1
No.
Oh, yeah.
Much better than
mother's old sign.
She caught him in her
trap, the son of a bastard.
All the son of a bitch
could muster in his defense
was a lyric from
better days past.
As the gun muzzle nestled
between his lips, he quivered,
saying, "no one knows what it's
like to feel these feelings",
"like I do."
"And I blame..."
Oh, come here,
I'm gonna tickle you.
- Mommy Wolf!
- Am I Mommy Wolf?
And Izzy bear!
Hi, my love, how are ya?
You've found a Halloween
mask in the middle of May?
Not bad, did you go with Mommy?
We went shopping
all day, didn't we?
Come here, Daddy has
to go to work, come here.
I need a hug.
You're the best hugger in
the world, you know that?
Go wash your hands, okay, babe?
I love you!
Oh.
- You're a rock star.
- Yeah, I know.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
And uh, you look
kinda sexy with that mask.
You know what's not sexy?
How much my ass hurts from
driving around all day
looking for that stupid thing.
I'm tired, I'm behind
on a deadline...
Hey, you know how important
it is for my students to know
that I support the ideas 100%,
so, you saved my ass, again.
I know it won't
be the last time.
So, did you get
your writing done?
Yeah, I think I kinda
hit a breakthrough.
I'm not too happy about
the ending, though.
Don't all horror
stories end the same way?
Kill the monster or
the monster kills you?
What if you have to
live with the monster?
- Oh well, I'll figure it out.
- Okay.
Bye.
My test patient's charade
of misconstrued feelings
will lead to
misguided intentions.
Therefore, no matter
how she dolls up now,
this will manifest one
day into her actions.
The makeup she wears
is merely a mask
covering up scars
none of us can see.
If we don't begin to pay
attention and help those types
of people before maniacal
thoughts become actions,
you might never know
when your worst enemy
could be sitting
right next to you.
Thank you.
Kinda exhilarating, isn't it?
That feeling you
get behind the mask.
That strange freedom
and anonymity,
with the power to do
almost anything you want.
Very beautiful imagery, Kara.
Creative.
My one criticism, if you
can even call it that,
is what do we do with the
people who love their masks?
Those who refuse to
take 'em off, ever.
Are they worth the time,
money and resources?
Okay, but the foundation
built on "we, the people" has
been trampled on by the
time-money resource...
Wah, wah, wah,
wah, liberal alert.
Okay, but as a democratic
republic, can we let our society
to devolve into a
self-centered existence?
Okay, can we have some
poll numbers on that?
You know what, maybe my test
patient's some evil genius
plotting to kill me and chaos
theory wins again, right?
Alright, anyways.
Inspiring, very creative.
But, is it A+ material?
Show me those thumbs.
Oh!
The tribe has spoken.
Salty or sweet,
choose your treat.
Mm, my favorite color.
Mm, do feel free
to use that lab.
Minimum 1,000 words on
your most vivid memory
of when your maniacal thoughts
didn't become conscious
actions and what positive
effect you believe it had
in your young lives.
Make good choices this
week, my pet brains, okay?
See you soon.
That was great.
So, do you really
think I was inspiring?
My neurons are still buzzing.
So, I was thinking
about writing a book.
- Oh.
- On my test patient.
You know, a story about
her fucked up story.
Think that'll be something
you could help me with?
- Yeah, I mean, I...
- Perfect.
- Well...
- When can we start?
I think you should clear
it with Dean Winters first.
Ew, he's such a creep.
But yes, I totally
ran it by Mr. A.
He actually thought it was
a great idea and thought
- you'd be perfect for it.
- Mm-hm.
Why don't we just talk
about it next week?
Next week?
You're trying to drive
me crazy, aren't you?
Office hours this
weekend, maybe?
Uh, no.
Okay, never mind.
Listen, I uh, Christine
told me she explained to you
the whole nanny situation,
I hope she wasn't too...
Firm, but fair.
Can you please tell her
again how sorry I am?
An idiot, I was...
Come on, it's okay.
It's water under the bridge.
No harm, no foul.
No harm, no foul, I like that.
That reminds me.
Make sure you check your email
before you go home tonight.
- Have a good weekend.
- You, too.
All clear from tower three,
about to set the last trap.
Rally at my cabin afterwards?
Earth to Poppy, do
you copy, Poppy?
Oh, I have a nice
surprise for you, actually.
Seems like a young man has
wandered into the woods alone,
and now he's trespassing
without prior authorization.
Tell him to go
away, we're closed.
I told him that already,
but he said he talked to Burl.
What?
Where are you?
My god.
Are you okay there, buddy?
I'm okay!
I just, oh, ripped up the
ass a little bit, I'm okay.
Okay.
- Hi, how are you?
- Hi.
- You're Bishop, P. Bishop.
- Yeah, okay.
You've got 15 minutes,
and that's it,
- because the camp is closed.
- No, look.
I'm not just wandering
around alone out here.
I'm actually on my first
investigative report.
The blog site Bigfoot Afoots
dot com, have you heard of us?
- No.
- Well, we've heard of you.
Now, I heard you
mention the name Burl,
because I believe he's
the one that confirmed
the Sirsquatch sight,
the Sirsquatch sighting.
What?
Sirsquatch, he's...
Hold onto
your nuts, squirrel boy.
Jesus.
Does her shirt
say Squatch on it?
- Get off.
- Okay.
Help.
Oh, boy.
Hi.
I heard you
wanted to see me after class?
- Oh, my god.
- What?
Hi, babe.
- Okay.
- What?
- I'm sensitive.
- Mm.
You're so sexy.
I'm so pregnant.
And I'm bloated and I'm
achy, I'm tired and I'm fat.
You are so not fat.
You are glowing.
What's up?
Oh, nothing, I'm
just, I'm preoccupied.
By?
I should've thrown it away,
why didn't I throw it away?
What, the baby?
So...
Today, um...
You got a letter addressed to
you but there was no address,
and there was no stamp
on it, so I was curious.
Okay.
So, I opened it.
Sounds serious.
"Dear, Mr. Baumgarner."
"I must first start by
saying I'm your biggest fan."
Oh!
Sounds good so far.
"My name is Marilyn Bishop."
"You might not recognize
me, but my family,"
"owner of the
Merrymaker camp grounds,"
"undoubtedly make
famous by your book."
Hello?
Oh, my god.
"I believe whatever
maimed and killed"
"those two girls
will never return."
"I do not know this for
certain, but I do not, nor did I"
"raise my children to live
in fear of the unknown."
- Mm-hm.
- Whoa.
"My two beautiful daughters
in the picture," what picture?
Oh, yeah.
My god, this is amazing.
Huh.
Okay.
"They have endured so much
over the past 15 years,"
"they simply deserve only the
beauty that Merrymaker holds."
Wow.
Why in the world would
you throw this away?
I don't know, 'cause it's
a mildly obsessed fan letter,
in response to a horror book
that you wrote seven years ago?
What, hello?
An invitation to the
reopening of the camp
that I made famous
is not a fan letter.
It's her last dying wish,
for crying out loud.
Honey.
Well, her last dying
wish is in two days.
Okay, I can drive,
it'll take me 10 hours.
- What?
- I zip in, zip out.
Snip the ribbon, I'll be back
before you'd even miss me.
- Roland.
- We'll go together.
Hey, my juices are
already pumping.
Maybe this is a sign.
Come on, the three of us
in the middle of nowhere.
It'll be great, Izzy, we'll
find somebody to watch Izzy.
One of the students...
Oh, one of your students?
They're gonna grocery shop?
And they're gonna clean
the house and they're gonna
bathe Izzy and feed
her and put her to bed?
No, we tried this
once before, remember?
With that student, Kara?
And her intoxicated
baby sitting routine.
No, we are adults now.
Mm.
- Grownups.
- Yes.
Alright, alright, alright.
I'm being ridiculous, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay.
- I'm gonna clean up.
- Okay, babe.
I'll see ya in five!
Never know what might
happen in five.
Jesus H, who in
the hell is that?
- I'm from Bigfoot's Afoots...
- Not you.
It's just a lost camper.
I'm taking her into the infirmary,
she's a little delirious.
This is her belongings.
- Any sign of, uh...
- Nope.
Traps are set, though.
Great job.
Okay, meet me back at my cabin
when you're done with her.
Mm-hm.
What can I do you for?
Fascinating place you have here.
Are these the sassafras trees?
Which cabin y'all got
the baby-eatin' inbreed
shackled up in?
- Right this way.
- Okay.
Maybe next time
you'll wear looser pants
when you're thinking about
breaking and entering.
So this is where
it all happened.
We've repainted and
remodeled all 13 cabins.
Now all that's left is
to put the bodies in 'em.
Bodies?
Like dead bodies?
Yeah, dead bodies.
Of bloggists first.
Mm-hm, touch, touch.
Okay, you fill in the blank.
The first thing
that people think of
when they say Merrymaker is...
Look, I know.
The perception of our
camp based on that book
is completely moronic
and ridiculous.
Entertaining, but fictional.
What happened to those two
young girls is a tragedy,
and should be viewed and
treated as such, in my opinion.
If you believe that, you must
also believe that animals
are gonna rise out
of the cemetery.
Do you have a cemetery here?
We have a proud
family history here,
and I intend to get these
grounds up and running
just as my mother's mother's
mother did long before me.
You seem disappointed.
Well, I was...
I was just hoping
that you could confirm
the Bigfoot sightings.
The what what whatting?
Sirsquatch.
He was reported .67 miles from
here, that's why I'm here.
Are you sure you
haven't seen any traces
- or any signs or any...
- Of a bigfoot?
No.
But, but Burl, he...
"But Burl?"
I don't know what Burl was
thinking, but Burl's way
of thinking is the reason
why Burl is no longer here.
Why don't I give you the
quick tour on the way out?
Hey, you're safe, okay?
No, no safe here.
Safe.
You came a long
way from home, huh?
I no want to go.
Though I go.
Then...
In the camera, I see it.
Monstro, I record it.
I'm gonna get you
your camera back,
and you're gonna be
okay, just relax,
and let me clean you up.
I believe you, okay?
You're safe.
I promise, if you weren't safe,
I would drive you to the
desert tonight myself.
- I would.
- You will drive me?
Come on, let's
take one of these.
You'll feel so much better.
Is this off the record?
Sure.
The truth is, when they
found those two girls,
only my mother and my brother
and my step-dad were there.
Oh.
Well, can I talk to
mom, or brother, or...
My brother, Wayne, turned
18 and checked out that summer
after it all went down,
haven't heard from him since.
Our real dad left
when we were little.
Probably because he
couldn't deal with my crazy,
overbearing mother and left
her alone to run the place.
She met the meat-sack known
as Burl and married the oaf.
But when she died last year,
half cancer, half broken heart,
Burl was asked to leave.
So, I'm sorry if I don't look
like a buck-toothed inbred
who likes to blend
babies into smoothies.
Oh, my gosh!
Did they base the Fran character
off of you in the book?
The innocent daughter turned
psychopathic scalping expert?
You'll never know.
Okay, but what
about the camcorder
that was found with the
maimed girls on the lake?
I mean, there was
no tape in there?
At least, that's what the
police report says, but is that
what you say?
Looks like your time is up.
Okay.
Well, just answer
one more question.
What's the rush?
I mean, what's out here
that's makin' ya so anxious?
You people are what's
making me so anxious.
I'm sorry that our camp
contains no man-eating inbreeds,
no Bigfoots, no nothing
but real people,
just getting ready for
a nice grand re-opening.
No trespassing means no, even
in the middle of nowhere.
Here we go.
Alright.
Godspeed.
I would be doing a great
disservice to my readers if I
didn't at least try to interview
the little Mexican girl.
Ranger Bishop?
Ranger Bishop?
Careful of your vagina
on the way over, buddy.
Bigfoot Afoots
investigation blog log.
Time is, uh, I don't
know what time it is,
but I'm at Merrymaker camp
ground and I'm hearing
familiar but
unidentifiable sounds, I...
This could be the very moment.
Tonight.
That I make bonafide
first-contact.
With the primordial Sirsquatch.
I'm now going to attempt to
climb down over this fence
and investigate further.
Log out.
"I'm your biggest fan."
Oh, hi, baby.
Come here.
Did you have a bad dream?
Yeah?
Did Mommy get you
another teddy bear?
He's cute, what's his name?
Should get you back to bed.
Ghost on the hills
Weirdos on the boulevard
Kissin' goodbye to
their vanishing dreams
As their life
is blowing apart
Fall out
In a bar brawl estate
Fall out
In a colorful haze
Enough with the shaky screen.
Anita, you need to see this.
Copy.
Hey, hon.
I, uh, I hope you're
enjoying your facial by now.
I know, I know,
I'm a stubborn ass,
but uh, this might
be good for us.
You know how I
feel about my fans,
and I'll be outta your
hair for a couple days,
maybe you'll get
some writin' done.
Ah, come on.
Really?
Hm.
Any other traces?
These.
Scat over there next to
big freakin' footprints.
It's getting closer.
Lupita told me last night
that guts fell out of
a tree onto her head.
What, no, that's
delirium, hallucinations,
malnutrition, dehydration,
sun exposure...
This has gotten so out
of control since he left!
We do not need Burl, do
you understand me, Poppy?
Well, I called him because
we do need him, okay?
I need him to eliminate
a problem from my life.
He might just be my
ticket out of town.
Well, well.
Miss Tinkerbell.
You look more like a fairytale
every time I see you.
How goes it, Muffin?
Spinnin' my wheels.
Hey, can I pop one of those
squares from you, Daddy-O?
You should never smoke.
Go on.
Hey, you two lung
cancer advocates.
Ah!
- Well, stick around, soldier.
- What'd she tell you?
Clean up, 101.
I brought my own bag
of tricks with me.
And your little sister wanted
me to bring this in for ya.
Don't worry, I didn't peak.
Miss me?
Like my period.
Reporter showed up, said he
spoke to you specifically.
How in the hell
does that happen?
Change the voicemail
code if you don't want me
responding to, uh,
guest inquiries.
The poor soul.
Alright, any cockamamie
ideas you're brewin' up in that
burnt out head of yours, you
dispose of 'em immediately,
and I will consider letting
you stay in my camp, you copy?
Oorah.
You sizzle just
like your momma did.
Any luck with the
traps here, Popsicle?
No, he's too
smart for the traps.
He did take that blouse, though,
but he left the traps untouched.
Sounds like he's
playing with ya.
Sounds like you two need a big
bad wolf after all, don't it?
Should be a pot of boiling water
waiting for you
in the mess hall.
Welcome to the
house made of brick.
Easy there, little piggy.
You may just not
make it out alive.
I just threw up a little bit.
Hey, uh, can you help me out
with some directions, please?
I guess my GPS must be
a generic piece of shit.
Sorry, did you say somethin'?
Uh, no.
Hey, what are the chances?
That's actually where I'm
headed, Merrymaker camp ground.
Do you know if
it's close to here?
Why?
Are you one of those freaks
into havin' sex at murder sites?
'Cause that's freaky,
out of bounds.
You don't look like a freak.
You must be deeply in touch
with your freakiness, huh?
I wrote the book.
Oh, never mind.
- How much is this?
- 4.72.
Here we go.
Keep the change.
Anything I could
help you with today?
If I keep goin' down the street,
am I gonna hit the
camp ground, yes or no?
Either way, I'd watch my back.
I read the Merrymaker book.
It ain't far from the truth.
We're leaving.
Why does your sister fight?
She likes to hide monstros?
No, she's just a fighter.
She's a monstro.
No, she's just a product
of her environment.
What?
Why'd you no run away?
Because, I made a promise
that I didn't wanna make
a long time ago.
Come on.
Who is that?
I have no idea,
just get outta here.
Whoa, whoa whoa whoa!
I surrender!
I'm unarmed!
Roland Baumgarner!
I'm on the good team!
Poppy, change of plans,
get to the mess hall.
But I thought you said take her?
Just get to the mess
hall, I'll meet you there.
Wow.
Mr. Baumgarner!
You know, I heard you
guys have a camp to reopen,
and could use a famous face.
You're here.
You actually came.
Yeah, well, I was
in the neighborhood,
and figured I'd swing by, if
you have room for one more.
Mom's letter worked?
I always say you are
nothing without your fans.
I just mailed it a few
days ago and I thought,
there's no way...
But it's actually happening.
Oh, my god, it's unbelievable.
This, this is great.
The Merrymaker camp ground.
Hoo!
Any ax-murderers to report?
- Not recently.
- Sorry to hear that.
Maybe we'll have some
baby stew later, then?
Should I just follow you in?
Welcome to Merrymaker
camp, Mr. Baumgarner.
Alright!
Ah!
Hey, hello.
- Penelope Bishop.
- Oh, Roland Baumgarner.
- Pleasure's mine.
- Roland Baumgarner?
Yes, that's me.
The famous author, here?
The one and only, I think, yeah.
- Here, in the flesh.
- Wow.
This is quite a
reception, thank you.
Thank you, well...
What did I say about smoking?
All you need.
You'll respect our rules,
and not subject young
and impressionable...
What fence did
you sneak over in?
Is there mucho more of
you comin' for dinner?
Alright, excuse Burl.
He left his manners
on the cutting floor.
Old habits die hard.
I hope you like your Bambi dead.
Sloppy does.
Inside, campers.
He's funny.
God, I can't
believe you're here.
Wow, well, hello.
Best aperitif in 1,000 miles.
Not only illegal, but
known to numb the brain.
Yeah, well, then fill me up.
Bingo.
It's not quite as, uh,
creepy out here as I
thought it would be.
It's dark, quiet
and it's kinda nice.
I don't think I'd be
survivin' out here, though,
you know, so exposed.
At home, I'm roughin' it if
I don't shower twice a day.
No showers, no food.
Survivin' fine, and I
ain't roughin' it, come on.
I like roughin' it a little bit.
Bingo.
Bingo.
Who is miss, uh,
keep to yourself
and say not a word over there?
She doesn't speak good English.
Yeah, and unfortunately,
Lucinda won't be
with us much longer.
Lu-Pi-Ta.
And you lie.
I want to leave now,
away from the monstro.
The monstro?
What did she...
I don't understand.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, my god!
- Help me!
- What the?
What the?
God.
Are you okay?
Oh, my god.
What the fucking fuck?
- You fuck-face liar!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- You're okay.
- I, do I look okay?
- What happened?
- What happened?
I, a very large
beast-like thing,
dragged through the
god damn forest,
and under to its
underground lair!
Whoa.
Call the police!
Because Sirsquatch, he is out
there and he is pissed off!
- Sirsquatch?
- No, don't worry about it.
- Yeah.
- I know this guy.
Yeah, yeah.
- I gave you back your camera.
- With no recordings.
- Where the recordings go?
- Oh, okay, okay, wait, wait.
Everybody just take
a deep breath, okay?
I mean, you must admit that
somethin' got to this kid,
so what's goin' on?
Our friends here are both
fascinated by a supposed.
Bigfoot.
"Supposed?"
- Bigfoot.
- "Supposed?"
"Supposed," my ass!
- Look at my ass!
- Whoa!
Why isn't somebody
calling the cops?
Because it's 85 miles
to the nearest station.
We have full legal
jurisdiction here.
Burl, if you please?
Like, it's out of your
jurisdiction, I'd say.
Oh no, please, Burl could
drive them both into town.
There's a clinic and a bus
stop about 25 miles away.
You are hysterical, my friend.
You could have a
closed head wound,
subarachnoid hemorrhaging,
a concussion, maybe you...
I'm hysterical, because of you!
Kiddies, kiddies.
Cool it off, settle down.
The land plays tricks
on you way out here.
Bears look like beasts,
wolf calling something.
- There's no sacrifices.
- Who are you?
He's the reason why you're here.
You're Burl?
In the flesh, darlin'.
You're a wreck.
We'll make you beautiful.
Smoke and a pancake, boy.
Watch it, oh, my god.
I bet that hurts.
Well, I'm sorry about that.
We do get our fair share
of trespassers out here.
Just trying to do our
best amongst the freaks.
Take it from people who have
lived here their whole lives.
There's nothing out there.
There is something in the
woods, but you know this.
Okay, okay, so where is
her camera that she claims
holds possible proof of
the Merrymaker murderer?
No one said that.
Well, we should look at it.
Mm-hm?
Oh, sure, yeah, we'll have a
movie night, it'll be great.
Just one second, excuse me,
um, Penelope, just a moment.
This is, this is...
I must admit, though, my
curiosity is beyond beat.
We agreed to this a
long time ago, Penelope.
- You promised me.
- No we did not agree to this.
In circumstances that
include a maimed reporter,
and a delirious Mexican
girl, things have changed.
What's changed, except
that we're all-systems-go?
Something is
killing people, Anita.
And you can say that...
Fine, fine, fine.
You can run away if you need to.
It won't change anything
except everything.
Just remember what happens
at the end of your plan.
Maybe something will gut
me and hang up by a tree,
dance on my bones.
For your sake, I hope that
makes it easier for you
to abandon your legacy.
Okay, campers, we
have a game plan.
You, uh, seorita, are
gonna come with me.
And Mr. Baumgarner, we
set you up in cabin six,
which is between mine
and Anita's cabins.
Alright, but shouldn't we
be watching her tape first?
Oh, you're more than welcome
to look at it if you want,
but her tape's completely blank.
Okay.
Well are you gonna sit there
or are you gonna come inside?
You captured nothing, comprendo?
Nada.
You stay here, Poppy
will be back to get you.
Goodbye, Snoopita.
- There you go.
- Well!
What've we got here?
That's, uh, quite a few beds.
I would shower
tonight, if I were you.
Unless you're scared of walking
in the woods by yourself.
Oh.
Is that you offering
me protection?
What do you guys do around
here for fun, post meridiem?
Oh, Anita reads.
Burl listens to the radio.
I just sit and wait
for the anti meridiem.
I don't sleep much.
Ironic.
With a name like Poppy,
I thought you'd fall right to sleep.
Not even opiates
will help you here.
Anita's cabin's next-door,
if you need anything else.
Um, how are the showers?
Are they like...
They're community.
Everything's community here,
it's kinda like prison,
except without the bars.
It sounds like you're
pumped to be opening back up.
Oh, I just work here.
I'm sure you do more than that.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
I'm sure I will!
Okay.
Vaminos.
What happened to your co-pilot?
Damn shame.
Guess he didn't have
anything to report.
Took off faster than
diarrhea on a baby's butt.
I don't think you'll ever see
his face round here again.
I'm not as confident as you are.
You should be.
I made him an offer
he couldn't refuse.
Good thing you brought
me in, you need me.
I have a proposal for you.
I'm all ears.
Those are my terms.
After I pull my end of the deal,
you grant me a full pardon.
All past indiscretions
you forget.
In this life or the past.
If you deliver.
Whoa, oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you hadn't
come home by now.
No, I haven't done either.
Oh, well, I'll
be outta here in a second.
Why can't you look me in the eye
when you say that?
Um, because I'm not
used to such overt,
look, you could be my student.
But I'm not.
Stop, wait, wait.
What are you hiding down there?
Please stop, I think we
have to stop, I'm married.
Not in this version.
Mommy!
Yeah, honey!
Give me one second,
I'll be right there!
Seems like there's.
Mom!
You're what?
Is Lupita in here with you?
Hey, what...
Copy.
What's happening?
What's going on?
I'm responsible
for you, so get on.
Whoa.
I'm sorry about what
happened last night.
What happens here stays here.
Is that what I think it is?
This is nothing.
Just a little hiccup.
We get our fair share
of skinny-dippers, too.
Who the fuck would
skinny-dip out here?
Her shorts are shredded, Anita.
Listen.
Your re-opening probably
needs to be canceled.
Don't you agree?
Absolutely not.
This could've been me, Anita.
Yeah, she's right.
Something strange is
goin' on out here.
What is the real story
with that reporter kid?
Who did that to him,
what did that to him?
Everybody calm down, okay?
Mr. Baumgarner, I
will make you deal.
We won't reopen until we find
out exactly what is out there.
So, you're confirming
something is out there.
You've obviously
nothing to be afraid of.
I can confirm that.
You don't even know
what we're tracking.
Or what's tracking us.
I will under no
circumstances confirm
that this is a Bigfoot.
That is pure mythos
and plain stupidity.
Well, whatever it is, it's big.
Let's take a moment,
devise a search plan, copy?
Uh, not copy?
I'm a writer, not
the Grizzly Man.
I'm not going tromping through
the middle of the woods alone.
You won't be alone.
Roland, you come with
me to the gun barn.
Poppy, go get Burl, we'll
rendezvous at the mess hall.
- And do what?
- 15 minutes.
Copy, 15.
- Be careful.
- Copy, careful.
I bring this life,
given from God above.
Offer it to protect
the ones I love.
If it's needed to take
this away from me,
dear lord,
use the most with courage,
and victory.
I thought you said there was
nothing to be afraid of?
With a collection
like this, there isn't.
Burl left some beauties behind!
Listen, I could
pretend that I'm half
as tough as you
ladies, I'm really not.
You know, I think it might
be best if I just head out,
maybe come back when you
have this all worked out?
Oh, Ro, the party's
just getting started.
Come on.
Hunt with me, Roland.
Get your primal juices flowing.
Make you feel like a
real man, I promise.
Well, my courage, uh,
at this point, is pretty low.
Well, courage is not the
absence of fear, my friend.
It's the action taken
in the face of it.
You know, I could've
been like you.
Yeah, really?
I wanted to be a
doctor, once upon a time.
What happened?
Two teenage girls got murdered
on my family's camp ground.
Buried us in debt,
lawsuits and lies.
Your little book
didn't help much.
After my mom got sick, I
inherited all the people comin'
up here lookin' for the
Merrymaker Murderer, breakin' in,
vandalizing property, I've
found more used condoms than...
Your mom, she wrote
like she was such a fan.
Oh, she would kill
to be here right now.
I've never really
shot a gun before, so...
You'll figure it out.
Burl!
Burl, where are you?
Burl.
Burl!
Burl, come in, we need you.
Poppy, come in, please.
Poppy!
What, they've
disappeared now, too?
You think maybe they're
already out lookin' for Lupita?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's
probably where they are.
Okay, I have an idea.
What do we have here?
You little pervert, you.
Ah-roo!
You think she's up there?
Why would she go up there?
It's up there.
Why don't we wait
for "it" to come down?
Yeah!
Why don't you wait here?
Did you hear that?
Yeah.
Was that your sister?
I think so.
I don't think just
storming up there and ringing
- the doorbell is a good idea.
- We have guns, it doesn't.
Oh, my god.
Holy shit.
Holy shit!
What the fuck?
- Roland, hey, listen to me!
- What?
You're okay, you're okay.
There's nothing you
can do for her now.
No, wait, I'm not
going any damn further.
You don't have a
choice, this is it, okay?
You got this, you got this.
Okay.
One.
Two.
Help, run, run!
Run!
It's here!
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck?
You're okay, we're okay!
- No, I'm not okay.
- Hey, everybody is okay.
Stop saying that!
Nothing is okay.
Okay?
Your camp is harboring a
wild beast, Bigfoot thing,
that's mauling people
and needs to be killed.
You can't have
people staying here.
You're lucky I'm not
threatening to sue your ass!
Sue us for what?
What can you take from us
that you haven't already?
You just take me back to my car,
so I can get the hell
outta here, okay?
I have a wife and a
child, and another child,
in the real world
to get back to!
Copy that.
Shit.
No fucking way.
I'm trapped in my
own god damn book.
Do we have insurance in here?
Fuck you and your
Smokey the Bear Insurance.
You have a serious
fuckin' problem
is what you have, Ranger Bishop.
Now, this is a crime
scene, a murder scene,
and you're
accessories to murder.
I know you say you're the
law out here, but I think
this has gone to levels beyond
your fuckin' jurisdiction!
Do you realize a Saab
is a vintage classic?
Do you know how much depreciation
value this just cost me?
Mr. Baumgarner, you
like secrets, right?
Yeah, why?
We've been keeping
a little secret from you.
The secret is out, I need
god damn medical attention!
You deserve to know the truth.
The truth, what truth?
Nice drivin', city boy.
Is that Burl wearin' my mask?
The truth is, we're
smarter than you.
Poppy, listen to me.
No matter what happens next,
there is nothing that we
can't get through together.
We're blood.
Oh, Mr. Baumgarner!
Hi!
Welcome to the Merrymaker camp
ground official reopening.
Boy, I do apologize
that things haven't gone
a little bit more smoothly.
We have been dealing with
a little bit of an issue,
these last few months,
and my, oh my, you just
would've thought that all
hell had broken loose, but uh,
luckily, crisis averted.
So, I had Penelope get together
a little something for you.
A little visual aid, so
Penelope, if you please.
Since you got all the credit
for writing down our story,
I thought that you should
at least see the truth.
You know how to
raise this thing, right?
Dude, don't worry about it.
Just film it.
Apparently there's this
camp counselor who eats
babies or something who
lives in that cabin.
I've been double dog
dared and bet five dollars
that I won't go inside of
it, alone, for 10 minutes.
Alone?
That's two dollars a minute,
that's a pretty good deal.
If I gave you $20,
you still wouldn't
go in it, you baby.
- I told you, my number's 100.
- Fine, then stay here.
No, Caitie, come on.
Caitie, it was funny
before, but not anymore.
Caitie.
I thought you weren't
scared of anything?
- You won't do it.
- Oh, yeah?
Watch me.
- Holy crap!
- God, what was it, take this!
I don't know,
there's something in there!
- Violet, come on.
- Hello?
No, Violet, come
on, please, let's just go.
No.
Violet, Violet!
And, the rest,
they say, is history.
Thank you, Poppy.
Boy, I did not think that a
fan letter would get you here.
But when you showed up,
come hell or high water,
I just knew that our
ship had come in.
So, tell me, Mr. B.
How much are the lives
of that cutie-pie wife,
and little bun in the oven
of yours worth to ya, hm?
What about your little girl?
Isabella?
Something really scary
and bad can happen...
Get back!
Go on, bear, go on, bear.
What is he doing?
You can't fucking bring
that thing in here.
You can't bring
that thing in here!
Signed, sealed and delivered.
As promised.
Get behind me, Poppy.
That is not a Bigfoot.
- It's your brother.
- What?
You heard him, your
brother, not a Bigfoot.
That's, that's Wayne?
That's our Wayne?
But Mom said that he...
Mom lied to ya, sweet pea.
Your mom had a lot of secrets.
What's momma to do?
Not clip the wings
of her baby bird.
Cradle you.
And coddle you in
my arms forever.
No!
Our divine mother
gives us obstacles,
and those obstacles provide
us with the nutrients
of opportunity for the
growth of our species.
You are my challenge!
You are the fruit
of a mother's labor!
Left out to spoil in the sun!
You will rise out of the ashes,
and your scars will be proof
that you cannot be taken down
by mere mortal men!
What in God's name?
Their parents are
already searching for them.
We don't have much
time, I need you, baby.
If I'm to keep this
place going, I need you.
I need you to be strong for me.
This'll just be
our secret, okay?
Okay?
Now, I need you, I need
you to get that bear
that you shot that's
still in the walk-in.
I need you to bring me his paw.
You got to be quick.
Wayne?
Wayne.
Wayne, it's me.
It's Pop tart.
Calm down, calm down.
You're okay, you're okay.
Time to take the armor off.
You and me both, okay, bear?
Can you be brave for me, bear?
It's okay, bear.
It's okay.
Oh, baby.
Oh, baby.
This off now, let
you see what the
real world looks like.
You killed those
two girls, Wayne?
Wayne.
And that camper girl?
Those are innocent
people, Wayne.
Who's innocent?
The boy's handicapped!
He's not a boy,
he's a grown ass man,
and if you ask me, you're just
as much to blame as he is,
so I would shut
it, if I were you!
He's never hurt you, has he?
Let him be.
You wanna wipe the slate clean?
Yeah.
He can't be here anymore.
Either you do it, or I will.
You got your orders.
He is what will always
be great about humanity.
No matter how deep
the shit gets...
His spirit is undying.
God damn national monument.
Come here, bear.
I swore to your momma I'd protect
ya until your last breath.
I can't let 'em take
you away in chains, boy.
Y'all ain't even
my fucking kids.
Jesus fuck, Annie!
Burl and I had unfinished
business I just finished.
I am done with
this fucking shit!
I am done with your
fucking schemes!
I'm out, okay?
Just try and hold
it together, Penelope!
Okay?
We're almost done here.
Now, kindly remove the
gag from Mr. Baumgarner,
and we can get down to
business, do you understand?
You crazy bitches.
I've always wanted to ask
you something, Mr. Baumgarner.
Face to face.
You never camped here.
You don't know us.
So, our family, our
story, our history,
was that just
about money to you?
What's wrong with money?
Nothing's wrong with money,
we love money.
This little adventure that
we are currently engaged in
is entrepreneurial in nature.
I bet this was so cute.
Oh, yeah, babe.
You have no idea how
deep inside of you I am.
Every man has to answer
for his sins, Roland.
Fuck, just as Burl.
What about Burl?
What about Burl?
Pictures and the laptop, please.
Oh, thank you.
I realize there needs
to be incentives
for both parties for a deal.
Yeah, us backward folk,
we got lots of cousins,
like cousin Kara?
She thinks you're
gross, by the way.
So, what do you say, Roland?
Shall we commence with the
first official business
transaction for the newly
reopened Merrymaker camp ground?
- Transaction?
- Mm-hm!
6523343013, know that number?
Yeah, that one just
happens to be my fave.
I'm gonna need
the password, hon.
The password is blow me, bitch.
I need that money
to get out of here,
so you're gonna
fucking cooperate.
Or we can do this the I'm
your biggest fan misery way.
It's totally up to you, but
I really don't wanna have to
go after the wife and the kids
and the white picket fence.
I'm fuckin' tired, Ro.
Double one, three, oh.
Isabella.
What is this?
What is it?
There's got to be another
account or something, right?
Is this where you need to
put the minimum balance, or...
I thought you said that
this was hundreds of thousands
- of dollars?
- Just shut up, Penelope.
You wrote a best-seller,
10 million copies sold.
Where's the money, Roland?
Who do you think I am?
Steven fucking King?
I've written one book.
From which the distribution
takes a cut, agent fees,
manager fees, fucking
attorney fees, all plus tax!
Oh, my god, this is pathetic.
No, what's pathetic is that
my wife makes the real money.
- If it wasn't for her...
- Wait!
He fucking writes a new book.
What?
We just gave him
the perfect story.
He survived a Bigfoot attack!
You do need a hit, Roland,
be good for your ego.
And apparently the Bigfoot
is very popular right now.
Yeah, he writes a Bigfoot book,
he gets to live, and the
checks start coming in,
like from donors or something,
and we never have to
fucking see him again.
Oh, Poppy.
This is turning out so
much better than I planned.
Okay!
With a down payment
today, of course.
So, uh, Mr. Baumgarner.
I would like to be the first
to thank you for your generous,
albeit paltry 18,000 dollar
donation to the Merrymaker
camp grounds memorial
and conservation fund.
So, about how long, just
ballpark, do you think
it's gonna take to whip out a
first draft of this new book?
Just shoot me.
Ah.
That would be what's referred
to as a bad business decision.
Do we have a deal or what?
Do I have a choice?
No.
Three months, no
more than 300 pages.
I could live with that.
And you're gonna live with that.
Okay, that is a deal.
Deal.
What do you
say we untie the man?
Alright.
Take it easy gettin' up out
of the chair there, Ro-Ro.
Probably smart a bit.
Oh, fuck.
Come on, bud, you're not a hero.
Just shut up, okay?
Or I will blow your
fucking tits off,
and burn this shit heap to
the ground, so help me god.
That's a tranq gun, you doof.
Is that right, Pops?
Ah, you stay right there.
Now, give me the keys
of your fucking truck.
Okay?
Roland, you got nothing.
I would not be so quick
to rush home to the wife,
if I were you.
If I were you, I'd
go fuck yourself.
And by the way, no deal.
No fucking Bigfoot deal.
Bigfoot is so played out.
I really don't think
that you are considering
the ripples that these
actions will take.
Oh, I have thought
about the ripples.
I'm gonna kill you,
but before I kill you,
I'm gonna answer your
fucking question.
You wanna know why
I chose this place?
It's because people
in the real world
don't give a fuck
what happens out here.
That's why it's called the
middle of fuckin' nowhere, okay?
Whatever you say, doesn't
fucking mean shit in my world.
So, yeah, the answer is yes.
You and your fucked up camp
and your fucked up family
paid for my dream house, now
give me the fucking keys,
so I can get the
fuck home, okay?
The fucking keys, now.
That's right.
Oh, shit.
You stay right there.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
No, shh, baby.
Oh!
What happened to you?
Who did this to you?
Shh, shh.
Baby, what happened?
Tell me.
Roland.
Look at me, baby, what
happened, what happened?
Who did this to you?
Ro, who did this to you?
I was attacked.
By who?
Roland?
Who did this to you?
Who?
Bigfoot.
Honey, look at me, look at me.
- Kara.
- Oh, hi, Christine.
Um, is Roland around?
No, he's not home right now.
Okay, um, is he okay?
I heard he was attacked or...
He's doing much
better now, thank you.
But he resigned
from the university.
Are you guys moving?
That's exciting, where to?
Is there something I
can help you with, Kara?
Yeah, sorry.
Yeah, I was cleaning my
apartment, and found this.
I figured you should
probably want it back.
- Mystery solved, thank you.
- Yeah.
Well, you know, whatever happens,
I hope at least inspires,
you know, some good writing,
he's a good teacher.
Well, I'll
let him know you stopped by.
Yeah, I mean,
he always told me to take my
work really seriously, so...
I thought all work and no
play makes Ro-Ro a dull boy?
I'm sorry, did I startle you?
What, what's this?
- It's the missing key.
- I know, where'd you find it?
Kara had it.
Oh.
I didn't know you gave her one.
I didn't.
When did she
come by, when'd you see her?
So, um, Penguin called.
And, uh, offered me an
assistant editor position,
and I've agreed to take it.
Contingent that they publish
my first attempt at a novel.
That's what this is.
Oh my, honey, that's amazing.
Why didn't you tell me before?
'Cause I just recently
figured out how to end it.
You know all horror
stories end the same way.
You got to kill the
monster, right?
This is huge, I
can't wait to read it.
It's gonna be your
first big hit.
Well, let's not get
ahead of ourselves here.
I know I keep saying it, but,
maybe this whole thing was
really a blessing in disguise.
No pain, no gain, right?
If you believe
that kind of thing.
What'd you find to write
about that was so horrifying?
All kinds of things I wish
I didn't know about you.
Oh, no.
Ghosts on the hills
Weirdos on the boulevard
Kissin' goodbye to
their vanishing dreams
As their life
is blowing apart
Fall out
In a bar brawl estate
Fall out
In a colorful haze
For every shadow
There's a different
A different story
For every shadow
There's a different
A different story
A million dollars
Actors on the screen
You would give your life
for a place in their sheets
But you'll never
cure your fears