1
My mother named me after my father:
Angus. A cow's name.
Which didn't help matters much, because...
I was a big kid!
My mother was in labor with me for two days.
But it was my father who died during childbirth.
He had a heart attack waiting for her to deliver.
But this wasn't really my problem.
In fact, I perceived my family's situation
as relatively normal
until I began collecting expert
feedback around Kindergarten.
Angus Bethune is a fat kid.
He's so hungry he eats his boogers!
This was my problem:
Rick Sanford.
Hey, Angus,
wanna play Pin the Tail on the Donkey?
You could be the donkey!
RICK: Oww!
Whoa!
You broke his nose, Angus!
You wanna see it?
Five cents.
I met my best friend, Troy Wedberg,
the day he charged five cents to see...
My cousin's pubic hair!
Whoa!
Uh-oh.
Ahem. No way.
You are such a liar.
Give him his pubic hair back...Rick!
Angus, isn't "Angus" a cow?
RICK: Oww!
Moo.
CLASSMATE: You broke his nose, Angus!
I was incredibly quick for a fat kid
and grades came pretty easily to me.
But I was sure willing to swap it all
for a little physical beauty.
MELISSA: Take it back! Take it back!
I don't have hairy legs!
I fell in love with Melissa Lefevre
the day she threw Alex Zimmerglock
across Tarlo's Roller Rink.
ALEX: Whoa! Uh!
Melissa Lefevre was that girl
that just made you ache
because you know she was
put on this earth out of your reach
only to make you feel bad.
Angus!
TROY: Angus!
Angus!
Rick Sanford got more popular...
Wanna play some football?
Yeah, sure.
Good. You could be the field!
Ha-ha-ha!
RICK: Oww!
and much better looking
every time I broke his nose.
You broke his nose, Angus!
What's Melissa doing?
Rick, are you okay?
But worse, he got Melissa Lefevre.
She's making sure Rick's okay.
What's Melissa doing?
She's trying to see if Rick's okay.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I hate that guy.
A little bit...
Golden Rick Sanford.
He had everything:
looks, smarts, and Melissa.
I had Troy, and he had...
Jock itch!
Let's go!
[ Music playing:
"Am I Wrong?" by Love Spit Love ]
Careful!
ANNOUNCER: Now back on the field,
the quarterback. The ball is set.
Growing up you wait for that one moment
that's truly yours;
for something to happen that makes you believe
maybe once in a while, the good guys can win.
And I was still waiting.
Go, fight! C'mon, Huskies, let's play!
RICK: Let's go over the play again:
Mike, you gotta make sure you wait 'til the line
clears out there somwhere before you cut, all right?
Else I got nothin' to throw to.
All right, this is what it is:
It's split back right, flag post flag on one.
- Ready? Break!
- Break!
Watch my ass!
I'm watching it right now!
I bet you are!
It was nearly impossible for a
defensive lineman to shake me.
I was a wall.
RICK: Red 34!
Red 34! Set... hut!
- DEFENSE: Pass!
- He's going long!
- DEFENSE: Somebody block it!
- I got it!
Dang it!
In addition, I was equipped with tracking radar.
I needed only to lock in on a cornerback's hips
to zero in on the tackle.
I, Angus Bethune, had caused a fumble!
The ball, MY ball, soared through the air,
free like an eagle. And then...
It landed in Rick Sanford's hands!
Go! Go, Rick! Go!
Go, go, go!
Go, Rick! Go, Rick!
Ugh.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Touchdown, Huskies!
I had caused the fumble that won us the game.
I was sure any minute now
they would come running toward me
cheering "Angus! Angus!"
CROWD: Rick! Rick!
Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!
RICK: Yeah! Whoo!
All right!
So there he was
with my victory.
And just once, I wanted to know
what it would feel like to be like him:
On top of the world,
just for one moment.
[ Music playing:
"Ain't That Unusual" by the Goo Goo Dolls ]
I'm trying to prove that if you put
a small abnormal element
in a large homogenous system,
the system will reject the deviation
rather than mutate,
usually causing a powerful exothermic reaction.
[ Bell ringing ]
TEACHER: Excellent, Angus.
Thank you.
See you after practice?
Yeah, see you later.
Poof, Angus. [ Chuckles ]
Great work, Einstein.
TEACHER: Rick,
Great touchdown yesterday.
Thanks.
Did you see my block?
Yes.
Angus,
the principal wants to see you.
Well...
your application to Jefferson has been
accepted, Angus.
Jefferson is the best magnet school
in the district.
You'll have to do a science project.
It's...it's all in the letter.
It's a wonderful opportunity, Angus.
Of course, if you don't go
I won't have to worry about
losing our best JV tackle.
Angus?
Thank you, sir.
My mom thinks I'm perfect.
But that's coming from
someone who drives a truck
and whose CB handle is "Bruiser"!
Don't overreact,
but I got my interview for Jefferson.
- You're in!
- Just an interview.
- You didn't tell me!
- I'm telling you!
- Oh, you're in!
- [Muffled:] You're overreacting!
- I'm gonna tell my father!
- [Muffled:] I can't breathe!
I don't overreact!
Mom...
Hey, I get it, okay?
It's just an interview.
You might not get in. It's no big deal.
You get it, you don't get in.
Think I care?
Go call your grandfather.
It's time for dinner.
My grandfather...
He was as smart as they come,
when he was awake.
[ "Reveille" plays ]
I'm awake, dammit!
[ "Reveille" plays ]
Potatoes.
Easy on the salt, Dad.
You know, Angus got his interview for Jefferson.
You know, Aunt Ruthie RSVP'd.
Oh, that reminds me.
I talked to the caterers and I think the best way to go
is to have two buffet tables.
One hot and one cold.
You know, Barry's coming, too.
Uncle Barry RSVP'd?
You didn't tell me he RSVP'd.
Is he bringing Wednesday and Pugsley?
He's bringing the whole clan.
I guess they can stay in Angus's room.
Share my room? Get real.
No, you'll stay in your grandpa's room.
I'm not sleeping with him.
He snores! Big nose-hair snores!
He grinds his teeth in his sleep.
At least these are really my teeth.
These are my teeth!
I guess. You paid for 'em.
You know, Dad,
April's insisting on picking the band.
Well, it's her wedding, too.
It's a polka band.
Mom, don't start.
Look, this is hard enough
to get together at the last minute.
Why do they have to get married anyway?
She's 30 years younger than him.
Why don't they just live together?
Why is she talking to me like I'm not in the room?
Why is she talking to me like I'm an adult?
Who gets married at 72?
I am 71.
It's not normal. She's not normal.
The whole idea's ridiculous, but I'm just
supposed to go along with everything--
Mom.
What?
He's asleep.
Dad.
Is she gone?
Yeah, she's gone.
Grandpa?
Hmm?
You're 73.
[ Music playing: "Jack Names The Planets" by Ash ]
I'm swallowing snot!
You know, it doesn't taste that gross.
- Why do I sweat so much?
- What?
- Why do I sweat so much?
- Shh! I want to hear what they're playing.
Shh! I wanna hear what
they're playing.
Every time they play Green Day, the first caller
gets free tickets to their concert.
-(GIRL SQUEALING) Hey!
-Hey.
Can I get over here? Maybe on your lap?
Hi! I'm great. Come on.
You know, if you go Jefferson, "Nerd High",
you might as well become a monk.
What are you talking about?
You become a science geek.
No way you're gonna get babes.
Girls don't want brains.
They want guys who are dangerous,
have tattoos, play the guitar.
Stick with me. I know these things.
You play the accordion!
You could make a living playing the accordion.
You're good at it.
You could make a living eating food.
You're great at it.
- You're short.
- You're fat.
- You're pathetic.
- You're... fat.
- Buds!
- Buds!
Don't forget to vote for the Winter Ball dance.
Don't forget to vote.
Don't forget to vote for the dance.
Don't forget to vote.
Don't forget to vote for the Winter Ball dance
king and queen. Remember, your vote counts.
Don't forget to vote. Don't forget to vote.
Oww! Hubba, hubba!
Don't forget to vote.
[ Music playing: "White Homes" by Tilt ]
You know what would be funny?
If we went to the dance.
What are you talking about?
Watch everyone spaz out on the dance floor,
look at all the dildos standing around
pretending they want to be there.
- Troy, we are those dildos.
- It's just for kicks.
Your mom's making you go to the dance.
Why did you tell her about it?
I don't tell her everything.
Green Day! Phone!
- Hey!
- Shit! Little faggot pinhead, you better watch it!
Hey, lay off, man.
Thanks for the tackle,
Baffoon... er, Bethune.
Ignore him, Angus. He's an asshole.
Angus!
What's the problem here?
You got a temper? Save it for the football field.
- But he...
- Save it, Angus.
If you want out of here,
I can arrange it right now.
If you want into Jefferson,
you're gonna have to do better than this.
One suspension you lose your shot,
and I will suspend you, Angus.
All right, let's clear out. Come on,
come on. Nothing to look at.
Nothing to look at. Let's go.
What's with the sad puppy look?
Melissa move away or something?
Talk to her, eh? Just once before I die.
Will you do that, please?
Grandpa, she's popular.
- You're not?
- (Scoffs) I'm a babe magnet.
Runs in the family.
Grandpa, everyone'll think I'm a jerk.
Angus, remember these words
and always live by them:
"Screw 'em! Who cares what anyone thinks?"
I do.
Move.
You think I don't know how hard
it is to talk to a girl? I know.
It wasn't easy for me to ask April out.
You know why I did it?
'Cause you're old and cenile?
- 'Cause I said "screw 'em".
- Any minute now you're gonna start drooling.
- And I went ahead and asked her.
- I'm not gonna be your drool wiper.
- I didn't care what anybody thought.
- You can't remember what anybody thinks anyway.
Your mind is shot.
Grandpa? You don't talk to Melissa Lefevre
when you're a fat kid who's good at science.
You're not the fat kid who's good at football?
Angus, you're not fat. You come from big people.
My father was big. Your grandmother, she was big.
- You're normal for where you come from.
- I'm not normal.
- Well, I'm big. I'm normal.
- You're definitely not normal!
- You're at an irritating age.
- So are you.
It's time to take your pill.
Finally.
[ Music playing: "Kung Fu" by Ash ]
They sent out School Spirit Day flyers.
Why aren't you wearing blue?
- Who reads those things?
- Obviously everyone but you.
Maybe if you shut up, no one will notice.
I am a recycling bin. I need love.
I need trash. If everyone would just give me
their paper cups and plates
I'm getting a boner!
and I'll be happy.
Thank you. Thank you very much
for your enthusiasm.
I see that the time has come
to announce who you've elected
as your king and queen for your
freshmen Winter Ball this year.
I think we know who the king of the
Winter Ball is this year, don't we?
Hey, it's not in the bag, but, uh,
I think I got the votes I wanted.
And to do that, here is your freshmen
class president, Rick Sanford!
Thank you, Principal Metcalfe.
The theme for this year's
freshmen Winter Ball is "courage".
We're gonna need courage to face
new challenges, new people, our future.
Let's make it a memory
none of us will ever forget.
(TROY WRETCHES)
And now, I am pleased to announce that
this year's freshmen Winter Ball queen will be...
Melissa Lefevre.
Oww! Oww! Sorry.
RICK: Come on up, Melissa, to the stage please.
And now your vice president, Jody Cole,
will announce who this year's Winter Ball king will be.
PRINCIPAL: Here you go.
Okay, um... okay.
And this year's Winter Ball king is...
- Not Rick, not Rick...
- Not Rick, not Rick...
Uh... Angus Bethune?
- Alrigh--
- Alrigh--
Holy shit!
Uh, w-would Angus Bethune
please come up to the stage?
JODY: Please?
(FIRE ALARM SOUNDS)
PRINCIPAL: Single file. Be orderly now. Order.
Single file. No more throwing, all right?
PRINCIPAL: Keep moving. Move in
an orderly fashion. No throwing.
Orderly fashion.
Uh, watch that over there!
No throwing, no throwing.
I've got your name.
Okay, it was a joke. I knew that.
And a hell of a good one, too.
But like my grandfather says, laugh with them
and they can't laugh at you.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Buds.
- Buds.
- I'm not going.
- Why not?
- Why not? Why not? What do you mean, "why not"?
- I mean, why not?
Come on, you get to dance with Melissa Lefevre.
I sell body parts for a chance like that.
Troy, Melissa Lefevre is probably somewhere
puking her guts out right now!
- Angus.
- I'm not going.
- Angus.
- I'm not going.
Melissa.
In all the years I had known Melissa Lefevre,
I'd never actually spoken to her.
"Late for class?" No!
"Hey, how ya doin'?" Ugh.
"You're Melissa, right?"
Duh! Of course she's Melissa!
And at that moment,
I realized I probably never would.
[ Music playing: "Rubella" by Smoking Popes ]
I couldn't help but wonder
what Melissa Lefevre was thinking.
She'd be at the dance with Rick, of course,
so her Winter Nightmare on Elm Street
would last but a few minutes at most.
She'd probably tell herself,
"It's like a trip to the dentist.
No matter how badly he's gonna hurt me,
no matter how many bare nerves he drills,
In an hour I'll be out of there.
And I'll still be alive."
Of course, Melissa hadn't seen me dance.
TROY: When you want something,
you have to motivate yourself.
Motivation!
Little stomach muscles above the belly button.
Tiny blonde hairs
on long, athletic thighs.
She does have great little stomach muscles.
How am I gonna pull this off?
We're gonna turn you from a large, pathetic virgin
into a large, pathetic virgin with a new look!
We'll experiment.
[ "Reveille" plays ]
I was awake, dammit!
It's time to take your pill.
Where's my vest?
I have to go to this dance at school.
I'm the Winter Ball King.
That's good.
For a laugh. It was a joke.
This have anything to do with that quarterback?
I should have broken his nose.
You can't go around beating everybody up
just because they don't like you.
Use what you have in here.
You have a big heart, Angus.
I have a fat heart, Grandpa. I can't dance.
I ever tell you about the Irish Swoon?
The Irish Swoon is an old family secret.
You're on the dance floor, see?
You cradle your girl in your arms.
And crush her ribs.
And then you sweep her back.
And snap her neck.
And then you kiss her.
Yeah. And then she's traumatized for life
and goes on a shooting spree killing large people.
Angus, shut up.
The key to the Irish Swoon is
to do it in one smooth motion
before she gets a chance
to realize what hit her.
That's how I nabbed April.
Grandpa, I will never, ever in my entire life
get a chance to kiss Melissa Lefevre's dog,
let alone Melissa.
Why the hell not?
Because first of all, I can't touch her.
Why the hell not? Hi, Troy.
Sweat. Hi, Troy.
Everybody sweats.
Not like me. I don't sweat; I rain!
That's gross!
You think something's gross?
You want gross? Touch Angus's head.
What are you talking about?
Your hair looks ridiculous.
It was an experiment, dammit.
Yeah.
Angus, this is Madame Rolenska.
She's going to teach you how to "cut a rug".
Breathe with the current of your feelings
and move with me.
Are you ready? Good.
And... ah!
Your foot off the scarf!
[ Music playing: "Hot, Hot, Hot" by Buster Poindexter ]
One and two and three, and
One and two and three, and
Oh, that's very good. Wait, wait!
And...
On the right!
GRANDPA: Screw 'em, Angus. Just dance!
You're dancing. You're dancing!
It's the biggest size we have left in black.
I want black.
What else do you have?
I have one other thing in his size,
but it isn't black.
I want black.
We'll give it a try.
This should fit.
It's purple.
It's plum.
It's classy.
- It's plum.
- It's plum.
It's your size.
Everyone'll be wearing black.
GRANDPA: You'll be different.
That's true.
I don't wanna be different. I want normal.
I want socially acceptable.
I want a black tuxedo.
It'll look great on you,
and as for what anybody else thinks
always remember these words
and live by them: "Screw 'em!"
- He'll try it on.
- No, he won't.
-Put it in the dressing room.
- Put it on a rack.
Put it on a dead guy and bury it!
Hello, big boy!
What the hell is that?
- This is Wanda.
- Wanda?
My dad used to have her
in his waiting room,
but she kind of scared all the kids.
You know.
I'll bet.
And she is, what? Your date?
Actually, she's yours.
[ Music playing: "Mrs. You And Me" by Smoking Popes ]
What are you doing?
- I'm taping this.
- Get out of here!
Angus, it's what jocks do so they can
see where they make mistakes.
Forget it!
Angus, the dance is on the 22nd.
You've got 2 1/2 weeks, bud.
No one see the tape?
And you don't tell your mother?
I don't tell her everything.
Look under her shirt.
Hey, she's anatomically correct.
Ow! Hey, watch it!
Hey, a girl's bod is a girl's bod.
There's more to girls than just their bods, geek.
Right and you go nuts for Melissa
because of her grades?
She's beautiful, okay?
There's something about her.
Her bod, bud.
(Scoffs) No, Troy.
I don't know what it is. I get the worst pain
in my stomach whenever I see her.
You get a boner in your stomach?
Ow! Hey!
You're such a good dancer.
Thanks.
Not you!
Do you wanna be alone?
Can I take her home?
Just for a week.
[ Music playing: "J.A.R." by Green Day ]
Okay, we're here at Radio Owatonna.
We got another winner here.
Two tickets and backstage passes
for the upcoming Green Day concert
for Rick Sanford.
Tell us how you won, Rick.
RICK: Hey, great! You know, I was just
walking by a phone booth
and I heard the song
come over this guy's car radio
so I decided to call.
Hey, I just got my quarter back!
Oh, hey! It's Big Red.
Where's the Tubster?
- Can't wait to see him on the dance floor.
- Yeah, watch all that lard shakin' around.
Angus is gonna blow your bonehead face
off the dance floor.
When Angus dances with Melissa,
she's never gonna look back.
Angus can dance?
Yeah.
- That sucks.
- Yeah, really.
What if he's really good?
I mean, all you can do is that... white thing.
Shut up.
What are you gonna do
if he can really dance? I mean...
I don't know.
Look, somethin', okay?
Hey! What are you doing?
Let me go! C'mon!
Thanks for the tip.
RICK: You know, uh, you really shouldn't
hang around the halls without a pass.
- ANDY: Hey, keep this to yourself, squat.
- MIKE: Yeah.
RICK: Let's get out of here.
'Kay.
and they like chained him up, and they cut off
his arms and legs so he can't get away
and they took like this metal rod, and they stick it
into his head and it like sucks out his brains
and replaces it with like this green glowing ooze
so they can take over his body
Wedberg! Hit the showers!
I've got a note from my doctor.
It's upside down, Wedberg.
This is from your father.
- He's a doctor.
- He's a dentist.
I have sore gums.
Shower!
Every day I go through this with this kid.
Hey, my shirt's gone!
You're a real asshole, Sanford!
- Did I say that?
- Hey, a tough guy.
ANDY: Oh, hey! It's the butterball king.
Just give him his shirt back.
Troy.
Oh, you lose your shirt, man?
Like you didn't know.
Listen, Angus, I'd lend you my shirt but I'm afraid
it's not gonna fit. It might rip on you.
That's 'cause it's cheap like your mother.
Hey! What are you doing? Let me go!
Let me go! Let me go! Quit it! Ow!
I want my shirt back.
Maybe you lost it.
Don't hit him, Angus. You'll get expelled.
If he still wants to go to the dance
after all of this, good for him.
You know, he won fair and square.
I know you set it up.
Hey, it was a little joke, okay?
You should be thanking me. I mean, this is
the chance you've wanted your whole life, right?
Now it's yours.
I'm the one getting the shaft this time.
Melissa's bitching my ear off
because she's gotta dance with you.
Hey, you know, I mean,
nothing personal.
TROY: C'mon, let me out.
You know, it doesn't
smell so bad in here.
Easy, easy.
He took my underwear too.
Screw Rick. And screw the dance.
He's just gonna do something to you.
So what are you gonna do?
Go to class without underwear.
Oh! Careful!
- Angus.
- What?
I think I know what Rick
did with your underwear.
- Do you believe it?
- No!
You're underwear's almost
as big as the flag.
Get that down from there.
Angus, look at it this way:
what could be worse?
She didn't see it! She didn't see it!
She didn't see it!
I don't believe it! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Hey, Melissa!
That's what you call
gettin' a slice of the ol' dick pie!
Everyone's gone, Angus.
Can we go now?
I was pissed.
That was my favorite pair of underwear.
Maybe no one knew they were yours.
It's not like you had your name
printed all over them or anything.
Hey, man, I'm not the one who
put your underwear on the flagpole!
That was your underwear, Angus? (Laughs)
Troy, I'm...
Whatever.
What?
The dance is comin' up and, uh,
we really wanna play a little joke on Angus
but we're kind of stumped on what it should be.
We're hoping maybe you could help us.
Give me a break! What do you want?
- Just give us something we can use to, uh...
- To embarrass him in front of the whole school!
Forget it!
Ow!
Look, it's... it's just for fun, man.
I'm not gonna do it.
Okay. Let's go.
Hey! Let me go! Let me go!
Help!
Ow!
C'mon, man. Let's go.
See? See, tough guy?
I mean, what the hell is your problem?
Look, just help us out with this.
I don't have anything!
Then get something, all right?
This is important, you understand?
Understand?
- I'm still thinking.
- Absolutely.
- What are you doing here?
- Did you take your pill?
Inside coat pocket.
- Angus
- What?
You're making me nervous.
This is my last day as a bachelor.
I need my peace.
- What is your problem?
- Rick Sanford!
- Did you break that kid's nose again?
- I'm thinkin' about it!
What happens when another
quarterback comes along?
Because there's always gonna be
another quarterback, Angus.
I'm sick and tired of hearing that!
People suck, Grandpa.
I could knock this guy out with one punch.
Forget it, you don't understsand.
I don't understand?
That's why I want to go to Jefferson, okay?
Because no one will know who I am.
And if nobody knows who I am,
I don't have to be Angus Bethune.
I can't go to this dance.
You're a coward if you don't.
I can't dance, I can't talk to girls,
but I can smash Rick Sanford's face in!
You're a coward if you do.
You think I don't understand? You think I don't know
what people are saying about April and me?
She's too young? I'm too old?
Screw 'em!
You don't see me punchin' anybody out.
Because you're a fool, Grandpa,
and I'm tired of being one.
I'm a fool, hmm?
Well, April doesn't think so
and I'm getting married tomorrow.
And I don't care what the hell anybody says about it.
I need my moment, dammit!
[ Music playing: "Funny Face" by The Muffs ]
Why isn't this working?
- Angus!
- Mom, I'm working on my science project.
Oh, okay. You're not wearing this tie.
What are you talking about?
That's a beautiful tie.
It's a clip-on!
Meg, you're making everybody crazy!
You're on me all the time about the wedding.
You're all over Angus about this science school crap!
- It's not crap, Dad.
- It's crap!
It's a wonderful opportunity for him.
It's a chance to excel at something
he's really great at. It's good for Angus.
It's also an opportunity for him to go someplace where
he doesn't have to account for who his parents are.
Screw what other people think.
- You don't have to prove anything.
- Neither does he.
This dance thing is a prank. I don't want him
humiliated in front of the whole school.
You know what you're doing?
You're not giving the boy credit for being strong.
Do you know every time he
sits down in the cafeteria
the kids jump up and pretend
they're being thrown off the bench?
They call him Bigfoot.
- He never mentioned that to me.
- He never told me, either.
You know what they did
with his underwear?
They ran it up the flagpole
just to humiliate him.
And he gets up and he goes
back there every single day.
So don't you tell me I don't know
how strong my son is. I know.
And if he wants to go to any goddamn school where the kids
won't slap their bellies every time he walks by
then he damn well can!
That was you, kid.
Third grade.
Look how you turned out.
[ Music continues ]
Is this... is this a bad time?
- Is this a friend?
- Mom...
- I just wanted to say hi.
- Hi.
Look, Angus, your interview is on the 22nd.
You know how soon that is?
I know when the 22nd is, Mom. Trust me.
It's the day of the dance.
Alright, but that doesn't mean--
Mom...
Forget it!
The interview is at three. You've got plenty of time
to get ready for the dance.
Mom...
Hagen-Dazs!
Come on!
Why don't you bring your little friend?
Since I could remember, my grandfather
was always the big kid down the hall.
It's funny how you can be so comfortable with someone
that you think they'll always be there.
And then one day you realize they're not.
Those are the shrimp rolls?
I thought they'd be bigger.
Oh, God! Are those the meatballs?
I didn't order enough food!
Meg, there is enough food here to feed two armies.
Angus? Angus?
Angus, um, could you help me for a second?
Um, I want you to tell me the truth.
The rosette: with or without?
Either way.
I can't believe I'm so nervous.
I sent a schedule for Grandpa's pills.
Oh, I know it! Twelve and five.
- One and four.
- Oh.
I've got it all written down in this book, Angus.
I promise I won't forget. Really, I promise.
Would you please tell my husband-to-be
that his future wife is almost ready?
Grandpa, April says she's almost ready.
Good, good. I tell you,
I feel like a kid! Ha ha!
Look at me. I'm nervous!
I'm... I'm sweating!
Got a little secret for you:
I feel like it's my wedding day.
This is your wedding day, Grandpa.
How's April look? She wouldn't
let me see her wedding dress.
I tell you, that woman! Every time I look
at her I get the worst pain
right in the middle of my stomach. You know?
It's a great feeling.
I know.
These things are so stupid. Your mother
wouldn't let me wear a clip-on.
Nobody can tell.
- I'm sorry about the other day.
- I forgot about it.
- I really feel bad.
- It's forgotten.
I didn't mean what I said.
I'm telling you I don't even remember it.
I can't remember anything, not a goddamn thing!
Grandpa, I was a jerk.
I'm glad you're marrying April.
You should see her.
I think she really loves you a lot.
But still, it takes a lot of guts.
You've got balls, Grandpa. More than me.
Angus, Superman isn't brave.
Did you take your pill this morning?
You don't understand.
He's smart and handsome, even decent.
But he's not brave.
No, listen to me.
Superman is indestructible and you can't
be brave if you're indestructible.
It's people like you and your mother.
People who are different
and can be crushed and know it.
But they keep going on out there every time.
I'm not brave, Grandpa.
I'm so afraid of going to this dance.
And I know everybody thinks I'm stupid for trying.
Everybody but you.
I wish I could just stop liking Melissa but I can't.
'Cause I feel sort of like I have a chance, you know?
To be with her, I mean.
I'm not crazy.
I know she's not gonna be struck blind and
ask me to take her home from the dance or anything.
But it's the only chance I'll have.
And I guess I just want one moment with her.
Just one.
I just want my moment.
[ "Reveille" plays ]
Grandpa?
- I'm so glad you were able to do this.
- It's a pleasure, I assure you.
It means so much to Dad.
If we had been moving it,
I might not have been here.
[ Music playing: "Washing Of The Water" by Peter Gabriel ]
What happened?
Fell of my bike. Pretty stupid, huh?
It's a babe magnet.
So when are you coming back to school?
Tomorrow.
I guess you're not going to the dance?
I'm not going to the dance, okay?
Okay.
My interview for Jefferson's on Saturday.
That's great, man. Who needs it, right?
Hey, we can rent a video.
I hear Cindy Crawford's got a new butt & thigh workout--
Shut up, Troy!
You just don't know how it feels!
I don't know how it feels?
You think you're the only person on Earth
who wakes up every morning wishing they were someone else?
Troy, I wanted to go to the dance. Don't you get it?
Then why aren't you going?
Because...
I think I have to stop wanting things so much.
Can I help you?
- Hi, Angus.
- Hi.
- Do you want to come in?
- Um...
No, I don't think so.
We have food.
Time for his pill.
See? I did remember.
This is for you.
Ivan left it for you at my house.
It's an awful color, isn't it?
It's plum.
I look like Moby Grape.
You look terrific.
I don't want you to get hurt.
I won't, Mom, as long as you let me go.
I can do this.
I know you can.
I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
No, I can't.
My interviewer from Jefferson is here.
Yes, your interviewer from Jefferson,
Mr. Kessler, is here.
I was supposed to be here at 3:00
but traffic was bumper to bumper
with every drooling, mouth-breathing
bottom-feeder from here to Minneapolis
going to the football game.
Mindless sport.
It's going to take me at least a few hours
to assess your qualifications
and analyze your work.
I assume you're not going anywhere?
We always dress for dinner.
So you want to attend Jefferson?
That's not difficult to understand.
We have an exceptional program.
I went there myself when I was your age.
It's a rewarding experience with obvious benefits.
Now if I could see your science experiment, Mr. Bethune.
Do you have a science experiment, Mr. Bethune?
Yes. Yes, I do.
May I see it?
You're looking at it.
Is this a joke, Mr. Bethune?
No. I'm hoping to prove that
within every normal system,
there exists an abberation.
Something different.
- The Chaos Theory.
- The Bethune Theory.
Your hypothesis?
When a small abnormal element is
forced into a larger normal system,
the element will either be rejected or destroyed.
Obviously.
But it doesn't have to be that way if...
If...?
If the element is brave.
"Brave"?
If the element can hold out long enough,
and face the torment of the system
until the system's energy is depleted,
if the element can look the system in the eye
and say, "I'm still here, asshole!"
then the system will have to
change, adapt, mutate.
And if this happens it'll have proved my fucking point!
Which is what?
There is no normal.
Angus, where are you going?
To mutate.
[ Music playing: "Enough" by Dance Hall Crashers ]
What are you doing here?!
I'm the entertainment.
Angus, Rick's gonna do something to you.
I know.
Screw 'em! I want my moment.
And if you can't stand to watch, then don't!
Take off! Tell your mom. Get a life.
- Screw you.
- Screw you!
- Wanna walk in together?
- Yeah.
- Angus
- What?
- I gotta go to the bathroom.
- Whatever.
Nice tux.
- It's purple.
- It's plum.
You look like Barney.
Oh hey, how about an hors d'oeuvre?
- Let's do punch.
- Okay, c'mon.
Well, looks like I'll be handing this
lovely thing over to you for a while.
Give her a chance to make a comparison.
You know, let her decide what's more important:
Quality or... quantity.
Rick!
PRINCIPAL: Can I have your attention please?
Will the Winter Ball King and Queen please come
behind the stage to arrange for your entrance?
Well, guess you two guys are on, huh?
You're in good hands.
Good luck, Angus.
[ Music playing: "Back To You" by The Riverdales ]
- Oh, man. You're nasty, man!
- It's punch!
Here are your official crowns.
Now, when the DJ finishes this song,
I'll say a few words.
Then you'll have your official
walk down the steps.
They'll play your song and that's
when you'll have your dance.
Angus, why don't you pin that on Melissa now?
PRINCIPAL: Settle down, people.
Please? Settle down now.
Thank you. I'm, uh...
I sweat whenever I get nervous. Don't you?
Uh, well, you know...
Yeah, well, I guess it's easier 'cause guys are supposed to sweat.
Uh, well, you know...
PRINCIPAL: ...small lecture on dance floor safety.
No, no, really!
It's just everyone will be staring at us.
But you must be used to people staring at you.
The big moment. Here is this year's
Winter Ball King and Queen!
Let's hear it. Here they are!
[ APPLAUSE ]
PRINCIPAL: Your crowns!
Don't forget your crowns.
Please don't trip.
Don't trip, Melissa.
Don't trip, Melissa.
Don't trip, Melissa.
[ Recording playing: ] What are you doing?
- I'm taping this.
- Get out of here!
Angus, it's what jocks do so they can
see where they make mistakes.
No one see the tape?
And you don't tell your mother?
I don't tell her everything.
Look under her shirt.
Hey, she's anatomically correct.
[ STUDENTS LAUGHING ]
Hey, a girl's bod is a girl's bod.
PRINCIPAL: You there!
There's more to girls than just their bods, geek.
Right. And you go nuts for Melissa
because of her grades?
She's beautiful, okay?
There's something about her.
- Her bod, bud.
PRINCIPAL: Turn it off!
- No, Troy.
PRINCIPAL: Turn it off!
- Turn that off! Just turn...
- I get the worst pain in my stomach whenever I see her.
You get a boner in your stomach?
[ STUDENTS LAUGHING ]
Melissa!
[ SARCASTIC APPLAUSE ]
Are you going somewhere, Rick?
Uh, yeah. I wanted to get some fresh air.
Oh, you know the rules.
No in and out privileges at school dances.
What about them?
They're the king and queen.
I'm making an exception for them.
[ MELISSA CRYING ]
Melissa...
I was an idiot. I'm sorry.
What a jerk!
I'm really sorry.
Not you. Him!
Do you ever get tired of who you are?
Do you know who you're talking to?
Do you want to know something about me?
I'd like to know anything about you.
I'm bulimic.
Do you know what that is?
I'm a fat kid. Yeah, I know what that is.
It's when you eat too much and you chuck it up
so you don't turn out to look like me.
Close enough.
Actually, I even tried it once.
But when I stuck my finger down my throat,
I was still hungry and I almost ate my arm.
You're the only person I've ever told.
Angus, I think we have to go back inside.
I think I have to tell you I can't dance.
We'll survive.
I didn't say I can't dance well.
I said I can't dance!
My limbs are lethal weapons.
People have been badly hurt
trying to dance with me!
Your Winter Ball King and Queen
will start their dance now.
[ Music playing: "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star ]
Don't worry. I picked a slow song.
We won't have to move much.
Angus, relax.
[ MELISSA WINCES ]
I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait. Stop.
Try this. Okay.
Forward, touch, side, together.
Back, touch, side, together.
Don't concentrate, Angus.
Go for it, Angus!
[ Music continues ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
What are you doing?
[ Music playing: "Deep Water" by Pansy Division ]
- Melissa, what are you doing?
- Rick!
What the hell are you doing?
Look at this guy!
- C'mon, joke's over, man.
- Rick, leave me alone.
Hey!
Oh, what? Are you going to defend her?
- Your life, Bethune!
- Rick!
- Rick, stop it!
- I'm saving her from you.
Stop!
It's time I broke your nose, Angus.
Take your best shot, assho--!
C'mon, man! Keep--
Welcome to high school, Angus.
Good thing you're leaving.
I'm still here, asshole!
I'll always be here.
You push me down and
I'll get right back up again,
again and again and again
and again and again!
I could beat you right here, right now.
But I don't wanna be better than you, Rick.
I don't wanna be better than anybody.
I wanna be who I am:
A fat kid who's good at science
and fair at football.
That's who I am.
I can live with it. Why can't you?
'Cause it's not normal! You're not normal!
And who is? You?!
Bet your ass.
And so, what? To be normal
we all have to be like you?
There are 400 people in this room
that are nothing like you.
Some of them are fat, some of them are skinny,
some of them are tall, some of them are short,
some of them have braces,
some of them have birthmarks,
or scars, or frizzy hair,
or ears that stick out!
But most of them probably walk through these halls
every day never telling anybody
the truth about what they really want, or need,
or believe, because people like you,
"normal people" like you, have them
terrified of being who they are.
I mean, if you're normal,
what does that make them?
So which is it, Rick?
Are you normal
or are you just one of us?
Whatever I am, it's something
you're never gonna be.
Thank God.
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ Music playing: "You Gave Your Love To Me Softly" by Weezer ]
I wanna dance one more.
Okay, I'll wait over by the table.
No, I wanna dance it with you.
You don't understand. I can't--
Screw 'em, Angus.
Just dance.
[ Music continues ]
You wanna spaz out with me on the dance floor?
Watch all the dildos?
Troy, we are those dildos.
'Kay.
Buds!
Um, you broke his nose, um...
Wedberg. Troy Wedberg.
Angus, would you walk me home?
You mean tonight? After the dance?
The dance ended, school closed for the holiday.
Rick Sanford got suspended for his little prank.
I got into Jefferson but I didn't go.
I said, "screw 'em."
I finally knew what it felt like
to be on top of the world.
I had had my moment.
And then I heard my grandfather's voice
say to me, "Now go have another!"
Maybe I will. Who knows?
Maybe Melissa Lefevre actually likes me.
All I know is, I'm still here.