1
The things you need to know
about Charlene.
Me and her have been thick as thieves
since we were nine.
Since we met in third class.
What to say about her?
Charlene is loyal...
And honest and a very good person.
She's a kind of girl that,
if you're friends with her,
she'll always have your back.
Not just from when fights break out but
like with small things as well.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is
that she's kind-hearted.
As most of you's know already.
Mary?
- See ya.
- See ya, sweetheart.
See ya, Mary.
This train is serving
all stations to Drogheda,
all stations to Drogheda.
Fuck sake.
Come on!
About fuckin' time.
We missed ya.
Yeah, right.
Ya know we did.
What time is Charlene coming over?
She said she's up to her eyes. She'll
see ya at the fitting in the morning.
She hasn't seen me in six months.
Be nice to her, Mary.
She stood by ya this past while.
A lot of them didn't, all right?
There's a picture of her dress on me phone.
Who's the other bridesmaid?
Leona.
Like to see that fat cunt fit into a dress.
She lost the weight.
I'm sure she'll find it again.
Mary!
What, Mother?
Just be nice, will ya?
Come on.
Hello and welcome
to a special episode of Crossfire,
where four well known personalities
must avoid getting...
All right?
There's a load of Polish after
movin' in next door.
Hi, this is Charlene.
Leave a message.
Hey, it's me.
What's the story?
Thought we were meant
to be going out tonight.
If I have to spend my first night
of freedom in with me ma and nan,
I'll actually poke me eyes out.
So hurry up and get back to me.
Bye!
I was waitin' here for an hour last week.
Fuck sake.
Come on, let's take
it easy there, please.
Maybe we should get a few cans,
head off somewhere else.
What are you staring at, sweet cheeks?
- Sorry, what?
- "Sorry, what"?
I said, what are you staring at?
Do you want your go or somethin'?
I'll fuckin' slap the Day-Glo tits off her.
Hound.
All right and now we got the fuckin' rat.
Mary, I'm gonna have to ask you
to step outside.
I didn't do anything.
- Don't even put your hands on me.
- Calm down.
- I didn't do anything. What did I...
- Calm down.
- Tell me what I did.
- You where hassling that girl.
How could I hass...
She's the one staring at me out of it.
- Pikin' me out of it.
- Will you just walk please?
Oh, you's are fuckin' fools in here.
You're after making a fuckin' show of me.
I'll ask you to step outside.
You know what, I'd advise yous all
to fuck off out of here.
Run by cunts, absolute cunts.
Don't mind her.
All fuckin' knackers.
Just go home, Mary.
The things ya need to know
about Charlene.
When me and her were in school,
all the other girls
would have stayed away from us.
This is cos they knew we were tough.
And if they said anything smart
they were gonna get a slap.
We didn't care though.
Cos the only people we ever wanted
to hang out with was each other.
Gorgeous.
- Do you think the length is OK?
- Perfect for dancing...
- Yeah?
- ...once you wear those shoes.
- Are you definite on this?
- Mmm, I'm not sure.
Well, there's actually a
bustle at the back
- that you can hook up and...
- Alright,
- Makes it easier for dancing.
- Great.
- OK.
- Sorry, can I help you?
Hey.
Hey.
Come here.
Oh, careful.
Em, this is Sally, the dressmaker.
This is Mary, my maid of honour.
- Hey, Mary.
- And you remember Leona, don't you?
Yeah.
- Will you lift that up there for me?
- Yeah.
- That's perfect, Sally.
- OK.
Isn't she gorgeous?
What're you wearing?
What are you wearing?
What do you mean?
It looks like a little tablecloth.
Jesus, Mary.
What?
You smell of booze.
Yeah, well, I thought we were meant
to go out last night.
Yeah, sorry.
Just been a bit mad with all of this.
Missed ya.
Here, hold that.
I got you this.
- What's this for?
- You've to make a speech at the weddin',
...and just with your accent.
I've the same accent as you.
What're you laughin' at?
Nothin'.
Nothin' is right.
Laugh at me again and watch what happens.
Excuse me, do you realise
you're actually the maid of honour?
It is your duty to the bride
to turn up for fittings on time
and to organise everyone on the day
and show up with a nice fella
that matches your dress.
What's that mean?
Mary.
I wouldn't worry about her
turnin' up with a fella, Sally.
Chance'll be a fine thing.
Think I can get a fella quicker
than you, Leona.
And how'd you work that one out'?
I've been with the same chap
the past five years.
Who?
Seamus McCrory.
- Who?
- He was the year behind us in school.
The little midget who used to do football
in his underpants, him?
That was fuckin' years ago, Mary.
People don't forget, Leona.
Yeah, well, at least I
have a fuckin' boyfriend.
I wouldn't touch him with yours.
You're not even getting a plus one.
Charlene has given it to Declan's cousin.
Jesus Christ! You think we could
focus on me for a while now?
Come here, what was it like?
Would have been nice to hear from you.
Said you didn't want visitors.
You could have wrote, like.
You should have told me, like...
Where the fuck is he?
Just text him and tell him
we're goin' drinkin'.
- No.
- Please?
No!
Why not?
Cos the wedding is this day, three weeks,
and I've fuckin' a hundred
and one things to be doin'.
How come I didn't get a plus one?
Cos the plates are like 60 quid.
Everyone you know is gonna be there.
What?
Nothin'.
Sap.
- You're a sap.
- You're a sap.
There he is now, look.
Right, this is for you.
Now, are you sure you're OK doin' all this?
Cos I can get Leona to help if you want.
Right, OK, cool?
- Call you later, right?
- Yeah.
So, basically,
if you punch in something wrong
you just hit void and start again, OK?
It's a piece of piss, really.
Just ask Udel if you need
anything, all right?
I'm on the same shift as you tomorrow.
So I'll see you then, yeah?
OK.
- Thanks.
- No bother.
- Where are you from yourself'?
- Nigeria.
Do you have a girlfriend?
- I have a wife.
- Oh.
I knew the first night I met Declan,
that he was the one for Charlene.
He was a kind-hearted bloke.
And a nice man.
Plus, he bought the two of us loads
of drinks, so that was cool.
Char was always the confident one
with fellas.
Whereas with me,
I never really bothered that much
cos I think most fellas from Drogheda
are all dopes.
No offence, to any of ya's
here tonight, though.
It's shit around here now.
Everything's changed.
You're still selling gear?
Nah...
I'm working as a postman.
Your da set that up?
Yeah. Nice one, da.
Do you wanna go on a date sometime?
What?
A date.
Why?
I don't know.
We never did that.
- So?
- Maybe we should.
- For the laugh.
- What are you on about?
I suppose.
Any interest in goin' to a weddin', no?
I'll see ya around, yeah?
Yeah.
Dates.
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So why not visit us today?
- Yeah.
- Are you Jess?
Yeah.
I'm Charlene Duffy's maid of honour.
I'm here to pay a deposit
for the weddin' video.
Uh, any chance
you can come back in an hour?
No.
Hey. Um... Uh, come in.
I actually thought this job was cancelled
when I never heard from her.
Here, em.
Where am I, again?
Bewley Mews
Uh, what's the... What's the date again?
28th of March.
Oh, shit.
- What?
- I actually can't do it. I have a gig that night.
What?
I have a gig with my band.
Well, can you not cancel that?
No.
Why not?
Because I don't want to.
It's fine. I have a number
here I can give you.
No, she wanted you.
I'm sure Charlene will get over it.
No, she really won't.
What do you want me to do?
Fine.
I will cancel my gig for you.
Thanks.
Bridezilla, huh?
Mind your own business.
What's, eh...
What's her name, again?
Jess.
OK, you owe me.
Oh, thank you.
- Seriously, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Eh, Jess, I'm gonna head on.
Do you want my digits?
- Uh...
- He forgot your name a minute ago.
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
You just asked me what her name was.
Uh, it's fine.
- I didn't want his number anyway.
- Bye.
Well played.
I have me moments.
- The deposit.
- Oh, thank you.
So I guess I'll see you on the 28th, then.
Yeah.
- You're a good egg.
- You, too.
Door opening.
"You're a good egg"?
Fuckin' asshole.
Door closing.
Order for McArdle.
Um, just a minute.
Thanks.
There's Mary.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, Mary.
- Hi.
Do you wanna join us?
It's Leona's birthday.
- No.
- All right
Happy birthday.
So I just came to say that I met a fella.
So I might need that plus one after all.
Oh!
What do you mean "Oh"?
I'm not a fuckin' leper, Charlene.
I know. Stop cursin' at me.
Sorry.
So, who is he?
- You don't know him.
- Yeah, well, what's his name?
John.
"John" what?
Carter.
From Mars?
What?
The film.
So, can he come or not?
Yeah. Course.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
See you's.
- See you, Mary.
- See you, Mary.
John Carter? Seriously?
She's fine.
Hey, it's me.
- Hiya.
- So, listen.
I was thinking it could be good for us
to meet John Carter before the weddin'.
Who?
Your boyfriend.
Oh, yeah.
So why don't the two of you's come over
for a beer or somethin' on Saturday?
You can see the new house as well.
- He's workin'.
- Oh?
What's he do?
Works in a bar.
Where?
- McPhails?
- Mary, the barmen in there are really hot.
Which one is he?
The tall one with short hair.
The one with all the tatts?
No. No tatts.
Look, you probably don't know him.
He keeps to himself.
Anyway, he's workin' Saturday.
Shit.
I could still come over.
Ah no. You're all right.
Come here, em...
He's not weird or anything, is he?
- What?
- You know what I mean.
No, he's not weird.
Cool.
It'd be good to meet him anyway.
Maybe next week?
Yeah. I'll say it to him.
Thanks, babes.
The things you need to know
about Charlene.
What kind of man you want?
One that's free to go to a weddin'
on the 28th of March.
- That's it?
- Yeah.
But what kind of men do you like?
I mean, Polish, Irish, what?
- Any.
- Look, in the agency
we have older men for older women, yeah?
But I'll find you a nice boy, OK? Stand up.
Photo.
Now, ready? Smile.
Mmm? A bit more.
A bit more.
Ta-da!
I'm giving you
the famous J-Lo glow.
It's excitin', isn't it?
No.
Any advice?
You're askin' her for advice?
Yes, Mam. She's asking me for advice.
I'm a woman. I've been taken out by men.
A fuckin' sniper wouldn't take you out.
I don't remember
gettin' any pearls of wisdom off you.
You're done.
- How do I look?
- Like a whore.
I believe you're lookin' to find someone
to go to a wedding?
Me and Char have known
our fair share of hard times.
When Char's gran died, I was there for her.
When stuff was goin' on for me,
she was always there for me, too.
As they say, Hard times will always reveal
true friendship.
And ours is very true.
Ours is the most true.
Ours is...
Hi, this is Charlene.
Leave a message.
Hey, it's me.
So I was readin' this really interesting
thing in the paper earlier.
It said that the best night ever
to go out with Mary is a Tuesday night?
So...
Call me back.
So, do you do
anything like that yourself?
- What?
- Like sport or drama?
No.
Any interests at all?
No.
This is the first one of these where
I've actually had a good feelin'.
You just seem to be really sound
and funny.
And you're proper hot.
The fact that you need someone
to bring to your friend's weddin'
and I need someone
to bring to my brother's weddin'...
...it could be perfect.
Oh, fuck me.
You're my boyfriend, your name is John.
I've got this.
Hello!
Hi, what are you doin' here?
Oh, I was passing on me way from work.
And who do we have here?
Charlene, this is John Carter,
the chap I was tellin' you about.
John, this is Charlene.
I believe I'm comin' to your weddin'.
Wow. He's cute.
Thanks.
Well, it was good to see ya, Char.
He's fuckin' gorgeous, Mary.
Yep.
Can I ask you somethin'?
This is gonna seem really weird
cos I just met you but...
would you like to be a groomsman?
It's just Declan, me fella, he doesn't
really have any good-lookin' friends,
and it'd be deadly to have at least one
good-lookin' chap in the photographs.
Er... Sure.
You did well, hun.
I sure did.
By the way, the hen's is on Friday.
The theme is Mamma Mia!
What's that mean?
Ya come dressed as a
character from the film.
What, like Meryl Streep?
No. Leona got Meryl Streep.
We put all the names in a hat
And you got Stellan Skarsgrd.
OK? See ya Friday.
Looks like you're coming to a weddin'.
Bring it on, chicken.
You're gonna have to dial down the camp.
Er, I'm not camp.
Eh, yeah, ya are.
What?
I'm sorry. I'll... I'll go to
your brother's weddin'.
Aw, fuck off!
The things you need
to know about Charlene.
Me and her share the
best memories together.
Like the weekends.
When the two of us would go clubbin'.
This is when we'd really
get to let our hair down.
Nights that felt like they
went on forever and ever.
Like me and her were the only
two people left in the world.
- Hey.
- I might head on.
OK, then.
Oh, you text me John Carter's
number in the morning?
- Who?
- Your boyfriend.
Oh.
- What?
- Nothin'. I was just...
...thinkin' of breakin' up with him.
Jesus, Mary, do you not recognise
a good thing when it lands in your lap?
Ya don't even know him.
He could be a fuckin' dick.
Yeah, well, he's not.
Oh, would you check your email cos
I sent ya your speech.
I thought I was supposed to write it.
Well, I did it for ya.
Right?
Nice outfit.
- Weddin' video.
- Wedding video.
How's it goin'?
Good. So what are you up to?
Nothin'.
Are you here with mates?
Yeah.
Sorry, I just have to...
Hello?
Fuck off.
There's a queue out here!
- Are you the one doin' all the bangin'?
- There's people waiting...
- So what'?
- So, like, will you hurry fuckin' up?
Say that again.
Move!
You're after breaking
a glass in me fuckin' hand!
Ya See that? Fuckin' lawsuit.
You all right?
Did ya enjoy the show?
What show?
You do realise you're bleeding?
You didn't have to come with me.
I know.
Good night?
Hardly.
You?
It was OK.
Actually it was kinda shit.
I spent most of the night hiding from this
psycho I went on a date with a while back.
- Hate that.
- Yeah.
I've been on a few dates meself lately.
Oh. yeah?
- Lotta psychos.
- Yeah?
Big time.
I went on one there the other night
with this fella that used to be a priest.
Never been with a woman before in his life.
He was like 34.
And what happened?
I left after the starter.
You didn't really give
him much of a chance.
He was a priest.
Well, you've obviously got high standards.
That's what me ma says.
But I think that's just cos
she has no standards.
When it comes to men.
Your dad not around?
Nah. He left when I was a kid.
My dad died last year.
Sorry.
My mam just started dating again.
She's got like three guys on the go.
You should give her a call.
She might give you some tips.
Yeah, maybe I will.
Mary McArdle?
- Thanks for...
- No worries.
I can wait if you like.
Oh, no, you're all right.
See ya around. Yeah?
- All right?
- Yeah.
What happened to your hand?
Nothin'.
It's grand.
Did you see there's speed datin' in the
Westcourt on Friday night?
The two of us could go together.
Dream on.
Your man Ollie that, drives the taxi for
Caffreys, dropped me home.
Asked me out on a date.
He's my age.
I know!
So what? I like him.
You would.
You want advice, Mary?
Get off your high horse
or you'll end up a very lonely girl.
And that one's for free.
Fuck off!
What can I get ya?
All right?
Jess!
- Hey.
- Hey!
I saw you from the bus so I, like,
I ran from, like, all the way back there...
- No way!
- Yeah, past the lights.
Right. I'll let you go.
Oh, which way are you walkin'?
Erm...
Well, that way, I suppose.
Do you wanna walk with me?
Sure.
So how's the datin' goin'?
- Shit.
- Oh, why bother?
- Because.
- Cos why?
I need to find a plus one for that weddin'.
So, you're going on all these dates
with strangers to find someone
to bring to a wedding?
Yeah.
Not cos you want to meet someone?
No.
At least you're gettin' laid.
What?
Well, I'm not sleepin' with any of them.
Oh, OK That's cool.
Like, I mean, I don't just jump into bed
at the drop of a hat.
Good to know.
Do you wanna do somethin'?
Oh, no, it's cool if you're busy.
No. It's just I've got band practise.
Oh.
All right.
I would, um,
only we've got a gig at the weekend, so...
- Well, that's cool.
- I kinda have to be there.
OK.
All right, well, I'm off up this way.
OK.
- It was good to see ya.
- Yeah, you, too.
Hey!
What are you doin' tomorrow?
Nothin'. Why?
Does it matter that I don't
know any of these people?
- No. Neither do I.
- Yeah, well, you're workin'.
So what? You're my assistant.
Anyway, just focus on the blokes.
We're finding you a man tonight.
Or at the very least getting you laid
by a culchie.
Hi, I'm Jess, nice to meet you.
OK, can I get
everybody looking in here?
That's great.
So, what I think I'm gonna do is
just step the girls out
for, like, two seconds
and get some photos of the guys.
Yeah?
Yeah, just move down
a couple of steps.
That's perfect.
Smile.
Awesome.
So, uh, have all of you got girlfriends?
Hands up if you're single.
You? Cool.
Charlene's wedding speech,
take one, action!
All day I've been looking at ya,
and thinkin' how long
we've known each other
and how much you mean to me.
It seems like only yesterday we were walkin'
to school and makin' each other laugh.
Two things...
We never went to school.
Like ever. We were either
suspended or we mitched.
And secondly the young one never laughs.
Like, I mean, ever.
It gets better.
You're the smartest person I know.
- Ugh.
- You're gorgeous looking...
The face of an actual cunt.
You are the most generous
person in the world.
She actually wrote this about herself?
Yeah, the girl is bat-shit crazy.
Hello?
It's Charlene, she says your
accent needs work.
Mmm.
No, no, it wasn't us.
Ask them for more drink.
Wait, sorry. Uh, could we get some drink?
He hung up.
Fuck it!
You're a shit matchmaker.
It's your fault for bein' so picky.
Why weren't we iookin' for a fella for you?
I don't want one.
Why, have you been with loads?
What the fuck are you trying to say?
Sorry.
I'm only messin'.
So have ya?
Oh, my God, you really want to know?
You mean sex?
Oh, I dunno.
I don't have a number or anything.
- Why, do you?
- No.
You do! Tell me.
- No.
- Tell me.
No.
I don't think I'm very good at it.
Sex?
No. Like meetin' people. Datin'. All that.
Me neither.
Fuck off.
No, I'm serious.
Yeah?
I've always been a bit of a loner.
That's cool.
Is it'? I don't know.
Yeah, like, whatever
makes ya happy and that.
I wouldn't say it makes me happy.
It's just the way it is.
Sure, most people think I'm off me rocker.
- Do they?
- Big time.
Why?
Just cos.
Cos why?
I dunno.
I used to do a lot of stupid shit.
Like what?
Fightin'.
What, like proper fightin'?
I hurt a girl in a nightclub a while ago.
I got in a lot of trouble for it.
Was in The Joy for six months.
You were in jail?
Fuck off!
Whoa.
Are ya freaked out that I told ya that?
No.
What are ya thinkin'?
Just doesn't seem like you or somethin'.
You don't know me.
Oh, my God.
You OK?
Yeah. I dunno why...
I really like you.
- Bye.
- Goodbye.
- See you, Jess. Take care.
- See you later.
You freakin' out?
No.
Are You?
Look, it doesn't have to mean anything.
Unless...
OK, I'm gonna go now
because I'm dyin' of embarrassment.
I'm playin' in McPhails tomorrow night,
just if you're knockin' about...
If you want to...
OK.
OK.
Thanks.
What's the story, Drogheda?
I feel like I don't belong
Like I'm lost in the Viet Cong
My head is gone
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
It's bleak when the highlight of your
week is mitching school on a Monday
To stuff your face in Subway
Foot-long, yeah, baby
It's boring, but better than smoking
a bong with some radgy-looking mong
Oh, by the way, my name is Julie
Yours truly
I'm a bad bitch, not really
Hi, this is Charlene, leave a message.
Hey, what does it mean when you've been
with a fella and he says
it doesn't have to mean anything?
And then he says, "Do you want to meet up?"
What does that mean? Does that mean
he's into it or not?
Call me back.
Oh, God
Get me out of this town
Oh, God
Get me out of this town
I can't wait
Till the factory shuts down
I can't wait
Till the dock lands drown
Oh, God
Get me out of this place
Oh, God
Get me out of this place
I don't care if I never see
another familiar face
You waze me up
so I can stand on mountains.
You waze me up
to walk on stormy...
You can stop there, Rita.
Rita, love, it's "raise me up". Raise.
Waze.
- Jesus Christ.
- She's your cousin, Charlene.
Come on!
Who's she?
The young one doin' the weddin' video.
She looks like a weirdo.
I know. Total freak.
Why does she keep staring over here?
Maybe she's checking you out.
Oh, my God! She is totally checking me out.
Jesus Christ!
Can nothin' go right?
Charlene!
All right Rita. Let's try this
again and it's "raise".
Waze.
I need to talk to you.
Oh. Well, I need to talk to you, too.
Right. You go first.
OK. Erm...
- You go first
- OK.
This might be hard to hear,
so I'll just say it.
Me and Leona were in
Fusion on Saturday night
and we saw John Carter
getting off with a man.
You went clubbin' with Leona?
Yeah.
I have been asking you to go out
with me for weeks.
Mary! I think you're
missin' the point here.
Yeah, we broke up.
And when were you gonna tell me?
Well, when do I see you, Charlene?
All right look. Don't panic.
I'm not gonna say it to anyone.
We'll just find you someone else
to bring as a plus one.
Maybe one of Declan's friends.
Some of them are really weird.
OK?
Mary?
What was that about?
I dunno, she just stormed off.
Hi.
Do you wanna go on a date sometime?
Um... OK.
- Cool.
- Cool.
What the fuck is she doing?
OK.
I just wanted to do that, so...
Erm, I better go. I'll call ya later.
Bye.
When did this happen?
Couple of nights ago.
Was helping her out at a weddin'.
And what?
We were drinkin',
one thing led to another.
So you're into girls now?
Maybe.
You're makin' a show of yourself, Mary.
Well, what's new, Charlene?
Try on that dress, will ya?
So I was thinkin'.
Since you're gonna be at the weddin',
and I'm gonna be at the weddin',
why don't we both go together?
I thought you wanted to bring a hot bloke.
Not any more.
OK.
Cool.
What?
Nothin', just...
Suddenly you seem very cool about all this.
It's a big change from when
we were on the bus a while back
and you avoided looking at me for the
whole three-hour drive, actually.
I didn't refuse to look at ya.
I seem to remember you looking
out the window a lot.
OK, maybe I did a bit.
Then you kissed me
in front of all your mates.
Fuck it.
Did they say anything about it?
Actually, Charlene had
a lot to say about it.
Apparently I'm making a show of meself.
Fuck her.
She's probably just worried about you.
Charlene does not give a fuck about me,
she's just worried that
I'll ruin her precious weddin'.
Is that why you're asking me to go?
What?
To piss her off?
No.
I don't care what Charlene thinks.
Mary, you're obsessed with what she thinks.
- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.
I don't want to be used.
What the fuck does that mean?
Whoa, don't curse at me.
I just don't want you usin' me
to get even with Charlene.
I'm not.
OK.
Will I get us some drinks?
Hello, this is Mary...
You have new voicemail.
To listen to your messages, press 1.
Hey. Um,
I don't really know what
happened last night and
to be honest I'm not sure I care any more.
I guess I don't really know
what's going on with you
and you don't seem to want to tell me.
And running away like that is
fucking ridiculous.
That's what children do
and I'm not a child.
Look, I think we should
just call it quits on this.
I hope everything goes well for you, Mary,
and that you figure it all out.
And there's no need to call me back,
I'd honestly prefer it if you didn't.
OK. Bye.
- Hey.
- All right?
What are you doing here?
Came to see you.
So, what's the story with your girlfriend?
What?
She cancelled on me this morning.
I don't know.
And she's not my girlfriend.
So what, you're not a lesbian now?
Are you all right?
Here.
What's this?
The speech. I wrote it.
I did the speech for you.
Well, it's supposed to come from me.
Mary, like, I...
Fine. It doesn't matter.
Gimme it.
"The things you need to know
about Charlene.
"Her first crush was on Mr. Duffy,
our geography teacher in fifth class.
"Her first kiss was on the bus on the
way home from a Boyzone concert.
"Her eyes are a mixture of green and brown
"and not hazel as most people think.
"She loves brown sauce
and eats it on everything.
"She can never remember how a joke ends.
"When she's sick she
always watches the film
"Ella Enchanted and eats
packets of Monster Munch.
"When she walks into a room, people always
notice her and want to be around her.
"This is because of her warmth and
her good sense of humour.
"She loves Declan more than
anything else in the world,
"even brown sauce.
"And she is the best friend
that anyone could ever ask for."
It's lovely.
You're me best mate and
I wanted it to come from me.
Thanks.
Do you wanna go for a pint?
I'm gettin' married tomorrow.
Yeah, but is that not tradition,
that the maid of honour take
the bride out the night before the big day?
- No.
- For one?
No!
All right.
I'll see ya at the church, then.
Yeah.
Why do you never want to see me any more?
What are you on about?
Why do you never want to see me?
Mary, how many times
do we have to talk about this?
- Fine! Fuck sake.
- Stop cursin' at me, Mary!
Then stop actin' like
a stuck-up bitch, Charlene!
I don't have time for this.
Oh, of course ya don't,
cos when do you have time
for anyone other than yourself?
- Excuse me?
- You've fuckin' changed.
Oi!
Do you have any idea the
shit you've put us through?
Me. Your ma. All of us.
After what you did.
Ya haven't a clue, have ya?
And then you show up on me doorstep
the day before me weddin'
and call me a shit friend
cos I won't go drinkin' with ya.
I mean, are you for fuckin' real?
And you know what, Mary?
You're right. I have changed.
Everyone has, except you.
You're still a mess.
Who the fuck wants to be around that?
Hey, it's me.
- How many do you want?
- Six.
We're goin' out.
So, where's your boyfriend at?
Are you all selective cos
you got a pony tail?
What's your name, delicate?
- I dunno.
- Yvonne!
- Yvonne?
- Oh, that's a French ass name, Yvonne.
My little French croissant.
You are mad.
All right.
I'm only joking, I'm sorry, like.
Let's do somethin? Come on!
Where we goin'?
Out.
Fuck.
Don't! Don't!
- Ya fuckin' animal!
- Call the guards.
You're fucking buck mad you are.
D'you hear me?
Come on!
Assault, anti-social
behaviour, assault again.
If she ends up in front
of a prick of a judge...
- It's not good.
- No, it's not good.
You can take her home now.
Thanks, Guard.
Come on.
Is it my fault?
Is what your fault?
I dunno. That you're having problems again.
How is it your fault?
Did ya get someone to go with ya tomorrow?
Sure, so what?
You go down there and hold your head up.
You're as good as any of them girls.
Shh. It's OK.
OK. Fix me.
- I'm surprised you'd the nerve to show up.
- Leona.
Leave her alone.
Thanks.
You look...
- Are we ready?
- Yep, we're ready.
In the name of the Father,
and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
amen.
Father,
Son and the Holy Spirit, amen.
You may kiss the bride.
- Ah, yes. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- It's just over the far right.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
- Hiya.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I'm so proud of ya.
Thanks.
I think it's better if you didn't read
out that speech you wrote.
I think it's lovely and it's really funny.
I just... Mary, it's just not appropriate.
- What do you want me to say?
- It's OK.
Leona has got it covered.
You can just sit back and enjoy your night.
You've done loads already.
OK.
"All day I've been looking
at you, at me friend,
"and thinking about how long we've known
each other, and how much you mean to me.
"It feels like only yesterday we were walking
to school and making each other laugh.
- "And now, look where we are."
- Aww.
"You're the smartest person I know,
you're gorgeous looking.
"And you're the most generous person
in the whole world."
You are, Char.
OK, folks. So, we're gonna pass it over to
the father of the bride now,
so round of applause for him.
Hey, this is Jess. Leave a message.
Hiya, Jess. It's Mary.
I know you don't want me to call, but...
I'm locked. So...
Actually, I'm not locked.
I haven't had a drink all day
so I dunno why I said that.
I just wanted to say sorry for everything
that happened.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I keep hurting people and I don't know why.
I think you were right
about me and Charlene.
You're probably right
about a lot of things.
I miss you.
Me and her were the best.
The most beautiful.
Me and her.
Me and her.
Me and her.
Hey!
Are you going?
Yeah.
All right, well... Thanks for everything.
You're welcome.
I'm fuckin' married, Mary!
I know.
When I get back from me honeymoon,
me and you are goin' out on the town.
Just the two of us.
I'll see ya, Char.
See ya, babe.
Where would you be going,
if you were going out?
Music?
Are you into your music?
Would you be getting up
and dancing and all? Yeah?
What else do you get up to then?
Over the weekend in your spare time?
- I go surfin'.
- You're a surfer!
No way. That's mad.
Hey.