ASH: My name is Ash,
and I am a sIave.
(WHIP CRACKING)
(GROANING)
CIose as I can figure it,
the year is 1300 A.D.,
and I'm being dragged
to my death.
It wasn't aIways Iike this.
I had a reaI Iife once.
A job.
WOMAN ON PA:
Ash to price check four.
Hardware, aisle 12.
Shop smart. Shop S-mart.
I had a wonderfuI
girIfriend, Linda.
Together, we drove to a smaII
cabin in the mountains.
It seems an archaeoIogist
had come to this remote pIace
to transIate and study
his Iatest find,
Necronomicon Ex Mortis,
The Book of the Dead.
Bound in human fIesh
and inked in bIood,
this ancient Sumerian text
contained bizarre
buriaI rites,
funerary incantations and
demon resurrection passages.
It was never meant
for the worId of the Iiving.
The book awoke something dark
in the woods.
It took Linda.
And then it came for me.
(SCREAMS)
It got into my hand
and it went bad.
So I Iopped it off
at the wrist.
(CHAIN SAW WHIRRING)
But that didn't stop it.
It came back.
Big time.
My God!
How do you stop it?
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
SOLDIER:
Surround the stranger!
(HORSES WHINNYING)
SOLDIER:
All right, you men, fall in!
All o' ya, keep apace!
Where in the hell...
(SOLDIERS SHOUTING)
SOLDIER:
Stand fast, hellhound!
No, no. Easy now, chief.
I don't know how I got here,
and I'm not looking
for any trouble.
SOLDIER:
What a piece of armor this is!
Wise man!
Fall back! Come on,
all you men. Back on
your horses. Come on!
My lord, I believe he
is the one written of
in the Necronomicon.
He who's prophesied to fall
from the heavens
and deliver us from
the terrors of the Deadites.
ARTHUR: What, that buffoon?
Likely,
he's one of Henry's men!
Kneel, rapscallions!
I say to the pit with him!
GUARD: You shall soon learn
the horrors of the pit.
To the pit!
You miserable bast...
(GRUNTING)
Get him!
Get off of me!
Let me go!
SOLDIER: Chain him!
SOLDIER: You're gonna have
a little bit of wee fun, mate.
ARTHUR: To the castle!
SOLDIER: Pick up your feet!
Stop draggin' your feet!
Come on! Move along!
Come on, now.
Come on, pick it up.
Have a taste of this!
(WHIP CRACKING)
(GRUNTING)
GUARD: You men got something
to look forward to,
when you get back
to the castle.
SENTRY:
Lord Arthur approaches!
Raise the portcullis!
Lord Arthur!
Lord Arthur approaches!
GUARD: That's lovely,
isn't it? Move it in.
Move it, you worthless...
Get on!
(PEOPLE JEERING)
MAN: Move it up, boys.
MAN 2: God save the king!
God save the king.
We love him!
MAN 3: Arthur! He's back!
Lord Arthur,
where is my brother?
Did he not ride with you?
Aye, and fought valiantly.
But last night he fell
in battle to Duke Henry's men.
I'm sorry, Sheila.
Come on.
ASH: You cretin!
Stop it, you bastard!
(YELLING)
You barbarian!
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
Oh, no! Stop it! Stop it!
Get outta here,
you little brat!
Foul thing!
A pox on you, brute!
Thou art a murderer!
A black murderer!
(HAIR TEARING)
My brother's death
shall be avenged!
SOLDIER: Company, halt!
SOLDIER 2:
Get that yoke off 'im!
Kill them!
WOMAN: Put them into the pit!
MAN: You, sir, are not one
of my vassals.
Who are you?
Who wants to know?
I am Henry the Red,
Duke of Shael,
Lord of the Northlands
and leader of its peoples.
Well, hello, Mr. Fancy Pants.
I got news for you, pal.
You ain't leadin'
but two things right now,
Jack and shit,
and Jack left town.
GUARD:
Shut your bleedin' hole!
HERALD:
Gentlemen, Lord Arthur!
There is an evil
awakened in this land,
and while my people fight
for their very souls
against it,
you, Henry the Red,
wage war on us!
Charlatan!
It was you who first turned
your swords on us!
And this evil has befouled
my people as well!
Your people are no better
than the foul corruption
that lies in the bowels
of that pit.
SOLDIER:
Right, you're no better.
ARTHUR: May God have mercy
upon your souls.
God's name! What hell-spawned
thing lurks there?
Into the pit with those
bloodthirsty sons of 'hores!
No! No!
No, no!
(SCREAMING)
(WATER SPLASHING)
(MAN SCREAMING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Oh! Heavenly God!
MAN: He's escaping!
SOLDIER: Hold to!
SOLDIER 2: Hold him!
MAN: Who's next?
MAN 2: It's him.
Aye, he trembles!
MAN 3: They don't look
so clever now, do they?
MAN 4: He's frightened!
He's frightened white!
Whoa! Whoa!
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Wait a minute.
You gotta understand, man.
I never even saw
these assholes before.
MAN: Get him in there!
MAN 2: He trembles!
MAN 3: He's begging!
MAN 4:
What are you waitin' for?
Henry!
You gotta tell him
you don't know me.
We never met. Tell him.
I do not think
he'll listen, lad.
Look.
I'm tellin' you,
you got the wrong guy.
(GROANING)
I'm tellin' you,
you got the wrong guy.
(SCREAMING)
How do you like the pit?
Isn't the pit wonderful?
Why, you...
Spikes.
Hey! He says, "Spikes."
Give him spikes!
Make way! Strange one!
(SCREAMING)
Strange one!
(SCREAMING)
Yes!
(CHAIN SAW WHIRRING)
Damn you. Damn you!
(GROWLING)
(GROWLING)
(TEARING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
You know, your shoelace
is untied.
All right.
Who wants some?
Who's next, huh?
How 'bout it?
Who wants some, huh?
Who wants to have a little?
You. You want some more?
Huh?
You want a little?
Do ya? Do ya?
Do ya want some more?
Huh? Huh?
Now get on those horses
and get outta here.
Let 'em go!
Halt!
Thank you, generous hosts!
ARTHUR: Sword boy!
For that arrogance,
I shall see you dead.
(GUN FIRING)
Yeah.
All right, you primitive
screw heads, listen up.
See this?
This is my boom stick!
It's a 12-gauge,
double-barreled Remington.
S-mart's top of the line.
You can find this in the
sporting goods department.
That's right. This sweet baby
was made in Grand Rapids,
Michigan.
Retails for about $109.95.
It's got a walnut stock,
cobalt blue steel
and a hair trigger.
That's right, shop smart.
Shop S-mart. You got that?
WOMAN: Yes, sir. Right.
WOMAN 2: Yes, sir.
Now I swear,
the next one of you primates
even touches me...
(YELLING)
(GROWLING)
(BELLOWING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Now, let's talk about
how I get back home.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
(BURPING)
I prithee to
forgive me, m'lord.
I believed thee
one of Henry's men.
First you wanna kill me,
now you wanna kiss me.
Blow.
(DOOR OPENING)
So what's the deal?
Can you send me back or not?
Only the Necronomicon
has the power.
An unholy book
which we also require.
Within its pages are passages
that can send you back
to your time.
Only you, The Promised One,
can quest for it.
I don't want your book.
I don't want your bullshit.
Just send me back
to my own time.
Pronto, today, chop...
(WATER SPLASHING)
You shall die!
(GRUNTING)
(CACKLING)
You shall never obtain
the Necronomicon!
We shall feast
upon your souls!
It's a trick. Get an ax.
(SCREAMING)
ARTHUR: Guards, stop it!
MAN: Catch the witch!
MAN 2: Death to the witch!
WITCH: Have some porridge!
My eyes! I'm blind!
Oh, God, I'm blind!
No, don't!
Yo, she-bitch.
Let's go.
Ya-hoo.
If the Necronomicon fell into
the hands of the Deadites,
all mankind will be
consumed by this evil.
Now will thou quest
for the book?
ASH: That one.
(BOTH GASP)
Groovy.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
What's the matter?
You raised in a barn?
Shut the door.
Probably was raised in a barn
with all the other primitives.
The wise men say that thou art
The Promised One.
'Tis said that
thou wilt journey for
the book to help us,
and that thou wilt lead
our people against the evil.
The only reason I'm going to
get the book is to get home.
I believe that thou wilt
be leaving in the morning.
Don't touch that, please.
Your primitive intellect
wouldn't understand
alloys and compositions
and things with
molecular structures in the...
What are you doin'
here anyway?
I wanted to say
that all of my,
all of my hopes
and prayers go with you,
and I made this for thee.
Good, I could use
a horse blanket.
Give me some sugar, baby.
ASH: Come on, boy!
Steady now. Whoa.
What? What is it?
This path will lead you
to an unholy place.
A cemetery. There,
the Necronomicon awaits.
When thou retrievest the book
from its cradle,
you must recite the words,
"KIaatu barada nikto."
KIaatu barada nikto. Okay.
Well, repeat them.
KIaatu barada nikto.
Again!
I got it, I got it! I know
your damn words, all right?
Now you get this straight,
the both of you.
If I get that book,
you send me back.
After that, I'm history.
(HORSE WHINNYING)
ASH: What is it, boy?
Come on!
Come on!
(SCREAMING)
Come on!
Come on, you!
(SCREAMING)
(BANGING)
(CACKLING)
Hey, let's scare
this guy good! Come on.
Ramming speed!
MAN: Ready, aim, fire!
Get away!
Whoa!
Oh, God! Oh, no!
Oh...
Oh!
You lousy little...
MAN: Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, my!
(SCREAMS)
Lift up!
(SIZZLING)
Whoa!
(SINGING)
London Bridge is faIIing down
FaIIing down
FaIIing down
(GASPS)
My fair Iady
Is he up? How is he?
Hey, he's gettin' up.
What a horrible nightmare.
Wait a minute. Oh, God!
I can't move!
(SCREAMING)
And go!
Open wide.
Geronimo!
Hooray!
Hooray!
(CHOCKING)
Okay, little fellow. How about
some hot chocolate, huh?
(MAN SCREAMING)
How'd you like
the taste of that, huh?
How'd you like the ta...
(GRUNTING)
MAN: (MUFFLED) Let me out!
Oh, dear God,
it's growing bigger!
(HOWLING)
I'm blind. I'm blind.
Yip, yip!
Oh, hey!
Where are you takin' me?
What are you?
Are you me?
I'm bad Ash,
and you're good Ash.
You're goody little two-shoes.
(SINGING)
You're goody IittIe two-shoes
Goody IittIe two-shoes
LittIe goody two-shoes
LittIe goody two-shoes
LittIe goody two-shoes
LittIe goody two-shoes
LittIe goody two-shoes
(HORN BLOWING)
LittIe goody two-shoes
Good, bad.
I'm the guy with the gun.
That'll teach you.
Yeah, that'll teach you.
You shall never retrieve
the Necronomicon!
You'll die in the graveyard
before you get it!
Hey...
What's that you got
on your face?
Huh?
I'll come back for you!
Come on, boy!
Three books?
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Nobody said anything
about three books.
Like, what am I
supposed to do?
Take one book,
or all books, or, or what?
Well.
(ASH YELLING)
Whoa. Wrong book.
(SCREAMING)
You!
I'll get back to you.
Well,
seems fairly obvious.
Wait a minute, the words.
All right, all right,
all right.
Say the words.
KIaatu barada...
Iu...
Necktie.
Nectar, nickel.
Noodle. It's an "N" word.
It's definitely an "N" word.
It's definitely an "N" word.
(COUGHING)
KIaatu barada n...
Okay, then.
That's it.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Hey. Wait a minute.
Everything's cool.
I said the words. I did!
No, wait! Oh!
You people, seek cover!
To the parapet!
Seek your children!
(HORSES WHINNYING)
Steady the horses!
Something's wrong.
Something's amiss.
(SCREAMING)
Where'd you go?
Where'd you g...
Oh! I'll crush ya!
I'll mash ya into paste,
you bony cre...
I'm through being their
garbage boy. I did my part.
Now I want back,
like in the deal.
I
live
again.
There! The Promised One!
The Promised One's returned!
SENTRY: Raise the portcullis!
Welcome home!
MAN: We're saved!
WOMAN: The Necronomicon!
MAN: Truly he is
The Promised One!
MAN 2:
He's brought the Necronomicon!
How are ya?
He's brought the book!
Yeah, great, great.
Good boy!
Get the fuck outta my face!
The Necronomicon, quickly.
Did you bring
the Necronomicon?
Yeah, it's, it's just that...
Just what?
Nothin'. Here.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
Now send me back.
Like in the deal.
When you removed the
Necronomicon from the cradle,
did you speak the words?
Yeah, basically.
Did you speak the exact words?
Look, maybe I didn't say every
single, little tiny syllable,
no, but basically
I said 'em, yeah.
Dung-eating fool!
Thou hast doomed us all!
When thou misspoke the words,
the army of the dead awoke!
Now, whoa, whoa,
right there, spinach chin.
You said you could
clean this mess up
once you got that book.
You said there was a passage
that could get rid of this
thing and send me back.
It's true,
the book still possesses
the power to send you back,
but to us it is useless!
The evil has a terrible hunger
for the Necronomicon,
and it will come here
to get it.
We had a deal.
You wanted the damn book,
I got it for ya.
I did my part,
now you send me back.
ARTHUR: Very well.
As we are men of our word,
we shall honor our bargain.
The wise men shall return you
to your own time.
Yeah?
MAN: I thought he was the one.
Yeah, right.
'Cause that was the deal.
So when do you think we can
start with all the thing
and the...
WOMAN: He's nothin'
but a traitor, he is!
When do you think we can start
with all the
ceremony and...
Wretched excuse for a man!
The wise men were fools
to trust in you.
SOLDIER:
I knew he couldn't be trusted.
MAN: We put our trust in him.
I still believe that
thou wilt help us.
Oh, Sheila, don't you get it?
It's over.
I didn't have what it took.
So long.
But what of the things
that we've shared?
What of all the sweet words
that you spoke in private?
Oh, well...
Well, that's just what
we call "pillow talk," baby.
That's all.
It was more than that.
I still have faith in thee.
I still believe that
thou wilt stay and save us.
I...
(SOBS)
Coward!
(SQUAWKING)
SENTRY: Look there! A demon!
Ash! Help me!
Sheila!
Shoot the bloody thing!
Hold your arms!
You'll hit the girl!
Me sword!
Damn you!
Dig, damn you!
Dig faster!
I shall command every
worm-infested son of a bitch
that ever died in battle!
Thank you, sir!
You there, handsomely now.
Aye, my liege.
We shall storm their castle
and get my book!
Hoist, you damnable varlets!
(COUGHING)
Welcome back to the land
of the living.
Now pick up a shovel
and get digging!
Bring on the wench!
Gimme me some sugar, baby.
(SCREAMING)
Well.
Now, ain't you
a sweet little thing?
Don't touch me,
you foul thing!
Come on.
That's it.
We got plans for you,
girly-girl. Move!
Have you lost your bones,
you decomposed gobs?
Get thee hence!
(SCREAMING)
A scout approaches!
Whoa!
Hey, get his horse.
Arise.
My lord, an army of the dead
gather in the wilderness.
They approach the castle.
How far from here?
But two days' ride.
These winged ones
are only the first of them.
Perhaps we should leave
as soon as possible.
We could be safe
in the mountains.
Yes, the mountains.
We must flee!
It is written.
It has been foretold.
They'll take our souls.
I'm afraid!
They'll swallow our souls.
I don't want to die!
(GUNSHOT)
That's it.
Go ahead and run.
Run home and cry to mama!
Me?
I'm through runnin'!
I say we stay here
and fight it out.
Are all men from the future
loudmouthed braggarts?
Nope.
Just me, baby. Just me.
How will we fight an army
of the dead
at our castle walls?
How will you fight that?
More words?
Most of our people
have already fled.
We are but 0 men.
Then we'll get Henry the Red
and his men to fight with us.
Now,
who's with me?
I'll stand by ya.
You can count on my steel.
SOLDIER:
I'll offer up my courage.
Me sword's by his side.
SOLDIER 2: I'm with you!
I'll bend my bow
to your will, sir.
SOLDIER 3: And mine!
(ALL SHOUTING)
SOLDIER 4: We'll stay!
ALL: Hail! Hail!
Hail! Hail!
Hail!
Hail!
Hail!
Well, my dear,
say hello to the boys.
(MEN MURMURING)
MAN: There's a sight
for sore bones.
I may be bad,
but I feel...good.
Who rules?
MAN: To you, my lord.
MAN 2: You, sir.
MAN 3: To the castle.
ALL: The castle!
Hurry up now.
The castle! Let's push.
MAN: Heave-ho.
MAN 2: Good. Yeah.
(GRUNTING)
Yeah!
(HORSE WHINNYING)
MAN: They're coming!
The Deadites approach!
(ALL SHOUTING)
ASH:
There's so damn many of 'em.
Maybe...
Just maybe my boys can stop
'em from gettin' the book.
Yeah.
And maybe I'm a Chinese
jet pilot.
(PLAYING FLUTE)
(BUGLE PLAYING)
Battle stations!
All right, get those rocks up,
mister, on the double!
Ready the catapults!
By God,
let's give 'em what for.
SOLDIER: And halt!
SOLDIER 2:Company, halt!
SOLDIER 3: Company, halt!
I'll rip his balls off.
(HISSING)
Bring forth the scout!
Whoa.
My lord, we are positioned
on both fronts.
Fine, fine, fine. Where are
they keeping my book?
There, my lord,
beyond the wall.
The parapet. That would
be the most likely place.
Right.
Bring me forth
into that castle!
Forward!
SOLDIER: Forward!
Cry havoc and let loose
the dogs of war!
To the castle!
SOLDIER: Fly, mate! Fly!
SOLDIER 2:
Death to the mortals!
Arrows.
Torch boy!
Steady.
Fire!
Advance, you beasts, advance!
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Yeah, baby!
All right!
Sire, there's a second
division approaching
from the south.
Ram the gates!
Catapults.
Catapults out!
Yeah!
Fire!
SOLDIER: Look there!
Yeah!
SOLDIER: Seek cover!
SOLDIER 2: Watch out!
SOLDIER 3: Make way!
Oh, you miserable
bags of bones!
Pick yourselves
up and sally fo...
Sally for...
Sally forth.
Come on,
you miserable wretches.
Lower.
Heave!
Forward!
Buttress the door, now!
Hold fast!
Back!
Stone these creatures!
Damn you!
That's got to hurt.
Go, you creatures! Arrows!
Load!
Fire!
Heave! Put your backbones
into it.
We've broken through!
The castle is ours!
(WHOOPING)
(LAUGHING)
Kill the mortals!
Get it achieved and fast!
SOLDIER: Their ranks
are broken! Have at them!
(ALL GRUNTING)
Pull back! Man the parapet!
Protect the book.
God save us all.
Say hello to the 21st century.
Yeah!
Come on! I got plenty
for everybody!
Look out!
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Bye-bye.
It's the one in the cart
we want! Get him!
Sheila?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
We've secured
the courtyard, my lord.
Excellent.
Oh! Hey! Look out!
Hey, you're mine, sweetie.
Get off of her!
Gotcha!
SOLDIER: Damn you!
My lord.
Stay with the book.
The book's where we are.
The Red! The Red! Duke Henry
and his men have come!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Blows, blood
and death!
Duke Henry!
Die!
HENRY:
Onward, valiant cousins!
Their ranks are broke!
Oops!
Hello!
There you go.
The book is mine.
(LAUGHING)
I'll cut your gizzard out.
Hey, where'd he go?
Come to papa.
Get him!
Oh, you crazy bitch,
get off of me!
Right.
You found me beautiful once.
Honey, you got real ugly.
There we are.
So you wanna play rough, eh?
Okay.
Oh.
All right, all right.
Prepare to die!
You're going down!
I'm going up.
I'm coming for you.
Come on!
Oops. Excuse me.
Come on.
All right!
You're pissing me off,
you ugly son of a bitch!
I'll spoil those good looks.
Back-stabber!
Hold still!
Tallyho!
(SCREAMING)
(CACKLING)
We can't hold the battlements!
We will hold!
We must protect the book!
(GROWLING)
I got a bone to pick with you.
Come on.
Slice that gizzard open.
Now you're mine.
(EXCLAIMING)
(SCREAMING)
At last, the book.
I possess the Necronomicon.
I've crushed
your pathetic army.
Now I'll have my vengeance.
Buckle up, bonehead, 'cause
you're goin' for a ride.
Huh?
(SCREAMING)
SOLDIER: Victory's ours!
(ALL CHEERING)
Retreat! Retreat!
Let's get the hell
out of here!
HENRY: Tricky ones, they are.
MAN:
If it's a fight you want...
ARTHUR: Watch 'em, lads.
They're an untrustworthy lot.
(SWORDS SWISHING)
Move yourself, lad!
Your hand, man.
Hey, Henry.
Godspeed!
Yeah, nice going.
My lady.
Arthur.
Well won, my friend.
We've won the day.
Yeah!
Yeah!
We're brothers and a new
kingdom shall be born!
The book tells us that
once you drink this liquid
and recite the words,
"KIaatu barada nikto,"
thou shalt awaken
in thine own time.
Remember, you must
recite the words exactly.
I thought about staying.
They offered me
the chance to lead them,
to teach them, to be king.
Ah-ha.
But my place is here.
So I swallowed the juice,
said the words and here I am.
Did you say the words
right this time?
Well, maybe
I didn't say every single,
tiny little syllable, no,
but basically
I said 'em, yeah.
Basically.
You know that story about
how you could've been king?
I think it's kind of cute.
Yeah.
(SCREAMING)
Die!
Lady, I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave the store.
Who the hell are you?
Name's Ash.
Housewares.
I'll swallow your soul.
Come get some.
ASH: Sure, I couId've
stayed in the past.
CouId've even been king.
But in my own way,
I am king.
Hail to the king, baby.