[dog barks]
[FisherGreen's
Sisters Brothers plays]
II
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a warm welcome
to Mr. Al Madrigal.
[cheers and applause]
II
- What is happening?
How you guys doing?
Thanks for coming out.
I really appreciate it.
Hey.
My name's Al.
I'll tell you guys about myself.
I live in Los Angeles,
and near my house
in Los Angeles
is a waterfall that I love
to take the wife and the kids-
and we got some dogs.
We take them up there.
#But it's also
near a sketchy neighborhood,
so there's a lot
of gang members
that hang out at the waterfall.
It's like somebody
took an Ansel Adams photo
and then put
a Cypress Hill video inside it.
And at first,
I got to tell ya,
it's scary 'cause you don't really-
you don't expect to see
gang members at the waterfall.
And we actually
witnessed this.
#This is a conversation that we overheard
right when we got up
there for the first time.
#We saw a gang member run up
to another gang member
with something in his hand.
#I was like, "Oh, my God.
"My family
is gonna watch somebody
get stabbed creek-side."
The guy runs up and goes,
"Hey. Check it out.
It's a tree frog, homes."
Happened.
#Then the other guy says, "How you know it's a tree frog, bro?"
"I found it
by a tree, stupid."
And everyone in my family
at the same moment went,
"Best waterfall ever."
It's nature-loving cholos.
This is fantastic.
And it is fantastic.
I find myself watching
the gang members appreciate nature
more than I'm appreciating
the nature.
I like to imagine
that they're all up there
on an organized retreat
to get away
from gang life,
like a field trip that they signed up for
to come together as a unit.
#They're up there doing trust exercises.
Like, "I'm gonna fall back.
You gonna catch me, bro?"
"I always catch you.
I always catch you."
I also like to imagine
that they're up there
to take care of the forest.
This brown beret,
conservation corps.
A Smokey the Cholo,
if you will.
They graffitied the waterfall,
which sucks.
And it's not
nice graffiti either,
because there's good graffiti
and then there's bad graffiti.
Like, it's not some
tasteful mural that's been done
to remember one
of their fallen homeboys
that died of Lyme disease.
Airbrushed, "R.l.P. Carlos.
There's no ticks in heaven."
Just says, "Chucho."
And you're giving me
a funny look.
#They didn't graffiti the actual waterfall.
It's like
the dumbest gang members ever.
#"It's not working."
No.
#So it just sort of proves
that anytime
you take a gang member
out of their element
and you put them anywhere,
it's automatically
going to be funny.
Cholos in space.
Hilarious.
"Hey, Houston.
You got a problem, bro."
Sorry.
Which leads me
to my favorite character
that I've met of all time.
Cholo soccer dad.
They're everywhere.
I didn't-l had no idea.
So we're down in Los Angeles,
and we take my son
to his first practice
of Mighty Mites football,
five- and six-year-olds
playing flag football.
#It's adorable.
When out of the corner
of my eye-
I'm there with the whole family-
I see a Cholo
coming straight for us.
Everybody close your eyes
and imagine your scariest Mexican gang member.
That guy's
walking right for us.
#Now I'm using "cholo" a lot,
and I'm not sure if anyone's
traveling or from out of town.
A cholo is a Latino gentleman
that you may have seen
with white socks
pulled all the way up,
plaid shorts
to meet the white socks,
white T-shirt oversized,
very similar
to a Catholic schoolgirls
uniform.
It's a lot scarier.
#I'm not sure if you've seen
the movie Training Day
with Denzel Washington.
That's cholo-heavy,
all right?
If you ever watch
the Prison Channel, AKA Nat-Geo,
there's a lot
of cholos in that.
Think you're going to tune in
and see some pygmy titty.
No, it's MS-13 shanking people
by the handball court.
Maybe some neck tattoos,
gold chain.
I'm not sure
if anybody wants
to stand up and make this easier.
Shaved head, mustache.
See yourself a cholo.
You're not cholo-y.
You're, like, cholo adjacent.
You're like-
I'm sure you're friends with some cholos,
but with a V-neck T-shirt
like that, I'm not too worried.
So...
[laughs]
He's got a Caesar.
I'm sure you know some, but I'm
not-l don't feel threatened.
Anyway,
guy's coming
right at us.
Now, me and my wife
have been together
for about 12 years at this point,
married almost
about that long.
#Oh, yeah. Please, don't clap.
Don't clap for her ass.
Me and my wife
are in synch.
#I know everything about this woman.
I know
her favorite everything.
#When we go to Target, we don't shop.
We run plays.
Right?
She knows exactly
what I'm thinking, and she is right.
I do think everyone
in her family lacks ambition
and will be a drain on us
financially at some point.
We have eye signals
for stuff,
hand signals for stuff.
It's incredible.
#For example, if my wife has too much to drink at a party,
I don't have
to say anything.
She starts yapping too much,
I get to just go like this.
#Doo, doo, doo.
Three little, discreet
leg squeezes under the table.
She knows that means,
"Put a sock in it, drunkie.
"Time for you
to wrap it up.
#"Somebody didn't have
"dinner like I suggested.
#"Now you're spouting off at the mouth,
"divulging
all the family secrets.
#You need to pipe down, or we got to go."
And she's cool with it.
That's the best part.
She's like,
"Was I talking too much?
#Thank you." And it works for me.
So I rub the back
of my wife's thumb.
She knows that means,
"Cholo, 3:00. Look alive."
He's coming right at us,
like I said.
#Lot of neck tattoos.
I'm trying to decipher 'em
on the fly.
But I didn't watch
Prison Break or Oz.
#They all mean something, right?
So I'm going,
"Why is the rabbit crying?
"What does that mean?
#He did something to a rabbit."
Me and my wife held each other
for a little bit, thinking,
"Okay, we had a good run, baby.
Now we're going to die."
The guy comes up.
#Turns out he's our son's coach.
No shit.
He goes,
"Hey, everybody.
My name's Coach Frankie.
But you can call me Rascal."
"See, honey? We're not going to die.
Coach Rascals here.
It's gonna be fine."
He then presents us
with a snack list.
When your child
is in any sport,
the team mom, or in this case,
a very scary
Mexican gang member,
has prepared a document to determine
what family
is responsible
for snack on any given game day.
He's laid his out perfectly
in Microsoft Word tables.
He left-justified
all of his text.
#He didn't go with a gothic-y cholo font
like you'd expect him to.
#He used Arial,
like we all should.
He centered his header,
he imported some clip art,
and he was very proud of it,
so we found ourselves-he-
"I wrote a snack list."
"Check it out,
my snack list."
So me and my wife
found ourselves
in that great couple moment
where you're holding hands
trying not to laugh
at somebody right in front of you,
doing the Morse code
hand squeeze,
going, "Cholo made a snack list.
Cholo made a snack list.
"Don't laugh at the cholo.
Don't laugh at the cholo.
"Oh, my God.
Cholo made a snack list.
So proud of it."
Now, if you're a young couple
doing this for the first time,
this snack thing,
and you have kids in any sport,
you want to go
at the beginning of the season
when expectations are low.
#You bring some Teddy Grahams,
some Capri Suns, fruit,
you brown bag it.
Wanna go the extra mile?
Freeze a Go-Gurt.
They fucking love that.
What happens
is you wait too long,
then in the middle of the season,
some asshole with disposable
income brings Happy Meals,
ruins it for the rest
of the families yet to go.
Then by the end
of the season,
you're forced to bring pizza,
a DJ, and a stripper.
And everybody's
still complaining.
#They're like, "Are these songs fast to you?
She seems older."
So he's made
a snack list.
#He's also the worst coach ever,
but you can't do
anything about it.
He's so intimidating.
#He actually said this to the kids.
They're five
and six years old.
#When they get the football,
they run in the wrong direction,
they tackle each other.
If there's a dog,
they chase the dog.
#They're idiots.
And he says-
this is a quote,
"You guys got to pay attention,
or you're gonna have
bad dreams."
Which is not in the John Wooden
coaching pyramid,
I think.
#Leaving all the parents on the sideline going,
"Did he just
fucking say that?
#"Because I have a hard enough time
"getting that guy
to sleep as it is.
I don't need Coach Rascal
giving him cholo night terrors."
Then my wife gives me
one of these.
#You know this? You should know, yeah.
A hand squeeze with a squint
and a head nod, which means,
"Get in there, asshole,
and say something.
Time for you to man up,
or I'm gonna say something."
And there's
a counter-move to that.
#I squeezed her hand even a little bit harder,
looked her in the eyes
and said,
"We're not saying shit.
"You let Coach Rascal
conduct his business,
"or we're gonna find out
why the rabbit's crying,
and I don't wanna find out
why the rabbit's crying."
I don't wanna find out.
- Whoo!
[cheers and applause]
- Not sure
if anyone's done this.
Over the age of 35,
I hurt my neck sleeping.
You ever do that?
#I was dreaming of falling down the steps.
Now, as a man, you have
very few massage options.
Option number one,
I could trade one with my wife.
Three minutes in, she's gonna
complain her hand is tired.
Then I'm gonna owe her one.
#It's a bad deal.
Number two,
the chair.
You ever go
to the mall?
The uniformed Chinese guys
want you to get in a chair, sit ass-out,
Potsie-style,
put your face in the doughnut
that's seen
a thousand other faces.
#I'm a germaphobe. I'm gonna put it in there.
It's disgusting.
#Not to mention, it's all open air.
I got some fat kid
eating a piece of Sbarro
right next to me.
It's not relaxing.
It's not gonna work.
Option number three,
fancy place.
#Spa, real spa.
I don't have
that kind of time.
#I don't need to spend four hours
in some cucumber water
utopian environment.
#I don't have the time.
I want Jiffy Lube
of neck fixing.
I don't want to go
to some relaxation room
where you got
some menopausal hippie lady
walking around with an open robe,
some car crash of a vagina
hanging out,
you know,
to give somebody a last look
before they retire it for good.
It's gross.
#I don't have the time or the stomach.
Brings me
to option number four.
#Strip mall massage.
You guys know what
I'm talking about. Huh?
You especially
know what I'm talking about.
You know the strip mall too.
#A bunch of shitty businesses
that got together
to become roommates.
Always a Quiznds,
nail salon...
Liberty Tax.
#They con some poor Mexican-American teenager
to dress up like
the Statue of Liberty out front.
[cheers and applause]
Be ashamed
of themselves.
Laundromat,
cigarette wholesaler,
karate studio...
Thai massage.
#Every one of the businesses
is owned by somebody
of a different ethnicity.
It's like a giant stucco
American dream catcher.
So I got the neck
I can barely move.
#I got a big show to do that night.
You guys see how much movement
l do onstage.
#It's important for me to get that
worked out.
So I go to the Thai massage,
first appointment of the day.
You don't want to show up
at the end of a long shift
because those places
are shady, right?
How do you know
if it's one of the shady places?
First of all,
it's in the strip mall.
#And secondly,
if it's got the same hours
as a Jack in the Box...
it's probably
a Jack in the Box.
So...
I go in,
first appointment.
Nice Asian lady gives me
the neck massage part, 40 bucks.
I don't know if it was Thai,
but she gave it to me.
#Feels better.
Now it's time for her to ask me
if I want the extra part.
But she can't say
in the words she wants to because it's illegal.
So she whispers
these words in my ear,
"Do you want me
to make banana cry?"
Uh...
[laughter applause]
"No, I don't want you
to make banana cry.
"But can you ask me again?
#Because that's fucking hilarious."
I was thinking,
"What did banana do to you?"
Banana feels bad enough being
in here in the first place.
What a family-friendly way
to ask somebody
if they want a strip mall hand job.
It's not something
you ever expect to hear.
It's something you expect
to read from the transcripts
of when Mr. Rogers
is brought up on charges.
The banana part
we all get, right?
The banana part we get.
Crying, though?
Rarely when I cry do all
my tears shoot out at one time.
"I'm so sad!
I'm so sad!
#"I'm so sad. I'm so sorry.
For your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss."
Crinkle up a sock.
- Whoo!
- "I'm so sorry."
ls anybody lonely out there?
Clap if you're lonely.
Anybody want to admit it?
[scattered applause]
That's a pretty good, solid clap.
Because loneliness
is underrated.
#You don't realize what you have.
Lonely people
make the mistake
of crying themselves to sleep at night.
They go, "Oh,
I wish I had a companion,
someone to watch Criminal Minds with."
[blubbers]
You don't realize what you got.
I love going on the road.
I don't want to tell
my family this,
but I love to go on the road
and go on a nice,
king-size bed, spread out.
Because at home,
any parent can tell you,
you got some sweaty,
little fucker,
gets up at 2:00 in the morning
'cause they're not
properly sleep trained.
#So you wake up startled,
you hear this pitter-patter
of feet, shadow.
You're like, "What the fuck
is that, Chucky?"
My wife won't let me
have a gun in the house,
so I got a marble egg
in a tube sock.
#I'm like, "Who's there? Identify yourself."
Hammer stashed
under the couch for this
imaginary fight sequence
that's never gonna go down.
And you're too tired
to put up a fight,
so you let him in bed with you.
And an hour later,
you wake up clipped on- they're clipped on
like the koala bear
on your fourth grade pencil.
Like, "Get the fuck off me."
And why are they so sweaty?
Are they on drugs?
#Are they taking
mollies down
by the preschool,
or is that just what happens
when you properly
hydrate yourself?
And then I got to wake up
at 6:30 in the morning
every single morning, no matter
what I've done the night before.
You get to sleep in
till whenever
because nobody loves you,
and I got to wake up
at 6:30
every single morning
because I have a cute, little girl or guy
that comes
inside of my bed and goes,
"Daddy, wake up. Daddy, wake up.
Daddy, wake up. Daddy, wake up.
Apple Juice. Apple Juice.
Apple Juice. Apple juice."
That's not an alarm clock
you can hit.
There's no snooze
on a three-year-old.
#Then I got to go to a bouncy house party
every Saturday or Sunday.
#You know what that is?
Inflatable castle
on some dickheads front lawn.
All kinds of kids
in there jumping around
like coked-up young Republicans
at a John Boehner
warehouse party.
"Aaah!"
And I'm not sure what happens
when my kids get in there,
but something switches,
and they start
trying to take other kids out
at any opportunity.
It's forearm shivers
for everybody.
It's like
an illegal cage fight for them.
#It's like, "Welcome to the Octagon.
Two babies enter,
one baby leave."
Vietnamese baby starts smoking
cigarettes and gambling outside,
screaming, "Take him out!
Take him out!"
Little baby throws a rooster in
just to make it interesting.
But luckily,
a bouncy house is like
an alternate universe
where pain doesn't exist.
#They're so happy to be in there.
I saw the same little,
shitty kid
who'd cry if you looked at him funny,
little sensitive boy,
come shooting out of the bouncy house.
He hit one of the bumps
the wrong way and then came
firing through the Velcro
straps, circus cannon style.
Just shoo!
Mangles his ass on the driveway.
#And all the other dads
are like, "Holy shit.
Try not to react, so he doesn't
realize how jacked up he is."
And then,
I swear to you,
he just rose up,
popped his shoulder back in
like Mel Gibson
in Lethal Weapon,
mumbled some shit about whores and Jews,
and went back
into the bouncy house,
jumping around.
[cheers and applause]
I have no privacy.
You have privacy.
You don't realize, but, yes.
It's great.
I have people tracking me
at all times.
#I really do.
I can't go to the bathroom
without people following me
into the bathroom.
It's constant.
#A year ago, this really happened.
My daughter's 2 1/2 years old,
and all I want to do-
how I really want to unwind
is that I want to go
to the back bathroom,
I want to sit there for 20 minutes
until my leg goes numb
with the sports page.
It's your body's sign of,
"Okay, that's enough."
I'm gonna sit there and look
at some stats, and that's it.
In peace.
#But I'm not allowed
because they'll find me.
#This happened. I had to Swiff.
I pretended
I was Swiffing
to throw 'em off my trail.
I was going
to do some Swiffing,
and then when no one
was looking,
I grabbed the sports page,
and I snuck back
into the back bathroom.
#And I went back there, and I sat down.
20 seconds in, my daughter
with the sippy cup
comes busting open
the door like SWAT.
She just stands there
and then looks back like,
"I found him. He's over here.
"He tried to throw us off
with the Swiffer, but I got it.
Another case solved."
Then she did something-
she just stayed.
She just stood there
like this.
#'Cause she knew I couldn't do anything about it.
She's very smart.
And I go,
"Get out of here.
What are you doing?
#"This is Daddy's privacy.
"His private time
in the bathroom.
#"Get out of here. This is gross.
Get out of here."
And I'm not sure if anyone's got a little girl,
but they're all
kind of creepy.
Look at something.
Then I called for help.
#I go,
"Honey! Honey!
Honey-
"Krystyn. Krystyn!
Please help me!
She won't leave!"
And there was no answer.
#So my daughter looked at me like,
"No one can hear
your cries.
Just me and you."
Then, I'll be honest,
I tried to hit her with the paper a little bit.
Nothing hard.
#Just a couple little, gentle swats,
but she immediately
contorted her body
to stay an inch away
like, "Ha, ha, ha."
And worked her ass
around me,
came around the side of me,
and then got a quick look
at my butt crack.
And her first words
in the bathroom are,
"Hey,
Daddy's got a 'gina."
Immediately I go from trying
to get her out of the bathroom
to defending my manhood
to this two-year-old.
"What are you talking about?
Daddy doesn't have a 'gina.
"Daddy's a man.
Get out of here.
#"Daddy's a 'gina-less man.
"You get out of here.
He's a-'gina.
"Doing man stuff
in the bathroom,
"reading the sports page.
Get out of here."
Finally I hit her
with the paper pretty good.
And in the scuffle,
a towel fell,
and then the door stayed open.
I got her out.
#And she knew she got to me because she took an opportunity.
She walked around and just
in the crack of the door,
you saw
two little eyes appear
with a Disney Princesses
sippy cup.
She just looked at me
and started going,
"Daddy's got a 'gina.
Daddy's got a 'gina.
#"Daddy got a 'gina. Daddy got a 'gina.
Daddy's got a 'gina."
Leaving me mumbling
in the bathroom going,
"Daddy doesn't have a 'gina.
Daddy's a man.
#"Get out of here.
Daddy's a 'gina-less man."
And she must have left
at some point
because my wife popped her head in and goes,
"What the fuck are you
talking about? Daddy-
I thought
you were Swiffing."
"Where the hell were you?
Daddy's a man."
"Daddy's a man."
[cheers and applause]
They want to watch
so much TV.
#And I don't allow
that much TV, which makes them
want to watch it more.
They can't get
enough of it.
#I'm trying to micromanage what they watch too.
They watch the worst crap.
#It's amazing how quickly a kid
can take over
your DirecTV controller,
start DVRing their own shit.
You're like,
"What is all this crap?"
They watch- this is crazy.
They watched Animal Planet,
first of all.
#They watch that idiot the Turtle-man,
Call of the Wildman.
You see that show? You love him?
Yeah.
Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
#If you don't know this, it's a guy in Kentucky
that if you have
a possum on your property
that won't go away,
him and his buddy will come over
and they'll fight it,
and then you don't have
to give him any money.
You can just pay him
in an apple fritter,
and he's thrilled.
"It was
a good day today.
#"We fought a possum, and he gave me an apple fritter,
and I was,
'Whoo-hoo!"'
And my kids think it's great,
and they love the guy.
#I don't like it at all.
I don't want my kids
growing up thinking
"turtle fighter
compensated in doughnuts"
is a viable career option.
Is that wrong?
Is that micromanaging?
They also watch
House Hunters International,
which I hate.
Don't-no. You love that show?
I hate it.
It's the worst dialogue
of any-it's like,
"Yeah, I could really
see myself showering in here."
Yeah, 'cause it's a bathroom,
lady, it's a bathroom.
My kids argue about it.
That's the worst thing.
It's like
a three-year-old going,
"Pick the second one. Pick the second one.
"It's got
granite counter-tops
and an open floor plan."
The fuck?
They watch-
and this is my bad.
#I recorded a show that I shouldn't have recorded.
It's-l recorded Hardcore Pawn.
You see that show?
#[audience members cheer]
No, that is the worst show
on television.
Of course,
cholo adjacent likes it.
It really is bad.
It's the most racist show.
#The description for that show,
if you clicked on info,
should read,
"Man in Detroit takes
advantage of black people."
That should be the show.
That's the show.
There's a lot
of racist stuff on TV
that we're not even looking at.
First of all,
we had some stuff
grandfathered in
that we're surrounded by.
#Black people should be upset
about Uncle Ben
still being on the market,
Cream of Wheat guy.
We're still pouring syrup
out of slave head
and Aunt Jemima.
Let's retire her ass.
We'll name it something else.
It'll be fine.
But then
for the Golden Corral people
to come in
and think they can just
introduce racist ads
to the market
is not fucking cool.
You guys know
what I'm talking about?
#First of all, Golden Corral is a chain
of bad buffet
restaurants where-
first of all, it's named Corral.
Have some respect
for yourself.
"Here, go and feed on them-
they feed the animals.
#Here we go."
It's like cut-up hot dogs.
I don't care if it's golden.
I'm not eating there.
But the commercial
put me over the top.
#If you don't know the ad,
it's a white couple
and a black couple on a double date.
Have you seen it?
No.
#And so the white lady
is really annoying.
#She turns around to the black couple and goes,
"We're going to have
such a great time at dinner.
"We're gonna go
to a seafood restaurant,
"and Chef Jason's gonna be there,
and then we're gonna share
a $20 appetizer."
And the black people hear,
"$20 dollar appetizer,"
and they look at each other
like, "Fuck that shit."
And then
they throw themselves
out of the moving vehicle,
risking their lives to-
roll,
dust their asses off,
and show up
at cheap-ass Golden Corral
where they can eat
all-you-can-eat tilapia,
which in culinary circles
is known
as the rat of the sea.
It's not
a well-thought-of fish.
There's so many questions.
#First of all, just like Facebook
is lowering the value of
what it means to have a friend,
Golden Corral is lowering
the standard
severely for what it takes to jump
out of a moving vehicle.
#It used to be brakes, all right'? Pump the brakes.
"Aah!" You throw yourself out
and barrel roll.
Bomb about to detonate.
Cliff.
You throw yourself out,
you climb up.
#"Ah, he's still alive."
Maybe it's a kidnapping,
right?
And that's a possibility.
#Maybe these white people are so desperate
to have black friends
that they've taken
these black people
and kept 'em in their basement,
and they haven't
fed 'em at all.
And their first eating
opportunity was Golden Corral,
and they're like,
"Let's go for it. Go! Go!"
I don't think that's the case.
My son said this,
"Why didn't they stop?"
That's an awkward moment
as a parent
where you're like, "I don't know.
"I don't know
why they didn't stop.
#"Why didn't Golden Corral just put
"a brake sound effect
in there for us,
like the white people
gave a shit?"
There should be brakes,
and then the white people
should run into Golden Corral
after the black people and go,
"What the fuck?
"If you wanted to eat here,
you could have just told us.
"We were trying to take you
someplace nice.
"I didn't know you wanted cotton
candy as a dessert option.
"What, are you gonna eat it
with a knife and fork?
#I don't understand."
But because of TV,
they've started talking back,
and I know this for a fact
because I just did
all the investigative work
in the house.
#My son said,
at six years old,
"That's how I roll."
I've never said that
in my entire life.
#My wife has never said that.
That's one of the reasons
I married her.
#My son says that.
I said, "Where'd you
hear that, buddy?"
Turns out
these two little douche bags
from the Disney Channel,
Zack and Cody,
Suite Life on Deck.
Two little twins who live on
a cruise ship for some reason.
I watch a couple episodes.
They call, like, 13-year-old
girls "baby," stuff like that.
Got the controller-
never thought I'd be this guy-
and I blocked it
'cause that's how I roll.
Shut it down.
[cheers and applause]
I really never thought
I'd be the guy that's gonna,
"You wanna-
I'm gonna shut it down."
But I did it.
Then my daughter-
I tell her-
my adorable 3 1/2-year-old daughter,
I tell her
to do something,
and she sticks her ass out at me and says,
"Talk to the booty
'cause the hand's off duty."
And I look at my wife like,
"What the fuck is this?"
Block another show.
Then the last straw
before I gave up-my son.
We taught my son
how to make his bed.
He does shoddy work,
but that's not the point.
So I say, "No more TV.
You've got to go make your bed."
And he walks off
all pissed off,
and he turns back around and goes,
"Watch out, Dad, or we're
gonna beat you when you're old."
And I just went
straight for the controller.
I was like, "Okay,
you want to play with me, huh?
"You want me
to block another show?
#"What show is that?
What show is that?"
And he got nervous.
#He knew he was busted.
And he admitted,
"it wasn't a show.
I just made it up."
And then immediately
as a comedian,
I got so proud
because...
#it's funny,
it's a legitimate threat,
it implies he's been
keeping track of all this stuff,
and he's gonna take it out
on me when I'm old
and unable to defend myself
in a retirement community
somewhere asleep at night.
And him and his sister are going
to pop up out of nowhere,
Full Metal Jacket my ass,
like, "Aah!"
[wails]
"Remember Zack and Cody,
motherfucker?"
[wails]
- Whoo!
[cheers and applause]
- I just got to watch
what I say to the kids.
#You see, my wife has
a master's in education.
#She's a reading and writing specialist.
She's read
all the parenting books.
And then she leaves,
and it all goes
out the window, and I say
horrible things
to the children.
I was getting the kids ready
because I was gonna
go over to a comedian's house
for a barbecue.
We all hang out.
But she's gone.
So I get the little girl ready,
but I make the mistake
of sending my son
to get himself ready.
#Any parent knows that's a crapshoot.
He's gonna come out wearing
a cape and a bathing suit
like, "Let's do this."
No.
#But sure enough, he comes out,
but instead of the cape
and the bathing suit,
he got into the bottom
of his drawers and closet.
So he got old pants.
He had floods, holes
in both knees, old T-shirt.
Two years old,
so it doesn't fit him anymore.
#There's skin showing.
So he comes out looking like
this effeminate European drifter.
"Hello, father.
I'm ready for the barbecue.
"I hope they have
those little smokies there,
and I will suck on them."
Like, it's hard
not to laugh.
"No, you can't wear that.
What are you doing?
Why don't you wear
the good clothes?"
Then he got upset
because he put
a lot of thought
into his ensemble.
#He goes, "Aw, these are my favorite pants.
"I'm gonna wear 'em.
I just found 'em.
#"You said get ready.
"This is my favorite T-shirt,
and I got ready.
#I'm gonna wear it."
And here's me saying
something stupid.
I go, "Dude,
you're gonna be embarrassed."
And without missing a beat, he
just steps to me a little bit.
He goes, "I'm not
gonna be embarrassed.
They're your friends."
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, that's pretty good.
Sol made him
wear the outfit,
and it turns out
we were both embarrassed.
Taught a six-year-old shame,
and I never
told my wife about it.
I do it all the time.
l get-
It just comes out.
I say this horrible crap.
l cant-
It's what my dad did
and his dad did before him.
You know,
it's just a long history
of saying terrible shit to kids, I'm sure.
He said this to me,
and it really,
legitimately pissed me off.
So I was trying-
it was hard not to react.
But he said, "Dad, when are
we going to get the big house?"
[audience groans]
And I wanted to- we live in this
little, 1,300-square-foot house
in Los Angeles.
It's nothing much,
and I paid way too much for it,
so that just hit me, like,
that he's not happy
with this,
and we're lucky to be affording anything.
And so when he says,
"Dad, when are we going to get the big house?"
It took everything I could
not to fucking
grab him
and shake him and say,
"Do you know how much money
I spend on your sister and you,
"you son of a bitch?
You are the big house.
You are the big house!"
That's what I was feeling,
but you can't do that
because you get arrested.
So instead, here's me saying
something stupid.
I go, "Dude,
"lam very proud of this little house.
"And I bought it with my own
money doing a job that I love,
"and very few people
can say that.
#"And the people with the big house
get their money
through inheritance."
And then he goes,
"What's inheritance?"
And I go, "Shit.
"Okay, um...
"That is when Grandma
and Grandpa pass away,
"and then they give you
a bunch of money,
"and then you can buy stuff
you wouldn't normally
be able to afford otherwise,
like a big house."
And not only did I do a shitty
job of explaining inheritance,
but what I really did
is put us
on Nana and Papa deathwatch.
Now my mom comes over
and so much as coughs,
he's like, "Fuck, yeah.
Here comes the big house.
She's about to go.
I want a pool."
He's leaving
his skateboard out.
"Die, bitch."
[scattered applause]
You don't have to clap every time I take a drink.
I really am
just thirsty.
#[cheers and applause]
You guys are a great crowd.
This is nice.
[cheers and applause]
Are you having a good time?
You sure?
#[audience cheers]
No, I know you guys are,
but there's some people
who are like, "Meh."
Does it feel weird
that you're up front like this?
#Are you- Okay.
All right, well, try to look
like you're fucking-
just because the theater
is called Moody
doesn't mean you fucking have to be.
All right.
I do have some advice.
#I think we all need somebody
five years ahead of us
to give us
a little bit of advice, and this is weird stuff
that you're probably not going
to hear anywhere else.
But first of all, if you
have a little kid and you go-
don't give anybody
your phone number at the park.
And it sounds like something
you would never do.
Why would-like, that's where
the hobos exchange information.
But what happens
when you have a baby
is you go to the park, and your kid
starts playing
with another kid,
and then they get along,
and then some weird mom
comes over
and goes, "Hey, how you doing?
"My name's Gloria, and the kids
seem to be getting along.
#Can I give our number?"
And then you start hanging out
with those people.
And then your wife goes over
to their house for a play-date
because the kids get along
and it's a proximity thing.
And then the wife
comes home and says,
"Hey, her husband Bob
seems pretty cool.
You should start
hanging outwith Bob."
Now I'm hanging out
with fucking Bob.
I don't wanna
hang outwith Bob.
#I wanna hang out with my friends,
people that I think
are cool.
#Right?
I took over the play-dates
at one point
'cause I just couldn't take it anymore.
And see, I don't care
if my little kid
matches up with the other kid.
I just wanna hang out
with cool people.
My little kid-
my kid hated this other kid.
#And we were at a play-date one time.
He comes running up
and goes,
[panting] "Scotty bit me."
And I said, "Come here.
#"Let me explain this whole thing to you.
"See, Scotty's daddy has
box seats at the Staples Center.
"And Scotty's mommy is
a former Hawaiian Tropic model
"and likes to wear tight-fitting
clothing and high heels.
"So you better work it out
cause we're staying friends with Scotty.
"And I don't care if he's
a cannibal, you make it happen.
Daddy needs this."
[cheers and applause]
You don't have to breastfeed, ladies. Don't.
I don't encourage you
to do that 'cause-
See, what happens when you breastfeed
and you're pregnant,
the boobs are fantastic.
They're bigger, they're faster,
they're stronger.
But as a husband,
you can't touch 'em
because they're
too sensitive.
#And then by the time you're ready to get in there,
you're not left
with the original product
that you started with
in the first place.
#It's purely selfish.
See, my wife
had a nice "B" going, nothing crazy.
But then,
that's when you get
to a "C" or a
I get excited.
"Oh, this is awesome."
But you can't touch 'em
because they're too sensitive.
And then
they go down again.
#And then the process repeats itself.
The second kid
really does a number on them.
#So now, what was a nice
now one looks
like a man's wallet,
and the other one looks like a leather satchel
you might see
at a Renaissance fair
after it was dropped
by a falcon at a high altitude.
Now I got all kinds
of little hairy guys
coming up to me going,
"Sire, is that the satchel
that holds the one ring?"
"No, it's my wife's titties,
Frodo.
You and your buddies
better back the fuck up."
It's solid advice,
I think.
I can't stand people
who are married without kids,
always rubbing
their disposable income
and their travel plans
in your face.
They always come up and say
horrible shit like, "You know,
we're thinking about buying
a second place in France."
Oh, that's great.
The closest I'll come
to a place in France
is I might buy a crepe
at a food court,
and one of my kids will drop it
inside of three seconds,
and we'll all cry.
That's my place
in France.
They also say,
"We just really like our life the way it is."
Basically saying,
"We've seen you,
and we'll take a pass."
I'm finally comfortable
with "sir."
I'm not sure if anyone's there yet. No.
No, you're not a sir.
You're not a sir.
#You may be. Are you a sir yet?
How old are you?
- As. - as?
You're approaching it.
#Right, because if somebody calls you sir,
you're like, "No, man.
#"My name's Jason.
I'm not a sir."
Sorry,
that's my impression of you.
"No, man.
I'm-
Does Steve still work here?
I'm his buddy."
But with me-
I don't know what happens.
#There's-at a point in a man's life,
"Mix-a-Lot"
becomes
"Sir Mix-a-Lot," you know what I mean?
It's like it switches.
Somebody drops a "sir,"
and then you can't help but think,
"Hey,
where the fuck's my 'sir'?
#"I got a 'sir' coming over here.
"I just dropped a shitload
of money in this place.
I think
I got a 'sir' coming."
I'm fine with people
cleaning up after me.
I just am cool.
#Because when we first had a cleaning lady
come over to the house,
it was like I was cleaning up
before the cleaning lady
gets there.
#"Cleaning lady's coming.
"Come on,
let's get straightened up.
"Don't want her to think
we're complete assholes.
#Come on."
I was over
at a guy's house in L.A.
#They had a chef.
We were making fun of him
when we were walking in.
"Can you believe this fucking
douche bag's got a chef?"
Me and my wife
left that party going,
"We need a chef
as soon as possible."
I had a cleaning lady
in college.
#No shit.
I really did.
#It wasn't my cleaning lady.
It was-l had
a rich druggie roommate
in college freshman year.
#It was roommate lotto.
It was like
a Rodney Dangerfield
Back to School situation
that I just stumbled into.
#Moved off campus, luxury apartment, beer on tap.
It was awesome.
#And one of the craziest things
happened to me
in my entire life, I think.
We had a cleaning lady
come every single Monday.
Her name was Leonicia.
We called her Liam Neeson.
We thought that was hilarious.
Who knew it would
still be relevant
from Darkman to the Taken 2?
You know, this guy's
cranking out the movies.
#So Liam Neeson
is down
in the laundry room.
#50-year-old Guatemalan woman,
the Bible in her purse,
nicest lady you ever met,
downstairs and doing laundry.
Druggie roommate's
not home,
but druggie roommate girlfriend is.
Nobody knows
this character
better than Austin, I'll tell you that.
Because I've been
walking around.
#This baked, freshly showered
but still a little dirty
Rosanna Arquette look-alike,
eating Grape Nuts,
cackling at the television,
going,
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
#Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
She's on the couch
like she always is.
#We get a knock
at the door.
#It's Super Mario.
The super from the building
whose name was Mario.
It's the easiest nicknaming
anyone's ever done.
Overalls,
plumbing equipment, mustache.
We'd be playing Nintendo,
going,
"He's right there.
This is so crazy."
So Super Mario knocks
on the door and says, "Hey, man.
Liam Neeson is down-"
He was in on the nickname too.
"Liam Neeson is down in
the laundry room acting crazy,
mumbling something
about chocolates."
That's when druggie roommate
girlfriend Rosanna Arquette
goes, "U h-oh.
What about chocolates?"
Turns out
that they had a bowl
of mushroom-infused chocolates
on their dresser.
So psychedelic mushrooms
injected
into the heart of, like, See's candy
wrapped in foil,
like you'd see in somebody's cubicle.
Reese's peanut butter cups,
the miniatures.
Like, "Go ahead. Take one."
Well, she did.
#She's on two, tripping her balls off
in a laundry room.
I'm the only one
capable of helping out,
so I go down there,
investigate.
Look in the laundry room.
#Sure enough, 50-year-old Guatemalan woman
holding a sock,
laughing at the dryers.
#"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Holy shit.
This is happening. Okay.
I say, "Leonicia,
are you all right?
Everything okay?
Es bueno?"
"Mr. Al, ha, ha, ha, ha.
"I haven't eaten anything
all day except the chocolates.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Holy shit. Okay.
So I gather her laundry
and some lint animals she's created,
and I bring it upstairs.
#Rosanna Arquette,
no help at all
in this situation.
#First words out of her mouth, she goes,
"Liam Neeson.
You should go dancing."
"Come here for a second.
Can I talk to you?
"First of all, she doesn't know
her nickname is Liam Neeson.
"Secondly,
no one's doing any dancing.
#"We're lucky we don't go to jail here.
"This is
a serious situation.
#"If you don't have anything useful to suggest,
you need
to shut the fuck up."
So now I've got
to explain to this woman
that she's on drugs for the first time
in her entire life.
I'm third-generation Mexican
from San Francisco.
I'm assimilation
mission: accomplished.
All right?
But I'm working on speaking
some better Spanish.
My Spanish is shit,
but I got CDs and some tapes.
You know, I'm listening,
and I got something-
program on the Internet
that I'm doing.
No Rosetta Stone
will ever prepare you
to tell
a 50-year-old Guatemalan woman
with laminated letters from
the Corinthians in her purse
that she's about to take
a solo trip to 'shroomtown.
But I do my best.
And one of the side effects of
listening to this many lessons
is that I can't help but sound
like the guy in the tapes.
So I say,
Leonicia, escuche.
Los chocolates
son drogas.
[laughter applause]
Los chocolates
son drogas?
S I.
Los chocolates son drogas.
She reacts
the same way you'd expect
a 50-year-old Latina woman to act
when she has found out
she has taken mushrooms
for the very first time
in her entire life.
#She freaks the fuck out.
"I don't do the drogas!
I don't do the drogas!
#No drogas! No drogas!
I think partially upset
because she's having
a pretty good time on the drogas.
You should have seen her
in this laundry room.
#It was amazing.
Calm her down, rub her back.
Oprah's on.
Bring her a water.
Rosanna Arquette
fucks me up again.
She goes, "You should
get her a beer."
Before I can say anything,
Liam Neeson
pops her head up and says,
"Yes,
I would like a beer."
Oh, shit.
Now she wants to party.
And I say,
"Sorry, ladies.
"I just went to the refrigerator
and got the water.
"And while we have
mushroom-infused chocolates
on the menu today, we do not
have any beers at the moment,"
forgetting that she
is a referral
from other people in the apartment building.
She holds up a big-ass set
of keys and says,
"I know who has beer."
Within seconds, I'm off
on this mushroom-infused,
Scooby-Doo, Goldilocks quest
with these two idiots,
looking for brewskis
in other people's apartments.
She really does take us
right to the beer
in this old guy's place.
You know,
an old guy you'd see
in an apartment building you never talk to.
You see him at the mailboxes,
and you're like,
"Oh, there's that fucking guy."
Right?
#I'm in his place,
and she's wanting to dish now
on all of his stuff.
She wants to tell me
all about him.
#She says these words. She goes,
"He has antique dolls
on his bed,
and sometimes when I'm cleaning,
they look at me."
And I was like, "Well, fucking
don't go in there now."
That's the last thing
you want to see on mushrooms
is some
porcelain antique dolls.
It really is number one
on the things
you don't want to see on mushrooms.
Second being
taxidermied wolves,
and number three,
if you're a Guatemalan lady
doing mushrooms
for the first time, a mirror.
"Look at my face."
So we get the beers.
We go back to my place.
She never came back
that day.
#I don't know what happened
to her.
I do know that she had to go
to a hair appointment
over her pastor's wife's
hair salon.
She must have been
fucking crazy.
And I'm pretty sure
that's the title
of a Tyler Perry movie.
But she did
leave us with this.
We were holding hands at one
moment right before she left.
And she said,
"Mr. Al, on Sunday,
I was reading
"the Bible
to the children,
and now
I'm on the drogas."
[laughter applause]
I was like, "Yeah, that's pretty much how it fucking happens.
"You got to watch out.
Watch out for that stuff.
Bad news."
[cheers and applause]
I do hate my neighbors.
#I've invested way too much
in this little house.
#Bought it at the worst possible time.
I live across the street
from blue tarp guy.
#You ever see that house?
Where it rained and they
couldn't afford to fix their roof,
so they put a blue tarp
over the problem area.
Class it up
with some bricks.
It's like somebody threw
a 99c poncho on their house.
It makes me crazy.
#I mean,
because I find myself now
scrutinizing all of his purchases,
thinking he should be
saving up for his roof.
So you'll see me looking
through my blinds going,
"Are those fucking new Adidas?
That son of a bitch.
Fix your roof, asshole."
Finally I snapped on him. He came over.
He was like, "Hey, man.
You see Smurfs on Blu-ray?"
I'm like, "Did you fucking
see Smurfs on Blu-ray?
#"Fix your roof, dickhead.
"Save up.
The only thing blue
"you should be worried about is on your roof.
Fix it."
It's made me
a crazy person.
#Really, this house is making me a lunatic.
Because I'm worried
about my property value
and all the neighbors with the weeds,
and it's-
it's horrible.
I recently figured out
how to combat everyone.
And I'm going to pass on
this advice to you.
#I was on the subway in New York,
underground,
between 14th and 23rd on an "F" train.
And for those two stops,
you get a cell phone signal.
So I had looked
at my phone.
In about three minutes,
I'm desperate to take a look.
#Whip it out.
"Select a wireless network"
comes up, the box.
The wireless network
that's available to me
on the subway underground
is "lickmyass."
It's amazing.
#It's changed my life.
Because it used to be
if you wanted somebody
to anonymously tell you
to lick their ass,
you had to go
to a truck stop restroom and see
"lick my ass" etched into the side
of the toilet paper dispenser.
#A trucker worked on it overtime.
There's a little hairy ass
with a tongue next to it.
#It's a piece of art.
Now with technology,
you can send the signal
of "lick my ass"
by creating a mobile hotspot
on your device
to everyone in a two-block radius.
Lick my ass.
Lick my ass. Lick my ass.
It's an untraceable crime.
#I'm not going to walk around in a subway car going,
"Lick my ass? Lick my ass?
Lick my ass?" No.
It's genius.
Why aren't we all doing this?
Do you have wireless
at your house?
#You have a wireless network?
What's your wireless network
called?
- "AT&T. " - "AT&T. "
"AT&T."
This fucking stupid lady.
I'm sorry,
but you got to change it.
It's a missed opportunity.
We all live near creepy people.
Don't we?
People you suspect
of doing weird things.
You're like, "There's
that fucking guy again."
Just change your network name
when you go home.
Change it from "AT&T"
to "I see what you do."
"They're onto us!"
I changed mine right away
when I got home.
I have one in the front
and one in the back
because I have
this little detached garage
where I have my office.
And so in the front,
my network name is now,
"How many cars
do two people need?"
And my one
in the back is,
"Awful lot of vodka bottles
in your recycling."
Just saying.
I want to change
and do this.
This is what I'm gonna do.
This is my new plan.
I am going to get-
$125 a month-
I'm going to get
a wireless tower in my backyard.
I'm going to send out
a signal
to everybody in my entire neighborhood and provide
free wireless
for everyone.
#" Ow!
- Right?
#It's gonna be open. It's gonna be strong.
There's no boxes
you have to click, nothing.
But I'm gonna
call that network,
"Hulk Hogan's nut sack,"
just so I can make
a large group of people
think about Hulk Hogan's
disgusting nut sack.
#I've never seen it.
I didn't see the tape,
but I assume
that it's gross.
One's bigger
than the other.
#It's like the tan-orange.
Not-it's like orangey-tan,
but like a tan you'd see
on a Nerf ball
after it
had been left out in the sun
and chewed by a squirrel
a little bit.
And sun and rain, and sun and
rain elements on a Nerf ball.
You know what I'm talking about.
That orange.
It's got long, blond hairs
hanging off of it.
#They're highlighted.
It says, "Brother One,"
and, "Brother Two."
That's what his nut sack
looks like in my mind.
And you see what I did
to you people.
#I made you all think
about Hulk Hogan's
disgusting nut sack,
and I can do that
to a large group of people
on a regular basis.
#And then what I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna let it go
for four hours strong.
#Just run it.
And I'm gonna shut it down
for 15 minutes.
I'm gonna turn it back on,
and then I'm gonna turn it off.
Just so people
in coffee shops
in my neighborhood are gonna be going,
"Excuse me, are you
on Hulk Hogan's nut sack?
"Because I just got dropped
by Hulk Hogan's nut sack,
and it's usually
such a strong signal."
I have something
that I do right now.
#I do this.
I send my daughter out
on Halloween,
which is coming up.
And you can do this too
if you have little kids.
I have her communicate messages
to the neighbors.
So my daughter, at 3 1/2, she'll
say anything I want her to.
And she goes up as Tinker Bell,
dressed super cute,
walks up to the door and says,
"Trick or treat."
And they give her the candy.
She says,
"Thank you very much.
When are you gonna do something
about your fence?"
And walks away.
[applause]
And I'm just at the bottom
of the steps eating some Nerds.
"That's right."
That's nice.
- Whoo!
[cheers and applause]
- It's an exciting time
to be Latino.
#I got to tell you that.
- [screams]
[applause]
- Latinos are everywhere.
It's pretty exciting.
I mean, look.
Eventually we will start voting
and making a difference,
but for now,
I'll just settle with us being everywhere.
We really are.
I went with my dad.
We were in New York.
He was visiting me
at a show, and we were there at, like,
a New York deli, restaurant,
big diner thing.
And my dad,
he orders the enchiladas.
I go, "What are you doing
ordering the enchiladas?
"You should get a Reuben,
a pastrami, or matzo ball soup.
#What are you doing?"
He goes, "Well, on my way
to the bathroom,
"I couldn't help
but pop my head in the kitchen.
I feel pretty good about
my order of the enchiladas."
He was right.
They were delicious.
#There's day laborers everywhere.
I take advantage
of that all the time.
#Have you guys ever done that,
by round of applause?
#Anybody ever pick up a day laborer? You done that?
[sparse applause]
See, you guys haven't done it?
#Don't be intimidated by this.
It's easy to do.
#You wanna go to Home Depot.
You also wanna go
in the morning.
You wanna get yourself
a first-round draft pick.
You don't wanna show up
in the afternoon
when the "C" team's out there.
One-eye guy-
No, gracias.
I prefer dos ojos
on my day laborer, por favor."
So I show up
in the morning.
30, 40 guys
out there.
#I decide I'm gonna mess with 'em with my bad Spanish,
try to make 'em laugh.
#So I roll down the window, and I say,
"Quien es mas fuerte?
Who's the strongest?"
And instead of laughing,
they all started spontaneously flexing.
So it turned
into day laborer Mr. Olympia.
Hector.
Hector es mas fuerte.
Now I got to pick one.
I just need one guy.
So it becomes this weird
Bachelor rose ceremony
where I got to select
my fella.
And it really does become this
day laborer dating game show.
It's like,
"Contestant Number One.
#...He.s 5.2..' but don't let that fool ya.
"He can strap
a refrigerator on his back
"like a 12-year-old puts on
a summer school backpack.
"Meet Enrique!
[cheers and applause]
"Contestant Number Two.
#"Not only does he praise the Lord Jesus,
"his name's Jesus!
#[cheers and applause]
"Now let's do some question
and answer, shall we?
#"Contestant Number One,
"do you feel
that the regulatory reform
"passed by Congress known as
Dodd-Frank was too constricting,
"or do you think that it was
not restraining enough
in banks
known as 'too big to fail'?"
"I can do the plumbing."
"He can do the plumbing.
#"That was Enrique.
Contestant Number Two,
same question."
"Okay.
"Well, first of all,
the fact that any legislation
"could get passed
by this do-nothing Congress
"is shocking in itself.
"Secondly, it seems like
every single month,
"there's a new CEO that's retiring
"with a golden parachute
or an investment banker
"that is bilking his clients
out of millions of dollars.
"Now, can we blame
our government officials
"for trying to curtail
what is obviously
"a major problem,
or can we claim this
"as a positive step
in the right direction?
#"In conclusion,
I'd like to add that I can
also do the plumbing."
[cheers and applause]
So me and Jesus go driving off,
and it's awkward.
It's first-date awkward.
#We want to be talking to each other, but we're not.
My Spanish is horrible.
You've heard some of it.
#His English is nonexistent.
Let's be honest,
he didn't say any of that shit.
So we're driving
20 minutes in the car.
I'm going from Home Depot
to go to lkea
to get one of the kitchens.
You ever go to lkea, and you see
the fully done kitchens?
You're like, "This is
affordable, and it's nice."
Don't do it.
If you have a difficult time
assembling the bookcase,
don't ante up
to the kitchen.
#Stakes are high.
Even Jesus knew
when he saw the building.
#He goes, Ikea es e! diablo.
[laughter
scattered applause]
So we're driving.
#No conversation is being had.
You can tell
we're fun guys,
but we're just not talking.
We need a miracle
to bond over.
#That miracle happens.
Spot an African-American woman
at a bus stop with humongous boobs.
Real nice ones,
racism-ending boobs.
Jesus sees the boobs.
I see the boobs.
Jesus turns to me
and takes a chance.
Says, "Amigo,
te gusta chichis negra?"
[laughter]
Translation, "Hey, friend.
You like black tits?"
Oh, I know this.
Si, si. Me gusta chichis
negra, Jesus, me gusta.
Friendship forms.
At that moment,
I realize I have more in common
with this day laborer than
my two brothers and my wife.
And we held on
to that for the rest of the day.
It was amazing what it did
for our relationship.
I'm not sure if anyone's
assembled a large amount
of Ikea stuff at one time,
but it's one
of the most horrible things
I've ever done in my entire life.
I was so frustrated
at one point,
I was ready to drive back to Ikea,
kidnap anybody
in a yellow and blue polo,
take them hostage, do like
this Baghdad-style videotape
with an Allen wrench
to their temple,
saying, "Either this shit gets assembled
"and aligned properly,
or this guy gets it.
#"And throw in some of those meatballs
'cause Jesus is starving."
And no matter
how frustrated I got-
Shit would break as we were making it.
If you don't have a buddy
to hold it in the right place-
it's made of press-board
and glue.
#And my wife was
on my back, and my contractor
was on my back.
#And here I am fixing up this house
that my son doesn't even want
in the first place.
#I'm in this neighborhood
with this blue tarp guy.
#I don't know if I'm gonna get
my money back
on this thing.
#I'm near a cholo waterfall.
What am I doing?
#And I walked away at my ultimate moment of frustration,
just not knowing how this job
was going to get done,
a tear brewing up
from my eye.
And I just-
I didn't know what to do.
#But my new friend
Jesus knew
exactly what to say.
#He stopped me,
and he goes,
"Amigo...
#Chichis negra.
"Ah, right.
Oh, you're right.
That totally works."
All right,
thank you very much, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
[FisherGreen's
Sisters Brothers plays]
II
- I Put your hands together I
I Stomp your feet
on the ?oor I
II
I We're gonna try it again I
I Like they did before I
II
I Open up your mind I
I Turn off that radio I
II
Ain't sellin'
nothin' here I
I Just sharing
a little bit of soul I
II
I Come on sisters, brothers I
I We owe this
to each other I
I Yeah, come on
brothers, sisters I
I Sit back
let that music hit ya I
II
I Let me see ya I
I Let me let me see ya shake it loose I
II
I Don't worry what that toots I
I Thinkin' next to you I
II
I Drop it like it's hot I
I Right down on the floor I
II
I When you think you've had enough I
I Get up and get
you some more I
II
I Put your hands together I
I Stomp your feet on the ?oor I
II
I We're gonna try it again
like they did before I