1
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[PRESENTER]
AFTER HIS EARLY WORK
IN THE THEATER
IN LONDON AND NEW YORK,
FILM AUDIENCES FIRST ME ATTICUS SMITH
IN 1978'S TENSE DRAMA OF
SEXUAL MORES, "NEVER LOOK BACK."
HE WON A GOLDEN GLOBE IN 1981
FOR HIS PERFORMANCE AS
A TORTURED VINCENT VAN GOGH
IN "STARRY NIGHT."
[MUFFLED]
AND IN 1984,
HIS FIRST ACADEMY AWARD
FOR HIS ROLE
AS A SHELL-SHOCKED,
SUICIDAL ARMY CAPTAIN
THE VIETNAM EPIC,
"CHARLIE EVERYWHERE."
HE WON HIS SECOND
ACADEMY AWARD FOR HIS PORTRAYAL
OF A DEAF MUTE
POSTMAN ON TRIAL FOR MURDER
IN "THE RIGH TO REMAIN SILENT."
- [SINK RUNNING]
- AND JUST LAST YEAR,
HE WON THE HEARTS OF
A YOUNGER AUDIENCE
WITH HIS STRIKINGLY
COMEDIC PERFORMANCE
AS A WEARY DETECTIVE
PARTNERED UP
WITH A DROOLING BLOODHOUND
NAMED SLOBBERS.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE,
ABOUT THE BELOVED COMEDY,
"COPS AND SLOBBERS."
SO, LET'S BRING HIM OUT HERE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ATTICUS SMITH.
[APPLAUSE]
THEY'RE SAYING YOU'RE UP.
I KNOW. I'M GOING.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I NEVER GOT ON VERY WELL
WITH MY FATHER.
HE WAS NEVER MUCH AT HOME,
BUT I REMEMBER
ONE THING HE SAID
ON ONE OF HIS RARE VISITS,
AND THAT WAS THAT IF YOU WERE
GIVEN A MODICUM OF TALENT,
YOU SHOULD WEAR IT WITH
A LIGHTNESS AND A GRACE.
WELL, I SEEMED TO HAVE FAILED
ON THAT SCORE.
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
WHO WROTE THIS?
- I WROTE IT? HMM...
- [LAUGHTER]
SO MANY FRIENDS,
SO MANY LEGENDS.
EVEN PEOPLE WHO FIRED ME
IN THE PAST.
WHAT I...
WHAT I REALLY WANT TO SAY
IS THAT I HATE THESE AWARDS.
I MEAN, LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT?
[SIGHS]
I'M NOT OLD ENOUGH.
I MEAN, THERE'S
SOME YOU OUT THERE
WHO ARE TWICE AS OLD AS ME,
AND YOU HAVEN'T HAD YOUR
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS.
SO, LET'S KEEP GOING.
MORE FRIENDS, MORE FILMS,
BECAUSE, BELIEVE ME,
THERE'S LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
ALL RIGHT, WELCOME TO "WOMEN IN FILM:
CINEMA THROUGH THE FEMINIST LENS."
- I'M ADAM...
- ARE YOU A SUB?
NO, I'M NOT A SUB,
I'M YOUR NEW PROFESSOR.
BUT ISN'T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE
FROM A FEMINIST VIEWPOINT?
LOOK, FEMINISM IS MORE
THAN JUST WOMEN'S LIBERATION.
IT'S ALSO MALE LIBERATION.
HAVE ANY OF YOU SEEN
MY ANITA LOOS DOCUMENTARY?
WASN'T THAT AT SUNDANCE
THIS YEAR?
NO, IT CAME OUT IN 2007.
WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON NOW?
IT'S A NEW DOCUMENTARY, IT'S KIND
OF A FOLLOW UP TO MY LAST FILM.
IT'S MORE CONFRONTATIONAL.
IT CALLS OUT A LOT OF FEMINISTS
FOR NOT GOING FAR ENOUGH.
I GUESS IT'S KIND OF LIKE
A TRILOGY, BUT WITHIN ONE FILM.
THE SECOND HALF KIND OF
CONTRADICTS THE FIRST HALF.
IT'S, UH...
I KNOW, IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN
OUT OF CONTEXT.
IS ATTICUS SMITH YOUR DAD?
I'M ON YOUR WIKIPEDIA PAGE.
IT SAYS HE'S YOUR FATHER.
[STUDENT]
SHUT UP, HE'S FAMOUS.
"FATHER" IS KIND OF
A STRONG WORD...
YOU TOTALLY LOOK LIKE HIM.
HE WAS SO HOT.
DID YOU SEE "FIVE DAY FUCK"?
THE SCENE
WITH THE BUTTERSCOTCH?
OKAY, LET'S NOT GET HUNG UP
ON THIS, PLEASE.
WAIT, IT SAYS YOU WERE
IN A MOVIE WITH HIM.
YEAH, THAT WAS,
THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
"THROWDOWN AT BITCH RIVER."
YOU'RE CREDITED
AS "SALOON BOY."
CAN WE JUST TRY TO GET BACK
ON THE SYLLABUS HERE?
[STUDENT] BITCH RIVER?
THAT SOUNDS KIND OF SEXIST.
[MURMURING]
[STUDENT]
HE WAS SO CUTE!
MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
AUGUST. SUN BEATING DOWN.
WE WERE SHOOTING...
WE'D BEEN UP THERE FOR SIX WEEKS
SHOOTING
"THROWDOWN AT BITCH RIVER."
AND DICK HARRIS AND I
WERE COCKEYED.
I MEAN, IT WAS HOTTER
THAN A CROTCH.
THIS IS GONNA MAKE "LORD OF THE RINGS"
LOOK LIKE SOME INDIE PILE OF CRAP.
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
- AND I SAW HIM DOING COKE IN THE BATHROOM.
THAT'S HILARIOUS.
THAT'S NOT COKE, THAT'S A
CHINESE HERBAL SUPPLEMENT.
HE'S GOT TO SNORT I THROUGH HIS...
DID YOU SEE HIM SNORTING
THROUGH HIS NOSE?
HE'S TOO OLD
TO LIVE LIKE THIS.
DICK, HE PULLED OU THIS PROP COLT .45,
POINTED IT AT HIM.
WELL, THE GUY WENT WHITE!
HE WAS SHITTING HIMSELF!
HE'S PLAYING GOD, LITERALLY.
I KNOW.
I NEGOTIATED THE DEAL.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE I DON' KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?
- YOU TOOK US TO THE WALL ON THAT ONE.
- I SURE DID.
IT FELT GOOD TO FUCK YOU.
YOU HAVE A LOT OF MONEY.
- HEY.
- OH.
DO YOU KNOW...
MY FAVORITE CHILD IS
GETTING MARRIED IN TEN DAYS?
MARRIED.
ANNABEL, MY LITTLE GIRL.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FAVORITES.
WERE YOU DOING COKE
IN THE BATHROOM?
THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS.
EVERY PARENT HAS FAVORITES.
OH, JESUS, COULD YOU HOLD
THIS RIDICULOUS THING FOR ME?
MY ARM'S HURTING.
WHY DOES YOUR ARM HURT?
I DON'T KNOW.
PROBABLY FROM LIFTING MY COCK.
OKAY, STOP.
YOU CAN'T BE DOING THIS
IN FRONT OF ALL
THE STUDIO EXECS, ALL RIGHT?
DON'T BE SUCH A SUIT.
YOUR DAD WOULD BE EMBARRASSED.
FUCK YOU.
THE GAME HAS CHANGED.
- RIGHT.
- THIS IS YOUR "GAME OF FUCKING THRONES,"
- YOU'RE NOT EVEN ACTING LIKE IT'S ANYTHING AT ALL.
- OW, JESUS!
YOU ALL RIGHT?
ARE YOU OKAY?
STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!
ARE YOU OKAY?
[WEATHERMAN ON TV]
80S GIVE WAY TO 70S.
THAT WILL STAY FOR WEDNESDAY.
SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT HEAT,
THE RELIEF IS COMING IN
AS WE HEAD ON
THROUGH THIS WEEK.
HERE'S THE EXTENDED
FORECAST NOW.
THERE ARE UPPER 70S
TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY...
[NEWS ANCHOR] BEFORE WE GO BACK
TO SAM, SOME NEWS JUST COMING IN.
THE ACTOR ATTICUS SMITH
HAS BEEN HOSPITALIZED
IN LOS ANGELES.
THE 70-YEAR-OLD, THREE-TIME
ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING STAR
OF SUCH FILMS AS
"THE LANGUAGE OF MEN"
AND "FOUR STAR GENERAL"
IS REPORTEDLY
IN STABLE CONDITION
AFTER COLLAPSING
AT AN EVENT LAST NIGHT.
MR. SMITH WAS REPORTEDLY SET TO
START SHOOTING THE FILM "GOD,"
PLAYING THE TITULAR ROLE.
- WE WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED...
- "GOD"?
- MR. SMITH?
- YEAH?
THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW.
[WOMAN ON TV]
STYLE, GRACE, POWER.
[SIREN WAILING]
HE'S DOING FINE.
I'M LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT NOW.
- HE'S DOING AMAZING.
- [MAN ON PHONE] WHAT?
- THE MOVIE DOESN'T EVEN START FILMING TILL OCTOBER.
- WE NEED HIM HEALTHY.
WHAT IS THAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
THERE'S SO MUCH RADIATION HERE.
- CAN YOU HEAR ME? HELLO?
- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
- HEY, EVERYTHING IS GREAT, RIGHT?
- JIMMY, STOP I CAN HEAR YOU...
- HEY, DR. FISCHER?
- OH, MY GOD.
DR. FISCHER,
WHAT'S THE SITUATION?
IT'S THE SAME.
DR. GEORGES PROBABLY
WANTS TO OPERATE ON HIM
AS EARLY AS NEXT WEEK.
NO! NO! ARE YOU CRAZY?
- SHH, SHH, SHH.
- NO, LISTEN TO ME,
HIS DAUGHTER'S WEDDING
IS NEXT WEEK.
IT'S THE ONLY PERSON
HE LOVES MORE THAN HIMSELF
AND ME AND MY DAD.
[BUZZING]
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- IS HE OKAY?
- HE'S UP.
- CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND YOU.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME
WHERE THE FUCK I AM?
GOOD GOD.
I HAVEN'T SEEN LEGS LIKE THA ON A NURSE SINCE THE 70S
WHEN THEY WERE ALLOWED
TO WEAR SHORT SKIRTS.
I'M DR. FISCHER.
- LIE BACK.
- DOCTOR?
YOU'VE HAD A HEART ATTACK.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH FOR ME.
- [SIGHS]
- RELAX.
JIMMY!
- GOOD GOD.
- [DR. FISCHER] EASY.
THERE YOU GO.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- EASY. EASY.
- WHO LET THAT JACKASS IN HERE?
- IS HE OKAY?
WHAT'S HE DOING
SLEEPING ON A TEDDY BEAR?
- IS HE HALLUCINATING?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
IT'S MY GODDAMN SON.
ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA GO GET HIM
I GOT A TERRIBLE THIRST.
CAN I HAVE A DRINK?
- YES
- DON'T GET HIM. DON'T GET... OH.
[JIMMY]
HEY, TEDDY BEAR.
ADAM.
JUST LITTLE SIPS.
MM.
[COUGHS]
THANK YOU.
YOU DON'T LOOK THAT BAD.
YOU LOOK LIKE
OSAMA BIN LADEN'S NUTSACK.
IT'S A BEARD.
NO SHIT.
YOU IN PAIN?
HAVE YOU EVER
HAD A HEART ATTACK?
IT'S LIKE BEING SHOT IN
THE CHEST WITH A FAT PERSON.
CAN YOU JUST ANSWER
FROM A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN
INSTEAD OF ABSURD METAPHORS?
ABSURD?
LOOK, I WAS IN MOROCCO
SHOOTING "LOVE IN THE SANDS"
AND I SAW A 400-POUND ARAB
BEING SHOT OUT OF A CANNON
AT A CIRCUS.
HOW'D IT HAPPEN?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE HE CLIMBED UP A LADDER.
OR PERHAPS THEY LOWERED HIM
IN ON A CRANE.
- HE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT...
- IT WAS 30 YEARS AGO FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
HE HAD MAJOR
ARTERIAL BLOCKAGE.
- SO, WHAT, IS HE DYING?
- EXCUSE MY FRENCH,
BUT WHY DON'T YOU
GO FUCK YOURSELF?
YEAH, I'M DONE.
- GOOD.
- OH.
THESE ARE FOR YOU,
BY THE WAY.
- THANK YOU.
- YEAH.
MEN DON'T BRING
OTHER MEN FLOWERS,
BY THE WAY.
THEY'RE FROM ANNABEL,
ASSHOLE.
I BROUGHT YOU A FLAGON OF WHISKEY
AND A CAROUSEL OF WHORES!
OH, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT. WELL,
SHOW THEM IN THEN, HOTSHOT!
[DR. FISCHER]
EASY. STAY CALM.
WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
[CLEMENTINE]
WELL, THANK GOD HE'S OKAY.
[ADAM ON PHONE] YEAH, WELL,
ATTICUS ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE OKAY.
LISTEN, I GOT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT SOMETHING.
WHAT?
WHAT?
I LOATHE HIM. I...
NO. NO, NO, NO.
DON'T SAY THAT.
DO YOU WANT HISTORY
TO REPEAT ITSELF
WHEN WE HAVE
OUR OWN LITTLE FAMILY?
ARE WE THINKING ABOUT THAT?
WELL, WE'RE NOT...
WE'RE NOT NOT THINKING OF IT.
YEAH, I...
ARE YOU OKAY?
YOU SOUND KIND OF STRANGE.
[SIGHS]
- ADAM?
- YEAH. I'M...
HOW'S THE SCORE GOING,
BY THE WAY?
- GREAT.
- YEAH?
IAN'S AMAZING, LIKE YOU SAID.
I BROUGHT YOUR OLD LAPTOP
BECAUSE MINE CRASHED.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
AND, OH, I FORGOT HOW
FUCKING AWESOME CRUMPETS ARE.
MMM.
[BRITISH ACCENT]
PROBABLY GAINED A FEW STONE.
I JUST MISS YOU.
I'M SORRY.
JUST A WEEK TILL ANNABEL'S.
- I LOVE YOU.
- I LOVE YOU, TOO.
SO, I NEED THIS LIKE
I NEED TITS.
OH, MY GOD, I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU WITH
BIG MILKIES, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
OKAY, OKAY, WAIT A SECOND.
WAIT A SECOND.
WE CAN'T INSURE HIM.
HE'S FIRED.
HE'S GONNA BE FINE, OKAY?
YOU SHOULD'VE BROUGH ROSES OR SOMETHING.
- A GESTURE TO SHOW...
- HEY, JUST REMEMBER,
I CAN MAKE ONE PHONE CALL
WHILE I TAKE
MY MORNING SHIT...
- OKAY.
- AND GET ANY ACTOR I WANT TO REPLACE HIM.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
THINK ABOUT THAT.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE TO
REPLACE HIM, OKAY?
COME ON, GO SEE HIM.
COME ON, IT'S FINE.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
I'M COMING.
JIMMY!
JACK!
THIS IS THE HEAD HONCHO.
IT'S GOOD OF YOU TO...
I'M NOT GONNA
BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.
YEAH?
I NEED TO PROTEC THIS FRANCHISE.
I NEED YOU HEALTHY.
LISTEN, JACK,
IT'S JUST A LITTLE OPERATION
AND I'M GOING TO BE FLYING.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, DOCTOR?
OKAY, NURSE WILL
BE IN SHORTLY.
- THANK YOU, DOCTOR. HE'S GONNA BE GREAT.
- THANK YOU.
I BET SHE'S MATCHES AND GASOLINE IN
THE SACK, WOULDN'T YOU SAY, JACK?
- [DR. FISCHER] I CAN HEAR YOU.
- YOU NEED TO FOLLOW THE RULES.
- I'M A GOOD SOLDIER, YOU KNOW ME.
- DON'T BE CUTE.
LOOK, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN,
SIT DOWN, JACK.
YOU'LL WEAR YOURSELF OU STANDING THERE.
CAN YOU KEEP IT CLEAN?
YEAH, SURE.
NO DRINKING, NO DRUGGING?
- YEAH...
- NO FUCKING?
OH, COME ON,
I'M AN OLD MAN NOW.
DON'T DICK AROUND WITH ME.
THIS ISN'T LIKE IT USED TO BE
WHEN WE WERE YOUNG AND FREE.
I MEAN, I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY
TO MY SHAREHOLDERS NOW.
I ANSWER TO A BOARD,
AND LIKE IT OR NOT, SO DO YOU.
YEAH, WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I GET IT.
NO TITS, TOOTS, OR SIPS.
I NEED YOUR WORD, ATTICUS.
YOU HAVE MY WORD!
YOU HAVE JIMMY'S WORD, TOO.
YEAH, THERE'S NO TITS, TATS
OR TIPS... THERE'S NONE OF IT.
THAT'S RIGHT, I MEAN...
COME ON, JACK, WE GO BACK.
WE'RE GONNA DO THIS SHOW
WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.
OKAY.
[JACK]
OKAY, I GOT TO GET BACK.
- GET BETTER.
- GOOD OF YOU TO COME.
THANKS FOR COMING BY, JACK.
THAT MEANS A LOT.
I APPRECIATE IT, BUDDY.
GIVE MY LOVE TO MAYBELLINE.
[JACK]
YEAH, YEAH.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[BABIES CRYING]
[ANNABEL ON PHONE] SO, DAD, HOW ARE
YOU FEELING NOW? ARE YOU OKAY?
SWEETHEART, I'M FINE.
I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER.
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
DAD, COME ON,
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?
- YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL.
- HE WAS DOING COKE!
- WHAT?
- OKAY.
JESUS CHRIST,
WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE
I'M GONNA SMASH YOUR FACE.
YOUR BROTHER IS HERE,
UNFORTUNATELY.
DO NOT FIGHT WITH HIM.
YOU'VE GOT TO KEEP
YOUR STRESS LEVELS DOWN.
ARE YOU LISTENING
TO THE DOCTORS?
YES, YES, YES,
DR. FISCHER'S GOT ME
WELL UNDER CONTROL.
SHE'S GONNA HAVE ME OU LOOKING BRIGHT AND BREEZY
FOR THE WEDDING.
NO, YOU NEED TO STAY PUT.
WHAT?
YOU'RE GONNA POSTPONE IT?
NO, WE CAN' CHANGE THE DATE, DAD.
MOM'S ALREADY PAID
FOR EVERYTHING.
BUT TELL HER
I'LL REIMBURSE HER.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, IT'S MY
MONEY ANYWAY, TECHNICALLY.
YOUR MOTHER IS A BITCH.
- IS DR. FISCHER THERE?
- OH, WOW.
DR. FISCHER IS ALWAYS HERE,
- LURKING.
- GREAT, PUT ME ON SPEAKER.
- HI, ANNABEL.
- DR. FISCHER,
CAN YOU TELL ME
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
OKAY, HE HAS SEVERE
ARTERIAL BLOCKAGE.
HE'S GONNA NEED
SURGERY IMMINENTLY
SO THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'VE SPOKEN TO OUR SURGEON...
AND I'VE SPOKEN...
I'VE SPOKEN TO MY SURGEON
IN NEW YORK, DR. ZISSER.
HE'S THE BES HEART SURGEON IN AMERICA,
PROBABLY IN THE WORLD.
AND HE'S GONNA DE-CLOG ME
AFTER THE WEDDING
IN PLENTY OF TIME FOR
THE START DATE ON "GOD."
IS THAT RIGHT, JIMMY?
IF YOU DON'T DIE FIRST.
HE CANNOT FLY.
HE HAD ME LOOK INTO
A MEDICAL BUS.
OR A FUCKING AMBULANCE
WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
WE CAN TURN ON THE SIRENS!
DR. ZISSER IS VERY GOOD.
WELL, THERE WE ARE.
I'M CERTAINLY NOT GONNA HAVE
ANYBODY ELSE CUT INTO ME,
SO THE DECISION IS MADE.
- TECHNICALLY, A MEDICAL BUS IS POSSIBLE.
- SO, WE HAVE A DEAL.
- BUT I DON'T RECOMMEND...
- JIMMY CAN DRIVE ME.
I CAN'T DO IT.
I HAVE OTHER CLIENTS.
GODDAMN IT, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO SAY YOU GOT OTHER CLIENTS.
- ADAM'S GONNA HAVE TO DRIVE YOU.
- WHAT? NO!
- ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
- WHY THE FUCK AM I GETTING YELLED AT?
- [ANNABEL] BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP.
- I'M SORRY,
WE'RE JUST... WE WERE JUS DISCUSSING SOMETHING.
YOU THINK THIS HORSESHI BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU
ONLY AFFECTS YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
IT DOESN'T.
IT BLEEDS INTO
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
DAD, THE ONLY WAY
THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE
TO COME TO THIS WEDDING
IS IF ADAM BRINGS YOU,
I WANT YOU BOTH THERE,
SO YOU DECIDE.
BELLA, YOU'RE REALLY BACKING US
INTO A CORNER HERE.
YEAH, A BIG CORNER.
CAN YOU PUT ADAM ON?
WHY?
SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ME,
ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, HANG ON A SEC.
ADAM, HAVE I EVER
ASKED YOU FOR ANYTHING?
YES, MANY TIMES.
HONESTLY, ADAM,
I'M STANDING HERE,
I'M HAVING THIS CONVERSATION
IN A WEDDING GOWN.
JUST GET OVER YOURSELVES
AND GET HIM TO NEW YORK.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE,
AND I DON'T EVEN
KNOW YOUR NAME.
IT'S LUCY.
- LUCY.
- MM-HMM.
WHAT A LOVELY LUCY YOU ARE.
THIS IS CLOPIDOGREL BISULFATE.
IT'S AN ANTIPLATELET DRUG.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE ONE EVERY DAY
BEFORE THE OPERATION, OKAY?
IT'S ESSENTIAL.
I TOLD YOUR SON,
- GIVEN HIM INSTRUCTIONS AS WELL.
- [GROANS]
CAN I ENGAGE ON IT?
ENGAGE?
NO, NO.
YOU CANNOT ENGAGE
WITH ANYONE OR ANYTHING.
THERE'S NO DRINKING,
THERE'S NO SMOKING,
THERE'S NO FRIED FOOD,
- THERE'S NO SUGAR.
- NO SUGAR?
YOU MENDED MY HEART.
IT IS WITH THE HEAR THAT WE SEE TRULY.
THE ESSENTIALS
ARE INVISIBLE TO THE EYE.
[HORN HONKING]
WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT,
YOU ASSHOLE?
LUCY,
SORRY WE DIDN'T MEET SOONER.
- THANK YOU.
- YES.
MM, MM!
OH.
- AU REVOIR.
- YEAH, OKAY, CIAO.
[SIGHS]
WHAT?
YOU'RE A VERY SAD, SAD MAN,
AREN'T YOU?
OH, THIS PLACE
SMELLS LIKE PUSSY.
OH, FUCK ME.
I'M GONNA SHOWER UP.
POUR ME FOUR FINGERS
OF SCOTCH, WILL YOU?
NO ICE.
IT'S 8:30 IN THE MORNING.
WELL, THEN BUZZ ROOM SERVICE
AND GET SOME BLOODY MARYS
AND WHATEVER
YOU WANT TO DRINK.
[SNIFFS]
OH.
[SHOWER RUNNING,
ATTICUS HUMMING]
[ATTICUS]
FIGARO
FIGARO, FIGARO, FIGARO
FIGARO
[HUMMING]
[SIGHS]
[SHOWER STOPS]
WHAT THE FUCK?
WHERE'S ROOM SERVICE, HUH?
- I DIDN'T CALL THEM.
- WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I WAS MEDITATING.
MEDITATING?
I THOUGHT THAT WENT OU IN THE '70S.
COULD YOU PU SOME CLOTHES ON, PLEASE?
YOUR CROTCH IS IN MY FACE.
WELL, I'M SORRY
YOU DIDN'T INHERIT A DICK
FROM MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY.
IT'S A HELL OF A LINE.
GOOD TO KNOW YOU WERE UP-CLOSE AND
PERSONAL WITH GRANDPA'S DICK.
DAMN HARD TO MISS.
LOOK, TRUST ME, I'M GOOD.
WELL, WHIP IT OUT THEN,
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
I'M NOT HAVING A DICK CONTES WITH YOU.
WELL, THEN I REST MY CASE.
GOD, CAN YOU PUT YOUR OLD
HAGGARD COCK AWAY, PLEASE?
IT LOOKS LIKE A ROTTEN BANANA.
LOOKS PRETTY GOOD TO ME.
CERTAINLY DOES THE JOB.
DAMN IT,
THIS IS SHOTGUN WILLIE'S BUS.
THE LAST TIME
I WAS ON THIS BUS
WE WERE SHOOTING
"BLOODY MARY MORNING."
- WHOSE BUS?
- WILLIE GODDAMN NELSON.
- NOPE.
- HE MUST BE PLAYING THE BOWL.
IT'S NOT WILLIE NELSON'S BUS.
THIS IS YOUR BUS.
AND THAT, MY FRIEND,
IS ARNOLD, YOUR DRIVER.
HEY, I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- HEY, BROTHER.
- ARNOLD.
IT'S A PLEASURE.
PUT IT THERE.
- WHAT CHAPTER ARE YOU?
- FOURTH.
- FOURTH?
- COME ON ABOARD.
SHOW ME THE SIGHTS, ARNOLD.
WAS THIS WILLIE'S BUS ONCE?
- CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
- WHAT?
COME HERE, I NEED TO TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND.
- CAN I PUT THE BAGS DOWN?
- ARE YOU FUCKING...
WHAT IS GOING ON?
THE STUDIO IS
FUCKING PISSED, OKAY?
THEY KNOW
ABOUT THE ENTIRE TRIP.
HOW DO THEY KNOW?
BECAUSE MY ASSISTAN IS A FUCKING DICKHOLE
WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO
KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT.
THAT GUY OVER THERE,
THAT IS A SPY SENT FROM JACK.
HE'S ALSO A NURSE,
SO IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG,
YOU CAN LEAN ON HIM, BU THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO KNOW,
HE IS NOT ON OUR SIDE.
I'LL BE SLEEPING
ON THE COUCH IN HERE.
- UH-HUH.
- HERE'S YOUR WARDROBE IN HERE.
SHITTER IN HERE.
UH-HUH.
REFRIGERATOR.
TRASH.
COFFEE.
YOU GOT YOUR TV, YOUR STEREO,
AND SURROUND SOUND.
ATTICUS DOES NO HAVE MUCH FAMILY, ALL RIGHT?
I MEAN, YOU SOLD HIM DOWN
THE RIVER FUCKING YEARS AGO,
AND HE BARELY SEES ANNABEL.
- I SOLD HIM DOWN THE RIVER?
- YEAH, YOU DID.
HE WAS FUCKING AROUND ON MY
MOTHER LIKE THE ENERGIZER BUNNY.
- THAT'S MY FAULT?
- HE'S A COCKSMAN.
OH, THAT'S AN EXCUSE NOW,
- THAT HE'S A COCKSMAN?
- YES!
WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU
ABOUT THIS? I'M NOT YOUR SHRINK.
- I BARELY EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
- YOU FUCKING PROBABLY BROUGHT IT UP.
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE IN THIS
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- CALM DOWN.
- OKAY.
STOP, LISTEN, OKAY?
THE ONLY THING IN HIS GODDAMN
LIFE THAT HE HAS IS HIS WORK,
AND HE IS THIS CLOSE
TO LOSING IT.
SO DO ME A FAVOR, ALL RIGHT?
TAKE CARE OF HIM.
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW
HOW MUCH TIME YOU HAVE LEFT.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
FOR REAL, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
YEAH.
YOU EVER BEEN IN THE JOINT?
I DID A STRETCH
AT SAN QUENTIN.
ME, TOO.
WHAT'D THEY GET YOU FOR?
GRIEVOUS BODILY.
I DID TWO NIGHTS IN GEN POP
FOR PREPARATION FOR
"CROSS BAR."
YOU WERE BADASS IN THAT, MAN.
- I WAS.
- YEAH.
GUT-SHANKED A SCREW
WITH A TOOTHBRUSH.
AH!
LISTEN, MAN.
THIS KID'S
REALLY JAMMING ME UP.
COULD YOU GET ME SOME BOOZE AND
MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF... [SNIFFS]
YOU KNOW?
I'VE GOT 15 YEARS CLEAN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
CLEAN AND SOBER.
15... WHY?
BEST THING I EVER DONE,
BROTHER.
OH, COME ON, CUT THE CRAP.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE PAYING YOU...
- NOT HAPPENING.
- I'LL DOUBLE IT.
THE STUDIO GIVES ME
STUNTMAN WORK.
YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA
HOW MUCH THAT PAYS IN RESIDUALS?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
"IT CAME TO PASS
AFTER THE DEATH OF ABRAHAM,
GOD BLESSED HIS SON ISAAC.
ISAAC DWELT BY THE..."
[ADAM]
ARE YOU READING THE BIBLE?
YEAH.
WHY?
PREPARATION.
FOR WHAT? DEATH?
IT'S RESEARCH.
THERE'S MORE TO PLAYING GOD
THAN LEARNING
THE FUCKING LINES.
CAN YOU GET PORN ON THAT?
ONE COULD, I DON'T.
[ATTICUS]
LET'S HAVE A LOOK, COME ON.
HERE, GIVE ME THE...
WHAT DO YOU PRESS?
I'M LOOKING AT MARK
AND ANNABEL'S WEDDING REGISTRY.
MARK.
WHAT'S MARK'S BACKGROUND?
HE WAS A JOCK.
HE USED TO PLAY FOR THE CUBS.
HE USED TO BE THEIR STAR
PITCHER OR SOMETHING.
- HE RETIRED A FEW YEARS AGO.
- YEAH, YEAH, I DON'T NEED THE WHOLE BIOGRAPHY.
I MEAN...
IS HE FULL OF SHIT?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE SENT ME A BIRTHDAY CARD
ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I MEAN, WHAT SORT OF DIPSHI DOES THAT?
HE WANTED TO BE NICE
TO HIS FUTURE FATHER-IN-LAW.
MY GOD, WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
DO YOU TRUST HIM?
I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YEAH?
- ARNOLD...
- ARNOLD, YEAH.
...THE STUDIO SENT HIM
TO SPY ON YOU.
NO SHIT, REALLY?
WHAT, YOU KNEW?
I'M HIP TO IT.
- "HIP TO IT?"
- YEAH.
I CAN READ PEOPLE, ME.
THAT'S A LAUGH.
[ATTICUS]
$350 FOR A JAM JAR?
JESUS, IT'S OBSCENE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU CARE?
YOU'RE RICH.
YEAH, WELL I'M, NOT GOING TO SHELL OU THAT SORT OF MONEY FOR A JAM JAR.
AND FORGIVE MY ASKING, BUT DOESN' JAM ALREADY COME IN A JAR?
WHAT DO YOU DO BY THE WAY, EH?
FOR A LIVING?
SERIOUSLY,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I DO?
WELL...
MAYBE I FORGOT.
- I'M A DOCUMENTARIAN.
- NO!
I MAKE DOCUMENTARIES
ABOUT WOMEN IN FILM.
WHY HAVE YOU NEVER
INTERVIEWED ME?
I LOVE WOMEN.
HA!
"HA"?
WHAT DOES "HA" MEAN?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WHOA,
THIS IS A GREAT CAMPSITE.
YOU USED TO LOVE CAMPING
WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE.
YOU NEVER TOOK ME CAMPING.
- I DID.
- NO.
- I DID.
- NO, YOU DIDN'T.
- WELL, YOUR MOTHER DID.
- NO, SHE DIDN'T.
WELL, SHE SHOULD HAVE DONE.
THEY SAY THERE ARE BEARS HERE.
- WE IN BEAR COUNTRY?
- YEAH.
WE SURE ARE.
DON'T WANDER OFF.
THEY'LL RIP YOU APART.
YEAH?
I FUCKING HATE BEARS.
THEY'LL EAT YOU UP.
[WOMAN MOANING OVER TABLET]
[ATTICUS]
JESUS!
PORN'S SO FUCKING EXTREME
THESE DAYS.
YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR PILLS.
SMACKING A WOMAN WITH
THE TIP OF THE OLD WHITE SNAKE
DOESN'T DO IT FOR ME,
I'LL TELL YA.
THIS IS LIKE BASKETBALL.
HAVE YOU GOT ANY SALVE?
I CHAFE LIKE A CHALKBOARD.
YOU'RE NOT MASTURBATING
WITH MY IPAD.
- GIVE IT BACK TO ME...
- NOPE, NOPE. YOU CAN BUGGER OFF.
[ADAM]
ATTICUS GIVE IT BACK, PLEASE.
HERE WE ARE.
NICE CUP OF TEA.
THANKS.
HMM, DON'T MENTION IT.
"SEVEN ANGRY WOMEN."
[CHUCKLES]
"A STUDY IN 17 PARTS
ON THE GUIDING PRINCIPLE
OF THE FEMALE SPIRIT."
IS THIS
WHAT YOU'RE WORKING ON?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, IT'S NO A VERY CATCHY TITLE.
WELL, IT'S NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE CATCHY.
I MEAN, IT'S POST-POST MODERNIS DOCU-FEMINIST CRITICISM, SO...
POST-WHAT?
YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
YES, BUT WOULD ANYBODY?
IT'S A BIT MUDDLED.
OH, SHIT,
YOU'RE RIGHT, ATTICUS.
YOUR TWO-SECOND VISUAL SNATCH
OF MY WORK MUST BE RIGHT.
I MEAN, THAT'S EIGHT YEARS
OF MY LIFE.
EIGHT YEARS OF MY LIFE.
BUT YOU THINK IT'S MUDDLED.
YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT.
MAYBE I'LL JUST CHUCK IT, RIGHT?
IT WAS JUST AN OBSERVATION.
YEAH, THANKS FOR THAT.
TOUCHY.
[BEAR GROWLING OVER SPEAKERS]
[ATTICUS]
THERE'S A BEAR IN THE BACK!
- THERE'S A BEAR!
- SHIT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- THERE'S A BEAR IN THE BACK!
- AH!
IN THE BACK OF THE BUS!
IN THE BACK OF THE BUS!
THERE'S A BEAR!
THERE'S A BEAR!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[ADAM COUGHING]
OH, JESUS.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
HEY, WHERE'S ATTICUS?
I'M HERE.
WHERE THE HELL'S ARNOLD?
- I KILLED HIM.
- WHAT?
CHOKED HIM TO DEATH
IN HIS SLEEP,
BURIED HIM UNDER A TEEPEE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE JUMPED SHIP.
WELL, NOW I GOTTA CALL JIMMY.
NO, NO, NO,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
- NO.
- ADAM, ADAM, ADAM, ADAM, ADAM.
SON...
LISTEN, I WASN'T GOING TO
TELL YOU THIS,
I DIDN'T WANT TO
LAY IT ON YOU, BUT...
YOU'RE BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE,
I'VE GOT TO.
NO, WAIT.
LIKE JIMMY SAID,
MAYBE YOU AND I
SHOULD GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
- OH, GOD.
- MAKE UP.
PUT THINGS RIGHT BETWEEN US.
OH, THIS SHOULD BE GOOD.
I'M ALL EARS, ATTICUS.
WHAT KIND OF THINGS?
WELL, YOU KNOW, THINGS.
I MEAN...
[CLEARS THROAT]
WELL, I CAN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING...
THAT I CAN... IT'S HARD TO KNOW
WHERE TO START.
I MEAN, UM...
- [STAMMERING]
- WOW, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY,
LISTEN TO ME,
I'M TRYING...
I MEAN,
WE HARDLY KNOW EACH OTHER.
IT'S BEEN 15 YEARS.
I'M GONNA BE GONE SOON.
OH, JESUS.
IT'S NOT THAT I...
- [PHONE SHATTERS, TIRES SCREECH]
- THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO?
- [CAR HORN HONKS]
- [WOMAN] ASSHOLE!
I THREW YOUR PHONE
OUT OF THE WINDOW.
WHAT THE FUCK, ATTICUS?
I NEED MY PHONE!
- I'M EXPECT...
- OH, CALM DOWN.
NO, I NEED MY FUCKING PHONE!
WHAT'S SO IMPORTAN ABOUT YOUR PHONE ANYWAY?
I HAVE TO CALL CLEMMY.
WHO'S CLAMMY?
CLEM, MY PARTNER.
OH. THAT'S A SURPRISE.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO GUYS
BEEN TOGETHER?
OH, VERY FUNNY.
SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE TO
INFANTILIZE HER, ALL RIGHT?
SHE'S NOT A GIRL.
SHE'S A WOMAN.
- NOT THAT YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE...
- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
- VEGAS, 21 MILES.
- OH...
- WELL!
- WE'RE NOT GOING TO VEGAS!
WE BETTER GET SOME BREAKFAST,
BUILD UP OUR STRENGTH,
IT'S GONNA BE
ONE HELL OF A NIGHT.
YOU THINK THERE'S SUGAR
IN THE OATMEAL?
PROBABLY.
I LOVED YOU
IN "DEEP STACK JOHNSON."
- DID YOU?
- YEAH!
THANK YOU.
I PLAYED A GAMBLER.
- HE DID.
- HMM.
I WAS QUITE GOOD ACTUALLY.
I'LL HAVE THE BREAKFAS PLATE COMBO AND SOME F...
NO, HASH BROWNS AND, UM...
A COUPLE OF THOSE
APPLE THINGS.
DO YOU WANT ME TO BIGGY-SIZE
THAT FOR YOU?
ABSOLUTELY.
I HAVEN'T GOT ANY CASH.
YOU...
OF COURSE.
- DO YOU WANT A COFFEE?
- NO.
OATMEAL.
OATMEAL. OKAY.
CAN I JUST POINT OUT, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE EATING HEALTHY,
NOT CLOGGING UP THA FILTHY BLACK HEART OF YOURS?
THIS IS EGGS, POTATO,
- SAUSAGE.
- WHATEVER.
I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER.
MY MOTHER DRANK TWO DRY MARTINIS
EVERY NIGHT TILL SHE WAS 96,
AND SHE'S YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
YEAH, I KINDA
PUT THAT TOGETHER.
MM, THIS IS SO GOOD.
THERE'S DEFINITELY
SUGAR IN THIS.
YOU USED TO LOVE SUGAR.
YEAH, WELL, SUGAR'S POISON.
SEE, WE'RE BASICALLY BEING
SODOMIZED BY MONSANTO RIGHT NOW.
I USED TO SLIP
A PACKET OF M&MS INTO
YOUR SCHOOLBAG, REMEMBER?
WHEN YOUR MOTHER
WASN'T LOOKING.
PUT THAT IN THE PLUS COLUMN,
WOULD YOU?
YOU KNOW THAT WASN'T BULLSHI ABOUT FEELING OLD.
THIS COULD BE
THE END OF THE LINE.
LOOK, AFTER THE OPERATION,
YOU'LL PROBABLY BE HUMPING
SOME EXTRA'S LEG IN NO TIME.
NO, COME ON.
THOSE BIG OPERATIONS,
YOU KNOW...
THEY REALLY FUCK YOU UP.
YOU'RE AGING. IT HAPPENS.
WE'RE BASICALLY ALL
JUST BORN TO DIE.
I HAPPEN TO THINK
THAT WE'RE BORN TO LIVE.
OH, THAT'S PROFOUND.
WELL, LISTEN, I'VE GO FIVE NIGHTS LEFT.
FIVE NIGHTS
BEFORE WE GET TO THE WEDDING
AND THEY CUT ME OPEN
AND GOD KNOWS
WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
THIS IS LIKE THE LAS FLIGHT OF THE SHUTTLE
BEFORE THEY RETIRE IT.
- OH, GOD.
- THIS COULD BE MY LAST RUN.
PLEASE STOP TALKING
IN METAPHORS.
YOU'RE EITHER FOR ME
OR AGAINST ME.
AND GOD HELP YOU
IF YOU'RE AGAINST ME.
- JESUS, WATCH IT.
- HEY!
[ATTICUS]
THANKS VERY MUCH.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WHO'S DRIVING?
HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN ASLEEP?
A COUPLE HOURS.
WHAT? A COUPLE OF HOURS?
JESUS.
MUST HAVE NEEDED IT.
HAVE WE PASSED VEGAS?
YEP.
OH, GOD.
PULL OFF AT THE NEXT EXIT.
WE'VE GOT TO TURN THE BUS
AROUND AND GO BACK.
SORRY, PAPA BEAR,
HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.
YOU KNOW,
YOU USED TO BE A GOOD ACTOR.
HAD GREAT PROMISE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU WALKED AWAY FROM IT.
OH, I WONDER WHY.
MM, SO DID I.
LACK OF BALLS, BOY.
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE FATHER.
OH, COME ON.
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE,
LAY OFF ME, CAN'T YOU?
I GOT ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE,
I'M LIVING ON BORROWED TIME.
YEAH, WELL, WE ALL ARE.
MAYBE IT WOULDN'T BE THE WORST THING
IN THE WORLD IF WE DID SOME BONDING.
OKAY.
HOW DO YOU WANT TO START?
SHOULD WE HAVE A HUG IN?
WHAT WAS YOUR FATHER LIKE?
OH, JESUS CHRIST,
- YOU'RE GONNA START THERE?
- WHAT?
I WAS FOUR WHEN HE DIED.
I BARELY KNEW HIM.
YEAH, WELL, WELL,
LET'S JUST...
SAY HE WAS DIFFICULT TO TALK TO
AND LEAVE IT AT THAT.
DID HE SEE ANY OF YOUR MOVIES?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
[SCOFFS]
DO YOU THINK
HE WAS PROUD OF YOU AT LEAST?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS?
WHY ARE YOU SO UNCOMFORTABLE
TALKING ABOUT YOUR FATHER?
I'M NOT...
HEY, HEY, HEY,
WE GOT A SITUATION.
OH! HELLO!
HEY, SWEETHEART.
WHOA! HA!
HI, GIRLIES.
HONK THE HORN.
I'M NOT GONNA HONK THE HORN.
HEY! HONK THE HORN.
HONK THE HORN.
- NO.
- THEY WAVED AT ME!
- GO ON, HONK THE HORN.
- NO.
[STAMMERS]
GO FASTER.
- HIT THEM! HIT THEM!
- NO!
GO ON, JUST HIT THEM!
- NO!
- JUST HIT THEM.
- HONK THE HORN AND HIT THEM.
- STOP. STOP!
OH, JESUS.
THEY'RE GETTING AWAY.
WE LOST THEM.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
A GREAT WAY TO BOND.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
HEY.
I LOVE YOU.
WHAT?
NOTHING.
[ANNOUNCER] DON'T GO ANYWHERE
BECAUSE WHEN WE RETURN...
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE'RE WATCHING THIS CRAP
SITTING IN THE BACK
OF A FUCKING BUS
IN A SEARS PARKING LOT.
IT'S A WALMART.
- [URINATING]
- WELL, WHATEVER.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A STAR.
I HAVEN'T LIVED
IN THESE CRAMPED CONDITIONS
SINCE I WAS IN THE ARMY.
YOU WERE NEVER IN THE ARMY.
WELL, I MADE SO MANY ARMY FILMS,
I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN.
LISTEN,
I'M GONNA GO ON A PIZZA RUN.
[WOMAN]
HI, MR. SMITH.
THIS IS DR. KHAZAR'S OFFICE
CALLING TO SET UP
A FOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENT.
PLEASE CALL US...
[COINS CLATTER]
[PHONE RINGING]
- HEY.
- HEY.
OH, MY GOD. I'M SO SORRY
I HAVEN'T CALLED.
ATTICUS THREW MY PHONE
OUT THE WINDOW.
WHY ARE YOU
RESEARCHING UROLOGISTS?
WHAT?
GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE
RESEARCHING VASECTOMIES AGAIN.
HANG ON A SECOND, WHY WERE YOU
LOOKING AT MY SEARCH HISTORY?
ISN'T THAT KIND OF
A BREACH OF TRUST?
YOU DON'T YOU THINK
THAT CLANDESTINE
VASECTOMY RESEARCH
IS MORE OF A BREACH?
- VASECTOMIES?
- ADAM, I THOUGHT YOU WERE OVER THIS.
I THOUGHT WE WERE OVER THIS.
ARE YOU TRYING TO AVOID
HAVING KIDS WITH ME?
- NO. NO.
- REALLY?
'CAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE IT.
- LOOK, I'M NOT...
- LISTEN, I HAVE TO CONCENTRATE
ON MY DOCUMENTARY
FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS.
LET'S JUST TALK AT ANNABEL'S
WEDDING, OKAY?
I MEAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE'RE BACK HERE AGAIN.
I PROMISE I WON'T RESEARCH
VASECTOMIES ANYMORE, OKAY?
[MAN] HEY, CLEM, WE'RE GOING
TO DO A MIX OF THE FIRST CUE.
I GOTTA GO.
I'M IN THE RECORDING STUDIO.
OKAY. I LOVE YOU.
YOU, TOO. BYE.
I THOUGHT OF
TYING MY NUTS ONCE.
BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
OF COURSE, IF I HAD,
I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD YOUR SISTER.
I'M ALL FOR IT.
I THINK...
I THINK THEY CAN BE GREAT.
IF YOU WANT... MY TWO CENTS.
I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT ADVICE,
I'M AFRAID.
DO YOU EVER
SHUT THE FUCK UP?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
TO MY
ACHING GLOW
YOU GOT A HOLD OF ME NOW
HOW YOU RENDERED
SLOW
BUT HOTTER THAN HELL
TO MY BURN
I'M LOOKING FOR
MY OLD MANS' SHOES
I'M KICKING OFF
THESE OLD TOWN BLUES
- OH...
- DON'T LEAVE ME HERE
'CAUSE I JUST WON'T SURVIVE
DO YOU THINK HE HAS TO SHOUT?
"ABRAHAM, GIVE ME A SON!"
HE SHOULD HAVE GRAVITAS.
HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO SHOUT,
GOD, WOULD HE?
HE'D HAVE SOMEONE
TO RELAY IT FOR HIM.
PERHAPS HE COULD TELEPHONE.
BUT, I MEAN, IF YOU DID,
THEN YOU COULD HAVE,
YOU COULD HEAR ABRAHAM
REPLYING THROUGH THE... YOU KNOW,
THAT SORT OF TELEPHONE VOICE.
THAT WOULD BE QUITE MODERN,
WOULDN'T IT?
HE'S THE SPIRI OF A YOUNG MAN MOURNING
BUT LIKE THE SHADOW
OF A CARVING KNIFE
HE'S NOT THE DANGER,
BUT THE WARNING SIGN
AND WE'RE KICKING OFF EASY
HEY
OH, I CAN'T SEEM TO MOVE
I'M PARALYZED
I'M CHOKING
ON MY HOLY MOOD...
WOW, I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE
SINCE WE SHOT "THROWDOWN."
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU KEPT I ALL THESE YEARS.
THIS IS WHERE
I WANT TO BE BURIED.
I'LL HAVE TO THROW A ROCK
THROUGH THE WINDOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE
I LEFT THE KEYS.
WE SHOULD MAYBE...
BOBBY MUST HAVE OPENED IT UP.
I'LL SEE
IF HE'S TURNED ON THE WATER.
[DOOR CREAKS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- ATTICUS?
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
FUCK IT.
YOU SHOULD COME IN, ADAM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THE OLD
COOCH POT IS STILL WORKING.
- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- YOU'RE DRINKING?
A LITTLE APERITIF.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
YOU CAN'T EVEN WAI TILL THE OPERATION?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
A RED-THROATED LOON?
THEY'RE VERY RARE
AND THEY'RE VERY SHY.
AND I THINK...
THAT'S ONE SITTING
ON THE BRANCH OVER THERE.
HAVE A LOOK.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY.
EVERYONE SHOULD BE
SO LUCKY, RIGHT?
ADAM, COME ON.
I'M HALF IRISH
FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
ANYWAY, ISN'T THERE SOME KIND OF
RULE ABOUT DRINKING IN HOT TUBS?
YES, THERE IS.
IT SAYS "DO IT."
I THINK THAT'S A BALD EAGLE.
I ONCE SHOT A BALD EAGLE.
NEVER FORGIVEN MYSELF FOR IT.
WHY DID YOU CHEAT ON MOM?
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO
AND TELL HER?
I DIDN'T FUCKING TELL HER.
OH, COME ON, ADAM,
IT'S 15 YEARS AGO.
SURELY, YOU'VE GOT THE BALLS
TO FESS UP TO IT BY NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT? BELIEVE
WHATEVER YOU WANT. I KNOW.
YOU SCREWED ME FINANCIALLY.
YOU FUCKED UP THE FAMILY.
- OH, I FUCKED UP THE FAMILY?
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? TAKE SOME
RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
YOU KNOW, YOU GO AROUND,
YOU HURT PEOPLE,
YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW IT EATS THEM UP INSIDE.
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF?
YES, OF COURSE I AM!
WELL, WHY ARE YOU
USING THE THIRD PERSON?
DON'T DO THAT.
IT'S VERY CONFUSING.
WHY AM I EVEN BOTHERING
HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOU?
YOU'RE INCAPABLE OF TALKING
LIKE A HUMAN BEING
BECAUSE YOU'RE A HOLLOW
HUSK OF A MAN.
JUST COOL IT.
- JUST ENJOY THE EVENING.
- OH, GO FUCK YOURSELF
LIVE IN THE WORLD, NOT IN YOUR
OWN BLOODY HEAD ALL THE TIME!
[PHONE VIBRATING]
SON OF A BITCH.
JIMMY, IT'S ADAM.
HEY, YOU DON'T FUCK
WITH AN ANGEL.
YOU TRYING TO GET US
ON THEIR SHIT LIST?
NOW I GOT TO WORRY ABOU THE STUNTMEN'S UNION?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW?
ATTICUS DID ALL THAT,
ALL RIGHT?
HE DRUGGED ME, THEN HE THREW
MY PHONE OUT THE WINDOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT, JIMMY?
YOU NEED TO GET HERE NOW.
YOU GOTTA GE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
SORRY, I'M...
I'M AT A DOG SHOW RIGHT NOW.
THERE'S A DOG NAMED
MICKEY ON MY LAP RIGHT NOW
THAT SMELLS LIKE CHANEL,
AND MY NERVES
ARE FRAYED, MAN.
JACK JUST CALLED AND SAID HE'S
INCHES AWAY FROM REPLACING ATTICUS
WITH DONALD SUTHERLAND
FOR GOD.
I LIKE DONALD SUTHERLAND.
WHAT ARE YOU...
WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?
LOOK, I BOOKED HIM
ON CHARLIE'S SHOW.
IT'LL BE GOOD,
THE STUDIO WILL SEE I AND FEEL LIKE
EVERYTHING IS OKAY.
YEAH, WELL,
HE'S NOT OKAY, ALL RIGHT?
HE'S DRINKING LIKE A MADMAN.
MY GOD, THEN PULL THE BOTTLE
OUT OF HIS MOUTH!
AND HE'S EATING
A BUNCH OF SUGAR.
THEN FEED HIM
DIABETIC COOKIES!
LOOK, JIMMY...
THERE'S A LOT OF UNCERTAINTY
IN MY LIFE.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS.
LISTEN THE ONLY THING
YOU HAVE TO DO,
THE ONLY THING, IS MAKE SURE
HE GETS THERE CLEAN,
SOBER AND ALIVE.
MY DOG IS MISSING A LEG.
I GOT A THREE-LEGGED DOG
AND HE'S ABOUT TO COMPETE
IN AN OBSTACLE COURSE.
A PIECE OF THE OBSTACLE COURSE IS
LITERALLY HIM JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS.
HOOP AFTER HOOP AFTER HOOP.
[ATTICUS YELLING]
DO YOU HEAR ME?
TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA MAN UP!
ALL RIGHT,
JUST GET IT DONE, OKAY?
- GOOD-BYE. GOOD-BYE.
- [GROANS]
I WANT ANOTHER DRINK.
JUST GET ME ANOTHER BOTTLE.
WE DON'T HAVE ANOTHER DRINK.
[GROANING, MUTTERING]
YOU'RE A RAT.
YOU'RE A RAT, YOU ARE.
WHAT GOES ON SET,
STAYS ON SET.
YOU OUGHT TO REMEMBER THAT.
IF I TEACH YOU ANYTHING...
IF I TEACH YOU ANYTHING,
IT'S THAT.
YOU'RE A RAT.
YOU'RE... GO FUCKING...
GO IN A HOLE,
YOUR RAT HOLE.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
AGE CANNOT WITHER HER,
NOR CUSTOM STALE.
AH.
I HAD MY FIRST KISS
IN THIS CAR.
ELLIE THE MAKEUP GIRL.
I WAS 15, SHE WAS 25.
YEAH.
I PAID HER A HUNDRED DOLLARS
TO TAKE YOUR VIRGINITY.
WAIT, WHAT?
SHE TOLD ME
YOU CHICKENED OUT.
BIT RUDE CONSIDERING
IT WAS A GIFT.
COME ON, LET'S SHIT,
SHOWER AND SHAVE.
WE'RE WASTING DAYLIGHT.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
AH-HA!
YEAH, SHE'S LIKE A LION!
PUT THEM ON THE BACKSEAT.
OH, AND JUST FOR THE RECORD,
I DID LOSE MY VIRGINITY
IN THE BACKSEAT OF THIS CAR
WITH ELLIE AND ISABEL.
YEAH, THAT ISABEL.
GOOD GOD.
WELL, I NEVER KNEW
THAT WE CROSSED SWORDS.
WITH MY ISABEL? AH.
NICE WORK, SALOON BOY.
OOH, OOH
OOH, OOH, OOH
OOH, OOH, OOH,
OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH
ALL I GOT
ALL I LOST
I GOT NOTHING
SAID NOTHING
TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
SAID OH, OH, HEY
THAT'S RIGHT
AND I AIN'T
GOT NOTHING I CAN'T DROP
TO WATCH THE LIGHT
ON AND THROUGH THE DAY
CHANGING LANES
TILL I HITCH A RIDE
FOR HEAVEN
AND NOTHING THAT I GAIN
COFFEE IN THE RAIN
EVERYTHING THE SAME
BUT LIFE IS GOOD...
[LINE RINGING]
[RECORDING] HEY, IT'S CLEM.
PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE.
- SHIT.
- [BEEP]
HMM.
YOU KNOW, THAT MIGHT QUALIFY
AS THE BEST SHIT OF MY LIFE.
- OH, JESUS, YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
- IS THAT MY PHONE?
THAT IS PRIVATE
AND VERY PERSONAL PROPERTY.
CLEMENTINE'S NO PICKING UP MY CALLS.
WELL, SHE PROBABLY
DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
IT WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME.
YOU DID LIE TO HER.
I DIDN'T LIE TO HER.
NO?
- IT'S COMPLICATED.
- ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LOOK, YOU DRIVE,
ALL RIGHT?
THAT DUMP'S EXHAUSTED ME.
BUT DON'T GET USED TO IT.
[ENGINE STARTS]
- SEAT BEL - FUCK OFF.
240 NORTH VAN BUREN.
GOD, IF THIS BOOK
COULD TALK.
ARE YOU SURE
THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?
- ABSOLUTELY.
- WHO IS SHE?
SHE WAS A CATERER
ON A SERIAL KILLER MOVIE I DID
TO PAY FOR THE DIVORCE
YOU CAUSED.
DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER?
[ATTICUS]
DOES THE POPE HAVE A BALCONY?
[ADAM]
WHY'D I EVEN ASK?
[ATTICUS]
NUMBER 60.
[ADAM]
GREAT.
[ATTICUS]
WOW.
[ADAM]
OH, THIS IS SO WRONG.
[ATTICUS]
OH, YEAH.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
YOU WAIT TILL YOU SEE HER.
HEL...
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU... NO, I NEVER
THOUGHT I'D SEE YOU AGAIN.
WELL, WELL,
YOU'RE A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES.
WHAT IS HE DOING? MM!
- WHOA
- HEY. UH, HELLO.
THIS IS MY SON, ADAM.
REMEMBER?
I TOLD YOU ABOUT HIM.
OH, ADAM, YES.
APPLE OF YOUR EYE. HI.
- DID I SAY THAT?
- YES, YOU DID SAY THAT.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
- YOU DID SAY THAT.
WHO ARE YOU?
CHRIST, THAT'S NOT MINE IS IT?
IT? SHE IS EIGHT,
AND I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
IN 13 YEARS.
OH, THANK GOD.
YOU MARRIED A DAMN FINE
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, D.D.
LOOK AT HER. LOOK AT HER.
- STOP.
- OH, HEY, NOW, AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?
HOW DO YOU KNOW EACH OTHER?
- WELL, WE WORKED...
- WE WERE LOVERS.
SHIT.
LOOK, I THINK
WE SHOULD BE HONEST.
I TRY TO BE TRUTHFUL
IN MY LIFE, AND...
IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO,
BUT WE LAY TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW, I AM GOING TO GO
CHECK ON THE FOOD.
HONEY, ELIZA, WHY DON'T YOU
COME WITH ME SWEETIE?
YEAH, WELL...
IT TAKES A REAL MAN...
TO SAY WHAT YOU
JUST SAID TO ME...
IN MY OWN HOME.
I RESPECT THAT.
AND...
I LOVED YOU IN "JIVE ASS."
OH, WOW!
YOU'RE A GENEROUS MAN, D.D.
YOUR FATHER IS ONE
TALENTED BASTARD.
YEAH.
D.D., LISTEN,
YOU'RE A MAN OF THE CLOTH.
A DEACON.
WOULD YOU LET ME
PICK YOUR BRAINS?
- OH, BY ALL MEANS.
- YOU SEE, I'M ON A QUEST,
I'M ON A JOURNEY,
I'M TRYING
TO GET CLOSER TO GOD.
I'M TRYING TO GE INSIDE GOD.
GOD'S A WOMAN.
YEAH, SHE MAY WELL BE, BUT...
OH, SHE MAY WELL BE, HUH?
SHE IS.
WHAT I'M REALLY INTERESTED IN
IS WHETHER YOU CAN
GIVE ME ANY ADVICE
OF THE SPIRITUAL SORT,
I MEAN,
PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.
[ADAM]
SWINE.
I'D BE VERY HONORED
TO LISTEN TO IT.
WELL...
THE SPIRIT IS LIKE A RIVER.
AND ALL YOU NEED TO DO
IS GET OUT OF ITS WAY AND JUS LET THAT RIVER FLOW THROUGH YOU.
- JUST FLOW.
- FLOW.
THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.
YOU'RE A WISE MAN.
NO, I'M JUST A MAN,
JUST LIKE YOU.
I HOPE EVERYONE LIKES STEAK.
OH, HE'S A VEGETARIAN, BUT JUS THROW HIM SOME MASHED POTATO.
OH, MAN, I NEVER
UNDERSTOOD VEGETARIANS.
NOR ME, D.D.
THIS LOOKS GREAT.
GOODNESS ME.
I HAVE TO TELL YOU,
THE ROAD
GIVES YOU AN APPETITE.
- [ADELA LAUGHS]
- YES.
BLESS, THIS FOOD, OH, LORD,
FOR OUR USE,
AND US TO THY SERVICE,
AND KEEP US EVER MINDFUL
OF THOSE IN NEED.
AND BLESS OUR NEW FRIENDS
YOU HAVE BROUGHT TO THIS TABLE
IN LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP.
IN JESUS' NAME, AMEN.
[ALL]
AMEN.
[ADELA CHUCKLES]
WE BOW OUR HEADS,
GREAT AND ALL-KNOWING FATHER,
TO PRAISE THEE
FOR THY BOUNTY,
REPRESENTED TODAY
AS MEAT,
MASHED POTATO
AND SWEET FRUIT.
HOSANNA IN THE HIGHEST.
AMEN.
[DEACON]
AMEN.
TELL ME,
IS THERE A FOUR SEASONS
OR A RED ROOF INN?
- YES, WE HAVE A...
- [DEACON] NO, NO, NO, NO!
YOU'LL STAY WITH US.
- [ADAM] NO.
- NO, WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY IMPOSE.
THE TWINS ARE OVER-NIGHTING
AT THEIR FRIEND JOEL'S HOUSE,
SO YOU CAN TAKE THEIR ROOM.
YOU HAVE TWINS?
YES, TWINS.
- AGE?
- OH, NO, NO.
- OH, THEY'RE BABIES.
- YES. [LAUGHS]
- WELL...
- YEAH.
THAT'S ENORMOUSLY GENEROUS.
[ANNABEL ON PHONE]
HE'S YOUR FATHER, ADAM.
START ACTING LIKE IT.
JUST BECAUSE HE'S YOUR FATHER
DOESN'T MEAN HE HAS TO BE MINE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR CHICKENSHI DADDY ISSUES, I'M GETTING...
YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR EYES
TO THIS WHOLE PARADIGM
I'M TRYING TO LAY OUT FOR YOU, WHICH IS
OUR FATHER'S THE GODDAMN ANTICHRIST.
OKAY, I'M GETTING MARRIED
IN A FEW DAYS.
- OH, YOU GOTTA GO?
- I GOTTA GO.
FINE, I DON'T CARE.
I GOTTA GO, I'M BUSY.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
[SNORING]
[CHUCKLES]
I MEAN, THOSE BEDS,
I HIBERNATED LIKE A BEAR.
I DIDN'T EVEN TURN OVER,
I WAS SO COMFY AND COZY.
ANYBODY WOULD LIKE
SOME FRESH...
WHAT DOES "A.C." STAND FOR?
I BELIEVE IT STANDS FOR
ANTI-CHRIST, ELIZA.
CAN YOU PASS THE GRITS, PLEASE?
THANK YOU.
[PHONE RINGING]
[RECORDING]
YOUR CALL HAS BEEN FORWARDED
TO AN AUTOMATIC VOICE
MESSAGING SERVICE.
[BEEP]
IT'S NATURAL, ISN'T IT,
TO BE WORRIED ABOU BRINGING A CHILD
INTO THIS WORLD
WHERE THERE'S GLOBAL WARMING,
THERE'S OVERPOPULATION?
I THINK
THOSE ARE JUST EXCUSES.
POLAR BEARS FLOATING AROUND
ON TINY FUCKING ICECAPS,
THAT'S EXCUSES? NO,
THAT'S DOWN TO YOUR GENERATION.
WHO AM I, HENRY FORD?
I BET YOU VOTED
FOR RONALD REAGAN.
I DID NOT.
HE'S A TERRIBLE ACTOR.
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIM.
I'VE NEVER VOTED FOR ANYBODY.
MY GOD,
YOUR APATHY IS UNBELIEVABLE.
DO YOU WAN MY ADVICE OR NOT?
- FINE.
- DO WHAT I DO,
FOLLOW YOUR TRUE NATURE.
YOU SHOULD TAKE WHAT YOU'VE
LEARNED FROM CLAMMY AND MOVE ON.
I MEAN, WE LEARN MORE
FROM OUR MISTAKES
THAN FROM OUR SUCCESSES,
YOU KNOW?
SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN
FROM "FIVE DAY FUCK"?
WELL, NOW, THAT WAS
A SUCCESSFUL FILM,
ARTISTICALLY SPEAKING,
SO I DIDN'T LEARN VERY MUCH.
KEEP YOUR EYE OU FOR A PHARMACY,
I NEED TO BUY SOME ASTRINGENT.
WHY?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[GLASS BREAKS, AIR HISSING]
WHOA, THAT'S A BIG GUY.
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD LEARN
SOMETHING FROM HIM.
HE'S LARGER THAN LIFE,
HE'S HIS OWN MAN...
- AND HE'S JOLLY.
- HEY.
HE'S A STRONGMAN
MADE OF VEGETABLES.
OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
OH, GOD.
I'M JUST TRYING TO
CHEER YOU UP A BIT!
[WOMAN] NO, SAMUEL,
THIS DOES NOT COUNT AS A DATE.
- [SAMUEL] REALLY?
- ADAM, DON'T... NO, NO, NO,
DON'T DO THAT!
- ADAM, STOP THAT.
- [ADAM GRUNTING]
LOOK, YOU DON'T THROW ROCKS
AT THE GIANT!
OH, GREAT! THE TIRE'S FLAT!
GODDAMN IT,
NOW WE'RE STUCK HERE.
WELL, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
YOU RAN OVER THESE BOTTLES.
WELL, WHAT ARE THEY DOING
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD?
LITTERING.
JESUS, THIS COUNTRY.
I MEAN...
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE
A NATIONAL MONUMENT, I THINK.
IF IT'S NOT, IT SHOULD BE.
PEOPLE SHOULD TAKE CARE OF IT.
OH, MY GOD.
WHY DON'T YOU LOOK IN THE
GLOVE BOX AND GET THE MANUAL?
HOW THE FUCK DON'T YOU KNOW
HOW TO CHANGE A TIRE?
I'M AN ACTOR,
FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
SOMEONE LITERALLY
GIVES ME A PIECE OF PAPER
AT THE END OF EACH DAY
TO TELL ME WHA I'M DOING THE NEXT ONE.
THERE'S NO MANUAL.
WELL, HOW COME
YOU CAN'T CHANGE A TIRE?
YOU'RE NOT EVEN FAMOUS.
BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE
A FATHER TO TEACH ME.
OH, BOO-HOO.
GOD, YOUR GENERATION,
YOU'RE SO SQUISHY.
MY FATHER NEVER TOLD ME
THAT HE LOVED ME.
LOVE?
THAT'S HYSTERICAL.
I WOULD HAVE SETTLED
FOR A BIRTHDAY CARD ONCE
- IN THE LAST 15 YEARS.
- OH, WELL,
YOU'VE GOT YOUR NEW
BROTHER-IN-LAW FOR THAT NOW.
- WELL, THERE'S NO SIGNAL.
- EXCUSE ME.
- WAIT!
- EXCUSE ME...
WAIT. WAIT!
GO ON, CATCH HIM, CATCH HIM.
WAIT! WAIT!
- GO ON, ADAM.
- WAIT! FUCK!
[WOMEN CHUCKLING]
YOU GUYS OKAY?
HEY.
- YOU ALL RIGHT?
- WHAT? JESUS!
YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE
A SPARE TIRE.
WHAT?
WHAT DO WE DO?
I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD
GIVE US A LIF INTO THE NEXT TOWN
WITH A GARAGE?
WELL, WE'RE CAMPING ABOUT FIVE
MILES UP THE ROAD FOR THE NIGHT.
WE CAN TAKE YOU
IN THE MORNING.
- NO, I THINK...
- ARE YOU SLEEPING IN TENTS?
YEAH.
UH, THAT'D BE FINE,
THAT'D BE FINE.
THAT'S PERFECT.
- GREAT.
- YEAH.
- YES.
- HOW ARE YOU GETTING ON WITH THAT WHEEL?
- I GOT IT.
- YOU GOT IT?
- MM-HMM.
- WHOA, LOOK AT THAT.
WE'RE IN BUSINESS.
YOU'RE ATTICUS SMITH.
- YES.
- YES, YOU ARE.
I DRESSED UP AS YOU IN "COPS
AND SLOBBERS" FOR HALLOWEEN.
- NO.
- YEAH.
I HOPE NOBODY DRESSED UP
AS SLOBBERS.
MIND YOU,
HE'S A WONDERFUL DOG.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- MY BOYFRIEND DRESSED UP AS SLOBBERS.
- DID HE?
- YEAH.
DID HE GET THE DROOL?
OH, HE GOT THE DROOL
PERFECTLY.
WE USED LUBE.
[ATTICUS]
THIS IS A GREAT BUS.
WHERE'D YOU FIND IT?
WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO SFO
AND WE SAW THIS OLD HIPPIE
SELLING THE BUS, SO...
YAHOO BOUGHT OUR COMPANY LAS YEAR AND WE HAVE ALL THIS MONEY,
SO WE FIGURE WE MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH IT.
- WHY NOT?
- IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
- YOLO, RIGHT?
- WHAT?
WE SPENT FOUR DAYS AT A PHREAKER
FESTIVAL IN THE SALT FLATS.
IT GOT WEIRD.
OH, WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT,
BUT WHAT THE HELL?
- [LAUGHTER]
- WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
THAT'S JOHNNY.
HE OWNS THE COMPANY.
HE'S EXHAUSTED.
AND THIS IS WISDOM,
HE'S OUR SHAMAN.
WE'RE PAYING HIM.
FUCK IT.
[GULPS]
THAT'S GOOD.
- [HOWLING, WARBLING]
- I THINK I'LL JUST...
...STICK TO DEWAR'S.
- HAVEN'T GOT ANY ICE, HAVE YOU?
- [YELPS]
SODA WATER OR ANYTHING?
ATTICUS.
- ATTICUS.
- OH, ALL RIGHT.
VIVA CARLOS
CASTA-FUCKING-NEDA.
- MMM.
- THERE THEY GO.
WHOO! WHOO!
HEY! HEY!
[LAUGHS]
[ADAM]
I SEE A CORRIDOR OF FIRE.
- [WISDOM] RIGHT, RIGHT, GOOD.
- I'M IN A CORRIDOR OF FIRE.
[WISDOM] RIGHT, I WANT YOU, YOU
KNOW, YOU NEED TO RUN THROUGH THAT.
- YOU NEED TO RUN THROUGH THAT.
- I THINK I'M CHANGING.
I MIGHT BE AN EAGLE.
- I THINK I'M AN EAGLE.
- BEAUTIFUL.
[ATTICUS]
I SHOT AN EAGLE ONCE.
I ATE IT TOO. DON'T THINK
I'LL EVER GET OVER IT.
[SHUDDERS]
I'M IN A BLACK PIT.
I THINK THIS STUFF'S
PRETTY WEAK.
- IT'S COLD.
- I DIDN'T FEEL A THING.
WHAT'S THAT?
ARE THOSE MY FEATHERS?
HAVE YOU TAKEN MY FEATHERS?
- [MUTTERING]
- HAVE YOU BEEN PLUCKING ME?
NO, THOSE ARE YOUR FEATHERS.
[WARBLING]
ARE YOU OKAY?
YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN?
NO, NO, NO, IT'S GOOD.
IT'S GOOD.
- DO YOU WANT TO SWAP SEATS?
- IT'S GOOD.
IT'S GOOD.
- YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE...
- IT'S GOOD.
DO I NEED TO SIGN SOMETHING?
YOU DON'T NEED
TO SIGN ANYTHING.
- YOU SURE?
- I'M SURE.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
GO ON, LITTLE ONE.
[BOTH]
ONE, TWO, THREE.
[GRUNTS]
[NICOLE]
NOT THAT YOU'RE NOT SEXY,
BUT YOU'RE LIKE
MY GRANDFATHER'S AGE.
- AH.
- I DIDN'T HURT YOUR FEELINGS, DID I?
NO, NO, NO.
I'M MUCH TOO OLD
TO HAVE FEELINGS.
NO, NO, NO.
OKAY.
[BUS HORN HONKS]
WELL, THAT WAS A BLAST.
HOPE THAT SLEEPING KID
ISN'T DEAD.
- OH, ATTICUS.
- WHAT?
CAN YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS?
I GOT TO CALL CLEMENTINE.
JESUS, YOU'RE GONNA
CALL HER AGAIN?
- YEAH.
- WELL, MAKE IT SHORT, ALL RIGHT?
AND GIVE ME YOUR CARD.
OH.
HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY MONEY?
I'LL GET MY ACCOUNTAN TO SEND YOU A CHECK, ALL RIGHT?
WILL THAT DO?
[RATCHETING]
MORNING, GENTLEMEN,
I GOT SOME WORK FOR YOU.
[PHONE VIBRATING]
OH, GOD.
WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?
I TOLD YOU NOT TO.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
LOOK, CLEM, I'VE JUST BEEN
ON THIS JOURNEY...
YOUR UROLOGIST E-MAILED.
WHAT, YOU BROKE INTO MY EMAIL?
NO, I'M USING YOUR COMPUTER
AND THE FUCKING THING DINGED.
WHAT DID IT SAY?
SOMETHING ABOU AN APPOINTMENT.
A FOLLOW-UP APPOINTMENT.
- LOOK, CLEM...
- YOU KNOW, WHEN WE FIRST MET,
I LOVED HOW PROGRESSIVE
YOU SEEMED.
I REALIZE NOW THAT YOU JUS HIDE BEHIND ALL OF THAT.
- HIDE...
- UH, NO, ADAM, I KNOW.
- CAN YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME...
- I KNOW HOW YOUR FATHER HURT YOUR MOTHER
AND HOW YOU PROMISED
YOU WOULD NEVER HURT ANYBODY.
I'VE HEARD ALL OF THAT.
I UNDERSTAND THAT,
BUT LISTEN TO ME, PLEASE.
WE'RE HUMAN, OKAY?
HUMANS HURT EACH OTHER.
SHIT FUCKING HAPPENS!
FUCK, I DIDN'T WANT TO
DO THIS ON THE PHONE!
ADAM, I AM TRYING
TO EDIT MY DOCUMENTARY.
- I KNOW.
- DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
LOOK, I'M TRYING TO
EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU.
THEY'RE GONNA GO...
THEY'RE GONNA GO
AND FETCH THE CAR.
SO, IT'LL BE ABOUT AN HOUR.
THERE'S A BAR DOWN THE ROAD.
I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR ANOTHER ONE
OF YOUR LONG ADAM TALKS, OKAY?
WHY ARE YOU BEING
SUCH A BITCH?
[SCOFFS]
OKAY, I'M SORRY,
I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
BY THE WAY, YOU'RE NOTHING
LIKE YOUR FATHER.
HE DOESN'T PRETEND TO BE
SOMETHING HE'S NOT.
OH, HE'S HONEST?
FUCK Y... I MEAN, FUCK.
I'M HONEST!
I'M NOT PRETENDING!
- I'M NOT PRETENDING TO BE...
- I DON'T CARE.
ADAM, I DON'T CARE, OKAY?
I DON'T CARE IF YOU
CUT YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF.
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVER
HAD ANY TO BEGIN WITH.
OH, I DON'T HAVE ANY BALLS?
THEY'RE RIGHT HERE, SWEETHEART,
UNDER MY FUCKING DICK!
GOOD-BYE, ADAM.
GOOD-BYE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "GOOD-BYE?"
IT MEANS GOOD-BYE.
LIKE "GOOD-BYE" GOOD-BYE?
FUCK!
YOU KNOW, I WAS SUPPOSED TO PLAY
THE LEAD IN "CRUISING."
BUT THE STUDIO SAW MY TESTS
AND THEY SAID I TOOK I TOO DARK, TOO STREET.
DOUBLE SHOT OF
JACK DANIELS BOURBON, PLEASE.
YOU JUST SAY "GIVE ME
A DOUBLE SHOT OF JACK,"
HE'LL KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I MEAN, I WANTED YOU TO FEEL
THE STANK ON HIS CHAPS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
ANYWAY, THEY WENT FOR PACINO.
[GAGS]
ALL RIGHT, WHO WANTS TO FUCK?
ADAM, THIS IS A GAY BAR.
- WHAT?
- [MAN] NO THANK YOU.
DIDN'T YOU SEE
THE SIGN OUTSIDE?
IT'S CALLED
"THE MEN'S ROOM."
BUT DON'T LET ME STOP YOU,
IF THAT'S YOUR MOOD.
ANYONE WANT TO TAKE A TURN
WITH MY BOY HERE?
- NO! NO, THANK YOU.
- [MAN] HONEY, STOP LOOKING.
YOU KNOW I HAD TO KISS
IAN MCKELLEN ON THE LIPS
EVERY NIGHT FOR SIX MONTHS
IN "ANGELS IN AMERICA."
AND THE STRANGE THING IS,
I GOT TO QUITE LIKE IT.
OLD AS THE GREEKS.
SAME AGAIN, PLEASE.
OH, YOU'RE GOING FOR IT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
SHE BROKE UP WITH ME.
WHO, CLAMMY?
I THOUGHT HE ALREADY DID.
YOU KNOW, SHE WAS THE ONLY
GOOD THING IN MY LIFE.
THE ONLY GOOD THING.
NOW SHE'S GONE.
OKAY, IT'S MY TURN TO DRIVE.
MY TURN TO DRIVE.
NO, DON'T... DON'T...
DON'T FUCK AROUND.
DON'T...
GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE...
[HORNS HONKING]
COME ON!
[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
[GRUNTS]
JESUS,
DON'T DO THAT IN THE CAR.
[GRUNTS]
LET ME FINISH UP.
YOU'LL GET I ALL OVER THE FLOOR.
THIS IS A DREAM LINER,
NOT A URINAL.
OH, I SPILLED A BIT.
OH, JESUS!
THIS PLACE
IS LIKE A PIGSTY.
DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER
TEACH YOU ANYTHING?
[GRUNTS]
PISS ON ME.
CLEANLINESS
IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.
THAT'S FROM THE BIBLE.
[BOTH CLAMORING]
[ADAM]
LEFT HERE, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT.
LEFT, HARD LEFT!
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE...
WATCH... HERE, RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS IT. THIS IS IT.
STOP!
THIS IS IT. WE'RE HERE.
WELL, WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS?
I THOUGH WE WERE ON A SCHEDULE.
THE SCHEDULE CAN "S" MY "D"!
I'M TAKING YOU
TO A BALL GAME.
- BALL GAME?
- A BALL GAME.
COME ON,
DEATH'S ALMOST ON US.
YOU NEVER TOOK ME,
SO I'M TAKING YOU, PAPA BEAR.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT!
- ALL RIGHT?
- SHIT, YEAH!
- ALL RIGHT!
- COME ON!
YOU GET SOME TICKETS,
GO TO THE ATM.
- ALL RIGHT.
- I'LL PARK UP.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, WHO'S PLAYING?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERING AND CLAPPING]
[ATTICUS] GREAT SHOT.
LOOK AT THAT MAN.
- WHOA!
- [ADAM] WHOA!
[CHEERING, CLAMORING]
[ATTICUS]
HE'S GOT THE BALL! GO ON!
- [ADAM] KICK IT IN THE FACE!
- GO ON YOU LITTLE FOUR-LEGGED ANGEL.
- GO ON, GO ON!
- [ADAM] SHOOT IT.
- THERE YOU GO.
- SHOOT IT!
- YES.
- GET IT!
[ANNOUNCER] LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE
LEGENDARY ACTOR ATTICUS SMITH
IN THE HOUSE.
COME ON UP TO THE PRESS BOX
AND SAY HELLO, ATTICUS.
I'M HERE WITH NATIONAL TREASURE
ATTICUS SMITH TODAY.
ATTICUS, YOU ACTUALLY PLAYED
AN ALCOHOLIC BASEBALL COACH
IN "BASES LOADED,"
IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY.
YOU DO REMEMBER CORRECTLY.
AND IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY,
IT WAS A TERRIBLE FILM.
TO THE FANS OUT THERE,
I SHOULD TELL YOU THA ATTICUS IS ABOUT TO GE A NEW SON-IN-LAW,
FORMER CUBBIES STAR PITCHER,
NOW CO-OWNER
OF THE JOLIET SLAMMERS,
- MARK KEANE.
- YEAH.
THAT'S GOT TO BE EXCITING
FOR YOU GUYS.
OH, SO EXCITING.
DO YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER?
YES, SHE ACTUALLY
JUST TURNED 12.
OH, WELL, WOULD YOU
LIKE HER TO BE MARRIED
TO SOME FUCKING JOCK?
YEAH? WOULD YOU?
I GUESS I HAVEN'T REALLY
THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
YEAH, WELL, YOU THINK
ABOUT IT FOR 21 YEARS,
AND THEN YOU GIVE ME A CALL.
IF I'M STILL AROUND,
I WILL PICK UP
AND WE CAN HAVE
A LONG CONVERSATION ABOUT IT.
MARK'S A VERY BELOVED
FIGURE HERE.
YEAH, WELL,
THAT'S WHAT I KEEP HEARING.
"HE'S A BELOVED FIGURE."
I MEAN, JESUS CHRIST.
IF HE'S SUCH A BELOVED
FIGURE IN CHICAGO,
WHY THE FUCK
DOESN'T HE LIVE IN CHICAGO?
HE'S A KISS-ASS.
A FEISTY DAY AT THE BALLPARK,
AND, ATTICUS, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.
LET'S GO, THE SLAMMERS!
KICK THEIR FUCKING ASS!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
YEAH, TO BE THE BEST,
YOU GOTTA BEAT THE BEST
YEAH
YEAH, THAT'S ME,
I SOLEMNLY CONFESS
YEAH, I'M A LEADER,
YOU CAN LEAVE THE REST
SWEETER THAN A MARGARITA
AND CONCEITED, YES
I'M SWAGGING,
YOU SEE I'M SWAGGING
I HAD YOU TORE UP,
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED
YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED
THAT'S HOW I DO IT,
WITH A PASSION
I NEEDED PASSION
TO GET ME GOING,
YOU IMAGINE
CAN YOU IMAGINE
WHAT I BE DOING, DOING?
YEAH
YOU WANT IT
YEAH
YEAH
[CELL DOOR SLAMS]
[SNORING]
[SOFT GROANING]
OH, MY HEAD.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.
YOU BLACKED OUT.
WHY ARE WE IN JAIL?
'CAUSE YOU KILLED A GUY.
AH, FUCK.
[GROANING]
COME ON,
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THEY PICKED YOU UP FOR
SOLICITING A COUPLE OF HOOKERS.
I CAME IN TO BAIL YOU OUT AND THEY
GOT ME ON AN INTOXICATION CHARGE.
I CHEATED ON CLEMMY
WITH A HOOKER?
SHUT THE FUCK UP, MAN!
YOU TALK TOO MUCH.
THIS AIN'T NO PRIVATE SUITE.
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.
HE'S A REAL CHATTERBOX,
AREN'T YOU?
MAN, I'M TALKING ABOU BOTH OF YOU,
YOU JON BON JOVI-LOOKING
MOTHERFUCKER.
[WITH ACCENT AND LISP]
WHY DON'T YOU SIT THE FUCK DOWN
BEFORE I STICK YOU WITH THE SHIV
I SNUCK UP IN MY ASS?
YOU THINK I'M AFRAID
OF WHAT YOU GOT UP YOUR ASS?
OH, YOU WANT TO TEST ME,
SHORT EYES?
OKAY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS, OKAY?
BUT I DON'T LIKE IT.
SORRY,
HE GETS A LITTLE EXCITED.
YOU'RE OKAY, COME ON.
SHH, SHH, SHH,
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
IT'S FINE. IT'S COOL.
- JUST COOL, MAN.
- YEAH.
SHIV UP YOUR ASS.
- THAT WAS GOOD.
- [NORMAL] YEAH.
I WAS DOING YOU
FROM "CROSS BAR MOTEL."
I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED IT.
YEAH, DID I GE ALL THE LINES RIGHT?
THOUGHT THE LISP
WAS A BIT HEAVY.
I KNOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I CHEATED ON CLEMMY.
WITH TWO HOOKERS?
YOU DIDN'T CHEAT ON ANYBODY.
YOU KEPT YOUR DICK CLEAN.
YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE
FLIGHT ATTENDANTS, DIDN'T YOU?
HOW WAS I TO KNOW
THEY WERE COPS?
- COME ON.
- OH, THANK GOD.
KEEP IT CLEAN, DOUCHEBAG.
IS THIS THE WAY OUT?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[NARRATOR ON TABLET] HERE'S A TELESCOPE
PROFILE OF GLORIA STEINEM...
HER CHILDHOOD,
HER WORK, AND HER FRIENDS.
[WOMAN] ...ALWAYS ASK ME, YOU
KNOW, "WHAT KIND OF GIRL IS SHE?
SHE SEEMS LIKE A REAL BITCH.
[CHUCKLES]
OH, SHE MUST BE
VERY AGGRESSIVE AND PUSHY."
YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE THESE WHOLE
PRECONCEIVED IDEAS
OF A GIRL WHO GETS
TO WHERE GLORIA IS IN LIFE...
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[ATTICUS] THAT'S ROOM SERVICE.
YOU WANT TO GET IT?
YOU KNOW,
WE GOT A LONG DRIVE AHEAD.
DO YOU WANT TO
SHARE THIS WATER?
[ADAM] NO, THAT'S DISGUSTING.
I'LL TAKE A SHOWER.
HMM. I THOUGHT YOU WERE
A CONSERVATIONIST.
[DOOR OPENS]
YOU CAN SET I ON THE TABLE, THANKS.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [PHONE VIBRATING]
ANNABEL?
[ANNABEL ON PHONE] SO, WHY
HAS DAD GONE FUCKING CRAZY?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE'S NOT GOING CRAZY.
HE PUBLICLY INSULTED MARK
IN HIS HOMETOWN.
COME ON, YOU KNOW DAD.
BY THE WAY, WHY DID MARK
SEND HIM A BIRTHDAY CARD?
OKAY, WHAT? WHO CARES?
WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM
RUIN EVERYTHING?
OH, COME ON,
HE HASN'T RUINED EVERYTHING.
YES! MARK'S FAMILY
HAS GONE BERSERK.
MARK IS EVEN ANGRY.
YOU KNOW MARK
DOES NOT GET ANGRY.
ANNABEL, CUT HIM
SOME SLACK, ALL RIGHT?
I CAN'T HAVE HIM HERE,
NOT NOW.
YOU WANT TO DISINVITE DAD
FROM THE WEDDING NOW?
NO, I DON'T WANT TO,
BUT I HAVE TO.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHA WE'VE BEEN THROUGH TO GET HERE?
[HUMMING]
PUT HIM ON THE PHONE, OKAY?
NO.
NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO?
[SCOFFS]
HE'S SLEEPING.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
HE'S SLEEPING?
IT'S 5:00 P.M.
- ANNABEL...
- FINE.
THEN YOU CAN TELL HIM.
GOOD-BYE.
I LOVE THESE LITTLE
BOTTLES OF SOAP.
THEY STOP YOU GETTING CRABS.
WAIT, WHO GETS CRABS ANYMORE?
I GOT CRABS ONCE.
FROM A CARPET.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
THIS IS A SONG
ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE
SO DON'T WORRY YOURSELF,
WORRY YOURSELF
THE DEVIL'S RIGHT THERE,
RIGHT THERE IN THE DETAILS
[SIGHS]
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.
WELL, YOU HAVEN' SAID ANYTHING.
GOD, EIGHT YEARS
AND IT'S ALL JUST BULLSHIT.
YOU MEAN THE MOVIE?
- "SEVEN ANGRY WOMEN IN SEARCH OF DAMASCUS."
- EVERYTHING.
ME... MY LIFE...
MY SENSE OF PURPOSE...
ALL JUST NOTHING.
I DIDN'T TELL MOM.
WHEN I GOT BACK FROM FILMING
"THROWDOWN" WITH YOU,
I JUST TOLD HER I DIDN' WANT TO BE AN ACTOR ANYMORE.
SHE COULD SEE I WAS UPSE ABOUT SOMETHING,
BUT I DIDN'T TELL HER.
I GUESS SHE JUST KNEW.
YEAH.
I CAN BELIEVE THAT.
GOD.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I'LL GET IT.
[IPAD SHATTERS]
WAS THAT YOUR IPAD
YOU JUST THREW OUT?
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
I'M JUST A FUCKING FRAUD.
NONE OF IT MEANS ANYTHING.
BUT IT WAS AN IPAD.
I HAVEN'T GOT AN IPAD.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
AH, RIGHT ON TIME.
NO, YOU'RE ABOU 30 MINUTES LATE.
GOOD, LISTEN,
I'VE BEEN SAVING SOMETHING...
- ATTICUS, LISTEN TO ME...
- NO, WAIT, WAIT.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU.
THESE ARE YOUR WHEELS.
THIS CAR IS YOUR CAR.
YOU MEAN IN YOUR WILL?
NO, NO, NO,
I BOUGHT IT FOR YOU
BEFORE WE WRAPPED
ON "THROWDOWN."
JUST... I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE
TO GIVE IT TO YOU
BEFORE EVERYTHING
WENT PEAR-SHAPED.
LOOK, YOU SEE?
ALL THE DOCUMENTS
IN YOUR NAME.
OH, JESUS CHRIST.
OH, COME ON,
IT'S ONLY A CAR.
WHY DON'T YOU GO
AND BUY SOME WEDDING PRESENTS
WHILE I'M DOING THE SHOW?
THE MARGARITA MIXER
OR WHATEVER IT IS.
BLENDER.
YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER,
AS LONG AS
IT'S NOT THE MILLION-DOLLAR
JAM JARS, I'M COOL.
ATTICUS, SHE DOESN' WANT YOU TO COME.
WHAT?
SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO COME.
TO THE WEDDING?
YEAH.
YOU TOOK IT TOO FAR.
MARK AND EVERYTHING...
BUT WE WERE
JUST JOKING AROUND.
- I MEAN, I'VE NEVER MET THE GUY.
- I KNOW.
ANNABEL'S JUST TRYING
TO KEEP THE PEACE.
SHE THINKS HIS PARENTS
ARE FREAKING OUT.
IT'S BEST FOR EVERYBODY IF,
YOU KNOW, YOU SIT THIS ONE OUT.
LOOK, SHE SAYS SHE'LL COME VISI YOU STRAIGHT AFTER THE WEDDING.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I GET IT.
SORT OF.
[DOOR CLOSES]
WAIT, YOU BETTER
TAKE MY JACKET.
YOU CAN'T TURN UP
TO THE REHEARSAL DINNER
IN THAT PIECE OF SHIT.
THEY'LL THINK YOU'RE A SHMUCK.
ACTUALLY, YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY TAKE MINE, TOO.
IF YOU GO IN WEARING
A FEMINIST T-SHIRT,
CHARLIE WILL HAVE
A HEART ATTACK.
UH-HUH.
ENJOY THE CAR.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[PHONE VIBRATING]
[CHARLIE]
YOU'VE JUST TURNED 70.
THANK YOU
FOR TELLING EVERYBODY.
YOU PLAYED SUCH A WIDE
ASSORTMENT OF ROLES,
- AND NOW YOU'RE ABOUT TO PLAY GOD.
- YEAH.
WHAT I MEAN IS, HAVE YOU
REACHED THE LEVEL THA YOU'VE KNOWN OR HOPED
THAT YOU COULD REACH?
YES.
YOU'VE BEEN FAMOUS
FOR MOST OF YOUR LIFE.
- IT MUST BE DIFFICULT.
- WELL, YOU KNOW,
EVERY JOB HAS ITS PLUSES
AND MINUSES, YOU KNOW THAT.
BUT WALKING DOWN THE STREET,
EATING IN RESTAURANTS,
IS IT...
I'VE JUST DISCOVERED
FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS.
[CHUCKLES]
YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME.
NO, NO, I'M NOT.
I'M BEING SERIOUS.
I DROVE HERE
FROM L.A. WITH MY SON.
AND EVERYWHERE YOU GO,
THERE ARE THESE
FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS.
AND THEY'RE TERRIFIC.
YOU DROVE ACROSS THE UNITED
STATES WITH YOUR SON?
- YEAH.
- WHY?
BECAUSE MY HEART IS SHOT...
BECAUSE I'M PROBABLY
AN ALCOHOLIC,
AND I COULD DROP DEAD
AT ANY MINUTE,
AND MY DOCTORS
WOULDN'T LET ME FLY.
[WOMAN] I REALLY DON'T BLAME
YOU FOR NOT WANTING HIM HERE.
- I CERTAINLY DON'T.
- MOM, CALM DOWN.
I'M CALM, OKAY?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
HEY, I'LL BE BACK IN A SECOND.
- OKAY.
- IS IT TIME?
[PHONE RINGING]
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
- MM, GOD.
- SO, WHAT?
OH, JESUS!
YOU WERE NEVER GONNA
HAVE THE OPERATION?
AH.
YOU NEVER TOLD ME THA YOU HAD BALLSACK CANCER.
TESTICULAR.
WHATEVER.
HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW?
HOW DID I KNOW?
PRIVACY REALLY IS DEAD.
YOU'RE LIKE THE FUCKING NSA.
LOOK, ADAM...
- ATTICUS...
- NO, WAIT, LISTEN TO ME.
I'VE GIVEN THIS
A LOT OF THOUGHT.
IF I DO CROAK...
I WANT YOU
TO HAVE MY NUTS.
IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.
I KNOW THEY'RE BIGGER, BUT THEY
CAN PROBABLY MAKE THEM FIT.
THE PET SCAN
CAME BACK NEGATIVE.
I'M FINE. THEY JUST HAVE TO
REMOVE THE ONE TESTICLE.
OH, JESUS, GOD.
NO, NO, THAT'S GOOD NEWS.
I THOUGH THE CANCER HAD SPREAD.
THEY SAY I'M GONNA BE
FINE NOW.
[SIGHS]
OH, WELL,
THAT IS GOOD NEWS.
UNI-BALL, EH? HA!
OH, JESUS.
YOU'VE BEEN WORRYING ABOU THIS ALL THE TIME,
AND YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME.
YOU CERTAINLY SHOULD'VE
TOLD CLEMENTINE.
YEAH, I KNOW. I WANTED TO.
- GOD, I WANTED TO.
- [COFFEE MACHINE WHIRRING]
I WAS SCARED.
HMM.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE
YOUR PILLS?
BECAUSE THEY TOLD ME
I COULDN'T FUCK ON THEM.
OH, JESUS, DAD, THERE'S MORE
TO LIFE THAN FUCKING.
I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT.
BUT IT ALL GOES BY SO FAST.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IT...
IT MIGHT BE OVER.
SO, WHAT? YOU WERE
JUST GONNA DO NOTHING?
I JUST WANT MORE TIME.
I KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
HAVE THEY THROWN YOU OU OF THE WEDDING, TOO?
I CAME BACK TO GET YOU.
SHE DOESN'T WANT ME THERE.
[SCOFFS]
WELL, COME ON.
WHEN HAS THA EVER STOPPED YOU?
- WHERE'D YOU GET THIS TUX?
- WHY? YOU LIKE IT?
NO, IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT.
YOU LOOK LIKE A MAITRE D'.
COME ON.
I'LL HOLD
SO NEAR AND COLD
YOU'VE EXHUMED
MY LOVE
HEY, WHY DON'T WE
MAKE AN ENTRANCE, EH?
TAKE THE ROOF OFF.
BLOODY SPORTS CAR.
OKAY, SLOW DOWN.
I'M SOLD
AND OUR STORY
WILL GROW OLD
CHRIST, IT'S MY MONEY
IN THOSE BALLOONS, YOU KNOW?
GOOD LUCK.
YEAH, UH...
OKAY.
MM-HMM, MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
[CLEARS THROAT]
SORRY WE'RE LATE, SWEETHEART.
[SCOFFS]
I...
I CAN'T BE...
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[MAN]
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.
I KNOW YOU TOLD ME
NOT TO COME, BUT...
I'LL PROBABLY BE DEAD
IN A FORTNIGHT,
SO I THOUGHT WHAT THE HELL?
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL,
FORGIVING PERSON
AND THAT MAKES ME WORRY
THAT YOU'RE NO A GOOD JUDGE OF CHARACTER.
WHAT?
THIS GUY... THIS GUY MARK.
- [SIGHS]
- IS HE FULL OF SHIT?
NO.
I MEAN, DOES HE DESERVE YOU?
YES.
REALLY?
- YES.
- REALLY?
YES, DAD.
I'M MARRYING HIM.
WELL, I MEAN, I KNOW YOUR...
YOUR MUM'S HUSBAND'S
PROBABLY A NICE GUY, BUT...
YOU'RE MY ONLY DAUGHTER.
I WANT TO BE THE ONE
TO TAKE YOU DOWN THE AISLE.
ALL RIGHT,
YOU GOT EVERYTHING?
YEAH.
- [VIOLINS PLAYING]
- YEAH.
YOU OKAY?
NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOU'VE MET BEFORE.
SEVERAL TIMES.
- HAVE I?
- YEAH.
- HI.
- OH.
- SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
- WHAT?
"SORRY."
ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
YOU TAKE CARE OF HER
OR I'LL BUST YOUR BALLS,
- ALL RIGHT?
- HMM.
HI, DOROTHY.
[WOMAN]
PISS OFF.
WELCOME!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[ATTICUS]
OKAY, SLUGGER!
LET'S SEE
WHAT YOU CAN DO, HUH?
HA-HA!
AH!
[LAUGHS]
OH!
HOME RUN.
HEY.
GOOD GOD, WHO'S THAT?
OH, GOD.
WHAT?
EXCUSE ME.
HEY, COME AND DANCE WITH ME?
- YES.
- YES, LEAVE YOUR OLD MAN.
DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIM.
WELL, IT HASN'T SPREAD,
THAT'S THE MOS IMPORTANT THING.
OH, REALLY?
I'M SO SORRY
I DIDN'T TELL YOU.
WHY DIDN'T YOU
FUCKING TELL ME?
HE WAS ABOUT TO FIRE YOU.
I HAD TO TALK HIM DOWN.
[ATTICUS ON PHONE] YEAH, YOU
KNOW, JIMMY, YOU CAN TELL JACK
TO SHOVE "GOD"
UP HIS CAPACIOUS ASS.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
I MEAN, IT'S A MIRACLE
HE STILL EVEN WANTS YOU.
NO, I...
IF I HAVE TO HAVE
THIS FUCKING OPERATION,
IF I SURVIVE, THEN...
I JUST WAN TO DO DECENT STUFF.
I DON'T WAN TO DO CRAP, OKAY?
[DOG WHINING]
YEAH, FUCK HIM.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
HAPPY?
YEAH.
THANK YOU, BY THE WAY.
WHAT FOR?
SHE TOLD ME YOU CALLED HER.
[ATTICUS]
HOW COULD I HAVE CALLED HER?
YOU'VE HAD MY FUCKING PHONE
ALL WEEK.
BEEN SO LONG,
I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO USE IT.
NO, OF COURSE.
SO, WHAT,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA PLAY GOD?
NAH, THE SCRIPT STINKS.
I'D MUCH PREFER TO PLAY
THE DEVIL ANYWAY.
TAKE IT OVER
TO THE DARK SIDE.
GOOD.
YEAH, IT'S GOOD, I THINK.
YOU KNOW...
YOU SHOULD GO
AND COMFORT HER...
BEFORE SOMEBODY ELSE DOES.
ME, FOR EXAMPLE.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
CAREFUL, TIGER.
CAREFUL, CAREFUL, CAREFUL.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
HEY.
I LOVE YOU.
WHAT?
NOTHING.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SOMETIMES LIFE
CAN BE HARD ON YOU
AND I'LL BE THERE
WHEN YOU FEEL BLUE
WHEN THE WORLD
CRUMBLES AROUND YOU
YOU AND I
WILL MAKE IT THROUGH
THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD
WAITING OUTSIDE
SO LET ME
TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE
THERE'S A WORLD
WAITING BEHIND A DOOR
A NEVER-ENDING
UNIVERSE TO EXPLORE
LET US TRAVEL FAR AND WIDE
THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD
WAITING OUTSIDE
AND EVEN IF
WE WERE TO PART
I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE
IN YOUR HEART
LEAVE THE DARK
AND CLOUDY SKIES BEHIND
'CAUSE IT'S WEIGHED
TOO HEAVY ON YOUR MIND
LOOK AT YOU,
YOU ARE ONE-OF-A-KIND
A FRIEND LIKE YOU,
IT IS SO HARD TO FIND
WHEN YOU'RE DOWN
ON YOUR KNEES
KNOW THAT OUR BOND
WILL ALWAYS BE
WITHIN YOU HEART,
YOU'LL FIND THE KEY
TO WRITE YOUR OWN DESTINY
AND THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD
WAITING OUTSIDE
SO LET ME TAKE YOU
OUT FOR A RIDE
THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD
BEHIND YOUR DOOR
A NEVER-ENDING
UNIVERSE TO EXPLORE
LET US TRAVEL FAR AND WIDE
THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD
WAITING OUTSIDE
AND EVEN IF
WE WERE TO PART
I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE
IN YOUR HEART
[VOCALIZING]
LET US TRAVEL FAR AND WIDE
THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD
WAITING OUTSIDE
AND EVEN IF
WE WERE TO PART
I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE
IN YOUR HEART
LET US TRAVEL FAR AND WIDE
THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD
WAITING OUTSIDE
AND EVEN IF
WE WERE TO PART
I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE
IN YOUR HEART
[VOCALIZING]