Bitterman, stop the car!
Stop it, stop the car.
Girls! Girls!
Hello, girls!
Would the more attractive
of you please step forward?
God! That's funny!
No, actually,
you're both very attractive.
Would the one who thinks I'm
attractive please step forward?
Quickly as possible!
Time is money!
What'd you have in mind?
VD I'm really into penicillin.
Now that's funny!
Actually, what I had in mind...
...was spending the evening
with a stranger who loves me.
It's going to cost you $ 100.
Oh, yeah?
What time do you get off work?
No, I'm kidding!
Let's make it $200.
But I will ask you to Simoniz my car.
Has there been a death
in your family?
This is funny stuff here.
Let's go.
Bitterman, give her...
...give her friend $ 100.
She came in second.
Who is that guy?
I'd rather not say.
I think I know.
I saw his picture in the paper.
- That's Arthur Bach, isn't it?
- What if it is?
Is there something wrong with him?
Yes.
Permit me to introduce myself.
Where in the hell's my hat?
It's on the floor.
I hate it when that happens.
I am Arthur.
I'm Gloria.
- I am Arthur.
- Yeah. What're you drinking?
Scotch. Would you like some?
Why not?
You're with me and
you can ask that question?
What's so funny now?
I sometimes just
think funny things!
What do you do for a living?
I race cars. I play tennis...
...I fondle women, but...
...I have weekends off
and I am my own boss.
The Plaza, and step on it!
Sir, if I may say so...
Go through the park.
You know how I love the park!
Can I have another drink?
Isn 't this fun?!
Isn 't fun the best thing to have?!
Don 't you wish you were me?
I know I do!
Isn't that Arthur Bach?
I fell out of the goddamned car!
Is that the funniest thing ever?!
Are you hurt, sir?
I fell out of the car!
Isn't that the funniest thing ever?
You had to be there, right?
You are quite amusing, sir.
Please get my drink.
After all, we're going to the bar.
Thank you so much.
Madame, I'm sorry,
but we have absolutely no...
Don't give me any stuff, buster!
It's all right,
the lady's with me.
Mr. Bach! How good to see you!
If only someone
I knew felt that way!
We have your regular table,
Mr. Bach.
I know you have it,
but is anyone sitting at it?
It's all right. They're used
to seeing me with the turtle.
Uncle Peter! And Aunt Pearl!
You're looking well.
Thank you!
Aunt Pearl, may I say
you're looking younger every day.
Doesn't Aunt Pearl
look wonderful, darling?
She looks great.
We haven't had the pleasure
of meeting this young woman.
Would you introduce us?
How stupid of me!
Princess Gloria, may I
introduce my aunt and uncle...
...Peter and Pearl Bach.
How are you?
Princess? Did you say
"Princess," Arthur?
There's a very small country
in the West Indies. I mean small.
I see. Thank you.
It's terribly small.
Tiny little country.
Rhode Island could
beat the crap out of it in a war.
That's how small it is.
It's small.
It's very little...
It's 85 cents in a cab
from one end to the other.
I'm talking small!
We understand it's small, Arthur.
They recently had
the whole country carpeted.
This is not a big place.
We understand that it's small, Arthur.
And we also understand
that you are very drunk.
So why don't we meet again
when you're sober?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I can't help it.
Grow up, Arthur.
You'd make a fine adult.
That's easy for you to say.
You haven't got
...hanging in your closet!
It's the regular table!
Wait a minute...
...regular chair.
How rich are you?
All I can tell you is...
...I wish I had a dime
for every dime I have.
The service here is terrible.
Where the hell's my drink?
- We just ordered!
- That's always their excuse.
Engine room,
where the hell's my drink?!
Are you married?
There's only one woman for me.
And I can't stand her.
Her name is Susan.
I can't tell you her last name.
It would be indiscreet.
Johnson.
Susan Johnson.
My father wants me to marry her...
...but I'm not going to!
You're the only woman at this table.
Sure, you bring her a bottle,
me you bring a glass.
Fine. Thank you very much.
Aren't waiters wonderful?
You ask them for things,
and they bring them.
Same principle as Santa Claus.
Tell me about yourself.
You mean, why I'm a hooker?
Are you a hooker?
Jesus, I forgot!
I thought I was
doing great with you.
Why are you a hooker?
My mother died when I was six.
Son of a bitch!
Don't they know
what they do to kids?!
My father raped me when I was 12.
So you had six
relatively good years.
I'm sorry.
Listen, my father screwed me too.
Do you like me?
You're cute.
I know that!
But do you like me?
Well, Princess,
we're going to have fun!
Tonight is New Year's Eve!
Third time this week!
Here's to you!
Noisy!
Hello, darling.
Good morning.
Did you sleep well?
- Fine.
- Good.
Please stop that!
Hobson how good to see you!
- Thank you so much.
- Not at all.
I've taken the liberty of
anticipating your condition...
...and I've brought you orange juice,
coffee and aspirins.
Or do you need to throw up?
Gloria, I would like you
to meet Hobson.
My best friend in the world.
I relish the compliment.
It is thrilling to meet you, Gloria.
You obviously have a wonderful
economy with words, Gloria.
I look forward to your next
syllable with great eagerness.
As we all can see,
it's a lovely day.
Which would seem to indicate
that the night is over.
I have arranged breakfast
for you on the east patio.
This is a robe.
Please put it on.
Say goodbye to her, Arthur.
Do you know what
I'm going to do?
No, I don't.
I'm going to take a bath.
I'll alert the media.
Do you want to
run my bath for me?
It's what I live for.
Perhaps you'd like me to
wash your dick for you...
...you little shit.
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Hobson, this is Arthur.
Yes! How delightful
to hear from you.
How about a pitcher of martinis?
No, thank you.
I'm not going
to face my father sober.
If you don't bring them
I'll have someone else do it!
I'll bring them.
- Say goodbye.
- Goodbye.
He treats me like a kid.
You know, Arthur...
...your father is going
to demand that you marry Susan.
I don't care what he demands.
Stay with me a minute, Hobson.
You know I hate to be alone.
Yes. Bathing is a lonely business.
Except for fish.
I beg your pardon?
Did you say "except for fish"?
Fish all bathe together.
Although they do tend
to eat one another.
I often think...
...fish must get
awfully tired of seafood.
What are your thoughts, Hobson?
Pardon me...
I don't want you to be alone.
I'll never be alone.
I have you.
Isn't life wonderful, Hobson?
Yes, Arthur, it is.
Do your armpits.
A hot bath is wonderful!
Girls are wonderful!
Imagine how wonderful
a girl who bathes would be!
Get dressed!
I hate it here.
Of course you hate it.
People work here.
Here, read this magazine.
There are many pictures.
Look how nobody ever smiles here.
Why doesn't anybody ever smile here?
They smile at lunchtime.
Lower your voice, Arthur.
And sit up.
Stop being so nervous.
Later on, we'll get ice cream.
Your father will see you now.
Come on, Hobson.
He wants to see you alone.
He gets all that money.
Pays his family back
by being a stinking drunk.
It's enough to make you sick.
I really wouldn't know, sir.
I'm just a servant.
On the other hand...
...go screw yourself.
The press has a good time
with you, Arthur.
"Millionaire Drunk Playboy. "
You're the weakest man
I've ever known!
I despise your weakness!
I'm afraid we have to talk.
I'm not going to marry her!
I've told you a thousand times!
Fine. If that's your decision,
the family has no choice.
I'm sorry, Arthur, very sorry.
But as of this moment, you are...
...cut off.
You mean cut off from...
...you and Grandmother
and the family?
So you mean cut off
from the...
You don't mean cut off from the...
The money, Arthur.
Your grandmother and I have had
all the papers drawn up.
We want this marriage, Arthur.
I want it. Burt Johnson wants it.
Burt Johnson!
He's a criminal!
We all are, Arthur.
And as you know...
...we usually get what we want.
Frankly, Father,
I'd rather starve.
And I will.
I'll get married when
I fall in love.
Fine. I respect your integrity.
You've just lost
Actually, Susan is
a very nice girl.
And she'll make a wonderful wife.
Yes, wonderful.
Have you ever seen her face...
...when the light
catches it just right?
She's really quite beautiful.
Of course, you can't depend
on that light.
The wedding is a month from today.
The invitations will be
mailed tonight.
Ever taste her chicken?
She does spectacular
things with a chicken.
And I love a chicken made at home.
This is the ring your grandfather
gave to your grandmother.
She wants you to
give it to Susan.
This is to marry one girl?
Don't do this to me.
I've been waiting for you
to grow up. I can't wait any longer.
Congratulations, Father, you win.
I had every intention of winning.
Congratulations to you, Arthur.
You're going to be wealthy
for the rest of your life.
That's all I've ever wanted to be.
I'll take three dozen of these shirts.
Assorted colors.
I hate my father.
Then purchase four dozen.
Four dozen.
And I want...
...14 of these sweaters, all green.
- All green?
- I don't wear sweaters.
Send them to
my address, will you?
What else can I buy, Hobson?
Hobson! Did you see that?!
She stole that tie!
It's a perfect crime!
Girls don't wear ties.
Although some do. It's not a perfect
crime, but it's a good crime.
If she murdered the tie
it'd be a perfect crime.
Why are you so happy
about all this?
The man following her
is a security guard.
We've got to be calm!
Isn't she beautiful? Jesus!
May I ask what have
we to do with this?
I beg your pardon, miss.
I'm the security guard
in the store.
You don't need the badge.
No customer would
wear that jacket.
I must look in the bag.
I saw you put something in it.
You got trouble, mister.
You'll never work on the East Coast
again. What's your name?
She's sensational!
She does have a certain
Eleanor Roosevelt quality.
What's your address?
The address, Chester!
I'm not fooling!
I saw you put a tie in that bag!
What did you say?!
All right, that's it!
I want a cop!
Get me a cop!
We need a cop here!
Don't move from where you are.
I don't want you out of my sight!
Get me a cop!
Get your hands off me.
I'm Arthur Bach.
I'll straighten this out.
Mr. Bach, you really should
stay out of this.
Well, he's in it, Chester.
Tell him, Alfred.
I know this woman.
We're shopping together.
Where the hell have you been?
I'm sorry darling.
I got caught up.
She's a friend, Mr. Bach?
He just said that, Chester.
You're such a schmuck.
I asked her to pick out a tie.
I was going to put it on my bill.
- You didn't pay for it?
- I forgot. I'm sorry.
Chester, what can I say?
I had no idea.
May I look at the tie?
Oh, God, that's really lovely.
- I hope you like it.
- You're really wonderful.
Not in front of
all these people, dear.
They might think you're an animal.
Mr. Bach, you understand,
it's my job.
Would you ask the lady at
the counter to put this on my bill?
I'll take care of it, Mr. Bach.
Thank you very much.
Were you scared?
Why are you smiling
at me like that?
I see.
You're a little strange...
...but cute.
How are you?
Have a nice day. Thank you very much.
I'll go to the bus stop now.
Why did you steal that tie?
I don't know.
I'm a wonderful person!
I'm serious.
I'll be with you in a minute.
He's getting on my nerves.
Will you stop smiling
at me like that?
You look like
one of Santa's helpers.
Is he with us?
My name is Arthur,
and this is Mr. Hobson.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon?
My name is Linda.
I'd like to thank you very much.
You did a nice thing.
That was an interesting kiss.
- You kiss your wife like that?
- I'm not married.
Keep smiling. 688-5549.
Don't expect big things
on the first date.
Yes, it's been a distinct
pleasure meeting you.
Arthur, we really must be going.
Thank you for
a memorable afternoon.
Usually one must go to a bowling alley
to meet a woman of your stature.
Wouldn't it be funny
if he called me?
Arthur, I see no reason
for prolonging this conversation.
Unless you're planning...
...to knock over a fruit stand
later in the evening.
Good luck in prison.
Who was the tie for?
A guy.
Look how he stopped smiling.
My father. It's his birthday.
What are you doing tomorrow night?
I don't know.
I have plans for tomorrow night.
What should I wear?
Steal something casual.
- I like him.
- Likewise, I'm sure.
I'll have Bitterman
drive you home.
You don't have to do that.
Bitterman doesn't
have to take me.
I really hardly ever
take the bus, ever.
- But it's so hard to get a cab.
- Of course.
I'm sure we know a lot
of the same people.
- Get in.
- Right.
Tell Bitterman where to take you.
And make sure...
...you give him your address
and phone number.
Take care of her, Bitterman.
Good afternoon!
You'd think they'd never
seen a car before.
Hey lady, where
did you get the car?
Could you children please
allow us our privacy?
Could I sit here until
one of my neighbors walks by?
I want someone I know
to see me get out of this.
I understand.
Here comes Mrs. Nesbit.
This should kill her.
Don't touch the door.
I'll do it.
Mrs. Nesbit deserves
the entire treatment.
Thank you, Bitterman.
Well, hello, Mrs. Nesbit!
Will that be all, madam?
I think so.
Have a nice evening, Mrs. Nesbit.
- Could be a big tie.
- It is a tie.
Then guessing would be
out of the question.
- It is a tie!
- Surprise!
I love it!
It goes with everything I own.
I hope you like it.
If I don't get a job soon, you may
get it back on your birthday.
Dad, shut up.
A funny thing happened
to me today.
Do you know why...
...girls marry so badly?
Is this a joke?
Are these Polish girls?
The reason is, there
are so many girls...
...and so few princes.
You met a prince?
I met a nice guy. With my help,
he could become a prince.
- Who is he?
- Just a guy.
What does he do?
Nothing.
Another beauty.
How does he make a living?
Look, I have to make dinner.
I take it this bum
will be calling you.
Dad, he's a millionaire.
You have my permission
to marry him.
Roses. Yellow.
She'll drop dead. She'll love them.
Yellow roses. Two dozen.
I think something else
would look nice too.
Red roses. With the yellow.
She won't know what hit her!
You'll be aces with her.
You're a nice boy.
Two dozen red, okay?
- Do you know what happened?
- No, I don't.
Yesterday I met her
outside Bergdorf's.
I can't stop
thinking about her!
Are you married?
Once. She's alive.
- What's that?
- A yucca plant.
- I'll take it.
- How many?
Four.
Where were you
when I was selling cars?
How did you know
when you fell in love?
How does anybody know?
I was on a train.
From Washington to New York.
What's that?
- A fern. You need five.
- Right!
A girl got on the train.
Skinny. She gave me a smile.
By Baltimore, I was a dead duck.
Did you whistle a lot?
I find I whistle!
I whistled.
Did you feel funny?
I feel funny.
You may have a cold.
Send all this and anything else
you can think of to this address.
Send 2 dozen roses
to your wife.
The skinny one on the train.
Here, keep the change.
You're the rich one?
The one who drinks?
How does it feel
to have all that money?
It feels great.
A dumb question.
What do you do?
I've never asked.
I'm an actress.
I mean, I'm studying to be one.
But I'm working as a waitress.
A lot of talented girls do that.
What's it like being a waitress?
It's fun. I mean, you know.
This guy came in and pulled out...
A guy came into the diner
and pulled out...
- He pulled out what?
- Pulled out a gun!
I love this song!
I love it too!
When do I get a turn?
Can't you see I'm going
for a new world's record?
After only 12 games,
I have 80 coupons!
I knew it would be different
spending an evening with a millionaire.
Two more and I'm 20 for 20!
That's another 35 coupons!
Could we have a little quiet here?
You nut!
Look at him with his gun.
Are you cute!
God, I missed!
Nineteen.
For 19, you get 15 coupons.
We really have to go now.
Space Invaders!
Do you want the orange one?
Enjoy it!
Now take care of it.
I already named it!
I named it after my grandmother
on my mother's side.
Arthur.
Here's a rose.
I stole it from the restaurant.
Thank you.
I've never taken care of anyone.
Everyone's always taken care of me.
But if you got sick, or anything...
...I'd take care of you.
Then I'll get sick.
This Vermeer just arrived today.
It's called...
..."Woman Admiring Pearls. "
The dealer jerked me around
on the price a little.
But what the hell.
We live once.
Martha...
What's the matter, Arthur?
I can't marry Susan Johnson.
- Really?
- I met this girl!
You are a charming boy.
Unfortunately...
...every time you have an erection,
it makes the papers.
Goodness!
I sound like a dime novel.
Peanuts!
Isn't my grandson handsome, Harriet?
- Yes.
- Thank you, Harriet.
Is it wonderful to be...
...promiscuous?
At your age, Martha,
it might just be dangerous.
Who is she? This one you met.
I don't know.
She lives in Queens.
She's nobody.
But there's something
about her, Martha.
Make no mistakes.
You are too old to be poor.
You don't know how.
We are ruthless people.
Don't screw with us.
Arthur, I love you.
If you don't marry Susan
I'll cut you off without a cent.
You're a scary old broad, Martha.
And you are a delightful child.
Marry Susan and cheat
with the nobody from Queens.
How are you?
I got off work early.
Listen, do you like lasagna?
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.
I know this is last minute...
...but something came up.
I can't make it tonight.
Fine. No problem. What?
Listen, the truth is...
...I'm getting engaged tonight.
The easiest thing would be
to lie, but I like you...
Look, no sweat.
We had some laughs. Good luck...
I wanted to tell you
the other night, but I...
Don't worry about it.
I have to go. Okay? Bye.
Would you like a beer?
I'll get you a beer.
I'll be all right, sweetheart.
I just have to be
alone for a minute.
Oh, God! I can't bear it.
Come in.
Shall I get the car, Mr. Bach?
No thanks, Bitterman.
Tonight I'll drive myself.
How often does
a young man get engaged?
Where's Mr. Hobson?
Mr. Hobson was tired, sir.
He's resting.
He's been tired
quite a bit lately.
I'm sure he's fine, sir.
Will you cut it out?
I didn't mean to tell you,
but I've got a tumor.
Did the lights go off?
Just talk to me, okay?
With a tumor in my head?
Listen, Arthur.
There are three books...
This is important.
Take them back...
...to the library.
Don't die anymore.
It's getting very boring.
I've only got a cold.
Now go and get engaged.
I just told Linda
I was getting engaged.
I don't know why.
A tart like that could
save you a fortune in prostitutes.
Listen, old man.
Don't ever talk about
her that way again.
She's the best person I know!
Goddamn it,
why are you such a snob?!
I raised my voice to you.
I've never done that before.
That's quite all right.
You know, you may be growing up.
And I'm sorry for what
I said about Linda.
Do you want anything?
I want to be younger.
I'm sorry.
It's your job to be older.
- Good evening, Mr. Bach.
- Good evening, Mr. Butler.
I'm here to get engaged.
Won't you come in, sir?
How are you?
Susan! You get down here
this minute!
Miss Susan is expecting you.
She's dressing.
I will inform her you're here.
Tell her Chief Inspector Flanigan
from homicide is here.
That should get her
down in a hurry.
Nothing. Offer to take my coat.
You don't have a coat.
Well, offer to take my tie.
It's a little joke.
Take the rest of the week off.
You're obviously
under a lot of tension.
Would you care to wait
in the library?
Yes! The bathroom is
out of the question!
That's another little joke.
Follow me, please.
I'm a little nervous.
I'm getting engaged.
You may wait in here.
Thank you!
Is there anything you
care for while you wait?
Do you have today's Pravda?
I like to keep up with Russia.
Then fill a glass with scotch.
Are you sure you want
to be a nightclub comic?
Marty, he's pouring a drink.
I'll get back to you!
If you're going to be like that,
let's call the whole thing off!
God, these people!
I'm glad we had this time together.
You're a funny guy.
You have that trouble too?
This must be awfully
embarrassing for you.
Hello, Arthur.
Hello, Mr. Johnson.
I haven't seen you lately.
The reason you haven't
seen me is because...
...I normally pick Susan up
at her apartment in town.
And you live here.
Want a drink?
I never drink.
- No one in my family drinks.
- That's great!
You probably never run out
of ice your whole life.
I don't drink because drinking
affects your decision-making.
You may be right.
I can't decide.
That's just a little humor.
Where's the rest
of this moose?
Arthur, I think it's time
we got to know one another.
I do too. That's why
I had you come over today.
This is a tough room.
I don't have to tell you that.
You must have hated this moose.
Why don't you forget
the moose for a moment?!
Right.
You know...
...I didn't inherit money
like you did.
I started with nothing.
And yet...
...I was a millionaire
by the time I was 18.
Anyone stood in my way,
they got hurt.
When I was 11 years old...
...I killed a man.
When you're 11, you don't even
know there's a law against that.
Is Susan here?
I knew what I was doing.
We were poor.
He came into our house
to steal our food.
Well, he was asking for it.
I took a knife...
...and I killed him
in the kitchen.
You probably ate out that night.
I mean, with that man
lying in your kitchen.
- You seem to find humor in everything.
- Yes, sorry.
- Arthur!
- What?
Do you know what I consider to be
my most precious possession?
My daughter.
She is my gold.
- She is my treasure.
- She's very nice.
And I protect what's mine.
And I do it in an ugly way.
- I'm from the gutter.
- I understand. The gutter.
You seem upset.
Now, Susan loves you.
And I want you to make her happy.
You can count on it.
I insist upon you making her happy.
Listen.
What happens...
...this is just hypothetical...
...if I don't make her happy?
Which is out of the question!
But let's just say...
...I make her...
...cranky?
For cranky, I guess you'd
probably just break my ankles.
Something like that.
You'll make her happy.
I don't like your drinking.
It makes you unreasonable.
I want you to go to work.
Now, your father and I
talked about it. I want you...
...to work for me.
Is this it?
She's not happy already?
Susan loves you.
So I love you.
You'll find me a friend.
Don't you get it?
You can get drunk.
You can throw up.
You can forget to call me
for months.
You can't lose with me.
I know you too well.
And I'm much stronger
than you are.
I know how alone you are.
I hate how alone you are.
I've cried because
you're so alone.
Don't be afraid, Arthur.
You're never going
to be alone again.
Waiter!
I'll have another.
You want another fish?
Don't drink anymore.
You're such an asshole!
This is what I am!
Everyone who drinks
is not a poet.
Some of us drink
because we're not poets.
A real woman could
stop you from drinking.
It'd have to be a real big woman.
Will you take my hand?
That would leave you with one!
Sorry. Here's the hand.
I love you, Arthur.
Good! I have to talk
to the waiter now.
My doctor advised me to
drink 10 of these an hour.
I understand, Mr. Bach.
This is the ring my grandfather
gave to my grandmother.
Then he died.
And subsequently,
she gave it to me.
I'll always love you.
It's a great ring, isn't it?
It's a beautiful ring.
It's a magical night.
Do you have any objection
to naming a child Vladimir?
Even a girl?
Ask me.
Will you marry me?
Take the weekend if you want.
Congratulations!
Would you mind if I took you home?
I've got a terrible headache.
I'm sorry.
This must be the building.
I hope it's not late.
Who am I talking to?
It's me, it's me.
- What do you want?
- Oh, shit!
I'm sorry to have
disturbed you, madam.
I was looking for Linda. I hope
it's the wrong house. No offense.
My husband has a gun!
I'm sure he has, madam.
For all I know, he shot it
while you screamed.
Perry! Come over here!
This man wants to know
where Linda lives!
She lives at 14133, Apartment A,
next door.
You tell a total stranger that?
You don't know who he is.
- He looks okay.
- Right, get over here!
She's terrible! Does she
always hit you like that?
Yeah, what can I do?
Mind your business!
For God's sake, she's going
to kill you! Get in there!
Give her a shot!
It's you against her, Perry!
Oh, God!
It's horrible!
Horrible!
You shouldn't hear this.
God!
Perry, you're a dead man.
Pardon me.
Oh, you're a hedge.
- You must be Linda's father.
- It's kind of late.
Although I wasn't sleeping myself.
Oh, nice to meet you, Arthur.
Hi, Linda!
Can I come in?
Don't you hate Perry's wife?
Let him in.
Linda, I've missed...
Sorry, Linda.
I'm sorry.
Really.
It happens.
What's the matter with you?
Nobody knocks on a door
at 3:00 in the morning!
You're so drunk,
you can hardly stand up.
And you're engaged!
This is a goner.
I'm going to sleep.
You come here at 3 o'clock
in the morning to say goodbye?
I have to get up and go to work
in the morning. Stop kidding around!
Will you stop kissing me!
I'm sure you're not going
to want to be a waitress...
...for the rest of your life.
I am studying to be an actress.
- You told me.
- Well, I am.
This is for you...
...your father...
...and your acting career.
Please take it and I'll go.
$ 100,000.
We don't need your money.
Linda, it'll help you.
Look what it's done for you.
Tell your story walking,
before I call a cop!
Get out of here!
Closet.
I know.
Want to take her for a spin, Hobson?
No, thank you, Arthur.
Mr. Bach, be sure you call me
anytime you need the track.
- Take it easy.
- Thank you.
Do you know how miserable I am?
You're miserable?
I've got all this and I'm on a salary.
ARTHUR 3
Do you know the worst part?
The worst part of being me?
I should imagine your breath.
Let me be unhappy, will you?
You know, Hobson...
...I could love somebody.
I never got to love anybody!
What do I have to live for?
I'm a failure. I'm just in the way.
Would you remove your helmet, please?
- Why?
- Please.
Thank you.
Now your goggles.
- Why?
- Please.
You spoiled little bastard!
You're a man who has everything.
But that's not enough.
You feel unloved? Welcome to
the world. Everyone is unloved!
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
And incidentally, I love you.
Marry Susan, Arthur.
Poor drunks do not find love.
Poor drunks have very few teeth.
They urinate outdoors.
They freeze to death in summer.
I can't bear to think
of you that way.
I need Linda, Hobson.
I see.
Well, perhaps fate
will lend a hand, Arthur.
One never knows.
Good afternoon?
May I come in?
If you and your undershirt
would walk two paces backwards...
...I could enter this dwelling.
How revolting.
Look who's here.
The British Tonto.
How are you? How's Arthur?
Ever since I met Arthur,
I liked him.
We have to make sure these
two wonderful kids stay together.
Who is this person?
- He's my father.
- Yes, and I'd like to say that...
Try not to speak.
Would you get me a cup of tea?
I wish to speak to Linda.
Sure.
There is an engagement
party tonight...
...at Arthur's father's house
in Southampton.
Here is the address.
Perhaps you should attend.
Are all the ones
he passed up coming?
Young woman, this is a tie
you cannot steal!
This is a tie you'll have
to work for.
Are you inviting me
to Arthur's engagement party?
This is not an invitation.
However...
...if there's one thing that
old gentlemen can still do...
...they can still spot
young gentlemen in love.
Please go to the party.
Are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine.
Does Arthur know you're here?
No, Arthur is far too fine
a person to be involved...
...in something as devious as this.
You really look out for him,
don't you?
And it is a job
that I recommend highly.
I have something for you.
For me?
What is it?
If I told you,
it would spoil the surprise.
Don't open it.
Here's your tea.
I despise tea.
Would you bring me 2 aspirin
from the bathroom?
You'll find them on the top shelf,
behind the untouched shaving cream.
That sounds bad.
Have you seen a doctor?
Yes.
And he has seen me.
You know...
...I think Arthur has
a very good friend.
May I kiss you on the cheek?
Is it something you feel
strongly about?
What about your aspirins?
The aspirins are for you, my dear.
Hello.
Good evening.
God knows when I'll see you again.
Arthur, will you play
something for us?
- Don't you hate these things?
- Despise them.
Actually, seriously...
...songs come and go.
But I love the classics.
And I hope you'll enjoy this one.
You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
Are you good friends with Arthur?
For ages.
I'm so pleased he finally found
the right woman. Where is she?
Over there.
Isn't she just beautiful?
Of course she is.
Why would Arthur marry a dog?
Pardon?
Santa Claus is coming to town
How does it feel to be
getting married?
Blue Moon
You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Thanks a lot. That's flattering.
If you knew Susan
like I knew Susan
I need a drink!
- Tell me your entire name, darling.
- Preston Langly.
Really! If you don't remember
when we met, I mean, honestly!
- Put your arm around me.
- Of course.
Linda, you're here.
So true.
Join us.
Congratulations.
Father sends his regards.
- Does he?
- Yes, he does.
Wednesday night may be
difficult for me.
- What?
- You're looking wonderful, my dear.
- Aren't I? Thank you.
- Wednesday?
It's difficult for her
that night, Preston.
Isn't that the night you usually
attend the ballet, darling?
Actually, I feel foolish,
but I don't recall ever making...
Would you be divine and
get me a gin and tonic?
Scotch for me, Preston.
- You wait here for me?
- If it takes forever.
What are you doing here...
...and why are you talking like that?
I was in the neighborhood.
It took me two buses,
three cabs and a train...
...to get into the neighborhood.
But what the hell?
Nice place. I like a living room
you can land a plane in.
There's more of it. You like a tour?
I've seen bedrooms.
Don't be a lover. Be a person.
Make me happy.
Her name is Linda Marolla.
She's the one Arthur saw
the other night. She lives in Queens.
Mario, please!
Don't worry. I talked to the warden.
We'll get you out of here.
When I was a kid, I used to open
their stalls and let them run out.
You should have been there
the day I freed my goldfish.
Come over here.
I want you two to meet.
Pancho, this is Linda.
I told you about her, remember?
It must have been something,
growing up with all this.
I was away at boarding school
most of the time.
I was kicked out of ten prep schools.
I was a bad kid.
No, you weren't.
You just wanted to go home.
Bad kids don't grow up
as nice as you.
- Why do you think Pancho loves you?
- Thank you.
This is kind of like prom night,
isn't it?
I mean, we're all dressed up.
Have you ever been in love?
You?
But when I was little,
I thought the moon followed me.
What?
I would walk and I thought
the moon went anyplace I did.
That's great!
I know it's silly,
but I was only eight years old.
I thought it meant something special
would happen to me someday.
So I've been waiting. Every day I've
been doing my hair, and washing...
...my face...
- Can I kiss you?
Please.
I wasn't talking to you.
Why is it you can make me laugh
at the saddest times in my life?
I'm funny, that's why.
I'm funny!
Yeah, that's it.
You're going to marry Susan.
I'm still glad I came here.
Made a fool out of myself.
I wish we had made love.
I'd give anything
to see you in the morning.
I have to marry Susan.
If I don't, my family will cut me off.
It's almost a billion dollars.
One of the horses just fainted.
Look, this is ridiculous.
You got cab fare to the city?
I don't like the train at night.
Look, when Susan and I
get married...
...I can set you up in an apartment
and we can...
Forget it.
Are you cute!
I thought I'd find you here.
He just loves that smelly old horse.
Have we met?
I don't think you have.
Linda Marolla,
this is Susan Johnson, my fiancee.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
I'd say that if I were you.
We might as well tell her.
You tell her.
My husband, Harold,
went to prep school with Arthur.
Harold lost a fortune gambling.
He's sick!
He's a sick man!
But he's my husband.
I'm not one of your guests.
I came for one reason.
I came here to beg Arthur
to lend us some money.
One of my kids...
...my youngest, my baby...
...needs an operation.
Harold hasn't kept up the insurance.
I don't know where to turn!
Do I have to go on?
No, of course not!
Of course not!
- Arthur, I wasn't spying on you.
- I know that!
There's an urgent phone call
for you from Bitterman.
Thank you.
Say hello to Harold for me.
You all right, Bitterman?
Yes, sir.
Would you like me to get you
some Scotch, sir?
We'll get through this together.
It's very hard.
I'm glad to have you here, sir.
Bitterman, do me a favor.
Go back to the house.
Phone my father and Mr. Johnson and
Miss Susan. Tell them what's happened.
The wedding will have to wait.
And bring me back some clothes here.
Okay, let's open the presents.
I'm sorry, Arthur.
- For what?
- For leaving you.
You're not leaving anyone.
Why, it's a basketball!
What the hell?
I knew you didn't have one.
If I feel the urge to dribble...
...I can always call the nurse.
I'll put this over here.
You purchased a choo-choo?
Look, the wheels go round.
I'm very pleased.
Do you remember...
...when you used to play
hide-and-seek with me?
I used to hide and
you never found me!
- Did you know I never looked?
- Come on!
Well, I looked a little.
One for you, one for me.
Put it on.
I don't wish to put it on.
I'll put it on.
If I begin to die,
please take this off my head.
This isn't how
I wish to be remembered.
Aren't they great?
I've got guns and
holsters too. Look.
Just in town for supplies, partner.
Arthur, I'm frightened.
I know you're frightened.
I'm going to take care of you.
Good morning, Mr. Bach.
Hi, Ken.
Here, I'll take that.
You look terrible.
You haven't slept in a week.
Well, we had a bad night.
He was up.
I got the kippers and eggs.
I'll get fired.
No, you won't.
Listen.
For lunch...
...I want the trout almondine
from Lutece. Tell Henri it's for me.
He shouldn't eat that.
I don't want his last meal
to be Jell-O.
Thanks very much. See you later.
Look who's up.
We have eggs, we have kippers.
We have croissants.
We have a yellow rose.
We have strawberries.
We have blueberry cakes.
We have orange juice
and great coffee.
Right. Table for one, sir.
Your regular.
You know, Arthur...
...I'm very glad you're here.
I want you to eat this.
This is costing me.
I've got chefs working at six
in the morning all over town.
You look awful.
That's because you've never
seen me sober. Now eat.
Come on. You used to make me eat.
It's not so bad.
You don't need to be
so frightened about it.
- What?
- Dying.
Seems natural.
Even comforting, now.
You're even teaching me
how to die?
I'm through teaching you anything.
You've grown up.
You can do anything
with your life that you want to.
What do you mean?
Figure it out.
You seen Linda Marolla lately?
Linda Marolla?
Why would you ask about her?
I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm dying.
Want me to read you Shakespeare?
Hamlet was in big trouble
when we left off.
No.
You're a good son.
You take your average kid today.
He don't want to go in the army.
Yeah, what does he care? Dope!
But the Communists,
they go in the army!
If only we had some Communists here.
No.
While our kids are dancing...
...their kids are learning
how to fight!
Everybody's dancing here!
You're right. You're right.
It's not worth talking about.
- Let me buy you another drink.
- Right.
What do you do?
I'm a dance instructor.
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding!
Honest to God.
I'm a dentist.
I hate dentists.
We're not bad guys.
It's not easy, you know.
There's teeth and gums and blood!
Oh, my God!
I have to get looped
just to walk into my office.
Bartender!
We would like two more, please.
- Haven't you had enough?
- I want more than enough.
How come you got all this
money for all these drinks?
I saved my money.
I haven't had a drink in a month.
Oh, my God!
Well, you see, my father died.
So I stayed sober.
One night at the hospital...
...he fell asleep.
I was watching him.
And then...
...he just kept on sleeping.
And I was all alone.
Oh, that's terrible.
Listen...
...I was lucky to know him at all.
Are you somebody's father?
No, I'm a drunk.
I have a brother
who moved to New Jersey.
I'm getting married soon.
Great!
I don't love her.
I don't love her!
Well, don't make a scene!
No, I'm sorry, but there's...
...this other girl.
She steals ties...
...and gives them to her father.
She's funny.
I want her.
I want her!
I have to go.
Sorry.
Sir, your wedding is within
less than five hours.
Listen.
Go see your brother.
All right?
Nobody should be alone.
It's awful...
...to be alone.
I want you to know, if he doesn't
show up for this wedding...
...I'll kill him.
Don't worry about it, Burt.
I talk to Arthur every day.
Since Hobson's death, he's stopped
drinking. He's anxious to work.
He's become a responsible citizen.
He'll be a good husband.
Thanks very much.
Have a nice day.
- Where's my roll?
- We're having it monogrammed.
Hurry up with the old man's roll!
Can I help you?
Do you recommend the French toast?
With all of my heart.
Lady, I got customers.
I'll have it.
You've made the right decision.
Wait a minute! Wait!
I've waited long enough.
Can you take the next
I'll have to ask.
- You want some coffee?
- Where's my roll?
Wait! I'll get it!
- What the hell's going on?
- She's getting your roll.
Here's your roll.
Arthur, what happened?
Hobson died.
I know.
He loved you very much.
Did you know that?
And I think I'll grow up.
I want to marry you.
Although I'm supposed
to marry Susan in 20 minutes.
- He's drunk, but he sounds sincere.
- Eat your roll!
The money.
Can you live without the money?
Well, we'll have to.
Please marry me.
I'll try to be sober
and to make you happy.
Although it won't be easy,
because I'll be poor.
We'll be poor.
We'll be poor.
- Most people are poor.
- Eat your roll!
Now, I have to tell Susan.
Come with me?
I got to change.
- I'll cover for you.
- All right.
Last night, I could have sworn
the moon was following me.
It was.
I'm Arthur Bach, the groom.
Congratulations!
Thank you. And to you too.
I wonder, could you tell me
where the wedding party is?
Right over there, in that room.
Thank you very much.
You've got a lovely...
...hat! Hat. It's called a hat.
Good luck, Arthur.
Thank you very much.
I'm Arthur Bach, the groom.
I'm Arthur Bach.
Did you forget your garter belt?
Sorry I'm late.
Susan, just the one I wanted
to talk to.
Nice dress.
- Arthur, the ceremony's just...
- Yeah, I know.
Could we just talk for a moment,
away from all these people?
Of course.
I don't love you. I don't love you.
- What is it, dear?
- I don't love you.
I don't love you!
It's right in that room over there.
Thank you.
Your hat is lovely.
I've heard.
You're drunk?
You're frightened?
I'm both of those.
I know, but I'm...
...in love with another woman.
- What, dear?
- I'm in love with another woman.
I'm in love...
...with another...
...woman!
Susan, the one innocent...
...person in all of this has been you.
I'm really sorry.
Shut up, Arthur! Just shut up!
Daddy!
Hello, Mr. Johnson!
He must be nervous.
Arthur gets nervous.
Here's your ring, Arthur.
I hope you're happy.
Now, stand up, son, I want
to kill you with my bare hands.
I think you know everyone.
This is Susan's father.
My God! Arthur, you're really hurt!
I've got him right
where I want him.
You animal!
Look, it's over!
He doesn't love your daughter.
I'm sorry. It happens.
He loves me.
What about Harold?
Harold?
- You poor thing.
- Stand aside.
Now, is this the slut that
you've disgraced my daughter for?!
Slut?!
Slut?!
Please, Daddy!
- Daddy, he's not worth it.
- Just sit up.
Can you move, Arthur?
Everybody out!
Out! All of you, out!
God!
He's taking the knife
out of the cheese!
Do you think he wants
some cheese?
No, I think we're going to die!
What's going on here?
Stop that this instant!
Don't screw with me, Burt!
Ladies and gentlemen...
...I'm sorry.
As you probably have surmised by now...
...there will be no wedding.
The bride...
...has had second thoughts...
...and has decided...
...not to marry me.
Most of you know me.
Can you blame her?
I won't be seeing most of you
anymore because...
...I'm going to be...
...poor.
I'll miss you.
Now there's a good...
...chance I should go...
...to the hospital.
This has some iodine on it,
so it might hurt a little.
That hurts, I hate it! Stop it!
- Why did you do that?
- Because I hate an infection!
If you'd have just
let me get...
Look, as long as we're here...
Do you promise to love me...
...and obey me?
And be a good boy?
I do.
And do you promise never to put
that stuff on my face again?
I do.
God!
We're going to be great!
We're going to be like...
...one of those poor couples
on the subway who hold hands.
How much is the subway?
Sixty cents. But if you spit,
it's a $500 fine.
Then I won't spit.
Good! None of the best people do.
I'll get a job!
That's what I'll do!
I'll get a job!
I'll work!
God, this'll be great!
- Good! Look how excited he is.
- I'll come home from work.
You'll be ironing.
We'll eat some cheap,
disgusting food.
Stop!
I think we're in trouble.
That is out of the question!
There has never been such a thing
as a working-class Bach!
And there never will be!
Step! Step!
I've reached a decision.
The Bach family must endure.
And not on a subway.
Your children will be
senators, ambassadors.
Perhaps even a president!
You have your 750 million dollars.
All right!
I don't know, Martha.
You don't know?!
- Money has screwed me up my whole life.
- I know!
I've always been rich
and never been happy.
I've always been poor
and usually been happy.
Rubbish! I've always been rich
and I've always been happy.
Would you make me
a tuna fish sandwich?
I'm going to have
a tuna fish sandwich, Martha.
Step.
I demand that you take this money.
I want a decision
and I want it now!
I can't tell you what a lousy
wedding that was, Bitterman.
Bitterman, goodbye.
I'm going.
Goodbye, sir.
It was a pleasure working for you.
Chauffeurs rarely get to laugh.
Thank you.
- Goodbye, Bitterman.
- Goodbye, miss.
Arthur, I'm going!
Open that door, Rockland!
- Ever been on a yacht?
- No, is it wonderful?
It doesn't suck.
I shall never offer you
this money again.
I wish you luck in your poverty.
Excuse me.
What happened?
I turned her down.
She invited us for dinner
and I said...
...we're having a tuna fish sandwich.
So I turned her down.
I took the money, I mean,
I'm not crazy!
Do you want to double your salary?
- Then open that door.
- Right away, sir.
Is that funny?
Where to, sir?
The park. Drive through the park.
You know how I love the park.
- Get in! Step!
- Step!
ARTHUR
NEW YORK