RYAN: Hello. Hello.
RYAN: Wait, hey.
NICOLE: What?
You're such a rogue. Give me that.
RYAN: Hey. Hey.
NICOLE: Hey?
Baby.
Turn it off.
Turn it off. Turn it offl
Do you think this is a joke?
When l come home tonight, we have to talk.
This is not working.
You want to push it even further?
Whatever. This is ridiculous.
It happened again. Last night.
MATT: (Voiceover) lt's hard to explain.
Itstarts outlike an earthquake.
Then l look over at the girl next to me,
and whoevershe is...
...she's not Nicole.
And all l feel is emptiness.
And that's when it happens.
This great, big black hole...
...opens up over my head.
-Again with the black hole?
-Yeah.
(Sound of ceiling cracking)
-It's nothing but vast emptiness.
-And then what?
I panic.
(Dramatic instrumental music)
You have to help me.
You have to light a candle for me or something.
I'm not lighting a candle
so you can feel better about sex.
That's not what this is about.
It's been six months since Nicole dumped you?
You're feeling sorry for yourself,
screwing every woman in sight.
You want me to say it's okay,
that God forgives you.
At some point it's not okay.
He doesn't forgive you.
-That's advice?
-If you don't like it, see a real priest.
How will you be a real priest
if you can't follow the rules?
Besides, you're the only priest l know
who happens to be my brother.
-You're only a year away from being a real priest.
-Two years.
You need to deal with your emotions
and stop screwing around.
What l don't need is a lecture
from you, dick.
JOHN: You're the dick!
No, that sounds great.
That sounds incredible.
We might have to bump
a few things from ourschedule...
...but we can make it happen for tonight.
Matt and l will definitely be there tonight.
We're putting our bells on right now.
Okay. All right, bye-bye.
MATT: l can't go.
RYAN: What are you talking about?
MATT: l just don't feel like it right now.
RYAN: You don't....
I know you're trying to work out
your Nicole issues with the black hole.
-But trust me, trust me--
-I don't have any Nicole issues.
"Hi, l'm one of many pictures of Nicole...
"...thatinfests Ryan and Matt's apartment
aftersix months."
She's hot. I don't mind looking at her.
-I'm saying you have issues.
-These aren't issues.
You still think about her when you jerk off?
Anyway, l've got something
that'll make it all better.
Those two girls we met in Tahoe.
In town for one night, and one night only.
Don't say no yet. No, don't say no.
"l want to come! l want to come!
"They're hot! l want pussy." Oh, yeah!
(Upbeat rock music)
-Hi.
-How are you doing?
-Good. You?
-Excellent.
Good.
Waiter.
This isn't Absolut Vodka.
I ordered Absolut.
Yes, it is.
SUSIE: Are you calling me a liar?
WAITER: l'll bring you another one.
Sorry. I hope l didn't come off as mean.
You know what you want.
That's a good thing, right?
Yeah, l do.
I know exactly what l want.
(Sound of ceiling cracking)
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-What's wrong?
-Nothing. I'll be right back, okay?
-Okay.
Get it together.
-Throw me a Magnum for my magnum, big boy.
-Yeah.
Thank you.
Hey, have you ever noticed
a crack on my ceiling?
Dude, you're action-packed with issues.
-I can't do this anymore.
-For Christ's sake.
What? Does Johnny not want
to come out and play?
No! Johnny's fine, okay? lt's....
-I'm all fucked up.
-All right.
Here's what you're gonna do.
Strap a helmet on Big John,
and put him in the game.
He'll play his little heart out
and put up big numbers for you.
You're gonna forget about
the cracks in the ceiling, forget about Nicole.
Go out and give your star player
the support he needs.
RYAN: Right?
MATT: Right.
Helmet.
Oh, God. Yes.
Come with me. Are you ready?
-Almost.
-Oh, yeah.
Oh, yesl
-What are you looking at?
-Nothing. Nothing.
SUSIE: Are you with me?
MATT: Yeah.
SUSIE: l'm close.
-Oh, God. Ready?
-Now?
Now!
(Matt shrieks and groans)
What the fuck was that?
What?
Did you come?
-Yes.
-No, you didn't.
-You faked it.
-No!
Guys don't fake it.
I don't even think that we can.
You faked it.
(Tense instrumental music)
-Show me.
-Show you what?
-You know, stuff.
-This is ridiculous.
-What are you hiding?
-Nothing. Give me a second.
DIANA: Just a sec!
-What's going on?
-I need something.
-Anything that looks like semen. Okay?
-Something that looks like semen?
SUSIE: What's going on out there?
You are such a bad liar.
DUNCAN: The Lakers and Suns can't be
in the finals together.
MATT: Thanks a lot, man.
DUNCAN: What's up, Matt?
What's up, man?
I heard you tried
to leave one in the chamber last night.
-Where'd you hear that?
-Internet.
It's all on the lnternet nowadays, you know.
-This is an lnternet company.
-And Ryan has a big mouth, huh?
'Morning, ladies.
CHRIS: Are you in on the basketball pool?
-What's the line on that game?
-I'll ask the Bagel Guy when he gets here.
-What's the Bagel Guy have to do with this?
-Bagel Guy knows everything.
Dude's incredible.
Why can't he get here on time with the bagels?
(lndistinct chatter)
BAGEL GUY: Hey!
It's just been one of those days.
You know what l mean?
MATT: Yes, l do.
I got held up at this import-export place
in Chinatown. Some party.
MATT: Golden Spirit?
BAGEL GUY: That's the one.
Their mimosas are strong!
They go straight to your head.
I used to know someone who worked there.
-You know Tatiana?
-Yeah, l know Tatiana. She's nice.
She's not nice, she's hot. I'd hit that.
BAGEL GUY: And how about Merj?
MATT: Yeah, l know Merj.
What about that really hot chick
that got engaged? That was funny.
What really hot chick?
What really hot chick got engaged?
The expediter chick. You know, real slinky.
-What's her name?
-Nicole?
That's it. She knows the guy for two weeks.
She goes to France...
...she comes back, she's engaged.
She is spontaneous-combustion hot.
I would definitely hit that.
(Loud sound of clattering)
How do you know it's Nicole
that got engaged?
That's what the banner said at the party.
"Congratulations Nicole."
I can't believe it.
You can't even look right at her.
She's so hot, you need one of those
cardboard eclipse-watching things...
...just to look directly at her.
She's radiantly hot.
It makes me just want to throw her down and....
You know what l mean?
I'm glad we can connect on that.
BAGEL GUY: Later, pimp.
CHRIS: Later.
(Rhythmic instrumental music)
NICK: Hey, Matt.
You all right?
(Slow instrumental music)
GIRL: Oh, God. I am so sorry.
MATT: lt's okay. It's okay.
GIRL: Are you okay?
MATT: Yeah, l'm fine.
Is there anything l can do
to make it better?
Anything?
Again?
Another girl already?
JOHN: lt's not even the weekend.
MATT: l know, l know.
She met someone. Nicole's getting married.
I'm sorry.
I mean, what can l do?
-Tell me what l can do.
-I don't know what to tell you.
This isn't really a problem l know much about.
Listen, isn't part of the priestly thing
giving relationship advice?
Relationship advice, yes. Sex advice, no.
Part of the "priestly thing," and stop
calling it that, is not to have sex. Remember?
-I didn't say a thing about sex.
-Sure you did.
No, l didn't.
I guess thinking about sex
is part of the priestly thing.
-At least for some.
-Get out.
Fine.
FATHER MAHER: Good morning, Matt.
MATT: 'Morning, Father.
-What's with the purple banners?
-Lent starts today.
It'll be a long 40 days this year.
I'm giving up my one vice.
Those precious little madeleine cookies
dipped in a Starbucks' Mocha.
It's so hard giving up what you love the most.
I've got it! Jesus Christ, l've got an answer.
-And the question is?
-Nicole.
Again?
No sex for Lent. For 40 days.
If l can do that, it'll all be okay.
That isn't what Lent is.
Lent is about sacrifice
and growth through self-denial.
-Lent is to remember--
-How Christ felt during the fast in the desert.
I grew up in the same house as you, moron.
When it comes down to it, that's what this is.
This is growth. This is self-denial.
This is sacrifice.
Dude!
-It's not that simple, Matt. Trust me.
-It is that....
You're right.
You're totally right.
Sex alone is not enough.
It has to be sex and all things sex-like.
-You'll never be able to do that.
-Here's the plan.
One, no sex.
Two, no sexual intimacy of any kind.
No nibbling, no biting...
...no scratching, no sucking, no fondling.
None of that.
And three...
-...no masturbation.
-You won't last a week.
Oh, you're wrong, Brother.
I'm gonna go the distance.
(lnspirational Gospel music)
-Your brother looks happy.
-He's just taken a vow of celibacy.
Oh, dear.
(Upbeat rock music)
Dude.
What the fuck is that?
This is a 1966 Karmann Ghia Coupe.
When l am finished with that...
...l'm going to do
the Caterham Super Seven Cycle Fender Special.
We're going out tonight. There's this club.
Remember that Australian chick, Jennifer Moss?
RYAN: She's got friends visiting from Sydney.
MATT: l can't. I have laundry.
-Do you know why they call it "down under"?
-I still can't.
Do you realize how much time we waste
thinking about girls?
You want some alone time in the apartment
with the jerking off.
That's cool. I can do that.
I'll tell them you said hi.
Do you have change for $2?
Excuse me. I forgot something to read.
Do you mind if l borrow this?
Thanks.
A lovers' rendezvous.
You underline words that you don't know
and then look them up later.
Right?
And you underlined "tryst,"
which is a meeting of lovers.
I do that, too.
ERICA: Matt?
It was on the cover of the magazine.
Can l borrow a sheet of fabric softener?
Thanks.
It's been really fun almost chatting with you.
Same time next week?
Okay. 'Bye.
You are way ahead of schedule.
If l were you,
l'd give me something else to do, quick.
Think you can handle
the Willow and Smart account?
-Window treatments aren't the sexiest--
-It doesn't bother me at all.
JERRY: You'd be designing the entire web page.
Okay.
MATT: Hey, Ryan. What's happening?
Do you know how long l spent
looking for my Temple of Poon tape?
One. That's a long time to be looking for porn.
What the fuck is going on here?
One, you can't do it.
You can't.
This isn't a personal attack towards you.
No man can do it. It goes against nature.
The male was biologically designed
to spread his seed.
You're gonna piss off the seeds!
lt goes against science!
You want to be the guy
who goes against science?
And two?
Two, are you out of your fucking mind?
You're the guy who can't finish a sandwich.
You think you can go 40 days?
This isn't normal!
She got engaged, Ryan.
Nicole got engaged.
I knew that. I didn't tell you.
I thought you'd be pissed.
Sorry. I should've told you.
-I heard it from the Bagel Guy!
-Does he know everything?
-You should've told me!
-I know that. I should've told you.
I'm sorry. Just explain this to me though.
All right?
Nicole gets engaged.
You decide to take a vow of abstinence.
You've never gotten to the point
where you need a break?
Yes! l swear off girls once a week.
Then, before you know it, it's morning.
That's part of the game.
-Did your brother put you up to this?
-He's about as supportive as you are.
And what do you care anyway?
This doesn't affect you in any way.
This affects everyone.
CHRIS: Right now the pot is at $200.
It's a minimum bet of $50 a day...
...which goes into the pot.
Ifyou win, you win the potless expenses...
...and a bottle of champagne.
If more than one person bets
on a winning day...
...they split the pot according
to the percentage of the day's total bets.
-I go 40 days without sex all the time.
-But, dude, you spank it.
MIKEY: No jerking off?
NEIL: That's why my money is on today.
There are two things to bet on.
One, will it be with some girl?
Two, will it be some lonely night
down the stretch?
-How will we know that?
-I can't tell you everything.
-I can tell you there's someone on the inside.
-Yup, like Ryan.
-So Matt doesn't know anything?
-No, no.
That is very important.
Key.
This is great. I mean, this is crazy great.
Everything is so much simpler
when there's no sex involved.
I think this is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
-You're starting to feel it, aren't you?
-What?
The abstinence.
It's starting to get under your skin?
No, not at all. I'm fine.
You know what l gave up for Lent? Meat.
Why don't you try something like that?
Trust me, celibacy takes years of commitment,
character and discipline...
...which quite frankly are not your best traits.
-So you're the only one with a little willpower?
-A little willpower?
-If you can do this, l can do this.
-You have no idea.
ANDIE: What is so hard about 40 days?
MANDY: They're guys.
-To them, 40 minutes is like an eternity.
-They're like animals.
Their entire lives revolve around their penises.
How many days do you think he'll last?
Days? Uh-uh, girl. Watch this.
You are so bad.
MATT: Hi.
CANDY: Hi.
Did you do these layouts?
I helped on them, kind of.
-These are amazing.
-Thanks.
You're, like, this totally amazing layout guy.
DUNCAN: Something's happening. Behind me.
Okay, come here.
I have a big layout problem.
You do?
-Can you keep a secret?
-Yeah.
Oh, goodness.
I have this tattoo of a butterfly...
...on the inside of my thigh.
Yes, you do.
I want to get something on the other side.
I don't know what to get. Any ideas?
I don't know.
I was thinking about a cute little pussycat.
-Do you like pussycats, Matt?
-Yeah.
If you're not busy later,
you can come over and help pick one out.
I can't. I mean, we can't.
Pussycats are mean to butterflies.
They dislike them very much
and hit them with theirpaws.
-And it hurts the little butterfly.
-Right.
Yeah.
Okay. If you change your mind....
Did she just Xerox her ass?
MIKEY: What?
DUNCAN: Get off me.
CANDY: You can give me a call, okay?
This is a photocopy of Candy's ass?
Yup.
You're gonna call her, right?
Obviously, you're gonna call her.
No, l'm not gonna call her.
It's like as soon as you don't want it,
they can smell it.
They'll photocopy their ass.
She photocopied her own ass.
You're doing a lot of laundry.
Didn't you just do it?
Just keeping it clean.
Who is she?
I'm not gonna sit in my room
and build models for the next 40 days.
-Oh, you like her!
-It's not that.
Oh, no. Have a nice time.
(Dance music plays on recorder)
Busted.
Yeah.
I thought l should tell you
l can speak just fine.
They were all out of flowers.
Yeah, that is cute.
I'm Matt. Officially.
Officially Matt, officially Erica.
Officially.
-You normally do laundry on Friday nights?
-Yeah, it's my new thing.
MATT: New thing?
Well, there was a party.
Don't you ever feel like you keep meeting
the same people over and over?
Like people that went to this kind of college and--
-And now work that kind ofjob, right?
-Yeah.
I want to have a party with a list at the door
of all my friends, and friends of friends.
If you're on that list,
or you know somebody on that list...
...then you cannot come in.
How do you know l'm not on that list?
Nobody on that list would've talked to me
like you did last week.
Or not talked to me.
Fair enough. Fair enough.
So what do you do for laundry money?
I'm a cybernanny.
What's that?
I spend all day looking for pornography
on the web.
Say you have a ten-year-old
with an iMac and browser...
...and she searches "girlfriends"
and then gets "lesbian mud-wrestling."
-Probably not the best thing.
-But you can't avoid it.
Today l ran a search for "sandbox"
and got "Eat my box"...
..."Sandy's hot box"...
...and my favorite, "Vagina Beach."
Myjob is to find a site and block it out.
-You have to look at these sex sites all day long?
-Yeah, all day.
Drive you crazy after a while?
Some days l think if l have to look
at another blow job, l'll scream.
God, yes. Same thing happens to me.
You're going on a date with her?
Won't it get in the way of your thing?
-No, not at all.
-So you're not into her?
-Oh, l'm totally into her.
-How do you not want to fuck her?
Listen, you haven't heard a word l said.
It's perfect the way it is.
She's amazing, and we're totally connecting.
And it's not a sexual thing.
-Not for either of us.
-Dude, you got to tell her. Seriously.
You can pass off two dates without a kiss
as old-fashioned.
Go three, and you're a homo.
Just got off the phone with the guy.
There's a preliminary report for a date
on Thursday.
NEIL: What? Different girl?
CHRIS: Same girl, different date.
CHRIS: He is taking her on the bus.
On the bus where?
Nowhere. That's the point.
He just gets on the bus and goes around.
If you want to get laid,
you take a chick to a fancy restaurant.
But if you really like her,
you take her to your secret place.
That's the bus for Matt.
Mine's the post office.
I don't understand. So he's gonna get--
-Why ask me questions?
-I'll take Thursday.
I like to take girls there and say,
"Let's go postal."
ALL: Shut up!
-Are you gonna be okay with this guy?
-Yeah, he's great.
-I'll be waiting up for you.
-No, you won't.
Oh, really?
If l bring this guy home,
you better make yourself scarce.
ERICA: And l'm not joking, Sam.
SAM: Okay.
ERICA: 'Bye.
SAM: 'Bye.
(Upbeat pop music)
I knew it.
Told you.
Any other guys ever taken you on the bus?
There was a guy who got us kicked off a bus.
And another guy who tried to steal a bus.
And then the most recent guy l dated...
...went through a phase where
he actually thought he was a bus.
-Where do you find guys like that?
-I don't. I don't.
They just always find me.
They always find me.
And you? Any criminal records, addictions
or weird little secrets l should know about?
No.
Yeah. I didn't think so.
(Romantic instrumental music)
ERICA: You're pretty up-front about yourself.
I have no reason not to be honest.
Yeah, it always catches up to you if you're not.
MATT: Yeah, that's the way it is with me.
I mean, was with me,
back in my youthful, wasted...
...younger days.
This is me.
I've never had so much fun on a bus before.
Me too.
Good night.
Good night.
(Matt groans with pain)
Watch that!
MATT: l'll talk to you soon, okay?
ERICA: Okay.
Very soon, like tomorrow.
I'll give you a call.
ERICA: Great.
'Bye.
'Bye.
-Like a high-five?
-No, more like a "Gimme five."
He's got a girlfriend.
Some guys are just different about this stuff.
Gay is different to some people.
Well, l trust him. That means a lot.
Is this anything like the last guy you trusted?
Who stole half your jewelry and sold it on eBay?
-Apparently speed is a very expensive drug.
-Dude, you are so gone.
No, l love hanging out with him.
He's amazing.
I'm treated like an equal.
We're connecting on this--
-It sucks, doesn't it?
-Yeah, it does.
It totally sucks.
ERICA: Why doesn't he just want to have sex?
-So how'd it go last night, champ?
-What?
BAGEL GUY: With your date.
Did you hit that or what?
What are you talking about?
Nothing. That was weird.
No more drugs pour moi.
What the fuck is going on?
MATT: You guys put up a web page about me?
CHRIS: A web page!
Please. Be more insulting, man.
This is a complicated betting pool.
You guys can't make this public.
This is not something
that l want everyone to know about.
It's a little too late, dude.
Today's bets.
Originally, the spread favored Day 26.
I believe with all the dating
in Matt-land these days...
...l'll recommend Day 23.
CHRIS: Someone just placed another bet.
I had one come in all the way from Bangladesh.
Little haji just loves to roll the dice.
You guys have advertisers?
CHRIS: A friend of mine, he started up a
business, and l gave him a good price.
A porn site.
Oh, shit!
(Upbeat pop music)
-You know where Erica Sutton is?
-Yeah, she's--
Where?
You're that guy. The abstinence guy.
Hey, it's the abstinence guy!
(Background laughter)
What is this,
a kind of bet not to sleep with me?
-No, it isn't a bet. Let me explain.
-You don't have to explain.
I just read about it on the fucking lnternet.
I should have told you about this.
I thought you'd think l was a freak. Sorry.
I can't believe the load of bullshit
you fed to me about telling the damn truth!
I did this for myself.
I didn't think anyone else knew.
I swear to God.
If l told you,
you would've thought l was a sex addict.
-Are you?
-No!
Then what is the point?
What is the point of this whole thing?
I wanted to see what it would be like...
...without the shit that sex brings to the picture.
ERICA: So l'm like some science experiment?
MATT: No. No!
I was going through a really rough time,
and l just wanted to stop.
I wanted to stop thinking aboutsex.
Not that l was thinking about sex all the time.
I just wanted to stop.
And the thing is, it's working.
MATT: Really working.
ERICA: l'm glad it's working for one of us.
You stupid, silly, little person!
Why did you have to go and tell everyone?
If you're ashamed of what you do,
you shouldn't do it.
I'm not ashamed! l'm embarrassed!
Then quit, Matt. Just quit.
Nobody thinks you'll finish this thing.
I'm not fucking quitting.
Everything was going great until you had to....
I stopped having sex.
I'm totally falling for Erica,
and l'm finally over Nicole.
-You really think you're over her?
-Fuck, yeah! Bitch.
I ran into her and her fianc last night.
What was he like?
He parties with a friend of mine.
Apparently he works late every night.
That's what l heard.
So?
As in "working" a different girl every night.
Not that it should matter to you. I just....
-No, why would it matter to me?
-Yeah.
JERRY: My wife and l have been married
for eight years.
I love her very much.
I consider myself a lucky person.
That being said...
...this woman does notput out...
...at all.
I mean, at all.
We used to have sex everywhere.
We used to have sex in this office.
We had sex on this floor.
We had sex on this desk.
-And that chair.
-Okay, l get it.
But now l have to practically beg for it.
I mean, it was kind of hot
for the first eight months.
The chasing after her...
...surprising her with my sexy new underwear.
But now l feel a little like a....
Like l'm a pervert.
I heard about the vow, and l think it's genius.
MATT: Thanks.
JERRY: This is the perfect way for me...
...to regain the power in my relationship.
I take the vow.
I tell her l'm gonna do without for a few months.
I bet in half the time, she'll be begging for it.
Don't you think?
What do you think?
I think you don't know
what you're getting yourself into.
Hey, put that away.
Books get you in trouble around here.
-I can't work right now.
-So go home.
-I need the money.
-So work.
It all reminds me of Matt.
Even donkey lovers?
Call him, or leave. You're bugging me.
(Melancholy pop music)
-How's the chicken?
-Good.
Why is this so weird?
If l say, "Don't think of the color red,"
what would you think about?
Sex.
So we're both sitting here,
thinking about sex...
...because we can't think about sex...
...because we can't talk aboutsex,
and we certainly cannot have sex.
It's like, so what are we doing here?
You know, if l didn't have this vow thing,
l'd kiss you right now.
MATT: Thanks.
ERICA: Thanks.
(Tense instrumental music)
Are you okay?
MATT: l'm fine.
ERICA: Are you sure?
MATT: l'll be right back. I'm fine.
ERICA: Are you--
MATT: Yeah.
WAITER: Sir. Sir!
MATT: Oh, my God!
(Matt howls in pain)
I'm okay.
(Patrons laugh)
Thank you. I'm okay.
-Matt!
-I'm okay.
Hi, Nicole.
How are you?
Well, better than you at the moment.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, this is....
-This is Erica.
-Nicole.
David Brokaw, hi.
MATT: l'm Matt.
DAVID: Oh, yes.
Yes, of course.
Matt, you work at one of those dot-coms,
don't you?
Yes. Yes, l do.
David's the youngest
executive vice president at Morgan Stanley.
MATT: Yeah, l'm the youngest--
DAVID: Yeah, it's all good, Matt.
Listen, honey,
do you want to give it one more try?
-It's good to see you.
-Yeah, you too.
'Bye.
She's the real reason you took that vow.
No, she's just an ex.
The vow is something
completely separate from her.
You're a really bad liar.
I get that a lot.
I know l should have told you about her but--
Yeah, you should have,
but l guess it's hard for you to get the truth out.
Shit.
Hey, how about l quit the vow?
-Honestly, l don't care about the vow.
-Now Saint Matt wants a piece.
-No, no. That's not it at all.
-You don't want me?
No, of course l want you.
-I care about the vow and....
-You do?
Yeah, l do.
And her?
I don't know.
You know, l'll tell you what.
-You want me?
-Yeah.
Then finish your stupid vow.
And if you finish it, then maybe we can talk
about being together. Maybe.
I've given up sex, because l just...
...want to connect with people on a deeper level.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-Is it working?
-Working? Of course it's working.
It's like this incredible high.
Like, can you not feel that?
Just sitting here talking here with you....
I'm mind orgasmic right now.
Mind orgasmic.
Yeah.
(Opera aria plays in background)
(lntercourse noises from bedroom)
We need to talk.
I can't. I got to go.
-I understand what you're doing, Matt.
-You do?
Women have been doing this since, well, forever.
So we know all about the power.
See, us having the power,
that's part of the system.
And by you taking the power,
you're fucking with the system.
And l think you see why we can't let that happen.
You bet on today. This is about money.
Signed and notarized commitment
to donate all proceeds to charity.
So you want to have sex with me
to regain the power?
We're willing to do whatever is necessary
to get the job done.
Why do you keep saying "we"?
Oh, fuck.
Now, we think that this offer is more than fair.
ANDIE: Can l talk to you for a second?
MANDY: Excuse me. What?
I don't think l can do this.
-Andie, we talked about this already, okay?
-I know, but look at him.
ANDIE: He used to be kind of cute,
but now he's just twitchy.
Okay. It'll be over in like two seconds, okay?
Would you care to join us?
Oh, God. Not the tongues.
Oh, my God. I got to go.
MATT: Yesterday l was fine.
Physically speaking, l was fine.
But today, l'm not fine.
Today the coffee shop unofficially sponsored
"Hot Women Wearing No Bras" Day.
-Like hot, hot women wearing no bras?
-I mean like hot, hot women.
MATT: There were 48 breasts
at the Caf Trieste this morning.
(Sensual rock music)
I know this phase. It passes.
But why does this have to happen now?
Yesterday Erica tells me
that l have to finish the vow...
...and today l'm slammed by sex. Why?
You've gone what, 26 days?
That's very admirable.
-Yeah. Thanks.
-But you can't come to Mom and Dad's tonight.
If l don't go, they'll kill me.
-You don't want them to see you like this.
-I don't want me to see me like this.
If there's one place that l'm safe,
it's at home. Right?
ALL: ...from thy bounty,
through Christ, our Lord. Amen.
MATT: When your hip heals,
will it be like having a normal hip again?
Pretty much. I mean, l can golf and ride a bike.
He just has to be careful.
DAD: lt's amazing the things you can do now.
You know, l'm part of a pilot program
that's tracking my range of motion.
Really?
They don't want to hear about that.
No. They want to see what effect
the operation has had on my sex life.
MATT: l'm sorry.
MOM: Do we have to talk about this at dinner?
DAD: We're all adults here, aren't we?
lsn't sex a God-given, natural part of life?
-All right, don't start, Dad.
-Why not talk about it?
I think a good sexual appetite...
...is a real, normal, healthy part of being a man.
And a woman.
Who wants more beans? l do.
DAD: Bev, they're grown men.
They're old enough to know
that their mother's machine is still running hot.
-Walter, this isn't the moment.
-Oh, no. Look.
Let me show you people.
DAD: See...
...they sent me this sheet.
Whole bunch of different positions on it.
Ijust check off the ones l can do.
Like this one here.
I can do that, so l check the box.
Hey, here's an old standby.
But see, l can't do that because,
you know, my hip.
So l don't check the box.
Bev, have we ever tried this before?
Walter, how could you forget the Maui Hilton?
In the shower.
-I nearly killed myself.
-Yes.
MATT: Damn it.
Surprise inspection.
What the hell is that thing?
It's a special light that allows me
to see if any fluids have been liberated.
(Ryan whistles a lullaby)
Keep up the good work.
(Matt clears his throat)
JERRY: These are good.
Is he twisting her nipple?
That's an oversight. I'll fix that.
I know what you mean,
l've been searching for porn all week.
What am l doing wrong?
I mean, not only is my wife not begging for it,
she's not....
I've never seen her so happy.
And today. Did you see?
lt's the warmest day of the year.
Yeah, it's spring.
It's spring, goddamn it, and they're....
Look at them. They're all wearing
their little summer dresses. Just....
What am l supposed to do now, Vow Boy?
Fix this.
Damn it!
-What's up, Dun?
-Hey, what's up, dog?
-What are you doing?
-Just freshening up.
I'm tired of waiting for things to happen,
and my money's on today.
Yeah, that's great.
So what the fuck is that?
This is what the American Medical Association
refers to as Viagra.
I'm not going to let you do that, bro.
Well, you can be bought, bro.
Yeah.
Who's that? What's that?
NICK: Oh, God.
That's that new girl in tech support.
Did you know that regular ejaculation
is a preventative against prostate cancer?
NICK: So is it that you hate your penis?
Because l mean,
l personally feel like that's, you know....
God, that's one of the best relationships l have.
I mean, why do you think
they call it the little head? l'll tell you why.
Because he has ideas.
DUNCAN: Nice going, dumbass.
NICK: What?
CHRIS: Hey, Jerry.
Chow mein, new girl in tech. Very hot.
This tastes funny. Not bad, just funny.
Hey, Jerry.
(Lively instrumental music)
Excuse me.
JERRY: Do you need this?
GIRL: No. Go ahead.
-I'm so thirsty.
-Are you okay?
Captain Blue Balls.
I've been looking foryou since lunch.
I was just maintaining these.
Yeah, Matt, look at yourself.
Your life is shit.
You're hiding outin a fucking storage room.
Okay, here's how it's going to go.
You've already won.
You've already proven everyone wrong.
Now it's serious.
Now it's up to $18,000.
That's a lot of money, isn't it?
It's your vow. It should be your money.
So l'm going to splitit with you.
That's right.
And all you have to do is take the dive.
Think aboutit. $9,000.
Nine large.
Just take this.
You like her. Now we are talking.
She's something, isn'tshe?
Take her into the bathroom,
and get on with your life.
(Dramatic instrumental music)
-No, you can't do this.
-Yes, l can.
I want to talk to him.
Matt, don't do it.
(Dramatic instrumental music)
Think about the little guy, Matt.
Think about me. Don't think about mel
No, no.
Get out of here.
-Get out of here.
-Matt, this is important.
-I'm going to go in there.
-I will throw down.
Fire in the hole.
-I'm going to give you till the count of three.
-Let's rock 'n' roll.
Do you understand why l had to do that?
(Sound of tapping)
(Excited grunting and panting)
(Satisfied groan)
Jerry?
JERRY: Jerry's not here right now.
May l take a message?
What about the vow?
JERRY: l tried. I didn't.... I tried.
(Toilet flushes)
It hit me all at once.
I've jerked off three times since lunch.
I still have this fucking hard-on.
Way to go, Mr. Anderson.
Two more and you break the company record.
(General chatter)
What?
RYAN: l'm going in.
Where is Matt?
Well, l don't know.
He didn't do it.
(Cheers and groans)
(Doorbell rings)
MATT: Hi.
I know l shouldn't be here.
But l've been thinking about you a lot,
and l had to see you.
What are those, like some kind of a bribe?
More like gentle persuasion.
ERICA: Okay, is this going to get worse
before it gets better?
Probably, but l got to get this out
before l lose my train of thought.
See...
...Nicole had this...
...special status.
More like a special power,
and l couldn't match it.
-And l couldn't find anybody to replace it.
-I think l get it.
You do?
It's very easy to confuse a physical attraction...
...with a real connection.
Yeah, sometimes you just can't tell.
Well, you can tell. You can tell by the kiss.
You know, the other stuff, the sex, "ls he hot?"
lt doesn't matter.
All that matters is the kiss.
-How do you know about me?
-I don't.
ERICA: l don't even know if you can feel that.
I can feel that.
Is this against the rules?
I'll let you be the judge of that.
-I'm thinking no.
-I'm thinking no, too.
Come here.
(Romantic pop music)
(Romantic music continues)
I wasn't supposed to do that, was l?
Good night, sweetie.
No, no. Don't go to sleep yet because...
...we should talk about something.
We could talk about anything.
We could talk about stickers.
Do you like stickers?
Erica?
CHRIS: Matt, what are you doing?
The Willow and Smart people are here.
You're late for the presentation. Come on.
(lndistinct chatter)
Hi. Sorry l'm late.
Mrs. Willow.
Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Matt.
Come over here for a second.
JERRY: Care for some chamomile tea?
MRS. WILLOW: Yes.
-I think Little Matty is trying to say, "Hello!"
-Oh, Jesus.
You might want to try some tightie whities,
maybe some jeans.
-You. Go home. Now.
-Okay.
So shall we get it on? Start.
From a flower?
Like a vibrating flower?
No. No, just a flower.
And he didn't touch you once?
He didn't even try to touch you?
No, and l so wanted him to,
but what we were doing was so perfect.
Oh, yeah. Perfect. The immaculate orgasm.
You are unbelievable.
(Soft pop music plays)
(Doorbell rings)
Erica.
Coming.
-Hey, baby.
-That's sweet.
I really needed to hear that.
God. I must look awful.
Yeah.
Well, you don't look so great.
It's a long story.
What are you doing here, Nicole?
I just...
...needed to talk to someone.
-Where's David?
-I don't know.
-At the office probably.
-Working late?
We broke it off. It's over.
Or he broke it off. I don't know.
He made the commitment,
but l guess he wasn't too committed to it.
I'm sorry.
How's...
...Emily?
Her name's Erica.
Good.
You never think about me anymore?
Not even just a little?
Let me put it this way.
I have thought about you.
About us. A lot.
But tonight when you came in...
...it was the first time
that l didn't get all fucked up about it.
I think we could get you fucked up
about it again.
MATT: Maybe you should go.
I think your little friend here wants me to stay.
My little friend is not in charge anymore,
so maybe you should go.
-You're saying no to me?
-You always do this to me.
I'm the idiot because l keep coming back,
but l'm not coming back anymore.
You take everything from me.
That is so not true.
Oh, yeah?
Name me one thing that you ever gave me.
I gave you The Bridges of Madison County,
you ungrateful asshole.
I never told you this...
...but that was the biggest piece of trash
l ever tried to read.
You pig!
Matt, l'm so mad that l have to....
I have to tell you.
Watching you standing up for yourself like this
has never made me so...
...so...
...hot.
I like this.
Where have you been?
You could slam that door in my face
if you want...
...but l'll just be on the other side even hotter.
Holy hell.
Slam that door in my dirty, bad, bad face.
Oh, God, Matt. Slam it!
(Rhythmic instrumental music)
Will you just think about it, okay?
Dude was in the john with a dirty mag.
If that's me, Merj, l'm painting the ceiling.
Who does this Matt guy think he is?
I think he's jerking us around.
How do we even know this is real?
If you just go to the big window,
look at the dude's face.
You would know it's for real.
Merj, how many times have l been wrong?
Stupid, monkey-ass moron.
I should quit wasting my time.
Hey, Bagel Guy.
You know my name?
She says to me, "You look like Lionel Richie."
-That's great, isn't it?
-No, that's not great. That's not good.
NICOLE: Are you Chris?
DUNCAN: No, but l can be...
-Chris would be me.
-...if you want me.
Excuse me. I need to place a bet.
Can you deal with this?
CHRIS: Yeah, sure.
NICOLE: Good.
The thing is, it's a sucker bet,
it's going to be over in 24 hours.
Plus, Matt has this whole...
...midnight madness thing mapped out.
MIKEY: His friend is coming over
at the stroke of midnight.
You get it, the stroke of midnight.
Thanks, buddy.
So you'll take it?
Sure.
Thank you.
(Alarm clock rings)
(Upbeat pop music)
She's filled with heavenly sweetness.
I somehow don't think Mr. Butterworth
would appreciate that very much.
Excuse me? ls this taken?
No.
(Matt shrieks)
-You got to help me.
-You got to knock!
I'm seeing things. I swear to God.
Everywhere l look, l'm seeing tits and ass.
When l came in here, l swear to God,
l saw you kissing a nun.
Oh, my God! You were kissing a nun!
I'm slipping, Matt. I've already slipped.
It's your stories.
This is my fault?
No, it's mine.
It's been bubbling under the surface
for a long time now.
-I'm leaving the seminary for a little while.
-What?
It's just a sabbatical. If l come....
When l come back, it'll be for good.
So you can't help me?
You're on your own, little man.
(Matt hears electrical crackling
and women's sighs)
RYAN: Welcome to the cathedral of ill repute.
ANASTASIA: Merci, monsieur.
RYAN: Make yourself comfortable.
I almost fucked an outlet today.
-Since when do you smoke, Matt?
-Since today.
-Jesus.
-Is this him?
RYAN: Yup, that's our boy.
ANASTASIA: You started a whole new movement.
"Mega-Tantrism." Sex without orgasms ever.
Do you like to party?
Can l borrow your handcuffs?
If my hand is free,
l'm bound to do anything with it. Anything.
How much did you drink, Matt?
God's spirit made Jesus go to the desert.
He was there for 40 days while Satan tested him.
He was living with the wild animals...
...but angels took care of him.
Mark 1:12.
I look like Jesus on the cross.
Yes, you do. You do.
-So what about your late night visitor?
-Leave the front door open a little bit.
And put that key right there.
When she comes, l'll tell her l was accosted
by home invaders, and they tied me up.
Okay, champ. Anastasia and l
are going to leave now. So you should sleep.
Think about the angels.
Peace be with you.
RYAN: He is a little weird.
ERICA: l feel like it's my first time.
SAM: lt is, isn't it?
You are going to be great.
It's going to be great.
(Rhythmic drumbeat)
(Matt lets out a prolonged yell)
(Unearthly instrumental music)
ERICA: (Voiceover) Show me you can do it.
You can do it, Matt.
Show me you can do it.
ERICA: You can do it, Matt. You can....
NICOLE: Do it.
NICOLE: Oh, there we go.
Doesn't that feel better?
Relax, baby.
It's over.
Why? Why? Why would you do this?
This all started because of me.
It only seems natural that l should end it.
Here's your key. I kept meaning to return it.
Turns out the front door was open.
Were you expecting someone?
(Dramatic instrumental music)
(Alarm clock rings)
(Suspenseful instrumental music)
I was asleep.
I thought she was you.
Was it worth it?
Come on, Erica, please. Erica!
Erica!
Shit.
(Sentimental instrumental music)
I'll say it was me, and l set the whole thing up.
I'll say that l handcuffed you to the bed,
which is true.
That l sent her over here.
That she was here to see me.
-No.
-No?
Well, l'll tell her something less idiotic obviously.
No.
No more lies.
This doesn't seem like one of those
"the truth will set you free" situations.
No, it doesn't.
SAM: Guess who dropped by.
He left hours ago.
He brought you this.
Personally, l prefer the telegram.
But l did get to talk to him for a little bit.
-So, l don't want to hear about it.
-Okay.
-Now you're on his side?
-Yeah, Erica, he melted my heart.
He's a real mess about you.
It was a little pathetic.
It's not good enough.
Don't be stupid, Erica. He's crazy about you.
What else do you want?
It helps with static cling.
Where's your laundry?
I've been here everyday this week,
all my laundry is clean.
I know l screwed up with you...
...over and over and over.
It just took me a long time
to realize what l was doing.
Yes, it did.
I was trying to take a part of me
and make it go away.
And l closed my world off.
I put myself in a little box.
For a while, everything seemed clear.
But then you came along...
...and that didn't help anything.
Remember when you said that you can never tell
about someone until you kiss them?
I screwed up.
I should have just done this.
(Romantic instrumental music)
Are you done talking now?
-Son of a bitch.
-Damn it!
Pot's up to $140.
Anybody else want in on hour 39?
How do we even know that they are still in there?
They could have put the CD player
on repeat or shuffle.
-That's a good point.
-It is a good point.
They could have snuck out the back window...
...and we're sitting here, like a bunch of chimps.
You know what? Look at me.
I've been here the whole time. Believe it.
(CD music stops)
(CD music resumes)
Put me in for $10.
-He'll keep going though.
-$2.
-Hey, Matt.
-Hi, Matt.
All right, you guys. Come on, get out.
Get out of my house.
Come on. Come on, get out of my house.
-I'll grab a couple of these.
-'Bye.
-Later, stud.
-See you later.
Thanks for the fish, Matt.
Looking good by the way.
How long are you going to be in there?
DUNCAN: l'm going.
RYAN: Chris, l'll call you tomorrow.
-What are you doing?
-You, too.
-I don't have my keys.
-Good.
-This is my house, dude.
-Not for the next 24 hours it's not.
And you all should be ashamed of yourselves.
Don't have sex in my bed.
He can't last in there another 24 hours,
he'll die.
How much you want to bet?
How much do l want to bet that he'll actually die?
I'll put $10 on it.
I don't have a life.
(Upbeat rock music)