Do you think mom is hot?
No. Not really.
Why?
I don't know.
She's not my type.
You don't think
she's pretty?
Like, even if
she wasn't mom?
Uh, look, every opinion
is subjective.
You know, maybe she's pretty
in the universal sense.
I mean, who the fuck knows?
I'm just saying she
doesn't do it for me.
Do you think other people
think she's hot?
I don't know.
I mean, some people
fucking like McDonald's.
I like McDonald's.
Right, and apparently,
you think mom is hot, so.
What took you so long?
Find yourself a nice morbidly
obese rest stop suitor
To take that much needed edge
off the family road trip?
- I just got that.
- Yeah, me too.
Mom?
Shut up and get
in the car, Elliot.
Ben, who gave you
money for that shit?
Dad.
Guess her bathroom tryst
was not satisfying.
Seat belts.
We good?
Um, okay.
And action!
So, Lynn.
Where are we headed?
We're going to Annapolis,
Maryland.
Hmm. And why?
Why are we going
to Annapolis, Maryland?
Because my oldest son,
your brother,
Is getting married.
Hmm. Now what is his name?
Dylan.
And, um, his bride to be?
Does she hail from Annapolis?
Yes. She does.
And what is her name?
Her name is Heather, Elliot.
Heather.
And do you like this
Heather Elliot?
she's very sweet.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
So then, you have
three sons, correct?
And a daughter.
Your sister Alice.
And does this... this Alice.
Is she, uh, from
a previous marriage maybe
Or the current one?
She's from a previous one.
Hmm. And, um,
this daughter, Alice,
Does she live with you
or the ex-husband?
She lives with us, Elliot.
Hmm, and this Dylan character.
Let's return to him
for a moment.
Does he also reside with us?
That's not funny, Elliot.
Okay, well,
I'm not trying to be funny.
I'm just trying to
establish the residency
Of the two eldest children.
Yeah, well, I've had enough.
Okay, well,
maybe we'll circle
Back around to that
a little later.
We won't circle back
around to anything later.
Okay, well, um,
moving right along then.
Moving right along.
Uh, let's see.
This daughter, Alice.
Is she coming to
the wedding?
Why are you doing
this, Elliot?
Why... why am I...
You know, to document.
Document.
The... the travels
and the wedding
And just family time.
I'm not interested.
In what? You're not interested
in keeping a record?
No.
Okay, then how will we know that
any of this even took place?
You know, that it existed.
That what took place?
The wedding.
All that surrounds matrimony.
I'm sure they hired
a videographer.
True, but those guys don't
really dig deep enough.
Okay, you know what, Elliot?
I have...
Mom! Watch out! Watch out!
Jesus fuck! Fuck.
Turn that fucking
camera off, Ben!
Turn it off!
Taylor, like, told me
that mom and dad
Bought grandma and
grandpa this house.
I don't wanna hear another
word from either of you
For the next 24 hours.
Well, is that,
like, true?
Do you think I'm kidding?
I will take away every fucking
privilege you have.
Oh ho, and you are
quite privileged.
That goes for you too, Elliot.
Alice gets here
in three days.
Please, I'm begging you.
Don't make this any more
difficult for me
Than it already is.
I won't.
And no smoking.
Your grandfather already
has one foot in the grave.
But not from smoking.
It doesn't matter.
Oh, and just so
you're prepared,
The last time you went to rehab,
I told them you were in Sweden.
Sweden? What?
Jesus. I don't know
anything about Sweden.
Oh, shit.
Oh. Fantastic.
What happened?
Dad's heart slowed
down again.
Was he okay?
Is he alive?
He's fine.
He's all right.
They're just making sure
everything's okay.
Don't go in there.
Dad?
You can't say the
pacemaker doesn't do its job.
- Mom?
- He's stable, Doris.
Mom, are you okay?
Yes, I'm fine thanks,
don't worry.
Does that feel good?
Well, I don't understand.
He has a heart attack...
No, no, no.
It wasn't a heart attack.
The fentanyl just set
off his pacemaker.
Slowed down his heart.
Yeah, well, why didn't you
take him to the hospital?
I mean, I don't think he...
Why don't you go
get settled now.
I know you're worried,
ma'am, but he's stable.
In fact, he's fine.
Just needs to rest up a bit.
Take it easy.
In the morning, Doris,
you can give his doctor a call.
See what he thinks,
but his vitals are solid.
Yeah. I know.
Thank you so much
for coming, Jason.
I really appreciate it.
Has that wife of yours
had the baby yet?
- Two more weeks.
- Oh, good.
I gotta tell you girls,
your mother is just a doll.
You. Thanks again.
- You're welcome.
- Hey, can I ask you something?
If you took one of these
say with, like, Aderol
And you're about 130 pounds.
Could... could you stroke?
When's dinner coming?
I don't know.
Just be patient.
So, man, you all right?
You feeling all right?
You look a little pale there.
You need vitamin D.
I read...
You read that report, Donna.
It's not like I'm sick, I'm just
not really into the sun.
So it's like a trend
or something?
I think it's the Goth thing.
No, it's not Goth.
I'm not Goth.
But you always wear black.
That's Goth. He's Goth.
Brandon, isn't Elliot Goth?
Oh, god, Donna, do you remember
when he was 12 years old?
I'm, not.
Brandon pantsed him,
He was wearing Lynn's
pantyhose under his jeans?
Hysterical!
You don't still do that,
do you?
Go from fried chicken
to grilled chicken.
- Food's here!
- It's here.
What it is, is global warming.
That's exactly what it is.
I'm telling you right now.
The record temperature,
the hottest summer ever
Was back in the 1950s.
Tell me how
that makes sense.
Where do you get this?
Actually, since 1880,
Average temperatures around
the world have risen
1.4 degrees Fahrenheit.
What is he?
Doogie Howser?
No, because Doogie Howser
was a resident surgeon.
I was scared to death when I saw
that ambulance in the driveway.
- He's in bad shape.
- He's not in bad shape.
He just hates sitting around
all day with nothing to do.
But he's a fighter, mother.
He is.
Lord knows,
we've been through this before.
You couldn't kill him with
a double barreled shotgun.
The doctor said his heart
only had 30% capacity.
Yeah, but he's
in good spirits.
Well, that's good.
Lack of oxygen!
I would just like
to say to everyone,
That I make fantastic Martinis.
Sit down.
That's original recipe,
crispy, extra crispy.
Yo, wait until you see
Heather's friends, man.
Dude, your dick
will be dying, son.
It's fucking...
fucking fire.
My dick will be dying?
Tell you, man, these bitches
are fucking delish.
Just like top notch,
you know?
It's just that pussy
you dream of.
Intriguing.
Hope you don't mind, man.
I keefed the nuggs with
a little bit of llello.
No, it sure as shit
beats the two packs
Of Coricidin cough & cold
I ate last night.
What do you mean Alice isn't
coming until Friday?
Nothing, just that Alice
will be here Friday.
The rehearsal dinner
is on Saturday.
I know that, Bonnie,
but everything will be fine.
Can't she come any earlier?
No, she can't.
She has things to do.
And... and this way,
Lee doesn't have
to drive down tomorrow.
Lee is driving?
I thought he always hired a car.
Bonnie, please.
I just got here.
- Don't get all worked up, Lynn.
- I'm not getting worked up.
I'm just asking.
Could we please not
get into a whole thing?
I'm not getting
into a whole thing!
Hey, ladies.
Can't we just get along?
Hey, who was it
that said that?
- The guy... the police beating.
- Black guy.
He's blind.
Who?
The dog.
Pinky bones.
Thank Christ.
What a gift from god.
If the dog could see his outfit,
he'd fucking immolate himself.
My mom designed
that outfit.
She opened up a business.
Well, that's what she said.
I think it's a good idea.
Trying to be supportive.
Oh, this poor dog.
That's fucking fashion.
It's a dog, man.
That's abusive.
That's what I've always
said about Lynn.
She has to make
everything about her
And her family and her
problems and their issues.
It's not about her,
it's about Dylan.
It's his wedding.
He wants her at
the wedding, right?
He wants Alice
at the wedding.
And she has her therapist
so she can talk to Paul.
I mean, who goes to a therapist
to talk to their ex-husband?
I don't know why you ask me
these kinds of questions.
Well, 'cause Elliot's
doctors just wanted...
No, there isn't.
So nobody in your family
had any history of depression,
Or obsessive
compulsive disorder...
- No. No.
- ... Severe an...
Well, where'd he come from, mom?
The planet Mars?
Oh, maybe so.
But didn't dad's dad
have some kind of a...
Didn't he drink heavily?
Well, yeah,
but that was, you know.
Did he die of drinking?
No, of course not.
He, um, you know.
He...
What?
He shot himself.
He shot himself?
Yeah.
Well, I'd say
that's something.
It was a different time, Lynn.
It was during the depression.
A lot of people
shot themselves.
You know, I wasn't
crazy about Sweden
I mean, it was...
it was freezing.
Really? Even in June?
Yeah, you know, maybe it was
Just my preconceived
notions of Sweden.
Pro... probably.
It's probably just
psychosomatic.
- I have anxiety.
- Careful.
I'm on medication.
Well, we all know that.
...Limited spectrum of our
intellect and what we are.
Our ancestors struggled
and fought and died...
Oh, no fucking way.
It's gonna be weird, like,
meeting mom's ex-husband.
I guess so.
I've never even, like,
seen a picture of him before.
I did.
Well, what's he look like?
Kind of generic.
Know who he looked like?
He looked like T.J.
Our old babysitter.
But didn't Paul used to be,
like, physically abusive?
Yeah, I think so.
So are you gonna,
like, kick his ass?
Ben... Ben, why would
I kick his ass?
I don't know.
'cause he, like,
used to hit mom and shit?
Yeah.
I've hit mom before.
Come on.
Fuck.
Alice, are you sure you feel
strong enough to come down here?
No. Okay, okay.
Okay, I'm just asking.
No, no, that will be fine.
I am just going to talk
to Paul very calmly.
I'm gonna do just what
Dr. Marcus said to.
Why would there be a fight?
It's just going
to be me and Paul
And that... that therapist
whose profile we saw online.
Don't worry, Alice.
Exactly, exactly.
That's the plan.
That's all. That's the plan.
Jesus fuck.
Dude, I gotta drop a deuce!
Oh, shit.
Donna, go ask your father
what he wants for breakfast.
Come on, come on.
Let's go see.
Let's go see.
Let's go see what
granddad wants.
- Say hello, granddaddy!
- Oh, hi, baby.
Hey. Daddy, what do you
want for breakfast?
A bowl of life.
Ah, we're all out of life.
Oh.
Are you crying?
- No, no, no. That, it's...
- are you sure?
Yes.
Okay, well, what do you
want for breakfast?
Pancakes. Well done.
Okay, come on.
Who's a stinky pinky?
Say I'm a stinky pinky.
Boo-do-boo-do-boo. Yay.
I think daddy's been crying.
Was he watching
"The Price is Right"?
Yeah.
It's that darn home
defibrillator
Commercial they
always play.
It just makes him
so emotional.
Did he say what he
wants for breakfast?
Delicious. Mmmm.
Yeah, pancakes. Well done.
Have you eaten?
No, I have to go get ready.
For what?
I'm... I'm gonna go see Paul.
Oh. I just don't get it.
What don't you get, mom?
I think you're just
asking for trouble.
I don't understand why we
can't just have a nice time.
Mom, I...
You always have to stir
the pot, don't you?
What're you doing
in my bathroom?
I was just
dropping a deuce.
- A what?
- A deuce.
Like, deuce deuce,
which is, like,
Gangsta rap for tony 2 pistol,
But subtract one deuce
and you just get 2?
Like, the number?
Dropping a number 2?
Taking a poop?
What is wrong with you?
Well, I was
diagnosed with...
I know what you were
diagnosed with, Ben.
I'm your mother.
Is it my genes?
Is it my...
Am I a bad mother?
Well, actually,
I was thinking about it,
And both Elliot
and I have problems,
So I was wondering if it was
dad's genes, you know?
But then Alice is
also fucked up, so...
Don't cuss, Ben.
Sorry, I won't, but, like,
The only one who
is normal is Dylan.
And you didn't raise
him, like, at all.
So I concluded that
it must be you.
'cause, like, you're the
only common denominator.
I love you so much.
Come here.
Give me hug.
Did you wash your hands?
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, go ahead.
I'm... I'm on my way now.
- Bye. Uh-huh.
- Bye.
Ben, will you come take these
to your grandfather, please?
You know this whole
well done pancake thing,
It's just been in the
last two weeks.
His whole life, he liked
them golden and fluffy.
Now he wants them blacker than
the lady on the syrup bottle.
mom, you are
such a southern girl.
Don't tell anyone
I said that.
Whatever, you're, like, twice
as old as civil rights anyway.
Just take a tile, Donna.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
So was granddaddy still crying
when you went in there?
I don't know.
He wasn't there.
All right, blood.
Come on to the head.
Granddad?
Granddad's not here.
Whatever.
Daddy, you in here?
Oh.
Sorry.
Okay, sorry.
Hello, Lynn.
I'm Dr. Stanwyck.
It's nice to meet you.
Come on in.
Thanks.
- Hello, Lynn.
- Hey.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
Hi, Lynn.
Hi. I didn't realize that...
Of course, don't be silly.
Why wouldn't I be here?
You did say that this
was a family crisis.
Yeah, I told Paul
it was pressing.
Exactly.
Let's all sit down.
So as Lynn explained
to me over the phone,
Your son, Dylan...
Our son.
Our son.
Right, right.
I understand.
Dylan and Alice are the
children you and Paul had, Lynn.
Now, Dylan has asked Alice
To be the maid of honor
at his wedding, Sunday.
Is that right so far?
- Yes.
- That's right, that's right.
And, um, Alice...
It's not a very easy time
for her right now.
So, I was thinking that
it'd be a good idea
If Paul and I could, um,
Talk through some issues
before she came down on Friday.
Daddy!
Daddy!
Where are you?
How is any of
this my fault?
It's not your fault.
I haven't seen or spoken
to my daughter in 7 years.
And I have no clue as to why.
- It's not what I wanted.
- No, it's what Alice wanted.
Is that really what Alice wanted
or is that what you wanted?
You certainly haven't
made any effort
To make it any better over
the last 7 years.
If that's even the truth,
Then I will ask Alice
to explain it to me.
Because I wanna start
resolving this once and for all
And put it behind us.
No, that is exactly what I'm
trying to get you not to do.
Lynn...
Not speak with
his daughter?
...Is this some sort of scheme
To get me down here to tell me
That I can't speak to my own
daughter at my son's wedding?
Maybe this isn't for you
to decide anymore.
Maybe that's what
you're afraid of.
I mean, Alice is old enough
to decide herself.
That's right.
This is between me
and Alice, Lynn.
It doesn't concern you.
Patty, seriously,
This has absolutely nothing
to do with you.
I think this has everything
to do with me.
I am her stepmother.
How could you be
her stepmother
When she doesn't even
consider him her father?
- Well, he is.
- No, he isn't.
- Yes, he is.
- Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Being a father entails
certain responsibilities.
Yeah, so
does being a mother.
Okay, everybody, look.
I understand this is an
emotionally charged issue,
But let's try to stay
on course here.
I don't think Lynn means to say
that what Alice is going through
Is your fault, Paul.
Fine.
But I should be able
to talk to my daughter...
Yes, you should.
...About whatever's
going on in her life.
If my daughter
is going through
Some sort of self-destructive
phase then I want to he...
Wait, what, what?
You think this is a phase?
- That's not what he said.
- That's exactly what he said!
It's not what he meant.
I'm just trying
to protect my daughter.
- From who?
- From what?
From you!
- What did he...?
- I just explained it to you!
You just so enjoy trying
to tear this family apart.
Isn't that what
this is all about?
So that's his story now?
Is that the story you tell
everybody, Paul?
That I wanted to leave
alone with my daughter
And not raise my son.
Is that what you told her when
you were crying on her shoulder?
Did you leave out the part
Where you said,
go, Lynn, go?
Go and take Alice.
But if you take Dylan,
I'll take both your kids.
- What else did you leave out?
- All I know is that...
...I love my daughter.
And apparently,
she doesn't know that, Lynn,
And I don't understand it.
I don't understand that.
I don't give a fuck
what you understand,
Because what I know
is that my daughter
Has been silently slicing
at her arms and legs
With a straight-edged
razor for six years.
A straight-edged razor!
Now what don't you understand,
you solipsistic fuck?
Daddy?
Daddy?
Scared.
Daddy?
Oh, daddy.
Oh, my god.
Daddy.
What the hell are
you doing out here?
Don't say that word.
Third time in a month.
I just can't take it anymore.
Are you filming this?
Um...
Oh.
You're treating me
like an animal.
Well, that's
what's going on.
It's either this, daddy,
or the old folks home.
You make the choice.
Okay.
Okay, boys lift it.
I'm not an animal.
She's running a little late.
I hope you're ready because
we have so much planned.
Brandon.
How you doing, buddy?
Heather looks beautiful.
She lost a lot of weight.
Yeah.
She looks great.
I saw Paul today.
Dad told me.
How'd it go?
Oh, it went very well.
I think we're really
making progress.
Yeah. Really?
Well, doesn't he look wonderful?
How long has it been
since you've seen him?
- Six months?
- Four months.
Six months. Well.
I'm glad that at least you have
this little bit of time
To spend with your mother.
Shit.
Patty keeps asking me if I'm
gonna walk her to her seat.
Oh. Absolutely.
I understand completely.
Are you kidding me?
You're my mother.
Ugh. I bet she has something
ridiculous like a vibrator
On the bed or something
ridiculous, she's disgusting.
Listen, listen.
So I open the bathroom door,
And I find Elliot in the buff,
Completely naked...
Putting on Lynn's lipstick.
Hey. What's up?
Just bonding with family.
But they're
all over there.
Yes, Ben.
I realize that.
Thank you.
So, uh, what're
you doing then?
Nothing, Ben.
I'm doing absolutely nothing.
Does everyone seem
happy out there?
Yeah, of course, dad.
Um, the grass.
Does it seem a bit
overgrown to you?
No, not at all.
Landscapers do a great job.
You don't have to
worry about that.
It's my property.
I feel like I should be
taking care of it myself.
Yeah, but it's a good thing
that you don't have to, right?
You know that Elliot hasn't
even said a word to me?
What?
Didn't even say hello.
You know Elliot's...
Elliot's having a tough time.
17 is not an easy age.
I don't understand what's
so tough about his life.
He's a good looking kid,
You got all the money
in the world,
And he goes to all
the best schools.
He gets thrown out
of the best schools, dad.
You guys are just too
lenient with him.
You don't discipline
him enough.
He has to have
some consequences.
Okay, we do discipline him.
Elliot has a chemical imbalance
in his brain.
It's real.
He has depression,
Obsessive compulsive
disorder,
He has Tourette's
syndrome for god's sake.
He suffers from
severe anxiety
And he has difficulty
managing his emotions.
Now he's in therapy
and he's doing much better.
If you say so, baby.
Hello, Tiffany.
Are you over the shock yet?
I am.
Ready to play?
I am, thank you.
Okay, I wanna
start you off...
They're slashing
regular health care
Like cancer surgery
or having a broken leg fixed...
Did you see the girl,
remember Brandon was talking to?
Life is just
closing in on you, Dylan.
No. No.
She's cool.
What? You're just gonna keep
saying it over and over again?
You know this isn't Peter Pan.
We can all clap our hands
and say we believe,
But it still doesn't mean
you're gonna enjoy
Only having sex with Tinkerbell
for the rest of your life.
Tinkerbell's hot, man.
Tinkerbell's very small.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
What're you doing
later tonight?
- I don't know.
- I don't know, man.
Maybe I'll have a drinking
contest with granddad.
You know, every time
there's a Fox news alert
We could throw back
a shot of prune juice.
- First to shit loses.
- All right, all right.
Think I'll win?
Well, if you fucking
get bored of that...
- Impossible.
- ... We're gonna go to a party.
- Oooh.
- You should come.
Yeah, good deal.
I should tell my mom,
but she'll be cool.
Yeah, we're gonna get out.
We'll fucking roll out of here
in, like, 20 minutes, so.
Yeah, I should probably
take a shower.
I haven't showered in,
like, a week.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take a shower. You know.
You know, um...
You know, wash that hair
and, uh,
Throw on a little bit
of mommy's lipstick.
Whatever it is that you need to
do to get ready for the night.
Look there's...
There's a lot more
to that though.
Just fucking with you.
You'll get a kick out
of the real story.
I'm just fucking with you, man.
I'm not trying to...
Just sayin'.
Whatever it is you like
to do, do it.
You made a very
big mistake.
Who're you talking to?
Your father.
Oh, cool.
So, listen, I'm thinking
I'm going to go out
With Brandon later.
Lee, let me call you
back in a minute.
Nope. It's 10 P.M.
So?
What do you mean, so?
Well, I mean why
can't I go?
Because I said so.
Because Brandon
is five years older
And I don't like you
hanging out with him.
So what am I supposed to do?
Sit around and play
fucking rummy cube
With your demented family?
You could spend some time
with your grandfather.
Oh, great. Yeah.
The guy's a fucking zombie.
Don't be so mean, Elliot.
Oh, well, sorry, mom.
He watches Fox news
while he sleeps.
That's like the textbook
definition of zombie.
Have you been drinking?
No. Of course not.
Have you been doing
any drugs with Brandon?
No. I fucking promise.
Don't lie to me, Elliot.
I'm not lying to you, mom.
Then why are you acting out?
I'm not acting out.
Elliot, I swear to god,
If you have relapsed,
You're going right back
to Silver Hill.
I can't take
any more chances.
I'm not! Mom!
Just stop being such
a fucking bitch!
Don't talk to me that way!
Then stop accusing me
of shit I didn't do!
Okay, just lower your voice.
Why do you gotta be
such a fucking bitch?
What the fuck
is your problem?
Elliot, back away.
- Why? I'm not doing anything.
- Just back away now.
- I'm not doing anything.
- Elliot, please.
- I'm not doing anything.
- Just back away.
- You fucking cunt!
- No, no, no!
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack go under the limbo stick.
Yo, bachelor party.
Shit's gonna be
off the ho-ok.
Oh, my bad, my bad.
Not cool.
Yo, where'd that
nigga Elliot go?
It's just so scary.
Doesn't it scare you?
Are you even aware of it
when it's happening?
Yeah, but it's like...
It's like this
switch gets flipped.
And something snaps
inside of me and I...
And...
Well, where does
it come from?
Because your reactions
to things are so extreme
It's just not normal.
It's like...
The moment I get here,
I'm forced to lie.
Lie about being
in fucking Sweden
And, you know,
Trying to hide the fact
that I have fucking issues.
So you can't...
you can't escape.
I know.
Like they only see you
in these stages.
These intermittent
stages of your life,
Which are usually embarrassing
Because growing up
fucking sucks.
They just cling on to them
And bring them up
whenever you're around.
That's because
that's all they have.
They don't know you, Elliot.
So, it's just like, the only
thing that ties us together
Are these horrible, fucking
moments of our lives.
I mean shit you wish had
never happened.
It's like everything
you're trying to avoid.
You don't want Alice
to come here
And deal with all the traumatic
shit of her childhood
And you're trying
to explain to them
That this could be really
fucking detrimental
But they don't understand.
They never will.
So you drive yourself crazy,
Alice cuts herself
and I just...
Turn into fucking
Glenn Beck.
So...
Are you gonna tell
dad about this?
Yeah, I have to.
It's exactly where
it's supposed to be.
I'm Lynn Hellman.
Uh, hi.
Foreman Fred.
May I help you with anything?
Well, not unless
you have a solution
On how to get a twelve foot
stake into the ground
Without damaging
the irrigation system.
Did you just wake up?
No.
You know, I was just thinking
that maybe the tent
Wasn't in the
right position.
That maybe if we move it
and if you face it this way...
We, Lynn, um, spent a lot of
time with Dylan and Heather
Going over all this.
I'm sure they would've
appreciated your input
About a month ago,
but irregardless,
I think that Fred and I've
got it covered, don't we?
We certainly do.
Of course, I have taken
orders from this little lady
For how many years?
- 15 years?
- Oh, jesus.
Am I getting old?
You, on the other hand,
you haven't aged a day.
Well, you know I'm not gonna
ever let you see me
Without my full
fluff and fold.
And a mighty fine
fluff and fold it is.
Oh, you.
You are a sweetheart.
You're gonna get me
in trouble with Paul.
I think this pollen
is giving me a migraine now.
I'm just gonna go inside.
Go inside.
Well I'll make sure
and share your thoughts
With Heather and Dylan.
I know they'll
appreciate it.
Donna.
Donna!
Donna?
- Like that hat, Donna!
- Thank you, thank you.
I can not the way she just
waltzed on to our property.
Somebody had to help
Heather with the wedding.
- Her mother has lupus.
- It's not lupus.
She says it's lupus.
It's chronic fatigue.
We all know what
that's about.
Whatever it is,
she can't help at all.
It's just so sad.
Poor Heather.
Paul's company put up
the entire tent for free.
Saved her family a fortune.
All that flirting is so
inappropriate.
And that... and that...
that tarzan outfit.
Lynn, you're wearing a robe.
- I just woke up.
- Oh.
I had a horrible
night's sleep.
Don't get defensive.
No one cares.
No one cares.
Do you think Alice,
like, might wanna kill herself?
No, of course not.
But, like, one day
do you think she'll...
No, Ben. No.
She's gonna be fine.
I guess.
No, totally.
All right?
I was wondering,
Do you think autistic
people know they're autistic?
I think it depends
on how severe it is,
But in most cases,
I imagine so.
Yeah, because,
I know I was diagnosed with,
like, mild Asperger's syndrome,
But I didn't think
I was autistic.
No, you're definitely not.
Why? Did someone say that?
Yeah.
Donna was talking about
it to Bonnie and grandma.
With you in the room?
Yeah, but they
were whispering.
They didn't know I could hear.
But I've got, like,
amazing hearing.
I mean, like, I could
hear shit below 20 Hertz.
I just don't understand
Why you have to redesign
the whole dress.
I'm just putting
sleeves on it, mom.
It's not that big a deal.
Maybe not to you.
What's that
supposed to mean?
All I'm saying is that
I think that Alice
Would like to fit in
with the rest of the party
Rather than standing out
like a sore thumb.
Okay, you know what?
This is not up for debate.
Now don't get all
huffy and puffy.
I'm not getting
all huffy and puffy.
Now, you're in a state.
Am I right?
Hello? Oh, hi, Paul.
Oh, it's fantastic.
We're all so
excited around here.
Yeah, right.
Joe, he's...
he's getting weaker.
Yeah, he keeps...
I once saw this PBS special with
all these great doo-wop singers.
Donna, please, shhh.
What? Oh, Paul?
She'll be on the phone
for at least 20 minutes.
- They do this every couple...
- I know that.
Yeah, that's Lynn.
I know. Oh, yeah.
That's right. Oooh, when?
I could just about
kill you right now.
In that case,
you'll have to pop inside.
I'll make you a cup of coffee.
Good. All right.
Well then I'll see the two of
you real soon, huh?
Okay, Paul, say hello
to the girls for me.
Yeah. Bye-bye.
Mom?
Mmm?
Mom, what did you just do?
What?
Did you just
invite them over?
Oh, good lord.
Are you pretending
to be oblivious,
Or do you really
not get it?
Get what?
How that might
make me feel?
Suddenly,
there was such a racket.
Seems like every guy on the ship
was yelling his head off.
So I got out of the room,
I ran up the stairs.
All the way up to the top deck
to see what was going on,
And there's a woman
standing there.
So I look over
and I'm looking.
And all of a sudden,
I realize
That's Doris
Standing there waiting for me.
Granddad?
Dude, did he
just die on camera?
It's okay.
You don't joke about that.
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't... I didn't mean to
cause any sort of...
False alarm, don't worry.
- What happened?
- He did look dead, though.
He looked, like,
really dead.
Did something happen to dad?
- No.
- Yeah, something did happen.
No, nothing happened.
Something happened.
We thought he was dead.
- Elliot...
- we have it on camera.
What did you do
to him, Elliot?
What did I do...
nothing, mom.
What're you doing
with that camera?
Okay, he was telling a story
about World War II, and...
You brought up politics?
No, I didn't bring
up politics.
- For fuck's sake.
- Elliot!
Oh, you guys have never
heard the fuck word before?
Okay, Elliot,
just go to your room.
Mom, I'm not six years old
and I don't have a room.
This isn't my house.
Last I heard,
Your name was on
the fucking title.
Oh, oh, oh.
- You are a real asshole.
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
- You know that.
- I wasn't supposed to say it.
Okay, just get out.
Get out.
- Get out!
- Yeah, I'm on my way.
- Hey, aren't you...
- eat shit, Paul.
Some manners that kid has.
Oh, fuck you, Paul.
I'm sorry, I apologize.
I'm sorry.
Um, would anyone
like some tea or coffee?
Pass those, would you, dear?
- Paul wants some.
- Oh, they look delicious.
Wait till you all see Alice.
Oh, god. What a beauty.
And she's just
as smart as a whip.
Really quick, yeah.
Really looking forward to having
a conversation with her.
Although, Lynn doesn't think
it's such a good idea.
I didn't say that, Paul.
Good. I'm glad there's
no problem then.
I'm just trying to make sure
Alice doesn't walk into
A, um, emotionally
volatile atmosphere.
It's a wedding, Lynn.
Weddings aren't volatile.
You know, Paul, I don't think
you really understand
Just how fragile
Alice is right now.
And it's not your fault.
At all.
You see, the psychology
of self-injuring
Is very complicated.
And I think what
Alice is... was doing
In her case is she was
trying to convert
Her emotional pain
into something tangible.
Like a physical pain.
I... I think we do understand.
Usually this kind of thing is
about seeking attention.
What, did I say
something stupid?
- Okay, Patty, could I just...
- No.
It has become
a fad these days.
It's not a fad.
- I think that...
- I don't care what you think.
I am just trying
to explain to you
What's going on
with our daughter.
And I think in her case,
It's about her trying
to gain control.
Over what?
Over everything.
Everything in this
child's entire life
Has been beyond her control.
Our divorce,
The fact that she was forced
to spend summers with you.
The fact that she grew up
without her brother.
All of it. She had no
control over any of it.
But you did.
No, mom. I didn't.
Paul, tell me if I'm crazy,
Because I really don't remember
anymore, I really don't.
I mean, I blocked
so much of it out
That I don't know what's
true and what's not.
The night before I left,
We were in the kitchen
And you were screaming at me
about something, I...
I think you...
I think you lost your
keys or something.
And Alice was
holding on to my leg.
And you were screaming.
You were really screaming.
And she was terrified.
She wouldn't let go.
And then you grabbed me
by my shirt,
And you punched me
in the face.
You grabbed me by my shirt
And you punched me
right in the face.
Now tell me, Paul,
Did that actually happen?
Yeah, it happened.
It must feel good
To get something like
that off your chest.
Hey, granddad.
Have you seen my camera?
Nope.
Oh, there it is.
Last night
I didn't sleep as usual.
I got to thinking,
Maybe around, like,
4 A.M or so,
That you know,
it seems like there's been
An inordinate amount
of drama since we got here.
And it made me think that,
If we come down here
for a funeral,
Instead of a wedding,
We might actually all
be getting along.
Now, begs the question
what does that mean?
And the only conclusion
I've been able to come to,
Is that death is actually
a more unifying force
Within family than love.
That's a mind
blowing concept.
It is a despicable
thing to say.
Really?
Really.
I mean, I know this sounds
kind of cynical, but...
I mean, take 9/11
for instance.
I know I was young
when it happened,
But honestly,
when I think about it,
It may have been the only time
in my entire life
That I ever really,
truly felt connected
To every single member
of my family.
Like some strange,
intangible nexus
Just unveiled itself
for a moment.
I know it's still there.
That's not what I'm saying.
I guess I just think it's
weird that it takes tragedy
To bring it out.
Well, I... perhaps it's just
the way you were brought up.
Mmm.
I am myself
and my circumstances.
Did you hear about Alice?
Yeah. I feel bad for her.
Supposedly, it's bad.
It's such a bizarre
thing to do to yourself.
I don't get it.
Now they're gonna sew
sleeves on her dress.
She's so gruesome.
Lynn says it's this
generation's anorexia.
Anorexia, I can understand.
Everybody wants to look good,
but this is just gross.
It is.
You don't do it, do you?
Any of your friends do it?
No, of course not.
See, so it's not
generational Donna.
I didn't say it,
Lynn said it.
I just hope
she looks nice.
Well, it may not matter.
- Why? What do you got?
- Why? What do you mean?
Lynn said something about
Not wanting to bring Alice
into this environment.
How could she do
such a thing, you know?
Do what?
Alice isn't coming
to the wedding!
What?
That is not
necessarily a given.
She wants
everything about her
Because she wants
all the attention
Because she's just
like her mother.
Who said she's not coming?
Donna said that
Lynn said it.
- I did not.
- Yes, you did.
How could she do that?
How could she just not come?
I dunno.
What?
How could she do that?
How could she not come?
How can she ruin
her brother's wedding?
What is wrong with you?
Who said she's
not coming, mom?
You should just tell her
to stop all this silly drama.
This isn't about her.
It's about Heather and Dylan.
It's their day.
I know that!
She is coming!
Who said she's not coming?
It doesn't matter who
said it for god's sakes, Lynn!
It was said!
You should've just told
her to call her father
And to resolve
this whole thing
Instead now
it's all ruined.
Oh, fine.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, thank god.
What's up, Alice?
- How are you?
- I'm good.
Yeah? Mom.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- I'm good. I'm good.
- You look good.
Thank you. Hi!
I'm not waiting
to give you a hug.
Good.
Thank you so much
for being here.
Hey, what's
cooking everybody?
Let's do all the introductions
and be pseudo polite...
For the love of granddad's
elusive god,
Can we just get dinner?
And school. How's school?
Do you have a boyfriend?
I know you do. You must because
you're too freaking gorgeous.
I suppose. It's good.
Bonnie, it's summer now.
Donna, can you please
pass the roast?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- No boyfriend?
- No.
There must be
someone out there.
No, I... I can cut it.
I don't mind.
I don't mind.
Donna. Donna, please stop it.
She can eat like
everyone else.
I bet you there's someone
waiting in the wings.
I think you lost
your keys or something.
But you were screaming at me.
And Alice was holding
on to my leg.
And she was terrified.
She wouldn't let go.
And then you grabbed me
by my shirt...
Shit, Alice.
I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
- That was a bad id...
I didn't think about it.
Dude, are you, like, crying?
I think Alice handled
the family very well.
Yeah, she and Dylan
were cracking up
About that dog in the outfit.
A cowboy.
I just don't know what I'm
supposed to do about Paul.
That's a tough one.
I just don't get
what the appeal is.
Of Paul?
No, the cowboy dog.
Are you even
listening to me?
Yeah, yeah. Of course.
I just can't
get over that dog.
Well, try, Lee.
He had these little holsters
and...
Little chaps he was wearing.
So I'm pretty sure
grandma's a sociopath.
No, I'm serious.
I think it requires
investigation.
I think you should write
your thesis paper on this.
Yeah, call it
"Heart of Darkness 4."
Thesis papers don't
have such poetic titles.
Yeah.
What the fuck are you doing
with drugs, Elliot?
You got out of your fourth
rehab three months ago.
Alice, come on.
Weed's not a real drug.
It's like a teddy bear.
Or a gecko.
You're not fucking around
with anything else?
No, of course not.
Seriously, Elliot.
You fucking scared us.
I promise.
You really wanna
open the floodgates
On the self-destructive
behavior,
Little Miss Mutilation?
No, it wasn't good.
You were really fucked up.
I know.
I get it.
I'm not doing
the bad shit anymore.
I'm just doing normal,
teenage drugs.
Wow. I see tablespoons,
Teaspoons,
Dinner forks,
Dessert forks.
But nary a knife in sight.
- Really?
- Yup.
Mmm-mmm.
The knives have migrated.
Maybe grandma's just baby
proofing the house
For granddad.
Do they honestly think
That access to a butter
knife is my problem?
Are you fucking kidding?
Abso-fucking-lutely they do.
Dude, granny baker's already
swapped out your lady bic
With a bucket of nair.
I need an
ambulance right away
To number 9 Overlook
Drive, please.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Don't touch him.
Yes, he's still breathing.
Thank you.
Don't worry.
This is what happens.
Are you on drugs?
What?
Did you,
like, take something?
Uh, yeah.
What'd you take?
Fentanyl.
What's Fentanyl?
It's like morphine.
81 times more potent.
Are you, like,
afraid of dying?
Every second.
Every day, yeah.
Doesn't make any sense.
I know.
What's it feel like?
Oh, in case your
mother didn't tell you,
I won't be at the
rehearsal dinner.
I'll be at the hospital
with your grandfather.
Where's Paul?
Doesn't look like he's here.
Well, like,
why isn't he here?
How the fuck
should I know?
I just think it's
weird, like,
What if he got into
a car accident or something?
Ben, shut the fuck up.
You're killing me.
Whatever.
Where's your sister?
Where's Alice?
Lee, would you go
check on Alice?
I'm... I'm wearing heels.
Alrighty.
Why didn't you
wear a shirt?
What do you mean?
This is a shirt.
No, it isn't a shirt.
That's a sweatshirt.
That's a shirt.
What's the holdup?
You ready?
You ready?
What do I say to him, dad?
Who?
Paul, what...
you know.
What do I say to him?
What'll we talk about?
Well, uh, you know I
understand it's... it's awkward,
But, oh, he'll
probably, uh,
He'll probably ask you
what you've been up to
And you'll tell him
and... and...
You'll ask him
and he'll tell you
And go on from there.
It's... it's
a rehearsal dinner.
It's not the
camp David accords.
Hey, are you hot?
Feeling good?
Absolutely.
Hey. Good to see you, Paul.
Lee, good to see you.
Oh, my god.
You guys look so big.
Wow.
Coming in for one.
Paul, how's it going, man?
Hanging in there.
Hey, how are you doing, man?
We met briefly, exchanged...
I don't know if you remember,
But it was powertul for me.
Alice, if you're comfortable,
I'm gonna take these
two virtuous maidens,
I'm going to defile them,
With my thoughts and opinions
On the current state
of organized religion
Which are controversial,
Paul, rest assured.
I'm sorry, he has problems.
Well, that's sort of evident.
Um, so, but you do not.
You, uh, you're all grown up.
It's amazing.
Sorry I missed it.
But, um,
thank you for coming.
It means a lot to everybody.
Yeah. I mean,
Charlie and Sam,
I hardly recognize them.
They're so grown up.
They always ask about you.
They're like how come Alice
doesn't live with us anymore?
Wait, is that how
they remember it?
Like when I come
for the summers?
They don't ever
think I lived there.
No, no, no, no.
- Why would they think that?
- It's not anything specific.
It's, uh, just more of a...
They were the little kids
and you were the big sister
And it's in the past and
that's where it should stay.
Um, and hopefully, everything's
forgiven, you know?
What, uh... the degree?
What, uh, is that
something interesting?
Yeah. It is interesting.
It's, um, child development.
- Uh-huh.
- Mmm-hmm.
So that means that you
would be a... a...
Take care of babies,
pediatrician or...?
No, child development
is more psychology.
Psychology.
Yeah, of course.
Must've gotten that
from your mother.
Got what?
You know, the thing.
With Lynn.
The therapist.
You know. Everything.
That wasn't just her.
Is everyone here now?
Okay. You wanna head in?
That's right.
And right down here.
That's excellent guys.
Now we're just going to split
off, okay perfect, thank you.
And right this way, sweetie.
Right over here.
That was great.
That was excellent.
And now if we could have the
groom walk his mom to her seat.
Okay, um...
It, uh... I just...
Dylan, didn't you tell her?
Tell me what, Lynn?
Uh...
I mean do you think that you can
just waltz right back into his...
- Well...
- life?
Did she push you
to do this to me?
No, no. No.
No, it's just that...
She's my mother, Patty.
And...
Weren't you the
one who said
"That parenting entails... "
"certain responsibilities",
right?
Well, I'm the one
that drove him to school.
I'm the one that put him to bed.
I'm the one who tickled his back
When he was afraid
and had a nightmare.
I'm the one who
washed his clothes.
Not you!
Not you!
I was the one who was
always there, not you.
Patty, why don't we
get a breath of air.
We are outside, Paul!
Fine. Back off.
Just calm down.
I'm... I'm sorr...
sorry.
I'm telling you, Lee,
now she's really gonna be
On the fucking warpath.
The fucking warpath.
How you doing back there,
Elliot?
I'm contemplating
the symbolic nature
Of this seating arrangement.
here come the Hellmans
no sense of equilibrium
the family members catalyst
like yellow cake and Tritium
from a fight we'll blow
our way to center stage
this is rage, this is rage,
this is a crew with some rage
let's slay the beast to save
the feast, animals in a cage
get 'em, no cops
on this green earth
going to keep us from rising
we fuck up genes, these rings
and all the things
we brutalizing
not one yuppie on this family
will be my own relation
right hand up I go seven
sieg heils
at Hellman nation?
Oh, shit, Elliot!
Coming all the way from MIC
straight to Annapolis
Just to fucking kill it!
In one, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness, bitches.
Oh my god, making my baby
batter boil, boy. Woo.
They're like 6.5s.
Oh, my god.
Look at that one.
Look at that one, she's a
motherfucking thoroughbred!
Oh, she's all
classy and shit.
I bet she's got black,
satin sheets.
Mmm, little runway strip
to park my plane in that.
Mmm! Get my dick wet tonight.
I'd tap that.
Boy, you don't even know
shit about tapping shit.
Yeah, I do. I found this
book on my mom's bed
All about the g-spot.
I've been trying it out
on a few bitches.
You know how I can
be totally certain
That you're full
of shit right now?
I'm not, but how?
Because if your mom really
knew where her g-spot was,
She wouldn't have to make
costumes for dogs.
Oh! Snap, nigga!
- Seriously, you understand?
- What're you guys laughing at?
- Baby batter.
- Shut the fuck up, Ben.
Hey, Elliot, better dance
with me tomorrow night.
Um, dancing isn't
particularly my thing.
Wait, that's not true.
You can do the macarena.
Really, Elliot?
You don't know what the fuck
you're talking about, Ben.
Yeah, I do. 'cause mom taught
you and you taught me.
You were good.
Remember?
You guys know about
my brother Ben, right?
You know how he
has severe autism?
You don't wanna talk
about it too much,
Because if you talk about severe
autism to the retard too much,
Then he gets low self-esteem,
and that's not good.
Right, Ben?
Isn't that right?
Samantha, care for a smoke?
You don't?
It would make you look
so much more attractive.
Oh, my god, she is
such a fucking bitch.
Better to be pale.
It's better to...
- Is he all right?
- He's fine.
I'll tell you, you
can't find a better beer
Than this Michelob Ultra.
It's almost zero carbs.
How 'bout that?
Interesting.
Is he all right?
He's fine.
We have them made
for us in Indiana.
- And really, the money is...
- Right.
Now the deal with GM,
was for carriages?
- They don't look the same.
- Cubic zirconias look the same.
I know, but I'm talking...
It's just a status thing.
I just don't get that.
It's interesting,
Most people think that when
rock 'n' roll first hit...
Boom... that there
was nothing else.
Not true, because what most
people don't remember
Was that there was
this strange time,
Maybe three or four years,
When everything sort of
coincided so that you had...
You had your Perry Comos
and your Bill Haleys
And your Pat Boones.
And you had people
like Jill Corey.
You remember?
No.
Yeah, you do, because
I played you that song.
"Make Like A Bunny Honey".
I'm gonna go call granny
and check on everybody.
See how they are
at the hospital.
Good. Tell them we're
praying for them.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Look, um,
I just want to say I...
I think we got off on the wrong
foot back at the house.
And... and all I really
wanted to convey to you
Was that... that I really
have missed you.
That we, all,
have missed you.
Your mother said that you
weren't feeling good
And so I just didn't
know what to expect.
Well, after
everything you heard,
I hope I didn't
disappoint you.
Disappoint me?
No, no way, no. No.
What does that mean?
Sorry, I'm just being
kind of awkward.
Um...
Dylan told me that you
gave him a big promotion.
That's... yeah,
that's really great.
- He deserves it.
- Yeah.
Done a great job, but he's
gotta build towards something,
Like you're doing.
Yeah, thanks.
I mean, I had to take
some time off, but, um,
I'm doubling up on courses
for September
So I can graduate on time.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
I'm... I'm so happy you
finally found something.
I mean, I really love it.
You know. I...
I don't know,
I feel like maybe
I have something to
offer there in a way.
Alice, I know everybody thinks
That I don't understand
everything.
And maybe they're right.
But I want to.
I do.
Thanks, Paul.
And you know, if you ever
want to just phone me,
Or just wanna talk,
Maybe you're feeling
down or something,
I just don't want to
lose touch with you again.
If that's what you want.
Yeah, I mean, I'd...
I'd really like that.
Maybe we could, um,
Get lunch, or something.
I mean, um, maybe it could...
Maybe it could
just be me and you.
She's my wife.
Alice...
I know.
Uh, excuse me, barkeep.
Yeah?
Um, can I get three shots...
double shots
Of your finest
whiskey, please?
Um, how old are you?
Okay, I'm 17,
This is my family
and this is hell.
I beg you.
Have some fucking sympathy.
I call it my Thursday list.
Alice is hysterical
in the parking lot.
Give me my purse.
Grab the kids.
I need to pee.
Alrighty.
Um, do you, like,
drink often?
Only really
when I'm on opiates.
Okay.
But, like,
what I was, like, saying,
Is that, like, my mother
really is the one who, like,
Raised Dylan,
not your mother.
And, like, I don't mean that in,
like, an offensive way,
It's just, like, the truth.
And, like, I guess,
like what I want to say
Is that, like, I think it's,
like, pretty disrespectful
That, like, your mother
forced Dylan to choose her
To walking down the aisle.
Mmm.
So, yeah.
You wanna know
something hilarious?
Sure.
You sure?
Sounds like
you're finished.
What?
Sounds like
you're finished.
Wait, what?
Come on out, Lynn.
Why?
Come out of the stall, Lynn.
Okay, but, um...
Oh, my god.
There you are.
I've been, like, looking,
like, all over for you.
You will never,
ever, ever believe
What Elliot just said to me.
He's, like, so arrogant,
and also
A complete,
drunk drug addict.
He ordered, like, three double
shots of, like, whatever,
And I was like, um,
do you drink often?
And he was like,
I like to mix it with opiates.
So gross.
- They're disgusting.
- So gross.
The whole family's
disgusting.
I know. They're disgusting.
I hate them.
Who was that?
Like, didn't even
wash her hands.
Good god, Paul.
Can't you keep
that fucking pit bull
Of your wife under control?
Elliot says that Lynn says
that when dad met you,
You were a stripper.
And a coke whore.
- Mmm.
- Is that true?
- Really.
- Is that true?
Baby, it's ridiculous.
Mom, now you promise me
that's not true.
- That piece of shit!
- You lying whore.
What? What?
Have you been telling
your kids
That I was a stripper
and a coke whore?
Are you out of
your fucking mind?
- I didn't say that!
- Lynn, did you say that?
- No, of course not!
- That's what Elliot told me!
Fuck him!
He's a fucking asshole!
Oh, what a good
mother you are.
You're such a good mother.
So sweet.
Elliot has Tourette's syndrome!
He'll say anything!
He has no filter!
Meanwhile you come
waltzing into this family
And you try to
rip us fucking apart!
I tried to rip your family
apart? Are you joking me?
I raised Dylan. I'm not
the one who abandoned him.
You could go fuck yourself!
You fucking redneck...
Let go of her!
Goddamnit, let go of her!
You found someone to
fight back, didn't you?
You're goddamn right,
I'll fucking tear you apart!
She's gone!
Get out. Get out.
You son of a bitch.
Think you just insulted
yourself, mom.
Shut up and go
fuck yourself!
- What did I do?
- Go fuck yourself.
The hell is going on?
She grabbed me.
She grabbed me.
And she...
she strangled me.
- What? Who?
- Patty!
Patty assaulted me, Lee.
- Really?
- Really?
- And this motherfucker...
- Okay, that's weird, mom.
This motherfucker has been
drinking and doing drugs.
Calm down, calm down.
I had a few, I had anxiety,
I had a fucking panic attack.
Let's just get in the car.
Get in the car.
Shut up!
In the car.
- She's pissed.
- Oh, she's pissed, Ben?
Thank you for telling
me that she's pissed.
Otherwise I would
have no idea, Ben.
- Door is locked.
- Oh, this fucking thing.
Lee, open the door.
Goddamnit.
Now why the hell they
can't make these things
A little bit simpler?
It's 12:13 ante meridian,
And I'm reporting to you
live and on the scene
Outside the home
of Joe and Doris Baker
In the heart of
Queen Anne City,
Annapolis, Maryland,
Where just moments ago
The diabolical force,
known as the Hellman family,
Has finally submerged this
quaint, waterfront town
Into complete and utter chaos.
With their overly sensitive
self-destructive daughter,
Alice Scissorhands,
And the rather unseemly
and highly inappropriate
Behavior of their mama familias,
Some have begun to wonder,
How will tomorrow's
events unfold?
Oh, wait, one moment.
I'm getting something.
Preliminary reports
are suggesting
That no matter the outcome,
Doris Baker is
And will remain
quietly furious.
The question that begs to be
answered however, is,
Will they unite
for just one day?
Or will all hell break loose and
split this family in two
Like a Maryland blue crab?
This is Elliot Hellman reporting
to you live for Fuck News.
Back over to you, Ben.
What's the name
of that tea I like?
Which one?
The one I drink.
Green tea.
No, no, it's chamomile.
So why are you asking me?
I'm asking what it's name is.
Surrender. Surrender.
Yeah. Surrender to sleep.
Jesus Christ, Lee.
Why don't you just
ask for it?
No, no.
Never turn that light on.
Mom, can I talk to you
for a minute?
No, Lynn, you can't.
Why is it you have never learned
when to just keep quiet?
I just wanted...
I know what you want.
We all know what you want, Lynn.
'cause you never
had the decency
Or the respect or the
consideration
To keep anything private.
I'm just trying
to make things better.
Yeah, yeah.
For who, Lynn? For me?
Huh? Sitting here in
the middle of the night
And I can't sleep.
I'm totally exhausted
and I can't get to sleep.
You're gonna make
things better for me?
The doctor said he's stable.
They can't do anything
else for him.
Just keep him comfortable.
It's all...
It's all I've done
my whole life,
Kept him comfortable.
I was seventeen years old
when I met your father.
He was so handsome.
So tall
And strong and shy.
I miss him.
I miss the man I married.
I miss him when he's here
And I miss him
when he's not here.
Tonight I was lying
in bed and I thought
When did this happen?
When did he disappear?
When did I first fall asleep
In an empty bed?
In an empty house?
What did I do to deserve this?
What did I ever do
that was so bad?
And I know it's coming.
I know.
Every time I wake up, before
I open my eyes and listen,
Hear if he's still breathing.
I don't know what
I'm going to do...
...When I wake up and he's not.
When there's nothing
but the silence.
Just silence.
What am I going to do, Lynn?
Okay, okay, okay.
so?
There it goes, huh?
There it goes, Lynn.
You got me.
That's what you came
down here for, isn't it?
I wasn't ready.
I'm still not ready.
Things don't change, mom.
People don't change.
They don't matter.
You do, Alice.
You do.
And you can't let them
tell you who you are
Or what you're capable of,
Because if you do,
then they win.
I'm not like you, mom.
I'm not.
I wish... I can't just
block it all out.
Don't do this, Alice.
Don't let them control the way
you feel about yourself.
I can't help it.
I can't.
You're your own person.
And you're strong.
You're so goddamn
strong, Alice.
And when it was
just you and me,
And we didn't have a fucking
soul on our side,
I looked to you.
I always looked to you.
You know,
if you don't mind, ladies,
I would just like to say how
Unbelievably gorgeous
you two look today.
Just tremendous, you know?
Stunning. Marvelous.
You know what, Elliot,
I would appreciate it
If you did not speak
for the next 24 hours.
Why?
'cause mom caught you
doing drugs and shit.
And, like, it's your
fault Patty went nuts.
Oh, I mean, yeah.
That's true.
But I thought maybe we
could've moved on from that.
You know, as a family.
I just don't have the energy
to move on from that.
As a family.
- Oooh, shit.
- "Oooh, shit" is right.
What, you too?
No understanding.
What's the matter, dad?
You never got drunk or stoned
When you were my age?
Not with the frequency
And degree of enthusiasm
that you do now.
You, mom? You never skin popped
a little "D" back in the '70s?
You know what, Elliot,
do me a favor.
Just go ahead.
Go, go, go get high.
Go O.D.
Ruin your fucking life.
Because I'm giving up.
I'm just giving up.
Really? That is awesome!
Wait, really?
Let's not get into
this right now.
Can I? 'cause that
would be great.
- Elliot!
- What?
Why do you have to be
such a fucking dick?
What are you so pissy about?
Your chamber maiden dress?
See?
You're just so immature,
you know?
When are you gonna
grow the fuck up?
You know,
sometime near the end.
Oh, there's me!
And so he sees a road sign
with a trumpet exed out on it
And he says to me, dad,
How come people aren't allowed
to play the trumpet here?
I said, aw, Dylan,
It means you're not allowed
to honk your car horn.
But I just wanna raise
a toast to Dylan
And his lovely bride, Heather.
I know they're gonna have a long
and wonderful life together.
I also wanna take a moment to
thank Patty, my lovely bride,
For putting together the
reception and the tent,
And such a lovely slide show
That so wonderfully
captured our family.
And last before I sit down,
I just wanted to say
thank you to Alice
For coming home on such
a joyous occasion.
I know it means
a lot to her brother.
And it means a lot
to the whole family.
So, thank you, Alice.
...And I always loved
Marilyn Monroe, obviously.
So I said, now when you get up
to bat, you remember,
I'm Marilyn Monroe,
and you're Joe DiMaggio.
So you look over at me
And I'm gonna blow
you a little kiss.
And you are gonna hit it
right out of the park.
And you know what?
He did.
Okay, let's say
most of the time.
But did you notice today,
When you stepped up to bat,
I blew you a little kiss.
Anyways, I love you, Dylan.
And I am so happy
That you hit another
homer with Heather.
And I know in my
heart of hearts,
That you two are a match
made in heaven.
I love you.
I love you.
Lynn? Lynn.
Would you like to come up
and share any stories
Of Dylan when he was
a little boy?
Come on, give her
a little encouragement.
Um, I'm Dylan's mother, Lynn.
And, uh, I'm not very good
at this kind of thing.
I... I don't really have
any stories right now.
I didn't expect to speak.
So, I guess, I...
I guess I just wanna say
how grateful I am to...
To be a part of this
moment in your life.
And how happy I am
for the both of you.
I am.
And I'm sorry I don't
have any funny stories
From when you were
a little boy.
I just know that I...
I just know that I love
you so much right now.
I love you so much, Dylan.
You've grown into
such an amazing man.
And when I look at you now,
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of the
man you've become.
That's all.
Hey, Lee.
Hey.
You know,
You never get a band
at these things anymore.
God, we had
a fantastic band.
You know, Ben, I think my
youngest daughter
Has a little crush on you.
Alice, do you think, uh,
maybe you and I could
Have a word in private?
Just...
I'd rather not, Paul.
Just for a second.
I was just...
No.
It won't take long.
Paul, no.
Okay. Read you loud and clear.
Just like when you
were a little girl.
Message received. Okay.
Lee, it's good seeing you.
That was, like, the most
bad ass thing I've ever seen.
Mom, can I talk to you
for a minute?
Excuse me.
Mom, don't you have
anything to say to me?
What do you want me to say?
I wanna know why
you weren't on my side.
You're my mother.
Why didn't you help me
fight for my children?
Why couldn't you help me
fight for Dylan?
Christ's sakes, Lynn.
It's Dylan's wedding.
Can't you just let it be?
Um, have you
guys seen Elliot?
Because, no one knows
where he went.
How you doing, grampa?
I'm doing okay.
But I gotta get out there
and do some yard work.
Yeah, I feel you.
Try to plow some of these
bridesmaids
If that's what you're
talking about.
That isn't what
I'm talking about.
Elliot!
Elliot?
Elliot!
Now, we gotta watch out
what we're doing.
It's dark out here.
Okay. Here we go.
So he has nothing to lose.
And he breaks up
with his fiance?
Lee. Lee?
I don't know what to do.
It's very late and I don't
know where Elliot is.
And I'm getting scared.
Well, where could he be?
His name is Elliot Hellman,
about six one, six two...
Okay, we're off.
Hey, uh, Aunt Lynn?
What?
I don't know if I saw Elliot
for sure, for sure,
But I think I saw him
in an inner tube.
Inner tube?
Yeah. Like, uh,
in the Chesapeake.
Oh, god.
What?
Is this the harbor master?
Okay, I think my wife's sister's
kid is out in the bay.
I think he's in an inner tube.
The fuck is that?
Everything must change
Nothing remains the same
Everyone must change
No one and nothing
remains the same
Now the young's the old
And mysteries do unfold
Cause that's the way of time
Nothing and no one
remains the same
There are not so
Many things in life
You can be sure of
Whoo
Except the rain
comes from the clouds
Sunlight from the sky
And hummingbirds do fly
Young becomes the old
And mysteries do unfold
That's the way of time
Nothing, no one
remains unchanged
There are so little things
So few things in life
You can be sure of
Except rain comes
from the clouds
Sunlight from the sky
And humming birds do fly
Everything's changed
Everything
Everything must change