So, I want to thank you
so much for giving me
the opportunity
to present today to all of you
and talk about a topic
that drives my passion
and wakes me up
in the morning, marketing.
So, marketing is about
delighting the customer
through the touchpoints
of her user journey, OK?
By studying how the customer
engages her environment
we find authentic means
of weaving our brand story
through the narrative
of her lifestyle.
Now, I don't actually know
what I'm talking about.
I'm a fraud.
I am a fraud.
Fraud alert, fraud alert.
Fraud alert. Frau...
Oh, shit!
He knows, he knows I'm a fraud.
This is bullshit,
everything coming out
of my mouth is bullshit.
He knows I'm a fraud, oh my God.
I should've stayed
in music. I should've
stayed in the band!
I should've just been doing
music! Oh my God, I'm a fraud!
Oh my God, oh my God!
Hey, take a seat,
how you doing my favorite Rico?
- Rick.
- Hmm?
It's no secret,
this company's been going
through some pretty hard times.
We're gonna have
to start, you know, yeah.
Tissue?
I think you're gonna
find that this package
is pretty sweet.
Why don't you take
a few and give it the old,
think-a-roo, huh?
- Thank you.
- Oh, and Rick,
it's not you, it's us.
OK.
Fuck yes, yes!
Yeah!
Whoo!
I will have a pint
of your most expensive beer.
New daddy?
- I got laid off.
- Sorry to hear that, bro.
Nah, man, life's too short.
See, this is great.
Freedom.
To freedom!
There's a cleaners next door.
It's all good.
Keep the change purse.
Sori, how many actual
friends do I have?
You have zero friends.
I'm Sori.
- Hi, I need my pants.
- Yeah, ink or bodilies?
Number one, number two,
or number three?
Yo.
Eric mother-trucking Newman!
Dude, it's me.
Raj.
Patel, Raj Patel.
-Raj. Yeah.
-Yeah, what are you just
gonna stand there?
Send some fat to a ninja, man.
Man, what you up to?
I'm in digital marketing.
Oh, cool, you're in porn.
- That's cool, bro, no judgment.
- No, no.
How about you,
this a family operation?
Yeah, yeah, my old man
bought the place.
The whole family works here
and I can't stand it.
-Oh, we got Vipin.
You remember the Vipster, right?
-Hi.
I find a way to keep
it real digital
up in this bitch.
Real-time domain bit,
buy 500 plus tier one domains,
and boom, you're ten figging.
Ten figures, billionaring,
Billicon Valley,
Bilbo Baggin' it.
Dirk Von Dyke style, dude.
Top of the class and he doesn't
even know who D Von D is.
Vipin, come on, come on.
What are you up to right now,
man? You want to,
you want to get a drank?
-Sure, but my pants...
-Oh yeah, whatever,
I'll get that. Vipin, pants.
Liquid lunch, baby.
What a dick.
Hey Vince, can we get two
more drinks over here?
On the tab?
-All right.
-So, Einstein worked
at the Swiss patent office.
Guess who else did?
D Von D, but instead
of coming up with some stupid
theoretical shit he came up
with some real shit, man,
the VOIP site Jyoos.
J-Y-O-O-S, Jyoos.
-Jyoos.
-Mm-hmm, and now he is
in the billi club.
I don't remember you so
obsessed with making billions.
Not all of us could go to fancy
school like you over here.
You're actually talking
to a member of the unemployed
community right now.
Oh, shit, yeah,
that makes sense.
Digital marketing.
-You're shitcanned.
-Yeah,
thanks for the support, guy.
No, no, it's a good
thing, it's a new thing,
It's freshness, you know,
a new beginning.
I wish I could get shitcanned.
Dude, you were
the smartest kid in our class.
This should come
as natch to you.
Like my uncle Deepak,
he sold an app for 2.4 milli.
We could do this together.
Look, I've been looking
for like a rain man
to make it rain.
You provide the brain
and I will provide the bills.
-I have had a few ideas.
-OK, calm down there,
I see your boner, brosemite.
- You know what? Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Oh, I just bought wetpussy.org.
God, I can't believe I got that.
But no, yeah
to what we're talking about!
To Eric Newman, our CEO.
To wetpussy.org.
- To freedom.
- To freedom!
Bro.
Bro.
Broooo.
Juice me, bro.
Oh.
Dick Schlein, Ridickulous Media.
Founder, marketing champion.
Our wheelhouse
is app-based branding,
B to C, B to B, B to BBC.
Wish I had an app to tell
you to plug in my damn laptop.
Really sorry about that.
- I'm just dickin' with ya.
- Yeah.
No, that's my slogan,
it's on the card.
Just dickin' with ya.
You gonna plug it in or...
Yeah, sorry.
Nutter.
-What are you doing?
-Oh, I'm just sticking
in the juice, for Dick.
- Do you mind?
- Yeah.
Sorry about that.
That's when I came up with it.
It's like how many times
have you been in this position,
but like didn't have
a means to connect?
See, I can actually talk
to women because that's normal.
Well, not everybody
has the gift.
And the app has many
different types of use cases
-for a lot of different things,
like for example, dating.
-OK, yeah.
Or conferences.
Let's just do what is
actually important
like figuring out the name.
Talkr, without an E.
Chattr, Chat. ly with a. ly.
Smel. ly with a...
oh my God, that's genius.
I got to buy that right now.
-Dude, could you just
us for a second.
-Just us, Just.us.
- Dude, you are on fire.
- OK, dude, enough with the shit.
Shit, Pu pu.
How old are you again?
- Almost 30.
- Yeah.
It's all about discovering
cool people around you and then
-eventually meeting them.
-OK, and then we track
the whole thing
- and sell their data, smart.
- Isn't that like very creepy?
Dude, the internet is
a trillion dollar peep show.
We're gonna be fine.
I told you five million times,
it's better than a dating site
'cause it could be a lot
of different things.
It could happen for schools,
and universities, and
conferences and get-togethers,
and jamborees.
Why did we come up from apes
to the things we are now?
Money.
What is
the monetization play, man?
Deep inside
if you connect the right people
at the right place,
at the right time, there's tons
to be made off of that.
It's just about unlocking it.
- FML. Ah!
- We're not calling the app FML.
So, you enter the app
and you can see all
the different people around you.
Then you can look and read
the profiles that people
are happy to post.
And if you like one of them
then you click on that.
And then you get to
a huge local ad unit.
Yeah, I love that.
Fine, but then you can
start your conversation.
OK, which we datamine
for trends, and then we sell it.
I love that even more.
It's not bad.
It's not not horrible.
- Good job, buddy.
Aw, crap.
OK, yeah, I got to go, man.
Old man problems.
Full bachelor party.
All bodilies.
What, that's it?
Dude, we haven't even come up
with the name of the app.
I will connect to you later, OK?
Connect2U!
Yeah.
OK, fine, great,
that's our placeholder.
Or Placeholdr without an E?
- Connect2U is good.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- Connect2U.
-Where the hell were you?
we're on in like two minutes.
-I had a hard time getting away.
Let's just say Vijay thinks
I'm mid-deuce right now.
OK, let me take the lead on
this, cause you're not gonna
like this guy.
He is a total Banana Republican.
Chet, oh, buddy.
Right circler, dag!
- Roger, I am so jazzed.
- Yes.
I cannot wait
to hear about this.
So, why don't you guys
set up over there
and give me the spiel, OK?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Chet, let's just jazz about
a problem that we all have,
letting people know
what we really think.
Say you were at a coffee shop
and your barista
is being a total bi-otch,
you'd want to let other people
know about that, am I right?
With tech we figure out
a way to connect with people
across the world
but not with people
in the same room as us.
That's where Connect2U comes in,
so we can connect to you.
Connect2U is the native app
in connecting people across
- different mediums in real...
- I'm sorry, hold on a second.
Who's the guy?
Oh, this
is Eric Newman, our CEO.
- Does he speak?
- Yes.
So, why isn't
your CEO presenting?
We are contrarian.
I like it... Stealthy.
So, if I wanted to use this
to communicate with someone
in a restaurant,
find out what the food is like.
OK, yes, great use case, man.
Great use case.
So, what's the monetization
play here, boys?
Oh, uh...
We've given thought to a unique
multi-stream business model.
Ads, ads, lots of ads,
CTC, CPA, CPWs, BBWs.
-Sorry, BBW?
-Big and beautiful women,
super loyal demo.
- Click-throughs for days.
- Right.
So, we don't alpha
invest anymore.
We just let you guys run
with it, scale organically.
See, we like seeing
the app in market fostering
a more engaged user base,
so from 30,000 feet
we can figure out how
to leverage, pivot,
and really scale.
So, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's get you guys
on the books for,
what is it now, October?
Let's, I don't know,
come back around in April, OK?
Ping us, I got to bio break.
Guys, a thrill.
OK, great seeing you, Chet,
we'll play golf some time.
Dude, we killed that.
- So?
- So, I just spent months working
on this on spec with enough
of my savings giving it all up
for this big chance you kept
playing up to which you
showed up fashionably late
and didn't even let me
get a word in edge-wise,
all to find out that
your big connection is thrilled.
OK, look, I don't have
time to argue.
Just appreciate the moment.
-Yeah, appreciate your job.
At least you get to keep yours.
-Whoa, whoa, hey,
who are we kidding, man?
We're killing ourselves
every day when we're not doing
-what we love.
-Love? All you want
to do is flip shit.
Yeah, and I love it. So, I said
that you could sell early,
wishful thinking.
Look, just say the word and I
will go full-time with you.
I'll hand in
my pink slip to Vij.
- No more running around.
- Really?
So, we're both gonna work
full-time on something
that pays nothing.
-How, pray tell,
shall we fund said expedition?
-Don't ask me, I'm second G.
Yeah, well,
Chet was our only shot.
No, no, there are plenty
of fish in the VC sea.
Besides, he's right,
why give up on such a big part
of the dream so early,
it's just money.
- Yeah, small detail.
- Look, we need to cut costs.
The Vipper will have
a good idea.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- -Hi.
It is so good
that my baby's back home.
Oh, here, now,
let me help you with this.
- It's OK, it's fine.
- OK, let me take this then.
No, it's fine,
please just don't take... ow!
Jeffrey, we could use
some help in here please.
Ma, shit.
Fuck.
So, what's the story,
you get fired?
Lay offs, it's nothing about me.
-I mean,
if you're adding value...
-Jeffrey, don't start.
Look, he dabbles from job
to job. He has no idea
what he wants to do.
I do know what I want to do,
I have a project.
It's a business actually.
Actually, I'm the CEO
of a business.
Oh. See, that's pretty
straightforward, Jeffrey, hmm?
Sounds very exciting.
All right,
Mr. Chief Executive Officer,
what exactly are you executing?
Remember Raj from the cleaners?
- Oh my, Raj.
Didn't his parents buy
the strip mall cleaners?
- Who do you think you are?
- I'm sick of working
-in stain removal.
-I worked for my father
for years, boy.
Boy. Look, maybe if you didn't
treat me like a boy
you'd see I'm a man.
Oh, well, maybe as a man
you can pay
your fair share of the rent.
No, I'm not gonna do
that 'cause I'm not gonna
live here anymore.
I'm leaving, just
like Uncle Deepak.
Don't you mention that D.
How are they doing?
They're doing great.
Anyways, Raj is working for me,
- with me, on an app.
- App.
Well, you know what D Von D
says about rock bottom, right?
- Let me guess, liquid brunch?
- No.
Look, don't think about it
as shit hitting the fan.
Think about it as spreading
fertilizer in the soil
of your mind.
That's some deep shit, brother.
We can only go up from here,
you'll see.
Yeah, literally.
I'm looking for a new challenge.
An amazing opportunity.
I'm really a people person.
Yeah, we'll circle back.
-When do my options vest?
-You and us isn't
gonna work out.
Oh, OK, I like that you
put that you're artistic.
That's a U.
Oh, OK, I am so sorry.
Did you guys want
to order something?
I'm looking for something
a little more conventional.
- Do you even have a social?
- No, but I could hack one.
We'll get back
to your legal guardian.
You guys are amateurs.
Hey, are you guys interviewing
for some sort of startup?
- Roger.
- Jeanine.
- That's my name, too, Roger.
- Oh... Cool.
I'm Eric.
Hey.
How can you help us
help you help us?
Well, I project manage,
design, illustrate,
and have access
to some programmers, if you guys
are looking
for that sort of thing.
Do you know what we do here?
Uh, by the looks of it,
not much, but I get it.
You're grassroots, two guys
with a germ of a good idea
and no money. What you need
is someone like me,
someone who can put
a solid team together
so you can do what you do.
Yeah, OK, we're actually going
to have to mull this over.
But, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Cool, yeah.
Other than trying to look cool
is there any reason we're not
begging her on our
hands and knees right now?
- No.
- OK.
Welcome, everyone,
to the future.
Many years ago I met
this young man, Raj,
AKA, Rajinder, AKA, Roger.
We were high school buds,
but went our own ways,
me to a shitty big business,
him to a shitty small one.
But we had a crazy idea
about an app that brings people
together in a cold
and distant world.
It's a little bit intimate
here, but if you're with us
you're here to fight
in the trenches.
You don't want to be
a cog in the system.
You're anti-authoritarian
and damn proud.
He's not with us, by the way.
So, who here is ready
for adventure?
I'm here because of Jeanine.
Ditto.
Or that, yep.
Is the app responsive or hybrid?
I would say all the above.
OK, hybrid is all the above.
Boom. Rockstar.
Your resource projections
are understated.
Just working on your budget and
work back plan here to a six-
month launch, and voil.
That gets you an MVP.
I already am an MVP, so.
She means
minimum viable product.
Ahem, hey, Raj, bio break?
Yeah, go.
Together?
-What's up?
-We're screwed. I thought we'd
get by living like schleppers,
getting
a couple low-budget employees.
Yeah, that's why
we need cash flow, bro.
Look, you're CEO.
Hustle, playa.
Connect2U is the app
to connect you
to potential loved ones.
God, this sounds
like an app for a funeral home.
I like what you're trying
to get at,
but it's a bit static,
-kind of like
a private email service.
-Yes, OK, that, that's my point.
Which makes no sense when it's
for getting people to talk to
each other in real life.
-That's my point.
-Everything about
the design should get people
to meet up in person.
OK, you're talking
about getting game.
- Gamification.
- OK.
Connect2U is the app
to connect you
to potential loved ones.
God, you have like no
confidence. Who did this to you?
Make it fun for people
to get to know each other
through the app.
Sure, it's just this
isn't really a video game.
It's about developing
long-lasting friendships.
But I like the thinking
a lot, keep it up.
The market for connecting people
is valued at over $500 billion,
and no one
can do it quite like Connect2U.
Thanks, Mr. Newman.
So, following the critical
path we're just gonna make
a bare bones MVP
for your phase one launch.
Hmm.
Do you like Jeanine?
Yeah, she's like a super
fast worker, she's awesome.
No. Do you like Jeanine?
Where'd you get that sweet
Gantt spreadsheet template?
- Oh, I just whipped this up.
- What?
God, dude, you have
such a crush.
You put in all those macros?
Where did you learn
how to do that?
You should be honest
and just ask her out.
Are you kidding me?
Dude, that's like completely
against HR policy.
HR policy, we work at a caf!
Confession,
I'm an Excel fetishist.
Get out.
I love Excel, I wish I could
like SUMIF my entire life.
Right? Can I VLOOKUP yours?
Oh my goodness.
You have serious dorkitude.
Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug.
Yeah, buddy, chug,
chug, chug, chug.
Oh, last line of code, bitches!
Action it, action.
Can you believe
that we did it, broski?
We made a damn app.
We came up with an idea, we made
crazy sacrifices, and boom.
Launch time.
Come on, don't leave me hanging.
Fearless leaders.
This ceremony is to commemorate
the birth of Connect2U.
But before we launch in,
a little birthday present.
Using my magic
I was able to score us
an exclusive preview from...
Sierra Miller coming tomorrow
for an in-person interview!
Obviously you guys
don't know who Sierra Miller is.
-She's only the most influential
East Coast tech blogger going.
-Yeah, I mean, she hosts
-the Techies, the Geekies,
and the Dweebies every year.
-Every year.
And she can get thousands
of downloads with a finger snap.
- Boom.
- But enough banter, ship it!
- OK. Yeah.
- Let's do this.
Ah, I see you.
Oh, I see you.
Yeah!
Yeah.
-I just lost you.
-This thing just froze,
it just, it just froze.
Sorry, there's no back
button in the chat space.
Bugs are to be expected when
you code at the last second.
Yeah, I know, it's just we,
now we have like
an interview tomorrow.
Because I hauled ass to get
it since that's what you wanted.
- I'm not blaming you...
-OK, look, my whole phone
just froze, what?
OK.
Yeah, it's... No.
Great.
Oh my God, every time we
fix a bug another pops up.
Bugs are bugs, guys.
What's important now is who
you are and why you made this.
Yeah.
Eric, are you OK?
Not really.
Close that.
Stupid.
Eric, this is Sierra.
Going to scooch.
So, Connect2U, that's cute.
So, take me to the moment
you thought this thing up.
Um, yeah, it was about three
or four months ago.
So, you don't remember
when or where
or why you created this?
No, I do, I'm just...
You don't talk very
much for a CEO.
OK, well, if you don't
have much to say,
I can at least take
a look at your app.
"Ah, dude, just relax and
picture her naked, she's hot."
App isn't loading, does
anybody else have it loaded?
Yep.
So, how is it any different
from RoomFriender, HubChat?
What's your differentiator?
Well, I haven't heard
of those other ones.
Of course not, skippy.
- All right.
- Thank you.
Hey, Sierra,
thank you so much for coming.
Maybe we're just not quite
ready for a discussion.
Oh, you're definitely
ready for discussion.
Word of advice.
You're better than this.
Sierra, I loved
your piece on accelerators.
It was bang on.
Listen, I'm developing
a safe space for white men
on the internet,
and I thought you...
Hey, man, you're going
to call me crazy,
but, I think she was into you.
Registered on the old Rajdar.
Did you hear her? She's right.
This is the stupidest idea
in the history of like ideation.
OK, we're two idiots thousands
of miles from Silicon Valley,
reverse engineering some
half-baked idea and giving up
our lives and careers
and families
for some stupid dream
that like never happens.
- At least you got a girlfriend.
- She's not...
Look, this slope is like
way too slippery.
-Someone's got to put
an official sock.
-Wait, what, no, no.
What are you doing?
This whole thing is ghetto.
What we need to do
is raise capital so we can
get it done right.
Clearly I'm not
the guy for that.
What?
Dude.
Fine, fine, I'll do it.
Sori, text Raj, thanks
for filling in today.
I'm gonna send them
the bad news tomorrow.
And for sanity's sake
it's best if you moved out ASAP.
Send.
Sent to Raj, I'm Sori.
This is
a once in a lifetime
investment opportunity.
Your seed keeps the lights on.
Get in on the ground floor now,
enjoy the penthouse later.
OK, how about philanthropy then?
Please, please!
What did I ever do to you, man,
come on!
Auto-dictate on.
Roger, Connect2U is not
a good fit at this time.
But good news, I can
offer you a 25% discount
to our Startup Olympics
with code Rockstar.
Thrilled as fuck, regards, Chet!
Ow!
- Hello.
- Hi.
Are you selling cookies?
Eric?
Eric?
Eric?
Oh, my God! Jesus!
Holy moly.
Oh, my God.
Um, yeah.
- Oh, God.
- OK.
- Oh, wow, yeah.
- I'm sorry.
Let me slip into something
a bit more clothey.
- Mm-hmm Your mom made me bring you some
cookies.
- -I figured as much.
Uh, yeah, no, don't go in there.
Am I about to find your stash?
Oh, my God, you're a musician.
I'm a hobbyist.
Like real musicians
have careers, me, no.
Play me a song.
-I don't do songs.
-OK, play me a thing,
I won't judge you.
Have I ever judged you,
out loud?
OK, fine, here's a groove.
OK.
- Awkward.
- Exciting.
Groove.
You know what you are?
A renaissance man child.
- Like a shitty da Vinci?
- No.
Your mind is capable of a lot,
but your heart is in music.
It's what you should be doing,
I can see that.
Where am I gonna find
the time to start making...
OK, don't answer that.
- You know what you need?
- -Hmm?
- ShitKicker.
- Like crowd funding?
It's the best way to hold
you to your passion project.
I'm filming.
-Don't do that.
-Too late,
it's recording, start.
Hi, I'm Eric Newman.
I'm a failed analyst,
entrepreneur, and musician.
But my colleague here
has suggested that I kick
my own proverbial shit.
So please support me in becoming
a professional musician
so that I don't at least die
full of festering regret.
Yours truly,
Eric Newman, esquire.
What?
Stop it.
Stop it!
No, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I got you something.
You shouldn't have?
I know, but I couldn't resist.
This is so you sleep
better at night.
A spreadsheet bed sheet?
Dorkitude?
Get out.
I silk screen, it's no big deal.
Shall we product test it?
- Ha!
- Whoa.
Yep, this is awesome.
OK, can you wake
me up in like 20?
I have a thing tomorrow.
To never working
at my dad's cleaners again!
Yeah!
All right, let's begin. Eric,
what are three words you would
use to describe yourself?
Well, I would say loyal
because I like to stick
with those that give
me an opportunity.
And I'd also go with dedicated
because once I'm on a set path,
I like to finish
what I've gotten started.
So, you only have two words?
I'd also go with gangsta
'cause that's how I roll.
Gangsta.
Yes.
OK.
What do you think is
your biggest weakness?
I think I would go with opioids.
- Opioids.
- This is very fun.
Share an example
of how you were able
to motivate co-workers.
-Blackmail.
-How do you handle a challenge?
-I just give up.
-Did you ever
not meet your goals?
-Well, I am here, right?
How have you handled
a difficult situation
with a supervisor?
- Scotch.
- With another department?
- Tequila.
- With a client or vendor?
- Wine.
- With a boss?
Craft beer, or caffeine.
Liquid lunch, baby.
This is the most unprofessional
interview I have ever done.
No, you are doing great.
But listen, I have a thing so...
-So now, you gonna tell me?
-I don't know, man,
it's kind of embarrassing.
-Embarrassing?
-Look, I knocked on every door
I knew, but no juice.
So, in my lowest state I was
gonna go back to the Vij
when, I got some of that D.
- Excuse me?
- Uncle Deepak?
-Ah.
-I told him the sitch,
and he said he'd support me.
- And he has that kind of money?
- He is a serial entrepreneur.
He sold a couple patents.
I just never knew
about it because him
and the V-Man don't talk.
You know, don't ask, don't tell.
- Hey, a toast.
- I got this.
To Raj, we don't know
how you do what you do.
We don't want to know,
but keep doing it.
And to liquid lunch!
To liquid lunch!
Go Raj,
go Eric, go Raj, go Eric.
- Welcome to Connect2U HQ!
- Yeah.
We are no longer ghetto, folks.
We got a new look.
Speaking of which, uh, bam!
Meet your new boss, Roger Patel.
Hey, pass these around.
We are starting a fresh,
EG, augmented reality!
It's just a huge market
waiting to be tapped.
From now on, Connect2U
is gonna connect you
through roaming avatars
anytime, anywhere.
Free range, baby!
But how are we gonna do this?
Is it gonna be hard? No,
because we got a kick ass team,
starting with my co-founder
Eric Newman,
our Chief Technology Officer.
Give it up, give it up!
With increased growth comes
increased responsibility.
I'm talking promos, yo.
Guess who's getting,
it's my girl, Jeanine Genet,
Chief Product Officer!
For now, let's enjoy Connect20,
our employee engagement
initiative.
Just jot down and journal
for the next 20.
Get down with the downtime.
DJ, spin that shit.
- What are you doing?
- Making us a billi.
I'm just a little bit surprised
to find that you flipped
my idea so that now
it's totally unrecognizable.
- It's an augmentation, Eric.
- You're buying this too?
Don't hate the player,
hate the gamification.
See, while you were busy giving
the man the reach around,
I raised a shitload
of das capital.
So now, I lead and you play CTO.
I don't know the first
thing about being CTO.
You didn't know the first thing
about tech either.
But look at you,
you are
a co-founder on Crackbase.
That's a naked woman.
Illustrative.
If you'll excuse me,
it's executive order time.
But I thought this was
a convertible loan, Eric?
I thought I could get
a chance to invest if I want.
Eric?
Eric!
Oh, Chet.
We're actually
at an eight figgy valuation now,
so why don't you try
circling back, huh?
OK, great, reach around, bud,
peace out.
Yeah, click douche.
That felt good.
Thoughts?
What are you saying?
I look like a turtle?
- Pretty much.
- Thanks.
I'm saying it takes you
a while, but slowly and steadily
- you win the race.
- Ah.
And you hide under a hard shell,
but underneath it all
you're just a green softy.
And, who are you?
You mean hoo am I?
Identity protection
and anonymity come down
to some level of encryption.
Connect2U will use
256 bit level encryption...
It sounds
brilliant, but I really
don't understand any of it.
- Ella's a PhD in cryptography.
- Wow, you really scored us one.
-You kidding, you give a PhD
a job they'll suck your dick.
-No words.
Oh, God, that's good.
Hey,
this is Roger Patel here, CEO.
Just doing my series B round
for Connect2U.
This thing is about to pop.
Yeah, just did.
OK, ping me
when you're next avail, OK?
Talk some equity, peace.
Bottom line, every single
Connect2U interaction
is completely anonymous
with like no digital trace.
Yeah, buddy,
you got that privacy
that you wanted so badly.
Sorry to interrupt your tales
from the crypt, but we're good
to go on liquid lunch Tuesdays.
I poached Barista Jesus.
Come to me.
We were
in the middle of a like...
Hey, it's team building, amigo.
Which reminds me, please,
guys, do not forget
Connect2Yoki tonight,
bring your significantes.
This is Raj.
Reggie, yeah,
I just wanted to go over
the ad platform with you.
So now, we have an ad platform?
I did not get the memo either.
Yeah.
- Yeah, I see you.
- And I see you.
- I'm getting good at this, huh?
- -I'm very impressed.
Yeah, but I still can't
see the treasure chest.
- Get closer.
- I am.
Wait, oh, I see it, I see it.
OK, now what?
I'm supposed to open it, right?
- I swipe up?
- -Yeah.
OK, let me, trying this.
- Closer.
- -OK.
I'm swiping, and it's not...
Ah-ha! Got it.
You see?
You see how awesome that is?
That's a rush.
Did you see your prize?
Oh.
- Fine, you win, this is fun.
It's fun.
Welcome to Perkiledge Capital.
Join us for this year's
Startup Olympics,
featuring a very special
VIP guest.
If you're trying
to reach Chet leave
a targeted micro-message now.
Hey, Chet, just circling back
seeing if your
original offer still stands.
Ping me, ping me.
Uncle Deepak?
-What the hell?
-What the hell did you do
with the money?
Where the hell did you even
get the money from? Did
you lie about Uncle Deepak?
OK, I did not lie,
it was half truth.
I was down on my luck
and I asked him if he'd support
me for the first time ever.
He said yes. I told him
what he was trying to raise,
and he laughed... hard.
So, I just asked him if
he'd help with the startup
application fee,
and he did, he helped with it.
Oh, God,
so where's the 300K from?
I started filling out the
application next door at the bar
when I got into it with Vince.
You know, pouring my
troubles down the drain.
And he tells me
he's into this, and I'm like,
"What? You're into tech?"
It's an app
for the Startup Olympics.
And he's like,
"yeah man, that's my jam."
Did you not know about our app?
So, I pitched him,
it was a great pitch.
Vince, have you ever been to
a coffee shop and your barista
was being a total bi-otch?
So, you're telling me
the guy behind all this
is the guy behind the bar?
OK, look,
what sold him was you, OK?
He remembers you
from high school,
he really loved our idea.
My idea, which you sold!
I did not sell it,
it was a loan.
- We owe Vince $300,000?
- With interest.
- What rate of interest?
- Half a percent.
-That's actually pretty
competitive.
-A day.
- That's like a million dollars!
- Oh, shit, my bad.
Oh, my God. OK, we have to
pay him back immediately.
We're two weeks from launch.
- What's the story with sales?
- There is no story.
Awesome, you're amazing, thank
you. Is there anything else
we can sell
like products,
placement, patents?
- No, I've tried everything.
- OK, what about Perkiledge?
- They're blue balling us, the balls are
blue.
- -Oh, God!
Why, why, are you not well?
Are you on drugs?
Are you off drugs?
Look, we just needed
a short-term cash infusion, OK?
What's a milli when you're
gonna make a billi?
I don't understand
your hip-hop numbers!
Never put all
your eggs in one basket.
OK, look, that is easy
for you to say, OK?
I grew up with nothing.
You know, my dad wants
to cage me in,
- but I'm free range, man.
- That's a free throw,
you are doing a free throw.
You say you have nothing,
you had everything.
You had all the girls, all the
attention, and all the love!
You're bringing
this back to high school?
Of course I am. Why do you think
we stopped being friends, bro?
'Cause I did all your homework
and you took all the credit for
everything,
- and took it all for yourself.
- No, we stopped being friends
because you went off to some
fancy school, you know,
to become
some corporate D-bag poser.
And you needed me
to bring you back.
You know what, fuck you, OK?
-Wow, real creative, yep.
-Fuck you
and your fucking world!
Fuck Perkiledge,
fuck the Startup Olympics,
fuck Apptitude,
and fuck Sierra Miller!
- Fuck Sierra Miller!
- Yeah!
No, no, I mean, literally
fuck Sierra Miller, dude.
-What?
-OK, who do you think
runs the Startup Olympics?
- I don't know, D Von D?
- No, Sierra Miller.
-And?
-And if you gigolize yourself
to her she might let us in.
How good am I at calling it?
Like predicting,
I don't know, 0 for life?
No, with chicks.
- You're very good!
- I am a savant, OK?
Dude, maybe she's
into some dominatrix shit.
But for sure, she's into you.
OK, say I gigolize her,
I can't believe I'm even
entertaining this idea.
How do we get
into Startup Olympics,
and what do we even win?
OK, last year there was a 500K
bidding war at the after party.
-Yeah, but that's not enough.
-But it might be enough
for Vince to relax terms.
-What do I tell Jeanine?
-Have you met my friend,
Jack Shit?
Dude, she needs to work
on the app so we have
something to flip.
But we can't even
pay her anymore.
We need to save money.
Have you met my secret Vippy?
This is a plan B scenario,
but you might need to go in
through the back door
to get to her front.
I provided you with lube,
two candles, and 30 condoms,
ranging from extra small
to extra large.
That's a joke, obviously,
only extra smalls.
Sex is a possibility,
but don't push it.
See what she's into, maybe feet.
Maybe hands, maybe eyeballs.
I've had a woman like that once,
it was very peculiar.
Dosas, $7.95 each,
$7.95 per dosa.
Dosas, dosas, $7.95.
For you, $3.97, half price,
even rounded down, just for you.
Dosas?
You know, we could
totally debug with this.
The money's really good.
Sweet, where's Raj?
Pounding the proverbial payment,
trying to find a buyer.
Also trying to avoid the bar.
Yeah, not the ideal location.
Mm-hmm.
- Dosa?
- -Hey, how's it going, is it perfect?
Is it perfect?
Um, it's as good as it can be
given the circumstances.
- Great, whatever it takes.
- So, that's how it works?
You know I'm the one who's
putting the most work on this
app, where's my ownership?
You are not legally
responsible for any of this.
Wow, now you're getting legal.
You know what,
we should've never...
Forget it, let me just finish.
Well, well,
look who decided to show up.
- You look absolutely...
- Sit down.
OK.
Got you a decaf. Wasn't sure if
you could handle adult drinks.
Sip it.
Both hands.
Thank you.
Your eyes are ducking beautiful.
Ducking.
Ducking, ducking phone.
What the hell are you talking
about? What do you want?
To get to know you better.
No, you don't.
You want something else.
Come on, skippy, cough it up.
A few months ago we put in
an application for
the Startup Olympics.
Ah, and you want me to what?
Make a special slot for you
and just slide you in?
Put my reputation on the line
for your garbage little app
in the Startup Olympics?
Pathos is just so...
I'm pretty pathetic.
You sure are.
I invested all my
money in this app.
-Hm... Horrible idea.
-Oh, yeah,
I live with my parents.
I knew it when I first saw you.
Sometimes I urinate
sitting down.
- Um, you animal.
- Yes.
Bark like a dog.
Ow!
Louder.
Ow!
Give me more chihuahua.
I need a footstool,
on the ground.
-Sing happy birthday.
- Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday Mr. President
Why would you
sing to the president?
-I don't know, it felt right.
-OK, you know what,
get up, you idiot.
OK, ow!
- That hurt?
- Mm-hmm.
Listen to me,
and listen closely.
I'm gonna put
your little piece of shit app
into the Olympics, huh?
Just so I can watch you
humiliate yourself
in front of everyone
and our global live feed,
which is going all over MyFace.
Yes, all over MyFace.
Expect an email shortly.
I will look for it desperately.
- You disgust me.
- Thank you.
Yes.
Guys, check out the email
I just forwarded you.
We just got
into the Startup Olympics.
Huge accomplishment, baby!
Complimentary dosas
on the house.
Thanks for your generosity,
but I'm a bit busy
compiling your MVP.
But hey, congrats, with Sierra.
Wink.
- Hey, can I talk to you.
- I think my contract is up, right?
Ah.
That's our cue.
What? Guys...
Hey.
Is the coast clear?
Oh, my God, what happened?
He got his ass kicked.
Look, Phil, I just need
60 seconds of your time.
Hey... Yeah, I'm gonna have
to call you back.
Full recovery in a month.
Won't be able to talk until then.
I'm gonna need blink treatment.
One blink is yes, two is no.
Was this Vince?
You know we got
into the Startup Olympics?
Who's gonna present?
Me?
We're screwed.
Connect2U is
the app of connection
in the augmented reality era,
the ARE... So stupid.
Hi, I'm Eric Newman, and what
I'm about to present you with
will change your life.
Connect2U is like an average
app, but we really need
the money because
if we don't get it then I die.
Connect2U is likely the most
preferred method of people
communicating digitally
with each other to express
their mutual appreciation.
Yeah.
Hey, Owl, this is Turtle,
the guy that learns things
really slowly, but does
get it in the end.
Case in point, Crapchat filters.
You like? Learning,
also learning how bad
a communicator I am.
And I'm sorry.
And want to talk to you.
And hope we can talk
about the pitch.
But really just connect
in general
so I can connect to you,
like in real life.
Stop filming me.
Seriously, stop.
- No.
- Stop.
- No, no, no!
- Stop!
That was easy.
Huh, aw...
Shit!
Shit!
Eric.
Small world.
You've come a long way, but you
are hella late, follow me.
Straight through here, come on.
Toss that.
- Come on, they're waiting.
- -Yeah.
Come on, come on, come on.
So, if you need to plug in
your computer, you can
do it by the board
right over there.
All right, come on,
sit down. Let's set you up.
Feel good? All right.
This thing's gonna be on you
full-time, so don't say
anything stupid,
and don't go
to the bathroom, all right?
Hey, man, solidarity.
Fuck the patriarchy.
Is this thing on?
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Startup Olympics!
Woo!
I cannot tell you how exciting
this is for me to do the city
the honor of bringing some
of the best that we have
to offer to the world.
So, some ground rules,
we have four presentations
to four judges
who are the uber blogger
from Apptitude, Sierra Miller.
Lion's Den judge,
Kevin O'Malley.
Child gift unboxer, Karin Ho!
And now, you guys are going
to freak when you hear this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
your fourth judge,
the legend himself,
Dirk Von Dijk!
I'm thrilled, any words
of wisdom before we begin?
Be yourself
and you will always fail,
and that is a good thing.
It sure is.
All right, so just a reminder
that the grand prize today
is $500,000 in equity infusion
from Perkiledge Capital,
yours truly.
Big money, big pressure,
so let the games begin.
First up, FOMO NOMO.
In today's day and age,
it's hard not to feel FOMO,
the fear of missing out.
With FOMO NOMO you can
seamlessly add yourself
into your friends'
and loved ones' experiences.
As dog trainers, we know
teaching dogs where and how
to poop is
of the utmost importance.
But what if we could leverage
the internet of things to know
where that poop was,
when it was happening,
and how to optimize it?
Pupu is the world's first
RFID-driven feces monitoring
platform for dog lovers.
- Pupu, see poo later.
So, the next one,
full disclosure, folks,
these guys spent the last couple
of months in our brand new
Perkiledge-mantor program,
full service mentorship
for man teams in self-
confidence, image, and legal.
So, let's give it up for Tok2Me.
Have you ever been in a caf
and wanted to communicate...
with the people around you?
It's amazing
that in this day and age,
we can know what somebody's
thinking on the other side
of the ocean,
but we can't connect
to the people next to us.
- Talk to me.
Tok2Me lets you communicate...
with the people in your space,
and gather authentic
communication.
That's us in a nutshell.
Feedback?
That's what I like to hear.
Loser.
Before we go to the judges,
we have a late entrant
in this year's competition
through the back door.
His name is Roger Patel,
and his app,
I think it's an app, Connect2U.
You can do this,
you can do this, buddy.
You got it.
Actually, it's not Roger,
it's Raj, but he's not here.
Actually, he is here,
he's in a handicap chair
'cause he's beaten.
He can't talk.
I'll do the talking.
Yeah. Um...
This guy's horrible.
OK, the computer's not working.
He's horrible.
OK, uh, I'm Eric.
I'm...
I'm Eric Newman.
I'm Eric Newman.
I'm Eric.
I'm Eric.
I'm Eric Newman.
I'm a failed analyst,
entrepreneur and musician.
But actually, I'm a fraud.
I'm trying to fit myself into
a box that I can't fit into, OK?
I'm under stupid pressure
to raise
a stupid amount of money
for really stupid ideas, OK?
Ideas that are like, not like
based on love or interest
or passion,
but, this is so stupid,
they're based on being
a billionaire, OK?
Billi Club,
as you like to call it.
It's not about you,
it's all about myself.
It's all about validating myself
and finding a place for me.
That's the whole thing
about this whole tech-ish world.
It's all these promises
of finding solutions
for your lives
and improving your lives.
Here's the thing.
It's bullshit, it's bullshit.
The whole thing is bullshit, OK?
I have sacrificed my time,
my money, my relationships
on complete bullshit.
I literally prostituted myself.
I could give you the pitch for
the app, but it was just done
so beautifully
by Jerkovsky over there,
who actually just stole
the idea together with the host
of this whole presentation.
But the truth is, I don't know,
maybe I got the idea from them.
I mean, does it really matter?
Like a lot of people have
the same good ideas.
Ultimately, do you have
the power to push through
all this bullshit?
And I guess the point is,
I'm coming to realize
that I don't.
You know, I wish instead
of this bullshit app,
I had just spent the time
to connect with actual people.
Like wouldn't that have been
smarter and simpler,
like really talking to girls?
Ask yourself,
is this really what you want
to do with your life?
You're running a dog shit
company, and you want to insert
yourself into pictures
with people who don't want you
there in the first place.
Look...
I don't have that much time left
on this stage
- or on this planet.
- Oh, my God, he's terminal.
But what I would've
done was just,
I should've just been honest.
I should've just done
this earlier.
And then that way I really
could have connected to you.
It's Pornknob.
Oh.
OK, let's be honest,
this is no filter.
This is my screen
from last night.
That's me putting up my
ShitKicker campaign
for my music.
That's really what I want to do.
It's crap music, no one's
ever gonna listen to it.
It doesn't matter,
it's what I love.
It's like Jeanine said,
that's where my heart is.
That's where my heart is.
Oh, yeah, and Pornknob.
So, let's be honest,
I was looking
at pornography last night.
But you know what?
By show of hands,
how many people here
were looking at pornography
between the hours of midnight
and five a.m. last night, huh?
Yes. See, can we just be
honest, can we, yes!
Yes,
that's what I'm talking about.
This is it,
this is radical honesty, people.
This is awesome, come on,
people, we can connect,
feel, be honest.
Connection, that's what I'm
talking about, people, yes!
Connect, you can connect!
That's why we will Connect2U!
Yeah!
Hey, hey, do you do
weddings, bar mitzvahs?
OK, we're gonna let
our judges mingle,
and we'll be back
with the grand prize
winner in one minute.
That was amazing.
Uh, you just saved my life
for five minutes.
You did that.
Look, I have to tell the truth.
You're in deep shit,
I know, Vipin told me.
Look, you'll find
a way out of this, OK?
Ladies and gentlemen, we're
ready to announce the grand
prize winner
of this year's Startup Olympics.
Drum roll.
Tok2Me!
Tok2Me, people!
- Yeah!
- Yes, you can clap.
And some bonus news.
Dirk Von Dyke has offered
to match our equity contribution
to the tune of a grand
prize of one million dollars
in equity funding for Tok2Me.
Thank you so much everyone
for making this day so special.
PerkiledgeCapital.com.
God, shit, shit, stupid
wheelchair access.
Gentlemen, this is my father.
Gentlemen, Vin tells me
that you won everybody
over with your speech, congrats.
But you didn't win.
Am I correct in thinking
that you can't do good
on your loan today?
That's correct, sir.
Vito, I'm the financier.
Vince, I'm trying
to teach him the business,
he's my gadgets guy.
I don't understand
how I'm gonna make money
on that app.
What I do know is your father
owns the building next door.
I'd like to finally
get my hands on it.
Vince, this is a secured loan.
You don't lend money
to people with no credit.
Always back it up
with an asset, huh?
And that's why I wanted
you personally to come here
and explain to me how,
if not that way,
am I gonna make
a lot of money on this
incredible invention of yours.
So, elevator pitch, no pressure.
Connect2U
is the app of connection
- in the augmented reality era.
- - He has no idea what he wants to do.
You're CEO, hustle, playa.
I did not sell it, it was a loan.
I thought this was a convertible loan.
Convertible loan, convertible loan.
Two words, convertible loan.
I'm gonna level with you, Vito.
This is not
an incredible invention.
This is an app like
millions of others.
Some of them are successes,
most don't even come close.
Odds are this isn't going
to be downloaded by more
than 100 people.
But let me tell you
why we're going
to strike a deal right now
and we're going
to walk out of here
the same way we walked in.
You're not going
to get your investment
back from Connect2U,
but what you will get
is the ultimate front.
You're taking money
from your core business,
and you're investing it
into your tech venture.
Forgive the loan,
take the company,
and enjoy the losses
for years to come.
Me, I want a write-off
that brings in cash.
How's you're app going
to bring cash, huh?
You like cash?
How about geocache?
We built an app
that allows people
to go on anonymous
scavenger hunts.
That means pick-ups
and drop-offs untraceable,
and you can exchange virtual
currency on the platform.
This is called geocaching.
That's what I've been
talking about, Pa.
Think about what we
can use this for.
It's like having our own
private phone company.
Untraceable pick-ups
and drop-offs.
For my dumbest kid
you're a freakin' genius.
Moah! Bello di Papa.
It's a pleasure to see the three
of you do crime together,
and in your own generation.
Gentlemen, a pleasure.
I assume you understand
the non-disclosure agreement.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
That was a pretty good show
tonight. Your mother
showed me your video.
I didn't know you could
speak like that, it was good.
You've got balls, Son.
Thanks, Dad.
Wait, what video?
You're a star,
it's a virus video.
Yeah. Hey, Vipin, can you get
some more SEO juice on awkward?
Can't wait to see how
much he can boost this.
That's what she had said.
You just hit 300K.
Awesome.
Well, it's about time.
- Oh.
Yay!