1
DO YOU KNOW
HOW TO LICK IT?
[ALARM CLOCK]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
CRAP.
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
YOU LEFT THE
WRONG KEY AGAIN.
I NEED THE BIN TOMORROW.
AND THE DRIVER SIDE
WINDOW'S FUCKED.
NO, STEVE'S
GOT IT TOMORROW.
YOU JUST HAVE TO
SHIMMY THE WINDOW.
HOW'S WEDNESDAY
FOR YOU?
I REALLY NEED
IT TOMORROW.
PLUS, I CAN HOOK YOU
WITH THAT KARA GIRL.
LESS PERSIAN-LOOKING
VERSION OF - WHAT'S HER NAME?
BROWN HAIR,
KINDA "TALKS LIKE THIS"?
I HAVE TOO
MUCH HOMEWORK.
I'LL GET YOU
A TUTOR!
HAVE YOU EVER
HAD SEX?
-YEAH!
IT'S WONDERFUL!
YEAH!
I GOT A LITTLE BIT IN
WITH TRITON PATTY ONE NIGHT.
BUT SHE WAS DRUNK,
I HAD A COUPLE BEERS.
I'VE FELT GUILTY
EVER SINCE.
PLUS, IF MY GPA
GOES BELOW 4.0,
THEN DEAN THEATARD'S GONNA
TAKE AWAY MY SCHOLARSHIP.
GLENN, I CAN'T.
THEN WHO'S
GOT IT TONIGHT?
I WILL GE BACK TO YOU.
DON'T SELL ME
A SOUP-SANDWICH.
YOU SAID YOU
HATE SUNDAYS.
I SAID I HATE
SCHOOL NIGHTS.
YOU DON'T EVEN
LISTEN TO ME.
YOU CAN HAVE
SUN-DAY.
I WANT SUN-NIGHT.
DON'T RAISE
YOUR VOICE AT ME.
FUCK IT.
WHATEVER.
JUST GET ME
SUN-NIGHT.
LET ME GE BACK TO YOU.
OH!
WE'RE SURROUNDED BY A BUNCH
OF FUCKIN' THESPIANS.
WHO'S GOING
TO CHURCH SUNDAY?
UH, SANTA CLAUS.
BRING THE SLEIGH
TO THE NORTH POLE.
WHEN?
CHRISTMAS EVE.
LET ME GE BACK TO YOU.
IF I BRING THE BIN
TO THE PARTY TONIGHT,
SAL WILL GIVE
STEVE HIS SUNDAY.
NOW, COULD YOU DO THURSDAY
INSTEAD OF TONIGHT?
YES, YOU SHOULD COME
TO THE PARTY
AND YOU SHOULD
BRING YOUR VAN.
BRIAN, I'M CONCERNED
ABOUT YOU.
HEY, SO I'M TRYING TO MOVE
SOME STUFF AROUND
SO YOU CAN HAVE
THE BIN TONIGHT.
I WANNA OPEN SOME FUCKIN'
PRESENTS TONIGHT.
SANTA CLAUS
WANTS EASTER,
THE PILGRIM WANTS
THANKSGIVING.
OK. OK. OK.
KEEP ME POSTED.
THE BIN'S AT THE PARTY
TONIGHT FOR SAL.
WILL YOU GIVE YOUR
THURSDAY TO GLENN?
WAS THAT SO HARD?
ARE YOU ACTUALLY GOING TO SE IN FOOT IN THE PARTY THIS TIME?
LET ME GE BACK TO YOU.
CONFIRMING SATURDAY
AND THURSDAY.
YOU'RE THE BEST!
STEVE, CONFIRMING SUNDAY,
MONDAY AND FRIDAY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
ONE MORE TARDY
AND YOU GET "REO".
[MUSIC]
[DOG BARKING]
[MUSIC]
WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME?
(MOM) I DON'T KNOW,
YOUR AUNT NANCY SAID I CAN
STAY AS LONG AS I NEED TO.
I JUST WORRY
ABOUT YOU ALL ALONE.
DID YOU GET THA ENVELOPE I LEFT YOU?
YEP.
THANKS FOR THE LUNCH MONEY...
(MOM) I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
ARE YOU, OK?
(MOM) YEAH I'M FINE.
(MOM) NO, I'VE JUS BEEN CONCERNED
ABOUT YOU BEING ALONE...
AND I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD BE DOING THIS
WHAT? I DON'T NEED
A BABYSITTER...
(MOM)
NO, BENNY'S COMING HOME.
HE IS?
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
IT'S JUST A PARTY...
RELAX...WHEW!
[AMBIENT PARTY SOUNDS]
[AMBIENT PARTY SOUNDS]
[AMBIENT PARTY SOUNDS]
THOUGHT SO.
SHOES OFF.
NEW SALVAGED
DRIFTWOOD FLOOR.
COPS OUTSIDE?
I DON'T THINK SO.
MATTER OF TIME.
GOD DAMN ANIMALS INSIDE.
DID YOU SEE
THAT GIRL.
DID I SEE
WHAT GIRL?
DO I EVEN
GIVE A SHIT?
IS SAL HERE?
YOUR HEAD LOOKS
LIKE FRANKENSTEIN.
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
PIECE OF SHI WON'T START!
JUST "JIGGLE" IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHA THE FUCK THAT MEANS!
YEAH!
JUST JIGGLE IT SAL!
YOU SMELL LIKE BOOZE!
THERE'S NO WAY
YOU'RE DRIVING.
''CAUSE SHE LICKED ME!
[STARTS ENGINE]
OH!
UGH!
WHOAH!
[TIRES SCREECH]
[CRASH!]
[SCREAM!]
AH, Fee-yuk....
LET'S GE OUT OF HERE.
[TOW TRUCK BEEP]
(OFFICER TOTSCH) SO WHA HAPPENED WITH THE DEER?
IT JUST RAN
OUT IN--
INTO THE MIDDLE
OF THE ROAD.
UH, HUH.
HEY, SAL.
THANKS FOR RUINING THE PARTY,
RIGHT WHEN IT WAS GETTING GOOD.
ALRIGHT, JAGOFFS!
KNOCK IT OFF!
HALLOWINSKI!
BRIAN,
WERE YOU DRINKING?
NO. I SWEAR,
OFFICER TOTSCH.
COUNT BACKWARDS
FROM TEN.
NINE...
EIGHT...
SEVEN--
YOU MISSED TEN.
I GOING TO ADMINISTER
A BREATHALYZER.
NO, I SWEAR I DIDN' DRINK ANYTHING!
THEN WHERE ARE
YOUR SHOES?
STOP HYPERVENTILATING.
BRIAN,
SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
0.0? WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU A NARC?
[DOG BARKING]
[CAR ENGINE]
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
HEY THERE.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
INTERESTING NIGHT.
HAD A DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE
OVER BY ST. JULIANNA.
GOT OUT OF CONTROL
REAL FAST.
YOUR MA CALLED ME
ABOUT HELPING TO FIX
THE BATHROOM DOOR THIS WEEK.
IT'S OKAY,
I'LL FIX IT.
IT AIN'T THE END OF THE WORLD
IF I FIX THE DOOR, BRIAN.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
BUT, THANKS.
IS YOUR
BROTHER HOME?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
THE SAME THING
THAT I TOLD THAT J.O.
WHEN HE WAS YOUR AGE:
IF YOU START FUCKIN' AROUND,
I WILL KNOCK YOUR DICK OFF.
YOU'VE HAD A ROUGH
COUPLE YEARS.
I KNOW YOU MAY NO WANT TO TALK TO A MEMBER
OF THE ILLINOIS LAW
ENFORCEMENT COMMUNITY,
BUT THERE'S A FIRST TIME
FOR EVERYTHING.
IF YOU WANT, WE'LL GO
GET A BEEF SANDWICH
AND DO SOME
PROBLEM-SOLVING.
OR IF YOU WANT TO TALK
TO SOMEBODY ELSE,
THERE'S "JESUS AND ME"
OVER AT MARY SEAT.
BUNCH OF KIDS GET TOGETHER
AND TALK ABOUT WHA MAKES 'EM FEEL BAD...
AND JESUS.
MAYBE I'LL CHECK IT OUT.
THANK YOU.
TALK ABOUT GOD
AND SHIT.
GOOD NIGHT.
GET SOME SLEEP YOU
LITTLE PIMP.
[ALARM CLOCK TICKING]
[ALARM GOING OFF]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
HEY BUD.
I THOUGHT THAT WE TALKED
ABOUT NOT PARKING IN THE LOT?
YEAH, I CAN'T BE
LATE TO CLASS.
YOU GUYS CAN'T USE
THE VAN ANYMORE.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
MEANING TO TELL YOU
ABOUT THESE MUSHROOMS
THAT KEEP GROWING IN
THE BACK ON THE CARPET.
WAIT, WHAT DID
YOU SAY?
I'M RETIRING THE SIN BIN.
YOU'RE MESSING
WITH ME?
YOU'RE NO MESSING WITH ME?
YOU KNOW, I NEED
TO GET OUT THERE.
SO I WENT OUT WITH YOU GUYS,
AND I SEE A CUTE GIRL
AND THEN I HAVE TO TAKE
A SOBRIETY TEST.
WHICH GIRL?
DOESN'T MATTER.
OF COURSE IT MATTERS.
SUZIE KOSOLANSKY.
YOU'RE RIGHT,
SHE DOESN'T MATTER.
WHY DOESN' SHE MATTER?
BECAUSE SHE MATTERS
AND EVERYONE KNOWS THA AND YOU DON'T MATTER
AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT TOO.
I'M STILL
RETIRING THE BIN.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY
ONE OF US THAT HAS A CAR, BRIAN.
I MEAN, I LIVE WITH MY MOM
AND MY FOUR SISTERS.
HOW AM I EVER GOING
TO BRING A GIRL HOME?
LET ME GE BACK TO YOU.
[MUSIC]
[THROAT CLEARING]
[MUSIC]
PSSST!
[MUSIC]
WHAT'S UP?
AND HOW COME YOU GET TO WEAR
SNEAKERS WITH YOUR UNIFORM?
BECAUSE.
GREEN MILL, NORTH SIDE.
YOU'RE GONNA SEE
A MAN ABOUT A HORSE.
HALL PASS, IN CASE
YOU GET STOPPED.
I WROTE IT OU FOR THE DEAN'S OFFICE,
THE HALL MONITOR WILL ALREADY
THINK YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.
ALSO, I WAS HOPING YOU
COULD SWING BY MY LOCKER
AND DROP MY JACKET OFF.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
IT'S COOL.
LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY
HIT THE JACKPOT.
OH!
BRIAN DINES?
IT'S DIE-NESS.
SUZIE, RIGHT?
DEAN THEATARD?
AWW, SHIT!
I'LL COME WITH, I'LL GRAB
A JUICEBOX FROM THE CAFETERIA.
SO ARE YOU IN TROUBLE
WITH THE DEAN?
MISUNDERSTANDING
I THINK.
YOU HAD AN OLDER BROTHER
WHO WENT HERE, RIGHT?
YEAH,
HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?
I'VE HEARD THE LEGEND.
HE BURNT DOWN THE
BLEACHERS DIDN'T HE?
[CHUCKLES]
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE LOST HIS SCHOLARSHIP THOUGH,
THEY KICKED HIM OUT.
I'M A SCHOLARSHIP
KID TOO.
BUT, I GUESS SENIOR YEAR
DOESN'T MATTER.
SO THAT'S GOOD.
YEAH, HE WAS
A SOPHOMORE.
OH!
THIS IS YOUR STOP.
SORRY I CLEANED
YOUR CLOCK.
OH, IT'S TOTALLY
MY FAULT.
I'M SORRY.
THANKS!
THAT SHOULD HELP.
HI THERE.
I'M TONY CAITO.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
SIT.
PEANUT BUTTER PRETZEL?
NO.
[CRUNCH]
DO YOU KNOW WHA I DO AS STUDENT LIAISON?
NOT REALLY, NO.
IF YOU'RE BEING GOOD,
I'LL POINT THAT OUT.
IF YOU'RE BEING BAD,
WELL...
LIKE A... NARC?
NO, HATE THE WORD.
[DOOR OPENS]
THANKS.
GLENN SPEAKS
HIGHLY OF YOU.
OH, HE'S A NICE GUY.
WHY'D YOU TELL THE
COPS YOU WERE DRIVING?
I HEARD SAL
WAS DRIVING.
I ALSO HEARD HE
HAD BEEN DRINKING.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
SAL.
SHITEHAUS?
CLEAN IT UP.
WE ON THE SAME TRAIN?
SURE... SORRY.
UNDERAGE DRINKING CAN
BE BECOME A BIG PROBLEM,
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU
GUYS ON SCHOLARSHIP.
BETTER BE CAREFUL.
I GOT IT!
UM, IT'S ACTUALLY
SHYTHEHOFF... HOFF.
IT'S GERM-INDIAN.
MY DAD--
NO, NO, NO,
I DON'T CARE.
YEAH
OK.
WAY TO WASH YOUR HANDS,
TINY TIM.
I HAVE CLEANSER.
HOW'S IT WORK?
HOW DOES WHAT WORK?
WE SHOULD MOVE THE BIN.
I'M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB
AND SAY THAT AT LEAST 75%
OF THE SENIOR CLASS
IS SEXUALLY ACTIVE.
WOULD YOU AGREE?
I THINK THAT SEEMS EXCEEDINGLY
HIGH, DON'T YOU THINK?
I THINK THAT SEEMS
EXCEEDINGLY LOW, DON'T YOU?
IT'D BE SAFE TO SAY THAT YOU'RE
IN THE MINORITY PERCENTILE.
CORRECT?
IT'S TOTALLY COOL,
I'M NOT... JUDGING YOU.
TWO MONTHS AGO STEVE
AND I WERE PARTNERS
FOR AN ANCIENT CIVS PROJEC AND WE HAD TO MAKE
THIS REPLICATED-TO-SCALE
TROJAN HORSE OU OF PAPER MACHE'.
IT WAS ACTUALLY
KIND OF AWESOME,
EXCEPT, UH, I HAD TO DO
THE ENTIRE THING MYSELF.
AND THEN STEVE BORROWED THE VAN
TO MOVE THE MODEL TO HIS HOUSE.
THEN HE HAD SEX IN IT.
IN THE TROJAN HORSE?
NO, IN THE VAN.
RIGHT,
YOU SAID "TO SCALE".
THEN STEVE TOLD GLENN.
AND SAL.
OH, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE.
HEY-0H! HEY, KIM,
DO YOU HAVE A PASS?
MY CAR HAD A FLAT,
TONY, I SWEAR!
YEAH, I'M ONLY KIDDING.
YOU'RE STILL ADORABLE.
I'M TEASING YOU.
HE ALMOST DROVE HIS VAN THROUGH
A HOUSE THIS WEEKEND,
DO YOU BELIEVE IT?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
THAT'S CRAZY!
THAT IS CRAZY.
YEAH, THE COPS WERE GONNA
THROW HIM IN THE SLAMMER.
HE'S A WILD MAN.
WE JUST WANTED
TO SAY "HEY".
CUTE SHOES THOUGH.
THANK YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU,
BRIAN.
YEAH, YOU TOO.
SHE HAS THE NICEST,
SOFTEST REAR END.
I WANNA TONGUE-FUCK IT.
HOW COME YOU DON' DRIVE AN AUTOMATIC?
SAME REASON
I DON'T WEAR SHORTS.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC]
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
I CAN HELP YOU.
WITH WHAT EXACTLY?
I IMAGINE YOU DON'T RUN
INTO SPACIAL CHALLENGES,
PRIVACY ISSUES.
TEENAGERS ARE ALWAYS
LOOKING FOR PLACES
TO BRING THEIR
BOYFRIENDS, GIRLFRIENDS.
SEEING THAT IT'S
UNSEASONABLY NIPPY THIS YEAR,
I'D SAY THAT LIS IS PRETTY SHORT.
BETWEEN ME, YOU, THE HALL
AND THE WALL,
HER FATHER'S THE DEAN OF
ADMISSIONS AT NORTHWESTERN.
BUT, MORE THAN THAT,
SHE'S A REAL SWEETHEART,
SO I'M SPOKEN FOR.
IF I WERE YOU...
PING. PING. EHH...
I'D ACCEPT MY HELP.
HOW'S NINE O'CLOCK?
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
EVERWOOD CONDOM.
HELPS YOUR STUFF STAY
A LITTLE LONGER,
JUST PUT THE
RIGHT SIDE ON.
WHERE YOU TAKING ME?
EXTRA-CURRICULAR
ACTIVITIES DAY.
WE'RE GONNA
WORK THE ROOM.
JUST STAY CLOSE AND TRY
TO LOOK GENTLEMANLY.
[MUSIC]
I'M PULLED OVER
ON SHERIDAN.
COP COMES TO THE WINDOW
AND ASKS,
"HEY HAVE YOU FELLAS
BEEN DRINKING?"
"I HAD A FEW BEERS TONIGHT.
I'M NOT GOING TO LIE.
SPRING BREAK'S COMING UP,
FUCK IT, RIGHT?"
[MUSIC]
OH, WHO SAYS YOU GE TO SIT IN THE COCKPIT?
THE GUY HATES ME,
I DON'T WHY.
MAYBE IT'S THAT I'M A YOUNG GUY
IN A VINTAGE JAG
WITH A ROSIE THE RIVETER
BUMPER STICKER...
I DON'T KNOW.
POINT IS, I DON' KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I'M SPEECHLESS.
I'M NOT GOING TO CHOP
YOU UP OR ANYTHING.
NOW I DEFINITELY
DON'T WANNA GET IN.
[MUSIC]
DON!!
BRIAN LEANS IN
LIKE HE'S GONNA RUN SHIT.
HE KNOWS HE HAS TO BE
AGGRESSIVE, BE-BE-AGGRESSIVE.
[LAUGHTER]
[MUSIC]
YOU'RE NO DOING THAT RIGHT.
[EROTIC MOANS]
[MUSIC]
I'LL NOTIFY YOU
OF MY NEXT WHEREABOUTS.
BRIAN SAYS,
"WHY, ARE YOU BUYING?"
[LAUGHTER]
COP LEANS IN
AND STARES AT HIM,
HE DOESN'T TAKE HIS EYES OFF
HIS EYES, LIKE A FUCKING HAWK.
[MUSIC]
HEY!
BROTHER.
HI.
UM BENNY, I KNOW
YOU JUST GOT HOME
AND THIS MIGH SEEM WEIRD,
AND I ONLY ASK THIS BECAUSE MY
POCKETS ARE PISSING QUARTERS,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
TO MY LUNCH MONEY?
NO.
YES. I TOOK THE CASH
AND GAVE YOU SOME CHANGE
FROM MY
VENDING MACHINE.
FROM YOUR - OF COURSE YOU
HAVE A VENDING MACHINE.
IS IT IN
THE HOUSE?
NO, IT'S IN
THE BREAK ROOM
OF AN APPLIANCE
SHOP IN WISCONSIN,
WHICH IS GREAT BECAUSE
THEY'VE VOLUNTEERED TO GIVE US
A DISCOUNT ON ANY ELECTRICAL
NEEDS WE MIGHT HAVE.
THEY HAVE
EXCELLENT TELEVISIONS.
TOTSCH SAID
YOU CRASHED THE BIN.
KNOCK YOUR DICK OFF?
YEAH, OF COURSE--
SO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
IN THE BASEMENT.
NO, FOR LIKE
TWO AND A HALF YEARS.
AROUND.
HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING?
YES, I'VE BEEN WORKING.
I'VE WORKED.
PLUS THE VENDING MACHINE.
HAVE YOU TALKED
TO LAUREN?
DID I MAKE IT WEIRD?
NO, I DON'T TALK
TO HER.
HAVE YOU SEEN
MY BEANIE?
BEANIE?
MY BEANIE,
THAT WOOL HAT.
THE ONE WITH
THE SHIT ON IT.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
IS ALPHA-BRAN
THE ONLY CEREAL WE HAVE?
I REALLY ...
I HATE ALPHA-BRAN.
WHATEVER'S IN THE CABINET.
OK.
I'M GONNA LOOK
INTO THAT, LATER.
FOR THE HANDICAPPED
BATHROOM,
IF YOU NEED TO
TAKE A MINUTE.
THANKS.
THIS IS FRESHMAN PHIL, HE JUS TRANSFERRED FROM MOUNT CARMEL.
BUT THERE'S A MUSHROOM
PROBLEM IN THE BACK.
TERRIBLE GAS MILEAGE.
A GIRL LEFT HER
SHOE IN THE BIN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
IT'S A GIRLS?
WELL...
AND YOU DON'T LOOK
LIKE A SIZE SIX.
THAT'S VERY NICE
OF YOU TO SAY.
HOW DO YOU LEAVE
ONE SHOE?
PASSION.
TONY CAITO?
DEAN THEATARD.
HOW ARE YOU?
LET'S TOUCH SOME
SKY MY FRIEND.
YES!!!
HELLO, BRIAN.
HOW ARE YOU
MY FRIEND?
GOOD, GOOD.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
TOUCH SOME SKY?
SURE.
LET'S GO DADDY-O.
TOUCHING THE SKY!
SO, KEEPING THE 4.0
GOING THIS SEMESTER?
ABSOLUTELY, SIR.
THAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
YOU ARE COOKING WITH
HIGH-OCTANE GASOLINE,MY FRIEND!
AND, YOU GOT THIS GUY
LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.
YOU'RE SET.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
HAVE A NICE DAY?
IS THAT WHA YOU SAY?
YOU MAKE I A GOOD DAY!
IT'S UP TO YOU
WHAT YOU DO WITH TODAY.
TODAY'S A WONDERFUL DAY
TO BE ALIVE.
JUST CHECKING
YOU KIDS OUT,
SEEING WHA YOU'RE MAD OF.
GOOD WORK
TODAY GENTLEMEN.
MR. PHILABUSTERY....
YOUR HAIR LOOKS...
WRONG.
IT'S BEEN BOTHERING ME ALL DAY,
I LOOK LIKE A SALAMANDER.
I SAW YOU TALKING WITH KIM,
DID YOU USE THE STORY?
SMART WHORE THOUGH,
SHE'S GOING TO YALE.
HOW DO YOU
KNOW THAT?
I READ HER TRANSCRIPTS.
BECAUSE EVERYONE SAYS,
"LOOK AT THAT WHORE, KIM".
WHY YOU GOING
TO TELL ME THAT?
NOW I'M GONNA
FEEL BAD FOR HER.
BABY!
FUCK!.
HEEEEEY!!
I MADE LACTOSE-TOLERAN CARROT CAKE CUPCAKES FOR YOU!
O-M-GOD.
YOU'RE THE BEST!
SEE YOU IN
THE JOCK-LOT LATER.
I LOVE THE FUCKIN'
SHIT OUT OF YOU.
LOVE YOU TOO.
I FUCKIN' HATE
CARROT CAKE.
WHAT?!!
[CHANGE FALLING]
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I HAVE POCKETS.
ARE YOU IN
THIS CLASS NOW?
WE'RE GOING ON A FIELD TRIP
IN A COUPLE DAYS,
CHICAGO BOTANICAL GARDENS.
I USUALLY WALK
AROUND AND GET HIGH.
I'M REBELLIOUS.
OH, FUN!
TONY GOT ME IN.
PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?
OK, YEAH.
I'M GOING
TO CHEM LAB, YOU?
STUDY.
I'M GONNA
GRAB A POP.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
WHOA, THAT GIRL
IS CHECKING YOU OUT.
DON'T TURN AROUND
TOO FAST.
YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE,
JUST LOOK.
THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED
TO ME BEFORE.
YEAH RIGHT.
I ALWAYS SEE YOU TALKING
TO GIRLS ALL THE TIME
AND I'VE HEARD LIKE THREE COP
STORIES INVOLVING YOU AND TONY.
I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF
AWESOME OUTSIDE SCHOOL.
I HAVE THIS PLAN THAT I AC KIND OF NERDY AND AWKWARD,
SO, THEN I CAN....
...POUNCE LIKE
A SEXUAL PUMA.
EXACTLY, POUNCE
LIKE A SEXUAL PUMA.
LIKE A REALLY
NICE RAPIST.
YEAH, I TRY TO MAKE
THINGS COMFORTABLE.
I WENT ON A DATE WITH THIS
GUY THAT LOOKED LIKE YOU,
LIKE A WELL-MUSCLED,
COMBED HAIR VERSION OF YOU-ISH.
HE WAS IN COLLEGE
AND HE COULD DO ALL THESE
STUPID TRICK-DRIVING THINGS.
WHEN HE COMES
TO PICK ME UP,
I'M STANDING OUTSIDE,
HE DRIVES PAST ME,
HE ROLLS HIS
WINDOW DOWN--
HE ROLLS IT DOWN AND STICKS
HIS FINGER OUT, LIKE THIS,
THEN HE DOES THIS FUCKIN'
CRAZY SPINNING, FISH-TAIL THING
AND FLOORS IT TO
THE END OF MY BLOCK
AND THENS STOPS DIRECTLY
IN FRONT OF ME
LIKE THERE WAS
A FUCKIN' MARK THERE.
IT WAS AMAZING
AND HE WAS FUCKIN' SERIOUS.
I LIKE THA HE WAS LIKE
"YOU'RE REALLY GONNA
WANT TO SEE THIS."
EXACTLY, I CAN'T EVEN--
BE CAREFUL WITH
THAT WHORE KIM,
I'VE HEARD STORIES.
LIKE PISSING STORIES.
SHE'S GOING TO YALE.
I'M SORRY,
DID YOU SAY PISSING?
SHE IS STILL
CHECKING YOU OUT.
I'LL SE A JEALOUSY TRAP.
[WHISPERING]
YOU HAVE GOOSEBUMPS,
PUMA.
SO, I'LL SEE YOU
ON THE TRIP?
YEAH, FOR SURE.
COOL.
DON'T RAPE ANYONE
WITHOUT ME.
[CHUCKLES]
I WON'T.
UGH!!!
[CHANGE FALLS]
I WANNA BE GOOD AT SEX
SO THEY HAVE A NICE TIME TOO.
WHO GIVES A NOODLE
WHAT SHE THINKS?
HOW YOU FIXED
FOR CONDOMS?
I HAVE THE
ONE YOU GAVE ME.
GET A NEW BOX,
PUT ONE ON AND JERK-OFF.
ANY PARTICULAR REASON?
EVER PUT ONE ON BEFORE?
HALF ONE TIME.
PRECISELY.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
SHHH!
DON'T MAKE ANY
SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.
[BLOWING NOSE]
ALLOW ME.
SO, WHAT IF I CAN'T...
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
USE YOUR WORDS.
START THE CAR.
EAT OYSTERS.
YOU'LL BE ABLE TO
HANG TOWELS ON IT.
WET ONES.
I'M GOING TO THE STORE.
NEED ANYTHING?
YES... BUT I
DON'T KNOW WHAT.
I'M GONNA GO TOO.
NO, NO.
I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.
BUT I DON' KNOW WHAT I WANT.
THEN I'LL JUS GO BY MYSELF.
YOU'RE ACTING WEIRD,
I'M DEFINITELY COMING.
HEY!!
BE GINGER WITH
THE DOOR, SON.
SORRY.
[ENGINE NOT TURNING OVER]
SON OF A BITCH!
SHIT.
DISTRIBUTOR COIL
WIRE'S LOOSE,
THIS THING CAN' START WITHOUT IT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
DAD TAUGHT ME.
WHEN HE GOT THE VAN FROM
GUNZO'S, IT WAS A PIECE OF SHIT.
IT STILL IS,
BUT IT'S A CHARMING ONE.
WHY'D YOU CALL I "THE SIN BIN"
WHEN YOU CHEAT IN HOCKEY,
FUCK UP OR WHATEVER,
THEY PUT YOU IN THE "SIN BIN",
THE PENALTY BOX.
GUNZO'S USED TO USE THIS THING
TO PUT BROKEN SHIT IN HERE,
OLD MERCHANDISE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE
FUCKED IN THIS THING.
LAUREN AND I WOULD FOOL AROUND
BACK HERE DURING PARTIES.
SHE'D DRIVE WHEN
I WAS WASTED.
SHE WAS GREAT, SHE'D DRIVE
ME AND MY BUDDIES HOME-
WE WERE PISSING AND
SHITTING AND VOMITTING
LIKE LITERALLY PUKING
ALL OVER EACH OTHER--
THAT'S ENOUGH.
SORRY, I FORGOT ABOUT YOUR
CRIPPLING FEAR OF VOMIT.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
I'M NOT GONNA
LIGHT IT!
I HAD A BLAS IN THIS THING.
YOU STILL
HAVE A BLAST?
YEAH...
YEAH, TOTALLY MAN...
ME AND THESE DUDES
WERE JUST UP IN CANADA.
WHAT WERE YOU
DOING IN CANADA?
NOTHING.
BUT WE GOT INTO A BIG BAR FIGHT,
ONE OF THE GUYS HAD A MACHETE.
PRETTY FUNNY.
[CHUCKLES]
GO AHEAD, START IT.
IF IT TURNS,
I'M STILL DRIVING.
HEY IT STARTED,
BENNY!
EXACTLY.
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
BENJAMIN.
I DON'T--
WHERE DO WE EVEN--
MY BROTHER WAS JUS ASKING ABOUT YOU.
HOW IS HE?
HE'S LITTLE
AND WEIRD.
AND YOUR MOM?
SHE'S...
GONE FOR A BIT.
I'M BABYSITTING BRIAN.
I MISSED YOU.
SO PEOPLE THAT YOU MISS
YOU DON'T CALL FOR SIX YEARS?
I DON'T REALLY TALK
TO PEOPLE ANYMORE.
I HAVEN'T TALKED
TO THAT MANY PEOPLE.
I'M NOT REALLY
PREPARED FOR "THIS."
I AM REALLY SORRY
ABOUT YOUR DAD...
BUT I KINDA WANNA PUNCH
YOU IN THE FACE, BENNY.
DO IT.
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
OH CRAP.
ARE YOU
STILL A PYRO?
NO.
WHEN DID I TAKE
YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
JUNIOR YEAR?
YOUR JUNIOR YEAR?
EYEBROWS.
YEAH.
WELL THAT'S WHEN PEOPLE
WERE SHAVING OFF
LARGE PORTIONS
OF THEIR EYEBROWS,
SO I JUST FIGURED
WHY NOT DO IT,
BECAUSE IT'S
JUST DEAD WEIGHT,
DEAD WEIGHT STICKING
ON TOP OF MY HEAD.
YOU KNOW,
IT'S LIKE A--
SO YOU JUST DISAPPEAR
AND YOU DON'T TELL ANYONE
WHERE YOU ARE GOING??
AND YOU THINK YOU'RE
SO COOL DOING IT.
BUT I CHOSE TO BELIEVE THA YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING AMAZING.
MAYBE YOU'RE TRAVELING
AND SEEING THE WORLD
OR GETTING YOURSELF
STRAIGHTENED OUT.
BUT I DID NOT THINK
I'D BUMP INTO YOU
IN LIKE I DON'T KNOW,
HAPPY FOOD.
"S"...
HAPPY FOODS, YES.
DID YOU MISS ME?
SWEETIE...
NO ORGANIC.
I KNOW.
THIS IS MY OLD
FRIEND... GARY.
HI.
MICHAEL BELLMAN.
HI.
GARY FLATTERED.
YOU'RE LAST NAME
IS "FLATTERED"?
YES.
FLATTERED TO MEE YOU, GARY.
BENNY DIE-NESS?
I'M GARY FLATTERED.
WE HAVE
A PROBLEM HERE.
I'VE JUST DETAINED A PERP
ON A SUBJECT 487B.
SHOPLIFTING.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO GRAB
BENNY WHATEVER.
PERP'S NAME
IS BRIAN DIE-NESS.
HE GAVE US
A DESCRIPTION.
THERE ARE ONLY TWO GENTLEMEN
LEFT IN THE STORE PRESENTLY.
YOU FIT THE DESCRIPTION.
YOU DO NOT.
AND WHAT WAS
THE DESCRIPTION?
THE DESCRIPTION WAS,
A RED AND BLACK
FLANNEL JACKET,
AN OLIVE PAJAMA SHIRT,
AND SOME HIGH PANTS.
BENNY DEINES?
GARY...
FLATTERED.
GARY, BEN.
THAT'S HIM?
OH, SWEETIE.
I WANT YOU TO
COME WITH ME
INTO THE BACK AREA
WHERE WE LOAD THINGS.
WHAT'S SO EMBARRASSING
ABOUT CONDOMS?
I'VE HAD A CASHIER LOOK
AT ME AND BE LIKE, "NICE."
YOU COULD'VE PICKED A
BETTER TIME TO SHOPLIFT.
LAUREN WAS THERE.
NO SHE WAS NOT.
AND HER BOYFRIEND.
HE WAS GOOD LOOKING.
LIKE A VILLAIN.
LIKE A LAWYER.
A LAWYER?
IS THAT A BAD THING?
ARE YOU GONNA TELL MOM?
FUCK NO, LIKE THAT'S A
CONVERSATION I WANT TO HAVE.
SHE'D JUST BLAME ME.
THANKS, BENNY.
GUESS WHAT?
WHAT?
STILL FUCKIN' TOOK 'EM.
OHHH, CRIMINAL!!
[WATER RUNNING]
YOU'RE NO DOING THAT RIGHT.
HERE DO THIS.
[SLURPING DRINK]
[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]
WHAT?
I NEED THE BIN.
EMERGENCY.
WHY DIDN' YOU JUST CALL ME?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T.
HURRY UP, HONEY, I HAVE
A WHOOPEE APPOINTMENT.
GOOD THROW.
JESUS! WHAT THE--
I'VE DONE SOME
REALLY WEIRD SHIT,
SO IF YOU WAN TO TALK ABOUT--
I'M FINE.
COULD YOU SIGN THIS?
WHAT DID I JUS SIGN AND WHY?
TECHNICALLY YOU'RE
MY GUARDIAN,
AND IT'S A PERMISSION SLIP
FOR A FIELD TRIP TOMORROW.
HOW DO YOU FINGER A GIRL?
I KNOW YOU
DIDN'T ASK ME TO,
BUT I WANNA TELL
HER ABOUT US.
DON'T DO THAT.
YOU NEVER LE ME DO THAT.
NOT THE HAIR THING-
YES, DON'T DO
THE HAIR THING,
BUT DON'T BREAK UP
WITH HER FOR ME.
I DID THIS,
I WANT TO.
WELL...
I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
CLOSE THEM.
OKAY.
WOW.
YOU DON'T LIKE IT?
NO, I REALLY LIKE IT.
I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD
TALK DIFFERENT WITH IT ON.
THANK YOU.
DO YOU MISS BEING HOME?
KIDS I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL
WITH ARE MARRIED.
NOW, THEY HAVE KIDS,
AND DOGS.
I HAVE A WEIRD
THING WITH ANIMALS.
A BUNCH OF FRIENDS OF MINE
FOUND THIS CAT IN AN ALLEY.
I DROPPED IT OFF A ROOF
TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
TO SEE IF I LANDED ON ITS FEET?
I KNEW IT WOULD DIE.
I JUST WANTED TO WATCH,
YOU KNOW,
ITS LAST MOMEN ON EARTH.
JUST KIDDING.
[CHUCKLES]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
THIS IS REASSIGNMENT.
YOU ARE TO QUIET STUDY.
YOU GET A HALF PERIOD
FOR LUNCH.
HERE YOU GO.
SON, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
I'M SORRY SIR,
I WAS TARDY.
TARDY?
HOW MANY TIMES?
TEN TIMES.
TEN!?
JEEZ LOUISE.
YOU'RE WALKING A TIGHTLY-ROPED,
HIGH-OCTANE DANGER ZONE.
WHEN WE GAVE YOU
THIS SCHOLARSHIP
IT WAS BECAUSE OF YOUR
ACADEMIC PROMISE.
YOU DON'T WAN TO SCREW THIS UP.
YOU DON'T SEE
TONY IN HERE.
OKAY,
NEVER AGAIN.
ABSOLUTELY NOT, SIR.
OKAY GOOD, HIGH OCTANE.
TOUCH THE SKY.
YES!
IT'S A GREAT DAY TO
BE ALIVE EVERYBODY.
GREAT DAY.
SORRY.
WHAT THE HELL,
PUMA?
I'M SORRY, I GOT "REO".
YOU'RE A BAD KID.
HOW WERE THE
BOTANICAL GARDENS?
BORING AS FUCK,
BUT SOMEHOW REALLY
PRETTY AND INSPIRING..
PUMA?
SORRY... WHAT?
EH, IT WAS
SOMETHING ABOUT FLOWERS.
I GOTTA GO.
WILL I SEE YOU MONDAY
OR YOU GONNA GET BUSTED
FOR SOMETHING ELSE?
WE'LL SEE...
OK.
LATER, PUMA!
HI!
HEY!
SO, I WANTED TO
ASK YOU SOMETHING.
YOU HAVE
AMERICAN STUDIES, RIGHT?
YEAH.
I KINDA NEED
HELP WITH THE REVIEW,
DO YOU THINK NEXT WEEK WE
COULD HANG AND YOU COULD...
HELP ME?
I'D LOVE TO.
WHERE IS THIS
COMING FROM, HANDSOME?
I'M BEING SERIOUS.
HAVE YOU?
LOWER THE
BIG-BOY VOICE PLEASE.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT SULLIED
WHAT I HAVE WITH SUZIE.
I'M GONNA TELL
YOU THIS ONCE:
ERICA'S A VERY SHARP GIRL,
VERY PRETTY, VERY SWEET,
SHE SMELLS LIKE FALL.
NOVEMBER-ISH.
BUT SHE FUCKS
LIKE A BLOW UP DOLL.
I SPENT THE DAY
IN REO.
THANKS FOR LEAVING
THE KEY.
I'M SORRY, BUDDY-BOY.
ESPECIALLY ABOU THE FIELD TRIP,
I KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING
FORWARD TO THAT.
HAVE A SEAT.
SIT.
DON'T LET MY INFIDELITIES
SALT OUR ARRANGEMENT.
BECAUSE IF YOU
TOLD SOMEBODY...
I'LL GET INSIDE YOUR MIND
AND I'LL FUCK MY WAY OUT.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRAIN FARE.
MY TREAT.
IF I TAKE THAT MONEY
FROM YOU,
THEN WHAT WE'RE DOING
FEELS PRETTY BAD.
WE HAVEN' DONE ANYTHING.
TAKE IT.
I'M GOING TO SPEND I ON SOMETHING ELSE.
AT LEAS YOU'LL HESITATE.
I DON'T WANNA
GO HOME.
I GOTTA GO.
IT'S HER MOTHER'S
BIRTHDAY.
YOU CAN GO.
I DON'T WAN TO GO HOME.
I'LL SIT RIGHT HERE.
IT'S NOT MY VAN.
WHO'S VAN IS THIS?
A FRIEND'S.
JUST PUT THE KEY BACK?
WHY DON'T WE
USE YOUR CAR?
NO, BECAUSE MY
TRANSMISSION'S SLOW
AND OTHER SILLINESS
I CAN'T AFFORD RIGHT NOW.
THEN WHY ARE
YOU GIVING ME MONEY?
STOP.
OK, JUST PU THE KEY BACK.
I'LL PUT THE KEY BACK,
I'LL PUT THE KEY BACK,
I'LL PUT THE KEY BACK!
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[CAR HORN SOUNDS]
[MUSIC]
COME ON.
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
HEY PUMA, DON'T YOU
EVEN THINK ABOUT POUNCING-
YOU FUCKING PUSSY.
JESUS.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
BIN'S MINE TONIGHT.
SEE.
I WROTE IT DOWN.
SOMEONE'S IN THERE.
THAT WHORE KIM?
DID SHE HUM?
NO IT'S NO THAT WHORE KIM.
IS A HUMAN
ACTUALLY IN THERE?
SHIT!
TH-THAT'S NO WHAT YOU THINK.
OH, NO, IT'S BETTER!
YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY
MATTER NOW.
I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO HAVE TO
REARRANGE SOME STUFF TONIGHT,
BUT GOD DAMMI I'M PROUD OF YOU.
THAT MEANS THE
WORLD TO ME MAN.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
GIMME THE KEYS.
I NEED THE BIN.
WHAT? NO. I CAN'T.
GIVE ME THE KEYS,
IT'S MY CAR.
WAS YOUR CAR.
THERE'S A GIRL
IN THERE.
GIMME THE FUCKIN'
KEYS BRIAN.
NO.
YES.
[BANG!]
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
SEE, I WASN' LYING!
IT'S A REAL
LIFE GIRL.
I NEED YOUR HELP,
I GOTTA MOVE HER.
NOT MY PROBLEM.
I DIDN'T GIVE YOU A HARD TIME
WHEN YOU MOVED AWAY
OR ASK YOU FOR
ANYTHING WHEN DAD DIED.
SO HELP ME MOVE
THE DRUNK GIRL UPSTAIRS.
WELL, WHEN YOU
PUT IT LIKE THAT...
I THOUGHT SO.
GOT TO LIFT HER UP.
[CRYING]
I'VE NEVER WITNESSED AN
ACTUAL PASSING OUT BEFORE.
I DOUBT THAT.
HOW DO WE DO THIS?
GRAB HER BY THE ASS,
IT'S EASIER.
I'M NOT GRABBING HER ASS
WHILE SHE'S PASSED OUT.
I'M NOT SAYING DO I LIKE A PERVERT.
I'M SAYING, DO IT LIKE
YOU WERE TOUCHING GRANDMA.
THAT IS AWFUL.
SHE'S HEAVIER THAN SHIT.
SHUT-UP, YOU'LL
GIVE HER A COMPLEX.
SHE'S A DRUNK GIRL
IN A VAN.
WHAT ARE YOU
TWO J.O'S DOIN'?
FUCK, LOOK NOW WHAT YOU DID.
IS SHE DEAD?
YES, OFFICER.
YOU CAUGHT US.
WE KILLED HER.
THAT'S WHY YOU
GRAB HER BY THE ASS.
OKAY. CRACKER, NO!
THAT'S A GOOD JOJO.
BIP-BIP-BIP.
SHE DRANK
A LITTLE TOO MUCH.
WE'RE PUTTING
HER UPSTAIRS
AND SHE IS NOT DEAD
WE GOTTA COME UP
WITH A STRATEGY,
COME UP WITH SOME
KIND OF ROUTE HERE.
WE GOT IT MAN.
JUST GO HOME.
I'M NOT GONNA EXCHANGE
IDEAS WITH YOU.
I'VE OPTED TO
EXPEDITE THIS SITUATION.
YOU'RE NOT THE
BOSS OF US, MAN!
GET HER MID-SECTION.
FINE.
SHE'S REALLY
A VERY NICE GIRL.
CAN YOU SMELL
MY PERIOD?
WHAT'S HER NAME?
JANE.
JANE?!
DO YOU HAVE TO FLASH THE LIGH IN HER FACE LIKE THAT?
I DO, ACTUALLY.
JANE?
DO YOU KNOW
WHERE YOU ARE?
THE WORLD.
YOU AND YOUR
GOD DAMN VAN.
THIS IS YOUR VAN?
ALRIGHT.
ONE...
TWO...
THREE.
SHE IS HEAVIER
THAN SHIT.
THAT'S WHA I SAID...
WHY IS THE
DOOR LOCKED?
BENNY, WHY'D YOU
LOCK THE DOOR!?