1
Die, scumbags
You know, you're late, Tommy
Rico, relax
Okay, then, okay,
you're the boss, come on
That's Hugo Porto's mob, huh?
He tried to move in on Big
Sep's territory down in Atlantic City
Killed Victor Viking's
mom in the process
Wow, what a bunch of scumbags, huh?
Whatever, and there's proof for Big
Sep, you got a ticket on the red-eye
The heads are nice and
clean and ready to go, okay?
Okay
Tommy, Big Sep's hot
I'm two weeks
late delivering the meat
If he doesn't get that by noon
tomorrow, more heads are gonna roll
- You know what I mean?
- No problem
Do you love me?
- Where you headed? San Diego?
- Mexico
- You have a good flight
- Thanks a lot
Do you love me? Do you love me?
Do you love me? Do you love me?
How you doing?
Thank you, thanks
Step over here please
Gun! She's got a gun!
I don't even own a gun!
- Hey, kid, is this yours?
- Yeah
Do me a favor, will you?
Put that right under the seat
And see maybe if you
can keep that right near you
I got some
important stuff in this bag
I'd like to keep it close by
me, you know what I mean?
Thanks, that's really nice of you
- Good kid, thank you
- Okay
Atta boy, fits right under there
No, it doesn't fit right under there
Maybe you can get a spot in
another bin, thanks, I appreciate that
It's nice of you
Excuse me
Careful, careful
I almost didn't make it
Well, I'm sure that
someone is glad you did
Let's see, 49C, right down this way
Thanks
- Excuse me, sir, is this yours?
- Yeah
I'm sorry, we'll need
to use this compartment
Would you mind using another one?
Because I have
valuable family heirlooms in there
Sir, as you can plainly see,
this is an emergency situation
Well, maybe you can
use somebody else's bin
I mean, this kid's not using all of his
Would you mind if
they used some of yours?
Hey, excuse me, but screw you
Hey, hey, come on,
be nice, be a gentleman, will you?
We're trying to help over here,
here, let me help you
This goes right
over here, it's small
That's okay, thanks, don't... don't?
Wait! Wait! Don't kick it!
For God's sake,
those are live human organs!
Trust me, pal, they don't feel it
Would you sit down please?
Sir, I'm really sorry about that
- Sir, we're gonna have to use your bin
- Excuse me? But?
And actually, sir, I think
your bag is over the size limit
Well, no, because see, the guy outside
measured this and he said that it was okay
Sir, it's clearly over the size
limit, it will have to go in cargo
Listen, wait a minute, wait a minute?
Hold on, hold on a second, listen
Maybe we could just leave
my bag where it is, all right?
Are you trying to bribe me, sir?
No. I'm trying to purchase
a place for my bag, which I already...
The place for your bag is in cargo, sir
Excuse me, maybe
I'll just take another flight
Fine, the next flight to
San Diego leaves in seven hours, sir
All right, let me make a phone call
Sir, do you actually think that we're gonna
hold the plane while you use the phone
Now, are you flying with us tonight or not?
- All right, Miss Burke?
- Yes
- That's your name, right?
- Yes
This bag better be in San Diego,
you'll be in a lot of trouble if it's not
Yes, sir, it will be the very first off the plane
Does that make you happy?
- When it's there, then I'll be happy
- Okay
Have a seat, sir, thank you
Happy? Yeah, I'm happy, I'm thrilled
Happy
What are you looking at?
You started all this with those friggin' organs
You're happy, right?
Happy, who's happy?
Look, I think we got off
on the wrong foot, I'm Charlie
So, where you headed?
I'm gonna meet my girlfriend's parents
She races these cars
She's great, she's great!
I wish her parents thought the same of me,
I'm on my way to meet them for the first time
I haven't seen her in like six months, and...
Yeah, well, I'm gonna go to sleep
Think about what
you're gonna say to them, okay?
Yeah, I don't know, because
I mean I haven't even met them
Already the father,
he doesn't like me, I know
I could understand that,
I just met you and I don't like you either
I got to sleep, didn't
you hear me? Come on
I'm just trying to make conversation, but...
Good, make it in sign language
Laurie?
- Something wrong?
- No
- You look great
- Thanks
- What is the matter?
- Nothing, let's talk about it later
Okay
Oh, no. No, Jesus, please, no!
Charlie Pritchett! Shit!
What do you have in there?
It looks like you packed for a month
You know me, ready for anything
- Oh, boy, look at this loser
- Honey! Be nice now, come on
Charlie, these are my parents,
Annette and Dick
- Annette
- Charlie, it's a real pleasure
Dick, very nice to meet you, this is for you
Oh, these wrappings
are beautiful, thank you
Oh, my God! Dick, I left yours on the plane...
No, no, no, why don't you call the airlines?
We got a long ride,
we've got to make tracks
Sorry
Woodgy, why don't
you ride shotgun with your dad?
Wudji? Wudji like me to drive?
I think I can handle it
No... no... Jesus
House of pain
- Yeah, hello, who's this?
- This is Qaddafi, who's this?
Qaddafi, huh? Listen, this is Bill,
I'm an old friend of Charlie Pritchett's
I was wondering
if you could help me find him
Yeah, he's gone on spring
break with the rest of America
- Did you try looking in Mexico?
- That's very funny
Look, this is really important
You think you could be
a little more specific, Qaddafi?
Not unless it's for a grade
Hey, Bill, is it? Tell me if
this sounds like a phone hanging up
Yeah! Shit! Shit!
I need a flight to Bethesda University
I'm not sure the University
has their own airport
But we can fly you to Baltimore, will that do?
Hey, don't get cute with me, asshole, huh?
Wake up, people, we're here!
Made it in record time
- I'm famished
- Oh, me too
Boy, could I use a Margarita, what time is it?
Thirteen fifty hours
Bear, remember what
we agreed about your drinking?
You be a good bear,
take one of your new pills
They make me woozy, Wooly
Besides, I said I could use a drink,
I didn't say I'm having one
Listen, there is absolutely
nothing in this whole world
That could ever, ever make
me take a drink again
So, relax, okay?
- Bienvenidos! Welcome back, senior
- Hola, Juan
Hope you catch some big ones this time
Gracias, gracias
- Manny, I ran into a little delay here
- What do you mean, a delay?
Excuse me, are you going to be long?
- A day, maybe two
- On the phone?
What? What the hell's happened, Tommy?
Manny, I can't go into it
right now but it's going to be okay
All right? I mean, can't you talk to Big Sep?
Big Sep is riding me like a
race horse, I told you if it was late...
Listen, the job is finished,
so what's the big deal with the delivery?
Tommy, you didn't lose nothing, did you?
Manny, you know how many
years I did this for your father?
How could you even ask
me something like that?
Mister?
Hey, lady, you interrupt me one
more time, you're gonna swallow this phone
Now get out of here
Go ahead, take it on the heels
One day, you got one day, Tommy
If big Sep doesn't get those
heads in his hands by noon tomorrow
You might as well chop off your own
head and put it in with the others, capish?
Don't worry about it, all right?
He'll have them before they start stinking
- Please or you'll be stinking
- Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean
- About time
- Yeah, I know
Here, it's all yours
We've done a lot of redecorating
since you've been here, senor
It's quite lovely, we hope you enjoy it
- It's beautiful
- Senor Pritchett... your room
Thank you
The mini-bar, el bano, the bathroom
If you need anything, please call me
Everybody unpack later
They're only serving lunch
downstairs for ten more minutes
- Yes sir, no problem
- Good
Pepe, venga! Pepe, venga!
- Come on, Bear
- I'm coming, Wooly
It's 206, room 206
Okay, Laurie, what's going on?
Not now, let' just talk about it later, okay?
No, let's talk about it now
Look, Charlie,
I don't know quite how to put this
But... I think I want a divorce
What? A divorce? We're not
even married, we're not even engaged
You know what I mean
That's why you invited me here?
To tell me this?
I thought you invited me to meet your parents
I didn't really actually invite you
Excuse me, but you
invited me to your parents' house
And then you called and said
we were coming to Mexico instead
When I said we were going to Mexico,
I didn't actually mean you
What?!
It was just supposed to be me
and my parents for my dad's birthday
And you got so excited;
I didn't know how to break it to you
Laurie, what's happened to you?
Six months at home and you've mutated
From a fun-loving free spirit
into... Nancy Reagan
Look, I just want stability in my life, Charlie
I need to be with someone
who really knows who they are
And knows what they want in life
You know what this is all about? Your folks
They don't like me, and it's
affecting the way that you feel about me
But just wait, Laurie
My being here will turn
out to be a blessing in disguise
I'm not giving up on you, Laurie
- Is my hair all right?
- I am open-minded
It's just that he's such a dip!
Do you think he's a dip?
I think he's really cute
And he seems funny, and he seems smart
I mean, what do you want for Laurie?
I want what I was when I was his age
- I was charismatic, ambitious...
- That's right
- I was clearly headed to the top
- Clearly, darling
The very, very top
I mean, we can be honest with
each other when we're alone, can't we?
Oh, I think that's a good idea, Wooly
I've always wanted to be...
Oh, I forgot something,
will you go down and get us a table?
- What's the problem?
- No problem, no problem
I just forgot something and
I'll be there in just a second
Okay? I'm running
Senorita, no, no, it's for decoration,
not for sale, sorry
I better go check on Bear
- Ah, Mrs. Bennett
- There you are, Bear
We ordered you an enchilada
- Bear, are you all right?
- Mrs. Bennett?
Jesus! Ma, are you okay?
- Would you, would you like to... to sit?
- Mom, what are you doing?
Good God, Bear, don't tell
me you've been drinking again
Now, remember what the
doctor said, take nice deep breaths
- I have some pills if you're not feeling well
- Yeah, why don't you take some?
It's, it's, it's... all right, folks
She's just a little hungry, she's
hungry and her blood sugar's dropped
Are you hungry, Bear?
- Mom, for God's sake?
- Would you like an enchilada?
It's all right, folks! No harm done
They're just happy to see each other
You little son of a bitch, I should have known
Wake up, Qaddafi,
we're gonna play College Bowl
For ten points of your life...
Hey Stevie, you got any notes
from last night? I don't need them
Hey!
No, no, I've got it, thank you very much
Seniorita, your mother is going to be fine
Take this please
Senor, I gave her a sedative,
it's muy, muy strong
- Let her rest, huh?
- Thank you, doctor
We've only been back here
an hour and already she's on the booze
Would you go easy on her, dad?
She's obviously under a lot of stress
Okay
When she wakes up, we
won't mention a thing, okay, Laurie?
Why don't you watch her, while Charlie
and I go rent a boat for tomorrow?
- Okay, Charlie?
- Yeah, great
Is my hair okay?
Uh, do, do you mind if
I change my shirt before we go?
No, I'll use the phone in
your room so I don't disturb her
All right, we're gonna play
a game called Be Honest With Me?
Now, the rules are very simple
I ask you a question and you
have to be honest with me, okay?
Now, where did
Charlie Pritchett go on vacation?
Second rule, you have to answer, Qaddafi
- Why does he keep calling you Qaddafi?
- I don't know
Now, look, I don't want to have
to put you kids through hell
So let me tell you
what's going to happen here
First, I'm gonna hurt you,
then you're gonna try to be brave
Then I'm gonna hurt you again,
and you're gonna tell me everything
That's not being honest, that's not honest
That's not honest!
Now, look, this is not gonna get
any easier, it's only gonna get harder
So, I don't know why you're protecting
this kid, because I'm gonna find him
There we go, atta boy
I swear to God, we don't know where he is
all he said was Mexico and he's...
Come on!
We're not trying to protect him!
I'm not going to repeat myself!
Mom, if you want to come down,
you're certainly welcome
It's just that the weather is terrible
Well, it's rained since we got here,
mom, there are storms everywhere
I mean more storms are on the way
Mom, I'm just thinking about you
Mom, l... we..., of course we'd
love to have your company, mom
Well, I know you're young enough
to travel, it has nothing to do with that
Mom... mom, please, please,
mom, please don't dredge that up
What's the matter? Are you okay?
L, uh, uh, ants, ants everywhere
Ants' I don't see any ants,
what are you talking about?
Mom, there are ants
down here, ants everywhere
Mom, please don't dredge that up
Because it's got nothing to do with her
What is it? What is it?
- I have a cramp in my leg
- A cramp?
Ay, ah!
Well, pull yourself together, stop screaming
I'm, I'm sorry, I'm...
No, mom, I'm not arguing with my wife,
I'm arguing with you
I mean, mom, mom, please,
I'll have to call you back
Mom, I'll call you back, I'll call you right back
Can you keep it down?
Now, why don't I meet you downstairs
in the lobby in say, five minutes?
- Five minutes?
- All right?
Five minutos!
And don't send this laundry out,
it's gonna cost me an arm and a leg!
Yeah!
Oh, yeah! Obviously, this is, this isn't real
It's a, it's, it's a fake, it's a fake
God! God!
Senor! Senor!
- Are you okay?
- I am fine
I just, I ate a hot pepper
- Oh, ah, hot pepper
- Venga, Pepe
No, no, no
Charlie, are you okay?
I'm fine, I just ate a killer pepper
A chili pepper, I'm fine
There's some water in the mini-bar, senor
No, no, no
I like the sensation
I' yee haw! Yee haw!
Enchilada!
Okay, well you call me
if you need anything, eh?
- Will do, thank you, Paco
- Pepe, venga!
Pepe, come on! Pepe!
- God!
- Charlie, what's going on?
The police, this has
got to be a setup! Oh, God!
There's got to be a camera or something
We're in Mexico, why would
there be a camera in Mexico?
Mexican Candid Camera, still on the air!
Charlie! You're acting insane!
- I'm okay
- Would you get it together?
- Okay?
- I'm okay
What the hell is going on?
Look, Laurie, you gotta
promise you won't freak, okay?
Okay
I found something in my duffel bag
Something, oh... I mean, look, it's a...
- What?
- Forget it, it's nothing, it's nothing
- Charlie Pritchett, you're such a sneak
- No!
You got me a present,
I didn't know you got me one
No! No! It's not a present Laurie!
Laurie, don't open it, it's a head
Laurie
Laurie!
Are you okay? Honey, are you all right?
Yeah
- Senora, are you all right?
- She's fine, everything's fine
She had a pepper too,
she loves them, actually, she'll be fine
Are you sure, senorita?
Pepe, Pepe, venga
Pepe, venga!
Pepe!
Pepe, andale! Vamos
Pepe!
You call me if you need anything, eh?
Will do, thank you, Paco, bye-bye
All right
Laurie, are you okay?
Can you stop screaming?
Good God, Charlie, what are
you doing with a head in your bag?
I don't know, you think I know?
Yes, I think you'd know
If I had a head in my bag, I think I'd know
Laurie, Laurie, don't get
upset but there's more than one
What? Charlie, there's two?
- No
- Three? Four? How many?
Eight?
It's those gringos, son locos
Laurie, you're not in the hall,
you're in the closet
Don't you think I realize that?
- Laurie
- I'm not coming out
- Laurie!
- I'm not!
- You have to come out!
- No!
The bodies are in there
I was... I was kidding, I was kidding
Kidding? You're kidding at a time like this?
Well, I had to calm you down
For God's sake, Laurie,
try to stay calm, okay?
Calm? You expect me to remain calm
When you have eight human
heads in your luggage?
Laurie, there may be two people
in China who didn't hear you
- Then what the hell is going on?
- I wish I knew
Could it be Steve or Ernie playing
some sort of sick, hideous, medical prank?
I don't think so,
the thought of blood bothers Steve
And this isn't Ernie's style
They're my best friends, but
come on, they're dull guys with dull lives
You psycho! You psycho!
We don't know anything!
I don't know shit!
You're right
Besides, the only heads we
have access to are cadavers
- And these heads are fresh
- Charlie!
I'm sorry, but it's true,
check it out for yourself
No!
- Let's call the police
- No! No! No!
- Why?
- Because we're in Mexico, Laurie
A third world country. You don't just
call the police in a third world country
And tell them you found
eight human heads in your luggage
- Why not?
- Because they have no laws here!
- They'll turn me into a taco!
- All right, what do you suggest then?
We have to think this thing through rationally
- Okay?
- Oh, my God, Charlie
- What if they have your bag?
- What?
Your bag! What if the person
who owns this bag has your bag?
They're going to come looking for you
Laurie, I just took
a mental inventory of my bag
There's no... there's nothing in that
bag that could possibly lead them here
His family lives in Clarion, Vermont!
They're in the furniture business
Laurie is from Denver! Last name, Bennett
B-e-n-n-e-t-t!
On vacation in Mexico
Okay, that's reassuring
What do we do?
Simple! All we have
to do is throw them away
They lock the garbage
Senor Pritchett?
- Ah, Paco
- Can I help you?
No, no, I was just putting the,
the, the trash in the garbage
Putting the garbage in the trash, you know?
- I'll take it for you
- No, no, I got it
- What is it?
- It's? It's none of your business
No, Senor, I meant what kind
of garbage is it? Aluminum? Plastic?
We recycle here
It's, it's really not recyclable,
it's, it's perishable
- Oh, well, perishables we compost
- It's really not compostable
Sure it is!
Everything perishable is compostable
Jesus Christ!
I mean, come on!
I'm sorry, senor!
Go ahead and put it in
- Thank you
- I'll take care of it later
Actually, you know what? It's fine
I'll just take it back
It's really not that bad. I just need
some oil and formaldehyde and vinegar
And it'll be just as good as...
- Are you sure, senor?
- Yes, thank you, Paco
Mom, why are you bringing
my inheritance into this?
Excuse me!
You still haven't changed?
What are you doing?
- Well, l...
- No, not you, mom
I found a roa... roa... a rat in my room
And it had a ball of...
I don't wanna be rude, but are you coming?
Or am I going to spend the entire
day waiting in the lobby for you?
I am so sorry, I'll be right down
What am I going to do? Flush them?
Nothing fits around here
No, no, no, por favor, no clean
No clean, room clean, no clean
- No clean
- No clean, gracias
No, I mean, I'm, I'm
asking you to come, mom
But there's really no need for you to come
Mom, it's two hundred degrees here
You go in here! Like that!
Mom, if we're cut off, it's the lightning
What?
Let's go rent a boat! I got 8 human heads
in my room and I gotta go rent a boat!
Okay
Mrs. Pritshett?
Hi, this is Ernie Lipscomb,
Charlie's friend from medical school
Oh! Great! Great! The number
of as many hotels as you can give me
No, I know, it is, it is late
It's just that we've run into
a little bit of a situation up here
All right, okay, the Mayan
- That sounds great
- No, no, no, relax, everything's fine
But I do need to get a hold of Charlie. Did
he tell you what hotel he was staying at?
He didn't...
Right, no, I know how sons can be
- All right, and that's the last one, right?
- Yeah, no, I'm good
- School's a little crazy
- Well, thank you
You know how that goes
You sure he's only going away for a week?
- He packed enough stuff here for a year
- Charlie is a compulsive packer
"Sleight of Mind" by
Charlie Pritchett again
He's writing a detective novel
Yeah, it sounds like
his autobiography
It's a pun on sleight on hand and dim-witted.
You know, a pun, play on words, get it?
No, no, no, relax. Everything's fine
No, I don't know
we got midterms
I'll talk to you soon, Mrs. Pritshett
gotta go, bye
I popped the last guy
who tried to pun me, asshole. Get it?
Yeah, I get it too.
Make some more calls
You too, asshole
Charlie, this is none of my business,
hopefully... but, let's review
You've been pre-law,
pre-architect, pre-vet, pre-med...
- No, I'm in Med.
- He's an intern
And now Laurie tells me you've been
thinking about becoming a head-shrinker
- Charlie
- A... a what?
Shrink, headshrinker, psychoanalyst
Whatever you call an
overpaid hand-holder these days
Actually, sir, I was thinking about that...
but I don't know what I'm doing anymore
- I'm certainly aware of that
- Dad, enough...
Annette?
Bear?
- Wooly, are we alone?
- Yeah, we're alone, but where are you?
Wooly!
- What are you doing there?
- Wooly! Thank God Thank God you're alive!
Still alive? Of course I'm still alive
Where's Laurie? Not with him,
oh my God! Not with that maniac!
Calm down and tell me what
you're talking about
What I'm talking about?
Our daughter is dating a mass murderer
I went into his room
to take a gift to put it in his bag
In his bag he's got body parts!
Senora Bennett, I sorry to scare you
I was fixing the gutter
Dick, I am not crazy!
I know what I saw!
- I believe you
- No, you don't believe me
Yes, I do believe you, but remember
what the doctor said about your drinking
- I did not hallucinate
- Bear
I had the drink after I saw them
Please, Wooly
Bear, what about the pills?
I saw you take them, you said yourself
they made you woosy
Right, but then what about the bag?
Okay... where's the bag?
I don't know, but I was in his room
when he unpacked
He unpacked right in front of me
would a maniac do that?
Oh, no! Oh, no!
No, no, no, no
It's not my room!
It's not my room!
It is my room, okay
- Senor?
- What?
- We clean room
- What?
- Room clean
- Oh no!
Hola
- Oh! I am...
- Paco?
No... I'm... blind... I'm blind
I mean, I mean, you're blind...
I'm a guest and I forgot something
- Adios
- Adios
- I draw the line on mass graves
- Mass graves?
You know, maybe we should just do
individuals, seven of them, you know?
This reminds me of when
I was a kid, I was thirteen years old
Me and my friends used to
rip the heads off Barbie dolls...
and burry them
in the mud in the backyard
- You used to rip the...
- Hola, amigos
Find any buried treasures, gringos?
We have laws about these deserts
They are environmentally protected now
you know
- Actually, no, we didn't know
- Si, si
We got protected snakes,
protected lizards
protected toads
Are you familiar with the
Mexican horny toad, chiquita?
- Oh, no
- Oh, yeah!
Mexican horny toad is a very special species
It's against the law
to hurt a horny toad in any way...
Oh! You just hurt a horny toad!
Laurie
Whoa, come on, amigos. Vamanos!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah
No, shit! They stole my car!
Go get them!
- Senor
- Dick is going to kill me
I want you to stay here at your hotel
- Okay
- You're much safer here
- Okay, thank you
- Thank you
Thank you, sir
- Senor, you forgot your bag
- Thank you, thank you, sir
Thank you, good night
Well, that went well
- Charlie! I got it! Fed Ex it!
- What?
Fed Ex them to Steve!
Fed Ex them? Laurie, we're in Mexico
there is no Fed Ex
Well, then, Mex Ex them, I don't care
the point is just ship them!
And just let Steve innocently
open a package full of heads?
Of course not, we'll call him
All right boys, I'd like
to do this forever but...
I'm sorry, I don't know what else to do
You know?
I think it's time that I got rid of you two and
moved along. Come on, come over here
What? You, you can't just kill us
We're trying, all right? We're trying...
Trying? What are you talking about? What
does this look like the Special Olympics?
I need the bag! Get over here
- Well, wait...
- Trying, shit, get down!
Listen, we can call more people or...
Yes, we can help, man
I don't know what to do
I can go through friends
Can I answer that?
It might be Charlie, all right?
Put it on speaker phone
- Hello?
- Steve
- Oh God!
- Oh, Charlie, thank God. Jesus!
Listen to me, you asshole, you got my heads
and I want them back, you understand?
Who is this?
Never mind who this is
I want those heads!
Jesus Christ!
You're the guy from the airplane!
Charlie, listen, listen...
What does this look like, a family reunion?
Steve? What are you doing to Steve?
I'm killing him unless you
shut up and listen to me! Where are you?
I'm in Baja
I'm six hours south of San Diego
Listen to me. You meet me at the San Diego
airport and bring all 8 heads with you
San Diego airport? I'm
on vacation with my girlfriend's parents
Okay, okay, San Diego
You make sure you're there by six o'clock
if you ain't there, your buddies are history
- But what if I don't have all eight heads?
- What?
- I lost one
- You lost one?
You lost one?
How the hell could you lose one?
The maid got it
What do you mean a maid got it?
How the hell did a maid...
What, what do you mean?
What, which one did you lose?
I don't know!
Oh Jesus! I can't
believe this shit! I can't believe this shit!
Damn it!
What's happening?
I don't know
I don't think he's taking it too well
Charlie, listen. The guy is serious
he's not screwing around
He's a psycho, all right?
You gotta do what he says, all right?
- Are you there?
- Yes, yes
Yeah, listen to this
All right, bring the rest
and make sure you're there
Remember what I'm telling you now
you got it?
- Got it. Before you hang up though...
- What?
If you hurt my friends
you'll never get them
Charlie, what are you trying to do?
Are you threatening me?
No, I'm just telling you a fact...
and don't lose my book either
It's my only copy
Charlie
All right! All right! All right!
Forget the book, I'll be there
Yeah, you better
What's happening?
We have to go back to San Diego
San Diego? My dad will shit himself!
What are we going to tell him?
What to you mean he
forgot to turn in his lap report?
- I know it sounds flaky and...
- Flaky? It's ridiculous!
You mean he came all the way
to Mexico without turning in a report
and for that we have to go home?
Mom is sick
and anyway it's your fault
My fault?
He took your advice
He's decided on something
Well, he's decided that he'll never be
a member of this family, that's for sure
- We're leaving
- How did he take it?
It's gonna have to fall under
the category of blessing in disguise
I'll make it up to him
I'll give him a year of free analysis
- Cute. Here
- What's this?
It's a surprise for his birthday
He likes his macho stuff
Can you pack it in your bag?
I don't want him to see it
Where exactly would you suggest I put it?
- If we're going, let's get going
- Right, dad
The shirt's for you. Get packing
And the macho
statue with all the disgusting...
Laundry
I didn't...
Thank you
Who's this guy? He might do
- Do for what?
- Hugo
Wait a minute
Are you telling us you're trying to
find a look alike for the head Charlie lost?
Yeah. We got some time to kill
before we go to the airport
Oh, my God!
But these are college professors!
You know, innocent people!
You can't just kill innocent people
because they look like someone else
Let me tell you something, college boy
nobody's innocent
Now, who is he?
He was my anatomy professor.
He almost flunked me
Good, here's your chance to get even
with the prick. Get me his address
Wait a minute! I just thought of something!
- What?
- Cryonics!
- Cry-what?
- Cryonics!
Frozen bodies! This university
has the biggest Cryonics Foundation
in the country
So what?
So it could save you
a lot of troubles is so what!
You go on a killing spree here,
Big Sep's gonna hear about it
When a couple of gangsters die
nobody cares
But you blow away professors
Big Sep's gonna read about that
Big Sep don't read
Still, this cryonics facility
has hundreds of frozen bodies
Why they got hundreds of frozen bodies?
- I think for situations like this
- Don't be a little smart ass
They have them because people are hoping
that in a couple hundred years...
maybe they can bring them back to life,
clone them a healthy body
- Are you jerking me around?
- What?
Oh, my God, he just put welts and bruises
over 90% of my body, now you're talking...
about having me help you decapitate some
professors. Would I be jerking you around?
Calm down, tough guy.
What are you trying to tell me?
I'm trying to tell you that right across campus
is a gold mine of heads
Heads R Us. Night of a Thousand Heads.
If I was a guy in desperate need of a head,
as you are, I'd at least check it out
Senor, I can't find your jeep anywhere
What do you mean you can't find it?
It's red, rojo
Oh, my God. I forgot.
We, we went for a drive last night
and... it got stolen
You forgot it was stolen?
Well, we...
This is ridiculous! How the hell
are we going to get out of here?
It's not a problem, senor
take a plane
Oh, a plane! A plane!
And where would we take a plane from?
Here. Since you've been away, senor,
this has become a very important city
I mean we have built our own airport
- A plane comes every day
- Well, aren't we lucky?
Now, that's a Hugo
- This one's good?
- For Hugo Porter, unbelievable!
All right, we got a keeper!
- What was that?
- Thawing it out
No way
Good God! Look at that!
Lassie, sit girl! Stay!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Guys! Ernie!
- What?
- I'm not very comfortable, perhaps
Why is that?
We're messing with
people's immortality here. It's murder!
Technically, it's not murder, Steve
because they're already dead
No, these people,
they believed in the freezing thing
All right, this is like grave robbing,
grave robbing, or worse
I don't see any graves.
Do you see any graves?
There's gonna be two fresh ones, if you
two don't start looking for heads, come on
All right
- Sir, I'm really sorry about the Jeep
- It's open seating
Now you take these tickets
and you check in the big stuff
We'll take the little stuff,
and we'll go get the seats
Do you think you can handle that?
Yes, I really appreciate you...
Come on, Bear. Come here
God!
Permiso, senor,
do you have anything to declare?
Any fruits, vegetables, native plants?
Are you kidding?
Sobrino! Sobrino!
Mira!
Mira! Que es eso?
No se, mira como esta aqui
Excuse me, could you
handle me my bag, please?
- Un momento, senor
- I don't have un momento!
I have a plane-o to catch-o, got it?
- Machete?
- No, sera una pistola?
Excuse me, it's right there, I can see it
I'll just reach in and get it myself, okay?
Senor... no. No, Senor!
What? Is it dad?
What?
They found two heads in Dad's carry-on
Oh, no!
Put me down! Put me down!
Oh, my God!
Help me! Help me!
Oh, my God!
- Decent, hold this one
- Yeah, wait. Do you need a Helen?
No, you can play with her when I leave
Get over there
- This guy do anything for you?
- He's not bad either
Could be a Stu
- Yeah?
- Yeah
We could beat him a little bit
give him a few cuts
Random disfigurement
Yeah, definitely a Stu
Worth a try anyway.
I'll take him and I'll take him
- Great, I'll wrap them up
- What do you mean take? Huh?
You know, for a future doctor
you're a pretty stupid kid
I mean take the heads
No, No
No, no way! You do it!
This is your crazy idea, okay?
It's my idea that you should do it
But, he's a neurologist,
I'm only going into dermatology
So don't screw up the skin
Now there's a pleasant sound
Mr. Escobedo, this is my mother,
Annette, Charlie and Fran Bennett
Dad's mom. She flew down to help us out
Nona, this is Dad's Mexican lawyer
- Delighted
- Charmed
Now, cut the crap and
tell us what the hell's going on!
Certainly
Miamigos, in your country
you have what you call
the good news and the bad news
The good news is that Mr. Bennet
underwent only very mild torture
- Jesus!
- Oh my God!
Shut up, you poodle. What's the bad news?
He confessed and was sentenced to death
- Oh my God!
- That little weakling!
Oh, Mom!
- Wait a minute. Don't get upset yet
- Not get upset?
Let the man speak, damn it!
There are remedies here.
This is a civilized country
There's going to be a trial
some sort of hearing
Of course. When my partner arrives,
we will formulate our strategy
Until then, try to relax
It's a beautiful day. Enjoy Mexico
I can't belive it
Things get a little rough and he cracks
- Nona, they tortured him
- Oh, what?
A little castor oil down his gullet?
A little electricity on his dillywacker?
Cat piss!
I am spent!
Chopping off heads just takes it out of you
Shit!
Time to go, I got four heads
I'm screwed
But you got a good start
I'm sure one of those heads
in there will do for the one Charlie lost
I doubt it, the way
my luck's running today, kid
Let's take a second and
take stock of where we are so far
Let me tell you something, kid, okay?
Just so you know,
I gotta kill the both of you
So don't think by helping me
it's gonna change that, all right?
Yeah, I know, sure, I'm just
saying that you're doing all right
you might be better off than you think
Okay, but I'm just saying too
I want you to know
Okay, let's see. I got a Hugo, a Marty,
a so-so Stu, and a bad Frank
Right, and then at the morgue,
you said something about Little Joey
- Right
- Okay
All right, so I got Little Joey,
a Hugo, a Marty, and a bad Frank
- No, where's Stu?
- I said Stu, so-so Stu
No, just a second ago, you said Little Joey
I know I said little Joey
but I also said Stu
But then where's Frank?
All right, let's start over
You got a Hugo... a Little Joey...
- a Frank...
- Yeah
- A bad Stu...
- No... Frank... bad Frank
That's what I said
No, you didn't, you said bad Stu,
Stu was just so-so
No, sir, I said a so-so Stu
You did not. You said bad Stu
Yes, I said. Everyone heard
I said so-so Stu
You said bad Stu!
I know their names and you don't
Will you two stop it! Goddamnit!
These are not baseball cards
we're talking about here, all right?
These are heads, human beings' heads
Where were we?
- I said we have a Hugo
- Yes
Ho, ho, wait a minute, just a sec.
I can't believe I didn't notice this before
What?
With some black hair and a busted
nose, this kid makes a decent Frank
- What?
- Yeah
I mean I know you're a little young,
but with that stubble
- a couple of missing teeth
- But you have a Frank
I got a bad Frank,
you make a better one
But you don't even know
if you need a Frank!
- I might
- Please no, please, no
Listen, please, no, listen
I don't want any trouble
Look, I fly, I fly
- What are you? A fairy?
- No, no, he has a pilot's license
You don't wanna fly commercial
airlines with all these heads
That's how you got in this whole mess.
He can fly us. It's smarter
I fly
All right, grab all those heads.
Just leave the top one
Why?
Because the top one doesn't look like
anybody and Big Sep will never buy it
Wait just a minute! I sawed this off
and you re not even gonna use it?
- Steve, chill
- No, you chill
It s not fair. I spent a lot of time on this head
Don't you think that you could've at
least told me this before I cut it off?
I saw that coming
- Don't fuck with a guy looking for heads
- Good advice
Now take all the heads and let's go, okay?
- Big Sep, it's Benny
- Where the hell are my heads?
I just talked to Tommy a while ago.
He'll be there tomorrow
First it was two weeks ago,
then three days ago
I gave them to Tommy.
It's Tommy's deal now
Don't you talk to me about Tommy.
I trust Tommy
This is your job
Big Sep, what are we talking about here
Heads! It's not like they got any
value on the open market
It's not like we re talking diamonds here
now that's what's bothering me Ben
A guy pays 80 grand
and doesn't see proof...
He starts thinking maybe, just maybe he's
been double-crossed, you know what I mean?
Big Sep, I swear on the soul of my dead
mother, I off them myself
me, and Rico, I give you my word!
Your word ain't what
I paid you 80 fucking grand for, Ben
I paid you 80 fucking grand
to see their fucking heads
Now you bring me their heads
Bennie! Bennie, Bennie,
come in here, hurry up!
Bennie, you re not gonna believe
this! Look, look at this!
- My God! That's Hugo!
- That s Hugo and Stu, I mean...
didn't I tell you he'd screw up,
Bennie, didn't I tell you?
- This ain' t good
- What the hell's Big Sep gonna say, Bennie
Shut up!
Ernie Lipscomb,
Please pick up a courtesy phone
This is Ernie Lipscomb
Ernie, it's Charlie. Let me talk to him
- Sure. It's for you
- Yeah?
Hi, it s Charlie, l...
I lost two more heads
What? How could you
lose two more heads?
- The police got them
- How could the police get them?
The one I lost earlier,
I got it back
What are you looking at?
He's talking about potheads
We re de-programmers
with marijuana anonymous
He hates to lose a client
Listen to me, you little incompetent
piece of shit! Where are you exactly?
The La Purisima Hotel
Don't move. Don't leave your room
for anything. I coming down there
If there s any more heads
missing by the time I get there
I'm gonna replace them with your
family and your friends, you hear me, huh?
He really cares, and
that's what makes him the best
What?
I'm thinking that once he gets
these away from us your dad's a goner
We gotta move
I, I saw a place just outside of here, we gotta
check into another hotel, come on, get up!
Uhm, I'll take these
I had nowhere else to put them
I'll take these to the
American border, I'll give them to the police
I'll rent a car
I'll drive all night
- What am I gonna tell my mother?
- Tell her anything
Tell her we had a fight,
tell her I called you fat
It doesn't matter what she thinks
the important thing is to save your dad
I'm not fat
Look Laurie, maybe your dad
was right about me
Maybe, I'm a total nimrod
who can't follow through on anything
But I got him into this
I promise you, I'm gonna get him out
Get your hands off her Maniac!
Hold on!
You may want me to think I'm crazy
but I'm not crazy and I'm not stupid
you had those heads hidden in your room,
and then you pinned them on my Dick
Mom, what are you saying?
I'm calling the police on him,
I'm gonna do it right now
- No
- No
Mom, calling the police
is a bad idea. No, no
Laurie, I love you. Take your hand off the phone
you, back off, I know exactly what I am doing
No, you, you're not thinking clearly
I am thinking perfectly. I know exactly
what I am doing. I told you to back off!
Operator? No, I wasn't yelling at you.
Could you get me the police please?
Oh yes, operator, I need you
to get the police for me, policia?
Si, si, si, I'm trying to reach
the police, the policia, si, gracias...
Yes, Si, Si!
Yes, of course, I'll hold,
I'm happy to hold
For Christ s sake, keep it down!
Yes, oh, hello, police, yes, I have...
Charlie, hurry! Go!
- I need to rent a car
- Sure, that's no problem
We got chevys,
jeep, chevys...
Hey, that looks like our jeep
Well, uh, there's a lot
of jeeps, you know, senor
With this magazine in them? I don't
think so. This jeep was stolen from us
I don't know, senor
a lot of people read magazines
On seizures? You gotta be kidding me!
You really like that magazine, huh?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
You rent this jeep,
I'm gonna throw in magazine for Nada
Unbelievable!
Excuse me.
Where can we rent a car? Thanks!
All right, make sure it has A.C
Hold on, champ. Thanks
Are you telling me I just passed out?
Come on, drink up, you're a little dehydrated
- I'm gonna get us packed
- My butt's staying right here
Why? I hear
the Tropicana s wonderful
It's a waste of money, honey! Give me
the two c's, a cot and a crapper, I'm set
But...
Laurie, Charlie, it's Ernie
- Jesus!
- Who the hell is Ernie?
- Nobody, grandma
- Well, he sure as hell seems to know you
- No, grandma
- Is this some guy you're boffing on the side?
- Grandma!
- What the hell are you doing?
- Where's Charlie?
- Who are you?
I asked you a question
where the fuck is Charlie?
And I asked you a question,
who the fuck are you?
Now that we're in this frigging
La Purisima, what do we do now?
We find a cop station and we get our heads
All right
Benny! Look! It's him! It's Tommy!
What the hell do you think he's doing?
Do you think he got the heads back already?
I don't know, but why
don't we follow him? Come no!
Where the hell is he going?
Keep following him
I told Charlie to stay put
I told that son-of-bitch to stay put
So who are you? God?
Why the hell should he listen to you?
Oh! I am so groggy!
Do you mind if I lie down in the back?
I don't give a shit what
you do lady, just keep quiet
Watch your language
Ow! Fern, stop it! Ugh!
Oh! My God!
Another head? Oh! My God!
Lady, lady, shut up!
I can't stand it! I'm losing my mind!
Everywhere I look are heads!
Shut up, lady! Jesus Christ!
You're not the only person
on this planet with problems
Shut it!
Jesus! What a head case!
Is that supposed to be a joke? Killer humour!
Looks like this guy
I dated in High School
Hugo Porto
Hey, I think we're gonna pull over
because we need some gas soon
- Keep fucking driving
- Didn't I tell you to watch your language?
What are you doing? Where are you going?
Get your hands off me, you goon!
Don't fuck with me!
Grandma!
- My money says he ain't got the head
- Mine, too
Man, how could you do that?
- How could I what?
- Throw her off the cliff?
A man can only take so much, Kid
Oh! My God! I can't believe it!
I can't believe he...
- I thought the old battle-ax would never die!
- Mom!
What do you wanna do now?
Keep following him,
but I don't like the smell of this
- Well, well, well, if it isn't our old amingo
- Oh! No! Not again!
Isn't once enough, huh?
Can't you give a guy a break?
From one human being to another
That's, that's very moving, gringo
But the real question is, are we gonna
cut off your conjones? Or live them on?
You don't have to do this, come on guys,
you can't kill me, can't we flip for it
You think you should kill me, flip for it?
- What?
- A coin, you know?
Flip a coin, I win you let me go,
you win you mangle me
you're a crazy man, gringo
- Call it
- Heads
Oh, you sure? You don't even wanna
you sure you don't wanna think about it?
I've never been more sure
of anything in my life
Juan! Don't take the keys!
Don't take the keys!
Oh, God!
Oh, this has not been a very good vacation
Hello? Hello!
Who's there?
Stop! Stop!
- Not your kind of music
- I hate that shit
Are you talking to me?
I said, are you talking to me?
I don't know who you're talking to
- I'm the only one here
- Shut the fuck up!
- Are you talking to me?
- Yeah, I'm talking to you, shut up!
Shut up... Screwball!
- What's that?
- What's what?
Stop! Stop!
Oh! No!
Whoa, hold on now!
Hold on, hold on, just okay, okay
Hey, come here, stop
okay, don't shoot! Don't shoot!
I thought I told you to stay put?
Where's my heads? Where's my heads?
They're in the jeep
They're in the coolers
- Good
- But I lost another one
What?
Here, coyote
- What's he doing?
- The kid ain't dead, that's for sure
Here coyote!
- Shut!
- What?
- Shut up!
- What? What is it?
I'm dead, shit, I'm dead
Who, uh, whoever they are, it
doesn't look like they're coming after us
Not yet. Just the fact that
they're here means I'm dead though
When? As soon as I give you the heads?
Or as soon as I get them across to the States
Knowing them,
they're gonna let me take that risk too
Who are the heads anyway?
What? Non of your business
What the hell do you care?
You spend your vacation with a bunch
of heads, you kind of want to know
You think about their hopes and their dreams
Their lives cut short
Hopes? Dreams? Those bums?
You have to feel something!
You don't just kill eight
people and not feel anything!
It don't really matter, but let's
just set the record straight, okay?
First of all, I didn't
whack them, those guys did
Second, Mister Phi Beta Craphead
If I hadn't fucked up,
I'd be retiring after this
Hey! Hey! Look! Look!
What is he doing? It looks like
he's chasing after a dog?
- What if we could help each other out here?
- Impossible
Why?
Because you're stupid besides I'm not gonna
take the chance of going across that border
Well, if you know it all then how come
you're in this mess to begin with?
Because of bad luck
It's not my fault that the bag
was to big to go in carry-on
There was a gift shop right next to the gate
Didn't you ever think of taking two bags?
Oh! Shit!
So I'll repeat the question, what if there's
where a way we could help each other out?
What way?
I'm not into mass murder
if I'm not getting paid for it
But I'm warning you,
anybody gets in my way is dead
- Thank you again for getting rid of fern
- Mom!
The going rate five thousand
dollars, but you can owe me lady
Where's he going?
I don't know,
Do I look a mind reader? Let's go, come on
So now what do we do?
Drive to the border?
Hello no! We gotta get those
heads back and save your dad
Hey! Come back here! I'll kick your ass!
- Come on Bennie let's take him now
- I expect that's exactly what he wants
Uh, let's see, how lucky
We got here. Ah, we got Marty
Ah, we got Benito
Little Joey
What is he doing?
I don't know, it s like he's teasing us
wait a minute it's caught on my neck!
Ouch, Jamal, you wanna bite, huh?
Jamal! Jamal!
Let's see, what do I need?
I need a Stu,
a Frank and a Hugo
There's a Hugo
- Who is it?
- It looks like Stu or Hugo
Frankie you suck...
but you're gonna have to do, buddy
How many has he got now?
He's got one, two seven, eight.
- He's got all eight heads
- I'm gonna make him the ninth head
And you, you I definitely don't need
what a bunch of douchebags!
Lost dreams! What a crock!
This coyote won't
be doing anymore running away
I got him trained!
That is disgusting
I can't leave it outside for the coyotes
Everybody be still,
this is our last match
Good work Steve, you asshole!
That's it,
we're just gonna have to wait till dawn
Steve, shut up!
Heads up!
Stop ahead!
Anybody need to use the head!
Steve, shut up and go to sleep
Oh, don't let it go to your head
whoa, whoa, whoa, you're way ahead of me
Steve!
Hey, don't bite my head off, all right?
- That's it, I m sleeping outside guys
- Me too
Steve! Get a grip, go to sleep
Or what, huh? You'll have my head?
Enough!
Mr. Hitman
I'm so alone
Ain't got no body to call my own
Ain't got no legs for walking all over
Can't hold my liquor
so I gotta stay sober
Mr. hitman, give me a break
Tell Mr. Pizza that I ain't no steak
Please put on your magic sheen
Mr. Hitman bring me a dream
Jesus!
- Bennie! Wake up! He's up! He's up!
- I'm up! I'm up! Relax!
Damn it! This always works on the Camaro
- You can do it
- I Know. All right!
Can I get some breakfast here?
Si, Senior, please, sit anywhere you like
- Bennie, what the hell is he doing?
- I don't know, let's go find out, shall we?
- Coffee, Senor?
- Uh, yeah, good
- Juice?
- Sure
Wow, look at this surprise!
Bennie, Rico, you boys decide
to take a vacation?
Yeah, Tommy, you know
we never seen Mexico
We figured this is a good time to check it out
Good, good... it's nice down here
I know you re waiting for me
to cross over to the States
But I gotta tell you now, when I do
You'll get that bag
over my dead body
Funny. We was thinking
exact same thing, huh, Rico?
That's his Van
The guy with the van, where is he?
Uh, he's in the hotel, Senior
You're not going in there
after him, are you?
We need those heads, yes,
I'm going in there
I can't believe you're actually doing this
Give me your guns
Jesus! Charlie, where'd you get that?
- It looks like mine
- It was yours
You dropped it in the dessert,
now it's mine
now both of you, put your guns on the table
Or I'm gonna blow your heads off
Right now!
Laurie, get the guns
Ernie, get the duffel bag
- Wait a minute!
- Easy, kids
You don't wanna mess with these guys
He's right, Charlie, what do you
want those heads for anyway?
He's gonna take them to the border,
and turn in, right, Charlie?
- You'll be a hero with her old man
- Something like that
Forget about it, you do that
and Big Sep kills us all
Fuck Big Sep!
- Mrs. Bennett, Senor Prit-Shit
- Paco
We're F.B.l!
He's the Unibell man
Senora Bennett?
Back off
Come on, Laurie, drive faster
What have you done?
Laurie, why do you have guns?
What... what...
Senor Pritchit, senor Bennett,
what's happening? What's this all about?
It's about heads
- Steve, leave him alone
- Why does she have guns?
Look! See? Heads! All right?
I know, but it's okay, Paco, Paco
I told you it wasn't recyclable
Paco, it's okay, Paco
Charlie, what are we gonna do? Charlie?
- What are you doing?
- Ernie, give me the duffel bag
Everybody stay in the car!
Steve, stay in the car!
Move, please! Move!
Hola! Hola!
I have something to declare!
His mistake, he doesn't have anything
Arrest them! Arrest them!
That's his bag! Arrest them
All right, everybody freeze!
Don't do anything stupid
and nothing stupid will happen
- Get to the plane, Rico
- Oh! Shit!
No need to be excited!
Charlie!
We're just getting in the plane and
fly away, bye-bye, have a nice day
Arrest them!
Drop your guns or I'm gonna shoot him
- Move in, goddamnit!
- No!
Charlie! No!
Arrest them!
Check their bag! Open their bag!
There's a human head in the bag!
The man you arrested
yesterday is in jail
for the murders these guys committed
He father is innocent
These are the guys who did it
Right there!
Wait a minute!
That's not ours!
- You arrested us for the wrong head!
- Rico
- Our heads are not here!
- Shut up!
- Where are our heads, asshole?
- Shut up, Rico
Al suelo!
You knew it? You planned it?
- You got a future, kid!
- Thanks
"Slight of Bag by Charlie Pritchett"
Show me the law about
bringing a head out of the country
It ain't a fruit, it ain't a vegetable
it ain't a native plant, goddamnit!
Alto! Alto!
You can't have it!
It's mine!
I spent a lot of time on this head
It's my best friend!