Oh! Oh!
- Hollywood!
- Hollywood!
Get your mind off that dame and back on
the job or we'll never get outta here.
This war's been goin' on
for the last ten years.
You had Japs
in Manchuria in 1931...
...the Eye-ties
in Ethiopia in 1935...
...the Krauts been blitzkrieging your favorite
European tourist attractions the last 3 years.
Last year in Africa, it took General
O'Connor and his British tanks two months...
...to grab Libya and it took
Rommel 12 days to get it back.
Jesus!
Look at this creamation!
You're supposed to be drying
dishes, not killing people.
Give me that turkey leg.
I'll shove it up your ass.
What's the matter with you?
Look at all this good food over here.
- Pop, Wally made me cook!
- Wally, my ass! Looka here! Perfectly good eggs!
What the hell's the matter with you,
throwing away food like that?
Put it back over the stove,
warm it up for them fellows out there.
Let's mutilate this food before
they can serve it to anyone else.
They are so disgusting.
If you don't quit hanging
around with that playboy...
...you gonna end up with a record
you can't play on the jukebox.
- But, Pops-
- Pops? I ain't your Pops!
But, Pops, I've been practicin'
all week. I'm takin' dancing lessons.
- I seen you dance.
You can't dance worth a spit.
Give me that thing.
Jesus.
When are you gonna remember which side
of the tracks you come from, boy?
- We need more coffee.
- Coming right up.
- Clean that place up right there!
What's your problem, kid?
You got ants in your pants?
I was just practicing
some dance steps.
- Dance steps?
- Mm-hmm.
You got somethin' to be
dancin' about, bub?
- I don't know. Maybe I do.
- Maybe you do?
There's a war on, pal. I want to know
why you're not in uniform.
I want to know what you're
doin' dancin' around tables.
I want to know why
you're not in the Army.
- 'Cause I don't take orders from anybody.
- A tough guy, huh?
Are you okay? I'm really sorry.
- I'm terribly sorry.
- You got egg on my uniform.
- I'm very sorry.
- I hate eggs.
- Eggs are good for you.
- I can't stand eggs. I hate eggs.
- Look out, Wally.
- Watch it! He's got a leg.
- That ain't the way you do it!
Can it, Sitarski!
Save it for the Japs!
For cryin' out loud, Sarge.
Look at this bozo.
Anybody who wears a shirt
like that is askin' for it.
He's an American, Sitarski.
If it's one thing we don't want, it's
seeing Americans fighting Americans.
I won't stand for that.
Not here, not anywhere.
We've had our chow.
Move out.
- You okay, kid?
- You're not gonna tip him, are ya, Sarge?
- That's okay. I don't need your tip.
- I think you do.
Get rid of that shirt.
It's in bad taste.
Come on! Clean them floors up
like I told ya!
Floors haven't been washed
in 10 years. It'll take me all night.
I don't give a damn
if it takes 20 years.
He can't work tonight.
Tonight's his big night.
- Tonight's the night of the Jitterbug contest.
- Jitterbug? Hell!
That reminds me. Kill them
cockroaches in that flour sack.
- Pop, he can't work. He's gotta dance!
Pop! Pop!
You can't do this to me!
I'll do anything! I gotta get
that money! I gotta get that suit!
Only way you'll get a suit
is steal one.
- Now scram! Get out!
- Ow! Oh!
Easy come, easy go.
Oh, no, you think
that's gonna stop me?
Nothing's gonna stop me from being
with Betty Douglas tonight.
- Um, Miss Fitzroy?
- Yes, Betty?
Does this mean we won't be allowed
to dance with civilians tonight?
- That is correct.
In fact, civilians will no longer
be permitted in this facility.
The world is changing, girls,
and we have to change with it.
These men in uniform
are after one thing-
I don't want to hear any more talk
about your precious morality.
Morale. Now that
is what is important.
You are gonna have
to smile at men...
who you would never give
a second glance to in peacetime.
Yes, Miss Fitzroy.
Make polite conversation with men
whose minds are in the gutter.
Yes, Miss Fitzroy.
You are gonna have to dance and dance
close with men you might find repulsive.
Eww!
Oh, heaven, heaven.
Some of them are really cute!
- I want you!
Eight o'clock!
I can't take it!
- Seven-thirty!
- I love you!
Tonight!
I love you!
That's all Reed Jack, one of our
better boogie-woogie suits.
- And very expensive.
- Excuse me. What do you mean by that?
It's just that I couldn't help noticing
what you were wearing when you came in.
My good man, are you accusing me of not
having enough dough to pay for this?
- Shh!
- I might as well leave this store.
No. Come back. Try on the hat.
It goes with the suit.
You know what I mean?
It's not gonna work. It ain't
gonna work. It's not gonna work.
Elsewhere
in the news, it's been reported...
...that two squadrons of Japanese planes
flew over San Francisco last night.
They bombed Pearl Harbor.
Now they're going to come here.
They bombed Pearl Harbor!
Now they're going to come here!
Thank you, but no, thank you.
I have changed my mind.
- I do not want it!
- What do you mean you changed your mind?
- I'm sorry, sir. I am taking it off.
- But you wanted a suit.
I learned one thing today:
I will never shop east of Beverly Hills.
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas.
It ain't gonna work.
Why do I always have troubles
on Christmas-
- It's not gonna work.
- Why can't I have a-
What? Oh, my God.
- God.
Air raid.
Japs. Japs!
Japs!
Get outta my way!
- Air raid!
I never thought
they'd be this nervous.
Hi, girls. Your first air raid?
Are you two sisters?
- Get lost!
- We want a man!
Soldier! Soldier!
Help us!
Hey, Wally, I think we swiped
the wrong style.
- What?
- Those gals are khaki wacky!
- They're what?
- Look at that!
- Dames are falling for uniforms.
- I don't want dames!
All I want is to dance
with Betty tonight.
Come on!
Let's get outta here!
Everybody, down!
Everybody, down!
This is your
diagonal warning!
Everybody, down!
Oh, no.
Fill 'er up.
Ethyl.
Where?
It was just a case of war nerves.
Two squadrons of Japanese Zeroes-
The Japs tried to bomb
San Francisco last night.
Two squadrons of Jap Zeroes.
I've been trackin' them ever since.
I lost them
somewhere over Fresno.
Radio says that's not true
about San Francisco.
- It was just a case of war nerves.
- War nerves?
- Yeah.
- Who said, "war nerves"?
I heard it
on that radio there.
- Radio's wrong.
- Oh, my God!
Oh, shit!
Oh!
Stop that plane!
Stop! Stop!
Damn it! Stop!
Madness. It's the only word
to describe it.
This isn't the state of California.
This is a state of insanity.
General Stilwell,
Colonel Grant suggests dispatching...
...guard units to all
the city reservoirs.
Intelligence suspects that
Fifth Columnists are going to...
"pour poison into
the water supply."
And G-2 should pour knockout
drops into the water supply.
Maybe the people of the city would
calm down and leave the war to the Army.
Stand off!
Sir? Sir? The General.
- My fingers. I need them over here.
- Do you hear sirens?
- Captain Birkhead. General Stilwell is here.
- Do I hear sirens?
Ow! Oh!
Sirens!
- What are you doin'? I'm not finished yet.
- Oh!
- Sorry, Captain. Captain, what's your name again?
- Loomis Birkhead.
- Sorry, Captain Birkhead, but that's General Stilwell.
- Wait!
- I've got to get my story!
- I was just giving it to you.
I'll tell ya, DuBois, there are
positive and negative aspects...
...about being a general's aide.
The general couldn't have been
a couple more minutes late, could he?
It is wartime, and we all
have to make sacrifices.
Here he comes!
- You have a telegram from Colonel Maddox, sir?
- Madman Maddox?
- What does he want?
- Troops, sir.
Troops? It's a practice bombing range
in Barstow in the middle of the desert.
What's he want troops for?
Give me that.
"Request emergency troops.
Invasion imminent.
Suspect hidden Jap airfield
in Pomona alfalfa fields."
I blame myself.
I put that lunatic out there.
Jesus H. Christ, DuBois.
Is that the General's new secretary?
Yes, sir.
She came in from G-2 this morning.
- Not bad, huh?
- Not bad? She's a goddess. A goddamn goddess!
That is Donna Stratton.
I knew her back in Washington.
She has got this thing
for planes.
One of those real
high-flyin' types, huh?
I've never seen
anything like it.
She's got planes
on the brain.
His brother had all those political
connections in Georgia. What could I do?
Tell him to hold his position.
I'll send someone up there later.
Where's Birkhead?
He's supposed to have my lunch.
B-17.
Ooh.
No man has ever gotten to first
base with her on the ground.
But get her into a plane, she'll bat
your balls right out of the park.
- You can fly, sir?
- Who said anything about flying?
I just gotta get her into that plane.
I'll fake the rest.
- Hello, Donna.
Donna Stratton, after all this time.
How long has it been?
Not long enough.
You're not still sore,
are you, Donna?
Yes! Ln
a number of places.
Same old Donna.
Listen, I got a great idea.
Why don't we get together for dinner
tonight? We got a lot to talk about.
What could you and I
possibly have to talk about?
Airplanes.
I seem to recall that you always
had a very keen interest in aircraft.
Now, take this B-17,
for example.
A woman like you is bound
to appreciate a plane like the 17.
After all, it's big.
It's the biggest one here.
You know what else?
It's got a lot of range.
- You know what I mean by range, don't you?
- Oh, sure.
It can stay up for a long time.
A very long time.
It's built firm
and solid.
It has to be, because of its
tremendous forward thrust.
And when this baby
delivers its payload...
...devastating.
- Oh, Captain. Let's get something straight.
- Please do.
I don't like you.
I don't like the way you act.
I especially don't like
your immature sexual innuendoes.
- I was just kidding.
- The B-17 happens to be...
- The most valuable strategic air bomber...
- Damn it!
- When I went to flight school, we were taught to secure these.
- in the United States Air Corps.
I didn't know you
went to flight school.
I only logged in a couple of hours
in a little Beechcraft Trainer...
...before I got kicked out-
upstairs to become the General's aide.
- But can you fly the B-17?
- B-17?
- Can you fly the B-25?
- A plane's a plane.
- Can you fly the 24 Liberator?
- Propeller and four wings.
Can you fly
the 38 Lightning?
You can fly one,
you can fly them all.
Sure, I could fly the 17.
I'm sorry, Captain. I didn't realize you
had a serious interest in strategic bombers.
Donna, my interest
is very strategic.
How would you like me
to show you the cockpit?
First let me say the possibility of
the Japs bombing us is, at best, remote.
However, we're installing
antiaircraft batteries all over town.
In addition, we have a vast network of
civil defense volunteer aircraft spotters...
...keeping a constant vigil.
They report their sightings directly
to lnterceptor Command Headquarters.
In the event of a sighting that cannot be
immediately identified by Headquarters...
we go to a condition yellow
as a precaution.
The aircraft maintains its position
and attempts to identify it fail...
we go to a condition blue.
The situation persists, we cannot establish
radio contact, we go to a red alert.
During a red alert,
air raid sirens will sound.
All lights must be turned out. Searchlights
will scan the skies for enemy aircraft.
Gun crews will be at ready.
I hope.
Clear the props!
Boost pump on.
Energize. Engage. Ignition!
Are we cleared for takeoff?
B-17, two, seven, one.
Cleared for takeoff
on runway one-eight.
Winds from the southwest.
- You want the stick?
- Yes, yes, yes. Give it to me.
All right. Now.
We are rolling.
We're rolling
down that runway...
...faster and faster.
- I don't feel any thrust.
- Don't worry. You will!
You will.
All right, all right.
Max power!
We're past the point of rejection.
- Get your nose up!
Pull back on that stick!
- Oh, very good.
Landing gear up.
And now we're leveling off
at 20,000 feet.
Turn the wheel to the right.
Good. We're at 20,000 feet.
Ow!
- What's that?
- Nothing. It was a little turbulence.
We hit an air pocket.
Nothing to worry about.
Objectives in sight.
We peer down
the bomb sight.
We're on target.
We open
the bomb bay doors.
We are getting
closer and closer.
We are
approaching target.
You're almost there.
Here we go, Donna. Here we go.
- Bombs away.
Who's playing in
the cockpit? Goddamn it!
- Mission scrubbed.
- Oh, Donna!
Sorry to have to bail out, Loomis,
but it just won't work on the ground.
I tried it in the simulator once.
It was no good there either.
We've got to be airborne.
But, Donna, listen.
We'll try a different flight plan.
We are divebombing Tokyo.
I'd like to say
one final word about bombs.
The eventuality of an air raid
on this city is highly unlikely.
Oh, Donna. You can't do this to me. You
don't know what I've been through today.
Loomis, my father was a drill
sergeant in the Marine Corps.
He taught me how to defend
myself. Now, leave me alone.
Donna, please-
As long as I am here,
I can assure you...
...there will be no bombs
dropped here.
We think we've located
Captain Birkhead, sir.
- Okay, okay.
Bye! See you later!
Bye-bye!
Maxine, I don't know why
I ever listen to you.
I can't do this to Wally. You know
he's been waiting a long time for this.
- He's even learning how to dance.
- Forget about Wally.
Think of all those soldiers and sailors
we'll be dancing with tonight.
- I can't forget about Wally.
What are you gonna do? Turn your back
on those brave men in uniform...
...so you can dance
with some criminal?
Wally is not a criminal.
He's just- He's just original-
- He stole your father's car.
That's really original.
- Wally? What are you doing here?
- Betty?
Oh, my God. If my father
catches you here, he'll kill you.
I paid my debt to society. Your father
has a brand-new auto, a new garage.
Did the fire insurance
pay for all this?
My dad it can't possibly cover what he's
gonna do to you if he sees you again.
I had to show you the new set of drapes
I picked up for the dance this evening.
Look at this. A wreath pleat, a stuffed
cuff and a wreath sleeve. Snazzy, huh?
- Watch these new steps!
- I have to talk to you.
- Would you listen?
- You can forget about the dance tonight.
They won't let you near
the place dressed like that.
It's a USO club now
for servicemen only.
- And we're hostesses.
- What do you mean, "hostesses"?
- That like a waitress?
- It means we can only dance with servicemen.
- Real men.
- What do you mean?
You joined some organization that tells
you who you can and can't dance with?
You're talking
about the USO!
Where does that
leave us, Betty?
Look, I know you don't
owe me anything.
But I've been lookin' forward to this
night for a long, long time.
- What am I supposed to do?
- Get a uniform.
This is my uniform!
I'm an American too, and there's
a lot of things I have to do.
I have to do my part, Wally.
There's a lot of lonely
servicemen out there.
- I don't want to see them
stuck on some German- - Bayonet.
Do you wanna go with me
tonight? Yes or no?
- Yes.
- Betty.
Think about those guys.
I mean, no.
I mean, yes.
The hairy chests
and the hairy arms-
I don't know!
I don't know!
You're gettin' me confused.
I'm just confused.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Wait. Look.
I'll meet ya in front
of the dance hall at 8:00.
If they won't let me in,
we can go see a movie.
Okay? There's that new
Walt Disney cartoon playin' around.
Dumbo!
Oh, my God.
Here comes my father.
And he's got a gun!
- Quick, Wally. Go out the garage door.
I'll stall him.
Come on! Oh! Hello? Come on!
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi. How are you?
- Dad, I'd like you to meet my friend.
- Hi!
It won't open!
Dad, Dad,
I joined the USO.
Yes, I know. You told me, dear.
We all got to do what we can.
Aha!
Shit. I didn't hear any gunshots.
He must have got away.
What's that rug-
That's my hat!
Gus, Gus, wait
'til they step on it.
That's my brand-new hat.
Surrender!
- Macey Douglas, what is the meaning of this?
- What is this?
Jap trap. We're gonna cover it
over with sticks and stuff.
Dad says when the Japs
sneak up, they'll fall in.
I'm going to kill you.
Wait 'til I get out of here,
I'm gonna murder you!
You dug your own grave.
Ward Douglas.
- Wow! Look what we're getting.
I will not have guns
in this house.
- Uh, excuse us, ma'am.
- Heads up!
- Hello?
Sorry, ma'am. Our gun
kind of got away on us there.
- All right, move it back! Come on!
- Shit! Oh, sorry.
Come on, move it out!
Back it up, ya foul-ups.
Let's go, Reese.
Move it out easy now.
Come on, Foley.
Get in here and push.
- Gee whiz.
- Corporal Sitarski, get on that wheel. Come on!
All right.
Sitarski, lock it up!
- Ow!
- Watch yourself.
Attention, Foley,
Sitarski, Reese, let's go!
Fall in on the double.
Hustle, hustle!
Oh, my God!
My roses!
Ten-hut! At ease.
Sir, Sergeant Frank Tree, United States
Army Tenth Armored Division.
Mr. Ward Herbert Douglas,
1313 Pelican Way?
Yes.
Uh-huh. The Coast Artillery Command
has determined your property...
...to be strategically advantageous
for the installation...
...of an enemy aircraft
defense battery.
What?
We want to put this 40 millimeter
antiaircraft gun in your yard, sir.
Joan, they want to put
this gun in our yard.
No. Absolutely not.
I refuse to let you...
...bring the war into
my own front yard.
Joan. Joan dearest. Uh-
That's the point, isn't it?
Whose front yard is this?
Is it Tojo's front yard? ls it Hirohito's
front yard? No. It's my front yard.
It was bought and paid for
in the free marketplace.
I am going to defend it.
Then join the Civilian Defense.
You could become a block warden.
I'm not going to run around like Angelo
Scioli with a whistle and flashlight...
...hollering, "Lights out."
Calma! After the war,
I'll turn it back to a car.
- Right now it's a tank for the Civil Defense.
- Angelo.
You promised me a lawn chair
on the beach...
...in front of Ward's house
with binoculars.
That was originally. You still got
a chair. You still got binoculars.
Only now you're on top of
the ferris wheel in the amusement park.
You don't understand.
I've got a little problem.
I'm afraid of heights.
Yeah, yeah.
Can't look down
from high up.
What do you call that?
Hydrophobia?
- Acrophobia.
- No problem. Won't bother ya.
You never look down.
You just look up.
You sit on top of the ferris wheel
with your binoculars spotting aircraft.
- You never look down. Up, up, up-
- Who's with me?
- Oh, I got a wonderful guy. Very simpatico.
- Good man?
Calm, cool,
collected, balanced.
- He knows all about heights?
An expert?
This person is an expert
about everything.
Calma.
That's not defense, Joan.
This is defense.
- Ward, I have to talk-
- Sir, ma'am, please. Let's not fight.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's
seeing Americans fighting Americans.
If you let them keep that gun
in our yard, our home will be a target.
Joan, we're all targets
in this war.
At least we will
be able to shoot back.
- How do I work this thing, Sergeant?
- You shouldn't touch it.
There will be a gunnery crew here
on Monday to man the ordnance.
- Monday?
- Yes, sir.
- Where will they go to the bathroom?
- Oh.
Remember I saw him first.
He's mine.
I will not allow you
to bring the war into my front yard.
Hello, hello, hello.
Sitarski! Quit goldbrickin'!
Go in that garage...
...find a cement block and
stabilize that ordnance.
- Move it!
- Yes, sir!
- You heard your boss. Put me down.
- Anything you say, doll.
- Come on, get the lead out! Move, move, move!
- Yes, sir!
Sergeant, there's no way this gun
can go off by itself, is there?
Actually, I'm a motor pool
maintenance sergeant.
I don't know too much
about the gunnery stuff.
However, I can tell you this material
is a 40 millimeter automatic gun...
...effective against
low-flying aerial targets.
The gun will displace a 1.96 pound,
high-explosive armor-
Count to ten.
One, two-
How can we make sure that
the gun doesn't go off?
The upper part of the gun
carriage is capable of...
...a full 360 degree traverse with a
maximum barrel elevation of 90 degrees.
This is a cement block.
Projectile at 2,960 feet per second-
- Don't they teach you manners in the Army?
- You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm Corporal Chuck Sitarski,
United States Army.
But, uh, my good friends
call me Stretch.
How are ya? Aw, look,
I'm sorry I dropped you in that hole.
Listen, you got a
little thing in your hair-
I'll tell you what.
If it makes you feel any better...
why don't you haul off
and slug me?
- Plant one right here on my kisser.
- I don't want to hit you.
- Make a fist.
- All right.
You shouldn't touch
the ordnance at all.
But more specifically, you should
never pull this hand-operating lever...
- To the rear.
- Never.
Do not push a clip of ammunition
down into the feed rollers here.
- You would never put the ammunition-
- No, sir. Never.
You never restore
this lever to firing position.
Do not make sure that this cover
is completely closed.
Never depress operator's
foot triggers here, here...
- And at the rear here.
- Never.
If an ordinary Joe
like me...
went to one of those
fancy USO dances...
...and he saw an awful pretty
girl like you, and-
And he wanted to ask her
to dance...
- You think maybe she'd, uh, say, uh-
- Yes?
- Yeah.
Don't listen
to that jerk!
You!
- You!
- You.
You... Have a really
serious wardrobe problem, kid.
It's isn't fair!
No! No!
Put me down! No! No!
No, no, no, no, no!
I'm gonna be there at 8:00 in front of
the Crystal Ballroom. I'll meet you there!
- No, you won't!
- Yes, I will!
No, you won't.
Holly... wood-
- Hollywood.
Hollywood-
Tsk.
Pinewood.
Cheese!
- Cheese!
- Okay.
Bring on your tough hoss...
You never had one...
That would set me
to guessin' or-
Bother me none...
You've got that right
That's one thing I can do...
Says I got one
That's a bad one to bust...
He's been throwin' good riders
He's- Whoa!
Hey!
Well, it's kind of skinny
around the bottom, but what the heck.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
Where'd you little bastards
come from?
Thought you could hide
from old Holly, didn't ya?
Doggone it.
You get smaller every year.
Oh, shoot!
Fire, fire, fire!
Now, that's a nice one
right there.
Yes, sir, that one there.
I'm gonna have to
try that again.
Whoa! Jesus palomino!
Walkin' trees!
Holly... wood.
Hollywood.
Hollywood!
Banzai! Banzai!
Uh-huh. I'm lost.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Oooh!
- Huh?
Oh.
Ah.
The stars at night
are big and bright...
Deep in
the heart of Texas...
Starved.
Can opener!
Ha-ha! Ho-ho!
Ha-ha!
Does that gun work?
You ain't gonna shoot nobody,
are ya?
You ought to get some oil on that thing.
You shouldn't leave it settin' out.
- Down there?
What is it? A Winchester?
That's what I got,
a Winchester.
Lever action,
shoots like a house on fire.
You ought to try to pick one up-
Don't go stepping on me.
Ought to try to pick one up
while you're over here.
Damn good gun.
Ah!
You sneaky little bastards ain't
gettin' doodily shit outta me...
...except maybe my name, rank
and social security number.
Wood, Hollis P.
Lumberjack.
Social security: 1-0-6...
4-3... 2-1-8-5.
Where Hollywood?
- Right here.
- What?
You're lookin' at him.
- Who?
- Hollis Wood.
Where?
I'm right here. Shoot.
Can't ya understand plain English?
- Hollywood?
- Huh?
- Where?
- Here!
Look. Where Hollywood?
North? South?
Oh. You want me to tell you
where Hollywood is.
Well, shoot. That's easy.
Hollywood is right-
Oh, no, you don't.
You thought you was gonna get me to show
you where Hollywood was, didn't ya?
Tried to sneak up on me
like ya did Pearl Harbor!
Bet you're gonna bomb
John Wayne's house, ain't ya?
- John Wayne-o?
- I knew it!
I knew it. I ain't gonna tell ya
one stinkin' thing.
You can torture me,
do anything you want to.
Jesus palomino.
A Nazi!
I knew it!
You're all in cahoots!
Let me tell you something,
Mr. Heinie Kraut...
I fought your kind
in the great war.
And we kicked
the livin' shit outta ya.
Over there, over there...
Send the word
Send the word over there...
- That the Yanks are comin'
The Huns are runnin'
Hey! What do ya go
tearin' up my radio for?
What's the big idea?
All right. Go ahead
and search me if you want to.
One genuine American
jackrabbit foot.
One authentic early American
hari-kari knife.
Pass it around, boys. Maybe
somebody's got a use for it.
One ten-cent box
of delicious...
...nutritious,
caramel-coated Popperjacks.
Doggone it,
this is my stuff.
Compass.
Banzai, my balls-
Let's see you try and find
Hollywood now, you scrawny little-
- Hey, boy, watch that knife.
Prune juice.
Oh, no, you don't! Aah!
Oh, boy, rides!
- It'll be okay. Don't worry.
- I don't know, Angelo.
- What if my nose bleeds?
- Use a handkerchief.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. A ferris wheel.
I love ferris wheels.
Do we get to ride this all night?
Just to the end
of the shift.
We don't have to pay for this, do we?
We're working for the government now.
Don't worry, Herb.
You don't pay for nothin'.
...ls that where
you turn it on?
I always wanted to work
one of these babies.
"Warning: Do not...
...turn on switch."
Ow! Hey!
Don't touch that.
These are the master control switches.
You fool around with them,
you turn on the whole amusement park.
- I love ferris wheels.
- Relax, Claude. Everything's gonna be all right.
Here's what you gotta do.
If you hear or see any airplanes,
you pick up the phone...
...you yell, "Army flash!"
- You got a direct line to the lnterceptor Command.
- Hey!
Then you tell them exactly
what ya saw and where. Here.
You know my problem with heights. I
don't want to be stuck up there with him.
Jesus Christ, Angelo.
They gave him a gun.
Don't worry. He got a license.
He's an expert shot.
Don't worry.
Try to adjust to him.
- To know him is to love him.
- Ow!
Don't worry.
You'll both be compatible.
If not, I'll get you a replacement.
Just sit down, Claude.
Remember, you're both
very vital to Civil Defense.
Safety bar?
We don't need no safety bar.
What happens
if we have to jump?
You keep the safety bar
locked at all times.
And remember, don't act up, Herbie,
like you did last summer.
No standing up
and no rocking.
You mean this thing
rocks? Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!
Don't worry.
You're perfectly safe.
Like a baby in its mother's arms.
You got nothin' to worry about.
I once swung around in one of these
things 180 degrees and I didn't get hurt.
No, sir, buddy. There's no way
you can get killed in one of these...
...unless you really try.
Like this one guy I knew.
He committed suicide.
He just stood up and did
a swan dive straight down.
Sit down, please.
Just stay seated, please.
Don't look down, Claude.
You'll be all right.
Up, up, up. I'll be back to pick you up
after your shift. Ciao.
Hey, this
grapefruit's rotten.
I'm gonna throw it away.
Is it all right with you?
All right, I'm gonna
throw it away.
Here it goes.
It's going. It's going.
It's going. It's going.
Going. It's going.
It's going.
Too bad I forgot
to time it.
If I'd timed it, I would have known
how long it took to hit the ground.
Because objects fall
at 32 feet per second.
Would you just shut up
about heights?
I don't want to hear
another word about heights.
- Boy, I sure hope the wind starts-
- Just shut up!
Now don't say
another word.
Scared of heights, huh?
Ha, ha, ha! Me too.
You ain't gettin'
shit outta me.
I've been constipated all week and
there ain't a damn thing you can do.
Now wait a minute, General!
I'm doin'
the best I can.
You gotta tell these guys
that I gotta have more privacy.
How in the hell do you expect a guy
to take a bowel movement...
with a bunch of buffalo rifles
a- pointin' at 'im?
I have enough problems
just pissin' in a public restroom.
- Hmph!
- Ahh!
- Huh?
All right, you!
- Get outta my way!
- God bless America!
- Hey!
Let go of my foot,
you son of a bitch you!
Which way's the damn beach?
Oh, shit!
Detail, assume defense positions
on the double!
- All right, move!
Clear all civilians outta here!
No civilians tonight.
Get 'em back.
Get 'em out there.
Keep 'em back.
Ah. Dumbo.
Sure be good to get my mind
off things for a while.
Come on, I don't
want to miss Dumbo.
General Stilwell, sir,
an urgent message from Barstow!
- From Colonel Maddox, son?
- Sir, they're worried about an invasion.
Christ, I thought I told Maddox to hold
his position. Birkhead, see what he wants.
I'm sorry, sir. My orders
are to give these directly to you.
"Request relief column.
Invasion imminent.
Murderers parachuting in
from the skies."
Son, are these Jap murderers
or Kraut murderers?
The colonel
didn't specify, sir.
You seen
these murderers, son?
Um, no, sir. But Colonel Maddox has
seen lights in the hills after dark.
This leads the colonel to believe
they're being dropped in at night, sir.
You know, son...
Colonel Maddox is mad.
He is?
I'm getting that old
sinking feeling.
Excuse me, General, but
since it's a bombing range...
...don't you think Colonel Maddox
would have some planes there, sir?
Some airplanes.
Yeah, well, he might have
a few planes there. So what?
Well, I seem to recall
a huge stockpile of bombs, sir.
Stock- I'm missing the movie.
I'm missing the movie!
Considering Maddox's state of mind,
there's no telling what he might do.
I thought it might be wise
if I take a jaunt out there...
...and see if I can't appease
the girl- Uh, the colonel, sir.
With your permission,
of course.
Take my car, go out there
and keep that maniac at bay.
- And don't let him get his hands on an airplane.
- Yes, sir!
Sir, I'm going to take a rain check on
the movie. I've got a splitting headache.
I'm sorry about your headache.
Can I call a car for you?
- No, sir, I think I can persuade Capt.
Birkhead to give me- - Can I have my ticket?
Loomis, use your head. Everybody knows
you flunked out of flight school.
Trust me,
it'll never get that far.
- Whoa!
If we don't paint
the windows...
...these lights will shine
over the water 30, 40 miles.
You know, we could get new curtains.
I wouldn't mind that.
That nice soldier said we could get
blackout curtains at Sears Roebuck.
I wouldn't mind
redoing this whole room.
Since Mama died I wouldn't mind
redoing the whole house.
Knock down a few walls.
What do you think?
Somebody should do
something.
- Macey Douglas, will you please
take your gas mask off!
- You know that is no way
to eat your soup!
But Mom,
he likes it that way.
- The lima beans can get through.
- Ward.
- Mom? Dad? I'm leaving now.
- Green pig.
- Have a good time.
- Betty, just a minute, um-
- Look at you.
- Come in the living room. Let's-
- Let's have a little talk.
- Don't ever do this again.
We've never really had a-
a talk, have we, Betty?
A father-daughter
kind of a talk.
Betty...
...you know, I'm too old
to be in this war.
The boys, Macey, the others,
they're too young.
It's up to you.
I don't know what they
told you at the USO...
...but you're going to be meeting
a lot of strange... Men.
Men in uniform.
Boys a long way from home.
Lonely, desperate.
They really have one thing
on their minds.
Show 'em
a good time.
All right, you lovers!
You can quit gettin' all dolled up.
We're not goin' to any dance.
- What?
- We've just been posted on combat readiness.
- Combat readiness?
- We gotta play wet nurse to Lulabelle tonight.
Combat readiness?
Sarge, this is Hollywood!
Hollywood, is it, Foley? I guess they
didn't tell you Lana Turner's coming by...
...to keep us all
company tonight.
Where's Sitarski?
That goldbrick!
If he went AWOL,
I'll ream his ass!
Hey, Sitarski,
you meatball!
- This here right here.
I want that there bunk
right there by the door!
I don't want none of them
Asian enemies sneakin' up on me...
while I'm in here
asleep!
My name is
Ogden Johnson Jones.
I ain't gonna enjoy it here, but I got
orders that say I's supposed to be here.
And orders is orders. Is there
anybody in here that don't like it?
Gimme a jar of that
white stencil paint.
Now then, Ogden,
I know you're gonna like it here.
There's a few rules
you gotta abide by.
For example, down here, sir,
you'll notice...
...this white line, which is
the Mason-Dixon line.
That is the north; this is the south.
Don't ever cross over there.
Well, I'm from Tennessee and I'm
goin' home to visit my relatives.
That's always nice, but this
is Mississippi. Don't ever cross there.
- Yeah? Well, I wanna pick magnolia
flowers. - Oh-ho! Magnolias, you say.
Well, you wouldn't dare
cross the Mexican border, would you?
- Well, hola and a si, si, si to you.
- Ah, I knows!
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk! White flag.
I surrender. Bye-bye.
- It never fails, you know. Those guys are idiots.
- Aaaah!
- Hey, what's happenin'?
- Wally!
- Wally!
- What?
- Hey.
- They won't let nobody in without no uniform.
- Seen Betty in there?
We only been here
ten minutes.
- Go get 'em, Wally!
Who the hell are you supposed to be,
the admiral of the Hollywood navy?
- I'm lookin' for somebody.
- How 'bout lookin' for a size 10 up your ass, huh?
- Say, Wally, it's time to throw some chingazos!
- Orale, Wally!
- Oh, no.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You know what?
You got a lot of balls comin'
here tonight. You know why?
'Cause when I get through with you,
you ain't gonna have none left.
- Hit him! Hit him!
- Hit the dude, Wally.
Hey. Como esta?
Que pasa?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Listen,
I'll tell you what.
Since I'm obviously interrupting
something important...
...he's all yours.
- Poor bastard.
- I smell something burning.
- Yeah, it smells like garbage.
- Aaah! Aaah!
- Look, lady, I've had it up to here about my clothes!
- Aaaaah!
- Wally! You're on fire!
Ooh! Aah!
Ohh!
Thank you.
- Break it up.
Wally!
- I have to talk to you.
- Wally, do you smell garbage burning?
- Would you excuse us, sir?
- I wanna apologize for this afternoon.
- We have nothing to talk about now.
- Sir, we're late for the dance.
Don't go in there with him.
I know him. I know what he's like.
- Miss Douglas? Allow me.
Down by the Ohio...
I've got the cutest
sweetest oh-my-oh...
- He's just a country boy who works around farms
- Wally's in the street!
- But he has his
charms - What? - Hey!
- You wanna dance?
- No!
- You- You wanna dance?
- No!
Aah!
- Look, you, it's-
- Wally!
- Dennis, what the- - What are
you doin'? That guy's a killer!
- What have you got on?
- These uniforms work like a son of a bitch!
Come on, Dennis, let's dance!
- I don't believe it! You joined up?
- No!
Wally, look. Western Costumes.
Just two dollars.
- Care for a drink, Betty?
Gimme a couple of Cokes.
- I'm not hungry.
- Couple of donuts too.
Hey, you devil,
how about a deviled egg?
- Oh, no, I hate eggs.
- My grandmother made 'em.
- Would you care to dance?
- Yes.
Excuse us, please.
Listen.
That... is my
port of entry.
Believe me, walk away.
Just walk away.
I'm wa- I'm walking away.
I'm walking.
- They're just very ordinary
- Your donut, Betty.
- By that I mean
- I'll get it.
- Those heartbreakers haven't a chance
- Wanna cut a rug with me?
- Maybe have a little pick-me-up.
We could- - With my new romance...
- Down by the old Ohio
- Maybe later.
That's where I found him
I've got the cutest oh-my-oh...
Betty, I think it's getting
a little crowded around here.
- Why don't we go and dance?
And jumpin'
jeepers creepers...
- When I'm in his arms
- That's the man for me.
I get so oh-my-oh...
He is the only-
- Aaah!
...me so...
- He knows his chickens
and his cabbages too...
He's got that oh-my-oh
Oh-hi, oh-my...
Just wait 'til I get back
to O-hi-o...
Baby mine...
Don't you cry...
Baby mine...
Dry your eyes...
Rest your head
close to my heart...
- Never to part, baby of-
It sure is dark
out here, huh?
You look out the windows,
you can't see a thing.
This is just like
flying at night.
It's sure a helluva lot
safer than flying at night.
If I didn't know better, I'd swear we
were flying. This car feels like a plane.
- Hey, what does this feel like?
- Loomis.
Forward thrust? Donna,
doesn't that feel like forward thrust?
- You're such a child.
- Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
You get me up in an airplane and then
we'll talk about forward thrust.
- He knows his chickens and his cabbages too
- What's your real name, Sal?
But where the dickens did
he learn to "woo-woo"
- Raoul.
- I knew it.
Lipschitz.
Just wait 'til
I get back to...
O- hi-o...
You may think
you've seen...
Lovers on the screen...
They're just very ordinary
By that I mean...
Those heartbreakers
haven't a chance...
- 'Gainst my new
romance - Betty! - Wally!
Betty!
- Down by the old Ohio That's where I found him
- Wally!
- I've got the cutest oh-my-oh
- Hey, come on!
You'll never drink in here again,
you drunken son of a bitch!
- I get so oh-my-oh...
He is the only one
who ever thrilled me so...
They want no drunks
botherin' and grabbin' em.
He knows his chickens
and his cabbages too...
- All right? I'm sorry.
- He's got my oh-my-oh
Oh-my-oh-my...
- Just wait 'til I get back
- No drinking!
- To O-hi-o
- I'm sorry.
No!
- Ladies and gentlemen, may I
please have your attention?
Attention, please,
everyone.
Listen up now, everyone.
All right.
Meyer,
come on up here.
- Hey, listen
- All right.
- The jitterbug contest
is about to begin.
And now I'm going to introduce
our judge for the contest...
Mr. Meyer Mishkin
of RKO Pictures!
- RKO Pictures!
- Meyer is an agent at RKO Pictures
and he's... Uh, talent scout.
Talent scout.
All right.
Tell them about
first prize, huh?
Uh, first prize is a seven-year
contract at RKO Pictures.
- Seven years! Did you hear that?
- Let's get outta here so
these slobs can't bother us.
You wanna dance with me?
I'm in the USO! I'll dance with you!
- Sailor, please!
Let's get outta here.
I don't wanna go!
Ladies and gentlemen, I want you
to count down with me...
...on this momentous,
tremendous...
...absolutely pretty...
important occasion.
- All right.
- We can't go yet. You wanna dance?
- Sure, dolly.
- And...
- Ten!
- What the hell are you- Hey!
- Nine!
You crazy
son of a bitch!
- Please. -
Seven! - Help me.
- Gimme a break.
- Six! Five!
- A what?
- Gimme a break!
Time!
- Four!
- Please.
- Three!
- Aaah!
- Two!
- Wait for me, Stretch!
One!
And grab your partner
and take it away!
- Wait for me, Stretch!
- Wally!
- Wait a minute, Betty! We gotta dance!
Look out!
- Stretch!
Watch it!
- Stretch!
- Ohhh!
- Who's that?
Get awa- Aah!
Ooh, Stretch.
Uh-oh.
- Look at that!
Wally! Hey, Wally!
That's my best friend!
And he's dancin'.
What's that guy's name?
What a dancer!
- Watch it, Wally!
- Wally!
Well, well, well.
Just the son of a bitch
I'm lookin' for.
You son of a bitch!
- Wait a second!
Wait, guys!
Now wait a second! Wait!
Are you okay?
- Stop! Stop!
I love you, Stretch!
Aaah!
Right engine, left engine.
I don't see any planes
out here, Loomis.
Do you know what's gonna happen to you
if there aren't any planes?
- Can you possibly imagine?
- Donna, would you just relax?
- Loomis.
- Donna, I'm gonna look around.
- I'll be right back.
Hello!
Hello!
Anybody home?
No! Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!
- Don't shoot! Please don't shoot!
...ldentify yourself!
Captain Loomis Birkhead,
United States Army!
Birkhead? What kind of
stupid name is that?
Just stand right there.
Winowski!
Little tall for a Jap,
wouldn't you say?
Yeah, but those Japs
are sneaky bastards, sir.
- You never know.
- You're right.
Check him for stilts.
S- Stilts, sir?
- Do it.
- Yo!
Oww! Ooh!
God!
Son of a bitch!
Ah, thank God, Captain.
- Thank God you got through.
My troops.
Where are my troops?
- Stilwell promised me troops.
- Yes, sir.
- Uh, you see, w-we're a little,
uh, shorthanded, sir. - Shorthanded?
- Stilwell's trying to hold L.A.
- Stilwell? L.A.?
Well, my God, doesn't he realize
how desperate my situation is here?
They're parachuting
murderers into these hills...
...and now I'm getting reports
of secret airstrips...
...hidden away in
the alfalfa fields of Pomona!
Colonel, you don't, uh-
You don't have any bombers
here, do ya, sir?
Bombers?
If I had bombers,
son...
I'd be bombin' the hell out of 'em
right now!
- No planes?
Boy, am I
in trouble now.
Son, the only plane I got is that
shit-on-a-shingle trainer sittin' over there.
It's fine, it's fine. Let's go.
Sir, I happen to have
a reconnaissance expert...
...from our intelligence office
in Washington with us in the car and...
with your permission,
sir...
we'd like to take that trainer
and try to spot that enemy airfield.
Why, son, tha-that plane doesn't have
any guns on it. You're talkin' suicide.
I have no other choice.
Ladies and gentlemen,
everywhere I look...
...soldiers are fighting sailors,
sailors are fighting marines.
Directly in front of me
I see a flying blond floozy.
Everywhere I look, everywhere,
pure pandemonium- Pandemonium!
I'm gonna do your head jus' like
ol' Brer Rabbit did to the tar baby!
Don't you hear
that radio over there?
- I'll take your head off.
- Our boys are fightin' each other down there.
If there's one thing I can't stand,
it's Americans fighting Americans.
- Jones!
- Yes, sir.
- You wanna fight in this man's army?
- Yes, sir, I wanna fight!
Gentlemen, draw your gear and weapons
and prepare to mount up.
Immediately! On the double!
Let's go!
Jones,
port hatch.
- What's a port hatch, Sarge?
- The back door, Ogden!
Foley,
fuel pumps, prime one.
- Fuel pumps, prime one.
- And two.
- And two.
- Fuel pumps primed.
Magnetos,
spark one.
- Magnetos, spark one.
- And two.
- All right, boost and start 'er up.
Parking brake,
release.
Uh, flaps up.
Trim set.
We're ready.
Radio on.
- Jesus Christ!
- What?
This thing
hasn't got a radio!
Colonel, this thing
hasn't got a radio!
What radio?
It hasn't got a radio!
I gotta let lnterceptor Command know I'm
up there! I don't wanna get my ass shot off!
Hell, son, you can't
call lnterceptor Command!
That plane
doesn't have a radio!
I know it doesn't
have a radio!
I know it doesn't have a radio,
but I got a telephone!
Don't worry!
I'll call them for you!
You got a telephone.
Okay.
Go!
Wonderful! Bomb the hell
out of 'em, son!
That's it!
Straight away, son!
Oh, no. Hey! Whoa, look out, son!
Watch it! Hey!
Take your foot off
the right brake, son!
- Loomis, stop showing off.
- Aaaah!
Hey! Come on!
Get down!
Hey! Son!
You're goin' the wrong way!
Equest-ray emergency oops-tray
and we're eady-ray to oll-ray.
Everybody
fall in!
And... Salute!
- Full throttle, max power, past the point of rejection.
- You're gonna hit the tower.
- Whoa!
- Naw, we missed it.
This is S.L.P.
- How do you read me?
Interceptor Command,
this is Colonel Maddox.
- Hello?
My God,
we've been cut off!
Did you ever see
an elephant fly?
- Well, I seen a horsefly.
- I seen a dragonfly!
- I seen a housefly.
See, I've seen
all that too.
I've seen
a peanut stand...
...and heard
a rubber band.
I seen a needle
that winked its eye.
But I be done seen
about ever'thing...
- When I see an elephant fly
- What you say, boy?
- I said, when I see an elephant fly.
- Sir.
- They're rioting in the streets.
- Who's rioting?
- Soldiers and sailors.
- I seen a polka dot railroad tie!
- And zoot suiters.
- Zoot suiters?
- Yes, sir.
- Sounds like a matter for the police.
- Police, shore patrols, MPs.
Let them handle the riots.
I'll handle the Japanese.
- That's all, Sergeant.
- Yes, sir.
And I just laughed
'til I thought I'd die...
But I be done seen
'bout ever'thing...
Get outta the way. I can't see
the screen. Down in front, you!
- Oh, relax, watch the movie.
But I be done seen
'bout ever'thing...
When I see
an elephant fly-y-y...
- With the wind...
When I see
an elephant...
- Fly...
- Colonel Maddox!
Aircraft approaching, sir!
Hold your fire.
Pass it on.
Hold your fire. Pass it on.
- Hold your fire.
- Hold your fire.
Aah! Ohh! Mmm.
My leg.
It won't wake up.
Come on, wake up.
Wake up, wake up!
Ground crew!
What form of lunatic
is that?
What kind of lunatic
runs this place? Come on!
Yo.
Come on, wake up, you moron.
- Not now, Winowski,
you stupid soda jerk.
Come on-
Huh?
Mmm.
He's on the level, sir!
Yaah!
- Identify yourself!
Captain Wild Bill Kelso...
United States Army
Air Corps.
Where the hell am I?
- Barstow. Where you comin' from?
- San Francisco.
Been trackin' a Jap squadron for a day
and a half. Lost 'em somewhere over Fresno.
- I'm from Olene, Illinois.
- Tough shit.
You see any Japs
around here?
Hell, son,
they're all over the place.
They got a secret air base down in Pomona.
That's where they're all comin' from.
Pomona.
Which way is, uh,
Pomona?
That way.
Toward L.A.
- Heave!
- Aaah!
Aaah!
Get away!
Go on! Go on!
My name's
Wild Bill Kelso...
...and don't you forget it.
That's the kind of talk
I like to hear, boy!
That's it!
Lemme hear your guns!
- My guns?
- I wanna hear what they sound like.
Let me hear 'em!
Aaaaaah!
Aaaaah-ha-ha-ha!
Aaah!
Vaya con Dios,
my friend!
To Hollywood...
and glory!
Ha-ha-ha!
This thing
handles pretty well...
...even if it's not
a B-17.
But...
...does it have
much range, Loomis?
- Huh?
- I mean...
...do you think it'll stay up
for a long time?
Sure. Hell, we've used less
than a quarter of a tank already.
Look. We're already over
the Riverside County Reservoir.
Army flash, Army flash.
Post, Riverside
County Reservoir.
Code name,
Strawberry.
Three single-engine
aircraft.
Three single-engine
aircraft heard...
...five miles northeast
of Strawberry...
...proceeding west,
high altitude.
- Strawberry's in sector 14.
- No clearance for aircraft in 14.
- I repeat, no clearance. Request visual information.
- Visual information unavailable.
Try to contact aircraft
by radio.
Tangerine confirms Strawberry aircraft
proceeding west.
Attention, all units!
Condition yellow!
I repeat, yellow alert!
Ohh!
- What you need is a little pick-me-up.
- I'll give you a-
Aaaah!
There they are, men!
Let's get 'em!
- Oh, no!
Aaaah!
Aaaaah!
Yaaaah!
What the hell do you people
think you're doing?
You're acting like a bunch
of Tojo stooges!
You wanna put Yamamoto
in the White House?
The Axis is crawling like
a slime all over Europe.
I can't believe it! Americans fighting
Americans! We got the lousy Huns to fight!
Lima Bean reporting aircraft engines
heard east, proceeding west...
...altitude high.
- Lima Bean is sector 13.
- There's no clearance on 13.
- Request status on radio contact.
- Negative radio contact.
- Aircraft refuses to respond.
- Area airport activity negative.
Go to blue.
Condition blue.
- Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that just about wraps up...
...another evening's entertainment here
at the Crystal Ballroom...
...in downtown Los Angeles.
I hope you enjoyed
tonight's program.
I'd like to thank all the Gls for
helping make tonight's evening such a-
...a memorable occasion.
Maybe in the future we can
have some Negroes come in...
- And we'll stage a race riot right here.
- Wally!
This is Sal Stewart saying,
I hope you had a good time.
We're gonna be
boogie-woogie-ing our way...
...right... Across...
the street... Soon.
So stay tuned
to this station.
- Next week we'll be back. Hope you had a good time.
- Aaah!
Ohh. Ohh.
Aah!
Ohh!
Oh, no!
Aah! Ohh!
Stretch!
Oh, boy!
- Aah! Ohh!
Hey, you!
Make no mistake about this:
Japs do not surrender and
they don't take prisoners.
They have only one idea in mind.
Do you know what that is, sailor?
- Kill!
- No!
- That's right! To kill you,
to kill your families!
To kill your families,
mothers, loved ones and pets...
- And keep on killing until
they conquer the world!
- And when they do...
- Wally!
...you won't be able to speak your free
mind or worship God in your own way.
- Pardon me.
- You won't be able to walk down Main Street anymore.
- Stretch! Stretch!
- Hey, lady, what are you doin'?
- Stretch!
- Look at Santy Claus. Isn't he cute?
- No!
- You think the Japanese believe in Santy Claus?
- No!
Instead of turkey
for Christmas dinner...
- How would ya like to have raw fish heads and rice?
- No!
- You think the Krauts believe in Walt Disney?
- Yeah!
- Well, was that Mickey Mouse blitzkriegin' across France?
- No!
- Pluto in Poland?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Or Donald Duck at Pearl Harbor?
- No!
- This time we free the world
or we lose it!
We win or die tryin'!
Donna, wouldja lay off?
I'm tryin' to steer!
What's wrong?
You're not airborne yet.
What are you talkin' about? Look out
the window. Of course we're airborne!
We are,
but you're not.
Post, Cauliflower, aircraft 12:00,
proceeding west.
Sector 12.
They're heading for L.A.
What about visual
information, sir?
To hell with visual information.
They're Japs. Let's go to red.
- Red alert for Los Angeles.
- Red alert.
- We sure didn't start this war...
...but, by God,
we're gonna finish it!
Japs. Japs.
This is it! Let's show those
lousy Huns what we got!
Prepare to mount up.
Foley, let's go.
- All right, you wise "boids"!
- Now what?
- You!
- Aah!
- Hi, Stretch!
Ward!
What's all that noise?
Are the Sciolis
having a party?
Colonel!
Mmm.
Ein Amerikan.
...lnvasion.
Japanese.
Joan!
Attack!
Yeah, Winchester.
Tell your... Mother...
Mom, Dad's got something
stuck in his throat!
What is it, dear?
Invasion!
Get me a spotlight down here.
Here we go.
All right, you dog asses!
Haul in here! Ten-hut!
- Big brass, Sarge.
- General Stilwell.
- What a mess.
What a goddamn mess!
- Motor Sergeant Frank Tree...
- Bressler!
- Reporting for combat duty, sir!
- Get me lnterceptor Command!
- Is there a phone around here?
- In the theater, sir.
- Get on it. Sergeant!
- Yes, sir!
Secure this area.
Give me a one-block perimeter.
Yes, sir!
What's the plan of action, sir?
Hold the block.
You can hold one block,
can't you?
It's quiet.
Too quiet.
...ls the target
in sight yet, Loomis?
Oh, it will be, just as soon
as I make it through these...
...hills.
- Do you hear that?
Yeah.
- More thrust! Oh!
Ohh! Ohh!
- I see the son of a bitch! I'm goin' in after 'im!
- Give it to me, Loomis!
- Oh, give it to me!
Ohh!
It's a Zero!
- I see him, I see him!
- Where?
Keep goin', keep goin'!
Come on! Keep goin'!
- I'm gonna hit the sign!
- Forget the sign. Keep goin'. Perfect.
- Oh, my God.
- I've never felt anything like that before.
You're damn right.
- They think we're Japs!
What are you guys
shooting at?
I don't know.
Whatever they're shooting at!
Okay, let's go!
God, am I
in trouble now!
Aaaah!
I'm in trouble now!
Donna!
Oh, God, I'll be good!
Quit fooling around!
Donna! Level it off!
The stars at night...
Are big...
- And bright
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sarge, isn't it standard procedure
during an air raid to have a blackout?
- What are all these lights doin' on?
- Must be a foul-up somewhere.
We're gonna have to
knock 'em out ourselves.
Advance me 60 feet,
column left!
Take up a position!
I'm gonna douse these lights!
There's no place
like home.
Kid, you're the greatest
trick foot artist I ever seen...
...and I seen 'em
all over the world.
- Just sign right here. Seven-year
contract. - Where's Betty?
- Where's Betty?
- She went out there.
Wait! Hey, wait!
Whoa!
Hey, you! You!
You with the stripes!
Be a pal and help me
pick up my ammo!
Yeah, all right!
Thanks a lot, buddy.
Okay, forward ho!
We're gonna draw trajectory
on Dumbo!
Look out!
Uhh! Tommies!
- Sarge?
- Tommies! The Tommies!
- Detroit is the arsenal of democracy!
- He got knocked on the head.
- He always did have a glass head.
- What are we gonna do?
You can't go out on me
now, Sarge!
I'll tell you what we're gonna do: go
home, paint the scratches on this tank...
...put the sarge to bed
and forget this night ever happened!
I thought-
Knock out
those lights, kid.
He wants me to
knock out the lights.
See the mess on the streets?
I'm not gonna take the rap for this!
He's that tap-dancin'
fry boy from this morning.
- Yeah, I know, but he's wearin' the stripes.
- What'll it be, Sarge?
Right.
Let's knock out
these lights!
- Ohh!
Take that, Tojo!
Take that!
This... is war.
Angelo, hurry!
My husband is crazy!
He says he sees Japanese
coming from the ocean!
Eat lead... Slant.
- Has anyone in your command seen these Zeroes?
- No, but we're shooting at 'em.
Think about this: bombs!
I don't hear any bombs!
If they've come all the way from Asia,
don't you think they'd bring a few bombs?
- I don't know, sir, but- - But nothing!
You can't have an air raid without bombs!
Come on! Fly!
- You can do it!
Donna, don't worry
about this!
I'm gonna set this baby down
if it's the last thing I do. Aaaaah!
Sayonara, sucker!
- Donna, are you okay?
- Where are we? Where's the door?
- Aaah!
- Ohh!
- Aaah!
Eecch! Where are we?
- What is this stuff?
Oh, my God,
are we in trouble now.
- What are you shootin' at me for?
I'm an American!
Can't you tell the difference?
- Holy shit, I'd better get
my ass out over the ocean.
Hey, there's a Kraut
on board too.
We've got the whole
damn Axis here.
- Hey, what're we gonna do?
- Defend our homes, Angelo!
How do you expect
to do that, Ward?
The army gave me a gun.
I think it's high time we used it.
Yeah!
- Hello? Hello?
Hello!
Scioli doesn't answer.
Aw, Jesus Christ, it's a sub!
Look, you guys, a Jap sub!
Holy shit, Herb!
The dummy's right.
Japs.
It's a full-scale invasion.
Gimme that phone!
Japs!
Coordinates,
1305-
I knew it,
I knew it, I knew it!
That's a Japanese Nakajima Type 97,
or I'm a bigger dummy than he is.
Oh, my God, I'm hit.
I'm hit!
Look at him burn!
Oh, my God.
It's a P-40 Tomahawk.
It's one of ours.
Mayday!
Mayday! Mayday!
- Hiya, doll.
- Oh, God! No!
- Oh!
That's my kind of girl.
It's the end of the line, kid.
No more games.
- Oh! God!
Put me down!
Wally!
- Wally!
- Betty.
- Let's get this heap turned
around now! Left! Now!
Wally!
Let's go!
Come on, let's move! Move!
I can't beat you
in a fair fight.
Stupid,
I don't fight fair.
- Neither do l.
- Aah! Oh! Gee!
Hiya, doll.
Follow that girl!
- Give that back!
- No! No! No!
- Betty! Betty! Betty!
Wally?
Wally!
- Oh- -
My- - God!
Ohhhh!
Whoa-aah!
Huh? Hmm.
Okay, goddamn it!
Aah! Ohh! Hmm!
Okay, goddamn it!
- I think he's gonna jump.
- Geronimo! Aha!
Whoa! Ha-ha!
Made it! Ha-ha!
Huh? Oh.
I lost my plane.
My- Sub!
Jap sub!
Jap sub!
Hold on. We'll get you
outta here in a second.
Listen. Kid.
You gotta get that sub.
- What sub?
- The Jap sub.
- Where?
- In the ocean, lame-o.
Offshore near some
goddamn amusement park.
The Japs are at
Pacific Ocean Amusement Park?
That's next door
to my parents' house!
Kid!
You gotta sink that sub.
Come on, Sarge. Come on now!
Sarge, come on!
That's it, Sarge. We got a nice pad
for that head of yours.
- That's it, Sarge.
- We'll have a drink.
- Real Japs?
- Nah, wooden Japs, Cheetah!
What do you think?
Get me outta here!
Move it!
Move it!
What the hell is that?
It appears to be
an airplane, sir.
We tried to hold the block.
The plane broke through our perimeter.
Head down Hollywood Blvd.
to Highland!
- Take Highland to Pico! Take Pico to-
To your left
The camp is on your left...
The camp is on to your left
The camp is on to your left...
- Sound off Sound off
- One, two!
Wait, Sarge! Wait for me, Sarge!
Please! Stop!
- What's that?
- It appears to be a large Negro, sir.
- What's that? -
Salesman. - A businessman.
- Accountant.
- A lawyer.
I'll grease your face
with those treads, you punk bastard!
- And that?
- A corporal.
Stretch!
I love you!
Soldier, are you
the pilot of that plane?
Yes, sir. Captain Wild Bill Kelso,
United States Army Air Corps.
I'm proud to report that
I'm the first American...
...to shoot down a Jap plane
over the continental United States.
- You shot down a Jap plane?
- Yes, sir.
A Mitsubishi Zero, sir.
Got back some of that
scrap metal we sold 'em.
Blew the livin' hell outta him
right into the Stone Age.
We just got a report that a plane
went down in the La Brea Tar Pits.
That's him! That's gotta be the one!
I told you I shot him down.
- Is that a Jap plane?
- They don't know.
What do you mean they don't know?
Of course it was a Jap plane.
- You don't think I'd shoot down one of our own, do ya?
- I'm not so sure.
The plane's not important. What's
important is the submarine! The sub!
Submarine?
Shot down a Jap sub too.
No, sir.
I could have, though.
I had him in my sights.
I had that bastard
right where I wanted him.
But I caught it in the radiator.
He's still out there!
What about that plane?
There must be a pilot.
That is the craziest
son of a bitch I ever saw.
How many more like him
do you think are up there?
Get outta here!
Aw, look.
A baby wolf.
Where?
Gus, you can get into anything.
Open up this ammunition.
- Yes, sir.
- Stevie, round up the neighbors.
I'm going to need help getting this gun
over to where I can get a clear shot.
- Macey, stay close.
- Yes, sir!
That nice soldier told you
not to touch the ordnance.
Don't you think you should
call the army?
The army doesn't know
what they're doing. I can handle this.
- Ward, you're acting like Errol Flynn!
- Joan, damn it! Shut up!
Porca miseria!
I just remembered.
I got two guys stuck on top of the ferris
wheel. Somebody's gotta get 'em down.
Macey, get on your bike,
get over to the amusement pier.
- I gotta watch you sink the sub!
- That's an order, son.
- Yes, sir.
- Kid, this is the key to the control box in the ferris wheel.
- I know. I know, I know.
- Don't touch anything red or silver.
- Yeah, I know. I know.
- Only blue.
Okay, everybody, over here! Get on
this gun. We gotta move it over there!
We're sinking
a Japanese sub tonight.
The camp is on
to your left...
The camp is on
to your left...
Hey, Betty,
there's Officer Miller!
That's the flatfoot
who sent me up the river!
- They're comin' up the beach right now.
Hey, Miller,
look at me!
Wally!
Hey, Miller, don't you know it's
a blackout? Turn out your lights!
- How'd you like that?
- I liked it just fine.
Are you sure you wanna
go through with this, Ward?
Okay. Okay.
Now, we do this.
Watch it!
Oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh!
Whoa! All right.
There! There.
Got him right in my sights.
I don't think
you're gonna hit him.
I can't believe it.
Why aren't they shooting back?
They can't see us,
that's why.
Do not... Push a clip of ammunition
into the feed rollers here.
- Son of a-
- And a steamboat...
- Oh, honey, I saw that movie.
Watch this.
Goin' my way, sister?
Son of a bitch
stole my tank.
First he gets egg on my uniform; then he
steals my girl; then he steals my tank.
- That's the tank I sent to get that sub.
- Yeah.
- Near some amusement park.
- Yeah, that's right.
- You know where it is?
- Yeah, sure.
Get in.
- Come on! Go! Go! Go, goddamn it!
- Let's go!
Turn right!
Turn right here!
I'm a bug!
You should never pull this
hand-operating lever to the rear.
Let's get outta here!
Do not restore the lever
to the firing position.
- Do not make sure that
this cover is completely closed.
- Auf Wiedersehen. Sayonara.
Lots of luck.
And never ever,
under any circumstances...
- Should you disperse-
Never ever,
under any circumsta-
Oh!
Foot trigger!
Whoa-oh-oh!
I think about 150 to 200
dollars will fix that.
Did it get 'em?
Did it get 'em?
Close, Ward. Close.
Let's get this back out there.
I'll- I'll blast 'em again.
All right.
- That's how people are
- Great, we're lost! Where the hell is it?
- By the ocean.
- The ocean? That's left.
- No, straight. Right.
- Straight?
- Right or straight?
- I said straight, goddamn it!
- Sayonara, sucker.
- What are you doing?
- Never get together...
Geronimo!
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Who's got the last laugh now
Hey, quit rockin'
the car!
- Yeah, quit rockin' the car.
- Shut up! I wasn't rockin' it.
- Hey!
- Hey, you guys! I'm supposed to get you down!
- Thank Christ!
It rolls easy once it gets started.
Just kiss it.
- Don't worry, Ward. Gentle as a baby.
- There goes Dad!
- Watch out!
Open the door!
I'll be home...
For Chri-
- Dad!
- You're gonna wreck the whole house!
Boys, go to your room and don't
come down until I call you!
- You're ruining Christmas!
- Gliding it out!
- Ooh!
- Too much.
- You wrecked the stairs!
- Which one do I pull?
- The one on the right. No, the one on the left.
Wait! W-Wait!
Wait! Wait! Ooh!
Coming back!
- Now I've got 'em!
Ward Douglas,
don't you dare...
...fire that gun
in this hou-
Whoa!
Boy, that was fun!
Whew! Wow!
"Warning! Do not...
- Turn on...
- Switch."
Yeah!
- Oh, my God! That's the wrong switch!
Turn off those lights,
you little asshole!
- Oh, my God.
- Trapped like beavers.
- Hollywood.
- Hollywood.
Give us this day our daily bread
and deliver us from evil.
And please don't let me go to
the same place he goes.
- Oh, my God!
- I can't stop it!
- Ma!
Banzai! Banzai!
- Good-bye, Hollywood!
- Banzai!
Hey, are you okay?
You all right?
Boy, that was fun.
Can we do it again?
- You wanna do it again?
- I wanna do it again.
- You really wanna do it again?
- I blew the exhaust manifold!
- There's the ocean! Hang a right!
- Who cares about the ocean?
Get it off me!
- Hey, hey, hey!
Get in the back of the tank.
- Wait for me.
- Betty!
- Macey!
- How's Mom and Dad?
- They're fine.
- Who knows how to load this gun?
- He does.
- Banzai!
Give me that! Give me that! Give me
that! Give me that! Give me that!
- What's that?
- Uh, here, hold this.
Now, Sarge...
what is the loading
and firing procedure...
...for the 75-millimeter
cannon?
- There are five basic components...
- This is it.
...to the new General Motors
electric refrigerator.
- One, a freon compressor;
- What?
- Two, the freon tube; three, the power
transformer- - No, no. Sarge. No, Sarge.
Geronimo!
Whoa! It's turning!
Look, it's pointing this way!
- Torpedo!
- Torpedo!
Blackout! Blackout!
Douse those street lights!
Kill that
theater marquee!
I made it!
It's me, you yellow bastards!
Come on! It's me,
Wild Bill Kelso!
I know you're in there,
you yellow-bellied zipperheads!
Wally, did we get 'em?
I think so.
She's going down.
All right! Hey!
Where are ya?
Oh, Geronimo!
All right!
My name is Wild Bill Kelso.
And don't you... Shoot.
All right,
turn this tub around.
You're taking me to Tokyo.
Anybody got a light?
...out of a brilliant blue western sky...
- Foreign aircraft, flying both
in large formation and singly...
...flew over Southern California
last night...
- And drew heavy barrages
of antiaircraft fire-
...the first ever to sound over United States
continental soil against an enemy invader.
No bombs
were reported dropped.
Shortly before 10:00 p.m.,
police reported...
...that an airplane had been shot down
into the La Brea Tar Pits.
- In other parts of the city...
Fifth Column acts were
reported during the air raid.
- Mysterious lights were spotted
in many locales.
In the Tarzana hills,
Burbank police...
...saw a string of lights
in a "V" form...
...pointing toward
the Lockheed Aircraft plant.
All right, fall in
the yard! Fall in the yard, men!
Foley, Jones,
Reese, Hinshaw! Ten-hut!
...and immediately Army
searchlights shot into the sky.
Sergeant,
what happened here?
Sir, while suppressing a riot on
Hollywood Blvd. Iast night with our tank...
I... was, uh,
struck unconscious.
My men, however, received a report
about a Japanese sub...
...off the Santa Monica Pier
from a downed Army Air Corps captain.
They responded immediately, went to the
objective and at about 2300 hours...
- They engaged the enemy.
- Damage?
Uh, the Japanese sunk both our tank
and, uh, the ferris wheel, sir.
I think we hit the sub.
I saw it go down!
You see, sir, l-
- Donna! Donna! Donna! Not now!
Oh, honey.
- My girlfriend was there- There was
this wild man- - Is this a long story?
- Yes, sir.
- Then save it.
Sir, I'd like
to say something.
We've been through a lot,
all of us.
We faced the enemy
for the first time last night...
...right in
our own backyards...
...and we came together...
...put our differences aside and carried
on the true spirit of America.
I think no matter what happens,
what sacrifices we have to face...
we can carry forward
like Americans.
While we're doing our repairs, I'm going
to hang this wreath on my front door.
This symbol of Christmas...
...this symbol of peace.
I just want to remind us all
that we're not going to let...
...a bunch of treacherous
enemy killjoys...
...ruin our Christmas.
Boy, that's great!
What?
- You're gonna need tanks
for the Burma road, sir.
I'm just a sergeant,
but I'm a great mechanic.
You know, this year wasn't the
big year of the war, '41.
I think the really big year
is going to be 1942.
- Let go of me!
It's gonna be a long war.
Let me go! Let me go!
Oh! Open the door!
Whoa-ohhh!
That is the craziest
son of a bitch I ever saw.
Torpedo!
It was on
that radio there!
Jesus Christ, it's a sub!
Look, you guys, a Jap sub!
I can't beat you
in a fair fight.
Back! Back!
They're rioting
in the street, sir.
Whoa-aah!
Let's get outta here!
Hi, Stretch!
Close, Ward. Close.
That reminds me. Kill them cockroaches
in that flour sack.
- Look at that!
There goes Dad!
Kill a few Krauts
for me, huh?