[PROJECTOR WHIRRING]
[YELLOW OSTRICH'S MARATHON MAN PLAYING]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
When I was a boy of 17
I know it's mean
But I told my friend to give up
On her dreams
She hated me
But I knew that dreams were
For the best of us
And for the rest of us
And I didn't want to share
With anyone
I need a way to see
My greatest dance
And make 'em laugh
If I could win the wars
Or lose the battles too
Whichever's true
I can live
In other people's lives
I can't stop putting on
Other people's clothes
I love them till I leave
I am a marathon runner
And my legs are sore
And I'm anxious to see
What I'm running for
I am a hot air balloon
On a sailboat
I would make this my home
If I'd learn to float
I am a marathon runner
And my legs are sore
And I'm anxious to see
What I'm running for
I am a hot air balloon
On a sailboat
I would make this my home
If I'd learn to float
I am a marathon runner
And my legs are sore
And I'm anxious to see
What I'm running for
I am a hot air balloon
On a sailboat
I would make this my home
If I'd learn to float
Shit.
Dude, you are never
gonna believe this.
A shrimp's heart is in its head.
This is fucking tripping me out.
Really, Cheech?
10:00 a. m.?
Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
You getting a contact high?
You gonna be all seizuring out on me?
I don't get seizures.
Mm-hmm.
What do you call them again?
They're marijuana-induced fits.
It's a medical condition.
[LAUGHS]
What are you doing tonight?
I don't know. I got to go.
Call me later.
Okay.
[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]
Hello?
So, uh, what are you
doing tonight?
[CHUCKLES]
I don't know.
That's why I said,
"Call me later. "
I know. I am.
So Ash and I are going to this
Alvin Ailey modern-dance thing.
Looks kind of cool.
You want to join?
Modern dance?
Not exactly what I had in mind
for tonight... or ever, really.
All right.
Let's definitely grab
a beer before I go.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
I think I'm just gonna heat
up some Chinese food.
You mean play video games.
All right.
Why change your routine
at this point, huh?
I got to go. Bye.
[TWINKLING GUITAR MUSIC]
There you go.
Thank you.
Hey.
What can I get for you?
I'll just take a medium
coffee to go.
Thanks.
Such a... Such a beautiful day
out, and it, uh, doesn't...
doesn't feel like
November at all.
Feels like... like maybe
early s... early summer.
June.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Here you go.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Done and done.
[CASH REGISTER DINGS]
La-te-"L"-apostrophe-ticia?
L'ticia?
Okay.
Thanks so much.
Thank you.
Mr. Newman, hello.
Hello.
It's quite an honor.
My name is David Abbott.
I have read all three of your books.
Oh, thank you, David.
You can just call me Sam.
[CHUCKLES]
Sam.
Can you make it out
to "Sticky Fingers"?
That is my avatar name.
Sticky Fingers?
Yes, sir.
Okay.
Question for you.
What inspired your decision to
kill off Tabitha at the end?
Well...
Was it because she had broken
the sacred oath
of the Baldroozen nymphs?
I mean, I guess she
had it coming.
Uh, actually, Sticky,
I was-I was sort of inspired
by the movie studio
that commissioned me
to write it, honestly.
You see, the movie was already
made, so they just paid me to
write exactly what
happened in the m-movie.
You know, that... that's what I do.
Sorry.
Surprise!
Oh. my God!
Sarah!
Hi.
Jesus.
Sarah Anderson.
Holy shit.
Oh, no, actually,
it's Sarah Schipper now.
Wow.
Crazy.
What are you...
Congratulations.
Thank you.
That's ba... that's a rock.
Well... I don't...
What are you... what
are you doing here?
Well, my husband works
around the corner.
I was walking by,
and I saw your name,
and I thought,
"I should just pop in. "
Yeah.
Well, I'm glad...
I'm sorry.
I'm glad you did.
Hi.
Oh.
Wait.
What?
Yep, that happened.
You got a...
A baby.
You got a baby.
Yeah.
Wow. Wow.
What about you?
You got a wife or kids, family?
Nope.
No?
None... none of the above.
Not even a girlfriend?
Eh.
Aw.
Congratulations on the
whole writing thing.
It's great.
Yeah. Yeah.
Not... not bad.
Not bad.
So where does your husband work?
You said he works around the...
Oh, he's at the Puma store.
Oh, no, he's a... he's a
columnist at the Times.
The New York Times?
Yeah.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Cool.
Well, I'd love to get
a copy of the book.
Oh. Really?
Yeah. Sure.
Okay.
Uh...
Want to sign it for me?
Oh, sure.
It just seems so weird.
Let's see.
Uh, okay.
[CHUCKLES]
All right.
Yeah.
How are your parents?
Oh, uh, yeah-huh.
Yeah, they got a...
they got a divorce.
What?
After I left for college, yeah.
My mom, uh...
They always seemed like they had
the most perfect relationship.
Well...
Hey, guess where Joel and I
are spending the summer.
Y-y-Yosemite.
Espoo.
Where?
Espoo.
Where my whole family's from.
Are you kidding?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No, I remember.
In, uh, N-Norway.
Finland.
Finland.
Near Norway.
We talked about getting
married there, but, well...
It's nice to see that you
haven't changed at all, Sam.
Take care, Sam.
You too.
Dude, she's pregnant!
That sucks.
Yeah, I'm sitting there
signing autographs
like a jackass, this stupid book.
It was so humiliating.
Sorry, Mr. Newman.
Yeah.
My manager told me I
have to take the order now.
You want to have the special?
Uh, no, just the usual.
Thanks, Howard.
Um...
So she looks at me like I was
the saddest, most pathet...
Sorry I don't work
for The New York Times.
The New York Times is not
really what it used to be.
I got to go.
Oh, Wait. Uh...
I have a lot of customer
to take care of.
Well, I'll talk to you s...
Bye.
Okay.
Oh, my God, I got to
write something good.
[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]
There you go.
What's that for?
Oh. I thought... Aren't
you... Homeless?
Sorry.
I just thought that was a...
That's a chai.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
I'm so sorry. Uh...
Hey, what's up?
Yeah.
No, I saw the Instagram.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Hey, Alan.
Hey.
How'd the signing go, guy?
Um, fine.
Yeah, all right.
Total domination, right?
Teen Vampire continues
to command the shelves.
Well, quantity over quality.
That's what I say.
All right, listen,
the studio would like you
to translate a couple more
of their films into books.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
I-I...
The first one here
actually smells pretty good.
Let me set the table for you.
It's an action-adventure flick,
and it's called
"doomtombalienwomb"...
it's one word...
"dot-net," I think.
Check it out.
It's sizzling, and they got apps, and
they got the whole thing happening.
Okay, yeah.
Um... All right, let me move on.
I got a romantic comedy for you
too, and this one's called Sherpa.
Sherpa?
I think you could kill this shit.
Like the... like the Nepal...
Yeah, a woman
who climbs Everest.
Okay.
But in the process, she finds the
biggest discovery of her life:
love with her Sherpa guide.
She falls in love with him.
They're from different
backgrounds.
They speak the language of
kindness or something like that.
Listen, Alan, I don't know.
Lookit, I'm not saying that this
stuff is actually hard-on-inducing,
but you pop off a couple
more of these bad boys...
Alan, I think I'm gonna start
writing something else.
Something original.
Okay.
Something personal.
Yeah.
Listen, I totally get it.
So I'm gonna take a little time off and
start working on this thing, okay?
All right.
Here... here's the thing.
You're burned out.
You want to move the blocks around.
You want to reset the table.
I got to move them. Yes.
You need to take a break.
You need to do something a little bit
different, and I totally get that,
and I want... that's what I want you to do,
'cause I want you to stoke the fire.
'Cause if you take the coal too far away
from the fire, then the coal burns out.
If you put the coal back in the
fire, then the coal's gonna burn.
And I don't want
you to ever think
that anybody has ever
called you a hack writer.
Hack writer? What?
Okay, when you start
writing the pages,
you send 'em over to me.
Wait, Alan.
Hack writer.
What are you talking about?
I'm just telling you
they haven't said it.
What?
I'm gonna go.
Let me know when
you're doing stuff.
Yeah. Okay. Bye.
[MID-TEMPO GUITAR MUSIC]
Ooh, sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
Ah!
Thanks. I'm really sorry.
Just got in?
I'm sorry. What? Sorry?
Oh, I'm just saying I think
I saw you come in to work.
Oh, yeah.
I am late as usual.
Yeah, always late.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[SIGHS]
Can I get a refill for you?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, thanks.
Oh, shit!
What? Are you okay?
No. Fuck.
Um, I think someone
just stole my computer.
Oh, God.
Yeah, I had it here,
and I put it in a bag.
It was in a blue computer bag.
I was gonna go to the bathroom.
Do you have another one?
Do you s... hmm?
Besides that one?
No. That's it.
Just that one, actually.
[CHUCKLES]
Thanks.
No, it would have been devastating
if you'd lost your masterpiece.
Yeah.
No reason to go on.
I know.
Fortunately, it's just two pages
of bad haikus and dirty limericks.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
But you're a doodlist
as well, I see.
Oh, yes.
I just scribble.
I dabble in the doodles myself.
Yeah? Really?
Yeah, I do caricatures
in Prospect Park.
Oh, cool.
Very cool.
I'm sorry.
Is this Gorbachev?
No, no, that's just a creepy guy.
Oh. That's too bad.
I'm a huge Gorbachev fan.
Oh.
Well, this is...
Now it's Gorbachev.
You can Gorbachev anything.
That's really good.
Thanks.
It's Birdie.
It's very birdy.
Oh, my name is Birdie.
Oh, okay. Sorry.
Um...
I'm Sam.
Uh, that's my name.
[CLEARS THROAT]
It's like Pam with an S.
Oh. So...
So Spam.
No, the P is silent.
It's confusing.
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
I would love to continue
this conversation, but...
Yeah, of course.
Sorry. Yeah.
Sorry.
Large coffee, almond milk, three
Sweet'N Lows, two napkins.
The name's Emily.
Nice to meet you.
Emily, like "Jemily,"
but the J is silent.
[CHUCKLES]
Actually, "Gemily" is spelled
with a G, usually.
Is it?
Do you know any Gemilys?
Sorry.
[JANGLY ROCK MUSIC]
Hey, El, where's the toothpaste?
El.
Hey, what'd you...
Oh, shit!
Shit.
What the fuck?
Sorry.
You can't do that
with the door wide open.
Well, I thought
you were in the shower.
I always wait till
you're in the shower.
You do?
Oh, God.
Now every time I take a shower,
I'm gonna think about that.
Can I turn around?
Yeah.
Is that Princess Leia?
N... yeah.
Are you seriously jerking off
to current pictures
of Carrie Fisher?
Remember when
we were kids, dude?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you
were pretty obsessed with her too.
Yeah, I was obsessed with her
when she was in Star Wars.
What am I, 12?
You really expect me to pleasure
myself to fucking Star Wars?
What are you talking about?
You can get older, and she can
stay the same age in picture form.
Women, like men, grow up.
Everybody ages.
It's just... it's a natural fact of life.
You're not dating her.
You're just jerking off to her.
Right.
I...
Okay, yeah.
Just close your door next time.
Can you close it?
[GROANS]
Are you going back
into the shower by any chance?
Please don't.
Just please don't.
[PIZZICATO STRINGS MUSIC]
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Do you by any chance know
what time Birdie...
or it might be
Bertie... is working?
It's Birdie, like "caw, caw!"
You're a friend of hers?
Uh, yeah, sort of.
She got canned.
What? Why?
What... what happened?
She was late.
For work?
No.
For her fucking period.
What...
I'm sorry.
I don't know what's g...
I f-feel like maybe we got off
on the wrong foot.
I'm Sam, by the way.
Okay.
And your name is...
It's Gerard.
Gerard.
Strard.
Stre... Gerard.
Strard.
Stard.
Strard.
Chard.
Leave it.
Anyway.
What happened with Birdie?
I already told you;
she was late.
Oh... right.
But j-just...
Anything else, Inspector Watson?
No, that's... that's great.
Thanks for...
Do you think maybe
she'll come back here?
For what?
I don't know.
Me, neither.
Why don't you just find her online?
I don't know her...
Birdie Hazel.
Hazel.
Okay.
Thank...
Thanks, G-sir.
Okay.
I think I got everything.
Where you guys going?
I told you a trillion times.
We're going to Ashley's
parents' place,
then we're going
to Sacred Spirit.
Oh, right.
Camp Brainwash.
Eliot, don't forget
your camera.
I think it's on the desk.
Oh, yes.
Bye!
Bye!
Hey, El, I found Birdie's
online profile.
You did? Who?
You know, the coffee shop girl.
Pretty amazing, actually.
Oh, yeah? Nice, man.
Yeah. You got to see this.
I don't know what to do.
What's the next move?
Write her a message
saying you want to see her.
Really?
Should I?
That seems weird.
Just, like, a blind message?
I don't... I don't know
anything about her.
Yeah.
Sure, you do.
That's the beauty of getting
to see her Facebook profile.
There's so much information
on there, you know?
I mean, hell, you could become
the man of her dreams
if you wanted.
That's true.
You know?
Baby?
Yeah.
Come on.
I'm double-parked.
What are you doing?
Oh, shit.
See you next week, playa.
See you.
[BUZZER DRONES]
G, D, B minor, A
G, G
Play a G.
Oh. Uh, okay.
Play a G.
I'm not sure I got that one.
Index finger goes on
the... is that a fret?
It's called a fret.
Sorry.
I don't know...
You got to bar it.
Ow. Ow.
Okay. That's it?
[DISSONANT CHORD PLAYS]
It sounded different than yours.
If you stop with the 'tude
and the condescending shit,
I can...
Music is about opening.
Your generation is so...
sexy, and they know it,
and they're texting.
Just 'cause you got my
number off a telephone pole
doesn't mean I'm not ferocious
on the ax.
I played fucking Woodstock, man.
Woodstock? Really?
That's kind of...
'Cause you don't
really seem that...
Woodstock '99, captain!
So you want to fuck with that?
I played backup with the fucking
Spin Doctors, bro-rometer.
Wow.
Yeah, wow.
That's pretty cool.
It's really cool.
Look it up.
I will.
I'll Google it.
Yeah, do that.
Okay.
I didn't technically
play backup,
but I was backing them up
from a choice seat backstage.
I'm pretty tight
with Chris Barron's brother.
Is he... is he in the Spin Doctors?
Are you effin' fucking with me?
I-I don't...
Is this Punk'd?
Am I punk'd?
Are you Ashley Kutcher?
Ashton.
Who doesn't know Chris Barron?
I don't.
I'm sorry.
He's the original doc.
He hooked me up
with backstage passes,
and we did enough K
to date-rape a horse.
What's K?
And you want to be a rock star.
Without K, the Spin Doctors
would be Spin Nurses.
It's a fucking horse
tranquilizer, champion.
Gary, I totally respect
your musical background,
and that's why
I just really want you
to teach me how to play.
Yeah? Why?
I just want to...
Why?
I just want to learn.
Nobody just wants to learn.
You either want money,
pussy, or fame.
Which one is it?
I just want to learn.
Money, pussy, or fame?
I want to...
Which one is it?
Well, then, okay.
Well, there's... there's a girl.
So it's pussy.
Yeah, fine, I guess.
Well, does she have a pussy?
Can you just tell me
where the G is please?
It's right above the
clit, inside the pussy.
The G chord.
Can you... what are you doing?
If you just listen...
Shh!
And stop fucking around,
Dr. Gary Garren will teach
you a thing or three.
You know what I mean?
I think so.
[LIGHT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS]
Yeah, one, two
Princes kneel before you
That's what I said now
Princes
Princes who adore you
Go ahead now
One has
Diamonds in his pockets
And that's some bread now
This one
He wants to buy you lockets
Ain't in his head now
Hey
Bi-di-dip
[SPIN DOCTORS' TWO PRINCES PLAYING]
[CHEERY ROCK MUSIC]
Yeah, one, two
Princes kneel before you
That's what I said now
Princes
Princes who adore you
Just go ahead now
One has
Diamonds in his pockets
And that's some bread now
This one
Said he wants to buy you lockets
Ain't in his head now
Yeah
Do do-do do
Do do do do-do
Ba-deedly de-ba da-ba da-ba
Da-ba da-ba da-ba
da-ba da-ba
This one
Got a princely racket
That's what I said now
Got some
Oh, shit!
Ain't in his head now
You marry him
Your father will condone you
How 'bout that, now?
You marry me
Your father will disown you
He'll eat his hat now
Marry him or marry me
I'm the one that loves you
Baby, can't you see?
I ain't got no future
or family tree
But I know what a prince
and lover ought to be
I know what a prince
and lover ought to be
Said if you
Want to call me, baby
Just go ahead now
And if you'd
Like to tell me maybe
Just go ahead now
And if you I'
Want to buy me flowers
Just go ahead now
And if you'd
Like to talk for hours
Just go ahead now
[GUITAR SOLO]
Tap out.
Tap out.
I'm trying.
Tap out!
I'm trying.
I can't tap out.
Tap out.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, my God.
Holy Jesus.
[BELL JINGLES]
Hey, Gerard.
Hey.
I'm here to pick up
my last paycheck.
Somebody stole it.
What?
I'm joking.
Jesus!
Don't get your boy shorts
in a panty bundle.
How could someone possibly
steal it and then cash it?
I-I-I don't know.
Exactly, genius.
I stole it and tried to cash it.
Didn't work.
Great.
Well...
I'm just glad it's still here.
Did he find you?
Who?
That Laotian boy.
Oh, you can run,
but you can't hide.
When you're done with
him, give him my digits.
Okay.
I don't... I don't know what you're talking
about, so I'm just gonna take this.
Thank you.
And... yeah.
Bye.
Ten years ago
I bought you some cufflinks
C
And then to G
Head back to D
And back to
Hey!
Welcome home!
What the fuck is going on?
Oh, man.
You missed...
Oh, shit!
I got to flip the mahi.
Ah, fuck.
Damn it.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Ah, I knew it.
Should have done the medallions.
Should have done the medallions.
What is going on, man?
Oh, I...
found some inspiration.
Cocaine?
[LAUGHS]
No, no, no.
Let's just say a little
bird helped me out.
I'm not... not getting it.
Birdie! Duh.
The coffee shop girl.
Birdie. Right.
Can you turn that down a little?
Way down.
Sorry, man.
Sorry.
Listen, I got
to tell you something.
I haven't felt this way
in such a long time.
I feel this, like, uh...
like a jolt, you know,
like a... like a thump.
Don't say spark.
A spark.
It's true.
I can't explain it
any other way.
It's this... this intangible
feeling that...
Feels pretty good.
I love that, man.
That's great.
Oh, shit.
Is she coming over?
You want me to go to Ashley's?
Oh, no, she's not coming here.
Oh, she's not?
Yeah.
That's great, though.
You guys been hanging?
No.
You been talking on the phone
with her?
No.
A little online chatting?
Not quite.
See, I'm getting
a little creeped out, man.
I'm doing exactly
what you said.
What I told you to do?
Yeah.
I'm becoming the man
of her dreams.
I don't think that that...
I'm preparing
for the moment to arise.
I've been studying
her Facebook page all week.
I know it backwards
and forwards.
I'm visualizing the whole thing.
I got it.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Okay. How 'bout this?
Yeah?
Visualize writing her a message
but then literally do it
right now.
Write her a message r-right now?
Yeah.
Okay.
You know what?
Screw it.
You're right.
Let's do this.
All right.
This is the moment.
Carpe diem.
Um... okay, so what... what do I write?
Uh, uh, uh...
Got it.
Okay.
"I love and invite my soul"...
What's this? What is this?
This is Leaves of Grass.
Walt Whitman.
Birdie loves Whitman.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Really?
Why? Why? Why?
Dude, look at this.
Look.
"Hey, babe, I hope you're still
coming to my show on Tuesday.
LOL, Jackie. "
Who's Jackie?
It's Jackie Williams.
She's a... she's an aspiring actress.
Their parents are family friends.
She loves Kathy Griffin.
She's an Aquarius.
She does the show on Tuesday
night at UCB Improv.
[LAUGHING] Oh. my God.
It's really disturbing you
know that, but that's your in.
Well, it's all in...
What do you mean, that's my in?
I'm gonna go to some shitty improv show,
sit through the whole thing, just so
I can stare at her in the audience?
You... No, you...
so you can talk to her.
All right, flower, grow!
Grow! Grow! Grow! Faster!
Why don't you grow faster, flower?
Now, run around.
Ahh!
Yeah, but you love that flower.
Tell that flower
that you love her.
The chestnut
that turned into a flower,
to turn it into growing water,
then turn into something big.
It was chestnuts!
That was pretty funny.
Hey... Can I get,
uh, one of these?
Oh, my God.
Wait, wait.
Oh.
Do you ever go
to the Second Stop Caf?
Well, where is that...
Oh, Gorbachev!
Sam.
That's it!
Yeah. Yeah.
Birdie.
Birdie? Bird... yeah.
What have you been up to?
What have you been up to?
I... Jesus.
Oh, no.
[LAUGHS]
Um, nothing.
Just, uh, watching...
Really bad improv.
Glad you said that.
It was... yikes.
Though I commend them
for their courage.
I would never have the nerve
to get onstage like that
if I didn't have a guitar
in my hands.
You play guitar?
Yeah, yeah, a little bit.
Just... just to relax and stuff.
Very nice.
Mellow stuff, yeah.
Joan Baez kind of stuff.
Oh, you like Joan Baez?
I love Joan Baez!
She's the best! Yeah!
No, she's my favorite.
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding?
I grew up with her.
Not literally, but...
Right.
She's amazing.
Diamonds and Rust.
Dude, every time I walk
into Washington Square,
I think of that.
Me too.
"Now you're smiling,
looking out the window
"of that crummy hotel
over Washington Square.
"Our breath comes out white clouds,
mingles, hangs in the air. "
Oh!
I know. Oh, my God.
It's so good.
Every time I'm in the park,
I think that.
Yeah.
Well, um, listen, next time
I'm in the ol' Second Stop,
you got to give me the
Joan Baez fan discount.
I would love to.
It might be a little hard
now since I was fired.
I know... now.
Now I know.
Uh, that sucks.
I'm glad that
I ran into you here, though.
Yeah, me too.
Hey. hey, hey, hey!
Oh, hey, girl.
Oh, you were so good, so good.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you.
Literally, you couldn't have
picked a better night,
except for that skank
who kept cutting me off.
Uh, well,
J... Jackie, uh, Sam.
Hey.
Hey, Sam.
Um, Sam was just saying
something about the show, right?
What is it that you were saying?
Ah, well, we were laughing...
Thank God.
And saying that we will
never forget this night.
That was it.
It was very memorable.
Literally?
Yep.
Thanks.
So do you know someone
in the troupe, or...
No. I just...
I enjoy the art form.
Art form? Wow.
Thank you, Sam.
Dibs.
[LAUGHTER]
So do you have to...
No.
Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[CHUCKLES]
Can I cook you dinner sometime?
Hey!
Oh, sorry.
Okay, I need some scented
candles, dried flowers,
incense... either Passion
or Don Juan brand...
and, uh, there's something else
that I didn't write down.
Oh, sage.
Do you sell sage?
Great.
Hey, sister
Can you feel my soul runs free?
Destruction breaks the core
Taking toll on me
Life stings with circumstances
Cheating death romances me
Hey, mister
Did you miss your chance
to see some truth?
Have you misplaced
your identity?
You've searched
for all the action
Where the dead
can dance and sing
Whoo-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
The Slim Maker
does all the exercises...
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Sam, hey.
I am so sorry.
I got caught up.
Yeah, totally.
That's cool.
I wasn't sure
if you remembered...
I'm at the hospital, actually.
Oh, my God.
I'm fine.
Mm.
My ex is a carpenter, actually,
and he hurt his hand...
And he didn't have anyone else
to drive him.
That's... that's actually
a really nice thing to do.
He would do
the same thing for me.
Well, I really want to make it
up to you.
I take a ballroom class every Thursday,
if you're interested.
Oh, I also do ballroom.
You do?
Yup.
Honestly, though,
I haven't done it
since I was really,
really young, but...
Well, you better find
something snazzy to wear.
Okay.
I will.
All right.
I'll talk to you then.
Okay, good.
Good.
All right.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
[MID-TEMPO PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
I like... I like your outfit.
[LAUGHING] Thanks.
What do you... where are
your dancing clothes?
Oh, I've got 'em on.
They're just under here.
It's just like a wife
beater and a T-shirt.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna go home
and change really quick.
Oh, no, no.
Come on.
I misinterpreted what you said.
Just take your jacket off
a second.
I'm sure it's fine.
Okay, I-I-I got to...
I just got to tell you,
when I was dancing, they wore different
things, and you said, "snazzy. "
I know.
I did say snazzy.
Okay, really quick, but you can't laugh,
or else I'm jumping out of the cab.
[LAUGHS]
Okay.
No, no! I don't...
I mean, that was a...
that was a laugh of excitement
because it's so snazzy.
Can I go home?
I'm just gonna put a T-shirt...
I think it's great.
I think it's great.
Some people dress up,
so it's okay.
Oh, no.
And we're here anyway, so...
It's gonna be fine.
I got you.
I promise it's gonna be...
it's gonna be fine.
Oh, please. Okay.
Oh, uh, sorry, sir.
How much... how much do I owe you?
What are you doing?
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[LAUGHS]
Oh, it's right here.
Oh, okay.
Hey.
Hey!
Birdie, what have we got here?
Harriet, Henry, this is
my new recruit, Sam.
Oh, Sam.
Raymond's not gonna be pleased.
Ah, he'll be fine.
Hey.
Oh.
Nice threads.
Oh, thank you.
You a pro?
No. Are you?
How do you define a pro?
Well, it's someone who
gets paid for dancing, I guess.
Oh, not with money.
We get rewards in other ways.
Ah.
Pride.
Right.
Roberto.
Oh, hi. Sam.
Mercedes.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
We've won this thing
for the last three years.
Don't get any ideas.
Okay.
Wow.
It's not a competition.
Oh.
Did someone tell them that?
[LAUGHS]
So let me get this straight:
you write novels for
movies that already exist.
Yes. Yep.
Did you see, um, you
know, Teen Vampire?
That... that was huge.
The movie was, yeah.
The novelization was not so much.
I'm gonna read it anyway.
You don't have to read it, really.
Just rent the movie.
What's your favorite book?
The Teachings of Don Juan:
A Yaqui Way of Knowledge.
Are you serious?
What?
That's my favorite book.
What?
Yeah!
Oh, when he turns
into the... The crow.
Dude, I tripped out in college.
I tripped out so hard.
First day on the job, rookie?
No.
First day on the job, rookie?
Okay, he just said that.
What's with those two?
Ah, don't listen to 'em.
Oh!
Yeah, see?
[LAUGHS]
You actually have some
pretty sweet moves.
Oh, thanks.
Must be all the judo training.
Deep into judo.
[LAUGHS]
What?
What's so funny?
Nothing. No.
I just...
My parents' dog's name is Judo,
and you said, "deep into judo. "
That just sounded funny.
I'm an infant.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
Your parents' dog is named Judo?
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
That is funny,
Invite her to the next
Sacred Spirit retreat.
This one's only one night.
You kidding?
No. I actually like this girl.
You drinking whiskey?
Bourbon.
Bourbon?
I hate it so much.
It's her favorite, though.
Got to build up my immunity.
Are you okay?
It's so smooth.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
L.O.V. for you and me
That's just the way it's got to be
L.O.V. for you and me
That's just the way
Hey, Gerard, what's
another word for "smitten"?
"Horny. "
Love is a feeling
Feel the words of love
[COMPUTER CHIMES]
Come on, now
Hold these words as
the sweetest embrace
And try
Come on, try
[KEYS CLACKING]
I think you might be
the first guy I've ever met
that actually likes doing this.
That you've given up
on love
I'm hoping that
you'll come around
This is so exciting, right?
I wish I could draw.
That is such a dope talent.
You know, this one here
is quite the talented artist himself.
Yeah, right.
I'm... no, I'm not.
I'm not as...
not as dope as she is.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, my God.
That's so funny.
These are so good.
Do you have, like, a time frame
to make it doing
drawing or whatever?
Well, what do you mean,
"make it"?
Success is a myth.
Love's the only true currency.
After all this is done,
all that really matters
is how and who you loved.
But there must be something
that you're working toward, right?
This.
What do you mean, this?
This brings me happiness.
You know, and maybe, you know,
in a week or maybe a year
from now, it won't, but...
You know, then I'll just move on
to the next thing that does.
All right.
Looks good.
I think... I think we're done, yeah.
It's about time.
You two are such a rad couple.
You both draw or whatever.
It's so cool.
I remember when Kyle first...
Hey, let's go. Sorry.
Good luck.
Good luck to you.
Yeesh.
You must not be able
to always draw people
completely accurately
at the risk of offending
them, I imagine.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, every now and then,
you get someone that's, like,
slightly offended.
I kind of miss Kyle
in a weird way.
Yeah, well, we'll always have
the memory of Kyle
in our hearts.
Yeah, that's true.
That's true.
We can always look back
and smile.
[CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
What?
Nothing.
I'm...
Just glad I met you.
That's all.
I was...
Oh.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Um...
I'm sorry.
That was...
I was supposed to kiss you
on the cheek.
Right.
[EARNEST MUSIC]
I'm supposed to kiss
you on the cheek too.
Are you free tonight?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Sure.
The future's
still a mystery
So your ex...
your ex is singing tonight?
This is the one from the hospital?
Yes, Tony.
Oh, okay.
Oh, cool.
He's really cool,
and he just got back from, like,
traveling all around the world.
Wow.
Yeah. I can't wait for you
to meet him, though.
He's gonna love you.
Oh, I can't wait
to be loved by him.
[CHUCKLES]
So I thought you said, um...
I mean, isn't he a carpenter or...
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you know,
Tony is an interesting one,
because he kind of does, like,
a little bit of everything,
so he just got into carpentry,
and he's just been doing it on the side
for friends and family.
Oh, very cool.
Yeah.
Nice.
He's like a jack-of-all-trades.
Exactly.
I can't wait to meet him.
Hey!
Jesus Christ.
Hey, man!
Tony!
Oh, Tony, hey.
It's you, right?
Hey. How's it going?
I am so fucking glad
to meet you.
Yeah. Fucking good
to meet you.
Thanks for coming up.
Mm. Wow. Looking good.
[LAUGHING] Thanks.
I love you, babe.
Oh, you know I wouldn't miss it.
Yeah?
[LAUGHS]
Come on. Let's get this
musical debacle started.
We're so excited.
Yeah.
I can't wait to hear you play.
I've heard so much about you.
Oh, that's good of
you to say, man.
Thanks a lot.
I can't wait to play,
but I went and chopped
up my paw really good.
Oh.
Tony, you have to be
more careful next time.
Yeah, okay.
You hear that?
That is exactly the reason
why she gets along with my ma.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Aw.
Oh, my God!
What?
I can't believe I
didn't think of this.
Sam plays guitar.
Seriously?
Yeah.
No.
Brother.
Oh.
You're up.
Oh, n... oh, well...
He plays!
No, no!
No, no, Tony.
Would you? Come on.
Tony, honestly...
I won't take "no" for an answer.
Please, Tony.
Don't do this to me.
Tony...
You guys ready?
Brother, you ready?
Yeah.
All right, Three, two-go.
I got to tune this up.
You know what?
I should tune.
Sorry, guys.
It's how this is... yeah.
Yeah.
Is this... this is...
You take your time, bro.
You take your time, brother.
I don't think... I'm not
really used to playing this.
It's a... I'm a righty.
He's good, right?
I mean, he does this... yeah.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
[GUITAR STRAINING]
Can you do it with him?
Oh! What? I'm sorry.
Popped-popped the old string.
Sorry, guys.
It's all right, brother.
Oh, sorry.
I owe you a guitar.
You break things.
Things break.
They're objects.
It's all right.
All right.
Thanks, brother.
This one's gonna go out
for you.
What was that?
I just... it's too hard.
Too much.
Don't worry about it.
[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]
Birdie Hazel, ladies and gents!
Bring her on up!
Come on up.
Come on up, doll.
No!
Come on.
Okay.
Okay.
[LAUGHS] Bye.
Oh, who will dress
Your pretty little feet?
Who will glove your hand?
And who will kiss
your rosy red cheeks
When I'm in a far-off land?
The storms are on the ocean
The heavens may cease to be
This world may lose
its motion, love
If I prove false to thee
[SCATTERED CHEERS]
You're so, so amazing.
Like, I had no idea
you could do that.
Oh, thanks.
[LAUGHS]
Oh. Oh, my God.
Talented.
Hi!
Oh, hey.
Hey.
This... hey.
Hi.
Hi.
This is Birdie.
I'm Ashley. We've heard
so much about you.
Hey. I'm Eliot.
Nice to meet you.
Birdie.
Yeah.
I feel like I know you already.
He won't stop talking about you.
Oh, uh... oh.
Stalker alert.
No, no.
Nothing like that.
Oh, did you tell her about
the Sacred Spirit retreat?
No, Eliot.
You guys, you don't have to come.
Sacred spirit? What? What?
It's this... go ahead.
Well, the next
one's only one night.
It's sort of a nightly camp
to kind of gather your thoughts.
It's a bunch of other people
out in nature,
to refresh your spirit.
That sounds awesome.
That's, like, right up my alley.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's cool.
It's pretty cool.
I don't know, but...
Do you... you want to go?
Really?
Yeah. I mean, really.
Is that... would that be cool?
Oh...
Absolutely.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Please. Please.
If that's okay,
that'd be great.
Yeah.
That's great.
Yes!
Oh, great.
Oh, good.
'Cause I wanted to go too, so...
Okay, good.
Perfect. Perfect.
Awesome.
Well, it was nice
to meet you guys.
Where's the nearest subway stop?
Oh, I'll walk you...
No, no. Forget it.
Get in the car. It's too cold.
Really?
Yeah. Sure.
Oh, my God. That's so nice.
Thank you.
Okay.
All right.
Uh...
Bye.
Bye.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey. Here.
Oh, I... oh.
I got it.
Where am I going?
You really got it.
Just... She seems great!
She knows not
to say anything, right?
Hey, El.
Do you have a cool,
like, hippie-type shirt
I could wear for the retreat?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yep. Just give me a minute.
What are you doing?
I'm just...
I'm looking at a magazine.
Looking at a magazine?
We got to go!
What magazine you looking at?
Martha Stewart Living.
Why...
Oh, God.
Martha Stewart?
Really?
Yeah, dude, you got to see
this Thanksgiving issue cover.
It's insane.
No, I'm good.
Buddy, we got to go.
All right.
Thanks for killing the mood.
Sorry.
You pumped for the retreat?
Pumped?
No.
Um, do you... oh.
Birdie'll love it.
Do you think?
Thanks.
She lit a fire
And now she's in my every thought
She lit a fire
And now she's in my every thought
Where
Could that girl have gone?
Where?
I've wandered far
Where
Could that girl have gone?
She left no trace
But I know her face
I will find her
It's really cold.
Ahh.
Yeah, you know, I don't...
I don't really smoke that much,
but what the hell?
Yeah, me too.
I'm not exactly the lead singer
of Phish either,
but you know what they
say... when at retreats...
You're gonna... you sure?
I'll light the old Christmas
tree whenever I get the urge.
[LAUGHTER]
What?
Christmas tree?
What?
S'mores for me.
S'mores, Sam.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Mm.
So, Birdie,
is that, like, a nickname,
or that's...
God.
No, my parents were hippies...
Mm-hmm.
And they felt like the world
was caging in on us,
so they wanted their little
girl to fly free, hence Birdie.
Birdie.
That's so cool.
[COUGHING]
Oh, no.
Oh, no?
What's wrong?
Hey, it might be the
shrooms talking to the K,
but don't you teach me guitar?
No, that's the
shrooms talking to you.
You teach me the guitar.
No, no.
[WHISPERING]
Hey, is this the chick?
No.
Is this the little pussy?
Shut up. Shut up.
Hey, guys, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go get
some s'mores, I think.
Okay.
You good?
Where you going?
Hello. Hi.
You want a s'more?
Hello?
[PSYCHEDELIC SITAR MUSIC]
What the fuck?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Sam.
Huh?
You okay?
Oh, no, I'm chillin'.
Guys, come on.
This mantra's
not gonna chant itself.
Okay!
Oh, Jesus.
Your boyfriend is killing
me with this thing.
I was doing so well too.
It was happening.
It was flowing.
Now I'm so stoned.
I'm so fucked.
I'm gonna be completely exposed.
What are you doing?
Huh?
Oh, eating helps calm me down
when I'm stressed out.
I have a medical condition.
These are disgusting.
No, what... What are you
doing with the girl?
What are you talking about?
Completely exposed?
Sam, it's a... it's a little
dramatic, I think.
Ash, look at her.
Look at this place.
It's a perfect fit.
I can't do this shit.
It's not me.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
Such a mistake.
It's called "compromise. "
Look, wine tasting isn't exactly
Eliot's, like, favorite
thing in the world.
But remember?
He took me
to the Finger Lakes last summer.
We had a really good time
'cause he knew it was something
that I had always wanted to do.
He showed me the pictures.
I know!
And, look, I am not really into
all this spiritual mumbo-jumbo...
Right?
But I come on all these
retreats with him.
Look, you don't have to love it.
You just have to try it for
the sake of your partner.
Right.
You're right.
Eyes on the prize, soldier.
Okay.
Okay.
Eyes on the prize.
Here. Take a napkin.
Uh, no. I'm good.
Eyes on the prize.
Both: Eyes on the prize.
Eyes on the prize.
Eyes on the prize.
Eyes on the prize.
[ALL CHANTING]
Eyes on the prize.
That's what I said now.
I'm the one that loves you,
baby; can't you see?
I'm the one that loves you,
baby; can't you see?
I just... just go ahead now.
If you want to buy me flowers, just...
go ahead now.
I wish I could say
that was the craziest thing
that I've ever done just now.
I-I can say that, easily.
I-I can say that I've never
started a chant before.
You had them going!
They loved it.
Yeah, that got...
It was fun.
It got intense.
Okay.
If you could go
anywhere in the world,
where would you go?
Orlando, definitely.
I've always wanted
to go to Orlando
or maybe one of the outlying
suburbs of Orlando.
[LAUGHS]
You know, I don't know.
I haven't traveled
as much as I want to.
I really want to travel.
I've never even been
outside the States.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, man.
I'd love... I'd love to go to the
Galpagos islands, though.
That's the... that's the place...
one place I'd want to go.
That's so crazy.
Why?
That's, like, the one place
on Earth I don't want to go.
Like, real...
Are you kidding?
No... well, okay.
I love what it represents,
and I-I'm in love with place, but...
Yeah.
I feel like by going there,
it would be, like, the end
of what makes it what it is.
You know?
It's like this untouched part
of the world,
and it's got
all these incredible animals
that you can't find
anywhere else,
and they're just roaming freely.
Tortoises and...
There's, like, this
natural perfection to it.
Right, so that's... What's wrong with that?
That sounds...
That sounds great.
Yeah, but I-I feel like
we'd find a way
to fuck it up, you know?
Selfishly, I'd love to go.
I'd love to experience it.
But if we got to go, then so
would bloated, pasty tourists
who want an exotic honeymoon.
No thanks.
[CHUCKLES]
You know, that's... that's exactly
how I feel about Orlando.
[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
Oh, my God.
My parents would love this.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
They must be, like,
super hippies.
Let me just put it this way:
in college, they had a band
called Hemp Hemp Hooray.
[LAUGHING] What?
That's... that's amazing.
Yeah.
Where do they live?
They live in Oregon growing
God-knows-what on their farm.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
What about you?
What about your parents?
My dad's fine.
He's up in Vermont,
living the quiet life.
He's a retired... retired
columnist, very heady.
Nice.
Yeah.
What about your mom?
Where's your mom?
My mom and I had sort of, um...
sort of an up-and-down
relationship.
Mostly down, I guess.
She left my dad for someone
else who she thought was better
and kind of stopped
talking to me in the process.
Just sort of... sort
of cut us off.
So you guys don't talk
at all anymore?
Um, no.
I... I got a card in the
mail about three years ago.
No, four, actually, now.
God.
Yeah, it was from
her new husband,
and it just said that
she'd... she'd passed away.
But, you know, we hadn't
talked in, like, five years,
so it was... it was... it
was actually...
it wasn't as bad
as it could have been.
I-I'm... I... I kind of hate
talking about this stuff.
Yeah, no. Um... We don't
have to talk about it.
I'm...
I'm so sorry.
No, no.
It's okay.
It's all right.
I'm just... I'm...
I'm just stoned, and it's a lot.
I love this stuff, though, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
I think we are who we are
when we're with the people
that make us feel the most alive.
I don't know.
I feel very alive right now.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
[SNIFFLES]
I-I can't...
I can't decide which is better...
the fact that it's minus
20 degrees out
or the millions of twigs jabbing
me in the ass right now.
[LAUGHS]
I know.
I have, like, a root jabbing me.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I'll jab you with a root.
[STIFLED LAUGHTER]
Sorry.
That's... that's too bad,
'cause I really love dirty
nature double entendres.
Oh, yeah?
Mm-hmm.
Try saying that ten times fast.
Dirty nature double entendres.
It can't be done.
It's impossible.
Dirty...
nature...
double...
entendres.
I think I can feel that root
you were talking about.
Oh, dear.
It's growing.
[LAUGHS]
Really?
Hey.
Hey.
I think...
I think we're good to go.
Yeah. Good.
Hey, um... I got to go help El
with the rest of the stuff.
Okay.
I told her about
my mother last night.
Such an idiot.
Guarantee she's putting
the pieces together.
I don't know.
She seems down.
Yeah.
El, she's down with the fake me.
It's fucking stupid.
I should never have done this.
Well, I don't know.
I think you're pretty awesome.
You just seem...
[MUFFLED] I don't know. Mm.
You just need to...
to be totally honest
with you right now...
Yeah?
What?
Are you driving?
Not at the moment,
but I was about to.
Give me the keys.
[CHEERY MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
Hello?
Hey, I love it, my man.
I love where this thing is going.
You do?
Yeah.
That's... that's great.
I'm I'm I'm really
glad you're into it.
I'm more than into it.
You got my elegant wife
and this pack of
whores she runs with
cunt-bumping over this thing.
Oh, that's awful.
Yeah, trust me, no one's
ever gonna call you
a hack writer again.
Okay, wait.
Alan, who keeps...
Sorry.
I got another call coming in.
I have to jump, okay?
I love you.
Okay.
Love you too.
Bobby.
What have you got for me, Al?
Was that Birdie?
What? Uh, no.
It was Alan.
Oh.
You got to help me come up
with a date for Birdie.
I've gone through
everything on the page.
She hasn't updated it in weeks.
I need something.
So why don't you go somewhere
where you want to go
for a change,
you know, something
from your profile?
Yeah, but it's got to
be up her alley.
You're up her alley, douche.
Well, how about the... that
prop shop place you love?
Go there on a date?
What would we do?
Uh, shop, talk, not be obsessed
with being someone else.
I don't know.
I have no idea if she'd be
into that kind of stuff.
It seems incredibly risky.
Oh, man.
Nope. Got to stick to the plan.
Ooh!
Oh, boy.
It's all coming back to you, right?
Oh, yeah.
It's like riding a bike...
A really steep, difficult bike.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, Jesus.
And there comes a time
When you, when you...
What is that?
Fuck!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
In third-century Japan...
So quit
So quit all that runnin'
The birds on the street
Oh, the sweat in your pores
Oh, stay free
Switch seats.
Why?
Ah!
[GIGGLES]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[RHYTHMIC SLOSHING]
Nosy parker.
Sorry.
I'm sorry it's raining.
[LAUGHING]
Well, it's okay.
It's not entirely your fault.
Heh. Yeah.
I'm excited, though.
This seems really cool.
Well, don't get too excited.
I mean, I like it, but, you
know, to each his own.
So they... they're props from all...
these are all props from movies.
They keep them here.
This is so cool.
I love it.
I feel like a kid in here.
I just want to play
with everything.
Right?
That's the point, and you can.
Yes.
I'm gonna wear this
to the Kentucky Derby.
It's... I don't know if you're
even doing a joke,
'cause it's... it's actually nice on you.
I'm gonna wear this to something.
[LAUGHS]
[GASPS]
Oh, my God, look.
This is perfect.
Oh, my God.
Look. Yes.
Oh.
[GASPS]
That's so good.
Ah, it brings me back.
It's crazy.
It brings you back?
To what?
Your tour of duty in Iwo Jima?
[LAUGHING] Yeah.
No, what does it
remind you of, though?
Seriously.
Oh...
Nothing.
I... nothing.
Oh, come on. I want to know.
No, no, I was just...
It's not even like
I'm, like, holding out
with some great thing.
Okay, so tell me.
It's not a big deal.
I was... I was in the Boy Scouts.
I was a Boy Scout.
Ah, that's so cute.
Oh, God, why wouldn't you want
to tell me that?
That's adorable!
Ah.
Did your parents
make you do it as a kid?
Sort of.
You know, you can...
People don't know this,
but you can be in the Boy Scouts
till you're 18.
It's not just, like, little...
Were you in the Boy Scouts
till you were 18?
Yeah. I wasn't as into... I was
really more into it... I know.
See, it's not cute.
No, it's so good.
Wait, please tell me
you still have the uniform.
Well, yeah.
Sadly, I think it probably fits me.
Okay, well, you're gonna
have to wear this
for me at some point,
because I actually find that
really sexy.
You do?
I do.
It's weird,
but I'm I'm serious.
Really?
Everyone's allowed, like, a
nerdy skeleton in their closet.
Oh, yeah?
Well, just one?
Actually, no.
You're allowed a whole
closetful of nerd skeletons.
Well, I would... I would...
I would need an industrial-sized
walk-in closet, then...
Oh, really?
For all my nerdy skeletons.
Give me another...
give me another example, then.
No.
A really nerdy one.
I mean, there are just so many.
No, I'm serious, really.
Just one more.
I feel like one nerdy
skeleton a day revealed is...
No.
No, I definitely...
The nerdier, the sexier.
You know that, right?
Okay.
Well, in that case, uh...
I was in a band.
That's not that nerdy.
That's cool.
Well... Unless you're, like,
a New Kid on the Block.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
I was the... I was the
lost Wahlberg brother.
I knew it!
I'm Wally Wahlberg.
You look so much alike.
Right?
I get that all the time.
Mostly in the ab region.
No, really, what did you do?
Did you play guitar
or something?
Uh...
Oh, man.
What'd you do?
I... I did bass.
You did bass?
Mm-hmm.
That's either an expression
I've never heard,
or something's going on here.
Well, I... yeah, I mean,
if you consider the voice
an instrument, I played.
Were there any actual
instruments in this band?
No, ma'am.
This is an a cappella group, isn't it?
Nope.
You were in an a cappella group.
In an a cappella band, yes.
I was in an a cappella band.
I can't believe you were
in an a cappella group,
and you didn't tell me.
Well, why...
[LAUGHING]
Why would I tell you that?
Because it's awesome,
and we could have harmonized.
This is... is not so awesome.
There were as many women
in this band
as there were instruments.
That's the...
This was an all-male a cappella group?
It was an all-male a cappella group.
Oh, my God.
Yes, ma'am.
It was a man band, so
get it... get it straight.
Oh, there's nothing straight about it.
[BOTH LAUGH]
There is to find
For I don't know
It's my first time
[MUFFLED CONVERSATION]
I'm so disgusted right now.
I can't even... I'm out of here.
Go fuck yourself, Eliot!
[DOOR SLAMS]
What was that?
She saw all of it, man.
Jamie Lee Curtis, Kathleen
Turner, Christie Brinkley.
Fuck Wait. Kathleen Turner?
Really?
Dude...
I'm sorry.
Wait. Hold on.
Hold on.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
She gave me an ultimatum.
[CHUCKLES]
Either the file goes or
she goes, so she went.
Wait a second.
You're talking about
a bunch of photos
of old celebrities that you jerk
off to and your girlfriend,
and you picked the photos?
Just because I'm keeping the file
doesn't mean that I love her any less.
Why not just do whatever
makes her happy?
Or if you got to keep 'em,
just lie to her and say
you threw them out.
It's not just about
the stupid fucking pictures!
I don't even... I don't care.
It's just how much of myself,
of what makes me who I am,
can I just erase or...
or throw out?
Fuck it.
I'm sorry for waking you up.
It's okay.
So I have a surprise
for the recital next Friday.
Oh, yeah?
Yep.
You're full of surprises.
My parents are coming.
Whoa.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
They're really nice.
They're really mellow, so
it's no pressure at all.
Okay.
[UPBEAT TANGO MUSIC]
Do you, um... Do you want to
come upstairs for a nightcap?
A nightcap?
What year is this?
Shut up.
I assumed that you knew
that "nightcap" is a
euphemism for sexy time.
Ah, no. No.
I never heard that.
I'd love to come up
and nightcap you,
but I don't think the Indian
food and the dance moves
are really joining
in perfect harmony.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
Oh.
Well, s... yeah.
Just get some rest and call
me if you need anything.
I will. I will.
You don't look good.
I'll be okay.
Well, tonight was really nice.
Yeah.
"I have learned that to be
with those I like is enough. "
[CHUCKLES]
It's... it's Walt Whitman.
Yeah, I know.
What?
Nothing.
[CHUCKLES]
No, what?
Uh...
I think, um...
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Birdie, you're... you're amazing.
Good night.
Good night.
Holy shit.
She said she loved me.
Can you believe that?
How could she possibly
say that and mean it?
She loves me?
And she wants me to meet
her parents on Friday.
El, she doesn't even
know me, this girl.
Oh, man.
I am... I am eating ice cream
in the middle of winter.
I'm quoting Whitman randomly.
If she thinks this is who I am,
she's in for a rude awakening.
That's all I can say.
I, uh... I got to write a little bit,
but if you need me,
I'll be in my room.
Oh, how am I doing?
Oh, thanks so much for asking.
[UP-TEMPO PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh.
Hello?
Morning, sunshine.
Alan, hey.
What time is it?
Listen, it's early,
but I couldn't wait.
I got those pages you
emailed me last night.
Oh. yeah?
You like?
I likey very much.
I likey long time.
That's why I'm calling.
I'm calling to see if we
can get a pitch session
set together to come up
with the ending
and go over some ideas for it.
Let's say next Friday at 6:00.
Oh, uh, actually, you know, I...
I got this dance recital thing.
[LAUGHS]
That's a good one.
But seriously, how's Friday
gonna be, next Friday?
Uh, yeah, sure.
That'll work.
All right, it's on.
I'm excited.
That's great.
So what are you doing tonight?
I'd like to get my guy a beer.
You know, Alan, I can't.
My...
This girl I've been seeing,
she's got this surprise
planned for us.
All right.
Listen, I got to go.
I got to get back to writing.
But I'll see you next Friday.
Okay. I'm psyched up.
I love you, pal.
I love you too.
Triple Xs, triple Os.
You too.
[SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES]
I'm so excited.
Me too.
All right.
I'm nervous.
Now, you have to close
your eyes
till I tell you to open them.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay.
I might need some help.
Yeah. I'll lead you.
Okay. Sorry.
All righty.
Here we go.
Walk straight.
Okay.
'Kay.
All right. Open 'em.
'Kay.
Wow.
Isn't this awesome?
Ha!
My friend works here.
Had to promise my first... born
child to get the keys,
but what do you think?
Those are Andrew Wyeths.
I know.
He's my favorite artist.
Yeah, I know.
Really?
Yeah.
You know who mine is?
No.
I don't have one.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh... Do you want some bourbon?
No, I'm good.
Really? Just a toast?
To what?
I don't know.
To us.
Do you have anything
besides bourbon?
No, no.
This is all I have.
Ah.
Yeah, no.
I'm good.
That's crazy.
My mom used to wear her hair
in braids just like this.
They call these the, uh...
the Helga paintings.
Andrew's wife walked
into his studio one day
and found, like, 240 paintings
of this other woman.
Turns out it was their
next-door neighbor Helga.
Well, life's a bitch.
[SIGHS]
God, I wish I could paint like that.
I bet you could.
You're so talented.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, okay.
Are you, uh... are you hungry?
You want some food?
I just ate.
It's okay.
Sam, what's going on?
What do you mean?
Do you want to be
here right now?
What are you talking about?
Okay, I'm...
I'm just starting to feel
like some annoying
girl you just met
that you're trying to get rid of.
I-I-I have a lot of shit
on my mind, is all.
But I'm making a lot of headway
with my writing.
Really good stuff.
That Teen Vampire 2?
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
Is that what you think?
You think... you think
I'm a hack writer, don't you?
No.
No, no. God.
No, that's not what I meant.
It's all right.
I get it.
You know, I... I kind of
prefer this to the Wyeths.
Is this because
I-I told you that I...
you know, about what I
said the other night?
Come on.
I see what's going on here.
It's a little weird, don't you think?
I mean, you invite me
to this private viewing
of your favorite artist's paintings
with your favorite liquor
and your favorite bread
and your favorite cheese.
If you're not into it,
we don't have to...
No, no, no.
I get it, okay?
I'm... I'm meat loaf, and you
want fucking filet mignon.
What are you even
talking about?
I'm exhausted!
The rock climbing, the guitar,
and the cooking...
The cooking?
I'm just trying to keep up
with you, Birdie,
and it's not easy.
Okay, no.
I don't want you
to keep up with me, okay?
That... none of that stuffs
important to me.
Can I tell you something?
Honestly, I think you're better
off with someone else.
Like Tony...
outgoing, talented, worldly.
He's... he's perfect for you.
What? No.
Tony is my friend, okay?
Dating the guy was
a complete nightmare.
You're being ridiculous.
Am I really?
Who's my favorite author?
I don't... I don't know.
Carlos Castaneda?
No.
What's my favorite dessert?
[SCOFFS]
I don't know.
Why don't you tell me?
See, don't you think it's strange
that y... y... you don't
know those things?
Uh, no.
Honestly, no.
There's a lot of stuff
you don't know about me, either.
But what's the point?
We are so different.
There... there's too much...
I've barely traveled,
and you're like
a fucking Peace Corps veteran.
I don't even know...
What do you see in me, huh?
And what's to say you won't
just take off and leave
whenever you want?
That is kind of
your philosophy, right?
When life gives you
something better,
you just... you take off.
Right?
That's what you think?
You think
I'm just waiting around
till something better
comes along?
Well, I don't know.
You tell me.
That was the first time
I've ever told a guy
that I love him.
Do you know how shitty
it was for me
to get that response from you?
So why are you here?
Because, idiot...
I like you, whether you
choose to believe it or not.
So if you don't think that I
know you because I don't know
what your fucking favorite
dessert is, then please tell me
so I can stop imagining
that this might
actually go somewhere.
One more drink
'fore I split town
Pulled up in a rose-pink Cadillac
He was singing with the top
down Girl from the North
Dylan and Johnny Cash
He won the car in a card game
Listened to the boss
And keeps his clothes
in a gunnysack
She said,
"Tell you what, sailor
"If you take me out of here,
I'll do anything that you ask
"'Cause I don't want to die
like the people down here
but I feel
that I'm fading fast"
And he looked over
to her chestnut hair
And said,
"I don't believe in love"
But he knew good and well
she was the only girl there
So he figured
it was close enough
Hey! Hey! Hold it!
Hold it! Fuck! Hey!
Thank you.
Hi. How are you?
I have an...
There he is.
Alan.
The writing machine.
Hey.
How you doing?
Good.
I'm surprised you got
any blood in those fingers
after all the writing
you've been doing.
Yeah.
Get yourself in here.
Okay.
You know my partner, Scott.
Yes.
We spoke on the phone.
How are you?
So nice to meet you.
Yeah. Welcome. Sit down.
Thank you.
I like the man bag.
Oh, thanks, Alan.
I like what it says about you.
Yeah?
Hope there's a couple
more gems in that one.
Well, me too.
Help yourself to a
pastry, a little fruit.
No, thank you.
Why don't you
knock out a cantaloupe?
You've been writing, cooped up.
It's got some micronutrients in it.
Knock a cantaloupe out.
Okay.
Yeah.
Pop it in there.
Eat it.
Okay, so as an overall, general note,
the stream-of-consciousness
narration's working great.
Great.
It is very clear
that this guy is beyond lost
and has no clue how to navigate
his own obtuse actions.
Okay, but what I like is,
he doesn't understand how the
real world works... Right.
And he's too afraid to show
himself to the real world,
and these are the seeds
of his own undoing.
Oh, I don't...
He's a child.
Yes.
He's wandering alone
in the woods, right,
lost in the ether
of his own neuroses.
And this is powerful stuff.
Yeah.
He's saying you wrote
the perfect pussy.
The perfect pussy?
Yeah, the perfect pussy.
Now, around chapter 12...
and I'm sorry to interrupt...
but it's at this point in the
story that it's pretty obvious
that I completely side with the girl.
See, for me,
it's more around 11 or 10.
With the girl?
Are you kidding?
Well, I think what you do is great,
'cause you have a protagonist,
and then you, like a relay race,
hand off the baton and say,
"Now we're gonna root for this girl. "
And I think you do it
in a way that's elegant
but, at the same time,
not subtle.
Yeah, and if I may, like,
how do you not love her?
And he is such
a spineless, pathetic...
He's a eunuch, is what he is.
That's exactly...
You know what I'm saying?
And I don't mean it literally,
'cause, clearly, they have...
there's scenes between 'em that
we know what we're talking about,
but he's a eunuch
in more ways than one.
I, uh...
So the point is...
Do you feel
what I'm saying, though?
I do.
So okay.
How would
this metaphorical "eunuch"
be at all redeemable in her eyes?
Hold on, guys.
All due respect,
this was not my intention
when I wrote the story at all.
This was not what I was going for.
Come again?
Well, I mean, she's so carried
away with this whole thing.
She's the one
that puts pressure on it.
She... she makes it heavy.
No.
What... how can you say that?
There's no real connection
between them.
It's not his fault.
No connection?
They were in love.
He just wasn't cognizant enough
to see it.
Exactly, and now all she can do
is accept the fact
that he's completely inept.
That's right.
He had it.
He lost it because he suffocated
her with his own fear.
In the end, I mean,
it's obvious
that it can only be one thing,
and that's
that he's destined to be alone.
And it's really honest,
and it's really simple.
Uh-huh.
He's cut everyone out.
He's gonna continue to do that.
It's not like he's gonna get
over his issues with his mom
and all that stuff.
He's giving up
on something great.
He's gonna spend
the rest of his life
crippled by the fact that
he wasn't able to show her love.
And if he did wake up,
it would be a lot of substances
and a lot of years later.
Mm-hmm.
And at that point, she would
have banged half of Manhattan,
so he wouldn't want her anyway,
So romance or no romance,
it's... it's over with.
Yeah.
[TANGO MUSIC PLAYING]
That was insane!
Mercedes and Roberto!
[APPLAUSE]
Hey! Taxi!
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
You better hang on
to your oxygen tanks,
ladies and gentlemen,
because up next, we
have Henry and Harriet.
[APPLAUSE]
Cookie and Fritz, everybody!
Cookie and Fritz!
One more time!
We only have a few couples left.
On deck, the lovely
Birdie and her companion,
the delectable Raymond.
But first, Earl and Sally,
or, as they're known
collectively...
Wow Factor.
What are you guys doing here?
What are you doing here?
We came to watch Birdie dance.
Where is she?
She's over there.
She's about to go on.
Okay.
Give me your stuff.
Give me your stuff.
Okay.
Get yourself together.
Oh, my God.
You look crazy.
Huh?
Oh, shoot.
Okay. Good?
Get in there.
How are you guys doing?
We're... we're great.
Yeah.
We're... we're compromising.
Compromising.
That's great.
That's so good.
Get in there.
All right. Okay.
Birdie.
Hi.
Hi.
You look amazing.
Where... where are your parents?
Um, I...
I called them off.
I didn't think you were coming.
Right. Sorry.
Can we go somewhere
for a second and just talk?
Can I-I need to...
We can talk right here.
I love you.
Oh, Sam, you...
you don't have to...
I know.
I know.
But I-I do.
I am in love with you.
I love you so much.
It feels really good to say.
I'm sorry I didn't say it the
other day, but I didn't know
if I knew in the right way,
but now I know
that I-I-I knew in every way.
I knew it.
I know it, you know?
[SIGHS]
Does that make any sense?
Not really.
Okay, wait.
The guy that you fell in love with...
You.
No, the guy who, like, plays
guitar and likes pedicures
and is thinking about
getting a tattoo...
that's not entirely who I am.
I based all of that
on your Facebook page
because I-I wanted
to be your ideal guy.
[SNIFFLES]
I know.
What?
I know.
You're not exactly the most
subtle guy in the world, Sam.
You knew the whole time?
Yeah.
The Origin of Species?
Come on.
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to put
myself out there
and not have a connection.
I was so afraid.
But it's there.
It's been there the whole time.
Can we please start over, Birdie?
With every passing day
I'll be
No.
But we can pick up
where we left off.
[SIGHS]
Oh, thank you.
I can't believe you knew
about the profile thing,
and you didn't tell me.
Yeah, I even... I even started
putting stuff on there
just to see if you would do it.
Are you kidding?
No.
Like the rock climbing?
What?
Yeah.
That was the worst!
You're the worst!
[LAUGHS]
Hey, can I tell you
something now?
I should come clean with this.
I was actually making up
the whole male a cappella group thing.
Mm.
Nice try.
[CHUCKLES]
Ladies and gentlemen,
I believe we have a change
in the roster this evening.
Scratch Raymond.
[INHALES SHARPLY]
This dance will be
Birdie and...
Whoever you are.
May I have this dance?
Yes.
What the fuck?
Oh, Raymond, I'm so sorry.
Let me explain.
My girlfriend didn't know
I was coming to this thing
'cause I'm kind of a jackass.
You better watch out.
If you ever leave her side
again, I'm swooping in!
Don't worry about that.
[THE MORNING BENDERS' EXCUSES PLAYING]
[DRAMATIC ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC]
So...
Did you finish your book?
Almost.
But I think the ending's
about to change.
You tried to taste me
And I taped my tongue
To the southern tip
of your body
But bones are too heavy
to come up
Squished into a single cell
of wood
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah
And I made an excuse
And you found another way
To tell the truth
I put no one else above us
We'll still be best friends
When all turns to dust
Dust
Dust
Dum, da-dum
Da-dum
Da-da, dum
Da-dum
Da-da, dum
Da-dum
Da-da, dum
Da-dum
Da-dum
Da-da-da, da-da
Da-da, dum
Da-dum
Da-dum
Da-da-da, da-da
Da-da, dum
Da, da, da, da
Da-dum
Da-da, dum
Da, da, da, da
We are so smooth now
Da-da-da, da-da da, da
Our edges are beaten
Driftwood whittled down
Da-da-da, da-da da, da
Old bodies slip
When they make love
Da-da-da, da-da, da, da
We'll mine our sparks
To shoot us above
Da-da-da, da-da, da, da
Above
Da-da-da, da-da-da, da
Above
Da-da-da, da-da, da, da
Above
Da-da-da, da-da, da, da
Above
Da-da-da, da-da, da, da
Above
Da-da-da, da-da, da, da
Dum
Da-dum
Da-da-da, da-da, da, da
Da-dum
Da-dum
Da-da-da, da-da, da, da
Da-dum
[MUSIC FADES]
[MEN VOCALIZING]
Doo-wop, doo-wop
Doo-doo-bop
Doo-wop, doo-wop,
dun-dun-dun-dun-dun
New love is a-coming
Wine and roses all the way
Little girl, stop crying
I will take your blues away
Oh-oh, oh-oh
I'm in love with you
Oh-oh, oh-oh
I'll be true to you
Doo-wop, doo-wop
doo-doo-bop
Doo-wop, doo-wop
Um-bum-bum-bum-bum
New love is a-coming
Kiss me, honey, wear my ring
You know I've been smiling
Pleasantries are on the wing
Oh-oh, oh-oh
I'm in love with you
Oh-oh, oh-oh
I'll be true to you
Doo-wop, doo-wop
doo-doo-bop
Doo-wop, doo-wop
Um-bum-bum-bum-bum
New love is a-coming
Kiss me, honey, wear my ring
You know I've been smiling
Pleasantries are on the wing
Oh-oh, oh-oh
I'm in love with you
Oh-oh, oh-oh
I'll be true to you
Doo-wop, doo-wop
doo-doo-bop
Doo-wop, doo-wop
Um-bum-bum-bum-bum
New love is a-coming
Wine and roses all the way
Little girl, stop crying
I will take your blues away
Oh-oh, oh-oh
I'm in love with you
Oh-oh, oh-oh
I'll be true to you
Doo-dun, doo-dun,
doo-doo, doo, doo-dun
Doo-wop, doo-wop
doo-doo-wop
Doo-wop, doo-wop