It's about to come, it's about to come,
it's about to come.
In your face, in your hair.
I can't believe
you bid $1200 for this.
I have a really good feeling
about this. Trust me.
Yes you bought this all.
And now you're rollin' in this heap.
But you paid you paid.
You paid for this dirty Berber rug.
Which isn't actually so bad...
because I think you can get
these stains out with a little club soda.
This is all worthless.
Keep looking. We'll find something.
Bingo. Shh.
This is ridiculous, Michelle,
it's such a waste of time.
What's that?
"Found footage" that we found.
Wouldn't it be amazing if it was one of those
celebrity sex tapes and we could sell.
My God, my God. Put it in.
All right.
Carlsbad Police, what's your emergency?
Excuse me?
- Ma'am, what's your emergency?
- I'm a man, douche bag.
My voice is altered because
I've got 8 demons in me...
all taking turns to speak.
- Anyway, I killed 5 people.
- I'm sorry?
I served them 6-inch tuna subs
that I wiped my ass with.
- They all died from toxoplasmosis.
- Who?
The entire cast of The Artist
including that dog Uggie.
What?
Send the police, jerk-off.
And if you're hungry,
I still have half a sandwich left.
The Carlsbad community
was leveled by tragedy today...
as 3 clergy members
were found dead.
there was a call into our office
in a facsimile...
saying that there may have been
or might be a murder situation.
But we cannot confirm or deny
that the cast of the film The Artist...
has been murdered
in the basement of this house.
I, myself, am not a fan of the film.
Didn't really get it.
Hi, my name is Dana Rosti
and we're shooting a documentary.
Why are you shooting a documentary?
Well, when I was 10 years old...
my father murdered some people
in our basement.
And I just found out that he murdered them
while an exorcism was being performed.
On him.
By clowns.
Without his pants.
I'm sorry, can we stop for a second?
After 6 months of going to trial,
my dad was proven not guilty...
based on insanity,
but I didn't believe that.
Wait a minute.
Yeah! Aah! Aah!
It's the Olympics. Whoo!
Ooh! Hello.
How about a 5-way?
A year later, he was transferred to one of the
top psychiatric facilities in the world...
which happens to be in Italy,
which is, like, in a whole other country.
- Are we recording?
- We're on.
- And this is camera 1?
- Yeah.
And this is camera 2?
And this is the Steadicam.
And this is my 3D camera?
And this is my motion-capture camera?
Okay.
Let's do this.
You came on a very good day today,
Miss Rosti.
Your father is in very high spirits.
Italy had cutting-edge equipment,
brilliant doctors.
I need 3 CCs
of marinara, stat.
So listen, there's a good chance
he might not even remember you.
Okay.
Don't take offense to that.
It's just part of the disease.
Right.
Okay.
Let's just go
with one camera, okay? Great.
Dad? Do you remember me?
Connect the dots.
Connect the dots. Connect the dots.
Connect the dots.
Connecticut. No, dumb-ass.
Connect the dots.
I'd rather play Candy Land or Jenga
or something...
I'd rather play Connect the Dots
and Dana Shut Up.
Okay.
Great. Now, give me your phone.
What? Give me your phone.
Give me your phone. Give me your phone.
I'm getting it out of my purse.
Give me your phone.
And, bam!
You just bought me 2 Taiwanese hookers
for the price of one on Croupon.
Listen, I came here because I have
to tell you something really important.
Shh.
Dad. Now, get out of here!
I ain't got time for you no more.
"Out," he said. Away with you.
Out. I'm a pretty princess.
- Say it!
- You're a pretty princess.
- Louder!
- You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Finally. Ling Mi One and Ling Mi Two.
Who's sitting on my face first?
Since that day,
I never went back to see my old man.
While I was building a career,
I was looking for the man of my dreams.
And I found him...
the way all attention-seeking,
narcissist slut-bags do.
Dana.
Ha, ha.
That's me. That's not you guys.
Okay, here. Just hold that.
That's for you . Okay.
Will you accept this rose?
I would love to.
Okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Want this? Yeah, ride that donkey.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Join in, dude. Join in. Come on.
Aaron and I fell in love and got married
He had a beautiful 2-year-old daughter
named Liz.
And a New York strip for you,
young lady. I forgot.
It was just a matter of time before
I picked up the whole mothering thing.
It's good. All right.
Can't have a steak
without your steak knife.
Good girl. Good girl.
Yummy.
Okay, eat up, ducky,
they're starving in Africa.
Liz grew up so fast.
She was your typical teenage daughter
with a few issues to work out.
No, honey, now, don't. Don't...
We had Jonah about a year ago.
People say we're overprotective,
but I don't really see it.
Our family was growing...
so it was time to move out
of our cramped one-bedroom rental...
that we shared
with the 12-member Rodriguez family.
After an exhaustive search...
I found that the house I grew up in
was available.
This is amazing.
It's so peaceful here, honey.
I know, sweetheart.
Another big milestone for the Galen family.
Okay. Let's do this.
Okay.
Welcome to the new house, everyone.
Well, this is my beautiful daughter
coming down our new stairs.
There is my little man
with my favorite gal. Hello, sweetie.
Okay.
This house will work. I just
took the biggest dump upstairs.
Felipe.
Yes, missus?
It's time for Jonah's bath.
No, no, no.
Sorry, not tonight, missus.
Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha.
Baby, come over here.
If I may propose a little toast?
Very romantic. Well, thank you.
To nothing but beautiful memories
in our new home.
Babe.
I love you. I love you.
Cheers. Cheers.
Make sure you record every moment.
This is gonna be riveting to watch.
I just wanna document
our first full week in this house.
I'll edit it later.
It's all part of the master plan, babe.
I'm gonna do it at the same time.
It's so...
Text.
Yes. What?
I got the meeting.
Honey, that's wonderful.
I know.
They wanna schedule for next week.
Baby, I'm so proud of you.
This is a big deal, honey.
It's the Umbrella Corporation.
If I get this, I won't have to consult
for anyone again.
And you won't have to work
the corners anymore.
Baby, you've worked so hard for this.
Thank you.
Hey, you feel like
christening the new house?
Well, the kids are asleep.
You know how to turn me on.
Yeah? Wanna move some boxes, baby?
The only box I'm interested in
is yours.
Either one of you losers
might wanna take care of this.
You should get out.
Mommy and Daddy
are playing gardener.
Order a pizza. Unh.
Mushrooms?
Green peppers and mushrooms.
First full night in this house,
total awesomeness.
Let me get this here.
There we go.
- What? What? What is this mess?
- Who tossed around all the furniture?
Liz, what the hell happened here?
Don't know. I was just about
to post my nudes on Twitter...
and then I came in here
and saw this.
Baby? Dana?
What the hell?
Who redecorated the room?
You know, it's actually pretty nice,
in a retro kind of way.
Honey, it looks like Neil Patrick Harris
threw up in here.
For christ sakes.
My God.
Wait. What?
Dana doesn't know how to cook.
Where did all this food come from?
Aaron, what the hell
is going on here?
Yeah, Dad, this is fucking weird.
But for some reason, I wanna shoot it.
I don't know what this is either.
Could be your classic suburban burglar...
or a practical joke
by Martha Stewart.
You're wrong on both counts. Heh.
It's just sweet old me, Paula Bean.
I just wanted y'all to taste
my new low-fat recipe.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
You guys shooting a reality show
or something?
No. No, that's my daughter Liz.
Hi, babe.
Hey, sunshine.
You like things that dangle?
We're gonna saturate this space
with cameras.
Okay? I'm gonna put one up
in that corner.
Right? That way you get it coming this way. One
up in this corner, opposite direction. Boom.
One from the dining room. Bam.
Triangulation of coverage.
Put one over the stove, right,
get it pointed this way.
One on top of the TV,
pointed this way.
That way we get the full coverage
in here, okay?
All right, yeah. That's good.
Okay.
I forgot
to put this on the list.
You can install a camera
on this?
No. To fuck on.
Then I install a camera.
Ha-ha-ha!
Okay, there's more house.
Let's go.
We got one directly above the crib
and the one over here up the bunny's ass.
Hey.
This seems sturdy, right?
Good for a nice blowing, right? You just
slide in between the slats and then...
We'll get another one right here
coming in.
We got this one pointed directly this way
and then one directly over the bed.
Wait, why our bed?
Don't worry about it.
Look at this fucking
great bathroom.
Shit,
this is fucking beautiful.
We're gonna stick one here
pointed at the bathtub.
We got one high in this corner,
directed at the shower.
And then one in the toilet.
Excuse me?
What are you doing
in my shower?
Get out, out, out.
Really?
Sorry.
These are my nieces.
I love the pool heaters.
Morning, honey.
Somebody slept in this morning.
I like sleeping.
Especially when it's
sweet dreams about you.
Hi. What is that?
What?
There's writing on your face.
Yeah, I do that every night.
It's good for the skin.
What the hell is going on here?
And this is exactly why we have cameras,
so we can get to the bottom of this stuff.
What the...
My God.
My God, honey, we have ghosts.
Okay, okay. No, honey, it's okay. I think
you're being a little over dramatic.
I'm sorry, really?
What would you call that?
It could be a million different things.
Like what?
Could be the air conditioning,
window was left open.
Scientologists.
No. I am sorry, honey, those are ghosts
and I am freaking out right now.
Okay, Dana. Dana, look at me.
Calm down, okay?
They're not ghosts.
There is no such thing
as ghosts. Trust me.
Okay, fine.
Attention, all ghosts.
If you're here with us right now
in this house...
for the love of Jesus,
give us a sign.
Okay. I guess you're right,
honey.
Goddamn Scientologists.
I just don't understand
why this is happening to us.
I think I do.
What?
It all started when I was 7.
I was getting drunk with my sister.
We'd use tiny teacups,
that way our parents never knew.
Don't put that there. Why?
Because Jeremy's sitting there. Jillian,
you gotta stop with this ghost thing.
You sound crazy.
I'm not crazy,
I'm just telling you the truth.
Sorry, Jillian, that one
was a little tougher to pinch off.
Facial.
Okay. Tea me up.
But Jeremy Lin wasn't even a Knick back
then and I didn't know you had a sister.
She was deported to Guatemala
when I was 10.
But that's not the point.
The point is that 2 years after that...
my father killed the entire cast
of The Artist...
including Uggie the dog.
Why? That was a great movie.
Frankly, I don't understand
why the whole film had to be silent.
But anyway...
it wasn't until I was 20 years old that I
found out my father killed those people...
during an exorcism.
What?
I know. It's crazy? Yeah.
He's been in a psychiatric hospital
in ltaly ever since.
Who's the person that walked you down
the aisle and comes over for the holidays?
Sweetie. He's just an actor.
His name's Joel Solomon.
He's very talented.
I called him Pop-Pop.
Listen, I...
I really think we should call in
the Ghost Brothers.
No way. Honey, those guys
are scam artists. You know that. No.
Okay. Are you coming to bed?
Not yet, I'm only halfway done with this,
honey. I need at least 45 more minutes.
Babe, I've missed your touch.
It's long since we...
I know, it's all gone.
Let's get something to eat.
Let's get some milk.
What the...?
I just bought 2 containers of milk.
Who drank it all?
Hello, we are the Ghost Brothers,
here to investigate.
It is so thick in here, dude.
So many ghosts in the air!
I know what you mean.
It's like we're breathing in ghosts.
Dude, I am choking
on a ghost right now.
- I am choking on a ghost.
- Spit that ghost out.
Spit that ghost out right now.
Spit it out! I'll punch it out if you want!
Guys!
You guys are professionals, right?
Yeah, 100 percent.
We even have business cards.
Call me the middle man.
There you go. Super legit.
Call us because we're always open. Daily.
Did you hear that?
That TV just turned on!
We're gonna die.
Here we go, let's go.
Rack them up, dude.
This is what we've been training for.
I turned it on.
She turned it on. So...
She's possessed by ghosts!
She's possessed by ghosts!
My Lord! I am a...
My God.
These ghost readings are off the charts.
Dude, there are 57 ghosts
in that bathroom over there.
What?
Where are you getting
these numbers from?
A ghost was just born
in my hand.
What do we do?
Flamboyant scream?
Duh.
Stop it! Stop!
My God! My God! My God!
Ooh.
Seriously? This is what you
brought into our house?
All right, so we found about 70 ghosts
in your house total.
in your bedroom.
Also, it's our day off,
so we charge double for that.
So, whatever you guys think is fair.
So, basically, free?
I was thinking moreover, like, $3.
Fine, deal. Go.
Thank you so much. Hell, yeah.
If you need us, we will be in our van,
watching the perimeters.
A door doesn't wake you? You deaf?
I knew I had to step up my game...
or I'd get kicked out of the house.
I love the pool cleaners.
I love the pool cleaners.
I love the pool cleaners.
Do the left nut.
Left nut.
My hair.
There's something about the way
You do your thing
I can't take my eyes off you.
- Liz, you have a visitor.
- What the...?
Good morning, young lady.
Hey. I was just looking for my earring.
There it is.
Who said you could come to my room?
Well, I apologize for barging in.
Your mother gave me permission.
Well, what if I didn't want you
to come up?
I had a sneaking suspicion...
you did. And how's that?
By the very way you were staring at me.
Say what? I wasn't staring at you, dude.
I was writing in my journal.
Look, I don't know what you want,
but I'm really busy.
I was just about to pierce my pancreas.
I just came to say hello.
Hello Hello.
Come to Abe.
Shit-burger.
What?
Gotta go, babe. Getting the
hairy eyeball from my sweet slut.
Yeah. Check you later, though.
Can't wait to get inside
that oval office.
Stay free.
But wait! I didn't even get to show you
my Apple product placement!
Is this thing on?
Hello, America! Hello, America!
All right, we came here expecting to find
a bunch of ghosts and guess what?
We did.
I didn't say any of that just now.
You're possessed.
Dude, kill me.
I'm trying, but I can't. Why?
Because I'm possessed too.
We're both possessed by ghosts!
We're both possessed by ghosts!
Ooh! Gotta go.
Call you tomorrow. Goodbye.
Yes, Miss Liz?
I thought maybe we could talk.
Come on in. Come on.
Sit down.
Don't worry about that.
Felipe was just tanning.
Just some tanning.
There you go, sit down.
Heh, heh.
Don't worry, they don't bite.
Ay-ay-ay. Ahem.
So, what can I help you with?
It's about a boy.
Of course it is.
His name is Abraham and I just don't know
if I've already blown it with him.
I really like him.
I think about him all the time.
There are certain things you can do to...
How you say?
To win him over.
Like what?
It's called "Roofie and Bang."
A "Roofie and Bang"?
Just put one of those in his Amaretto Sours
and he's yours for the rest of the night.
And the best thing is that they wake up
the next morning...
not knowing I stuck my cheese
between their crackers.
Ha, ha! It's fabulous. Have fun.
Heh, heh.
No.
Poor little baby.
Are you hungry?
Are you hungry, baby Jonah?
Come here. Just kidding.
What a good boy. Yeah.
Shh!
Help me! Aah!
Unh!
Jesus Christ.
Dude, are you okay?
What the hell is this doing here?
I gotta know,
who the hells are you? You?
I'm directing. We're...
Leave me alone!
Sweet Lord.
My God.
No. No. No, no, no.
Thank God.
If that thing had been left out another hour,
we would've had ourselves a murky pool.
Hey, Felipe.
Bam! Dutch oven, bitch.
Aw, baby.
Thank you, honey.
Your nose is cold.
Baby, the eggroll.
Teeth, teeth, teeth.
You need a haircut.
There's so much...
Get it off me. Get it off me.
Good morning, sweetheart.
Hi. Hi.
You know, I gotta tell you...
that was a really nice surprise
you gave me last night.
I'm telling you, baby...
it's moments like those
that make this marriage so exciting.
What? This...
You want to mess with me?
You've messed with the wrong person,
jerk-off.
Aaron, what are you doing?
Dana, they have crossed the line
and I am not taking their crap anymore.
Sweetheart, please.
I think if we just lay low
and we don't interact, they'll go away.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, fine. Okay. All right.
I'm giving it one week. That's it.
Okay.
Got it? Yes.
I've got a big interview
and I am not gonna have it screwed up...
by a bunch of ghosts.
I understa...
Sweetie, we have to go. We have to run
those illegals across the border.
My God. Is it noon already?
Baby, yeah.
Go, go.
Illegals don't keep in the heat, sweetie.
He maintains a strict plant-based diet.
Beat an egg white.
I made it faster than the machine.
Over the counter. One.
Yes. 1, 2, 3, go.
Yeah, baby.
That's right. That's it. It feels...
Feels so good.
So smooth. You're a dirty little one.
You're a dirty little minx. You...
Look at it. Look at it.
And you thought we couldn't fit
Well, once again, honey, you were right.
Thank you, sweetie.
- Honey, do you smell something burning?
- No.
Something's burning.
Ew.
Ectoplasm.
Son of a bitch!
Aaron, you're wasting all of it.
Don't worry, honey.
It's only the cheap stuff from Tijuana.
I just don't get what this is gonna prove.
It's gonna prove
that we're not going out of our minds.
If anyone or anything
is coming into this room...
we'll have a clear idea
of what we are dealing with.
Whoo!
What was that?
Holy sweet nuts.
Sweet potato pancakes,
would you look at that?
It's scary.
It's okay, baby. It's okay.
So scary. Don't get too...
Look.
Honey, he's just a witty-bitty thing.
It's so cute.
No. I knew it, honey. He's a baller.
No. It's okay.
You know what they say about big feet.
Don't worry, baby. Don't wo...
They end here.
This is weird.
My God. Did you leave that open?
What, the...?
No.
We are so fucked.
I'm the raccoon that snuck into your attic.
Scratchy, scratchy.
Now your power bill's through the roof.
Whoo!
If you got home insurance
where you got car insurance...
then you're gonna have to pay
for this by yourself.
So get Upstate. You'll save money
and be better protected from mayhem...
like me.
Okay, ducky, so you wanna
give him his baba in half an hour...
and give him the soy formula
because he's had a lot...
Bitch, I got it covered.
Get the hell out.
Okay. Bye, now, sweetie.
Okay. Okay.
And we're shoving now.
That's good.
He's okay. He'll walk it off. Just go.
I got you. It's okay.
Bye, buddy.
You smell like a dumpster. Yeah.
Shh.
My bad.
Dude, seriously.
Dude, they dropped me all the time.
Look how good I turned out.
The Tasmanian monkey is not one
to shy away from a good ass-humping.
With its muscular hind legs and powerful
thrusts that can pull a 1-ton truck...
this rare species is...
Sorry to barge in.
I just locked myself out of the house.
Can I use your phone? Yeah.
You mind if I take my pants off?
No.
You mind if I deep French kiss you
while I fondle your 12-year-old boy ass?
Okay.
My name is Alice...
and this is my world.
Shit! You guys gotta get out of here.
But we just got started.
I don't care! Get out! Okay!
Guess we'll just have to do each other.
Leave.
Well, hello...
Maybe your friends would care to stay
for a libation?
Or two.
No.
Baby.
You and I belong together.
You know...
I greatly apologize
for intruding upon your privacy.
Not at all . Sit down.
Can I get you something to drink?
Amaretto Sour?
No, I don't think that'll be nece...
Why, thank you.
Is that John Wilkes Booth?
Where?
My mistake. I hate that guy.
Me too.
Anyways...
I'm glad you're here.
As am I.
You look thirsty.
Drink, drink, drink.
All the way.
Good boy.
Come to Abe.
Yeah.
I'm Abe Lincoln.
Wow, you know,
I am feeling a little sleepy.
Don't fight it.
Show me the Lincoln Monument.
Yeah, I want you to go to the South.
Yeah, take me to the South.
You wanna see the Lincoln Monument?
Show it to me.
Sorry, bitch. He's mine.
What in tarnation?
You're in good hands now, papi.
Felipe was the one who created
the Roofie and Bang.
Hey! Let me out!
I want to free your penis slaves.
Rats!
Your nipples...
they taste like copper pennies.
I'd like to invite you to the Teabag Party.
Abraham?
Abraham!
Help me! Help me! Help me!
Abe Lincoln's getting teabagged!
No, stop it!
Take this, you dragon tattooed slut!
Abraham.
Abraham?
Abraham.
Abraham!
Let me in!
Mom, Dad, it's me, Jonah.
Where do I start?
It was just supposed to be for one night.
I wanted to be cool, you know?
I wanted to be more than just a baby
in the crib.
And then things got a
little out of control.
Excuse me! Excuse me, please!
You're all gonna have to shut this down...
or I'm gonna have to call the cops.
It's about time we had a proper date night.
Well, it was a wonderful night.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what I am excited about.
Having a chocolate muffin for dessert.
That is for tomorrow, young man.
Wow. Honey, there's no mess.
I'm so impressed.
I told you, Liz is responsible
to handle all of this.
You know, once again you were right.
Thank you, dear.
Shh, shh.
Hey, Jonah.
Is that a wine cooler?
Ooh! Look at that.
Honey Badger don't give a shit.
He'll just run through your bedroom while
you're sleeping. Honey Badger don't care.
It's not even fun anymore.
Honey?
Honey, wake up.
I already gave you a handgie.
Did you hear that?
Something downstairs.
No, no, no.
Damn it, no.
My God.
No!
Sweetie!
Damn it. What is it?
Someone ate
my chocolate muffin.
Yeah.
Babe?
My God.
That's 7 years bad luck.
I know.
They swapped out all the family photos.
I gotta document this.
Honey?
Something's breathing on me.
And it smells like chocolate muffin.
Wow.
A lot of them look like they're
from the turn of the century.
And now it's feeling me up.
Ooh.
Who's a naughty ghost?
Wow, baby, you gotta look at this.
The ghost's great grandfather's ghost
is in a picture with President Roosevelt.
Yeah, you're a bad ghost!
Do it to me like it's paranormal!
- Looks like Hitler's ghost is here.
- Yeah.
Yeah! Yeah, fuck me
like you don't know me!
God, you're such a big ghost!
- God, I love poltergeists! Yeah!
- Right, right, right.
Okay.
Whoa!
Close the door!
Close the door! Close it!
Sorry.
Hello. Hi. Come on in. Hi.
- We weren't expecting visitors.
- No, that's okay.
- It's small, but we get by.
- Didn't mean to intrude.
- Sit down, welcome to our humble abode.
- Welcome.
We know it's not much.
Hey, what you guys saw back there,
totally nothing.
Hey, guys, we're not here to judge.
Yeah, no.
- That was actually science, okay?
- Yeah.
We can't really get into it because it's...
Guys, it's fine. It's fine. Listen.
Things are getting worse
at the house.
Um, hey, why are you filming all of this?
I just feel the need
to record everything.
Good call.
Yeah, good call, my man.
We actually do the same thing.
Camera twins. Let's go.
Okay, look, guys... Okay.
We really, really need your help.
All right. Step number one.
You gotta hire yourself
a Hispanic gay manny, all right?
But he's not gonna do
any of his chores.
- Instead, this is the kicker.
- Here's the kicker. I love this part.
This is great. He's gonna be up in his room
all day with some secret lover...
that nobody really knows
or understands at all.
I'm sorry. Are you frigging kidding me?
What Effing?
You've just described
our Manny Felipe.
Great. Awesome. All right.
I'll check that one off. Moving on.
Cool.
All right, here we go. Number two.
You're gonna have to do a very bad job
at raising a teenage girl, okay?
That way she can have a very rebellious
phase in her teens.
I'm talking tattoos.
I'm talking piercings.
I'm talking things to do with dragons.
You get my drift?
You guys...? Okay.
Great. You guys already have that.
Here's number three.
Aaron, this is just for you.
All you gotta do is stumble upon
two naked dudes in their van.
That's it. That's all there is to it.
Aaron! Aaron!
No, no! Aah!
Aaron!
No.
Fuck. I forgot the crisps.
Good morning.
How long have you been up?
Honey?
You okay? Hello?
Dana?
Dana. Honey, talk to me. What are you...?
Holy mother of cotton.
Dana. Baby? Baby. Say some...
"Get out of my house...
buttnuts"?
Hello?
Hello, sir.
You wanna come here?
No, no. That's fantastic, sir.
My house is your house.
Bye-bye.
Dana, that was the CEO
of the Umbrella Corporation.
He's coming here. Isn't that great? Wha...?
Right.
I've gotta figure out how to get
you depossessed before he gets here.
But since you're unconscious anyway...
No.
Okay.
Sluggy?
Sluggy Kornnutz, exorcism specialist.
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ
and all of his saviors...
I command you, evict this body...
and return back to the bowels of hell
from whence you came.
Defiant one.
They hate this.
What? What? What? What's going on?
She's being possessed by the
her inner demons.
We all have them.
We try to fight them on a daily basis...
whether it's eating the last half-pint
of strawberry ice cream...
or shooting up an armful of smack...
Sluggy. Please.
Sorry.
Time to bring out the big guns.
What are you doing?
An intervention.
Stop, stop. Stop it.
What? What's wrong?
You're not shooting my wife.
Suit yourself.
We'll stick with the chosen plan.
I'm okay. I'm back.
Mazel tov Mazel tov!
You've got 20 minutes
to knock my socks off.
But first, I need your bathroom.
I just sharted myself.
Very impressed.
You've got everything covered.
Thank you.
What do you know about umbrellas?
I'm sorry?
What do you know about umbrellas?
You...
use them when it rains?
Aaron...
you're hired.
My God.
All right. Hi.
My God. Hey. Thanks, guys.
All right, enough.
Listen, I need to use your bathroom again.
This time, not only did I shart,
but I peed myself too.
Of course...
You didn't pay your electric bill?
That's a loser move.
Winners pay their bills.
No, no, no, I pay my bills. All the time.
I'm a winner. Ask anybody.
There's a short. There's a short
in the breaker. It happens all the time.
I know that you've got a plane to catch,
so why don't we just go out and...?
Thank you, honey.
I've done some messed-up shit
in my life...
but that is insanity.
Aaron, you're fired.
What...? Wait, wait, no, no, no.
I can explain. I can explain.
Wait, sir. Sir. Right over here.
Look. Look in the closet. See?
We've got three umbrell... Look.
Look, one of the umbrellas is already open
in case it rains in the house.
Sir, just give me one more chance, please.
I'm gonna borrow your dog for a few days.
I don't know if... Fantastic.
Baby.
There's something about the way
You do your thing.
Generic? Loser.
Damn it.
Damn it! Shit!
Yes. Now, that felt good. Bloody good.
So you think that's funny?
Why don't you come out
and show yourself, you son of a bitch?
You're so stupid. Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, sure, it's easy to haunt people
when you're invisible.
Come out here, you wuss.
I'm a ghost.
- Holy shit.
- Calm down.
Now is not the time for fear.
That comes later. Ha, ha, ha.
What?
I said, calm down.
Now is not the time for fear.
That comes later.
I'm sorry, I'm not getting it.
You dumb-ass.
I said, calm down.
Now is not the time for fear.
That comes later.
Okay. No, no, no, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Shit. God.
What on earth is going on
down there?
Honey, hi.
You think you could give me a hand?
Why is Manuel
the Guatemalan gardener shirtless?
All right. I got you now.
Been waiting a long time.
This is some good shit.
The best.
Buttery, isn't it? Amazing.
That's my cock.
You'd think it would be circumcised.
This is the scary part.
Ha, ha, ha.
What the hell is going on?
Welcome! Welcome to
the 74th Annual Hunger Games.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
Ha, ha, ha.
For the love of God, please have mercy!
I don't want my ass
to be branded!
My God. Honey.
It's the Ghost Brothers.
Take that, douche bags!
Take that, douche bags!
You saved our lives.
Thank you so much.
Yeah,
we're getting out of here.
No. No, dude.
Abe Lincoln, bro.
Hey, hey, hey, Abraham Lincoln!
Ho-ho-ho.
What are you doing?
Killing ghost hunters.
But you're a vampire slayer.
Yeah, well, getting tea-bagged by a ghost
changes a man.
My God!
No, no, no! Please, don't! Don't!
Die, you son of a bitch.
Die!
Abe Lincoln's getting Tased.
Leave my dad alone, bitch.
Liz? Honey.
Honey, you look great.
What happened to you?
Guys, I'm so sorry for being the rebellious,
skanky, slutty teenager for so long.
You two deserve better than that.
You've been the most amazing parents...
and I love you both so much.
- Honey. We love you.
- We love you.
That's an ax.
That's an ax in my arm.
There is one more bit of exciting news.
You got off the meth?
Your herpes cleared up?
You're not a lesbian anymore?
No.
I met the most amazing guy...
and he's brought so much positivity
to my life on so many levels.
Mom and Dad,
meet my new boyfriend Otto.
Isn't he the sweetest?
Does Otto have a five-year plan?
He's Jewish.
I love Jews.
That's a good plan. I like it.
I stood face to face
and fought off an attack...
and I know that you
want all of the facts.
So stick a fin in your ear
and dig out the wax!
Felipe!
I'm just kidding!
The cameras they had taped
and the mouse was afraid...
that his ass would get laid.
If my ass would get laid!
- Hey, gang!
- Dad?
I know, I know.
Yeah, I got kicked out of the hospital
for lewd misconduct, whatever that means.
So I thought I'd stay with you.
No, we don't have the...
Cool. Come in, ladies. We got company.
Awesome. Discount whores.
The best.
This is...
Bah!
Okay, well, if you need me, I will be
upstairs doing the Jamaican Donut.
Yeah. It's like yoga,
except it's stinky.
Then we'll do a Pittsburgh Platter,
Cleveland Steamer. We'll mix it up.
- So that was your real father?
- Yeah.
I like him.
I like him a lot.
Are you effing kidding me? This is the
biggest piece of crap video I've ever seen.
I know.
We aren't getting squat for it.
I don't know.
Well, I thought it was pretty damn good.
Could one of you be a dove
and get me another tub of popcorn?
Extra butter, please,
with a splash of patchouli oil?
I like the taste of honey.
This ain't from a honey bee
I like the sea and sunshine
I like to feel I'm free
I like the icy water
I like to feel I'm tall
I like your lips on my lips
I'll catch you when you fall
I like it that way.
Yes, I like it that way
I like it that way.
Yes, I like it that way
I like the color purple.
It makes my world go round
I like the shady palm tree
When I lay on the ground
I like it that way.
Yes, I like it that way
I like it that way.
Yes, I like it that way
I like it that way.
Yes, I like it that way
I like it that way.
Yes, I like it that way.
Yes, I like it that way