1
Oh, you
You
With those tongue
and lips
Let me taste
Your bitter kiss
Oh, you
You
With those seasoned eyes
Let me walk
Inside your smile
All my nerves
are tearing me down
Won't you just come over here
and take away this frown
'Cause I can't sleep
Tight
I don't see
Right
I won't feel
Right
Until you're mine
Mine
I can't sleep
Tight
I don't see
Right
I won't feel
Right
Until you're mine
Mine
Oh, you
You
Just walk away
Walk away
Before I break down
and cave
Oh, you
You
It's just not fair
How you kill me
with just one stare
All my nerves
are tearing me down
Won't you just come over here
and lick away this frown
'Cause I can't sleep
Tight
I don't see
Right
I won't feel
Right
Until you're mine
Mine
I can't sleep
Tight
I don't see
Right
I won't feel
Right
Until you're mine
Mine
Can't sleep tight
Don't see right
Won't feel fine
Until you're mine
Can't sleep tight
Can't sleep tight
Don't see right
Don't see right
Won't feel fine
Won't feel fine
Until you're mine
Until you're mine
Can't sleep tight
Can't sleep tight
Don't see right
Don't see right
Won't feel fine
Won't feel fine
Until you're mine
Until you're mine
Can't sleep tight
Don't see right
Be mine, baby
Won't feel fine
Be mine, baby
Until you're mine
Until you're mine
Can't sleep tight
Don't see right
Until you're mine
When I decided at the last minute
to take a year off
before college,
I told my mom it was
because I had no idea
what I wanted to do
with my life.
She pretended she didn't want
to strangle me.
But sweetie, that's the whole
point of college:
Is to figure out
what you want to do,
to find out what you're good at,
to discover your bliss.
But what if I don't discover it
until junior year,
and it has nothing to do with
the classes I've already taken?
I'd have to start over.
Or what if my bliss is something
I don't even need college for?
I'm not going to lie to you, Katie.
I'm concerned.
Why? Tons of kids defer.
You're not tons of kids.
You're one complicated girl
who's been through a lot.
You need structure.
Are you saying that college
is the only place
that I can get structure?
Because if so, Miss Matsuo...
Katie.
I'm serious.
Here's something.
Why don't you start a diary.
Or a blog?
Why?
It's a daily time commitment.
It'll keep your
verbal skills sharp.
And it'll force you
to be introspective.
What a wonderful idea.
I was just lying
to escape her vegan breath.
At least that's what I thought
at the time.
But I guess not.
What the fuck?
Here I am blogging.
Anyway, I'm going to start
by telling you a secret,
something I've never
told anyone.
The real reason I'm taking
a year off is because of a guy,
an older one.
A man.
And he's the most amazing...
Shit, got to go.
You don't know
what I'm gonna do
Or what I see in you
You're obsessed
With my little red dress
Boo!
But you don't care
if I'm a mess, now do you?
Boo!
Do you?
Do you?
Do you?
Boo!
You're late.
You noticed.
Dan and I have one strict rule:
We don't talk
about his girlfriend...
or my boyfriend.
Dan teaches film at a really
good community college,
so we only watch serious cinema.
I feel smarter
just being around him.
One of the best things
about my year off
is that I get to continue
my education.
He never asks
for anything in return.
He just wants me to relax
and enjoy it.
Dad?
You always hold back in the end.
I'm sorry.
It's your loss.
Have, uh... I got some news.
I'm, uh, moving closer
to campus.
Why?
Look at this dump.
It's ridiculous.
Looks like I'm still
in grad school.
Well, did you already
find a place?
Yeah. It's great.
And they'll let me move in
on the 15th
Well, where is it?
It's like a half-hour away.
We're not going
to see each other again.
Of course we will.
Come on, don't be so
melodramatic.
No, you're not going to want
to come pick me up
and then drive me to your place,
and then back to mine
a few hours later.
That's like two hours
in the car.
And someone might see us.
Come on, you know I'm right.
If my dad would just
buy me that car he promised me,
then I could...
I could come see you...
Listen, listen, listen, listen.
We're going
to work it out, okay?
We'll work it out.
I promise you.
Come on.
Shit.
I'd never touched him before.
I was always too scared.
He came so hard.
He'll definitely call me
after he moves.
So don't you think it's
time to stop loafing and get a job?
I'm not loafing, I'm blogging.
Since when?
Last week.
What's your blog called?
Not telling.
And you won't find out,
because I use a fake name
and I'm changing lots
of little details of my life.
Why?
Because if there was even
a one in googol chance
of anyone figuring out
it was me,
then I wouldn't tell the truth.
And what's the point
of having a blog
if you're just going to lie?
Hey, babe.
Why do you call her that?
She's 46.
What is on the agenda
for today, hmm?
TV? Internet?
Maybe a good, long nap?
I'm getting a job.
The grill or the fryer?
Ha-ha.
Neither.
Something stimulating
that pays extremely well.
This may come as a shock to you,
kiddo,
but the economy
is in the toilet.
There's 20 applicants
for every job.
You underestimate
my powers, Earthling.
Today, a reader sent me one
of those annoying self quizzes,
which are just a sad excuse
to talk about yourself.
What's your favourite number?
69.
Sometimes 96.
Have you ever kissed someone
and regretted it?
Yes. Tom Lovelace,
who was 16 when I was 11.
My fist tongue kiss.
It felt like a worm.
I want it all to end
Being loved by you
Hold me now
Make it stop
The butterflies
won't go away
Do you believe in the horoscope?
No. Sagittarians never do.
I am lost
Make me found
Stop right there!
Don't even put it up.
Have I got the girl for you?
Is that so?
Come in.
What happened to Jonas?
I bought him out,
lock stock and barrel.
You have so many more books.
I used to buy my dad
his birthday and
Christmas presents here.
He's a sports writer.
Well, he used to be.
Now he just drinks.
Sam Johnson's Book Shop.
Nice to meet you, Sam.
No, I'm not Sam.
He died a long time ago.
Dr. Samuel Johnson wrote the
first great English dictionary.
Is he your hero?
Among many.
Are you a lover of books?
I could be.
Glenn Warburg.
Katie Kampenfelt.
Three days a week, $12 an hour.
Wow!
And it's butt-easy.
All I have to do
is help customers
while Glenn runs
the online business.
Sweetie, I got to hand it
to you, that was fast.
You did it.
Yup, I am indeed impressive.
Does Glenn have a last name?
Warburg.
Is he married?
Why? You think
he only hired me
so he could have
sexual intercourse with me?
It crossed my mind.
Your moustache is heinous.
I've only been blogging
for 16 days,
but I already get between 450
and 500 discreet visitors a day.
The most popular search terms
that people use to find me
are "high school," "college,"
"blond," "sex," and "oral sex,"
which means many of you
are lonely, disgusting pigs.
I also know a lot of you
are just normal people
who want to read the true-life
confessions of a tee...
What?
It's me.
Come in.
Boyfriend invasion.
Stand by.
I thought you had band practice.
Casey had a midterm.
You know, Wong,
I don't know which is worse.
Watching you eat
or watching you at work.
I'm perfectly able to do anything I want...
None of you care that I cheat on Rory,
but for some reason you hate
that it's with an older guy
who has a girlfriend.
Well, I had no clue
about Martina
until after the third time
Dan and I fooled around,
and I found her birth control
in a bathroom drawer.
By then it was too late.
I was in it.
Hold on...
Oh, God.
Oh, wow, you're so hot.
Oh, God, I love you.
Oh, God. Oh!
Oh, God... Ah!
Oh!
I think I just came.
Was I supposed to pull out?
Six o'clock.
Hey, so it is.
$288 cash with a two-dollar bill
for good luck.
Good first week?
Amazing.
And I almost finished Who Has
Changed and Who Is Dead.
Thank you
for the recommendation.
You're very welcome.
You know, it's the first book
I've read since second grade
that was... You know, like,
wasn't for school.
Yeah, that's the way it is
these days, I guess.
So sad.
I know.
I can't imagine life
without great books.
It's as close to the angels
as I get.
What do you mean?
Well, for me, reading
is a transcendent experience.
Hmm.
What does that mean, exactly?
What, "transcendence"?
It means beyond
the physical realm.
It's a spiritual experience.
I get it from great literature,
great paintings,
classical music, all the arts.
What about classical art films,
like Fellini or Buuel?
Sure.
Cool.
I knew it from the start
You would break my heart
But I fell for you
No matter how hard
I try
Change what's inside
You are all I need
Dan didn't even call
to say goodbye.
You're the fire
in my heart
If I don't get a car now,
I'll never see him again.
Look at the size
of that blue-gummed dummy.
So, what's up?
Well, it's been really,
really hard
ever since all my friends left
to go to college.
And I just...
I've been sitting at home
all the time.
I have no ride.
I can't get anywhere.
And I'm just...
Tell the witch to buy you a car.
No, she won't do it.
She thinks I'm so much like you,
she thinks I'm just going
to drink a bunch of beers
and hit a tree.
Sanctimonious cunt.
If she had her way
we'd all be drinking holy water.
Out of the pope's jockstrap.
Did you come up with that?
No, you did.
No wonder.
What about peckerhead?
Why can't he squire you around?
Well, because we broke up
last night.
How come?
He's been pressuring me to,
you know,
like, go all the way,
and I'm just not ready yet.
Shit. Must have done
something right.
Daddy...
my whole life,
you said you would buy me a car
when I graduated.
Please keep your promise.
Please, Daddy, just this once.
Please.
And you promised me you'd stay
my little angel forever.
You'd never grow up.
Now look at you.
Tits and everything.
Hey, uh, Joel Seidler here.
I'm not sure if you remember me.
I'm tall and muscular,
and I played football.
No, wait,
that's my diametric opposite.
I'm the short, depressed Jew
who tutored you in math.
Anyway, I'm a senior
at Princeton now,
and I'm taking a semester off.
I heard that you were around.
Call me or text me, whatever.
I'm back, bitch!
Thank God Jade's home
from visiting her grandmother
in Greece.
Jade's pretty much
my only female friend now.
There was a rumour last year
that Jade and I were dykes.
I have no idea why.
I want your tits!
I want your ass!
I want your skin!
I want your ass!
I'm finding it true
When I'm hanging
around you
I think it's easy
to say
My boyfriend
is in junior high
His real age is just
one big lie
I wish I would have
known that...
If he lived here, let's face it.
We'd end up hating
each other's guts.
This way it stays
perfect forever.
You fall in love every
time you go on vacation.
I know. I'm a rock star.
I met him like
my second day in Corfu.
I told you
Dan moved away, right?
Yeah.
He hasn't called me since.
It's humiliating.
You didn't fool around
with him, did you?
No! Hello!
He's 32 and he has a girlfriend.
And you have fucking Rory.
Lick my lips
I'm mouthwatering
Take a sip
Pretty please
I'm begging
for some honey
Indulge me
Baby, got me going
'Cause you looking so...
I can't believe
you're all really out there.
I'm used to only being famous
in my own mind.
What are you doing?
Oh, nothing.
Just wasting time.
Come with me.
What's wrong?
Just come. Not you.
And put some clothes on.
We have neighbours.
Dad's dead, isn't he?
Bad news, hon.
Your starting salary just didn't
past the smell test with me,
so I had a friend of mine in
law enforcement do some digging.
Is this your boss?
Glenn's a rapist?
Sexual assault's
a much broader category.
The particulars can vary,
but, yeah, it's basically
sexual contact without consent.
You have to quit your job
right away.
What am I supposed to say?
Hmm. Start with this.
My mom's boyfriend has a partner
at a really big law firm.
She thinks it'll look impressive
on my rsum
if I ever want to be
an attorney, which I might.
So I really have to quit.
Oh, I'm so disappointed.
So am I, really.
You're a very special girl,
Katie, and a joy to be around.
And I'll miss you.
Thanks. You too.
Bye, Glenn.
Do you have
some clean underwear?
Please be Dan.
Please, please, please be Dan.
Please be Dan.
Hello?
Catherine?
Katie, actually.
I don't know if you remember me.
My name's Paul Spooner.
I interviewed you
for admittance to Tufts.
Oh, no, of course
I remember you.
Hello, Paul.
Oh, you know, I got in.
I just decided to defer a year.
I know. That's actually
why I'm calling.
You don't by any chance
need a job, do you?
That is so, so weird.
I had one until, like,
10 days ago,
but then I had to quit.
My boss turned out to be
a convicted sex offender.
That's terrible.
Well, even more terrible for
the gal he sexually offended.
Yeah.
I got a new job!
Hey, can I call you back?
That's wonderful.
What is it?
I'm a nanny.
I get paid $12 an hour,
and I get the use of a car.
A car! I get a Volvo!
I'm getting a Volvo!
What?
What's with the face?
Well, did you tell him
you have no experience?
Of course not.
Honey.
What?
What? What?!
Why are you
so fucking negative?!
Catherine.
Katie.
Oh, my God,
you are so cute and tiny.
Come in.
I'm Margaret Spooner.
It is a pleasure to meet you.
You are a godsend.
Oh, cool.
You have no idea.
I'll show you around.
This house is amazing.
Oh, thank you.
I'm an interior designer,
so love it.
You just missed Paul.
He works for a big hedge fund,
so he travels all the time,
but he'll be back on Friday.
So Paul said that you have
some experience with newborns.
Oh, not much, but yeah.
Well, I had zero
when Kyle was born.
Okay, you smell that?
That is newborn poop.
Kind of like butter popcorn when
they're nursing, which Kyle is.
Go ahead.
Your first lesson.
Pick him up.
Really?
Yeah.
Just make sure
you cradle his head.
That's it.
You got it.
Hi.
He likes you.
Stop being mad at me for not posting.
I had a very busy week learning
how to take care of a baby.
Hey!
Hey, super nanny
Katherine Kampenfelt.
How was your flight?
It was interminable.
Where's Maggie?
Feeding Kyle.
Come on, let's get reacquainted.
So tell me everything.
How was your first week?
It was awesome.
Hmm.
Margaret is such
a great teacher.
Kyle is such a good baby.
Way more mature
than my boyfriend.
I can't tell you how relieved
I am this worked out.
Remember how much fun we had
at our interview?
Honestly, not really.
I thought Tufts
was just my safety school.
Well, that explains
why you were so cocky.
Hey.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi.
Ow.
Oh, sorry.
Your pay.
Yeah, but it's only 3:15.
Oh, um, okay.
Well, I'll see you guys Monday.
Remember when my ass looked like that?
Bye.
Last night was the fifth Friday in a row
that Dan didn't call me.
And since
I'm not allowed to call,
text or even e-mail him,
there's nothing I can do.
My grandmother once told me,
"Never make a big decision
while you're bleeding,
because there's a pretty good
chance you're nuts."
But I don't care.
I'm tired of waiting.
Hi.
Hey.
I have an evil scheme.
My favourite kind.
Oh, God,
please answer the phone.
I did not know
you were religious.
Only when I'm jonesing
for a bonesing.
Hello?
Wrong number.
Okay, what did you just say?
"Where's the clog
that we ate yesterday
at the beauty parlour
train station bathroom?"
Genius.
Yeah.
Okay, wrong numbers always
come in twos, right?
Right.
I have one more chance.
Maybe he'll answer.
Why does he let her
answer the phone?
She grabs it. She's this crazy,
jealous French bitch from hell.
That's why I can't contact him.
Hello?
Hey, it's me. Call me when you
get this. It's really important.
Okay, bye. Aah!
Got it!
Okay.
Want to watch some porn?
Bye, Jadey.
Please don't be mad at me.
I'm not.
Martine just ran out
to buy cigarettes. What's up?
I got a car.
A Volvo.
Hello?
Yeah.
I can come see you
whenever you want me to.
Remember what I did last time?
How I touched you?
I want to do it again.
But this time with my mouth.
Let me.
Please.
Wednesday, I'll text you
the address.
Paul made a ton of money today
because he predicted
a stock would tank.
He brought home Belgium
chocolates and champagne.
All day I was so excited
about my date with Dan
my heart felt like
it was going to explode.
I loved the whole world.
You're calling me
on my phone
It's 2:00 in the morning
Boy, you just
ain't the type
That a girl gonna hit
once or twice
Gonna send you on a slow jam
- We need protection.
- No. No, we don't.
Are you sure?
Daddy!
Cigarettes?
Since when?
Yeah.
It was a mistake.
Oh, come on.
One's not going to kill you.
No, I meant that.
Well, my period just ended.
That's not what I meant.
Is it my age?
You know my birthday's
at midnight.
Here's the thing.
I care about you a lot,
but...
Okay before you dump me,
let me say something.
Martine treats you like shit
and I think you should dump her
and go out with me instead.
Now I know my age
freaks you out,
but we can do it
in a really cool, healthy way.
I promise.
I wouldn't have to meet
any of your friends,
and I wouldn't make you
meet my mom.
We could keep
the whole thing a secret.
It would just be us right here,
making love
and watching art films.
And then when I go away
to college,
we break up really maturely.
Stay friends forever.
It's perfect.
It would be.
Is that a yes?
I can't.
Why?
Martine and I are engaged.
Since the middle of October.
What do you have with her
that you don't have with me?
Katie...
Answer the fucking question.
There are just...
There are things that...
That people
close to each other in age
share.
Like what?
Martine and I
are intellectually compatible.
Why did you have to fuck
me before you told me the truth?
You're such a liar!
So is that why you moved?
So you could live together?
She lives here?
Where were you?
What happened
to your study group?
It ended an hour ago.
Where were you?
A movie!
Is everything all right?
Have you been crying?
Rory, come down.
What did you see?
What?
The name of the movie,
what was it?
Sex With a Paranoid Guy.
It was a comedy.
Now go home, you freak.
Where were you?
Fuck you!
Are you okay?
He was older.
He's a 32-year-old guy,
and I'm madly in love
with him, okay?!
Did you have sex with him?
You did.
Hey, hey, hey!
Never hit a girl!
Never hit a girl!
Get the hell out of here!
Get out of here!
You want to go to jail?!
You want to tell me
what that was about?
Just go, please.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Mark...
thanks.
Turns out they were engaged the whole time.
They moved in together.
I'm such a retard.
Oh, sweetheart,
I wish you would have told me
about it sooner.
I could have warned you.
Never get mixed up with someone
if there's a third party
involved.
You almost always lose.
You didn't sleep with him,
did you?
Of course not.
I'm sorry. Had to ask.
Aren't you going to wish me
a happy birthday?
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
Happy birthday.
So, what do you want to do
to celebrate?
I don't know.
Thank God my name's not really Katie
and I'm 100% invisible
to the world,
or I'd be so humiliated
by my life right now
I'd probably kill myself.
Do you stay friends
with your exes?
Only if they can handle us
being platonic.
Hasn't happened yet.
Do you pee in swimming pools?
That's the only place.
What's your favourite thing
in your bedroom?
My heart.
What's your least favourite
thing in your bedroom?
My heart.
What are you listening to
these days?
A voice in my head telling me
that something wonderful
is going to happen any minute.
It just has to.
I know the prices are outrageous,
but you just can't beat
the organic produce.
Absolutely. The meats are to die for.
Oh, I know.
The other day
I got a leg of lamb.
I'm telling you it was this big.
Hang on one second.
Is he down?
Yup, boom.
Oh, good.
Did I mention you look adorable?
Oh, well, I don't feel it.
Barely got two hours of sleep
last night.
Excitement about
Santa's arrival, or boy trouble?
Boy trouble.
Well, good riddance,
whoever he is.
You can do better.
Couldn't do worse.
I have a nephew.
Oh.
- Onwards and upwards.
- Cheers.
I thought we were the bad guys.
Well, no, no, no.
People are people.
You know, red, white, purple.
We're all shit.
You know what else
the Apache enjoyed?
Sodomy.
Most of Custer's
seventh brigade,
second cavalry,
they were found buck naked,
all torn up inside.
Well, Ollie, listen,
it's been a riot.
Cornflower blue.
You're a real blond, aren't you?
Oh, yeah.
You're real naughty too.
Not tonight. Not... Not...
Not feeling it tonight,
turtleneck, okay?
Now let me go before I scream.
Whoa!
You better slow down there.
That stuff will kill you.
I still have to drive home.
You having fun?
At my own party?
Not a chance.
We've got to stop
meeting like this.
Maggie will get suspicious.
Really?
Snow is falling
Do you hear those winter bells
ringing
In this winter storm?
Hey, uh, Merry Christmas Eve.
It's Joel again.
You never call me back,
so I assume you're either
really busy
or you hate Jews.
So here's why I keep calling.
The third week of school
I tried to jump
out of a dorm window.
And I remember you spent some
time at a mental hospital,
and I thought you might
be able to relate
to what I'm going through,
and then we could be friends.
My bad.
Take it in, take it in
And sing your Christmas song
The world is changing
Everything is painted
white and red
And gold
The stars are dangling...
Oh.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Oh, Dad.
What did I do to deserve this?
You knocked up Mom.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, these will keep
my nuts warm.
Thank you, kid.
How was dinner with your family?
Oh, thank you for asking.
My...
Don't ever spend Christmas Eve
with old Hindus.
It was like Gunga Din meets
the Brothers Grimm.
I couldn't get out of there
fast enough.
Oh, here.
I know what my baby girl likes.
Thanks.
It's beautiful.
I used to be your hero.
Bet you don't even
remember that, do you?
Not really.
I used to come home from work,
you'd just go crazy.
You'd grab my hand, show me your
latest Barbie or whatever.
Then the witch kicked me out.
Right before Christmas, too.
You latched on
like a goddamn pit bull.
Wouldn't let go.
Seriously?
Screaming your lungs out.
I can't believe
I don't remember that.
Happy New Year!
Right after Rory and I broke up,
Jade found a new boyfriend.
I had no one to celebrate with
last night.
Honey? It's me.
Come in.
Oh, God.
Dad's dead?
Oh, my God!
Congratulations!
I don't even know what to say.
She's marrying the moustache.
Oh, no!
I knew you'd understand.
Come over, please.
Uh...
first I, uh,
I got to tell you something.
Shit.
Hold on.
Okay, what?
Okay, um...
so the night we broke up
I took two sleeping pills.
And Jade was over trolling on
4chan with my roommates.
So, any resolutions?
Well, I found out my boyfriend's
boning my best friend.
I thought you and your boyfriend
broke up.
We did.
Now it's permanent.
I'm never going to speak
to either of them again.
Smart choice.
What about you?
I am going back to work
part-time.
Wow, really? So soon?
Yeah, well, I feel great.
You know, I got my body back.
Why not?
Paul's pissed.
If he had his way
I'd stay home forever
and be a broodmare.
Do you know what that is?
Like a sad horse.
Close, yeah.
One that does nothing
but give birth.
Do you want to have more kids?
No.
How's it going?
Wow, you're even prettier
than I remember.
And you're just as sweet.
Um...
I can't believe you finally
decided to hang out with me.
I hope I don't destroy
your social standing.
Stop it.
What made you finally
call me back?
Your text made me laugh.
Hey, you're legal, right?
Yeah.
You should order wine.
They won't card me here
if you do it.
So anyway, long story short,
they've been fucking ever since.
What a roll you're on.
I know. I have the worst luck
with guys.
Yeah, I would say
the worst taste.
I mean, you're the one
who picks them, right?
Yeah.
Anyway, it seems like your
problems go way beyond guys.
I mean, you're confused
about a lot.
Well, who isn't at our age?
And that's why
the most important thing
is to develop
self-awareness.
I'm pretty much the most
fucked-up person I know,
and I'm working really hard
to understand myself.
Are you?
Working really hard
to understand you?
Not really.
When you're ready.
Right.
Hello?
Who is this? Affie?
What is it?
Is it my dad?
Affie, what's wrong?!
You can see him now.
When he fell,
an artery in the sac
around his brain ripped open.
They fixed it
and stopped the bleeding,
but now all they can do
is wait and see.
I used to pour my dad
his beers for him.
Even though I get how sad
and inappropriate that is,
at the time it made me feel
really special.
And I'm still an expert
at pouring beer
so that the foam
doesn't spill over.
Oh, uh, one more...
One more thing.
My dad and I, we used to play
this game together
when we were watching TV,
and I would ask him if I could
have some of his beer.
So he would reach over
to grab his mug,
and when he did
I would flop my mouth down
on his beer belly and...
And he would get all mad,
like I had tricked him.
And...
I would just laugh my head off.
Yes.
Hi, my name's Amy Graham.
I'm a student
of Professor Gallo's.
I hate bothering him at home,
but it's really,
really important,
and I lost his phone number.
Oh, I'm sorry.
He's not home.
Darn it. Okay, okay.
Uh...
But I'll be happy
to give him a message.
Will you please tell him there's
been a death in my family,
so I can't finish
my paper on time.
Which paper?
The one he assigned.
All right. I'm sorry.
I mean, for your loss.
That's okay.
Merci.
Bye.
During the week of work I missed,
Margaret kept her resolution
and got a job redoing
a zillionaire's media room.
For the next month
she'll be working weekdays
from 9:00 to 3:00.
So Kyle doesn't get
too traumatized by the change,
Paul's going to eat lunch
at home every day.
Well, I can't believe
how okay you seem.
He had cirrhosis
for a long time.
I knew he was going to die.
I was pretty much
prepared for it.
The arrogance of youth.
Don't say that.
No, no, I mean it
as a compliment.
An ironic one, but if young
people weren't so arrogant,
they'd really be in trouble.
What do you mean?
Look, life kicks your ass.
If young people knew it,
they'd crawl into the basement
with a crack pipe
and never come out.
Wouldn't take risks
or fight for lost causes,
or even start a career.
I mean, why bother, right?
You think you're okay
with your dad's death?
Not a chance. It won't even
hit you that he's really gone
until you're in your 30's,
which happens to be the most
difficult decade of life.
That is when the shit
really hits the fan.
What are you grinning at?
You.
Tell me more.
I want to know everything.
Hey, you haven't quit yet.
- Not yet.
- See you later. Thanks.
- Yeah!
- Hey, hey. Hi, sweetie.
I'll be right back.
Here's your salary,
and a little something extra.
Thanks. Bye.
Bye.
"Dear Miss Kampenfelt,
"since you expressed
a desire today
"to learn more about adult life,
"here are 10 bitter truths
for your reading pleasure.
"Number one: Complete honesty
is a complete lie.
"Two, marriage is sacred
only to those
"who have never been married.
"Three, money is more integral
to happiness
than romantic love."
"Four,
every human being is a contradiction.
"Some hide it
better than others.
"Five, never underestimate
the tendency of human beings
"to act contrary
to their own best interests.
"Six, were it not for the fear
of getting caught,
"most of us would behave
like savages.
"Seven, all sex
has consequences,
most of them dire."
"The older you get,
the faster time flies
"until months pass like days.
"There's no such thing
as living happily ever after.
Everything gets worse."
He wants to fuck you.
He has, like,
the most perfect,
beautiful wife on the planet.
And that's why
it's not going to happen?
Because he doesn't want to?
What about you?
I would never do that.
You don't know me.
You're self-centered.
Ooh, news flash.
You're promiscuous.
I can't help it.
It feels good.
And plus, I owe it to my fans.
You're an incipient alcoholic.
No, I'm not.
Hey, what does that mean again?
It means you're not an addict yet,
but you're well on the way.
Oh, okay.
I want to ask you something,
Mm-hmm.
You don't have to answer,
but were you molested
when you were little?
Because you remind me
of a friend of mine from school.
She was abused.
A little.
I mean, it just depends on...
The summer before my parents
got divorced, I was like 6.
My dad had disconnected
the cable.
He was going to write this book
on worst sports injures
in history,
and he didn't want
to be distracted.
That's a good idea for a book.
Well, he never wrote it.
Anyway, since we had no TV,
my mom sent me next door
to watch at the Solagee's.
And Mrs. Solagee
would always make me
these yummy prune
Hungarian cookies,
and I'd get to watch cartoons.
But then when we were alone,
Mr. Solagee would put me
on his lap,
and he'd touch me.
He would squirm around
the whole time.
God.
You know, it actually felt
kind of good.
My friend Joel
thinks I need therapy.
What do you think?
He's probably right.
I agree.
Surprise, surprise.
I'll find you someone good.
A lady, okay?
JulietIsDead wants to know what Joel meant
when he said I was in
a mental hospital.
When I was 13 I stole
a bunch of my mom's Ambiens
and climbed in the window
of a 26-year-old lifeguard
I had a massive crush on.
When he told me to go home,
I started crying hysterically
and locked myself
in his bathroom.
They kept me in the psych ward
for three days.
Been pretty much anti-therapy
ever since.
And now I'm thinking that maybe
what Mr. Solagee did
really affected me.
Maybe that's why I like
older guys so much.
I just always that it was
because my dad was such a dick.
I'd like you to write a letter
to Mr. Solagee.
He's really old.
He's probably dead.
It's not for him.
Kyle had night terrors again last night.
Even after I picked him up,
he cried for another
half-hour.
Scared the shit out of us.
Well, what do you think's
causing it?
Well, I think it's that Maggie
went back to work,
but she doesn't want
to hear about that, of course.
So, what are you going to do?
Just give him some extra love,
and hope that she comes
to her senses.
Hmm.
She's so lucky
to be married to you.
I don't know why she wants
to go back to work so quickly.
It's ridiculous.
You know what?
It's not till tomorrow,
but what the hell?
Happy Valentine's Day.
It's a locket.
Until you have a kid
of your own,
I figured a picture of Kyle
will have to do.
Thank you. I love it.
God, you're beautiful.
So yeah, I mostly just hang
out with this kid, Joel Seidler.
He's kind of funny.
Look who it is.
Hey, honey.
What time did she say
the samples were coming?
Ha! No, no, no, no, no.
I need something way more
specific than that.
Yes, please call back.
All right, fine.
I'll call you back.
Well, well.
Hey, um...
Martine's out of town
for the weekend.
Hey, why didn't you tell me
your dad died?
Because I hate your guts.
Oh, God!
Okay, slow down, slow down.
I want it to last longer.
You can do it.
You can.
You can.
That was a big mistake.
Yeah.
I'm in love...
with somebody else.
Oh, and suddenly age matters?
Yeah, it matters, because
I'm 14 years older then you.
I'm not 23. And I'm not married.
And I'm not your boss.
Why are you freaking out?
All we did was kiss.
Oh, stop. Stop pretending like
you don't know what's going on.
That's why he hired you.
He's a fucking scumbag.
And what are you?
You need help.
I know.
I'm in therapy.
Good, well, hope you tell him
all about Spooner.
It's a she.
And I didn't.
But I told her all about you.
That's great.
Thanks.
Well, you can tell her this
next time you go:
You can tell her
that I ended it.
No more. We're not doing this
ever again, you understand?
One of us has to be
strong enough to end it.
Since I'm the adult
I guess it'll be me.
Don't call me again either.
Good morning!
Gotcha. Okay, so you...
So you don't like that.
I thought I didn't
want it to happen,
but maybe I did.
When I'm with him
I feel so special.
I forget everything.
Dear Dr. Sherman,
first off, I want to thank you
for making time
in your busy schedule
to see my darling Katie.
She really is something,
isn't she?
One of a kind, all right.
As much as she enjoyed
your session together,
I have decided to send her
to a different therapist,
one who specializes
in young women
and their many food-body
issues, a national epidemic.
Thank you so much for your time.
Yours truly...
Caroline Kampenfelt.
Katie, Joel.
Hi.
I just wanted to tell you
that you're a monster.
I've been a really
good friend to you,
and this is how you repay me?
By never calling me back.
Besides me, how many
straight guys are there
in the whole world
who like you enough
to be your friend without there
being anything sexual?
I'll give you a hint:
Zero.
I'm only three years
older than you,
but I'm so much smarter
it's ridiculous.
You have no inner life.
Why was I crying so hard?
Who cares what Joel
thought of me?
And then I thought,
Oh, wait,
maybe it's just hormones.
No, thanks.
Okay.
What's going on?
What do you mean?
You never say no.
Why not?
I'm pregnant.
Holy shit.
Stop.
I'm not keeping it.
And there's a decent chance
it's not yours.
Then why'd you even tell me?
Because you wanted me
to get high.
Yeah, well, if you're just going
to kill it, why not get high?
I might change my mind.
Maybe.
Oh, man.
How many others are there?
Two.
You're a fucking whore.
You're not even worth it!
Hello?
I'm sorry, I might have
the wrong number.
I'm looking for Joel Seidler.
Who is this?
Katie Kempenfelt.
Oh, Katie.
You know he's clinically
depressed, right?
Of course.
We talk about it all the time.
Well, he made another attempt.
Pills this time.
Very female.
I was the one who found him.
Worst moment of my life.
Is he okay?
Physically, yes.
Mentally, who the hell knows?
He's at St. Jude's.
Can I visit him?
No, honey we got to get
his chemistry
straightened out first.
Will you let me know
when he can have visitors?
Of course. Absolutely.
Thank you.
I'm so happy you finally called.
I can't believe
I miss him so much.
If only he had left
that silly card where it was.
What? What silly card?
I wasn't sure
whether to tell you.
What? What are you
talking about?
One day I was
cleaning the house,
and in his closet
I found the underwear
you gave him for Christmas.
I put them away and threw
the box in the trash.
Later, when your father
found out what I had done,
he was furious at me.
In the middle of the night,
he rose.
I asked him where he was going.
He said, "To pick through
the garbage,
like your cousins
back in Calcutta."
I woke up minutes later.
The room was very cold.
I found the back door wide open.
Your father slipped in the dark
and fell on the way
to retrieve your card.
But he never even
opened my cards.
He didn't care
about those things.
That's precisely what I thought.
But no.
I found them in his desk.
All from you.
Fog tints the windows
And clouds up the view
Sits in the trees
And hugs the sky too
Mr. Blue Sky
Greets his old friend
Blankets the earth
To brings the year's end
There's a longing
in the air
And something tells you
That wintertime
is here
The nostalgia
warms your heart
And everything feels
Right
You have an appointment with
Dr. Sherman Saturday at 10:00.
I know you only went once.
What?
That's non-negotiable.
Yay!
Happy birthday.
Thank you. I love it.
Oh, good.
It's gorgeous.
Thank you so much.
Oh, come on.
You didn't have to do that.
I know.
Let's see.
Very cute.
Aww, that's sweet.
Very sweet. Thank you.
Whoa, looks like somebody
wants to join the party.
Oh, no, no, I'll get him.
So, what's it like being 43?
Hi, honey. Shh.
Same as being 18.
Just, uh, when you get up,
your back is a little stiff,
that's all.
There we go.
Good boy.
Oh.
God.
Just your back?
This is your real present.
Oh, yeah.
"To Paul on his 43rd birthday.
"Napping on the sofa,
"your baby boy napping
in his bouncing chair.
"Two separate lives,
lying so close for a while
"until you both wake up and
become father and son again.
"May you always be like this.
"Sleeping close
and awaking close,
"sharing nearly
all of your lives.
I wish I could
share them too."
It's beautiful.
Really?
Yeah.
Shh.
I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's okay.
You understand, right?
I'm sorry.
It's going to be okay.
Okay.
Oh, God.
Being pregnant is like being seasick,
and you can't get off the boat.
The smell of bubble gum,
deodorant,
scented candles makes me want
to vomit from my toes.
Hello?
I'm pregnant.
And the baby's yours.
So I thought maybe
before I got an abortion,
you'd like to discuss it.
Dwayne, you know better.
You got to call me
during my office hours, okay?
Good night.
Wait...
You don't need antidepressants,
because you're not
clinically depressed.
You're grieving.
There's a world of difference.
Not just for your father.
When I was in the
second grade I liked to gross boys out
by eating flies and ants.
Even a daddy longlegs once.
In junior high
I stopped taking showers.
My mom would say,
"Why do you want to treat your
body with such disrespect?"
I had no idea why.
But now I do.
You probably thought I forgot,
but I remember everything
you did to me.
Sometimes I thought
maybe you forgot.
But you were a grown man
at the time you molested me.
If you are a Christian,
and I think you are,
then you know what awaits you.
Yours truly,
little Katie next door.
Katie.
Miss Matsuo.
How's the grand experiment?
Excuse me?
Life without semesters?
Oh, it's great.
Good.
Actually, I just lied to you.
It's really, really hard.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
You know, I...
I think it's getting better.
I think I'm going to be okay.
Well, you take care.
Did you hear
Where I was going,
my dear?
Did you see me
Walking down that road?
And do you understand
That my life
And no, baby
You know I'm not
very old
Well, if it isn't one of my
favourite people in the world.
That's me.
What's wrong?
Just wanted to come say hi.
I don't believe that.
Come on in. Tell me
what's going on with you.
I need some advice.
Okay.
But I want to talk to you
about something first.
I didn't quit
for the reason I said.
My mom's fianc found out that
you're a convicted sex offender.
That occurred to me.
I wanted to tell you the truth,
but my mom would have grounded
me until the end of time.
She was afraid for you.
Well, hello, I'm a girl.
But you're here now.
What changed?
I need your wisdom.
But I want to know
what your crime was.
Why?
I need to know.
It was a long time ago.
Please?
May I have one of those?
You smoke?
I'm what is known
in Nicotine Anonymous
as a periodic.
I start and stop.
Right now I'm undecided.
Have a seat.
Ah, there it is.
Where do I begin?
When I was your age, Katie,
I was a very angry,
nasty piece of work.
I was rarely clean or sober.
I had hair down to here
and a full beard,
believe it or not.
And when I was 19 years old
I got busted for selling drugs.
So in order to avoid jail time
I enlisted in the Army.
And I just stayed high
all the time.
Well, surprise, surprise,
I get busted
and dishonourably discharged
and sent home.
And I stayed out of trouble
for a very long time,
until one night
I got shit-face drunk
and showed up at the house
of a woman I knew
who was a prostitute.
Not one that I could afford,
but she had a soft spot
for vets.
And the last thing
I remember was,
she pulled out a bottle of rum
and a tab of acid.
So when I woke up
in jail the next morning,
I had no choice but to take her
word for what happened.
And the word of the emergency
room doctor, of course.
I did not rape her in the way
that most people
would define that term,
but it was a very, uh,
cruel sexual assault,
and I paid the price.
Now, tell me
what's wrong with you.
I'm pregnant.
Hmm.
I'm just... I'm too young to have a baby.
And I know... I know I should
get an abortion.
But days keep passing by,
and I don't make
the appointment.
I just... I think I'm scared
to go alone.
I think it's more than that.
I think you're afraid
to go at all.
And for good reason.
Because if you do this,
there's no telling how
you'll feel about it later.
You're afraid you'll regret it.
Maybe.
But, you know, very few people
ever regret having had a child.
Is that true?
Absolutely.
You want some more wisdom?
No extra charge.
Please.
Stop drinking
and smoking immediately.
And you must never see
any of these men ever again.
Dump Paul?
No, no, he'll freak out.
Please, please, Katie,
listen to me.
When a married man
is having an affair
with a beautiful, young girl,
no matter how much
he feels for that girl,
he's always relieved
when it's over
because he knows he's been
playing a dangerous game,
and he's lucky to escape alive.
He doesn't love me?
Not the way you think.
But if I dump Paul,
then I lose my job.
Well, you could always
come back and work here.
Yeah, my mom would kill me.
You don't need
her permission anymore.
You're an adult.
She'd kick me out
of the house...
You know what?
There just happens to be
an empty room above my garage,
and you're welcome to it,
rent-free.
You have to start making
your own decisions, young lady.
Now, come on.
I got to close up.
And I'll give you a lift.
Read any good books lately?
No. Not even a bad one.
But I've sort of been writing.
I thought you'd be proud
that I have a blog.
I like that it's creative
and that it's verbal.
What I don't like
is that it's public.
Your generation
is addicted to attention.
I know.
It's like we all want
to be famous,
even though we're not good
at anything.
Precisely.
You sure I can't
give you a lift?
I like to walk.
All right, then.
Thanks for all the advice.
You're welcome.
Something else
you might consider.
I can understand how you feel,
how you think you're not ready
to be a mother.
But have the baby anyway.
What's the harm?
I'll raise it as my own, and you
can come and go as you please.
You can be as much of a mother
as you care to be.
If I don't do
what you want me to,
then could I still work here
and live with you?
Of course.
I want to thank
everyone who wrote to tell me
I'm a baby killer even though
I haven't even decided
what I'm going to do yet.
If I move in with Glenn,
it's the beginning
of my adult life.
On my own for the first time.
It's a perfect time
to stop blogging.
Can I do it?
Just live without
describing everything I do?
Can I cancel my reality show
and become a better person?
Do human beings ever dream
a whole new life
and make it come true?
Or do they always go back
to the way they were?
I guess there's only one way
to find out.
Say goodbye to all of you
and just live.
Really live.
My name is Carol Granthum.
I'm the mother of Amy Granthum,
whom you know
as Katie Kampenfelt.
A few minutes after posting
her final blog,
someone called Amy
from a blocked number.
The call lasted
a minute and 38 seconds.
A few minutes later
Amy got in her car, drove away
and never came back.
No one's seen
or heard from her since.
She hasn't withdrawn
any money from the bank
or even used her cell phone.
The police believe the person
who called Amy that night
could very well hold the key
to her whereabouts.
I'm writing because
I need your help.
Please keep reading.
I have hired
a private investigator.
He's questioned everyone
in Amy's life.
He showed them her blog.
To hide her identity,
she changed names and details.
Her boyfriend Aiden
says everything
Amy wrote about him is true.
He has a terrible temper,
but he insists that he would
never harm her.
Dan is not actually
a college professor.
He manages a video store.
He says Amy's description
of their relationship
was mostly accurate,
but that she never told him
she was pregnant.
The couple she works for
dispute only the most important
fact of the blog.
The husband denies
any sexual involvement.
Jake Seidler is devastated.
He regrets the cruelty
of his last voice message.
Amy's best friend Noelle
is a drug addict.
She has a blocked phone number,
but she says
that she did not call Amy
on the night she disappeared.
Roy Olson, her boss,
says word Amy wrote
about him is true
except that he never offered
to raise her child.
If any of you exchanged e-mails
or phone calls with Amy
in which she shared
any information
that might help us to locate her
please, please write to me here.
Amy is a wonderful girl
with a remarkable spirit.
She's my life, my whole heart.
Since her disappearance,
on nights when I can't sleep
I read and reread
Amy's postings.
I read all of your e-mails
and comments too,
even the most vicious of them.
I ask myself: Who would want
to hurt my daughter?
I hear the answer:
Everyone.
I did my time,
I stood in line
I waited for so long
Stand in circles
Sitting duck
I finally
jumped this pond
Now I get
this year to live
I'm going
to live it well
'Cause I want something
new to give
In my life's
show-and-tell
I'm gonna try things,
I'm gonna go there
Gonna take this
all the way
Test my limits,
I'm gonna wing it
And there's nothing
you can say
So here I go
with an open heart
'Cause...
Right now my life starts
bum-Ba-dum
Bum-bum-bum-Ba-dum
Da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da
Bum-Ba-dum
Bum-bum-bum-Ba-dum
Da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da
Time to go off on my own
It's finally my turn
It's my turn
No right or wrong
'Cause from now on
The stakes
are how I learn
Hm-hmm
And now I get this year
to live
I'm going to live it well
'Cause I want something
new to give
In my life's
show-and-tell
I'm gonna try things,
I'm gonna go there
Gonna take this
all the way
Test my limits,
I'm gonna wing it
And there's nothing
you can say
Oh, whoa
So here I go
with an open heart
'Cause...
Right now my life starts
Oh, whoa
But I know
you're scared
And it's tough to bear
That your little girl
just walked out the door
She's gone, she's gone
But it's time to see
The bad girl is me
And I just ain't that
little anymore
Oh, whoa
I'm gonna try things,
I'm gonna go there
Gonna take this
all the way
Test my limits,
I'm gonna wing it
And there's nothing
you can say
There's nothing
you can say
So here I go
with an open heart
'Cause...
Right now my life starts