1
Same old boring Sunday morning
Old mans out
Washing the car
Mums in the kitchen
cooking Sunday dinner
In 1987 my family
moved from Punjab in India
to Hounslow, Punjab in London,
just a short hop and a skip
from Heathrow Airport.
Sitting in the dark
Annoying the neighbors
With his punk rock electric guitar
Thats me there.
Amardeep Singh Sidhu,
age nine and three quarters.
Wed left our family business back home in
the safe hands of Papas younger brother,
Jarnail, or as we call him, Uncle Jay.
While here in England,
Papa opened the 14th Indian restaurant
on the High Street.
Papas passion for food
soon turned the business into a success.
But despite working long hours,
he always found time
to remind me of our heritage.
Mmm. Vadiya.
Remember, puttar,
a Sikh is a man of honor.
He should never be scared
to do the right thing,
no matter what the consequences.
When you grow up and wear a turban,
always treat it with respect.
Yes, Papa ji.
Soon I got to know
everyone in the neighborhood.
Next door to us
was Khan saab and his family.
And on the other side of the street
was Mrs. Doyle and her son.
It wasnt long before we became friends.
And this is our story.
Check, its Amar, Akbar and Tony
West London, listen up closely
True friends gotta know
whats the meaning
Cause fake friends
only stay around for a reason
Ride together, die together
Ask will this friendship end?
Okay, not now, not ever
Just three little letters
They be AAT
Baby, Amar, Akbar, Tony
The rest is just who we are
Excuse me. How do I get to...
What you need to do is--
Its right over here.
I cant do this.
-You want to back out?
-No way.
Were here now.
Dont be trying to pussy out of this.
No, theres too many people.
I cant do this.
Tony, chill out.
Were gonna stick to the plan.
Keep calm. Be cool.
Thank you.
Its nearly 5:00.
They should be here by now.
-Are you sure you got the right day?
-Every Sunday its the same routine.
First they go the temple--
Nita, her brother and her mum.
They collect the blessing from the priest.
Her dad owns the jewelry store, so after
the temple they make their way there
to share the blessings, hoping that God
gives them even more money.
Auntie ji watches Nita like a hawk.
Never lets her out of her sight.
And her brother--
Her brother is Southall Sanj.
You know about this guy. Hes that
nutter who stabbed Jinder. Remember?
Nasty piece of shit.
You do not wanna get into his bad books.
Now wait for it.
She should be here...
any... minute... now.
Straight... from... heaven.
This is the only time
youre gonna catch her on her own.
In a minute shell come out the shop,
go to that music store, get some CDs.
But her brother keeps coming out
every so often to check on her.
So make sure you chat to her quick.
-How do you know all this?
-Ive done my research, man.
Every guy within five miles of Southall
has been after this girl for years,
and my cousin was the only guy
that got anywhere close.
He followed their routine for months, man.
Im talking proper surveillance shit.
What happened with him then? What?
Well, on the day he decides
hes finally gonna chat to her...
he gets arrested for credit card fraud.
Can you believe that? On the day?
Yeah, he gets done for fraud,
his family disown him,
but all hes gutted about
is not chatting to this girl.
Shes coming out.
Listen with headphones?
-You gonna talk to her or what?
-Come on.
Hurry up, man.
Where is he going?
Whats he doing?
-Any tips?
-Just remember to smile.
Even if she looks at you like
youre a piece of shit under her foot,
keep cool and just keep smiling.
Persistence overcomes resistance.
Remember that.
Hurry up.
You know hes gonna
crash and burn, dont you?
Get in there, son. Get in.
Excuse me. Do you know the way to, uh...
to the...
Oh, my God. Um, its you!
Y-Youre, uh, Nita, right?
-Yes.
-What a coincidence.
Uh, its Tony.
Uh, Anthony Doyle. Do you remember me?
W-We went to nursery together
when we were...
at nursery.
-Hey, Aki.
-Hmm?
- Is that true about your cousin?
- Of course not.
He didnt go to prison.
He went to hospital.
Southall Sanj caught him talking
to his sister, and he broke his leg.
No!
I shouldnt bloody laugh at that.
-Bloody hell.
-I know. Terrible.
-Oh, shit.
-Shit!
Hey. White boy.
Youre messing with
the wrong guys sister.
Come on, come on! Come on!
I know who you are!
If I see any of you again...
...youre dead!
I could tell she liked me.
I could see it in her eyes. Shes the one!
Youve gotta stop turning
every woman you meet into the one.
It aint the two,
or the ten, or the 20.
The one? The uno?
-The ik?
-Thats what Im saying.
Nita is my ik!
Im telling you boys.
Listen, let me tell you something
about Asian women, bro.
Nita is an eight-to-ten, right?
And the only way youre gonna marry
an eight-to-ten is if you become a doctor.
-Well, that aint gonna bloody happen!
-Its the unwritten rule.
A caste system for beautiful Indian women.
If shes an eight-to-ten,
she gets married to a doctor.
Or the ugly son of a rich industrialist.
Lawyers, accountants, business guys,
they get the six-to-sevens.
Three and fives, everyone else.
-Everyone else.
-Thats just the way it is.
Well, I think my gal Nita
is looking for a Caucasian prince.
Mate, she dont want your Cauc
anywhere near her Asian.
You need to learn how to make good chapati
to keep your husband happy.
Yeah? I thought you had to learn how to do
other things to keep your husband happy.
Chee. Take this inside.
-Ik minut! Sonia.
-What?
-Please cover yourself.
-Mom!
-Ah!
-Besharam.
We used to walk five miles
to work every morning.
We had bread dipped in tea for our lunch.
You have choices which we didnt.
If I had half the opportunities you have--
Ah! Chapatis!
What happened to your eye?
Soni!
What?
Uh-- I got into a fight.
But the choices you boys make today
will make you into the men
you become tomorrow.
To be a man you need big shoulders
and bigger balls.
Why is nobody eating?
Come on, come on. Here.
Yes, please, Auntie.
Come on, eat until everyones plates
empty, empty, empty.
How do you say big balls in Punjabi?
-Vaadey tattey.
-Vaadey tattey.
-Vaadey tattey. Thats it.
-Vaadey tattey.
- Vaadey tattey.
- Just get in.
Vaadey tattey.
-That all right?
-Its right, its right.
-Got a headache, man.
-I dont wanna hear about your problems.
-Vaadey tattey. Vaadey tattey!
-Shut up.
-Whoo!
-Shut up!
So, why should we offer you
the position, Mr. Singh?
Well, sir, as well as
my academic distinctions,
I firmly believe in
the British justice system.
Its always been my dream
to work for a prestigious law firm--
Thats admirable, Mr. Singh,
but Im not looking to hire a politician.
Im looking to hire a good lawyer.
Why should we hire you?
Im hardworking. I always give a hundred
percent. You wont find me wanting.
Look, Mr. Sykes,
the area Im from,
the kids I grew up with,
a lot of them could be future clients.
Quite a few of them
are criminals-in-the-making.
I know drug dealers,
fraudsters, tax evaders.
I know I can bring
a lot of business to this firm.
Do you come here often?
-Waiting for my boyfriend, actually.
-Oh. Where is he?
-Fifteen minutes late.
-Ah. Not really worth it then, is he?
Ow!
Howd it go?
He offered me the job.
I start in two weeks!
-Oh, my God, thats amazing!
-Ive got another surprise.
Keep your eyes closed. Turn around.
Dont open them until I say.
Keep em closed. No peeking.
Okay, and look.
Well? What you reckon?
Uh, what do I reckon what?
-Are you proposing?
-Its obvious, isnt it?
-Go on, then.
-What?
-What, get down on my knees?
-Yes!
Uh-uh. Were Punjabi. We dont do that.
Well, propose Punjabi style then.
Oye, shaadi karogi?
Aho.
Its perfect.
You, look after the car.
-Why do I always have to stay?
-Come on.
It says that if we are not
fully repaid by the end of the two years,
then this bar will belong to us.
So please, if you agree, sign it.
Things have been difficult,
but, uh, yeah, they will pick up.
I have big plans for this place.
After today my son will be in charge,
so he will be collecting the payments.
Theek hai?
-Uh-huh.
-Good.
Thank you.
So what you sayin then?
Give me your number.
Who you keeping them for?
Come on. I know you want to.
-I told you to look after the car.
-Dad, Im looking after the car.
This place will be yours
in two years time.
Hell end up selling his wife and children
to the casino before he pays us.
Dad, why does Aki get the bar?
-When you learn to pull your trousers up--
-Just sayin!
-He can have it. Its a shit-hole.
-Shut up, both of you.
Ive made my decision. Now get in the car.
Move.
-What are you starting?
-Just move. Just go.
Mmm.
Mwah!
Where you going? Youre supposed to
be looking after the shop.
Ill be back.
Got something important to do.
You promised, Anthony.
Ive got a hair appointment.
But you already look gorgeous, Ma.
I dont want any old buggers round here
giving you the eye.
-Wont be long.
-Give me that money back.
-Ill pay you back, Mum.
-What with? Youre always taking money.
What do you spend it on?
Selfish bastard.
Ave
Maria
Sanji!
All right, bruv.
This is it.
Oi!
Come back, you little pussy!
Are you okay?
Youre dead, white boy! Dead!
Just staying ten minutes, right?
Hi!
- Sonia!
- Richa!
Youre looking gorgeous.
How are you?
Hey! How did it go?
-I got the job.
-Hey!
And, uh, what do you think?
Oh, my God!
Let me see!
Congratulations, my boy.
The first lawyer in our family.
-How did you know?
-I can see it in your eyes, my son.
Im your father.
I can read you like a book.
Now, we must try a good dish
on this occasion.
-Dad, Im not hungry.
-Oh, try, boy. I want you to try it.
I grew up on this.
It was your granddads favorite.
Well?
Mmm, not bad. What is it?
Lambs testicles.
Its good for you!
My father used to say itll put hairs
on your chest and make a man out of you.
Ive got enough hairs on my chest.
Son, Im really proud of you.
Your granddad wouldve been proud of you.
Oh, Dad.
Come on. Richas here.
Listen, everyone, listen.
I have found out today that my son, Amar,
has been offered a job
with a top law firm.
But even more than that,
he has decided to marry
his childhood sweetheart, Richa.
No way!
Richa, come up here.
To Richa.
Youve got some explaining to do.
An engagement party!
We are gonna celebrate!
-So happy for you, bro.
-Thanks, bro.
Yes, yall
Where your hands, yall?
Yeah, come on
I mean, lets hear the beat, yall
Come on, yall
I body rock, yall
This is shit.
Its all right.
Well, I am going to dance.
Hey, sexy sardar.
Mmm.
Oi. Brunette, blond, 10:00. Check it.
Lets do this.
Hi.
-How you doing?
-Hi!
- How you doing?
- Im good.
Ooh, baby
Ooh, baby
You cant judge how good
a woman is in bed by her star sign.
Ah, seriously, you can.
Look. Dirty sex, Leo women.
Emotional sex, Pisces.
Intense sex, Scorpio.
Angry sex, definitely Aries.
-What am I, then?
-Ill tell you that in the morning, love.
What about Capricorn?
-Ive never slept with a Capricorn.
-Me neither.
Do you want to do some research?
Ooh, baby
Aki.
Ooh, baby
Yo, Southall!
No cash, no gash. No spray, no lay.
No woman, no cry. Isnt that right, sir?
There we go. Thank you very much.
No money, no honey. No cash, no gash.
No spray, no lay. No woman, no cry.
Evening, gents. Hows it going?
Dont let anyone in.
Thank you.
Oh, fuck.
Hello, bruv.
Fancy my sister, do ya?
You want my sister?
Get up, white boy.
Get up!
Nobody...
messes...
with Southall Sanjs sister!
Hey! What the fuck!
- Tony, man!
- What the fuck you doing?
-You fucked with the wrong man.
-Aki!
Sanj!
Oh, shit.
Amar, Im sorry.
I cant believe that you got married
and didnt tell us.
Arrey. What to tell?
The instant I saw Meera
I knew she was the woman for me.
Phatak! Were married. Hanna, Meera?
Yes. It all happened very quickly.
Hmm.
So dont worry.
Theres still hope for you.
Thanks!
Jarnail, mere veer.
Jay, its been three years.
He wont let us visit.
He was a wonderful boy
with a beautiful future.
- Now who will give their daughter to him?
- Its a tragedy, huh?
He was such a bright boy.
Stop all this pitying nonsense.
Amar is not dead.
Hell come out of prison
and hold his head high like a man,
like the son I have brought up.
Enough, na.
Every day Niagara Falls.
More food, na?
Meera? Are you okay?
Im sorry.
Im just missing my family.
Well, were your family too now.
I know.
Uncle Jay is so lovely.
You should be really happy.
Yes.
Hes a good man.
And you? Is there someone special?
Uh, have you seen
the guys round here?
Men. Theyre the same everywhere.
Yeah. Idiots.
Anyway, come on.
Theyre all wondering where you are.
-Um, Akbar?
-Yes.
Weve had a property increase in that area
every year for the last two years.
You owe it to yourself
to come for a viewing.
Yeah. Fantastic.
So well see you tomorrow at 12:00?
Take care. Bye.
Hi. Uh, Samantha?
-Hi.
-Hi. Aki. Nice to meet you.
Okay, these are the papers to the flat.
Are you ready to go take a look?
-Yeah.
-Super.
- Going?
- Back in a minute.
-This way?
-Just to the left, yeah.
I think youll like this place. Its got
nice, high ceilings, great location.
Its very sought after.
You know what I mean?
Great.
So, what do you do?
-Im an actress.
-An actress?
Wow.
-Would I have seen you in anything?
-Oh, I doubt it. Im just starting out.
-Okay.
-I also teach, to pay the bills.
I thought about acting, actually,
you know, with my looks.
But I figured theres no money in it,
is there, unless you really make it.
Well, doesnt that apply to everything?
Nah. Property.
Theres good money in property.
Here we are.
If you like, I can get
a good price for you on this place.
With a bit of imagination it could really
be something. What do you think?
No.
So it wasnt your kind of place, huh?
Youre very observant.
Yeah, well, I notice these things.
Its part of my job.
So, are you acting in anything
at the moment?
I am. Im in a play.
Yeah? I love plays.
What, like Shakespeare and all that?
Hes the greatest playwright in the world.
Yeah, thats what they say,
but Ive got a theory about that.
Why doesnt that surprise me?
Could tell you over
a cup of coffee sometime.
-Oh, I have a boyfriend.
-Why doesnt that surprise me?
Do you always hit on the women
that you take out on viewings?
Really? You think Im hitting on you?
Oh. Oh, youre not?
No chance! Youre not even my type.
Okay, so the coffee was like--
-That was general courtesy.
-Oh, no. Yeah, I forgot.
Estate agents are famous
for their, um... courtesy.
Oh!
So, whats the theory?
-How about I tell you over dinner?
-I told you, I have a boyfriend.
-So? Does that mean you dont eat?
-Not with random men.
Hey, look, listen.
Dont take the dinner invite
the wrong way, all right?
I would love to see you act. I mean it.
So let us know if youre in anything.
Im doing a Chekhov play
at the Grove Theater next month, so...
youre welcome to come to that.
Ill be there.
I love Tchaikovsky!
We have a 90-percent success rate.
I have been in the business for 20 years,
and Ive been happily married
for 30 years!
My children, all five,
all happily married!
In my family no divorces,
all by the grace of the Almighty.
-What age are you?
-Uh, 26.
Nearly 27.
-Are you sure youre ready to settle down?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
What is your profession?
-Uh...
-What is your career?
Work. Work. What kind of work you do?
Right, yeah. Sorry. IT. Computers.
Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk.
-You want to marry an Indian girl. Why?
-Uh, I-I grew up round here.
I love Indian women, you know?
You know, I-Im not racist.
Hmm.
What kind of wife are you looking for?
Ave
Maria
What kind of wife you looking for?
What kind of wife?
What kind of wife are you looking for?
Oh, you know. Someone traditional.
I think I have someone
that you will like.
- Okay.
- She came from India only last week.
-Straight off the boat?
-How dare you.
- Straight off the aeroplane!
- Budhu akal.
-Her name is Honey.
-Uh... Honey.
Yeah. Honey. Very sweet girl.
I care a damn about people, you know.
I dont.
Thats the problem with India. Everybody
is into everybody elses business.
Theres no privacy, yaar.
Right.
Thank you for choosing this location.
Its very... romantic.
Shall we get going?
Whats the hurry? Were only
just getting to know each other.
-Yeah, but, you know--
-So, what are the--
the qualities that you are
looking for in a wife?
Oh, and, uh, dont expect me
to be a virgin. Okay?
Maybe we should get going.
I mean, getting a bit cold and...
You English guys are so forward.
Weve only just met, and already
youre expecting me to warm you up.
N-No, thats not what--
Hotel. Mid-range. Not too expensive.
Now.
Thirty-six double-D.
Also known as the Patiala Cup.
Dont be frightened.
Theyre not going to bite.
-This is not a good idea.
-Shh, shh, shh.
Take me to Jullundur, big boy.
Okay.
How long you been waiting?
-Too long, bruv.
-Good to see you, bruv.
So, how was it?
Yeah, great. Really recommend it.
I dont know what to say.
Im just trying to make conversation.
Just dont. All right?
Did you get much action
in the showers, or what?
Its just a joke to you, isnt it? I was
only in there cause of you, you prick.
Ive said Im sorry a million times. You
want me to apologize the rest of my life?
Yes, actually, I do.
I want you to wake up every morning
for the rest of your life and apologize.
Okay. I will.
Good.
Come on.
Oh.
Im sorry, but we are not open as yet.
This was my familys restaurant.
I didnt realize it had been taken over.
You are Amar.
Yeah. Um, you?
Meera.
Im Jays wife.
I didnt realize hed got married.
Yes, we got married
a few months ago in Delhi.
Oh. Congratulations.
Thank you.
Um, I should go.
Amar?
Were having an opening party next week.
I hope you can come.
I-Ill try.
-Im sorry I let you down.
-You didnt let me down.
Maybe you let yourself down.
All the things you worked hard for.
But life has a different destiny
in store for you.
You have to hold your head high
and have faith.
Things will work out.
Dont let one incident define you.
Youre young.
You can still achieve whatever you want.
Amar...
I could have quite easily
given you the restaurant.
But then people
would have pointed fingers at you...
saying that you didnt
stand on your own two feet.
Son...
I want you to earn your own self-respect.
And once you have that...
then nothing can break you.
Oh, there he is! Heres the man!
Get him a drink!
Get him a drink! Get him a drink!
Hey, bring her over! Thats it!
Oh-ho!
Breathe, young man, breathe!
Welcome home, Amar! Welcome home!
-I owe you, man.
-What?
I owe you. Southall Sanj would have
stabbed me to death if it werent for you.
-You saved my life.
-Aki.
You would have done the same for me.
I know that. Were brothers, man.
Come here.
Its that idiots fault
any of it happened in the first place.
So listen.
I want to chat to you about something.
-What?
-What do you think of this place?
-Its a shit-hole.
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
-Its your shit-hole.
-What?
The guy who owned it before
defaulted on his debt.
So it belongs to me now,
which means it belongs to you.
Hey, Im serious, man. What do you reckon?
-No.
-Look, listen.
Ive been holding on to this place
for almost a year now, and look at it.
I have no idea what Im doing. I know
nothing about the restaurant business.
But you-- youve grown up in it.
Heres what Im saying.
You run it, turn it around,
and we split down 50-50.
-No, Aki, I cant. Its too much.
-Why not, Amar? Why not?
What you gonna do? Where you gonna go?
Look, Ive thought long and hard
about this, yeah?
And I am not accepting a no from you.
So, here are your keys.
Your flat is upstairs, rent-free.
You saved my life, bruv.
I will never forget it.
Never.
I missed you, man.
All right.
Come on. Come on.
Tony.
-Ah, what?
-Havent you have a job to go to?
What time is it?
7:00 a.m.
No. Got a couple of hours yet.
You mean youve actually got a job?
Yeah, of course.
I work in IT.
Computers.
I know what IT is.
I went to prison, not back in time.
Im sorry.
What?
Im sorry.
Every day for the rest of my life.
Remember?
Idiot.
Come here.
Youre giving me
your stern face, Petya, but what can I do?
What can I possibly do?
Hes ill. Hes lonely and unhappy.
And whod look after him there?
Whod keep him from making mistakes?
Whod give him his medicine
at the right time? And--
And whats the point in hiding it
or not talking about it?
I plainly love him.
Hes a millstone around my neck,
but I love my millstone.
-Hello.
-Hello. Congratulations.
Thank you.
-That was fantastic.
-Thank you for coming.
-Did you enjoy it?
-It was good.
- Honestly?
- Yeah. It was. It was...
You were amazing.
- Amazing.
- Oh. You liked it?
I loved it. I didnt want it to end.
I was so-- Uh, I was moved.
I cant believe you came.
Thats so nice.
Um-- Uh-- Sorry. Im being rude.
Um, this is my my friend Alison
and this is my sister Nicola.
Sisters?
The good looks run in the family then.
So, what did you think?
Wasnt she brilliant?
Yeah, she was great.
Except I kept getting distracted
by some idiot who was snoring.
Yes.
Some people
just dont appreciate good theater.
What can you do?
Yeah.
Lets go join the others.
Nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you.
So, isnt your boyfriend
supposed to be here?
Oh. Hes my ex.
We actually broke up a few weeks ago.
Oh, shit.
Im really sorry to hear that.
- No, youre not.
- No, Im not.
So, why did you break up?
Um, because...
-Mmm.
-Bec--
Well, thats a bit--
thats a bit personal, isnt it?
No, fair enough. Fair enough.
Maybe we can chat about it
over dinner next week.
If we ever go to dinner,
we are not going to be talking
about my past relationships.
No? Okay.
Well, then,
how about we go to dinner next week,
and maybe we can chat
about our future relationship.
You dont give up, do you?
We have a saying in Southall.
Persistence overcomes resistance.
Im sure stalkers
have the same philosophy.
Yeah. Funny, I know a couple of those too.
-Oh, so I should go and mingle.
-Yeah, of course.
See you next week.
-Maybe.
-Perfect. Friday around 7:00 then?
Whats her name?
Samantha.
Whats she do?
Shes an actress.
-Actress?
-Yeah.
-Would I have seen her in anything?
-Nah.
I was thinking of bringing her here
for opening night actually.
- Yeah?
- Why not?
I, uh, saw Southall Sanj the other day.
How is he?
No, hes all right, mate.
We see him all the time.
Pussy.
Yeah, anyway, check this.
I was visiting my cousin Ayesha
in hospital.
Shed just given birth to this baby boy.
And while Im there, guess who walks in.
Southall fucking Sanj and Auntie ji.
Right behind them
is Miss Southall 2003, Nita.
There she is, right, massively pregnant,
ready to drop any minute.
And youll never guess
who she got married to.
Dr. Kumar.
Dr. Ravi Rohit Kumar.
-You mean our Dr. Kumar.
-Yeah.
-What, Dr. Kumar from Ivanhoe Road?
-Yeah.
Hes, like, twice her age, man.
Yeah. But you know
what they say about Asian women.
They say when it comes to Asian women,
a medical degree spreads more legs
than the National Ballet.
Oh, look. Theres a smile.
I aint seen that for a while.
- Hes back.
- Lets finish this.
Dr. Kumar.
Dr. bloody Kumar.
Mmm.
Mmm!
Enchanting.
Meera.
Here, try the foie gras kebab.
Delightful, isnt it?
I hate these people.
They were all over you
when you got your law degree,
practically throwing
their daughters knickers at you.
And now its like you dont even exist.
Its not their fault.
Honestly, would Dad want you to marry
someone whod just come out of prison?
Theyre looking for prospects,
and I have none.
I missed you.
I missed you too.
Meera, youve done lovely
with this restaurant. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen!
I hope youre enjoying the food.
Id like to introduce you
to our talented, young new chef, Kurt,
whos going to change the face
of Indian cuisine as we know it.
Thanks, Jay.
Uh, I trust youve all
been appreciating our fusion
of eastern, western
culinary, gastronomic delights.
Well, a few words, ladies and gentlemen.
Innovate.
Create.
Or as they say in the Punjab,
Chak a day, fuck a day.
Not much to look at out here.
I just needed some fresh air.
How do you like London?
Its nice.
But I miss home.
People are too busy with their own lives
than to worry about anybody else.
Must be difficult moving
to a new country and starting over.
Yes.
But Jay has a lot of friends,
so its not so bad.
There you are.
Ive been looking all over for you.
Theres people inside I want you to meet.
Come on.
Why didnt you
let me come visit you?
I would have waited for you.
It wouldnt have been fair.
You didnt give me a choice.
You had to move on.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I should go.
Congratulations.
Im so sorry.
Why is my name last?
Why is your name there at all?
Didnt you know? He got sacked.
-Works here now.
-Twat.
So...
were open?
Were open.
Were open?
Come on, you. Weve got work to do.
How many jobs do you want
to be fired from in one week?
-Ill sort it.
-Well, youd better.
Chacha ji.
Welcome. Youre our first guest.
Please, come through.
So this is the competition, Nephew?
I like it. I like it.
What do you think, Meera?
It has a lovely atmosphere.
Son, get me a drink.
Whiskey.
And not an English measure.
Desi style. Ah.
White boy behind the bar.
Nice touch.
Actually, Chacha ji,
Tonys a childhood friend.
Hes an adopted Punjabi.
Kidhan.
Another one.
Were spoiled for choice.
-Is that your uncles wife?
-Yeah.
She is fit!
She must be half his age.
You know what? Im really starting
to regret having you here.
-Chacha ji.
-Hmm.
Arun will bring you some menus.
Hi there.
Can I get you something to drink?
Yes.
If the British
hadnt conquered half the world,
-no one would have heard of Shakespeare.
-The plays speak for themselves.
The man is a prolific genius.
You can make that comparison cause
youve read writers from around the world?
Oh, name another.
Uh, Salim, Javed.
Two of the greatest writers
to ever come out of India.
-What?
-Thats not the point Im making.
If, say, the Indians
had conquered half the world, right,
and colonized it
for a couple of hundred years,
chances are the greatest playwright
would have been an Indian.
When the Greeks were in charge,
the greatest writers were Greek.
In the future it will be the Americans.
Okay, you might have a point.
God, its difficult being good-looking.
People always think
youre dumber than you really are.
Youre such an idiot.
I cant believe
Im going on a date with you.
Oh, Mr. Khan.
So lovely to see you back here again, sir.
-Youre looking very healthy, Mr. Singh.
-Why, thank you.
Your wife and kids well?
Oh.
Very well, thanks be to God.
So, sir,
a special table for you
and your special friend?
Yes, please.
-Madam, may I take your coat?
-Thank you.
Please follow me.
Madam.
-Ease up.
-Of course, sir.
-Your waiter will be with you shortly.
-Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Good evening, Mr. Khan!
What a lovely madam
you have with you today, sir.
Papadum, please.
Mr. Doyle, please to look after Mr. Khan
and his lovely special friend.
Sir, madam,
I will be your waiter for this evening.
May I recommend the Desi Danda.
Its a particularly succulent drink.
All right, all right, all right.
Cut the crap.
Sam, meet Amar and Tony.
- Theyre supposed to be my oldest friends.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
And if youve got any single friends,
thats my card.
Oh. Ill-Ill pass that on.
Im sure theyll be very grateful.
So, what is a Desi Danda?
Uh...
-Here, you can keep that.
-Yeah, all right.
Um, drink?
-Yes. Now.
-Okay.
Its a nice place.
Yeah, well, I managed to find
a decent estate agent this time.
Are you trying to suggest
that Im indecent?
Well, I hope so.
Will you take me to India one day?
Yeah.
To Pondicherry.
Mm-hmm.
I heard they have
the most amazing croissants there.
You want to travel 5,000 miles to India...
for some croissants?
Any objections?
None.
There should be fusion, yaar.
- There should be east meets west and--
- Jay.
So... how was the meal?
I liked it.
It was okay.
Meat was tough.
Tell your chef to boil the lamb
before they fry it.
They always take shortcuts.
Ill let him know.
How are you, son?
This boy, he was my fathers favorite.
He used to say to me,
Amardeep will make our family glow,
just like his name.
Amardeep-- eternal light.
-He was a good man.
-He was a bastard.
He wasnt a father.
He was a military instructor.
Im sorry for what happened to you
in your young life,
but I would give anything to see his face
to know that his golden grandchild
had been to prison.
-We should go.
-Its okay.
I love you, Nephew.
Dont get me wrong.
But I hated my father, and he hated me.
He could never understand me.
Never--
Oh. Its okay.
- Its all right.
- Im sorry.
Its okay. Its family.
Come on.
Lets get you home.
Um, thank you for dropping us.
Good night.
Im lost. Hang on. Hang on.
-Where the hell is this place? Come on.
-I know its somewhere around here.
You dont even know
where your fiance lives?
Its where her parents live.
-Whatever.
-I hope they havent made pork, you know.
You told them, na?
English people love pork.
Sausage this, bacon that.
Dont worry, Dad.
Im sure they havent made pork.
Did you get the flowers?
Oh, Dad, I forgot.
Nads.
-Hi.
-Nice to see you.
-Welcome. Come on in.
-Thank you.
Hi. Lovely to see you.
-Hi.
-Hi.
So, Salim, what do you make
of all this Muslim terrorism stuff?
-Dad!
-George!
No, its absolutely fine.
I mean, if we are
to be related through marriage,
then we should be able
to talk about even awkward topics.
Um, anyone for dessert?
I have some lovely tiramisu.
Yeah, Ill, uh-- Ill help you, Mum.
We are religious people,
so much that we are moral people.
I have brought my children up
to be good Muslims.
Theyre not brought up
to be terrorists or killers.
But if you bomb my family
and kill my brothers and sisters,
then I have every right to take revenge,
whether Im a Muslim, Christian or a Jew.
Yes, but surely you must agree
you cant go bombing institutions
and not expect a response.
You see, its all this killing
that is taking place...
Can I help you with that?
I think I can manage
the salt and pepper, thanks.
Looks like you can manage quite a lot.
So you into Asian boys as well?
Im going to go into the kitchen.
Can you believe
theyre talking about terrorism?
Especially when we have a wedding to plan.
Oh, what could be more important,
Samanthas wedding or the slaughtering
of innocent people?
Not talking about the weddings certainly
not going to prevent the killings, so...
Will they want a Muslim ceremony?
- Yeah. Aki will want a nikaah.
- Yes.
One knicker ceremony for them
and one church wedding for us.
Its nikaah, Mum.
Knicker. Thats what I said.
- Do you think she put alcohol in that?
- Yes.
I am the ik.
What?
-What do you mean youre the ik?
-More like the prick.
Seriously, man, the way I figure it,
youve been going about this
the wrong way.
You know, waiting for the ik
to come into our lives.
Thing is, when you
sort of figure yourself out a little bit--
you know, who you are,
what you want to do...
then you become the ik.
Do you know what I mean?
And everything else just falls into place.
Baby
What do I do to make you notice me?
My friends say Im wasting time
Dry your eyes, youll be fine
You got to wake up now
Wake up now
Wake up now
Wake up now
-What are you doing over there?
-Come on, man. Come on.
Thank you.
Dont need no dancing shoes
Just my head screwed on
One of these days Ill make you mine
There aint no such thing
As a girl on time
Hi. Um...
I was wondering if I could--
Is it okay if--
-I was watching you.
-What?
Come on. Lets go.
Lesbian.
One of these days Ill make you mine
There aint no such thing
As a girl on time
Wake up and get the radio on
Dont need no dancing shoes
Just my head screwed on
One of these days Ill make you mine
There aint no such thing
As a girl on time
Wake up
Wake up
Baby, its you and me now
Like it was meant to be
I still cant believe youre mine
You say that all you need is time
You got to
Wake up now
Wake up now
Wake up now
Wake up now
Baby
What do I do to make you notice me?
My friends say Im wasting time
Dry your eyes, youll be fine
You got to
Wake up now
Wake up now
Meera, wait.
Please. Meera.
Im sorry. Please. Please wait.
Meera, please.
Why are you sorry?
You havent done anything.
What you mean to say
is that you feel sorry for me.
Did you know?
What?
That my husband would rather be
with that ugly-looking man than me?
That your whole family keep pretending
that everything is normal?
Your dad keeps asking me
when we are going to have kids.
Your mom keeps telling me
that it takes time to fall in love.
So what are you going to tell me?
I know about my husband.
Ive always known.
I just didnt think that hed behave
like that in front of you all.
I should take you home.
Its somewhere down there.
Its somewhere down there, isnt it?
All right,
were gonna get some food. Later.
-Bye.
-Love you!
Youre heavy.
You know, youre quite attractive...
in the night light.
Yeah, and youre very drunk.
I seen you eyeing me up in there.
Hey, thats rubbish.
Youre like my sister.
What?
Your sister?
Look, youre Amars sister, so that--
that makes you out of bounds.
Well, youre Amars friend...
and that makes you very tempting.
So where is Amar anyway?
I think he went to look for your aunt
after Uncle Jay
started waggling his dinky.
Oh, yeah?
And what about your dinky?
Is it feeling kinky?
I think its starting
to have a little thinky.
I think you should drop me home.
Make sure I get back safely.
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
That didnt happen.
Thanks. I enjoyed it too.
If you tell anyone,
well, Ill just-- Ill deny it.
You really know
how to make a guy feel special.
You know, Ive always had a crush on you.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Oh, its just so much better
in my imagination.
Geez. I should just roll over and die
than get into a conversation with you.
How come you married him
if you dont love him?
Not everything is about love,
you know.
I liked him.
He was kind and funny.
Kind and funny.
Dont you believe in love?
You can love someone
without being in love with them.
You can.
Doesnt mean
that theyre the right person to marry.
Everything happens for a reason.
Oi!
Ive been looking for you
all over that damn club.
Why didnt you tell me that youd left?
I could have been standing
in front of your face
and you still wouldnt have noticed.
You were so distracted by that-- that man.
Dont get virtuous on me, saali.
You arent a saint either.
See what I have to put up with?
Marriage isnt easy, Nephew.
Whiskey?
Chacha ji, we need to talk.
Go home, puttar.
Its late. We can talk tomorrow.
I saw you at the club.
You saw nothing.
I understand the difficulty
of your situation.
Understand the difficulty
of your situation.
You Angrez maa chod.
How can you ever understand my situation?
You cant live like this,
pretending to be someone youre not.
Why not?
Ive been like this for over 40 years.
Lying, hiding, pretending.
My father would have killed me
with his own bare hands if hed found out.
What do you think your father will do?
What about Meera?
Why is that your fucking concern?
She is my wife.
She is none of your business.
I have feelings for her.
Youve barely met her
and you have feelings for her.
Son, take my advice and back off.
You hardly know her.
You want her to go with you?
Ask her.
Ask her!
Looks like youve found yourself
a new hero.
Dont.
You want to go with him?
Go. Go!
I think you should leave.
Please, just go.
Are you really going to stay with him?
Please.
Go.
Put your cock back in your trousers, boy.
She may look sweet and innocent to you,
but you dont know
what youre dealing with.
- Here, here.
- What?
I cant believe
that Akis actually getting married.
Yeah, for real.
I mean, shes pretty,
but I wouldnt really put them together.
Yeah, but thats how these things go.
I mean, who wouldve put us two together?
Uh, were not together.
Yeah. I know were not together.
Exactly.
Youre taking me to our friends wedding.
Thats it. Yeah?
Nothing more, nothing less.
Right.
I feel used.
Oh.
Well, dont take it personally. I mean...
youre like a brother to me.
Will you love her, comfort her,
honor and protect her,
and forsaking all others,
be faithful to her
as long as you both shall live?
I will.
Samantha Ellen Williams...
...do you accept the marriage proposal
of Akbar Ali Khan
of your free will and consent?
If you do, say Kabool hai.
Kabool hai.
I, Samantha Ellen Williams...
...take you, Akbar Ali Khan...
...take you, Akbar Ali Khan...
...to be my husband...
...to be my husband...
- ...for richer, for poorer...
- ...for richer, for poorer...
...in sickness and in health...
...in sickness and in health...
...to love and to cherish...
...to love and to cherish...
...till death do us part...
...till death do us part...
...according to Gods holy law.
...according to Gods holy law.
In the presence of God
I make this vow.
In the presence of God
I make this vow.
Meera--
Where are my keys?
Meera.
Maa chod.
Meera.
I-- Im-- Im sorry.
Im so sorry.
-Get him out of here.
-Who?
Sonia, get him out of here
before I do something I might regret.
Come-- Come on, Uncle.
Im sorry.
So you think suicide is
a better option than being with me, huh?
Well, maybe youre right.
Theres something I want you to know.
If you let me...
I promise
I will never let you be unhappy again.
But you have to give me a chance.
Amar.
Amar,
theres something I need to tell you.
Hey.
How you doing, baby?
My boyfriend from college
secretly filmed us together.
When I broke it off,
he told me about this tape.
And if I married anybody but him,
he said he would show everyone.
Last year my father arranged my marriage
to a family friend.
And on my wedding day...
true to his word, he--
he showed up and he played the tape...
...in front of all of our guests,
in front of my future husband.
-Has the whole town had...
-Please.
And your father-- Are you her pimp now?
Can you imagine the shame
that this brought to my family?
So to save my familys honor,
my father tried to kill me
in front of everyone.
But Jay pulled him away and--
and he married me there and then.
He told me all about himself.
And I promised to protect him
the way that he had protected me.
But when we came over here...
well, things became different.
So, son...
will you be able to stand the thought
of people talking about your wife
behind your back...
laughing at you, laughing at your family?
Huh?
We all have a past.
If youre strong enough
to accept this woman,
I will be strong enough
to tell the world about me.
All I know...
is this is the woman I want
to spend the rest of my life with.
Meera, beti.
Will you look after my son?
Oh, yes.
Yes.
What are you doing?
What is wrong with this family?
As if it wasnt bad enough
this one went to jail.
And-- And this one?
What will society think?
Fuck society.
My son and my familys happiness
is more important than any society.
So...
what do you think?
Oh, my darling, you look gorgeous.
Like an Indian Irish prince.
Hmm.
Ready?
Lets go.
-Nice?
-Rather phenom.
Dancing in the morning sun
Playing in the summer rain
Seeing the people having fun, oh, yeah
Holding hands at the fair
Sunlight in her golden hair
A million stars without a care
Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you the one?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you the one?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, my summer sun
Whoa, whoa, whoa, my summer sun
Sleeping through the daily race
Wake up to your smiling face
Gorgeous sleeping on silken lace
Oh, yeah
Laughing at the clever quips
Hold you closer by the hips
Kiss you gently on the lips, oh, yeah
Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you the one?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you the one?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, my summer sun
Whoa, whoa, whoa, my summer sun
Dancing in the morning sun
Playing in the summer rain
See the people having fun, oh, yeah
Holding hands at the fair
Sunlight in her golden hair
A million stars without a care