(SKATEBOARDING)
(MUSIC)
(BULLDOG PANTING LOUDLY)
(BULLDOG SLURPING WATER LOUDLY)
(BULLDOG PANTING LOUDER)
Mike: Come on, Bud.
(BULLDOG PANTS EVEN LOUDER)
Hey ahh...You wanna maybe poop
for me?
C'mon...
Matt: How's the dog?
Mike: What do you mean, "how's
the dog"?
What do you think I mean?
How's the dog?
Ask him.
What?
Ask the dog.
C'mon, Mike. I'm just trying to
start a conversation.
Here you go, Mrs. Johnson.
(KISSING THE DOG REPEATEDLY) Oh
my little boy. I love you so
much.
It took him a while to do his
business, but I think what the
key might be is...
(CONTINUES KISSING THE DOG) Oh,
I love you. I love you. I love
you.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
And this one right here...
Alright, scene six is too
expositional.
Here, fuck with that. Put that
shit in there.
You working today?
MATT: Yeah, I'm working today.
It's Thursday.
MATT: Well, I'm going to work.
You always have Thursdays off.
That's writing day.
So, I'm kinda worried cause I
feel like, if the protagonist
has no
ot going to havYou know what I
MATT: Attack? What?
MATT: And please don't use
words like 'antagonist' and
'protagonist' in this.
MATT: It's not that kind of
story.
I'm sorry. The good guy, and
the bad guy.
uy, bad guy stoWe're not making
(MUSIC)
Are we still meeting with Jason
tomorrow?
Yeah. One o'clock.
kinda like to rewrite page six.
el like it's still too
sitional.
Yeah, I know. We'll do it when
I got home from work.
Ok. Cool
Hey, is he still banging that
Mexican chick next door?
I don't know.
Why not?
I just don't.
I can't believe they're out of
bologna.
Hey, Matt.
I wrote a scene I think we
should put in the script.
Yeah?
It's a scene where John tells
Jack he can't pay rent.
I thought we were going to give
John a second job so that shit
wouldn't happen.
Well, we haven't yet. So, right
now, John still can't pay rent.
It's all I got.
I'm sorry.
I forgive you.
Let's get out of here.
Just make sure you come home
right after work, alright?
I really want to work on that
stuff.
I'll be right home before you
finish dinner, sweetie.
(MUSIC)
(MUSIC)
KAREN: I'm not...I'm a cow
girl.
KAREN: Yes, ride me stallion!
Stop it!
Mikey!
Hey, this is Rachel, and this
is...
Karen.
Right.
Hi.
Hi.
Matt told us all about you.
Really?
Did Matt tell you all about
how we're supposed to work
tonight?
Are you mad at me?
I bring home two pretty girls
and you're mad at me?
One of them's for you.
Um...which one?
I just thought you wanted to
write these scenes with me.
I did it already.
When?
Earlier.
In my head.
In your head doesn't really
help us.
I jotted it down.
God. Just relax.
e other one has like man boobs.
Don't you think?
Which one?
That one.
Well, he seems a little man
P.M.S-y.
Yeah.
...And the six year old Jersey.
now, having guests over doesn't
for a good working
onment.
Want me to get rid of the ho's?
Could you get rid of the ho's?
It's not every day I bring
ho's?
Well, today's not a good day
for ho's.
Can't water the grass with no
ho's.
Just remember that.
Ok, girls...
We've gotta get going!
You're so frisky!
(Girls laughing)
I'm sorry.
We've gotta get to work.
...But later, can I call you?
Rachel: Call us later!
Yes?
Yes! Bye.
Alright, let's get to work.
You really think he's gonna
like it?
Of course he's gonna like it.
, but why would he like it more
an any other script he's
er read?
It's like you're getting three
movies for one.
you're watchingand then there's
atching.
ut you know what happens in it,
cause the movie that you are
atching.
Then at the end,
when John turns out just like
Jack,
this whole othebut didn't know
Plus, all the hot chicks we put
in it, man.
We're gonna offend people.
Exactly.
And if people are offended,
that means they felt something.
And that means we did our job.
You just like to offend people.
Absolutely!
Matty?! What's up baby!?
What's crackin, baby!?
n? What's going on with yoBang.
Bang.
Mikey! What's up, man?
ome on. You gotta work on that.
Work on that.
Listen, man.
I gotta shake. I'm late.
This is the latest draft.
Alright. What's the log line?
The log line?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
In one line, tell me what the
whole script is about.
Uhhh...It's a--
It's a love story about two
guys...
Wha-wha-what?
d the guys are 'cause the guy..
a job. The othe...they both hav
...The other one...his...has a
job...
Yo, I tell you what. I'll read
it.
'Cause you're my boy.
I'll get back to you sometime
next week.
That cool? Y'all my peeples.
Imma read it. That's cool?
Cool?
Alright.
Listen, we still on for
Saturday right?
Yeah, we're doing legs and
shoulders and some Abs.
Don't forget the Abs man.
I need that. I need to get that
'V' right there!
Yeah. We gonna get you diesel,
son. Let's go.
Alright, alright.
Alright. Get your rest.
Bang. Alright, Mike.
Work that out, baby.
Come on. You gotta work on
that.
Ok, stay Hollywood, fellas.
Stay Hollywood!
Really, Mike?
Hey Matt, I'm thinking about
moving back.
Back where?
Back home.
This is your home.
No, Matt. This is your home.
ack in my home I sleep in a bed
nd my mom does my laundry for
e...
...And I eat food more than
once a day.
And not just dollar store
bologna either, I'm talking
about produce.
Look, man.
We've been working way too hard
for this not to work out for
us.
What if you're wrong?
We've been working on this
script for almost two years
now.
What if there is no happy
ending? What the fuck are we
even doing here?
This is our golden ticket, man!
This is our ruby slippers, our
red pill, our...
Ok.
So, this is the answer?
This script is going to put
food in our stomachs?
I'm telling you, once people
see our shit they'll be lining
up to wipe our asses...
Why would people line up to
wipe our asses?
You're too fucking tense.
Relax, man.
Go get some booty or something.
Why don't you call that little
girl that you used to work
with?
Which one?
The one that likes you.
Which one?
The one that likes you.
Yeah. That one.
She's got an outie belly
button.
So?
So, it's not the outie that
bothers me, it's the fact that
she wears cut off
shirts all the time.
It's as if she doesn't even
know she has it.
And that...it's just really off
putting.
Whatever, man.
Just do what you gotta do to
lighten up.
(piano playing)
(piano playing)
What?
Do you have to play so loud, so
early?
What the fuck man?
Is this about rent or
something?
What's the matter with you?
I wrote a scene you should
read.
It's a flashback. I thought we
could put it in...
Unnecessary.
People don't care what happened
before.
They want to know what happens
next.
It'll add depth to the
characters.
Yeah, and slow down the story.
And quit trying to change the
subject, man.
For the last week you've been
acting like a little bitch!
What's the matter with you?
Tell me.
My ex-girlfriend called me.
Deanna?
She moved to LA a few of months
ago.
Really?
She lives like a block away
from here.
No shit.
Yeah, man.
She called me up.
She said she wanted to meet for
coffee.
And that's a bad thing?
Yeah, it is a bad thing.
It took me almost three years
to get over her.
And you never really get over
them. You know?
No.
No?
No, she's a chick. One's like
the next.
You stop banging her,
then you start banging someone
else.
rs later, she wwhat's the probl
What world do you live in?
A world where I'm the king,
king bangs a lot of chicks.
I'd like to visit that world
sometime.
It's nice there.
MIKE: Oh, I bet.
What world do you live in?
The real world.
Oh, I've heard of that.
Yeah, That's the one.
s that the same world where you
aven't seen your ex
irlfriend in three years
...But she still has you by the
balls?
Hey, that's below the belt.
That's where your balls are.
So, tell me about this girl.
Which girl is that?
The girl you don't talk about.
Deanna, the love of your life.
I didn't say she was the love
of my life.
You said you never got over
her.
Only because another girl never
came along.
If it's really love another
girl won't come along.
Well...
You're still in love with her.
I didn't say that.
Are you going to go to coffee
with her?
I did.
You did?
I did.
How'd that go for you?
It was ok.
OK?
Yeah, it was OK.
Bullshit, what happened?
I met her last week...
(MUSIC)
MIKE: Deannas not like other
girls.
She never was.
And she was just how I
remembered her.
She's the kind of girl that
just looks like she smells
good?
...And she does.
She's the kind of girl that
pees bunnies...
And poops sunshine?
No. No.
She doesn't poop at all.
You look great.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Your hair...
I know, it's long.
I was going to say, you dyed
something to it, cause it's
longer.
Do I really look that
different?
No, you look fine.
You look okay. You just, I
mean, you just kinda..
Thanks.
Why'd you call me?
Well, um...
Mike Junior turns two in a few
weeks,
...And I thought it was finally
time I told you about him.
Oh...
Oh, God.
I'm just fucking with you.
You make it too easy.
Oh my god!
I thought...
Why would you...
Sorry.
There's no Mike Junior!
Don't worry.
No, it's fine.
It's not a big deal.
She really said that?
Yeah, that's her sense of
humor.
I like this girl.
Mike, I called you because
we're friends.
Oh right, we're friends.
We've always been friends.
Don't you have other friends?
Not in L.A.
L.A. is a big city.
Especially when you have no
friends.
Can we be friends, Mike?
I mean, it's been a long time.
Two years?
3 years. This February 21st.
I can't believe you remember
the date.
That was a pretty memorable
night, remember?
Yeah.
So, what are you doing in L.A.
now anyway?
I'm trying to be a wri...
I've been working on my
wri--I'm wri--I'm a writer.
So what have you written?
I wrote a screenplay.
Wow!
What's it about?
It's a love story, about two
guys...
What?
Damn it. No.
There's a girl, too. Like 4
girls.
And, we-we wrote it together.
We?
Oh, my partner.
ean, he's not..We don't...we ne
We're roommates. We act. We
both are actor and writers.
So, it's like we wrote it to be
in it together.
Once it gets made. That's when
we'll do it.
The movie. That's when we'll do
it. The movie.
Cool.
Really, Mike?
She makes me nervous!
Clearly.
So, what are you doing here?
I thought you were going to
school up north.
Yeah, I was, but only because
my dad wanted me too.
I was over it.
So, I thought I'd give the
whole acting thing a try.
I mean, how hard can it be,
right?
Yeah.
Look, Mike... I miss you.
I just wanted to tell you,
That I really am sorry for
everything that happened.
You're sorry?
Yeah.
How come you never called?
I did. You didn't.
No I didn't, did I.
You know, Deanna, it was really
good to see you,
..But I have a lot of things to
do, so...
Mike...
What?
Can I see you again sometime?
No, no...its not a good idea.
Why?
Because I can't see you if I
can't be with you.
I can't be with you without
becoming attached to you.
I can't become attached to you
without getting hurt.
It's not worth it.
You're not worth it.
Now I know you didn't say that.
I did.
Look, I do want to see you.
I do want to hang out with you.
I-I-I just can't. Not now, you
know?
Just give me some time.
Yeah...
Yeah...
That's it?
That's it.
So, she's really not worth it?
No, she's worth it, but I had
to say no, and that was the
only way I could.
Could what?
Say no.
Oh.
Why did you have to say no?
I told you, I can't go through
what I went through the last
three years.
But if she's the one...
She's not.
How do you know?
I don't know, I just know I
can't get hurt again.
But you said she was worth it.
She is.
So what's the problem?
I have syphilis.
What?!
I just told you twenty fucking
times, dude, I don't want to
get hurt again!
But you don't have syphilis...
No!
I don't know, man. I thought
maybe...
You would know if I had
syphilis.
How would I know? I mean, how
would I know?
There'd be creams around the
house...
I don't keep track of your
creams.
Well, you should, and then
you'd learn some stuff about
me.
Call her.
No.
Did she make you happy?
Yes.
Have you been happy since?
No.
If you were happy with her, and
you're not happy without her,
why don't you just
be happy with her...again.
She's the reason I was unhappy.
She's also the reason you were
happy...
Yes.
There's no unhappy without
happy.
You're only unhappy because you
lost what made you happy.
She's not what made you
unhappy, it's the absence of
her that made you unhappy.
We're out of toilet paper.
Evil is only the absence of
good.
OK, but...what do I...
You call her!
Okay. Fine.
But, I'm gonna go look for her
number.
You've got it memorized.
No, I DON'T!
Ok!
Go look for it!
Funny.
What can I get you?
Let me get a cup.
Large?
Larger than average.
Hey, Deanna. It's Mike.
Yeah. No, I was gonna say you
should...
I mean, if you wanna... If you
would come over?
Yeah, I mean, I dont want you
to put out. P-P-Put you out.
I dont wanna put you out. Put
you out..of your...comfort zone.
Because you, or everybody,
should be in the zone.
Sometimes.
Yeah. I'll see you later then.
Ok. Bye.
No, thanks.
There he is! Mikey!
How you doin', Mikey?
Hmm, Mikey- this is Amanda.
Hi. Hi.
You want a sandwich?
Yes, Why would you even ask me?
Here. Peanut butter & jelly.
It's on me.
Really?
Yeah.
Really? Really?
Please.
Okay.
(Matt's phone rings, call from
Jason)
MATT Yes, I know where it is.
We will be there in fifteen
minutes.
We gotta go.
We gotta go.
(Matt knocks on the door)
You must be Michael and Matt.
Thank you so much for coming on
short notice.
Jason will be right with you.
So, you just follow me.
Ok.
Have you ever been to a sound
stage before? (Loud music
playing)
No.
ng if you could(Assistant answe
Oh, hi Toby. How are you?
I'm good. I'm at work.
Umm, what's the shoot?
Let me call you back.
It's 'SKINNY PETE'.
Skinny who?
Pete.
...And what's your name?
Uh huh!
Now you boys stay right here,
and I will go get Jason for
you.
(Loud music playing, chatter)
Listen, why don't you shit on a
carrot and take your ass to
fuckin' Africa?!
Com-come on! Get the fuck outta
my way, man.
Listen, listen, listen...That's
my deal. Tha--
Yo wassup fellas!
What's up, Mikey?
What up, Matty?
Welcome to the set. Welcome to
the set.
Are you hungry?
Grab some food, drinks... all
that good stuff.
You guys know Skinny Pete
right?
Yeah, I've got his album.
Not personally.
Of course you don't.
Follow me to my office.
Yo, put the banana down.
Put the banana down!
Damn, greedy ass mother fuckers
on my team.
Anyway, listen.
That's the deal, man. That is
the deal.
And that's all I can offer.
And, I'm gonna stand firm on
it.
Jason!
Yeah, wassup baby?
Dude is trippin, man!
What?!
I'm just trying to loosen it up.
You know...Pop my shit.
Get my, you know what I'm
saying?
What the fuck is that?
Dude, you too big for that.
Come on, man.
That is not the look.
Listen, these my peoples.
Matty, Mikey.
Skinny Pete in the flesh.
I love you.
Represent that 5-1-0, baby. Bay
area, you know how we do.
Yeah, I do know.
Killers and gorillas, man.
Poppin' off this video shoot,
doin it big like skinny.
You know what I'm saying?
Yes, I do.
Well, shit.
Maybe we'll see you later?
Yes, I would like that.
Don't let the man get you down,
kid.
Who's the man?
I'm the man.
Skinny Pete bitch!
Alright fellas.
My office over here.
You're having Briana's birthday
is still on the 9th at the
park, right?
Little momma gettin big, little
momma gettin big.
Right through here, fellas.
Right through these doors,
right through these doors.
Listen, man- fuck your seven
percent!
Make this shit work.
Stop being too Hollywood for
me.
So, here's the deal.
I got Richard to read your
script.
Richard?
Richard Simpkins.
Oh...
How do you get Richard Simpkins
to read our script?
Skinny Pete shI'm an assistant
When he does a movie, I'm an
associate producer.
The thing is, I found you guys.
I found the script.
So when this gets made, I'm
executive producer.
With points.
And guess what? He thinks it's
good.
Uhh, How good?
What?
How good?
Like South Park good, or like,
The Iliad good?
He thinks it's good. He
thinks--
Actually, he said you guys
reminded him of Ben Affleck and
Matt Damon.
He's never seen us.
I know, but he read the script
that you both wrote. So, he can
kinda imagine.
So, according to Richard
Simpkins, Mike and I are like
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
Yeah.
Okay! Who's Ben Affleck and
who's Matt Damon?
What?
Which one of us Ben and which
one of us is Matt?
Dude, I don't know.
Don't answer that.
Why not?
Because that would mean one of
us has no talent.
Exactly.
That's fucked up.
C'mon man, we can take it.
Listen, I think both you guys
are talented.
Not if we're Ben and Matt.
We're not Ben and Matt.
Jason said we were.
Richard said you were.
Neither of us are like either
of them.
That's a ridiculous comparison.
That's like trying to compare
jeans to denim.
Jeans are denim.
Yeah, I know. I just don't
think we should be trying to
compare ourselves to anybody.
We are us.
Originality is overrated,
fellas.
It takes a lot more than talent
to make it in this business.
It takes smarts.
It takes connections.
You could be the most
untalented person. Ever.
ake friends witdo a couple inde
...And next thing you know
you're making 20 million a film
and banging J-Lo.
What do you guys have against
Ben Affleck?
Oh, nothing.
He's great.
He's done alot of great work.
Huge fan. Armageddon, are you
kidding?
Did you see 'Gone baby Gone' ?
'Gone baby gone' was good, too.
I liked that.
He's a good director. Know's
story structure.
Was he in it too?
No, not at all.
Hollywood Land?
Casey killed that too.
The time periods.
Giglie was a miss.
Not his fault!
Anyways....listen, listen. If
Richard makes an offer, are you
guys interested?
(Mikey laughs in excitement)
Oh yeah, I mean, yeah we're...
Of course we're interested.
Great! That's great. I was
hoping you'd say that.
to set. I'll cWe'll talk detai
.
Aight, Mikey. Work that out,
baby.
Work that out. Listen, y'all
can hang out. You don't gotta
leave. I just gotta go.
(Loud music playing)
JASON: Peace.
("Skinny Pete, Bitch" playing
loudly)
("Skinny Pete, Bitch" playing
loudly)
Really?
What are you doing? It's party
time.
It's not work time!
Dude, when we meet Richard I
want to have more to show him.
Isn't your girl coming over?
Yeah, she'll be here in a
little bit. I just want to
write something right now.
Alright, alright...What are you
trying to write?
I don't know. I'm just going to
start writing a script.
So what should I write about?
I don't care.
Alright, fine. I'm just gonna
start writing.
Don't start that way. It's
stupid.
Well, then how should I start?
I don't know!
Well, then shut up and let me
write.
Are you hungry?
Starving.
You're cranky when you're
hungry.
Thank you.
We should get some food.
We can get some later. I just
want to write right now.
But you're hungry now...?
Yeah...
Then we should eat now!
Dude, I'm not thinking about
food right now.
You just said you were hungry.
You asked!
I know!
If you aren't going to help me
write, leave me alone.
Fine, I'll go and get some
food.
Fine, go.
What should I get?
I don't care!
Quizbees?
Fine!
You know what?
Fuck you!
I fucking hate you.
You have all these great ideas,
you want to do all these great
things, but you don't do shit.
You don't pay rent, I buy all
the food, and I never once get
a thank you!
You leave your socks
everywhere. Fucking everywhere!
I opened the refrigerator
yesterday and there were three
socks in there.
I could maybe understand if
there were two or four, but
three?
It takes a conscious effort to
leave three socks anywhere, let
alone the refrigerator.
I can't drink milk anymore
without smelling your feet!
I'm sick of this shit!
I don't know why I'm your
friend.
You are worthless.
You're like a child.
Except not as good as a child,
because children grow up and
become things.
You will never become anything,
ever.
You have never been good at
anything, ever!
You are a complete waste of
life, you give me gas, and I
want you to you die.
Did you like that?
Yeah, that was good.
Yeah, that was good. It had,
uhh, there was some structure.
Yeah, it was loud.
Yeah well, you know, it was
well-delivered. I thought.
That's going in the script.
Yeah, I'll find somewhere for
it.
And that's why I get a writer's
credits.
You didn't write anything.
You just heard me write it.
I wrote what I said.
No!
You said what you said.
I know that you said it,
because I heard you say it.
You haven't actually written
anything.
I'm the one who's going to
write it.
I haven't written it yet, but
I'm going write it.
Just cause you're the one that
types it up, doesn't mean it
wasn't my idea.
It was my idea, and you should
respect that.
Respect?
Yeah, respect!
Give credit where credit is
due!
Credit?
Okay. Let's say we were
cooking...
I go out and buy a whole pound
of chicken.
I marinate that chicken for
three days with Laurie's
seasoning salt,
vinegar, ketchup and
Mrs. Dash salt free
seasoning blend.
You've been practicing this
one?
Yeah, a little bit.
MATT It's good.
I know. Shut up. Let me finish.
I make up some angel hair pasta
with a creamy garlic basil
sauce.
I set the table, I open a
bottle of 1997 Canoe Ridge
Chardonnay, and we have
ourselves a dinner.
You walk in. You notice I did
some cooking so you sprinkle
some basil on the chicken and
ddenly you're the fucking chef?!
I do lot more than sprinkle
some basil! It is not the same!
Yes it is!
It is the exact same fucking
thing!
You want credit for adding a
little bit extra to something I
worked my ass off...on.
You're just not willing to
admit that I have all the
ideas.
All the ideas?
All the good ideas!
You're right. I'm not willing
to admit that because you don't.
You have some good ideas, but
I'm the one who writes them
down.
That makes me the writer.
It all comes from my head.
If I tell you a story and you
write out my story, that makes
me the writer!
No, it doesn't!
Yes, it does!
I'm the writer. You're just
good at typing.
You said maybe three things
that I'm going to use in the
script.
The "socks in the fridge",
"you're like a child", "you
give me gas"...
those were funny.
(MATT) Thank you.
You're welcome.
I also thought the cooking
metaphor was brilliant.
I didn't say that. You did.
I know, and it was fucking
brilliant.
I think your ego is getting in
the way of your common sense.
I think you use big words to
try to make yourself sound
smart.
Ego isn't a big word. It's only
three letters.
Yeah, but it's got a big
meaning.
All ego means is a frozen
waffle.
No, that's an Eggo.
Whatever.
(knock on door)
You want to get it or you want
me to get it?
I'll get it.
Then get it.
Yeah, I know. I'm gonna get it.
Hi.
I'm Deanna.
Matt.
Hi, Matt.
You're right, Mike. She's got
great boobs.
He's just kidding 'cuz you
don't have--I mean, you have-
umm- it's not that I told him
that you did.
Not that I wouldn't have, but
its not like something I just
tell people on a regular basis.
But you do.
I like your place.
Thanks.
It's small, but it's home.
Can I get you something...to
drink?
A gin Cosmo with lime, easy on
the cranberry. That'd be great.
Hey Matt, could you get us some
gin?
No.
You know what? I think I might
actually have some in my room.
So I'm just gonna go look....
No, it's really.. It's not a
big de--....
So Matt, what do you do?
Eat, fuck and sleep. Why?
Uh...
Mike says you're a writer.
Well, Mike's really the writer,
I just sprinkle some basil on
his chicken.
What?
Nothing.
So...You play the piano?
Nope.
I'm an actress.
Wow.
An actress in L.A.
You must be interesting and
unique.
You and Mike are both actors.
Don't you consider yourselves
interesting and unique?
No.
Really?
We moved to Hollywood to make
movies, and so did about two
million other guys
who are relatively attractive
and were popular in High
School.
So, no.
The only thing that makes us
unique is knowing that we're
not unique.
But, if you think you're unique,
for knowing you're not,
you still think you're
unique, right?
Clearly.
So then that kinda just makes
you like everybody else?
Exactly.
You're smarter than you look.
Don't I look smart?
(Matt shakes his head, "No")
I'm having trouble finding the
gin. I think that I...maybe...
it just kinda disappeared.
Well, not like magic. Like
"poof", it's gone. It's just
disappeared. WOO, in thin air.
It's nowhere. But I think
probably I just drank it when I
was depressed. Not that I'm
depressed or drink by myself.
But who doesn't drink when
they're alone? You know if
they're depressed, or If one
were to be depressed?
So its probably in there.
I should just probably keep
looking. Cuz' it probably,
maybe, just disappeared.
Like magic. Like poof! So, I'm
just gonna keep looking. Then,
you know, we can figure it out
from there.
It's not really... a big deal.
So Matt, do you have a
girlfriend?
I don't have any friends.
DEANNA I can't imagine why.
What was that?
No, nothing. I'm sure deep
down, you're a really nice
person.
Then you're a terrible judge of
character.
So no..no love in your life?
None?
Why do you care?
I'm just trying to make
conversation.
OK...well, I could never love a
woman who would let me treat
her the way that I
treat women when I love them.
Too much of my father in me, I
guess.
What was your father like?
I don't know. I never met him.
What's your 'daddy' like?
He works a lot.
Makes a lot of money?
He does alright, I guess.
That must be nice.
I work, too.
Yeah. So do I, but my father
doesn't pay my rent.
I thought you didn't know your
father.
Exactly.
So, I definitely don't have any
gin. Like officially.
I think that one night we were
playing flag football there was
a few...
I'm going to go out and get
some food. You want anything?
You want anything?
No, I'm good.
I ate already.
She's in L.A. now.
Girls in L.A. don't eat.
Mikey?
No, No- I don't want anything.
We're celebrating.
It's on me.
OK, I'll have something.
What should I get?
Why don't you go to Quizbies?
I'll go to Quizbies!
Bye Matt.
Yeah, whatever.
(Sarcastic.) Matt seems like a
good guy.
No, he is.
It's just hard to tell
sometimes.
Why are such good looking guys
always such jerks?
I mean, I dont mean to be rude.
I know he's you're friend
and...
No, you're right.
Good looking guys are jerks.
Just big old attractive
assholes, running around
handsomely pissing people off.
What happened to that cute
little Asian girl who used to
work here?
Oh, Mary?
Um, she got fired for giving
away food I think.
You know, I didn't think you'd
call.
I probably shouldn't have.
Why not?
You're trouble.
You like my kind of trouble
though.
No, Deanna, I don't.
You really...I mean...why did
you do it?
I don't know why I did it,
Mike.
I was young. I-I wasnt...
You were young?
So, I was young.
We're still young!
What does that even mean?
People make mistakes when
they're young.
Mistakes?
You didn't make a mistake,
Deanna. You shit all over
everything I gave you.
What did you give me?
Me.
Mike...
That's why I shouldn't have
called you.
Mike, I know this is weird for
you.
It's weird for me, too. But...
I've been thinking alot about
things recently and...
You know, no other guy has ever
treated me like you did.
You were good to me, Mike.
And I miss everything we had...
I miss you.
I miss you too.
I miss you too.
I don't think I can do this.
I don't think I can do this.
You should go.
You're gonna make me go?
Yeah.
Are you going to call me?
I don't know.
You don't know?
Hmm, okay....
Bye Mike.
Bye Deanna.
Bye Matt.
Hate to see you go...you know
the rest.
I thought you were going to
Quizbies?
I did, but you know it's nine
bucks for a sandwich there?
You could get a whole fucking
pizza for nine bucks.
You could get two pizzas for
nine bucks. You know, there's a
pizza place next door there...
Fuck, what's the matter with
me?
What is the matter with you?
So, uh...are you gonna bang her
later?
No, Matt. That's the last thing
on my mind right now.
Bullshit, you're tilting the
table.
Matt...now's not the time.
Of course, now's the time.
You were just alone with the
best piece of ass you've ever
had
and you haven't been laid
since grade school.
You should at least rub one
out.
Jesus.
What'd this girl do to you?
She said I treated her good,
and then kissed me.
Wow, what a bitch.
What'd she do on February 21st?
Oh...it's a long story.
Yeah, yeah- when have you ever
told me a story that wasn't
long?
I met her at this house party.
She lived with a bunch
roommates and...
I'd gone to high school with
one them.
They lived in this big house
and were always throwing
parties...
(Loud music playing)
Karate and Love.
Those are my weapons, Mikey.
You know what I mean?
I'll talk to you later, Boo.
Don't worry about it.
Hey, dude.
You gotta treat every woman
here like a chia pet.
You know what I mean?
Put your pasty seeds on them,
and watch them grow.
You know what I'm sayin'? I
poked holes in all my condoms
tonight.
I'm gonna find a rich girl with
conservative parents that think
we should get married.
Hey, there's Deanna.
Who?
My roommate, Deanna.
She looks good too.
I'm really sore.
What?
Oh, I was just saying I'm
really sore.
I was at the gym all day today.
Did some pecks, my legs...
Even did some lats too.
Lats, huh?
Yeah, super sore.
What I really gotta work on is
my biceps.
I'm gonna get an awesome tribal
arm band tattoo.
And it needs to look awesome.
And the more awesome my biceps
look, the more awesome my
tattoos will look.
And the more awesome my biceps
look, the more awesome my
tattoos will look.
Dude. If you too boink, it's
gonna be so weird.
I do not want to hear the
noises you make when you fuck.
("Can't Stop the Boogie"
playing loudly)
I got a nintendo.
With Mike Tyson's punch out.
And I know the code and how to
get him.
Sup, Deanna?
How come you're not swimming?
Everyone is swimmin'.
Oh...no. My arms are kinda
sore.
Yeah, mine too.
From working out all the time.
But, you know, the pool is good
for it.
Plus, once I get my awesome
tribal band tattoo...
...I won't be able to go
swimming as much.
Zero zero seven three seven
three five nine six three.
Done. He's there.
I almost beat him the other day
but, you know, the phone kept
ringing.
Come on. The pool is nice and
hot.
Kinda like the T-Dawg.
Go for it.
Alright. Your loss.
("Freaks" playing loudly)
("Freaks" playing loudly)
("Greatest mistake" playing)
("Greatest mistake" playing)
Mike- I should tell you...
I-I-I have a boyfriend.
Oh.
Well, we shouldn't be doing
this...
He's out of town. It's okay.
Yeah, but still...
He's not nice to me, Mike.
Oh...
I'll break up with him
tomorrow.
OK.
...And I was completly smitten
with her.
We ended up being together for
2 years.
We went on vacations. She let
me drive her car.
We had anniversary dinners. Two
of them.
Morning after pills?
No.
Once.
So what'd she do?
If it were up to me and I was
in charge of calling movies
things...
I would've called it, "There
Will Be Oil".
Cuz' there was a shit ton of
fucking oil.
I don't know. I fell asleep. I
don't know if there was oil,
blood or what.
Babe, I have to get up early in
the morning.
Ok.
Let's go to bed.
No, I don't want to wake you up
when I have to get up.
So, I just...I feel like I
should just sleep in my own bed
tonight.
Really?
Mike, are you in love with me?
Yeah.
No, I mean...are you in love
with me?
Yes, I'm...I'm so in love with
you.
Are you happy?
Yeah, I mean, I guess it's
relative, because I'm not
always happy.
Sometimes if I stub my toe or
slam my hand in the car door
I'm not happy.
Definitely wasn't happy when my
grandma died, although she did
leave me some money.
I mean, that made me happy.
It's just there's different
ratio's of happy to unhappy.
I-It's a whole...
I'm sure there's a book or a
diagram or something that I
could get if I had to.
Tell you what? Why dont I make
you a pie chart?
If you have a pen and some
construction paper...
Where are we going to be in 5
years from now?
Or 10 years? Or even tomorrow?
Well, where do you want to be
in 10 years?
Are you happy?
I'll tell you what.
How about you figure that out
and when you know, make me a
pie chart.
So I'm driving and I realize
this girl was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
If she wanted to talk about
some shit, I needed to talk to
her about some shit.
I realized that I couldn't let
her get away.
So I turned around and I start
driving back to her place as
fast as I can.
The front door was open, so I
walked right in.
I found her in the back yard,
on top of Trevor.
The fucking douchebag with the
tribal armband tattoo.
Only she was facing me.
Wai-Wait, so she was like...?
Yes! God!
Why are you doing that!?
I'm sorry. I'm just trying to
get the picture.
We're in public!
It's a good one!
Anyway- so what'd you do? You
kill the guy or what?
I just left.
I just left.
She came running after me
wrapped in the table cloth.
I was just standing front of
her house screaming "why?".
Over and over again.
And I remember her, standing
there half naked. Just staring
at me.
And when I finally calm down,
she just looked at me and
said...
You just weren't enough for me,
Mike.
You just weren't enough for me,
Mike.
("Greatest Mistake" playing)
I've been hearing that in my
head every day for the last
three years.
"You weren't enough for me,
Mike."
Wow.
How'd you handle it?
I didn't even leave my place
for about a month.
What'd you do by yourself for a
month?
(Mike crying)
I read...a lot.
Got through some books.
Did some crossword puzzles.
You keep yourself busy.
Anyways. A few weeks later...I
just missed her so much.
So I called her, but she never
called me back.
Last week was the first time I
talked to her since that night.
Wow.
Well, now I definitely think
you should bang her.
What?
You should either bang her or
not bang her.
Ohhh, thank you. That's great.
You should either cut it off
right now. Never call her again
Ever.
Or call her over tonight, bang
her, and then never call her
again.
It's not that easy, Matt.
Yes it is. She fucked you.
She fucked you 'cause she
fucked you, then she fucked
him.
Fuck her!
You should fuck her by fucking
her, then fuck her!
If I do that to her, then I'm
no better than she is.
Oh my God, you get no vagina
because you're made out of
vaginas.
I hate you so much.
I know.
Okay, Mike.
I'm sorry.
Seriously.
Call that girl over here
tonight and bang her.
Or fuck her.
Or make love to her.
The way you remembered it.
The way that you've been
thinking about it for three
years.
Do anything and everything
you've ever wanted to do to a
girl, to her.
'Cause you fucking deserve it!
Then in the morning, say
"thanks!", and tell her to
leave.
Then move on and forget about
her.
I'm telling you after what she
did, it's what you have to do
to feel right again.
You really think that'll work?
I do.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm calling.
Alright. I'll be in my room,
listening to every word.
So...man up.
Make me proud.
I will, man. I will.
Hey Mike?
Yeah Matt?
No matter what happens
tonight...Richard Simpkins
wants to make our movie!
I know, man.
I know.
Hey, Mike.
Yeah, Matt.
I think I found your syphilis
cream.
Yeah.
Big bitch.
Big bitch.
I'm glad you decided to call.
Oh yeah?
I knew you would.
Really?
How'd you know I'd call?
Because we were meant to be
together Mike.
You really think so?
I've always thought that.
You've always thought that we
were meant to be together?
Even though we haven't talked
in three years?
Mike.
Did you think we were meant to
be together when you just left
a box with all my
stuff in it, sitting on my
porch.
I didn't know what else to do?
Did you think we were meant to
be together when I called you
every day for two
...weeks and you just never
called me back?
Mike, I didn't know what to
say.
I was embarrassed.
Oh, you were embarrassed?!
You know what's really
embarrassing, actually?
It's when you have to explain to
your family
and all of your friends why you
don't have a girlfriend why you
don't have a girlfriend
anymore.
That's really embarrassing.
Well, you didn't have to go
telling everyone what happened.
Oh, what was I not supposed to
tell them?
Did I not have to tell them
that you fucked some other
dude?
Why can't you just move on and
get over it?
What else do you want from me?
I want you to hurt. I want to
give you a reason to never come
back.
...But I can't.
I wouldn't even know how.
So I'm going to bed.
And you can get the fuck out of
here.
And you can get the fuck out of
here.
How'd you sleep?
What do you mean how'd I sleep?
What do you think I mean? How'd
you sleep?
On my back with my eyes closed.
C'mon man, I'm just trying to
be your friend here.
Why are you trying to be my
friend?
I am your friend.
I know you're my friend, so why
are you "trying" to be my
friend?
Sometimes you just don't sleep
at night.
Well, I slept last night.
I thought I heard you up last
night.
I got up to pee.
I heard you too.
Heard me what?
I heard you pee.
Oh.
I gotta to get to work. I'm
gonna take a shower.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. Go.
How do I look?
You need to go.
Why?
'Cause you don't live here.
Oh...OK.
Let's go.
Where are we going?
Away.
Wha-- what?
Where? Where?
Shh. Let's go.
Ouch. That hurts. Stop. It
hurts.
Matt, Stop it. Stop it.
What is your problem?
My problem?
You know...
You're exactly what I thought
you were.
What does that mean?
Did you ever care about Mike?
Of course.
I love Mikey, he's easy to
love.
But this isn't about him. Why
are you..
Yeah. Get out.
No. S-Stop. Stop.
Matt, Matt! W-what are you
doing? Matt!
You know. You're right.
You don't have to go.
Why don't we all hang out and
watch a Giants game?
Then you, me and Mike can all
go out to the movies together.
Hold hands and share one big
diet coke.
Fuck, while we're at it, why
don't you move in, rent free!
I'll fuck you on Tuesdays and
Thursdays, and Mike can fuck
you Mondays and Wednesdays,
and on the weekends you can
blow who ever you want.
Just brush your teeth and wash
your cunt, and we'll all be one
big happy fucking family!
You are unbelievable!
Yeah, me.
I'm the bad guy.
Get the fuck out of here!
Why are you doing this to me?
You just weren't enough for me,
Deanna.
How's that feel?
How's that feel right now?
I hope you think of this moment
everyday for three years, and
you fucking cry.
Get the fuck out of here.
Don't ever come back
here...ever.
Don't ever come back
here...ever.
Yo, Matty! Whats crackin', baby?
What's up,man? Whats goin' on?
Just chillin all Mathew
McConaughey on your porch.
That's cool.
Yeah.
What're you doing here?
I tried calling you on your
cell phone, but it's
disconnected. Again.
Bills, man. Bills.
I spoke to Richard again last
night.
MATT Yeah?
Yeah, yeah- we went over some
things.
He has some ideas for the
script.
Great.
What kind of ideas?
Well you know, just some small
changes...
Changes?
Yeah, changes.
I fear change.
Oh.
Uhhh. Just kidding, what kind
of changes?
The ending needs to be
different. We don't like it.
What don't you like about it?
Well, it's weak right now.
The ending isn't weak, it's
realistic.
People don't want realistic,
they want happy.
People relate to a real story.
Happy endings aren't real.
I'd like to speak to Mike about
this.
You're talking to me.
I want Mike to hear what I have
to say.
Okay...
I'm going to put some clothes
on.
Yeah, do that.
Your balls all up in my face
and shit. God damn.
MIKE!
Jason, what's up man?
Yo, Mike. The end of the script
needs to be changed.
I fear change.
Ah! See!
Okay, but check it...
The ending has been the ending
since the beginning.
If we knew at the beginning
that the ending would be
different, we would've made the
beginning different when we
began.
Mike, I'm offering you a chance
to make some serious money.
We're trying to make art, not
just money.
Well, then you are in the wrong
town.
I think people will appreciate
what we are doing.
No, they won't. People are
stupid.
They'll buy what we sell them
and believe what we tell them.
You think Skinny Pete is from
Oakland?
Naw.
Foster City, son.
OK, Jason, how do you think we
should change the ending?
Well, right now, nobody gets
the girl.
Somebody needs to get the girl.
But that ruins the whole point.
Who do you think should get the
girl?
Mike...
I think Jack should.
No.
If anyone gets the girl it
should be John.
Nobody gets the girl!
John loved that girl his whole
life, he wants to end up with
her..
Yeah, but Jack is the heart
throb character.
He's the bad boy.
Female audiences are going to
want to see him in a love
scene.
Jack is not the bad boy.
That's not how we see him.
What about the love scene with
John and the girl?
It's wack, son. I mean, It's
not steamy enough.
Plus- John's kind of a nerd,
you know.
A nerd?!
I can't believe either of you.
The story isn't about the girl!
It's about John and Jack, and
their friendship being stronger
than some stupid girl.
Even Brokeback Mountain had
Jake Gyllenhaal bang a girl.
We're not trying to make
Brokeback Mountain!
Well, it's look like the sequel
unless one of those guys gets
the fucking girl!
Look.
If this thing is gonna make any
kind of money...
Why is it always about the
money?
Because it costs money to make
a movie, Matt!
I mean, if anyone is going to
invest in this they're going to
do it for a profit.
That's how it works.
I understand that, but I think
people will like it the way it
is.
Whether people like it or not
is irrelevant.
Can we get pre-sales for the
DVD in foreign markets?
Will Coke or Red Bull be
interested in product
placement?
Those are the questions that
need to be asked.
And the happier the ending...
...The more likely those
answers will be yes.
I would like to meet with
Richard.
Now we're talking.
Mike...
Matt-we've gotten this far.
(To Jason) I don't wanna...
Can we, can we get a meeting?
Yeah.
Ten fifteen tomorrow morning.
...And look nice. Please.
Sleeves, please.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(Mike talking on his phone)
Good. I'll see you in a little
bit. OK, Bye.
Why did you give in?
We haven't changed anything
yet, I just don't want to blow
this.
We can't change the ending.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe we're going about this
wrong.
Artistic integrity is great,
but if we never sell a single
script, then what's the point?
I want to sell scripts, I just
don't want to sell out.
Well we need to sell something
before we can sell out!
I don't want to change the
ending.
I don't want to either.
I'm not gonna go to work today
so I can just stay in and look
at the script.
You're not going to work?!
No.
You have no money!
Why the fuck would you miss
work?
I moved to LA to be a writer,
not to walk a fucking dog.
Then go to work now and work on
the script later!
I can't do that!
Why, because you're lazy?
No, because I have a date
tonight!
With a girl?
Yes, with a girl.
How'd you get that?
I called a girl and asked her
out.
When?
Like a minute ago.
Right before you came up here
and started yelling at me.
I need some help.
Oh, you need money.
No. I mean...yeah.
But no.
Well, yeah.
I need some help remembering
how to...do it.
Do what?
MIKE Bang a chick.
I don't even remember how.
Oh my god.
Well I remember what it was
like...and I know where
everything goes...it's just
...getting there without...I
feel like if I were gonna...
Well, this one time I was...I
don't wanna talk about that.
If I know I have a good shot....
OK, look, I can help you...
Thanks, man.
First of all, do you really
think you're going to bang this
girl tonight?
No, but I mean...
Okay, there's your problem.
You are always going to bang
the girl.
Always.
OK, right.
Confidence.
Now...
Remember, sex doesn't start at
the end of the date, it starts
at the beginning.
You gotta keep those sexual
thought alive in her head.
How?
Touch her.
All night.
Not on the ass or on her boobs,
boobie time will come to those
who wait.
Just touch her hand, or brush
her hair out of her face.
You know, find reasons to
always be touching her.
So, if this all works out for
me, and were about to get busy.
What's the best way to...
Get busy?
Yeah.
Okay, okay. Let's say
she's...Ummm...front or back?
Either way.
I don't really have a
preference.
Alright....
So, If she's here... is she
flexible? Does she...
How tall is she?
She's like...
Does she do yoga?
Medium to...
Does she do yoga?
Does she do yoga?
Uh, she looks like a yogi.
Okay.
A girl is like a piano.
Always know what song you are
going to play before you start.
...and always start slow. And
soft.
(Matt playing a song on the
piano)
A song has a beginning, a
middle and an end.
You can't just...end the song
abruptly.
With no warning.
All over her nice pillows.
With no warning.
All over her nice pillows.
(Matt playing piano keys)
No matter how hard you try, if
you only hit one spot...
Your never going to make music.
(Matt continues to hit piano
keys)
That's how she feels.
Irritating.
Irritating.
...And if you are going to be
playing a piano you've never
played before...
Wear a condom.
(Mike singing "The Way You Look
Tonight" loudly)
"...When I'm I'm awfully low
and the world is cold."
(Matt begins to sing with Mike)
"I will feel a glow, just
thinking of you..."
"And the way you looked, last
night!"
Oh my God, you did it!
Oh my God, I did it!
Aye, aye, aye... Did you do it
like this?
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Did you do it like...like that?
Oh yeah!
Hell yeah, I did!
Did you do it like this?!
No!
...
Just kidding, we did it like
that too!
I am so proud of you!
I am so in love!
Wha-what?
Dude- I don't know how, I don't
know why, but I-I-I'm fuckin'
in love.
Does she have a magical vagina
or something?
What?
No...
Did it bake you cookies, or do
your taxes?
No. It was just, hum, a great
night...
I'm just saying, this girl
sounds pretty special.
Dude- she is.
She is so special.
If they had an Olympics for
girls that were special, she
would win.
You mean like the Special
Olympics?
No...not like the special
olympics.
girl from the SNo, no, no I'm n
She would be in the regular
Olympics if she were an
athlete.
Honestly, dude. You were right.
It wasn't her that made me
unhappy.
It was the absence of her that
made me unhappy.
What?
Hey, Deanna. What are you doin
here?
Mike, you forgot your bag.
Actually, I'm really glad you
here.
I was thinking we can all go
get some food?
aten in foreverI guess I'm alwa
...But we got food last night,
but it was a salad 'cause the
place was expensive.
And I didn't wanna, like, get
food 'cause she was paying.
ank you, again.For like the twe
seriously, I was just thinking
e the three of us can go
down somewhere.
...Get a delicious meal.
Oh, dude! We got our meeting
today.
What am I doing? I gotta go put
on my lucky suit!
as for my grandWhich really was
y's gonna be grSo I'm willing t
y's gonna be grSo I'm willing t
You must be out of your Goddamn
mind.
You think you can tell me what
to do?
You don't know a thing about
me, Matt.
You think you got me all
figured out.
I'm exactly what you thought I
was.
Well, how does this feel right
now? Huh?
Helpless?
Mike's told me about you.
How he's your only friend and
how you need him.
So, go ahead and tell your only
friend that you fucked his
girlfriend.
Or don't.
What difference does it make?
You're a fucking whore!
Matt!
What the fuck, dude?
You don't understand.
Ok, explain it to me.
Yeah, Matt, what's going on?
Deanna.
is obviously a roommate thing.
n't want to get in the
le of it.
Bye Mike.
Sorry that I wasn't worth it.
Oh, and Matt.
This is yours.
This is yours.
It's game time.
Let's go.
Let's go.
You had sex with her, didn't
you?
Not now, Mikey.
Alright, Fellas. I'm gonna let
Richard know you guys are here.
Give me a second.
Did you?
Did you fuck her?!
Yes.
Game time, fellas.
Game time. Game face.
Let's go get it.
Come on.
Let's go get it. Get up. Come
on.
Come on.
Let's go get it. Get up. Come
on.
Fellas, this is Richard
Simpkins.
Hello Matthew.
.Hello Michael.
Mr. Simpkins, it's a pleasure
to meet you.
I'm sure it is.
And I will fulfill my cordial
obligation by saying that it is
also a pleasure to meet you.
If you'll forgive me, I'd like
to get straight to the point.
I've always felt that chit-chat
is for those who have nothing
to say.
And judging by the content of
your script, you seem like you
have something to say.
(RICHARD SIMPKINS) It comes to
my attention that you as writers
and me, as producer...
There is a discrepancy about
the ending of your picture.
Ahh, yes. We I believe ..
Well, let me say then that I
fully understand you not
wanting to change
your script.
Believe it or not, there are a
lot of writers in Hollywood who
don't want to alter their
work, and that is quite
honorable.
So, I have decided to go ahead
and purchase your movie as is.
You won't have to change
another word.
You won't have to change
another word.
I want to frame this.
You can do whatever you want
with it as soon as you sign
this contract.
Great, let me see it.
I can tell you what it says.
I'll read it. Thanks.
Think about it, Mike.
Before you know it, your movie
is gonna be coast to coast on
the big screen.
Can't wait.
They own all future rights...
What's the matter, Mike?
A check not enough for you?
You were expecting more zeros,
maybe?
No...it's plenty of money.
We don't get anything once it's
made.
That's what the checks are for.
We have no jurisdiction over
any changes.
Don't you worry about that.
We'll bring in professional
writers for that stuff.
And Jason and I discussed the
ending, Jack's gonna get the
girl.
But Jack can't get the girl!
What if Jack just fucks the
girl without telling John?
I like that.
Jack would never do that.
I don't know, Matt.
I mean, Jack doesn't show a
single human quality throughout
the entire script.
I don't think anyone would have
a problem believing he fucked
over his best friend.
Yeah, well. It's kind of true.
Jack is kind of a dick.
If Jack were to fuck the girl,
it would only be to protect
John.
Protect him?
That doesn't make any fucking
sense, Matt!
John is a grown ass man.
Okay...
Well, we'll deal with this when
the time comes.
First, if you guys can just
sign...
Yeah. Th-This is a buyout.
We're not even involved in this
at all.
We don't even have a say over
who's in the cast.
Oh, we have great idea's for
casting.
Yeah. We were thinking, uhh,
Michael Cera could play John...
What?
Wow!
No!
Why?
Mike...
What?
Richard ...
What?
Mike and I are gonna play John
and Jack.
You're kidding me right?
No.
Michael...tell your friend what
a good deal he's getting.
Man, we got checks.
Mike- nobody can play those
roles, but us.
We wrote this together.
You gotta be fucking kidding
me!
Jason!
Don't forget you work for me.
And in working for me, you have
your place.
And right now, that place is on
the other side of the door.
And right now, that place is on
the other side of the door.
Hollywood is an interesting
place.
It is filled with people who
feel that they deserve to be
handed the glory of fame...
and riches simply because they
show up in their Von Dutch cap
and two hundred dollar jeans.
They come in here and they say,
"Mr. Simpkins- I want to be a
star."
(RICHARD SIMPKINS) Not an
actor, or an artist, even, but
a "star".
"I'll do anything-- I'll do
anything to be in one of your
pictures, Mr. Simpkins!"
And don't think that I haven't,
from time to time,
taken advantage of these
little situations.
But the truth be known, my
friends, is that I hate Actors.
I call them schmactors.
You know what I say to these
people?
These schmactors?
I say "Get the fuck out of my
office!"
They've invaded my city,
infested my streets like
maggots.
(RICHARD SIMPKINS) And they
bite and chew through anything
that gets in their way.
They are all still willing to
lick the sweat from my balls
for SAG minimum...
...And two lines in one of my
pictures.
Take a look at that check.
Don't loo...look at the check!
Count the zeros if you must.
Is that not more money than you
have ever seen in your life?
So, answer me this question...
I'm offering you more money
than you have ever seen for
ninety pages...
Ninety-three.
Ninety-three pages...that's not
even in the right format!
...But I'm willing to overlook
this artistic immaturity.
But you have the nerve to think
you can be in it too?
Who's gonna come to see you?
It's the name that sells a
movie, not a plot.
Nobody knows who you are.
And nobody cares, including me.
All I want is the ninety-three
pages you wrote.
A little career advice, boys:
Take the money and run, kids.
Take it.
Jason!
Jason!
I'll sell it with us attached,
and the original ending.
The contract stands as is.
Sorry. I can't do it.
Matt...I'm done.
Come on. Sign it.
Fuck it.
Take my name off the script.
It's yours.
Okay.
Mike- you could earn double.
What do you say?
Fuck you, Matt.
Sorry, Richard.
Thank you, but we're a team.
If Matt's out, then I'm out.
You got to be kidding me?!
Sacrifice, gentleman.
The things I had to do to break
into this business, that I
could never tell my mother.
...To get me where I am today.
And you two can't even...
Bravo.
Bravo to you. (Claps)
Great.
You get to walk outta here with
your pride and integrity in
tact.
But what you will not walk
outta here with is that check.
And this is why...
In the next five years, I'm
going to produce eleven films.
They're gonna be nominated for
a handful of Oscars.
Oh...I'm due.
And I will make an
incomprehensible amount of
money on these films.
But you two will get to keep
your script.
And when five years pass, I
will summon you back to this
office.
I'll offer you half of what I
offered you today.
And you'll take it, gladly.
Are you ready?
Are you ready for this?
Do you know what's coming?
Do you feel it?
Jason- Wow.
What a great meeting.
Thanks for wasting my time.
Yo, yo, yo- Mikey.
Yo, sign the fucking contract,
man.
Calm down, bro...
Yo, Matt- I'm not your bro.
I'm not your friend, either.
You think it's fun for me to go
down to your shitty ass house?
socks all over pretending like
Naw, I don't.
It's a business.
Sign the fucking contract!
No.
Look at you Mike.
You are pathetic.
You don't have a god damn thing
going for you.
You're just another loser who
thinks he's too good to play
the game.
You have one script.
No, no- you have half of a
script.
You do everything this moron
tells you to do, and you're a
fuckin' team?
Fuck him. You're nothing!
Nothing.
If you had any brains or any
balls at all...
We don't give a fuck what you
think, Jason!
How fucking dare you talk to
Mike like that.
The only reason that you do
what you do is 'cause you don't
have the talent...
...Or the sack to do what he
does.
cept not as goo'Cause children
You will never become anything,
ever.
You are a complete waste of
life, you give me gas,
... And I want you to get the
fuck outta my way.
Aight, then.
Gangster.
I've got another meeting,
anyway.
Do you guys have another
meeting?
Huh?
What was that?
That's funny.
I would have thought you had.
Listen, Mike...
I don't get it.
e too good to change the script.
an't change one fucking
No matter how bad we need the
money.
You've got too much integrity.
Well, where was your God damn
integrity when you decided to
fuck my girlfriend?
You sit there and talk all
this, zen bullshit, like you're
fucking Yoda...
Joseph Campbell.
...and then go behind my back?
You fuckin' dirty, peice of
shit, fuckin' ass-...
N-No, Mike! Mike!
Mike...
Mike...
Mikey! Mikey!
Get off me! I'm done, Matt.
No, I'm done. I'm going home!
Alright? And nothing you can
say will ever make this ok.
I did it for you!
What?
I did it for you, man.
That girl is bad for you. She's
always been bad for you.
I just thought that, if you
could bang her, you would feel
better.
...But you couldn't.
You said you wanted to give her
a reason to never come back,
but you couldn't.
That was the only thing I
thought I could do to get her
out of your life,
...So that you could move on.
I thought there was no way that
she would come back after that.
...But she came back!
How could you think I could do
something like that to you?
I mean I did, but I didn't.
Mikey, please don't-- just
don't go, man.
You're the only person I know.
What would I do?
So you thought the best way to
keep me around,
and to keep me happy was
...having sex with my
girlfriend?
Matt, what the fuck is the
matter with you?
You knew what had happened
before...
and how it affected me...
an-and-...
I'm sorry, Mike.
I don't understand why she
would do that.
Hell hath no fury, bro.
It's kinda funny if you think
about it.
Or not funny.
No, it's not funny.
It's not at all.
Should we have taken the money?
No.
Maybe.
Hey, thanks for NOT taking the
money.
Remember when you yelled at
Jason in Richard Simpkins's
office?
Yeah. I wanted to punch him in
the throat.
I liked how you used that
monologue you wrote.
What should we put it in?
What would it work in?
In this.
In this?
Yeah, yeah- we should write
about this. Its a fucked
up story.
People would be
interested in it.
Okay?
I mean, we'd have to change it
a little.
Yeah.
Edit out some unimportant
details...
Of course.
Write in a few really hot
chicks.
Obviously.
How do we start it?
We?
Yeah, we. I'm not writing this
shit alone.
It was your idea.
Alright.
About what?
I don't know...about dogs.
No one is gonna buy that.
Real people dont have
conversations about dogs.
That's not true, we're
conversing about a dog right
now.
No we're not, we're conversing
about writing a script with a
conversation about dogs.
Totally different.
Same difference.
Alright. Fine, Matt. How would
said conversation about dogs,
begin?