1
Brothers, hold the line
Till we got something
This world is way too small
To feel like nothing
I was found near
The train tracks
Looking so homeless at you
You came like a copper
You said
"Son, it's time to move'
My love is comin'
I can barely hardly wait
Around
See you, Cal.
Well, if you hide
Your questions
There's no answer
I finally found the cure
For my own cancer
Yeah, yeah
Sue, no, no, no!
Kill yourself
on your own time.
My heart is thumpin'
I can feel it more
With every beet
My love is comin'
I can barely hardly wait
Around
According
to the Art of War by Sun Tzu,
every battle is won and lost
before it is fought.
Well, then I guess
you've already lost.
Oh, that's not very sporlsmanlike.
Let's fucking go!
I ain't goin' to hell with you
Thats alright now, baby
Just one last thing on my mind
Some say
Come on, come on, come on
Fuck, yeah
Fuck, yeah
Come on, come on, come on
Ladies. Hi again.
This is the third time
we've been out.
I know.
We're shutting this down.
You don't wanna shut the party down.
You wanna join us.
Why don't you put the guns in
the car and you come on in?
Hey, Bill.
Sorry I'm late, buddy.
Fucking MapQuest.
I know it, bro.
I'm right with you with that shit.
Look, guys.
Is this about earlier? When you first
came, I thought you were strippers?
Because that was an accident.
You're just very attractive.
Those uniforms are banging.
If we have to come out here
again, it's a $1000 fine.
Close it down.
Okay.
Message received.
It's done.
You have my word.
I'm gonna go inside,
get on the mike, shut it down.
Johnny, rosin up your
bow And play your fiddle hard
'Cause hell's broke loose
In Georgia
And the devil deals
The cards
And if you win
You'll get this shiny
Fiddle made of gold
But if you lose
The devil gels your soul
I don't understand why you
won't just put it on.
Because I don't
find the notion of mocking
the American underclass
as amusing as your friends do,
and because I don't share
your desperate need to fit in.
By not putting the wig on,
you are setting yourself
and me apart
from my friends,
which is a controlling
and hostile gesture.
Fine.
Happy now?
Yes.
Now I'm Mr. Fun Times.
I'm very happy. Thank you.
I'm going for a smoke.
Good, because
it's a fucking costume party.
Do we need to talk
quietly around her?
Oh, no, no, no.
She sleeps through anything.
Yes, you do.
When the babysitter bailed, Glenn and I were
like, 'Fuck it. We have missed every party.
No way we're missing
the White Trash Bash.
Give it up for Glenn.
Glenn's getting married soon.
I really did it.
Aww.
What's the deal with your
bachelorette weekend?
Yeah!
I think it's gonna be
more of a bachelorette night.
And it's gonna be at
my folks' place in Jersey.
Oh.
Sorry.
That's gonna be fine.
That's totally fine.
Has anyone seen Glenn?
Human torpedo!
It's okay.
He's a doctor.
Hey, buttheads,
you guys seen Duquez?
Will you relax
with the doughnuts?
Oh, sweetie, I want to. I'm trying to push
the savory and all they want is the sweet.
I promise you
no one cares.
Hey. Where the fuck
are the doughnuts?
Except him.
Guess what.
D. Duquez is AWOL.
That is unacceptable.
I gotta have it out with that guy.
Like the doughnut police.
Hey, get off of that thing.
It's Saturday night.
Well, it's Sunday in Korea, and those
motherfuckers don't stop working.
They make the Japanese
look like Jamaicans.
Is that the new BlackBerry?
Yes, it is. Got it at the office.
As punishment for not dressing up,
I'm putting this down my pants.
No, no, no.
Just don't do that.
My dick's checking your e-mail.
I'm sending a text.
Don't do that.
You have my life in your pants.
You cocksucker.
North Carolina
How kind will she be?
Hey, you two, get a room
or get a video camera.
Whoo!
Hello. Excuse me, miss.
Hi.
My name is Eric. This is my house.
My party, sort of.
You're looking at a bunch of options.
This is the one you want.
This is the finest box of wine
in the county.
Really?
Yes, delicious.
It has absolutely no body and an
amazing cough-syrupy aftertaste.
Go ahead.
Cheers.
Don't get it on your skin.
All right?
Oh. Yeah.
Wow.
Not bad, right?
Mmm. Really good wine.
Mm-hm.
Even better bean dip.
That's not bean dip!
What?
I'm kidding.
You knew that.
That's awesome.
You're the first person
to eat out of that.
Not many people are thrilled
about eating out of a shitter.
Really? In prison, we used
our crapper as a punchbowl.
Really? No kidding?
I have never seen you
at one of these things.
First time.
We'll have to change that.
We do these kind of things
all the time.
You know, Labor Day. We're gonna
have a big Winter Wonderland party.
Wow.
Snow machine.
Gonna be sledding.
Should be interesting.
Give me your information.
Ehhl
What?
Information?
Are you kidding me?
No.
Really?
Yes.
Yes, like what?
Like my social security number,
my college GPA?
Why don't we start with your
phone number and your shoe size?
Okay.
Okay.
I happen to have a pen.
Of course you have a pen.
You gotta be ready.
Always be prepared.
Ah, ah, ah.
What?
On my baby.
Look at that.
Oh, I'm so jealous of
this baby. I'm so jealous.
Oh, you wanna get out, I wanna get in there.
Ha-ha-ha. I'm kidding.
Kelly, local number?
Local girl.
You kidding me?
Get out.
Size 9 shoe.
Mm-hm.
You know what they say.
'Big shoe, big uterus.
I'll bring friends.
Real sorry.
If you excuse me, I see an
old friend just showed up.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
Nice meeting you.
Nice to meet you too.
Hey, fucko.
Excuse me.
I'm really mad, actually.
What's wrong with this guy?
Bye, guys.
Daddy's gotta go home.
One more for the road.
Shotgun!
Oh!
Michael.
I wasn't ready. Throw another.
Asshole.
You're supposed to catch that.
Come on, baby,
we're going.
Bye. Guys.
Bye, Katie.
I'm sorry if I got beer
on your baby.
You, you.
Where have you been?
I'm sorry. There was
a mess in the studio.
There was this
buzzing undertone
that was bending me over
and fucking me in the ass.
Yeah. I'm not seeing
any doughnuts.
You specifically
said get the glazed.
They didn't have glazed.
I tried. There was jelly.
There was Boston cream.
Jelly, Boston cream.
Eric, I have a whole package
of ginger candies in my bag.
Hi, Willow.
Mmm, thank you.
But we're gonna be okay.
McCRUDDEN:
I found you a big brown naked!
I can't get it off!
I can't shake it off!
Hey, everybody
naked in the pool.
Well, that's a half hour
ahead of schedule.
Yeah! Anybody?
Anybody?
Oh, you all suck.
Chickenshit.
Want me to go to Brent's?
Pick up Entenmann's?
Don't worry about it.
Now I'm gonna go jump
in that pool
because McCrudden
is dying in there alone.
That's what friends do.
See, they don't leave each other hanging.
Where's your patriotism?
My man.
I got you.
My fucking BlackBerry.
Dad, what are you
doing here?
Uh, hmm.
Oh, yeah, I own the place.
Cherie, this is my son, Eric.
Hi.
He's told me all about you.
Ah, yeah.
Great party. Thanks for
letting us sleep it off.
No problem.
Hm. It must have been
quite a fiesta.
Oh, yeah,
I guess so.
Did the best I could
with the turds.
I know you did, Bill. I wish you would
have let me know you were coming out.
Maybe we can throw someone
down on a couch.
Ah, we're not staying.
I just came out for the day to do a
meet-and-greet with the brokers.
Brokers?
You got the message, right?
I saw that you called.
I'm putting the house
on the market.
What? Wait, you're selling
our house?
Ah, I'm hardly ever
out here anymore.
It's time to unload.
But hey, what about me?
I'm always out here.
My friends are always out here.
So make me an offer.
Ah. Ha-ha-ha.
Dad, come on.
I don't ask you for anything.
How about this?
We go get breakfast.
We talk over
the house situation.
Maybe we all can chip in
for utilities?
Ah, I'm a little pressed
for time, kiddo.
We're gonna go play a quick nine
and then gotta get back.
Cherie's never played before.
I'm so excited.
Dad, this is fucking bullshit.
I'll call you next week.
We'll do yoga.
I've said it before
and I'll say it again.
Your dad is a selfish prick.
Smoothie?
Ooh.
It's gonna be sad
not coming out here.
Me and Willy might not
even be around next summer.
The L.A. thing again?
Are you serious?
You just moved into
that place in Brooklyn.
But Willow's doing really
good with her acting.
She did that Pizza Hut
Latin America commercial.
Ooh, deliciosa!
Her dad is gonna hook me up
with a job at a big law firm.
What about the album?
I'll work on the album
while I'm doing law.
Yeah? Will you?
You know what I'm excited about?
Throwing one of these parties
in my one-bedroom apartment.
That'll be fun, right?
Maybe I can put
the food out on the fire escape.
Eric.
The band in the bathroom.
I have to get more outlets.
I'll get a power strip.
Why not? I'll splurge.
Eric.
What?
This is a major moment.
It's okay to let the hurt in.
To allow yourself to actually
be present in a moment.
Okay, thanks, doc. You really
make the moment more real
by talking about how real
the moment is in the middle.
No, I understand.
You're probably feeling
some anger and some
misdirected frustra-
Feel better now?
A little bit, yeah.
Dude, that was awesome.
Oh, fuck!
Oh!
What about now?
Oh, much better.
Now I'm in the moment.
McCRUDDEN: I don't
understand summer school.
Isn't the point of being a teacher
that you get summers off?
Well, they pay us poop, so,
what am I gonna do, waitress?
Oh, my God, the big news.
So the principal told me today
that the friendship bracelets that the girls
are wearing are actually sex bracelets.
Hmm.
What?
I saw something
about that on Oprah.
Girls we r these different
color bracelets
and every color represents,
like, a sex thing.
So if you tear off a girl's
blue bracelet,
that means
she has to give you oral.
Yup.
What's a yellow bracelet?
Uh, a hug.
Aww.
Oh, sweet.
I know.
What about purple?
Teabagging?
Oh!
Really?
Well, what is teabagging?
Balls in mouth.
Oh, no!
Teabagging?
What is with the kids today?
Well, the blowjob
is the new French kiss.
Wow, we really missed
the boat on that one.
I feel like if we had had
sex bracelets back then,
no one would have
torn mine off.
Ohh. No, no, no, sweetie.
I would have torn off
your BJ bracelet.
You're just saying that,
but thanks, Eric.
Thanks for letting me
blow you.
You're welcome.
You're a good friend.
Hey, Dody.
Mm-hm?
Hi. Can I help you?
Are you Eric?
Yes.
Hi. We spoke on the phone.
I'm Dody Henderson from
the Henderson Realty Group.
And this is my associate
Kelly Tanner.
Hi. How are you?
Hi.
No, thank you.
Lame.
Oh, I shouldn't.
Mm-hm.
We can't wait
to get your house sold.
We need this place
clean, clean every day.
Water the lawns,
skim the pool.
You never know when buyers are gonna
stop by to say hi and buy, buy.
Oh, B-U-Y! Ha, ha!
Whatever.
Oh, and make sure the toilets
are clean enough to eat out of.
Yeah, whatever.
Maybe I should sprinkle some
rose petals on the driveway too.
Just do what you can.
Will do.
Wow.
What are the chances of maybe selling
this sometime after Labor Day?
You wanna sell a summer home
during the summer.
That's kind of the point.
So glad we're in
business together.
Om shanti.
Om.Shanti it is.
Vultures.
Yeesh.
It's light. It's light.
We should put it up closer.
Like there?
McCRUDDEN: Oh, yeah.
That'll bring in all the right clientele.
Listen. Have you given any more thought
to the final Labor Day blowout?
I really don't know.
I mean, obviously,
we gotta do something huge.
But what do you do
for a final blowout?
Go out in a blaze of glory.
Heads held high.
I get it.
Deserved...
Holy shit. Oh, shit.
Here we go. Bingo.
What?
I got the concept right here.
Brown party.
Brown party.
Brown party.
Brown clothes, brown food,
brown drink,
brown clown,
brown balloons,
live music supplied by
Jackson Browne.
I don't know what you're
thinking. Is that good?
It's fucking awful.
Take it easy.
I'm just spitballing.
It's not like you're throwing
ideas my way.
He spells with an E at the end.
Doesn't matter.
Holy shit.
We got a situation here.
Oh, my fucking God.
Dude, she's wearing
a sex bracelet.
McCRUDDEN:
Holy fuck, she is.
Oh, boy, that's trouble.
It's blue. It's blue.
Sword swallower.
When she reaches out for my
cone, I'm gonna snag that thing
and it's deep-throat city
all night long.
No, no, no.
Please don't do that.
Don't. No, stop.
Stop. Stop it.
I bet she unhinges her jaw like a
fucking python swallowing a rat.
Um, do you guys
know what you want?
Yes, we do.
Yeah. We got a pretty good idea.
No, ice cream
is what we're into.
Do you think a girl like that looks at
us like we're a couple of old dudes?
The way we used to look at 30-year-old
guys back in high school and say,
'Oh, man, look at that
lame old guy hitting on Sue.
Ha, ha. Yeah, probably.
I don't know. Weren't 30-year-old
guys a lot older back then
with, like, mustaches
and jobs?
It certainly seemed like it.
Yeah.
What?
Fuck, dude, we're getting old.
Bullshit. Come on.
I got a foot cramp
the other day masturbating.
What? Doesn't make sense.
I swear to God. It happened.
Do you think that girl and her
friends really have BJ orgy parties?
Indubitably.
Really?
Duquez is right.
We got fucking hosed.
Goddang.
Hey, what about that?
What about what?
What about that
for the final party?
What?
An orgy.
An orgy?
An orgy.
You wanna have an orgy?
Why not?
Get out of town.
it'll never happen.
Why not?
Why not?
Because people don't
have orgies, you know?
Oh, come on. They used to.
True.
Yeah, think about it, dude.
An orgy.
A good old-fashioned orgy.
Wowie.
That is a blaze of glory.
Okay. Now you know
I hate naysayers, right?
But I'm gonna have to say nay.
Really?
Really.
Are you throwing down
the gauntlet?
Oops, what's that?
It's on the ground
as we speak.
We're gonna have an orgy.
We're gonna have an orgy.
Oh, boy. Here we go.
Okay, guys,
I've been mulling it over
and I have a concept
for the final fiesta.
All right.
What is it?
Whoo!
Fiesta.
While this will be
the most spectacular
and insane party any of us have taken
part of, it's not gonna be a big thing.
It's just gonna be us.
It's gonna be small,
intimate, special.
Oh, I'll make lasagna.
Yummy.
Oh, yeah.
We're gonna have an orgy.
Who?
Us.
Where?
Right here. Labor Day weekend.
Us? A naked sex orgy?
You're kidding, right?
No, I'm not. Why not us?
People used to have them
all the time.
All the time.
What happened
to our generation?
What happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
AIDS.
AIDS.
AIDS hit right
when we hit puberty.
And it scared the shit
out of all of us.
It turned sex into this big,
frightening thing.
He's right.
Kids today are freaks,
our parents were freaks,
we're a bunch of
fucking pussies.
We're the lamest generation.
This is our chance.
Our chance to do it right.
Take back what's
been taken from us.
Isn't that from Goonies?
I am paraphrasing Goonies.
Orgy. Orgy.
Orgy. - Orgy. - Orgy. -
Duquez, come on.
You're into this, right?
What? Heh-heh-heh. No.
We're all friends.
It would just be too weird.
How do you know unless you try?
EW!
If we all went into this with an
open mind, it could be amazing.
In theory,
a noble call to arms.
In practice, I cannot
imagine a more awkward
and uncomfortably
terrible evening.
Oh, laugh, laugh,
laugh all you want.
Seriously, don't you get it?
This is it,
the final blowout,
and then the house is gone.
People move away.
Things change.
We need to think
outside of the box.
And inside the box.
Eww.
Mike, that's not
what I'm going for.
Come on. An orgy?
What?
What?
Are you serious?
Yes, it worked. Ha-ha-ha.
Come on. An orgy?
It's madness.
Ugh.
It's gonna be a fucking blast.
Success!
Success!
Sue's in.
Thank you, yes.
Here we go.
Come on.
I'm gonna go meet Marcus.
Oh, my God.
All right, think it over.
Think it- Everybody, okay.
All right, I get it.
It's gonna hike a while to come
around on this whole orgy idea.
Right? Hero?
No, okay. H, h I
Very good, but go ahead, type it in your
BlackBerrys, pencil it in your notebooks.
Orgy. Orgy.
Orgy. Orgy.
Orgy. Orgy. Orgy.
So, Sue, you think this is how you're
gonna finally sleep with Eric?
What? We dated
in high school.
Come on,
that was ages ago.
You guys never,
you know, did it,
so it's kind of
unfinished business.
Yeah, but I've slept with
like a ton of guys since then,
so this doesn't have
anything to do with it.
Fine, but other
than social awkwardness,
give me one reason.
Oh, very well. How about
I give you several reasons?
Like, oh, I don't know,
chlamydia, the herp,
gonorrhea,
syphilis, papilloma.
The Steve McQueen movie?
No, that's Papillon.
The virus that causes genital warts.
Ugh. Why do you think
of this stuff?
Don't you remember the article my
mom clipped from The New Yorker?
No.
Condoms can't stop it
and it causes cervical cancer.
You don't have a cervix.
I don't know how you could have sex
in front of a room full of people.
I mean, I don't even like
to get naked at the spa.
I'm not saying that this is
gonna be easy for me,
but isn't that what
kind of makes it exciting?
I'm not saying that
it wouldn't be fun,
but it's an orgy.
What's the point of
losing all this weight
if you're not gonna show off
your new bod?
You haven't even worn
your bikini yet.
I still have
5 more pounds.
I think this could help
build your self-esteem.
There's the miracle cure. I'm gonna start turning
my clients onto group sex instead of Zoloft.
We're going to the beach.
At least do that.
It's our last summer.
Let's go to the beach.
Shockingly, I'm gonna pass on the
stroll through the tick-infested dunes.
Dude, I've had
Lyme disease.
It's not a big deal.
It's antibiotics, boom, done.
You know I have a needle phobia.
Okay? I can't go to the doctor.
The puncturing
the veins and the... Ugh.
Okay, whatever.
Enjoy the great indoors.
Yeah. Bye.
Okay.
Ooh, hey, Eric. Uh, could you
grab some sand for my ass crack?
I'll grab some
for your cervix.
Okay. Let's say you dated
four guys in one year,
right, and you slept
with them.
You'd be cool with that?
Totally.
And how many guys
have you slept with this year?
None.
Or the year before.
So really all you're doing
is sleeping with four guys
in, like,
a shorter time frame.
I never really thought
of it that way.
What do you think?
Insane, idiotic
and self-destructive.
Okay, hypothetically.
Mm-hm.
If I did decide to do it,
but at the last minute,
I totally freaked out,
they would let me out,
right?
Laura, it's an orgy,
not The Accused.
It's not fun
unless everybody's into it.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
Yeah? Yeah?
I'm gonna do it.
All right. Yeah, girl.
Hey, guys,
what's the celebration?
Just talking about how to get
Laura back in the saddle.
Whoo, yay!
I'm gonna find you a guy.
Glenn's cousin Frank
is coming to the wedding.
He runs a karate studio in Hoboken.
Pretty cool.
McCRUDDEN:
Okay, Game on. Let's go.
All right, John Kruk.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna throw,
and you're still gonna whiff at it.
Slow breaking curveball.
Oh!
Goddamn it! I dare you
to throw that again.
Sweet Wiffle,
the nerd's revenge.
Ooh, I got my
bunt face on.
Drills, ladies. Drills.
Let's go. Look alive.
Album cover,
hat or no hat?
Oh, Doug,
come on, man.
You've been doing this
for two years.
Mixing, remixing.
Hatting, no hatting.
Your music's awesome.
Get it out there.
No one will give it a shot if they don't dig my look.
It's an image-based industry.
What the fuck(? This is why
you're headed for a shitty job.
You need to stop trying to look like a
rock star and start living like one.
Yeah, do the orgy.
Do the orgy.
You think Mick Jagger
would have said,
'No thanks, mate.
No orgy for me.
I've got an on-again-off-again
girlfriend.
'I don't
wanna cheat on David Bowie.
'No cheating on Bowie.
Hey, Willow.
I know what Tom Hanks
feels like now.
My only concern, Duque,
is that the hat doesn't
make you look gay enough.
Oh, yeah.
You could Photoshop in three
guys jizzing on your face?
Or on the hat?
Ooh, ooh.
That's good.
Hey.
You could take that five-song demo, make it a double album.
One with the hat, one without it?
You could call it, uh,
Exile on Hat Street.
Yeah, or Jagged Little Hat?
Oh, Meat Loaf. Hat Outta Hell.
What about Sgt. Pepper's
Lonely Hats Club Hat?
What if I just call it My
Shitty Friends Don? Respect Me?
Indie. You won't be able
to sell at Walmart.
Who's next up to hat?
Two and two to Harvey Key.
Sandy winds up and delivers.
Ooh, hoo-hoo-hoo!
Fuck me.
Hey, Ali Cat.
Hi.
Like what you see?
This could be all yours
Labor Day weekend.
Oh, Eric.
Do you mind if
I make an observation?
Oh, boy. Sure, go ahead.
You have intimacy issues.
Really? Yeah.
I figured an orgy is
as intimate as it can get.
No, no, no, but intimacy
isn't about intercourse, Eric.
It's about emotion.
Mm-hm.
You don't need to get laid.
You need to be in a relationship.
Heh, heh. Look, just because
you're in an unhappy relationship,
doesn't mean
the rest of us need to be.
I'm not in an unhappy
relationship.
I'm in an adult relationship.
It's fun, whatever it is.
Hold on one sec?
Hey, Marcus. You want
to hike a few cracks with the bat?
No, thank you.
Football is my game,
European football.
Gotcha.
Did he date Siegfried or Roy?
I can't remember.
Oh!
God, it's embarrassing
watching you play this sport.
Aww, it's cow shit.
Look, doc, it's your life.
You can do
whatever you want.
All I'm saying is that maybe
Labor Day weekend
might be the last chopper
out of Saigon for you.
Knock, knock.
Guess who.
Dody! Ha-ha-ha.
These are the Webers.
How you doing?
We brought some extra signs
because someone
is stealing ours.
Oh. That's too bad.
Oh, good. Okay.
Hey, guys. Do me a favor?
When you go in the house, don't
go to the basement or anything.
Not that there's anything or anyone
down there in a cage or otherwise.
Thanks, Eric.
That's so helpful.
What is he talking about?
Oh, gosh. Don't worry. Don't worry.
He's a little off.
It's a head injury.
That's why he wears
the helmet.
Are they all challenged?
Yes. But at least
they have each other.
Oh, that's so great.
Have fun with your game,
sweetie.
Thanks, Mrs. Weber.
We are five minutes
from Indian Wells Beach.
And wait till you see
your bedroom.
What if someone comes in?
These people never knock.
I just locked the door.
Fine, but you really
must be quiet.
None of your usual screeches.
Okay, okay, okay.
Yes?
Yeah.
Oh, Marcus. Oh...
Let's get you out
of these dirty little panties.
Do it. What?
What's going on? Why are you stopping?
What's going on? Hey.
What?
What have you done
to your vagina?
I shaved it.
Why?
I don't know.
Because I thought it would be
something different, sexy.
Women are supposed to have pubic hair.
Why would I find it sexy?
You look like
a prepubescent girl.
I'm not a child molester.
Okay, you know what, it's hair,
Marcus, and it's gonna grow back.
Well, I wished you
would have told me
about your little secret
before I unwrapped this.
This lambskin condoms
cost 2 Euros.
It's wasteful.
I did it for you!
You could have
consulted with me.
I don't make you wear
deodorant because you don't want to!
Alison, you're being
like a child.
Fuck you, go away!
You go away.
I think this is chemical.
Darling, what dosage
are you hiking?
You- Fuck you!
This is your problem.
I was just expressing my
sexuality in a healthy manner.
God forbid, Marcus,
that we experiment a little bit.
Fine.
I'm going back to the city
and I'm taking the iPod.
Fine. Leave!
And your breath is terrible!
My breath is natural.
Unlike your vagina.
Fuck you!
Oh. Jesus.
Sorry.
Ahem. It's all right.
The worst part is
I'm just peeing right now.
I've been kicking
around a few ideas.
Party themes.
Let me know what you think.
First one, Roman, right?
You're talking togas, wine,
bushels of grapes,
the whole deal.
Then I also have '70s, right?
We got the swinger vibe,
polyester, big hair,
upstairs and down, you know?
Um, I don't know.
What about the Kama Sutra?
That's actually not bad.
Yeah?
Ye h, ye h, like the sex secrets
of the E st, right?
Mm-hm.
Oh, that's- Yeah.
You know you have like,
uh, incense, tapestries.
Veils, diaphanous fabrics.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have no idea what the hell
that is, but I like it.
You and me, we're on the
same page with this.
Right? I think so.
Absolutely.
How do you spell 'Kama'?
Yeah.
Dude, babe alert
at 3 o'clock.
Three o'clock.
My 3, my 3.
Wait.
That hurts my dink.
Wait a minute.
That's Kelly.
Who?
My Realtor.
Oh, shit, the enemy.
Listen to me. Listen.
We cannot afford to lose the casa
de sex before Labor Day, okay?
You go over there, you get in
tight with her, lay on the charm,
and get her to drag ass
selling the house.
No, no, that is-
Yes, yes.
She is a tough cookie.
She'll see through that.
Her? Please, dude,
you're the king.
A little winey-diney, she'll
be your humble wench servant.
Keep friends close,
but enemies closer.
Yeah. That doesn't make any sense.
Just go fucking charm her, okay?
Okay.
Go, go, go.
All right.
Do the thing.
What?
The smile thing. Ahem.
Kelly. Kelly. Hi.
Oh, Eric.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, my God, look at this.
Watch.
I hope anything I said didn't screw
anything up with the client.
I was joking around.
I didn't freak them out?
Oh, no. Not at all.
Oh, good.
You were wearing that helmet
so I was able to convince them
that, you know,
you ride the short bus.
Well, that's good.
Yeah. Thanks.
Well played.
Hey, do you mind if-?
Maybe I can make up to you.
Take you out to dinner
or something?
Could be fun, yeah?
Oh, gosh, thanks.
Um, technically, I'm not supposed
to go out with clients so...
Well, technically
my dad's the client.
Right now I'm just some
random dude on the beach.
She's smiling. Look, she's smiling.
She's buying it.
Okay. I'll go to dinner
with you.
All right.
But, tell me which party
we met at.
Was it one of my parties?
Mm-hm.
Okay. What, um...
Oh, was it the
Cuba Libre party because
I was in mojito haze
that whole day and I just-
Nope.
No.
Oktoberfest in July?
Nope.
Oh, oh, no, no, I know.
I know.
Uh, it was the Star Trek versus Star
Wars Battle for the Universe Party
and you were dressed
as Obi-Wan Kenobi.
How drunk do you get
at these parties?
Uh, pretty drunk.
It's kind of a social obligation.
Okay. I'm gonna
give you a hint.
I wear a size 9 shoe.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God,
you're bean dip girl.
You're bean dip girl?
I am.
Have you been bean dip
girl the whole time?
Oh, he's so good.
I can't believe that.
I was gonna call you.
I had your number
on my hand
and I jumped in the pool
and it was gone.
I thought I lost you.
I thought you were gone forever.
And you-
You look so much better
without the fake baby.
I actually prefer the mullet.
Oh, I just cut it yesterday.
Oh.
For work.
Don't think this whole funny,
charming thing right now
gets you off
for stealing my signs.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I'm furious
those signs are gone.
You're lying.
I'm not lying.
Your voice just went up.
What?
I.. I'm..
I'm not lying. I am not lying.
You're so lying.
No, I'm not.
Fucking James Bond. Fuck.
Wow, look at that, huh?
Holy smokes.
Another gorgeous shot.
Yeah, thanks.
What should I use,
pitching wedge or nine?
I used the nine.
I think maybe
I should use the wedge.
Or use the wedge.
Ugh! Why am I like this?
Oh, just pick a club and hit it.
What is the big deal?
Will you do the orgy with me?
Hey, can we
play through?
Hold on a second, man.
The orgy.
You think that would be
a good idea?
I'm stuck.
And I think the reason
is because
I feel like a fucking fraud.
I'm not cool.
I have a law degree.
I ride a motorcycle and it scares
the fucking shit out of me.
And I play golf at my mom's
fucking country club
with assholes like this.
What's the holdup?
Play the wedge!
This is not rock 'n' roll.
This could be
really good for me.
For me and for us.
Will you do the orgy with me?
Sure, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Yeah.
Really?
Holy shit.
Yeah.
If you're sure
this is what you want.
Yeah, absolutely.
Good.
I think.
Fore!
So you wanna know why
guys don't get as excited
about their wedding
as women do?
See, it used to be like a guy would get
rewarded for his commitment with sex.
But you and Glenn have
had sex like a billion times.
For God's sake, you guys
have a kid together.
So for Glenn, it's just kind of
like all commitment, no reward.
You know?
I'm the fucking reward.
Of course you are.
Of course.
No.
Hello?
Something's wrong.
He's never late.
Try him again.
I have been trying him.
He's not answering
his phone.
At least he won't wear a white
tuxedo like you dickheads.
Oh, God,
that's good.
Oh, sweet Lord in heaven.
What the fuck,
are you stoned?
No. No, no, no, better.
I'm wearing a thing called
The Yank. From Adam & Eve.
One end straps around your leg,
the other end around your wang.
The brochure says, 'With every stride,
it gives your member a gentle tug.
Ahh.
What are you doing with a rope
on your cock at my wedding?
Endurance training,
Labor Day.
Mm-mm.
For what? A jack-off marathon?
What? Uh, yeah.
That's exactly it.
You nailed it. Heh, heh.
Hey, check it out.
Look who's here.
Oh, fantastic.
Another asshole in white hails.
Keep the change, man.
Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God.
Well, well, well.
Look at you.
You're late, you're in costume,
and you appear to be hammered.
Who the hell
are you?
Long story. I got fired.
What?
What?
It had more to do with the fact that I
almost blew a $2 billion merger deal
because some bozo jumped into
the pool with my BlackBerry.
Oh, shit. Dude.
I spent most of last night
crying and drinking
and then I drunk-dialed my mom.
She kind of talked me down.
Then I woke up this morning,
had a little more to drink
and I realized, you know what?
This is good. I'm free.
Adam, I'm so sorry.
Shh, shh, shush.
You're my friend.
No, they took my twenties
from me.
And I plan to make my thirties
making up for it.
And you know what else?
I'm doing the orgy. Fuck it.
Orgy?
What orgy?
The fuck are you
talking about?
See, this is exactly why we
should have told him, Eric.
Told me what?
That's what we're doing
for Labor Day. An orgy.
Bullshit. Who's having an orgy?
It's me, Willow,
these two fellas,
Laura, Sue, now drunkie.
Waiting on Alison.
Jesus H.
Fucking Christ.
How come you cocksuckers didn't
think of this fucking orgy idea
five fucking years ago?
Goddamn it!
Ahem. Uh, Glenn.
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to start without your friend.
Oh, he's here.
He's, uh...
Hi, Rabbi.
No.
Pardon my French.
All right, everybody.
Introducing
for the very first time,
Mr. and Mrs. Glenn Pasillio.
Paciello.
Paciellio.
Here we go.
Whoo, whoo, whoo!
I am married.
Thank you.
I can't believe you guys
broke up because you shaved.
He's the weirdest,
creepiest guy ever.
Here you are, ladies.
You guys are definitely
broken up this time, right?
Fuck relationships.
Right now, all I wanna
do is have some fun.
No, I'm not afraid of love
Just because I run away
When you say you need me
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid H'
Labor Day.
I'm in.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, and I'm fully shaved.
Alison.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not making a speech.
Sorry about that.
it's, uh, private conversation.
Are you okay?
You know what they're doing over Labor Day?
Do you know what the party is?
What?
They're having a fucking orgy.
Heh-heh-heh.
What are you talking about?
They are having an orgy.
Like a sex orgy?
Like a sex orgy
and we're not invited.
Hey. Hi.
So is it true?
That all of you
are having this orgy
and you didn't think
to invite us?
What are you all
looking at me for? I-
Guys, you just got married,
okay?
L- You have a kid.
You don't-
Don't you think
it's a little inappropriate?
Well, of course
we wouldn't come.
It's that you didn't ask us.
You didn't even think of us.
In fact, you specifically
hid this from us.
We invited all you
to be here today,
just the most special
day of our lives,
and you, who are supposed
to be our closest friends...
There were family members who didn't
get invited so you could come.
Family members.
Right.
Now, we're just totally out of your
pervy little social club. Huh?
I don't believe this.
Sorry.
Are you happy?
Because you and your stupid orgy
just ruined our goddamn wedding.
Oh, come on, Glenn.
Kate!
Is it too late to invite them?
I'll go talk to her.
No!
Are you kidding me?
Guys, it's Katie.
She's gonna be fine
in like an hour.
I just realized
I'm really hammered
and I would really
like to dance.
I'm dancing too.
This reminds me
of our senior prom.
You still won't give me
a hand job, right?
it's the boom boom
it's the boom boom
Oh, baby
McCRUDDEN:
Oh, God.
It's amazing that you're still
so tight with your high school friends.
None of mine moved
back after college.
Yeah, it's a, uh... I don't know,
it's maybe corny to say,
but these guys and gals
are kind of like
the closest thing I've got
to a family these days.
That's why the house, the summer
house, it's like our rec center.
I think we're getting an offer
on the rec center.
My dad will be thrilled.
I knew it.
What?
I knew it wasn't a family
decision to sell the house.
No. We're not big into
family decisions anymore.
My mom,
she lives in Portland, Oregon,
with this, uh,
Reiki healer asshole.
Tell me exactly how you feel.
Oh, he's good. He's good.
Uh, no, she's kind of
out of the picture.
Her doing. Um, yeah,
it's just me and my dad.
Hm, well, your dad
seems like a fun guy.
Oh!
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, he's very fun.
He's a hoot.
Kind of like being raised
by an older fraternity brother.
He hit on me a little bit.
No.
He ask you to play golf?
Yes.
That's his move.
He's very good at golf. Very good.
But he did it right in front
of Cherie and she had no idea.
Neither did my mom
for a while.
Now if you will excuse me,
Oh.
I have to win this game
if you don't mind.
Does this make you...?
It's a little distracting.
That's not distracting at all. Oh!
Jesus.
I lied.
It was a little distracting.
We to hero to observe.
Th t is II.
You got rubbers on you?
McCRUDDEN: Yeah. What do you think
this is, an underground sex club?
Do you have any
idea where you're going?
McCRUDDEN: He said come in
through the warehouse entrance.
You got rubbers on you?
No.
What?
We to hero to observe.
Th t is II.
It's a sex club.
Semper H. Always prepared.
You know what I mean?
Doesn't that mean 'always faithful'?
Hey, who took Latin
in seventh grade?
Moi, okay? I brought a pack
with me if you need one.
Give me the signal.
I won't need one.
What do you want?
The password is chandelier.
Who's your connection?
Vic George, friend of my uncle's.
Yeah. He told me to expect you.
Come on in.
So welcome to the Paradiso.
What the fuck(?
Can I hike your clothes?
No.
You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Okay, follow me.
Yeah.
This is Bill.
Hey, Bill.
That was a panda.
Go easy on that thing.
Didi, Ginger.
Clambake.
Good look at that. That's pretty cool.
Yeah.
This group right here.
They're crazy, crazy, crazy.
Heh, heh.
Okay.
If you guys get a shot, get in the swing.
You will love it.
My grandma has that thing.
Another time,
probably.
You need anything,
just ask for Fred.
Oh, Fred's Beds?
That's a different Fred.
I'm a dentist.
Vic, he is over there in the
futon section. All right?
Okay.
Have a good time.
Thanks, Dr. Fred.
You guys be good.
Whoa. Should've had
this guy at the wedding.
Love the new Price is Right.
Work it out
Tum it straight
Youre the man
For the job
What are you doing?
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck.
McCRUDDEN:
Vic?
Hey, Mikey.
Hey.
Little McCrudden.
Holy shit, you've grown.
Yeah.
How you doing, baby?
Good, good.
How's your folks?
Good, they're on a cruise.
Mom got her pound cake
recipe published.
This is my buddy Eric.
Eric, Vic.
Your mom's a good woman.
Oh, how you doing, man?
Yeah. Good to meet you.
This is Ellen.
Ellen.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Eric and Mikey.
It's Mike. I go by Mike now.
First time at
the Paradiso, eh, guys?
Mm-hm.
Ooh, ooh.
Got a couple of cherries
to pop.
Come on, guys, hike off
the clothes and get fucking.
No. No fucking. No. Actually, no, no.
We're here more doing research
than anything else.
We're gonna throw an orgy.
We were hoping we can
get a little advice.
I see. Let's powwow
over at the snack nook.
Snack nook is good.
Snack nook.
Just let me finish up here.
No rush.
Rush if you want.
Rush a little.
Oh.
Come on, cowboy.
Time to shine.
Yeah. Almost.
Let's keep going, just a second.
I'll be right there,
just a second.
There we go.
Look at me, not her.
Look at me, not her. Look at me.
I'm not gonna look at him.
Oh.
Oh. Ah.
Did your brother finish college?
I know he switched a couple schools.
Yeah. Oof. Oh.
Yeah.
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Do me a favor,
count me down.
Five, four, three-
Go back to 10!
Ten, nine, eight-
Oh! Your mom's
a good woman.
A little early on that one.
He just said your mom's
a good woman when he ejaculated,
just so you know.
Holy shit,
I got a second one.
Holy shit.
So you kids are gonna
have an orgy? Hm?
So, Vic, as someone that's
clearly done this type of thing
thousands of times, I'm guessing,
we could really use your expertise.
How do we make sure
that the women are into it?
The women?
Yeah.
Don't worry about the women,
worry about you guys.
Us? What?
Women are in touch
with their sexuality.
Guys are much more likely to freak out
at the sight of someone else's junk.
Taquito?
Uh... No, thanks.
I ate just before I came.
You see? This is what I'm talking about.
You're scared shitless.
You won't even touch
the taquito.
It's like it's a cock and you're
afraid to put it in your mouth.
I swear to God, I had a bacon
cheeseburger like 45 minutes ago.
Hi.
McCRUDDEN: Hi.
Okay, so how
do we make it happen?
You can't make an orgy happen.
It has to evolve organically.
Just because you have a bunch
of naked people in the room
doesn't mean
you're all going to get it on.
You might just need a really
intense conversation.
Sometimes a girl just
wants to have a heart-to-heart,
and she ends up
pulling a train.
Uh, pulling a train?
Mm.
Yeah, you know.
A train.
Gawk, gawk, gawk.
Chicka-chicka-chicka. Whoo-whoo!
Ha-ha-ha.
That's a choo-choo train. Thank you.
Hey. Ellen, hello.
Vic.
Two-minute warning.
I'm ready whenever you are.
She always is.
Ah.
Wow. Yes.
One more thing.
Every wolf pack has a leader.
I take it you're the lead wolf?
Fucking A.
Uh, yeah. I guess so. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, then it's
all on your shoulders.
If you don't run,
nobody behind you can run.
Oh, that's good.
What does that mean? What do I do?
You have to get naked.
Okay.
Uh- I get that.
Mm-hm.
Not just your body.
You've gotta get naked in your mind,
in your heart, in your soul.
You've gotta be honest
with yourself and everybody
about what you want. If you're
a pegger, be honest about that.
Okay.
If you're polyamorous,
put it out there.
You want to put on
a diaper, embrace it.
But trust me, if you put up walls,
everybody's gonna put up walls.
The whole thing is
dead in the water.
What is a pegger?
Chick fucks a dude up the ass
with a strap-on.
Yeah, not really my bag,
but like I always say,
I'm willing to try
anything twice.
I always say it.
Ha-ha-ha!
Hey, guys. Hey!
Hello, senator. Hello.
This is a lot to process.
You listen to me.
You can't force it
and you can't fake it.
So you better cut the bullshit,
nut up, and be a man.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I feel the blood
rushing back to my sword.
I noticed that.
Well, hey, Vic, thank you.
This is all good stuff.
Good advice.
Yeah. Good. Thank you.
My pleasure, guys.
Okay, watch that thing.
This is unnecessary.
Watch that thing.
Good luck.
Oh, one more thing.
Buy some scented candles.
It helps hide the smell of ass.
Okay. Good, good, good.
Smart.
Smart, smart, smart.
Don't eat anything here.
You son of a bitch.
Don't.
Uh-oh.
Holy shit, is that-?
Oh, boy.
Keep going.
Don't let her see you.
Oh!
Hey, what the fuck(?
Oh. Man, oh, man. All right.
That was good?
That was good.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, here we go.
You ready?
Showtime.
Sh- Shit.
I'm gonna count that.
Okay.
I'm gonna count that there.
Okay.
Yeah, it's juvenile.
I've been meaning to ask you something.
What?
What's Dody like as a boss?
She just seems like she could be
a little, you know, domineering.
Oh, my gosh, no. I mean, she's
not what you think, you know.
I mean, of course,
at work she's all business,
but, Eric, she has
traveled the world.
No shit.
She speaks all these languages.
Wow.
She's just full of surprises.
Oh, I bet she is.
I bet she's been places
I can only imagine.
So, like, now that
you're super into me...
No, there's something
I actually have to tell you.
Sincerely I, um...
Really?
Yeah, I kind of misled you.
Uh...
What you saw today was not an actual
representation of my Frisbee golf skills.
Yeah. I let you win.
Really?
Yeah...
So I want a rematch.
Like, bigtime.
Or you could just stick
to sucking at pool.
Ooh.
SSS!
Oh.
One more.
That's it, though.
No.
That was the last one.
That's for the road.
I will call you.
Okay.
All right.
See you.
Hey, um...
What are you doing
for Labor Day?
Oh, yeah. Is that-?
Yeah, Labor Day.
Um, you know what?
The guys and the crew,
we're all gonna, um...
We're doing
this small little thing,
this intimate little thing.
Nothing- Nothing special.
Well, I was thinking
that maybe, you know,
your friends and my friends
could get together.
Yeah.
Oh, that sounds great.
Yeah?
We should definitely
look into that maybe.
Yeah. It'd be fun.
So, wait, Eric, is that-?
Is that a maybe?
Yeah, it's a maybe. It's a definite maybe.
It's a hard, hard maybe.
We should definitely
think about doing that.
Let's lock it in as a possibility.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll call you about it.
Or write you.
Heh, okay.
Carrier pigeon. Something.
I'll get a hold of you.
Good night, Eric.
Good night, Kelly.
Hey.
Hi.
What are you doing up?
Oh, I never went down.
Stayed up drinking with a dude from Blues
Traveler in the Talkhouse parking lot.
Like an hour ago, fucking dude
says the bubonic plague is back.
Great. Another thing
to worry about.
What are you doing up?
I got a bit
of a situation.
Hit me.
Okay, but first off,
you can't tell anyone.
Dude, look who you're talking to.
It's the vault.
Seriously.
A lot of people tell people
you can't tell someone,
and those people go and tell someone.
That cannot happen.
Hey. You tell no one.
Not even Rodrigo?
Why would you tell a 50-year-old
Guatemalan landscaper about my life?
Because he's a good
sounding board, okay?
But if you're gonna get all weird
about it, I won't tell Rodrigo.
I appreciate it.
I went on a date last night.
So far, so good.
With the Realtor chick.
Dody Henderson?
Did she peg you?
No, not Dody.
I went out with Kelly.
Oh, thank the Lord.
I felt bad for your
butt hole for a minute.
Heh, heh.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I think
we've got a problem because
I really kind of dig her now.
I don't know what to do
about the orgy situation.
Are you fucking with me?
I know.
What are the odds?
I mean, seriously,
I'm smack dab
in the middle
of organizing an orgy.
Orgy, yeah.
Yes. Yeah.
And I meet the first girl
in a long time
that I can see myself
having a relationship with.
Hmm.
I gotta tell her about the orgy.
What? Ha-ha-ha!
No. No. It's so stupid.
No. Listen to me. No, no.
You don't ever, ever, ever
tell her about our little soiree here.
Ever.
Have you porked her yet?
Oh, goddamn it, Mike.
I hate when you say stuff.
No. No, we've kissed.
Kissed, good. Okay, good.
Keep it PG until
after Labor Day, okay?
As long as you haven't had the exclusivity
talk, and you're not honing...
Yeah, I know.
Then you, my friend,
are a free agent.
Mm, I don't know, dude.
Listen to me.
You do not know what or who
she's been doing
in her free time, ace.
So just keep it in your pants
until aprs Labor Day
and then
it'll just be this crazy,
wet, vivid, erotic
sexual misadventure
in your past
that you never have to
tell her about.
Okay.
Okay?
All right, that's the plan.
Thank you.
That was oddly helpful.
I am not just a pretty face.
Oof, m goof.
Daddy really needs
to get in shape.
Oh, I'm with you.
I may even cut out carbs,
except for pizza
and sandwiches, obviously.
Are you guys worried at all about
performing in front of everyone else?
Look, it's not a race.
Well, assuming
that we can all get wood,
one of us will have
the smallest dick.
And I, for one, do not wanna
have the smallest dick.
Okay. Two things.
The ladies are gonna be too concerned
about their bodies to think about yours.
And secondly, that's all myth.
Women do not care
about penis size.
Who do you think
has the biggest dick?
I think I know.
Boom. Ah!
You're next, Uncle Addie.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
No one fucking said anything
about giving any fucking blood.
Oops.
And can someone explain
why they need to puncture your vein to find
out if there's a problem with your shvanlz?
Summer after freshman year,
Yeah?
I walked in on one of the guys
whacking off.
Shut up. Who?
I won't say.
No, no, no, who?
Who? Who?
I'm not gonna tell you, but I
will say that it was a monster.
Hey. That is my blood.
That used to be
inside you.
I'm gonna lie down.
What?
Duquez, Duquez!
You gotta give us ballpark-
Right, right.
Like is that...?
It's more like-
It was like that.
What?
But the head.
What?
It's even bigger.
Mama likes.
I don't know
if you're gonna like it.
McCRUDDEN:
Oh, hi.
Eric?
Kelly. Uh, we're just
heading back to the city.
We'll be in touch this week.
Good.
Regarding the house.
Of course, the house, yes.
Yeah, I'll page you.
Dody.
Eric.
The password this week
is unicorn.
Well, I don't know
if that'll be nece-
Moving up end down
Like en elevator
We 're here to share
our experiences
in creating the perfect orgy
of your personal fantasies.
See that?
Everybody's always touching two people.
McCRUDDEN:
A little teamwork.
They're playing
good team ball.
Okay, I think we get the picture.
McCrudds, you want some pizza?
No, I'm not hungry.
Thank you.
Got an all-I-can-eat buffet
going right here.
Let me try.
Try this.
What is that?
Ohl
Shill
Oh, he's doing my move.
Look at that.
He knows the Thoosh.
Hey, you guys? Guys.
Back to the music. Are we-?
Are we really gonna listen to Indian the whole night?
I think it might get a little-
Cab ride-y? Agreed. Yeah.
I'm working on
a killer playlist right now.
Got some obscure Radiohead.
Who has sex
to Radiohead?
Thom Yorke.
No Radiohead.
No Radiohead.
I think we need something
sensual, like Sting.
I love Sting.
McCRUDDEN: No.
Unacceptable.
Absolutely not fucking Sting.
That's bullshit, man.
If Sting comes on the fucking stereo,
guess who's walking.
This guy.
Sting, it is then.
So I...
Yeah?
Got you a little present.
Really?
Mm-hm.
It's tilled with some great things
for next weekend.
It's not my birthday. Oh.
Hey.
Yeah.
Look, oh, boy. Oh, wow. Look at that guy.
He's like a Swiss Army dude.
Wow, that's great.
People are gonna love that.
Just so you know...
Mm-hm?
I'm not wearing
any underwear right now.
Ew, on these stools?
Well, well, well,
the gang's all here.
Paciellio!
Hi.
Paciellio.
Hi, guys.
What's up?
We have some business
to discuss.
Right. So Glenn and I
have talked it over and...
we would like to be
included in the orgy.
We're in.
We wanna do it.
Um...
No.
Why not? What-
What?
We already lined up
my folks to babysit.
Guys, guys, as a friend
and a mental-health professional,
I think it is
a horrible idea.
If you feel disconnected,
I understand-
Alison, with all due respect,
you're an MA,
I'm an MD.
You're a podiatrist.
Okay, let's hike a vote.
How many people want us in?
Right.
I would just like to say that I
think they maybe have a point here.
Just because they have a baby doesn't
mean we should discriminate.
Plus, Kate's rack
is killer right now.
Thank you, Michael.
Yeah.
Jesus, Mike, are you insane?
No. No, no.
Dude, dude, dude, 10 o'clock.
Ten o'clock. My 10, my 10.
Shit.
Hey! Look who it is.
Hi, there it is.
Hey, uh, this is my Realtor,
Kelly.
This is the group,
the gang.
Hi, Kelly.
Hi, Kelly.
Gosh, I've heard so much
about all of you guys.
How? When?
What? Why? What's she talking about?
Let's get a drink.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You think we couldn't handle
this because we're parents?
Well, we can handle shit
that you can't even imagine.
You know, you motherfuckers
have no idea.
That's right.
No idea.
Come on.
You- You-
You're all lightweights.
You are all playing JV ball.
Lightweights.
Whoa.
All right, Glenn.
Come on, honey.
On a lighter note,
I have this present.
Dildos.
You know, in a pinch, this would
be great for a toothbrush.
And I have no idea
what this is.
Hey, Eric, what's up
with all the dildos?
Hey, those are my friends.
Hey, what's going on with the house?
Um, I've been able to slow things down
to buy you till the end of the summer.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, you're the best.
Thank you so much.
What is that?
What?
What's going on?
Nothing.
He told me not to tell
anybody so...
Yeah, okay.
You know.
Keep it on the down-low.
Yeah.
He asked her out
to get them to stall.
Went on a couple dates,
likes her,
doesn't want to sleep with her before
the orgy because it's wrong to do both.
Oh. He doesn't wanna
sleep with her.
That actually means
he likes her.
Oh.
Awesome.
Hey. Dildo wave.
Hi.
Hi.
Phew!
Yo, maharajah,
wanna get my back for me?
What is this shit?
Self tanner, man.
I wanna look like a porn star.
Fuck me, I just stroked out
my third batch du jour
You boys might wanna do the same.
Don't wanna come quick like a bunch of amateurs.
Oh, God.
I am not touching you.
Ah, fuck it.
I'm gonna whack it again.
You look so pretty.
So do you.
Thank you.
I love it.
Consider yourself warned.
This absinthe is the real deal.
I had it flown in from Amsterdam.
The guy that sold it to me said it's the stuff
Van Gogh was on when he cut his ear off.
Oh, no.
McCRUDDEN: Uh-oh.
It's gonna be
a starry night, huh?
It smells like licorice.
A toast. A toast.
To friends.
Ohh.
To friends.
Ohh.
And to making sweet love
with, to, near...
On.
In.
Under. And behind.
All right, salud.
L'chaim!
Hagalaka.
Whoo! Sober. Never more.
The pillows look really nice.
Yeah.
These Crate and Barrel or...?
You guys look great.
Oh, thanks.
You look so fucking hot.
I'm just being honest.
I wanna lick your belly button.
And yours, your belly button's nice too.
You got a good one too.
I haven't seen yours, but I'm gonna
lick the shit out of that thing.
Wow.
As the de facto lead wolf,
right?
I, uh-
I should kick this mofo off,
but I gotta be honest with you.
I have no idea what to do, so...
Lead wolf?
Oh, yeah.
You had to be there kind of.
Tut-tut-tut. Okay.
Listen up, everybody.
As per usual,
it is up to me
to get this party started.
Hang on. I got something for you.
Hang on a second, ladies.
Yeah, rock 'n' roll.
Holy moly.
We're on safari now.
Yeah.
How many leopards had to die?
Just one big old kinky leopard.
They won't kick us out.
If we're here,
they won't kick us out.
Okay.
They won't do it.
And we're totally sure
we wanna do this?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Somebody do something. Huh?
All right? Anybody?
All right, fuck it. I'm gonna call it.
Sue, kiss Alison. I'm gonna start touching myself.
Oh. We could start with a
back-rub circle like in college.
I'll get things started.
Yes. Yeah!
Here we go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm sorry, I can't.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't.
I can't do this. I'm sorry.
I knew it.
I knew you'd fucking
puss out, man.
I'm not pussing out.
I'm in a relationship
that I really appreciate.
And I don't wanna fuck this up.
Classic Duquez. You know,
it's like doughnuts, no doughnuts,
hat, no hat, orgy, no orgy.
We hike a look-see
through the window
and if it looks, like,
too freaky or lame,
Yeah.
we hike off.
And if it looks,
you know, cool, we go in.
Okay?
Okay.
I'm not mad at you.
Eric, Eric. I love
what's going on here,
but I don't think
you need to insult.
You should actually communicate.
My God, Alison, please.
Give it a rest? Just one night?
You're uncomfortable with emotion.
Oh, yeah, I can't. I'm the
only one here with issues.
It's just me? What about you
and your relationship?
We broke up.
You broke up?
Yes.
You broke up?
Like you broke up a couple years ago
at the Oktoberfest in July party?
That kind?
What happened on Oktoberfest?
This one tells me that her and
Marcus are broken up. Over.
We're joking, having drinks,
she tells me about it, we hook up.
Next morning, she's having
brunch with the guy.
Whoa, whoa, wait? What?
You never told me this.
Sue, I don't need to tell you because nothing happened.
We didn't sleep together.
You told me it was a blowjob,
she wouldn't swallow.
No, I did not, Mike.
I did not say that.
It was a fucking hand job.
Hand job. That's right.
It was a hand job.
I'm sorry. My bad.
Please don't go there.
No, no, no.
Alison, shut up.
You're a hypocrite.
What's going on?
First of all, they're dressed
like Indians from India.
That makes much more sense.
Yeah.
This is why I don't tell you.
You could've given him a blowjob.
Why didn't you fuck him?
Why don't you get over it?
How long are you gonna be
obsessed with Eric?
Oh, shit.
Wait, what?
Okay, okay.
'Urch' your brakes on,
people.
We are rapidly losing
the erotic vibe.
I'm gonna get this party rocking
right here in a major way.
What you got, man?
Ready, set, here we go.
Oh! Let loose
the Kraken.
Yeah!
Will you give it a break, Mike?
This shit's pathetic.
Oh, fuck you. You fucking pussy.
You're lame.
You're the lame one, man.
You don't have a job. You don't have a girlfriend.
You follow Eric around
and do everything he tells you to do.
You're like his little fucking pet.
Dougie.
Fuck you, Doug.
Is that what you think of me? You think that I'm his-?
You think I'm his fucking pet?
No.
He meant pet in a nice way.
Is he fucking with me right now?
This is the worst orgy ever.
Should we just go home
or...?
No.
We already got a sitter.
You wanna go see a movie
or you wanna-?
Okay, okay.
All right, time out.
Time out.
Time out, T.O., okay?
I think everyone just needs
to take a deep breath.
All right?
We need to relax and chill out
for a second, all right?
Whoa!
Where are you going?
Ah.
I'm just going outside
to get some fresh air.
Clear my head.
I swear to God, guys,
I thought this was gonna be fun.
Oh, yeah. Oh!
Why won't God
just let me have an orgy?
Okay.
All right, here we go.
Eric.
Kelly, heh, heh.
What are you doing?
I thought you were with your friends.
I know. I know. Uh...
Did you fly here
on a carpet?
No, heh. No, no. I, uh...
It's a last-second
costume concept for, uh...
Look, I, uh- I've been thinking about
things and I realized something.
Oh, shit.
I thought we ordered pizza.
What'd you get, Indian food?
I'm sorry.
I, uh- Sorry to interrupt.
Sorry.
Uh, Pete, give us a second?
Hey, hey, hey, Eric.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
You didn't call.
I know.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, pizza? Really?
I'm sorry.
No, that's all right.
Hey, what's up, man?
Eighteen bucks.
Go, have fun. Hone-
Honestly. No biggie.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Bye.
McCRUDDEN: Like I don't know
that I don't have a girlfriend.
Like I'm not trying to remember that
every fucking night of my life.
It's hard.
Hey.
Hi.
So where were we?
Where'd you go?
I know, I know, I know,
I, uh... Heh.
I'm sorry I left. You know, I...
I'm gonna be honest with you, guys.
Um, I'm freaking outa little.
I have had the best times
of my life
with you guys in this house
And I'm gonna miss it.
I'm gonna miss it so much.
I love you guys.
I love every single one of you.
She wasn't home, huh?
No. No, She was home.
She was on a date.
Yeah. And I showed up
dressed like fucking Aladdin.
Well, I think that
you look adorable.
And I am so happy
that you're back.
It's been a pretty
emotional night for all of us.
How about a big
super-gay group hug?
Oh, yeah.
Group hug.
Yeah.
Oh! I love you guys.
Aw!
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Oh, my... I would not
have called that.
Hey, what was that
about earlier?
Yeah, nothing. Later.
What?
Wha-?
Oh, gosh!
It's happening.
It's really happening.
We can do this.
I don't know if I can.
We'll do it together.
Okay?
One.
Two.
Three.
Hello, boobs.
Are they okay?
They're fucking fabulous.
Thank you.
Oh. And just so you know, um,
I've never been able to orgasm,
so no pressure.
I'm all about giving pleasure.
This is so much better
than porn.
Well, hey-o.
Oh, my God!
I told you so.
You weren't kidding.
That is remarkable
that he is insecure.
Tequila!
You got what I need
And you say
He's just a friend
Oh, baby, you
Got what I need
But you say
He's just a friend
Oh, baby, you
Got what I need
McCRUDDEN:
Everybody, drink from the ceiling.
Hey, Mike.
Hi there.
You guys have gotta try these chocolate-covered
strawberries. They're so decadent.
Oh, no, no. I'm good.
I just had some Bagel Bites.
Where'd you get Bagel Bites?
Shh. Forget it.
Mahalo, freaky people.
We were thinking it might be fun if we
all went out and made love in the pool.
Yes, yes.
Yeah, you wanna go in the pool?
No. No, no. We're good
right here. We're good.
Oh, we're okay.
Yeah.
Thanks though.
It's chlorinated. Have fun.
Sue, I'm so happy
for you.
All right, Hey, guys, could we
just get a minute? Just a minute?
Yeah, just give us
a sec, will you?
Oh, so sorry.
We're not giving you
enough privacy at an orgy?
Oh, kind of a fair hit.
Yeah, now, shh.
Are you okay?
You wanna talk or something?
No, no.
Just be in the moment.
Okay. Yeah, no, can do. Can do.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Oh, yeah?
You like to dirty hall
Yeah?
Ooh, fuck.
Okay, you wanna fuck me?
You wanna fuck me hard?
No, Sue. Hop off. My foot, my foot.
Oh, oh, okay.
Oh, foot cramp.
Oh!
Okay.
Ooh, that's a doozie.
Shh. okay. All right.
Oh, God, my big toe's so far
away from my other toes.
Okay, hey.
Hey, Hex it out.
Flex it out. Flex it, okay.
Oh, we should have
done this 15 years ago.
Hey. guys-
I broke my diet.
Okay. You're good?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah? You're good?
Okay. There it goes.
There it goes. Oh, wow.
Okay.
Shh! Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Oh, no, it's back.
It's back worse!
Ooh, it's- The little guy
is in on it now.
Hey, gang. Sake bombs.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, my dick is having
the best night of its life.
Oh, we're all fucking.
Oh, we're all finally fucking.
Oh, and I can be as loud
as I fucking want!
Oh, no. Shh, shh.
Owl Ow, my contact.
Alison, my contact.
I'm good. I'm good. Play through.
Bro, count me down.
What?
Count me down from five.
What does that even mean?
Oh, fuck! Count me down from 10.
Count him down, Adam.
Just count him down.
This whole sex in the pool thing
is not working.
Water is not a lubricant.
McCRUDDEN: Okay, brothers and sisters.
Let's hike this party indoors.
I'm running with honor!
Pineapple mojitos.
Yeah, mulched with fresh mint.
Fuck!
Are you ready?
As I'll ever be.
Ooh!
I'm next, I'm next, I'm next.
Vodka tonic.
Yo, can I mg in?
Oh! You're like the sweet,
tender lion.
Mike, go away.
You guys haven't slept with anybody else yet.
You're hogging Willow.
Go away.
Go away, Mike.
Vodka.
Come on.
Sue, I just wanna say I'm so sorry
about the whole Eric thing.
No. Totally don't.
It's so over. I don't care.
No, but you know, you're a really
good friend and I love you.
No, I love you.
You are so smart and you're so beautiful.
And I totally get why he would
wanna be with you.
You're the beautiful one.
Oh, my God,
your body is ridiculous.
Your body
is ridiculous, okay?
And I would give anything
to have your breasts
just for, like,
one day.
Yeah, but your ass
is off the charts, seriously.
Okay. I would kill
to have your eyes.
You know that you have
the most beautiful green eyes
that I have ever seen.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh!
Wow!
I saw that.
You see that?
It looked like a little flash of light.
I know. I think I just- God.
I never thought I'd
hear myself say this,
but I'm gonna
hike a break
from this
girl-on-girl-on-girl action
and check the score
of the Yankee game.
This feels fucking fabulous.
Ah, Michael!
Let's go.
Are you sure?
Yes, 100,000 percent sure.
Let's go. Right now.
Okay, okay. Let's go.
You fucking did it. Look at this.
You are awe-inspiring.
Oh.
Thank you, Mike.
No.
I'm gonna tell you something right now and I
want you to listen because I fucking mean it.
Okay.
You could be the president
of the United States.
Well, not after
something like this.
Hey, shh, no.
I'm fucking serious.
You could do it
if you wanted to.
Yeah.
You're getting kind of close,
Mike.
Am I?
Yeah.
Oh.
You're not trying to kiss me,
are you?
Would it scare you if I was?
I guess so.
Fucking kiss chicken, dude.
It's on.
All right.
Let me just
set this right here.
Whatever.
You scared yet?
No.
McCRUDDEN: No?
Mm-mm.
How about now?
Touching your nose with my nose.
It's okay,
I'm part Eskimo.
McCRUDDEN:
We're nose-kissing, buddy.
It's more than our noses
touching right now.
It's our souls.
Yeah, that's been brewing
for years.
Well, I think we both won.
I'm pretty sure
we both just lost.
Tonic.
Boo!
Don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop.
Almost there. Almost there.
No, don't stop. Don't stop.
Ah! Don't stop.
It feels so good.
It feels so good, don't stop.
Hm?
Mmm.
How about that?
So how long
has this been going on?
About a half an hour.
I'm good. I'm gonna-
I'm getting it. Ah!
Poor bastard.
Fucking so good. Aah!
Hang in there, buddy.
Almost there.
Yeah. Yes. Yes!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm coming.
Yes! Oh, yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, yes! Yes!
Yes! Aahl
Hey! Good morning, everybody.
So, uh, look what I got.
Commemorative Labor Day
orgy T-shirts right here.
Pink and blue.
Unisex,
100 percent cotton.
You made T-shirts?
McCRUDDEN:
Yup. Laura.
Huh?
Where are we gonna
wear these?
Anywhere.
What do you mean?
Jesus Christ, I am
hungover like a madman.
All right, ladies.
Ladies, I got one-
One easy question for all of you.
Overall,
where would you rank me?
Just have a bagel and relax.
Listen, I need to know.
I just- I need to know.
Well, for me,
there was one clear winner.
Okay, I know, good. Eric. Blah, blah.
Big surprise. What about this guy?
I was gonna say Adam.
Adam.
What?
For a neurotic hypochondriac
with panic attacks,
he was really uninhibited.
So what? Out of the four dudes
in the house,
I didn't even rank in the top two?
That's what you're telling me?
Didn't I do my move?
The move with the fingers
and the tongue? The Thoosh?
McCRUDDEN: Laura.
You did it.
I thooshed you. I know I did.
You don't need to do it now.
We don't need to see it again.
Yeah. Can we just
eat breakfast?
It's Marcus.
Hello?
Oh, tell him how much
we missed him.
Hey.
Everybody's up.
Hey.
Morning.
Hey, man, about the shit
that went down last night-
Dude. Oh, shit, I'm sorry if I did anything
weird to you or Willow, like, any thooshing.
Anything like that. I'm sorry.
I was so fucking hammered, I don't remember anything.
Seriously, nothing?
You don't remember anything?
No.
Nothing. I remember the fucking
absinthe shots and then that's it.
I'm so bummed, that was gonna be spank
fodder for the next 20 years of my life.
Total fucking blackout.
Thank God.
Amen.
I got something for you.
Holy shit!
Dougie.
I did it. I got more coming.
Oh, my God, dude,
this is major.
I wanted hat, but he was
so passionate about no hat.
No fucking hat.
Good shit, man.
I still would've
Photoshopped in the dudes
schnizzing on your face.
But it's just me.
You made fucking shirts.
Fuck.
Yeah. Hey, Willow,
grab one of those.
It's blue and pink,
my favorite.
A medium. Awesome.
It's the Breakfast Club.
Oh, there he is.
Sam Rockwell.
Ha, yeah, there you go.
Thank you, I'm sorry,
and you're welcome.
Ahh.
Oh!
Still a little sore.
Hey.
Yeah, I think
we're headed down shortly.
Yeah, I'll see you there.
That was Kelly.
Slut.
Ooh!
Uh, she's, uh,
headed to the beach.
I'm gonna meet her.
That's gonna be some awkward shit.
I wanna be front-row center.
Let's do it.
I'm there.
Give the ticks a goodbye hug
for me, please?
I will do so.
Okay.
I can stay here
and hang out with you if-
Yeah, yes.
Okay, heh.
We could, uh, hike a dip
in the pool or something.
Oh, the- Yeah.
I don't know about the pool
after what happened
in there last night.
Ew.
But you wanna
do the crossword with me?
I'd love that.
Uh, 16 Across.
So, what happened
with, uh, you-know-who?
Marcus apologized.
He wants to go to couples therapy.
You're getting
back together?
We're gonna go to city hall, get
married, see if we can make it work.
What the fuck(?
Just kidding.
Okay.
Yeah, no, it's totally over.
Nice.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks, Sue.
That's too bad.
I always liked that guy.
God, I hope
Kate has some guys for us.
Hell, I'd even go to Hoboken.
I mean, if he's really amazing, I'd
consider going to Jersey City.
Oh, you would not.
I'm just making
a point.
Uh, so Eric, um,
last night,
Oh.
some things came up.
Yeah, I swear.
I had no idea.
No, it's fine, really.
It was just something
that I needed
to get out of my system.
I hope she likes
my sloppy seconds.
Oh, come on.
Morning, Kelly.
Hey. Morning, Eric.
Hey. Hey.
Hi, I'm Mike.
We haven't officially met.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, wait, Mike.
Right. You're the guy
that Dody was asking about.
She wanted your number for some kind
of business thing or something?
Ah, what the fuck.
Give her my digits, all right?
Nice to meet you.
Let loose the Kraken. Yeah.
So wow. Okay.
About last night.
How about this?
What?
How about this about last night?
We never talk about it
ever, ever again.
It never happened.
All right?
You and I have just met.
We're starting fresh
right here, right now.
Done.
Done.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Kelly.
Hi, Kelly. I'm Eric.
It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Hey!
Your BlackBerry.
Ah! Just an empty
symbolic gesture.
I'm getting a new one
on Tuesday.
But that did feel really,
really good.
So this is the beach, huh?
Pretty beautiful. Who knew?
This is it.
Let's go on.
Come in!
Okay, listen.
I've got some bad news.
You're at Qaeda.
No.
You know the delay I pulled
with closing the house?
It spooked the buyers
and they pulled out.
The house isn't sold?
No.
Are you mad?
No. No, no, no.
Will you hold on
a sec though?
Hey, guys!
Yeah?
Quick announcement.
I have a really shitty Realtor.
McCRUDDEN: Fire her.
And she blew the deal.
And the house still isn't sold.
They're pissed.
They're mad.
Great, now they're pissed.
They're mad.
Now I gotta start thinking of
something to do for Memorial Day.
We've been kicking around
this idea for a brown party.
You know brown clothes,
brown food.
Hey, you guys
remember Kelly, right?
I always do what I am told!
Jesus Christ
I'm gettin' old
And I gotta
Get it right now
I gotta get it right now
All my friends are
So locked down
And I'm 23
I should be screwin' around
And I gotta
Get it right now
I gotta get it right now
Gotta get it right now
Gotta get it right now
What do you want?
Password's roundelay.
Who's your
connection?
Dody Henderson.
She's our Realtor.
Oh, Dody.
Yeah, she's in the swing.
Come on in.
Come on, you too.
Gotta get it right now
Yeah. Okay.
I've got visions
I can't see
Country houses
And one-way streets
I gotta get it right now
I gotta get it right now
Sometimes this feels
Like e dream
Without the you
Without the me
And I gotta get it
Right now
I gotta get it right now
You say he's just a friend
Oh, baby, you
You got what I need
What?I
But you say
He's just a friend
What, what
But you say he's just a friend
Oh, baby you H'
[DON'T DO IT' PLAYING]
Can I get
A little kissy-kiss?
Can I get a little
Hoochie-coo?
I'm like a soldier
Marching in the sun
My guns are pointed
Baby, straight at the moon
And abstinence
Don't do it
Abstinence
Don? do it, don? do if
Don? do if
Well, early in the morning
When we're ell alone
Well, how could I ever
Be so dumb?
You're driving drunk
In your boyfriend's car
Let's throw the babysitter
Into the trunk
And abstinence
Don't do it
Abstinence
Don? do it, don? do if
Don? do if
When you're all alone
On your own
No one ever holds you
Don't do it, don't do it
I'll be at your door
On the born
Sending these thoughts to you
Whoo!
Ah!
What's that?
Coochie-coo
Thats tough.
Abstinence
JDon't do it
Abstinence
Don't do it, don't do it
Don't do it
Don't do it, don't do it
Don't do it
Don't do it, don't do it
Don't do it
Don't do it, don't do it
Don't do it
Don't do it, don't do it
Don't do it
Don't do it, don't do it
Don't do it
Don't do it, don't do it
Don't do it, don't do it
Don't do it
Abstinence
Don't do it
Abstinence
Don't do it, don't do it
Don't do it
When you're all alone
On your own
No one ever holds you
Don't do it, don't do it
I'll be at your door
On the born
Sending these thoughts to you
Ohl