And imagine you're putting on
a very tight pair of jeans,
squeeze yourself in, rotating your thighs
and suck up your butt cheeks.
We want to end up with bums somewhere
at the base of our spines,
not halfway down the back of our legs.
Imagine there's an orange
in between your butt cheeks
and you're squeezing it. Squeeze it,
squeeze it.
Come on, I want to smell that juice.
That's it, and zipping up the front,
zipping up your core, zip it up,
we don't want to see any muffin tops,
let's tuck in all those flabby bits
and zipping it up, up, up, ribs down,
shoulders back and down,
necks long and shoot the energy
out the top of your heads.
And preparing for your hundreds.
Knees-up.
Chin to chest, shoulders up, arms down
by your side, in for five
and out for five, pumping all the time.
And in, 2, 3, 4, 5.
And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
And in, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Tummies in, 2, 3, 4,
5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Zip it up, 3, 4, 5.
And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Shoulders up, 2, 3, 4,
5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Strong arms, 2, 3, 4,
5, and pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Breathe, 2, 3, 4, 5, and pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Last one, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Hug your knees into your chests.
Nice job, ladies.
- Cor, dear, it ain't half
been windy, has it, eh? -It has.
Rain. Look at this city.
Bloody mess. Bins knocked over
and rubbish in the gutters.
Paper blowing here, blowing there,
blowing everywhere.
Cold Blow Lane, that's
where we used to play.
The day they moved us to Zampa Road,
I cried.
- Did you?
- Yeah, I don't mind admitting it.
We all cried. Grown men wept.
Yeah, you can laugh. They've had gales
north of the border.
Oh, talking of Scotland.
Millwall's a Scottish team.
That's why we play in blue and white.
You didn't know that.
But Millwall's not a Scottish team.
- It is, it is.
- But it's not.
It is. Years ago, these Scotsmen come down
from Dundee to make jam
for the sailing ships. HMS Whatsisname.
- Are you going the quickest way?
- I am going the quickest way, madam.
But I can't help this traffic, can I?
Millwall Rovers, they
started as a London team.
They've been up and down
the divisions like a yo-yo.
16 managers in 27 seasons.
We fear no foe where e'er we go!
- Is the Punto ready?
- Yeah. Since last week.
- Give us the keys.
- If you give us the money.
I've got a geezer to
buy it. He sorts me out,
- I'll give you the money.
- Suppose that goes pear-shaped?
- It won't. It's a cert.
- Nothing's a cert with you, Perry.
What are you talking about?
It's a business fundamental.
Fluidity of finance, fluidity of stock.
The fundamental of business in this garage,
people bring their cars in, I repair them,
they pay their money and drive away again.
- But they're punters. I'm a businessman!
- You're not. You're a tosser.
That's nice That's customer service
for you I'll take my business elsewhere.
- And while you're at it,
take your cars with you.
I will do, if you give me the keys!
I'll give you the keys
when you give me the
cash. I'm tired of them
cluttering my garage.
If they're not gone by next week,
I'll take them to the breakers. Now do one.
You're a dinosaur, Derek!
Now what? What are you doing here?
What are you driving me mad for?
Lend us 500. I've got a guy to buy
the Punto, but Derek's playing up again.
- Look at you. You're like a kid.
You've got to sort yourself out.
It's only 500 quid!
- Oh, is that all I'm not a
bank. I'm running a business.
I've got to get the motor.
I'm sick to death of bailing you out.
- Oh, go on! - No.
Off you go. - Please.
- Can I get on now? Thank you.
- Deb, it's only five...
Anyone in?
Hello, Mick speaking.
Yes, we are. 1,500 quid.
It's a white Mercedes, estate,
1990 reg, automatic, 157,000 on the clock,
1,500 quid.
Well, it's a Merc, darling,
it's got full service history.
It'll run forever, it's built like a tank...
Bitch.
Coosey-boy! Have you?
No, not this week. Listen, with the tickets,
take them to Jamie down the caff,
he'll give you the money.
Tell him I'll see him right
when I get to the grand. Sweet?
Down the caff, round the back.
No, I don't want any cool boy shirts.
All right, laters.
- Yeah, I've got to work on my tan.
- Me too.
- It's all right for you.
So, where's hot, then?
Caribbean?
Oh, yeah, just jump on a bus...
Yeah, all right. What
about the Mediterranean?
Yeah, there's Majorca.
- Ayia Napa. - Ibiza.
- Oh, my God, yeah!
You all right, Dad?
Jody, are you home?
- No, I'm out. Why? - 'Where
are you?' - What do you want?
I've a geezer coming round.
I'm going home in a bit anyway.
I've got to go to work.
Don't worry, I'll see you in a minute.
Hello, Doug speaking.
Yeah, hello, mate.
Excuse me!
You're not allowed to bomb into the water.
It's dangerous, all right?
Hello.
We spoke yesterday on the phone.
I'm Gary.
Yeah?
About the Fiat?
Oh, the Punto, yeah.
It's 2.30.
Are you Mick?
No, no, he'll be back in a minute.
Come in.
Here, up here.
- Upstairs?
- Yep.
I've just been reading about Lester Piggott.
Oh, yeah?
He was very little, you know.
Mind you, they all are, ain't they?
Who's that, then?
Anybody watching us over there?
- Sorry?
- Have a look.
Uh...
No.
Nosy sods. All right, sit down.
There's a woman round here makes
a very nice cakes.
- Oh, that's nice.
- What do you think of that, then, eh?
50 inch.
- I could get you one of them.
- Really?
Yeah, get you anything you want.
Here, trainers.
Good quality...
- Are you all right?
- Yes, thank you. Sit down.
Jeans, jigsaw puzzles, you name it,
I can get it for you.
- You only have to say the word.
- Is he going to be long?
Who?
Oh. No!
No, no, he's just, he's out
giving your car a wax.
Have you got a motor?
Yeah. Well, no. It died
on me, unfortunately.
- What was it?
- Oh, it was only a Peugeot.
Well, yeah.
- Have you come far, then?
- Not that far. I live...
Got a job?
Yeah. I'm a care assistant.
What, uh, mentally handicapped?
- Old people's home.
- Walter Winterbottom.
What does that name mean to you?
He was the England manager before
Sir Alf Ramsey in 1966.
World Cup.
He deployed the 4-2-1-2-1 system,
the diamond formation.
But Alf preferred 4-3-3, the triangle,
or 4-4-2. Ah, but you see,
he had the great Bobby Moore to...
Here!
How many goals did Bobby Moore
score for England?
Two.
Tell you what, come 2012,
you won't prise me out of my chair
when the Olympics are on.
I'll sit there with me
lagers and me Chinese takeaway
and I'll watch it all day, every day.
I'll be glued to the box.
My cab can go in retirement for a
couple of weeks and I don't care.
Here you go! 2012.
Or what's going to be left of it.
What?
Well, you might as well
enjoy it while you can.
What do you mean?
- Well, you know.
- What?
End of days.
Nothing wrong with me, I'm fit as a fiddle.
No, no, no. No, I didn't...
Great Cycle.
What, the milk race, you mean?
No. The Mayan calendar?
Nah, don't know what you're talking about.
Right. This is interesting, right?
The Mayans invented a calendar, right?
Now, this is thousands
of years ago in "Mejico".
Sorry, Mexico.
They believed in cycles, right?
Now, each cycle lasts 5,125 years
and at the end of each cycle
is a major change. I mean,
a massive geological shift.
Now, we...
we are in the final
stages of the fifth cycle
and they predicted, the Mayans,
that at the end of the fifth cycle,
the Earth and the Sun would
come into direct alignment...
.. with the Great Rift.
The Great Rift is the dead
centre of the Milky Way.
Now this is scientifically
proven, this will happen,
and this cataclysmic event will
take place on the 21st December 2012,
just before Christmas.
It's mind-blowing.
Who knows what'll happen?
Millwall's a Scottish team.
There's something you didn't know, eh?
You see, years ago, these lads
come down from Dundee
to make jam for the sailing ships,
SS Whatshername.
A lot of people thought
Alf Ramsay was of Roman extraction,
but he always denied it. Funny, that.
Is he going to be much longer?
No, no, no. He won't be long.
Only be a minute.
Hi, Dad! Are you here?
Is that you, Hayley?
No, it's me.
Has the geezer been here?
Yeah.
All right? Where's Dad?
He's on his way.
He phoned me. Give us a lift to work!
- No!
- Go on, I'm running late.
- All right, then. Hurry up.
- Oh, thanks!
I'll put the meter on.
Nijinsky.
Where do you think he was born?
What?
He's the only racehorse
I know come from Canada.
Do you like the flat or the jumps?
Here! Who won the Derby in 1953?
I don't know.
Pinza.
Yeah, I like the flat and all,
but the greatest jumper of all
was Red Rum. Three times he
won the National, three times!
They buried him at the finishing post.
Big lump in the ground. Horse-shaped.
- Have you seen me necklace?
- No.
I'm not usually such a mess!
- Hello, babe.
- All right, Dad.
Sorry to keep you waiting. Terrible traffic.
I'm Doug.
Hello, Dad, you here again?
Let's do some business.
Want a cup of tea?
Coffee? It's Roger, innit?
- Step this way, I'll sort you out.
- It's Gary, actually.
Let me get my keys. You'll love this.
Get me paperwork.
Hold onto your money, it's all outside.
Follow me.
Now, do yourself a favour, Roger.
If you're going to buy a car,
it's a lot of money, so you want to
make an educated choice.
Choose wrong, you're in trouble.
Choose right, you're in clover,
and I'm your man. Now,
you've got three cars here.
You got your town car,
lovely metropolitan blue,
- goes great over speed bumps.
- No, no...
You got your country car. Seat in the back
for the dogs, roof rack.
- And for the beach, your four by two.
- Four by four! - Yeah, all right, Dad.
So that's your choice.
That's the car for you,
it's got your name on it, it's a lovely car.
- Ladies love it. You'll have
Dorises hanging at the window.
Listen...
Do yourself a favour, sit in here
and experience state-of-the-art
Japanese technology. Live a little.
Get in. It's like Tokyo on a Saturday night.
- You can almost smell the geisha girls.
- No, listen...
- Dad, what are you doing?
- What?
I'm trying to earn a living. Give us
five minutes. Why don't you go home?
This car, if I had a showroom
with all the overheads,
that'd be three grand. I'd do it for 1,200
but I can do it for you for 1,100
and I'll tell you why, Rog.
- Gary.
- What?
It's Gary.
Yeah, whatever... Gary. Now, I'm going to
be honest with you, Gaz.
- I sold the Punto.
- I don't believe...
You know I told you to come today as
I had a geezer coming tomorrow?
He came yesterday with his daughter
and she was wetting her knickers
over the motor. She loved it,
but he didn't have the dosh. Tragic.
This morning, first thing,
I'm eating my bacon sandwich
and they knock at the door.
In five minutes, she standing there,
weren't she, on my mother's life.
She's crying her eyes out, she wants the car
and the old man's pleading with me,
"Please, she hasn't slept all night,
do me a deal. "
I said, "I can't. I've a reliable
customer called Gary coming
- "and he'll give me 750 quid for it. "
- Yeah, which I've got in my bag!
Now, I may be a businessman, Gary,
but I've a heart of gold, haven't I?
- Heart of gold, yeah.
- My old man is always telling me,
"Remember, you're running a business. "
I always told him.
But I said no, didn't I, Dad?
I'm a father first.
I've got daughters, I know how he feels.
- Yeah, but...
- So I'm sorry, but I sold your Punto.
But if I look in your eyes,
I can tell you'd have done the same
because you and me, we're two of a
kind, ain't we? We're peas in a pod.
Am I right?
- Not really.
- There you go. Now,
this Merc has got full service history,
it's built like a tank
and it'll run forever.
I can do it for you for 1,500 quid.
I can't afford that!
- How much you got?
- 750.
Let me tell you something about life.
You get what you pay for.
- If you stretch it a bit further...
- I can't stretch any further!
- I've got the perfect car for you.
- Oh, this is nice. - That's not his.
Dad, make us a cup of tea, will you?
Do us a favour.
Yeah, this is a lovely car.
I sold it yesterday. Two lesbians,
they're picking it up Thursday.
Now, this is a family car.
- Are you a family man?
- No.
But you're generous, aren't you?
You give everyone a lift.
People are always in and out
of your car, am I right?
See? I know. This car,
I'd do it for 1,200 quid,
- I can do it for you for a grand.
- See, the Fiat was only 750.
Fair point. I've got the
perfect car for you.
It's within your price range
and only five minutes away.
You got five minutes? Good. Your
quest for perfection is over.
You'll remember this day for
the rest of your life,
and you'll be coming back to me for years.
They always do.
Go on, hop in, we'll be there in a jiffy.
- I don't do this for everyone.
- Where's he going to go?
In you get.
Grandad, come on! Hurry up! I'm late!
Come on.
- All right, he keep your hair on.
- We haven't got all day.
Oi!
I've just got to get the keys and paperwork.
Won't be a minute!
No, I don't want any...
- Look, it's my daughter
Hayley. Ain't she gorgeous?
Hayley, do me a favour,
keep him sweet for a minute.
Do you want a cup of tea?
No!
Hiya.
Hello.
You buying a car from my dad, then?
Yeah. Well...
He's taking you on his magical mystery tour?
- What do you mean?
- Oh, nothing.
- I've just seen your double.
- Have you been drinking?
I've got it, Gal. Come on, hop in.
Ain't got all day. Time's money.
See you, treacle.
When are you going to pass
your driving test, then?
It's not my fault they
keep failing me, is it?
- How many times have you taken it now?
- It don't matter, does it?
- Four, innit?
- Only three, actually.
Hayley got hers first time, didn't she?
Hayley this, Hayley that! I'm not my sister!
Oh, don't go dying on me! I'm running late!
Thanks. See you later!
There you go, Gary. Japanese
Car Of The Year 1998,
in pristine condition and within
your price range. What do you think?
It's cheaper than the Fiat,
that's one thing.
Let me tell you about that, it's deceptive.
It is cheaper, but on the other hand,
it isn't cheaper.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Well, supply and demand.
See, when we put a car like this
on a lay-by or in a safari park
or outside the zoo or primary school,
we start a bidding war.
ONO - "Or nearest offer" means below
or above the starting price.
Another bloke offers 500 quid and
that's top whack, he gets the car,
but, come here, if another bloke offers 800,
that's where it goes,
and funnily enough, I've got this
geezer coming at 4.30
all the way from Barrow-in-Furness
with his fiancee
and he wants to give me 800.
- Wait, no, listen.
- Don't worry, I'll see you right.
You can have it for 750 because
I let you down with the Punto. - Honestly...
- Know what? I am going to shut
up and let the car do the talking.
- No, no. - Why not shimmy into the cockpit
and take a test flight? Go on, get in.
Look at that technology.
You could drive this with chopsticks,
it's like Hiroshima on a Saturday night.
Away you go.
- How'd you like it?
- Steering's a bit stiff.
No, the steering isn't stiff,
Gary, all due respect. You're a bit stiff.
- What do you mean, I'm a bit stiff?
- You and the
car, it's like a marriage.
- This is your first date.
It's only got 20,000 miles on the clock.
You'd think it was going backwards.
This car's had one previous owner.
An old girl, bless her.
Her husband's had a colostomy bag
and she's been driving to the hospital
to get it changed.
He's only gone and died on her.
Emphysema, God rest his soul.
She's so cut up, she can't even
drive any more.
She asked me to sell it.
You gotta do your best, ain't you?
You got to help.
She could be your mother or my mother.
- You love your old mum, don't you?
- Yeah, course.
- She'd love this car, she'd
want to drive it herself.
She's lost her licence.
Bastards.
Well, they gave her a bus pass, anyway.
No, it's automatic, Gary!
I'm not used to it,
I've never driven an automatic.
You don't drive an automatic, mate,
you let the car drive you
and you never go back to a manual.
- You got a girlfriend?
- Not really.
You soon will have in a car like this.
Those geezers in flash
cars, birds don't trust them.
They think they've got something to hide.
They see this,
they'll think, there's a man
who's straight down the line.
How's it feel?
Looks good. Suits you.
See, this is a thinking man's car.
- What d'you reckon?
- I don't know...
Make your mind up, I can't hang about.
He wants to drive it to Budapest soon,
he's got to meet her mum and dad,
they're acrobats.
- I don't think it's worth 750.
- What d'ya reckon it's worth?
- Seven? - How much?! - All right,
720. - He's gonna give me 800!
- 740 then.
- 745, deal?
- Do you have a fiver?
- Nah, I don't carry cash.
You give me your name and address,
I'll send in the post.
That's 10.
That's 20.
That's 30.
That's a 20 note, so that's 50.
- Hayley?!
- I'm in here.
Do us a favour, babe,
give us a lift down the garage.
- When? - Now. You got five
minutes? - I've just made tea!
- I've got to pick up a motor! - Dad!
- Help me out, I've had a nightmare.
- Your whole life's a nightmare.
- Oh, go on.
I've been up since 5:30am.
Sorry. On the way back,
I'll get you a Chinese.
I've got a chicken and avocado salad.
- All right, we'll pick up a video.
- I don't want a video.
I'll get you a new pair
of trainers. Designer.
- I tell you what, I'll
run you a nice hot bath.
What? You've never run me a bath!
- All right, I'll give you 20 quid. - Don't
be daft. - Come on, help your old man out.
I'm not hanging about though.
I swear, the car is ready and waiting.
- My keys are upstairs.
- Love you! - Yeah
Hi, darling.
- All right, Mum? - Where you
off to? - She's giving me a lift.
- I can see that. Where you going?
- Down the garage.
- Oh, you got the money then?
- Yeah, no thanks to you.
- What, you sold a motor?
- Course.
- Oh, good.
- Come on, Hayley, let's go.
- What you driving us all mad for?
- She's got
her own life to lead.
- It's all right, Mum.
- You're driving yourself mad.
- No, you're driving me mad.
I love you too.
Nutcase!
- All right, darling, see you.
- Yep. See you later.
Oi! Smiler!
Here y'are.
Just a little bit down.
- There?
- Ahh! That's it, go on.
All right, girls?
What's that on your head?!
My new hat!
Where'd you get it from?
A shop. Do you like it?
- Makes you look like a lobster.
- I thought I'd treat myself.
Oh, that's nice, he
thought he'd treat himself.
Yeah. I played a blinder.
I could have sold the Titanic for scrap.
Oh, he really deserves a
little treat, doesn't he?
We don't, but he does. How much was it?
- Mind your own business.
- It is my business.
What d'you need a hat for?
You've never worn one in your life.
- So? - You're ridiculous.
- I like it, it suits him.
- It's a waste of money.
- Hayley, make us a cup of tea, babe.
Go make your own cup of tea.
- Stick a broom up my
arse, I'll sweep the floor!
You know your problem?
You got no sense of adventure.
When you gonna start
paying me back my money?
Hold on, darling, just got to make a call.
Perry!
- All right, all right,
you're doing all right.
You're a crap shot!
Come on, higher.
Yes!
You idiot!
Jody?
Yeah?
Which shoes do you think I should wear?
The studs, they're nice.
Don't you think the black ones
go better with this outfit?
No, wear the studs, they
look better on your feet.
No, I'm gonna wear these ones.
If you're wearing those, I'm wearing these.
- You won't be taller than me.
- Come on, babe, I got to do one.
Hang on, I just got out the bath.
- Hurry up, I can't hold it much longer.
- Well, clench your buttocks.
- Is that what you're wearing?
- Yeah.
You look like Jane of the jungle in that.
Deb, I'm touching cloth.
Go on then, enjoy yourself.
Oh, don't! You'll make me laugh.
Ooh, you look nice, darling.
Thanks! You nearly ready?
Give us a sec!
State of it.
Was the team mad, then?
I wasn't happy!
That's pretty bad.
No, but...
So what, you got two own
goals and you sacked it?
And you're the best player?!
I don't think so.
You're forgetting I scored three goals
in front of my own team.
- But you scored two
goals for the other team!
This guy has a shot, right,
and I save it, and it hits your shins
and goes in the net, that's not your fault.
Why didn't you get out the way?
Exactly!
I didn't have time to.
It's not like it rifled back out.
It was going slowly, like, whoa...
Will you wake me up if I fall asleep?
I can't wake you up if I'm asleep, can I?
Take that thing off your head.
I'll take it off when
you turn out the light.
I'm not turning off the light
till I take my rollers out.
- Take 'em out then.
- Can't, my nails are wet.
It's got 30,000 miles on the clock.
Hmm?
I'll let you have it for nothing. Goal!
Straight in the back of the net.
And inhale...
deep into your cat.
Give me a meow...
from your throat.
From your blue chakra.
And reverse...
.. into your cow.
And give me a moooooo from your perineum.
From your red chakra.
Miaow!
Mooooo...