I'm just gonna get some flowers, dear.
I'll be back in 20 minutes.
It's tulip season today.
I'm so happy.
- Son of the bitch.
- Come on, sweetie.
Come on, sweetie.
Excuse me.
Yes, come on.
Come on, now.
Go for a little ride,
then you can whiz all over the city.
Go for a ride.
Come on. Come on, sweetie.
No! Freeze, freeze.
Leg down. Leg down. Leg down.
Leg down. That's it.
That's it. Come on, now.
No! You monkey-eared son of...
You have pissed your last floor.
I bet you wish you were a real...
You dog-eared monkey.
This is New York.
If you can make it here,
you can make it anywhere.
You ugly, smelly...
AS GOOD AS IT GETS
Verdell?
Verdell?
Where's my good doggie?
Verdell?
Come here, sweetheart.
- Mr. Udall?
- Yes?
- Have you seen Verdell?
- What does he look like?
My dog, you know...
My dog with the little face,
little adorable face.
Don't you know what my dog looks like?
I got it.
- You were talking about your dog.
- Yeah.
I thought it was the name of that colored man
that I've been seeing in the halls.
Which color was that?
Like thick molasses with a broad nose.
Perfect for smelling trouble
and prison food.
Frank!
- Yu have got to get dressed.
- Frank Sachs. Melvin Udall.
How are you doing?
Frank shows my work, Mr. Udall.
I think you know that.
People are gonna start coming.
Please.
What I know is as long as you keep
your work zipped up around me,
I don't give a rat crap what or where
you shove you show.
Are we done being neighbors for now?
- Let me talk to you for a minute.
- No, no, no. Not worth it.
Definitely not worth it.
Verdell must be in the apartment.
Okay.
Hope you find him.
Love that dog.
You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.
One, two, three, four, five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Hot! Hot, hot, hot!
- Hi, Carl.
- Frank.
- So, where is he?
- He's here, isn't he? He lives here.
Take it easy.
He just had a little thing with the dog.
- It's not such a hot-looking dog.
- He's adorable.
Where are you going, Frank?
Who buys more than me?
My honey, where have you been?
Look at my boy! Look at him!
- I found him, Mr. Bishop.
- I know you did. We know you did.
Where was my little baby?
Where was my baby?
In the basement garbage bin,
eating diaper shit.
- Go ahead, John. You earned your fun.
- I'm sorry. It just struck me as funny.
Wait.
How did he get down in the basement?
I mean, even if he got in the elevator...
Maybe some nice neighbor shoved him
down the garbage chute.
"Somewhere in the dark, she confessed,
and he had forgiven."
"This is what you live for, he said."
"Two heads on a pillow,
where all is approval."
"There is only the safety of
being with each other."
"How she wondered, could she find such
hope in the most shameful part of her?"
- Mr. Udall!
- "At last, she was able to define love."
"Love was..."
Mr. Udall, I'd like to speak to you, please.
Let me do this by myself.
- "Love was..."
- Are you in there?
Son of a bitch!
bne kl homo!
Pansy ass stool pusher!
Yes!
Maybe this can wait.
I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.
Well, that's a load off.
Did you do something to him?
Do you realize that I work at home?
No. I wasn't aware.
Do you like to be interrupted when
you're nancing around in your little garden?
No, no. I actually will turn the
ringer off on my phone.
- Sometimes put a piece of cardboard...
- I work all the time.
So never, never interrupt me.
Okay?
Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear
the sound of a thud from my home.
One week later, there's a smell coming from
there that can only be a decaying human body.
You have to hold a hankie to your face because
the stench that you think you're gonna faint.
Even then, don't come knocking.
If it's election night, and you're
excited and you want to celebrate
because some fudge-packer was elected
the first queer president of the US
and he's going to have you down
to Camp David,
and you want someone to share
the moment with.
Even then, don't knock.
Not on this door.
Not for any reason.
Do you get me sweetheart?
Yes. It's not a subtle point
that you're making.
Okay, then.
So, the theory of confrontation says now
he'll think twice before messing with me.
"Love was..."
What was love?
"Love was..."
Now I'm pissed.
Now I am really pissed!
Don't touch!
Don't touch!
Shut up!
You can intimidate the whole world with
your attitude, but you don't intimidate me.
I grew up in hell, homeboy.
My grandmother had more attitude.
Police!
Doughnut munching morons!
Help me! Help me!
Shut up!
Assault and battery and you're black!
I like Simon! I like him enough
to batter you unrecognizable
if you verbally abuse him or so much
as touch that dog again.
Meantime, I'm gonna think of some
way that you can make it up to him.
I hate doing this!
I'm an art dealer.
Have a nice day.
Party!
Excuse me.
- Don't touch. Don't touch.
- Get a life.
- Hey, watch it!
- Don't touch!
- Look at you. You're all better.
- It's that new medication.
So you know all my son's stuff, right?
No, no, no, no. I got a date tonight.
I'm walking out the door.
He says to me:
"Mom, I promise not to get one of
my fevers or coughs during your date."
- Isn't that sweet?
- Little blonde angel.
I said, "you love me the way
you love your remote control."
"As long as I switch every time you
press one of my buttons."
- That's great.
- I know, yeah.
I think people that talk in metaphors
ought to shampoo my crotch.
- Eat up!
- Good.
- Stay there. I've got your money.
- No, you pay me next week.
No, I owe you. I told you today.
That's the rule.
- Excuse me, Melvin.
- Don't...
- There you go. You take care.
- Thank you.
Pardon. Pardon me.
Take the money.
Debts make me crazy.
This way you take a cab home so
you have time to get ready for the date.
Ready is not my problem.
I'm starving.
Sit down. You know you're
not allowed back here.
Spence is more excited by it than I am.
He says, "Mom, I promise not to get
a fever or cough during your date."
Sometimes, this kid,
you just wanna...
- I've got Jews at my table.
- It's not your table.
It's the place's table. Behave.
This once, you can sit
at someone else's station.
Or you can wait your turn.
How much more you got to eat?
Appetites aren't as big
as your noses, huh?
- What?
- That's it. Forget it.
- Let me talk to him.
- I don't care how long he's been coming.
- Let's go.
- I'm gonna give him one more chance.
- Barred for life.
- Here I go! Here I go!
- They left.
- Yeah, what do you know?
Bryan says he doesn't care how
long you've been coming.
You ever act like this again,
you're barred for life.
I'm gonna miss the excitement,
but I'll handle it.
Three eggs over easy.
Two sausages, six strips of bacon
with fries.
- Fries today?
- A short stack.
Coffee with cream and sweetener.
You're gonna die soon with that diet,
you know that.
We're all gonna die soon.
I' will, you will, and it sure
sounds like your son will.
If you ever mention my son again,
you will never be able to eat here again.
Do you understand?
Give me some sign you understand,
or leave now.
Do you understand me,
you crazy fuck?
Do you?
Yeah. Yes.
I'll get your order.
I wan't you wear my earrings tonight.
It's just so interesting what you said
at dinner. You said it like it was nothing.
- Where's the bedroom?
- The truth is... This is sort of it.
I sort of sleep in here.
Don't worry about it.
What?
I don't know.
Grandma! Grandma!
Maybe you'd better check.
What'd you think I was gonna do?
- I'm sorry.
- Mom!
I was hearing everything that
you were doing, so
I put these on to give you privacy.
- So how was dinner?
- Hi, pal.
- How's your friend?
- You okay?
- Not bad.
- You got a temperature?
Scootch over.
- Where did your friend take you to eat?
- Nice place.
Carol, I have him.
- One more spit.
- I said I have him. He's waiting.
- Go.
- She has me.
- Okay, pal. Give me a hug.
- Carol.
- Give me a big hug.
- Carol, I have him.
I'm okay, mom.
She has me. Go.
Close the curtains.
No, no, no. You can't smoke.
He can't take smoke.
Magic.
God. Well, that'll teach you.
I don't even notice it anymore.
All right. Come here.
It's all right. You don't have to get that
embarrassed. It's a little bit of throw-up.
Little bit of throw-up?
What should we do?
Want me to write down which trains you
take to get home, or you wanna lay down
No, no. I'll take a cab.
Just a little too much reality
for a Friday night.
I just can't. I promised Simon
I'd find him a model.
Carl, take me off the speaker. Did I
tell you that these are house seats?
Come on. You could use a break.
Hello? Carl? You there?
Okay.
I just found a model.
Hey, boys!
Hey, look! I know this guy.
He even brought me dinner.
Carl, right?
Hey, what's going on?
- Hey, hi, remember?
- I only need one.
You picked me up, maybe a few weeks,
I don't know, sometime ago.
But this is for a portrait.
I need a pretty face.
Portrait?
Come here. I'll give you the address.
It's for tomorrow morning.
- Brad Pitt. It's the shit.
- Do you read?
Who is it, baby?
Who is that, Verdell?
Who is that?
I'm sorry. I told you today.
I was out in the studio doing my work,
and I just...
It's out here.
- You sure have great things.
- Gershwin. He's great, isn't he?
I usually make such a big deal about
picking models, but Carl is so thorough.
I bet he drove you nuts
checking your resume, huh?
This is not a nude.
Just kidding around.
So much for love.
And yet another pose.
Exactly what is your previous
experience?
How about that?
I'm running out of ideas here.
Well, then give me some
direction, ok?
Nothing. I just watch until
something strikes me.
I mean, do anything that you think of.
Wait for me to say, "hold that pose,"
and then just try to comfortably hold it.
No direction.
Okay.
What I do is, I watch.
You ever watch somebody who
doesn't know that you're watching them.
An old woman sitting on a bus,
or kids going to school
or somebody just waiting. And
you see this flash come over them,
and you know immediately that it has
nothing to do with anything external.
Because that hasn't changed.
And when you see it, they're just sort
of "realer" and they're more alive.
I mean, you look at someone long enough,
you discover their humanity.
No, no. I know exactly
what you mean.
Oh, my God.
Hold it.
Hey, look out!
Excuse me.
So I went in, and I got on
the third line of dialogue.
And all of a sudden, I blanked.
I had no clue as to what the next line was.
Clippity-clop, clippity-clop.
Ignores me.
- So he said to me, ''Last chance.''
- Last chance.
- So i came back in.
- Here she comes to ignore me again.
I messed up in the exact same line.
I know. But guess what?
What?
He cast me!
Just what the world needs.
Another actress.
Okay. Okay.
Can't live without me?
I'm finally going to ask. All right.
What's with the plastic picnic ware?
Why don't you try ours?
Are you afraid it isn't clean?
I see the help. It's a judgment call.
So give yourself a little pep talk:
''Must try other people's clean silverware
as part of the fun of dining out.
- What's wrong with your son?
- What do you care?
He's got to fight to breathe.
His asthma can just shoot off the charts.
He's allergic to dust,
and this is New York,
so his immune system bails on him
whenever there's trouble, so an ear infection
- ls this bothering you?
- No.
An ear infection, whatever, sends us
to the emergency room five, six times a month,
where I get whatever nine year-old
they just made a doctor.
Nice chatting with you.
- His name?
- Spencer.
Okay.
Spence.
Puppy. It's okay.
Go on. Go on.
You can put on anything you want now.
I might be sort of done here.
I've been coming here for two weeks,
and all we've done is work. Let's play!
- So you're practically finished?
- Yeah. There is one more stage.
Where are you going?
No place.
I was just gonna sneak a peek.
- Verdell, you want some chocolate?
- No. He's not allowed.
Wait! I gotta take off. Do you
wanna say good-bye or anything?
Yeah.
- He's just got to go. One second.
- No, wait.
I'm gonna look at the painting,
all right?
Where are you going, sweetheart?
Verdell?
Want some water?
What is the matter with you? Come on.
You want some water?
Simon, wait!
Why are you doing this?
No, no, wait, wait...
- That painting in there...
- What are you doing, cruising him?
Excuse me.
- Help me!
- We gotta go! Come on!
Come on.
Okay, so you call 911
and don't leave your name?
That's right. Yes.
- Even a dumb geezer should know...
- Just move on. No one was killed.
- Is he dead?
- Ask him.
What's wrong with you?
Don't bark at me.
I didn't name you.
We will. And if we can't, we'll come
back and ask you again and again.
Hey, what are you trying to
intimidate me with that attitude?
I come from hell. My grandmother's
got more attitude than you.
Go shake down a 7-11
for a day-old wiener.
It's just a matter of time, sir.
There's a painting of one of the
guys in here.
Get some tape on it.
I've been praying for him
since I heard.
So, anyway, I'm on my way
to the hospital.
If you could just watch the dog.
Just for tonight.
- No, no.
- No?
- No. I'm sorry.
- Okay. Thanks.
Old bitch. Damn dog.
You're taking him.
Yes! Yes, you are!
Get the hell out of the way!
You're taking him.
This will even the books.
One night.
Wait, wait. Wait!
You wanna say "no" to me?
You wanna say "no" to me?
I don't want to say nothing to you.
Because I've never felt this crazy
as I do right now.
I almost want you to say "no."
Thanks for looking after him.
Hey! Where are you going?
You can't do this!
You don't wanna mess with
me today.
I can't take a dog.
Nobody's ever been in here before!
Hey, Frank.
Frank.
One, two, three, four.
You're dead.
We don't have no dog food here.
We don't want no dog food here.
You'll eat what we got.
What we eat.
Don't you do anything!
Where's the trust?
Never a break. Never. Dogs.
Always look at the bright side
of your life
Always look at the lighter side
of your life
God!
We're not gonna sell anything if they
find out we're halfway through a show
and we haven't sold
a single painting!
No, we can't reduce the price
at this stage!
- I'm in a free fall here. Yes?
- We can see him.
Okay.
I'll meet you in there.
I'll meet you in there, okay?
One minute.
Thank you.
No, i'm here.
- How are you doing, great one?
- I haven't looked at myself yet.
I figured
I could tell from your reaction.
- That bad?
- Okay. I talked to the doctor and...
Shit!
Okay. It's not that bad.
I talked to the doctors, they say you're
gonna be your old self in a couple weeks.
I mean the scars here might
take a little... Oh, shit!
- Jackie.
- Yes?
- Can you hand me a mirror, please?
- No.
Wait. I have a smaller one.
So how are things, anyway?
How is Verdell?
Your neighbor, Mr. Udall
taking care of him.
How could you that?
- He'll hurt him.
- No, Simon. I promise.
Not a chance. I own this guy.
Besides, there was nobody else.
I'm always on the move and...
Trust me.
You are very certain my dog is okay,
because you have no idea...
Yes, your dog is fine, Simon.
Okay.
Waiting gives the devil time.
Oh, my!
Where did I go?
- That's your dog?
- No. No.
What are you doing with a dog?
Suckered in, set up, pushed around.
You're not worried someone
might take it?
No, not until now, for christ sake.
- Sorry.
- I'm going to sit here.
- Hey, puppy.
- He's cute.
I love his little face.
It's so cute.
I wonder what breed he is.
He's a little dog. Next time if Bryan's
not here, you can bring him in.
How old are you?
If I was gonna guess by your eyes,
I'd say you were 50.
If I went by your eyes,
I'd say you were kind.
So much for eyes, but as long as
you bring up age, how old are you?
- No, no.
- You brought it up.
I'm curious.
You brought it up.
In other words, not that you're ugly.
That's not what I'm saying.
Easy, easy, pal.
I can take the compliment.
But my knees start knocking when
you turn on the charm full blast.
No, but I mean, what's with the dark?
Dawn patrol.
Major dawn patrol.
My son had a full-blown attack.
And this time, for extra fun,
they gave us the wrong antibiotics.
- So I get him home...
- No, no!
The dog.
It's bacon for the dog.
Last week I was playing the piano
for him. And he likes it.
So I decide
I'm going to make a little joke.
So, you're all set here?
I think it's a beautiful day for our
walk today. Very nice.
Look at that!
Look at him!
I gotta give you something. I gotta
give you something real good, too.
I'm gonna show it to you.
Come on, buddy.
Don't be like me.
Dont you be like me.
You stay just the way you are,
because you are a perfect man,
and I'm gonna take you home
and get you something to eat.
What you love, you hear me?
I'd like to be treated like that.
Yes!
Let's go home and do some writing.
''He had made the girl happy.
And what a girl.''
''You've saved my life, she said.''
''You'd better make it up to me.''
Done! Done!
Yes, I hate the doggie.
We have to cut back expenses
every place we can.
- He has no medical insurance?
- No.
Let me see these are the food receipts.
Here are the household expenses.
Here's one for the dog again.
- I can read it. I got it.
- I can't see it. Here you go.
- All the laundry and the cleaners.
- Okay, good.
Boy, look at that? He likes it.
He likes it at Chez Melvin.
What are you coming over here for?
I told you to sit here.
I can't cook with a dog near me.
Okay, just sit. Good.
We don't want any company.
I'll read you a little Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Okay, have it your way.
- How's Verdell doing?
- He's a pain in the ass.
Simon's home.
I was sort of hoping you can keep the dog
until he's had a chance to think and adjust.
Well, it's been weeks and weeks.
A few more won't matter.
No. He definitely wants him back
right away. He'll be by tomorrow.
Okay.
Okay by me.
Hungry?
Be right with you, pooch.
One, two, three, four, five.
I'm okay.
Mr. Udall.
Some face they left hanging on you.
You look like...
Could you take it...
...just a little easy, Mr. Udall?
Thank you.
Verdell.
Come here, my beautiful boy.
Come here. Come here, boy.
Let's go home and get well.
You can't blame him for being weird.
Have a look at yourself in the mirror.
Thank you.
Come on, sweetheart.
Verdell, come here.
Come here, boy.
I know what you want.
Come on.
Where's my boy?
No, don't force him.
Over a dog!
Over an ugly dog.
Worst sidewalk in New York.
Look where they put it.
FIFT AVENUE
PSYCHIATRIC GROUP
Hi.
Help!
If you want to see me, you will not
do this. You will make an appointment.
Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone
as an obsessive-compulsive disorder
and then act as though I had some
choice about barging in.
There's not going to be a debate.
You must leave.
You said you could help me!
What was that? A tease?
I can help you if you take responsibility
to keep regular appointment.
- You changed the room around.
- Two years ago.
I also regrew my beard, but you're
not interested in changes in me.
I don't have this mountain of available time.
I have to get to my restaurant on time.
Do you know how hard it was
for me to come here?
Yes.
No, we're not doing this now.
I changed just one pattern,
as you always said I should.
No. Nope.
What if this is as good as it gets?
What the heck are those for?
No, no, no. Get Carol.
I'm filling in.
We don't know if she's coming back.
You know, I think she might be
getting a job closer to home.
- Why plastic?
- What are you trying to do to me?
- What the heck do you mean?
- Look, elephant girl.
Just go get Carol or something.
Just have her do my one meal here.
You know, I'll pay whatever you want.
I'll wait.
Do it!
- Bryan. Code blue.
- No.
Out! Just shut up and get out.
Do it!
I'll be quiet.
Just let me stay here. No problem.
Go get Carol.
Get her here.
I'm not a prick. You are.
I'm not judging. I'm a great customer.
This day has been a disaster.
- I'm not sure if I can handle this too.
- Get out!
Get out immediately, or there's gonna
be trouble. Man, I mean it.
Okay.
See you. Bye.
It's about time.
Carol's last name?
- Connelly.
- Thank you.
- Does he visit often?
- Not really. Not any more.
What can you do?
Hello.
I'm hungry.
You've ruined my whole day.
I haven't eaten.
- What are you doing here?
- This is not a sexist thing.
If you were a waiter, I'd...
Are you totally gone?
This is my private home.
I'm trying to keep emotion out of this
even though it's an important issue to me.
And I have very strong feelings
on the subject.
What subject?
That I wasn't there to take crap
from you and bring you eggs?
Do you have any control over how
creepy you allow yourself to get?
Yes, I do.
As a matter of fact.
And to prove it, I have not gotten
personal, and you have.
Why aren't you at work?
Are you sick?
You don't look sick.
Just tired and bitter.
My son is sick, okay?
What about your mother?
- How do you know about my mother?
- I hear you talking while I wait.
- Mom, I finished my juice.
- I'm sorry, honey. One sec.
Mom!
How are you doing?
You should answer someone
when they speak to you.
I'm sorry, Melvin. That's it. I cannot
handle you teaching my son manners!
Back to life.
What's wrong?
Five one-thousand, four one-thousand,
three one-thousand, two one-thousand, bingo.
We're gonna treat ourselves
to a cab ride.
Look out, you guys.
Coming through. Look out.
Look out, you guys.
We're okay. We're okay.
Melvin! Wait!
Melvin! Wait!
Shut up, kids!
- Give us a lift, would you, Melvin?
- Yeah. Okay.
Cover your mouth when you cough, kid.
Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital, please.
And quickly, please!
- Hospital?
- Yes.
- Any chance you'll be back at work today?
- No! Stay away from me! God!
Simon, we can't put this off any longer.
I feel terrible that I have to...
Simon.
Simon, could you just leave
the dog for a second?
Sorry.
- What are those cards?
- Frank's idea.
He thought I should have notes
so I did this right.
Maintained focus, didn't get emotional
and tried not to terrify you.
See? He's right.
I need the cards.
SIMON, YOU'RE BROKE
Simon, you're broke.
The medical bills are 61,000 now.
And the show didn't go well.
CONVINCE HIM TO ASK PARENTS FOR HELP.
I've spoken to your parents.
They didn't hang up or anything.
But, they said they would feel
strange about calling you.
I can't call them.
Come here, baby.
Come here, baby.
Verdell? What's wrong?
You miss the tough guy?
Well, here I am, sweetheart.
Happy to see me, you little
pissant mop?
How about another ride down the chute?
God. I'm sorry. I did not mean that.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Simon.
- I didn't mean that, sweetheart.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'll be able to keep my apartment
and the studio, won't I?
Oh, my God!
Yes, you write more than everybody else.
Yes, you make us a lot of money.
- But I think it's more appropriate...
- Look, look.
I need this.
Just say, "Melvin, I'll try." Okay?
- Melvin, I'll try.
- Thank you.
Now, on a pleasanter note, my son,
he just got accepted to Brown.
My husband was dying.
Yeah. Good, nice, thrilled, exciting.
You don't have to wait with me.
I can't resist.
You usually move through
here so quickly,
and I just have so many questions
I wanna ask you.
You have no idea what your work
means to me.
What does it mean to you?
That somebody out there knows
what it's like to be in here.
God, this is like a nightmare.
Come on. Just a couple of questions.
How hard is that?
How do you write women so well?
I think of a man.
And I take away reason
and accountability.
- Mom!
- In here, Mrs. Connelly.
- What?
- Hi.
- What? Please, just tell me.
- I'm Martin...
- Please, just tell me!
- I'm Martin Bettes. Dr. Bettes.
Not your name! What are you telling
me your name for? Where is he?
He's in the bathroom.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
Do you know there are doctors
come to your house?
- No, i didn't.
- I'm home.
- So what are you doing here?
- Well...
I didn't know that you had
a secret admirer.
- What?
- You met the gift.
He's good.
I'm an expert on doctors.
Okay, doctor.
My wife is
Melvin Udall's publisher.
She said I was to take excellent
care of this little guy
because you are urgently needed
back at work. That's what she told me.
- What kind of work do you do?
- I'm a waitress.
- In Manhattan.
- Dr. Bettes?
Yeah. Terry. Excuse me.
I'm sorry it took so long.
I don't know Brooklyn.
I couldn't find it either.
Could you get this to the lab?
Tell them I need C.B.C. differential,
platelets, the whole thing.
- And I want it back today.
- Okay.
I'm sorry. Did you say you're
gonna get the results back today?
Sure.
Let's sit down.
These are the receipts,
from all the prescriptions
from the beginning of the year.
- Don't forget the calendar.
- Yeah. And this is a calendar of days...
and how he felt and what he's been eating.
- That's good, that's very good.
- How long has he had the problem?
- Since forever. Six months old.
- Have they done blood tests on him?
- Yeah.
Only in the emergency room,
or when he was well?
- Emergency room only.
- Okay.
- How about skin testing for allergies?
- No.
No standard scratch test?
They poke them with a needle.
No, I asked.
They said my plan didn't cover it and
that it wasn't necessary anyways.
- Why? Should I have?
- Well.
Fucking HMO bastard pieces of shit!
I'm sorry.
It's okay. Actually, I think
that's their technical name.
So, once the tests come back,
is there someone in your office
we should talk to to get the results, or
Me.
My home number is on the card.
That's his home number.
- What?
- It's your home...
Can we get you anything else?
Do you want some water or some coffee?
No, thank you.
A couple of female slaves?
Mrs. Connelly, there's still a lot of
tests I need to do...
a lot of things I have to find out here.
But look, whatever I find out,
I promise you at the very least
from now on your son is gonna
feel a great deal better, okay?
Doc!
Fine. Okay, okay.
That's good.
So, you gotta let me know about the
additional costs.
One way or another we'll...
The costs are gonna be
considerable, I'm afraid.
But don't worry.
But Mr. Udall wants to be billed.
That's wonderful.
Anyway, dear.
Thank you for everything, Nora.
Forgive my recent crankiness.
I'll call when things get back
on track, okay?
Hijole.
- What's wrong?
- Who's going to walk Verdell?
Oh, no.
No!
- Is he dead yet?
- No.
Would there be any way that you would
be willing to walk his dog for him?
- Absolutely.
- You're a wonderful man.
Two o'clock would be a good time.
Here is the key in case he's asleep.
Open his curtains for him
so he can see God's beautiful work.
And he'll know that even things
like this happen for the best.
Where did they teach you to talk like this?
In some Panama city sailor
"wanna hump-hump" bar?
Or is this getaway day
and your last shot at his whiskey?
Sell crazy someplace else.
We're all stocked up here.
No! No, no!
There is a seriously goofy man
behind this!
You're not allowed to block out that man!
Do you really want to go back to emergency
where those runt doctors
keep telling us that they can't help?
This lets a crazy man into our lives.
Let's not fight. You know how
this will turn out. Come on!
You know how this will turn out.
This is not like stockings.
It's not like a string of pearls.
You don't send this one back.
Right?
No. I do, I understand.
Listen. I have to go, okay?
FRIENDS TO ASK FOR MONEY
No. Okay.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
What a day.
Come here, come here.
Maybe I'll bring him some food by.
Thank you for walking him.
- Excuse me, I'm not feeling so well.
- This place smells like shit.
Go away.
- This cleaning lady doesn't...
- Please, just leave!
What happened to your queer
party friends?
Get out of here!
There's nothing worse than having
to feel this way in front of you.
Nellie.
Your a disgrace to depression.
- Rot in hell, Melvin.
- No need to stop being a lady.
Quit worrying.
You'll be back on your knees in no time.
Is this fun for you?
You lucky devil, it just keeps getting
better and better, doesn't it?
I'm losing my apartment, Melvin.
Frank wants me to beg my parents,
who haven't called me, for help.
And I won't.
And I don't want to paint anymore.
So the life that I was trying for is over.
The life that I had is gone,
and I'm feeling so damn sorry for
myself that it's difficult to breathe.
It's high times for you, isn't it, Melvin?
The gay neighbor is terrified.
Terrified!
I was just trying to give you a boost.
Lucky you.
You're here for Rock Bottom.
You absolute horror
of a human being.
The one thing I'll do for you,
I might cheer you up.
Get out.
You wanna know why that dog
prefers me? It's not affection.
It's a trick.
I keep bacon in my pocket.
See?
My Gosh.
We'll both call him. You'll see.
It's a trick.
Okay?
Come here, Verdell.
Come here.
Come on.
- Come here. Come here, baby.
- No.
It's okay. Come here.
Just a stupid dog.
Could you leave now?
Please?
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
Mr. Udall!
- Carol the waitress?
- Yes.
The doctors gave me your building address.
I'm sorry about the hour.
If you are...
- if you're worried about thanking me...
- That's not why I'm here.
Though you have no idea
what it's like to...
have a real conversation
with a doctor about Spencer.
Note. Put it in a note.
- I have a hairdryer.
- Why did you do this for me?
So you'd come back to work
and wait on me.
Do you have some idea
how strange that sounds?
I'm worried you did this be...
Are you waiting for me
to say something?
Look...
I'll be at the restaurant tomorrow.
I don't think this can wait until tomorrow.
I need to clear this up now.
Clear what up?
I'm not going to sleep with you.
I will never sleep with you.
Never, ever.
Not ever!
I'm sorry, but...
...we don't open
for the no-sex oaths until 9 a.m.
- I'm not kidding.
- Anything else?
Just... thank you.
So you will be at work tomorrow?
Yes.
''Never'', she said.
''Never'', she said.
I took a chance you were up.
I brought you some Chinese soup.
Thanks.
I've never been this tired
in my life.
I haven't been sleeping.
I haven't been clear in my head
or felt like myself.
I'm in trouble.
It's not just the tiredness.
- Boy.
- Sick.
- Nauseous.
- Sleepy.
Where everything looks distorted,
and everthing inside just kind of aches.
And you can barely find the will
to complain.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm glad we did this.
Good talking to you.
You are not still writing that
Thank-you note?
I'm on the last page.
How do you spell "conscience"?
C-O-N-S-C-I-E-N-C-E.
Look, I got Sean from the bakery to
baby-sit so we could go out.
I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer
with someone.
- Could you spell that again, please?
- Spencer's okay.
You better start finding something else
to do with your free time.
- Sean, are you hungry?
- Yeah.
All right.
We got pizza.
Carol and I are going out.
Sausage, pepperoni. You wanna
make this later for you and Spencer?
We are going out, like people do.
If you can't feel good about
this break and step out a little,
then i think you ought to have Mr. Udall
send you over a psychiatrist.
I don't need one, because
I know what's really going on here.
I gotta finish this letter, or I'll go nuts.
This can't be right.
"Con-science"?
Carol!
What?
It's very weird not feeling that...
...stupid panic thing inside me
all the time.
Without that, I just start
thinking about myself and...
what good
does that ever get anybody?
Today on the bus
there was this adorable couple.
And I felt myself...
...giving them a dirty look.
I just had no idea everything was...
Go ahead.
Moving in the wrong direction.
Away from a time...
when I remembered what it was like
to have a man to do anything.
Hold fucking.
- Sorry.
- No, it's okay.
Hands with, for christ sake!
I felt almost really bad
that Dr. Bettes is married.
Which is probably why I make poor Spencer
hug me more than he wants to.
The poor kid doesn't have
enough problems.
He has to make up for his mom
not getting any.
- Who needs these thoughts?
- So, what are you saying?
- That you're frustrated?
- Leave me be!
Why are you doing this?
What is it you want?
I hope getting me thinking about
everything that's wrong,
when all I want to do is not do that,
has some purpose.
Really, Mom, what is it you want?
- What?
- I want us to go out.
Okay.
- Thank you.
- Now I gotta send you a thank-you note.
Look, Evelyn's here, and her giant Joey.
That's why you brought me here?
That's really why you brought me here?
Well, it's not even mine.
This guy Simon seems to have
enough on his mind.
But the dog did throw up twice last night
and his bark is off.
- Well, take him to the vet.
- I did.
They say his stomach's out of whack.
- They need him for a couple of days.
- Well, do it! What...
Sorry.
- Excuse me. This is for later.
- What's this?
- It's a note.
- A note?
- Yeah, it's a thank-you note.
- Thank-you note? No, no, no.
- You can read it later.
- No, no, thank you.
No, thank-you note. No, no.
Thank you. Thank you.
She's nice.
Evet.
- Realy nice, huh?
- Really nice.
Shouldn't that be a good thing,
telling somebody, "no thanks required"?
Sure looks like it went over, too.
Look at you.
You're sure making the rounds.
Simon says you brought him soup last night.
- What?
- Look at you. You think I'm a mark.
You helped with the dog.
Now, there's other things.
Hey, I'm as concerned about
Simon as you are.
- Concerned?
- It's not just financial assistance.
He's gotta get to Baltimore to ask
his parents for money tomorrow.
Well, yeah.
I mean, if his parents are alive,
they have to help. It's the rules.
- Good! That's great.
- Absolutely.
Let them help him.
Only...
...I got a high-maintenance selling painter
coming through, so I'm out.
- Can you drive him?
- Think white and get serious!
Take my car? A convertible.
- Do you drive?
- Like the wind. But I'm not doing it!
Getting loud. Getting loud.
He wants me to take his car
and his client to Baltimore.
I want your life for one minute, where
my big problem is somebody offers me
a free convertible
so I can get out of this city.
- Go ahead, girl.
- Okay. I'll do it.
I'll take him. I'll take him.
Yeah, get him ready, packed.
Tomorrow morning I'll take him. Okay.
I'll take him.
Fine. Okay.
All right.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Let's not drag this out.
We don't enjoy one another that much.
If there is some mental health foundation
that raises money for people like you...
please be sure to let me know.
- Last-word freak.
- Bye-bye.
Good luck, lady.
- So anything else?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna give my queer neighbor
a lift to Baltimore.
- Okay.
- Hey.
What I did for you,
It's working out?
What you did changed my life.
No!
No. No thank-you note.
Well, part of what I said in this
entire history of my life,
which you won't read,
is that somehow you have done
more for my mother, my son
and me than anybody else ever has.
I'm just going to read you
this part of it.
"And that makes you the most important,
surprising, generous person"
"i ever met in my life."
"And that you're gonna be in our prayers,
our daily prayers, forever."
Lovely.
I also wrote one part...
I'm just gonna say, I wrote, "I'm sorry."
I was talking about how I was sorry
when I got mad at you for
when you came over, and you told my son
that he oughta answer back.
So i wrote that I was sorry about that.
I wrote I was sorry for busting you on that
and I'm sorry for busting in on you that night
...when I said I was never...
I was sorry. And I'm sorry
for every time your food was cold,
and that you had to wait
two seconds for a coffee filler.
I'm sorry for never spotting right there
at the table in the restaurant,
the human being that had it in him
to do this things for us.
I'll just, you know what,
I'm just gonna start from the beginning.
''I have not been able to express
my gratefulness to you.''
"Even as I look at the word 'grateful' now,"
"it doesn't begin to tell you what I feel."
That's nice of you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now I want you
to do something for me.
I'm sorry. Didn't I say ''what''?
I thought I said, "what"?
- What?
- I want you to go on this trip.
- No, sir.
- I can't do this without you.
I'm afraid he might pull
the stiff one-eye on me.
I need you to chaperone.
Separate everything but cars.
You said you liked convertibles.
Now I'm on the hook.
- I'm sorry, "the stiff one-eye"?
- Two days.
- I can't. I work.
- You get off when you want to.
- My son.
- Bettes said he's doing fine.
- Melvin, I'd rather not.
- What has that got to do with it?
- Funny, I thought it was a strong point.
- Write a note. Ain't she sweet.
I need a hand, and where'd she go?
Are you saying accepting
your help obligates me?
ls there any other way to see it?
No.
Here's a little suitcase.
Shocked that it's being used.
There's no way to pack
for this trip.
- Alo?
- You're still coming, aren't you?
Yes.
Melvin, I would like to know
exactly where we are going.
Just south of Baltimore, Maryland.
I know what you're gonna say next.
I mean, I think I know.
I'm not sure, but I think so.
There's no need for me to bring
anything dressy?
I didn't know if we were gonna be eating
in any restaurants that have dress codes?
Maybe...
- Yes. Yes, let's! Let's.
- Okay, got you.
- What did you think I was gonna ask?
- Whether crabs were in season there now.
Okay, then. Goodnight.
- Anything unusual in the dog's diet?
- No.
- Everybody gets their own cage?
- Certainly.
Okay. Put him in with that one, not that one.
Builds his confidence, huh?
Lip kiss.
I love you. I'll miss you.
Hey! Real sensitive.
- Bye.
- Call me when you get settled.
- Don't worry, mom. Have good time!
- No, don't, don't run.
- Have fun! Don't worry!
- Don't run. No, no.
- No, no. Have fun, but don't run.
- Grandma will take care of me! Bye!
- Sorry I'm not taking you myself, Simon.
- So am I, Frank.
Give me a hug.
- Everything's gonna be okay, all right?
- Yeah.
Soak it up.
It's your last chance
for a hug for a few days.
Hello.
Thank you for being on time.
Carol the waitress. Simon the fag.
Holy God. Who did that to you?
I was attacked.
I walked in on some men robbing me.
And I was hospitalized.
- I almost died.
- Let's do the small talk in the car.
Let's go.
- I was gonna do that for you.
- It's all right. Where should we sit?
- There's no place cards or anything.
- That's all right.
You need all the room
you can manage.
So I'll sit in the back.
Never a break. Never.
I'm sorry. Thank you for the seat.
That was very thoughtful.
- You look like you're crowded in there.
- It's all right.
Thanks.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I've got the whole trip programmed.
I'm just kidding.
I wanted to see what you'd do.
- No, seriously.
- "- TO USE AS ICEBREAKER"
We've got good stuff here.
I like this music.
I like this music.
Yes, I'm sure, Simon, they did something
really off for you to feel this way,
but when it comes to your parents
or your kid,
something will always be off for you
unless you set it straight.
And maybe this thing happened to you
just to give you a chance to do that.
Nonsense, and you want to know why?
Anybody here who's interested in what
Melvin has to say raise their hand.
Do you want to know what happened
with my parents?
Yes.
- When I was a kid...
- Wait, wait.
I'm gonna pull over,
give you my full attention.
I always painted,
and my mother always encouraged it.
I mean, she was really sort of fabulous
about it actually.
And she used to I was too young to think
there was anything wrong with it,
and she was, she was very natural.
So she used to pose nude for me.
And I always thought or I guess
I assumed that my father knew about it.
- This stuff is pointless.
- Hey! Let him finish, please.
You like sad stories?
You wanna hear mine?
Stop!
Go ahead, really.
Please don't let him stop you.
One day he walked in and he found us,
and he just, he started screaming.
My father didn't come out of
his room for 11 years.
He used to hit me on the hands
with a yardstick
if I made a mistake playing the piano.
Go ahead, Simon. So you said he came in
your room, and he was yelling?
Please, come on.
He was...
Yeah, I know he was...
I remember I was defending my mother,
I was trying to make peace
in the lamest way.
I said,
''She's not naked. It's art.''
And he started hitting me.
He beat me unconscious.
And he talked to me less and less
after that.
He knew what I was before I did.
The morning I left for college
he walked into my room.
He held out his hand.
And it was filled with money.
A big sweaty wad of money.
And he said, ''I don't want you
to ever come back.''
I just grabbed him
and I hugged him.
And he turned and walked out.
We all have these terrible stories
to get over, and you...
It's not true.
Some of us have great stories,
pretty stories,
that take place at lakes with boats
and friends and noodle salad.
Just no one in this car.
But a lot of people that's their story.
Good times, noodle salad.
What makes it so hard is not that
you had it bad,
but that you're that pissed
that so many others had it good.
- No! I don't think so.
- Not it at all, really.
Not it at all?
Okay.
Let's go to the hotel.
Tomorrow you'll see if you can get another
big wad of sweaty money out of his hand.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
You ever get an erection
over a woman?
Melvin.
I mean, wouldn't your life be
easier if you weren't...
You consider your life easy?
All right.
I give you that one.
Nice packing.
- Hi.
- Hey, Spence.
- Hey, Mom. Wait till you hear.
- Why are you out of breath?
Mom, I ran over a guy and scored a goal.
- You did?
- Yep. He was big. Charlie, you know!
- That's great!
- Yep, amazing.
- My God, right?
- Yeah.
- Mom, we're playing again. Gotta go.
- Wait, wait. Just tell me...
- He scored a goal.
- Mom, I don't believe it.
- You would've died.
- Yeah.
My son was outside playing soccer.
Come on, take me out for a good time.
Take me out dancing.
Dancing?
- I can't. I'm exhausted.
- Oh, come on.
- No. No.
- Please, come on. Come on.
No.
- All right. You're right.
- Yeah.
- Are you sad or something?
- No, no. I'm nervous.
It would be very rough, Carol,
if you weren't along.
What a nice complient.
I'm happy.
And you're my date.
Let's get dressed.
- I'm going to jump in the shower.
- Okay.
- I'll be right with you.
- Okay.
All set?
Yeah.
- Do you sell hard-shell crabs?
- Yes.
- Do they sell hard-shells?
- Yes.
- Do they sell hard-shells?
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Good evening.
- Hi.
- You have hard-shells, right?
- Stop asking everyone.
Just him. That's all.
Okay, you can answer. We worked it out.
Yes, we do.
- I can give you a tie and jacket.
- What?
They require a tie and jacket,
but we have some available.
Sir.
No. I'm not putting that on.
In case you were gonna ask,
I'm also not going to let you inject
me with the plague, either.
It's such a nice place.
You probably have these dry-cleaned
all the time, don't you?
Actually, I don't think so.
You just wait here.
Excuse me. Thank you.
Good evening.
- I need a coat and tie.
- Come on in.
No.
- No?
- That one.
That one, yeah. And this tie.
Excuse me.
She's here.
We saved a table for you.
Thanks.
- Should I get her for you?
- No, it's all right. I'll just watch.
Madam?
Wait!
You look so sex...
You look great.
You look great.
You want to dance?
I've been thinking about that
since you brought it up before.
- And?
- No.
I don't get this place.
They make me buy a new outfit
and let you in in a housedress.
I don't get it.
What? Wait. No, wait. What?
Where you going? No, why?
I didn't mean it that way.
I mean, you gotta sit down.
You can still give me the dirty look,
just sit down and give it to me.
Pay me a compliment, Melvin.
I need one. Quick.
You have no idea how much
what you just said hurt my feelings.
The mono-minute someone gets that they
need you, they threaten to walk out.
A compliment is something nice
about somebody else.
- Now or never.
- Okay.
And mean it.
Can we order first?
Okay.
Two hard-shell crab dinners!
Pitcher ice-cold beer!
- Baked or fries?
- Fries.
- Fries.
- One baked, one fried.
I'll tell your waiter.
Okay. Now...
I got a real great compliment for you,
and it's true.
I'm so afraid you're about to say
something awful.
Don't be pessimistic.
It's not your style.
Okay. Here I go.
Clearly a mistake.
I've got this what... ailment.
My doctor, a shrink that
I used to go to all the time,
he says that in 50 or 60 percent
of the cases, a pill really helps.
I hate pills.
Very dangerous thing pills.
Hate. I'm using the word "hate"
here about pills. Hate.
My compliment is, that night when you came
over and told me that you would never...
All right, well, you were there.
You know what you said.
My compliment to you is,
the next morning
I started taking the pills.
I don't quite get how that's
a compliment for me.
You make me
want to be a better man.
That's maybe
the best compliment of my life.
Well, maybe I overshot a little,
because I was aiming at just enough
to keep you from walking out.
How's it going with those pills?
Good, I hope, I hope, I hope.
It's little by little.
It's exhausting talking like this.
Exhausting.
Do you ever let a romantic moment make
you do something you know is stupid?
Never.
Here's the trouble with never.
- You don't owe me that.
- That wasn't a payment.
When you first came into breakfast,
when I first saw you,
I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
So, now that your soft,
little underbelly's all exposed.
Tell me,
why did you bring me here?
Well, I...
- That's a personal question.
- Tell me, even if you're scared.
- Scared?
- Tell me why you wanted me here.
It's okay.
If you ask me, I'll say yes.
I...
Well...
There's a lot of reasons.
I thought, maybe if you had sex
with Simon, maybe it would...
What?
- Well, it's just one idea.
- That's why you brought me?
Like I'm a, what,
and I owe you what?
I don't know why I brought you.
It was just one thought that I had.
It came out first. That was
all there was to it. I thought...
you kiss him, me, when you two
seemed to hit it off.
No. Wait, wait. That's, I didn't mean.
Forget what said about Simon.
- I'll never forget you said it.
- It's a mistake.
It was a mistake.
Hello, this is Fred Bishop. And Betty.
Sorry to be unable to take your
call right now.
Please leave a message with all
pertinent information.
- Say, "good-bye".
- Good-bye. - And thank you.
It's Simon.
I'm in town.
Hello?
Folks, you haven't been out later
than 10:00 in your entire lives.
Please pick up the phone.
Really.
Okay, I'm gonna try you in the morning.
I need to see you.
Or at least
get you to answer the phone.
How are you?
- ls this going to be your room?
- Our room.
I don't wanna see him, and he's not
gonna come knocking on your door.
- What happened?
- Don't ask.
- Can you not be so violent?
- I don't think so.
- Do you need help?
- No!
I'm taking a big bath
and ordering a big meal.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints.
I gotta get some new thoughts.
- Why? What are you thinking about?
- How to die, mostly.
Can you believe in our little mix
you're the "good" roommate?
- Good night.
- Good night.
Hold it.
- I have to draw you.
- Ha?
- I have to draw you.
- No, no, no.
Absolutely not. I'm a lot more
shy than people think.
- I give off the wrong impression...
- I have to.
- I haven't sketched anything in weeks.
- Stop staring. Do a vase.
But you're beautiful, Carol.
Your skin, your long neck.
The back. The line of you.
You're why cavemen
chiselled on walls.
All right.
Cut me a break.
The next thing I know
she's sitting right there next to me.
Well, it's not right to go into details.
I got nervous.
I screwed up.
I said the wrong thing.
Where if I hadn't,
I could be in bed right now
with a woman who
if you make her laugh you got a life.
lnstead, I'm here with you.
No offence, but a moron
pushing the last legal drug.
Jameson, soda back.
I'm sorry.
I don't care how you put this.
- We're being naughty here, pal.
- No, no. This is, this is great.
This is so great.
I swear to God, my hand won't even
keep up. Hold it. Hold it.
- I'm just turning.
- But then hold that. Hold any of them.
- Okay, this?
- It doesn't matter.
I can't get over my hand's not
even bothering me.
I can't, I just,
I can't get the angle with this cast.
Careful.
PRIVACY
I'm coming in. It's late.
Did you have sex with her?
Okay, so are you sure you don't
want your shampoos or anything?
Sorry.
I didn't know she was still here.
Did you have sex with her?
To hell with sex. It was better
than sex. We held each other.
What I need, he gave me great.
I'll get dressed in a hurry.
I just love her.
How are you doing?
- Hello?
- Mom, hi.
Hello, Simon.
You were right.
We were home last night.
Do you have to whisper?
I can barely hear you.
- I'm not a screamer. Look, thr reason...
- No, no.
It was the luckiest thing for all of us
you didn't answer last night.
- Your father has not been feeling well.
- No, I can't hear you!
- Hold on.
- Hold for what? What do you gotta do?
I get why you're angry with me,
but it's no...
- He's talking to his parents.
- Then you listen to me.
Truly, no grudges. Okay?
Truly.
It was a little odd that you didn't come
and see me when you heard I was hurt, but
- We almost did.
- No, I don't even wanna talk about it.
The important thing is that
your son is happy.
- You do sound different.
- Yes, I'm working again.
- Good. About money...
- No, I don't need anything.
I'll drop you a line from wherever I land,
and then it's up to you to make the
next move, and I hope that you do.
He's gonna wanna stay. And they'll wanna
take a ride to the lake or whatever...
- Okay. Bye-bye.
- Goodbye, dear.
- He's gonna feel stirred up.
- By, Mom.
We'll probably have a good five-hour drive.
It'll give us a chance to relax...
- So?
- I'm coming with you.
- What about your parents?
- No, no. I'll take care of it myself.
What are you talking about?
You've got real problems.
I know. I'm a little bit nervous.
Suddenly everything seems so easy.
Carol, a load has been lifted.
- One night wih me.
- You think you're kidding.
Geez.
- No choice.
- I've got a gift for you.
Nothing like no choice to make
you feel at home.
Let me see. Gorgeous.
Do it then.
And get the dog picked up.
I can't believe you let it stay there.
Good-bye.
Your luck's running.
They sublet your place.
You're homeless.
Frank's got a line on another place
you could use for now.
Another place where?
Does it matter?
No, it doesn't.
I'm fine. Like the hat?
I'm sorry.
FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY
I don't wanna hear that music right now.
What do you mean?
You said you liked it?
I don't.
This one has a meaning.
it's your car, but I don't wanna hear it,
if that means anything!
Yes, sir. All right.
Here's the keys to my apartment.
You go up there and wait,
and I'm gonna take Carol home,
- I'll take a bus.
- No, I'll take you.
Can you come here?
- Look, I don't care what you did for me.
- What's wrong?
I don't think I wanna know you anymore.
All you do is make me feel bad about myself.
You have my number.
- Let him take you home.
- Don't want to.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Don't say anything.
I gotta get a hold of Frank and
see where I'm hanging my hat.
I think you're going to
have to camp it here.
- What are you talking about?
- Look.
There's Verdell!
Come here.
Look at you, sweetheart.
You feel like your old self again.
I know the feeling.
Mommy and Daddy are home.
Sorry.
You're just fun to mess with.
They rented your place furnished.
Jackie said she was gonna bring
your personal things.
They were going to set you up
in here. It's an extra room.
I never use it. It's got good light.
No other choice really.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
It's nice. t's looks good.
They've even got your music,
paintings, paints.
I have to say they did a good job.
You know, it's gonna be okay, huh?
Cosy, huh?
Yeah.
Thank you, Melvin.
You overwhelm me.
I love you.
I tell you, buddy. I'd be the luckiest
guy alive if that did it for me.
Make yourself at home.
Anything else in the bag?
But I was playing soccer
while you were away.
I know.
I love my cookbook.
Great.
It's got all these wonderful recipes in here.
It says something with a shark.
I never even fixed shark before.
Shark with a bite.
- Would you like that, Spencer?
- No.
There's some cookies here
called "Wasps' nests".
Where is my big hairy boy?
Where is he?
Where is my beautiful boy?
Sweetheart!
- You're in bed.
- No, no.
Melvin.
I just didn't think Verdell should get too
comfortable sleeping in here because...
Look.
The dog's already comfortable.
Is this okay?
Hello? Hi, it's me.
Hi!
Yes. He took me in.
Yes. It's Carol for you.
- Yes. I fainted when I walked...
- Just take the dog. Take the dog.
- Just take the dog.
- Come here.
That's right. Take him.
Come on. Move fast.
- Don't limp. Move fast.
- Good luck.
- Hello.
- Yeah.
- How are you doing?
- Not so hot.
Why? What's wrong?
I don't know whether I'm being
sensible or hard on you.
Maybe both. Maybe.
See? Right there I don't know whether
you're being cute or crazy now.
Cute.
You don't have to answer everything I say.
Just listen to me, okay?
Listen to me.
It's really something
that you're looking after Simon.
And what I said on the street,
that was a bad thing to say.
It made me sick to my stomach.
It was a bad thing to say.
And I'd be lying if I didn't say
I enjoy your company.
But the truth is you do bother
me enormously.
And I know that think that it's...
I think that it's better for me...
...to not have contact with you
because you're not ready.
And you're pretty old guy to not be ready,
and I'm too old to ignore that!
But there were extraordinary
kindnesses that did take place.
So, anyway, thanks for the trip.
Good night. Good night.
Okay if I say something now?
Go ahead.
I should've danced with you.
Good night.
- Are you going to talk to me or not?
- I'm coming.
- What did she say?
- That I'm a great guy.
Extraordinary.
And she doesn't want
contact with me.
I'm dying here.
- Because... you love her.
- No.
And you people are supposed to be
sensitive and sharp?
Then you tell me why!
You're the one who's dying here.
- I don't know. Let me sleep on it.
- Come on.
- I'll figure it out.
- Please.
I'm stuck.
I can't get back to my old life.
- She's evicted me from my life.
- Did you really like it that much?
It's better than this.
Look, you.
I'm very intelligent.
If you're gonna give me hope,
you gotta do better than you are doing.
If you can't be at least mildly interesting,
then shut the hell up!
I'm drowning here!
And you're describing the water.
Picking on me won't help.
If that's true,
I'm really in trouble.
Melvin.
Do you know where you're lucky?
You know who you want.
I would take your seat any day.
So do something about it! Go over there.
Now. Tonight.
Don't sleep on it.
I mean, it's not always good to
let things calm down.
You can do this, Melvin.
You can do this. You can.
Pull the stops. Tell her how you feel.
You can do this.
- I'm charged.
- Yes, you are.
She might kill me if I go there.
Then get in your jammies
and I'll read you a story!
Listen, I really think you have a
chance here.
The best thing you have going for you
is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
So go over there.
Do this. Catch her off guard.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Thanks a lot.
- Okay.
Here I go.
What's wrong?
I forgot to lock the door.
- What do you want, Melvin?
- I'm sorry I woke you.
- Some other time
- I wasn't asleep.
What a break.
Is it a secret
what you're doing here?
I had to see you.
Because?
It relaxes me.
I'd feel better sitting outside your
apartment on the curb...
than any other place
I can think of or imagine.
No, no, wait. That's overstating.
I'd rather be sitting inside on the steps,
because I don't wanna get my feet
in the gutter.
- What would that serve?
- Stop it!
Why can't I just have a normal
boyfriend? Why?
Just a regular boyfriend
who doesn't go nuts on me?
Everybody wants that, dear.
It doesn't exist.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Boyfriend.
Come on in and try
not to ruin everything by being you.
Maybe we could live
without the wisecracks?
Maybe we could.
It feels a little confined here.
Let's take a walk.
It's four in the morning.
A walk sounds a little screwy to me.
- If you don't mind.
- Well, if you need an excuse...
there's a bakery on the corner
we got a good shot it'll be open soon.
That way we're not screwy,
just two people that like warm rolls.
Okay.
What are you doing?
I still want you to hear part
of that car song.
You don't have to.
And darling
I'm never lonely
whenever you're in sight...
Thank you.
You know, I was hope...
I'm sorry.
Whatever this is, is not gonna work.
- I'm feeling...
- What?
I'm feeling better, Carol.
Melvin, even though it may
seem that way now,
you don't know me all that well.
I'm not the answer for you.
- I've got a great compliment for you.
- You know what?
Just let me, let me talk.
I might be the only person
on the face of the earth
that knows you're
the greatest woman on earth.
I might be the only one who appreciates
how amazing you are in every
single thing that you do.
And how you are with Spencer.
Spence.
And in every single thought that you have
and how you say what you mean
and how you almost always
mean something
that's all about being straight and good.
And I think most people miss
that about you.
And I watch them,
wondering how they can watch you bring
their food and clear their tables
and never get that they just met
the greatest woman alive.
And the fact that I get it
makes me feel good...
...about me.
Is that something that's bad for you
to be around for you?
No.
I'm going to grab you.
I didn't mean for that to be
a question. I'm going to grab you.
I know I can do better than that.
Better.
Definitely better.
See?
- Want something?
- Warm rolls.
- Excuse us.
- Excuse us.