All new planes...
Congratulation Mr. Avery.
You're in the system, you're
good to go, so by next week.
I can't come next week,
I have a business prospects elsewhere.
Oh, good for you, sir. Are you
going to go work at another FedEx?
Should go to window seven...
In here.
Is everything ready?
It's $3,000, as discussed.
The exact name you asked for.
It's not a real...
I mean, these numbers belong
to a real human being?
Arthur J. Newman, born
Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1964.
Died Visalia, California,
A real human being.
Good luck, Mr. Newman.
I already did the mustard.
By the way, did I mention I'm
going camping this weekend?
Talbot Island State Park.
well, it's right on the beach,
about 16 miles from
Jacksonville proper.
No, you didn't.
Well, it was more or less a
spur of the moment decision.
You see, I was thinking what
is the most economical
vacation that I...
that we could take...
on my limited budget and, well,
it dawned on me I used
to be a Boy Scout leader,
and I had a tent, and a
sleeping bad, and...
well, actually, I didn't think
you'd want to come, what with
the sand, sea creatures, and...
like I said, it was more
or less a spur
of the moment decision.
Thanks for the hot dog, Wallace.
I got to go back to work.
This is Arthur J. Newman calling
in reference to the
380SL convertible I'll be
purchasing tomorrow.
I was hoping I could
come in at...
at 9 AM instead.
I have an important
business meeting
tomorrow, and I was hoping...
No problem.
I'll see you at noon.
Thank you very much.
Hey.
We saw you spying on
us again last night.
I just came by to say I was
going to Talbot Island State
Park today.
Campground on a beach near,
uh, Jacksonville.
Anyway, I brought you a gift.
Just 'cause, uh...
Hey, I'm Arthur Newman.
Uh, how's it going?
How's life treatin' you, friend?
I'm Arthur Newman!
Hey, there!
Yep.
Yep, it's Arthur New...
Yep, it's Arthur Newman.
That's me.
I don't have a permanent
address yet, friend, but as
soon as I get one, I'll
mail it to you so
your form is complete.
Good.
Excuse me.
I do not choose to partake
of pornography, sir.
This is an extremely
inappropriate subject matter
for public venue.
OK.
Get out of the car, miss!
You stole my car, you
fuckin' crazy bitch!
We're going to have to get you out
of there, now!
Whoa!
God!
I know my rights!
I have a college education!
Uh!
Uh oh, here's trouble.
Just call your wife, see if
she wants her car back!
I just borrowed it!
Show's over.
Everybody go home.
Yeah.
My ex-husband.
Actually, spying.
You know what's crazy?
When we were married, he avoided
Kevin like the plague.
Well, and now...
it's a strange way to
feel connected.
You know what's so
sad about it?
He was kind of great once.
Good times!
Yeah, good times!
I want to have some good times!
I like 'em fat, I like 'em tall,
I like them stubby, I
like them all.
I like them stubby.
Hello?
Are you OK?
Show's over.
Go home.
Um...
Don't touch me.
OK.
You need to see a doctor.
Don't touch me.
I'm going to try
to help you, OK?
I won't touch you.
I won't use my hands.
You lift your arms up, like this, up.
Put your arm around my neck.
That way I can life you up
using my own body weight.
No contact whatsoever
with my hands.
Can you do that?
Put your arm around my neck.
OK?
There, good job.
No hands.
OK, now, give me your...
give me your other arm.
OK, ready?
I can feel your hand.
My name is Arthur Newman.
Arthur J. Newman.
Driver's license, Social
Security, any form of ID.
Are you Michaela Fitzgerald?
They need to know your name.
Are you Mic... are you Michaela
Fitzgerald without peroxide?
Call me Mike.
How's life treating you?
No complaints.
Yeah, that's what
we like to hear.
Hey, just out of curiosity, did
you happen to hear about a
car theft around here
this evening?
Woman allegedly stole a Chevy?
You just admitted the gal.
Actually, I...
I'm just going a good deed.
I don't know her.
The guy with the Chevy didn't
know her either.
Picked her up at the Beach
Comber, took her
Had to drop the charges when the
old Mustang Sally fixed to
call his wife from jail.
Mr. Arthur Newman?
Overdosed on what?
It's a morphine-based cough
syrup, very powerful narcotic.
She drank two bottles of it.
When I asked her why, she said
she had a bad cough.
We're cleaning her our with
an intravenous feed.
She should be fine
in the morning.
Cough syrup?
She's in there.
Hey now, don't you look
sharp as a tack?
In case you don't remember,
I'm Arthur.
I brought you here.
Did I have sex with you?
No.
Absolutely not.
Anyway, I just can't buy to...
Don't leave me alone.
...how you were getting along.
Stay here with me.
And then take me with
you in the morning
when the sun is shining.
Please?
OK, OK.
I'll stay.
For a while.
I'm not asleep yet.
Hello, Mike.
Well, maybe you don't
remember me.
I'm Arthur.
Arthur J. Newman.
And I...
I saved you.
Well, I...
I helped you.
You said you'd stay.
You left.
Where would you like
me to take you?
Should I put the top up?
No.
Would you like a hot
dog or nachos?
No.
OK.
Forgot something.
Is that where you
hide your money?
I'm not hiding anything, Mike.
Arthur?
Yes, Mike?
What's your story?
My story?
What kind of a human being am I?
I mean, what's your story.
I'm a golf pro.
You mean...
you're no Tiger Woods.
Actually, Mike, I've won
quite a few prestigious
But to tell you the truth, life
on the road is wearing me
down, so I'm taking a gig.
Resident pro at a course in
Terre Haute, Indiana.
Were are you going, anyway?
I don't know.
Would you like a ride
to Terre Haute?
No, I wouldn't.
Where are the real hot dogs?
Um, we don't have
them anymore.
Just the tofu dogs.
How is that possible?
Not all of us want the
healthy alternative.
Look, Mike, tofu dogs.
Because I choose to be
health-conscious.
I got you a small token.
Thank you, Wallace.
I love alligators.
It's my pleasure.
What did you call me?
Wallace.
Wallace Avery, right?
I found it in the side pocket
of your golf bag.
The trunk was locked.
I locked it.
I used to work at Lock & Key.
I was really good.
You know, on second thought,
I think I will ride to Terre Haute with you.
Payments.
Yes, this is Ms. Mina Crawley.
Yes, I do know a Mr. Wallace
Avery, and you can tell him
that I took the bus to
work this morning.
Park what?
What are you saying to me?
Look, so you're phony.
What's the big deal?
One-way ticket to Durham,
North Carolina, please.
I saw it in your driver's license.
That's... that's not my...
look, I hate Durham!
Does the lady want
her ticket or not?
I reject the ticket!
Get your hands off me!
I reject the ticket!
I feel dizzy.
You're fine!
My hands are numb.
I got a sick man here.
Is anybody a doctor?
Wait, wait.
Hang on here, now.
He just started convulsing
or something.
Who can help him?
Someone's got to help him.
Uh, I...
I can't, um...
I don't know how
to... somebody!
Thanks for trying.
Who is he?
John Doe.
Can't find an ID on him.
Poor guy.
What a way to go.
Well, thanks for
trying, anyways.
What is wrong with you?
Poor John Doe, what a way to go,
poor John Doe.
It's not funny.
Oh, please don't make me get
on that bus, Wallace.
That was a very funny
joke, Wallace.
Getting lost on Talbot Island.
Ha ha ha.
Wallace?
You can come out now.
I can't sleep in my room.
What are you doing?
See my glasses?
I thought I left...
I thought I left them...
No.
His hands were all calloused.
Especially his left hand,
around the wedding ring.
How do you know that?
Because I held his hand.
By the way, that was very
kind of you, Mike.
Same guy.
Wallace Avery.
How's life treatin' you?
Keep the change.
Who are you?
I mean, really?
I guess I've always
been Arthur Newman.
Wife just forced another
individual on me.
Wallace Avery was
such a nothing?
Actually, Mike, Wallace Avery
was manager of a large,
multinational corporation.
What, like Blackwater
or evil empire...
No, Federal Express.
Well, I ran a branch in Orlando.
Well, I was floor manager.
Oh, Jesus!
No wonder you want to
be Arthur Newman.
Why the gold angle?
I just happen to be a
very good golfer.
Last spring at Diamondback
Golf Club, I observed a
gentleman taking
practice shots.
He had some serious issues with
his swing, and I offered
him some, quite frankly,
valuable advise.
And the next thing I know, this
gentleman grabs me on the
16th fairway and he says,
"Sir, you are a godsend.
I'm shooting like my old self
again. " And he tells me he
owns a private golf club in
Terre Haute, Indiana, and I am
welcome there any time.
Well, that moment, Mike,
I had an epiphany.
"Sir," I said,
"My name is Arthur Newman. "
It just popped out of my mouth.
"And I have recently returned
stateside after 15 years
abroad on Asian tours,"
and did he need a teaching
pro, I asked him.
He shook my hand, and
he said, "Arthur,
consider yourself hired.
I'll see you in Terre
Haute next summer. "
So you just ditched Wallace
Avery for a total stranger's
half-baked promise?
How very good are you?
See that tractor?
I'm going to hit it.
Huh!
Cool!
See the truck?
Oh!
Can I ask you a personal question?
I don't know, can you?
Where you going to
go after we get to
Terre Haute?
I don't know.
I guess...
Don't you have a place?
You know, a...
A, I a home owner?
Don't you have,
you know, a family?
No, not really.
No dad?
No.
Mom?
Killed herself.
I'm so sorry.
You have siblings?
I have a twin sister in
a loony bin, Arthur.
I put her there for the fourth
time right before I met you.
So you see, I really don't
have that much family.
Twin sister?
As an identical twin sister?
Good night, Arthur.
By any chance, does your twin
sister have short, blond hair?
Lives in Durham, and you're
carrying her driver's license?
You really think you're the
only person walking around
with someone else's ID?
How is this possible?
I mean, you both...
we're both...
is this why you agreed
to come with me?
Look, don't think this makes
us any closer, OK?
So...
Who are you?
what's your name?
Hey...
so sorry.
My questions upset you, Mike?
My name is Charlotte.
Kevin, over here!
Watch me!
Over here!
Watch me!
Fuck off, Jamie!
Nice trip, dumb ass!
There's someone here who'd like
to speak with you about
your father.
This is Mina Crawley.
She is a friend of Wallace's.
I'm a dear, dear friend
of your dad's.
He... he spoke so much about you.
It's a genuine pleasure to...
you do resemble him here.
Your father went camping
five days ago
and he hasn't returned.
At Talbot State Park at, um...
at the ocean.
The Atlantic Ocean.
The police are searching for
him, but so far, they have
found nothing, and they've...
Crawley they're very concerned.
Yeah, well, nice to
meet you, I guess.
Hey, Charlotte!
Charlotte!
Why are you standing in the
middle of the street, Arthur?
I thought you'd...
Look.
OK!
Come on, Arthur!
Let's follow them!
Why don't we just return the
veil and get out of here?
Oh, they're leaving.
Let's just give it to them.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait.
They're going on their
honeymoon, Arthur!
Oh, that's very exciting.
They are seniors, Mike.
I'm not sure "exciting" is the...
Shhh.
Mike.
Mike, I don't like this.
Mike, what we're doing
is returning the veil.
Why don't you just...
just leave it on the porch?
Shh!
Mike?
Mike, just set it on the
kitchen table and... and get
out of there.
Mike?
Mike, what are you doing?
Get down here!
Mike.
Right now!
Eugene, git on up here
and act like a husband.
Now, that is...
inappro...
take that thing off right now.
You take it off.
It's your honeymoon.
Come 'ere, Gene.
Lie down beside me.
Mike, cut it out, really.
It's... it's wrong.
Wrong?
Is love wrong on our weddin' day?
It's not what I...
what I mean is,
is pretending to be...
We deserve to be
happy, Eugene.
I'm not Eugene and you're not...
I know.
Let me be your joy, Eugene.
Take my love, all of it.
You'll be my happiness, too.
Come 'ere, husband.
Can I be myself, please?
Oh, what the hell?
Just skooch over.
First thing I'm gonna
do in the AM is I'm
going to take down those photos
by the stairs, and I'm
gonna put up one great,
big, life size picture of you.
Use the whole,
the whole house, whole universe,
just to glorify you.
Love you, you know that?
Like the stars love
the night sky.
Turn over.
Sweet savior, you
are beautiful.
Kevin.
Do you live here?
Uh, no.
Or technically, no, I don't.
I've spent a... a lot of time
here, a great deal of time
Some wonderful time.
What were you doing?
Me?
Uh...
I was having some toast.
Oh, my...
Excuse me.
I have to go to work.
I've never been here before.
Oh?
He thought if he built a shrine
to me, he could make up
for being such a shitty dad.
Did it ever occur to
him I grew up?
Oh, my goodness.
Uh...
You think he's dead?
I don't know.
Charlotte?
What if we...
Call me Mike.
Come on, come on!
Where have you been all night?
Kevin?
Stay with me, Mike,
in Terre Haute.
We both want the same things.
We both need...
Live with me.
You can be Michaela.
I can be Arthur.
We can both have the
lives we want.
Finally.
What do you say?
The water pressure
here is superb.
My mom was a paranoid
schizophrenic, Arthur.
And so was my sister.
You can't understand
how scary that is.
How can I live with anyone?
I'm a genetic time bomb.
I hear that duck quack,
and I know it's a duck.
But sooner or later, it's going
to be ducks sending me
secret messages, telling me...
When will it be over?
When will I stop being me?
Who says you will?
Statistics.
Someone with my family history...
You're not a statistic, Mike.
You're a person who can't defend
herself against her
worst feelings.
You feel the things most of us
run away from, the things most
of us are just too bottled up to feel.
Now do I have to
have sex with you?
Because I really
don't want to.
It's all right, it's OK.
I can't get these sons
of bitches out.
Will you help me, Arthur?
Use the brush.
No, the brush will hurt you.
I need to use my hands.
OK, go ahead.
Just be...
Careful, I know.
Did you have any
kids, Arthur?
I mean, did Wallace have kids?
No, none.
Arthur Newman world.
Yes, we have golf communities
all around the United States,
Let's check it out.
Come on, Arthur, these
are your peeps.
Come on, you can go now.
What's the matter?
I just feel a little dizzy.
I just...
I think I need...
You need a hot dog.
A pirate goes into
the bar, and the
bartender says, "Hey, buddy,
you got a steering wheel in
And the pirate says, "Aye.
driving me nuts. "
Did you ever win a trophy
like that, Arthur?
How many?
Like a few?
A lot?
A lot, a lot, or just a lot.
A lot, a lot, I guess.
How come such a hot
shot had to end up
working at a FedEx, then?
Arthur?
He's choking!
Arthur?
He's choking!
He's choking!
Another rough day for Wallace Avery.
He was an outstanding amateur
but can't seem to catch a
break since joining
the PGA Tour.
I know, Frank.
Looks like this once
promising player can't
handle the big time.
Right on cue.
Nice job, Larry!
I don't know if I can
pull this off, Mike.
Pull what off?
Arthur Newman.
Of course you can.
Just look at him.
Hey, you want to
shoot a little pool?
Oh, Jesus, you are hot.
Come here, sexy.
Oh, look what you have done.
You know, I have to say, Mike,
you really are an excellent mimic.
Mike is man.
I am Ludmilla.
Shit!
Oh!
Ow!
Times you did that.
Ludmilla!
No.
No!
Golf.
It's a mental game, a
mental component.
That was lacking.
Serious choking problem.
Sorry to hear he's
dead, though.
Yeah, really sorry.
You can almost see
Avery's mind hijack
his instincts.
It's hard to watch a guy get in
his own way over and over
again like this.
Just a mental train wreck.
Welcome to Terre Haute
Country Club.
Thank you.
Hello there, April.
We're looking for the owner,
Chuck Willoughby.
Unfortunately, Mr. Willoughby
has gone home for tonight, but
I could call him?
Don't bother, April.
We'll be back in the morning.
Do you want a dirty martini
with two olives?
I'll have a martini with four olives.
Four?
OK.
Should I, uh...
should I call you my wife,
my girlfriend, or my fiance?
Your whore.
There's something I'd like to
teach you to do for me, Mike.
Golf.
This...
this is a putter.
- Oh!
- It's for...
putting.
Now the most important thing
is a light touch, extremely
light touch on the club, like
you're holding a bird in the
palm of your hand.
Your were...
I mean, Wallace Avery...
were married, weren't you?
Now, just tuck... tuck your
fingers together like so.
What was she like, the wife?
There you go.
Good job!
She a golfer?
Did you teach her how to tuck
her fingers in, too?
Bend your knees a little.
Bend your knees.
Keep some spring in them.
Did you love her a lot, Arthur?
Why no kids, huh?
Is there something
wrong with you?
Will you stick to the
matter in hand?
What's the big deal?
I told you all about the
insanity in my family, so
what's a little infertility?
There's nothing wrong
with me, Mike.
Maybe you have extremely
weak sperm.
My sperm's fine, thank you.
You should probably get it tested.
I think Wallace Avery is in
serious denial about his...
I have a son.
All right?
There's nothing wrong with me.
Arthur, I...
Big whoop, you have a son.
Why is that such a big secret?
Arthur?
Uh...
Chuck.
Diamond Back.
Yes, it's actually me,
Arthur Newman.
We were told you went home.
We were getting soused at
a bar down the road.
Well, so were we.
Your wonderful bar.
By the way, this is
Michaela Fitzgerald.
Whore.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Remember that guy I told
you about, Gary?
The pro?
Diamond Back?
I'm going to hire him,
work here, remember?
Well, anyway, we're all systems
go, and then I Google
him and find out there's no such
fucking pro ever worked
the Asian circuits called
Arthur Newman.
And here he is.
With a whore.
Fuckin' beautiful!
What am I going to do, Gary?
What am I going to do
with this liar?
Call the police?
I don't feel like talking
right now, Mike.
What are you watching?
The History Channel.
Do you want to sit down?
Sure.
I read that how you rate your
life questionnaire my dad
filled out.
You did?
Yeah.
You know, he didn't... he didn't
rate you very high.
Yeah, I know.
But you got a 10.
Guess that makes you happy.
He's full of shit.
You know that, right?
I mean, when I needed
him, I got zero.
And now that I don't give
a shit, I'm a 10?
I mean, fuck him.
Kevin His name's Kevin.
He's 13.
He was 6 when my wife left me.
She said I spend more time
with the cat than
I did with my kid.
Golf was the excuse.
If I'm honest,
the reason
I stayed away was...
You hear about that overpowering
rush of love a
parent feels for their kid?
Well, for me, it was...
You don't have to do this, Arthur.
I really don't need to know.
Drip, drip, drip.
I couldn't feel the big ones.
The stuff that runs deep,
I couldn't...
so when you ask is there
something wrong with me, yeah.
That was then.
Arthur, look at you now.
Do you miss Michaela?
No.
Think she misses you?
No.
Who takes care of her?
Nurses and doctors,
professionals, whatever.
I mean, who takes
care of her when
she's not in the hospital?
She's a grown woman.
She can take care of herself.
So it's obviously not you.
Me?
How am I supposed to take
care of a lunatic?
Look at me.
Practically certifiable myself.
Just look at me.
I'm looking at your back.
It's just an act, isn't it?
To avoid responsibility?
For yourself, for your sister.
For all the selfish things you do.
Shut the fuck up.
The elusive species that
I hope to get was
the oceanic white tip, which is
considered the fourth most
dangerous species of shark...
I think I'm going to go to bed now.
Of course.
- Good night.
- Good night.
This is your wakeup call, sir.
Checkout time is 11:00 AM.
Thank you. -Wake up, Mike.
I won't be checking out today.
Mr. Newman?
It's the police.
Please open the door.
Do you know a woman named
Charlotte Fitzgerald?
I'd just like to point out you
haven't read me my rights.
I'd like to be given the respect
due to a lawful citizen.
You're not under arrest,
Mr. Newman.
I'm not?
We just want to ask you some
questions about Miss.
Fitzgerald.
Is she...
something happen to her?
She's in jail.
What for?
Pick pocketing, down at the mall.
When we arrested her, we found
$29,000 and change in her
knapsack along with
other things.
She says it belongs to
you and she stole it.
Points for honesty, right?
Do you want to press charges?
I gave her the money.
Mr. Newman, no one gives a
perfect stranger 30 grand.
This is not a perfect
stranger.
I have feelings for her.
Deep feelings, matter of fact.
You have feelings for
a klepto, mister.
Do you know an Owen Hadley?
No.
How about these people?
No.
I don't suppose you, uh, know
Beauregard Tully, either?
I, um...
no.
Excuse me.
How much is her bail?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Do you want some toast?
Why do you wear a bra
under your nightgown?
I have some toast, and I have,
uh, jam and honey.
What kind of jam?
Strawberry.
Jam, I guess.
Did you and my dad have a lot
of sex in this apartment.
Uh, that's a personal question!
I...
me to answer, Kevin.
OK.
Well, didn't you think he
was kind of boring?
Focus on the positive.
You're dad was...
Come on, Mina.
OK, he was incredibly boring.
I mean, the lectures.
Boring does not...
I love him, though.
I love him.
Yeah.
It's a lot easier to love
a dead man, isn't it?
I'm going to try and
justify what I did.
That's good.
Neither am I.
Broke into people's houses,
ate their food, wore their clothes,
slept in their beds.
But I didn't erase a man's life.
That I didn't do.
You take it.
Did you even bother
to learn his name?
Just take a look at that
stuff in there.
It tells you a little story.
His name is Beauregard Tully.
Lived in Newport
News, Virginia.
He drove a truck for Walmart.
He was diabetic, went to
Alcoholics Anonymous.
He had two kids,
John and Matt.
He had a wife, Rosita.
They were married 23 years.
You Rosita Tully?
Yes, I am.
This is Charlotte Fitzgerald.
We need to talk to you about
your husband, Beauregard.
Coming in?
You know what it's like,
don't you?
Lose what you thought
you didn't want.
Spend the rest your life
wanting it back.
I need to go home and try and
let my son know I love him.
You need to go home and see if
your sister needs your help.
Family just crushes your
heart, doesn't it?
Bye, Wallace.
Don't worry, I know
where to find you.