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Alex & The List (2018)
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[dogs panting] [panting] Whoo! [cell phone ringing] Shit. [lively chattering] [man] You know, I think that... - They asked me to, right? - No. You know? The hill? It's good you're late. You're getting too thin. Eat something. Where is she? I became completely gluten-free, which for me was a definite journey. Wait, was this because of an allergy? Oh, no, no, nothing like that. Oh, that's good. I'd be so concerned. There's a lot of food that has gluten. [blowing softly] You're spectacular. And you're sweaty. [chuckles] - [dog barking] - Stop it. - Stop it. - [dog continues barking] Stop it! Stop, stop, stop it! Oh! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Sorry. Stop it. - Oh! - [conversations stop] He's brilliant with dogs. He coaches them professionally. May I? - Oh, my. - Here we go. - [whimpering] - There we go. [guests] Aw. All right. You see, she... She thinks my shoe hitting the floor is an act of God. Now she associates that unpleasant noise with barking. - [whimpers] - She's actually really sweet. No one has ever called my dog sweet. - [chuckles] - You must be Alex. Uh, you must be Victoria. - [Victoria] Yes. - [growling] [stifled sneezing] [clears throat] [Victoria] Are you all right? Yeah, just a little allergic. I'll be fine. You are going to come with me. I'm going to show you off. - [sneezing] - [Victoria] Hello, everybody. Really see it. Picture it. Picture a coin. Picture a coin. There we go. [laughs] What would be really great... is if it were something... [woman gasps] ...that I could give to my lady. - [man] Oh! - [laughing] You know, I'm starting to like your, uh, bizarre, insane... sometimes pretentious friends. Well, you know, there's some very talented, powerful people here. - Yeah? - [chuckles] There he is. Hey, buddy. - [Alex chuckles] - How you doing? Dave, what a sight? Oh. Uh-huh. Oh. Hey. This is a great party, really. - Okay. Thank you. - [woman laughing] [groans] You do realize that he presses up against me, he rubs back and forth, pressing his chest into my boobs, right? He-He's just really excited to see you. [chuckles] I'll talk to him. Again. [laughing] [coughs] Hmm. I'm getting myself another martini. Anyone want anything? A Sapphire and tonic. Cosmopolitan. Alex, how about a real drink? Are you fine with your non-alcoholic gay cranberry thing? [Lily] It's not gay. When one person doesn't drink, it's such a buzzkill. It brings everyone down. [whispering indistinctly] - Hmm. - Okay. I look like a piece of shit next to her. [chuckling] No, you don't. I do. [sighs] Was I charming and likable? Captivating. I think I am in love with her. Wow. That's huge. You hate women. True. I come from a long line of women-haters. My grandmother didn't like women, my mother didn't, and I don't. But Katherine, I mean, she has a beautiful voice, a nice laugh, no irritating quirks, and a good enough personality. She's perfect, right? And I love that she doesn't despise me like your other girlfriends. Remember Robyn? [exhales] I will never forget her. She looked at me with that homicidal glare in her eye. Yeah. She was a great cook. She was. Well, I mean, why isn't Katherine with one of these handsome, wealthy guys then? Because she doesn't want the good-looking studs. She wants you. She loves your old-fashioned sense of chivalry. You're a gentleman. All right. - Check this out. - Hmm? Oh... Oh, my God. Alex. It's stunning. It's my grandmother's. [softly] Wow. When are you gonna give it to her? [door opens] What's going on in here? Uh, um... Michael's had too much to drink. They have to do this shot exactly at nine o'clock, so... [clears throat] Yeah, I'm on another IVF cycle. - The seventh one. - Oh, I'm sorry. Well, at least you have Nicky. I know, but, um, one is just not enough. You'll see. You know what? Let me do it. I bet I can do it better. I bet she can. I mean, I'm sure this is fun for you in some way, but... [Lily and Katherine laughing] [clears throat] [Katherine] All right. [Katherine] Oh, you poor thing. Make sure you blow on it. [Katherine] Okay. [Katherine blowing] [Lily] Just stick it in. [Lily groans] [Lily] Slowly. I have to ask you, Lily. How did you know that Michael was the one? That is a very good question. And I think I know where you're going. Okay. I discovered when you have to make a tough decision, you do it from the heart. I know, most people think the heart is purely an emotional organ, but it's not. It's actually quite cold and unemotional. It's logical, but it knows what's best. More than the brain sometimes. You just... you have to know what you want in a man. You could even write it down. [Michael] He is not going to propose. Yes, he is. [laughing] He's a child. Hangs onto you like you're his mommy. Runs to you when there is the slightest crisis. [laughing] I can see why you only dated him three times. Actually, it was four. And he pretends Nicky's his son. He's my boy. He's lonely. He doesn't have any family. I know he doesn't. And I want him to get there. - Hmm. You smell good. - Hmm. You know Katherine's not gonna put up with this. Why do you? Because I have... this. You and Dave are so different. Yeah. He's one of those friends you inherit from childhood. There for life. I'm sorry. I know he's crude. But he looks out for me, and I look out for him. [chuckles softly] [dog growling] [barking] [toy squeaks] Come here, buddy. Come here. Use it up, buddy. Use it up. Use it up. Hey. [taps floor] Mail? Good boy! Good boy. Bring it here. Bring it here, bud. Good boy. Remember Katherine's brother? Gary? The weird guy. He's getting married. Maybe I could bring you. Come on. You ready to go to work? [sniffs] [whimpers] [Alex] Does he ever walk around like he's drunk? Yes. [whimpers] Prolonged staring where nothing distracts him? Sometimes. Bang his head against the wall? Yes. Does he eat his own feces? Not that I'm aware of. [dog whimpers] Well, Gumball here, he's experiencing anxiety. - We're gonna find out why. - [whimpers] Take a deep breath. [exhales] We're just gonna go in one smooth movement. - All right. - It's all good. - Smooth. - Smooth. - Smooth. - Smooth. Smooth movements. It's all good. Just like... Look, he's fine. - Enzo's good. He's good. - What if he bites me? He's not gonna bite you. I promise you. He's not gonna bite you. - Okay. - He's not gonna bite anybody. - Promise? - I promise you. Let's do it. [Alex] Good boy. Good boy. Isn't that the one that bit you? Sure is. You never cease to amaze me. Wanna grab an early bite? Can't. I have a date. - Can I come? - [laughs] I'm proposing to Katherine tonight. Oh. I hope she doesn't say no. - I've never had anyone say yes. - Hmm. - [kids shouting] - Sir! You kid is playing with your dog's shit. You might want to clean that up. [dog barking] [muted conversations] - [slow jazz music playing] - [waiter] Here's the appetizer menu that you wanted. - Just let me know if you need anything. - [man] Thank you. [waiter] I recommend the calamari. So this dog... Uh... Yeah, he, um... Anyway, he's just... he's like getting more and more anxious, and I think he's gonna have to go on anxiety medicine or something like that. Oh, my God. - Yeah. - That's really serious. Alex, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You take me seriously. You listen to me. You think I'm smart. You make me laugh. I thought about this. Methodically. From my heart. I wrote it down. And what I'm trying to say is... let's go the distance. Oh, and don't take any of this as criticism. These are just well-thought-out suggestions. Think of them as observations. Like, um, this first one. Get teeth whitened. Don't be embarrassed by it. A lot of people have this problem. Yellow, dullish looking teeth. It can make one look a little older. I get them done every six months. As you know. This next one is very fun and a no-brainer. Upgrade wardrobe. You've this great, perfect body for clothes. Let's show it off. And I'm a soon-to-be designer. Okay, three, I'm very excited about. Like sports. I mean, come on, let's be honest. Gary did not quite turn out to be the son my dad wanted. I was the one who grew up loving sports. Loving sports. Football, basketball, baseball. Soon as I hear Al Michaels' voice, I go straight back to those halcyon days where my dad and I are arguing and cussing, and he's downing a whole bottle of California Red and throwing the remote at the TV. [laughing] I mean, you are a sports guy. Just you like the ones that aren't on the major networks. Like Snooker. Just, you know, if you just try to like the sports that other people know about, my dad... will be yours for life. And that's something we can do together every Sunday night. With my dad. [inaudible] [jazz music continues] And, Alex, really, if there is anything you want me to change, anything you want me to change, I-I will do it. I don't want you to change a thing. I really think we can have one of those great relationships of all-time. You know what would really be the icing on the cake? No. If we could finish this... in time for Gary's wedding. [chuckles nervously] - [pounds table] - You know what? That's perfect. That's perfect. You know why? Because everybody's gonna be there. All your friends, your relatives, your family members. Everybody that's important in your life. No, I just... I want... them to see the kind of couple that we can be. Yeah. No. Of course, that's... obviously... what this thing is about. Showing all of them, all those important people how great you are. No, I'm sorry, how great we are. Right? You know what? Let's treat this like a game. Right? Come on! [exhaling] [cell phone ringing] [yelling] You remember that Russian girl I was emailing a while back? One who loves dogs? [TV playing indistinctly] [sighs] [laptop chimes] [woman with Russian accent] Hello, my love, Alex. You are ray of light on my heart. Yes, I give to you pardons that long you not writes to me. [Lily] "You imagine dream today "has dreamed me. It was such bright and fine." [chuckles] "I am at home. "You enter my room, and I feel your aroma." [laughing] "You cautiously place me in a sofa "to unbutton me. "The dress and your soft hands start to caress my breasts softly." Oh! "And our bodies merge as a whole "and you compress me so strong. "Then we start to be borrowed love. About as I would like that this dream appeared the truth." What the hell are you doing? I thought you stopped emailing the Russian two weeks after you met Katherine. I did stop. You were doing that out of loneliness, and you're not the lonely guy anymore. What's wrong with keeping my options open? Options? Uh, what are you talking about? She's a nurse from Ivanovka, in the Kirov area. That's interesting. Wait a minute. What happened? [Lily] Did she, um, say anything as to how she came up with this? Uh, something about the heart being smarter than the brain. Oh my. Jesus! I mean, this is really incredible. I just didn't expect this. I know. The audacity of it. I mean, it's humiliating. No. No, it's not humiliating. It's actually quite brilliant. It makes me sound like a loser. Well, what she's saying is, she wants to marry you. Uh, no, no, no, no. I don't... I don't see that in any way at all. No woman would give a guy a list like this unless she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life. Hmm? And every woman has a list. She just wrote it down. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. That's my dad's root beer. Oh, Michael's home. Let's see what he thinks. This ought to be good. She expects Alex to become a Jew? People convert all the time, Michael. And Judaism is a beautiful religion. Why is number seven crossed out? That's "Replace male friend who is a bad influence." You mean me? Fuck her. - No, no. Dave. - She means Dave. We crossed it out, so he's not gonna do that one. Okay. "Get teeth whitened." What about Alex's lifelong dentist phobia. That's no joke. - [Michael] Very serious. - We'll help him through it. Look, Alex. [Michael sighs] If a woman gave me this list, this is what I would say to her: "You do know if I make these changes, "I won't love you anymore. "I love you because you love my faults. "If I fix them, "I'd have to raise my standards, and you won't make the cut. Now do you really want to hand me that list?" Wait a minute. Men expect women to be perfect. Like, all the time. You expect us to have perky tits, firm asses, and perfectly symmetrical facial features. And then you expect us to have your kids, and then have our bodies go back to looking great. And we're not allowed to age. Not a sag, not a wrinkle. So do not tell me Katherine did anything wrong. How's he gonna pay for this shit? Well, remember the money his parents left him. This could be good strategically. If you do Katherine's list, you'll have leverage over her. She'll owe you. Oh, honey, always so Machiavellian. Alex, if you don't do this, you'll regret it. [Dave] And why is number seven crossed out? Uh, it's "Replace male friend who's a bad influence." You mean me? Oh, fuck her. No, no, no. She means, uh, Michael. Oh, okay. Look, dude, Alex, everybody has some weird shit. I guarantee you she does. Like what? How about that she gave you a list? This is my life, okay? I'm never gonna find another girl like this. Yes, that's one hundred percent true. [groans] [chair squeaking] [sighs] What's with the plastic furniture, man? It's inflatable. I can pack this up and be out of here in ten minutes if I have to be. Jesus. Look at the way we live. This is so fucked up. No, it's not. Hey, we are youthful-ish. We're allowed to be like this. After 40, it's starts to get pathetic, but we're still okay. [chair squeaking] [Mrs. Stern] Katherine's got an eye. [Mr. Stern] I have an eye. I pick out my own underwear and socks. Don't need to pay anyone for that. Dad. You don't need to work. Uh, do it as a hobby. - I'm gonna be a designer. - Ah. You have a very talented daughter, my dear. Don't sell her short. Do I have to work? Yes. You're a man. Honey, you're never gonna have to worry about money. But your... husband should be able to support a family. Do you think that idiot with the dogs is gonna support you? I mean, what kind of profession is that? What's next, elephants? What about elephants? [doorbell rings] Alex is here. Hi. Hi. Well, I-I'll let you two, um... Whatever. We had to pick Nicky up from school and then... Lily demanded to come so... Well, they should come in. No, they're fine. Um, I just wanted to talk to you. I'm not gonna do your list. I know. I never should have asked you. It's not fair. Uh... No, no, it's not fair. To expect you to do all those things that I wrote down, it's a lot. Yeah, it is a lot. Well, it's not. I mean... I could do them. I know. You could, very easily. I believe in you. Yeah, that's right. I mean, I could probably do them perfectly if I chose to. Of course. But I don't want to. Okay. Hello, Alex. Um, I just wanted to ask, your friend and her son are still out there. Should I bring them something to drink? Oh, don't worry about it. I'll go get them, Mom. Hey! Uh... you didn't say anything to Alex? About what? Our bedroom conversation. I didn't say anything about you. Okay. Look, just promise me, you'll never tell him. I'm not gonna tell him, but you were the inspiration. I would never have thought to do that without you. No, no, no. I was not the inspiration. I'm not the inspiration. You wrote the list, okay? I didn't tell you that part. You don't have to worry about it. He's not gonna do it. He's not? Because I kinda told him that he should. - You did? Really? - Yes. Shouldn't we get your son out of the hot car? Yes. Yeah. Yes. [laughing] Oh, God. That's a really good idea. Oh. Okay. This is so embarrassing. Oh! I look like a rat. I have Nicky set up in front of the TV in the den with a treat. - Thank you. - He's so darling. Katherine showed him her old room, her stuffed animals. So, Gary, you excited about the big day? What big day? - Your wedding. - He's thrilled. Alex, do you have a minute? Something to drink? I'm having scotch. No, I'm okay. Are you? Alex... [sighs] Katherine showed me the list. And I want you to know I wholeheartedly support your choice not to do it. Look around. This is her world. It's not yours. She expects a lot. Too much from men. But... it's not her fault. It's mine. Let me help save you from the pain of trying to fit in with all of this. You're a dog guy. That's fine. We don't have any dogs. We did seven IVFs to get one kid, and he never complained once. Each time, he had to sit in a little room and jerk off to some 1980s porn that other men have jerked off to. - [Lily chuckles] - Jerking off. Been there. [both laugh] And then he had to put the cup in a paper bag and walk it across the room like a child carrying his lunch and give it to his secretary. - [Lily laughing] - Paper bag. [engine revving, tires screeching] What the hell was that? This is gonna be very interesting. [opera playing on stereo] [exhales] - [keys jingle] - [music stops] Oh! [laughing] Wow, that's a beauty! - Thank you. - Come on in. [speaking Italian] - [laughing] - [Mr. Stern] Everyone, may I introduce Dr. Antonio Rosenblatt. Best optometrist on the West Side. Buongiorno. Rosenblatt? Yeah, my father is Jewish. My, uh, mom is from Florenzia. [gasping] Fascinating. Interesting. Well then, you're not actually Jewish 'cause you're mother isn't. No, no, I'm Jewish. Who is this beautiful little man? He's mine. I'm the mother. Lily. [clears throat] - Does he like cars? - Oh! Loves them. Well then, we'll take you for a ride later on then. I would love that. - And, uh, my daughter Katherine. - Hey. Oh, wow. [laughing] What? That's my thing. I do the magic tricks. [speaking Italian] Do not show your hand, okay, Alex? Be strong. That big, overly Italian guy isnt' a threat. [Alex] Not a threat? Come on. Look at you. You can't even help yourself. Please, please take me for a ride in your European car later. - [Lily] Okay, stop. - [Alex] Your penis must be gargantuan just because you're Italian. Suddenly, I don't care about my husband and my child. - Run away with me. - Alex, stop. Stop. There's just something about Italians, okay. - It's hard to explain. - Oh God. All women react like this. I mean, look at him. - [speaking Italian] - [Lily] Oof! [Lily] But it doesn't really mean anything. [indistinct conversations, laughter] Good coffee goes a long way. Katherine, I'm doing the list. Well, my friend, you have seven cavities, receding gums... - Ah! - ...and cracked enamel. I'm not even sure I can save that one. Also, your front incisors are a bit rabbit-like. - I'd like to file those down. - [Lily snickers] Sorry. Rabbit-like. Teeth whitening comes last, after all these other procedures. Uh, well, I appreciate your concern for the health of his teeth. The reason we came here is for the teeth whitening. I'd like to discuss what kind of white you'll be using. White. Well, there are other shades and intensities and... different variations on white. I-I'll show you. I thought this might come in handy. See, um... eggshell white might be a nice one. Yeah, no, that's really nice. Uh, what about polar bear? Mm, that might be a bit too dingy. How about something a little closer to, ooh, nebulous white. Ooh, that... that is a very nice neutral white. - Yeah, exactly. - I think you're right. - Polar bear. - [chuckles] Is it polar bear or nebulous? - I think it's nebulous. - Definitely nebulous. [machine whirring] [dentist] Open. [groans] [machine whirring] [grunting] You conquered a lifelong fear. I'm so proud of you. [slurring] I'm so proud of you. Definitely less, uh, rabbit teeth. [laughing] It's outstanding. Look, it's outstanding. Outstanding, huh? You don't need this. Yeah, yeah, Oxycodone. You definitely don't need all these. Yeah, I'll take a few. - [door bumps] - [Katherine] Oh God. [Alex laughing] [Katherine] It's for my parents really. You know my dad. It would make things less complicated. Many people stereotype Jewishness. Characterize them as nitpicky, stingy, scheming merchants. Misers collecting diamonds, counting money. Uttering phrases like, "Shalom, mazel tov, Oy vey" Constantly hearing about bagels, violin playing, haggling. The complaining, guilt-inflicting Jewish mother. The spoiled, materialistic Jewish-American princess. The often meek but nice Jewish boy. You sure you're not anti-Semitic. That all spilled out of your mouth a little too easy. I take umbrage at that. I am just a concerned friend who can't believe you're doing this for a woman. [breathes deeply] Hey, remember. No more Christmas, no more Easter Bunny. Think about it. [blowing] Do you know what it means to convert? Uh, you... become a Jew. It's a little more complicated than that. I've known the Sterns for... over 20 years. I've watched Katherine grow up. Yes, she's spoiled, and she has a good heart. And she certainly knows what she wants. Do you? Sometimes. You know that it is my job to dissuade you from converting? I'm committed to protecting the Jewish religion and the Jewish people. My personal feeling is to welcome people to this beautiful faith. But... if they are not serious... or they have stereotypical ideas, beliefs... Oh, no, no. No, no. I-I am serious. I am totally serious. I don't want to harm any Jews. I would protect them all if I could. I respect Jews. I... I've watched Jews my whole life. The entire Holocaust was terrible. Ho-Horrific. It makes me sick like... uh, and... but... They've done so well for themselves in Hollywood now. I mean, they make all those great... movies and... That was the stupidest thing I have said. I'm sorry I said that. I'm babbling. What about your family? Gone. I'm sorry. I like you. You're honest. You didn't come here and tell me what you thought I wanted to hear. You didn't try to fool me. I'm not very good at that. - All right. - [taps desk] Let's start with the basics and move on from there. And I think you may be surprised at what you learn. Okay, Rabbi. Do I call you Rabbi? Yes. Did you know rabbi means teacher? We educate people in how to connect to God and to spirituality. I like that. The process takes about six months. Uh, that's actually not... gonna work because I need to be Jewish in three weeks for Gary's wedding. We'll deal with that when we get to it. But for now, you need to study. You'll also have a mikveh, a ceremonial baptism. And you will need to be circumcised. Oh, I am. I, uh... I believe you. It's a ritual circumcision by a mohel. It's not as bad as it sounds. Okay. [sighs] [Lily] When I came here, I hated all American sports, especially baseball. I mean, it was torture. I didn't get it, at all. Then, I started to get to know the players. This one's married. This one's single. This one's good-looking. I started to see the pictures, the split finger fastball, the cutter, the sinker, change-up. I began to understand the strategy. I decided to change how I felt about baseball. And now, I'm more passionate about the game than Michael. And then, there is football, American football. There's no other sport that makes grown-up men cry, brings them to their knees more than football. It taps into our most primal instincts. So, allow yourself to enjoy the epic struggle, the spectacle that is football. [crowd on TV cheering] Come on, run it down their throats. Time to air it out. Go long! [laughing] [TV announcer talking indistinctly] Maybe he should dump it off short. - No. - Pssh, of course not. Good try, Alex. Brady likes to stay aggressive, move it down the field. Yeah, except the defense is expecting that. They have their nickel package in. [Mrs. Stern] That's true. Brady better be careful. That was a good try, babe. Okay. Third and one. Run it off tackle. Get the first down. [TV commentary continues] Or... maybe he should fake it into the line and go deep. Oh, that's bold, Alex. [commentator] ...fires into the end zone. Touchdown! [all cheering] Outstanding, Alex. Good. Good work. Good... Hey, come over here. Sit by me. Katherine, give him some room. [commentator 1] What a touchdown by 22. [commentator 2] He's a great football player. Unfortunately, earlier in the season, he took a big hit. You know, I wouldn't be surprised to see him bootleg it here. Hey, I got my own John Madden next to me. [knocking] [TV commentary continues] He's so surgical in that position. Changing up tempos like that. His guys giving him passing lanes. Hey, Brady's got ice water in his veins. No-flinch mentality. Damn you, Brady! [Mr. Stern] I'm taking you to a game. Jesus. Fifty-yard line, ten rows back. How the hell did you get these? Go get yourself a drink. Oh, I brought you something to drink. Wow! 1967 Bordeaux. Antonio, you didn't need to do that. Alex, uh, why don't you open it? Or do you need some help? Tell you what. You go ahead and open it yourself. You might wanna decant it first. Although it's probably lost all its fruit by now. Katherine, go get him. Patriots are the forces of evil. Alex, please. Don't go. [sighs] You know I didn't invite him. My dad did. He is stalking you. He's an optometrist. That's not a real doctor. The real doctor is an ophthalmologist. Mr. Antonio Rosenblatt is a pretend doctor. He sells glasses. What a scam. And you, oh, "Yes, may I please have some of your special wine." Because everything Italian is automatically incredible just because it's Italian. And by the way, I'm pretty sure he's not Italian. He sounds French to me. I don't know why anybody else doesn't hear that. How'd you know about the wine and the football? Because when I say I'm gonna do something, I do it. Hundred percent. I like that. All right, uh... I guess I'll go get back to your dad. I don't wanna be rude or anything. I don't wanna be a dick. Where do you think you're going? I guess it is only the beginning of the third quarter out there. My dad's never leaving that game. And that score is pretty tight. Really tight. We have a good 32 minutes. [Katherine] This next one is very fun and a no-brainer. Upgrade wardrobe. You have this great, perfect body for clothes. Let's show it off. [laughing] Hmm. [cell phone ringing] I'm sorry, I gotta go. It's Victoria. Uh-oh. Wardrobe emergency? Yes. One of our big clients who no one can stand, apparently, she hates the dress I pulled for her. I'll get back soon as I can. I'm so sorry. But there's so many beautiful clothes here. Have fun. [Katherine] Mix and match. Do whatever you want. It's gonna make you look so handsome. [Alex] I was finally getting comfortable around Mr. Stern. Like we were bonding. We were watching football. And then this Antonio guy comes in. He ruined everything. Ruined the whole moment. What do you think I should do? Tell him to go away. I shouldn't punch him? Only policemen and Marines are allowed to punch. Only what? Policemen and marines are allowed to punch. [laughs] That's a good point. We're oddballs, huh? - Yeah. - Yeah. I think we need to be more like Steve McQueen. Yeah. [sighs] [men grunting] Grunters. What the hell? Look at that lame fuck. Alex, my friend! Who's he? That's the Jewish-Italian optometrist. Clearly sounds French though. [Michael] The one who wants to get into Katherine's pants? That's the one. Look who dropped by, Alex. Great. How about we play a match? Terrific idea. That's all right. I think we'll come back. Absolutely. Let's do this. [chuckles] Yea-oh! Kick their asses. Fuck me! Fuck me! [grunting] - Ooh! - [laughing] You know, Katherine is a very special woman. She deserves the best. Oh, she's more than satisfied with what she's got. No, she's not. What'd you say? What'd you say? My serve. [grunting] Oh! - Ooh! - Ooh. [groans] Sorry, that was an accident. Ah, you're okay. Just, uh, walk it off. [groans] [laughing] [sneezes] [whirring] [creaking] [dog barking in distance] [thudding] Oh, Jesus. [Russian accent] Transfers you the greetings, my love! [dog panting] What the hell is she doing here? - Did you tell her to fly over? - No, Dave, I didn't. She must've misunderstood me. Look, I gotta get out of here. Just keep here here until, uh... until I get back. I don't know how long that's gonna be. No problem. Does she speak English? Your dog, it likes a stroke. Okay, we're good. Don't worry. I come back. Dave... good guy. [loudly] What do you do in Russia? I work as the seller-advisor. To me I like when people thank if I in what that have helped them and on them faces smile. Listen, do not mess with her. Hey, buddy, this is your thing. Now go. [slaps ass] Beat it. To keep our relationship fresh, we should go out every week, explore the city, do different things. It would be like a first date each time. [Lily] Special night out every week. I haven't had one in years. I've earned it. She hasn't. All right, fine. Give her the damn special night out. Just... Just wait. I know you wanted to go out, but... Alex... it's beautiful. - Yeah? - Mm-hmm. Okay, I'm gonna go check on the fillets in the oven. Fillets? Wow. Um, why am I not sneezing? Oh, I de-Tuckerized the whole place. Yeah, he's gone for the evening. There is no CSI that could find any evidence of canine DNA in here. [softly] Thank you. Yeah. I'll be just one sec. [sniffs] [sniffs deeply] [exhales] Hmm. It's from California. Heaven. How did you find that? I have my ways. I don't know how you pulled this off. [clattering] - [dog barking in distance] - What's that? Holy shit. What's going on? No, no, no. Anastasiya. Go. Back. Dave. Now. I come to here. Alex tell me. - Do you know this girl? - No, absolutely not. But you know her name. Okay, I kind of know her. Are you having an affair? Oh, my God, no. No. I was hurt after you gave me the list. I went online just to talk to somebody. - She's from Russia. - I'm from Russia. I never told her to come. - He said come. - No, I didn't say that. [speaks Russian] I don't understand what you're saying, but you need to get your ass out of here before I mess you up. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. - [gasps] What! Stop! - Bitch! - Hey! Russian girl. Think you're trying to find an American husband. - Baby, what are you doing? - Why aren't you protecting me - from this lunatic? - I am. Just... - Get out of here. Now. - But you said come. - Dave. - Alex, what... [shouting in Russian] So sorry about that. [Katherine panting] Okay. I know that was... weird. A Russian off the Internet? How tacky. I told you, it was a mistake. All right? I'm an idiot. Katherine, look, I'm doing the best I can with this stupid list thing. In fact, I'm pretty sure no other guy in the world would put himself through this. You know, I went against all of my instincts as a man to please you. Oh, stupid list? You know who inspired that stupid list? Your good old friend you can't seem to live without. Remember my little bedroom talk with Lily? You nailed it. What a wonderful special night out. [Lily] I didn't tell her to give you the list. Okay? I told her that you have to know what you want in a man and maybe write it down. Well, that's great. So you were the inspiration then. Okay, yes! Yes, I was the inspiration, - if you want to look at it that way. - Great. I was just trying to help you get moving 'cause you just sit there. - You never make a decision. - Stop acting like you're my mom. - Stop interfering. - You need me to interfere. Oh God. Oh, I'm sorry, Alex. I'm sorry. God, I just can't keep my mouth shut. And I do interfere. It's pathological. I can't help myself. Oh God. It's just that it's too much fun interfering. It makes me feel like I'm part of it. Now I fucked up your future with the perfect girl. No, no. No, no, you did not. She put chocolate on you because of this? No, the crazy Russian. The crazy Russian, she flew in here, found my address, I don't know how. She scared the crap out of me. Uh, Dave was supposed to be watching her, but she just burst in the middle of the dinner with Katherine, starts demolishing the place, and rubs chocolate on both of us. And now Katherine thinks I've been having an affair with this girl. - [Alex] It's not... - [both laughing] That's the funniest thing ever. You should see the dress that... I want to know exactly what's so funny, but I already took my pill. So, Lily, come to bed. And, Alex, you'll stay in the guest room. Okay. Good night, honey. [both laughing] [shushing] It's pancake day. Okay. This Russian sounds wild. - Oof. - I wanna hear every detail. But, Alex... I think under the circumstances, everything is fair game now. Who knows about Katherine, right? Who knows what the hell she's doing. If I were you, I would take a look at this Russian. [Russian accent] A good look. [laughing] Test the waters. For 28 years, I am living with Mama. She works in an agriculture. She looks after birds. From what you become happy? What to give to your face a smile? Alex, tell to me. Uh... dogs. I love for them! [classical music playing] [indistinct conversations] Have you ever been in love? Many times. But with each relationship, your idea of love changes. And I think that's a good thing. I will have the chicken parmigiano. That-That's not Italian. Of course it is. [Italian accent] Chicken parmigiano. [both chuckle] Uh, no, I mean, an Italian would never take a chicken, fry it, and put a lot of sauce and melted cheese on it. That's just not an Italian dish. It is to me. I think it's delicious. It's our best-selling dish, sir. Well... I wouldn't order it. I'm sure there's better things on this menu. Wh-Where's your chef from? Seems like Northern Italy. He's from Mexico. So this is American food? In that case, I will have, um, New York strip, medium rare. Chicken parmigiano. [Katherine clears throat] I'm sorry, Katherine, but in Italy... I know, everything in Italy is superior. Guess we're not as persnickety about our food because we're so busy being a superpower. For example, in America, we do not take a nap from 2 to 4 p.m. because we think it's lazy and bad for business. By the way, how are the eyeglasses selling? You're upset because it didn't work out with Alex. You're right. I'm sorry. I know you, Katherine. You're a woman who needs to experience the best in life. And I can give you this. I am never getting married. I made that choice a long time ago. Makes my life a lot easier. I'm gonna pawn it. You'll regret it. Antique rings aren't worth what you think. Nothing's worth what you think. Hey, Alex, can I tell you something? The reason you can't go the distance with Katherine is that... well, she expects more than a dog. I mean, you love dogs because it's a one-way street. You know, it's unconditional love. Don't pawn this. You don't wanna end up like me. Who is this hot piece of ass putting holes in my grass? Katherine. Welcome to my park. Uh, she's allergic to dogs. Well... then she shouldn't come here. Let's get you out of here before your face turns purple and blows up. Wait, I wanna show you something. It's a prescription. It will reduce my allergy by 90 percent. And this you'll like. There's injections too. And you can do the honors. I think you've gotten very good at that by now. [chuckles] They already gave me my first shot, and-and I think it's starting to kick in. Oh, my God. - It was my grandmother's. - It's gorgeous. - [growling] - [Katherine grunts] - I kill you, bitch! - [Katherine screaming] - Hey! - [Katherine] What the hell! - Hey! - [Katherine] God, help me! - Get off of her! - [shouting in Russian] Get off of her! Look! Stop it! Listen to me! Stop it! [Dave] I got her! I got her! I got her! Where the hell have you been, Dave? I thought you had strict orders to keep this lunatic under lockdown. You enjoying this? Is this making you happy? Alex just proposed to me, and you've ruined it. What a great friend you are. Oh God, look at my Louis Vuitton boots. - Oh, no. - I'll buy you another pair. You can't afford them. You always this much of a bitch? [Anastasiya shouting in Russian] Nyet! Nyet! [speaks Russian] Dave, stop! Just get her out of here! All right? I'll talk to you later. I gotta deal with this. Go! Get her out of here! [shouting in Russian] This is bullshit! Oh. Okay. It's okay. We got it. - All right. - Yeah. Uh, yeah, I wouldn't... I wouldn't put that on. [panting] I'm not a bitch. [laughing] Oh, no. [Anastasiya moaning] My God is alive, and I believe that he would see me through this. And I would surprise you when I'm out of you to let you know that you just messed yourself up, not me. I worry for you. Much luck. Alex, people judge you by the friends you keep. [Alex] Uh, it's "Replace male friend who is a bad influence." [Dave] You mean me? Uh, fuck her. Honey, you know I can't possibly stay for this, but Gary will be right here. Look how beautiful it is. - Hmm. - No smell, no... no residue of anything. Hmm. My mom went crazy. She loved it. My dad was so impressed. I'll be right outside. Okay. I really need to talk to you. Can it wait? Of course. Word of advice. Stay soft. - Okay, Gary. - [door opening] It's from the waist down. Oh. Ah, sit, sit, sit. - It's all right. - [Alex] Okay. Not to worry. I'm going to numb the coronal skin around the head of your penis. If you become erect, it's perfectly normal. One prick and we're all done. Oh, uh... Hmm... [clears throat] [exhales forcefully] [mutters] My parents having sex. My grandparents are having sex. My parents are having sex with my grandparents. [thuds] Did it hurt? No, the mohel had, uh... good hands. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Gary passed out. [Gary retching] Alex. It's too late. I'm a Jew. Not quite yet, Shlomo. Jesus! I have to call you Shlomo? It's my new second middle name. [scoffs] I need a drink. [Katherine] Forget the cliche of drinking with friends. Pairing wine with food and all that crap. It's the sensual part of liquor. Like being kissed. That first sip rushes to your thighs, the warm release of pleasure, and suddenly everything is okay. I wanna share that with you. [woman laughing] [jazz music playing] The main purpose of alcohol... it's your lifeline. It will help you through anything. Marriage, children, work... women. Scotch is the most important drink. If you're out with a coworker, you order scotch. Neat. Doesn't matter what kind. If you're with a boss or client, you ask for a Macallan 12. Let me show you the difference. [sighs] Oh. Now... the Macallan. Smooth. You have a good palate. [slurping] Mmm. I do feel that in my thighs. She was right. That's a saketini, cosmopolitan, lemon drop, pomegranate martini. - Hmm. - All these drinks are pretty... gay. But for some reason, women love it. [sighs] You know what my favorite part of the day is? Picking Nicky up from school. There's this moment where he comes out of the classroom, he runs over and gives me that hug... Hey. Hey. It's my kid. You can't poach another man's family, Alex. Go get your own. I am. I proposed to Katherine. Bullshit. I gave her a ring with dog shit on it. Good job. Because you were starting to piss me off. Every time I open the door, there you are, on my couch, eating my food, showing Nicky how cool you are with the boxing and the magic. But this is great. Yeah. Let's drink to Katherine. Thank you, God, for Katherine. [bottles clink] [panting] So... you're Jewish, a drinker, and getting married. I guess so. Well, who's gonna be your best man? - Me? - [both laugh] Uh, I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. Well, you better start. Because now is when it starts to get really fun. All the attention is gonna be on you. I'm glad I was the inspiration for Katherine's list. [chuckling] I love you. [both laughing] - [Alex] It's gonna be okay. - Yeah. Really fun. - Yeah. - Just like you said. I promise. Hey, bud. You ready? Yeah. Be careful with my boy. Okay. [door opens] [door closes] It's like being in the cockpit of your own fighter jet. It's sleek and technically advanced with ultimate power at your fingertips. Once you feel that torque, you will never go back. You and Tucker deserve that. It's respect on the road. People will think twice before messing with you. That's the real beauty. [engine roaring] [engine shuts off] - Nicky, don't touch that. - He can touch whatever he wants. Come on, grab the wheel. Grab it! Squeeze it! Yeah. That's the power. It's a game-changer, bruh. Why don't we take it for a spin? Uh... I can't. I mean, I got the kid. You don't have to go fast. Let's go fast. Listen to your kid. He's not my kid. Oh. Why's he here? I wanted to get his opinion. And what do you think, little man? Let's buy it. There you go. Let's make a deal. You-You know what? I'm worried about your dog. - Uh... Enzo. - What? He felt heavy, uh, the other day. Like a half pound over. Am I right? He's a little heavier. But I've been controlling the portions just like you told me. [Alex] I don't know. Maybe you should show me what you're feeding him. I mean, if he is, that could be really... [Nicky] Whoo! [Alex] You know? [indistinct] - [car crashes] - [Nicky screams] [doctor] CT scan came up negative. He's lucky. My God. My God, honey, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. - Is he gonna be okay? He's gonna be fine. It's just a few bruises. - [sighs] - Good thing it was a Porsche. It's like a tank. I have two myself. Alex. It was an accident. [Alex] It's my fault. [Michael] Hey, we all make mistakes. So don't beat yourself up. Everything's okay. No, it's not okay. [Lily talking indistinctly] I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. My dependency on this family is so unhealthy. And this list... Slow down. Take a seat. These are separate issues. First... Nicky is fine. Every family makes a mistake like this. You looked away for one moment. You dependency on this family, that is a problem. I need to back off. Yes, you do. But not just for them, for you. You're hanging on to them for dear life. You're like a swimmer who's drowning. Don't drown them. Don't drown yourself. And the list... Take time to explore what you have with Katherine. It's silly, but use the list as a catalyst to move your relationship to the next level. [sighs] How did you find your bashert? Ah, you've been studying, hmm? Bashert. Well... [chuckles] With my Miriam... it started out hot and heavy. And after a while, I started to become bored. And then one night, we really... started to talk. I learned that she had a great family. We realized that we had similar morals, which made it easy for us to get along and to have fun. She didn't hold back, and I didn't hold back. And for the first time in my life, Alex, I-I felt... completely able to be myself. I felt freer. I felt freer with her than I ever had as a single man. We have an authentic relationship. And this is what you should have with Katherine. This is the foundation that we built our relationship on. But you have to do this without family interference, without all the bells and whistles. Friends, money... This is what I wish for you. Hmm. Don't settle for anything less. [crickets chirping] [panting] Whoo! [woman] Whoo! Whoo? [woman] Whoo! Whoo-woop! [woman] Whoo-woop! Lead me in the path of righteousness. Help me use my abilities to repair this broken world. Help me ease and gladden the lives of those I cherish. This is your mikveh. Regardless of what happens, it will always be a source of comfort. This is for you. That took chutzpah. Hey, you all right? You shouldn't have to take shots for the rest of your life. I gave Tucker away. Alex. I'm so sorry. It's... probably the right thing to do. I can't get Gary out of the pool. [Gary gasping] Hey, man. You doing okay? I don't know. Is it Rhonda? Yes. Cold feet? This is more than cold feet. I'm not attracted to her. I don't like the way she smells. Rhonda's garlicky. It's reciprocal. My last girlfriend was musty. You'll, um... You'll get used to it. She's not into the way I smell either. And the way she drinks her coffee? [slurps loudly] [coughing] You're focusing on the wrong stuff, man. That's nothing, right? You guys laugh together? Is the sex good? Great sex. And we laugh. [chuckles] Good. But we don't laugh at the same things. She laughs while we're having sex. It's weird. Well, Rhonda can't change her smell, Gary. [shouting indistinctly] Hey. Hey. Hey. [panting] I just can't stand watching how sad you've been. This is in no way meant to replace Tucker. [meowing] I'm not allergic to cats. It's... It's cute. [meowing] You okay? I'm okay. Gary's wedding will be a good diversion. We should make it fun. [meows] [purring] Take me to the docks There's a ship without a name there And it's sailing to the middle of the sea [Alex] I got the cat to sit with me for a few minutes. You're bonding. No way. That's great. - [door opens] - Oh, my God. It's that lunatic. It's okay. I am not attack. Dave is needing to be sorry to you. To him, it hard talk emotional shit in your face. Just keep her away from me. Sorry I had sex with Anastasiya. And, Katherine, you are not a bitch. Ha! - [Dave chuckles] - Wow! Dave... Oh. Oh... [chuckles] Thank you. - You should try them on. - Okay. I am sorry I jump your body. Oh, don't worry about it. We okay? Hey, yeah. [Rabbi Baskin] As you share this one cup of wine, you undertake all the future brings. All the sweetness life brings will be that much sweeter because you drink from it together. [slurps] [sniffs quietly] [exhales forcefully] - Stop. - [screams] [crowd murmuring] I'm sorry, Rabbi. I don't mean any disrespect. Alex. As a new Jew... I can't in good conscience watch Gary break that glass after the feelings he shared with me in the deep end of... Mr. Stern's pool the other day. [crowd murmuring] Feelings that indicate this wedding shouldn't happen. What are you doing? Um... [Alex] Uh... A very wise person told me that you must live an authentic life. I believe if we... let this wedding go forward, it will be a lie. Gary, is this true? [Rhonda] It is true. And I'm sorry, Gary... but I'm in love with someone else. [crowd gasping] Oh, my God. That makes so much sense. [Mr. Stern clears throat] Settle down, everybody. Settle down. Alex... normally, I would kill you for pulling a stunt like that. But in this case... it was the right thing to do. [sighs] Now, look... we came here to enjoy a beautiful ceremony. Celebrate the joining of two lives. And I'm paying for it. So... somebody here is getting married. You two. Wait. Antonio, you're a good man. It's not gonna happen with my daughter. Go get a drink. Alex, Katherine, you two love each other. Now, let's get on with it. [both laughing] Umm... give me just... one moment. - Yeah. - Okay? One moment. [crowd murmuring] [Rabbi Baskin] As you share this cup of wine, you undertake all that the future may bring. All the sweetness that life brings will be even sweeter because you drink from it together. Alex, break the glass. What are you doing? I didn't buy the Porsche. What are you talking about? It's the cat. What? The kitten. It made me see. Look... even if I got a 100 percent on this list, it still wouldn't matter. And there's some great things on there. There are, but... in the end, I'm... I'm just not a cat guy. You'll learn to like cats. I just... I just wanted to lift you up to this great life. I know, I don't want to be lifted into another life. Katherine, you see, you... you've put together this imagined person that just doesn't exist inside of me. This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This is the list you should give your bashert. Lily... what are you doing here? You called her, didn't you? Yeah. She's my best friend. If I was getting married today, I wanted her to be here. You just really can't make a decision without her, can you? You-You couldn't even decide to marry me without asking her. Katherine, I just told her to come. I didn't tell her we were getting married. You know, I almost put you on the list. You almost put... I'm sorry. Katherine... I hope you find what you're looking for. I have something I need to do. I'm gonna go with you. [tires screeching] [car doors close] - Alex, hey. - Hey, hey. - Hey. - You're coming for a visit? We were just gonna go for a walk. No, I didn't come for a visit. I came to tell you guys I made a huge, huge mistake. Tucker's my dog. - Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, no. - Oh, no, no, he's our dog now. It hasn't been 48 hours. You don't have any written or witness to a verbal agreement. Legally, you have no standing. Who is this? I'm Alex's attorney. So don't fuck with me. Alex? Alex? Shut up! I know, I know. Guys, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Look, I'll get you guys any other dog you want. Any kind. I promise. How about a labradoodle. She wants a labradoodle. Yeah. Done! [sighs] Open the door. Open the door! [Alex snickering] Look, you didn't get the girl, but you got your dog back. And you are now a well-read, well-dressed, handsome Jewish man with sparkling white teeth who likes football and knows good scotch. Huh? Get in the back. [engine starts] [groans] Whoo! [woman] Whoo! Hey. - Hi. - Hi. Nice Australian shepherd. Oh, thanks. I like yours too. Beautiful coloring. [chuckles] So... you're the yeller. Yeah, I am. Well, It's nice to finally meet you. Well, thanks for yelling back. You have a lovely resonance to your yell. [laughing] Thanks. So do you. [both laughing] I'm Lara. I'm Alex. So I see it seems we've settled down Quite a bit from the energy we once had Oh, believe me we've settled down Way down Way down Way down And all we are Is burning stars Shining brightly making sure you don't float too far I'll keep an eye on you if you keep one on me And then what happens we'll see And then what happens we'll see And all the time it takes till you've had enough Has shortened even in the last couple of years But so too have the years themselves Themselves Themselves The years themselves And all the years fly by While the clock's still ticking All we are Is burning stars Shining brightly making sure you don't float too far I'll keep an eye on you if you keep one on me And then what happens we'll see And then what happens we'll see All we are Is burning stars Shining brightly making sure you don't float too far I'll keep an eye on you if you keep one on me And then what happens we'll see And then what happens we'll see And then what happens we'll see And then what happens we'll see [dogs barking] [Lara laughing] Quick! Come here! Hey. Come on. Come and get it. - [toy squeaking] - [Lara laughing] [barking] [Alex] She's quick. She's so fast. Come here. Come here. Come here... [barking] Ow! No! [laughing] |
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