In 1804, President Thomas Jefferson...
commissioned Meriwether Lewis
and William Clark...
to explore the vast,
uncharted territories of the Northwest.
What most people don't know
is that there was a second expedition...
led by two other men...
men that may not have
possessed the courage...
vision, or intelligence of Lewis and Clark...
but men nonetheless.
Their story, such as it is,
begins in Arlington, Virginia.
It'll take more than a couple of fops
to take me down!
I hope Satan himself burns the flesh
from your miserable bones!
Good God, lady!
Get your hands off me!
Leave me alone!
Faster, man. Faster. But not too fast.
As much haste as possible while
maintaining a tolerable level of comfort.
A man's life is at stake.
No!
On March 25, 1804...
Bartholomew Hunt...
a tracker employed by the army
of the United States of America...
was found guilty of drunken
and disorderly conduct...
in the presence of an officer.
Then later...
he forced that officer to waltz with him
through a crowded mess hall.
Have you anything to say?
Yes, I do.
When I am dead
and have passed on to the next world...
I want you to lower me
from these gallows and...
kiss my hairy buttocks!
Hang him!
Take him down and choke him!
Hang him!
May God have mercy on this man.
Out of the way. Get back.
I have a stay of execution
signed by President Jefferson himself.
See? He signed it right here.
"Thomas Jefferson. "
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
Mr. Hunt, I plan on being the first man
to map a route to the Pacific.
But I require an expert guide.
If you wanted a tracker,
why did you choose me?
- Why didn't you get William Clark?
- Don't you think I tried?
Meriwether Lewis beat me to him.
I'm sick to death of those two.
Lewis and Clark this. Lewis and Clark that.
We'll see who talks about them
after we beat them to the Pacific.
Then we'll see who gets invited
to the finest parties.
We'll see who's able to parlay their
accomplishments into a political career.
When the history books are written...
Lewis and Clark will be
but a footnote to a footnote...
and I, sir, will be the note.
My hands will grow rough,
my teeth may yellow...
I might even experience
a general soreness in the joints.
Yes, this mission will be
a treacherous one, make no mistake.
We will face danger from savages
and from bears.
These bears are wild, mind you.
Not trained carnival bears...
- with little hats.
- Sounds exhilarating, sir.
Few men would have the courage
for such an endeavor.
I'm not afraid, Mr. Burr.
My mind will protect me.
I'm a man of science, a man of learning...
a man who knows
how to buy the finest books.
Fear will be our breakfast,
and stark-raving terror our daily luncheon.
Mr. Hunt?
Mr. Hunt?
I'd be more worried about the Indians
than the bears.
It's common knowledge that...
when the savages capture a white man...
they will split open his head...
pick out his brains, and eat them...
with a crudely fashioned fork. So...
Have you witnessed such atrocities,
Mr. Hunt?
I've seen the forks.
You look like a man
who appreciates good whiskey.
Thank you, sir.
But I fear inebriation may cause me
to forget my manners...
in such fine company.
Good God, man,
I'm not talking about getting blind drunk.
I just meant for you to have a taste.
Well then, taste it shall be.
Not bad.
How about you get your own bottle?
Good morning.
I had Jonah put you in here last night.
It seemed a barn was the only suitable
place for a man in your condition.
I think there was something wrong
with that whiskey.
My head is splitting open.
I'm surprised you're hungover at all...
considering the amount you regurgitated
into the harpsichord.
Look. Sorry about that.
I'd better go now.
Mr. Hunt,
I cannot go on this journey without you.
I'm offering you a full partnership.
What do you think of that?
I think it ain't worth the spit you wasted
saying it.
I'm also willing to pay you $100.
- $200.
- $125.
$150.
Deal.
Great things are in store for us.
Soon our names will be on the lips of...
Well, on a great many influential lips.
Are you listening, Mr. Hunt?
I believe
those pigs would prefer their privacy.
Hell. I paid good money
to see this on stage in Louisville.
Of course, there the pigs were dressed
like the King and Queen of France.
Costumes. Legitimate theater.
I'm looking for Leslie Edwards.
- I am Leslie Edwards.
- My name's Jackson.
It's been my lifelong dream
to see the Pacific Ocean before I die.
Please take me with you.
An old bag of bones like you
wouldn't make it 100 yards upriver.
On my worst day
I could still beat the stuffing out of you...
you puffed-up crow's cock.
- No, you couldn't.
- I know.
Please take me with you.
I must see the Pacific.
- Can you deny an old man his dream?
- I cannot, and I will not.
Jackson, you may accompany us.
- Horse's ass.
- Turd!
- Help us load the boats.
- Sorry, can't do. I'm an old man.
Edwards, this man says you hired him
as an interpreter.
- You must be Guy Fontenot.
- I am.
It is my understanding
that you've mastered the languages...
of all the indigenous populations
from here to the Pacific.
- Who told you this?
- Why, you did, in your letter.
My letter?
The letter.
- Yes. Then it is the truth.
- Wonderful.
Which boat will we be in?
- We?
- Fontenot wants to bring his wife.
- I told him he can't.
- She's not my wife.
Not my wife. I buy her.
She belong to me as a property.
Well, the distinction has been noted.
Unfortunately, as you can see,
the boats have been fully loaded...
and we haven't even taken on my hats
and tea service.
They say you can't come.
You didn't let me finish.
Certainly we can make room.
I mean, who needs tea?
Let it be known...
that if I catch any man looking at her...
I will cut him like a pig.
Yes, I'll see if I can work that
into my speech.
Father.
Dear Lord in Heaven...
bless us as we leave this Christian world...
and give us courage to bring
your gospel of love and tolerance...
to the ignorant,
godless savages who await us.
Amen.
- All right. Let's go!
- Hold on, Mr. Hunt. Hold on, everyone.
I prepared a short address
to commemorate our embarkation.
Here we go.
Men, we are about to embark
on an unprecedented adventure...
to the great Northwest.
Unfortunately, Lewis and Clark
have a two-week head start...
so time is of the essence.
We will be pushing up the Missouri.
What? Against the current?
Mightn't it be easier
to go down the Mississippi...
- instead of up the Missouri?
- Yes, it most certainly would be.
We could go to New Orleans instead.
Gentlemen,
we have already been to New Orleans.
Sir, I've been to New Orleans.
It's wonderful.
I've been there as well.
The food alone is worth the trip.
The food, sir.
New Orleans.
All right, fine!
Any man who is too cowardly
to share the greatest adventure...
in our young country's history...
and would rather experience
the decadence of New Orleans, well...
then go right ahead.
Mr. Hunt, do something.
Next man who leaves for New Orleans...
will do so with a lead ball in his back!
Need I remind you
that you all have signed contracts?
What about them?
- They will be dealt with.
- By who?
- All right, they escaped.
- Now get in the boat!
Everyone.
And so our journey begins.
I believe the men and I share
a tremendous sense of excitement...
and anticipation for what lies ahead.
Thank you, Higgins.
Your music will be a welcome companion
on our long journey.
Men, we'll be following
the map of trapper Pierre LeBlanc...
who explored the Missouri in 1792.
Hunt,
you've traversed most of these territories.
Tell the men
what they might expect to encounter.
Okay. Well...
- what I remember most were the animals.
- The animals.
Fearsome beasts
of the mountains and plains.
I seen a bear so powerful...
that it snapped a man's body in half
with his huge jaws.
I seen a badger with paws
as big as frying pans.
They'd rip your face right off. Right off!
There's nothing you can do with that.
Just rip it off.
Once there was a hawk
that swooped down from the sky...
and plucked a man's eyeballs
out of his sockets.
The fellow was screaming,
"Im blind, I can't see!
"I can't get it off!"
- Twice when I was fishing...
- Hunt...
- I think you're scaring the men.
- I think it's best they know.
Gives a man courage
to know what he's up against.
There's an animal now!
Kill him!
We can't kill it.
We're all dead!
- God save us!
- Hold your fire!
Its only a squirrel.
He's got something in his hand!
31 May, 1804.
We are now spending our first night
in the wilds.
From this point on...
hardship and deprivation will be
our constant companions.
Jonah, it is absolutely brutal out here.
The water's nowhere near as hot
as it was in Virginia.
I wouldn't know, sir.
Personally, I just finished
washing my privates in the ice-cold river.
I think Ill... Yes, I think Ill wear
my paisley robe this evening.
- Its your prerogative, sir.
- Yes, it is.
Mr. Hunt here to see you, sir.
I just thought I'd tell you there's already
a problem with the men's morale.
Its our first night out.
How can there already be a problem?
One faction feels that you're distant,
you don't care about them.
Another group feels that the original
high-minded goals of the expedition...
have been abandoned for quick profits.
You have to keep on top of these things.
...and we're all in this together.
We are no different from one another.
Except, of course, for our rank in society
and in this company.
Let us get better acquainted.
What do you do with your leisure time?
Leisure time.
You know, time for yourself
where you don't have to work.
Leisure... Never mind.
You there, fingering that stomach wound.
Stand up and tell us a little about yourself.
- Me, sir?
- Yes, you. Bidwell, isn't it?
Yes, sir. What did you want to know?
Well, anything. Where are you from?
What's your family like?
Name's Bidwell, sir.
Yes, I know that.
All right. Well. Anyone else?
Sir, Higgins has a story.
Oh, yes. You're going to love this one.
Well, all right, Higgins. The floor is yours.
This particular event happened last
summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia.
My brother and I
had just finished cutting a field of hay...
and were enjoying the evening meal
under the shade of an elm tree.
He went down for water by the creek,
and while he was gone...
I took a bowl that was filled
with delicious plum pudding...
and placed into it, not one...
but two large pieces of sheep shit.
When he returned, I encouraged him
to taste the plum pudding.
And as sure as Im standing
before you today, he did.
He ate it all. Shit pudding.
He ate shit pudding.
- You got your brother to eat sheep dung.
- Yes.
Yes, that's a very amusing story.
Tell him the ending. That's the best part.
And to be completely honest, sir,
I have no brother.
It was me! I ate sheep shit. I swear I did!
Yes, clever twist on the end there.
I think we've become well enough
acquainted for one evening.
Fun, fun.
He hasn't got a brother.
Higgins, when I said your music would be
a welcome companion, I didn't mean...
Don't you know any other goddamn tune?
- No, sir.
- Of course you do, lad.
Play them that haunting air
you played me this morning.
Quiet.
- What is it?
- Indians.
These are the lowas.
Fontenot, please greet this man
in his native tongue.
Why do I laugh?
You see, of the hundreds of language
that I speak fluent...
this is not one of them.
Bad luck.
They do trade with whites.
He probably speaks English.
Good day. I bring you wishes for peace
from Thomas Jefferson...
the Great Chief of the Whites.
You've insulted him.
You forgot to introduce yourself.
Lm Bartholomew Hunt...
and this here is Leslie Edwards.
Your turn.
I was told you speak English. Is this so?
- We seem to be making some progress.
- Let me try something.
We wish to try...
Forget this.
We come in peace
on behalf of President Jefferson.
- You...
- Hunt.
- I am Chief Two Roads.
- Lf you're the Chief, then who is that?
His name is Bent Twig.
He's not right in the head.
Lve got it. Now what do I do with it?
- Put it on.
- All right.
Good news.
Looks like they're gonna let us live.
Let us live?
I had to give them
a few of your finer things, of course...
so they wouldn't kill us.
- They seemed so friendly.
- That's the way of the savage.
Pretend to be your friend, share a drink,
listen to your problems.
Next thing you know, they're scooping
your brains out with a spoon.
You mean a fork.
That would depend on the tribe.
Mr. Hunt,
the lowas would never have killed us.
I know that.
Lm just not carrying that junk with us
the whole trip.
Help me! You keep away!
What the hell's going on?
Bidwell, take it easy.
What's happening here?
Sir, that French animal bit my ear off.
That's an absurd exaggeration.
My apologies, Bidwell.
He look in our tent.
He look at my woman. He saw her breast.
Her breast? You saw her breast?
Lll say it before, and I said it again:
Any man who look on her will die.
Look at me.
Lm going to make an experiment.
Hello. Bidwell?
Can you hear me?
I can hear you, Pratt.
It works.
Well, of course it works.
He's standing right...
Let's get some sleep.
Good night, Bidwell.
The race to the Pacific continues.
Although still bent on
beating Lewis and Clark...
I am cataloging new varieties
of flora and fauna.
I seem to be the only man
with an interest in science...
aside from Pratt and his dubious
experiment with Bidwell's ear.
I shall name this flower Amanda's bloom.
Mr. Hunt, as my partner, you should be
naming some of our discoveries as well.
- Me?
- Yes.
You could name that fork in the river,
for instance.
Perhaps there's a loved one
you'd care to immortalize?
Loved one?
Yeah. Sure.
I know.
I name this here fork Pittsburgh Nellie.
A Welsh whore who could do things
with her one good arm...
that would make you forget
that thing on her neck.
By permitting Mr. Hunt
to name some of our discoveries...
I have unleashed his imagination.
He now insists that I teach him to read.
His enthusiasm reminds me
of the schoolboy I once was.
- Are you ready?
- Yes.
Excellent.
This is the uppercase...
"A."
You know, I spent a day in school once...
but the schoolmarm claimed
that I just couldn't concentrate.
Well, let's prove her wrong, shall we?
You know, Ive waited years
to hear somebody say that.
Again.
Hunt.
This is the uppercase "A."
The uppercase "A."
I got that.
All right.
And this is the lowercase...
"a. "
The...
lowercase...
"a. "
Oh, God.
Got it. Okay.
- And this is the...
- Enough!
Do you want my head to explode?
In the name of all
that is good and decent...
no more for today!
In exchange for reading lessons,
Mr. Hunt reciprocates...
by teaching me some of his frontier skills.
The buffalo is near now.
You can tell that
just by sniffing its droppings?
No. I can see the herd right over there.
Then why are you...
No, I shouldn't.
I couldn't possibly...
Edwards!
You're not doing any naming up here
without me, partner?
No.
- What are you looking at?
- The moon. I was looking at the moon.
For me, the moon brings to mind romance.
Yeah.
Have you ever been in love, Mr. Hunt?
Lve had my head under a petticoat or two.
Good Lord.
Must you and the others
reduce everything to its crudest terms?
I thought I cleaned it up rather nicely
for you.
Mr. Hunt, behold the object of my desire.
Behold an angel sent down from on high.
"Angel from on high. "
Oh, my God.
From here on out,
you keep your distance, all right?
What? No.
No.
Get out of the way, you big French oaf!
Behind Fontenot.
Now do you see?
Yeah, now I see.
All right, that's enough.
I said all right, Mr. Hunt.
That will be enough.
I understand.
You want to watch her by yourself.
You want to be alone
so you can shake hands with Ben Franklin.
You know, polish the pewter.
Polish the pewter?
Jonah does that for me.
Yeah, right.
What? No.
Mr. Hunt, I assure you Ive never...
July 10.
Lve driven the men hard...
and Im positive we've closed the gap
on Lewis and Clark.
However, because of the currents,
I surmised that we'd be better off...
portaging for the next several miles.
Its hard work, but it's nothing
compared to the deadly currents...
we'd be battling on the mighty Missouri.
Here we go!
Everybody, wake up.
Oh, my God.
Whatever you do, don't move.
If he sees you move, you're dead.
- My nose itches.
- Don't scratch it.
- Feels like there's a bug up in there.
- Wait.
I think it's leaving.
- Im gonna scratch it.
- You scratch your nose, you're dead.
I don't know what's worse,
the bear or my itchy nose.
No. Don't.
The bear is worse.
The bear is definitely worse!
That poor, poor man.
Bidwell, can you hear me?
I fear the bear has killed Mr. Bidwell, sir.
He's failed to communicate with me
by way of his ear.
It doesn't work that way.
It doesn't work any way.
But even if it did,
he couldn't talk through it.
Never mind.
Help me.
- Bidwell!
- Sir.
Sir, Ive been to hell and back.
Yes, I can see that.
I suspect that now you'll want
to lead a hunting party...
to slay that terrible beast.
Yes, that thought
did cross my mind briefly.
- But now I have a better idea.
- Yes, sir?
I shall fashion for you
the finest wooden leg you've ever seen.
But what about the bear?
Rest assured, Bidwell.
In 20 years or so, the ravages of old age...
will deal with the bear far more cruelly
than we ever could have.
Revenge is sweet, sir.
July 29.
We reach the final settlement
before entering uncharted territory...
and God only knows what.
- There. It seems as if we've arrived.
- Wait. I can read it.
For the love of God, man!
It says, "Welcome to Snakes Bend. "
Oh, God, yeah.
Onward, men.
Snakes Bend. Almost had it.
I got it.
Yes, it's a tavern.
I think it would be a nice gesture
if I bought the men a few tankards of ale.
A nice gesture indeed.
We both know how you get
when you drink.
Oh, yes, we do.
And that's why I think you should go
to the trading post for supplies now.
All right, men. Fun, fun.
- To Capt. Edwards.
- Capt. Edwards.
Excuse me. I had heard
there was a party of brave men here.
Lm here to tell you...
that Im not unfamiliar with the ways of
men who've been long in the wilderness.
I understand their cravings
for food and drink...
and also their cravings
for the companionship of young women.
- Women. He's got women!
- Where are they?
Wait for me outside.
I will take you to them.
Come on.
Gentlemen?
My woman pleasure me whenever I want.
Yes, I shall refrain, as well.
I made a solemn promise to someone.
Really?
Yes, I promised my doctor I wouldn't...
engage in that sort of thing.
- Got a drippy dong?
- No.
No more than normal.
It drips when it should...
and it doesn't when it shouldn't.
Will that be it?
Let's see. Beans, rope.
Is there a barber in town?
- Lm a barber, sir.
- Fine.
Lll have a haircut and a shave.
By the way...
you smell like something
that's been passed...
through the system of a sick old woman.
Well, maybe Ill have a bath, too, then.
Good idea.
This way, gentlemen. Don't be shy.
Come in and meet the ladies.
Did I not tell you they were beautiful?
Don't you have any real women?
These women may be whores,
but they have their dignity.
Now, who would like to be
the first to introduce himself?
Hello, my dear.
My name is Hieronymus Pratt.
Might you have relatives
in Richmond, Virginia?
Some of them flies were there
before I got in.
- I just saw Hidalgo.
- Hidalgo? With all his men?
No, just half a dozen.
But they're headed this way!
Double my wages
for anyone who will take my shift.
I have heard of this Hidalgo.
A Spaniard who wander the Northwest.
Even crazy people think he's...
Did you say something?
No, I...
You said something about my hair.
- No.
- Why not?
You don't like my hair?
- Yes, it's nice.
- "Nice"?
My hair is magnificent.
Its long and soft...
and shines with the light
that comes from within. Can't you see it?
- Yes, it's beautiful.
- Beautiful, yes.
That's all I have to say.
Sorry if I frightened you.
Good God!
Good.
- You do good work.
- Thank you, sir.
I strive for excellence
in all my various trades.
Tell me, among those trades,
you wouldn't happen to practice...
Taxidermy?
No, I was going to say dentistry.
Lm primarily a taxidermist.
However, I have practiced dentistry
on the animals Ive preserved.
And of course, over there.
Good.
'Cause I have got a molar
that's been bothering me since St. Louis.
I can oblige, sir.
He said, "I know.
It wasn't a horse, it was a donkey. "
Her hair is perfect.
Its beautiful.
Is this your woman?
She belong to me.
- And who are you?
- Guy Fontenot.
You may call me Hidalgo.
Hidalgo.
I wander the Northwest Territory
searching for a fabulous place.
A place where the earth trembles
and speaks...
and a white cross marks the location
of an age-old secret.
And what is the secret?
You try to trick me
with your deceiving questions.
But you will learn nothing,
not unless you join us.
Come on. You are perfect.
If you join us...
everything that belongs to you
belongs to me, too.
And if I don't?
Then we tear out your heart,
cut off your limbs and skin you alive.
- Lll join.
- Good. Lm delighted.
- Now this should dull your senses.
- All right.
What are you doing?
What, are you trying to kill me?
Put it down.
Put the thing down and pull my tooth.
God Almighty.
All right. Say "ah. "
- In the back.
- All right.
That guy's in there.
- Come on, let's go.
- Don't take her.
Take me instead.
Put your hands on your hips.
No. Like this.
And here Ive avoided the dentist for years
because I thought it'd hurt.
Look at that.
No. I think Ill still keep the woman.
Come on, let's go.
You can't take a woman against her will.
Of course, maybe it's time for her
to spread her wings and fly.
Well, well.
What have we got here?
Hey, sonny boy.
Your mother wants her roasting pan back
when you're done playing with it.
I challenge you and the rest
of your ladies in armor to a duel.
- All of us?
- Every poofy prancing one of you.
We are more than equal to a duel, senor.
Especially since you won't live
past the first contest.
What weapons do you choose?
Pistols, swords, or bare fists?
Drink.
Drink?
Time's up.
Sorry.
I swear that's never happened
to me before.
Well done, Mr. Hunt.
Lm deeply impressed and grateful.
Maybe now you'll agree...
drinking has its benefits.
You saved my life.
Maybe now you'll agree...
drinking has its benefits.
You just said that.
Now, if you don't mind...
it's time for the liquor to take effect.
Fire!
My furniture. My draperies. My women!
Pratt's still in there!
Its all my fault, Captain.
She said she didn't mind if I smoked.
I believed her.
Let's retrieve Hunt from the tavern
and get back to the boat.
I think we've seen all
that Snakes Bend has to offer.
My heart.
Permission to check
on the condition of my woman, sir.
I want to check on her bandages
and see if she can keep some food down.
You realize, of course,
this woman of yours...
is made of straw?
Yes, sir.
I figure that's why she burned so easy.
Damn.
Who is it?
Good evening. I was just collecting
samples of bark for President Jefferson.
Some bark. I was collecting it.
Samples of bark.
You're not like these other men.
You're softer, more delicate.
In a rather rough way, right?
Not at all. Look at you.
Thin wrists...
skin like a baby...
almost a total absence of shoulders.
All right,
I think you've flattered me quite enough.
Look at me.
Lm behaving like some kind of animal.
I liked it.
No, no. This can never be.
Lm betrothed to another.
Besides, we come from different worlds.
You are primitive,
and you follow your baser instincts...
and I come from a culture
that values Christian morality.
Maybe one more couldn't hurt.
What? What did I say?
Shaquinna.
I don't see how it's possible...
for the river to flow up and over
those mountains to the western sea.
The river can't flow up and over anything.
So, I guess our journey's over.
No, never. We're pushing on.
We'll scale the Rocky Mountains
within the month...
and then build canoes...
and float down the western slope
before the first frost.
October 29.
What I had hoped was an early dusting
turned out to be somewhat more.
Our journey is half finished,
but our food supply is nearly depleted.
The only man
who seems to be thriving is Pratt...
who is eating what remains
of his straw woman.
As for me, I seem to have come down
with a slight chill.
What?
- What do you think you're doing?
- Last rites.
No, there will be none of that.
Please do not try to bury me
before I am dead.
Go away.
Mama.
I can make medicine that will cure him.
But I will need the egg of an eagle,
or he will die.
The egg of an eagle.
- That's all?
- That is all.
You know...
the last creatures we saw
were way down below the snowline.
You're a very brave man
to do this for your friend.
Ain't nothing more than me doing my job.
Better be going.
Oh, God!
We need the egg of an eagle,
or he will die.
He will die.
Oh, dear God.
President Jefferson, I implore you.
If we do not give bears the right to vote
they will rise up...
and bears will be in Congress.
And we will be the ones performing
in carnivals wearing little hats.
President Jefferson, a few months ago
I saw a naked Indian woman.
When I saw the naked Indian woman,
I had certain impure thoughts.
Something in me has changed
out here in the wilds.
You must rest.
I saw a naked Indian woman.
No!
Okay.
Where are you?
Protect your little birdies.
Okay.
Come on, you damn bird!
Come and get me!
I got it.
You broke it.
All I needed was the shell. Thank you.
The medicine is working.
Can I lick the bowl?
- Shaquinna.
- Yes.
Your fever has broken.
Thank you for standing by me.
The person you should really thank
is Mr. Hunt.
He risked his life
to bring back an eagle egg.
I could've just brought back the shell,
but nobody bothered to tell me that.
Thank you, Mr. Hunt.
Now we'll build canoes
and be on to the Pacific by the first thaw.
I cannot begin to express my...
feelings.
Don't be talking about no feelings.
I don't want to have to punch you.
- Well, just the same...
- Im serious.
Good God.
- What rare luck is this?
- What?
Lewis and Clark,
and the damn fools are portaging.
They're portaging because they think
the river is too dangerous up ahead.
- I think we should do the same.
- I see no reason for concern.
Sir, there's an old saying,
"White water in the morning. "
- Yes?
- That's it.
Mr. Hunt, this is our chance
to overtake Lewis and Clark.
Sure, we may overtake them...
but it ain't worth
risking the lives of the men.
I assure you all will be fine.
I hope to God you're right.
Don't worry, men.
According to my calculations, we have
less than a hundred yards of rapids ahead.
My hat's off to you, sir. We made it.
Men, we have overtaken Lewis and Clark.
Gather up the pieces of the boat...
- and what's left of our supplies.
- No.
I beg your pardon?
You almost got us killed
just so you could be famous.
Well, I ain't taking no more.
Lm quitting this expedition.
- What of our partnership?
- Partnership?
You didn't care nothing about
our partnership back there on the river.
Well, I don't care nothing about it now.
Who's coming with me?
To hell with both of you.
Lve spent my entire life
trying to see the Pacific...
and Im going by myself.
Who's going with me?
Jonah, where do your loyalties lie?
Lm your slave. Who do you think Im with?
- Thank you, Jonah.
- Lm going with Mr. Hunt.
We're close. Only a few hundred miles.
We will be the first.
Trust me, the worst is over.
The worst will never be over.
Not with this precious dandy in charge.
If you want to live, come with me.
Use your minds, men.
Think for yourselves.
Or would you rather have Mr. Hunt
do your thinking for you?
My heavenly Father
does my thinking for me...
and he thinks I'd be a damn fool
not to go with Hunt.
No, Father. Wait.
It is better to think for yourself.
And I think
we should continue to the Pacific.
Stout fellow, Bidwell.
How can you say that, man?
You've had it worse than all of us.
Been mauled by a bear,
your ear bit off by a Frenchman.
True enough, sir.
I have had my share of bad luck.
But I cannot abandon Mr. Edwards now.
For he alone has dared to dream...
and now we are so very close...
that I believe him when he says
the worst is over.
When I said the worst was over,
perhaps I spoke too soon.
But now, surely...
Bidwell, get down!
Lm sorry, I was aiming for your head!
You wait there!
We'll be down in a moment
to capture you!
I want them in their underthings
when they die.
That makes it much worse,
don't you think?
Prepare the gauntlet.
- What?
- The gauntlet.
Lve decided these two men will die
running the gauntlet.
- The...
- The gauntlet!
All right. Calm yourself.
You don't think I know
where there's a gambit?
- Gumblit?
- Sanchez.
Gauntlet.
You and the Frenchman
prepare the gauntlet.
Lm sorry we must cut short our fun,
my little kitten.
If you so much as lay a hand on me,
I will kill you.
Take her away.
Punch him.
This is what it's all about.
Burn your feet, you cowards.
Wait.
Look at the poofy one.
Whose idea was the corn?
And now they're getting away.
Hector, Ferdinand, after them!
Go after them.
Over there.
Hurry, they're almost here.
- Oh, God.
- Come on.
- Come on.
- Forget about me.
- You can do it.
- Save yourself.
Lll never forget this, Bartholomew.
And now we kill you, senor,
and take your head back to Hidalgo.
But we do have one tiny favor
to ask of you.
Yes. You see, so often,
when we bring a head back to Hidalgo...
it has a grim sort of look of terror on it.
It would really put us in good with Hidalgo
if you could smile as we kill you.
Go to hell.
No. Did you see how ugly your face was
when you said that?
- Say "puppy. "
- Yes. Say "puppy. "
You see, one cannot help but smile
when they say the word puppy.
Say "puppy. "
Die, you Spanish bastards!
Puppy, you sons of bitches.
You know,
what you did back there for me...
was real nice of you.
- Its fine. Don't...
- You don't understand.
Its just that no one's ever done
nothing like that for me before.
And...
Thank you, that's all.
Just thank you.
Especially someone like you...
who could've got himself killed so easy.
I think he's asleep.
I think he's dead.
Lm sorry I scared you.
I was just resting my eyes.
We need help.
I will help. I am a proud warrior.
- Wait, at least let us explain the situation.
- There's no time for that.
Look, our men are being held captive
by at least 20 conquistadors.
Are there others in your tribe
that can help us?
Perhaps men a bit younger than yourself?
Yes.
I am going to cut this woman's hair off.
Anybody want to guess why?
- To entertain us?
- No.
- Because she asked you to?
- No.
I know!
Because her hair is more beautiful
than yours, and you're jealous.
No.
I am going to cut her hair off
because it's not as beautiful as mine.
Because, even if she won't admit it,
she's thinking:
"Why should I even bother to have hair
when he's got hair like that. "
- You understand?
- No, not really.
I don't get it.
Who cares?
Lm going to skin you all alive anyway.
- Prepare her.
- Prepare her.
You indicated that the braves you had
summoned were younger than you?
They are.
Running Puma is two years younger.
Strong Like Mountain is...
- Four.
- Four years younger.
We appreciate you showing up and all,
but...
we're going to probably just do this alone.
At the moment of battle...
our spirits will soar
and give us the strength...
to fight.
This is the way we must travel.
This way,
we save our strength for the battle.
- Stop.
- What now?
Running Puma has to go back
behind tree again.
Lm sorry.
All right, look. This is the last time.
Anyone else has to go, do it now.
I ain't stopping again.
I don't see
how these Indians are going to help us.
Perhaps we need not rely on them to fight.
Perhaps I can bluff Hidalgo using my wits.
This is getting much too difficult.
We can finish brushing her hair
after she's dead.
Stop right there, senor.
This has gone too far.
You must release Shaquinna.
Such arrogance!
You are surrounded by an army of
Indian braves, who, on my command...
will descend upon you with all the fury
of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Hell, we got more than four.
And they got names like Soaring Eagle,
Strong Like Mountain...
and others, too.
Well, where are these braves?
Show them to me.
Show them to me, too.
I am one of these braves.
And I am one of these braves.
I am one of these braves.
That's quite an army!
Why should we fight?
Maybe if we wait a couple of hours
they'll die of old age.
And you thought I couldn't escape you?
You...
Here's an idea.
You take off running into the woods...
and I try to count to three
before I put another hole...
in your hairy French ass!
"Hairy French ass. " You had me going.
"And Ill put a big hole
in your hairy French ass. " Man, you...
Hey, senor! Look what I have.
Your woman!
- Lll take care of this.
- No.
You've done enough, Bartholomew!
- Leslie!
- Come on!
Its time for me to fight my own battles.
Hidalgo is mine.
Sir, you are a coward.
You seized a woman and ran.
And now Im going to teach you a lesson.
Either you're brave or you're stupid.
Perhaps there's not much difference
between the two.
You're a smart man.
After I kill you, Ill have to look
at your brain to see if it's different...
from, you know,
other brains I might have seen.
Good God!
Hello, baldy!
You shut up!
Now you've seen me as I truly am, senor.
Lm just a bald, fat man...
begging for your mercy.
Edwards, we've just seen Lewis and Clark.
They're a mile away,
and they're headed for the ocean.
My God! Well, come on, then.
We can still beat them!
Hey, senor!
This business with my wig,
it's just between you and me.
Oh, my God!
We did it.
Not yet, we haven't.
They're going to get to the ocean
before us.
The only way to beat them
is straight down that rock face.
Well, then, as leader of this expedition...
I should be the one that climbs down.
Leslie.
You ain't going down there.
You'll be killed. I should go.
Nonsense.
Then this is for your own damn good.
How was that for my own damn good?
Sorry. The punch was supposed
to knock you out.
Let's see here. This here ought to do it.
What the hell are you doing? Go!
He's going to go.
Pratt.
Give me the flag.
Good luck.
Oh, God!
Oh, no.
Oh, God! No!
Oh, God!
Oh, God! No!
Please, bird, don't hurt me.
You put me on the ground,
you damn, dirty bird!
Oh, my God!
Hunt! You did it!
We all did it!
Wait. How did you get down here?
We found an Indian trail.
It was very nice.
Yes, they even carved little steps.
Shame we didn't take another minute
or two to look around up there.
Leslie, look!
You're too late!
We beat you!
Yeah! Go home, losers!
Men, we're the first
to conquer this great continent.
- Time to head home.
- Yeah.
But why does it have to end here?
- What are you talking about?
- Lm talking about exploring!
Look here, men.
We've beaten this continent.
What say we try another?
We could travel north to the Bering Strait,
a bridge of land and ice that leads to Asia.
We could walk there.
Walk to Asia.
I like it.
And why stop there?
We could go on to Europe.
Edwards and Hunt,
the first Americans to walk to Europe.
The food alone is worth the trip.
The food, sir.
This time, next Christmas,
we'll be sipping champagne in Paris!
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