1
You never blow your whistle!
Blow, asshole!
I can see it from here. Blow!
Jesus!
Come on! Come on!
Yes!
Why did you blow?
Why is it disallowed?
What?
Fine.
- You look just like her.
- Really, honey?
- It isn't too much?
- No! It's fucking dope.
I'm gonna burn your tongue
in the curling iron. Watch your mouth!
Come on, Madrid!
What are you dribbling for?
Asshole!
Pass it!
Pass it!
How does it look?
Bad, bad, bad.
Barcelona is all over us.
Foul him! Do something!
Beer!
Penalty!
That was a clear foul!
- Dad.
- That's a penalty!
- Dad!
- Fucking asshole!
- Dad!
- What?
We're not gonna make it, Carlos.
Sure, we've got plenty of time.
Come on, hup two!
I,
Fernando,
...take you, Isabel,
...to be my wife.
I give myself to you,
and I promise to be faithful,
...through good times and bad,
Your tie!
In sickness and in health,
every day of my life,
...until death do us part.
I, Isabel,
...take you, Fernando,
...to be my husband...
I give myself to you...
...and I promise to be faithful...
...in sickness and in health,
...every day of my life...
...until death do us part.
If anyone here present
objects to this union,
...speak now or forever hold your peace.
In the name of our Lord,
I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
No!
No what?
No...
What happened?
Fuck!
I knew it!
Goal for Barcelona!
You're beyond repair.
What kind of moron does that?
Setting a wedding date
on the day of the Cup Final!
My nephew planned it a year ago.
He didn't know.
Everyone knows that!
Come here!
- What was the score?
- 0-1.
- Who scored?
- The midget.
Messi! Jesus Fucking Christ!
- Where's the rice?
- What rice?
The rice!
I called earlier and
your husband said you'd bring it.
Tell me that's not true,
Carlos...
Long live the bride and groom!
OK, everyone eyes over here.
Squeeze in on the end there.
Listen up!
Cousin Carmen!
- Hello, Pepe.
- Beautiful! Just like Madonna.
What's that about Maradona, jerkoff?
Busting my balls over Bara?
Douchebag! I'll kick your ass!
Watch it!
Time for the picture.
Everyone, say "cheese!"
Cheese!
- This time with feeling!
- Cheese!
Carlos, Carlos!
Let's dance?
Look! That skirt is so short,
her ass is hanging out.
For Christ's sake.
She's at that age.
Ladies and gentlemen,
...tonight it is my pleasure to introduce...
...a hypnosis show
like no other in the world...
...that will open a door to the beyond,
...to the fourth dimension.
I give you,
...the one and only...
Peter Strauss.
- Could he get any dumber?
- Carlos, please!
Good evening. Welcome.
Congratulations to the bride and groom.
Thank you.
For my first act of hypnosis
this evening,
I'll need the help of a volunteer.
Is there a volunteer in the audience?
Just one.
Don't all stand up at once.
Not you, Mom.
They'll think it's faked.
It's alright.
Any other volunteer?
No round of applause
for the volunteer?
Welcome.
Can you please tell us your name?
Cut the crap, Peter Strauss.
OK, "Mr. Cut-the-crap", please...
...take a seat.
Keep a close eye on my hand
and focus on my finger.
Gradually, you'll start to feel
your eyelids getting heavy.
Your eyes feel heavy.
You're getting very, very sleepy.
One...
...two...
...three...
Sleep.
You start going down
an endless escalator...
...which will take you
to the depths of your own mind.
Ten... nine...
...eight... seven...
...deeper...
...six... five...
...four... three...
...deeper and deeper...
...two...
...one...
...zero.
The lights come on
and you're in a white world.
Endless and white.
Good. You're now under my control.
When I say the word "Abracadabra",
...you will open your eyes
and do everything I tell you.
I am your master.
Abracadabra.
Abracadabra!
Stand up.
Take two steps.
Eat this delicious apple.
Eat my dick!
What a dope!
You took it too far.
No, it's fine.
Sadly, tiny brains
like "Mr. Cut-the-crap's..."
...don't allow themselves
to be hypnotized.
The show must go on,
...so I need another volunteer.
Any volunteer?
How do you turn it off?
Quit clicking around, Carlos!
Any other volunteer?
Mom, you want to come up now?
Where are you going?
Once again, "Mr. Cut-the-crap".
What are you doing, man?
- You're hurting me!
- Carlos!
Carlos, let him go!
Now!
Who are you?
It was a joke.
I didn't find it funny.
Don't get like that over a joke.
Someone needs to teach
that fraud a lesson,
...just for the way he looks at you!
He undresses you!
Do you ever look at me?
Do you look at me, Carlos?
Of course I do.
Good morning.
Why didn't you wake me up?
I wanted to let you rest.
What is that?
Your breakfast.
You know...
I'm still really mad at you.
Do you want it here
or in the living room?
Pepe, I need to see you.
There's a problem.
Carlos is acting really weird.
You wouldn't believe me,
if I told you. I swear.
Alfalfa, Renata, Goliath.
Suspect is a white female,
...redhead, in Frozen Foods.
Send back-up.
Alfalfa, Renata, Goliath. Mayday!
Christ almighty, you scared me!
I'm working.
Stick with me.
Pepe, I want you to tell me the truth.
Did you know
what you were doing to my Carlos?
We have to go see
my teacher, Dr. Fumetti.
Pepe, where the fuck are you?
I'll call you later.
Three, two, one... wake up!
You saw it with your own eyes.
Pain doesn't exist.
It is all in the mind.
See?
Give this couple a round of applause
for taking part...
...in this extraordinary experiment.
Your case interests me
for two reasons:
Pepe here is an outstanding
student of mine,
...and because Rasputin Lomax,
my mentor and friend,
...would've done the same for me.
Bring your husband
to my office tomorrow.
But don't tell him
the reason for your visit.
Of course.
You're fine paying, right?
I left my wallet upstairs.
Sure. You got any cash?
I had to come today?
It had to happen sometime.
- Carlos Lpez?
- Yes.
The doctor will see you now.
- Where are you going, Carmen?
- I'll come in with you.
Open your mouth.
Wider!
Let's see those cavities.
Lower right: 9, 6...
Lower left: 8, 6, 5...
Upper right:
9, 7, 6, 5...
When was the last time
you saw a dentist?
When we got married.
21 years ago.
But I never get toothaches.
An occasional twinge...
Rosario, we're going to need "The Rack".
Have you ever hear
of mental anesthesia?
Mental anesthesia
is a telekinetic, sensory state...
...that allows us to operate without
using traditional anesthesia.
It's for your own safety.
Now, look into that light.
If you don't relax,
...this will hurt a teeny bit.
Now...
Feel my hand.
Your eyelids feel heavy,
...your body feels heavy,
...you are overcome
by a very pleasant deep sleep.
When I count three, two, one,
...if there is someone inside you,
please, show yourself...
...and answer my questions.
Three... two... one...
Open your eyes.
What is your name?
Sorry. Hold on...
Tito.
It's short for Alberto.
How old are you?
What year is this?
Where do you live?
In Carabanchel.
7 Coln Street. Apartment 3-D.
Why all the questions?
I know you.
Your husband is an extrasensory being.
He's like a parabolic antenna
that attracts suffering spirits.
Right now, one called Alberto
has taken refuge in him.
We have to get him out of there fast.
If we don't, gradually,
...the spirit will take over
your husband's entire being.
- So what can we do?
- Well...
I could expel the intruder,
...but I'll need a personal item
from the specter.
- Get it for me.
- Yes...
Don't tell your husband anything.
That could be fatal.
How do I know if the man I'm with
is my husband or the other guy?
I'll figure it out.
That guy really does
have a magic touch.
It didn't hurt for shit.
He's just like Camilo.
- Who?
- Who else? Camilo Sesto.
Tasty! I was starving.
And this omelet is... Wow!
But you only like Grandma's omelet.
No! I'll clear.
Dad is acting really weird.
- What's wrong with him?
- Nothing.
It must be the weather.
How come you're on my side of the bed?
This morning, your husband
bought me coffee and gave me a hug.
And you're complaining already?
He does the laundry,
the dishes, he vacuums,
...he doesn't snore, he's kind...
You should be thanking me.
I don't understand you.
MY PARADISE APARTMENTS
NEW DEVELOPMEN Come on, Carlos, we're waiting.
Today would be nice!
Let's go!
Is he asleep up there?
Move your ass!
What the fuck?
It's not fucking raining!
Where are you going?
Over here!
Stop, stop! Fucking hell! Stop!
What are you doing?
Bring it over here.
That's it. Nice and slow.
Gentle.
Slowly...
Slow! Holy shit! Stop!
Stop! Fuck!
Carlos, stop!
What's wrong with you, you moron?
Are you trying to kill us?
Do you have the spirit's address?
Number seven...
It could be that one...
Over there.
This is it.
Let's see...
Three.
Hello?
Carmen, this is breaking
and entering! Fuck!
Excuse me? Hello?
- Please come in.
- Hello.
Please come in.
Make yourselves at home.
- Nice place.
- Thank you.
We love decorating.
We're very modern.
How about some music?
It's Kenny G. The latest album.
- We're sorry to intrude...
- It's fine.
- We'd like to talk to...
- Yes,
...we want to talk, too.
And find out who you are...
...and why you're here.
Well...
Cranberry juice?
- Yes.
- No, we're in a hurry.
In a hurry? Please...
Let me show you something.
Come...
We're looking for...
- Later.
- ...someone who lived here...
You have to see this.
Pepe. Pepe!
Bye, darling.
Delicious! Did you make them?
- So...
- Really?
Our masterpiece.
An exact replica.
The mattress,
100% memory foam.
- Want to try it?
- No, thanks.
Try, it feels so good.
I was wondering...
How old I am?
What's your guess?
24? 32?
You're not sure.
SWINGING.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
I'm actually 50.
I know I don't look it.
It says it here.
Pepe, this is 9 Coln Street!
We've got the wrong address.
Pepe?
That cocktease!
They redid the numbers.
Number 7 is now 5. Unbelievable.
What? I felt sorry for her.
FOR SALE
That's the one.
We have to call.
Shit, Dad! You scared me.
Go on, let me study.
I've got a test tomorrow.
Can I help?
Dad, you don't know shit,
gimme a break.
Forget Pythagoras,
you don't need to calculate...
...that the square of the hypotenuse is
equal to the square of the two sides.
Simply apply geometry to the math.
The area of a hexagon is
the same as the six triangles,
We've got the triangle's base
and the apothem,
...so use that and multiply by six.
Now I get it!
You explain it better than the teacher.
Dinner's ready!
OK.
You should put some clothes on.
So you don't catch cold.
This is delicious fish.
- Toi, you have to eat.
- I'm not hungry.
You'll end up an anorexic mess,
like your cousin Sandra.
You got a lot of tests this week?
On Friday I have one
on chemical compounds.
Organic or inorganic?
Can we study together?
Sure, but you gotta eat.
Have some ham, sweetie.
That's the way.
Watch out, it's scalding.
Where were you last night, Carlos?
What?
Where?
Where do you think, Carmen?
Here. What a question!
What are you doing?
Since when do I drink chocolate milk?
Since yesterday.
Don't get smart with me...
...or I'll do it.
Dad, what's the difference between
arithmetic progression and sequences?
Fuck!
Are you both fucking with me?
Where's my lunch?
My sandwich!
AFTERLIFE
Zizu, give me a coffee with churros.
I can do you a coffee,
but that guy had the last churros.
Hey, cousin.
I didn't see you come in.
You want chocolate milk?
One chocolate milk. My treat.
You think I'm some kind of asshole?
- Are you waiting for my wife?
- I'm not waiting for anyone.
Are you waiting for my wife?
I'm not lying.
Don't lie to me.
I'll kill you.
Wait! Watch my finger.
Keep your eyes on it because...
...you're gradually going to...
If you go near my wife again,
I'll cut your balls off!
Your husband is an animal.
A brute.
And you know that better than anyone.
Just drop it!
You're bent out of shape with me now?
Hi. I'm Pedro Lus Vivancos,
real estate agent.
Carmen?
- And you must be her husband.
- Yes, sir.
- Ready?
- Sure.
We haven't shown it in ages.
Come in.
The apartment
is almost 1,000 square feet.
This is the kitchen,
...it's quite large.
As you can see,
it's in mint condition.
The cabinets are made of beech.
The bathroom
is about 48 square feet.
It's finished
with ceramic tile and marble.
The bidet has a water jet.
I love those. They're great.
This is the master bedroom.
Feel free to look around.
Load-bearing wall.
Can't be removed.
This is the place for you.
I'll let you have it very cheap.
It's been on the market for years.
Not because it's in poor condition,
it passed all the inspections.
Why has it never sold?
Can you keep a secret?
This house...
was the scene of a murder.
It all happened in the dining room.
This way.
A mother and her son lived here.
He was schizophrenic,
but he stopped taking his medicine...
...because he was dating a girl.
His mother never approved
of the relationship.
Rumor had it that the mother
and son were sleeping together.
One day,
...at lunchtime,
...the son was carving a chicken
with an electric knife,
...when the squabbling began.
"You did this, you did that..."
- "Don't talk to Mommy like that!"
- "Stop controlling my life!"
- "Please take your medication!"
- "I don't want to!"
Then the son stood up...
...and pounced on his mother.
He grabbed her neck with one hand...
and with the other...
He cut her head off!
Blood squirting everywhere!
They never found the head.
It was a famous murder in the 80s.
Don't worry about the bloodstains.
A couple of coats of paint
will hide those.
And the bedroom...
The son's bedroom?
Look around as much as you like.
Carmen, just take something
and let's go!
What should I take?
Dr. Fumetti said something personal.
Hurry up, Carmen!
- Hurry up! He's coming!
- Pepe, don't make me nervous.
Hurry up! Let's go!
Take me to your gynecologist
so I can suck his finger!
Nice try, Celes,
no chance you're fucking her!
- Rogelio.Rogelio!
- What is it?
There's a monkey on the crane!
What?
You heard me!
A monkey.
A fucking chimpanzee!
How could there be a monkey?
Maybe it escaped from the zoo.
It stole my sandwich.
Can you see it, Rogelio?
The fucker is right here!
No! I don't see nothing!
Right here on the cab!
Carlos!
Motherfucker!
Come down right now!
- What's going on?
- Carlos, you're going to kill yourself!
Gimme my sandwich!
Look! I can be a monkey too.
I'm in charge here, asshole.
Look!
Check me out on the jungle gym!
What the...
Come here!
Give me back my sandwich.
That's my sandwich, motherfucker!
Don't come in tomorrow.
Take a few days off.
I'll call you.
We could put this on YouTube.
Go on, back to work!
Dr. Fumetti?
Yes, we've got it.
Tomorrow?
Today. Today.
Can't it be today?
OK.
See you tomorrow.
Goodbye, maestro.
- We should call the police.
- Great idea!
To tell them the spirit of a murderer
has possessed your husband?
Why are you home so early?
What's wrong, Carlos?
Where's Toi?
Where's Toi?
Toi! Sweetheart! Toi!
Mom! What is it?
You're going to stay with your aunt!
- Why?
- Because I say so. End of story.
- But...
- Shush! No arguments.
I swear I saw the monkey.
I believe you.
I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy.
Of course you're not, honey.
Then what's happening to me?
Look at you two!
You're pathetic.
Are you getting a divorce?
I don't even care!
There...
Keep the change.
Let me give you some advice, ma'am.
If you find out he's cheating,
take justice into your own hands,
...like Taxi Driver.
Look.
I can loan it to you.
Pretty realistic, huh?
It's only a toy!
Lady!
You're a stunner.
You'll soon find another macho man.
Hello?
Carmen, you need to see this.
- What is it?
- I'll tell you when you get here.
Where?
THE WEEKLY REPOR THE CARABANCHEL SLAUGHTER
Mental patient or murderer?
The slaughter in Carabanchel
has reignited the debate...
...about the treatment
of schizophrenia in our country.
On December 21st,
...at his home in Carabanchel,
Alberto Cantero, aged 28,
...slit the throat of his mother,
60 year-old Encarnacin Rojas,
...with an electric knife,
completely severing her head.
The killer then went to "La Noria",
a wedding banquet venue...
...where he worked as a waiter.
We were there for my nephew's wedding!
I know.
That's why I called you.
Once inside,
he used a large kitchen knife...
...to attack several guests
at the banquet being held there,
...killing seven
and seriously injuring three others.
Moments later,
Alberto Cantero took his own life.
We have obtained
video footage that was filmed...
...by one of the victims that day.
WARNING. Some viewers may find
the following images disturbing.
How could you show me this?
Peter, I told you to give me time.
- I'm risking everything here.
-I know, but we had no choice.
- What are we doing here?
- Who knows, go with it!
- Where's the envelope?
- The envelope.
You'll have to put these on.
INTENSIVE CARE UNI We're gonna go all out tonight!
Three cheers for the bride!
Hip hip...
...hooray!
- Three cheers for the bride!
- Hip hip hooray!
Which one?
What?
Choose one. Come on!
- Either?
- One.
Pepe...
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,
Catch a tiger by the toe.
If he hollers, let him go,
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
That one.
"Mariano Caadas."
"Bronchogenic carcinoma."
He's at death's door.
Come closer.
- Your husband's belonging?
- He's not my husband!
- Whatever! Where is it?
- Do you have it?
Give it to him.
- What the hell is that?
- What does it look like?
- Now put them on Mariano.
- What?
We don't have much time!
- He's got a diaper on!
- Take it off.
The item belonging to the spirit...
...must be in direct contact
with the medium or it won't work.
Oh, my God!
Clean him up.
No! You're the one
whose husband is possessed.
Really?
And whose fault was that?
Hurry up!
OK, but you take the diaper off.
Done.
- Now what?
- It's very simple.
Mariano already has one foot
in the grave. He's the living dead.
A superconductor.
An intercom to the afterlife.
Alberto, are you there?
Alberto, can you hear me?
Alberto, if you're there,
give me a sign.
Alberto?
Albertito?
Can you hear me?
Tito.
- Shit!
- Fucking hell!
Alberto, is that you?
What?
Is that you?
Yes, it's me.
You're the dentist!
I'm Dr. Fumetti.
How long are you
going to be among us?
- What do you mean?
- When will you leave Carlos's body?
Oh, that. When I die.
But you're already long dead!
Alberto, you have to leave.
You have to go!
Carmen, sweetheart.
What are you doing here?
Alberto, I'm begging you,
...you have to leave my husband.
You have to go back to your world.
But I want to be with you.
That's not possible, Alberto.
That's not possible.
Please. You have to go.
No.
- Yes, Alberto.
- No!
- Yes.
- No!
No! No!
No!
No!
No!
Then you leave me no choice!
What are you doing?
- Help me!
- What are you doing?
- Help me!
- Pepe, don't!
Are you two crazy?
Stop it!
What do you care?
Press down!
Help me!
Hold him!
You fucking bitch!
You're not getting your money back!
Maestro!
Thank you, my love.
I'll see you later at home.
I'm going to work.
Pepe, where the hell are you?
We have to find Carlos.
He hasn't come in.
And he'd better not.
Josemi, hurry it up.
I've seen snails move faster!
- Are you the extra help?
- Yes.
Two prawns, two croquettes
and two cherry tomatoes per person!
Long time no see, Benito.
How's Concha?
We separated 15 years ago.
I'm sorry.
I want this full of trays!
May I?
That's fine. Thanks.
Excuse me.
Who brought the monkey?
Excuse me.
Do these contain gluten?
Help. Help me...
Hang in there!
Don't just stand there.
Get moving.
Come on, guys. Keep it moving!
There he is.
We have to go in there.
Yes. But not looking like this.
Kiss, kiss, kiss...
Kiss, kiss, kiss...
I can't see him.
Save some for tomorrow!
There he is!
Pepe, we have to do something.
Do you have eyeliner?
My love, what are you doing here?
Did you see the monkey?
It's gone.
It's not coming back.
It's alright, love.
It's gone, don't worry.
Ladies and gentlemen,
...at the request of the groom,
it is my pleasure to introduce...
...a hypnosis show
like no other in the world...
...that will open the door
to the fourth dimension.
I give you, the one and only...
Peter Strauss!
Good evening and welcome.
Tonight I want to take you
on a journey into the beyond.
But I need two volunteers.
Two volunteers.
No!
A round of applause.
I want you to keep
a close eye on my hands.
Don't take your eyes off my finger.
Gradually,
...you'll feel your eyelids...
...getting heavy.
Your eyes feel heavy.
You're getting sleepy, very sleepy.
One... two... three...
Sleep.
You start going down
an endless escalator...
...which will take you
to the depths of your own minds.
Ten... nine... eight... seven...
...deeper...
...six... five... four...
...deeper and deeper...
...three...
...two...
...one...
...zero.
The lights come on...
...and you find yourselves
in a white world,
...where everything,
...absolutely everything, is white.
What?
Carmen, don't be afraid.
It's me.
There's so much I want to tell you.
Where are we?
I'm going to beat the shit out of you!
- Calm down, Carlos!
- Calm down?
I'm trapped in this hell watching
my wife sleep with another man.
Who are you?
I'm Tito.
I'm you when you're not you.
You're me?
Son of a bitch! I'll kill you!
I'll fucking kill you!
Carlos, stop it!
Please, stop it!
Carmen, untie me!
Untie me!
Quit torturing me!
Shit! Untie me! Carmen!
Let me fucking go!
Not until you calm down.
Do you hear me?
Not until you calm down.
Love, I'm embarrassed to say this, but...
I'm really sorry. Forgive me.
You're right.
I have a demon inside me.
I loved you so much, but...
I don't know how to do it.
If you could give me another chance,
I swear I'll change, my love.
Forgive me.
I promise,
everything is going to change.
Everything.
Everything is going to change.
I love you with all my life.
Carmen, where are you going?
Carmen!
Carmen!
Three... two... one...
Awaken.
Carmen!
Carmen!
Carmen!
Carmen, where are you going?