1
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]
You're a loser.
It's just a fact.
But what if I told you
that I could help you
change all of that.
I'm a winner,
but then you probably
already know that.
I'm also a connoisseur
and a curator
of the best life has to offer.
Everything that you'll never
get to experience
until now.
Leveraging my excellent palate
and Darkstar technology,
we have strategically created
Chicken Milk Beer,
so that everyone can have
a little taste of my success.
So go on, slam a...
[MIC FEEDBACK]
Fucking fuck!
- Cut! Reset!
- [BUZZER SOUNDS]
Our existence
hinges on the next 48 hours.
One more thing.
Let's kill
the fucking sound, hmm?
Now, where are we
with the prototype?
See for yourself.
[BUZZING, WHIRRING]
[CHUCKLES]
I like it.
It's sort of cute.
So we're on track
for the test?
ILSA:
Broadcast window secured.
[BANG]
[MUFFLED BREATHS]
So, where in the good goddamn
is my alpha subject?
[SIRENS]
[MEN GRUNT]
If we don't make this delivery
in five minutes,
we are dead!
Dead! You hear me!
[SIRENS WAILING]
[GUNSHOTS]
Fucking hell!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Come on! Hold it down!
[GUNSHOTS]
[SCREAMS]
Hold it down!
MAN: Merry Christmas!
[GUNSHOTS]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[GUNSHOTS]
I'm gonna blow you up!
[SIRENS WAIL]
Whoo-hoo!
Nice!
[HORN HONKING]
MAN: Whoo!
[THUMPS]
[THUMPING]
What's all the noise, boys?
What was that?
- Check it out.
- [THUMPS]
[EXHALING SHARPLY]
[SCREAMS]
So, Chief, think we'll see
any action tonight?
Oh, Scott.
I was an eager rookie once too.
You need to learn in this job,
it's not about
looking for action.
It's about preventing it.
You should be writing that down.
Oh, uh, I was keeping
my notebook in my holster
but then I need that
for my gun.
Well, I lost it.
so you know how that goes.
Okay.
It's, uh... it's fine.
[BANGING ON ROOF]
MAN: Boys?
You gotta give me an update,
boys!
[ALL SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
Are you grasping my lessons?
I think I'm getting
a grip of it.
[GROWLING]
What the fuck is happening?
[WEREWOLF GROWLING]
Because you need to keep
your eye on the prize.
[WEREWOLF SNARLING]
No!
Got it, Chief!
Eye, prize,
Um, and everything else
that you say, Chief.
[GROWLING]
[CLICKING]
Wipers aren't working.
[GROWLING]
I just got this car
to safety, too.
Awesome.
Looks like I brought a knife
to a wolf fight.
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMING]
The only way
to get a leg up in this job
is to be vigilant.
Cool, like the Wolfcop?
That thing is not the law.
It is a perverse myth.
You have a better chance
of seeing Santa Claus.
[GUNSHOT]
Aah! Aah!
[MAN SCREAMING]
[GUNSHOTS]
[SCREAMING]
Don't even!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[SIREN WAILS, ENGINE REVS]
No! No!
My fucking Wolfcop!
Suspect heading towards station,
prepare intercept.
[SIREN WAILS]
You dead back there?
Oh, shit!
[SIREN WAILS]
Hands where I can see em'!
[GUN COCKS]
Go.
[DOOR OPENS]
- Rookie, we clear?
- Check em' out, Chief.
Perps' already bagged.
Dammit, Daisy,
that is evidence.
[CHUCKLES]
TINA: Oh, God.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[GUNSHOT]
[WEREWOLF HOWLS]
There's an animal,
something big!
I swear I put a round in it.
It's probably just a raccoon,
fat off town trash.
Well, okay, Columbo.
Can the detective work.
Grab the tape,
set up a 100-meter perimeter
before the lookie-loo's
start showing up.
Yeah, Okay.
Sorry, Chief, yeah.
SCOTT: Oh, fuck's sake!
Some one stole our doughnuts.
You're in charge
until I get back.
[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]
[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]
[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]
[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]
Crimes and crew cuts
Pigs and Donuts
I can put up with a lot,
but stealing donuts,
that's a new low.
MAN: These two teams
do not like each other.
TINA:
You can't keep doing this Lou.
You promised me
you would stay locked up.
Do you have any idea
the shit storm
you caused last night?
The new recruits?
Suspicious.
And do you know
what they're calling you?
Fucking Wolfcop.
Where's your car?
[IMITATES AN EXPLOSION]
TINA: Your pants?
Rookie's a good shot.
I'll give her that.
[LAUGHING]
[GROWLING]
[SNARLING]
What if a bystander got hit,
hmm?
What the hell
were you thinking?
LOU: [LIGHT GROWL]
Shifters.
Okay.
Until we know
who we can trust,
this becomes
our new home base.
I will see you bright
and early on duty
with donuts.
And put on
some fucking pants.
You'll poke an eye out
with that thing.
Oh come all ye faithful
Joyful and triumphant
Oh, come ye
DJ DAN: Brr! It's cold
out there in Woodhaven.
It's cold like a...
- My wife's heart.
- [LAUGHING]
DJ BOB: She doesn't
[HORN HONKS] me anymore
- What?
- Never mind.
DJ DAN: Uh, okay.
This is BAD Radio,
- I'm Dan and he's...
- Bob!
DJ DAN: Well, it must be
a Christmas miracle,
because filthy rich billionaire
Sydney Swallows
is reopening the old brewery.
DJ BOB:
A welcome change to Woodhaviens
not just consuming
mass quantities of booze,
but now making it.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Rumor has it
Interim-Mayor Bubba Rich
made a pretty penny
off that deal.
DJ DAN: Hey, and if that's
not enough to be thankful for,
"Santa Swallows"
is also retrofitting the brewery
into a sleek
new hockey arena...
DJ BOB: What's in a name.
Where the Woodhaven Darkstars
will play their first home game
this Christmas Eve.
The game is free,
so get there early!
DJ DAN: Oh, and always,
this BAD radio update
is brought to you by...
BOTH: Liquor Donuts!
What more could you ask for?
I'm still trying to get
that image of your dick
out of my head.
Look at this!
People are gonna see this!
Oh, God.
Okay, try now.
Tina!
I'm coming!
[ENGINE CLICKING]
Fuck!
Stubborn piece of shit!
All right, again!
[ENGINE STARTS]
- Yeah!
- Yes, good job, Lou.
- Took long enough.
- Come here.
Repeat it back to me.
[SIGHS]
Drop the bodies at the morgue,
dump the present at HQ,
Torch the van.
And?
Don't stop for a beer.
No, I mean it...
not even a quick chug-a-roo.
- All right, I got it.
- I'm serious.
I'm keeping you locked up
tonight.
No more "lone wolf" crap.
You've got to be kidding me.
What are you staring at it for,
man?
Don't be shy.
Give it a try.
Just pop it
and just, glug, glug, glug!
DAISY: I'm on... I'm on duty.
- Well...
- Hey.
Everything under control here,
rookie?
Uh, yes, Chief.
Interim-Mayor Rich
is just showing off
what the new brewery
is cooking up.
I don't know if I was
technically showing off,.
but, yeah,
I was just sharing.
I thought.
"Slamma' Cold Cock!"
That's my way of saying hi.
What do you think?
It's a slogan, man,
for the beer!
Try it!
It's amazing!
Go ahead, go ahead!
Chicken Milk, right?
Yeah, that's catchy,
but I don't think you came here
to pitch me, Bubba.
No. Wha... Bubba?
I don't think we're on
a first-name familiarity
here at all.
She, maybe,
could call me Bubba.
You could call me Mayor Rich.
- Still pitching.
- Yes, I'm still pitching
because reopening the plant
is key to the revitalization
of Woodhaven.
Let me tell you something,
young lady.
Considering what it took
to convince Sydney Swallows
and all
the Darkstar shareholders...
[ENGINE STALLS]
we don't need
any unnecessary tension,
do we?
Thanks for the advice,
but I think we have things
under control.
Woodhaven P.D.
is all about discretion.
Hmm.
[CRASH]
[ENGINE SCREECHES]
Yeah, you've got everything
under control.
How many people have died
in the last...
oh, I don't know...
10 minutes?
People dropping...
like it's crazy.
They're dropping
left and right.
I'm hearing
it's a giant fucking Wolfcop.
Are you hearing that?
Thanks, tips.
You know,
you might wanna try that.
It'll take the edges off.
I'm more of a black coffee gal,
Bubba.
Well, I'm a black gal guy.
[CAN OPENS]
I'm gonna ask you one very
important question, Tina,
and then I'm gonna leave.
Hopefully you'll answer me.
If not, it'll just dramatically
hang in the air.
Ready?
How come you never see
this Wolfcop and Lou Grou
in the same place
at the same time?
Uh...
A Wolfcop?
God damn it,
that sounds metal.
[GUITAR RIFT PLAYS]
Rookie.
Tina.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Yeah,
I cracked that package.
I don't know.
Some kind of, uh, lizard goo.
I don't know.
This is where Willie
would've been really helpful.
Okay, bye.
[SCREAMING]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Well, that fuckin' hurt,
you dick!
- Willie?
- Hi, Lou.
Hey man, before we, you know,
hug it out and all that shit,
I gotta know one thing.
any of this goo yours?
[BELL CHIMES ON TV]
[ALARM SOUNDS]
- Shoplifter!
- Aah!
[ALL GRUNTING]
WOMAN: Aah! Help!
Cheers, man!
Nothing like a fucking
Dale Ale.
So, how much
do you remember?
I remember like,
I don't fucking ==
Bits and bobs, man, like...
There was, like, this beautiful
big, fucking bright light.
[GRUNTS]
Which I think was a distraction,
because behind me,
there was like a huge
bulbous, smooth shaft...
WILLIE: Fellas!
What is this?
...that penetrated me...
[SCREAMING]
...with gusto.
Oh, that's kinda nice.
And they were some weird fucking
weird reptilioid dudes, man.
[WILLIE SCREAMING]
They, um...
They fucking violated me, Lou.
What do you know
about Shapeshifters?
Well, if we're just gonna
gloss over what I just said
about the fucking
huge bulbous shafts
and no means yes
in their land,
I don't know, man.
Shifters are
my fucking sisters bag.
I'm more about, like,
fucking drones
and chem-trials
and Sasquatch.
Hey!
Did you ever find
that fucking Sasquatch, man?
You know,
I was this close, Lou!
LOU: Willie! Focus.
- Shifters.
- Okay, shit, uh...
So, well, basic theory is,
they're trying
to control the world
by assuming the identities
of fucking regular folks, man.
I mean...
Holy fuck, Lou!
Did one of them
take my place, man?
Like, how much did I miss?
Oh, do I still own
the fucking gun shop?
Am I still the coolest
motherfucker in Woodhaven?
Does Tina Walsh
still love me?
Lou, how long
was I gone for?
A few months.
I wouldn't sweat it.
Don't swea...
Well, easy for you to say, man.
You weren't fucked
right in your identity.
SWALLOWS: Leveraging
my excellent palate
and Darkstar technology,
we have strategically
created Chicken Milk Beer,
so that everyone can have
a little taste of my success.
So, slam a cold cock
and unleash a better you.
[STOMACH RUMBLES]
Ohh.
Hey Lou, um...
[BELCHES]
[STOMACH RUMBLES,
WILLIE GROANS]
Is it getting hot in here, man?
No, not really.
You got a little boys room?
[FARTS]
Hey. Down the hall.
- [FARTING]
- Oh, shit.
[DIAL TONE]
[PHONE BEEPS]
Yeah, Tina?
You're never gonna believe
what I found in that crate?
WILLIE: Um, Lou?
Yeah, is everything okay?
Well, uh,
is there any chance
you feel like going on
a gitch run, man?
TINA: Hey, is that Willie?
Don't hang up.
[ELECTRIC SPARK]
What's this?
Insurance.
Frank will preoccupy the police
so there isn't a repeat
of lasts night's debacle.
[ELECTRIC SPARK]
You named him Frank?
Smells like old people.
[ELECTRIC JOLT]
Really smells.
[WHIRRING]
MAN OVER PA:
Happy Christmas!
Merry Hanukkah!
Joyous Kwanzaa!
To you and yours.
Carl.
["JINGLE BELLS"
PLAYS OVER PA]
You got the rights
for this stuff?
CARL: Oh, yeah.
Wolfcop is an official mascot!
We share profits.
[CHA-CHING]
Yeah, okay.
MAN OVER PA:
Today's special.
Dale's six packs.
Now $6.66.
Enter now to be first to taste
Chicken Milk stout.
So delicious,
so creamy and delicious.
MAN: Shut your face.
The T.V. news is on!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
It sat dormant for decades,
but now the old
Woodhaven Brewery
is days from reopening,
thanks to visionary
business maverick
and best-selling author
Sydney Swallows.
Mr. Swallows,
given your business interests
all around the world,
why Woodhaven?
Well, Sandy,
as an entrepreneur,
I'm always looking
to maximize my investments.
I like to win.
Now Woodhaven's
depressed economy
and cheap labor force
made it a natural fit
for Darkstar.
And besides,
if there's one thing
that Woodhaven knows,
- it's cheap-ass beer.
- [LAUGHS]
Hell, yeah.
Fucking sheep.
You can thank
your lucky "Darkstars"
because Chicken Milk
is about to save your...
Thank you, Mr. Swallows.
[LAUGHING]
Thank you.
So, where are you from?
SANDY: Here in Woodhaven.
[NERVOUS GIGGLE]
- C-cut the piece.
- Swallows.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
- Hey, what time is it?
- It's almost 10:00.
LOU: Oh, shit.
MAN:
Okay, that's unexpected.
Well, as for the weekend, uh,
it's gonna be a beautiful...
Give me bad love,
give me bad love
Give me bad love
Give me bad love,
give me bad love
Give me bad love
Give me bad love,
give me bad love
Bonjour,
and welcome to Club Phoque.
Give me bad love,
give me bad love
Give me bad love
Give me bad love,
give me bad love
Enough to kill a man
I want nothing if I can
Bad love
Give me bad love,
give me bad love
Give it to another man
And make 'em hungry
if you can
Lou?
Lou?
[SCOFFS] Cutting it close.
Seen Will, yet?
How do we know
it's really Willie?
[SIGHS]
Really Willie?
Mind your fucking peepers!
[FARTING]
Aah!
Oh, this isn't a shit.
This is not a shit!
[GROANING]
It's in me, man!
You will not lose to a shit!
[GROANING IN PAIN]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Give the girls a hand!
You piece of shit!
[SCREAMING IN PAIN]
Aah!
[GIRLS SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[GROWLING]
[SCREAMING]
[GROWLING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
How big are you?
[BANGS ON DOOR]
Lou, you good?
LOU: [ROARS]
No bullshit tonight.
Howl if you need me.
MAN: I'm afraid I have
some bad news for you, Ken.
You have cancer.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[LAUGHS]
You also have AIDS.
LOU:
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
Wakey, wakey, pickle kisser!
Who the fuck said that, man!
You with me, nutsack?
[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM]
Quit the drama, Nancy.
This can't be fucking real.
You are not real.
Get out of my belly!
I really don't have time
for this.
[MUFFLED TALKING]
I'm tripping balls!
Lou!
WILLIE: Lou!
MAN:
[DISTORTED VOICE ON WALKIE]
TINA:
Go for Chief, what's up?
[HIGH-PITCHED
DISTORTED VOICE]
Details?
MAN: [HIGH-PITCHED
DISTORTED VOICE CONTINUES]
Okay, copy that.
Keep me posted.
Good work.
MAN: [HIGH-PITCHED
DISTORTED VOICE CONTINUES]
Maybe.
WILLIE: Uh, Lou Grou, Lou!
Do you have any fucking
duct tape or a hammer
or like a fucking
or something...
Tina, whoa.
TINA: It's Chief Walsh,
and don't you take
a goddamn step, Higgins.
Chief Walsh...
I always knew you could do it.
You are a fucking vision.
Well, being the peoples Chief
does agree with me.
Oh, it agrees with me too.
Come over here you...
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
How do I know it's really you?
The last time I saw you,
you were a shifter.
Simple solution...
are you feeling the same
or similar butterflies
to what you felt
the last time you saw me?
When I shot you dead?
I recommend you be
as honest as possible.
Honesty?
Um, okay.
Well, I gotta show you something
rather personal.
I always pictured this
going down
a little bit differently,
but, um...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
You need to fucking see this!
[ZIPPER UNZIPPING]
Voil.
Hi, sweet tits!
Fuck me.
Would you say
that this is a bad thing?
TINA: It's not good.
In terms of us,
is it a fucking game-changer.
Are you insane?
Hey, why don't you give
one eye a kiss?
Hey!
Ow!
Uh, so, um, what would you
suggest we do?
[HOWLS]
I got a bad feeling
about this.
Probably cause you're drinking
that rooster juice beer.
It's not beer.
It's stout.
Whatever.
[SIGHS]
I don't wanna die,
not on my birthday.
[CAN RATTLES]
[WOMAN'S SCREAM ECHOES]
Fall back.
We need backup ASAP.
[BEEPING]
Freeze!
[GUNSHOTS]
[SCOTT SCREAMING]
Scott!
I can get it off,
one shot.
I bet you can.
That's what he said.
DAISY: [HIGH-PITCHED
DISTORTED VOICE OVER WALKIE]
[SCOFFS]
Go, what's your location.
We're at Club Phoque!
Officer Scott's
still in the building and...
[HIGH-PITCHED DISTORTED VOICE
OVER WALKIE]
Hang tight, rookie.
TINA: [DISTORTED VOICE
OVER WALKIE]
Backup, ASAP!
I love an ass in uniform.
Hey!
You respect
the fucking lady, man.
I will stuff you in my asshole
and choke you out with my anus.
Ow! You little fucker.
Ow! You little fuck!
Jesus!
Hey! What...
What about Lou?
[LOU GROWLS]
[ZIPPER ZIPS UP]
Lou?
You're a Wolf.
- Cop.
- I get that,
I think you're missing
the bigger issue here though.
A fucking wolf part man!
[LAUGHING]
Daisy!
I never should've left him.
Shit!
No. Whoa.
Whoa, Lou. Lou. Lou.
Stand down!
Rookie, gun!
All right, set up a perimeter.
You stay here!
Listen to me.
Teamwork, okay?
On my mark!
- One, two...
- [ROARS]
- Fucking hell, Lou.
- [LAUGHS]
As your commanding officer,
I am ordering you to stand down.
[GUN COCKS]
[GUNSHOTS, METAL CLANKS]
[GUN COCKS]
[GROWLS]
[GROWLING]
LOU: [LOW GROWL]
[GUNSHOTS]
LOU: [LOW GROWL]
Hey asshole!
Come on, come on, come on!
Come on!
Get in there! Get in there!
- Are you okay?
- We're alive.
WILLIE: Come here, Lou.
- [GRUNTS] Oh, God.
- Come on.
TINA: [BREATHING SHALLOWLY]
- Get him out of here, now!
- Okay.
MUTANT: Let me see the ladies,
I smell them.
Uh, please ignore me,
I'm not myself.
Don't worry, I got Lou.
LOU: [BREATHING HEAVILY]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
TINA: [ECHOING]
Morning sunshine.
You gave us quite a scare.
Lou Garou,
you were such an animal.
Thirsty?
Get over here!
TINA: [NORMAL VOICE]
Lou, what's wrong?
Wake up!
[HORNS HONK]
- [GRUNTING]
- Hang in there, buddy.
Lou, Willie's got a plan
to make you better.
I just hope she lets us in.
MAN:
The only body left intact.
Gonna be a busy night.
You ever seen anything
like this before?
MAN: No, never.
TINA: Let me know when
you've got him cracked open.
WILLIE: I can't believe
I'm back in the vag.
Hey, Lou, there's your Dad.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
Namaste, sister.
Oh, he's barely a fucking cop,
and he's my friend,
and he's the best guy around.
Open up.
You owe me!
Watch your sassy mouth!
Lou, come on, man.
"Space alien impregnates
a woman."
Is that what you are man,
you little fucker?
Okay.
[SIGH]
It's a miracle he's alive.
Well, Lou Garou is the strongest
and bravest man that I know.
[SNIFFING]
What are you doing?
Oh, my God!
He's a Lycan!
And a werewolf...
not the point.
Can you please fix him!
Hey, that occult book...
I'm the occult guy.
Mom left that to me.
You can use it now to save Lou,
but it's my book.
[WHIRRING]
Whoo, shit!
Any trouble recovering him?
[BEEPING SOUNDS]
A lycan lawman?
Tell me Frank
finished him off?
We're less than 20 hours
from our big coming out.
If that thing rears
it's hairy head one more time,
I want it on my mantel.
[ELECTRIC SPARK]
[LAUGHING]
Wait, so, this is your plan?
You're gonna save Lou
with a dusty piece of shit?
[TAPPING]
Kat, come on.
Hey, you sure that's...
that's a good idea?
I mean, I do know that
he can't fucking afford it.
[INHALING]
[GROANING]
[GROANS]
LOU: You wouldn't happen
to have a beer handy,
would ya?
Oh, thank God!
Are you an angel?
What?
I'm Kat.
LOU:
Oh, what'd you give me?
The Moon.
A piece of it anyway,
acquired during
the Apollo missions.
Easy now.
Just like any great remedy,
it has the huge potential
to be abused.
Lou, you look
fucking amazing, man.
That moon rock
works fucking fast.
That robo-freak
really did a number on me.
- You need to heal.
- [GROANS]
I need to get back
to Woodhaven.
Lou, you're not better, man.
You're on some high-octane
lunar fucking cocaine.
Five minutes ago,
you looked like a bag
of smashed assholes.
I feel way better, I'm okay.
- [GROANS]
- Then how is it a little kitty
can pin down
a big bad wolf?
Okay, getting weird.
Keep your distance,
come on now.
Rest.
Get your strength back.
So happy you're better.
You really came through.
You saved the day, okay.
And I miss this, man!
Like you and I battling
the big bad occult world.
Me too.
Well, then come back with us,
back home!
I can't go back to Woodhaven.
It's... It's not safe.
Dude,
we have a fucking Wolfcop.
If Lou were smart,
he'd get in his car
and disappear.
Well, Lou ain't like you.
And he's not smart!
DAISY:
Chief, can, uh, we talk?
About Scott?
Look, as someone
who has seen a lot of death,
and frankly,
mostly by my own hand,
I can assure you
it does get better, okay?
And sometimes it's even fun.
Good talk.
DAISY: I can't believe people
really think that Chicken Milk
is gonna "transform" Woodhaven.
[SCOFFS]
What is it, Chief?
You're a genius.
Suit up.
We're going on a field trip.
We're in the gutter,
smoking bud into the water
For the first time this year
I'm going swimming
with the women
And it's just like
a commercial for beer
I woke up,
I didn't know where I was,
and then all of the sudden,
I see fucking Lou Garou.
He punched me
right in the fucking face.
[BOTH LAUGH]
What?
KAT: Next round's on me.
Okay.
So, what's her story?
You mean besides the fact
that she is off limits to you
and anyone else in here?
We were tight growing up...
I mean, super tight.
She basically raised me,
which is weird,
because you know,
she's my younger sister.
Down the drain
Flush it
Flush it
Yeah, but then
a few years ago, man,
she changed, like,
fucking out of nowhere...
you know,
sealed herself off.
I didn't see her.
It's like I was lost.
Bambi in the woods.
It was really tough.
Why?
MUTANT:
'Cause he wants to fuck her.
You say something?
I'm pretty fucking tuckered.
MUTANT:
Get all up in that ass!
Well, I'm hungry?
Is there a fucking menu?
I could eat for two.
[SLAP]
- [CRASH]
- [GROANS]
Is that my sister?
To recovery.
And to abstinence
and respecting
people's siblings.
MUTANT: Give me my drink!
You okay?
Uh, yeah.
No, I mean,
I'm not feeling right exactly.
- I'm gonna... I'm gonna...
- Lou, hey, let me out.
- Run, run, run, run.
- Let me out of here.
LOU: [GRUNTING]
Yeah.
I'm gonna go tuck in.
Flush it
WILLIE: Bye.
Now
Does he seem
a bit off to you?
ILSA: The rink thermostat
has been dialed in.
The embryos have stabilized.
Everything
is coming together.
SWALLOWS: Well, then,
we should really thank
that hairy lycan fuck!
If he hadn't dwindled
our numbers so much,
we wouldn't have pushed
for this final solution.
Excellent.
[SNIFFS]
No bogarting
the devil's lettuce, brother.
[INHALING]
[INHALES, EXHALES]
Okay, man.
Easy, T-rex arms.
I got you, man.
[INHALES]
[COUGHING]
[JAMAICAN ACCENT]
Everything is irie.
[LAUGHS]
[DOOR BANGS OPEN]
WILLIE: Shit!
What the fuck?
What the fuck
are they doing?
Motherfuckers!
Fucking Lou Garou's
about to use
his fucking freedom stick
on my sister.
MUTANT: Bang, bang,
chicken shrimp.
No more weed for you.
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
[GRUNTS]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Is that moon dust?
I thought you said...
This isn't for you.
[SNIFFING]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
KAT: [EXHALES SHARPLY]
[MOANING]
Hey, you starting
without me?
KAT: [MOANING]
[GRUNTING]
[DEEP GRUNTING]
[PURRING]
[SCREAMING]
Motherfucker!
[PANTING]
Well, they say I should
approach you with caution
- [YOWLS]
- [GRUNTS]
- Aah!
- [YOWLS]
But not to let you be aware
of my fear
[BOTH MOANING]
Never know
what you'll find
Don't understand your kind
'Round here
KAT: [PURRING]
Uh-huh
Watching your moves,
they look so radical
Hearing the words,
they sound fanatical
Something inside reveals
you're magical
Oh, oh
How can I get enough?
You're a strange animal
That's what I know
But you're a strange animal
I got to follow
Whoa, ho
[BOTH GRUNTING IN DISTANCE]
Ugh! I still hear em'!
I can't listen to this shit,
man.
[BOTH GRUNTING,
MOANING IN DISTANCE]
You're a loser.
It's just a fact.
- Take that!
- But what if I told you
that I could help you change
all of that.
- I'm a winner.
- Hey.
But then you probably
already know that.
You like that, man?
- I'm also a connoisseur...
- Okay, lil' dude!
SWALLOWS: ...and a curator
of the best life has to offer.
That's your jam?
Leveraging my excellent palate
and Darkstar technology,
- we've strategically...
- You feeling okay, man?
Hmm?
[MUTANT GRUNTING]
[WILLIE GROANS IN PAIN]
So, slam a cold cock.
[SCREAMS]
And unleash a better you.
[SCREAMING]
[AIR HISSES]
Wow!
This is impressive.
This is why rinks
cost so much
'cause they're always putting
stuff like this underneath
and then they work it
into the price of the ticket.
Whole thing reminds me
of this porno I invested in once
called
"The Cunt for Red October."
It didn't go over very well
'cause people
don't like that word...
October.
The nicest part about it,
it's a hockey rink.
And there is nothing
I like in this world
more than hockey.
Well, except maybe fat stacks
of colored cash.
Well, then, here's to
a fruitful partnership.
Mm. Look at all that money.
Thank you!
Now this.
This is worth leaving
my Zumba class early for.
[CAN OPENS]
Mmm.
I'm gonna slam a cold cock.
[SLURPING]
Ooh.
[SLURPING]
Whoa-ho.
Ahh.
Crisp.
Oh, you really like your beer,
don't you?
[SIGHS] Feels good,
really feels good,
so you guys ready
for the puck drop or what?
Almost.
We still have to test
our PA system.
You're here just in time.
[WHIRRING]
[STOMACH RUMBLES]
[FARTING]
You heard that, right?
- [LOUD FART]
- Oh!
Why do I...
[FARTING, GROANING]
Oh.
Ohh!
You son of a bitch, Syd!
[GROANING IN PAIN]
[CHILDLIKE LAUGHTER]
What the fuck!
[MUTANT SCREECHING]
It's glorious!
[MUTANT SCREECHING]
Aah! Aah!
[SCREAMING]
Get it off!
You son of a bitch!
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING]
Aah!
[MUTANT CHATTERING]
[CRASH]
TINA: [WHISPERING]
Come on, come on.
[GRUNTING]
[MUTANT CHATTERS]
Did he shit himself?
TINA: Daisy!
[ALARM SOUNDS]
[GRUNTS]
KAT: [EXHALES SHARPLY]
So, that happened.
Yeah. Does Willie know?
Well, we were pretty loud.
No, I mean about you
being...
Fucking with you.
I wanted to tell him,
but he wasn't himself.
Even now I feel like
he's hiding something...
[BANGING ON DOOR]
WILLIE: Hey!
Fucking Turner and Hooch,
stop fucking please!
Coming William.
Shit just got real!
Come out, come out
wherever you are little buddy!
Just be a man.
I got more of that
fucking weed.
You guys keep your eyes
fucking peeled.
He's fast,
and he's fucking bulbous.
Who?
Bad Willie.
[HISSING]
That's a shifter hiss!
What are you...
No way he's a fucking shifter,
but he's smaller, nastier.
and I think he's my son.
[CHATTER SOUNDS]
[SQUEALING]
[SCREAMING]
Fucking Karma!
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
[MUTANT CHATTERS]
[POTS AND PANS CLANG]
[CHATTERING]
Move.
That was the worst fucking
four hours of my life.
You were so loud,
you didn't even hear me
fucking crown!
LOU: Oh, god damn!
I just gave birth to that.
[MUTANT CHATTERS]
Shoot this fucker.
Nope, he's my dude.
I can't.
[GUNSHOT]
- [SQUEALS]
- Ohh!
Ohh!
[GROANS]
[HEAVY BREATHING]
What? Like, you two
don't have secrets?
KAT: This is bad.
Earth's atmosphere prevents
Shifters from reproducing,
but if they've found a way
to impregnate humans...
...we're fucked.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
Don't do anything.
We're on our way.
DJ BOB: Hey, Dan,
we're tick, tick, tickin' down
to the big game between
the Woodhaven Darkstars
and those rotten
Regina Potashers!
DJ DAN:
Ooh, I can't wait!
And between that,
and the throwing of the switch
on the new brewery,
folks are calling Swallows
the savior of Woodhaven,
while others fear we may be
putting too many eggs
in that old
Chicken Milk basket.
DJ BOB: Oh boy!
Don't forget to stock up
on game gitch.
The first hundred
through the door
get a free skate sharpening
compliments of...
- Liquor Donuts!
- Liquor Donuts!
Thank God.
- Oh, you good.
- Now we're good.
- Oh.
- Oh! Uh...
- Tina.
- Okay.
TINA: Lou, how are you?
WILLIE:
Oh, he's pretty good
considering he just laid
the fucking good wood
into my sister.
- What?
- In case you cared.
I don't care.
I don't care about that.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
I don't care. [CHUCKLES]
Uh-huh.
You are so fucking cute,
and the woman
of my fucking dreams.
Hey, Walter,
we got
a fucking Desert Eagle.
Gimmie it!
Gimmie it!
- Glock!
- No, just...
Okay, listen,
Swallows has Daisy.
We need to move.
Puck drops in 30.
Take that.
- This thing's heavy.
- Well, you'll thank me later.
So what's the plan, Chief?
This is one of those times
I actually wish
we had a full moon.
Well, you are in luck.
the love of my life.
I happen to have
a full fucking moon rock!
[CHUCKLES]
Who wants to party?
When you're waiting
for something
And it's wasting your time
With all the sensations
that fill my mind
When there's nothing to hide
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the first
of many home games
here at the new Darkstar Arena!
[CROWD CHEERS]
I'm your maestro
for the evening, Organo!
ORGANO:
Now put your hands together
for the visiting team,
The Regina Potashers!
[CROWD BOOS]
No, it don't seem right
No, it don't seem right
ORGANO:
Yeah, take that gitch Regina.
That's what you want!
That's what you deserve!
No, it don't seem right
I'm on the pond.
How we doin'?
[MUFFLED DISTORTED VOICE
ON WALKIE]
Nothing so far.
[HIGH-PITCHED DISTORTED VOICE
ON WALKIE]
[LIGHTS SHUT OFF]
ORGANO: Ladies and Gentlemen,
the man of the hour
and my close personal friend
Sydney Swallows.
[CROWD CHEERS]
SWALLOWS: Welcome.
You are all very fortunate
to be here tonight.
Count your blessings.
[CROWD CHEERS]
"Why invest in Loserville?"
People keep asking me.
Because undervalued real estate
and cheap labor
can only go so far.
In the end,
I had to go with my gut
and trust that we could
transform this shithole
into something
far superior.
You are all very, very blessed
to be a part of it.
So, stand with me
And raise a toast.
I officially declare
the Darkstar plant...
open!
[CHEERING]
[FIREWORKS BOOM]
[LAUGHS]
As if you didn't have enough
to thank me for,
allow me to introduce you
to your new home team,
the Darkstars!
[ALL CHEERING]
[LIGHTS TURN ON]
This flock is fucked.
ORGANO: Ladies and gentlemen,
please remain standing
for our national anthem.
[WHIRRING]
["O CANADA" PLAYS]
["O CANADA" PLAYS]
O Canada
Our home and native land
True patriot love
In all thy sons command
With glowing hearts
We see the rise
The Truth North
strong and free
[CLEARS THROAT]
From far and wide
TINA:
I've got some repairs to do.
There's no zamboni here,
darling.
What's that?
[GRUNTING]
[AIR HISSES]
Willie!
["O CANADA" CONTINUES PLAYING]
The Darkstars...
I don't think they're human.
[STICKS BANG]
[CROWD THROWING UP]
O Canada
Yes!
Time to die, time to die
Time to die, time to die
Time to die, time to die
Rise my children!
Time to die, time to die
Time to die
[SQUISHING SOUNDS]
There's heavy action
in the sound booth.
I'm gonna go check it out.
[DISTORTED MUFFLED VOICE
ON WALKIE]
Coming to you.
We fuckin' doing this?
We were doing this, man,
but that's two minutes
for your face,
five minutes
for that fucking breath!
Go!
[MAN SCREAMING]
Oh my god, Willie!
Thank you.
God speed.
ORGANO: In place...
[CHATTERING]
Music's over, Jack.
It's Organo.
What?
Your name's fucking Organo,
and you play the Organ?
That's super fucking weird.
Why the fuck
aren't you wearing pants!
[GUN CLICKS]
I recognize you.
I'm the one who probed you.
It's time to die,
you strange animal.
That's it!
Yes!
[GUNSHOT FIRES]
LOU: [DEEP CHUCKLE]
What the fuck!
Yeah!
[ALL CHEERING]
Beat it.
Big fucking Wolfcop!
[SNARLING]
Well, well, well.
If it isn't
Mr. Hair Ball Sack himself.
You're a little late
to the fucking party!
[SCREAMING, MUTANTS CHATTER]
[WHIRRING]
[GRUNTING]
[MIC FEEDBACK]
WILLIE: Cut.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Check! Check! Check!
Origano has left
the fucking building!
This is your DJ,
Willie Higgins.
Who the hell is that?
I'd ask that your proceed
in a calm and orderly fashion
to your nearest fucking exit.
Here is a little ditty
to help you along.
Everyone out of here now!
[GUNSHOT FIRES]
[CROWD SCREAMS]
Shit.
Bring it on, beast man!
He's no fool
Breaking every single rule
[GUNSHOTS FIRE]
Chips are stacked against him
one more time
[GROWLING]
When the world's gone crazy
Only man can save it
It can be hairy
solving crimes
Oh! Fuck!
Fucking human
shish kebob, Lou!
Well played, man!
Looking through the fire
Stronger than
the eye of the tiger
Bigger than 10 grizzly bears
combined
And he won't stop
Oh, and at center ice,
we have a moron challenging
fucking Wolfcop!
[CHEERLEADERS CHEER]
He's a Wolfcop, Wolfcop
Bad man be creeping
down the streets
Kill him!
About to murder
Getting back to Wolfcop
Because he heard ya
Diabolical plan
- Foiled once again
- Oh fuck!
Mr. Officer catch the bad man
in the end
Howling at the full moon
Dude, you're playing
skins for life, man!
I will not lose
to a motherfucking Werewolf!
- [SNARLING]
- Get him!
Cleaning off the streets
then peeing on the trees
Looking through the fire
Stronger than
the eye of the tiger
Bigger than 10 grizzly bears
combined
I need some help down here!
Where are you?
[GUNSHOTS]
Your right! To the right!
Tina!
Sneaky bitch!
Hands off her!
I'm coming.
[BANG, GRUNT]
[KNUCKLES CRACKING]
Oh, God, okay,
you know what?
Yes.
I'm ready for this.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, God, okay.
I am highly trained, so...
[GRUNTS]
Okay.
[GRUNTS]
TINA: [GROANS]
[BREATHING SHALLOWLY]
[GRUNTS, PANTING]
Aah.
You are fucking ridiculous!
Aah.
WILLIE:
Back off my woman, bro!
[GUNSHOT]
[GRUNTS]
What the hell was that?
WILLIE: Me saving you!
Oh, God.
Also, that was a woman.
Yeah, okay.
SWALLOWS: [CLAPPING]
And we have a winner.
A notre Gagnon!
But unfortunately for you,
you haven't read
my latest bestseller.
"Anticipate every outcome."
Wait for it!
[HOCKEY ORGAN TUNE]
- [GRUNTS]
- Ta-da!
Get him boys!
Let's go!
Sayonara sucker!
- He's fleeing the coop.
- Lou needs help!
Okay, you go get him,
I'll get the wolfman!
Okay.
Hey, you're a good man,
Higgins.
Okay, so, this is
happening right now?
Hey, you know, I gotta go.
DAISY: [MUFFLED TALKING]
[CHEERLEADERS CHEERING]
Oh, yeah!
Excuse me, can I borrow your
scythe, brother?
Cheers!
[CHEERLEADERS CHEERING]
[GROWLING]
WILLIE: Yah!
Come here, boy,
get your medicine.
- [SNIFFING]
- Take her down, man.
Oh, shit, that's a lot.
[GROWLING]
MAN: Go! Go!
- Go!
- Yeah!
[CHEERLEADERS CHEER]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ZAMBONI ENGINE WHIRS]
It's that dude!
DAISY: [GRUNTING]
SWALLOWS: Come on.
Freeze.
Aah!
Oh, oh, oh, shit!
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, good shooting, Tex!
On the ground and spread'em.
I don't think so.
[GUNSHOTS FIRE]
[ALL SCREAM]
LOU: [HOWLING]
SWALLOWS:
Listen, you little A-Cup Duo,
look around, hmm?
[BEEPING]
The sooner
I go out that door,
the sooner you can go help
your friends.
Or you can shoot me now,
and we all die right here.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Merry Christmas, bitches.
Chief?
Do you think he's bluffing?
Ask me in a minute.
Come on!
[GROWLING]
WILLIE: Lou!
[GROWLS]
[ZAMBONI STOPS]
No fucking way!
Kat?
Lou, you don't look good buddy.
Hang in there, partner.
I got some medicine.
Fuck, we're almost
out of the moondust.
Call a vet, 9-1-1!
Call your fucking dealer,
answer me!
Meow!
Okay, Lou, Lou!
What do you need?
What helps you?
Donuts, donuts, booze,
booze, booze,
Booze!
Pass me the hooch.
Got a little bit left...
make you a Higgins
fucking smoothie.
Down the hatch!
You know what you're drinking
Lou?
Moonshine, baby!
[HOWLS]
[HOWLING]
I'm glad you're better, man,
but I still don't
approve of this shit.
CHEERLEADER:
Hi, bitch, wake up time.
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]
TINA: [SIGHS]
The horror.
The paper work.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hey, uh,
sorry to break up the party,
but we have about
- 20 seconds to get out.
- Why?
'Cause this shit's
about to blow.
Come on!
WILLIE: Blow the roof off.
- Come on, Lou!
- Go, go, go!
[EXPLOSION]
DAISY:
I guess he wasn't bluffing.
[GRUNTS]
Like I said,
you'll thank me later.
[CHUCKLES]
[FIRE CRACKLING]
WILLIE: Good thing we got
those season tickets, huh, Lou?
[CHUCKLES]
See?
This is why
we can't have nice things.
So happy
you decided to stay, sis.
Me too.
Let's take this to the bar,
Daisy's buying.
Why me?
'Cause you got kidnapped.
Rookie move.
LOU: Don't worry, kid,
I'll take you under my wing.
Oh, now I'm really worried.
WILLIE: Shotgun!
But not to let you be
aware of my fear
Don't worry, there's some
kitty litter back there.
Never know what you'll find
Don't understand your kind
'Round here
[SIREN WAILS]
Oh, oh
Watching your moves,
they look so radical
Hearing your words,
they sound fanatical
Something inside
reveals you're magical
Oh, oh
How can I get enough?
You're a strange animal
That's what I know
But you're a strange animal
I gotta follow
Whoa-oh
They've been trying to stick
a light in your system
Analyzing the defenses
you hold
Trying to open wide
Hoping to step inside
Your soul
Oh, oh
But everything here
is unfamiliar
Nothing they've seen
remotely similar
How can it be
you're so peculiar?
Oh, oh
How can I get enough?
You're a strange animal
That's what I know
But you're a strange animal
I gotta follow
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
I got to follow
I got to follow
Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah
Whoa-oh-oh, oh
WOMAN: It's important
that you avoid stress
and sudden facial movements.
Your sutures need time to heal.
MAN: Understood sister,
no smiling.
Well, the next bus
should be here shortly.
How do I look?
Very...
Handsome.
A new man.
Can you even tell
I had work done?
May I help you cross?
[GULPS]
You've already done too much.
I think it's time for me
to face the world
as a new man.
[SPLATTERING]
[ENGINE REVS]
[SCREAMING]
He's no fool
Breaking every single rule
Chips are stacked against him
one more time
When the world's gone crazy
Only one man can save it
It can get hairy
solving crimes
Looking through the fire
Stronger than
the eye of the tiger
Bigger than 10 grizzly bears
combined
And he won't stop
Out for blood,
every single drop
Ah-ooh
Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
He's a Wolfcop, Wolfcop
Bad man be creeping down
the streets about to murder
Getting back to Wolfcop
because he heard ya
Diabolical plan
foiled once again
Mr. Officer catch the bad man
in the end
Howling at the full moon,
call out the beast
Baiting as he hunts,
blood dripping from the teeth
Crime is like a stick
he can fetch with ease
Cleaning up the streets,
then peeing on the trees
Looking through the fire
Stronger than
the eye of the tiger
Bigger than 10 grizzly bears
combined
And he won't stop
Out for blood,
every single drop
Ah-ooh,
ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
He's a Wolfcop, Wolfcop
[HOWLS]
Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop
Ha, ha
I'm the Wolfcop
[RAPPING] Yeah
There's a new cop
in the streets
Half-man, half-wolf,
pure grease
Patrol the town,
looking for trouble, man
Stuffing dead bodies
in my duffle bag
Slash your face,
rip the head off your body
Slam a cold brew, and pump
a body with the shotty
Tricky feeling blood
and the sacrifice
Welcome to the seance,
see you in the afterlife
No teen wolf, just a man
with a taste for blood
Watch the werewolf
start smoking
While your trick on mud
Till you met me, you don't
know what trouble was
Till I filled your jean jacket
with a couple slugs
I'm cursed
With this curse,
I'm a monster
It's no foul hygiene,
foaming at the chompers
A hairy menace
with a badge and a gun
Don't bother tryin' to hide
'Cause there's nowhere
you can run
From the Wolfcop
Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop
Don't try to hide
from the Wolfcop
Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop
Oh, damn
Mr. Wolfie got a plan
Forget Frankenstein,
more like the Son of Sam
Soon as that full moon hits,
there's no turnin' back
Everything turns to black,
you can kiss my hairy ass
Mwah, how you like it?
I got you now, don't bother
tryin' to fight it
Welcome to my Hell,
you've all been invited
Once you've been bitten,
there's no way you can hide it
Forget wizards and witches,
I'll leave you in stitches
Just for a speeding ticket,
I'm bitten with a sickness
There's no antidote,
I'm alone on this highway
Drifting in the darkness,
sparking that new crime wave
So go pray to the priest
and drink your holy water
Grab your guns, lock the
doors, hide your daughters
You think you got me
surrounded
You better get your piece
and pull it
And better have
a silver bullet
'Cause I'm the Wolfcop
Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop
Don't try to hide
from the Wolfcop
Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop
I'm the Wolfcop,
cop, cop
I'm the Wolfcop,
cop, cop
I'm the Wolfcop,
cop, cop
Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop,
cop, cop
Yeah
MAN:
Big fuckin' wolf hound.