Well thank you for coming in
we've had the test results in at last
There's been a bit of a wait
but no surprise there
The bad news is the results themselves...
When Stanley Franks was told
he had 1500 words left to live
his reaction could be said to consist
of 5 distinct stages.
Firstly, anger
No! You're wrong! You're wrong!
You're wrong! You're wrong!
You don't know what you're on about!
Talking out your arse!
Bastard!
Then came despair
I don't wanna to die
Then a terrible thirst
A brief half-hearted attempt at suicide
and finally quiet resignation
When he'd finished
the doctor straightened his tie
reunited the skeleton with his tibia
and informed Stanley that the total
now stood at 50.
He handed Stanley a silver metallic counter
and then returned to writing a letter
in which he explained to his wife
that he was running off with the local
oncolagist called Patricia.
NOTE Paragraph
If you're really struggling
you can call this number
Thank you doctor
Fuck
Stanley wondered how
he was going to tell Julia
He reasoned that 46 words should
be more than enough to sustain
a loving relationship.
They'd known each other since school.
What more really needed to be said?
Plus, she wasn't good with big news.
He'd seen that at first hand
with the whole Princess Diana episode.
In the end, Stanley decided the best thing
to do was just not tell her,
and see how that went.
Stanley had worked out,
that the majority of a relationship
the real grist, was spent in silence anyway.
40% of it you slept.
Then you had eating.
Brushing your teeth.
Watching TV.
Taking the bins out.
That left maybe 30% of your day
to worry about.
Stanley found that the best method
to fill any potentially awkward silences,
was a combination of winking,
long meaningful eye contact,
and playful punches on the arm.
Ow!
Every now and again, he would adorn her
with exotic and unusual words,
as if they were precious stones.
Words like:
beatitude
pulchritudinous
and occasionally...
soliloquy
However
after a while Julia had had enough
of all the winking, the arm punching,
and the staring at her while she slept.
The silence began to fill the house,
quietly
like a gas leak.
Until it was eventually broken
by the 4 words that Stanley
had been dreading.
"We need to talk"
Stanley went to the place he
always went to in times of strife...
the woods.
Armed with a 12 pack of super strength
Danish lager.
There he drank.
He drank until language lost all meaning
Verbs, tenses, cases collapsed around him.
Grammar dissolved, pronouns prolapsed.
Words became strange guttural noises.
He drank until he was just another animal
heaving and lowing at the midday sun.
He bellowed at the trees
he howled at the birds
and still he drank
until he had just one word left.
Stanley awoke the next day with a start.
He thought back to the night before,
and dimly recalled shouting
the word "Julia" over and over again
at a nearby duck.
Which in retrospect was a real waste.
Hello! Please enter how many words
you have left.
You have...
1... words left
Is this correct?
Press 1 for yes,
or 3 for...
I'm sorry... to hear that.
Would you like to hear a list of suggested
last words? Press 1 for yes or...
Suggested last words:
Sorry.
Why.
Thanks.
Allah.
Dead.
If you would like us to send a loved one
a recorded message, press zero.
Please type in your loved one's name
using the keypad on your telephone now.
You typed in...
Jugliat.
Is this correct?
Press 1 for yes...
Or 3...
Great. Composing suggested message to...
Jugliat now.
"Dear Jugliat,
I'm so sorry I'm dead,
I'll be waiting for you in heaven".
Would you like to send this message?
Press 1 for yes, or 3 for....
To record your own personal message to
Jugliat, press zero now.
For suggested adjectives which best
describe your loved one, press 1.
For help recalling the first time you met,
press 2.
For words that rhyme with...
Jugliat, press 3.
For help putting into words how much
you love them, press 4.
For more time, press 5.
I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
Would you like more time?
Would you like more time?
Would you like more time?