1
Where the hell did things go wrong?
How did things change so quickly?
I had so many questions.
Some might blame karma,
kismet, fate or destiny,
but those are just good
stripper names to me.
Well, except maybe kismet.
I believe it's the choices we
make that determine our future
nothing else.
I wanna ticket to somewhere
where I can find the face to
leave the memories of Holland
I wanna ticket to somewhere,
anywhere but here
Have you ever felt
like there's no where
Jack.
Wilson!
Peacock's lost man.
You are gonna bang it in London town.
You smack that royal baby for me alright?
Thank, man.
In the mean time, I don't
know how I'm going
to survive without you.
You know I got these
abandonment issues right?
You'll survive, Wilson.
Really cause I, can I ask you?
Does this look infected to you?
Ahhh!
Please see a doctor Wilson,
I got a lot of shit to do.
Put me on a fast jet cause
I don't like it on my own
A ticket to love, a ticket to love
Would bring me home
Would bring me ho-o-o-ome
I wanna ticket to happy and
I heard they were free
But I just have to chase her down
I wanna ticket to happy
To wipe away this upside down smile
And I remember the ocean and
how it never seemed so close
But when I was with you, I
wanna ticket to somewhere
And I think I know where now
You want, uhh, fries with that?
Okay, two fries and two onion rings, okay.
So, that would be four cheeseburgers.
Do you want some?
Thank you, dear.
I need you to pretend that you're with me.
See that woman over there?
Don't look!
She's my ex, and I can't be seen alone.
Yeah no, if you don't mind.
Thanks, I owe you.
Let me buy you a slice of apple pie.
This place has the best
apple pie on the west side.
All right, nice try.
I'm sure this works for you all the time.
But I'm really not interested, alright?
I just want Tobe left alone.
Jack?
Meagan.
How have you been?
Ah, great.
Things are goin' great.
Aw, you don't have to lie to me, Jacky.
I heard you were going
through a rough time.
Just be positive.
Jack, this is Arnold, my husband.
Hey.
Wow, uhh...
Congratulations.
If at first you don't succeed,
you get a bigger ring.
Arnold is an entertainment lawyer.
He does very well for himself.
Well. aren't you going to introduce
me to your little friend?
Actually...
I'm Maria, Jack's fianc.
Wow, if at first you don't succeed.
I guess things are going
better for you, Jack.
Yeah.
I'm Meagan, Jack's ex wife.
You never told me you were ever married.
We've been going together for three months
and he's never mentioned you.
You are lucky you are so incredibly sexy.
Ow!
Well, we should get going.
It was nice meeting you.
Bye Jack.
Bye Meagan.
Come on.
Great seeing you again!
Could you stare any harder?
Seriously.
Thank you for that.
Ahh, she deserved it.
Yeah.
Yeah, she kinda did.
Uhh, now can I buy you that apple pie?
Uh, I should get going.
You can call your fianc.
I'll buy him a slice too.
Come on huh, it's the least I could do.
I-I'm leaving the country in what...
Less than six hours.
This is my only chance to repay you.
Look.
One way.
Why, one way?
You're kind of nosey, huh?
Okay.
A fresh start.
How long has it been?
Two years.
And two years married, two years divorced.
She uhh, she left when the goin' got tough.
But she's not the reason I'm leaving.
After looking for work for a while
I finally landed a two
year contract, in London.
I'm a writer.
Oh, yeah?
Are you a novelist?
No.
A journalist?
Nope.
You write for the movies, don't you?
Uh uh.
I write sitcoms.
Oh.
Jesus, you look more
disappointed than my father.
Oh no.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to.
Do you remember the show "My Two Dicks"?
A family comedy about a mother
and her two detective sons,
Lasted twelve episodes four years ago.
I'm afraid I'm not familiar.
Ah, don't sweat it.
Neither was anybody else.
"My Two Dicks" sucked.
That's not what you said
when you picked me up
at the diner that night!
I picked you up?!
I'm pretty sure it was
the other way around.
I was the damsel in distress.
Mmm, maybe.
I had a really good time tonight, Jack.
Good, I'm glad somebody did.
The whole evening was pretty
touch and go for me so.
Are you ever serious?
I tried it once, but it just didn't take.
So uhh, it was worth it?
Yeah, maybe.
Good night, Jack.
Uhh, wait.
Do you need me to come up
and you know, fix anything?
Nothing's broken.
I could help you watch tv?
I've got twenty-twenty vision, right here.
Be a shame to waste it.
Goodnight, Jack.
You've got Tobe kidding me?
I kid you not.
Six-years-old and he
says to me, Miss Moniz,
this is the worst day of
education in my life!
And he storms out of my classroom.
I'm glad you stayed for pie.
Me too.
Umm.
Can I uhh...
Can I ask you something?
You can try.
Well, when I first walked in
here, umm, you were crying.
I wasn't crying.
I have a little confession to make.
I'm not really engaged anymore.
I just broke up with my fianc
and I just, I haven't given
him back the ring yet.
I know, I know, I'm a horrible person.
You're not a horrible person, okay.
You're my hero.
I guess I was just kind a
holding on to the past.
If that makes any sense to you?
It's perfect sense.
It's like the moment you
break-up with someone,
this movie of all the good
times plays over and over
in your head, and the bad times,
they just fade away until
you can't remember
what the problem was.
That's why I started
recording negative moments
of all my relationships
so I wouldn't forget.
You do not!
You do.
I don't, no I don't.
Ah, okay.
Oh, come on gimmie a smile, Megs.
Here's a clip of Meagan
rolling her eyes at me.
That's like her signature move.
As if I just said the
world's stupidest thing.
See.
And ah, here's a clip
of April taking an hour
to put on her make up, that's
me sitting on the couch,
look how pissed I look.
And um, oh.
This is one of Alexis,
now Alexis was a vegan,
which in itself didn't bother me.
However vegetables always made her a little
Oh.
I know it sounds nuts, but I
bet you wish you had some,
you know, video of your ex
pickin' his nose or something.
No.
More like clearing his throat.
Ah ha!
You mean like uhh, like uhh,
Ahem?
No, more like.
No, no with more throat, like.
Oh my god, that's annoying.
Isn't it?!
You are something else, Jack...
Ratner.
Jack Ratner.
Maria Moniz.
That is the real reason
I don't believe in long-term relationships.
No more firsts.
Like they get used up.
I mean that was the first time
we've ever touched hands.
It'll never happen again
that you know, that feeling.
Once all the firsts are gone,
hey what are you left with?
I don't know what you just said.
But I loved the way you said it.
Mmmmm.
What?
You have to stop.
Even being rejected in Portuguese is hot.
Jack, I have to go.
Unlike you I have to be at
work early in the morning.
Jack.
Jack, off.
Not until you're gone.
It might be awkward with you in the room.
You're so crude.
Mmmm,
Stay over tonight.
Please.
Why?
"A" I live closer to your school.
"B" I make killer waffles in the morning.
And "C" I'll pay you a thousand dollars.
"D" all of the above?
Mmmmmmm.
That was the best apple pie I've ever had.
Really?
Cause I wouldn't know.
You kind of ate it all.
I did not!
I even left you the last piece.
This here?
Anyway, everything was planned.
Children, moving to the suburbs.
My dad was devastated when
he found out we broke up.
But the worst part was
that we lived together.
I'll never make that mistake again.
I like my own place to much.
What, you don't want a family?
Children?
Marriage is not for me.
I can't picture myself behind
the white picket fence
playing catch with Jack junior.
So you have no problems
growing old and dying alone?
Having the neighbors notify the police
about the awful stench
of your rotting corpse.
Jesus Christ, when you put it that way.
You shouldn't say that.
Say, what?
Use God's name like that.
Oh, you're one of those.
I noticed the cross.
Just thought it might be for decoration.
What do you mean, "one of those"?
You don't believe in God??
Umm, not so much.
Though, after skimming the bible,
I've gotta give Joe and Mary props
for selling the whole
immaculate conception thing.
It's brilliant.
Nowadays, compromising Facebook
photos would have sunk her.
That isn't funny.
So if you don't believe in
God then who do you pray to?
Tom Brady.
But only if it's late
in the fourth quarter.
I don't believe you.
Trust me, when something
life changing happens,
you'll be praying.
Okay, no way, not me.
I may be a lot of things,
but I'm not a hypocrite.
Hey.
Morning.
Do you want some fruit for breakfast?
Do you have any idea how
much sugar's in that stuff?
You were snoring again last night.
I don't snore.
It's like sleeping with Darth Vader.
I'll make a video clip
and add it to your file.
Hey.
Hey, you okay?
What's wrong?
Nothing.
It's stupid.
Well lucky for you I
specialize in stupidity
and have a Ph.D. in nothing.
So technically, I'm overqualified
for this conversation.
Well uhh,
You know when you feel like
you've reached a point
where you're finally living out your life
and not other peoples expectations?
Well...
Now that I'm not splitting
the rent anymore,
I can't afford my place so...
I'm gonna have to move
back in with my parents.
Well umm, you know uhh,
Maybe you could move in here you know,
for a little while until
you find another place.
Jack, you'd be okay with that?
Yeah, sure.
I'm mean you're practically
living here anyway.
What's a week?
Oh baby!
Thank you!
Oh baby I promise you won't
even know that I'm here.
Oh god.
Thank you.
Oh, that's great.
Oh my god.
You like?
I feel like I just got
violated by Pottery Barn.
Oh, you hate it?
No, no.
It's just different that's all.
Kinda looks like your place did.
Yeah, I just brought a few
of my furniture pieces in.
I hope you don't mind?
Wow.
That's uhh, that's a big cross.
It'll protect us from the evil eye.
Ohh.
I didn't know Mr. Bojangles
would be joining us.
Awe, where did you think
he'd be staying, silly?
Eh, eh, good boy, good boy.
Eh.
Ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ouuu
Ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ouuu
You got-got me, you got-got me stuck
Cause you got-got that,
you got-got that touch
You got me stuck like glue
Like gum to the bottom of my shoe
I can't stop thinkin' bout you-ouu
Awwww! Shit!
I think you broke it!
I'm so sorry.
That kiss girl, how can I forge-ee-et?
Underneath the stars,
we'll never be apart
No matter where you are, you got me
You got-got me, you
got-got me stuck
Cause you got-got that, you
got-got that touch
Rain or shine, I don't care
I'm not going anywhere
Cause you got-got me, you
got-got me stuck on you babe
Ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ouuu
Maria?
Jesus Christ!
Shhh.
Rain or shine, I don't care,
I'm not going anywhere
I am a rational person.
Rational, huh?
Is that why I saw you throwing
salt over your shoulder?
Don't tell me you're one of
those superstitious freaks?
It's not a superstition if it works.
Ah-ha.
The truth finally comes out.
You're crazy.
Don't call me crazy.
Seora Maria says it's
better safe than sorry.
Who's Seora Maria?
Just someone who advises me.
Like a... Like a therapist?
Yeah, like a therapist.
Hey, babe, how was your...
Quick, get me a lighter!!
What is it?
I think some woman at the grocery store
gave me the evil eye.
Huh?
Here we go.
What is that?
Sage.
Oh no.
I might have already
infected the entire place.
Wait, what the hell's evil eye?
It's when someone curses you
and gives you really bad luck.
Sometimes people do it
and they don't even
realize they're doing it.
Come on Maria, don't tell me
you really believe in that?
Apparently so.
That should work.
Don't worry, I'll see Seora Maria
and make sure that we're in the clear.
Maria, this is insane.
Nobody can just give you bad luck.
That's just a Portuguese old wives tale.
The evil eye does not exist!
Do you have any idea how
foolish you sound right now?
Jack, this is your father.
He's actually on oxygen, it's kinda sad.
Oww.
No he's not.
Your sitcom writing is
weak and career dubious.
Come work for me at Ratner Investments
and together we shall...
make something of you.
That's your dad's idea
of success, not yours.
Mhmmm.
You are wise Portuguese one.
So what about the rest of your family?
Brothers?
Sisters?
None.
Cousins?
Grandparents?
Aunts?
Uncles?
One Uncle, but I'm pretty
sure he's in prison.
Oh, Jack that's...
Wonderful.
Having as mall family.
Mine can be overwhelming.
I'd much rather have a big colorful family
than a bland one any day.
Okay.
Relax.
Ok.
Oh, no, we don't use the front door!
We use the back door.
Okay.
Now, don't be nervous, Jack.
I'm not.
I just want you to know,
how important first impressions are.
Hey, don't worry, parents love me.
I'm like cat nip for old people.
Oh and please don't try and be funny.
And don't tell my parents
that you're divorced,
or that you're an atheist or
that you're in between jobs.
Okay?
Anything else?
Oh, and your grandfather on your
mom's side was part Portuguese.
Ok?
Hey!
There's my beautiful daughter.
Querida, two Sundays I don't see you.
Where have you been
hiding, my little badger?
Mom, Dad, this is Jack my boyfriend.
He's pleased to meet you.
Lets go.
This looks delicious.
What is it?
Cozido.
Pigs feet.
Thanks.
I can't believe you ate that, dude.
There's pizza.
Thank you.
Have some rice pudding.
I will.
Ow!
Where's Mr. Moniz?
Ah, he's probably in the house.
Go talk to him, Jack.
He gets nervous with new people.
I can tell by the way she looks at you,
you have won my daughter over.
Thanks, mom.
I bet you don't get too many
vampires down here, huh?
Because of the uhh...
So, I hear your a big football fan?
So am I.
Who's your team?
Stay away from Maria.
Can't say I'm familiar with them.
Although I imagine their
logo is just a picture
of you looking angry.
Kind of like that.
You make jokes.
Jokes aren't funny!
Jokes won't make my daughter happy!
With all do respect, sir, I
do make your daughter happy.
I mean, I think I do.
And I know I want to, more than anything.
Have you ever heard the expression,
"laughter is the best medicine"?
Have you heard the Portuguese expression,
"medicine is the best medicine"?
You know who said that?
Maria's ex fianc.
He's a doctor!
Uhh, my uncle says, you're a lucky man.
Thank you, Uncle Joao.
Two.
You did that on purpose,
didn't you you little devil?
I gotta go.
Goodnight everyone, thank you.
Bye!
Love you!
Love you too.
They hate me.
They don't hate you.
They just need to get to know you.
Well I'm not sure how
crazy I am about them.
They're judgmental, intimidating.
Your father threatened me, and your sister!
Mmm, I have never seen
dexterity in toes like that!
Ever!
Your grandmother caught me on the lips.
It was like kissing a catfish!!!
And the Ricky Martin painting?!
The what?
In your dads little man cave?
Oh, no, that's not Ricky Martin,
that's Cristiano Ronaldo,
a famous Portuguese soccer player.
Listen Jack, I know they can be a handful.
But I'm just really glad you tried.
It meant a lot to me.
Wow.
I've never seen you get
worked up like this.
What happened to cool cat nip Jack?
He just got a taste of his future in-laws.
What?
I was planning on doing this differently.
Maria, you've made me
realize all the things
I never knew I wanted.
And now that I know, there's
only one thing left to do.
Will you marry...
Oh yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
We just have to see Seora Maria first.
Your therapist?
I believe in therapy.
I think people can learn a lot
about themselves, you know.
I guess, it's just not for me.
You know travelling is my therapy.
I learned a lot about myself
while backpacking through Europe.
But it was my time in India
was the most profound.
I remember riding an elephant
to see the Taj Mahal at sunset.
It was the most incredible thing.
Emperor Shah Jahan built it in
memory of his deceased wife.
They say it's the world's most magnificent
monument dedicated to love and devotion.
What does it look like?
Oh, words can't even describe it.
It's just, so incredible.
Mmm, I am so jealous.
Here you are, this world traveller
and I've hardly been anywhere.
I figure we've only got this one world,
we should try and experience it.
Oh, you're alive!
I am.
Thank God.
See I assumed you were
dead because why else
when we have a network pitch
coming up would you go AWOL
and stop answering your email
and your phone and your text.
Uhh.
Um, holy shit!
Looks like Martha Stewart vomited in here.
What's going on?
I uhh, I got a roommate.
You're living with someone?
Yeah, my fianc.
Get the f...
Are you serious?
Yeah.
You're serious!?
Oh my god no, no, no.
This is the worst thing that
could happen to a writing team!
Wilson, come on,
Oh and you already got that
stupid look on your face.
No wonder your ideas lick!
You've got love brain!!
Hey, I don't have love brain
and my ideas don't lick!
What about my script "Special Agent Ed"?
That's about a retarded FBI agent!
Oh my god.
I do have love brain.
Ditch this chick.
Cause we've got three
network pitches coming up,
and we have Jack!
That's funny, I should write that down.
I promise I won't let my relationship
affect our work anymore.
I need this more than you do man.
Mhmm, that's debatable.
But Wilson, you have to meet Maria.
Maria?
Her names Maria, she's ethnic?!
Great!
That's like love brain on crack!!
Don't worry Senora Maria is
very nice, you'll love her.
I'm not worried.
Good.
Ah, Nelia, how are you?
I thought you died.
Evil eye thing, I got one of
these guys again, evil eye.
Oh, Nelia, this is Jack, my fianc.
Jack this is my favorite cousin, Nelia.
He so cute.
Oh my god.
What does Seora Maria think?
That's why we're here.
First time?
Yeah.
Good to see you!
Call me!
I know, I know!
Bye!
Bye.
This is your therapist's office?
Shhhhh!
You've got Tobe kidding me.
Stop it.
What?
This is not the man for you.
You must leave immediately.
What is it, what did she say?
So, how are the Patriots
lookin' on Sunday, huh?
Three turnovers. Pats lose by six.
Why don't you just tell me
what crystal ball lady said?
It's obviously upsetting you.
It's nothing.
Are those the same underwear
you had on last night?
No.
Ugh.
Two days in a row.
That's disgusting.
I showered before bed last night.
Why should I change them
after only sleeping in them?
Because that's the rule.
Everyone knows everyday
starts off with a fresh pair of underwear.
Well, there's 24-hours Ina
day, so technically...
I'm still good.
I better not catch you
trying to squeeze another day out of those.
Yes, mom.
Look, you're letting
whatever that voodoo lady
said get to you, and
that's completely nuts.
Seora Maria has a gift.
Yeah, and it's called hustling!
Wait.
Aren't you going to fold my underwear?!
Hm?
You're stacking, see how I fold yours.
That's how you do it!
Do you really expect me to fold this?
Yes!
It's like trying to do origami.
Now please tell me that this
has something to do with
voodoo lady, because this is
the most intense conversation
about underwear, anyone has ever had!
She said we have to hold
off on getting married.
It's not a big deal.
It just means she has to
read you or us again.
This is about yourfamily, isn't it?
It has nothing to do with Seora Maria.
She's just a excuse.
No, Jack.
Maria, I promise I will change
your father's mind about me...
Because he's your family.
But there is no way in hell I'm
going to see the fortune teller.
Now if you believe in her,
that's fine, that's your thing.
But I will never be told
by some "magic lady"
who I can and can't marry.
And neither should you.
Look Maria, I love you.
That's all you need to know.
I love you too, Jack.
Our first fight.
You know what this can mean?
What?
Our first make-up sex.
Ohh.
God I love firsts.
Not on the underwear!!!
Good morning, baby.
Time to tell my parents the good news.
Have you seen any of my hair ties around?
I love this game.
I found one in my cereal the other day.
Come on we have to go.
Ready?
Bring it on.
No pausing.
Go!
Favorite musician?
-Black-eyed peas.-Katy Perry.
Favorite movie?
-Star Wars.-The Notebook.
Favorite food?
-French fries.-Chinese.
Uhh, favorite position?
-Quarterback.-On top.
Wow!
You were right.
This is definitely the best
way to get to know someone.
No, no.
I thought you meant...
I said position.
And look where you went.
You set me up!
You totally set me up!!
It was your game.
Wait a minute, why am I embarrassed?
You just admitted to liking Katy Perry.
What's wrong with Katy Perry?
Nothing, if you're a tween.
On top, huh?
You better believe it.
How come we always enter
through the back door?
Because we never use the
front entrance of our house.
Why not?
Because then it would get dirty.
C'mon.
I got this.
Marco!
Dinner!
Hey.
Hey.
You're most susceptible to
the devil when you yawn.
Mom stopped him.
Right on.
Homemade Portuguese wine is
the best wine in the world.
Jose, you missed someone.
That's okay.
I'm not a big drinker.
You no like Portuguese wine?!
No, no.
I do.
I just wanted you to know that I,
that I don't have a drinking
problem or anything.
So, Jack, Maria tells us
that you write funny tv.
But what do you do for a living?
Uhh well, that's it.
I'm a... I'm a writer.
I write sitcoms for a living.
Jack created the show "My Two Dicks"?
Sweet!!!
Detectives.
My Two Detectives.
Writing is not a job.
Have you thought about construction?
You need a real job to support a family.
Jose, what did we talk about?
I'm being nice.
Right, Jack?
Why don't you tell us what
you know about Portugal.
Dad?
Let him answer, badger.
Well I umm...
This should be good.
I didn't realize this would be on the test.
To be honest, I don't know too much, sir.
All I know is that Portugal's
a very small country...
So they must have very small people
so they can all fit in it.
Not that you're small sir.
You are a good size.
But one thing is for certain.
Portugal's number one export
must be beautiful women.
Maria, Avo...
Uhh, Mrs. Moniz.
Mr. Moniz, you are a lucky man!
Lucky that I'm not ten years older.
That's some uh, good
Portuguese genes right there
and I'd love to get in on that action.
I mean, have beautiful
Portuguese children one day,
with your daughter, not your wife.
That would be wildly inappropriate.
Is this another one of your jokes, Jack?
Jesus Christ, no.
Jack.
Oh, goddamnit.
Jack!
Did you know that five hundred years ago
Portugal conquered eighty
percent of the globe?!
Now how could such a small
country have so much power?
Because they are strong and smart?
That's right!
Hey Marco, take Jack to your
room and show him the old map!!
Right now before dinner.
Do I have to?
If you're not out of
here in five seconds...
Dad.
How could you give up
such a nice Portuguese doctor for this?
Jose, please.
I will not please Anna!
Someone in this family has
to talk some sense to her!
Maria.
You two don't belong together.
You're too different.
Can't you see?
I mean, he will never understand us.
Daddy, I love him.
You only think you do, I can
find you a better match.
Trust me.
How could you?!
The silence must have been killing you!
You get asked a simple
question about Portugal,
and you answer it by insulting my dad
and then hitting on my mom?!
You know your dad makes me very nervous.
And your mom...
Well it was meant as a compliment.
It was creepy!
Why didn't you just talk about backpacking
through Europe, Jack?
Wait, you have been to Europe, right?
I'm so sorry.
Oh my god, you lied to me?!
I was trying to impress you!
I got caught up.
"We've only have this one world,
we should try and experience it"?!!
Have you even been to India?!
Indiana?
I'm so sorry.
I swear it's the only thing
I've ever fibbed about
and I am so sorry Maria.
For lying and embarrassing you.
I'm gonna make this up to you, Maria.
I promise.
I'm gonna show yourfamily the real Jack.
Please don't.
Space Bar, it's like "Cheers" in space???
Do you hate me?
It was just an idea.
I've got others.
I've read the others!
We're screwed, Jack.
Our pitch is at the end of the month
and your only solution is to
reboot 80's sitcoms in space!!
I mean, you're the concept guy.
The hell you been doing with your time?
I've been hashing out some new concepts.
Right.
It's been a little rocky
on the home front lately.
How long have we been friends?
Forever.
Mhm.
You know I'd push someone so
they'd take a bullet for you,
right?
Yeah.
Right so, prioritize us, Jack.
We are running out of time.
Tick, tick, tick.
Look Maria's a really great person,
but dude, it's not your first rodeo.
Engagement?
Tomato.
The point is, girls come and go,
but I have always been there for you.
So stop being a bitch and
give me a decent pitch.
Hey, Wilson.
How's the writing going?
Peachy.
Hey babe, where are you going?
Uhh, just gonna get some
fresh cod fish for dinner.
See ya later.
Yeah, see ya later.
Stupid love brain.
Jack!
Jack!
You said you cleaned the
bottom of the cupboards.
I did.
Well then you don't know the
difference between clean
and Portuguese clean.
My Av will white glove us, Jack.
Did you dust the tops of
the kitchen cupboards?
She could never reach.
Never under estimate an
old Portuguese woman
looking for dirt.
Fine!
Did you clean the bathroom?!
Yes!
And did you take out the bathroom garbage?!
Yes!
Do we always have to shout at each other?!
What?!
Never mind.
What?!
I said, never mind!
I'm turning into one of them.
Jack, I didn't know you spoke Portuguese?
He's been learning.
We know his English wasn't working.
Well, I'm very impressed, Jack.
Did you know that it was
a Portuguese priest
who pioneered solar panels?
And that it was a Portuguese doctor
who invented the lobotomy?
Why?
You in the market?
I can be funny too right?
Jose.
Ah, I wish Sporting was
playing that's my team.
You like Sporting?
Yeah, I'd like them a lot better
if they had Cristiano Ronaldo!
Ronaldinhu!!!!
Maybe this guy's not so bad, Maria.
Ronaldo!!!!
It's going good!
Jack, what's in his mouth?
He's got a condom.
Oh my god.
Hey, nobody wants this.
Mom, coffee?
Dad, some more wine?
Oh yeah, sorry!
Give it to me.
Give it to me,
Mom, dad?
Good doggy.
Good doggy.
You want a cookie?
Yeah, you want a cookie?
Maria get him a cookie!!!
Here, Mr. Bojangles.
Come, come.
Mamas got a biscuit.
It's peanut butter, your favorite.
I thought Mr. Bojangles was fixed.
Bojangles totally threw me under the bus.
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
Do not blame Mr. Bojangles!
I specifically asked you if you
threw out the bathroom garbage.
And you said "Yes"!
I thought I had.
I'm sorry.
Maria?
Go to sleep.
What, you don't even know
what I was going to ask.
The answer's "no" to all of your questions.
I just you know I just think
it's been a while since...
Since what?
Since I got to visit Area 51.
I've heard rumors about it.
Ow!
You don't have to practice
being in a bad mood, you know.
'Cause you're like a professional!
Jack?
Jack?
Jack, did you takeout the garbage?
Maria, I'm working!
Let go, Maria.
It was never meant to be.
Well if Seora Maria says
it, it must be true!!
For once in your life, can you be serious?
Can you not make your stupid little jokes?!
Only if you can speak English.
Blah, pish, blah, pish,
That's all I ever hear.
It's like listening to the dishwasher!
Excuse me for being bilingual!
Excuse me for having a sense of humor!
Seora Maria said this would happen.
I can't take this!
You are crazy!
Jesus Christ!
What did you call me?!
You heard me!
I am not crazy!
Then tell me why you
believe in her so much?!
Make me understand why you need
Seora Maria in your life?!!
Because she's never wrong!!
She told me to stay home.
The day of Marco's accident.
She warned me that something
bad would happen,
and I didn't listen.
I was the one driving the car that day.
I was supposed to drop Marco
off at his soccer game,
but I wanted a stupid pair of
shoes from the mall first.
And when I was going through an
intersection when we got hit.
I should have listened.
Baby.
No Jack, no.
It was a freak accident.
You can't blame yourself.
It's not just that, it's everything.
Don't you see, Jack?
She's never wrong.
Well, shes wrong about us.
No, she's not.
Look whats happening to us.
We're just too different and
deep down we both know it.
I'm sorry.
Is Seora Maria the reason
you broke up with your ex?
Maria, okay, look at me.
Is she the reason?
Wow.
Here I thought that my love
for you actually mattered.
That I was the guy whose
love trumped superstition.
But now I know Im not that guy.
Jack.
I was just one of the guys who tried.
Jack.
Oh, Querida.
I'm so sorry.
It's going to be alright.
There was this one Christmas.
I was nine.
And I remember really wanting
Starscream, this transformer.
But not just any transformer,
the coolest one because he could
change into a fighter jet.
Ooooh.
Yeah, he was totally bad-ass.
I must've wrote Santa half a dozen letters.
Wait a second, you were nine and
you still believed in Santa?
I wanted to believe, alright!
Can I finish my story?
Anyway, Christmas morning comes
and I race downstairs
and I rip open my gift.
And I see this knock off
transformer called "The Flyer".
I didn't say anything,
but I was heartbroken.
I tried to hide it,
but I knew my mom could seethe
disappointment on my face.
And um, that was the last
gift she ever got me.
She died six months later.
I know I was only nine, but umm...
I just wish I was more
appreciative, you know.
I'll never forget that look on her face.
God.
Ah dude, I mean can we let's, let's,
let's get out of here lets go get a beer.
This place is disgusting.
I don't want to.
Ugh, Jacky, Jack.
I know break-ups suck, but
so do new girlfriends.
Lets go get some of those.
Look dude, I know you
cant see it right now,
but this was the best thing.
You can focus on writing again.
I'm glad my miserys worked
out so well for you.
What?
Don't say that, how's it working...
Look, don't be hatin' me, I'm
here trying to help you.
You need to forget about this girl
and the best way to do that is
to bury yourself in what you love.
Forget it, Wilson.
Okay, I'm done.
I'm through with writing.
I'm not 20 years old anymore man.
It's time for me to try something else.
Yeah, great, okay, good.
So uhh, what then?
What? Youre gonna do what?
You're gonna go work for daddy??
You're gonna work for daddy!!
Screw you, Jack!!
I'm not letting you quit because
some girl broke your heart
and your too busy feeling
sorry for yourself.
Oh and uhh, by the way,
when we came out here we
had a deal, remember?
When we had some success and
then yes things fell apart
and it got really scary, for me
too, it got really really scary.
But we have another chance, right now.
A chance by the way buddy, I
scrambled my ass to get us.
So if you're gonna quit,
you're gonna quit after.
For now lets put away our
shit and do something great.
Have you been watching
Rudy again haven't you?
He was little but his dreams were big.
Okay.
Ahhh!
Okay.
Yeah?
Yeah!
I might have a new idea.
Ahh, is it set in space?
It is not set in space.
Beautiful.
Let me hear it.
Okay.
How's my little badger?
Hmm?
Maria, I can't stand to see you like this.
You have to get on with your life.
And stop eating, you're putting on weight.
Gee, thanks, dad.
Thanks for the pep talk.
I'm just saying, nobody
wants a fat old wife.
Your weight, you can still
do something about.
Where's mom?
Never mind your mother.
I know what you need.
I got you a present.
I'm picking it up later.
What is it?
It's a surprise, Maria.
This better not be a joke.
No jokes here, Maria.
We all know youve been moping around
because you miss a certain someone.
So, I brought him here.
Surprise!
It's the Portuguese doctor!
Hi, Maria.
Hello, Paul.
You surprised, Maria?
I think Im gonna be sick.
Theres nothing better for
sickness than a doctor!
What??
Maria?
Are you alright?!
Yeah, mom, I'm okay.
So?
Everything happens for a reason.
What the hells that mean?
It means...
Congratu-fricken-lations.
You got your funny back, Jack.
Yes!
This is brilliant.
It's original.
Man, it's unlike anything
youve ever written.
There's some structure
problems but I can fix that
I'll punch it up in a couple
days but wow dude wow!
You think we have a real shot?
Umm, I think we got ourselves a pilot deal.
Yes!
Well done!
Well done, well done.
Let's celebrate.
Cocktail hour at The Beagle.
I'll call Amy shes gonna
bring her friend Lisa.
Beautiful brunette, you will love her.
Lets do this.
I dunno.
No, no you haven't been out in forever.
You've been cooped up in
here for 48 hours straight,
you gotta get out.
And you've got to meet Lisa.
This Lisa.
She also work at the Home Hardware?
You know I like my women handy.
Alright I'll go.
I gotta figure out how
to fix my toilet anyway.
Don't lead with that.
Here I'll ah meet you in the car.
Gotta grab my cell.
Hurry dude!
Hey Wilson, what's up?
No, I'm just cleaning.
Why?
You're kidding?
They gave us the green-light?!
No, no, I'll be right there.
Mom?
What is it, Maria?
Can I talk to you for a minute mom?
Sure.
What is it, querida?
Uhh...
I don't know how to tell you this, uh,
I'm pregnant.
I know.
Did you tell Jack yet?
You knew?
A mother senses things.
Soon you will sense things too.
You are a lot like me, Maria.
But you inherited your
fathers stubbornness.
Mom, how am I ever gonna tell daddy?
He's always said hed rather die
than live with the shame of an
unmarried pregnant daughter.
He'll get over it.
He loves you.
Your father shouldnt be your main concern.
Do you really love Jack?
More than anything.
But it's just not meant to be.
Daddy hates him and Seora Maria
says that we're not meant for one another.
Stop trying so hard to please your father.
Do what you feel is in your heart.
As for Seora Maria,
I told you to stop seeing
her a long time ago.
I know.
You can't keep relying on her, Maria.
What happened to Marco would
have happened anyway...
With or without you.
But she was right.
Just like she was right about my job,
right about Uncle Joao's tumor.
Mom, shes always right!
Not always.
When I was younger, I was
madly in love with this boy.
When I was with him nothing else mattered.
He made time stand still.
Oh, I had a very bad case of love brain.
Oh god, could he make me laugh.
We were always laughing.
So one day he asked me to marry him.
That night, I prayed to God,
that Seora Maria would see
a bright future for us,
that we were a good match.
When we went to see her,
she looked me straight in the eye and said,
"He's not the one".
You see...
I knew he was the one,
I didn't dare go against the community.
You know how Portuguese people talk.
So, we broke up and it broke my heart.
A week later, Seora Maria
was calling him every day.
She wouldn't give any body
permission to marry him.
I ended up getting married
six months later.
Seora Maria was in love with dad?
No.
She was in love with Uncle Joao.
But that would mean that
you and Uncle Joao...
Were madly in love.
When I wasn't given
permission to marry him,
I was introduced to his older brother,
your father, and I settled down.
Not knowing the future
can be very frightening.
But it's the beauty of life.
Lose your fears, Querida.
Stop trying to control the
future and start living it.
Everybody makes mistakes.
But if you're too scared
to make them on your own...
You might miss out on something wonderful.
Querida.
I should have listened to
my heart, not Seora Maria.
Hello Jack, I'm umm, I'm pregnant.
Uhh.
Hello Jack, how are you?
I'm umm, I-I-I'm pregnant.
No um, hey Jack, umm, guess what?
Oh come on dummy get a grip.
Okay.
And, cut!
Perfect, it's looking great
guys, looking great.
Can we take it one more time
from the top of this scene?
Mhmm, yeah.
Wanna find another joke here?
Yeah, I'll figure it
out, I'll figure it out.
It's great though, it's great.
Brian, this time deliver the line
about the underwear with frustration.
Like you can't believe
shed even suggest that.
It looks like the sun will be up soon.
Yeah.
This is my favorite time,
right before dawn.
So peaceful.
Before anyone's has had a chance
to step out and ruin it all.
When I first came in here you
were listening to something,
what was it?
It's a song my cousin wrote.
It's kinda sad.
Mind if I listen?
Okay, come sit next to me
Time's running out
Only minutes away from saying goodbye
Will I see you again?
Can't let something this
perfect come to an end
So close, but yet so far,
thought I knew just who you are
Breaking down
My heart is through and through
How is it that you cant see you...
Are the one for me?
We almost had it all
But lost it somehow
My heart was placed with hope
But the flicker's going out
We almost had it all
But fate has taken you
Ladies and gentleman youve
all been so wonderful
and so patient, we're gonna be
going in about five minutes.
Enjoy the show!
Five minutes buddy!
We are gonna kill this.
What if we don't, huh?
What if our show ends up like
the "Marty's Party" pilot.
What is that I never saw that?
Exactly!
The studio audience was so silent
they pulled the plug before the second act!
Hey shh, that is not gonna happen here.
We are gonna rock this!
I promise you.
I need this, Wilson, this is my last shot.
I can't work at a Starbucks,
the learning curve there looks ridiculous!
Hey, guys.
What do think of Seora Maria's make-up?
I like it.
Looks good.
Let's make her creepier, huh?
Break a leg.
Break legs, Thelma.
Break legs!
Nice.
Here we go.
I don't care.
Mr. Bojangles totally
threw me under the bus.
Don't blame Mr. Bojangles.
You know, I specifically asked you
if you threw out the bathroom garbage.
And you said, "Yes!"
I thought I did.
I'm sorry!
So...
No uhhh, sex tonight?
Yes! Yes!
C'mon man, c'mon!
Don't make fun of Seora Maria!!
Oh, come on, she's a
freakin' fortune teller!!!
Who always happens to always be right!
She was right about my
dad, right about your mom,
right about my dad hooking
up with your mom!
She's never wrong!
Well, shes wrong about us.
All I know, is what I know.
And that's that...
I love you.
This is about you and me, not
about you, me and Seora Maria!
You called?!
What do you want?
I need to speak with Maria.
You've done enough to Maria!
I'm not leaving until I speak to her.
I should kill you for
what you did to Maria!
You have no respect!
You come here and use my front door?!
Nobody uses my front door!
Not even the mailman!
I'm not leaving.
Daddy, who is it??
Nobody...
Maria, It's me!
I have to talk to you.
There's nothing left to say Jack.
I still love you.
Do you still love me?
What are you doing?
I'll do anything for
another chance with us.
Whatever it takes...
Too much time has passed and I've moved on
and so have you.
That's not true.
I just finished shooting
my show and it's all...
I'm not feeling well.
Goodbye, Jack.
All you've ever done is upset her.
Oh, what the hell?!
Oops, sorry, we uhh...
We came here to you to celebrate
and you werent here so we...
We kinda started without you.
Hey, hey, Jack, uhh...
Hey.
Uh, Lisa from plumbing asks
about you all the time.
Hey dude, we did it!
The network ordered 12episodes right away!
We totally banged it man!!
Amy, can I talk to Wilson alone for a sec?
Yeah, yeah of course.
I'll uhh, see you in the
truck my little samosa.
Yes, yes, yes.
My big big hammer.
Dude, were you mad
that I was getting my pipes
cleaned on your couch?
No.
I bet you wish you had sprung
for scotch-guard now huh.
You should be drinking with me, we did it!
They're talking about a
Thursday night time slot man!
I went to see Maria.
And cancelled before we aired.
She wouldn't hear me out and
I don't know what to do.
This isn't going away, is it?
When we were writing, it was
like I was still with her.
I know its pathetic.
No, I get it.
I get it now that we're done
you feel like youre
losing her all over again.
Ah, shit buddy.
Alright.
I know what to do.
Here we go, here we go.
You ready?
This is stupid.
I love you.
Lets do this.
Come on, come on.
This is never gonna work Wilson.
Yes it will.
Look, all you gotta do is get
the old broad to give you the
thumbs up and then Maria
will take you back.
Okay, lets do this.
Hey, there.
Money.
Nice to see you too.
Want me to...
Alright.
I know its nuts, right?
But what do you got to lose?
Nothing.
You're like a little Portuguese ninja.
Shhh!
I see a quarrel in your
past that haunts you.
I see a reunion!
A man...
Apologizing.
Your father...
He feels guilty because he
forced you to play sports.
He realizes that he's been
trying to live his dreams through you.
That never happened.
I'm talking to him!
Oh my god.
That makes so much sense now.
He named me after a volleyball...
Look Seora Maria, kay we are
here to see my future, not his.
He paid, not you.
Jack I gotta go, I gotta call my dad.
I see you chasing a woman.
No wait...
Another.
I see you chasing two women.
That can't be.
Who are they?
I see Maria.
Who's the other?
Hmmmmm.
It's to murky, I can't tell.
No no, wait...
I see an Isabella.
Okay, look, Seora Maria.
Here's the deal.
Ok, I don't know who
this Isabella chick is,
but I'm in love with Maria.
I really need you to do
a new reading for us.
I need you to tell her we're a good match.
No Maria, no reading.
Then please call her Seora Maria
tell her you want to do a new reading.
Just please, I'm desperate here.
You're my last chance.
So, now you want the voo-doo lady's help?
You should have been a believer!
It's an international flight, you know?
You're never gonna make it.
Ahh, I'll drive fast.
I've got a few more minutes.
Ahhhh.
Doesnt feel real to me.
What?
Everything.
This whole night.
You, me, this diner.
It's like we're inside this other world
and nothing outside of this booth exists.
It's like ah, were Ina zombie movie
and we're the last two
people on the planet.
Yeah.
And like weve known each other...
Forever.
Jack?
What's the craziest thing
youve ever done for love?
Start the truck!
Start the truck!!!
What the hell are you doing?!!!
This is kidnapping!
If Maria wont come here.
I'll bring Seora Maria to her.
Are you insane?!
This is kidnapping!!!
Wilson, a little help!
Put me down you son of a bitch.
I curse you so that bad luck
will be the only luck you have!
She seems angry.
What is she doing?
She's trying to give me evil eye.
What does that mean?
It's a European thing.
Amy, get us out of here.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
I am cursing the Patriots too!
Leave them out of this!
Stop hugging me.
I'm not hugging you.
It feels like a hug, let go!
It didn't have to be like this!
Come on.
I'm not going anywhere with you!
Everybody put gloves on!
Come on out.
I am not coming out of this truck
Don't make me come in there.
You have to kill me to get
me out of this truck.
Hey!
What are you doing?!
Whoo-oooo, she is nimble.
I'm impressed.
Listen to me, Seora Maria.
You are gonna tell Maria
we are a good match!
You got it?!
Okay.
Son of a bitch!
She bit me!
Amy you got her?
Oh, I got her.
Jack, you alright?
Come on, lets do this!
Maria!!!
Maria!!!
I've brought our little friend!!
What are you doing here?!
I though youd give up by now!
If that's what you thought Seor Moniz
then you don't know Jack.
Does anyone have a pen?!
Call the police, Jose.
This guy is maluco!
What are you doing here, Jack?
You wouldn't hear me out before,
but I knew youd listen to Seora Maria
if I brought her here.
So, go ahead, ask her.
Maria, he is not the man for you!
He has no place in your future!
He will curse you!!
You shut up!
I'm sick of listening to you!!
Maria, some respect!
Not now.
I demand...
Enough, dad!!
I am sick and tired of being guilted
and listening to how everyone
thinks I should live my life.
Sometimes bad things just happen.
Because they do, not because I'm cursed.
A lousy coincidence...
That's all they've ever been.
But there is one person I
would like to hear from...
So, go ahead Jack.
Maria, I came here because I
wanted Seora Maria's blessing.
But the truth is...
I dont believe in her.
I-I tried, but...
I can't.
Because I cant believe in anything
that would want to keep us apart.
All I know, is what I know.
And thats that I love you.
From the first moment we met, I knew it.
I knew my life would never be the same.
And it hasn't.
I've missed you, Maria.
I have missed your
ridiculous superstitions,
your snoring, your obsessive cleaning.
I don't snore.
I even miss your insane family.
Sorry, guys.
Nahhh.
I've missed it all.
If you really feel that way Jack...
Then why did I see you
kissing that other woman?
What?
What woman?
The brunette, Jack.
I saw you kissing her at your place.
No!
No, no, no.
That was an actor who was
kissing another actor
who just kinda looks like me.
I know that sounds like
bullshit, but it's not.
I was directing them for my show,
which is all about you
and me and Seora Maria
and your family.
That's what I was trying to tell you.
A lot has changed, Jack.
Would you feel the same way...
If you knew?
You're uhh...
Immaculate conception?
I'm gonna be a dad.
What is it, what's the matter?
I think my water just broke.
Someone Callan ambulance!
Nonsense!
Maria's decided on a traditional
Portuguese home birth.
So, I'm calling the middle
wife, please bring her in.