1
(Water runs)
(Computer calling sounds)
Barbara: Hello!
Ah, wait. All right.
Let me get the earplugs!
Where is that video
button thing?
Oh there! I see you!
Oh, Matthew, darling?
How is Berlin? Hm?
What?!
When?! Where?!
Matthew!
Oh! Oh! Wait! Wait! Wait!
You heard her clearly?
You sure that she said "yes".
(Happy laughter)
Oh, darling, that is wonderful!
Ya ya ya ya ya ya
Yeah, ah, ah, ah
Ya ya ya ya ya ya
Yeah
There is flame, a flame
A big flame in my heart
Yeah, yeah, yeah
(Sighs)
And believe me
When I say it's burning
real hard
Yeah, yeah, yeah
It's burning for you
Even though we are through
This big flame, boy,
Is gonna break my heart
in two
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah
Oh oh oh...
There is a flame, a flame
A big flame in my heart
Yeah, yeah, yeah
And I think it's gonna tear
my heart apart
Yeah, yeah, yeah
So baby, won't you
Tell me what you're gonna do
This big flame, boy,
Is gonna break my heart
in two
Maybe if you could feel
All the heartaches
I can feel
You wouldn't let
foolish time
Push our love aside
Yeah
This flame, this flame
This big flame in my heart
Yeah, yeah, yeah
This lust's about to
Rip my heart apart
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Baby, won't you
Hurry home to my rescue
This big flame, boy,
Is gonna rip my heart in two
Babe, a big flame
Baby, for you
Babe, a big flame
Ohhh, such a big flame
Babe, a big flame
- I love this house.
- Yeah, ditto.
It's in great shape too. Here.
- (Water drips)
- Oh.
Jesus Christ! Mom!
Misha: That's a leak.
Looks minor though.
Mom!
(Alarm blares)
(Frustrated sigh)
- Mom!
- Agh!
Why aren't you ready yet?
The alarm didn't go off.
Oh, fuck... it did.
Cibby came over last night
and we had couple pisco sours
and random daiquiri and...
John, would you stop
that fucking racket!
You told me to be here,
Barbara!
Carry on!
- How was your trip?
- Oh, wonderful!
Yeah. I love Vietnam,
oh, I could live in a hut
and sit there and read
for the rest of my life.
You're tanned.
You're white,
you need get some sun.
No I don't actually. My
melatonin and Vitamin D levels
are exactly where
I want them to be.
Is that-is that freshly
squeezed orange juice?
(Loud sawing outside)
Oh, we have to remember
to pick up my date.
Wait a sec,
you're bringing a date?
Since when? Who is she?
He... a former colleague,
teaches ecology and math.
Very, very well I might add.
So, you're still renting
your room to Q, I guess?
- He's the bike courier.
- Right.
Indeed I am.
Oh, he got hit by a car
yesterday.
He got a concussion, he's okay,
just a little confused,
keeps calling me Ronald.
Well, I'm, I'm very sorry
to hear that but...
don't you think he could give
you back your room
- while you're in town?
- That sounds fair, Ronald.
He's paying for it! It's his.
That's what renting
the fucking thing means, dear!
(Loud sewing)
Oh!
John, stop that fucking racket!
John: You told me to be here,
Barbara!
(Sighs)
- (Rock music plays)
- Oh, hey Q, how are you?
Pretty good, pretty good.
Well, I got hit by a car
yesterday.
Oh yeah, I heard.
Have you seen Ronald?
No, that is... that's not
anybody.
There is nobody who lives here
whose name is Ronald.
Well, I gotta get to work.
- Have a good day, Q.
- You too.
(Bulgarian accent)
Ugh! I hate that painting.
It makes me want to barf.
- Uh... I'm sorry, who are you?
- I live here.
For the moment anyway,
cuz it's cheap as fuck.
Yeah. I'm looking
for my brother,
do you know where he is?
(Rapping)
...late night, giving a fuck
- Hi bro.
- Not your bro.
Why aren't you ready?
- Hm.
- Oh, that's gross, dude.
Magda, Carrie.
Carrie is my sister.
She's... (gulp) excuse me...
charming and beautiful
and she's a yoga instructor.
Oh, she uh, she did that
painting too.
Yeah, I did.
I'll be right down. Yeah...
turn the washing machine on,
there is lots of people
in the house.
Oh, God.
(Doors slam)
(Door creaks open)
Hiya!
This is a home invasion,
hit the ground!
Take whatever you want.
The only valuable thing here
is me.
- (Barbara shoots)
- Ugh!
I like your confidence.
Oh, my back!
Oh, honey.
There is my, baby?
(Laughs)
Oh, Barb!
It's so great to see you.
- How was South East Asia?
- Oh, it was marvelous!
I went to something called
a "full moon party".
I don't remember much of it.
Let's go.
(Slides)
How is your acting going,
Kurt?
Good. Yeah.
I'm in the mix for
a recurring on "CSI".
What? That's amazing!
I'm so proud of you, man.
- Ha.
- You're a great actor, man.
When have you-when have you
ever seen me act?
In the play.
About that thing.
Yeah. (Exhales)
You notice how mom says "oh"
all the time?
Like, she applies it
to every emotion.
Like happy: Oh!
Sad: Like Ooooh!
Surprised: OOOOOHHH!
Has she been singing?
Only in the shower?
Do you think she's a little too
old to do all this traveling?
I think it's cool.
It's not like she's staying
in youth hostels.
I'd fact check that.
This is how people react
when they're in a crisis.
She can't be home because that
would mean facing her reality.
Barbara: OOOHHH Misha!
Open the back, please!
(They chuckle)
(Engine turns, door shuts)
Barbara: ...so when Daria
gets back from Russia
she'll take the solarium,
I'll move to the couch.
(Loud thud) OH!
Kurt: What the fuck was that?!
- I'm okay! Totally fine!
Barbara: You okay Q?
It's part of the job!
Yeah, yeah, yeah
O! Motown!
Listen now...
From the Rooter
to the Tooter
You a bad motor scooter
Right or wrong...
Can we talk about the Eastern
European child
- living in my bedroom?
- Oh, Magda, isn't she lovely?
So you don't mind
that Kurt's fucking her?
- Ohhhh, my!
- He is?
Well, it's none of my business
but if you want
an honest opinion,
Screwing a 21-year-old
is symptomatic of Kurt
not taking himself seriously.
Then it is your business.
Oh, definitely.
(Kurt chuckles)
Well, it's my childhood
bedroom, okay?
And it's disgusting.
But it's not your room
anymore.
We packed up your Judy Blume
books
and your failed math exams.
Oh, you sucked in match.
That's so cute.
Kurt: I think Q found
your vibrators.
He might be using them.
The least you could do
is mail them to me.
- Oh! (Laughs)
- Vibrators? Nice.
- Very nice!
- Okay.
Je reviendrai parmi vous,
Ah, ah, ah
On verra qui me manque trop
Ah, ah... c'est tout
Je reviendra malgr tout,
Ah, ah...
(Brakes squeak)
- There we go.
- Fuck me.
- Well, that's great.
- Okay.
- Oh God!
- We're parked.
- Everybody good...
- Yeah.
- ...emotionally?
- Yep.
400 and 25 fucking dollars
a night, for this place?
Yo Dude. Dude.
Recognize this t-shirt?
(Kurt chuckles)
No, should I?
It's Levi's.
Car-Carrie's Levi,
her ex-boyfriend?
Levi's the shit, man.
His music is so fucking dope.
You must be really excited
to meet him, then?
Wore my favorite shirt,
didn't I?
Hey, there's the world
traveler!
Oh! Come here!
- Oh!
- You okay?
I just, I just love you
so much.
I love you, too.
You look beautiful, mom.
So much love, big brother!
So much love!
- Mwah!
- Wouldn't miss it.
This must be Misha,
nice to... hug you!
It's an honor.
Okay.
You feel like her brother.
This stoned little chap here,
is my date, Albert.
- Hi.
- And last but not least,
the man who will screw
any boarder,
no matter the country of origin,
your brother... Kurt!
Carrie: Oh... (Clears throat)
(Reads) "Um, siblings,
they resemble us just enough
to make all their differences
confusing,
and no matter what we choose
to make of this,
we are cast in relation to them,
our whole lives long"
Susan Scarfe Merrell.
Who writes for
I don't care magazine.
- Carrie: that's not funny.
- You look like shit.
You too.
You skinny piece of shit.
Mwah!
Okay, let's go inside.
Let's get you warm, ma.
Matthew: So do you two have
separate rooms, or...?
Albert: Separate beds.
Barbara: Pretty much
the same thing.
- Is it?
- Hi.
- You look amazing! Hi.
- Hi.
(Low hum of chatter)
I'm so nervous.
Baby! Hi! How are you?
Good. Good.
- Love you. I miss you.
- Okay.
Needless to say,
um, I know this is...
- will you make sure mom's okay?
- I knew it was coming.
Waaa, it's my wedding.
(Door opens, keys jingle)
(Door shuts)
(Garment bag thuds)
(Heavy exhale)
(Groaning, moaning)
(Low hum of chatter)
(Slow Spanish song)
Dulces besos
llena de nostalgia
Dulces besos
Con mi nena preferida
Me da... una nostalgia
Esas caricias...
Barbara: Move those stems,
Albert!
I'm moving them.
All right, no tragedies yet.
(Door rattles)
Shit.
- Oh, I-I mean, hi.
- Hello.
Well, I didn't expect you
here. I thought you were
taking pictures
in the Middle East.
There's shrapnel in my brain.
- My God, can they get it out?
- No, it's permanent.
- Oh my...
- Who's this man?
- This man is my date.
- Albert. It's a pleasure.
Well, it was nice to see you.
(Door rattles)
Did you get my emails?
A phone is better
for an old gal like me.
Have a drink with me
before dinner.
I need to get ready
for the rehearsal dinner.
Carrie made us late.
You know, eventually you're
gonna have to let that close.
One drink. You owe me that.
Fine, then I'll probably
have three.
(Door rattles closed)
Who was that guy?
Roy, he was Tamara's
assistant for years.
Kind of an uncle
to the children.
Intense fellow.
Yeah. Fuckin' weird.
(Thunder rolls,
rain patters heavily)
(Plays a slow ukulele tune)
(Guests chatter)
Woman: It's amazing.
It's really amazing
because it's like right near
all the like,
nice places on Melrose,
you know,
so we get lots of lattes.
I love the chai lattes.
Shut up.
Don't they shut up?
It's so good, you know. I like
always with like, almond milk.
It's my new favorite thing.
It's so good.
Anyway how, how 'bout you,
Kurt? Are you still acting?
Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
I just wanted to know,
I-I haven't seen anything.
- Levi!
- Oh.
Wait, wait. Shouldn't we let
this happen organically?
Albert: Okay.
(Low hum of chatter)
...but I appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
Kurt: Mom, mom!
- Barbara: Uh, yeah! Hi, honey.
- Good to see you.
This is my boyfriend, Misha.
Hey. Levi.
Nice to meet you, dude.
It's okay to speak now.
Uh... (Stuttering)
I-I-I wo... see...
Heh, so...
Let's go sit down.
We'll catch up with you later.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right, right there,
next to this guy.
- Right here.
- I'll get a chair
I'll get you a chair. Come on.
Okay.
I seriously can't believe
this.
I'm trying not to freak out.
Well, it's not a crisis yet.
Let's just take a deep breath.
Okay so, unfortunately yes,
the chicken was cooked in the
same oven as the vegetables.
- Fantastic.
- I'm sorry.
Is it... is it really that big
of a deal?
No, it's not, at all.
It's just, I mean, we made
a point of requesting this
six months ago and both of you
said it would be fine.
- Yeah.
- You know, what this reminds me of
is an Edna St. Vincent Millay
poem.
(Clears throat)
She says, "Your tea is cold"-
- Right now? You're gonna
recite the poem?
What-what are you writing?
Yeah, no I'm just making
a note of what not to do
- at our wedding.
- We have a list.
- Yes.
Both: We agree on everything.
Right. Hey, when is that
wedding again?
- This spring.
- Next fall.
Okay, we gotta, we'll see you
guys in a second.
I'm sorry again.
- Did... what did you say?
- I said sp...
- Next fall.
- Fall, yeah.
- Fall.
- Okay, that's weird.
(Low hum of chatter)
(Glass clinking)
- We
- would
- like - to - extend
- a
- warm
- welcome
- to
- all - of - you.
(Chuckling)
- (Guests applaud)
- Thank you.
(Applause)
(Electronic music plays)
(Exhales)
(Glass clinking)
As one of the mothers
of the groom,
I would like to take this
moment to welcome everyone.
Oh, my goodness,
these cue cards say that
we're at a wedding for a
hotshot corporate lawyer
- from Bay Street...
- Wrong!
Wrong! Yeah, darn.
That's not how I remember it.
(Chuckles)
What I do remember
is Matty coming home
and saying that he's going
to move to Berlin,
and pursue a career in EDM.
And hearing that, I said...
we said,
"what the hell is EDM?"
- Barbara: I knew what it was.
- Of course you did.
Then he made himself
a successful career
because Matty is not afraid
of failure.
He throws himself into things,
and that's exactly what
he's doing with this woman,
he's jumping in. Mazel tov!
- Mazel tov!
Guest: Cheers! Mazel tov!
(Levi plays the ukulele)
("Daydreaming" by "Groenland)
With eyes open,
I was havin' a dream
And as real as it seemed
It wasn't right
And I saw you,
or was it somebody else
I remember your face
And your Converse shoes
Then I hope you know
what it means to me
When I'm on my own and
I'd wish I'd be right here
Right here, right here
Ooh ooh ooh
And when I get my stuff
and I'm ready to go
That's when things get rough
and I lose control
I can't let go, let go,
Let go-o-o
- Hmm
- Oh oh oh
(Applause)
(Electronic dance music)
You didn't meet me
at the bar?
Oh shit. I um, I forgot,
I'm sorry.
I made it clear that I needed
to speak with you.
Can't it wait? I'm in the
middle of my son's wedding...
I've been waiting long enough!
You're free now!
Don't you understand that?
That evil woman cannot
control you anymore!
- Excuse me!
- Please.
(Music stops, door shuts)
I'm sorry, Matthew.
I didn't mean to disturb
your meal.
The chicken looks delicious.
Uh, that concludes the dinner
theatre portion of our evening.
- Thank you.
- It does. Thank you! Thank you.
Oh, fuck this!
Well look, why don't we
just go into our room,
have a drink, relax and then
make a sort of game plan
for what might possibly be
a sorta stressful weekend?
Possibly?!
Oh great. Here she comes!
Care to explain what
the fuck that was about?
(Chuckles) Hi.
Nice to see you, too.
Gee, it's been a while.
How are you?
I'm fantastic.
My son's getting married.
Oh, me too.
The only problem is,
I just found out
that my ex was fucking my
assistant behind my back.
Not behind your back.
I don't cheat like you.
I think this might be
the mini-bar key.
- Oh hi, by the way.
- Who the fuck is that?
Oh, you've met him before,
but clearly,
you weren't paying attention
because he doesn't have a pixie
cut or a shaved pussy.
We met at Sharon and Stew's
Oktoberfest a few years ago.
Ah, yeah.
You know where they had that
phenomenal pumpkin pie?
Ooh. It was divine.
Oh... join the fuckin' party.
- I'll tell him to go.
- Shut up, Albert.
What's with the beard? What
are you, a frickin' wizard?
Oh yeah, Roy's a wizard now.
Cast a fuckin' spell,
make Tammy disappear.
You are not my boss anymore.
I won't be manipulated by you!
(Door unlocks)
Albert: Got it!
(Sighs)
Look, can I come in,
because I was thinking...
(Door creaks shut)
It's a systemic problem.
Oh, we need the whole Board
to agree,
in order to make the new
platform effective.
Yes, that's exactly
what I was telling them.
- What, the other teachers?
- Yes, Sally and Darren.
- Who have we got? All right.
- Yeah. Sally and Darren.
- We've got Albert.
- Oh, and the...
Ohhhh, no, no.
(Laughter)
Good God, no.
Mr. Fun Time.
(Laughing)
(Groans)
(Chuckles)
Sue's so young and pretty,
isn't she?
Yeah.
You want her, don't you?
Yeah.
(Both chuckle)
(Passionate moaning)
Hey babe,
you can if you want to.
What?
Be with Sue.
I don't wanna hear about it,
but I don't mind.
Look, I want you to be happy.
I want you to be free. Hm?
(Water running)
So, that was the infamous Roy,
huh?
He's a lot more handsome
than I imagined.
Bet he's got good bone
structure under that beard.
- (Phone rings)
- He's lost his looks.
That's harsh.
(Phone rings)
Hi! Ahh, buddy,
I missed you so much!
Yeah, say goodnight to me.
Speak!
Say goodnight to mama.
Speak. Speak now. Speak.
Just say fucking anything.
'K, Care, I kinda have
to like, go to bed.
- Okay, yeah.
- All right?
- Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
Bye!
Oh.
Now, come and fuck me
like you used to fuck Levi
- when you were 19.
- That's weird.
Let's figure out why.
Do you think Barb had a real
relationship with him?
I thought you said
they dated men.
Yeah, but not after they
were together, come on!
Oh, I am so livid
with both of them!
You know, Ragu says that
I come from a family
where both parents
put each other first,
you know, and that was
the primary love.
And so the children
are searching
for this unconditional love
that they never got at home.
Did you spell Ragu,
like the pasta sauce?
Ragu says my moms claim...
claim, okay,
to be this ultra-liberal,
open-minded people,
when their own approach
to relationships
is totally antiquated, right.
That's like, grow the fuck up.
Powerful love is so much more
than some meaningless screw.
But you and I had an open
relationship for a while.
We set out rules like adults.
We followed them.
We slept with a few people.
A few?
I thought it was just
that skank, Ariane?
Yeah, it was just that skank,
Ariane.
(Exhales)
Baby boomers.
What is this world
they're giving us?
They have done nothing right.
Free shipping?
Dancing to Motown
while doing the dishes?
I'm gonna take a shower.
No, no, no, you don't have
to do that.
Not for me, not ever.
I am not feelin' it, dude.
Hey, you know, it'd be nice
if we could just show up
to a hotel once in a while,
and make love,
like a normal couple.
Well, if you need me,
I'll be masturbating
onto Levi's t-shirt.
- Matthew: Phew! Ridiculous!
- Oh my God!
(Laughs)
Why did you invite French
Canadian Gandolf?
Well, I thought if I could
trick him back
into civilization,
he might shower.
- Hmm.
- No, he's not...
you know, he's always been
really good to me, Roy.
- Mm-hm?
- Oh, how annoying is Carrie?
Oh my God, like the world
does not revolve around
your dietary restrictions.
And Misha, every time
he walks in a room,
it's like a cloud of marijuana
smoke comes with him.
Like he has his own atmosphere.
Maybe Tammy got a contact
buzz,
and that's why her speech
was so terrible?
Well, I don't know if I'd use
the word terrible.
I mean, I get why
you liked it.
It was all about Matt.
Her Matty. Her Matthew.
Nothing about the woman
he's about to spend
the rest of his life with.
That is very fair, my dear.
That speech could have used
a re-write.
I mean, I get why she's
obsessed with you.
You're the only one
in the family
that's not suffering
from failed potential.
It's like everyone else seems
disappointed in themselves.
(Sighs)
Did you get a chance
to talk to him?
Who?
No, not yet.
I did, I think he's doing
well. He...
I don't know. He seems good.
He's up for a big part.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
(Urine splashes)
(Dance music playing)
My projection
has changed direction
There is no exception
To satisfy
Woo!
My projection
has changed direction
There is no exception
To satisfy
All right, ladies! You should
feel this one all the way
from your shoulders
to your booty.
- Ready?
- Oh yeah.
- That feels good. Woo!
- Yeah!
Now, pivot!
Pivot!
Need to lower your waist like,
fits chicken like Brittany
over there.
I'm tryin' my best!
Oh yeah, Brittney is
tryin' her best.
Now cue your little move here.
We're gonna pulse, pulse, pulse.
Tammy: Hey!
Hey girl!
You ready to get bikini ready?
Uh, yeah!
All right, dive in here, girl.
Get in there, make some space.
That's it! Make some space
for the cutie patootie.
There you go. Yeah!
Look at this extraordinary
garden!
The water lilies have such
amazing color in them.
Albert, keep it to yourself.
Yes, I suppose I am being
a rather loquacious person
this morning. Have fun!
So you still planning
on opening your studio?
Because I can help you
with a business plan.
Yeah, that's not happening
anytime soon.
Why would you say that?
I'm 50 grand in debt.
Don't you remember making
me pay for rent and tuition
when I was in university?
We did it to make you
stronger.
I think you just made her
pissed off.
Shut up, Brittney!
Woo! Let's go.
Okay. You're holding
on to something,
you've got it built up
deep inside of you,
just let it go. Jumping Jack!
Punch! Jumping Jack!
Punch! Jumping Jack!
Punch! Jumping Jack!
Punch! Ahhh!
(Screaming)
(Shutter clicks)
Lovely. Great.
Fabulous. Ha ha. Oh.
- Hi.
- I'm sorry.
No, it's okay, don't be.
I'm Albert, and um,
I guess we haven't been
properly introduced.
I'm Mareva,
Mareva de la Torre.
It's a wonderful garden.
Don't you think?
Oh, I certainly do,
particularly the uh, orchids.
Have you noticed how
the Ipomoea cordatotriloba
are different shapes and colors?
How do you happen to uh...
Oh, I um, I took some biology
at McGill.
I like how botany relates
to math.
You do, eh?
Quantitative genetics,
dendrochronology.
You know about
dendrochronology?
Matt: You guys will play and
then I'll do my set afterwards.
Hey, Kurt!
Um, and not more than
45 minutes?
We're cool with that?
Thank you.
- Kurt! Hey!
- Hey!
- How's it goin'?
- Good.
- Good.
- Hey, buddy.
Um, do you have a sec? Do you
want to um, sit? Catch up?
- (Shutter clicks)
- Hmm...
Heh, heh!
You can take pictures of whatever
beautiful things you see.
Do you understand me, Albert?
I'm not sure.
Oh! All right!
Dulces besos
llena de nostalgia
Ah yes! A little bit...
Yes! Like that!
Oh, that's so great.
(Shutter clicks)
Yes!
Barbara: Albert, move yourself!
Get me another bloody Mary!
- It's a fuckin' emergency.
- Oh, in that case, uh...
(Small chuckle)
Um, so you're auditioning
a lot or...
You know, it's uh it's either
gonna happen or it's not, so.
But I did uh, yeah, you know,
it's a fuckin' boring story.
No tell me, I wanna hear.
I wanna know.
No, it's fine.
So uh, you and Louisa,
got a new place in Berlin,
I hear?
- We do. We do.
- Very nice.
You should see it.
It's so very nice.
But uh, it's also uber
expensive, and um,
I don't know how we can um...
Wait, how do you know?
How do you know that? Did mom?
Oh no, uh, Louisa told me.
Oh, okay, you talked
to Louisa.
- Yeah.
- Okay, cool.
Last night.
Right, talked to Louisa at
the, um, yeah, of course.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's a wedding so...
- You know...
- It's what you gotta do.
- I know! (Uneasy chuckle)
- Calm down.
A lot of talkin'.
Lot of talkin'.
- Calm down.
- Yeah.
- Good talk.
- Yeah, good talk.
- All right, buddy.
- Love you, buddy.
- Love you, too.
- All right, bye.
(Wings flutter, bird chirps)
(Low hum of traffic)
Albert: I'm just trying to keep
everyone straight.
There's Levi,
who plays the ukulele,
and then there's that
Mexican lady.
Ooh, Mareva.
Mareva de la Torre.
Mareva de la Torre,
that's right.
She seems like such
an intelligent person.
- I like her mind.
- I like her tits.
Oh well, next time
we run into each other,
I'll look at her chest, uh...
Tammy: Hey there!
Barbara: Ah shit.
When were you gonna tell me
about the boarders
living in our house?
It's on my calendar on none
of-your-fuckin'-business day.
When you turn our house into
a B&B full of bike couriers,
it becomes my business.
How am I supposed to pay
the bills?
I need those rental cheques,
to survive!
So you can vacation
like an 18-year-old?
Pretty much!
She just came back
from Southeast Asia.
Yeah. It was divine!
Who is this person following
you around?
- He's my date!
- Be careful you're at the edge!
And a fabulous one, at that!
This is it, this is the place
we'd always come
when I was a kid,
Fairmont Bagels.
Every time we came to Montreal.
So we could fight in public,
like a family.
- Yeah, bagel shop. Huh.
- Thank you.
Yeah, it's a legendary bagel
shop, though.
I told you, this is where,
well, first of all,
this is where Kurt and Carrie
would like to fight about
whether the whole grain bagel
is a real bagel.
And, whether that New Yorker
article that I was reading you
about Leonard Cohen...
Tammy: I'm writing a novel,
based on my life.
You're in it, obviously.
Oh, send it to me. It'd be
good kindling for the fire.
- Hey, I want to read it.
- Oh, shut up, Albert.
- I thought you'd be flattered.
- Flattered?
I don't want all these people
reading about me.
And writing a novel does
not absolve your behaviour.
You think I have time to buy
another pair of socks?
- No!
- It's all part of my process, okay?
You're not even a good
writer, you're...
your emails could be written
by a 5-year-old.
Yes? No? Food? Question mark?
Is it true you're not singing
anymore?
Ugh. Who told you about
the renters?
- Carrie.
- Of course.
Well she didn't mean to,
it just slipped out.
I'm surprised she even said
anything to me at all.
(Flustered exhale)
- Albert: You want some water?
- No.
Hey, this is full of bloody
Mary's.
Then, yes!
Matthew: Louisa,
what's the problem?
I'm trying to fit into
a wedding dress tomorrow,
and for some reason,
I am across town
shoving a piece of dough
into my mouth,
when I should be visiting
with my family.
Yeah, my cousin Darrell
is an asshole,
but he also came here
from Europe.
This is your brain right now,
okay?
Me, bagel, Tammy. Uh, Carrie.
Ooh, is Kurt mad at me?
Uh, me, bagel.
Okay.
You guys are so obsessed
with yourselves,
and trust me, it's really not
that interesting.
- I'm sorry!
- I just, I need some space.
Babe...
I don't wanna talk to you
for a few hours.
Fuckin' lunatic.
Are you okay?
(Sighs)
- Oh...
- Hmmm.
(Sighs)
It's no fun
being the most hated person
at a wedding.
You know, my grandfather
always used to say
there's one good day a week,
one bad day,
and everything is just varying
degrees in the middle.
Hmm.
You think the same
could go for years?
No.
But for the sake of your
situation, let's apply it.
(Phone rings)
Kurt: Hey! Brad!
Brad: Hey, Kurt!
- Did I catch you at a good time?
- Yeah.
Are you at the wedding? Yeah?
Goin' okay?
Uh, you know, it's uh,
it's good.
You havin' a couple of drinks?
Yeah. What's up?
Listen, so spoke to casting
and...
unfortunately it is not going
our way.
But uh you know, casting said
that they loved you,
- so onwards and upwards.
- Yeah. No, it's good.
Okay, bud, you have a great
time this weekend.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right, buddy.
- Okay, talk soon, bud.
Yeah, you too. Bye.
(Hip Hop rhythmic beat)
Take me to my way
But I won't know
until I take flight
I know it'll be all right
No matter where
this takes me
Never knew I was this person
Poison turned into
something that made me
Further than state lines
Burning the mind state down
through the grapevine
No time to be found
Igniting my life
I'm gonna do all the finding
Bound for the daylight
Horizon is burning
I had to earn it
but it gave me purpose
And it made this worth it
Visions of a serpent
Tempting me on my journey
Set a fire...
(French song plays,
Patrons chatter)
(Door creaks open)
(Footsteps shuffle)
(Sighs)
(Scoff)
(Sighs)
(Sighs)
- You wanna go for a walk?
- (Clears throat)
No.
Sweet. Meet you outside.
(Chair scuffs)
(Thunder rolls,
rain patters heavily)
We should get back!
No, no, no, we'll never
make it. Come on!
Where're you going?
- You own a hair clip?
- What?
- A hair clip?
- Why?
Just give it to me.
I had to do this once for
a shitty movie of the week.
I played a nice neighbour,
who turned out to be a psycho.
Yeah, it was well-cast.
All right, come on!
Come on!
(Shivering)
(Kurt chuckles)
Looks like we missed
the party.
Yeah.
(Clears throat)
Well, Kurt...
Mmm.
This is disgusting.
(Clears throat)
You gotta little...
(Clears throat)
Sorry.
(Sounds of traffic)
I love you.
- And I miss you.
- I miss you too.
You look so cute.
I know I do.
(Laughing)
All right.
- Love you.
- Love you, too.
Mwah.
I miss you.
I'll see ya soon.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. - Bye.
- Barbara: All right, you got your passport?
- Check.
- Phone?
- Check.
Nightlight?
That's really funny, ma,
some gold material.
Travel books? (Laughs)
You know I do, I don't get
why that's funny.
Like, what is wrong with having
travel books? For real?
They're full of...
Kurt: Hey, Matty! Matty Matty!
- Come here!
- Oh, I love you.
Me too. Have fun.
Thank you. And really,
thank you.
For what?
For never giving two shits
about anything. It inspires me.
Oh, hey, Matty...
don't forget to call Louisa.
- I won't. Bye.
- Bye!
Thank you, everybody!
(Overlapping chatter
and laughter)
Barbara: ...somebody locked it.
Who the fuck locked it?
Okay. Not the most normal
Saturday afternoon activity,
but you know, dancing
is actually really good
for your serotonin levels.
I tell it to all my patients.
You can't really feel suicidal
when you're doing the running
man. (Chuckles)
- Well, I have a new therapist.
- Oh.
- Hilda.
- And how is Hilda?
- She's a great kisser.
- Ugh. Kurt.
Although, I do have a problem
and I'm running into it.
- Maybe you can help me?
- Hmm.
If we're talking for a half
an hour
and then fucking for a half
an hour,
should I be paying her
for that whole hour?
Your problem sounds
like a real conundrum.
Right?
You should do what I tell
my patients to do,
which is, keep at it.
You'll find a solution.
- Okay, keep at it.
- Yeah. (Chuckles)
I'm sorry I didn't call.
It was cowardly.
Yes, it was.
I realized that after
the fact. (Clears throat)
Are you sorry?
Yeah. Yes, I'm sorry.
How you doin' with uh,
all this?
Good.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay. Good.
What are you still doing here?
Thought I'd clear my pores.
Plus, there is no cancellation
policy on the room, so.
Well, enjoy.
Okay.
(Sighs)
Can I have a hit?
(Sighs)
(Deep inhales)
Sorry about last night.
Perhaps my timing
wasn't impeccable.
Ha.
When were you with her?
They were broken up.
Don't worry.
You had moved out with Misha,
'twas just me, Barb,
and Q, the bike courier.
How is he, by the way?
Last time I saw him
he had two broken wrists.
- Part of the job.
- Hmm.
Your mother is a very
passionate woman.
Oh no. Just stop talking,
please.
- We stayed in bed for days.
- No, please, stop it.
We were really there
for each other.
(Sighs)
Oh, fuck.
You know there's other people
here, right?
(Sighs)
So, where you living now?
Uh, I'm on a farm.
45 minutes north of Toronto,
but we're looking to move
to Georgian Bay.
- Wow. So the middle of nowhere.
- Hmm, exactly.
I'm um, I'm a farmer.
I make jam, I read,
I have 5 different varieties
of chard
- and I uh, have mulch.
- Mulch?
I don't know what that is.
Can you translate?
Oh, it's uh, paillis,
I think it is.
Still don't know
what that is.
Actually I've never heard
that word in either language.
Yeah, well, it's a little bit
different
than the last time you saw me.
But just as fascinating.
- Are you still writing?
- No.
Why? You were good.
I loved reading your stuff.
Thanks.
I miss you and the boys.
I miss living vicariously
through your exciting lives.
- (Chuckles nervously)
- What?
It's just been a while
since I thought of my life
as exciting. (Chuckles)
(Carrie sighs)
It's good to see you.
(Frederic discuses
a short story)
All right, who's next?
Whose fucking story
are we gonna do now?
(Phone buzzes)
And grammar, guys, not a rule.
Discipline,
that's the only rule.
Look, don't judge
that character, Ester,
that's something that you do.
Inhabit her.
If you're characters are
judging themselves that's fine,
but you judging your characters
I mean, that's murder,
that's crime on your page.
(Phone continues to buzz)
- Whaddya want?
Barbara: Divorce...
Wait, wait, wait.
- Barbara: There's more...
- Slow down.
This, this is what she does
when she goes on these
fashion shoots.
Fucks the talent.
And I'm... I'm googling one
right now, okay.
She's... she looks what, half...
Korean, half Irish,
half... bitch? She's... she's...
she's Caligula, you know.
And then-and then, she keeps,
she keeps writing to them,
I mean, come on, that's...
that's the worst part.
(Train chugs)
Barbara: My friend Cibby
is coming over around 9
for pisco sours.
You know Cibby?
- Only for 20 years.
- Billing, please.
Billing. Yeah, I need you
to help me print out
- my train ticket to Detroit.
- Why are you going to Detroit?
To see my friend Fran.
But the printer's broken,
and the computer guy is
in Kingston for the week.
I mean, who the hell goes
to Kingston for a week?
What the hell do you do,
in Kingston for a week?!
I said, billing!
You don't have to print your
train tickets anymore.
Oh, it's Sook. Sook? Hi.
Uh, fine, well,
as fine as anyone can be,
whose been living a lie
for the last 25 years.
Yes, and you? You what?
That, that's lovely.
Uh, I have to call you back,
Sook, I'm...
I'm on the other line.
Hello? Operator.
Operator. You get me
the fucking operator,
or I am gonna come right down
there and slap you across...
oh, hello.
Frederic: You're one of 6
students in the Master's program.
I know, I just, I really feel
like I need to be here
- for my mother right now.
- I get that. Uh... huh...
Look class participation and
workshops are mandatory though.
I'm sorry, but you're probably
gonna have to withdraw.
(Banging)
Barbara: Printer's still not
working!
(Water splashes)
(Sighs)
(Grunting with effort)
(Grunting with effort)
EEE! YA!
(Phone buzzes)
(Quietly) Hello?
- Tamara? This is Albert.
- Who?
- Barbara's date.
- Oh, Alan.
- No, Albert.
- I don't think we've met.
- We did meet. We did.
- That's news to me.
Ah, well, there is a problem
in the ceremony room,
and I think it requires
your immediate attention.
Oh my God! Okay!
- What the hell happened here?
- What the hell happened?
- Did you set this up?
- Not me.
Let's go for a walk.
I'm not cleanin' this shit up.
(Sighs)
(Exhales)
So, you still drink
wine in the tub?
Every night.
It's the only thing that
could get you to bathe.
True.
(Laughing)
(Knock on door)
- Oh shit.
- I heard you.
(Sighs) Shit!
(Sighs)
I've decided to leave.
I think it's better
for everyone.
Oh, uh, well...
I hope they get the shrapnel
out of your brain.
Why do you act like
it didn't mean anything?
It did. Then.
Fuck.
Albert: Wow. Oh...
Lovely composition.
Lovely composition, indeed!
Oh my God!
Hey, can you hold that?
Albert: Oh! Now that's magic!
- Berlin is a beautiful city.
- Yes.
- World class.
- Yeah, it is.
(Sighs)
It is hard for you to do
your psychology stuff,
when Matty's writing music?
- Uh, well he has headphones.
- Huh.
More importantly,
I-I have an office.
Oh, that's neat.
You know, Tammy, I'd really
like to be friends with you.
- Hmm.
- I really, really admire you.
- You do.
- Yeah. Your career.
Your photography.
(Tammy scoffs)
Do you have a problem with me?
I see myself in you.
That's the problem.
You're a bit of a mystery.
(Roy humming to himself)
Albert: Oh, hello there.
Roy: Good agua.
Yes, I've been enjoying the
cucumber flavor. Delicious!
Roy: I think about water a lot.
Albert: Really?
Roy: All the time actually.
Albert: You do, eh?
Roy: Yeah.
- Water is everywhere.
- Yes.
Water is everything.
And, it's permanent.
- It evaporates, though.
- It becomes dry sometimes.
Bet then what happens? It
evaporates into something,
- is that was rain is?
- Yeah.
- I think it turns into...
- Rain.
...clouds and then it rains.
Oh. My... God...
My God.
(Electronic dance music)
Oh... you!
Mwah!
I hate to keep bugging you
about this,
but I wanna get everybody
straight.
- There's Levi...
- Yeah.
- there's that Mexican lady.
- Mareva.
She seems like a...
lovely person.
I bet we can expect some
stories from her this weekend.
Whaddya mean?
Well...
legend has it, that when
she was at McGill,
she went through half
the faculty.
The older men.
That's what she likes to sit on.
(Electronic dance music)
Ooh, fuck off! Hey!
Get the fuck off!
(Slow Motown tune plays)
Now she has gone
I think I'll go home
My future just past me by
(Sighs)
(Muffled music)
There she goes
An angel in my eyes
There she goes
Whiskey.
I love her passing by
I love her,
For she is my dream
She is my dream
My only dream
(Door creaks open)
(Sighs)
(Muffled rhythmic beats)
(Footsteps crunch in the snow)
Do you miss your mulch?
(Passionate breathing)
- (Exhales)
- Get off.
I think I'll go home
My future just past me by
There she goes
That angel in my eyes
There she goes
I love her passing by
I love her,
For she is me dream
She is my dream
Louisa: I know you must
think I'm like,
the most terrible person
in the world right now.
Which is fair. I guess I am.
Matt: We just started hanging
out and it's...
it's a fucking clich,
but it really just happened.
Louisa: But you know, you chose
to move back to Toronto
to pursue your acting career.
Matt: Oh, this is so messed up.
But you gotta know, Kurt,
how much she cares about you.
Louisa: And then so much time
passed.
That's not an excuse, I know.
I'm so sorry.
(Sighs)
(Slaps chest)
Louisa: Don't take too many
potatoes
'cuz I want you to fit
in your clothes.
Okay, don't micro-manage me.
Hey! Over here, big boy!
- Hmm.
- (Small chuckle)
Whoa, I feel like shit!
(Barbara laughs)
You look like shit!
Hey, by the way,
I'm over the whole
- chicken in the oven fiasco.
- Oh, thank God.
Hello, everybody.
As you all may know, Barbara
is an incredible singer.
- Oh, fuck me.
- Yeah!
So I thought it would be fun
if my multi-talented,
and powerful future
daughter-in-law, Louisa,
would accompany her on the piano
while she sings something
for us.
(Cheering and applause)
Misha: Serenade me, Ronald!
We should do something
off the cuff like this
at our wedding.
Yeah, we should make a plan
to do something off the cuff.
(Slow piano tune plays)
Give her all your love
Not only just a part
But all the love
That you can find
Deep within your heart
For it's only foolish luck
The hand that
we've been served
For all the love
that you can give
Is the least
that she deserves
Kurt: Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
(Rapping)
What up, motherfuckers?
I said, what is up,
motherfuckers?!
(Cheering)
- (Kurt beatboxing)
- Ya man!
(Rapping) I've got two moms and
a motherfucking sucky bombs
I got loose lips, no chick
and a pissed of sis
But let me tell you what
the fuck I'm here for
I'm 'bout to talk about this
phony baloney matrimony
That we all travelled
here for
I met a girl,
real nice things seemed
Then out the blue
I get a call one day,
I say what up, who dis?
He said, it's your brother,
Matty J.
I'm in love with your girl,
Kurt
I'm so sorry,
I don't know what to say
It's goddamn Deutschland
who made it this way
So the moral of the story,
the one you need to hear
Is that blood ain't thicker
than water
This shit is crystal clear
if you gotta good girl
Never let the angel go,
especially to Germany
She'll end up with your bro
- Stop it! Tupac.
- No, fuck it.
Hey, I love you, okay?
I am so in love with you.
I want to be with you, okay.
You and I, we should just get
on a fuckin' motorcycle,
and just...
(Punching thud)
Oh!
Tammy: Help! Help!
- Kurt: Whoa.
- Help! Help!
I got him! I got him
It's okay!
(Kurt giggling)
Matty! Matty, it's okay.
He's fine.
He didn't mean anything.
Get him out of here.
- Hey.
- We make a good team.
- I think we should be a team.
- At what?
I play the uke.
I'm pretty average.
- It's okay, it's okay.
- You okay?
Kurt: I love you, Matty!
It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay...
It's okay, everything's gonna
be fine. Just give me one...
Carrie: No!
Tammy: Matty!
Kurt: It's okay.
I'm so scared. Please.
Glad that's over.
Whoa! No, no, wait! Wait!
I'm black belt in karate.
Well, a brown belt,
but I got too busy with shit.
But I will take you down.
- What the fuck?
- Don't make me do that!
No, no, Matty!
Kurt: Thatta boy, Matty!
Matt: I'm gonna kick your
fucking ass.
Oh please come!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Hey, come on, let him in.
(Fighting grunts)
What does that bandana mean?
It's just to wipe.
Oh, it's not code for
anything?
You want it?
You can have it.
Your sweat smells like
pelonia flowers.
(Ding)
(Kurt and Matt panting)
By the way,
you're a terrible fucking
rapper.
(Kurt panting)
Excuse me.
Yeah, somebody left a pile
of shit in the elevator.
What?
(Door rumbles shut)
(Sounds of traffic)
(Muted slow song plays
from the car)
It's the end of you and me
(Shuts song off)
(Sighs)
That was nuts.
Barb's voice is so amazing.
So sweet of her.
I don't think I'm gonna be
able to get
that look you gave him
out of my head.
(Sharp exhale)
What look?
- (Scoffs) Get out.
- Matt...
Please get out,
please get out.
(Car door opens)
(Turns ignition,
radio turns on)
(Rumbles off)
(Door opens and shuts)
(Keys jingle)
Agh!
(Items crash to the floor)
(Ding)
(Door opens and shuts)
Oh, how you gettin' home?
Bus.
That sounds suitably
depressing.
You're gonna be all right.
(Ding)
(Elevator door rumbles open
and shut)
(Door opens)
Barbara: Albert, I need your
help.
- Okay.
- Can you uh, here.
- Oh my...
- I have to say something,
you have been the most
exquisite date.
Well, I have enjoyed every
single minute of it.
(Chuckles)
(Frantic knocking at door)
Tammy: Is Barbara here?
I need to speak with her.
It seems to be Tammy.
Yeah, I-I can hear her,
I'm 3 feet away.
Albert: I'll see you guys.
Tammy: Thank you.
If you need me, I'll be
at the cucumber water jug.
Oh, you look beautiful.
Ha! Have you looked
in the mirror lately?
(Sighs)
Matthew is gone.
He and Louisa got into
an argument and he left.
Where'd he go?
Fuck!
(Car doors shut, engine roars)
(Pouring water)
Are you enjoying
the cucumbers?
Well, they add a subtle
flavor.
Hmm. (giggles)
Yes, they do.
(Albert chuckles)
- Whose are those?
- Whose indeed?
Did you steal those from me?
If you want to imagine it
that way.
Let me see those.
These are not mine.
Wink, wink.
Honestly. These are not mine.
(Cutlery and dishes clink)
(Door creaks open)
- Barbara: Okay.
- Fuck!
Um, dozen raisin, please.
- Tammy: Get the cream cheese.
- And cream cheese.
So what's the plan?
Move back to Toronto.
Unless of course,
there's a Swedish exchange
student sleeping in my room?
She's Bulgarian.
Tammy: What are you gonna do with
your new apartment in Berlin?
It's Louisa's apartment.
She's been carrying
the bulk of our load
for a long time, now.
I thought you were making
money on your music thing?
Cuz it sounded better
that way.
Look, what-what are you here
to tell me?
She's the love of my life?
Everybody makes mistakes?
You dropped a grand on the
chuppah you can't get back?
- Two, actually.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well spent.
Look, we're here to tell you
that it's okay.
Yeah. It's better it happens
now than when you're 42,
with 2 kids.
You know, with all due
respect, Mom,
you don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.
She is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.
And I would definitely
not be living the life
that I'm living right now
as a fucking DJ in Berlin...
if she didn't have my back.
I don't know, if I only get
'til I'm 42,
that means I get 7 more years,
and I-I want those 7 years.
This is not going the way we
thought it would.
Look at us.
Can you picture you and her
like this in 30 years?
With cream cheese
all over my face?
Together! Trying to talk
sense into our broke kid.
In a bagel shop!
(Small laugh)
(Sighs)
(Door slams)
Whoa, sorry, sorry.
Hold that!
I wanna say something.
What is it?
I miss you, too.
- (Carrie laughs)
- Hey.
(Rhythmic drumming)
You know, Levi's new album
come out?
Maybe we should Zen out to it.
Just see how much better you
are than him, than everyone.
I guess I never really
thought about it.
Exactly.
Well, hey there.
I just wanted to let you know
that I'm not gonna need
- your help with a business plan.
- Okay.
Cuz I'm going back to school.
Need me to pay your tuition
and rent?
Shut up, Mom.
But yeah, that would be great.
Mwah! I'm sorry,
I don't wanna ruin your hair.
- I love you. Bye.
- Okay.
Sweetie...
I have an idea.
I have an idea!
(Giggling)
(Toilet flushing)
- Where are we going here?
- I wanna do something.
Just trust me.
- What?
- I want us to do our vows now,
without all those people
watching us.
- I was just gonna wing it.
- Yeah, so then wing it now.
Okay, okay. Okay.
Fair, I'll start.
(Clears throat)
- You'll have to excuse me.
- We're not sitting together?
You're still here?
Don't you have to get the
shrapnel out of your brain
or something?
- It's permanent.
- Ah...
I just want you to know,
I'm looking forward
to the next family function,
Bon marriage.
(Barbara sighs)
- Louisa Simon...
- (Giggles)
Ever since that first moment
that I saw you,
on that bench, in Berlin,
I knew that I was lookin'
at my dream girl.
And I felt like you saw
the man that I wanted to be,
and I vow to try to be that man
every day.
Okay, Matthew Berkman.
I vow to listen
to you regurgitate
all of the New Yorker articles
and podcasts
- that you listen to.
- Yay! (Clears throat)
I promise to moisturize
your hands when you get old.
(old man voice)
I promise to always send the
man from the past,
to tuck you in at night.
I promise to always sleep
with my feet on yours.
And I promise to never speak
to your brother
ever again.
He just needs some time.
I need you to know
that I did love him.
I think we both still do.
I'm so sorry about the shit
I pulled today.
I... I'm an idiot.
I know exactly who the person
is that I'm marrying.
That person grew up because
of you.
Look, I'm dreadfully sorry
about that misunderstanding
this afternoon.
Shh.
Now, you can have mine, too.
(Giggling)
(Both laugh)
I know about you and Roy.
Uh...
I would have appreciated
an invitation.
(Chuckles)
(Applause)
(Cheering)
(Nervous exhale)
(Slow ukulele tune plays)
(Sighs)
Okay.
With eyes open
I was havin' a dream
And as real as it seemed
It wasn't right
I saw you
Or was it somebody else
I remember your face
And your Converse shoes
I hope you know
what it means to me
When things get rough
and I lose control
I can't let go,
let go, let go-o-o
Oh yes... a little bit... yes...
(Shutter clicks)
Like that! That's so great!
Barbara: Albert, move yourself!
Get me another bloody Mary!
- It's a fuckin' emergency.
- Oh, in that case, uh...
Whoa! (Laughs hysterically)