1
by Trimark Pictures
You got to face it
love makes no sense
don't try to fight it
all your defenses
are useless
To you now
when you leave this room
all you will think
about is me
I'll be every song
on your radio
Everything on your TV
just wait and see
even though you
never looked at me
I know the real you
is behind those eyes
Every true story
is full of lies
That lead to
The real you
Hi. This is Eli.
Leave a message.
Hey.
It's Tom...
Again. Um...
Call me.
I'll take you by the hand
and soon I'll pull your heart
Out of your body,
and there is no way
You can escape me
I know the real you
is behind those eyes
Every true story
is full of lies
That lead to
the real you
the real you
real you
real you
real... You
um... hi,
I'm Eli Wyckoff.
I'm here for my test results.
And you're about an hour early.
Why don't you go get
yourself some coffee?
Oh, I'm... I'm going
to wait, if that's okay.
Okay.
All right.
This your first time?
My... my first?
No. No.
I have this habit of getting
tested after every boy...
Guy that I ever...
You know.
Well, there's only been
like 3 in the past few...
Oh... this is the third, so
it's not really a habit...
Yet.
Uh-huh
oh, no! It's not like I
think there's even a chance
that I have... You know.
I know the dangers.
I do the police blotter
for the Hollywood news,
so... me and danger
are like this.
So why are you here?
Feedback clinic.
This is Esther.
Uh-huh...
Well, did you suck his dick?
Then you better come in.
Okay.
Hi, I'm Tom.
And... i'm
an alcoholic.
Hi, Tom.
So, um...
I'm 10 days away
from my 30-day chip.
Yeah, um... Anyway.
Both my parents are drunks.
But, um... I still don't
feel like I belong here.
You know?
I mean, I go to flea markets.
I vote. Even for, like, school
board and... and prop... whatever.
I-I-I'm a special ed teacher,
for Christ's sake.
It's not like I'm this
Hollywood has-been,
crouched in an airport bathroom,
sucking on a can of final net.
So... why am I here?
The truth?
Truth is, I met a guy.
And if... I had to pick
a... I don't know, a trigger,
you know, I'd... I'd have to say
it was all over this guy.
But, whatever. You know what?
Who cares... How it happened.
Bottom line is I'm here.
And I quit drinking... And guys,
because I can't be trusted
with either!
Thanks.
Nice going.
Oh. Ha ha.
Yeah, well, I'll get it
right one of these times.
It sounded right to me.
It's like you were
telling my story.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Well, I shared first, so I
get dibs on the book rights.
That's fair.
So tell me about the guy.
Uh, you know what? No. I don't
want to keep you from...
What? From what?
The important things in life,
like stapling or filing?
Oh, please! I couldn't
be more bored.
So this thing with that guy?
You seem pretty healthy with it.
Only to the sight-
and hearing-impaired.
Pull up your chair, honey.
This one?
Yeah. Move up.
So, you and your boyfriend.
You broke up.
Oh, boyfriend.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know, but... but
things just got too...
Too!
You know?
And I choked.
I'm an alcoholic.
You do the math.
We met on a blind date,
which sucked.
Then we became friends, and...
Now we don't speak
to each other.
So, a happy ending.
How did we meet.
It all started with
this phone call
from my best friend, Jackie.
Tom! Pick up.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Damn it. Where are you?
I'm at a pay phone,
'cause I can't get
my piece of shit
cell phone to work
unless I'm standing on my head
with my fingers up my ass.
Whoo hoo! Yeah!
Fuck you!
Anyway, um... Listen.
Uh, what are you doing
Friday night?
'Cause I just met this guy Brett
at a furniture store on Montana,
and he showed me this great
love seat to die for,
and I think I could
get it wholesale.
There's just, um, one catch.
Everything I want,
you got it
Everything I need,
you own it
Everything I need,
you got it
Everything in me,
you want it
Everything I want,
you got it
Everything I need,
you own it
Everything I need,
you got it
Everything in me,
you want it
An-an-any luck?
Oh! Uh... With?
Oh, I don't know.
I just figured by now
you'd be looking for change
beneath the seat cushions.
Oh, god.
You did... you saw me?
Um, yeah, no.
The whole routine.
The little dance thing.
Oh, that's great.
That's great.
Now I'm thoroughly mortified.
No, you're fine.
Don't... don't... don't
worry about it.
Well, I know.
But now it's, um,
it's your turn to do
something humiliating.
Oh, well, I... I work
in a furniture store,
so I've pretty much
covered those bases.
Well, hello! Hey.
What's humiliating about an
employee discount, right?
Which, by the way,
does that apply to this sort
of wheelie cartie thing?
'Cause this is yummy.
Right. Look.
"A"... I get 10% off
of this crap,
and "B"... you know, I don't... I
don't know if the whole
clockwork orange come Ikea
thing is really your scene?
Honestly.
Quite a salesman.
Yeah, I don't even know
what half this shit is.
Okay. Great.
Well, you know what, though?
My heart does kind of beat
faster for this love seat.
Oh, you're kidding!
Why? Do you hate it?
No, I... it's the only thing
in the store that's mine.
Yours?
Uh, one of my designs, yeah.
Oh! You're a designer.
Yeah, yeah.
No, this...
This was one of my
first projects.
Well, I love it.
Thank you.
Uh, what is the color?
Sort of a yellow,
beige, yellow...
Buttercup.
Buttercup?
Buttercup.
I'm... I'm not
gay. Okay?
Just 'cause I say
butter... you know.
You know, I have this argument
with Eli all the time.
God damn it, man.
You know, honestly, just
'cause I say buttercup
doesn't mean I'm gay, you know?
Or I used to be gay,
or I want to be gay.
Not gay, you know, just very...
Particular about the nomenclature
I use regarding my palette.
And, uh, who's Eli?
The boyfriend?
Right! No, no.
He's my... he's my, you know,
he's my best friend,
who happens... happens to be gay.
Well, you know what I think?
I think you're one
of those guys who,
you know, sort of flirts with a girl,
maybe even takes her to dinner,
and then, you know,
when push comes to shove,
the only frenching you'll be
doing with her are her braids.
Well! That's
pretty sassy.
So you've been braided
a lot recently?
No, I... look, I know gay men.
Okay? I practically invented them.
Oh, okay.
You know? And there's no
such thing as a straight guy
with a gay best friend
he's not fucking.
Hey! Don't give me that
look, all right? What?
My friend Tom... who by the way, is
single, if you're interested...
Yeah, he's the first to agree.
Right, right. Uh, okay.
Well, thanks for the tip.
I'm not particularly
interested in... in... in Tom.
Uh, unless, of course, I
mean, he has your eyes.
So, there's actually a chance
that he didn't hate my guts,
and I could be having his children on
that kick-ass, buttercup love seat.
Which is where you come in.
I was like, great!
I figured next she'll be asking me
to blow some guy for 3-day blinds.
You know in the movies,
when a guy's in the supermarket
and he accidentally bumps shopping
carts with the love of his life?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well.
The last few times
I bumped carts with anyone,
they looked like they were
fresh off the special bus.
That is why I let
my friends fix me up.
Hi. This is Eli.
Leave a message.
Eli, you there?
Buddy? Hello, hello.
That's right.
There's an x-file marathon on.
I cannot believe I'm friends
with a Trekkie. It's pathetic.
Okay, I am not a Trekkie.
You got that?
I just like the x-files.
I believe the truth is out there.
Don't you?
Yeah, whatever.
Look, man. I, uh...
Fully hooked you up.
You have a date on Friday night.
What a minute.
What?!
Mmm, yep, that's right.
Your losing streak
is over, my man.
He's, uh, a total stud,
like a big guy.
Okay, you always say that.
It's like entry level.
It means he's got nipples.
For you, that'd be a step up.
Ha ha. That's funny.
Anyway, like, uh, his, uh, his
friend Jackie came into the store.
I completely hit
it off. Yikes!
Let me tell you. She's
got unbelievable K.B.
What is that? Killer butt? No.
Killer boobs.
Anyway, she told me
about her friend Tom.
Uh, sounds like a nice guy.
I, uh, I told...
I lied, basically.
I said you were a great guy.
Told her about you.
That's really nice.
And now you two have to
go out on Friday night.
Okay, wait a minute, says who?
That's...
Hold on. Someone's
at the door.
Actually, you know what? Can
I... can I call you right back?
I just showed up at my
loser gay friend's place.
I'll call you back.
That's funny.
It's mainly junk.
Umm, anyway, look. I know it
didn't go all so, you know,
that well the last time with, uh...
Richard, was it?
Rita! From ups.
She was a woman!
Whatever, you know.
She was still gay.
That's your problem.
You're so picky.
Anyway, you yourself
said she had K.B.
Killer... boobs?
No, butt.
Okay, you know, the whole initial thing?
It's got to stop.
And P.S. I never said K.B.
I said K.G. B.
Killer garlic breath. Oh.
Whatever. Look.
The bottom line is,
I made a reservation
for you, for Tom,
Friday night at Nick's, 8:00.
Be there or be square.
Okay, you know, I hate
it when people say that,
'cause even when I'm
there, I'm square,
so what is the incentive?
Well, he's a teacher.
Sounds like a great guy.
Maybe you'll get lucky. You'll
have to stay after class.
All right? Detention?
You like that sort
of thing, don't you?
The discipline, the gravity
boots, the whole thing.
You're welcome.
Of course, you went?
Yep. I went.
She landed on my roof
...from Venus
her ship ran out of gas
fast as light
and love came between us
Fashion girl from outer space
I'll never turn you on
future love
that's right, that's right,
that's right
Making future love tonight
that's right, that's right,
that's right
Making future love tonight
it's all right if I love you
It's all right if I don't
but I've been praying
that you're running away
'Cause I got the feeling,
honey, that you won't
Supersonic safety love
I'll never turn you on
that's right, that's right,
that's right
Making future love tonight
that's right, that's right
Believe me, I didn't have
high hopes for this date.
Well, you didn't
have anything to lose.
I know. Honestly, all
I kept thinking was,
"I hope he doesn't smoke."
sometimes I wish I had a gun
Uh, I'm going to...
I'm going to go up to the
bar and get another drink.
You want... you want something?
Yes, yes. I'll have another
seltzer with lime.
Seltzer with lime.
Make it a white wine spritzer.
Spritzer. Got it.
On second thought, can
I get a, uh, 7 & 7?
Rocks with a twist.
Okay. Are you sure?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I
always get a 7 & 7.
Oh, hi. Yeah. We're
going to have a...
Absolut Martini,
straight up, two olives.
Make it a little dirty.
You?
Uh...
Do you like movies?
Yeah, I like movies.
Yeah, me too.
I think it was gay night on
cable last night, 'cause I...
In and out was on again.
Uh-huh.
Nah, I just thought it
was great, you know,
to see a movie like that,
with two guys.
Not with two guys.
You know, with two guys who...
You know... In the movie.
I hated it.
Oh. Yeah. No. Me too.
I just... Thought
it was light... Fun.
Fun?
Yeah.
Fun to see Kevin Kline get on his
sorry-assed, middle-aged knees
and give us a big ole
Hollywood blow job
by catering to every
cliched, homophobic,
stereotypical idea of
what it means to be gay?
Without having the
decency or the courtesy
or... or even just the balls to drop
a little trou' and show us his.
Wait a minute.
Come on. I don't know.
I thought it was
nice to see a guy
coming out to his
family, his friends.
Not to mention his fiance.
His fiance?
The loser bitch has been
waiting her whole life
to marry this Nelly,
Barbara-loving, self-hating,
geriatric English teacher who
can't get it up for her.
And we're supposed to
feel sorry for her?
mean, you do the math.
Where the hell is the
waiter with my drink?
You want anything?
I'm not even going
to mention birdcage.
Can I get a diet coke? Sure.
All right. What was your
favorite movie of all time?
Let's just... Let's
just start with that.
You know what? I'm not a big
fan of the favorites game,
so why don't you go first?
Oh. Okay. Um...
Well, I know it sounds
corny and cliche,
but I have to say
gone with the wind.
I never saw it.
Yeah, right.
I didn't. I... I never
saw gone with the wind.
You're kidding, right? No.
I'm not kidding.
Come on.
I... I never saw the movie.
You never saw the movie?
No. I never...
Okay, fine. Do you want me to
tell you that I saw the movie?
I will.
I saw the movie.
It was the best movie
I've ever seen.
Especially, especially that
part where red buttons
is up on the hill
with Charlotte.
Oh, my god.
You are scaring me!
What... what do you
want me to say?
I'm not a big fan of
black-and-white movies.
Relax, would you?
Relax.
I saw fame like 15 times.
Does that help?
Well, it's a start.
Wow, K.E.
What?
What?
What... what did you just say?
Nothing.
Yeah, you just said something.
No, n-no I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
You said, "K.E."
What... what... what is that?
It... it's nothing. It's...
it's nothing.
It... It's stupid.
It's initial talk. Brett and I
have been doing it for years.
It is so stupid. It means nothing.
Trust me.
Right, so I just took a hit.
No, no, no!
You didn't. Tom.
Believe me.
I swear to you.
Oh. Damn it.
It means...
Killer eyes, okay?
You know what?
I-i-I'm going to go.
It's late, and uh...
Yeah.
Yeah, let's... let's you and I go.
On our way. Ways!
On our ways.
Separate.
You and me.
You know. Here,
let's split it.
No, I got it,
I got it, I got it.
No. Let's split it.
No, I want to do this.
Please. I don't want to do that.
Just let me pay.
Let me just split it.
Let me do this!
Let me just pay for my own.
Just go!
Going.
He hated me. It's like
I activated his gag reflex.
That is the last time I
will let you fix me up.
You got that?
Take it in.
Next date I go on is going to cost
me $2.00 for the first minute
and $1.50 each
additional minute.
Did he say anything
about me and Jackie?
What? No,
it didn't come up.
Are you sure the guy
was even gay?
Are you kidding?
I don't know. You
know... With you...
How many straight guys you
know pretend they're gay?
Besides you?
Hello!
You sure he didn't
say anything about me?
Hey, you want eggs? I can
easily add an egg to this.
Can I have eggs? Are there eggs?
Are there eggs?
You have to relax. You're
becoming a crazy person.
You've been whipping
for 20 minutes.
Your mother told me you
were going to be like this.
My mom called you again?
What did you tell her?
No, she's concerned about you.
You never... you never
talk to the woman.
You know? She thinks you're
becoming a big loser.
Oh, that's...
That's nice.
That's great. Thanks.
Thanks for that.
Easy for her to say.
I know what's out there.
Guys with bad
fucking hair plugs,
staples in their dicks,
beanie baby collections,
or worse.
Worse?
Oh, there's worse.
Oh, come on. It'll be so
much better next time.
There won't be a next time.
Unless his name is Ben,
Jerry, or Jose Cuervo.
Uh-huh. Like you haven't
already had those guys.
And their brothers.
Haven't you ever wondered
what it's like to be with
the same guy for more than...
Oh, I don't know... 5 minutes?
With the guys I meet,
5 minutes is all it takes.
Charming.
Okay, but more importantly,
mmm... what did Eli
say about me?
Is it going to
happen with Brett?
No idea.
Didn't mention it.
Oh.
Like I care.
But maybe I should
call Brett, and just,
you know, find out what
Eli said about your date.
Couldn't care less.
Right. Right. We
officially don't care.
I get it... Yeah.
I definitely am
not going to call.
Where you going?
Uh... home. To
officially not call.
No, no, no, no. You were
supposed to stay here
and watch lifetime television
for women and gay men.
Uh... no.
It's Joan Van Arc in not
without my nose job.
Oh, angel. I've already
lived that movie.
All that shit people say
about finding "the one"?
I'm sick of it.
Tom certainly isn't.
I don't ever think I'm going
to meet the guy who is.
You know, your whole problem is
there's no such thing
as "the one." okay?
You're such a liar!
Like two seconds
ago, you told me how
you think this girl
Jackie is the one.
I met her one time.
I said she could be the one or one of
the ones. There's not just one "one."
You know, there's
fractions of one,
there's halves of one,
there's quarters of one.
You know, the idea is about
making yourself open to someone,
you know, perhaps
Tom becoming the one.
Are you coming to the flea
market with me tomorrow?
No, sweetie, by tomorrow, I'm
hoping to actually have plans
with a man who will appreciate
me for my body, okay?
Not just my brains and
wit and sense of style.
So dad's in town?
You're disgusting.
Why don't you take a
date to the flea market?
Oh! Okay, that is why
you never go steady.
I haven't gone steady since the
seventh grade. You do the math.
Besides, he kept saying,
"you do the math,"
even when it made no
sense. What a turn-off.
What's the turn-on?
According to your mother,
you haven't had a hard-on
since she first took you
to see the nutcracker
at the Jewish community
center in first grade.
Stop talking to my mother
about my sex life.
What sex life?
I have one.
Uh-huh. Right. Okay,
you know, it counts.
I spent 10 years learning
which buttons to push,
now I just have to look
at myself and I come.
Eww.
Everybody's looking
for something
Step right up and tell
me what it's all about
Well, don't you worry
'bout nothin'
If you see what you like,
I'm sure we'll work it out
I come and see you
on Sundays
East side, West Side,
uptown or down
And all your problems
will disappear
When you lay your money down
vamos a alegresia
Let's make a deal, man
vamos a alegresia
Hey!
Hey! Hey, uh...
How are you doing?
Good. Good.
How are you?
Yeah. Good. Good, good. Good.
You, um...
You look good.
God... thanks.
No, no, no. Really.
So, what, you were
lying the first time?
What? No!
No, no, no. I...
You got that fresh,
Sunday morning,
read the paper, cup
of coffee kinda look.
Yeah, and here I thought
I had that stale,
Sunday morning hangover,
choke on my own
vomit thing going.
What are you, uh,
what are you here for?
You looking for
anything in particular?
Um, yeah, yeah, actually,
I'm looking for
a vintage Martini set.
You know, the shaker and the
glasses and the whole thing.
Huh.
How about you? You just...
You just browsing?
Me? Are you kidding?
I go nuts.
I have to look for one
thing and just one thing.
And that would be what?
Hmm? A bathroom,
actually.
Shit. They probably
don't have
bathrooms at a place
like this, right?
Probably just porta-potties.
God, I hate those.
You know, my parents had
to rent like 4 of them
for my sister's bat mitzvah.
Come on. You didn't come
here looking for a bathroom.
I didn't?
Okay, I'm looking for an original
Cornelius action figure,
you know, from
planet of the apes?
What, you're yanking
my chain, right?
Yeah, actually, no, I'm not,
and I really hate
that expression,
but you know, it was
good seeing you.
I'll see you around.
No, no! No, don't.
Come on, come on. Grow a
sense of humor, will ya?
I'm not... you're funny!
I'm not laughing at...
No, not funny bad.
You're funny good.
Funny good. Look.
Why don't we go grab
a cup of coffee,
and then I'll help you
go look for your Dollie.
Action figure!
So, is it just the apes or do
you have Betsy wetsy, too?
Because Jackie didn't tell me
that you were a doll collector.
Interesting. You know, Brett didn't
tell me you were an asshole.
Speaking of which,
what's up with those two?
Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Uh, so...
I, um, I thought
you should know,
they, uh, they hated each other.
Oh. Oh, right, uh, more
than life itself, yeah.
No, no... No fucking
chemistry.
I had the biggest planet
of the apes collection
until, like, the sixth grade,
when my parents made me
sell it at a garage sale.
They were afraid it was
going to adversely affect
my psychosexual development.
They're both shrinks.
Well, did it?
What?
Affect your
psycho... Whatever?
Well, I'm gay, aren't I?
Oh. So the apes made you gay.
I don't know.
What is that?
The ape theory?
Well, you've got a half-naked
Charlton Heston in a cage...
Where he belongs.
Yeah, right.
Plus my huge crush
on Roddy McDowell
and those cute, little
leather outfits.
That, my friend, is a
gay, pre-teen happy meal.
Do you have any Martini sets?
No, afraid not.
You know, I've got to
admit, I don't even know
what a Martini set looks like.
I... I wouldn't know a Martini
if it bit me in the ass.
No, it shouldn't if you
know how to make them.
Uh, I take it you do.
In my house, you had to.
I couldn't tie my
shoes till I was 10,
but I can make a Martini.
I was like Isaac on our
sinking little love boat.
Thank you, sweetheart.
This is perfect.
So, Tommy. Have you met any
nice girls at school this year?
Yeah. They're nice.
Hey. You give any thought
to what we talked about?
None of the other
fifth graders know
what they're going
to do after high school.
And what do I care about a
bunch of pansy fifth graders
with silver spoons
in their mouths?
I sort of like
the idea of teaching.
Teaching sounds good.
That's terrific, honey.
I can't remember them without
a drink in their hand.
You know, when my father used to pitch
baseballs to me in the backyard...
Uh-huh? He never spilt a drop.
Oh, my god. I can't
even imagine.
Your parents didn't drink?
No, we never played
games in the backyard.
Never?
First of all, we didn't
have a backyard.
And second of all,
the closest we ever
came to a game was...
The feel wheel.
Rage is at the top.
Then we move down
to frustration,
confusion, loneliness.
On the other side, we have
loving, affectionate,
silly!
Okay?
Eli, you go first.
Take your name and
put it on the emotion
you're feeling right now.
That's right, Eli. Don't think.
Look inside.
What are you feeling?
Right now. Go.
Don't think. Go. Go!
Go!
Do I have to,
Dr. Wyckoff?
Can you do it for mommy?
You'd just be walking
along and then you'd think...
"Gee, I feel happy," and then you'd
put your little flag on the wheel?
No, no. It's just... Something
my parents wanted us to do,
so that... They would
feel more enlightened.
Like getting us to say penis and
vagina at the dinner table.
You know, so that we
would feel comfortable
talking about sex,
which is probably why now I
prefer pee-pee and hoo-hoo.
More pee-pee than
hoo-hoo, I'd imagine.
Does it show?
I don't think that game would
have been a hit in my house,
unless there was a section
on the wheel for thirsty.
Well, there was a section
on the wheel for scared.
But... you'd have had to
share that one with me.
Hey, no chance on the
Eli and Tom thing. That's...
Oh! What a pain.
The gays are so picky.
No, no, no, no. It's Eli.
I'm telling you.
He's got the worst
D.K. On the planet.
Donna Karan?
No. Dating Kharma.
Oh!
Yeah. No, it sucks.
He told me that "a"...
He thinks he, like,
insulted Tom a hundred times,
and "b"... that he's...
You know, straight.
Yeah.
Okay, so now, Tom
is just a freak.
You know, he officially hates
any guy that he likes.
Or worse, who likes him.
What, dude?
Yeah, well, welcome to the
wonderful world of self-hate.
And he's not even Jewish.
What on god's earth is this?
I mean, honestly,
that's the ugliest thing
I've ever seen in my entire life.
Morning.
Morning.
What's, uh, what's the hurry?
Oh, you know what?
Today is decoupage day
at school,
and I'm late, so...
Oh, okay.
Um, listen, I just...
I want to apologize
for yesterday
and last night.
It just shouldn't have happened.
Oh.
I mean, I feel like we got
off to a really good start,
but then I feel like
I kind of fucked things up,
so I promise it won't
ever happen again.
Good. Yeah. I...
We shouldn't have...
Anyway, it was both
of our faults, so...
No. No. I... well, yeah.
So, you know, let's just
pretend it never happened.
Perfect.
Great. All right.
I'll see you later.
Hey.
How you doing?
I don't know. We had a great time.
I don't get it.
Looked to me like you did get
it... something called laid.
You know, FYI, gay
guys don't necessarily
play the same bases
as straight guys do.
It's still fucking, dude.
Hello, gentlemen.
You don't mind if the brother hangs
out, do you? I had him fixed.
Do I have a choice?
I don't get the double standard.
You know, guys can do all
kinds of things with women,
and they won't call it sex
unless they actually fuck.
You know, like sex with interns.
Listen, I'm not judging you.
You know, it's just sex, man.
I'm not being defensive. I'm trying
to explain to you that a guy
can get together
with another guy
and do all kinds of things
without necessarily, you know.
Right. Good.
That's enough.
It's a big step. I know
couples who have never
and probably will
never actually...
N.t... new topic.
What? What is with you? You were
never this squeamish in college.
That's because
you were dating women.
Yeah, well, it's the same thing
if you don't count the vaginas.
Oof. I count them:
4... so far.
Okay, you know what, Mitch?
Doesn't count if they
have inflate nozzles.
Hey, look man,
it's not like, you know,
you picked him up at
ye olde cock and balls
and got out the butter spray
and the choke collar
and the whole thing.
I mean, you spent
an afternoon together, right?
I mean, obviously he likes you.
Right.
Fuck, these are new.
What's the matter?
Are you cranky?
You know, I don't want
to do this anymore.
That's fine.
That's great.
Okay. Well, you did
a terrific job.
Hey, listen, what are you
doing on Friday night?
Are you going to
go out with the guy?
I don't know. Why, did
Jackie say something?
I don't know, but if
you're coming Friday night,
she can tell you herself.
Yeah. No, I'm not doing that.
That's so seventh grade.
Well, you'll
catch up. Huh?
Did she invite Tom?
No. It's just us.
It will be fine.
7:00 Friday night.
All right?
All right.
Take this.
Have a Valerian or something.
Take a nap.
He's too intense.
You know, I like him
as a friend, but...
Bullshit.
That is just fear of intimacy,
which by the way is so 1991.
Pause. Marie?
Yeah.
Put the headphones on.
The headphones... there you go.
Um, nice, Marie,
but I need more smile
and less sell, okay?
Uh, have fun.
Okay. Great. Fun.
All right.
Good. Topnotch.
Thanks.
The way you did in
the audition, remember?
The reason we hired you.
Right.
Absolutely. Yes.
Good note.
Really good note.
Great.
"New vita-power energy bars
with tasty, chewy
goodness in every bite."
I'm just glad you met a guy
with half a brain in his head.
Oh, wait, let me find
the love in that...
Oh, right, there is none.
Hey, I'm not the one who
fell in love with a guy
who could only get a job
selling sperm samples
and doing experimental
drug research.
Wasn't he allergic?
Yes, but he was cute,
and you know it.
Yeah, when the hives cleared up.
"During and after your
living and giving life."
Pause. Sweetie?
Uh, yeah.
What are you doing?
You're not
Kathleen Turner, okay?
No, I'm not.
I'm not Kathleen Turner.
That's right.
Yeah, I'm me.
Is that what you're
saying? I should be me.
No. What I'm saying
is that this isn't
blue cross, blue shield.
It's an energy snack,
so why don't we have
some... I don't know... energy?
Energy... yes, of course!
Okay, you're right.
All right, because
it's vita-power,
and "vita" means life.
Okay, now, correct
me if I'm wrong:
My intention should be to have...
No, to give more life...
Except as a bar.
But, Jackie, my concern is that
I'm going to be over the top.
No. Honey, you're so
under the top right now
it's like you're
selling me a douche.
Okay? I'm getting you
on the beach in
a floral-print dress
talking about
feminine freshness.
Is that the read
you're going for?
No, that's not.
Those were good word pictures.
Okay, just translate them
for what I need.
Okay, good.
Yeah, I can do this.
I'm just going to keep going.
You are so mean. You're not
even listening to her.
Yes, I am. She thinks she's
doing books on tape.
I think she's good.
Well, don't change the subject.
Brett and I are cooking
dinner on Friday night.
Ha! What are you having?
Shut up. You're coming.
Is he invited?
No. Just you.
Pause.
That's it. Go home.
You want me to go?
I should go home?
No, you're incredible.
I mean, that voice...
Don't even kid yourself.
You're going to have
a huge career.
Oh! Okay. I thought...
Thank you.
Well, thanks to you.
Jackie's a piece of work.
Brett's a lying sack of shit.
You look good.
I have no idea who this is.
I'm going to kill you.
If this is a sports figure,
I'm going to kill you.
Jaleel white!
Elie Wiesel!
You're actually not my partner.
Okay, come on. Go.
What is it about this look
that makes you think I know?
Come on. All right,
pass. Pass. Pass.
Okay, this one.
Oh, fuck, open.
Okay, the ex-football player
who allegedly killed his wife.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! "Allegedly"
...what are you, nuts?
Just say it!
O.J. Simpson.
Yes!
That's like saying Jackie
allegedly got a nose job.
Shut up.
Both of you
shut up. Okay?
All right, this one... the first
name rhymes with this...
okay, could you never,
ever do that again?
Just say it.
Time! Time,
time. Time.
Brett, is it maybe time?
What the fuck was that?
I bet you it was one of Brett's.
They're so hard
because he's so smart.
Apparently not smart enough to
know that you had a nose job.
What, I told you about that.
No, you didn't.
So what's the diff?
Come on, Brett,
like you couldn't tell...
Every Jewish teen-age
girl with money
winds up with that nose.
Don't you think it's, like,
a little bit weird, though,
that everyone on the planet
knows but your boyfriend?
Seriously, Eli, who was that?
Okay, well, I was
doing the hula, so...
I mean, it's a little
strange. Right?
Okay. They used to
call me the jackal.
All right?
So I got a nose job.
Are you happy now?
All right. I give up.
What rhymes with hula?
Wow. The jackal.
That's brutal.
You're being a jerk.
Yeah, but I'm being
an honest jerk,
so that counts
for something, I think.
Oh, wait. Shh.
You hear that?
That's the sound of you
not getting laid tonight.
Ha ha ha ha...
Oh, that's wonderful.
Did you guys hear that?
That was the sound of
Jackie being a bitch.
Did you guys hear that?
Yeah, I did hear that...
Well, what do you want from me?
I don't know. How about
a little honesty. You know...
Oh, come on. You know
what, the self-pity bus
stops right in front of my
building, pal. Don't miss it.
Well, maybe I'll get on the self-pity
bus, you know? Maybe I'll get a transfer.
Okay, you know what?
Can we get out of here
before they start
looking like my parents?
Fine with me.
All right.
Your place?
Uh, yeah, okay.
We can take one c...
Oh, hey, hey. Was that
Tallulah Bankhead?
No, no.
Rula Lenska.
Rula Lenska.
Who the fuck is rula Lenska?
Oh, I'm so sorry...
Oh, you're tickling me.
Guess they made up.
Hope she paid for Scotchgard.
Mmm. Oh,
don't do that.
Ooh, not right now.
Like when people say "ex cetera"
instead of "et cetera"...
What is that,
"ex cetera"? Crazy.
Oh, my favorite is
"for all intensive
purposes."
That's like nuts.
It's like, you know what,
where'd you go to school?
Are you sure you don't
want a sandwich?
I mean, I don't know how
you could eat that food.
No offense, but Jackie
can't cook for shit.
No wonder Brett's losing weight.
Hey, hey, hey... Hollywood news.
Where's your section?
Oh, no.
You don't have to.
Oh, come on, please.
I's embarrassing.
God, I mean it's...
Here, that's it right there.
But don't...
Look at that:
"Police blotter.
Edited by Eli Wyckoff."
Yeah. I don't
want you to...
"Juan a. Mass, 35,
"arrested early
Sunday for D.U.I.
"Blood alcohol level
was 2.1
when suspect was
apprehended by L.A.P.D."
What?
It says
"apprehended."
No, it doesn't.
It's "apprehended."
It says
"apprehended."
Oh, my god. Shit!
To apprehend.
That's when, what,
they grab the guy on the ass?
Goddamn. I proofread this
like a million times.
Oh, god.
Relax.
Fuck!
Do you know what you need?
Yeah. A new job,
apparently.
No, no, no, no.
You need a drink.
A drink.
A real drink.
Do you have any vodka?
Um, I don't know.
Is this vodka?
I've had it since like 1947.
All right, do you
have Martini glasses?
Those are my Martini glasses.
And my juice glasses.
And my water glasses.
All right, never mind.
They'll do.
I am going to introduce you
to the wonderful world
of Martinis.
No, no, no.
Screen, screen.
No, no. Let me get it.
Come on. Let
the machine get it.
You know what, I bet
you can't do it.
I can do it.
I dare you.
All right.
Hi. This is Eli.
Leave a message.
I got to get that piece-
of-shit machine fixed.
Eli, this is Dr. Wyckoff.
There's something wrong
with your machine.
Who's that, your shrink?
No, it's my mom.
You refer to her as...
It took her 12 years
to get her Ph.D.
She likes to hear herself
say it, okay?
Now move. No, come on.
I'm serious.
Eli, I was just reading the new
England journal of medicine.
And there's a pull-out
section on the new t.S.E...
Testicular self-exam and how to
make it part of your lifestyle.
My god.
Do you want to try it?
No. Come on. God damn it.
I can't bel...
I faxed the diagram
over to your office.
I put your name all over it.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Yeah. Don't listen.
The hues just hit you
right in the face.
You may want to give yourself
an exam while I read aloud.
I think we should do
this exam together.
Okay, let's take
a deep breath together.
Okay, start by lifting
the penis to one side.
Oh, my god.
Slowly roll the testicle
between the thumb and fingers,
applying slight pressure.
Ow!
Hello? Mom?
It's me.
Who?
Eli!
Eli. Oh, well,
are we screening?
Yeah... no.
I wasn't, actually.
We just got in.
We. Mm-hmm.
What does that mean?
Can I call you back?
Do we have company?
Yes.
Jewish?
No, but...
Cute?
Will you stop?
Wear a condom.
Oh, god, mom, no.
It's not like...
Did you hear the stuff
about the t.S.E.?
Did you hear what
I was talking about?
Yeah. We both did.
Thanks.
Maybe you could both
do it together then.
Nothing wrong with helping each
other with a testicular exam.
Mom...
Don't be shy.
I got to call you later, okay?
Wait, honey, please,
hold on for a second.
Call me tomorrow morning
between 6:50 and 7:00...
Good-bye. God.
I feel so dirty.
So why does it matter
if I'm Jewish?
You heard that?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my god.
I am going to go
to the bathroom now
and hope to god that
I can overdose on tums
or Maalox or pine-scented glade.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.
It wasn't that bad.
Really.
It was funny, actually.
Will you please call mom for me?
I cannot talk to her.
The woman stopped
having boundaries
when she stopped wearing a bra.
And the fact that
I know that... ooh.
I know. It's scary.
Does she pull
that shit with you?
Are you kidding?
She wanted me to
tape my first time for her
professional evaluation.
And?
I'm not telling you.
Oh, god, and did I tell you... she
just sent me this article
about circle jerks
in the new safe sex.
Can you believe I thought
"circle jerks" was
a figure-skating term?
Well, you know, it is...
With the male figure skaters.
Will you please call her
for me... please.
I cannot talk to her.
You know, you can't fight it.
And the more you
try to avoid her,
the more she's going to
insist on meeting...
What's your new
boyfriend's name?
Tom. And he's not
my boyfriend.
Whatever.
I don't know
what the hell he is.
What do you want him to be?
What?
I... no. Yeah.
It's like... I... no, no...
I just wish I knew
one way or the other.
Okay, put the bong down,
space cowboy.
He's your fucking boyfriend,
just like I said.
Eli.
Oh, hey.
When you said to me
you are not so old
did I know it then
'cause I had just been told
I didn't think I'd find you
perfect in so many ways
but I've been waiting
waiting
what is it with you and nudity?
Nothing. But that
movie was pandering.
It was an art film.
Yeah... the art of guys
with 6-pack abs
blowing each other
every chance they get.
And every
gay guy in L.A.
Is like
"run, don't walk."
And the problem with that is...
Christ, you may as well
stay home and watch
the hand that rocks my ladle
or Pocahoncho.
At least those movies
don't pretend to be
something that they're not.
You have those?
Pop them in.
Oh, god. See? You're
part of the problem.
Let me get this straight.
You think that a movie
about 2 guys...
It can't be about love...
Just sex?
Those guys were in love.
Granted, it was a
special kind of love.
The kind of love
that required latex.
Oh, my god. You know what,
never mind.
I cannot have this
argument with a guy
who never saw gone with
the wind... what is that?
God, would you relax.
Huh? You're going to give
yourself an aneurysm.
You are infuriating.
You... you don't have to.
Do you want me to stop?
No.
Mmm.
Man, you always smell so good.
Okay, there you go.
So, uh, Saturday
is tennis, right?
There must be an open on...
Australia, British.
Pakistani, right?
Is something wrong?
What? No, no.
I just want to watch TV,
that's all.
Huh.
That's okay.
Whatever. I get it.
Get what?
Same as usual.
The whole come-here-
go-away routine.
What, do you want me
to keep massaging you?
I will, but I got to tell you,
this isn't exactly the way
to get me to want to.
No, Tom, it's actually fine.
You know, that's just...
You're not attracted to me,
you want to just be friends...
I can handle that.
But then stop fucking
calling me and inviting me
to see semi-porn on
a Saturday afternoon.
And then drag me
back to my house
and start rubbing my shoulders
and expect me
to be like, "hey, buddy,
thanks a lot.
I'll see you around."
What is so wrong
with taking things slow?
Huh? Why does it
always have to be
all or nothing with you?
I don't know.
All right, fine.
Then maybe we should
cool it off for a while.
No, I like you. I do.
Thank you.
It's just...
I want to have a good time.
That's all.
I don't want to make this
this intense thing.
And you seem to want this...
I don't know.
I don't know.
What do you want?
Eggs, actually.
Whatever.
Remember cooties?
Don't touch the losers
or you get cooties.
And who are the losers?
Easy. Anybody with
a hard-boiled egg
in their lunch bag.
Well, I don't think
Tom liked what I had
in my lunch bag.
What about sex?
I mean, people do have sex.
Sex is the
logical outgrowth of...
Eli, let it out.
No, you know, I don't
want to talk about it.
Cop-out!
Why do you feel the need
to beat yourself up?
Why won't you
let us into the now?
Why do I feel like I'm in a
cheesy seventies est seminar?
Good. How else
do you feel?
Would you like us to bring
out the feel wheel?
You know what, no.
I would actually like it
if you would just leave me
alone for a little while.
Let me in.
I'm not going to hurt you.
I'm your friend.
What is wrong?
I'm fine, okay?
I don't think so.
It's this guy.
I knew it.
He has this reputation
for being sort of easy.
Mm-hmm.
Not with me.
With me, it's hard.
Or not hard... maybe
that's the problem.
Okay...
Oh, Eli. What is this?
A closeted gay teacher
is outed by a former student
on the night
of the academy awards
in the ground-breaking
comedy starring Kevin Kline.
I hate this film.
David, come in here,
you won't believe what
they're showing again.
What a piece-of-shit
film. Honestly.
Like we're supposed to believe...
Look at this.
They're showing it again.
They showed it last week.
That this woman's
going to fall in love
with a middle-aged, homophobic,
self-hating teacher
who's only now
discovered he's gay.
We hated this movie.
I don't think so.
Change the channel.
Change the channel.
Fuck you!
Hi.
Hi, sunny.
Mmm...
Oh, honey...
That's so sweet.
But right now
the thought of food
makes me want to borch.
Pretty picture
to wake up to, huh?
Well, "a"... I can't imagine
waking up to any other picture,
and, "b"...
I don't ever want to have to.
What is this?
It's your capers.
I know how you like
them on the side.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, shit.
D... huh?
Oh, no.
No, no, no. I...
Of course I'll marry you.
It's just that now
everybody's going to think
we're doing it
because I'm pregnant.
You're kidding me.
Are you kidding me?
Holy... oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Mmm. Mr. Preggers.
Mr. Preggers.
Wake up, Mr. Preggers.
We should have
never fooled around.
I know. Why don't you
have some more wine?
What can I say? He doesn't
make me weak in the knees.
Please. That is exactly
why you should be with him.
I mean, the ones
that make you dizzy
are only good for a quick fuck.
The rest are marriage material,
like Brett.
That is exactly
what I'm afraid of.
Wait. What?
Wow. Wow, that was fast.
Well, tick-tock, you know?
You're crazy.
I want you to be
my man of honor.
There's no such thing.
So? You're
my best friend.
I couldn't even imagine
anybody else by my side.
And your first duty
as my personal slave
is to pretend to love it.
Fine. Fine. Fine.
Thanks.
I love you.
I've been walking
backwards lately
To see if I could find you
It's Jackie. Again. Hello?
Where are you?
Call me back... stat.
Imagine you falling asleep
Watching TV in the den
if I could bring you back
Talk about...
Hi, this is Tom.
Leave a message or don't.
This is the bride-to-be.
I really wouldn't mind
having my best friend
around right now,
being that it's the most
important time of my life.
But, hey, maybe that's
just too much to ask for.
Anything just to
see your face again
And just to make you smile
and set me free
if I could bring you back
well, that'd be
the sweetest thing
If I could bring you back
to me
Turn his head and run
and don't look back
because I fear
there is nothing
left to say to you
That you want to hear,
that you want to know
I think I should go
the things I have done
are way too shameful
Oh
ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh, ooh
freeze!
Jack. Jack, pick up.
It's me.
Jackie, please pick up.
All right, well,
I met someone...
Apparently. Fuck!
Listen, Jack, I'm...
I'm really sorry I haven't
returned your calls.
I've been a shit, all right,
and it's me.
It's not you.
Like you don't know that.
Jack, I really, really
need to talk to you, all right?
I'm freaking out here.
Oh, Jesus, this guy
has the number 8
tattooed on his...
Wait.
Correction. It says
"eighth wonder."
okay. Yeah. You know, I
really know how to pick them.
Jack, please call me back.
Open your eyes and look at me.
No, I don't think
I will kiss you...
Although you need kissing badly.
If the right moment ever came.
You're a conceited, black-hearted,
varmint, Rhett Butler,
and I don't know why
I let you come and see me.
I'll tell you why, Scarlett.
The war can't last much longer.
Really, Rhett. Why?
There's a little battle going
on right now that ought to...
Hello?
How have you been?
Okay.
Good.
Listen, um...
What?
Well, what I was
going to say was
I've been procrastinating
about this whole wedding thing.
I haven't gotten a gift
for Jackie's shower yet.
I guess I'm in denial.
I'm sure it's not
the first time.
Yeah. Right.
You know, Tom, I guess I
never got the e-mail,
you know, that our cooling-off
period was officially over.
And, frankly, I'd like
to renew my option.
Um... yeah. I...
Bye.
Fuck... fuck...
Hi, this is Eli.
Leave a message.
Yeah, it's Tom again.
Listen, I'm all for
keeping things casual...
Now he's over me.
That's just great.
But that doesn't
mean we can't go out
and buy a baby gift
together, does it?
I hate people like this.
I know.
They play this game. Once
you decide to play it, too,
they don't want to
play it anymore.
I mean, what the fuck is that?
Yeah. You know,
I'm starting to think
that's all there is
out there anymore.
Well, that's wrong.
Nope. No, here's
what I think.
I think who I am,
you know, what I've been...
Not working so much anymore.
From now on, there's
going to be a whole new Eli.
The whole love thing...
I don't buy it.
Well, how come it works for me?
Oh, my god, you are so full of shit.
It doesn't work for you.
You fall in love with a
different person each week.
My point exactly.
No, no, no. You fall in love
with the idea of being in love...
With a married man to, what, experience
the rush of breaking up a family?
Now you fall in love with a deaf
guy to learn sign language?
Well, I did.
Okay, honey, this does not
constitute sign language.
And then with a woman
just to piss off mom and dad.
Okay, how much
did that backfire?
That's the year that
they decided to run
for co-president of p-flag.
You know what, from now on,
it's just going to be
one-night stands, casual sex,
just a lot of close friends.
Hmph. You sound
pathetic.
No, you know what? For the
first time in my life,
I think I actually make sense.
Great. Glad to help you
through the pain. Bye-bye.
Bye. I'll call
you later.
Yeah, will you tell that
other Eli to give me a call?
This one sucks.
If that's him, you're
not going shopping.
Okay, FYI, the only
reason I'm here
is because your whole
tires-got-slashed-story
was so much more believable
than the first
13 messages you left me.
Personally, I thought I had you
with the tickets to
X files on ice.
I already saw it.
I always wanted one
when I was a kid.
Surprising, huh?
Oh, my god, I had so many dolls.
My dad would have killed me.
Really?
Yeah.
My house was like
a free-for-all.
My sister had all these
Barbies and kens,
and my parents
made me play with them.
Your parents forced you
to play with dolls?
Oh, it was just so I could learn
the names of all the body parts.
Pick whichever doll you like.
It's your choice.
They're all beautiful.
Good. Now switch.
What do you call this?
Vagina.
Yes. Vagina.
Good, Rayna.
Eli... vagina.
Vagina.
Now say it like you
mean it: Va-gi-Na.
Vagina.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I always thought Ken was gay.
He was when I got
through with him.
That's another story.
You know, you and Ken together...
It's strangely erotic.
Well, we have been known
to do private shows,
if you're interested.
Not today.
Okay.
Hello, there, Eli.
I'm fuzzy wuzzy the bear.
Jackie would love this bear.
Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear
Fuzzy wuzzy had no hair
Fuzzy wuzzy wasn't
very fuzzy, was he?
Was he? Was he?
Was he? Was he?
Was he?
Was he?
Was he!
Was he! Was he!
Was he. Was he.
Was he.
That's what I said.
No, no.
You said, was he?
It's was he.
What's the difference?
You're kidding, right?
You just established that
fuzzy wuzzy had no hair.
Why would you then ask, was he?
Like a question,
like you didn't know
if he was fuzzy or not.
It is a question. I'm asking
if fuzzy is or isn't fuzzy.
What is so wrong about that?
It is a rhetorical question.
There's no answer to it.
It's supposed to be ironic.
"Fuzzy wuzzy wasn't
very fuzzy, was he."
I don't think it's that obvious if
fuzzy wuzzy was or wasn't fuzzy.
It is the point of the
whole goddamn thing.
Man, why are you so uptight?
No... there always has to be
a right way with you
and a wrong way with you.
I mean, is that why
you like being with me...
So you can feel like
you're right all the time.
What? No.
That's... is that what you think?
Alls I know is you have
this rigid idea
of how I should be.
"Alls you know"?
Right. Right. I can't.
Fuck!
Oh, boy, it's mine, mine, mine!
I love this.
Well, enjoy it now,
honey, because in a month or so,
you're going to be
ripping the seams.
I'm going to kill you.
Rachel, could you
shut the fuck up?
You're cackling like an idiot.
Come on, Liz, grab some bows
and help us with
the rehearsal bouquet.
Why do you want me to do it?
Because you think
it's the only time
I'm ever going to
get to hold one?
Okay, Liz, what time
is therapy, hon?
Do they make house calls?
That's really sweet.
Very supportive.
I'm taking my gift back.
I'll make it.
I'll make it.
Thank you.
Nice person.
Wait! The door. Get the door.
Get the door.
Oh. Uh-oh.
Is Jackie here?
Hey, Jackie, did you forget
to pay some parking tickets?
Hello.
Are you Jackie gold?
I'll be Jackie gold.
I'm going to kill you guys.
I can't believe you did this.
Jackie, you have been
a bad, bad, bad girl,
haven't you?
Oh, baby!
Oh, yeah!
Put that thing away.
Go ahead... Great angle.
Oh, my god.
You work that Booty.
Uh, I love him.
Uh-huh!
This is it!
This is it!
Okay, that is going
to be amazing!
Enough with the pictures.
That was great.
It was great.
I hate it with the pictures.
Ah, ring, ring, ring, ring.
Okay...
Forget about the ring.
Can we talk about
our friend the cop?
You mean your future ex-husband?
So how long you been doing this?
Too long...
Let's go, ladies.
Let me ask you this.
How many of these gifts
can I take home with me?
You're crazy.
I wrap beautifully, though.
Don't you think we should share?
You don't even like mine.
Can I take it back?
Excuse me... one second.
So, um, you know,
I've been kind of bad myself.
You have?
Please forgive me
if I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightning
running through my veins
every time I look at you
hey.
Hey.
How much do I owe you?
Uh, $9.22.
All right, why don't
you keep that.
Cool.
Thanks a lot.
Have a good night.
You, too. Thanks.
And there's so much
I want to say
Want to tell you
just how good it feels
When you look at me...
Hey.
Hey.
Where did you find this?
Internet.
Thank you.
I took it out of the box
so you could play with it.
It came in a box?
The original box?
Mm-hmm.
Where is it?
I tossed it. Why?
Why?
Never mind.
And then it happened.
What?
We went where no 2 men
should ever go
without a prescription.
Trust me. You don't want
the details.
Are you nuts?
At my age, the details
are all I got.
Take off your...
Ouch!
It's the remote.
Whoa-oh-oh-a
Let's not...
What?
That's the back of my leg.
Oh, sorry.
Kidding. Kidding.
That's funny.
That's funny.
Wait.
Don't you want to...
You have a thingie?
Shut up. Shut up.
Thingie?
You know what I mean.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. Yeah.
For I know not what I do
Tom?
Yeah?
Look at me.
I... love you.
Oh, my god.
I love you.
Oh, my god.
Every time I look at you
I'm hungry.
Yeah? You like eggs?
Why don't I make us some eggs?
Well, I'm supposed to
meet my parents
at the country club for brunch.
Do you want to come?
Hey.
Hi, mom.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hey, dad.
Tom.
Um, this is Eli.
Hi. It's nice
to meet you.
Hello, Eli.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Well, why don't we all sit down?
Lydia and I can share a menu.
I'll get another set up.
Do you guys want coffee
or juice or anything?
Yeah. Coffee
with milk.
Can I get a mimosa
and a coffee..And a water?
You'll fill up
on liquids, honey.
Save room for your meal.
Leave him alone, Lydia.
I wasn't criticizing him...
He's obviously old enough
to please himself.
Yeah. So, uh...
What have you guys been up to?
Well, not much really.
We got back from
Keenan on Friday.
And, oh...
And then I took the girls
from my church group
to see the phantom of the opera.
Oh, is that still running?
It was Friday night.
Right. Right.
I didn't know.
75 bucks a shot... it's absurd.
It's like throwing
money in the trash.
It's theater, Jim.
It's trash, Lydia.
All right. All right.
But how was it up in Keenan?
What?
What's wrong?
Now's not the time, honey.
So there's a right time
to ask about Amy?
Stupid.
Excuse me.
You heard me, Lydia.
You talk to me like that, you'll
see what you get from me.
Is that a threat, Lydia?
Dad, could you not...
Shut up, Tom.
Oh, that's rich.
Let's go.
Come on. Let's go.
Let go of me.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Get your hands off me.
I told you...
You always do this.
You always pull a scene.
Let's go.
Tom. Tom,
the valet's that way.
I'm not ready. If you want
to go, I'll take a cab.
It's a nice club.
You think if I were half-Jewish,
they'd let me
halfway in the pool?
I'm really sorry.
You didn't do anything.
Who's Amy?
She's my sister.
What? I didn't know
you had a sister.
Okay. I have
a sister... Amy.
She lives up north at a
special needs facility.
Was she in an accident?
No. No. F.A.S...
Do you know what that is?
Fetal alcohol syndrome.
Any other questions?
Hey, pal, I'm on
your side, remember?
I don't want anyone
on my side, remember?
You think just
because we fucked,
that makes us "we"?
I didn't ask for this,
for you, so just stop.
You called me, remember, so
make up your fucking mind!
How many ways do you need to be
told to leave me the fuck alone?
You know what, asshole?
Just one.
Alls I know...
All I know
is if I wasn't loaded
half the time,
I probably wouldn't
be in this mess.
Don't you feel like
the older you get,
the less you really
know about anything?
Absolutely.
I don't know shit.
People think just because I
managed to make it to 60
without getting
a Colombian necklace
or run over
by a u.P.S. Truck
that I have the answers
to life's questions.
Great. Great.
So there's no hope.
Ah, don't do that.
See, I'm not that deepshak Oprah
or whatever the hell
he calls himself...
Who tells you,
you believe in yourself,
you can do anything.
Pish.
Alls I know is
you keep your 2 eyes
on your own paper
and both hands on the wheel.
And a multivitamin can't hurt.
So I guess the lesson
is the same with booze
As it is with guys:
Wanting it and having it...
Totally not the same thing.
I'll be right back... bathroom.
Hey.
Sometimes I think
you can want it
and have it.
Isn't that what happens now?
Now?
Oh, what do you mean...
About Eli being at the wedding?
No, that's not what I meant.
Oh, wait, wait...
No, no, you wait a minute.
You made me wait too long.
You think too much, buddy.
Told you... negative.
Great.
So I guess that's it.
It's nice meeting you.
Oh, you're going to be
seeing a lot more of me.
You'll see. You know,
now that I'm off relationships
and just doing one-night stands.
Yeah. Sure.
Take a condom.
Used to put candy in this.
Anyway, I'm sorry
I talked your ear off.
Please. It's better than a
fucking movie, sweetheart.
Oh, don't you need
a parking validation?
Oh, god, right.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Oh, wait a second, hon.
Feedback clinic, this is Esther.
Oh, hi, honey.
How you doing?
What?
No, what?
Go ahead, ask me.
Well, I'm not a mind reader.
You ever seen me on the fucking
psychic friends network channel?
So what... all right...
Would you just
shut up for a minute?
Okay, so don't tell me.
Trust me, Esther,
one-night stands.
It's all black-and-white
for you, isn't it?
What?
I have been married to that putz
for 42 years.
The strongest, healthiest man
all his life.
And all of a sudden
he gets sick...
Lung cancer.
He never smoked
a day in his life.
Pretty fucking ironic, isn't it?
He's even got someone
taking care of him
in the afternoon...
Just like a little boy.
But he's dying.
And if I stop Hawking him
and giving him shit,
and calling him an asshole,
he'll know he's dying.
So I don't stop.
Plus, he is an asshole,
so that's a bonus.
So I've got my
grandmother's ring.
That's old and borrowed.
And Rachel got me
that blue thong.
Ooh, hoochie floss.
You got something else
that's new and blue?
Oh, actually, yeah, I do.
Holy shit, Tom!
What happened?
Bad date.
What did you do,
pick him up on the street?
Worse. AA.
Apparently, he uses sex
to work through anger,
which is fine when you're
not quite that angry.
What am I going to do with you?
I smell a lecture.
Fuck you, Tom.
Okay, you blow off a great guy...
Who by the way doesn't hit...
Because he made the tragic
mistake of falling for you.
And instead you're doing
like and Tina Turner
with some asshole from AA.
Well, you know, at least
he's not at Williams-Sonoma
registering for
a commitment ceremony.
You're right.
You're right.
Eli is such a loser.
I'm going home.
Holy shit.
What's the matter?
What? Nothing.
Bullshit. Why aren't
you getting dressed?
I'm nervous about
seeing Tom at the wedding.
That's all.
See, only you could
turn my wedding day
into the Eli Wyckoff show.
You know that?
I'm sorry, okay?
Believe me,
nobody can hate me
as much as I do.
Oh, my god. You know,
you have to change
the fucking record, man.
You have to stop!
You cannot make this be the be-all,
end-all of your entire life!
I'm not.
Yeah, that's exactly what you're doing.
Let me tell you something.
Love, right? It's going to come
up, and it's just going to
whack you on the back of the head
before you even know what hit you.
I don't believe that.
This is what happened
to me and Jackie.
You and Jackie were lucky.
You know, you're so...
You're unbelievable.
I was miserable
before I met her,
and it just happens, you know?
I mean, you're
a fucking amazing guy.
You don't have to
do this. Don't do...
Please shut up. You're
a great guy, you know.
I mean, if I were into guys,
we'd be in China right now
picking out a baby.
Thank god I'm not, but...
I'm kidding.
You know I love the gays.
And we appreciate it.
Guys.
Uh, Mitch.
I don't know if it's just me,
but I'm loving this tux.
You like the tux?
Loving it.
Mitch, remember how we discussed
the Ritalin situation?
Just please put on your pants.
Or get a tan.
Get doubles.
I want all of these.
Oh, yeah. When my
sister got married,
the best pictures were,
like, from the Instamatics.
Your sister got married?
Yes.
Jesus. Fuck.
What is my problem?
I'm like man poison...
Fucking penis raid.
Whatever.
Okay, girls...
How do I look?
Oh, my god.
You look like a movie star.
Really?
Yes.
Seriously.
Oh, Christ.
In a million years,
I never thought I'd be
wearing white this soon.
Yeah, well, you shouldn't
be, unless you want me
to call the pope and tell
him it happened again.
Hey, I would have
worn the cream one,
except for it made me look like
a Jenny Craig "before" picture.
Are you crazy?
Where's Tom?
He's out on the patio.
I mean, he is a man, after all.
What?
Repellent, remember? Gay or
straight... doesn't matter.
Hey, put that out.
You're killing my unborn child.
I was aiming a little higher.
Oh, nice.
What are you doing out here?
Oh, my god!
Eli was stalking you?
That is so romantic.
Well, not to me.
Oh. Oh, that's right,
that's right,
but if he tried to kill you,
then you'd be picking
out China patterns.
Hey, you all right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Just... you're
getting married.
I'm having abandonment issues.
I'm just extending
the family, babe.
Jackie, let's go!
We'll be right there!
Oh...
Tom, I owe you an apology.
For what?
The way I've been
pressuring you about Eli.
I realize I've just been trying
to make you like everybody
else, and you're not...
And that's one of the
things I love about you.
You're the only guy I know
who will probably never find
that one person to settle down
with, and still be very happy.
I envy that.
Jackie, get your ass in here,
or I'm wearing the veil.
We're coming!
But look at me. Shit!
I'm, like, one step away
from den mother, p.T.A.,
and, "hi, honey,
I'm home!"
How the fuck did that happen?
I guess you fell in love.
What? Oh, no, no, no.
I just got lipstick
all over every single
one of my teeth.
How did I do that? Hmm.
All right.
Well, it's show time.
You may exchange the rings.
Wow.
It's a nice one.
Congratulations!
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Mazel tov!
Eli.
Eli.
Yeah?
How... how long are
we going to have
to keep ignoring each other?
What?
I'm not ignoring you.
Are you ignoring me?
Come on, Eli. You haven't
returned one of my phone calls,
and you've said maybe 3
words to me the entire day,
two of which were
"seafood newburg."
Which I have to say
was repulsive.
Can I get some more
champagne? Champagne?
Um, no.
Can I get a...
Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry.
Absolut Martini, straight up, two olives.
Make it dirty.
No, no. Actually, seltzer
with lime, please.
What? So now you're...
Not drinking?
Wow. Good for you.
Thanks.
I sort of had to.
I was slipping in the polls.
Yeah, well...
I, on the other hand,
need some more champagne.
Look, Eli, I'm sorry I didn't...
You know what?
Let's not do any of that...
"I'm sorry it didn't work
out" postmortem stuff, okay?
Okay.
Besides, it will free up some
time to make fun of people...
Like Mitch, man of mystery,
teaching the rabbi the macarena.
What is this, 1987?
Did you see Brett's mom?
I've never seen a woman
with more hair on her back.
I know. I keep waiting
for the Anti-fur activists
to storm in here
and throw paint on her.
Poor Brett and Jackie.
They have no idea what they've
gotten themselves into,
but they will... Mark my words.
See, first, they'll only
hang out with other couples,
and then they'll start
doing the "we" thing.
"Oh, we love this,
and we hate that."
And ordering for each other,
because "that's what
we always have."
Before you know it,
she'll be shopping
for lingerie at bloomingdale's,
and Brett, the poor loser,
will be outside
the dressing room
with her pocketbook in his lap.
Oh, my god.
You are so full of shit,
you know that?
You got this bullshit
"I don't need anyone" thing,
and you use that, thinking
it's going to shield you
from the fact that your parents
were drunks, had a lousy marriage,
and fucked up everyone
in their lives.
But it's your life now,
not theirs.
And what do you have
to show for it?
You're just another self-hating
recovering alcoholic
with nothing to live for
but a Martini and a blow job.
Eli. Eli!
Hey!
Don't you dare sum me up!
You don't know
the first thing about me.
And that would be whose fault?
Oh, god.
God. You know what?
It's so easy for you, Mr. Love
is a many-splendored thing.
But you know what?
I've seen it. I've seen it.
My parents loved one another
"till death do us part,"
and believe me,
it practically came to that.
I mean, have you...
Have you ever heard
the sound of two people
suffocating one another?
Have you?
Or the sound of ice cubes
smashing against the wall,
or a pot roast being
shoved down the disposal?
No. How could you possibly,
with your touchy-feely,
"I'm okay, you're okay" parents?
I'm sorry I'm bursting
your little bubble,
but there are
a million guys out there
who can give you what you want.
I'm just not one of them.
I'm sorry.
You do the math.
You know what?
Fuck you if that's the wrong
use of that expression.
If I could bring you back
That'd be the sweetest thing
If I could bring you back
I would do anything
if I could bring you back
To me
I just wanted to say
before I go...
I'm sorry.
I don't want you
to leave here today
thinking that
you can't do this...
Being a...
Because you can.
Tom, you are going
to meet someone...
And you are going
to be so great at this.
And it's not going to be
like your parents,
and... and it's not going
to be like it was with me.
Anyway, um...
I'll see you around.
Eli.
What?
What exactly do you want?
What... what do I?
Yeah.
Yeah, you.
I wanted... This to stop
being so fucking hard.
I want to meet your sister.
I want to be over
this part, you know,
so that I can
call you an asshole,
even when you're sick, and...
You'd still know
how much I love you.
Eli...
I don't know what
you call that, Tom...
Pocketbook-holding,
suffocating, maybe...
But if I could ever have
anything even close to that...
Eli.
So I'm gonna go, okay?
Valet's got my car.
Got to...
Hey! There you are.
Oh, Eli! Hey.
Hey.
Uh, should I...
Or is...
Is everything okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's up with the braid?
Oh, uh, Brett did it.
It's a long story.
Okay, I need to take
a personal moment.
What's the matter?
You're not having fun?
Oh, I was till
about 5 minutes ago.
What happened?
I put my left foot in,
I put my left foot out,
I put my left foot in,
and then I threw up.
The baby?
Uh, no. Brett's cousin Al
bumped his pokey into my hokey,
and I borched, all right?
I think Brett is the only
normal person in that family.
Yeah.
Okay, can we talk about
his brother Mitch?
Hello? Freaky Mcfreak!
I know. The guy wants to
get into Cirque Du Soleil.
I swear to you, he says he
can swallow his own leg.
Well... yo, what's up?
How are you doin'?
What am I missing?
Oh, just a family resemblance,
and I love you for it.
Okay. I don't know
what that means.
Uh, I'm really smashed. I think
I just made out with the rabbi.
Is that...?
He I hot.
Is there gonna be dancing?
Are we gonna dance?
'Cause I promised the family
some hot man-on-man
action tonight.
You and me?
No.
I think he means me.
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
It's gonna be fun.
Come on, sweetheart.
Oh, look at that ass!
A little something like that,
or if you want,
we could do eighties style.
No? Come on.
Stuff like that,
and then maybe a little unh!
You know what I'm saying?
Ow. Ow.
You're stepping on my foot.
How hot does this
broad look tonight?
So I meant to tell you,
I finally saw
gone with the wind.
And?
And... and I loved it.
Oh, thank god.
See, I think Scarlett
realizes in the end
that it was just fear
holding her back
from the guy
that she wanted to...
You know, hold her pocketbook.
Yeah.
And the thing
about Rhett Butler...
Yeah?
He wasn't
very fuzzy... Was he?
I'm gonna make you love me
I'm gonna dry your tears
and we're
gonna stay together
For a million years
it's the least I can do
just to make you my baby
no words could describe
oh, pinch me, I'm dreamin'
your hair's long and black
as it lays 'cross my pillow
when I stare in your eyes
I get lost in your glory
I'll never leave
oh, you want me to
but that's all right
I'm gonna make you love me
I'm gonna dry your tears
Dry all the tears
and we're
gonna stay together
For a million
I'm gonna make you love me
I'm gonna dry your tears
Dry all the tears
and we're
gonna stay together
For a million years
If the silence
doesn't kill you
Then illusion will
and you're starin'
at the sky
But the moon ain't
gonna pay our bills
And we're laughin'
'bout it loud
When, oh, you know
it ain't no joke
You seem them
cake the roads with glitter
Trade your dreams for smoke
teardrops in the treetops
the wind is whistlin'
through the mountain's teeth
A song for
every wounded dove
But we're out further
than the rainbow's edge
going down,
down to the roots
Of love
by Trimark Pictures
Captioned by the National Captioning