Everyone, have your money
ready. We only have so much time.
Okay, say, "Cheers!"
Cheers.
Say, "Beer!"
Beer!
Say, "Cheers!"
Glen, you got to take
that shirt off, pal.
Why?
Hands, you wanna
field this one?
Uh, dude, you're getting
a fake ID...
...and you're wearing a shirt
that says you're in high school.
So?
Okay, whatever.
I'll fix it later.
Just do
what you were doing.
Give me
some nice cat things.
- B!
- Oh, hey, Schrader.
What the hell
is going on here?
Relax, pal.
Five percent goes
to your favorite charity.
Uh, I forgot to tell you,
I borrowed your keys.
You borrowed my keys?
Come on.
Well, I needed them.
Ow.
We're providing a vital
service to America's youth here.
Could we get the next in line,
please? No, we're not. Stay there!
We're contributing to
the delinquency of minors, B.
Do you know what will
happen to me if I get caught?
Every day
after eighth period...
Vice Principal Matthews
comes in here.
He picks up
the women's fitness magazine...
...and he snaps one off!
Are you serious?
Yes.
That is a problem.
Uh, okay, well, we still have
the rest of eighth period, right?
So, we'll just pack everybody
up and get out of here.
Okay, let's go!
Shit!
Gaines! Gaines! Gaines!
Okay, good, good.
Ah, wonderful!
Vice Principal Matthews!
So glad you could join us!
What the hell is this?
It's Glee Club
practice, sir.
We're just gettin' ready for
Memorial Day. It's a big one for us.
We don't have
a Glee Club.
Not yet,
we don't, sir.
But as the graduating class,
we wanted to leave behind...
...a legacy that inspires
future students...
...to take initiative
rather than spend their time...
I don't know, privately defacing
women's fitness magazines.
I mean, I went
to read an article...
...about no carbs and higher reps
the other day...
...and the pages were...
You are a rotten egg.
...as if by some natural
adhesive. That'll be enough.
I need to cut
the pounds...
...and I can't open the...
Stop it!
Whatever does it for...
Stop it!
That's all
I'm gonna say.
Thank God
you're graduating.
I'm the fourth-generation Schrader... Sorry.
...to go to Harmon College, okay? Yeah.
I can't do anything
to screw that up.
You know, like, I don't know,
getting busted for identity fraud.
Look at you.
Would you stop, man? Relax.
We're all goin'
to college, okay?
This is said by the guy
who's been rejected... Hey, B.
...by seven schools.
Hey, I'm creating
dramatic tension.
I got a good feeling
about number eight! Ugh.
I got in! I got in!
I got into Princeton!
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, I think that guy
got into Princeton.
Oh, what makes you say that?
I don't know.
Bartleby! Hey.
Hey, how are you, Monica? Hey, how are you?
Good. Do you know Schrader?
No, I don't think so. Oh!
Yes! We...
I actually...
We had a class.
Oh, yeah.
My shit was all crazy.
I sat way behind you.
Yeah. Sorry. I don't remember you, either.
Sorry.
It's all right.
Um, anyway, I really wanted
to ask you something.
Sure, anything.
Um, you know,
I know it's really late...
...but, um, last minute
and everything...
...but prom is coming up soon,
you know? It's okay. Yes.
And I'm actually having a
party at my house beforehand.
Awesome!
And I was wondering...
...if you'd like to, um...
If you could, um...
I'd love to.
... Mow our lawn.
Mow your lawn?
Yeah.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Yeah. I'm really embarrassed,
but, you know...
...our mower's broken and my mom
was just, like, "Ask Bartleby!"
That's cool!
I... Yeah. Tell your mother I
would love to mow the lawn. Really?
Of course.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, sure.
Thank you. Hey, babe!
Hey, yo, Monica! Come on!
Sorry, I got to go.
But thank you, again.
Yeah, s-sure.
You're really helping us out.
Oh, great to see you.
And, hey, it was nice to meet,
um, see you. Talk to you.
Yes, yes. It was... It was
so nice catching up with you.
Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.
B- Bye, Monica.
Hey, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting, baby.
Hoyt Ambrose. Hoyt!
Hoyt Ambrose. What's that
guy got that I don't have?
I just need to get a car.
And classic good looks.
"I regret... "
I can't believe
I didn't get into State!
I wasn't even aiming high
with that one.
That was my fallback!
It was my safety school,
my fail-safe!
Maybe you're just
too average.
Hey, time out.
Too average?
Okay. Okay.
Excuse me, Lizzie.
R- R-Remember who
you're talkin' to here.
I didn't have to go to gym class
for a whole year...
'cause I claimed
to be allergic to sweat.
Or what about the time I got the note
from my doctor saying I was nocturnal...
...and I was allowed
to study in my dreams?
I got the school bully, Frank
Daley, kicked out for two years...
...because he was
sexually harassing me...
...by pushing me up against the
locker and I said I felt something.
I mean, come on.
That was pure genius.
Maybe if you didn't write an essay
called "I Don't Have a Clue. "
Well, it's true. You know?
I don't have a clue what I want
to do with the rest of my life.
Mom and Dad
are gonna kill you.
O ye of little faith.
They're not gonna kill me.
Uh-huh.
I just have to spin it...
...and put it in terms
they can understand.
I don't understand.
I don't understand, either.
Okay, I figure it
like this.
The average cost of college
is, what, $20,000 a year?
Now, according to these estimates
that I got off the Web...
You can pass those around.
Someone with no education
beyond high school...
...can expect to make about $20,000
a year in the current job market.
Now, that being said,
over the next four years...
...you could either
spend $80,000
...or I could make $80,000.
Are you saying
you don't want to go to college?
No. I'm saying that
it is fiscally irresponsible...
...for me to go
to college. You know?
Are you huffing?
Oh, God. No.
Are you high?
You're huffing grass?
No. I'm not huffing, Mom. I'm
not stoned. I'm completely fine.
In fact, I'm more clear and
level-headed than I've ever been.
Okay, cut the crap,
Bartleby.
Society has rules.
And the first rule is
you go to college. Mmm-hmm.
You want to have a happy and
successful life? You go to college.
If you want to be somebody,
you go to college.
If you want to fit in,
you go to college.
Well, you know what? Maybe
I didn't get into college.
What do you mean?
I didn't get accepted
anywhere.
Oh, Bartleby.
Damn it.
I knew he should've started
preparing for college in junior high...
...like his sister.
Now, she's got a shot.
I've got a shot.
She's got a shot.
Listen, guys.
There are plenty of successful
people who didn't go to college.
Albert Einstein,
you know.
Pocahontas never
went to college.
Corey Feldman
and Corey Haim.
They had a great run.
Both Lewis and Clark.
Suzanne Somers. Bono.
I need to go
check on the cobbler.
"Check the cobbler. "
Glug, glug, glug.
You know, I really don't care
what Sonny Bono did or didn't do.
You're goin' to college.
I told you so.
You were adopted.
Everyone...
I would like to propose
a toast to our graduates.
To the Class of 2006...
...may the next four years
of college...
...be the best years
of your life.
Hear, hear.
Mom.
Hey.
Hey, man, what's up?
What's up, B? How you doin'? What's up?
Dude, I swear,
if one more person tells me...
...how excited they are to go
to college, I'm gonna lose it.
Oh, man, I heard about the scholarship.
That's insane. You're one of
the best receivers in the state.
Uh, the best. And, uh,
no knee, no football, man.
That sucks.
What are you gonna do now?
I have no idea.
That makes two of us, pal.
It's fine, it's fine, it's
fine, it's fine, it's fine.
Hey, Rory. What's goin' on?
Oh, hey. What? Fine. Nothing.
Um, I... I didn't get into Yale.
I did... I didn't,
I didn't get into Yale.
I didn't...
I didn't get into Yale.
What? I can't
believe that!
Well, there's no room
for Rory at Yale.
Too many rich kids
with mediocre grades...
...and well-connected parents
this year, I guess.
No room for Rory,
who's been working...
...since first grade
to get into Yale.
Rory, who only applied
to Yale and nowhere else.
I had it all planned!
It was perfect, B!
Perfect!
And now
it's nothing! Nada!
It's a goose egg!
Okay. Well.
God, Rory! Rory!
She's handling that
really well.
College
is for pussies!
All right. I got to get out of here, pal.
Hang in there.
All right, man. You, too.
Bartleby! Hey! Oh, hey, Mr.
Schrader. I was actually just...
Did you have any cake?
No, you know, I'm not much of a cake guy.
Oh, it is a hell
of a cake.
It is the same cake we got for Scotty
and Seth when they got into Harmon.
Oh, ah, everything
comes full circle.
Jay! How are ya, bud?
Oh, I really don't...
Hey, Stu.
Hey.
I can't imagine your pride,
knowing your youngest...
...is headed off to a good
college. Must take a load off.
Yeah, well, not to mention...
...the load it takes off
my bank account.
Dad.
Nothin' like gettin'
a load off!
What about you,
Bartleby?
That's a good question,
Mr. Harkin.
What's with the questions,
Mr. Trebek?
Where you goin'?
Um, I... I., well...
I didn't really, uh...
Bartleby screwed around and
now he's not goin' to college.
He's thrown his life away.
Yeah, that's... That's what
I was gonna say. Thanks, Dad.
Wait. South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
Yeah. B, you realize that
makes it S.H.I.T., right?
S.H.I.T.?
I was wingin' it. Whatever.
Just finish building
the website, please.
This is the act of a desperate,
wildly unrealistic person.
Yo, B, you have to hook me up with
one of these acceptance letters, bro.
Are you kidding me? No way.
Why not?
Oh, come on. The only way this is
gonna work is if we keep it quiet.
And even then,
it's still a long shot.
Dude, I don't care.
I have to do somethin'.
The minute
I lost my scholarship...
...my pop started talkin' about
me getting my own bus route.
Help me. Please?
Mmm.
You know something?
For the safety of the public,
I can't let you drive a bus.
Sweet.
But listen to me.
This is just a temporary
stopgap measure, okay?
Nothing more.
Gotcha.
Bravo, guys. Great.
Both of you guys.
Let's start this fake college. And then
we'll go start a meth lab somewhere.
Come on. It's a gateway crime. What?
That's how these things start.
You know something, Schrader...
...you got into
a great college.
And your future's
lookin' really good...
...and I'm psyched for you, pal, 'cause
you're my best friend and I love you.
I'm talking about me coming
to you, asking for your help.
Just finish
the damn website.
Please.
What do you say?
There he is!
Fine.
Get off me,
you idiot.
But we need some sort of, like,
mission statement or something.
Your dad's gonna want to see
that. I know him, he's a hard-ass.
Hey, kids. Honey!
Hey. Hi. How are you? Hey.
What's this?
South Harmon Institute of Technology?
What's that?
Mmm? What's that?
One of the most respected schools
in the area, that's what that is.
Well, what's it say?
I gotta open it first.
Come on, hurry.
Oh. I'm nervous.
"Dear Bartleby...
"congratulations,
you've been accepted!"
I got in!
Aw, thank God. Thank God.
I got in!
Hey-o!
Oh! God!
Honey.
I'm okay.
Hey, this is great!
It's so exciting!
What the hell is South Harmon
Institute of Technology? Yeah.
Oh, it's one of
Harmon College's sister schools.
I've never heard of it.
Well, because
it's the baby sister.
It's the most discreet and
unharmed of the sister schools.
You got any literature
on this place?
Yeah, there's a website,
I'll show you the link.
You did it.
You're a college boy.
Wow.
So you guys want to eat?
Yeah.
Hey! I hate my life.
I'm a huge tool.
Have fun being hot.
Bartleby!
Hey, Dad, what's up?
I took a look
at that website.
Oh.
Cool.
It looks unreal.
Unreal?
Yeah, it looks
pretty unbelievable, huh?
It seems
like a solid place.
Really?
Here you go.
First semester's tuition.
Paid in full.
That's great.
Wow, thank you, Dad.
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
Thanks, Dad.
Your mother and I
can't wait to drop you off.
What we need to do
is lease a place near Harmon...
...so we can fool our parents.
Yeah.
Hey, Schrad, do you know any
places up near Harmon we can rent?
Oh, yeah, I do,
actually.
I carry around a list
with me at all times...
...of abandoned buildings
for fake colleges.
Dude, I started you guys
a bank account already.
What do you want me to be,
your realtor?
Oh, hey, guys.
What's up?
Hey, what's up, Glen?
Hey.
Hey, Glen...
...when did you start working
at the Kwik 'N Stop?
Since I got boned, hard,
by every college I applied to.
Why, what happened?
Some political crap.
I got a zero on my SATs.
You know
you get 600 points...
...just for signing
your name, right?
All right,
let's get serious, man.
Now, where we gonna find a
place to pass off as a college?
Hey, guys! I know a place.
How'd you know
about this place?
I used to do
volunteer work here.
This
place is awesome.
'Cause now I can
finally get hepatitis.
A bird in the hand, dude.
A bird in the hand.
That doesn't
make any sense.
It's a saying.
What?
A diamond in the rough.
Hope you guys
have hobo-stab insurance.
Great.
The birthplace of crack.
Hello, beautiful.
Hey! Hey, guys,
don't go in there.
This is breaking
and entering.
Schrader, come on.
Don't be scared.
Who's scared? I'm not scared. You're scared.
Schrader, you were scared to
try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
I told you that
in confidence, Hands.
Schrader, you were afraid
when your tooth fell out...
...because you were terrified
of the tooth fairy.
That's actually
a legitimate fear.
She was rifling
through my shit.
Okay, Fine, whatever, dude, stay here.
Fine. I will.
Okay, guys, seriously...
I don't want to be here alone
when the walls start to bleed.
We don't have
to renovate the whole place.
We just have to focus
on essential areas.
We got the... The main lobby.
Hallway.
Dorm rooms.
Dorm rooms, exactly.
I think this could really work.
Huh? It's awesome!
Can you hold that?
Yeah.
Guys, a little can-do
attitude, some elbow grease...
...maybe a smile from Schrader.
It's like cleaning up
your room, you know?
Welcome to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
Atta baby.
The beginning of good things.
Yeah.
Schrader,
what the hell was that?
Um, this is embarrassing.
Are you kidding?
It would be really cool...
...if you guys wouldn't tell
people I scream like that.
Ready, set, go.
Whoo!
All right.
Uh, whoa, Glen.
Oh, hey, B.
What are you doing here,
buddy?
Rory told me about it.
What are you doing? We were gonna
keep this place a big secret.
But he didn't have
any place to go.
He got fired
from the Kwik 'N Stop.
Is that true? Why'd you...
Why'd you get fired?
I got fired
for making a shrimp slushee.
That's disgusting.
See?
Why would you
do that, pal?
'Cause I was hungry
and thirsty.
Oh, God.
This kitchen is bitchin'!
And this'll be the bath...
Close the door.
Shit!
Close it!
It takes 10,000 steps
to get from here to greatness.
And this right here...
...this is step one.
Good luck, Son.
Mister Ambrose, do you know what
makes Harmon a great college?
Rejection.
The exclusivity
of any university...
...is judged primarily
by the amount of students...
...it rejects.
Unfortunately,
for the last few years...
...we have been unable to
match the amount of students...
...that Yale, Princeton,
or even Stanford rejects...
...primarily because
of our physical limitations.
But all that
is about to change.
Yale has one,
Princeton has one.
And now Harmon College
will have...
...the prestigious entranceway
it deserves.
A verdant buffer zone...
...to keep knowledge in,
and ignorance out.
That is a great idea, sir.
Yes, it is.
Now, you, Mr. Ambrose,
are chairman...
...of the Student Community
Outreach Committee.
I need you to secure
all these decrepit properties...
...in the neighboring community.
So that we can demolish them
to make room...
...for the Van Horne Gateway.
You know what?
This actually looks
like the real deal.
Guys, I don't want to be
too overly optimistic...
...but I think
this could work.
It really looks
professional. Hello.
Hey, kid,
where the hell are you?
Oh, I'm, uh...
Listen.
I took another look
at that website.
What's all this "be
what you want to be" crap?
No, no, Dad, they just... They
just have to say stuff like that...
...just to keep
from being sued.
Yeah, well, sounds like
a bunch of crap to me.
Glen, go long.
Set up a meeting with the dean.
The dean? Jesus.
Mother of hell!
Your college does
have a dean, doesn't it?
I'm good! Yes, of course
the college has a dean.
Dad, you know, he's a busy guy,
though, you know...
...he can't just, uh,
set up a meeting with parents.
Listen. If I'm paying for
it, I'm meeting with the dean.
I want to make sure you have the same
education I did. A real education.
Dinner's at 8:00. Wait, Dad, Dad,
Dad, I can't... I can't... Aw, shit.
I gotta trim this corner right
here. I think I got poisoned.
What's up, B?
We got a little problem.
What?
Who was that, Bartleby?
We gotta find a dean.
In life, it's important to
distinguish between need and want.
You think you want something because
you've been conditioned to want it.
I want the Pump!
I don't got the Pump.
Look, oh, I got the
Tim Duncan Adidas Cool-D's.
I want the Pump!
Listen,
you insolent little snot...
...there are kids right now in Asia who
are sewing your stupid shoes together...
...so that their family can have
a bowl of rice to eat tonight!
This is the worst idea
of all time.
Your Uncle Ben
used to be a genius.
He'll be fine.
Mom!
What did you do?
You're the one who
emotionally crippled the kid.
You know what?
Maybe he's retarded.
I'm glad my mother's dead.
He's just having a bad day.
Oh, my gosh.
You want me to be the dean
of your college?
No, I want you
to pretend to be the dean.
It's just for one day.
Uh, perhaps young Sherman
didn't share this with you.
I've retired, I'm no longer
a shaper of young minds.
Oh, really?
Yeah, well, technically,
he was fired.
That's not true. I got fed up
with the education racket.
So I quit.
I did send in my resignation...
...in a rather
unorthodox fashion.
You sent the dean of the
university a bag of dog shit.
It was a metaphor.
For what?
For "You're full of shit!"
Oh.
That's not a metaphor.
That's a metaphor.
Oh, semantics, schmantics.
Three years from now,
I'm finished with this crap.
I'm goin' to Papua New Guinea.
I'm outta here.
Wh-Where...
Where you going?
I'm going off the grid.
No more, uh, franchises,
no more Botox...
...no more "Eh, oh,
let's clone another goat. "
And certainly no more
sexual harassment suits.
What's wrong with saying,
"Hey! Nice tits. "
When did that
go out the window?
Okay, Ben,
all I'm asking you...
...is just shake a couple hands
with some parents...
...say, "Hi, I'm the dean,"
whatever.
What if we pay you?
Don't sully my dignity
with your cash.
There you are!
Did you make another child cry?
It's not my fault the kid's
a crybaby! Little dipshit.
You're an asshole!
You're an asshole.
You are an asshole.
And you're fired.
Perhaps it is time to move on.
But I get to bring my house.
Deal.
Right or left?
Right.
Whose right?
Your call.
You're an idiot!
You're upset.
Go with what you feel.
You got about 12 feet.
Perfect.
Asshole.
Okay, smiles, everyone.
First day at college.
What's up with these colors?
Shit brown? Really?
Glen picked 'em.
Of course he did.
Where'd you find
all these people?
Uh, I volunteer at an
English-as-a-second-language program.
These are my students. I told
them if they wanted to pass...
...they'd have to
successfully assimilate...
...into the American
college environment.
Whoa! The parents are here!
Okay!
We're on, guys!
Okay, people,
it's showtime!
Wow.
No frills around here. Oh, none at all.
None of that, uh, that ivy, or gargoyles,
or mahogany, it's the real deal.
The real deal, huh?
This is it, kid.
This is it.
The big moment. Take this in.
Ah.
It's exciting, it's scary.
It's really scary.
Oh, look! Oh, it looks great.
Okay.
What's going on here?
Okay, we lost
one of the campers.
Curious campers.
What are you doing?
Don't do that. Don't do that.
Honey.
Take it easy.
Okay, here we are. Let's...
What the devil is that?
Oh.
That's just a surge
of collegiate energy.
It's college for you.
Take a left up here
for the dorm room, Dad.
Oh, uh, can you
hang on a second?
I just really gotta go to the
bathroom a minute, you know.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I just wanna...
No, no, no, no, no!
Uh, it's, that's,
it's the men's room.
You can't go in there.
Well, can't you just
stand outside...
Diane, can't you wait
till we get to the restaurant?
Hey, I'll see you, Rasheed.
I'll see you in math class.
You owe me 30 bucks,
by the way.
You jokester.
Here we are. You remember Hands.
Hey, Mrs. Gaines.
Hey, hi.
The fam.
You look great.
Well, thank you.
When I first saw it, I was
like, I gotta live here?
I can't believe this.
But it's a dorm room.
Mr. Gaines.
Daryl, how are you, partner?
Oh, thunder grip.
Why are there bars
on the window?
Oh, that's so nobody
accidentally gets thrown out.
It's fine. It's a good learning environment.
Not a lot of extras.
You'll study harder.
Yes. We will, because of the
blue and the sparse walls.
I agree with you, sir.
What are these?
That's in case
of an earthquake.
Uh, never mind that.
Hey, let's go meet the dean.
Huh?
The dean.
Come here, honey.
Come on.
Which way?
Take a right there, Mom.
It's gonna be fun.
You know,
a lot of people say...
...that college is the time
when young men and women...
...expand the way
that they look at their world...
...when they open their minds
to new ideas and experiences...
...and when they begin
that long journey...
...from the innocence of youth...
...to the responsibilities
of adulthood.
Now isn't that
a load of horseshit?
W- What?
Could you explain that
to us a little more?
Uh, Dean Lewis,
why don't you tell them...
...a little bit about the
philosophy here at South Harmon?
Look, we throw a lot of fancy
words in front of these kids...
...in order to attract them
to going to school...
...in the belief that they're
gonna have a better life.
And we all know
that all we're doing...
...is breeding
a whole new generation...
...of buyers and sellers.
Buyers and sellers!
Pimps and whores.
Pimps and whores!
And indoctrinating them into a
life-long hell of debt and indecision.
I...
Um...
I... I just don't understand.
Do I have
to spoon-feed it to you?
Look, there's only one reason...
...that kids
want to go to school.
Holy shit.
Which is?
To get a good job.
To get a good job,
with a great starting salary.
I couldn't agree more.
It is so refreshing
to have somebody...
...approach education
so rationally.
Fuckin' A!
Well, Dad. Ow.
Oh, Mom.
You make us proud, kiddo.
I'll try, Dad.
Don't worry about
anything, okay?
Bye, honey.
Seat belts.
Spread your wings.
I'm gonna fly.
You gotta let me fly.
Bye, Lizzie.
Bye!
Bye!
So what do we do now?
Well, my friend,
we're in college now.
We can do whatever we want.
Gotta hand it to you, B.
Kids everywhere are busting
their ass in the classroom...
...and we're killing
aliens, dude.
This is way better than learning.
We are learning here, pal.
We're learning the dire cost to
civilization when diplomacy fails.
We're learning political science right now.
What the...
What the hell is that?
Who is it?
Abernathy
Darwin Dunlap, sir.
Hi, there!
What's your name?
My name's
Abernathy Darwin Dunlap.
But you could call me A.D.D...
...on account of the fact
that I have A.D.D...
...which is Attention Deficit Disorder
and you know...
...everyone used to think it was just
an addiction to sugar when I was six...
...and my mom used to cry because
she thought I would never be...
...like, a fully functioning
member of society...
...like my neighbor
who has Legionnaire's Disease.
Oh...
This is no longer
a mental health facility.
I'm so sorry
we can't help you.
Good luck to you, pal.
I don't need a hospital!
Okay, okay, wh-wh-what
are you doing here, then?
Well, unless
I misread the website...
I'm here for orientation!
Oh, you scared me for a
second. In more ways than one.
Uh, you're looking
for Harmon College...
...it's just right on
up the hill.
But good luck, have fun.
Go, Harmon.
No! I'm looking for South
Harmon Institute of Technology...
...because, well,
it's the only place I got accepted...
...and I'm looking
to pursue my degree in English...
...or law or animal husbandry
or anything really!
Did you just say
you got accepted here?
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah,
we all did.
What?
Thank you so much!
Oh, God.
Holy balls.
I'm sorry.
Move, fool.
Oh, look, there's
my old girlfriend, Sara Pelfan.
You broke my heart!
Please.
Oh, uh, sorry, sorry. No
parents allowed past this point.
It's part of our philosophy
here at South Harmon.
We need to mold
your kids into individuals...
...and the first step is to...
...sever the ties of
the parent-child relationship.
Take him.
We're just glad
Larry got in someplace.
He's your problem now.
Bye, hon. No biting!
Hey, Larry.
Okay, good talk.
Go on in there.
You're gonna fit right in,
Larry. Unfortunately.
What are we gonna do?
This is supposed
to be a secret.
Yeah, well, I guess
the secret's out.
You go check the P.O. Box, I'm
gonna go find Schrader, okay?
Hey, pledge guy,
welcome to B.K.E. House.
Can I take
your blazer for you?
Get in there, your future
is right in there.
Thank you.
All right.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. Sorry.
Bartleby. Hey, how are you?
Hey, how you doing?
Good. I'm so sorry
about your jacket.
Dude, don't worry about it.
It's... It's not even my jacket.
Perfect. So, what are you doing here?
I'm, I'm looking for Schrader,
actually. Have you seen him?
Uh, no, I haven't.
Hey, I'm Sherman Schrader.
I'll catch up with you.
Hey.
I'm Sherman Schrader. Okay.
This is fun.
I'm just gonna hang back...
...while you guys shoot around
and stuff, you know.
Oh, shit.
I got it.
Oh.
That's a... It's a G chord.
I used to play
in a Cranberries tribute band.
Uh, we disbanded.
Hey, you're Sherman Schrader.
Yeah.
Hoyt Ambrose.
Yes, right. I know.
Yes. You are the president
of this whole fraternity.
That's right. Right.
You date Monica Moreland.
That I do.
Right.
I think about her
when I masturbate.
What?
What?
I didn't mean to say that.
Yeah. So, uh, Sherman's father pledged
alongside my father back in the day.
Oh, so you're the legacy.
That's right. Legacy!
You need... You probably
need this to play, actually.
Was it here?
Uh, was it there? Was it...
So... So do you go
to school here now, or...
I don't. Uh,
I go to South Harmon.
Did you say South Harmon?
Yes, I did.
Oh, what's that?
Hmm?
Wha-What's South Harmon?
South Harmon is...
It's a college...
...just a very small college.
Teeny, tiny college.
That's great. Well,
congratulations to you. Thank you.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey!
Oh, my gosh,
I was so excited for you...
Actually, can you just give me
just one sec, okay? Thanks.
Hey, winner, Hoyt Ambrose.
Floyd Pambrose.
That's weird.
Our names rhyme.
Yeah, that is
pretty weird.
That's kind of crazy.
Welcome to B.K.E.
Thanks. It's great.
I love it here.
All the sexually repressed energy. Oh.
I love it. A lot of anti-Semitism,
but under the rug, you know.
I like it, I like the way
you handle your business.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Well, hey, why don't you just
hang around and meet some guys?
Oh, no, thanks, man,
I'm not into guys.
I totally respect your lifestyle
choice, though. And good luck with it.
Your parents probably
don't get it, but I do.
I'll see you later, Monica.
Bye. It was good to see you.
I'll see you later, Thor.
I mean Dirk.
Uh, I mean Trent.
Sorry, Troy.
Whoop, sorry, Goldie.
Schrader, where you been? I've
been calling you for half an hour.
What the hell, man?
I'm in the middle of rush.
I don't care, man.
I got a situation goin' on.
This is huge for me,
all right?
You can't be here right now.
Okay, okay, okay.
Remember that time we had to
steal my mom's birth control pills?
Yeah, and then Lizzie was
born. It's worse than that.
Where did these people
come from?
Oh, from the chaos catalog.
They were going out of business.
What is happening?
I'll tell you what's happening.
I told you to make the website
look legitimate, not functional.
Hey, you wanted to fool your
dad. And the guy's not an idiot.
And, also, it was your idea to put
"Acceptance is just one click away. "
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it as one click
away, you don't make it clickable.
Oh, my...
Holy shit.
Yeah.
They all paid
first semester's tuition?
Oh, yeah.
10,000 bucks apiece.
I stopped counting
after the first 100 checks.
That's $74,000,000.
It's $1,000,000, Glen.
Yeah. In human dollars.
Okay, okay, okay.
We gotta do something.
Hey, don't look at me. Ask
one of the founding fathers.
B?
This isn't my deal, man.
I told you this was a bad idea
from the get-go.
True.
We could have
a Battle Royale.
Wow.
What is that?
B, you gotta
tell these people to go home.
You are absolutely right,
my friend.
I started this,
I'm gonna finish it.
Thank you.
Go.
Hey. Hey, Glen!
All right.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry.
Excuse me. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, everybody.
Can I... Can I just get your
attention for one minute?
Um, yeah, I'll be taking
questions in a minute.
Just give me one second,
please. Hold on. All right.
Who the hell are you?
Ah-ah. Okay.
That's a good question.
Thank you.
My name's Bartleby. Hello.
Um, Gaines,
for what it's worth.
And, um, you know
on the website how it said...
"Acceptance is just
one click away"?
Do you remember that?
We had intended...
Hold on.
We added that because we were... Aw, shit.
Yeah, okay, what... I'm sorry.
What... What... What do you want?
When I got accepted here...
...it was the first time my parents
ever said they were proud of me!
That's cool.
Um, that's cool, man.
Hey, uh, just show of hands, how
many people applied to other colleges?
Everybody. Uh, okay.
And how many of you got in to
the other places you applied to?
Nobody.
Nobody got in anywhere else?
And you know what?
I didn't, either.
I didn't get into
a real college.
A really, really good college.
I know what it's like
to be rejected. It sucks.
Rejection blows.
Being said no to.
You know what, I'm sorry, you're
just not quite good enough.
You didn't have
enough extracurriculars.
You didn't play enough tennis.
You didn't study hard enough for your
scores. So you're not gonna make it.
You know what? Screw that!
What's he doing?
I think
he's winging it.
Shouldn't we all have
the chance to be said yes to?
At South Harmon,
we say yes to you!
We say yes to your hopes.
We say yes to your dreams.
We say yes to your flaws!
So welcome!
Grab a room, grab a friend...
...grab yourself,
we don't give a shit.
Welcome to South Harmon
Institute of Technology!
Oh, man.
And welcome to S.H.I.T.!
You! I love you!
What are you doing?
Do you realize
how stupid this is?
You invited everyone to a
college that doesn't exist.
I... I just couldn't do it,
okay? You saw their faces.
They got rejected
from everywhere.
What... What kind of message does that
send if I reject them from my college?
You don't have a college!
Hey, hey, hey,
where's the bookstore?
Oh, we have a deal
with Amazon.
You just buy 'em
with a credit card.
When do we sign up
for classes?
Uh, we extended orientation.
You're fine.
Hey, man, where the heck
do we eat around here?
Uh, Glen, uh, 300 pizzas.
Order them.
18 pizza pockets.
What? No, no, no. 3...
Hey, who do I give
my intuition money to?
Who? What?
Me, I guess.
I'm done fishing singles
out of my G-string.
I'm a college girl now!
Aw, yeah.
Wow.
Uh, B, hey, uh, you just
started a fictional college.
Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, okay.
Hey, do you guys have
a swim team here?
Yes, you know what? This is Hands
Holloway. He's the Athletic Director.
He can help you with anything you
need to know. I can't do it right now.
Thank you, though, thank you,
I'm sorry.
Uh, you guys, what are we gonna do
now? I just need a minute to think.
What? What the...
Holy shit!
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex!
What the hell
are you guys doing?
What do you mean?
We're makin' the room bigger!
Yeah, Thorgeous,
but this is my room.
Who's in charge of room
assignments around here, anyway?
Guys, I'd like you
to meet Rory.
She is the resident S.H.I.T.
room assignmenter.
And she'll be more than happy
to help you out with that. Okay?
Okay, uh, I... I guess
I'll show you your rooms.
Follow me.
Thanks.
Sorry about the wall.
Oh, it's fine.
Don't worry about it, man.
It happens all the time.
No problem.
Yeah, well, we actually
do have a problem...
...because you don't know
how to run a college.
It's fine. It's okay.
It's fine.
We'll just relax, get some sleep,
we'll regroup tomorrow morning.
It will be totally calm.
Ahoy! Scallywags
and scally-ladies.
Okay, dude, B, I'm with you
on this, I am.
But we need a plan, dude.
We need a plan now.
I know. I know.
I... I... I... I'm processing.
You're gonna need
to process faster.
What is... Why are the...
Find out what's going on.
- Yo!
- Ah, there's my college man.
How you doin', kid?
Dad, now is not the... The...
the best time to talk.
Hang on,
let me get your mother.
Can I have this?
Come here, let me talk to you.
Diane, pick up!
Honey! Is it you?
Stop yellin'
in the damn phone.
Oh, it feels like ages
since we've spoken to you.
How's school so far?
Oh, it's going great.
It's going really...
Hey, someone here
order two dozen kegs?
The... The... The old guy
with the hat, playing craps.
What the hell
was that?
Sounded like he said
something about two dozen kegs.
Bartleby, are you
experimenting with alcohol?
Aw, no, no, no.
He said two dozen eggs, Mom.
You misunderstood.
Two dozen eggs.
What took you so long?
I've been building
a thirst over there!
Hey, listen, I'm not paying for
you to be making omelets up there.
Tell me what classes
you're taking.
Classes?
Uh, right. I'm taking...
Statistics.
And, uh, business...
...and anatomy.
- Anatomy?
- Anatomy?
Thanks, dude.
Bartleby, Bartleby!
Yeah!
Hey. I always wanted
to go to college.
Couldn't get in
anywhere, though...
'cause I was in the military.
Oh.
Beverage ops.
I was snooping around,
saw something secretive.
Next thing I know
CIA swoops in...
...does this whole
brain-scramble thing.
Now I can't remember anything.
So do you have room
at the college for me?
You know what, we already
started the semester, I'm sorry.
That's cool, man.
Yeah.
It's just I... I got
my GI Bill...
...and I can pay you
all four years in advance.
Okay, you're in.
Yeah!
Yeah, welcome
to South Harmon. Whoo-hoo!
How's the processing?
I just have to figure
this whole college thing out.
Here at Harmon College,
we offer a highly structured...
...time-tested curriculum carefully
designed to stimulate the young mind.
So, Mr. Gaines, you're
thinking about transferring?
I don't know
about transferring.
My life is kind of, like,
a little weird right now.
But I just kind of
want to figure out...
...what all this
is all about.
Sorry.
A- And what college are you
attending right now? Sorry?
The college that you're... Oh,
it's down there. By the thing.
Pardon me?
I'd like to look around, if
that's okay. Uh, that's fine.
If that's what
you'd like to do.
Thank you. It was... It was,
uh, it was great to meet you.
Oh, shit. Sorry.
That's all right. No. You know
what? Leave them, leave them alone.
Leave it,
leave them alone.
And go on and take
your tour, okay?
A single rate of income tax
eliminates loopholes...
...allowances and exemptions...
...as well as
encourages payments...
...through use of
low interest rates...
...which theoretically
would cause...
...an economic boom.
Now if you would refer
back... Aw, shit. I'm sorry.
So theoretically
what I was saying was...
This guy's pretty boring.
Don't talk to me, man! Right,
this is gonna be on the midterm.
And my whole life is riding
on an A in this class.
This guy's...
EBITA!
What?
Earnings Before Interest,
Taxes and Amortization.
Good afternoon, students...
...and welcome, everyone
in the spillover class.
What the... What is this?
We'll begin today's lecture...
Okay, great, yeah. I'll see
you in the library at 8:00.
And I'll bring my notes.
Okay, see you then.
Bye, Monica.
Monica. Hey.
Bartleby. Hey, what, are you
stalking me or something?
Stalking's an ugly word.
I like to think of it more
like obsessively shadowing. Oh.
I'm thinking about going here,
so I'm checking out the classes.
Really? Yeah. Do you like all your classes?
Yeah. I mean, well,
I'm taking a bunch of classes...
...that I don't
really care about.
There was this one, though,
that I was dying to take.
But, um, I ended up not being
able to. But, you know, it's okay.
What was that one
that you wanted to take?
Uh, ph-photography. It's...
Really? That's cool.
Yeah.
What was the problem?
Well, see, there's this,
um, photojournalism class...
...but they said it's only
for journalism majors.
And then there's this
art photography class...
...but they said
it's for fine arts majors.
So my advisor said it would be best
not to take either one, or something...
...because certain
photography classes...
...don't apply
to a degree in photography.
Wow, that makes,
that makes no sense at all.
I know.
Um, but I'm really sorry.
I gotta go, I'm gonna be late for
my Ancient Roman History class.
It was good seeing you. Bye.
Okay. Bye.
Hey, uh...
I'm... I'm just saying, I
mean, is that what college is?
What were you expecting? A
renaissance of the human spirit?
American education
is in the shitter.
You know why?
Because people forget
the most important rule.
College is
a service industry.
A service industry?
As in "serve us," as opposed
to the other way around.
Look, you see
all these kids out here?
They all paid
to come here.
Right. They all paid for an experience.
What kind of experience?
The hell if I know.
I'm not a goddamn mind reader.
Well, maybe
I should just ask them.
Welcome to the conversation.
What do I want to learn?
Why are you asking me?
Well, I'm asking you, Glen,
because I have a hunch...
...that no one's ever really
asked you that before. Yeah?
Well, I like pancakes and
alfalfa sprouts and lemonade.
Okay, you know what, let's appropriate
the bulk of this man's tuition...
...to learning more
about the culinary arts.
Huh?
Food.
All right.
All right.
Rory. What about you?
Ever since nursery school,
every single waking moment...
...of every single day
has been scheduled.
So what do I want to do?
Nothing.
Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like
it. Hands, what about you?
Summer camp I made a paperweight
and won Camp Nagachewy's...
...coveted woodcarving award
and next day...
...ran a 4.6 forty and it's
been football ever since.
Mmm. Woodcarving, sculpting.
Good, something with your hands.
Well, there may be
something in there.
You can think about that, and
then get back to me. All right?
Schrader, what about you? Well,
B, I'm glad you asked, actually.
'Cause since
we're going to prison...
I'm gonna learn how to carve
a shank out of my toothbrush.
Okay, ha-ha. I'll tell you
something, though.
All our lives we've been told what to learn.
Well, today the tide
is gonna turn, my friend.
Because today
we're gonna ask the customer.
What do I want to learn?
What do I want to learn?
What am I interested
in studying?
Huh?
What?
W- What?
Come again.
That's a good question.
No, really, come again.
I thought you were
supposed to tell us.
Please come again!
I want to meet girls.
Girls.
Girls.
Some girls!
Uh, girls.
I wanna rock!
You know, and roll.
Well, as you can probably
tell at this point...
...is that I really want to learn
how to slow things down.
More speed.
More vert.
Maybe something
with clothes, you know?
Putting them on,
taking them off.
I'm really good at that part.
You wanna see?
I want to learn
how to blow shit up with my mind.
Okay. Well, write it on the board.
Go ahead.
Okay, thanks. Okay.
All right.
Thank you, smiley.
Pleasure doing business
with you.
Yeah, buddy.
Taxes? I'll tell you
about that nonsense.
If you're rich,
the government'll protect...
...every buck you make
and every shit you take.
Kiki Dee.
Got a job for you, kid.
New school colors and logo.
You're in charge.
Really?
Don't screw it up.
I won't screw it up,
I... I won't screw anything...
What are you?
Health insurance, my ass.
They don't pay for shit!
You get sick on a Friday, they only
pay for Monday through Thursday.
You go to Dr. A,
they only pay for Dr. B.
You break your penis,
they only fix vaginas.
You mind if I join you?
Ah, cool. Awesome.
Thank you, that was great!
I'll see you guys later.
Okay, bye.
That's pretty, uh...
I know, right?
That's African
fertility sculpture.
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
The wood speaks to me.
The wood speaks to you?
Ladies and gentlemen,
the new S.H.I.T. Line.
Thank you.
What is learning?
It's paying attention!
It's opening yourself up to this great
big ball of shit that we call life!
And what's the worst thing that
can happen? You get bit in the ass!
Well, let me tell you, my
ass looks like hamburger meat...
...but I can still sit down!
I can't believe
this is a class.
Yeah.
Look what I did.
Ugh. What are those?
I call 'em GlenWads.
They contain every delicious flavor
in every single bite. Try one.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
They look disgusting.
This shit will get you high
on flavor alone.
Glen, I love
your Wads. Hmm.
Glen.
This is like the most... Literally the
most incredible thing I've ever eaten.
Heads up, bro.
Whoa.
And it's so easy to swallow. Mmm. Wow, Glen.
Uh, excuse me. Thanks, buddy.
Sure.
Hey, how's it going?
Hey.
Can I help you with something?
Aren't you that guy?
No, I don't think so.
You're not?
I'm not what?
I saw you at rush.
What are you doing here?
I'm eating a Wad, man.
What are you doing here?
Wait... wait, let me guess.
You want me
to sign your petition...
...banning minorities
from your yacht club. No?
I am the chairman,
actually...
...of the Student Community Outreach
Committee at Harmon College.
Ah! That was my next guess.
My next guess.
That sounds very important.
As a matter of fact, it is!
That's why I said it.
And Harmon wants
to buy this property...
...so do you know where I
could find the lease holder?
I do.
Well, could you tell me?
Oh, yeah, I could.
I could, Gunther.
Okay, well,
are you going to tell me?
No. I'm not gonna tell you.
I will tell you this.
The lease holder's not interested
in relocating at any point.
So thanks for asking,
and have a good day.
And enjoy the game show
that you host. Bye-bye.
Oh, look out.
Open it.
Ah. Thank you for coming by.
Have a good day.
I'm gonna go enjoy my Wad.
Hey! What the hell
is this place?
South Harmon Institute of
Technology. The best college ever.
Is this a test?
Hey, Sperminator.
South Harmon?
Knock, knock.
Oh, hey, Gwynn.
Hey. Hey, what are you doing
up here all by your lonesome?
You know, you're
missing the whole party.
Hey, have you ever heard of the
South Harmon Institute of Technology?
No. How come?
No reason.
Hey, pledge.
Hello, knights of freedom.
Sperman, do you know
why you're dressed like this?
Because it's required
for brotherhood.
Drink this.
Okay.
No, wait.
There you go.
Good addition, sir.
Hey, Hoyt.
Hey, what are you doin'?
Oh-oh. Hoyt.
Monica. Hold on. Shit!
Harmon Gateway, my ass.
Let me tell you something.
That's the kind of group-think mob
mentality that's dumbing down America...
...and flushing your brains
down the toilet.
B! We have a problem.
Virgin daiquiri.
And easy on the lime there,
Eraserhead.
Comin' right up.
Lizzie.
What are you doing here?
You mean I can't swing by and
visit my big brother at college?
You are in college,
aren't you?
What is that
supposed to mean?
Come on, Bartleby.
The jig's up.
I'm telling Mom and Dad.
Uh, listen,
w- w-what do you want?
$20,000.
What? No way!
That's insane. Come on.
I'm not gonna
play your little game.
I'm not gonna
give you a cent.
How do you like that? How
do you like them apples, huh?
Fortunately, Mom and Dad
are on speed dial.
Oh. I'll ask them to pick me up here.
Okay, you're gonna call
Mom and Dad, sure. Ringing.
You are bluffing
with the best.
You're very good, though.
I gotta give it to you.
Hi, Mom.
Okay, stop it.
Anything you want,
not money-related.
Your Razor scooter.
Done.
And a fake ID.
No! That's ridiculous.
I'm not gonna let you drink.
It's so I can vote, dumbass.
Oh. Okay, deal.
You need a Razor scooter
to vote?
What do you mean,
they're a college?
They're called the South
Harmon Institute of Technology.
The South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
What is this,
some kind of joke?
No, I don't think it is, sir.
Mr. Ambrose,
that is the one building...
...standing between me
and the Van Horne Gateway.
Well, I don't know
what to tell you, sir.
Tell me that
you're not that naive.
Colleges don't just spring up
out of the ground overnight.
You're right.
You're right, sir.
I know I'm right!
All right, don't worry. I'll... I'll
figure a way to get them out of there.
What an excellent idea,
Mr. Ambrose.
That's the kind of thinking that
will get you into law school.
Coming through!
Ow!
Hey, what are you
doing here?
I just came to thank you
so much for my camera, B.
It was so sweet, thank you.
Come on. Please, I figured, who
needs a life's savings, right?
Actually, I had a really
hard time finding this place.
You... You guys aren't listed
in the phone book...
...and nobody really seems
to know about you guys.
Yeah, yeah, we're... we're
a pretty well-kept secret.
Well, let me... Let me show
you the rest of the place.
Sure. Really?
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
Great.
Great.
Let's, let's go.
All right.
Two lava flows.
Thank you.
And keep your voice down.
People are playing.
Okay. Thanks, buddy. Mmm.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
He makes a mean drink.
Yeah. It's great.
All right. Hello.
How do you like your drink?
Yeah, it's really good, Glen.
Thanks.
Does she like hers?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, she...
Yeah, it's great.
Thank you.
Okay, great, thanks.
Okay, pal. Okay.
Ah, Glen.
Wait. So this is
your course guide?
Yeah, this is
a new pilot program.
See, the administration wanted
us to create our own classes...
...so we just, uh,
write 'em on the board.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow, that's so cool, B.
Hey, why don't you sign up for one? No, no.
Come on. Sign up for one.
No. No, Bartleby, no.
It... It's painless. I insist.
Oh, really?
Even if you don't sign up for
one you'll go on a fun ride.
Okay.
Just stop me when you see
something that you like.
Okay. Oh, I like this one.
"Men: The Weaker Sex. "
Give me a pen.
Oh.
B, there can't honestly be a
class called "Bullshitting 236."
What about "The Decline
and Fall of Chevy Chase"?
There's a wait list
for that one.
What?
Are... Are you okay?
What?
What the hell happened?
An explosion of flavor!
I'm working with some
very unstable herbs!
Wait, wait, wait.
So you're telling me...
...that there are no tests,
or essays...
...or required reading,
or any of that nonsense?
That's what I'm sayin'. Wow. Ever?
Yeah. Never ever.
Ask me about my wiener!
That's amazing.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Oh, no.
Ask me about my wiener!
What the...
Ask me about my wiener!
Schrader?
Oh, hey, B. Hi.
And Monica.
Hey. Why... Why are you wearing this?
Every single brother in my
fraternity has worn this suit.
President James Garfield wore
this suit like a gentleman.
Oh, yeah,
and look what happened to him.
He got assassinated
by Charles Guiteau.
Don't ask me
how I know that.
Do me a favor, ask me about
my wiener really quickly.
Schrader, no.
Guys, my brothers could be
watching me right now.
Just ask me
about my wiener, please.
Why are you doing this? What do you mean?
Come on. You're...
This...
You're humiliating
yourself, buddy.
You know what, B.
Don't mess with me!
These are the happiest times
of my life, all right?
Schrader. I'm so happy, I'm the happiest.
I'm happy!
Hey! Ask me about my wiener!
S.H.I.T. Rag.
Hot off the presses.
Here you go, B.
Thanks, Boner.
The S.H.I.T. Rag?
Yeah, come on, every school's
gotta have a paper.
There's a great op-ed piece in there
about not believing everything you read.
It's really provocative.
As your de facto consigliere my advice
to you is to shut this down immediately.
And my advice to you
is to stop worrying...
...before you
spontaneously combust.
Yes, but you can't
just do this.
To be a real college...
...you have to go through the
appropriate legal channels.
You need to be accredited.
Well, yeah,
could you take care of that?
Hey, B.
Pancho, looking good, pal.
Who's that?
Spank me.
That's, uh, the mascot.
Oh, it's the mascot?
Yeah.
A sandwich?
Yes.
You're the S.H.I.T. Sandwiches? Yes, we are.
You are taking this
way too far.
How so?
Oh, I don't know, man.
Maybe it's the pool,
or the half-pipe.
That's not in the budget. I'm
re-investing in their education.
Those are South Harmon
cornerstones there.
Yes, but you're overlooking
zoning requirements...
...noise permits,
there are insurance issues.
Come on. Insurance?
What's gonna happen?
Oh, shit.
Wow.
Yeah!
Aw, shit.
We gotta do it again, dudes.
Left the lens cap on.
No, you didn't!
Damn!
You know what? You're absolutely
right. This has gone way too far.
And I think we need to do
something about it ASAP.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Is this great
or is this great?
It's pretty cool, man,
but I gotta go.
The Roaring '20s is B.K.E.'s
biggest party of the year.
And we're recreating the
scene from The Untouchables...
...where Roy,
as Bobby De Niro...
...crushes my skull
with a baseball bat.
Wow, what an
incredible honor.
Could you sign a copy
of your book for me?
I got it on eBay.
They sell my shit on eBay?
You wrote a book?
Yeah.
But that was back
when I was drinking.
Come on, Glen, you can't
keep stringing us along.
Which one of us
is it going to be?
Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Quiet, shh!
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give
it up for your fearless leader...
Bartleby Gaines.
Come on up here, buddy!
Aw, man.
Thanks. Thank you.
Get up here!
Come on up!
I know you know this one!
Go. Go up there right now.
Go, man, go!
How you doin'?
Yeah! You the man.
I'm going
to have that.
Shut up.
Look, where the hell
is everybody at?
You! Hey.
Hey.
How are you?
Aw, God, look,
where the hell is everybody?
This is the biggest
party of the year, guys.
Band, hey!
Ah, you want to start
playing some music, please?
Hey.
Hoyt, hey.
There's, like, some big party
down the hill.
Oh, that son of a...
Hey! B, oh, my gosh, that was fantastic.
Aw, my God, you saw that.
I'm embarrassed.
I don't know
what happened to me.
Someone possessed me, and... And it was
the spirit of Johnny Ramone, I think.
B, is there anything that
you're not incredibly amazing at?
Yeah, it's funny
you should ask.
There are very few things
I'm not very good at.
Off the top of my head I can think
of spelunking, uh, telekinesis...
...not crying at
the end of My Girl.
It gets me.
And dairy products.
Which is good, because you
know I'm not really in the mood...
...for any
dairy products tonight.
Well, let's see if we can
get you something else then.
Let's see.
All right.
This is my... Oh!
Ooh!
I'm okay, I'm okay. I keep
forgetting this opens out.
It happens all the time,
I gotta get used to it.
Oh, no.
And this is...
Mi casa.
Bartleby, uh, oh, my God,
this is amazing!
Huh? It's fine.
I mean, I like it 'cause
it's simple, and functional.
Provides a good safe workspace
for me to focus on my studies.
B, this is so cheesy,
in the greatest way.
There is nothing cheesy
about a clap-on disco ball.
Maybe it's a little bit much.
I've wanted one
since I was a kid, though.
Wait, is everybody's room at
South Harmon this incredible?
Well, at South Harmon
you're free...
...to kind of design
your own rooms, you know?
Whatever you're thinking,
whatever you're...
And I was thinking
clap-on disco ball.
How about that drink?
Can I get you a drink?
I would love a drink.
All right.
Ah, touch.
Ahh.
This party's
off the hook!
Hey, hey, hey, shut up!
All right.
Where is that asshole?
Co-Come on, Bartleby,
that was 7th grade.
Yeah, exactly,
that was my point.
Well, I will have you know... Oh, now...
...now I can't go back to your
past, but you can go back to mine.
That Christina Aguilera look did
very well for me, thank you very much.
Yeah, you did great,
you did great. I know.
I remember you making out with Pete
Goochman in Julie Posner's basement.
You were at that party?
Oh, even if I wasn't there,
I would have known about it.
It made headline news
at school.
And... And... And that day
something happened in my life...
...that I never thought
would happen.
I became envious of Pete
"The Gooch" Goochman.
Never thought
it would happen.
But I was like, "He got to
make out with Monica Moreland. "
Well, if you wanted to kiss me so
bad in the basement, why didn't you?
Well, 'cause the Gooch
beat me to it...
...and I was a little shy,
and, uh...
Well, you want to
kiss me now, don't you?
You look like Carly Simon!
If I could bang one woman in
the world it'd be Carly Simon...
...and you look like her!
Are you having fun?
I'm having so much fun.
Let's go find him.
Oh!
Oh, shit, oh, shit,
oh, shit, oh, shit.
Sorry. One sec.
Oh, shit.
Uh, I got a situation.
Come, come with me.
Okay.
Hey, have you
seen Schrader?
Excuse me.
Shit.
Monica?
What are you doing here?
Oh, you know, just picking up
my application for transfer.
You're telling me that
you're with this guy now?
Actually, Hoyt, um...
I'm telling you
it's none of your business.
It's none of my business? Yeah.
Oh, snap!
Hey, Hoyt, let me introduce
you to an old friend of mine.
The word "rejection. "
She can be a real bitch.
But you don't have
to give her roofies.
So you're not gonna like her. Ooh.
You want me to give you
something funny to laugh about?
You mean something funnier
than your future alcohol abuse?
Battle Royale!
Uh, shit.
Let's go, guys.
All right, come on, guys.
Let's get out of here.
Wow, Monica, you really know
how to pick 'em, don't you?
Have fun with these idiots!
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Thank you for comin'.
Guys, let's get
the music back up! Come on!
Wet T-shirt party!
Mom? Dad?
Gwynn.
Hi, there.
What are you doing here?
I'm your escort.
Induction night,
big guy.
B.K.E., B.K.E., brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!
B.K.E., B.K.E. Brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!
Sherman Schrader, you rock!
Aw, no! You guys rock!
Get ready to be inducted into
the brotherhood, you winner!
Yes! I want it! I want
everything you guys have. Whoo!
I want lilac shirts!
I want visors...
...kind of tilted to the side,
with hair gel coming out of it.
I want to have sex with girls
that look like this!
You rock!
I know I do!
You do, yeah, you do.
Do I get hair gel now, or do
I have to go and buy my own?
Did you crack him?
No.
We'll crack him.
Sherman, do you know how long
that this fraternity has survived?
Yes, sir.
153 majestic years, sir.
That is correct. Because it's
based on the most sacred principle...
...that brothers can share.
Trust.
And seriously, bro, I'm...
I'm beginning to question...
...whether or not
I can trust you.
'Cause we know you been hanging out
with those freaks down at the loony bin.
So with your allegiance
being called into question...
I just wanted
to ask you just one thing.
Paddle.
That's actually not a question. Shut up!
Are you with them...
...or are you with us?
Decent party.
Okay, I'll give you decent.
Hey, where is Schrader?
He should be here for this.
I don't know. I haven't
seen him in a couple of days.
I hope he's not sick.
Okay. Quick, quick, quick,
everybody say "Cheers"!
Hey, "quick, quick, quick,"
get up in here.
No.
Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, yes. Come over here. Okay.
Gotta up
the gorgeous quotient.
Okay. Get ready and now.
Cheers!
Schrader.
Schrader, come on, open up.
What are you...
What the hell happened to you?
Nothing. Just a little ritual
bonding over at the B.K.E. House.
What?
What are you talking about?
They kicked my ass, until I
told them all about South Harmon.
Oh, shit.
They took my laptop,
the mailing list, everything.
Shit. Man, I'm sorry.
All I ever wanted was a
run-of-the-mill college experience.
But not me, right?
I can't have that.
Not me!
'Cause I'm too busy getting
the shit kicked out of me...
...and being an accomplice
to fraud!
Does the run-of-the-mill
college experience...
...include stripping you
of your dignity?
Totally humiliating you, making you
wear a... A... A frigging hot dog suit?
It's a tradition.
A tradition?
Yes. I got a tradition for you.
Schrader, you've been my best
friend since we were 5 years old.
That's the only tradition
I know.
I just messed up.
I really messed up.
How? What happened?
With Schrader.
I know Bartleby
is by the pool.
Oh, my God.
What is it? Cops?
Worse. Parents.
Mom! Dad! Great!
Hey, guys.
Bartleby! Hiya, kid!
Hey, oh, it's so good
to see you!
Oh, it's great to see you.
Ow. You look thin.
There's five good ones right
there for my college boy, huh?
Hey, hey, Dad.
Wha... What... What... What
are you doing here?
Well, Parents' Day.
What a wonderful idea on the
part of the college, you know?
Yeah.
Oh, right.
Parents' Day.
Of course.
Hello, everyone.
Now, welcome to Parents' Day.
And, uh, we're very glad
you could be here.
Um, we have a wonderful
guided tour planned...
...a- Around the grounds
and the campus...
Show you what we've been
working on all year.
So, welcome one and all.
Excuse me, everyone.
May I have
your attention, please?
Oh, shit.
I knew I smelled bacon.
My name is Richard Van Horne.
Oh, Van Horne, yes.
The... The dean of Harmon
College, our big sister school.
Give him a round of applause.
He's earned it.
Thank you for comin' by.
Great to see him here.
They are our
big sister school...
...and we are honored
by their presence.
Thank you for that nice introduction,
young man, but the joke is over.
Ladies and gentlemen...
South Harmon
Institute of Technology...
...is not the sister school
of Harmon...
...or of anything else,
for that matter.
More like cousins.
Thank you for coming.
It is not accredited.
Any...
Nor is it truly
an educational institution.
Is this true, Bartleby?
It is a sham, a fraud...
...that undermines the efforts
of real colleges everywhere...
...and I invite you
to confirm that...
...with the State Board
of Accreditation.
To all those students
who have been duped...
...good luck applying
to schools next year.
And to Mr. Gaines I say you will
be hearing from our attorneys.
Wow, Parents' Day. Man, I wish
I would have thought of that.
Oh, that's right, I did.
Oh, and by the way...
...if you, uh, if you see
that lease holder of yours...
...will you tell him that his
lease automatically breaks...
...when he's found
guilty of fraud?
Cool. Thanks, D.
Er, was it G?
That's right, it's F.
See you, F.
Guys, I can explain.
Mmm-mmm.
You have done some stupid
things in your life, Bartleby...
...but this...
You get your stuff together.
You meet us in the car.
This is unconscionable.
Ridiculous.
Hey.
So...
...none of this was real?
That's not true.
Wait, Monica. Monica, wait.
Monica.
Sorry, man.
It's cool. We tried.
Have you completely
lost your mind?
Guys, the state defines
a college as a body of people...
...with a shared common purpose
of a higher education.
Well that's us, isn't it?
I mean, you know, with the word
"higher" kind of loosely defined.
Uh, yeah.
He's completely lost his mind.
No, no. Listen,
all we have to do...
...is go before
the state accrediting board...
...with a licensed administrator,
and just present our case.
B, look, let's just cut
our losses, okay?
What are we
talking about here, huh?
We're talking about
a stupid piece of paper.
I mean,
if a stupid piece of paper...
...is what's gonna
make us acceptable...
...then let's go for it.
Why not?
'Cause you gotta remember, it's
not just about us anymore, okay?
It's about everyone
who went to South Harmon.
Ah, great speech.
I was inspired,
I felt inspired by it.
Thanks a lot,
I'm... I'm taking it on tour.
What are you doing here?
Aw, I don't know. I had...
I had to pick up some stuff.
Some sage. Eggplant.
Olive oil. Some Funyuns.
Wait a minute.
Come on!
You're the one that applied
for accreditation, aren't you?
Well, someone had
to do it, you know?
We all can't live
with our heads up our asses.
I disagree.
I... I don't get it, man.
You said you didn't wanna
be a part of this thing.
I didn't want to have
anything to do with it.
I wanted to be the fourth generation
of Schrader to go to Harmon.
But then I realized...
I would much rather be the
first generation of Schrader...
...to go to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
I said it, okay?
I said it.
So you're saying...
...you're saying
you want to be a S.H.I.T. Head?
I'm sayin' I want to be
a S.H.I.T. Head.
I wanna be a S.H.I.T. Head.
Yeah, man, well, it's good
to have you back, buddy.
Yes.
Yeah!
Yay!
All right,
so we're doing it.
Thanks to this S.H.I.T. Head,
we got a hearing set for Friday.
Don't sweat it, kid.
I'm all over it.
All right, please remember,
Ben, this is serious, all right?
If this doesn't work,
I'm going to prison.
Oh, don't worry, you're
young. Your butt can take it.
Hello, sir. Um,
we're from South Harmon.
We have a 3:00
in Hearing Room A.
Okay, actually your meeting room's
been changed to the Grand Hall.
Why the change?
It's bigger.
How did they...
Rory called them.
The whole school?
I had to do something.
This meeting of the State Board
of Education will come to order.
Today we'll be hearing
the case for accreditation...
...for the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
Your case for accreditation
is being contested...
...by Dean Richard Van Horne...
...representing Harmon College.
Loser. Loser.
In order to become accredited...
...a school must meet
three requirements.
You must have a facility,
a curriculum and a faculty.
Please state your case.
You're on, kid.
What? Wha... I thought you were
gonna handle this. What are you doing?
Rule number one,
lead with your star witness.
Nobody knows South Harmon and
these kids better than you.
So, it's showtime.
Let's kick some ass.
You're gonna be great, man.
Just go do your thing.
Sling some bull.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Uh...
...ladies and gentlemen of the panel,
thank you for meeting with us.
Um, my name's Bartleby Gaines
and I'm the co-founder of...
South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
Sorry. Friends of mine.
Um, I'm... I'm sorry,
first of all...
...w- what were those
three things that you listed?
A facility, a curriculum
and a faculty.
Facility, right.
Okay, well,
we definitely have a facility.
Uh, we have a common room,
we have dorm rooms.
Uh, we have
a skateboard ramp.
We got a tiki bar. Umm...
They have leased
an old mental hospital.
They have none of the
traditional support facilities...
...or resources.
Mr. Gaines, do you have a
formal athletic facility?
Okay, uh,
by formal you mean...
No. No, we don't.
A library?
No.
A health services center?
No.
No.
Your curriculum?
Our curriculum?
Yes.
Do you have a course book? A comprehensive
list of your available classes?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Uh, Sunshine. Can you...
What is this?
Our curriculum. These are the
courses we offer at South Harmon.
This is a joke.
"Slacking 101"?
Uh, tell me, Mr. Gaines...
...how does one major
in bumper stickers?
Sir, um...
I'm sorry, Mr. Gaines.
I fail to see any merit...
...or scholastic value in
anything listed on that board.
Okay, uh, guys,
you want to help me out here?
In "Taking A Walk
and Thinking About Stuff,"
...we get to think about what
we want to do with our lives...
...in a stress-free environment.
"Let It Speak To You 202" is an art
class in which we discover our talents...
...by examining our
personal life experiences.
In "Skateboarding 234" we built a ramp
that teaches us about engineering...
And physics.
And aerodynamics.
In "Rock Our Faces Off 222"
...we listen to the music and
lyrical angst of a lost generation.
And we rock our faces off.
They do.
Do you have
faculty present?
Yes, we do, sir.
Faculty, stand.
What is the meaning
of this?
See, at South Harmon, sir,
the students are the teachers.
Aw, this is preposterous.
Students are not
and cannot be teachers.
Dean Van Horne
is right.
You must have a faculty as defined by
the state, or you cannot be accredited.
Mr. Gaines, have you
employed a faculty or not?
Um...
Present and accounted for.
Oh, for God's sake.
Dr. Alexander, this man has not been
a part of academia for three decades.
We were on the faculty together
at Harmon in our late 20s...
...and he washed out.
He's a drunk, he's a degenerate,
and he's looney tunes.
Hey, asshole! You're talking
about my mom's brother!
Oh, sit down!
Okay.
Hey! Why don't you take your
PhD and shove it up your A-S-S?
Settle down
right this minute!
Dean Lewis! Sit down.
Order!
Couldn't help myself.
So, is that it,
Mr. Gaines?
You have one formal teacher
for upwards of 300 students?
Mr. Gaines.
Answer the question.
Nah, I'm not gonna
answer your question...
'cause you guys have
already made up your minds.
I'm an expert in rejection...
...and I can see it
on your faces.
And it's too bad that you
judge us by the way we look...
...and not by who we are.
Just because you want us
to be more like them...
...when the truth is
we're not like them.
And I am damn proud
of that fact.
Rock on!
I mean...
Harmon College and their... And
their 100 years of tradition.
But tradition of what?
Of hazing kids...
...and humiliating anyone
who's a little bit different?
Of putting
so much pressure on kids...
...they turn into these... These
stress freaks and caffeine addicts.
Your phony school demeans
real colleges everywhere!
Why? Why can't
we both exist? Huh?
You can have your grades,
and your rules...
...and your structure,
and your ivory towers...
...and then we'll do things
our way.
Why do we have to conform
to what you want?
Your curriculum is a joke,
and you, sir, are a criminal.
You know what?
You're a criminal.
'Cause you rob these kids of
their creativity and their passion.
That's the real crime!
Yeah.
Maybe he's right.
Well, what about you parents?
Did... Did the system
really work out for you?
Did it teach you
to follow your heart...
...or to just play it safe,
roll over?
What about you guys?
Did you always want to be
school administrators?
Dr. Alexander,
was that your dream?
Or maybe no,
maybe you wanted to be a poet.
Maybe you wanted to be
a magician or an artist.
Maybe you just wanted
to travel the world.
Look, I... I... I... I lied to you.
I lied to all of you,
and I'm sorry.
Dad, especially to you.
But out of that desperation,
something happened that was so amazing.
Life was full
of possibilities.
A- A-And isn't that what you
ultimately want for us?
As parents, I mean, is...
is that, is possibilities.
Well, we came here today
to ask for your approval...
...and something
just occurred to me.
I don't give a shit!
Who cares about your approval?
We don't need your approval to
tell us that what we did was real.
'Cause there are so few truths
in this world...
...that when you see one,
you know it.
And I know that it is a truth...
...that real learning
took place at South Harmon.
Whether you like it or not,
it did.
'Cause you don't need teachers
or classrooms...
...or... Or fancy highbrow traditions
or money to really learn.
You just need people with a
desire to better themselves...
...and we got that
by the shitload at South Harmon.
So you can go ahead,
sign your forms...
...reject us and shoot us down,
and do whatever you gotta do.
It doesn't really matter
at this point.
Because we'll never
stop learning...
...and we'll never stop growing...
...and we'll never forget the
ideals that were instilled in us...
...at our place.
'Cause we are
S.H.I.T. Heads now...
...and we'll be
S.H.I.T. Heads forever...
...and nothing you can say
or do or stamp...
...can take that away from us!
So go!
Go ahead!
Everyone...
...please, quiet down.
Everyone, please
quiet down.
Quiet down. Please.
Thank you.
Mr. Gaines...
...your presentation
was unorthodox...
...to say the least...
...and your methodology is...
questionable at best.
However...
...the true purpose of education
is to stimulate the creativity...
...and the passions
of the student body.
And in that regard
you have certainly succeeded.
This board does not
reject innovation...
...but it must be
watched carefully.
Therefore...
...the South Harmon
Institute of Technology...
...will be granted a one-year
probationary period...
...in which to continue
its experimental programs.
Don't be so quick to judge
us by the way we look.
Congratulations.
Mr. Gaines?
Trombone.
What?
I wanted to play
jazz trombone.
It's never too late, sir.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
I don't know. There were just
a lot of things in my life...
...that I thought were real
that ended up being fake.
So, why can't the opposite
be true?
This is not your orientation.
This is your disorientation.
You have been orientated
for years.
Don't come up to me, go
"Where am I gonna get that?"
I'm not interested!
You figure it out.
I only wanted big things for you, Bartleby.
I'd say this is pretty big.
Thanks, Dad.
Ah!
Thanks, Pop.
Okay, honey, I want you
to have a good semester.
Okay, I will. I love you.
Lizzie, up top.
Wasn't enthusiastic,
but I'll take it.
And I appreciate the smile.
Schrads! Hey, no time for
chit-chat, my friend.
I'm teaching "Skepticism 401."
Sha-mon!
At South Harmon,
we like to begin each semester...
...by clearing our minds
and doing some deep breathing.
I got 85 pork tenderloins with
balsamic vinegar demiglaze. Ka-blam!
Eddie, we gotta pack these
paninis for Rory's nature walk.
Pronto!
And someone get a rabbi down
here to bless this chicken.
Tomorrow we're gonna
go kosher.
South Harmon actually
allowed me the opportunity...
...to rediscover my passion
for the arts.
So I urge you guys to do the
same. Let it come from the heart.
Let it come from inside. And...
And let the art speak for itself.
You agree?
Watch... Watch the tip.
Excuse me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
If you're gonna take my picture,
you gotta take it from my good side.
Um, so there wouldn't
happen to be anybody around...
...that could show me to my
new dorm room, would there?
As fate would have it, I recall
your room being right next to mine.
Really? They're not adjoining
though, right?
Oh, no, no, no. That would
be totally unacceptable.
And do me a favor.
Enjoy your time here.
You got four years, these are
the best years of your life.
And then, you're.
I told you.