Seven days passed
before the world was completed.
It took six days
to create the bright side,
the cozy home of the humans,
in the shadow of the mighty castle.
On the seventh day,
the dark side was created:
The sinister forest.
These two worlds
are divided by a river.
Only one bridge crosses the river.
For a long time,
no one has dared to cross it.
We all know what the bright side
of the world looks like.
But only legends can tell us...
what lurks on the dark side.
nce upon a time
there was a sweet little girl...
known as Little Red Riding Hood.
One day, she came upon the river...
which separates the world of light
from the world of shadows.
On the other side she saw a flower...
more alluring than any
on this side of the forbidden bridge.
Unable to resist temptation,
she threw caution to the wind...
and quickly crossed over...
to the dark side of the world.
Beguiled by the scent
of the blue flower,
she lost track of time.
It's always time for dinner
when something interesting happens.
I was about to invite that creature.
What was that, anyway?
And what's for dinner?
He saw one.
- My God.
She breached the perimeter.
- Right in the forest.
And he saw her...
- This must never happen again.
We have to teach him a lesson.
- You know the rules...
The chair?
- The chair.
Not the chair!
Your Majesty! You look as fresh
as the morning dew. What am I saying?
Fresher! As beautiful as the sunrise.
You take my breath away.
Your delicate features are more
harmonious than a Schubert adagio.
A rhapsody in blonde.
Oh. Right.
Just wait, Your Majesty, your
skin cells are going to be like new
thanks to my
organic vegetable face mask.
In theory, anyway.
What else is new, right?
I knew a broad nce:
Skin like an old tire, airbags under
her eyes and hair like straw.
Your Majesty! The word beauty
should carry your name!
Your Majesty!
I know, Spliss.
Boys, that's enough.
Bubi, there is another world.
Beyond the bridge.
Are there more of these
creatures with no willy?
A ladle of nettle soup
with sorrel dumplings and coltsfoot?
Yes, Bubi, there are.
They're called "women."
And women are dangerous.
If you ever see one again,
run for your life.
Okay.
- You hear?
As fast as you possibly can.
- Yeah!
That one seemed so nice, though.
I'd like to play with her.
Bubi, this is not a game. - If women
are nice, it's to trick you.
Tshakko is right.
Remember what your mother did to you?
What?
- Your parents were bank robbers.
Bank robbers?
You'll never catch us!
Damn! They've hit us!
We're going down.
We need to lose some weight!
- What?
Yes!
That was fun.
- No, it wasn't.
Women are heartless and cold.
Stupid cows! Always in a shitty mood!
Bunch of know-it-alls.
You can't generalize like that.
- Sure I can:
Women are know-it-alls. Period.
I think...
everyone has a good side, even women.
Sure they do. Their back.
In any case, they break your heart.
I used to be a happy man.
I used to be a happy man.
Until THAT night...
Until THAT night...
...that changed my life.
...that changed my life.
But let's not talk about it.
Are you making fun of me?
Come on...
- No way...
My misery amuses you?
No, no.
- Not at all.
So what happened THAT night?
Who knows, he never talks about it.
In any event, we have to destroy
the bridge to the outside world.
Who knows what might show up next?
Ralfie!
Can I come in?
Look! A real pointy cap.
I made it myself. Can I join you now?
There's already seven of us.
Well then...
- Well then, piss off. - Wait!
I sort of like him.
- You sort of like Godzilla.
To the bridge, boys.
Hey, dwarves! Hey, dwarves!
Hey, dwarves, ho!
Hey, dwarves!
Hey, dwarves! Go, go, go!
Let's get this over with.
Jester! A jest!
What's this, your Majesty?
A brunette holding on to a thought.
And what do you see
when you look into a brunette's eyes?
The back of her skull.
What does one brunette say another
as she looks at herself in the mirror?
"Hey, I know that face."
The other one takes the mirror
and goes: "Sure! That's me!"
Yes!
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who's the fairest of them all?
Yes, hello there...
I'm not sure if you knew...
but you're the fairest here.
Although... I mean...
there might be...
quite possibly... someone else.
And that would be Snow White.
Snow White!
Well, she is...
I don't want to say
more beautiful...
But actually, she sort of is.
Snow White!
I mean, come on.
The girl's got it going on!
If I weren't stuck
in this damn mirror. Whoa, boy!
Spliss!
She's alive! That bitch of a brunette!
What did I tell you to do THAT night?
But Your Majesty,
I personally disposed of the child.
I put her
in the best orphanage in town.
That's not quite
what I meant by "dispose of."
BRUNETTES
Do I have to do everything myself?
Security! Go! Find her!
And you... I'll talk to you later.
I hope Gaby is pretty enough
for her fairy-tale prince.
Oh, there he is.
Hello, my prince.
Your hair is especially gorgeous
today. Give your princess a kiss.
Another one.
Oh, Ben, you savage, you.
Yes, hello there...
I'm not sure if you knew...
but we got a bit of a problem.
A teensy-weensy one.
Ah, yes.
No, you're the one with the...
teensy-weensy problem.
There's a certain lady...
I don't want to mention any names...
The Queen...
And she is... I don't want to say
annoyed with you...
but she basically...
hates your guts.
Really? Now what?
Well, what do you think?
Oh, I see. You want me to vanish.
The bridge has to go.
It's the only way into the forest.
Let's hear some constructive ideas.
I'd say...
- What's the problem, boys?
This is a piece of cake.
I'll get my nitroglycerine cocktail...
and, bang, it's gone. Like the time
we went fishing last year.
Okay, it still needs some fine tuning.
I thought it was fun.
Cloudy, stop slapping Bubi around.
That's my job.
The dollhouse
is all we found of the slut.
What?
- Slut!
Butt! Good idea. Put out the butt.
Now I want to see the hunter or else:
A black eye!
Hunter or black eye!
Black eye, not black guy!
Morning.
Hunter. Where is your bloodhound?
Say what?
- The bloodhound, woolly-faced one.
She wants Brutus.
Listen, hunter...
Snow White...
Who?
Could someone please...
turn off these stupid trumpets?
Oh. Right.
Bring me that bitch, hunter.
Snow White.
Dead.
No. Better yet: Alive!
Uh-huh. Not dead?
Oh no, beardo.
For there is a fate worse than death.
Whoa.
That's it.
I've had it, time for plan B!
KEEP OU
I've got something as well.
The excitement is killing me.
Smells weird. What's that?
- My catapult.
Boring!
Everyone who wants to cross the bridge
gets a full load.
I'll show you a catapult!
- That's so boring.
He's not laughing.
He must really be bored.
Go play in the forest.
Not too far! I'm about to make dinner.
- Go as far as you can.
This is the trigger-triggering-cord.
It triggers the trigger.
You just pull the horseshoe.
It was working fine yesterday.
Oh boy!
I can't watch this.
Give me the damn thing.
That wasn't by any chance?
Freshly harvested this morning.
I look like a pig.
True. And you're covered in muck.
First I muck everything up,
and then I have to clean it, too.
It's just not fair.
Speedy! The soap!
One day they'll thank me.
Thank you!
I knew it!
Screw this.
Stop! Hold it right there.
Don't come any closer.
- Whoa.
I am one of the infamous dwarves.
A dwarf?
I thought dwarves were smaller.
Yes. Of course.
That's it.
Smaller.
I knew I was doing something wrong.
- Moron.
Stop! Cut it out!
We're supposed to be chasing tail.
Who are you?
- Who are you?
I asked first.
Who are you? I'm a dwarf.
Another one. At least
you're smaller than the last one.
Have you seen a girl run by here?
Skin as white as the fallen snow?
- Yes.
And lips as red as blood?
- Yes.
And hair as black as ebony?
- Yes.
Nope, sure haven't.
I see.
Well then. Keep your eyes peeled.
Snow White. What kind of name is that?
We'll catch her.
Brutus can catch anything.
The other day he caught rabies.
Rabies, right on. What else can he do?
- He can fetch.
How fetching.
- I'll say.
Show the dwarf...
how well you fetch.
Watch this.
He's fetching.
Well fetched, Brutus.
That's a twelve-pointer.
That's going in my collection.
You should see it.
I've done a lot of shooting.
And I always hit something.
Wonderful trophies.
Well done. You deserve a reward.
When I say "go",
you can make a wish.
When I say "stop," it's over. Okay?
Go. Stop. Sorry.
Now I'm going to make a wish:
A doggy song!
When you hold him in your arm,
doggy's feeling nice and warm. - Stop.
When you scratch his little ear, doggy
sighs, as you can hear. - Must go!
When you poke his little nose,
doggy's hurting, and it shows. - Yes!
When you twist his little tail,
doggy's gonna cry and wail. - Wailing.
When you kick him in the butt,
then he'll squeal, the little mutt.
We all know for what this calls:
Let's cut off the doggy's...
I'm not done! After he is skinned
alive, we end our little doggy-jive.
Who left the door open?
Bubi, are you there?
Who ate my coltsfoot soup?
And who... - Who put
this pretty doll on my chair?
And who...
- What idiot hung his dirty coat here?
And who...
- Who took my bearskin?
And who's that lying in my bed?
Bubi?
A woman!
Calm down, boys.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
Think it through. Step by step.
Is there some higher power
working against us?
Is there even such a thing
as a higher power?
Does anyone have a clue
who she might be?
I know! I know!
Wanted: Snow White.
A reward!
Hello? I'm Snow White.
And who are you?
We're the seven dwarves.
Really?
I thought dwarves were smaller.
Most people do.
A common misconception.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
- What?
Here.
- My dollhouse. That's so sweet.
But now I have to...
- Now she has to...
You scared her off.
- Him and his reward!
We have to stop her! Follow me.
- Right now?
Wait! Wait! Wait!
I really have to... - I'll make you
a glass noodle pudding.
You can sleep in my bed, if you like.
I have to...
- We're nice guys, really.
Great, but I have to...
- I'll come with you.
Thank you, but that's impossible.
How courageous.
Where will you go, all by yourself?
I really have to go!
You're acting like a bunch of fools.
We're just faking. For the reward.
Excuse me? There's no toilet paper.
Could someone go get some?
We have a problem.
There's only one man who can help.
Yes.
Yeah, whaddya want?
White Helge! Wisest of the Wise!
We are the seven dwarves.
And we have a problem.
Right.
Just toss the ring into the fire.
But we don't have a ring.
We have Snow White.
Then throw Snow White into the fire.
We can't throw Snow White
into the fire.
Well. That's a problem all right.
Great, thanks a lot, White Helge...
Oh, don't mention it...
See ya.
Pompous ass.
Idiot. Schmuck.
Are you nuts?
Stop it, you filthy mutt.
Seek, seek, seek,
we're playing hide and seek!
Beat, beat, beat,
we're playing hide and beat!
Hello!
I have a new cap.
And I'm not as tall anymore.
Okay, okay.
You're already seven, right?
All right then...
Seek, seek, seek...
Excuse me?
What are you doing?
Nothing. Just playing Hide-and-Beat.
- I thought this was Dwarfcheckers.
Never heard of it.
It's a board game.
We beat one another with a board.
What if someone falls? - Then you say
"Check." - Do you know Dwarfopoly?
It's another board game. - Each player
whacks the others with a board.
Or Double or Hits?
- Let me guess:
You hit each other with a board...
- Nonsense, you underestimate us.
It's way more complex. Everyone
gets TWO boards to hit the others...
Check!
Snow White.
I need to talk to you.
We have a problem.
I can learn. The games seem
pretty easy. - No, that's not it.
You know,
being a dwarf is a serious business.
We're dwarves out of conviction.
It's a way of looking at the world. We
made a decision to live without women.
Most of us...
have been hurt by a woman.
Everyone has his story.
I, for example, lost my beloved wife.
Life had lost all meaning for me.
I'd rather not talk about it.
- You don't have to. - I've changed.
It's really none of my business.
- I've never talked about it...
Then don't.
- I lost everything.
But then a door opened,
and brought light into my darkness.
I placed an ad,
looking for like-minded folks.
"Fed up with life and women?
Join the Seven Dwarves Project."
And these seven guys replied?
Oh, no. Far more than that.
Eight.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.
Seven.
Some who didn't make it
never got over it.
Not every man can be a dwarf.
And not every dwarf
can be a fairy-tale prince.
I think you underestimate my boys.
You think so?
We still have an issue, though.
We can't live with you in one house.
We can solve this.
Check!
So you did not bring her here,
as specifically requested
by your queen?
What are you, nuts?
This is a scandal.
A mutiny! What happened to
that bitch of a brunette?
Well, she's... dead.
- Yeah?
It was him. He ate her.
He ate her? All gone?
Not a shred left.
Tore her into tiny pieces.
Oh, goody. All right, then.
- Yes.
Coltsfoot on a bed of nettle, with
blackthorn dressing. You earned this.
Really? How?
- Hot wieners!
Yes!
So you all have problems with women?
Nonsense. Says who?
I've heard that you've all been hurt.
I'm listening.
Speedy?
Tshakko?
Sunny?
Cloudy?
Yes, Bubi.
What would you like to share?
Nothing.
Mrs. Billerbeck.
- Sorry?
You remind me of my teacher.
Mrs. Billerbeck. That bitch.
She had her good sides.
- Really? Remember the stupid play?
The parts were perfect for us.
The three happy piggies
and the big, bad wolf.
Three little piggies, that's
what I am, and I'm happy as a clam.
Three little piggies is what we are,
and we're feeling wunderbar!
Woo-hoo!
I'm the wolf, I'm big, I'm bad.
I'm gonna huff and puff like mad.
With a mighty roar and thunder,
Piggy town is going under.
Oh. The horror.
Stop!
My God! Not a shred of talent!
Get out!
And so the bitch kicked us out.
Maybe you should have switched roles.
Me? The big, bad wolf?
And me... the three little pigs?
All right, here is my story:
I nce met a girl.
She was a real hottie.
And I'm thinking: "Go for it."
But the thing was...
she lived way up high.
But hey, I'm not from foolsville.
See, she had these two long braids.
So I just climbed up one of them.
Howdy.
And I was in love!
That must have hurt.
- Nah, wasn't that high.
Maybe you should have been quicker.
Quicker?
Ah...
Quicker!
Quicker. Got it.
I'll make it quick.
No lengthy introductions.
I found a magic lamp...
at a beach nce.
A lamp!
A beautiful lamp!
Well, what do we have here?
A beautiful magic lamp.
Yes, it is. My lamp.
That was the chance of a lifetime.
The magic lamp
could have solved all your problems.
What do I need a lamp for?
My problem is that I can't hit women.
You lost. You didn't say "Check."
Not fair! I didn't even...
Stop it!
Lost! Lost! Lost!
- Would you shut up?
Check.
I think I hit a woman.
I hit a woman!
Yes, hello again.
I think I know what this is about.
And YOU are the prettiest!
Although...
on a more global level...
What?
I am the fairest in all the land.
Well. "All the land"...
might be a teensy exaggeration.
Okay, if we exclude the forest...
then, fine. But...
beyond the seven hills,
we got the seven dwarves...
and they do have a certain person
in their midst...
Snow White.
You could, of course, ignore her.
But why?
Why can't brunettes
write the number 77?
They don't know which 7 comes first.
Hunter or a black eye.
The hunter!
There he is, our good hunter,
who helped us get rid of the brunette.
Rid of the brunette.
Brutus tore her to shreds.
Tiny pieces.
- Tiny pieces.
That's right, isn't it, hunter?
- Yes, ma'am.
What do you take me for?
What do you take her for?
Don't lie to me! Or at least
lie better! - Lie better!
Security!
No!
Not hilarity! Security!
Ah, security.
Starting tomorrow,
I'll be handling this myself.
What do you have in mind?
Just wait.
You'll find out soon enough.
Well, my prince. Your princess
is going to bed. Say good night.
No, I'm sleeping on top.
- No, me.
I'd like to. - No, let me!
- Guys, let me.
No, no, no, I'm the oldest.
- Yes, but I'm stronger.
And I'm weaker.
You'll break my back.
I've just about had it.
Yes, one more.
Another kiss.
Now I really have to go beddy-bye.
It's my 18th birthday tomorrow.
Do you think I'll find my prince?
You'll find him. No problem.
He's much closer than you think.
He's the one who sleeps on top.
Me! - Me!
- Me! - Hey!
I know something. If you want me to
tell, you have to let me sleep on top.
We'll have to know if it's worth it.
If I have the top bed, I'll tell you:
It's Snow White's birthday tomorrow.
All right, you lousy blackmailer.
You got something there. Give.
Snow White's 18th birthday
is tomorrow.
Well, ain't that something?
- Let's throw a party.
A surprise party.
With fireworks.
- And plenty to eat.
Count me out.
Maybe Snow White'll cook for you.
She can't cook
at her own surprise party.
I don't care.
I banned wieners for a reason.
Cooky!
Your haute cuisine
made our palates susceptible...
to more basic pleasures,
such as wieners.
So you enjoyed my cooking?
No, but who else is dumb enough
to cook for us?
Wait a minute.
Isn't tomorrow the anniversary of...
Don't say it.
What?
- "THAT night".
That's odd.
Her 18th birthday...
and his 18th anniversary...
What an odd coincidence.
Small world.
We're having a fancy dress. I'll wear
nothing except black gloves and shoes.
I'll be... - What's all this?
- The five of spades.
Ah, five of spades.
A party on the anniversary
of my misery!
nce upon a time...
happiness was mine.
Why did it ever leave my side?
I lost everything that night.
nce upon a time...
I was hers...
and she was mine.
Now I sit at home, bitter and alone.
Is there any happiness in sight?
The kind I nce knew
before that night?
Your Majesty looks enchanting.
Ravishing. And this lovely outfit!
Nonsense,
I look just as horrid as you.
Come on, we're going into the forest.
- The forest?
Put on this hat.
- Hat?
And wear this beard.
- Beard?
Don't forget the Tupperware container.
- Tupperware container.
Tupperware container?
What do you see when you look
into the Queen's eyes?
The back of her skull.
Great joke, eh? The best jest ever!
Ready for another one?
This one's even better.
What do you call it
when the Queen is wearing ear plugs?
Filling the void!
And what makes her laugh
in the morning?
Last night's joke.
- Hold it.
I tell the jokes around here.
- Not anymore. Your queen has risen.
And what rhymes with "risen"?
No idea.
Prison!
At least you can smoke there.
Yeah, sure, okay.
Do I have to do everything myself?
Where is the Tupperware container?
Tupperware container.
Good morning.
Wipe your feet.
Where is everyone?
I can't say.
- And why?
Because I don't want to.
Fine.
I wanted to talk to you in private.
Would you share
some of your recipes with me?
Is this a joke?
- No, why?
I like them. Are they your Mom's?
No. My Mom had different recipes.
I remember making
wheatgrass mousse with buckthorn brew
and sun-dried sunflower seeds for her.
To which she said:
Get that slop away from me.
That's how it was.
No one likes my food.
- Conceptually, it's not bad.
Your cuisine just lacks
a certain touch at times.
A touch of wiener, for example.
What's that supposed to be?
Wait a minute.
Wieners in yarrow crust.
Wieners with herbs and leeks.
Wieners with burnet and parsnip roots.
Sounds delicious.
- Wieners don't have to be boring.
No.
- Wieners can be exciting.
Right.
I have to try this at your...
I mean, at some point.
Excuse me.
You can do so much with a tomato.
Such as?
I knew it.
- You're having a party without me?
So you are cooking after all?
Of course.
I thought of something special.
Plantain rolls with herb dumplings.
Plantain rolls?
With wild mushrooms.
I'll get them!
- What do you know about mushrooms?
Nothing. - You can't be too careful.
Go with him.
And take the "Big Book of Mushrooms"!
What goes with mushrooms?
How about...
- Venison ragout!
No, we're having...
Wieners!
A classic gem:
The "blue-and-yellow copulator."
You can recognize it
by its blue tip and yellow stem.
It used to be a popular aphrodisiac,
though the arousing effect
is short-lived.
The "fiery throat fungus"
is considered especially delicious.
But only for wild animals.
In humans, it causes...
an unbearable irritation
in the throat.
Ingesting fluids...
enhances the effect.
The burning can be stopped
by ingesting a "common'shroom."
Which can, however,
lead to visions and hallucinations.
Your Majesty, this is illegal.
Of course kidnapping is illegal.
And the beard has got to go.
A horseshoe.
A good luck charm.
My God, you smell like a pig.
And you're covered in muck.
Don't tell Brummboss, don't tell Snow
White, we're having a party tonight!
Wieners, kraut and beer galore...
Till you can peel us off the floor!
You're throwing a party?
On the anniversary of THAT night?
No. Where did you get that idea?
This isn't a party.
Where do you want the fireworks?
Okay, maybe it's a tiny little party.
Snow White is turning 18 today.
I knew it.
I knew it the moment I saw her.
When your caps stood up and
mine didn't. You know what that means?
Doesn't mean anything.
That's normal for men your age.
What are you standing around for?
We have a party to prepare!
Bring on the Chianti and Frascati,
we're gonna have ourselves a party!
Come on, come on.
What? Two addresses?
Two doors?
- I can see that. - I beg your pardon.
How do I look?
Unrecognizable, my quee...
From now on I'm Mr. King!
- Mr. King, of course.
Ring!
- Ring, ring, Mr. King.
One moment.
Yes?
Good day to you!
My, what lovely hair.
Wouldn't you say?
Hello, Mr. King.
And your skin! Like a fresh peach,
merrily making its way
through the thicket and...
growing towards the rays of the sun.
And those glamorous, glossy...
shiny lips.
Don't exaggerate. Beauty is fleeting.
That's true. Ugliness is forever.
My dear! I'm sure you want...
to hold on to yours
as long as possible.
That's why we're here. How old am I?
I don't know. Early forties?
Right! And how old do I look?
Late forties.
Wrong. Early thirties.
And what do I owe that to?
The Forever Young Fresh Box!
Quells wrinkles and graying hair...
before they wrinkle and gray!
The Forever Young Fresh Box!
I've been sleeping in it every night...
since my 18th birthday.
And this is the result.
I'm turning 18 today!
Congratulations!
That means you are eligible for
our happy birthday discount!
If you wish to try it...
- No, thanks.
Put a lid on it! And off with her!
Fresh-boxed!
Hello?
She's coming, she's not coming...
If she doesn't come soon,
I'll have to throw the food out.
Who does she think she is!
Shit! Why are chicks always late?
You're not supposed to say
the bad word! - "Shit"? - No, "late".
Does she know we're having a party?
Of course not, it's a surprise.
Let's celebrate at home.
Follow me, boys.
How long is this going to take?
And what's with the shaking?
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday,
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to you!
Surprise! Surprise!
The towel...
Still wet...
Very suspicious.
Where is she?
This is impossible.
I got it! I got it!
She's not here.
But where is she?
I'm asking you.
- Why me?
You hated her. She's the better cook.
- Who hit her with a board?
Not me.
I see. I won't be saying "Check."
My, I hope
nothing bad happened to her.
She probably got sick
of your claptrap.
That's enough! Boys!
We have a new problem.
She's been kidnapped.
Do you know what that means?
Nope.
Emergency meeting!
We're going to rescue her.
- Yes!
If it's the last thing we do.
- Yes!
The enemy is not completely harmless.
I know her well.
And you're about to meet her.
But we will fight.
But we don't know how.
- So you'll learn!
Yes, sir!
Attention!
What is the basic virtue
of a fighter dwarf?
Strict discipline!
Why?
Because your commander says so!
On my command: To the right!
To the left!
First!
I had a feeling it was coming.
At ease!
How does that work?
"Standing still" is out.
"Movement" is in.
Miniwiches, anyone?
Not now!
A song, two, three, four.
Sunny day, wishing the clouds away.
Hold it! What's with the whining,
you crybabies?
You're like a bunch of girls.
A real song, for real guys!
Two, three, four...
"We're tiny. We're toony.
We're driving...
...the Queen looney!"
"If you're happy and you know it:
- Clap your hands.
We're the new kids on the block!
And Tshakko has the smallest..."
Dismissed! I've just about had it.
Who's there? I see someone.
Spliss, why aren't you dancing?
First I'd have to get rid of her...
- Get rid? Of me? Are you nuts?
No, not Her Majesty. Her.
In the box.
- Hello?
What are we going to do with her?
- No imagination, eh?
I think it's time for a makeover.
And mount!
Follow me, boys.
Spliss!
I'm not coming out
without my old crown.
Just have a look at the new one.
- No!
Come on.
All right, fine.
It looks cheap.
But it didn't cost much.
- Oh. Okay.
I have to go.
- He has to go. - He has to go.
He has to go. - He has to go.
- He has to go. - Later.
Later. - Later. - Later. - Later.
Too late.
Get in!
Hey there, got a light?
Thanks.
The Queen's stronghold.
Real strong. We'll need a locksmith.
We'll have to proceed on foot.
We have to split up. Don't ask why.
- Why?
I'll tell you:
I was not born a dwarf.
- What?
But I became one on THAT night,
when my life took a fateful turn.
It should have been
the happiest night of my life.
My beloved wife and I were expecting...
our first child that very night.
Many hours passed.
Then the door opened,
and I was to learn the awful truth.
My wife?
Is she?
And my child?
Is it?
What was that?
- That was me.
Then I don't want to be king anymore.
I'd already knitted this cap.
For my child...
The King is leaving!
The King is abdicating!
Who's going to?
Not the child?
What child? Dispose of it!
Whoever has the crown...
is king!
Long live the Queen!
That means, you are?
So you're not really?
And Snow White is your?
So you're not coming back with us?
Can I have your stuff?
Enough of the maudlin antics.
Go storm the castle.
I'll try and find my daughter.
You have a daughter?
How are we going to get
into the castle? - No problem.
I carry a ram for moments like this.
All right, men!
Let's storm the castle.
We're taking back Snow White.
We'll never give up.
- No, we won't!
Not even under torture.
- No?
Or if they kill us.
They can tear out our fingernails.
- What?
Or pull out our teeth.
They can even crimp our hair.
We shall never surrender.
Onwards, men!
Stop, stop, stop.
- What now?
Nothing.
- Fascinating. Let's go.
Maybe we should sleep on it?
Besides, on an empty stomach...
I could whip up some wieners.
- Silence in the ranks. Let's attack!
Who's knocking?
What do you want?
To get in?
As the doorman,
I hold a clear and simple vision:
No one gets in.
I told you. Violence is no solution.
Yo, asshole.
Who are you, anyway?
We're the seven dwarves.
Seven dwarves?
There's only six of you.
Impossible.
One, two, three, four, five.
Oh, I get it. You're here to apply.
JESTER CASTING
Yes, yes, yes.
I thought dwarves were smaller.
Most people think that.
- A common misconception.
Shit, man, prejudice!
I know what that's like.
Yep!
Seven dwarves, but only six. Yes, yes.
Seven dwarves, but only six! I get it!
Hear that? These guys rule!
You da' bomb!
You should get your own show.
I look into the woods...
I see good dwarves, bad dwarves...
A smile that's kind and good...
old or young...
you love good dwarves, bad dwarves...
because they bring you fun.
Open the gate!
I just can't tell jokes.
Especially jokes like that.
Doctor jokes. Who came up with that?
You certainly look like it.
Who was that guy?
Every idiot thinks
they can be a jester. What next?
The joke.
- What? - Joke!
Oh. Right. I know that one.
A woman goes to the doctor.
And she says,
"It hurts to press here. And here.
And pressing here also hurts."
So the doctor goes,
"You have a broken finger."
Who thought of that stupid joke?
He forgot the punch line.
The woman is a brunette.
Brunette. Brilliant.
The joke is mine, obviously.
Spliss, you are a born entertainer.
You have such beautiful tips.
Mind if I touch them?
All right, fine. But make it quick.
Snow White's are much nicer, though.
Out!
Do you think you'll make the cut?
- No.
Next!
- Right!
Let's go.
To the doctor. Funny!
Enough of this nonsense.
Er... Right.
Woman! Doctor! Ow!
Or this...
Too loud.
Louder?
A brunette with a broken finger
goes to the doctor...
That was the punch line.
What are you doing?
I've never broken anything.
Because I'm careful.
Did you know that most
accidents occur at home...
Some bitch goes to the doctor...
Do you have to be so negative?
You don't even know her...
- So? I know chicks.
Anyway, a woman goes to the doctor...
Doctors are crooks!
- The doctor asks what the problem is.
Her money! She won't have any left!
- And she says...
HMOs treat you like cattle.
And the services are all lousy.
That's the problem with our society.
- We need more justice. Equality...
And fraternity.
- Right. This whole mess...
makes you wanna go: Fu...
...crying out loud!
Hello.
A jest.
There was this woman.
And this woman,
she went to the doctor.
What do you want? - I want
to restore liberty to the land.
What?
I'll seize power, depose...
the evil queen
and liberate Snow White.
Not bad, eh?
I like that. "Liberate Snow White."
And the woman says to the doctor,
the one that she'd gone to:
"Doctor", she says,
"If I press here...
it hurts."
Don't be afraid, my child.
I'm here to accompany you
on this difficult journey.
I bring you a sign,
a sign that there's life...
after crimping.
Father!
Holy father.
So, doctor...
if I press here...
then...
My God, why is this so difficult?
It's a perfectly simple joke:
A brunette comes to the doctor and
says: "When I press here, it hurts.
When I press here, it hurts,
and when I press here, it also hurts."
Says the doctor:
"You have a broken finger."
Wonderful! Spliss, you are fabulous!
I have a fantastic idea...
Why can't I keep my mouth shut?
Look at that! Cheap!
I can't rule like this.
Come on.
Go on.
Yummy! Breakfast!
Speaking of...
Yesterday, at home.
The egg was too soft.
I let my wife have it! I was like:
"Bitch! If that happens one more time...
I'll throw it right in your face."
You said that to her?
Well... not in those words.
What I said was:
"The egg is great, darling.
But another minute
would've been nice." To her face!
That's crazy.
Right on.
Shit. A bloodhound.
I know that dog.
Don't worry,
he's harmless. He likes me.
We've come to the following verdict:
For the crime...
of deliberate and delicious beauty...
and attempted...
escape from the kingdom,
the accused, Snow White,
will receive the highest penalty.
The chair.
And that means:
Crimped for life.
Boss?
- What's that?
That saw?
Saw? Of course.
It's time
we saw a blessing around here.
It is indeed a blessing...
that I might have the last word,
for I am...
Not again.
A woman goes to the doctor...
Where was I?
- "That I might have the last word,
for I am..." Right.
That I might have the last word,
for I am...
Brummboss! My crown!
Yes. I have the crown.
I am your nce and future king.
That is the law.
Promise you'll never leave me again.
I promise.
Spliss!
Do something.
Yes, your Majesty.
Security!
My men!
One word!
Just one stupid word!
Hey, dwarves, hey, dwarves, ho!
Thank you, boys.
I am proud of you. All of you.
A princely reward awaits you.
Take off your caps.
I will now drop this feather.
Whosoever it lands on shall receive...
my daughter's hand in marriage.
Excuse me?
You always wanted a fairy-tale prince.
Now your dream will come true.
Let fate decide.
Out of my way!
- Move over!
Each and every one of them
is a prince.
Well, the thing is...
- And they have all proven themselves.
They are ready for...
the greatest challenge of all:
Marriage.
But I've already found my prince.
Come again?
A man with a great sense of humor
and great hair.
He even quit smoking for me.
He was there for me when I needed him.
Wazzup, Daddy!
You ought to be proud of her.
She's got great taste in men.
And she's got a sense of humor.
Got one for you: How do you
entertain a bru... a blonde for hours?
Take a piece of paper
and write "turn over" on both sides.
That's fate... Boys?
Hey, dwarves, hey, dwarves,
hey, dwarves, ho!
Go! Go! Go!
Yes!
Well, we all learned something.
- Yeah, like what?
That broads are cold and brutal.
- Yes, they are!
They use you and throw you away.
- Yes, they do!
That'll never happen again.
- No, it won't!
We're done with chicks.
- Yes, we are!
Excuse me?
I was on my way to my grandma's...
to bring her some cake and wine.
And then I saw your house...
and I thought,
maybe I could rest for a bit...
I had a dream about you!
Who are you, anyway?
We're the seven dwarves.
I thought dwarves were smaller.
Most people think that.
- A common misconception.
Why don't you come in?
And so the story came to a funny end.
THAT night.
Untertitel
Emanuel Bergmann...
Film und Video Untertitelung
Gerhard Lehmann AG