[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
[DISPATCH OVER RADIO]
[PHONE RINGS]
[SIREN PEALING]
Don't just stand there.
See that?
Tried to kill me.
[GOBBLE GOBBLE]
Those new uniforms
are very sharp.
Same since '76, Mrs. Greer.
Three, two, one.
[DEEP INHALING]
Ohhh! Stoney bomb!
[LAUGHS]
Whoa, I can't feel my toes.
Awesome.
[LAUGHS]
[SIREN]
Awesome.
Damn, it's Bill.
Okay.
Alright, just shut up and be cool, okay.
I know how to handle this.
That's what your mom said.
Amos Wall.
Good to see you again.
Hey, Officer Morgan.
Everything okay?
You were driving a little
erratic back there.
[SNICKERING]
Uh, no, just trying
to stay on the defensive.
Something tells me
that's not all you're on.
What?
Step out of the vehicle,
please.
[CANS RATTLING ON PAVEMENT]
Those are not mine.
Oh my God.
Wow.
[DEEP VOICE] TMI
Hello my puppies
and welcome to TMI.
I'm your host, Colin Wade
And tonight's top story...
Gold, Nikki Gold.
With rumors of a sex tape
featuring her and
on-again, off-again flame,
Trent Callender
burning up the internet
and the premier of her new
film, Ravagers II...
[TV SET] barely a week away, the
question is...
will Nikki's off-screen exploits
threaten the box office opening?
It's fun, it's scary, it's
sexy, it's...
Mm-mm. No flies on her.
Step away from the bear.
Empty your pockets...
Sorry officer.
We were just messing around.
You have a lot to learn about
the responsibilities
associated with operating
a motor vehicle.
I'm giving you tonight
to think about that.
Are you ser- [SIGHS]
Yes, Sir.
Bill, you enjoy this stuff
way too much.
What do you want me to do
with this?
Is it empty?
Yeah.
Shucks.
Um, evidence department, I guess.
Well, if it isn't
Harry Houdini.
I heard about the vanishing
act you pulled last night.
That girl was perfectly nice.
And absolutely thrilled
about the idea of going
out with a cop.
A little too thrilled.
You could have been Barry Bonds
in a T-ball game
if you just stepped up
to the plate.
Barry Bonds did HGH, May.
Dale, what did we do to raise
such a tight-ass?
Enough already.
Come here,
and let me kiss the petals
of my sweet, sweet rose.
If you're nice, I might let you
lick the dew right off of 'em.
[LAUGHS]
I don't know what the doc's
got you two on,
but he needs
to halve the dosage.
Maybe you need a double dose.
Look at this, look at this.
Look at this mustache.
You trimmed it
a little bit shaggy, there.
[POLICE RADIO]
Cruiser one do you copy?
Ten-four, Mama, you got
something?
Just giving you a whistle,
seeing where you are.
I'm down at the old
fishing hole.
Any bites?
I haven't seen a car
in 34 minutes.
I fried some chicken.
And I put some on your desk.
Roger that. Thanks May.
Sorry if I came off a little
harsh earlier.
Gotten worse.
From you, no less.
[DON'T WORK TOO HARD TONIGHT]
[SHORT PEAL OF SIREN]
[CLOCK TICKING]
Miss, can you hear me?
Can you hear me?
Miss?
Miss?
Miss?
Hello, Miss?
What!
Jesus!
No comment.
No comment.
Hi Officer.
Where you heading tonight, Miss?
Canada.
Is that, uh, is that a little
vodka you got there?
I like this hat.
Don't!
Cops in New York need
to wear this hat.
Uh, Miss, I'm going to need
to see license, registration...
Miss? Miss?
You wake up.
Hello?
Show me your penis.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go.
Come on, it's time to be
a grown up.
Stop it!
Okay. 23 to Dispatch.
Officer Morgan, how much longer
you gonna keep me in here?
You gotta wake up.
You know you're
in the chair tonight.
In the chair. Go on, cuff yourself.
You know the routine.
Oh man.
Now Miss please, do not,
do not... no.
Take it, I need you,
get down. Um.
Oh, get down.
You cuffed?
Officer Morgan, I gotta tell you
something. I gotta tell you.
What, what?
Aw, let's go. On the bed.
Okay.
No, no, no, no. No. No.
No, put your legs, No. No. That's...
It's bedtime for bonzo.
That's right.
Bed time for Bonzo.
So Amo,
we'll talk in the morning.
Amo, Amo!
Don't give this woman
any trouble.
No, I won't.
[SNORING]
Oh my God.
[POLICE RADIO]
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, okay.
Ow, ow, ow, okay.
What the Hades?
Sick little bastard was trying
to feel me up in my sleep.
No, I wasn't.
Ow! Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
I touched her hair.
I'm sorry alright. Will you let go?
You're going to break it.
Miss, unhand him now.
Ow, ow ow! Ahhh ah.
You heard me, Miss Hurwitz!
What'd you call me?
Now, Miss Hurwitz!
Ow, oh. Ow.
You know I'm not surprised a
backward little piss-water like this
would let a man get
away with this kind of shit.
This is no backwards
piss-water, Miss.
This is Washington,
New Hampshire.
Named after General George
Washington in 1776.
There's another Washington in
North Carolina.
And they might say that they were the
first town that was incorporated,
and that would be a lie.
Is that chicken in your hand?
Well, as I'm sure you're aware,
your license
is about to expire.
Oh God!
Do you have any idea
how long it takes to get
through the DMV
Well, that's what you get for
surrounding yourself
with all that flash and speed.
But now that you're up,
I should get some fingerprints.
Why?
I didn't do anything wrong.
What do you call drunk driving?
Not what I was doing.
Suit yourself.
I, I want my phone call.
I want to talk to my lawyer.
You'll get it
when you cooperate.
Wait! Hey! Hey!
This is cruel and unusual punishment.
I will sue your ass!
I just...
What?
I just want you to know
I think you're, I think you're
God's most perfect creation.
Ohh, where am I?
And for the record,
you were my first.
Get away!
[PEACEFUL MUSIC]
[GROWLS]
Morning, Chief.
Morning.
Uh, morning.
See the game last night?
No, we win?
Ahh. [FARTS]
Hell yeah, we won.
I fell asleep in the third,
but woke just in time to see
Big Pete Kinney seal it with a
slapper from the blue line.
Ohhh! Crud!
Aw Jesus. I'm on it
Bill! Is that the chief?
Get him in here,
I want to talk to him.
Is there something you
want to tell me?
[HELLO...!]
Got to be careful
with this one, Chief.
Excuse me.
A bit of a live-wire.
My favorite kind.
Excuse me, Sir.
Chief!
Hi.
Sir, there has been a huge
misunderstanding. Okay?
Name's Nicole Hurwitz.
Found her passed out, drunk,
down near Perkins syrup farm.
She's even got a prior.
My car was off and out of
the road when he found me.
Let me out of here now, or my lawyer will
hit you with a false imprisonment charge
so hard, you'll be pissing out
of your ass for a week.
[COUGHS]
Uh, Bill, outside, please.
So the keys were out of the
ignition and she was asleep.
She was passed out, wasted
with a record
of similar offenses.
Kissing a cop
on St. Patty's Day
aint exactly a similar offense.
Chief, she was using a vodka
bottle as a pillow.
She pulled over.
We can't ask for much more than that.
Bill, you did a good thing.
She slept it off.
Did she look familiar to you?
Guilty always looks familiar.
Aw Christ, Bill,
give it a rest.
Just pull that porcupine out
of your butt
and let's move this thing along.
Well, Miss, you're free to go.
Sanity reigns.
It was for your own good that Officer
Morgan brought you in here last night.
You know that, right?
I'm just glad that a man as
rational and intelligent
as you showed up to rescue me.
Just doing my job, Miss.
Now I imagine you'll be
needing a ride to your vehicle?
I do. Are you offering?
No, but Officer Morgan here is.
Great, more QT with Barney Fife.
Go on, Bill.
You're better than
this jail cell, Famo-Amo!
Now get out of here and don't
come back unless you're visiting.
Alright. Thanks Chief.
No, really, you have no idea
how great this was for me.
Oh.
Huh. That's cute.
[GRUNTS]
Thanks Officer.
Get home safe now,
Miss Hurwitz.
Thanks again, Chief.
Dale! What was that?
Calm down, May.
She was just thanking me
for my professionalism.
Oh stop stroking your ego.
Don't you know who that was?
Hochee-mochee!
It's about time you all
figured it out.
Vamoose, Amo!
Look, look, look!
I know...
She's got that gun.
Yeah, oh and uh yes.
You know, you can just stop
it with that.
How do you do that without using
cruise control?
It's amazing!
Oh, you're talented.
Do you think there's
fleas in that jail?
'Cause my head is itchy.
Have a safe trip
back to New York.
Yeah. Thanks.
You can go now.
You're free to go.
I'm not free.
Not if I go back there.
Let me put this in words you
might understand.
You don't' have to go home,
but you can't stay here.
You're probably going to try
to arrest me for this too,
But you're a real prick.
Mind the speed limits now.
[REVS ENGINE]
Peas and crow!
You okay, Bill!
It's Officer Morgan.
Well, Officer Morgan, I uh,
seem to have noticed
you got in some car trouble.
Anything a drunk lush like me can do
to help you out?
I need a lift into town.
Gosh, I don't know.
I have got so much to do today.
You know, milk the horses,
water the cows.
Ooph, besides can't
you just call the chief?
I can't tell Chief about this.
Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing.
Good luck!
Hold on, wait, whoa, whoa,
wait!
Whoa.
You can't leave me out here.
I'm 20 miles from town.
Well that's what you get for
surrounding yourself
with such
peace and tranquility.
Hey, hey!
Ch-ch-ch-Charlie.
Hey, I need a tow.
No, no, now, not later.
Now I need it.
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie?
I need a tow. Prick!
[CHANGING RADIO STATIONS]
I just want to know what I'm
supposed to tell my daughter.
I mean she idolizes Nikki Gold.
I've seen your daughter.
You should both stick to radio.
Maybe Nikki Gold should too.
Hey she's made some
decent stuff.
Did you see Summer's Dawn?
No, but I did see her do
blow off a sidewalk.
[LAUGHTER]
Gene's right.
That girl is two steps away
from a certified train wreck.
Well I hope she pulls
herself out of
whatever funk she's in.
Don't worry, if this tape's
half as good as advertised,
she'll have a whole new
career waiting for her
in a different part of the
entertainment industry.
[LAUGHTER]
Two hours, nine minutes and
13 seconds.
I think that's pretty
admirable for 12 miles.
[GRUNTS]
You thirsty?
Yum yum! Drink up!
[GASPING]
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, I didn't touch it.
I just, I couldn't resist.
What are you doing here?
Oh, you know, just soaking up
the oxygen.
I ought to arrest you for
being a pain in the butt.
Hey, arrest yourself.
Aw crud!
I wouldn't have said anything.
Yeah, I would have.
Hey, I've been trying to find
a decent hotel in the area,
but there is no 3-G out here.
The nearest one's in Greeley.
I think it's 40 miles west.
Oh, it's a little far to
go for a shower.
What do you need a shower for?
Have you seen the
mattress in that cell?
I guess you're going to
Greeley then?
Don't you have a shower?
What?
I'll use that.
No
Yes.
No.
Come on.
You are not coming to my house.
Oh come on.
No!
I'll get to wash whatever
man-stew
has soaked into that prison bed
over the last hundred years.
And you get a ride back to town.
The chief never the wiser.
Great, settled.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on!
You can do it, come on.
I'm not happy about this.
It's a cool car.
Thanks.
Why you got standard?
Why are you a little bit gay?
[PHONE RINGS]
Yeah?
No, I'm, I'm in the middle of
a very important meeting.
Who?
Nikki?
Just so, what, what, what's
she doing up there?
Oh, oh
We'll see. Some guy just
called it in.
[PHONE RINGS]
Do you have a towel?
Cabinet.
Ah,
Bill Morgan.
Bill!
Where the hell have you been?
Chief, hey, I, I just stopped
home for one minute.
Where is that girl?
She is in the bathroom.
At your house?
Well I, I thought you were
taking her to her car?
Tell him to be nice.
I was and then she wanted to
get cleaned up.
So I, I brought her here.
Well played, my boy.
[LAUGHS]
Have her sign something.
Well as soon as she's done,
it's back out on patrol.
No, no, don't ever sign something
because then she's gonna...
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Okay, sorry, I'm sorry.
Bill, I got things
under control here.
Just try to be nice for once.
Make her some lunch,
have some fun.
Chief, I want her out of here
as soon as possible.
Well I you two to enjoy
yourselves.
Consider that an order!
Ah crud!
Ah, she's gorgeous. Look at her.
I just hope Bill aint trying
to play Scrabble with her.
You got any clothes I can wear?
I threw mine in the wash.
Yeah, I... heard it running
What do you got there?
Oh, nothing, I was just
putting it away.
I'm not sure how it got out.
You got any game?
You mean am I good?
Yeah, I was the two-time town
quarter finalist.
Hmm, you may not know me very
well, Officer Bill Morgan,
But playing Scrabble is one thing
I do truly well in my life.
Uh, let's get some
clothes on you first.
Mmm mm mm.
Ooh.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that
could work.
Thanks.
Yellow's my best color, you
know.
Yeah, it's your hair.
Surprised you notice that
sort of thing.
It's my job to notice things.
So I was thinking of
making some food.
Probably good for you to eat
something before you blow away.
Mac and cheese it is.
Nikki?
Nikki?
Nikki?
Nikki.
Food's ready.
Eat up.
I like my victim's fat before
the slaughter.
You came.
I figured you'd run.
Like you always do.
Not this time.
I'm tired of running,
of not being able to remember
who I am.
Then...
let me remind you.
[GIGGLES]
You think I could get away
with lines like that?
Well, it wouldn't
hurt you to try.
Then let me remind you...
Where's the kiss part?
Mmmmuh.
[WHISPERS] They might know.
Could I help you?
I certainly hope so.
I'm a journalist.
From New York.
I have it on good authority
that a certain young woman
of interest may be here
in your fair town.
And who might that be?
That's her right now.
Look!
If you're here for
some kind of tip,
you're barking up
the wrong tree.
It's not like I expect
something for nothing.
You thinking of bribing me?
Well consider it a donation.
I consider it a crime. Now get!
Okay, give me something now,
I'll keep the press out of your hair.
It's only a matter of time til
the ravens descend.
Go back to New York and tell
your friends
there's nothing to see here
in Washington.
There will be when I get
through with it.
Not a lunch fan, huh?
I'm off carbs for a
couple weeks.
These socks are amazing,
by the way.
Yeah, May made 'em.
Is May your girlfriend?
No, aunt.
She's the chief's wife.
She's practically my mom,
though.
Raised me since I was ten.
What happened to your parents?
It's none of your business.
Triple word score makes 45.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
"Zoetic"?
Zoetic. You know, animated.
Full of joie-de-vivre.
Poetic is a word. But this,
I don't know what this is.
Oh come on, don't embarrass
yourself.
Yeah, you probably cheat your
way through everything.
That is really not nice.
What do I get if I'm right?
I don't know what you could
possibly want.
There's no booze in the house.
How about a shooting lesson?
You can have whatever you
want because I know that I am...
A sucker?
Zoetic.
[SHOOTING SOUND]
Now you see the target?
Yep
What you're going to do is,
you're going to want
to extend your hands.
Keep the gun away from you,
but don't get stiff with it.
Okay, now, when you aim you
want to use your whole body.
Not just your wrists or the
barrel.
See the gun as an
extension of yourself.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Alright.
Okay.
Close...
[GUNSHOT]
Easy. Breaths
Here...
[GUNSHOT]
I got it.
Okay.
[GUNSHOT]
Yaaa, there you go!
[GUNSHOTS]
God, I love guns!
Well you said you
never shot before?
I never said that.
I'm going to put that
on my mantle.
I mean not that I have a mantle,
but one of these days, Dallas.
Your turn.
Beg your pardon.
Come on. Show me how it's done.
I'm afraid it's not much of a
challenge for me.
Alright.
How about now?
Come on, we should go in, huh?
We gotta meet the tow
truck anyway.
Oh come on, if you're so
good, what's there to fear?
Just exhale and
squeeze the trigger.
Are you nuts?
You can't try something with
balls for once.
This has nothing to do with
me having balls
and everything to do with you
being totally batso-crazy.
I'm crazy?
I mean you're the one with
your dead parents room
done up like a museum.
What you say?
Nothing. Uh, just that it
goes both ways.
You went in their room?
I didn't know what it was.
I can't believe you uh, you
went in their room.
That's what locks are for.
Oh!
I won't, it was, I wasn't going
to shoot you, it wasn't loaded.
[CLICK]
[PHONE RINGING]
Ahhh...
Morgan Bill
Where's Nikki?
She's still here.
Good. Good, uh, you gotta
get her out of there.
There's uh, some folks in
town looking for her.
Yeah, well tell them
they can have her.
I'll meet them halfway.
No, no you can't let her
out of your sight.
What do you mean? Who's
looking for her?
Uh, who's looking for her?
Don't, don't, don't,
don't tell...
Uh, uh, well uh, it turns out
that uh, that Nikki is...
covert operative for the CIA.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we
talking about the same Nikki?
Nicole Hurwitz?
Yep, yep, she's uh, she's been
working undercover in South America
on something called uh,
Operation Inferno.
What, the CIA just called you
up out of the blue about this?
Look, this aint a drill, son.
Nikki's in danger and I need
you to protect her.
I'm just not sure you got all
your facts straight here Chief.
Damnit Bill!
This is your chance to do
some real police work.
Now can I trust you to take
care of it, or not?
Yeah, of course you can Chief.
You know you can count on me.
Good! You need to get her
some place safe.
Good luck son!
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Liz, hey.
Uh Nikki, where the hell
have you been?
Nowhere, out.
Well your little scheme worked.
It's gone right through the frickin' roof.
What scheme?
The sex tape. It's up to 1.5
million.
What is happening? I thought
you were burying this thing!
All of a sudden the
estimates for opening weekend
are going through the
friction' roof.
150 million good reasons why the
studio wants your home video.
Nikki! Look, I'm sorry I
scared you.
Shhh!
Yeah, okay, fine.
Look...
What?
I know who you are.
Uh, you don't know anything
about me.
That was the chief. Look, he, he
told me about Operation Inferno.
Well, who's ever after you is
in town. Now.
Who do you think is after me?
I know I'm not supposed to
know about it,
but whatever government or
group you crossed,
they have found you and they
are closing in.
You cannot stay here.
I couldn't agree more.
Wait, please look.
Nikki, just, I, I can help you.
I can take you to a safe house.
I will protect you. Just
please, accept my apology.
Time is ticking here.
Keeping me safe is very
dangerous work.
Whfff...
It's okay.
I've been waiting for this my
whole life.
We just got to make one quick
stop first.
Here, have a little more
coffee.
Psst, hey!
You Donowitz?
Maybe.
Ssss, name's Amos.
I believe you're uh, I
believe your magazine
got a little call from me
this morning.
You're the guy?
Yeah.
I'll tell you where she is.
It's for a price.
Listen, if I had known the
tip came from a kid
I'd have never dragged my
ass all the way up here.
Alright, okay. How about
that?
Is that Nikki enough for you?
Bam!
[WHISPERING] Where is she?
Just down the road. Maybe
20 minutes.
Ten grand, she's all yours.
Here you go Pete.
Take it easy fanboy I got
kids to feed.
Oh come on. Nikki Gold, this
year's it girl,
bumble-fucking some new boy
toy.
You could make a hundred large
without breaking a sweat.
Bumble-fucking?
I like that.
Well how do I know there's not
already 40 shooters already up there?
I haven't told anybody except
you.
I swear.
Why the hell not?
Because, I know your stuff.
I wanted a chance to study the
best performing their craft.
That's understandable.
So?
Fine, five Gs and she's
yours, but
you let me roll with you.
I don't babysit.
Consider it an internship.
Alright. Rule number one...
Don't speak unless spoken to...
[SQUEALS]
Don't worry about the tab, I
got that.
Lesson number two, I find
free meals very endearing.
Alright. Let's go.
Alright.
Alright I'm out of here, Terry.
No disrespect, but this job
sucks.
See you guys.
I can't get this thing out of
here with that.
I need a ramp truck.
Well then get a ramp truck.
It's after 5:00, I can't get
it out here tonight!
Charlie, I don't have
time for this.
If I don't have it, I
don't have it!
Find another way.
[GRUNTS]
Good luck!
[CHUCKLES]
You got a light?
Mm hmm.
Aren't you... wait..
Yeah. But you can't tell him
who I am. Okay?
Oh, I'm not telling him nothing.
He's already got his nose up
every butt in town.
Is that why you won't pull
him out of the ditch?
Mm hmm. Part of it.
Giving it back to the law aint
exactly an every day opportunity.
What's the other part?
Mmm. Every girl in town's
tried to knock his door down.
A good job and a nice ass goes a
long way in a cold winter.
Even if he is a bit of a prick.
A bit?
Could you do it as a
favor to me?
Ya.
Thank you.
Mm hmm.
Can't believe you got Charlie tow
the cruiser back to my house.
No sweat.
How'd you get her to
180 like that?
It's called being nice.
No seriously, was that
some sort of like,
CIA mind trick or something?
Unfortunately, your security
clearance isn't high enough
for me to divulge
that information.
I understand.
I told her it was a matter of
national security.
It's so cool you can do that.
Yeah.
Ah.
Well, we're here.
And where is here, exactly?
This is the chief's
old lake house.
No one will find us here.
All clear.
Sorry about that.
Here.
Ah, you know what? You keep it.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[OWL HOOTING]
This is a waste of time.
Knowing her, they're probably
shacked up somewhere.
Is there a motel around?
No, not really.
Well then, then
they've left town.
I can feel it.
Nah, he wouldn't leave
town with her.
How do you know?
Believe me, he's had this
like, complex
ever since his parents died.
He's like, Bill's like one of
those dogs
with the electric fence and
the like cone.
And he's got like a
carrot penis.
Only instead of a yard,
it's this whole town he
can't escape.
Yeah, it must be
tough for a cop.
That public knowledge?
Everybody pretty much knows
everybody else's
business around here.
I guess that's why there
aint no paparazzi.
Paparazzi. I loathe the term.
I'm a celebrity journalist.
I hold the mirror up
to our culture,
reflecting it back
more accurately
than any history book.
The trades ancestry goes back
to the apostles themselves.
Whoa! The apostles.
You gonna stay like
that all night?
I'm fine.
You think maybe we should
put the fire out?
I mean maybe they could
smell the smoke or...
But you know, we
could go outside.
And use the cabin as a decoy.
Uh, I'm going to choose not
to worry about it.
Yeah, okay. I suppose, you
know, you're used to this.
Ice in your veins and all.
One would think.
How many people have you killed?
Bill!
Sorry.
I've done what I had to do.
I understand, yep.
You're probably good
under pressure,
being cop's in your genes,
right?
My father and I didn't have
much in common.
Ever think about being chief?
I'm through with this line
of questioning.
Touchy subject. I forgot.
Mmmm.
You think I'm simple, don't you?
What? No.
You think 'cause I'm some
hick from small town
who hasn't had any real
crime, I'm not a real cop.
I never said that.
My father died when I was nine
and after he passed I took
responsibility for this town.
This town is my life.
How'd he die?
Drunk driver. Killed them both.
[WHISPERS] Ohhh.
You hear that?
What?
Stay here.
I think I'm probably
done for tonight.
Good night Nikki.
Bill?
Yeah?
Thank you.
Oh my God!
Bidding war for
Nikki Gold sex tape?
Whatever happened to our
old camcorder, May?
This is not funny.
Amo! You okay?
[GASPING] Chief... they...
I came from Bill's.
I wanted to uh,
I wanted to apologize
for being such a, a wad
these past few days.
But he, he wasn't there
There, there were just these,
these photographers.
Like, like ravens on roadkill.
Like them.
There, there's some right
across the street.
Ah, well now thanks for
the heads up, son.
You go on home. Uh, I'll take
care of everything.
Paparazzi in, in our town?
Now I gotta go tell Bill.
So?
Oh yeah, yeah. He's got her
stashed somewhere.
And if I know the chief,
he's gonna lead us right to the henhouse.
The henhouse?
Yeah, I thought it was, I
thought it would sound cool.
Lesson number three,
don't think.
Okay.
Never.
#dun dun dun dun dun dun
dun... dun dun dun...
The lake was gorgeous
this morning.
I mean the water is so clear.
Yeah, it's pretty, right?
It reminds me of the town
that I grew up in.
Where's that?
It's a little town in
Western Ontario.
My mom and I left when my
parents got divorced.
Mmm. This is good, what is it?
It's hare.
What?
Rabbit.
I got it in one of the traps
I set for the hostels.
[CLEARS THROAT]
It's actually really good.
Yeah?
Tastes like chicken.
Make you jump higher.
Mmm.
Wait, so you've never left town?
Nope.
Never?
Well the academy, but I mean
that was years ago.
What, that, that is crazy.
I mean you say I'm crazy,
but you're crazy.
Cute crazy, but still...
Cute crazy?
Yeah.
Let's go swimming.
Do you have any idea how
cold that water is?
Ahh ha ha.
Ah, Oh my tits it's
freezing in...
Told you. Well it's like
electricity, you have to get in.
I can get through the day
without hypothermia.
Thank you very much.
Oh come on. I am an expert on
all things idiotic
and this is very low on
the harmful scale.
Ah!
Oh! Yes! You're doing it!
It's so warm.
Oh, oh!
Geronimo!
Oh, geez and crow! It's
warmer than I thought.
Oh it's freezing.
Just relax.
Oh, oh! Are we even
breathing?
Breathe slowly.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't
follow him.
Just keep going down there.
Where the hell are we?
I can't believe I didn't
think of this.
You know a way in this joint?
Yeah, there's only one way
the chief won't find us.
How's that?
It's on that fucking canoe.
I hate canoes.
Yeah.
You made a move on me.
I would never do such a thing.
Getting me in the lake was
all part of your master plan.
And if I find out this is another
one of your voodoo mind tricks
I will not be happy.
Uh, because kissing me is
so unpleasant?
Mamma Bear you copy?
Ten-four papa.
You find him?
No sign, any news at base?
Not yet.
You coming back?
In a bit.
I think I just saw a
rock turn over
and something slimy slither out.
You know how it is.
Everyone hates cops til
they need 'em.
I've always liked a
man in uniform.
Every time I do something
good, people hate me for it.
Like what?
Like anything.
Giving a speeding ticket,
breaking up a fight.
Doing a safety lecture.
Punk kids.
I mean I don't know what it's
like in the CIA,
But around here, you always
walk away the villain.
Villains are sexy.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Dude, my arm, killing me.
Just stop! Get me closer!
Isn't this close enough?
My arms are gonna fall off.
Can never be close enough.
Yeah, they're gonna see us.
Oh fine, you wanna puss out?
Fine.
Pull over. Let me off.
Um, what do you think about
coming to New York with me
for a couple days?
I think it would be good for
you and I'd like it.
Wow.
Amos!
Oh man.
You in on this?
I'm sorry, Chief.
I didn't know it was
gonna go this far.
Just tell me which way he
went and get on home.
Ssss...
[THUD]
Huh, this day sucks.
Stay here.
Uh.
Stand up.
Argh!
Who are you? What are
you doing here?
Vic Donowitz, TMI and you
must be Officer Morgan.
I am and you're trespassing.
It's only 'cause I want the first
exclusive interview with you
about your relationship
with Nikki Gold.
Nikki who?
Ha ha ha. Nice try.
Look, no seriously, you
should cash in.
The press is going to be all
over you like a pit bull in heat
when little Miss Thang's tape
hits the internet, you know.
What are you talking about?
Her sex tape. The sex tape.
Who's Nikki Gold?
Are you serious?
Hey, she's Hollywood's
soup de jour.
She's the flavor of the month.
She's visual crack for men
ages 16 to 25.
Viktor Donowitz you're
under arrest!
You have the right to
remain silent,
though I doubt you will.
And you can call your lawyer
from the station.
Chief, what's going on here?
Oh this so-called journalist
was staking out your place
for a shot of Nikki, I mean
a shot at the...
Dang it, Bill! I can't
explain it all.
I know you two think you got
something special
but let me tell you Bud,
you're just another notch in
her belt.
Tell me about this tape?
Her and Trent Callender going
at it like bunnies.
Hand jobs, blow jobs like a
goddamn career fair.
Oh!
Bill!
I'll forget this if you give
me that exclusive.
Let me take him in, I'm not
through with him yet.
No! No!
Go back to Nikki.
I'll take care of this
sack of beans.
I can't believe that douchebag
followed me here.
What'd he say to you?
What'd he say to you?
Enough to know
you've made me feel like
a complete idiot
the last few days.
Who are you?
Really?
My name is Nikki Gold.
And I'm an actress.
Obviously.
I didn't start out lying to you.
It's just...
You're the first person in...
years that's actually made me
feel like a normal person.
Don't call yourself normal.
It's an insult to
the rest of us.
I think it's time you
left Washington.
Fine.
Hey Terri.
Hey Bill.
That sandwich you ordered
will be ready in a minute.
Thanks.
I want you all to know that my
relations with Miss Gold are over.
So you can stop snickering
behind my back.
And acting all strange and go
about your normal business.
Thank you.
I think the guys around here
are all just jealous.
And as for the ladies,
they just want a piece of
what Nikki Gold got.
Hey you want to sign
this for me?
Geez, on crow, are you
kidding me me?
Sure, as long as you bring it
back autographed.
Knock, knock.
Hey May.
I brought you a sandwich.
Thanks. May, I just ate.
Well you could use a little
more meat on your bones.
You know reading that junk
is gonna rot your brain.
So, are you ever going to
tell me
Or am I going to
have to read it
in one of those rags?
Ahh, it's not much of a
story, I guess.
I...told her to leave town.
I didn't want to see
her anymore.
Think it's too late
to apologize?
We don't have
anything in common.
What interested you in her in
the first place?
I mean aside from her...
She's a little firecracker,
but...
I don't know... She's...
I guess she made me feel...
awake.
Oh honey.
You know, if you really
feel that way
you are one lucky guy.
And you are way ahead
of most folks.
[TRAFFIC]
Trent!
Trent, you here?
Ooh!
Nikki baby, welcome back
to the big apple.
New Hampshire sure was fun, huh?
Can I get a picture?
Why don't you disappear to
the Bahamas next time?
The sex tape in there Nikki?
Did you have fun [INAUDIBLE]?
Can you drive, please?
Looking real good, Mama, can't
wait to see the tape.
I must tell you...
Summer Dawn is beautiful film.
You should do smaller,
character driven piece again.
Is this a smoking cab?
For you? I make exceptions.
Wish me luck.
[POUNDING]
Who is it?
This is Officer Morgan.
Washington Police Department.
The tape, Mr. Callender.
I'm here to get it and Nikki's life back.
I don't have the damn tape.
Alright?
Whoa, what are you-
what are you doing?
Okay fine. There's another one.
Kids name is Daniel Blanco.
Where does he live?
I don't know. We're just
casual acquaintances.
God, ow.
Okay yeah!
Call him.
Here.
Washington Police Department,
thanks you for your cooperation.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
So, why are you here?
I want to see
Trent Callender earlier.
He said you might know the
whereabouts of the Nikki Gold tape.
Depends on who's asking?
I am.
I'm defending her honor.
Fortunately, unless you are
also very rich,
it's out of your hands.
Tonight at midnight 1.6 million
dollars is wired into my bank account.
And I upload that file to
TMI's server.
You know selling that tape isn't
going to get Trent Callender back.
I don't care about Trent.
Why do you think I started sleeping
with him in the first place?
Don't, don't do this.
What if it was your mom
or your sister?
Those are both really gross images
I do not want in my head right now.
So uh, you have to leave.
Gum?
Thanks.
It was great meeting you.
Feel free to call me next
time you're in town.
Daniel get back in here!
Coming Dad.
Hi...
Get back her with that!
My trust fund won't last
forever, you know. Oh shit!
I am just in my hotel room.
Missing you, uh...
don't do anything stupid while you're
away because then you'll never see these.
Now chick-a-bow-wow...
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[CRASH]
Frick!
Hey guys. I'm a, I'm a cop too.
Get out of the car.
Okay I'm getting out.
I got a gun, so...
[ALARM BEEPS]
You know it's only identity.
It's a re-imagining of, of that world.
I just want them to like it.
Honey, Honey, they are
gonna like it.
You're gonna be fine.
Hey, nobody ever writes
anything bad at a premiere.
It's like a wedding.
You know, everybody's happy.
... mountain man was arrested
in New York earlier today.
This New Hampshire numb nut thought
the best way to break the law
was to rear end an NYPD...
Can you turn this up, how do
you turn this up?
There he is.
[LAUGHS]
He looks like
a confused park ranger.
It's off to the big house for the
Grizzly Adams guy. Here he is...
Well I'll be.
That's my boy.
That's right.
Oh he's so handsome.
Well of course.
Amos, shut off the TV.
Finish mopping up that floor.
That's what I'm doing, Terry.
Well I want to get out of
here tonight.
Yeah, you're always
riding my ass.
I'm gonna shove that mop up your
ass if you don't get moving.
Check the fryer too.
Why don't you fry this?
The much-hyped sex tape was
on his person.
Leaving us to believe the...
Can you turn around please?
What are you talking about?
What do you mean, turn around?
No, No, no, no.
No, Nikki, I am not going to let you
sabotage the biggest night of your life.
Please. This is not the time to
pull your impetuous child routine.
Here! Just take a drink.
A drink? I'm taking a break,
you hag.
What did you just call me?
You ungrateful...
Go ahead. Say something,
make me fire you.
You have none of the power in
this relationship.
Miss, what will it be?
Just keep going.
# Mmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
# Ooh hoo hoo
# Mm hmm hmm hmm mmm
Morgan, you're coming with me.
# Mm hmm hmm mm, hmmm hmm hmm
# Hoo hoo hoo ooh
Step away from the door.
[BUZZER]
[BUZZER]
There was a hat with this.
Excuse me!
There's a hat.
You mean this one?
Yeah, that's...
That's the one.
I would have been here sooner,
but I figured I owed you at
least one night in jail.
After all you gave me.
You look...
...beautiful.
This old thing?
Uh, I don't know. I mean
everyone said they loved it.
But I'm used to people lying
to my face, so...
That makes two of us.
You're still mad.
Less.
I'll take that.
[SIREN]
Sorry, they followed me.
[PAPARAZZI YELLING]
Officer Morgan!
Welcome to town.
I assume you're here because
you want to accept my offer.
My boss will give you
200 grand for the story.
You can't ignore me.
You'll never lose me, kid.
I'm going to sue you and
everyone in that damned town.
# Ben Sollee: "Boys Don't Cry"
# It's not impossible
for me to cry
# It's just the hardest
thing I've ever done
# And it's a shame you know but
it's ingrained you know
# Boys don't cry
# I can't change the
way you left
# All I wanted was
to say goodbye
# I was scared you know and
I was mad you know
# But boys don't cry
# Boys don't cry
# I could try and try to
change your mind
# Like one man pulling a
train down the line
# It takes time I know but who
has time you know
# Boys don't cry
# Could kick and scream,
cause a scene
# Take your anger out
on someone else
# Steal the car, raise the car,
don't you dare
# No, don't you dare cry
# And I must admit,
all jokes aside
# I find some men beautiful,
some girls handsome
# Some children wise and
I hope some day
# before I die, I can share the
kiss that brings tears to my eyes
# And it's a shame you know,
but it's ingrained you know
# Boys don't cry
# No oh oh oh No baby
# Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry no oh
# It's not impossible
for me to cry
# It's just the hardest
thing I've ever done #