1
[church-style piano music plays]
[top clinking on the ground]
["Bridal Chorus" plays]
Oh, I think she's so pretty.
Wardell.
I love you.
["Bridal Chorus" continues]
[dramatic chord]
Well, I guess you didn't
think I was gonna make it,
did you, Earl?
[Earl yelps] Oh, Lord! Help me, help me!
Fuck me, Earl! Fuck me now!
[Earl] I can't, I can't, I can't.
You fucking dog, Earl.
- Fuck me now!
- [Earl screaming]
[screams]
Go to sleep. [crying]
Save me.
Make all the ugly in the world go away.
Save me.
["Sordid Lives" playing]
Now who's to judge?
Who's a saint?
And who's a sinner?
Lord, it's tough
enough To trudge
From brunch to dinner
Well, we seek The
light of truth
Between our white lies
And we sleep away Our youth
Under tattletale skies
Now who's to say
Who's a sinner
And who's a saint?
Who's to say who you Can
love and who you can't
Well, it's easy for the pot
To call the kettle black
They're just jealous
Of the hot and lusty
Sordid lives they led
Ain't it a bitch
Sortin' out Our sordid lives
It's a bitch
When you come to realize
Get yourself a box
Of Cracker Jacks
Then you can get A
really shitty prize
It's a bitch
Sortin' out Our sordid lives
Now we struggled
Comin' down the chute
To take our first breath
And we struggle
For acceptance
From our birth To our death
But the Lord's
Too busy tryin'
To keep the world
On it's feet
He ain't got time
To give a damn about
What goes on
Between your sheets
Ain't it a bitch
Sortin' out Our sordid lives
It's a bitch
When you come to realize
Get yourself a box
Of Cracker Jacks
And you can get A
really shitty prize
It's a bitch
Sortin' out Our sorry little
Sordid lives
[TV Narrator] Because
of the hoarding,
Brenda has not let anyone in...
Oh, my word. LaVonda, get in here.
You are not gonna believe
this hoarder's house.
I can't, I am late for my
hospital visitation duties.
And I am takin' Noleta
with me to see her mama.
Noleta, we gotta skedaddle!
I can't find my ponytail!
I wonder why.
Brenda's house makes
Noleta's trailer look tidy.
Collects dolls because her daughter drowned
when Brenda was passed out drunk.
Tragic.
You know, I am just glad to see you back
in front of that TV.
You've had your nose stuck in the Bible
for the last few months.
You done?
Mm, almost, I had to take a break.
Revelation scares the dickens out of me.
Barely slept last night.
I just do not know what
possessed you to read
the entire Bible cover to cover.
I think I'd kill myself.
Well, with Ty and Kyle flittin'
from one state to another
gettin' gay married and, coupled with that
Supreme Court decision,
and now what's goin' on
down at the church house, I just needed
to figure out some things for myself.
Seems to me if David can
have Bathsheba's husband
killed in battle,
so he can marry that adulteratin',
pregnant tramp,
to add to his shit ton of other wives,
our nephew can marry the
one man that he loves.
You're bein' too hard on Bathsheba.
David used his position as
king to have his way with her.
Do not blame the victim.
How is Noleta's mama?
Tests still pending.
They've narrowed it down
to either stomach cancer
or a severe case of ptomaine,
which she might have gotten
from her very own leftover tuna casserole,
which she left out all night.
Ooh, in this heat.
Mm, then she ate it for
breakfast. [laughing]
Shoo, Hortense knows better than that.
It's summer, and who eats
tuna casserole for breakfast?
Hortense.
Can I borrow a pack of
cigarettes? I'm runnin' low.
Yes, but you pay me back this time.
They're so high now, it
ought to make us all quit.
I'm gonna pray Hortense has ptomaine
instead of stomach cancer.
I can't find my ponytail.
You wanna borrow one
of my Raquel Welch wigs?
No, that's all right,
I'll just rethink my look
on my way over to visit Mama.
You wouldn't have that
problem if you'd just
chose a look and stick to it.
That's right, me and Sissy's hair has
stood still for decades.
- [shushes]
- We interrupt this program
to bring you the very latest
on a developing story.
We have confirmed that
convicted serial killer
Billy Joe Dobson...
Sweet baby Jesus, he's that serial killer
from over in Longview,
who picked up hitchhikers
and killed 'em by conkin' 'em on the head
with a sledgehammer he stole while workin'
at a meat packin' plant
right over in Tyler.
He is so hot.
I guess I won't be
hitchhikin' anytime soon,
or I'll end up in the graveyard.
I might.
Well, Mama, it's been
17 years since you died.
The day you caused so much
chaos and all hell broke loose.
My son came out as gay right
in front of your coffin.
And is now legally married to a black man.
Thanks to the U.S. Supreme Court.
I'll give you a moment to
roll over in your grave.
Oh, Mama,
so much has happened.
Wilson left me.
Took my credit cards...
my beautiful home.
I had to move into a
1,700-square-foot house,
back here in Winters, Texas, where there's
a constant parade of crazy
dancin' in the street.
[jukebox music playing]
You done me wrong So
I'm doing you right
You'll find your bags
Out on the porch tonight
Don't try to give that
Same song and dance, yeah
I have had enough and you've
Had your last chance...
Oh, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy.
17 years ago, these
sumbitches...[hand slapping]
...killed the love of my life.
Well, now technically,
it wasn't them sumbitches,
G.W., remember?
Noleta burnt up them wooden
legs that killed Peggy.
I know that, you idiot.
You don't have to get nasty.
Hey, look on the bright side.
At least you once had a wife,
and a mistress.
Some of us ain't never found love.
Maybe it's 'cause no one wants you, Odell.
[laughing] You got that right.
Goddamn it, half-wit.
I was struck by lightning,
that's why I'm a little slow.
Made you smarter, in my opinion.
[G.W. laughing]
Princess Margaret was
Queen Elizabeth's sister
and her former
daughter-in-law,
Sarah Ferguson, is a duchess.
And Prince Charles had a mistress,
Camilla Parker Bowles.
And that's what killed Diana.
Well, that's good to know, Juanita.
Well, I ain't never seen any
love in your life neither.
Me and LaVonda had a good
thing goin' at one time.
Yeah, till she dumped your
ass, like, a million years ago.
Victory, that's a new one
I made up just right now.
"V", for victory, you see. [laughing]
Looks like a big hairless vagina to me.
I don't like that.
I got somethin' that'll
make you feel better, G.W.
A bullet through my head?
No, I'm puttin' back
together that 15-year tribute
for Peggy that was suppose
to have two years ago.
Got derailed by that hail storm and Odell
gettin' struck by lightning.
And then last year, Juanita
went missin' for two days.
Did you find me?
You got locked in the storage closet,
passed out drunk from
tryin' each and every one
of my liquors in there.
[laughing] Good times.
I never should have tried
to catch them hail balls
in my mouth, like peanuts.
Error in judgment.
We'll just make it a 17-year anniversary.
We can get together and
sing Peggy's favorite hymns
just like the good old days.
How's it gonna be like the good old days
when the love of my life,
Peggy, is six feet under?
You can't kill love, G.W.,
but love can kill you.
And you don't want that.
Did she just make sense?
Well, even a blind hog finds
an acorn every now and then.
Come to me, Tammy. I need you.
Why don't you ever come to me anymore?
Well, shit, she ain't a-comin'.
I'm gonna call my Aunt Sissy.
[Woman On TV] No, no,
no, no [crying]...
Oh, bless her heart.
[telephone ringing]
Hello.
[Earl] Hi, Sissy.
Oh, well, hello Brother
Boy, how are you, hun?
Oh, Sissy, I've been
havin' this dream.
My fantasies of Wardell
and I gettin' married
have started up again.
But it was a beautiful wedding,
and you were a bridesmaid.
Oh, thanks for askin' me.
It was a dream, Sissy.
But then, the dream turns
into an awful, awful nightmare.
And the wedding becomes Mama's funeral.
But Doctor Eve, you remember
that mean old store-bought
big-titty doctor who was
tryin' to de-homosexualize me
at the loony bin?
I do indeed, I did not care for her.
Yeah, well, Doctor Eve is
in Mama's coffin, not Mama.
And she tries to get him to well, to fu...
To have carnal relations with me.
Right there in the church house?
[Earl] Yes, in Mama's coffin.
It was so frightening.
You do know what today's
date is, don't you?
Thursday.
Ah, Mama's death date.
She died 17 years ago.
She's haunting me because, Sissy, she never
wanted me to be happy.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus, how time flies.
Seems like just yesterday
that Peggy tripped over
them wooden legs and hit her
head on that nasty old sink
at the Galaxy Motel
while havin' that affair
with G.W. Nethercott.
[phone line ringing]
[Latrelle] Hello, sweet boy.
Hey, Mama, I'm callin' you from Dallas.
Dallas, you're so close.
Did you finish your, um,
marriage tour thingamajig?
Yes, ma'am, this last
part is what I like to call
the "weeping and gnashing
of teeth" part of the tour.
Uh-huh, well, y'all sure
did get a lot of press.
That was the point.
Yes, great for your cause,
not always easy on
mothers in Winters, Texas.
Well, I'm sorry that
exposing bigotry has caused
you such grief, Mama.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I'm used to being gossiped about by now,
but how come you're in Dallas
and I'm just now findin' out?
Kyle's up for a big job at
Mitchell Gold, Bob Williams,
head design associate.
And he gets to choose
between Dallas and Atlanta.
Oh, choose Dallas.
I could come up there and shop.
Kyle gets family discounts, right?
I need a new chaise, in taupe.
We'll get right on that.
And you can visit Winters often.
Yes that would be, just horrible.
Although, maybe we could make
Texas number 50, in Winters.
And you could throw us our wedding,
that would certainly
get lots of attention.
Oh, aren't these flowers pretty?
It's your nan-aunt's death date.
I'm in the cemetery as we speak.
I wish you were here but,
you'll always find a reason
not to visit Winters.
I just gave you a reason
for me to come home
and you changed the subject.
Oh, let's not fight, Ty.
You know I love you, I do,
and I'm really happy that you and Kyle
have found each other. I just, well,
it's just not exactly
the kind of wedding
that I always envisioned.
Me neither, because I never
thought it was possible,
because I was taught by you,
- and everybody else...
- [fingers snapping]
Okay, you're right, you're
right, let's change the subject,
um, 'cause I've been saving
the big news, and I mean big.
Hey, Latrelle, what would
you prefer to be called:
grandma, me-ma, nana,
or my personal favorite,
because you're so glamorous, glama?
Wait, what? Are you all...?
Yes, our surrogate just
finished her first trimester
and we wanted to wait,
you know, just to be sure,
but you are going to be a glama of twins.
[Latrelle screaming]
[laughing] She's screaming.
Good to see you, Mitchell.
I gotta go, Mom. Boss man just arrived.
Hey, Mitchell. Bye, Mom.
Oh, welcome. Good to see you guys.
- You too.
- Come on back, let's talk.
So I saw all the press
on the recent weddings.
Perfect media attention.
Faith in America. Great
job, Ty, that was incredible.
And you, Kyle, what's it
gonna be, Dallas or Atlanta?
- [sirens blaring]
- [grunting and coughing]
I don't speak. I don't speak
gruntin', Aunt Little Neecy.
[phone ringtone playing]
Oh, hello there, Brother Boy.
LaVonda, I need your help.
My talents are being wasted here in
Long-fucking-view,
Texas.
I need you to rescue me.
Uh-huh, well, did you hear
that the hitchhiker murderer
has escaped the pen?
He is from Longview, you know.
And he's killed people
all over that area.
Had sex with those he murdered.
He's suppose to be executed next week.
LaVonda, please, you
know I frighten easily.
I'm fragile as a little baby kitten.
And Mama's ghost is hauntin' me!
It's not the good hauntin'
like when Tammy comes to me.
It's the bad hauntin'.
And they've made, LaVonda,
this new drag queen
head of the show, and
she has me on probation.
She's sayin' that I have to give up Tammy.
I have to give up Loretta,
and I have to give up Dolly.
I'll have no show.
- My new show is called...
- [Neecy grunting]
...We Three Queens of Opry Are.
I mean, who am I
suppose to do, LaVonda?
Carrie Underwood? Her kind
of Christianity frightens me.
I mean, one minute she's asking for Jesus
to please take the wheel,
and then the next minute
she's beatin' out the
headlights of her cheatin'
ex-boyfriend's truck.
What about the other one?
Am I suppose to do her?
The little fleshy, the real sweet one,
married to Blake Shelton.
Miranda Lambert. They're gettin' divorced,
and she's lost weight.
Well, I hadn't, I'm big as
Dallas and half of Fort Worth.
I look like my water is about to break.
And I can't pull off
them young ones, LaVonda.
I mean, you can just dim the lights so low
and then you're in the dark.
I need you to come get me.
Can you borrow Wardell's truck?
And move me up to Dallas
where opportunity is rampant?
I heard about this bar
LaVonda, called the Rose Room.
Seats 500 people.
I need that kind of appreciation.
LaVonda, I need that kind of applause.
I need so much, LaVonda.
I need my precious princess...
Tammy! [crying]
[hammer pounding]
[Mrs. Barnes humming]
Yoo-hoo!
Mrs. Barnes.
Oh, oh.
Hello, Latrelle.
Well, you've gotta meet the new preacher.
Jimmy Ray! Jimmy Ray, hey!
Jimmy Ray Brewton, he's my nephew,
and he's gonna carry
on now that Cecil has...
has gone on to glory to meet Jesus.
Jimmy Ray, this is Latrelle Williamson.
She's the one I told
you about with the son.
Well, the Good Lord sure did bless you
with beauty, Latrelle.
- Oh. [laughing]
- Did indeed.
Well, now, thank you.
I have a question.
Now that marriage equality
is the law of the land,
how's this revival,
well, gonna change things?
Supreme Court's not the law of this land.
Word of God's the law of this land.
Well, actually, if memory serves me right,
um, that's not exactly true.
The Constitution is the law
of the land, not the Bible.
Separation of Church and state,
um, somethin' we all should
have been taught in school.
She's a feisty one, ain't she?
Indeed she is.
Oh, I could tell you stories.
And I'm sure you already have.
Fact of the matter is,
five liberal justices
and an ungodly Muslim president,
can't take away my...
your biblical and constitutional right
to live according to
your deeply held beliefs.
Well, now, you've lost me,
because as I said, it's the law.
Well, that's true, but
as Christian warriors,
we have to fight for our Lord.
And here's your answer.
We are gonna make Runnels
County a sanctuary county
for the institution of
biblical marriage, one man,
one woman, and to never have a gay marriage
performed in this county.
Ever, ever. We want our rainbow back.
We do, indeed.
And there have been
consequences to the moral decay
of this country caused by
the gays and the acceptance
of their lifestyle, and there will be more.
9/11, AIDS, Obama's
election, Hurricane Katrina.
And Sandy. Oh, and don't
forget that Japanese tsunami.
And fire ants.
- All because of the gays.
- Um.
Well, you know, I consider
myself a God-fearing Christian
but I find it hard to
believe that the gays wield
enough power to control the weather,
and disease, and insects.
Well, allow me to
correct you here, you see,
God has the power to respond
appropriately to immorality.
And it's our responsibility
to protect this county
from his wrath.
Well, things become a little
cloudy and complicated when...
I'm sure you've been
told that my son is gay.
Yes, I have heard that.
And I'm so, so sorry.
That cross must be so
hard for you to carry.
Now you just might need this revival
more than anybody in this town.
Why don't you come by on Friday, Latrelle,
and I promise you that
everything will become...
crystal clear.
Hm.
You know what?
I think I will.
I just can't come right now.
I'm here at the hospital sittin' with
Evelyn Crawley's Aunt Little Neecy.
Aunt Little Neecy who used
to have all them feral cats?
And a pet skunk.
Why, I thought she died.
She was old when we were kids.
And why are you sittin' with the afflicted?
LaVonda, that is so unlike you.
Evelyn has had somethin' on me for years,
which I do not want to discuss,
and she has just been waitin' to collect.
What's wrong with Aunt Little Neecy
besides meanness and insanity?
Well, Evelyn was in her
kitchen, picklin' okras
from her garden, and
she put Aunt Little Neecy
in front of the television,
to keep her occupied,
and to keep her from goin' through
her underwear drawer again.
I mean, she's just obsessed
with Evelyn's underwear,
likes to try every one of 'em on.
Oh, there's nothin' crazy about that.
Uh, well it, it, stretches them out.
[Earl] Oh.
Anyway, Aunt Little
Neecy just loves that show
where the sponges talk.
I mean, whoever came up with that show
had to be on drugs, if you ask me.
So Evelyn looks up at
the clock on the stove...
Tammy, honey, is this as
boring to you as it is to me?
The Price Is Right, although,
Lord, she was pissed
when Bob Barker quit,
and hates Drew Carey,
who looks better fat.
Anyway, she goes in there and
tries to change the channel
on the TV, and that's
when the trouble started.
That is a lot of detail, LaVonda.
Oh, hush. You asked.
And I listened to your sob sister story
for 30 fuckin' minutes.
Okay, okay, proceed.
Well, it became a
battle over that remote.
Evelyn could not pry that remote
out of Aunt Little Neecy's hand,
grip of death.
And during the struggle that remote
landed upside Evelyn's head.
Well, that did it.
Evelyn lost her temper,
and Little Neecy lost hers.
So, right in the middle
of Aunt Little Neecy's
big old temper tantrum,
she goes into a full-blown
epileptic seizure and bit off her tongue.
[screams] Bit off her tongue?
- Yes.
- Lord.
Evelyn had to put that bit-off tongue
in the pickle jar she was
usin' for puttin' up her okra.
Dumped that good okra right in the sink,
packed that jar with ice.
Quick thinkin'.
Sure was, and she got
Aunt Little Neecy here
to the hospital, where Dr. Lloyd
was able to reattach
that bit-off tongue.
But all that blood just ruined Evelyn's
brand-new white carpet, indoor, outdoor.
But Evelyn says that the good news is
that the doctors say
that Aunt Little Neecy
will speak again,
with speech therapy,
which in my humble
opinion is not good news,
'cause that crazy old bat
never fuckin' shuts up.
And, I strongly believe
that Evelyn will regret
packin' that tongue on ice.
What does Evelyn have on you, anyway?
Well, it has to do with her
witnessing a justified crime
that I was an accomplice to
years ago, involving a goat.
Oh, my God, was it sexual?
No!
And that is all you need to know.
Well, Evelyn was just plain
stupid buyin' that white carpet.
But LaVonda, honey,
I'm desperate.
- I need for you to drive here
- [Aunt Little Neecy grunting]
and take me to Dallas.
Uh-oh, she's throwin' things. I gotta go.
Come get me, LaVon!
[sighing]
What took you so long?
Did you bring me my Payday,
and my flamingo-pink lipstick?
I mean, the nurses, the
orderlies, the new preacher,
they had to look at me
all day without my lips on.
Yes, ma'am, I'm sorry.
Oh, just give me my lipstick.
If I'm going to die, I
want to look presentable.
Oh, just cremate me.
I mean, you would never be
able to do these eyebrows.
Mama, you are not going to die.
Stomach cancer runs in this family.
You're probably gonna die of it too.
Just give me my lipstick and my Payday.
Okay, oh, there it is.
- Oh, kill it.
- Oh, Payday.
Payday, good.
- Lipstick.
- Ah-ha,
and quit eating.
You'll never get another man at your size.
Mama, I'm a size 10.
In what country?
I am not gonna let you
push my buttons, Mama.
You may have installed them,
but I'm not gonna let you push 'em.
I heard that on Oprah's Lifeclasses.
Oh, shut up.
Oprah's full of shit.
[gasping]
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to see
if they have your pending test
back to see how much longer
I am going to have to
put up with this shit!
Which Oprah is not full of.
LaVonda, LaVonda!
No yelling in the hallways!
There are sick people in here.
Didn't your mother teach
you to be considerate?
No, ma'am, she just taught me to feel
inferior and worthless.
- LaVonda!
- Trash.
Hey, there, pretty lady,
could you come in here?
Me?
Well, I don't see no
other pretty lady nearby.
Hey, would you be an angel and hand me...
hand me them crutches over there?
Goddamn mean nurse
helped me into this chair
and told me she'd be back in 30 minutes.
Been over an hour.
Oh, damnation,
you're pretty.
Uh?
[Hardy] Oh, and I don't
see no wedding ring.
No. No more. No ring.
I pawned it after my
divorce 17 years ago. Single!
See, my husband had an affair
on me with my best friend's
70-year-old mother, and
our friendship survived
but the marriage did not.
My friend LaVonda, oh,
that's Peggy's daughter,
Peggy is the old adulteratin' dead woman,
is settin' in that room across from you
with Evelyn Crawley's Aunt Little Neecy.
Well, Aunt Little Neecy is
crazy as a sack full of assholes,
bless her heart.
And I'm here visitin' my mama,
who either has stomach cancer
or a severe case of ptomaine.
I mean, we're prayin' that it's ptomaine,
but she is so damn mean
sometimes I just wish she would die.
Oh, shoot, I meant to just think that.
My husband, G.W., well my ex-husband now,
17 years, no ring, single,
he is a Vietnam vet
and he has two wooden legs.
Well, technically they're fiberglass.
And one day I got real mad,
and I took one of them legs,
and I bashed in all the
windows on his pickup truck
while he was takin' a bath.
Not a pretty sight with
them stubs, years ago.
Then, I set them legs on fire
in the bed of his pickup truck,
beings as I was so upset
after Peggy's funeral,
you know about the affair, not her death.
But first, I soaked them legs in gasoline,
'cause I think that shit through,
tossed in a match, boom!
Oh, it's hard to make a
marriage work after that.
Remind me never to piss you off.
[laughing] Okay.
I, uh, I don't mean to make it worse.
[laughing] What... what
happened to your leg?
Well, I crushed it workin' on an oil rig.
Uh, my crutches.
Oh, right, sorry.
Okay, here you go.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, hey, will you get behind me,
put both your hands
around my waist and give me a shove up?
Okay.
Don't look at my ass.
[Noleta] Okay.
[Hardy grunting] There we go.
Oh, yay, it worked.
My buddy Hank's suppose to
bring me some sweats but,
- are you lookin' at my ass?
- No!
Well, maybe just a little.
Good.
[Noleta laughing]
[Noleta] Oh, Lord!
"Come, Lord Jesus.
"The grace of the Lord Jesus
be with all. Amen."
Hm.
Well, it's not the best
endin', if you ask me.
[telephone ringing]
[Vera] Corner Stop, where
Jesus is alive and well
and everything is convenient. This is Vera.
How may I help you?
Hello, Vera, well, I just now finished
readin' the entire Bible.
I've been dealin' with
Brother Boy this morning, ooh!
More troubles than Christ on the cross.
Well, bless his heart.
I've been praying for
Jesus to turn him straight.
Well, Vera, I think that
perhaps that is a wasted prayer.
If you have faith the
size of a mustard seed,
you can say to a mulberry
tree, "Be uprooted
and be planted in the sea."
That's in Luke.
Hey, Leticia, you're
mixin' up the sweet spicy
chili Doritos with the spicy nachos again.
Yes, Vera! Bitch... [speaking Spanish]
[Sissy] "Be ye kind, one to
another." Ephesians 4:32.
Mm, uh-huh, that's one of my favorites.
Why do you think anybody
would want to uproot
a mulberry tree and plant it in the sea?
How would they pick their mulberries?
Mm, there are some things in the Bible
that just do not make
a lick of sense to me.
Well, I live by the Bible, Sissy.
I don't need it to make sense.
Now I'm gonna need you on my
anti-equality calling committee.
The revival starts tomorrow,
and we gotta get the final word out.
They're comin' for our religious freedoms,
and good Christians are bein' persecuted.
By who?
Obama, Hillary Clinton,
five liberal judges,
and Miley Cyrus.
[Latrelle] Sissy!
Sissy!
Oh, Lord, Vera, I gotta go. It's Latrelle.
Sissy!
Sissy!
Well, you're just never gonna believe
what the church is doing, you just won't.
Vera told me...
They're havin' an anti-equality revival.
That's what they're callin'
it. It starts tomorrow.
I just met the new
preacher, Jimmy Ray Brewton.
He's handsome.
Very argumentative.
Well, you'd know all about that.
That's not always a bad thing.
Oh, wait a minute. I just hung up from Ty.
He and Kyle may be movin' to Dallas.
Kyle's got a big designer
job offer from Mitchell Gold,
Bob Williams, furniture
store, very upscale.
High end. Gorgeous.
Maybe you can get some free furniture.
Oh, the bigger news.
The boys are havin' twins.
Oh, twins.
I gotta tinkle.
What's wrong with my furniture?
[door closing]
LaVonda.
LaVonda.
This is Hardy. Hardy, this is LaVonda.
Hardy's new in town.
And who are you, the welcome wagon?
Are you two smokin' in the hospital?
Oh, yeah, we were smokin'.
[Noleta] I gotta go, I'm
gonna be late for work.
We're not done here, okay?
Okay, ow! [laughing]
Why don't anything good like
this ever happen to my life?
Did you see the size of his feet?
I sure did, come on.
So they both do their business
in a cup instead of a sock,
and it goes to some
science lab where it then
fertilizes some stray woman's eggs
that they choose from a book of donors.
Then the fertilized eggs
are put into the surrogate's
uterus, that will then carry the babies.
[laughing] Was very scientific.
Ew, Lordy, Lordy, the things
they can do these days.
They use this agency
called Growing Generations,
that did every thing,
put every thing together.
And that oldest Winkler girl just had her
fourth baby out of wedlock.
They could have just slipped her a 20 and
had a little white trash baby.
No, thank you.
I do not want a Winkler grandchild.
No tellin' what's
swimmin' in that gene pool.
Besides, they wanted their own.
And with today's technology, each one
can have their very own biological child.
Oh, one white one,
and one cute little mulatto.
Ew, I hope the mulatto one is a girl.
Halle Berry is so beautiful.
Sissy that word, "mulatto,"
it's no longer politically correct.
"Mixed" is preferred.
Mixed, huh?
Well, if you say so.
Mulatto sure has a prettier ring to it.
Lord, I cannot keep up.
Is African-American still right?
I believe so, only there are some
who don't care for that either.
Oh, I cannot wait to tell
mid-life crises Wilson
that he's gonna be a grandpa.
I am a Christian, Lord
But I'm a woman too
Finish Tammy, and then
I gotta get into Loretta.
Velcro, girl.
How to solve this shit.
[door closing]
Hello.
We're not open yet.
- You worthless pathetic freak.
- Aah!
You can kiss your precious Tammy goodbye.
'Cause it ain't a workin'.
No! Go away, Dr. Eve! [screaming]
[Billy Joe] Hello.
- No!
- You okay?
Oh, forgive my appearance.
I'm working on a transition
from Tammy into Loretta.
It's part of a skit I come up with.
For the big show, it's
Loretta, Tammy, Dolly,
We Three Queens of Opry Are.
How about you be a good little girl
and pour me a strong drink.
We ain't open yet.
Okay.
Well, hurry up, Roger's gonna kill me.
I'm gonna be late for work.
Little to the right, Wardell.
And those beautiful
princes, William and Harry,
were left motherless.
And I will never forgive
Camilla Parker Bowles.
Oh, who gives a shit, Juanita?
Queen Elizabeth.
Tragic, Juanita.
- Hey, G.W., Odell, hi, Wardell.
- Hi, Vonnie.
Are you all doin' all this for my mama?
Yep, and I'd like for
you to come tomorrow night
as my date, for old times' sake.
- I think I'd like that.
- Yeah.
I'm Earl. Folks just call me Brother Boy,
or Tammy Wynette.
I'm Billy Joe. Can I bum a smoke?
Why don't you light two at once.
[laughing] Sorry, they're kinda girly.
I'm bisexual, I'll
channel my feminine side.
Oh, bisexual, huh?
What?
Just wanted to pass and say howdy.
What's up?
Well, Mama's in the hospital,
either stomach cancer or ptomaine.
And she told me I'd never
get another man at my size.
Then right after she said that, I got laid
by a younger man, hot
as hell, with both legs
in a hospital bed.
Mama was wrong.
So what's up with you, G.W., stayin' busy?
52.09, 52.09, 52.09,
52.09, 52.09, 52.09,
52.09, 52.09 and 52.09.
Will there be anything else?
Uh-uh. No, ma'am, no, no, no.
For that, I can't even
afford to eat anymore.
Have you given any more thought to bein'
on my anti-equality calling committee?
Well...
Sissy, would you buy me this Baby Ruth?
I had a craving for somethin' sweet.
Well, hello, Latrelle.
I heard that your ex-husband
has been shackin' up
with a much, much younger
more beautiful woman
in your former mini-mansion that you lost
in the divorce over in St. Angelo.
How you holdin' up?
I'm fine, Vera, thank you.
Well, you've been on my prayer
list ever since your husband
ran off with that mulatto IHOP waitress.
Prayers mean so much.
"Mulatto" is no longer
politically correct, Vera.
They prefer "mixed" these days.
And I've been prayin' for
you, and your struggle with
obesity, and gluttony too.
You have faith, you can move a mountain.
[Leticia laughing]
Shut up, Leticia. Go dust
the sauce or you'll be
lookin' for a new trabajo.
[speaking Spanish]
I don't speak Mexican!
And I am not a glutton,
I have glandular problems.
Oh, Vera has struggled
so with her weight battle
ever since we were kids.
Dr. Oz says it's a disease,
just like bein' an alcoholic.
Well, then perhaps it's
time for you to get sober.
People don't like you, Latrelle.
Yes.
It's the one thing we have in common, Vera.
Come on, Sissy.
Oh!
[sighing] Bye.
I know what that teardrop tattoo means.
It means you been in the pokey.
Uh, damn, I needed that.
I've had a real bad day.
You know who I am?
Mm-mm.
Should I? You famous?
My precious, precious Tammy was famous.
It was her blessing and her curse.
Pills.
I'm just a lost soul roamin' the highways.
Uh, well, that's poetic.
You know I like the way you look.
Rough.
Rough trade.
Rough trade.
Yeah, I'm rough, all right.
You know why the call it the pokey?
Ah, that's nasty!
[chuckling] Yeah, but you might like
to get poked in the pokey.
[Earl] Oh, you shut up.
[laughing]
Be right back, forgot
somethin' in my truck.
I am a Christian, Lord,
but I'm a woman too.
Boom, boom, boom, boom
[tense music]
Hello?
Billy Joe?
What the hell's all this?
Well, hello, Marty. It's nice to be greeted
by such a ray of sunshine.
[laughing] Shut up.
Who the hell is Billy Joe?
My imaginary friend,
who watches me rehearse.
You are certifiable, when
the hell are you gonna learn?
This is not working, okay?
No-kay.
And if can't perform some new material,
and not the tired old shit
from the has-been dead,
and the has been almost dead,
then you leave me no choice
but to fire your prissy, untalented ass.
Loretta and Dolly are not almost dead,
and they're certainly not has-beens.
Tammy's the only one that's dead.
And she is not and certainly
will never be a has-been.
She's just gone.
She came to me, Marty.
I was chosen. I don't
think you're capable of even
understanding that kind of
commitment and obligation.
So why don't you just
sail on back to Singapore.
I'm Filipino, born in Cleveland.
When I was in the loony bin at Big Springs,
Tammy's ghost came to
me night after night...
- Shut the fuck up!
- Came for me!
I cannot hear that cockamamie bullshit
country legend ghost story again.
You were in a mental
institution for a reason, okay.
Case closed.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, Martina,
don't! [screaming]
No, no!
I am plannin' a little surprise visit.
I want Wilson to be filled with regret
the moment he sees me.
[Sissy] African-American, Asian, mixed.
Roger, I am so, so sorry that I'm late
but someone came up.
And it was hard for her to get away.
- [both laughing]
- [Latrelle] Hi, Noleta.
- Hi, Latrelle. Hey, Sissy.
- Hey, sug.
- [Roger] It's always somethin'.
- It was somethin', all right.
Well, I guess I missed
whatever the somethin' was.
Noleta, could you fix my French manicure?
Please, focus this time.
On it.
You've been missin' that somethin'
your entire life, Latrelle.
Alley cattin' has never
been my forte, unlike some.
Hell's bells, Latrelle,
my alley cattin' years
are a distant memory.
And there was only one ole cowboy that ever
did anything for me in the first place.
Shit, if it wasn't for my
rabbit, I'd never have another
fuckin' orgasm in my
fuckin' life! [laughing]
I'll buy you one for Christmas, Latrelle.
Why wait? My birthday's next month.
And this folks, is the perfect example
that people can change.
Sissy, you want a rabbit?
No ma'am, I do not like rodents.
[laughing]
Don't make me do Carrie Underwood.
Or Blake Shelton's
formerly fleshy ex-wife,
or that butch from Sugarland.
I can't do it, Marty,
I just can't! [crying]
You will if I say you will.
No, no, no, Dr. Eve! Get out of my head!
Stop, just go, go, go, go, go, no, no, go.
I'm not going anywhere. I'm your new boss,
the one who had no say in hiring you,
but can sure as shit fire you.
So, pop up with a new act,
or you can hang up your
tired, tattered heals.
Apologize to the lady.
Who are you? What are you doing in here?
Fuck you.
Excuse me, who the hell do
you think you're talking to?
I'm talkin' to you, bitch.
Now apologize to the lady,
or you have me to fuckin' deal with.
All right, you have 10
seconds to leave this bar
before I call the police
to have your dumb redneck,
white-trash ass arrested.
- All right then.
- [Marty screaming]
- Oh! Oh, my God!
- You can't kill him.
That's the escaped hitchhiker murderer.
- Oh!
- [gun firing]
No, no, don't shoot him. No, don't shoot.
You can't shoot him in the head.
[Billy Joe] You just shot at
the wrong person, ass wipe.
I got it, I got it, I got the gun.
- Hey, no, no, no, no, no.
- [Marty screaming]
Don't, don't, you'll
splatter blood on my costumes,
and I've worked so hard on 'em.
You gotta be shittin' me.
No, I'm not shitting you.
Blood and splattered brains is so messy.
Blood will not come outta chiffon.
- She's right about that.
- No!
I mean it, Billy Joe, don't you kill him.
All right, then.
This never happened.
'Cause if one call is made to the cops,
I will come back here and
slice you from your asshole
to your appetite, got it?
I do, this never happened.
You comin', or not?
Well, I guess so. Under the circumstances,
my options are rather limited.
Oh, Good Lord.
Oh, my God!
I wish you would look at old Vera!
I guess a life committed
to ridin' a scooter is
better than goin' on a diet.
You know, some people just
don't care about their health.
You know I've got a good
mind to go over there
and knock them off that
scooter and claw them to death
with that fuckin' hammer.
Roger, hun, you don't mean that.
Murder is never a good option.
I have just been beaten down
all my life by the Bible.
And at some point, there
are no more cheeks to turn
and no more fucks to give.
Billy Joe, run! Run fast!
That Singapore sling is evil.
She cannot be trusted.
[Billy Joe] Come on, come on, get in here.
She's not Southern. Help me, Ian!
[Billy Joe] God, jeez, what is all that?
[Earl] It's my stuff,
for my show, now let's go.
Goodbye,
Long-fucking-view, Texas.
Haul ass, Billy Joe!
Ladies, it's so good that
all of you are here together.
We really want you to come to our revival.
Vera, I cannot be on your
anti-equality calling committee.
Sissy, you don't believe
in equality, do you?
I most certainly do.
What's goin' on?
Sissy believes in equality now.
Well, then you don't believe the Bible,
and you're not right with your maker.
Jesus spoke to us, He said,
no service to the gays.
No cakes, no flowers, no photos,
and nobody to perform the weddings.
No gay marriage, ever, ever, ever.
Shh.
Jesus is speakin' to me
too, right here and now.
And the voice that I'm
hearin' is tellin' me...
What? What's he sayin'?
He's tellin' me...
that he never said dip to you.
And that you're a liar, and
a wolf in sheep's clothing.
A very large sheep.
Stop your fat-shaming, LaVonda!
This has nothin' to do
with what's on the outside,
but the awfulness inside
these two hypocrites.
What has gotten into you, Sissy?
You're hurtin' my feelings.
Love...
and compassion, wasn't
that Christ's real message?
And now I'm usin' my
heart, and the intelligence
the Good Lord give me to
figure things out for myself.
Well, I'm not.
I...I didn't say that right.
Oh, Vera, nothin' you say is right.
Come on, Latrelle, let's
head over to St. Angelo's
so we can tell your
asshole ex-husband off,
'cause I'm on a roll and whoo, [laughs]
you're ready!
Get outta my way!
Sinners!
Oh, Roger hun,
could you do a quick touch-up on my hair?
I wanna look my best for
the revival tomorrow night.
Get your bacon-eatin'
Baptist asses outta my shop.
And now that the Winter's
Hairport is closed,
and Lila Walker is no
longer the oldest living
beautician in the entire state of Texas,
because she is dead, who the
fuck's gonna do your hair?
Yeah, bitches, anti-equality
works both ways.
Now you get the hell outta
here before I beat you...
[women screaming]
Get out, get out, get out, now!
Get out, get out, now.
That's right, bitches, get out.
[laughing]
Whoa!
So, where you wanna go?
Dallas, to the Rose Room...
where opportunity is rampant.
We're gonna need some money.
I'll be right back, you stay put.
Don't move.
Will you get me a cold cola?
What kind?
Dr Pepper.
Oh, and some cigs. I'm down to my last 20,
I should have grabbed that stash of tips.
Keep it, don't need it.
Well, what a gentleman.
[doorbell ringing]
Ugh, what the hell do you want?
Hello, Greta.
I need to speak to Wilson.
Have you ever heard of
the telephone or email?
Have you ever heard of
age-appropriate dressing?
- [Sissy snickering]
- Whatever, bitch.
Wilson, your ex-wife Latree is here.
- Latrelle.
- [Greta laughing]
You know it's Latrelle.
[Earl] I'm about to bust my bladder.
Put all the fuckin'
money in the fuckin' bag.
That's right, don't you fuckin' move.
All the money in that fuckin'
bag, that's it right there.
Give me the fuckin' money or I'll shoot her
in the fucking face.
[Earl] I might have bit
off more than I can chew.
Get in the truck! Get in the truck!
Get in the goddamn truck!
Well, if I'd known you was
gonna commit armed robbery,
I would not have worn my kitten heels.
[Billy Joe] Come on.
[truck engine starting]
[gun firing]
What the hell do you want?
[sighing] Do you mind?
Whatever you wanna say in front of me,
you can say in front of my wife.
Wife?
Wife!
Right after my divorce
was final last month,
and we were both free
of our horrible pasts,
we had a simple private
ceremony in San Antonio
- with a mariachi band.
- [Wilson clicking tongue]
Mm, it was perfect for
our simple yet pure love.
Well, I, I didn't know.
Well, what'd you expect,
Latrelle? A wedding invitation?
[Wilson and Greta laughing]
You're gonna be a grandpa, Wilson.
What?
[Latrelle] Huh, Ty and Kyle's surrogate
is pregnant with twins.
I can explain how that
works if y'all need me to.
Works against God's nature is what it does.
Just as their relationship
and their lifestyle
works against God's will.
That's right. We believe
that God created Adam and Eve,
and not Adam and Steve,
and that marriage is
between a man and a woman.
Shouldn't that be between
a man, his first wife,
and then a couple of trashy waitresses?
Did she just call me trashy?
Well, if the hooker heel fits.
And I am a singer, not a waitress.
At the
Bowl-a-Rama.
Wilson, are you going to allow
her to talk to me like this?
Allow? Oh, honey,
he never had that kinda control over me.
Greta, hun, do y'all believe all the Bible?
This feels like a trick question.
We absolutely do.
We hate the sin, but we love the sinner.
Latrelle, we're gonna need some rocks.
Rocks?
Yes, hun, I hate to inform
you, but the Bible is
very clear on stonin' adulterers.
Covered in several passages.
So I guess me and
Latrelle are gonna have to
stone you and Wilson.
Ew, would right here in
the driveway be acceptable?
Sissy, would these bricks that I lined
this flower bed with, will they do?
Bullshit! Go on and get off my property.
You are gonna be a grandpa, Wilson.
Our gay son is gonna be a daddy.
And he will parent with
the gay man who he loves
and is legally married
to, so get used to it.
Stop being such a terrible father.
Get off the property.
Yeah, or I'm gonna call the police.
The property you stole from me?
Gladly. Come on, Sissy.
Nice to meet you, Greta.
I am real happy we
didn't have to stone you.
Wilson.
Good job, Latrelle.
I felt it went well.
Um, yeah.
[moaning] Give it to me, daddy.
[laughing]
What?
I'm sorry, I think we have to come up with
a better way to talk dirty.
I don't think we can use
daddy like that anymore.
Right. [sighing]
Wow.
Um, man, we're gonna be daddies, Ty.
We are gonna be the best damn daddies
God ever put on this Earth.
[sighing]
Unlike mine.
Hey, bringin' us down.
Literally.
[Ty sighing]
Talk dirty, baby.
Give me that BBC my, um...
hot, black man?
[both laughing]
Hurry up, I don't want
Aunt Little Neecy to see me.
She's become attached.
Did you miss me?
Well, kinda.
I'm not wearin' any underwear.
[Noleta gasping]
[clearing throat] Your mama.
Oh, right, tests pending
are no longer pending.
Well, if it's bad news you come back here
and I will comfort you.
But if it's good news, you come back here
and we'll celebrate.
- Win-win.
- Yeah.
How the fuck is this happenin' to you?
Trash!
[truck horn honking]
We just need to hang
out here a couple hours,
until it gets dark.
Get a little sleep, let things cool down,
then we'll take a back
road on up to Dallas.
[laughing] Life of crime is so exciting.
I love bein' on the lamb with you.
Well, there, one bed.
[Noleta] I am so glad it
was ptomaine and not cancer!
[Hardy muffled]
Oh, yes, he does! Oh,
give glory! Give glory!
Hallelujah!
Oh, Jesus!
[screaming]
Oh, whoo, we win, win, win,
hold one, one more, one... whee!
- [Noleta] Jesus, oh, win, win!
- Huh?
Noleta?
[Noleta] Win, win, win, win.
Kinda looks like a bald, naked Jesus if
Jesus had tattoos, which he did not.
You don't have a snowball's
chance in hell with this one,
- you little monkey freak.
- Go away.
No, even prison trash is above you.
You do my masturbation
exercises, look at these.
No, I'll masturbate,
but I won't think of you
and those cow-dung titties.
I'm gonna think about Billy Joe Dobson,
the hitchhiker murderer.
You'll think of me if I say you will.
No, go away! No!
No!
Who the hell are you talkin' to?
You.
Huh, just a silly way of wakin' you up.
Beats the hell out of "rise and shine,"
give God the glory, glory.
Dude, you are fuckin' crazy.
And I like crazy.
Wonder which one is the mixed twin.
[slow, sorrowful music]
[Latrelle sighing]
[telephone ringing]
[Ty] Hi, Mama.
Ty, I need you to come home.
Winters needs you.
Why don't you scare me?
I think my killin' days are over.
Maybe you can sense that.
Well, it works in my favor.
Come over here by me.
[sighing] You mind?
No, uh-uh, I don't mind.
[sighing] The killin'
was all connected to sex.
I'm attracted to women and
men, just about everything.
Except farm animals.
But, my attraction is only for dead people.
Besides, I can't get this
monster dick of mine up no more.
Them days are over.
- Monster?
- Mm.
Where does it end?
[Billy Joe laughing]
You might be a killer,
but you ain't a liar.
I don't wanna be that:
a killer.
I take full responsibility,
but I had a childhood that was
like a goddamn horror movie.
Can't go there.
It was just somethin', the
killin', I couldn't control.
I tried...
so hard.
My kind ain't too popular in the big house.
Some inmates cut my nuts off.
Cut your nuts off?
Yep.
Them guards just stood back and laughed,
I almost bled to death.
If it hadn't been for
this big old black queer
named Ribeye, I would've.
Maybe that's why I like you.
You kinda remind me of old Ribeye.
Oh, you've lost me.
Well,
he was real, real sissy.
Almost a woman.
Oh, yeah, well, that makes complete sense.
But Ribeye saved my life.
Sewed my nut sack shut.
Hurt like a motherfucker.
He nursed me back to
health real tender-like.
[sighing] Felt more love
than I'd ever felt in my life.
Didn't want sex.
Nothing.
It was just love.
But then Ribeye met his maker.
Got into some bad drug shit
and was stabbed right in front of me.
Everybody I ever love just leaves.
I'm scared to die.
'Cause I know with all
I done here on this Earth
I don't have no chance of goin' to heaven.
I will be burnin' in that
lake of fire for eternity.
I'm bound for hell.
So, that's why I escaped.
'Cause they was suppose
to execute me in a few days
and I was scared shitless.
So, I guess...
in a way,
losin' my nuts was the best thing
that could have happened to me, and you.
'Cause if I still had my
nuts, I'd have killed you,
then we'd have sex,
which you couldn't enjoy
'cause you would be dead, but then...
I'd certainly be attracted to you.
Well, thank you.
Sure makes me feel better about myself.
Dear sweet Jesus, this is
the strangest conversation
I have ever had in my
entire life. [laughing]
What?
For Ribeye.
[TV Announcer] In other news
now, Texas Attorney General
Ken Paxton is telling county
officials they can deny
- marriage licenses...
- Sore losers if you ask me.
[TV Announcer] ...to same-sex
couples, if it conflicts
- with their religious beliefs.
- Why'd you take down
all my pictures of your mama?
Wardell wants me to
bring some over to Bubba's
- for Mama's memorial service.
- Ah.
[TV Announcer] And breaking
news just in to our news room.
The hitchhiker murderer,
Billy Joe Dobson,
is still on the loose.
But he was spotted today
during what appears to be
the kidnapping of an elderly woman.
You know that hostage
looks vaguely familiar.
[TV Announcer] If you know
this woman, or have...
Well, this is it.
I'm gonna miss you.
Yeah, I'm...
well, okay.
Get out.
You deserved a better life.
You're gonna need this.
Plenty more where that came from.
Thank you, Billy Joe.
I learned something very
valuable from meeting you.
What's that?
Never judge a serial killer.
[slow, sorrowful music]
Bye-bye.
[door creaking open]
Still takin' away keys
and drivin' all the drunks home, huh?
Keeps me in business.
You're a good man, Wardell.
Well, hell. [laughing]
"Amateur drag competition, the Rose Room."
It's a sign.
So now you're an accomplice to a crime.
And in a big, strange city.
- You're not here.
- [laughing]
You don't belong here.
You don't belong anywhere, faggot.
You don't belong here.
You store-bought,
big-tittied,
old alcoholic
homo-hatin',
pill-poppin', bitch.
[laughing]
You go away, forever!
[dramatic, eerie music]
Ding-dong, the bitch is dead.
[upbeat music plays]
You're movin' closer now
All I can say is
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ah, ah, ah
Ooh, ooh, ooh...
Amateur drag competition.
I ain't an amateur, but
you gotta start somewhere.
You movin' in?
No, I'm not movin' in, I just wanted...
choices for the competition.
Oh, your Andrew Christians
are, ooh, not real Christian.
[screams] The Rose Room!
I'm just... I'm overwhelmed.
- Do you need a shot of courage?
- Yeah, I'm nervous.
Girl, I love this dress,
and this one is divine.
Now I made 'em myself.
Shut the fuck up.
You're gonna be fabulous, baby.
Well, thank you.
Grandmother, did they
let you out of the home?
Krystal, sign up Angie Dickinson here.
Don't pay any attention
to Cassie, she's bipolar.
I think you're kinda precious.
Well, I'm not Angie Dickinson.
I am Tammy Wynette.
More like Tammy Why-not.
Ooh, the big red one is delicious.
Wait till you hear this audience.
[burps]
Time to celebrate my baby's new job!
Oh, God, this is where I learned to be gay.
Under what table?
- All of 'em.
- [laughing]
[Announcer] Ladies and gentleman,
please make welcome to the stage,
Cassie Nova!
[audience applauding]
Hey, you crazy motherfuckers,
welcome, welcome, welcome
to the amateur show here at
the Rose Room and dance floor.
Can we talk about how gay
this motherfucker looks?
I'm in a freakin' dress
and he is gayer than I am.
And he's wearin' more makeup.
Stoli cran and one mint, please.
How you doin'?
Oh, no, other side.
[audience laughing]
He slapped his ass, I
don't care about his ass.
Or his face.
[audience applauding]
Now tonight, we are
being sponsored by Stoli,
so lift your glasses with
me in the name of the Lord
and all that is holy, cheers to queers.
[LaVonda] Oh, Lord, look how young I was.
Yeah, that was about the time that I...
kissed the most beautiful
gal I'd ever seen.
Down by the old cow pond.
I was barely 16.
Yeah.
Oh, and that's not all we
did down by the cow pond
if I remember correctly.
Ah, young love. Nothin' like it.
Well, maybe there is, Vonnie.
'Cause you're still the most beautiful gal
I've ever laid eyes on.
[slow country music playing]
I never stopped loving you, Vonnie.
I never stopped loving you, Wardell.
Ladies and gentlemen,
y'all make some noise for
the gorgeous Krystal Feather.
[audience applauding]
Great job, girl. Great job.
You see, this is the goal,
queens. This is the goal.
All right you all, for
this next entertainer,
I want y'all to keep y'all's
expectations real low.
'Cause this next old country
queen, is short as fuck.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Tammy Whynot.
[audience laughing and applauding]
It's Wynette, run and
tell her, Tammy Wynette.
[man in audience] Drink up, girl.
["Womanhood" by Tammy Wynette playing]
He said "Hold on Patricia"
I only tried to kiss you
She said, "Okay," but then
said, "Don't you dare"
She seems so badly shakin'
Bless her heart.
He thought he was mistaken
But it sure looked like She
bowed her head in prayer
[audience laughing]
That's my hair. I can't
perform without my hair on.
But I'm a woman too
If you are listenin', Lord
Please show me what to do
I've tried hard To be what...
I think that's my Uncle Brother Boy.
[audience laughing]
I don't think she's gonna win.
[audience laughing and applauding]
[crying]
Thank you
George Jones drank to calm his nerves.
It did not work for me.
Excuse me, but...
I am so sorry you all had
to witness this catastrophe.
I got up stage and I just bunched up.
My throat, I just... I couldn't. I froze.
I think you're my Uncle Brother Boy.
You're Latrelle's boy.
[Ty] I am.
Ty.
This is my husband, Kyle.
Your husband?
I just wanna kiss you on the cheek, both.
[Kyle] Love those nails.
Oh, they'd look good with your color.
I mean...
[all laughing]
Do you live here?
I hitchhiked up here from Longview.
It's just a really long story.
I'm, um... everything I own is in a sack.
All my possessions, my worldly
possessions, are in a sack.
We're headed back to
Winters Uncle Brother Boy.
Do you want to come home with us?
Hell, no. I ain't been home since I saw you
last time at Mama's funeral.
That was almost a bigger
disaster than tonight.
I think you should reconsider.
It's time we all be a family again.
Are you washed In the blood
In the soul cleansing
Blood of the lamb?
Are your garments Spotless and...?
Speakin' of garments, a walk of shame.
You hussy.
Guilty. [laughing]
Where have you been all night?
Oh, Sissy, me and
Wardell got back together.
Oh!
I'm so happy for you.
Ah!
- Oh!
- [doorbell ringing]
Well, who in the world?
Are you expectin' anybody?
- Ty, oh, heavens to Betsy!
- Aunt Sissy!
Oh, you must be Kyle. Welcome to Winters.
It's a pleasure to be here.
And look who we found just wanderin'
the streets of Dallas.
[Sissy and LaVonda yelling]
[exclaims] Oh! Hi, Brother Boy, oh.
Come on, I finally made it.
Everybody come on in, come on.
[excited talking]
Come on in, Ty.
I'm gonna go on in
and finish gettin' some breakfast
- Ooh, shh, shh!
- We are interrupting regular
programming for this special
report and update now
on the hitchhiker murderer.
Billy Joe Dobson is dead.
- Good.
- Killed during a shootout
with police and after
a dramatic car chase
through Dallas late last night.
Take a close look here.
This elderly woman
- is believed to be...
- Elderly?
the hitchhiker
murderer's final victim.
Police are currently
looking for her body.
We will keep you updated
as we learn more.
The fallen angel has returned to heaven.
Yes, she has.
That poor old woman.
Wonder why she's hitchhiking at her age.
[Latrelle] Sissy!
Sissy!
Ty, you made it.
We did. We made it, Mama.
Ah, and Kyle.
Oh, well, got everything planned.
It's all mapped out.
All right, well, let's discuss
everything over breakfast,
I got plenty. It's almost ready
and nobody likes cold biscuits.
[Ty] Look who we brought.
Brother Boy.
You look very pretty.
I missed you.
Do I know you?
Well, I guess I deserved
that but, I'm tryin'.
Oh, she's still a bitch,
but it's just not non-stop anymore.
Do you mind?
Come on, boys.
[sighing] Brother Boy, I's awful to you
for years, and I'm just so...
No, honey, you don't have to do this.
No, no, I do, I need to.
I'm sorry,
it's just that so much has changed.
Is changin'.
Guess it just took me awhile.
Awhile?
Too long, okay? I wanna
make up for lost time.
Can we?
Can we go back to the way
it was when we were little?
We used to play dress-up together.
Well, what size dress are you?
Oh, I love you.
I love you.
I love you too, Latrelle. Good Lord.
That's good.
Thank you, Ty. Y'all
just sit down anywhere.
Now you did some remodelin'.
I did, now I can watch my shows
while I'm eatin' and cookin'.
Oh, he is black.
[laughing]
I prefer hot chocolate mocha.
Then tea, of course.
Has hot chocolate mocha
replaced African-American?
No, I'm just bein' silly.
And I'm a guessing this
pretty lady must be Noleta.
Why, hey, thank you, yes, Noleta.
I'm white, can't even tan,
and I'm in love too, I think.
But it's not the gay love. Can't go there.
Sometimes I think it'd be
easier, less complicated,
but I am attracted to black men.
Ow, uh, African-American
men. That's right too.
"Black" works. I've never been African.
Well, I sure am excited about your
one white and one mixed twin.
Uh, we prefer biracial.
Biracial. Oh, Lord, I cannot keep up.
Oh, girl, you been busy.
I try, do my best.
And that's what matters.
I believe the intention is
more important than the words.
All good to know, but
we gotta get organized
for the anti-equality revival tonight.
We gotta get busy,
because shit is about to hit the fan.
[woman] Would you lead us
in an open word of prayer?
Well, of course, ladies.
Let the church house be packed
to the rafters, oh, Lord.
Yes, Lord.
Let sinners come in that front door.
What's goin' on here?
Juanita, hun, we're right
in the middle of our final
anti-equality committee meeting.
That doesn't sound right.
Well, it is.
Now we would just love
for you to join us tonight,
if you would.
I have a conflict.
There's somethin' goin' on
real important over at that
bar that I sometimes frequent
uh, called, uh, I forget.
Bubba's?
That would be the one.
Might as well be called
the den of inequity.
I think that one's over in New Orleans.
Hey, big'un, a pack of my
cigarettes and these Cheetos.
The name is Vera. Vera Lisso, not big'un.
We've been through this
a few hundred times.
Big'un suits you better.
The bass people make a
cheese out of raw milk
that is aged in a cave
for four or five months.
How do you know that, Juanita?
I forget.
Keep the change, big'un.
It's two pennies.
All yours.
And it's ripened with mold,
and they scrape the mold
off before you eat it.
And that's where the bass people lost me.
The gates are down, and
the lights are flashing,
but the train is not coming.
Will the circle be unbroken?
By and by, Lord By and by
Hurry up, Latrelle,
they've already started.
All the waitin' In the sky Lord
Come on, Noleta.
Is it straight?
Yes, now behave yourself.
By and by, Lord
By and by
Look who's here.
There's a better
Home awaiting
In the sky, Lord
In the sky
Yes, brothers and sisters,
let's keep our circle
from being broken by
sodomite sinners, amen.
Yes, and please forgive
our appearance today,
because Roger, an avowed
homosexual, has decided
not to fix anybody's hair who
believes in this good book.
Amen.
[phone vibrates]
[Mrs. Barnes] Are y'all ready for some
good old-fashioned preachin'?
[Crowd] Amen.
Please welcome to Southside
Baptist our new pastor,
Jimmy Ray Brewton.
[audience applauding]
Roger?
Ty?
Roger, this is my husband, Kyle.
Nice to meet you, Roger.
And you. Lord, these
people are not gonna know
whether to be racist or homophobic.
Did I miss anything?
Nothin' you haven't heard a
hundred million times before.
But that preacher is hot as fuck.
Thou shalt not lie with
mankind as with womankind.
It is an abomination.
- Amen.
- Amen, brother.
You know, Satan was the
first to ask for equal rights.
Yeah, that's right.
Flip over to Isaiah 14:14,
where Lucifer proclaims,
"I will be like the most high."
Wanted to be equal with God.
But Satan never got his
equal rights, did he?
No, no, he fell down to the bowels of hell.
Just like the gays will.
I used to love this church.
You know they're not all like this anymore.
You can't swing a cat in this town
without hittin' a bigot.
I remember, but you know,
hearts and minds are changin'.
But, hey, these bigots actually
inspired me to do what I do.
I work for Faith in America,
and we try to help people
work through the damage,
and to prove to them that
God includes us too.
They question the creation,
you question the creator.
Lots of affirmin' churches
poppin' up everywhere.
My mama's the pastor
of one over in Phoenix.
Lucky you.
You put a face on gay, Roger.
When I was a little boy, I used to sit and
watch Roger do Mama, and Aunt
LaVonda, and Aunt Sissy's hair,
and I used to pretend that
I was Roger from Avila.
I ratted my doll Suzy Q's
hair until she was bald.
You inspired me to accept all of me, so...
thank you.
You don't know what that means to me.
[cell phone vibrates]
Oh, we better get in there.
Mama's about to explode.
Are you comin'?
Oh, hell no. I can hear the
hate just fine from out here.
[Jimmy Ray] Always the
best option for our lives.
- [audience applauding]
- Thank y'all.
Oh, that was my mama's favorite hymn.
Oh, that was just beautiful, Wardell.
You know, Vonnie, last night
was really special for me.
Me too.
That's it.
[LaVonda] D.W., don't
you even think about it.
- Hey, you son of a bitch!
- What the hell?
Oh, hi, G.W., I didn't
see you standing there.
Get your goddamn white
trash hands off a her.
You're the white trash and
you have no claim to me.
Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E became
final 17 years ago.
Oh, for crying out loud!
Wardell, do somethin'. They're
ruinin' my mama's tribute.
They're fightin' over me, LaVonda.
Oh, they're fightin' over me.
Oh, you're goin' down, asshole.
It's on you son of a bitch.
Go on, knock his teeth out, G.W.
Now.
[G.W. grunting]
- Not a damn thing.
- Come on, kick his ass!
[grunting]
[G.W. yelling]
[G.W.] I lost my leg!
I got you. Come here, come here.
Gotta get that pyromaniac
tramp with my leg.
She ain't no tramp. Give me
back my crutches right now.
You give me back...
[gun firing]
Y'all ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
We are tryin' to honor the
life of a good woman here today,
and y'all are ruinin' it!
Noleta you came in here
just seekin' trouble.
Now you get outta my
bar, get yourself a room
at the Galaxy Motel.
And G.W., stop this damn nonsense.
You forfeited every right you
had in your marriage to Noleta.
Peggy was the one you really loved, buddy.
You loved Peggy.
I know. [crying]
Now let's show her that tonight, huh?
Okay.
I'm sorry, Wardell.
LaVonda, Hardy will give me a ride home.
I'm sure he will.
Now put your leg back on.
You see, the Supreme Court
is not the supreme being.
And I thank the Good Lord for Texas.
And I talked to Gail Wade,
our county clerk, today,
and Tinky Walker, our Justice of the Peace,
who's sittin' right back
there, y'all stand up.
Good Christian warriors.
They have assured me
that exercising their religious freedom
will no longer allow same-sex couples
to get married in Runnels County.
And you know what that means.
Gays can't get married in the church.
[audience member] Whoo-hoo!
Gays can't get married in the courthouse.
No place to get married,
nobody to marry them.
We have shut out the
sodomites, those pedophiles
will no longer persecute
good God-fearing Christians.
And tonight I proclaim that Runnels County
be a sanctuary county,
free of gay marriage,
we have stopped equality.
Oh, no, you haven't.
Sister, do you have somethin' to say?
Oh, yes, brother. I have plenty to say.
Well, all right, let's hear
what the good sister has to say.
Come on, Sissy, grab your Bible.
I got it.
My son is gay.
And, um, my sweet Aunt Sissy here
has been doin' research on his behalf.
Read the Bible from cover to cover.
Sissy, what does Jesus
say about homosexuality?
Not one blessed word.
- That is not true.
- Yes, it is.
First Corinthians.
That was Paul, not Jesus.
If you have a degree in
theology, get it right.
Jesus said nothing.
Nothing.
Do you believe in all the Bible?
- Of course we do.
- [audience affirming]
Then why do you eat bacon?
Deuteronomy 14:8.
"And the swine, it is unclean unto you.
You shall not eat their flesh."
The Bible says to all of us who eat bacon
and pig's feet,
and pork chops,
and Dorito sausage casserole,
that eatin' pork is wrong.
But bacon is good, and we eat it 'cause
this scripture don't make a lick of sense.
That's the Old Testament,
Jesus gave us the new law.
That includes me gettin' to eat bacon.
Yet Vera, you were the first to scream amen
when the pastor read
from the Old Testament,
"Thou shalt not lie with
mankind as with womankind,
it is an abomination."
I've never lied with a woman once
the way I lie with you, babe.
- Stop.
- And the New Testament
certainly tells women to be silent.
And Vera, Mrs. Barnes,
Hortense,
y'all never shut up.
And Tinky, Gail,
y'all issued three of
my five wedding licenses,
and adultery is riddled
all over both testaments,
and says that adulterers
should be stoned to death.
I demand that you sit down right now
and stop hijackin' this
service with your own agenda,
in support for this
deviant, perverted behavior.
I am not done.
And unless you want a
scene that involves kickin'
and screamin' and scratchin'
and clawin' out some
eyeballs, and takin' that Bible
and beatin' you with it the
way you beat people with it,
then I would advise you
to back off and regroup
until I am done.
[Kyle] Go, Latrelle.
Latrelle's not normally this violent
but you have set her off, so just...
Sissy, please read the scripture
that I have chosen for my sermon.
"John 4:7.
"Dear friends,
let us love one another."
That's all.
Simple.
Just love.
Says it all, doesn't it?
My son Ty...
and his husband, Kyle,
have now gotten married in
every state except Texas.
Gay activists, they're called. They did it
as a publicity thing for Ty's
job, which helps the gays.
And we taught our son to
fight for what is right.
And I'm ashamed to say
that I always found a reason
not to attend their
weddings. And I'm sorry, Ty.
Kyle, truly sorry.
I guess because, deep down,
just went against
everything that I's taught,
right here in Southside Baptist.
But then somethin' happened
that changed my heart.
Ty and Kyle,
they're gonna be daddies.
And you, Reverend Brewton,
just preached that gays
should not be parents,
that they are pedophiles.
That is the truth.
Liar! It is so far from it.
I know my boy. He is not that.
He is not capable.
He has a good heart, pure.
And you know him too.
And I know you love him.
All those sermons like this one tonight,
callin' my beautiful son
and his beautiful husband
pedophiles, abominations,
sinners, well,
those sermons are wrong.
I preach the word of God.
No, you cherry-pick
what serves your agenda.
Sissy has proven that tonight.
And we must stop
villainizing our own children.
Tellin' them that they are
not worthy of God's love,
because they are.
Just as they are.
And right now, just down
the street at Bubba's bar,
they are celebratin' the life of my mama...
who did not die from a tumor
that was pressin' against
the sexual part of her brain. I lied, okay?
A real sin, to cover up the truth.
But no more cover-ups.
My son...
is gay.
And I am proud of him.
All of him.
And so I would like to turn
my mama's celebration of life
into a celebration of love,
and end this hateful night
led by this hateful person.
So, I invite all of you to come with me and
with my Aunt Sissy, and
with my son and son-in-law,
and my brother, Brother Boy.
Well, I guess y'all didn't
think I was gonna make it,
did you, bigots?
Come on, Latrelle, I got a show to do.
["Womanhood" by Tammy Wynette playing]
[Latrelle and Sissy whispering]
[Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, please help me
welcome to the stage the
first lady of country music,
Miss Tammy Wynette.
He said "Hold on, Patricia"
I only tried to kiss you
She said, "Okay," but
then Said, "Don't you dare"
She seems so badly shaken
He thought he was mistaken
But it sure looked like
She bowed her head in prayer
Hey, Vonnie, I gotta get back to the bar.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
- See you, sweetie.
But I'm a woman too
If you are listenin', Lord
Please show me what to do
I'm tryin' hard to be
What Mama says is good
As I slip into My womanhood
[Sissy] What's he doin'?
Oh, it's his new act. It's called
"We Three Queens of Opry Are."
I gotta get these boots off.
[sighing] Fix my wig.
Is he... is he bringin' back Loretta?
He sure is. Sing it Loretta, whoo!
Big cabbage.
[audience applauding]
Sissy Spacek, eat your heart out.
You've come to Tell me something
- Thank you, Loretta.
- You say I ought to know
[Sissy] Oh, this brings
back memories, don't it?
And I'll have to let it go
You say you're Gonna take him
I want you to meet my wife.
And I would like you to meet my husband.
I'm Kyle.
Hello, Kyle.
Women like you
They're a dime a dozen
You can buy them anywhere
For you to get to him
I'd have to move over
And I'm gonna Stand right here
It'll be over my dead body
So get out while you can
'Cause you ain't woman
Enough to take my man
Ah, great...
[crowd applauding]
If I had these titties, I'd rule the world.
Is that who I think it is?
Yes, yes, it's Dolly! [laughing]
Look at them titties! Oh, my word!
Now a man will Take a good girl
And he'll ruin Her reputation
But when he wants to marry
Well, that's a Different situation
He'll just walk Off and leave her
To do the best she can
While he looks For an angel
I am so confused.
To wear his wedding band
Now I know that I'm no angel
If that's what you
thought you'd found
Latrelle, Latrelle, come here.
I was just The victim of...
Latrelle, Latrelle, come here.
[woman] Get me one.
Tip him, put it down his
bosom. Come on, come on.
Take that dollar, put it down his bosom.
Oh, now get off.
My mistakes are No worse than yours
Just because I'm a woman
Now my mistakes are
No worse than yours
Just because I'm a woman
[audience applauding and cheering]
[Earl yelling excitedly]
You were so great. Mwah, mwah.
[Sissy yelling]
You were amazing.
- Look at them titties.
- I'm amazed.
- Really?
- Really.
Just amazing.
[gentle, uplifting piano music]
Oh, my.
Real good.
I don't wanna steal the bride's thunder.
Is my hair too big?
Too big? What does that even mean?
Oh!
Oh, stop that!
But not anytime soon.
[imitating purring]
I feel like Big Bird.
I think this one can be repeated.
What is she doing?
Looks like she's taken it upon herself
to be the flower girl.
[Latrelle] Oh, she's ruining the wedding.
[gasps]
What are you doing?
Seriously.
Scoot over, sug.
[Roger] Ah, what the fuck?
The royal family is falling
apart because of inbreeding.
["Bridal Chorus" playing]
Stand.
Oh, pinch me, so I'll know
this is really happening.
Ouch!
Yeah, it's really happening.
You found love, Bubba.
Yeah.
[sighing]
[choking up]
Surprise, everybody. It's
gonna be a double wedding.
Runnels County is now a sanctuary of love,
and we are havin' our first gay wedding.
[audience applauding]
Fuck yeah!
["Bridal Chorus" playing]
Is everybody here white?
Yes, Mama. Please.
Well,
we are here to celebrate love.
Now, who in their right
mind would have ever thought
that we could have such a beautiful wedding
for such wonderful couples right here,
in the state of Texas?
Amen?
[Audience] Amen.
First Corinthians 13 says,
"Love is patient."
And I think that scripture
fits these two couples.
How can anybody look upon
these units and question love?
If you are here, and you can't see the love
that's goin' on in here,
somethin's wrong with you. Amen.
- [Audience] Amen.
- Amen.
- [Audience] Amen.
- Amen.
I don't say "do not speak."
I don't say, "forever hold your peace."
I say get up,
get your ass out of here.
[laughs] Mama...
You need to leave. You
need to go now. Get out!
Now I think we're all
right. Everybody's good here.
That's not to say there
are not assholes out there.
- I warned 'em.
- No, they're there.
Hey, this is my kind of preachin'.
But it's the truth, it's the truth.
Bigots, folks who wanna tell
you how to live your lives.
But I want you son, to live your life
with the beautiful man you love.
And I want the two of you...
what's your name again, girl?
- LaVonda.
- LaVonda.
That's a very black name.
And what's your name?
I'm Wardell.
Two of 'em, thank you.
And the two of you, we want you to live
in the love that you've
been holdin' for each other
for such a long time. It's manifesting.
Because love is here.
'Cause it's nobody's business,
tellin' you who to love.
How to love, nobody.
I wanna welcome you, Ty,
and you and your crazy kind of family,
I love 'em but they're a little different.
- Yeah.
- They're a little different.
But you know what?
We're celebratin' differences.
We gonna celebrate the differences,
'cause that's what life is.
That's what love is.
Now, who wants to go first
when it comes to the vows?
Well, since this is our 50th time,
I think we'll just make ours
short and sweet. [laughing]
In my home state of Texas,
I take you, Kyle Coleman,
to be my lawfully wedded husband, again.
Ditto.
All right, all right.
Princess Diana would approve.
LaVonda and Wardell.
Wardell, do you take LaVonda
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
- Look at him grinnin'.
- Yeah.
And Miss LaVonda, do you...?
You could just skip
all that other bullshit.
Mm-hm.
'Cause I do too. [laughing]
Darn that, by the powers
vested in me, I pronounce you
husband and husband, and husband and wife.
You may kiss your respective loved ones.
[audience applauding and cheering]
- Yes!
- [audience member] Amen.
Can y'all fuckin' believe it?
[stammers]
Ain't it a bitch
Sortin' out our Sordid lives
It's a bitch
When you come to realize
Get yourself a box
Of Cracker Jacks
And then you get a
Really shitty prize
It's a bitch
Sortin' out Our sorry little
Sordid lives
[laughing]
["Weathered Town" playing]
Moving past the signpost
Of this tiny Weathered town
The tears welled
up So high inside
I thought that I might drown
Everything is different
But it all looks the same
And now you're
here Beside me
And I'm rid of All my shame
I just hope that
They will see
What has always been in me
How much do I love you?
Will they understand
Everything it took for us
To get those wedding bands?
The road ain't Always pretty
And home sometimes Seems far
With twists and turns
And lessons learned
Growing pains and scars
But it's time For me to say
This is who we are
When I was a small boy
I never thought there'd be
That perfect happy ending
For anyone like me
I could read the signals
The fake smiles and
The bless his heart's
And I still hear
The whispered words
That said I'd
Never be a part
Now I want them all to see
The strength of you and me
How much do I love you?
Will they understand
Everything it means for us
To have those Wedding bands?
The road ain't Always pretty
And home sometimes Seems far
With twists and turns
And lessons learned
Growing pains and scars
But it's time For me to say
This is who we are
The day I stood before
You and I made that vow
It wasn't just a promise
For the here and now
The rings are just the
Start of all that we can be
And I want the world to see
Because
That's how much
I love you...
What'd I miss?