Youre lucky, you know.
l rarely allow anyone into my flat.
I know, I know, I know.
Humble digs.
Not exactly what youd call
a "panty peeler."
Do you know what I mean?
But it suits me just fine.
To be honest, I rarely spend a night
in my own bed anyway.
You see, heres my theory:
For most women, if a guys
a good provider
and generally a nice chap, six-pack
abs really arent a deal-breaker.
On the flip side, however,
even though the PC boyfriend
sat next to you
with his arm slung around
your shoulder will deny it...
And he will deny it. For us boys,
its all about F.B.B.
Face. Boobs. Bum.
Im just being honest.
Its been said that clothes
speak the international language.
And I have to admit,
Im a bit of a fashion whore.
Unfortunately, today Ive got work,
and I have to tone it down a little bit,
but thats all right. Gucci.
End-of-summer sale.
Very understated.
And I can easily spice it up with...
What? No, no. I know
what you are thinking.
If you ooze masculinity,
like some of us do,
you have no reason to fear pink.
Smashing.
Now, in the cologne department,
most men overdo it.
Americans practically spray it on
with a crop-duster.
My rule: Nothing above the neck,
though I do like a little splash
on Big Ben.
You never know
where the day may take you.
Almost forgot.
New word for the day.
Ostentatious: The attempt
to attract attention to oneself.
Who? Me?
Oh, blimey. Im so rude.
I havent introduced myself.
- Im...
- Alfie?
There you go. Alfie.
Are you the little elf that left these
mocha bonbons on my doorstep?
No, no, no. You must have
a secret admirer, Mrs Schnitman.
You are such a doll, Alfie.
But Im supposed to be on a diet.
Oh, on a diet?
- A diet.
- You?
- Yeah.
- Now, I dont mean to be forward, Lu,
but you should know by now
that a full-figured girl like yourself
- is every guys secret fantasy.
- Stop it.
So shes a tub of lard.
The ships already sailed,
so why not make her
feel good about herself, right?
- Oh, Lu?
- Yes, angel?
Im working the night spot,
and my apartment is a horror show,
so Im sorry if I keep you up
- with the dust-busting at 2 a. m.
- Oh, dont you worry.
- Ill give it a quick straighten.
- Oh, no, no, you dont need to that.
Nonsense.
I like doing things for you, Alfie.
Im a blessed man
having you in my life.
Thank you.
Keys are in the usual spot.
Now, back home, youre always
hearing tales about some bloke
migrating to the States and winding
up with buckets of money.
So not long ago, l packed up
my bucket and headed west.
Now, I must admit,
I had a second motive.
Id always been told that the most
beautiful women in the world...
...resided in Manhattan.
And when it comes to shagging birds,
its all about one thing:
Location, location, location.
God, l love this city.
All right, girls.
Just look around. l mean,
every one of them, unique, special,
like snowflakes.
And with such a plethora...
Calendar word meaning "abundance,"
of gorgeousness and diversity,
well, how could a man ever choose
to settle down with just one?
I myself subscribe more
to the European philosophy of life.
My priorities leaning towards
wine, women...
Well, actually, thats about it.
Wine and women.
Although, women and women
is always a fun option.
So...
...to live life to the fullest,
I require only enough
to cover my modest expenses.
Ive no desire to be the richest stiff
in the cemetery.
I think this might just be my
favourite position.
I know it was President Kennedys.
He was such a great leader.
Of course, JFK used the old
bad-back excuse,
but if you ask me, he knew
it gave you maximum pleasure
with minimum exertion.
What is it about the back of a limo?
Obligatory cuddling.
Thousand one,
thousand two...
Cripes. Hey, Ive gotta get cracking.
Ive got a 10:00 pickup.
You better hurry up.
You dont want to keep her waiting.
Quite the number, isnt she?
Yet, she tells me her old man
hasnt shagged her in six months.
Six months. I mean, thank God
there are gentlemen like me around
to pick up the slack.
Just look at her.
Legs like a racehorse.
Perfect yoga bum. I give her
my highest grade:
A-minus.
Where did we tell the old man
we were going tonight?
- A movie.
- Treasure, please, no, no, no.
Stop messing about.
Youll ruin my presets.
- Sorry.
- What movie?
I dont know. Whats the difference?
The difference is, the more detail
you give, the less interested hell be.
It wouldnt matter what I said.
It would never occur to Phil
that another man
- would ever look twice at me.
- Dor, darling,
you fishing for a compliment?
No.
You should know by now they only
come from me when least expected.
Now, come and have a mint so Phil
doesnt smell the Alfie on your breath.
I dont care if he does.
Theres one thing that puts me
off marriage: Its married women.
Dorie doesnt know it yet,
but you wont be seeing
much more of her.
Ive got that all-too-familiar feeling.
Sooner or later, shell be wanting
a little bit more than Im able to give.
Wouldnt it be great if I was
going home with you tonight
instead of Phil the Pill?
Yeah.
lts definitely time
to stage a disappearing act.
So next Tuesday,
same time, same place?
Im sorry, love, its Fashion Week.
Im booked double shifts.
- Ill call you the instant things let up.
- Okay.
In the meantime, I left you
a little souvenir to remember me by.
Oh, Dor?
Your derrire looks really rather
ravishing from this vantage point.
See?
A compliment when least expected.
What can I say?
Happy as a pup with two tails.
And I think Ive done old Phil
a bit of a favour too.
Of course, hed be the last to see it.
Never expect any thanks in this life.
You know what I mean?
So Tuesday...
...10:03 p.m.
Do I drag myself home
to a cold flat, empty fridge,
or nip across town for a hot bath,
warm body, breakfast in bed?
Decisions, decisions...
Yeah, l think lll pay a visit
to my semi-regular,
quasi, sort of girlfriend.
My sweet Julie.
Let me guess.
Unexpected last-minute fare.
Yeah. She had me going
up and down for hours.
That supposed to be funny?
Because it is so very...
Not.
Hey!
Im not kidding, Alfie!
Im not kidding. I hate you sometimes.
You have a very ostentatious way
of showing it.
Yeah, I sure do.
No, darling. Can we hit pause?
I just need a second to unwind.
Oh, I nicked half a bottle
of Stoli from the limo.
How do you want yours,
on the rocks?
I just want my usual, Alfie. Straight up.
No, Im so totally knackered.
Ill make it up to you in the morning.
Cross my heart.
But tonight, all Im good for
is a bite to eat, hot bath
and a nice long sleep.
You know, this isnt
a Holiday Inn, Alfie.
Whats that again?
Where were you tonight? Really?
Youve got to open a restaurant.
Thats seriously delicious.
Thanks, Alfie. Its just chilli.
Hey.
A little eye contact, please.
We have something here,
or am I just a glorified booty call?
Hey.
Hey.
Heres what shes really saying:
She wants me to commit.
Translation: Become domestified.
Now, it doesnt do to become
dependent on anybody in this life.
Change your nature,
youre a dead man.
Chilli, please.
Dont get me wrong.
Shes adorable.
Cute? Absolutely.
But is it ever enough?
I told you how we men are.
We want showstoppers.
And the problem is,
Julie hasnt got enough
of the superficial things
that really matter.
- I dont deserve you.
- Yeah, thats probably true.
Too bad I love you.
Thanks, babe.
- Alfie, Alfie...
- What?
Youre giving me the "Thanks, babe."
Youre giving me the "Thanks, baby."
- Calm down.
- Dont tell me to calm down!
- I know how you feel!
- Wait a minute.
- Youre gonna wake up...
- Max.
Hey, little man. Did we wake you up?
Yes.
Now, lads, learn from my mistake.
Never get involved
with a single mum.
See, they come with accessories,
some of which can be...
...unfortunately, irresistible.
Sights like that make you realize
we all have an expiration date.
And women do have a shorter
shelf life than men, dont they?
I think thats what Julie
was banging on about yesterday.
Elegant Limousine and Chauffeur.
This is where I make
my reasonably honest living.
Standards of elegance has taken
quite a pounding, wouldnt you say?
I know. Believe me,
its merely a stepping stone.
Currently parked on one
of those stepping stones
is my best mate and future
business partner, Marlon.
Black. Like Lonettes skin...
...which I will never again touch.
Im afraid youre not meeting
my man on top form.
See, Marlons got a problem.
lts called Lonette.
And very recently, it dumped him.
Oh, dear. Come on,
what was it this time?
Three a. m. begging, at her front door.
- Level of inebriation?
- Vomiting.
Right. So let me get this straight.
You were at her front door,
begging and vomiting?
And what,
she wasnt charmed by that?
Alfie? Why is there no Stoli
in car number two?
Ive no idea.
I gotta watch this guy like a hawk.
That little chaps name is Wing.
My boss and owner
of this tragic enterprise.
- Wipe that car good.
- Owner, that is, till me and Marlon
swing a loan and buy it out
from underneath his scrawny...
Hello. You miss bird shit.
Wing.
Hes barking mad.
Check out the way he talks
to the little woman.
Shes given him her best years,
cooked his chop suey,
helped with the business, and I bet
at one time he couldnt wait
to rip off her kimono.
And now look at him.
And Im supposed to respect
the institution of marriage?
Thats a great figure, man.
We swing that loan,
cash your IRA, I hock my Vespa...
Were gonna take Wing
by surprise with an offer like this.
I couldve predicted this. See,
Marlon and Lonette have reached
that critical 18-month Where are
we going, what are we doing,
whats happening here? crisis point
that rears its ugly head
in every relationship.
Lonette wanted ring, home, baby.
Marlon wanted another 18 months
to make sure nothing better
was coming his way.
I fucked up egregiously.
I see youre making the most
of that birthday calendar.
By the time he realized hed made
a mistake and he wanted her back...
- ... it was too late.
- Hey, stranger.
Hey.
Carol.
- Carol. Hi, Carol.
- Hi.
You look wonderful.
So, Carol, well, its nice
to see you again. You be well.
Whats up with that?
Put it this way, the show closed
after one performance only.
- Do I even wanna know why?
- No. Come on,
it would be less than discreet
to tell you why.
Hair on the arms. Seriously.
Long, thick...
What are you talking about?
You dont have hair on your arms?
- Youre looking very lovely tonight.
- Thank you.
Dude, the iron door
has slammed shut, man.
Classic, isnt it?
Now that he cant have her,
he thinks he cant live without her.
Some people are funny.
Marlons predicament got me thinking
about my own situation.
Maybe... Maybe it was time
to stoke the home fires.
Anybody in the mood
for a little Alfie, straight up?
Oh, this isnt a good time, Alfie.
Got a lot on my mind.
Oh, God. Yeah, I really hate
when that happens.
Open up, baby.
You look seriously beautiful.
- Not tonight, Alfred.
- Whats the matter? Tell me.
I dont... Im just...
Well, I guess Im... Im just...
Im just seeing red.
I mean, the poor guy, hes dying.
Come on, havent you?
Youve tortured him long enough.
Alfie, he shouldve thought
about all that
before he was screwing around
with that ex-girlfriend of his.
Those fake-ass, $5 titties.
- Those are fake?
- Hello?
Wow, Im devastated.
Theyve got, like...
Alfie, youre supposed to be consoling
my devastation, remember?
I am. Look, he came back, didnt he?
Begging, crawling on his knees,
vomiting...
I dont care.
Im sorry, Im not that easy. I dont
forgive and I definitely do not forget.
- Is okay if I leave now, miss?
- Oh, s, Felix.
And hit the lights on your way out,
por favor.
I better go.
Its really coming down out there.
Yeah.
And Im wearing suede.
Youre telling the truth. Thats brilliant.
Okay. I got one. I never swam
in the Pacific Ocean.
- Me neither.
- Oh, shit. Okay.
Okay. Ive never seen
a James Bond movie.
Youre joking.
Not even a Sean Connery?
You serious?
Wow, I dont know
if thats magic or tragic.
Okay. Five ball. My go.
- Ive never made my own bed.
- Oh, bullshit.
No, I repeat, Ive never
made my own bed.
Well, what kind of mama you got?
Thats a good question.
Lets see. All right.
- I got something for you.
- All right.
Ive never had sex...
Ive never had sex
with two people in one night.
Six-five, your favour.
Gotcha.
So, Alfie, whats the most
youve had in one night?
Weve stopped playing the game,
havent we?
Am I wrong, or is there a little
innocent flirting going on here?
Driftin on a memory
Aint no place ld rather be
Than with you
Loving you
See, if I had that kind of talent...
And a song
- Go on, finish your sentence.
- If I had that kind of talent,
and I looked like you...
And a song
- ... I would be strutting my stuff
- Oh, yeah?
on a stage.
Trust me, what happens next
was the furthest thing from my mind
when l dropped by tonight.
But then l thought to myself,
You know what?
lf this will help her get past
her anger towards Marlon,
l owe it to both of them,
as a friend, right?
To do whatever l can to help.
l find that, lately,
even lying to myself comes easily.
The next morning, and l cant
get last night out of my mind.
Try desperately to focus
on something else, anything else.
Anything to get my mind
off my best friends incredibly hot,
best-ass-lve-ever-seen-in-my-life
girlfriend.
Alfie. Alfie.
- Alfie!
- Shall I pretend I cant hear him?
Dude.
- Hey!
- Too late. Too late.
- Dude, would you slow down?
- Hey, Marly, whats up?
Marly?
Hey, listen, I gotta talk to you.
You aint going nowhere
till you tell me
what went down last night.
- Down last night?
- Dude, dont mess with me.
What happened with Lonette?
Have you ever heard
the word knock?
- What went down?
- What? Nothing happened.
- We had a few shots.
- Missus give me silent treatment.
Little she know, not hearing constant
blah, blah, blah is gift from heaven.
You keep it up. Keep it up,
mate, itll work.
Alfie, what happened?
Oh, fuck a duck, man. Look, I...
- I drank a lot last night.
- Drunk.
Well, I...
I really... I dont remember.
- Dude, you did something to her.
- No.
Oh, yeah, you did.
Because she shows up at my house,
at 4 in the morning,
saying that she wanted me back.
She even said
that if I needed more time,
that she understood completely.
How fucking crazy.
Chalk one up for the blokes.
Thanks to me, Marlon won the game.
Which means hes off scot-free,
and so am I.
This is a bloody miracle.
Thats fantastic. Fantastic.
- Come on, what did you say to her?
- Look, look.
- Its all good.
- Come on, what did you say?
I asked her to marry me.
You know youre my best man, right?
Moral of the story:
No good deed goes unpunished.
New word for the day?
Resilience:
The ability to readily recover
after disappointment or loss.
Capacity to spring back.
Understand, its not
about replacing Julie.
l just wanna get back
to the simple life:
Women who mean nothing to me.
So lve struck up a friendship
with a nightclub hostess called Uta.
Hello, Uta.
Now, as a heat-seeking bachelor,
I have to live
by some very simple rules.
Alfie Elkins credo or philosophy,
which is probably best summed up
by the only advice
my father ever gave me.
He said, Son, whenever you
meet a beautiful woman...
...just remember, somewhere theres
a bloke whos sick of shagging her.
- Can I help you, man?
- G and T, please.
Explain to me what everyone sees
in that Eurotrash?
I think its incredibly unfair
that its acceptable for men
to be sexually experimental,
then with a woman,
if she wants to try something...
A kiss or a threesome.
You know, that theyd be judged.
I wouldnt judge them.
And I think if you two were to kiss,
I would... I would just...
I would just see it
as a thing of beauty.
Although lm living every guys
Rat Pack fantasy,
something feels a bit off.
And throwing myself
back into the old lifestyle
isnt going quite as smoothly
as ld hoped.
Sorry.
Im sorry.
You carry on without me.
Oh, my loves, I...
I dont know what happened.
This is so unlike me.
Yeah, you... You two just...
l used to think
there was nothing worse than death.
Then, from out of nowhere...
...the unthinkable.
Now I really dont get
what everyone sees in you.
It just keeps on happening
and happening.
Or more accurately, not happening
and not happening.
This never happens, Uta.
Honestly, never.
Honestly.
Not the word around town...
...peewee.
Mr Elkins? Miranda Kulp.
Miranda.
The penis doctor is a he
with a little bit of she thrown in.
So I understand youre experiencing
some erectile dysfunction.
I am experiencing a little... A little...
A little bit of... What you just said.
Not to worry.
Thats my area of expertise.
So have you been under any unusual
emotional stress lately, Mr Elkins?
Stress? Emotional? Me? No, never.
Well, unless you count
that recent chat I had with Julie.
I cant see you anymore, Alfie.
- Why? You angry?
- No, Im really not angry.
Just, you know,
we want different things.
And I cant have you traipsing
in and out of Maxs life.
Youve changed your hair,
havent you?
You have, havent you?
No, you have.
Youve changed your hairdo.
You cut it?
It looks gorgeous.
- Thanks.
- How come...?
How come you never had it like that
when we were together?
I really gotta go.
Well, I guess...
...you need these back.
Thank you.
Alfie?
You gonna be okay?
Yeah. No worries. Im always okay.
Alrighty, lets take a gander
at that penis of yours.
I see.
Well.
- It seems we have lift-off.
- It seems we do.
Wunderschn.
What a relief.
Well, I mean, if he can give me
a stiffy, I should have no problem
keeping it up for the target
demographic, shouldnt I?
Well, there doesnt appear
to be anything physiologically wrong,
so, in short, we can be
fairly certain your problem
- was simply stress-related.
- Translation: Julie-related.
Like I always say, if they dont get you
one way, theyll get you another.
However,
- I did feel something a little kooky.
- Kooky?
There is nothing to get upset about,
Mr Elkins.
I thought I felt a lump...
...on your penis.
But with any luck, it will be nothing.
The words lump and penis
in the same sentence.
Theres something
you dont hear every day.
And so young Alfred
got an early Yuletide gift.
A penis biopsy.
I get my test results in three days...
Well, five.
Five counting the weekend.
Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.
How am I gonna stop myself
going completely bonkers?
Ill be fine.
Ill be fine.
Im a young man.
Shift focus, Alfie. Shift...
Lets go, kids. Lets go.
Move along, children.
Look straight ahead.
Come on. Do not look at the man.
Look straight ahead.
In the meantime, perhaps Im safer
hobbling on home.
Alfie, dear, whats wrong?
You look like death warmed over.
No, Ive just... Ive got a bit of
a football injury, thats all,
Mrs Schnitman...
Hello, Mrs Liberman.
You two look lovely.
Where you going?
- Shopping. You need anything?
- Im fine.
Hello.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Ladies, this is my friend Lonette.
Shes lovely. Good for you,
dating an African-American.
Yeah.
Hey. Hey, girl.I missed you.
Dont mind us. Were not here.
You kids keep talking.
- Very nice to meet you.
- See you, Mrs Liberman.
Shop till you drop, girls.
So how have you been?
Im pregnant.
lt seems to me
the problems you worry yourself
sick about never seem to materialize.
lts the ones that catch you
unexpectedly
on a Wednesday afternoon
that knock you sideways.
l offered to face the music
with her...
...but she wanted to go it alone.
We both knew that if the baby
was born with any white-boy features
it would mean the end
of Lonette and Marlon.
Not to mention your host
for this evening.
But standing in the cold,
l find myself having regrets.
Thinking thoughts like,
Heres another kid youll never
get a chance to know.
Your own.
Didnt take long.
Bloody hell, youre freezing.
How do you feel?
Empty.
That night in the bar, I thought
I was getting something for nothing.
Doesnt seem to have worked out
that way, does it?
Oh, man.
lf everything turns out okay,
maybe this little brush with mortality
is a sign.
l should think about making...
Making some changes.
Possibly.
- Next week.
- Excuse me.
Did I just...? Did you just look at me?
Did I just notice you turn away?
Look, if you know the results
to my tests, and theyre telling you...
- Mr Elkins.
- Please. Please.
Mr Elkins, for the millionth time,
sit down.
Mr Belson, I have a cancellation
on Tuesday at 11:30.
Im gonna be fine.
- I just feel it.
- Thank you. Goodbye.
Ill just be a minute. Or ten.
- Its all right. Take your time.
- I dont have a choice.
I used to pee. Now I trickle.
- Im Joe. Whats your name?
- Alfie.
So how you doing, Alfie?
- Hanging in. You?
- Shitty.
Yeah, me too. Me too.
- I like the bolo tie.
- Oh, thanks. I have a collection.
You know, when youre old,
you learn to be patient.
Yeah.
Used to be I never
had time for nothing. Go, go, go.
- I know that feeling.
- Yeah.
My wife was always hawking me
to take a little vacation. Hawaii. Reno.
I always said,
Next year, Evie, next year.
I got too much on my platter.
I always thought
Id have more time.
Then one Sunday night,
she takes the pot roast out of the oven.
Yells, Soups on,
and slumps to the kitchen floor.
Just like that.
Dead as disco.
Jesus, Im sorry.
I tried picking up the pieces.
Even went to Waikiki alone
on the 8-day cruise package
she was always yakking about.
Couldnt get Evie out of my mind.
Theres two things
I learned in life, kid:
You find someone to love,
and live every day
as though it were your last.
Shes all yours, Alfie.
Enjoy.
You all right, son?
Yeah. I hope so.
Look, if you ever get bored
or feel like schmoozing...
...give me a holler.
- Youll never call.
- Maybe I will.
All right, good. Well go to a bar
together, hit on some chicks.
Damn right.
Thanks, Joe.
Hey.
Im sorry about Evie.
We...
...werent all that fond
of each other...
...but we were very close.
- If you know what I mean.
- I think I do.
Ive been thinking a lot lately
about God and death.
And how, if what they taught me
in Bible class is true,
Im really in for it.
But I wont be partying
with Lucifer any time soon,
because my test results
were negative.
Im gonna live! Im gonna live!
I ruined my Prada lace-ups
and I dont care.
Dont think Ive forgotten my oath
to completely change my life,
because I havent.
Carrot-apple with a dash
of wheat grass.
Yep.
Health is now priority number one.
Business plan
moves onto the fast track.
- If you say so...
- Tonights preview at St. Ambrose...
No, I definitely dont want to talk.
Okay, hold on, what else have I got?
Okay, yeah.
All right, if we must, we must, but...
New slate. New beginning.
- Whats your name, driver?
- Alfie, sir.
Wait here, Alfie.
Do you know how long
youre gonna be, roughly?
- You got someplace to go?
- No, I was just gonna nip off
- and get a cup of tea.
- Look, why dont you just stay put.
Yea or nay?
A definite yea, I think. Really.
Stunning.
Wouldnt you say so, sir?
Im sorry, didnt I ask you
to wait by the car?
I reckoned I should help
the lady with her packages.
Definite yea?
I think.
With one minor...
- May I?
- You may.
Adjustment.
Bullfighter. Another lifetime.
Dont ask.
Fifty, if shes a day.
But dont they say 50
is the new 40,
and is she not living proof?
I mean, have a look.
Beautifully preserved.
And cleavage
like the Holland Tunnel.
- Better?
- Much.
You are so right to trust Chanel.
A pair of hot-pink stilettos,
and youre good to go.
- Well, arent you Mr Full-Service?
- We try.
- Hes getting a little pissy, isnt he?
- Oh, its fine. Its good for him.
- Is your husband a lot older than you?
- Hes not my husband.
Hes wearing a wedding ring.
Well, I never said he wasnt
somebody elses husband.
- Grab the stuff from the trunk?
- You got it.
Cheers.
Maam, if you require
my services in the future.
Happy Christmas, sir. Maam.
Now that, my friends,
is a real woman.
Smart and sexy and...
You noticed the little flirt
going on between us, huh?
Makes me think,
if a woman like that,
of that calibre
should take notice
of a bloke like me,
then, perhaps...
Perhaps Im selling myself
a bit short.
ln a flash,
l have my New Years resolution.
Aim higher.
Catastrophic. Doomed.
Desolate. Cataclysmic.
Bought him a word-of-the-day
calendar for Christmas.
Big mistake.
Holiday season,
busiest time of the year.
I try to run a business.
- Whats the problem, Mr Wing?
- Your soul brother.
He quit.
ln the letter Marlon left me,
he called me his best friend...
...but apologized for bailing
on our business scheme.
He said his whole thing now
was to make Lonette happy.
They decided,
on the spur of the moment,
to move upstate,
and l had a standing
invite to drop by any time.
Somehow Lonette
convinced Marlon
it would be too painful
to say our goodbyes in person.
And to make matters worse,
it all dovetails into
the second loneliest night of the year:
Christmas Eve.
A night that brings on all those
familiar festive feelings
of hopelessness,
anguish, despair.
Not a great time to be flying solo.
Thats why Im of the belief
couples should never split up
between Thanksgiving
and January 2nd.
Always have a relationship to see
you through the holidays. Always.
The downside, of course, being gifts.
Personally, Ive always
suspected that everyone else
is having a far merrier
Christmas than I am.
Not that Ive ever actually
had a Christmas.
Thats a whole other Dickens story.
Taxi.
Excuse me.
Im sorry, mate, its against the law
for me to carry any more than...
Thank the Lord.
A Christmas miracle.
All right, hop in.
Thanks for saving us.
I was freezing my little tush off.
No worries. You know,
its pretty full back there.
- Why dont you...
- Good idea.
Why dont I?
Hey, watch the champagne.
All in.
- They dont get out much.
- You wanna watch out, you guys.
Youll end up with a lump of coal
in your stocking.
Youre English.
I love English.
- Whats your name?
- Alfie.
You wanna abuse
a little substance, Alfie?
No, thanks. Im trying to quit.
All right. One hit.
Merry Christmastime
Theres an expression
the Yanks use, Go with the flow.
So, yeah, I got a dose
of the holiday blues.
But when a girl of this mind-blowing
calibre invites you to a party,
its time to get going
and start flowing.
Maybe its the late hour.
Maybe its the heavily
spiked eggnog.
Maybe it was simply
a mutual desperate desire
to have ourselves
a merry little Christmas.
Whatever the reason, hooking up
has never gone more swimmingly,
and l find myself saying
something highly out of character:
Im renovating my apartment
on the Upper West Side.
But, say, you could...
...crash at my sublet,
if you want.
See you through the holidays.
That sounds inviting.
And so it came to pass,
that after all those years,
little Alfred finally got
what he wanted for Christmas.
The 12 days of Christmas
were flying by
at a surrealistic pace.
Yeah, its been quite the ride.
The package was irresistible.
A showstopper with
a new-school brand of sexiness.
Who wouldnt get off on the way
she makes heads turn?
Plus, we have so much in common.
- Shes sweet, fun, original, exciting,
- Adore you.
full of surprises.
Oh, and did l mention,
she makes a cracking good bed.
l began to wonder,
could this be the one...
...who finally holds my attention?
Happy New Year!
ln every doomed relationship,
there comes what l like to call
the uh-oh moment.
When a certain little
something happens,
and you know youve just witnessed
the beginning of the end.
And suddenly you stop
and you think:
Uh-oh, iceberg ahead.
With Nikki, that was
the first of many...
...uh-oh moments.
lt began with petty arguments.
Followed by random bouts
of melancholia.
Major highs and manic lows.
This girl never knows
when shes had one too many.
And there had been constant displays
of erratic, reckless behaviour.
And thank you, no.
No, l did not have insurance.
But whenever l begin to feel
theres little reason to go on,
lm reminded that we still have
one very major thing in common.
lf only she didnt insist
on smoking before,
after
and during.
What time are you gonna
be home, honey?
Hear that?
What time are you gonna
be home, honey?
Thats dangerously close
to wife-speak to me.
Because Im making something
really special for din-din.
Din-din?
Ill call later.
Listen, are you sure you dont
think that colours a little bit intense?
- I think youre a little bit intense.
- Careful,
because youve got paint
all over your hands.
Plus, youre wearing my favourite shirt
to paint the house in, Nik. Dont...
Sorry, baby.
I gotta run.
No, Ive gotta run.
I bet that I can make it
worth your while to stay.
Im sure you can. But you know what?
Ive got that meeting.
- Havent I?
- Yeah.
You know youre in trouble when
a sight like that cant keep you planted.
When I was a boy
at St. Albans Secondary School,
the school took us
on this cultural trip
to observe art at one of the...
One of those big famous
London museums.
Anyway, when I was there,
I came across this statue
of a Greek goddess in marble.
Aphrodi... Aphrodite,
something like that.
Beautiful, she was.
Perfect female form.
Chiselled features.
Exquisite.
I stood in awe of her.
Finally, the teacher calls us
all over, and Im walking past it,
and on the way I notice,
in the side of this Greek goddess,
all these cracks,
chips, imperfections.
Ruined her for me.
Well, thats Nikki.
A beautiful sculpture...
...damaged...
...in a way you dont notice
till you get too close.
I lost the signal for a second there.
But I dont know.
Its just a lot of personal stuff
going on.
You know what I mean?
- Oh, I know.
- Welcome, Mr Alfie.
Good to see you, Elvis. Look, I hope
you dont mind me rambling on.
- Enjoy your evening, sir.
- Thank you.
As you can see, the lads
moving up in the world.
Its just that Ive got
this friend whos,
lets say, outstayed his welcome.
Absolutely right.
Its a lot tougher getting them out
than getting them in. I like that.
Youll never guess
who Im dropping in on now.
I wouldnt have believed it myself
a couple of weeks ago.
Why dont you just try being honest,
and tell your friend that the hotel
is under new management
and that they have to vacate
the premises. You know what I mean.
That kimono
does wonders for your dcolletage.
- Big word.
- Big dcolletage.
Why dont we have a drink and you
can tell me the rest of your troubles.
Instead of me listening to hers.
Thats a change.
You know, for someone
so very young, youre terribly wise.
Secret admirer?
One of many.
You would never think of bringing
a girl flowers, would you, Alfie?
It would only encourage them.
Im gonna make us that drink.
Whats your poison, sweetheart?
Ill have a spot of whiskey, please.
Midleton Rare, if youve got it.
I like dropping a fancy brand name
in now and again,
let her know she aint
the only one been around.
Why not make this
an absinthe afternoon?
Brilliant.
- No idea what shes talking about.
- Youve had absinthe?
Not recently, no.
Remind me, what is it again?
The Green Fairy. The French
impressionists liquid drug of choice.
And I got you some of those
little egg thingies you like so much.
I mention I like something once,
next thing I know,
I get it on a silver platter.
Perfect, huh?
Kind of pad I plan
to earn myself one day.
Understated elegance
with just a touch of the trendy.
Shes a regular fashionista.
You dont have to tell this one
which slingbacks go with which frock.
Owns her own cosmetics company.
Empire, actually.
Started out doing facials
in a fancy salon.
Took a handful of mud,
mixed it with a dash of papaya,
put it on the market,
and bingo: All this.
This stuff is so illegal.
I smuggled a whole batch
of it back from Prague
in Listerine bottles.
Oh, I checked out
your business plan.
- And?
- Im impressed.
- You seem surprised.
- Not at all.
Because underneath
all that bravado
beats the heart of a guy whos a lot
smarter than he thinks he is,
but not nearly as cocky as hed like
everybody else to believe.
What are we...?
What exactly are we basing this on?
This insight into my personality?
That it takes one to know one.
What?
I was just wondering if theres
a clever little tattoo artist out there
who could change Pablo into Alfie.
Heres to clever little tattoo artists.
Jesus.
It made me feel
all warm going down.
Thats my job.
You know what they say.
What do they say?
Absinthe makes
the heart grow fonder.
Oh, great.
Check this out.
Have a look at the size of this tub.
Shes had two husbands,
both croaked,
and I have a feeling
this was the scene of the crime.
Come on, baby, lets get wet.
If she keeps this up,
were gonna be updating that tattoo
of hers a lot sooner than she thinks.
Remember how little Alfred finally got
what he wanted for Christmas?
Be careful what you wish for.
Theres something else.
Dozed off?
Yeah.
I tried waiting up for you.
- Your meeting ran late, huh?
- Very. Im knackered.
And wet.
But...
...I do want us to have
a little chat, Nikki.
Okay.
Sure.
Why dont we talk over
a midnight snack.
I made roast beef
and Yorkshire pudding.
That was your favourite
as a young lad, right?
And check the place out,
if you please.
- Your little girl worked her fanny off.
- I noticed. It looks brilliant.
Really smashing.
- So, Nik...
- Alfie, Ive been thinking.
Will you look at these
cute little potatoes?
Okay. I know I have been
a real handful lately.
I dont know, I think it has to do a lot
with me feeling displaced...
...and not totally trusting.
Sweetie, cutting to the chase.
I am gonna do better.
I promise.
I am gonna take my medication
religiously from now on.
And everything, everything
is gonna be easy and breezy.
Sound good? Honey?
So come, come and sit.
A feast awaits.
I already ate, Nik.
Of course.
No worries, well have leftovers.
I can whip up a little
corned beef hash for brunch.
Whats the matter, Alfie?
Nothing. I just...
Ive got a lot on my mind and...
- ... Im feeling a bit...
- What?
Cold? Distant? Remote? What?
Oh, Nik, this is a complete drag.
Everything happened so quickly.
- Im not the best at this sort of thing.
- What sort of thing?
I...
...dont know exactly how to say it.
Sure you do, Alfie.
Youve had plenty
of experience dumping girls.
Dont worry.
Im already gone.
Strange.
But even when you know
it has to end...
...when it finally does...
...you always get
that inevitable twinge:
Have l done the right thing?
I must admit...
...I do miss the companionship.
Nikki was a showstopper.
But as me ugly old Aunt Gladys
used to say,
Looks arent everything.
I used to think that was
a load of bollocks,
but just lately Ive been thinking...
...maybe the old bat had something.
Julie?
Alfie, hi.
What a surprise.
- God, I havent seen you since...
- Yeah.
You look... You look amazing.
Thanks. You too.
You look good too.
Im getting over a cold.
- But youre okay otherwise?
- Im fine. Im always fine.
Its good to see you.
And you.
Hey, you know, I was...
Im sorry about
what happened between us.
And Im sorry how it all ended up.
It wasnt...
It wasnt good.
I felt bad about not seeing Max
and about not seeing you.
- Its water under the bridge.
- Good.
You know...
...Im wondering...
Maybe we...
You know I can never
promise anything.
But if you want, if you like,
maybe we could
see each other again.
It would be okay by me.
It would be more than okay,
it would be great.
- Alfie, I...
- Yeah?
This is Adam.
Hey, how are you?
- Hey, how you doing, Adam?
- Pretty good.
- Adam.
- Yeah.
It was great running into you.
- You look fantastic.
- Thanks.
What time is it? Ive gotta go.
Im late for a meeting.
Nice to meet you, Adam.
Julie?
- Hows Max?
- Oh, really good.
Will you say hi?
- Sure.
- Or not.
Be well.
Hello.
Hello.
Mrs Wing, is everything...?
Wing.
Why are you crying?
Im not crying. Get out.
- You sure?
- Im fine. Get out, Alfie.
Im sorry. I just wanted to see
if I could borrow a car.
She leave me.
Sorry?
Blossom leave me.
Blossom? Is that your wifes name,
Blossom?
What I do wrong, Alfie? Love her?
Look, mate. Come on,
you can win her back.
Woo her. Send flowers
and chocolates.
Write a poem.
- That what you do?
- Well, actually, no, Ive never done that,
but it may be a way to go.
What rhyme with Blossom?
I would try awesome.
Okay.
You never cease to amaze.
Hey.
Great to see you too, Lon.
I guess I should have rung.
Hey, Sam.
Well, that would have been a plan.
Well, you know, Im sorry,
it was just...
Its nice.
Look, Lonette...
This is so uncomfortable, I know.
Because...
You dont have to whisper.
Marlons not here.
I really miss you both.
And I just wondered, maybe...
Maybe me and you could put it
all behind us,
pretend like it never happened,
and then move forward, you know?
I just...
You know, Alfie...
...dropping by wasnt a good idea.
You two didnt have a baby.
You did have a baby.
No, you were right the first time.
Thinking back to that day at the clinic,
l remember
trying to look in Lons eyes to see
if l could even begin to understand
what she was going through,
and how she wouldnt look at me.
And l think l knew then.
l just didnt want to admit it to myself.
So classically...
...l said nothing.
I knew there was
a good chance the baby
could be Marlons.
At least, I hoped.
This is a lot...
...for me too, Lon.
Marlon stayed.
For now.
Is there anything I can do?
What are you gonna do, Alfie?
Hey.
You know, I never...
- I never meant...
- You never mean to hurt anybody.
But you do, Alfie.
l felt l needed a friend to talk to.
Problem was, they were suddenly
in short supply.
And I dont remember being in the car.
I just... I just... I was stopped.
And Im crying.
- Crying for the little one?
- I dont know exactly.
Maybe for him.
Mostly, I think, for me.
And Marlon.
I never had anybody look at me
quite like that before.
And believe me, Ive had some looks
that could kill.
He stood by Lonette.
I couldve never, ever...
You dont know what youll do
till you really love someone.
Well, now what?
You gonna shoehorn yourself
into the situation?
No.
You did the only thing you could do.
You behaved like a gentleman.
Ive never been accused
of that before.
Dont get all choked up. You also
behaved like a scheming,
backstabbing, so-low-you-can-look-up-
a-snakes-asshole son of a bitch.
Next time, think before unzipping.
Its all right. You screwed up.
So, what are you gonna do?
Run to the bridge?
The question is...
...whats gonna happen with
the rest of your life?
Id be lying if I didnt admit the events
of the past few weeks
have knocked me for a bit of a loop.
All right, all right, all right.
Hello, mate.
And what can we do for you
this evening?
- How much are one of those?
- Five-fifty.
And youll need to put them in water
immediately.
Right, Ill have that.
Second thought.
Actually, this is
sort of a special thing.
- Whats the occasion?
- Say again?
- Proposal?
- No. No, no.
Well, I do want to extend an offer
to maybe have a go at it for a bit,
give us a spin, that kind of thing.
I get it. Commitment issues.
Tell me what she, or he, is like,
and well find the appropriate
bloom.
Well, she is...
You know what, shes adventurous.
- Frivole.
- And very sexy.
Im thinking Dolce Vita.
A little mischievous.
You know, cheeky?
Avalanche, with a touch
of mio amore.
And then under it all, shes just...
Shes just kind of sweet.
Liz?
- Hello?
- Its me, my love.
Hey, I didnt expect to see you tonight.
I thought you were working.
I had a cancellation,
so I took the night off.
Listen, I thought we should get
up early, get out of the city,
go to the country
and see if we can stay
- at that B & B youre always on about.
- Id love to, but I cant.
I have an investors breakfast
in the morning.
- How about on the weekend?
- Brilliant. Better.
All right. I thought you may...
Oh, my God.
No. Alfie.
- Oh, what a sweet gesture.
- Milady.
Theyre not out of some plastic bucket.
I handpicked, like, every bud.
- I can see that.
- And apparently, I have a bit of a flair
for flower arranging.
Im impressed.
- Talk about being blown away.
- Good. Mission accomplished.
I like surprising you.
Well, you certainly have done that.
All right, then. Well, youre up early,
so Im off.
- Im gonna see you tomorrow night?
- Yeah.
When we speak,
theres some things...
Some thing I really wanna
talk to you about.
What, honey?
Im gonna wait for the exact perfect
moment, and thats all Ill say.
Ill ring you in the morning.
And, Alfie, thank you for the flowers.
They made my evening.
Really?
In that case, maybe Ill stay.
I dont...
No, its not a good idea.
Theres a guy in there, isnt there?
God...
Go.
Dont do this.
Whats he got?
- Better than me?
- Alfie, please.
Tell me. Please?
Really, I would like to know.
Whats he got? Tell me.
I want to know what hes got.
Please tell me.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, just tell me.
Just tell me, come on.
Whats he got better than me?!
Hes younger than you.
Hes younger than you.
lve gotta admit,
l didnt see it coming.
She caught me off-guard, all right.
You couldnt tell, though, could you?
As youve learned by now,
Im rather skilled at hiding my feelings.
You see, the thing with feelings
is they have
this quiet way of sneaking up on you
when you least expect it.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like with Liz.
Who wouldve thought,
of all the women Ive known...
...the one I let my guard down with
delivers the knockout punch.
Ironic.
Calendar word.
Dorie.
- Hi.
- Hello, Alfie.
- I havent seen you in ages.
- Maybe because you stopped calling.
I know. Things were getting
a bit too...
Dont bother explaining. Im way past
needing excuses.
All right. No, you know what?
I want to explain.
What? You had your fill of me?
Someone cuter came along?
I dont need to hear it, Alfie.
- Look, Dorie...
- Really.
Look, Dorie...
What happens with me is...
I dont know, I get...
When it gets too... Not close
but something like that,
I start to feel... Not stifled,
not trapped, but something like that.
And I... And...
You know? You know what I mean?
Did that make...?
Did that make any sense?
I think it has to make sense to you
more than me at this point.
Yeah, fair enough.
I need to go. Hell be waiting for me.
Dorie.
Im sorry.
Good luck, Alfie.
I warned them all from
the beginning.
I always said something along
the lines of,
I must advise you,
I am stamped with an
invisible warning.
I will not commit. I will never marry.
Despite my best efforts, Im beginning
to feel some small cracks
in my faux finish.
You know, when l look back
on my little life,
and all the women lve known...
...l cant help but think about...
...all that theyve done for me...
...and how little lve done for them.
How they looked after me,
cared for me...
...and l repaid them by never
returning the favour.
Yeah.
I used to think I had the best end
of the deal.
What have I got?
Really?
Some money in my pocket.
Some nice threads.
Fancy car at my disposal.
And Im single.
Unattached. Free as a bird.
I dont depend on nobody.
Nobody depends on me.
My lifes my own.
But I dont have peace of mind.
And if you dont have that,
youve got nothing.
So...
So, whats the answer?
Thats what I keep asking myself.
Whats it all about?
You know what I mean?