It's not a matter of that.
I've been trying...
to get through all day,
but the circuits are busy.
I'll try to call you
before the end of the day.
Right. Sure. Bye.
Hi. I'm picking up two tickets for me
and my husband.
Boyer.
They're paid for.
Uh, let me check.
Your wife on line two.
Hi. How are you?
I'm here with the travel agent.
You never sent the check?
I must have sent it. I sent it.
How could I not have sent the check?
Did you
or didn't you?
Well, I thought I sent it.
What is it with you lately?
I don't get it.
What's the big deal?
I thought I sent it. I'm sorry. I forgot.
I'm not going
to let you sabotage this.
- That is the idea, isn't it?
- No, not at all. I...
I really look forward to spending two weeks
in California with your family.
I'm sorry.
That didn't come out right.
Oh, come on, sweetie.
It'll be great.
We need to relax together.
We'll lie in the sun, go swimming.
You wanna go, don't you? If you don't
want to go, you don't have to.
- I don't? - I can't believe you
are telling me this now!
- Great timing!
- You're really being unreasonable.
What? I am being
unreasonable?
You wanna see
unreasonable?
Your wife on two.
Why are you telling me this now,
the day before we're going?
All I'm saying is...
You want to go. I don't.
I'll just ruin it for you. You'll be
with your friends and family anyway.
Wait a second. Is this boys' code for
the moment you tell me you wanna get a...
Absolutely not.
No. Wrong.
You wanna see
other people?
- That's not it at all.
- Well, what? It's gotta be something.
I just need some... time...
That does it! You are gonna go because
you promised me that you would go.
So pack your bag. The only reason
we wouldn't go now is if I don't wanna go.
And I wanna go!
I need a vacation!
I need some time too!
See you tonight.
Good evening and welcome.
I bet you're thinking this is not
a very good evening for viewing the stars.
But you're wrong. I'm sure
with a little confidence...
it's going to clear up very soon.
What I'd like to show you is what
you would be seeing if it were clear.
Which it isn't. But if it were,
you'd see winter stars.
Now, the winter stars are the best
display of stars the entire year round.
And just to the south there...
you see the south?
There are three stars in a row,
and that's Orion.
That's the belt
in Orion.
And then there's the star there
that's Betelgeuse.
- Hi.
- Hi.
And then you have Rigel,
which shows you...
It's not very clear.
You think we're gonna
be able to see anything?
I don't think so.
Inside of that entire complex,
there's a thing called the nebula.
Now, the nebula is a very arresting
and interesting thing.
And I'll tell you more about that later.
Great.
Hey, now it's raining.
Well, this is ridiculous.
I'm going.
Uh... Would you like to have a drink?
My name's Susan.
- Alex.
- Hi.
Sure.
Okay.
Okay what?
Ah, shit.
- What was that?
- Uh...
Nothin'.
I dropped something.
- What am I looking for?
- It's a... ring.
- Well, what does it look like?
- It's round...
gold.
It's a...
It's a, um...
Oh, I found it!
It's a wedding ring.
- Yeah.
- You're married.
- Not exactly.
- Separated?
- Divorced?
- In a way.
- In a way?
- Well, I didn't want to tell you this...
but my wife, uh...
You see, she had
an accident. And, uh, she's...
Oh. Oh, God,
Alex, I'm sorry.
Oh, God, it must have
been awful for you.
She's not dead.
- She's not?
- No.
- Well, where is she?
- She's in the hospital.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, it's nothing serious.
She dislocated her hip.
She'll be back in a few days.
Uh, what I was thinking of is,
maybe we should, uh...
I'm...
I'm sorry. I...
Are you all right? I...
I can't believe
I did that.
- Oh!
- I'm home!
What are you doing here?
I live here. Remember?
I know that.
I know. I know.
But, I mean,
your hip and your back...
Aren't you supposed
to still be in the hospital?
Nah, I decided
to blow that pop stand.
Well, you could have
told me that yesterday.
- Is that yours?
- Uh-huh.
- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.
There was nothing I was doing
at the hospital at this point...
that I couldn't do at home,
so I figured...
What about your physical therapy
and all that?
They're sending
a nurse, okay?
Let's start this
over again.
Nicer, with feeling.
Okay. Now here's
how it goes.
I say,
"Hi, honey. I'm home. "
And you say, "Gosh,
it's good to see you!
I missed you!"
And I say, "I've been
in traction for three weeks...
and I am horny. "
- And you say...
- Great.
See, I always liked gimpy girls.
But I was really hoping
for an amputee.
- Ow!
- What?
I'm sorry.
It's my left leg.
It's okay. Let's try it again. Wait.
- Ow!
- Hey! All right.
When's this nurse coming?
I think we need her.
Don't remind me.
- Straight ahead.
- Thank you.
Mrs. Boyer?
Hello?
Mrs. Boyer?
Mrs. Boyer?
Hi, Mrs. Boyer. I'm Lisa Willoughby
from the Lazenby Agency.
The doorman said
I could let myself in.
My name's Erica.
God, you're so pretty.
Th-Thank you.
No, I mean...
All the nurses at the hospital
were old battle-axes.
How old are you?
Twenty-six.
I need to ask you some questions
before we start.
Right down to business, huh?
- I noticed all your pictures
when I came in. - Mm.
That's my husband
Alex's parents.
They're both dead.
They died in a car crash when he was a kid.
That's terrible.
And that's Alex
when he was little.
I guess he's about seven.
- It's the same apartment.
- Uh-huh. He grew up here.
And then he inherited it.
That's why I call it
the nursery.
What do you do?
Do you have a job?
I'm a freelance illustrator.
I did that.
That's great.
God, look.
His hair's so much longer.
Amazing. Much cuter.
What does your husband do?
He works
in the family business.
His uncles run it now.
That's us in Greece
on our honeymoon.
- Morning.
- Uh, Mr. Boyer!
Mr. Boyer...
Hey, Alex! Yeah, Alex!
- English, Ralphie. Speak English.
- That is English!
Hey, you two...
remember, this is America,
goddamn it.
English! Ralphie,
come into my office.
What trouble?
You said trouble?
Yeah.
You got troubles.
You got lunch
with your uncles upstairs today.
Now, your Uncle Stuart told me
to tell you to be up there.
Now, you gotta be...
You know that's serious.
What's their problem?
We do all the work down here.
We do it our own way, but we do it.
- Anything from O.T. B?
- Yeah. You got any ideas?
- Well, let me see.
- Hey, you know what?
It could be that Bresnig account.
Remember, you wrote that P.O. On that.
Oh, I straightened that out. So what?
What are they gonna do, fire me?
It's my own family.
Mmm.
- You finished with this?
- Uh...
Mmm. Good.
All right?
Nothing else?
Okay.
All right.
That's better.
Now, down to business.
Alex, you happy downstairs?
That's important because...
if a man isn't happy in his work,
he can't do a man's work.
- Are ya?
- A man?
No.
Happy down there.
Yeah. Sure.
How's Erica?
When is she coming home?
Actually, she got back
last night.
So, does she limp or what?
She has a therapist.
She limps.
I knew it!
- Mel.
- All right.
Alex, we've thought
hard about this.
Oh, look, I can explain
about that Bresnig thing. I...
- Shhh!
- Sit.
Sit. Sit. Sit!
As I was saying, we've thought hard
and long about this.
- Right. We think it's the best thing.
- Yep.
You've done a wonderful job. You've
learned the ropes down there on the floor.
But we think
the time has come...
- for you tojoin us up here.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
- Vice president.
From now on,
you'll be working right up here with us.
Right here where we
can keep an eye on you.
That is very kind of you...
but... I'm very happy
where I am downstairs.
And they need me down there.
They really do.
I... I just think
it's too early.
I wouldn't be able
to appreciate it.
I... I'm not ready.
I... I... I couldn't possibly...
Alex, you are ready.
Trust me. I can tell.
- You're far too modest.
- We ordered a desk for you this morning.
- Oak.
- Yeah.
What... What will
I have to do?
- Everything.
- Oh.
Your father
would be very proud.
I really don't
wanna do it.
If you'll just let me show you,
you'll see that this one is not so bad.
Why don't you leave me alone?
Can't you see I'm just a poor cripple?
Oh, Erica,
stop exaggerating.
You're fine. Calling yourself a cripple
is just a defense mechanism.
I was just kidding.
Lie down.
Ow! Wait!
Of course you're afraid.
It's perfectly normal.
Injuries like yours
can be very traumatic.
That's very deep.
Do you charge extra for the analysis,
or is part of the package?
Knees up.
Okay, now, first, we're going
to go slowly to your left.
- Ow.
- And back.
- Now to your right.
- Ow. Ow!
- That didn't hurt.
- It didn't?
- What is going on here?
- Alex!
Alex, I'd like you to meet
the grand inquisitor.
Lisa, this is
my husband, Alex.
- Hello. - You know, this might
sound really stupid...
but haven't I seen you
somewhere before?
God, Alex.
What an inventive opener.
I'm serious.
She looks familiar.
I think I've seen you
at Reedy's.
- Maybe that's it.
- Reedy's?
Wait a minute. You told me Reedy's
was a gay bar. No women allowed.
I lied.
Well, don't be fooled by her face.
She's vicious.
I think that's enough for today.
Would you be happier
with someone else?
Why? Alex and I are very happy together.
That's not what I meant.
What I meant was, would you
prefer another nurse?
Maybe someone older or something?
I'm not sure I can help.
Oh, no, no, no. No, please.
Come back tomorrow.
Really.
I was just kidding around.
I'm always like this.
I'll knuckle under.
Please?
- Okay.
- Great.
- Let me get your coat.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
I knew you looked familiar.
Do you go there a lot?
Not so much anymore.
It's not that
I'm so happy downstairs...
but it's going to be so much worse
with them upstairs.
I don't understand.
I thought you'd reconciled
yourself to the place.
Well, you're not eating it.
I just want you to know that if they find
my body somewhere...
and there's a suicide note with all sorts
of stuff about Chinese food...
you should know that it had nothing
to do necessarily with you.
I just want you to know now
so that later, when you've remarried...
you can sleep easier
knowing that this incident...
was just one
in a whole series of indignities...
that I... I associate,
rightly or wrongly...
with Oriental cuisine.
Are you all right?
Alex, come on.
It is not
the end of the world.
Give yourself a break. You're the boss now.
Maybe you'll like it.
If I start to like it...
you have my permission to shoot me
with the family Luger.
I think
you're overreacting.
Overreacting?
In my wildest dreams, I...
- I'm going out.
- Alex!
Alex, wait a minute!
You know, let's face it.
Since I have been
back from the hospital...
Oh, never mind.
Just go out.
What do you say
we go out later and have a drink?
Reedy's maybe?
We can talk.
I can't. We're dress-rehearsing.
I told you.
Again?
All night?
Yes, at night.
I explained all that.
Yeah, well,
I'm going out anyway.
Hey, don't get mad.
Get even.
How long have I
been coming here?
I don't know.
A couple of years.
And I wouldn't even
consider going to another bar.
You're a true-blue.
Hey.
- How are you?
- Hello!
How about that?
Well, pull up a chair.
- Can I have a 7 and 7, please?
- Sure.
- So you've survived Erica?
- Oh, sure.
A nurse.
That's what I need.
She tell you about the apartment?
How we call it the nursery?
Yeah, she told me.
You got a nice apartment.
So, you want to, uh,
see if they have any tables?
And then
what happens?
And then the sun breaks.
"Wakes,"Kevin.
Not "breaks. " "Wakes. "
I said "wakes" that time.
- He said "breaks," didn't he?
- He said "breaks. "
- There you go.
- Okay, look.
I'm just a little
preoccupied, all right?
Why don't you go to the next scene
without me? I'll be back in a few minutes.
This is supposed to be
a dress rehearsal.
A dress rehearsal? You don't even have
the goddamned costumes ready yet!
All right. Uh, why don't
you take a break?
And cool off!
I think you're, uh...
outrageously funny.
I do. There's just
something amusing about you.
This is it.
I don't see a candle burning
in the window.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Hey, yo! Whoa.
I want to talk to you.
- Speak to my secretary.
- Oh, you're a riot.
Look. I'm making
an effort here.
You could at least
give me credit for that.
Oh, you want a receipt?
Oh, "You want a receipt?" That's a good one.
Where are you picking up these classics?
Milton Berle
break his leg or something?
Oh, Lis!
Come on. What is it?
Lisa!
You know,
I just look at us.
Frankly, I don't see any future.
Oh, please. Are you saying that
because you don't see the future...
- or because you think I don't
really see it? - What?
I mean, is it you who
doesn't want any future...
or are you just worried that
I don't want what you want?
- You follow?
- Barely.
'Cause I see nothing
but future.
You're always saying
that's the problem, right...
- that I count too much on the future.
- You do.
Look. This isn't the time to sit around
pasting photos in the album.
This is the time when
I make a name for myself.
And you're supposed to
want that too.
- Not make things harder.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha.
What is it I want anyway
since you're the expert?
Do I really wanna keep house
with an unsuccessful actor...
for five more years?
In more civilized times, actors weren't
even allowed within the city limits.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Or they were buried at the crossroads
in unmarked graves or...
I don't remember.
Oh, you don't seem to
get the picture, do you?
I'm the only one who can
give you what you want.
How? When? Where?
- Sooner than you think.
- Oh, great.
You must think
I'm really some pushover.
You must think I'm pretty thick
if you think I'm gonna wait at home...
for you to make
People magazine.
Forget it. I tried.
And you didn't.
- Alex.
- Hi. Hi. Hi.
- How are you?
- You going to work?
- Yes, I am. I had a good time last night.
- Yeah. Me too.
Well, I better go inside.
Oh, yeah.
She's expecting you.
Bye.
Hello.
Mr. Boyer...
You're number six. Could you
fill this out and sit down, please?
Are you here for the job?
Yeah.
The job.
- What's going on?
- "What's going on"? Your replacement.
You gotta do the interviews.
You gotta pick somebody.
- That's impossible.
- Impossible?
They put it
in the papers, man.
- It's all in the paper. They put
an ad yesterday. - You do it.
Sorry, sir. Orders.
- John Andrews.
- That's right.
- Uh, the accounting division of
Carter and Havens? - Mm-hmm.
M.B.A. From Fordham.
Seller at Wintergreen.
What's that?
Oh, specialized grain sales.
Mostly to underdeveloped countries.
And what happened there?
They relocated.
I thought I'd give
banking a try, but...
Look. I'm afraid you just
wouldn't be happy here.
You're just way too overqualified
for a job like this.
That's not true.
I'm not. Not at all.
I'm sorry.
I'm not overqualified.
I swear.
I don't know anything
about... fabrics or sportswear.
Nothing. Go ahead. I swear.
Ask me a question. Ask me something.
Anything.
I won't know the answer.
I don't know a thing. Really.
I'm sorry. I...
I wish I could
believe that.
Thank you.
- I am sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- It's a nice suit at least.
- No.
Listen, will you
hurry up with this, huh?
We got something for you
to start with right away.
Upstairs. It's a big government deal.
Just like the old days.
And you can have it
from start to finish...
- if you just move your buns.
- Not flags again?
What flags? Better.
Uniforms, huh?
No problems with color mix-ups.
So move it, eh?
Okay. Next.
Kevin Danzig.
You've worked
mainly as... an actor.
First actor all morning.
Frustrated by the irregular hours
I suppose.
No.
Look, you wanna
have a seat?
Oh.
So you take sugar
in this?
No, I don't.
It's cold.
Getting back to business...
- Did you go to college?
- Didn't.
So you don't have
a business degree?
No, sir. I don't.
Any experience at all
in the fashion world?
Oh, wait. Oh, uh...
What was that?
No.
So, what is it?
Just wild about textiles?
Wanted to give it a shot
before it's too late?
- Excuse me?
- Why do you want this job?
Well, I was wondering...
Why don't you tell me
what you do here...
and then I'll tell you
if I wanna do it.
You're kidding me, right?
You're researching
a role or something, right?
- Like Robert De Niro?
- What?
No, no. That's great.
Are you gonna play a guy like me?
You really think somebody's gonna make
a movie about a place like this?
Well, maybe.
I mean, there could be.
It needs something,
I admit.
Three.
Four.
I wanted to be a nurse once.
- Five.
- I used to take my dolls...
and bash their heads against the wall
or throw them out the window.
- Six.
- Then I'd rush to them and comfort them...
and nurse them
back to health.
- Seven.
- Being a real nurse is easier, I expect...
since you only have to
take care of people.
- Eight.
- They can hurt themselves on their own.
I never thought of it
that way.
Nine.
My nursing period
didn't last very long.
No, no, no, no. I'd love to come.
I really would.
- When is it?
- Okay, wait, wait, wait. It's, uh...
Okay, tomorrow night at
the Theater for the New City.
- Got this?
- Uh-huh.
- Second Avenue.
- Second...
And it's called
Yo, Keats.
Yo, Keats.
Great. I'll come.
God, that's great.
You know, I think I always
wanted to be an actor myself actually.
- Or a hockey player.
- Hey, what's happening, man?
You got 10 people
out there, man...
stinking up
the goddamn reception room.
Would you do
something about it?
So, Alex...
What do you work in a place
like this for anyway?
Hey, women's clothing
is my life, okay?
What a life.
- Hey, you know what I say?
- What?
- "Work just doesn't work for me. "
- I like that.
- Real nice meeting you.
- It was great.
- We should have a drink sometime.
- When?
I sit here.
We'll put Maggie here.
David, where you are.
And Alex at the head
and you over there.
- You sure you want me to stay?
- Yes.
I have to prove to you
I'm not an ogre.
Hi. I got everything.
Oh, Isabel called.
She and Mark can't come.
- So we'll only be four.
- Five.
- Oh.
- Six.
- I invited somebody from work.
- Oh.
Six.
I enjoyed last night.
- It was fun.
- Me too.
I'm gonna go help.
- Hello.
- Hiya, Alex. How you doing?
Oh, you dressed for us.
We appreciate it.
- Nice to see you.
- Yeah, you too. Both of you.
- My hat.
- Erica!
- Bottle.
- Oh, how nice!
Oh!
Oh.
Thank you.
- You look great.
- Ugh!
No, I mean it.
You're home!
What's with
the chair?
It helps me get around.
Hi, David.
Erica! Hi! How are you?
Comfortable?
Oh, Lisa... nurse.
This is Maggie and David.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, Lisa Nurse.
- Hello.
- So how about a drink?
- Oh, yeah.
All right.
But... But that
sounds great.
No, it's not great.
It's terrible.
They're priming me to
take over the entire company...
so that they can retire
and go to Florida.
So? It's a family business.
- You don't understand this at all.
- Oh, come on.
Hey, relax. Look.
I got you something here.
Here it is.
This isn't it.
- Yep. Here we go.
- Oh, God!
- No, just listen to this. - Not your
cancer checklist again. You're sick.
"Does the slightest criticism send you
into a deep depression?"
- Yes.
- Yes, okay. Five points.
Narcissistic disorders.
"Is anything less than everything
a disappointment?"
- Yes.
- Yes. Okay. 10 points.
- This is very accurate.
- You're very sick.
Not according
to this. Okay.
So, when are you gonna
go back to work?
- I may have something for you.
- I kinda feel like taking it easy.
Come on.
You can work at home.
I don't know.
- What's up?
- Nothing.
God, what is all this
talk about work?
Work, work,
work, work, work.
I mean,
I was almost killed.
Okay.
You know?
Anyway, what is this news,
this surprise you have?
Are you sure
you're well enough?
We're getting married.
Boom, that's it.
I mean,
it's no big deal.
I mean, we're already an institution.
You're getting married?
- It's no big deal.
- Aaah!
They're getting married!
You're getting married?
It's no big thing.
We're already on our second dog.
Alex, did you hear?
They're getting married.
Yeah.
- Yeah. Congratulations.
- Thanks.
- Kevin!
- Alex, how you doing?
- This is Jeannie. We're in a show together.
- Hi.
- Hope you don't mind. - Not as long as
you have separate dressing rooms.
No, no, no. I mean,
that I brought her along.
No, no, no. We got
an extra seat and everything.
This is Kevin.
He's a friend of mine from work.
This is Jeannie.
This is my wife, Erica.
Car accident.
Nothing serious.
- How you do?
- Hi.
This is David.
This is Maggie and Lisa.
Lisa's a nurse.
She's taking care of Erica.
She's shy.
- Married.
- Yeah.
Ah. Sly and the Family Stone.
Oh, I love it.
I love all that '60s stuff.
A nostalgia buff, eh?
You know, Erica,
that husband of yours is really a great guy.
He shouldn't have to work
in a crummy job like that.
Oh, yeah?
What do you do?
Well, I'm an actor.
- Really? What restaurant?
- Ha.
- You going to have kids?
- Sure.
Why not? I think
I'd be good at having kids.
- Yeah.
- Well, not good at it.
I mean,
rabbits are good at it.
I actually have a show
opening tomorrow night.
Oh, shouldn't you
be rehearsing?
No.
Anyway, Alex needs
that crummyjob ofhis.
I don't know why everyone and his uncle
wants to be something they're not.
Like an actor.
But they do.
Mm.
I'm gonna get
another drink.
Oh, no.
What the hell
are you doing here?
I don't believe it!
And that bimbo!
Hey, Jeannie happens to be
one of the more incredible actresses.
Just say you
have to go, and go.
Tell 'em you're sick.
Just leave.
Why? So you can be with,
uh, good ol' Alex?
What? He's married.
Well, she's crippled.
No, no, no.
I get it. It's her idea.
"Look, you send me the pictures.
It's okay with me. "
- You are sick.
- Don't insult the guest.
I'm his pal.
You... just work here.
All our friends
are getting married.
It's depressing.
Thanks.
You think
you're so smart.
I think it's ready.
Hold on for one second.
Excuse me.
I'd like to make a toast.
A toast to
David and Margaret...
who will be tying
the knot shortly.
Congratulations!
All I can say is, David,
you finally caught her.
He didn't
catch me at all.
I remember when
I first met this guy.
He wouldn't even
talk to me.
Oh, he doesn't seem
like the shy type.
Oh, he wasn't shy.
Hejust didn't like me.
He had his eye on some girl
you were with, Alex.
I think
she was foreign.
- She was Italian.
- And beautiful.
Well, if you like women.
Anyway...
he didn't
even notice me.
I had to strip right there
to get his attention.
Oh, God. None of this is true.
Not a word.
I slept with you three times
before you got my name right.
You surprise me.
I doted on you. I...
I followed you around
like a dog. I...
I seduced you.
- How?
- Oh, it was simple.
I saw you at that party.
Alex pointed you out.
- You were slutting around.
You were dancing with everyone.
- You were wearing a brown top as usual...
- That might be true.
And a brown skirt...
what a surprise... and no bra.
And...
I walked and said, um...
"Excuse me. I've been watching you dance
for a half hour now and...
I'm exhausted. Would you mind sitting
this one out with me?"
God.
- A perfect line.
- Well, it worked.
You fell for it.
Oh, you want
the truth? Fine.
We were both stoned
out of our minds.
We had both just...
Been dumped by
the loves of our lives.
And, I repeat,
gentlemen of the jury...
he did not learn my name
for quite a while.
Bullshit.
"Maggie," right?
"Maggie"?
I rest my case.
Whoever's right, that's the most
pathetic story I've heard so far.
Essentially, what started off
as your basic sleazoid campus pickup...
finally, you're, after...
How long has it been now?
Twenty-five years?
You are ready
to institutionalize it.
I have got to drink
another toast.
To...
declining standards,
what?
- Mm. Mm.
- Oh, honey.
Well, all seductions are sordid
if you wanna look at it like that.
But I think real seduction
is a lost art.
Any idiot can have
a real long-term relationship.
All you gotta do
is smile a lot.
- Right. But real seduction...
- Oh, yes. Tell us about it.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll demonstrate.
Uh, any lady volunteers
from the audience?
- How about you?
- All right.
Okay.
I approach you
in a crowded bar.
I strike up a conversation.
I get you to talk about yourself,
and I listen.
But I don't
sympathize too much...
because then, not only do I
not go to bed with you...
I'm suddenly
your best girlfriend.
If they like you too much,
you're dead.
- Precisely.
- Ah.
I agree 100%.
Proceed.
So, what do I do,
besides not like you too much?
Throw a drink in his face.
So I take you to
some nice restaurant, expensive.
Kevin can be the waiter!
So, uh,
what happens next?
Well, now you wonder
what I'm really like...
because underneath
this cool exterior...
you just know
I'm different.
You're curious...
but you continue
to talk about yourself.
So why am I telling him
these things?
Hm. So I change the subject.
I ask about you.
Um, where were you born?
Or... what do you do?
Well, now I really
do become shy.
I act as if every question
you ask is incredibly intimate...
as if I've never
been asked before.
Ask him about his pants.
Oh, where did you get
these striking pants?
Oh, these. Oh.
I... I... I know
they're very silly.
I have another pair
at home much nicer than this...
but I spilled
something on them and...
- I know. They're really awful.
- No, they're not.
Aha! He gets
the first compliment.
So now I feel... without sounding
too much like a come-on...
I can tell you how beautiful
I really think you are.
And though
I just shrug...
secretly I'm thrilled.
You're easy.
But, Alex, what are you gonna do
if the girl is over 13 years old?
You don't get it,
do you?
You make them think
it's all their idea.
That they made me
feel this way.
Then you can
flirt like crazy.
He's cute.
Not macho, but still...
I don't think he's gonna
go all sensitive and weepy on me.
I tell a few more
cheap jokes. She laughs.
Ha, ha, ha!
And then,
when the time is right...
I might say...
"I'm gay. "
If you're
not going home, uh...
I thought that
maybe we could, uh...
Well, uh...
Yes.
That's beautiful, hmm?
I don't know. I don't think
you're telling the whole story.
I think you're
leaving out parts...
especially that part
about the pants.
That's not a seduction.
Picking somebody up
in a bar is nothing!
First of all, you can't pick them up
unless they wanna be.
What are they doing
in the bar in the first place?
Lubrication.
- What?
- Lubrication.
You ain't gonna get
what ain't wet.
He's got a point.
Wet? You can't get what?
Look, look. You two are married.
You guys are getting married.
I'm the only guy at the table
doing any seducing...
and I'm saying
you're all wrong.
You are really wrong. I have to appeal to
the 13-year-old girl in you...
because at your age, you've gotta be
tired of the same old, same old.
At least I hope you are.
And, Alex...
forget it.
I mean,
with the wine, the roses...
you spill something
on your pants?
I mean, with that,
you might get what you want...
but you're never gonna
figure out what they want.
Jeannie, remember that time
I met you in the park?
I thought you were
someone else.
Yeah, I remember
like it was yesterday.
Yeah, so I took a chance.
Maybe she has a fantasy, right?
So I said to her... And this is a thing
I would never really say.
I go like this...
"I know what you want. "
Oh, you talk tough, but I knew you
were safe. I mean, just look at him.
But I knew she didn't want another number
in her black book...
or something to
write home to Mom about.
She wanted something
to write home to herself about.
Then I said,
"How did you know?"
And it was great,
too, wasn't it?
Are you kidding?
Where do you
get this shit? Cosmo?
- Well, I mean, it was just a...
- Fantasy!
I mean, you gotta care about
what they care about.
Their anatomy. How you gonna be
anybody's boyfriend...
if you don't know anything about
being their girlfriend?
I'm not saying you gotta be gay
or anything. You know what I say?
I say,
"I'm just gay about girls. "
I prefer your method.
It's more sincere,
less vulgar.
Kevin's would only work
with certain types.
Now, wait a second.
This was just an act.
Sure.
Anyway, nobody knows what
they really want. Nobody.
Honey, you just said
a fucking mouthful.
People don't know
what they want.
But I'll bet you...
I'll bet you when
you're about to check out...
you know exactly
what you want.
You want
what you had!
Too late!
When I was lying
in the fucking street...
I felt so stupid.
I thought...
"God, I blew it!
I had it! And I blew it!"
This is not
a rehearsal, kids.
So, if you don't get
what you want, beat it.
Because all the rest
of this shit...
makes me sick!
You didn't see that.
So, uh...
who wants dessert?
- Hi, honey.
- So, how ya doing?
Fine. I'm fine.
Really.
- One last dance, babe?
- Oh...
- Sorry, Romeo. We gotta go.
- No.
Don't bother getting up.
- Welcome home.
- Thanks.
- We'll see you, Erica.
- Okay.
- Cheer up.
- I'm cheerful.
- We're going now. Here we go.
- We're going.
- Good-bye.
- Don't talk to yourself.
- I'm coming.
- Bye. So long.
Oh, good night, Kevin.
Nice to meet ya.
- Good night. Nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.
- It was great.
- Honey.
Honey!
- Okay, big guy.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Thanks for coming.
- I ain't gonna do it.
This has been wild.
Can I have that wine back?
It's too late for that.
Thanks for coming.
Kevin! We have to go.
It's getting late.
- Well, good luck on this play.
- Thanks for the party.
- Thank you.
- Hope your wife gets better.
- Oh, so do I.
- So, Alex, great. All too wonderful.
- I'm really glad you could make it.
- Okay, right. I gotta go.
- I'll see you again I hope. All right?
- Thanks for the party.
- Kick ass on this play now.
- All right. We will.
- Come see it.
- Okay.
Well, I'm gonna have a drink.
Would you like one?
Yeah, I want
another drink.
Time for bed.
Okay.
Here's $5.
Seventh and Bleecker, okay?
Hey, wait...
Kevin!
Let's get these things off.
She'll be more comfortable.
- What?
- Let's get these things off.
She'll be
more comfortable.
Let's pick her up.
I'm sorry about this.
- Why?
- Well...
It's just getting
so late, and I...
You probably
wanna go home.
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
Oh, Jesus!
- Oh! Oh.
- Oh, I fell.
- Are you all right?
- Uh-huh.
- I tripped.
- Oh, my God!
She's okay...
I think.
Come on.
I fell down.
Come on.
- I may be going down.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- All right... Ow!
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Let go of the...
Okay, okay.
Yeah. Shh, shh, shh.
All right. Come on. Come on.
Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go.
- What?
- Let go. All right. Never mind.
I can do it.
- There. It's all done.
- Mmm.
- Okay. I'm so thirsty.
- Okay.
Okay.
Uh, I can stay in with her
and make sure she's okay.
No. That's okay.
I will.
- You sure?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Why don't you sleep in the other room...
and if there's
a problem, I'll...
I'll just get you.
- Right.
- Okay.
Uh...
I'm gonna sleep
in this room.
- I think that's best.
- I do too.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night.
Oh. Yes?
Yeah, excuse me. We found this guy
sleeping in the building lobby.
When we rousted him,
he claimed he lives here.
Family troubles.
Is that correct?
- Well, he doesn't live here, no.
- Alex...
- Okay, buddy.
- I mean, I know him.
He's a friend of mine.
He was here last night...
- but, no, he doesn't live here.
- What are you sayin'?
I don't know what I'm saying.
Come in.
I... I just know him.
What's going on, Kevin?
I...
Kevin.
Hello.
- Can I go now?
- Sure.
- Kev!
- Sorry to bother you.
Christ Al...
What's going on?
You're walking.
Okay.
Have you seen my, uh...
What's going on?
What do you mean?
What was she doing here?
She stayed
in the spare room.
I didn't say "where,"
I said "what. "
Don't you remember how fucked up
you were last night?
I don't remember anything.
Tell me.
Oh, boy.
It was a great party.
I really gotta go.
What a guy.
Kevin?
Hello.
- It's me. I'm comin' right over.
- No. No, no, you can't.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
I'll see ya soon. Bye.
No, wait! Alex!
My cab.
- Five minutes. Five minutes.
- Come on.
- Two minutes! - Two minutes? What
do you mean "two minutes"?
Well, what do you mean
"five minutes"?
I mean that in five minutes...
I'm gonna have you convinced
to come away with me tonight.
- You bought tickets?
- Yeah, well, I did.
- I figured actions speak louder than words.
- Hey, h-hold on a minute here.
We don't have jobs,
and you're not married?
We go away together.
We just see what happens. You don't have
to make any permanent commitment.
You just have to go away...
with me.
What's the matter?
- What's the matter?
- Ha! What's the matter?
- We're in a hurry, right? You have
it all figured out. - Yeah, but...
Here. I don't want to hear
any buts, Alex. Just pack.
But...
Hey! Lisa!
Why are you rushing this?
Why are you doing it
this way?
Last night
you were so...
- And in here you make me so...
- I don't wanna be married anymore.
- And I get to be your excuse?
- No. No.
- You're not taking this seriously enough.
- I am taking this seriously.
You're the one who's turning this
into some kind of theatrical spectacular.
And I don't need that,
I've already got an actor.
Do you and Kevin
live together?
- Yes.
- Oh.
Oh.
So, do you wanna
come away with me now, or what?
- Oh, come on, Alex. You're not listening.
- No, no, no. You're not.
I'm serious. The only way I can do this
is just breaking off all ties...
and going away with you.
Now, if you never want to
see me again, just say so.
Just look at me
and say so.
Great. Okay.
I'm going to Reedy's. 10:30.
Just think about it...
If you're there,
you're there.
Mr. Boyer. Mr. Boyer!
- Mr. Boyer!
- What?
I don't know what
to tell these people.
I... I've told them
to wait, but...
- Who?
- Them.
I've gotta take care of something.
Just tell them to wait a little longer.
Uncle Mel, I have to talk to you
about something very important.
If it's important,
we should wait for Stu.
I've thought it over
and over...
and I've come to
the conclusion that, uh, I quit.
- What?
- I think it's best for me and the company if I just left.
There's no future
for me here.
- It just isn't right!
- You can't just leave.
- Why?
- Why? Because we're family.
Uncle Mel, we do not live
in prehistoric times.
I can love you as family, but that
doesn't mean I have to work for you.
Yes, it does. I mean, you don't
work for us... You do work for us...
I mean, we wor...
We all work together.
You know, it's as much
your company as it is ours.
- What do you mean?
- I mean, on paper.
- On paper?
- On paper.
It's destiny, Alex.
That's what it is.
So, don't fuck with fate.
You'll get hurt.
Why is all this news to me?
It's not news to you. We told y
ou when your fath... You know.
- Yeah, but I didn't think that that
meant... - Sure, you were stunned.
I understand. You were dazed.
You were thinkin'about other things.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize it then either.
So, let me tell you now...
you're a partner in this company.
You can't be fired,
and you can't quit.
Okay?
- I can't quit.
- Alex, I know how you feel.
It's the worst part
about growing up, I guess.
You know, we're not as free
as we thought we were.
Wejust can't do
whatever we want to do.
- I'll sell.
- What?
- I'll sell!
- So, sell.
Who you gonna sell it to?
Good luck, Charlie.
- Stu?
- Yeah?
- Why are you doing this to me?
- Alex, what do you want?
- I want out.
- That's what you don't want.
You don't wanna work here.
But tell me what you want.
- I can't even explain it to you.
- Why?
- I wouldn't understand? - No,
you wouldn't. I don't think you would. No.
Oh, boy. What are you trying to do,
give me hemorrhoids?
I got hemorrhoids,
so don't bother.
Listen, I don't want you to do
anything rash, you know what I mean?
So, why don't you
take a week off.
When you come back,
we'll discuss it, huh? Think it over.
Go and write
a short story or something.
Just, uh, get it out
of your system.
What if it takes
more than a week?
Take a month.
Take a month off.
Take three months off
and write a novel or save the world.
Whatever. We'll hold the fort
till you get back.
I don't want three months off, Stu.
I want...
No! You don't know
what you want.
That's the whole
point of this discussion.
So, don't tell me you're leaving,
selling or quitting because I won't let ya.
- I'm gonna say it, Stu.
- Can't hear ya.
- Can't hear ya. I'm singing.
- Stu!
- I'm gonna sing. I'm singing.
- I'm quitting. I'm quitting.
God!
Uncle Stu!
Uncle Stu!
Yeah?
I should at least tell you
who I chose to replace me downstairs.
- Yeah? Who?
- Ralph.
- Ralph who?
- Our Ralph!
Our Ralph? You mean...
But he's just a...
Okay. You're the boss.
- So?
- I really can't explain it.
I just can't be
your nurse anymore.
I can recommend
a new one if you want.
You don't really think
I need one, do you?
Oh, I think you could probably benefit
from a nurse for a while yet.
It just can't be me.
Are you talking
funny today or something?
What is it, Lisa, dear?
You don't like me anymore.
Oh, it has nothing
to do with you.
I think it probably does.
Quite a commotion
here this morning.
Well, I guess that's all.
- Huh?
- If that's your decision...
Right.
Erica?
Erica?
Hi, Alex.
Are you going somewhere?
No, but I thought
you were...
so I packed a bag.
- You what?
- I didn't know where...
so I made kind of
a general selection...
weather-wise.
That's it?
That's it? You're not
gonna say anything?
How's work?
How's work?
I quit that fuckin' place.
That's how work is.
I'm leaving there, I'm leaving here,
and I'm leavin'you.
It's your life.
Don't patronize me!
Don't patronize me!
Everybody's doing that!
It is infuriating!
Why don't you get angry?
Get angry!
You don't even
get angry anymore!
You're right. I probably
should get angry...
but, right now, I just
don't have the energy.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey!
What?
You think I'm kidding?
You think you have me
all figured out?
No secrets from Erica?
Well, check this out.
I'm leavin'.
This is me leavin'.
So long. Sayonara.
A bientt. Arrivedrci.
So... Whoa!
I'm not your mother, Alex. I'm not gonna
stop you if you wanna go out and play.
If you wanna go, go!
You're out
of your fuckin' mind.
I'm not taking
the blame anymore.
I am sick and tired of hearing how great
your life would've been if it weren't for me!
You don't know how lucky you are.
Why don't you ever
remember the good times?
Like...
Like that time we drove back
from California?
Alex?
Or that time
in New Orleans...
on the roof
during the party.
That was pretty sexy.
I still think about it.
Alex?
I still think about it.
Especially at times like this
when you start to fuck up...
- when you try to spoil everything!
- Oh, goddamn!
- Shit.
- Shit!
Oh, that's great.
Yeah.
Smash a few things.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- You shit.
- Oh, shit.
Hey! That was nice.
Ooh! Good one. Yeah.
What? Am I next?
Will you put it down?
What, are you gonna knock my nose off?
Go ahead. Let me have it.
Oh, grow up,
will you?
Give me that.
Yow!
Oh, stop it.
Had enough?
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
I think you cut me.
Oh, Jesus.
Uh... Oh, my God. I'm bleeding.
- It's okay.
- Whoa!
- Oh, God.
- Stop it.
- You're being a baby.
- Yeah, a baby who's bleeding to death.
Okay. Hold your arm up.
Okay.
You're gonna live.
You can put
your arm down now.
Gonna be all right.
You can go now.
What?
You want me to stay?
Do you wanna stay?
I asked you first.
Okay...
You wanna go,
you should go.
Go.
There's an animal going insane somewhere
just because of you.
Just because of this dress that your wearing,
a lion somewhere is jumping into a river...
and you're sipping wine while a bear
might be somewhere just staring...
off into space while the forest
around him is burning.
- I thought you wanted to. What's
the problem? - Lubrication.
- What?
- Lubrication.
You ain't gonna get
what ain't wet.
- - You are
just trying to satisfy your fantasies...
not mine.
You might get what you want,
but you're not gonna get what I want.
I'm sick of
the same old, same old.
Don't you know
what I want?
Say you know what I want.
Say it!
I know what you want.
Get it? You get it?
- Good night, George.
- You're goin' out, Mrs. Boyer?
- Uh-huh.
- But it's just terrible out.
- Here. Let me take that for you.
- No, no. I'm fine. Really.
It really slits my throat
to see you walk away.
It really puts a grenade
in my mouth...
when I hear you say,
"I don't love you anymore.
And this is the good-bye
I should've said before. "
It really blows my feet up
when I'm running after you.
It really drops atomic bombs
on both foot one and two.
My Hiroshima, left.
My Nagasaki, right.
Mushroom clouds
get in my eyes.
My tears are all
that's left of an ocean.
The heat of you leaving dries.
That might work if I was a girl.
Too bad I'm John Keats.
Yeah, but, yo, Keats!
Not bad, kid.
Not bad.
- Man, you...
- Get up.
- Jeannie, wonderful, wonderful.
- Thank you.
- You know what I mean?
- What about you? You did it.
I have a feeling we're gonna have
a clean sweep with this.
Now you're
talkin'like an agent.
No, pictures, everything.
This is it. I'm telling you. This is it.
- This is it.
- Okay. All right. All right.
- I'll see you later, okay?
- Okay. At the party.
Yeah. Hi.
- Bye. - Lisa! You're gonna
join us at the party, right?
See you, star.
No, wait. Listen, I have to, uh...
Forget it.
Mrs. Boyer,
come on in, please.
You're not gonna find
anything now.
I guess you're right.
Nobody's goin' anywhere tonight.
Believe me.
- I'll buzz you if things change.
- Thank you, George.
Hello.
- Hello.
- God, you're soaking.
I had to walk the whole way.
Couldn't get a cab.
Oh. Come in. Come in.
Come in.
You know, I was a little
surprised when you called...
I mean, after what happened
in the park.
- The funny thing is, I was gonna call you.
- You were?
Yeah, um, I thought
about everything...
and I decided that
I was wrong.
I mean, it's the modern world, right?
And I'm a modern girl.
I feel just awful.
Do you have anything to drink?
You want some cocoa?
Cocoa? Okay.
You know, that's what
I like about you, Alex.
All the other guys are always trying to
impress me with how great they are...
or how sensitive they are...
but, you, you're always trying to impress
people with how miserable you are.
- No, I don't.
- No, I mean, it works. It does.
You are insensitive.
You don't care how anyone else feels...
but you always look
so unhappy that...
well, it's just so cute.
So, that's why
I was gonna call you.
I've decided I've been too hung up
on having a relationship.
Well, they'll kill ya
every time.
I wanna be looser.
I just wanna have fun.
My wife tried
to stab me today.
Well, that oughta
tell ya somethin'.
So, listen...
why don't you
ask me again?
Ask you what?
You know.
Just ask me again.
I'll say yes.
And it'll just be
our little secret.
Oh, Erica.
God.
I'll get it.
What?
What? What? Wha...
Gunshots]
- Hello?
- It's me.
- Is that you?
- Of course it's me.
Who do you think it is?
- Well?
- Are you up?
Yeah. I was just reading.
I called earlier.
No answer.
Yeah, I went out.
- In this weather?
- Well, I didn't get very far.
You think I'll be able
to get crosstown?
I don't know.
I'd be surprised.
I could try.
You could.
Okay. Bye.
Taxi!