ASTERIX & OBELIX
IN BRITAIN
We've been through hard times.
We've often believed,
and then had to unbelieve.
Can you say that?
But today,
we're on an even keel.
Believe me,
we're going to recover our losses!
Ship to starboard!
Ship to starboard!
Up and at 'em!
What did I tell you?
Over here, my dears.
What the...
At your stations!
Raise the sails!
Get your oars out!
Hurry!
Too late.
Up and at 'em!
Can anyone tell me what that was?
This my friends, this majestic sight,
is the most powerful army
that's ever existed.
It carries Rome's name
to the frontiers of the known world.
At its head
is one man.
A supreme leader.
A warrior who conquered Helvetia,
drove back the Germans,
crushed the Gauls,
and who will now conquer an island
called Britannia.
Britain!
This conquest, my friends,
is not merely one more laurel
in Caesar's crown.
This conquest
is the gift of the Roman people
to Britain's natives.
A barbarian people
who dwell in ignorance,
to whom we will bring
the benefits of Western civilisation.
By golly, this is a jolly rum thing,
eh what?
I say, rather, old fruit.
Britain is inhabited
by a mysterious people
who have one very curious custom:
at five in the afternoon,
everything comes to a halt.
Push! Push!
Hold on.
Why do they do this, O Caesar?
To drink hot Water.
Hot water?
Their favourite beverage.
A cup of hot water?
Gladly. With a cloud of milk, please.
We shall attack the Britons
every day at five o'clock on the dot.
I promise you,
this will be our quickest victory ever!
I say, we should sound the alarm.
Wouldn't it be preferable to run?
Of course.
But a gentleman never runs.
No, not there.
Not there either.
Perfect.
Clear this away, please.
And send for Sir Jolitorax.
Yes, Your Majesty.
With his underhanded methods,
Mr. Caesar has almost annihilated
our army.
Behave, children.
But every remaining free man is here now
and we shall battle to the end.
All the same, Jolitorax,
I wonder
if we can hold out
against the Roman legions forever.
One village has managed this feat.
Really?
Yes. They say its inhabitants
have held out
thanks to a magic potion
that makes them invincible.
If Her Majesty allows,
I shall go and ask them
for help in person.
That's a jolly good idea, Jolitorax.
Where is this remarkable village?
Well?
In Gaul, Your Majesty.
You want to seek help from the Gauls?
Mightn't it be preferable
to be invaded?
Ok for the Gauls.
Jolly good luck, Jolitorax.
And all that sort of thing.
Goudurix...
It's time to wake up.
- Should we start?
- Start what?
- Bashing him around.
- Obelix...
Our leader Abraracourcix entrusted us
with his nephew Goudurix.
To make a man out of him!
It won't happen if we don't bash him.
Obelix, those old-fashioned methods
aren't for us.
Patience, psychology,
and a gentle guiding hand.
That's our method.
The lad will blossom into
a responsible man we can be proud of.
- So do we bash him or not?
- No.
Goudurix,
we wake up early in the country.
In Lutetia this is when I go to bed.
So get lost, bumpkins,
I won't move from this bed.
Obelix...
What? I used psychology.
I didn't bash him around.
He didn't want to move?
The bed moved.
- You guys are crazy!
- It isn't fun for us.
It's for your own good. Let's go.
I've got to get dressed
and do my hair first.
Goudurix, you've been in there
for two hours!
Should I use some more psychology?
Come on.
Your hair's just the same.
No way. Before it wasn't done.
This is the "undone done" look.
It takes a lot of work.
Ok, let's go to the forest.
Exercise No. 1:
"How to whip Romans."
What?
Violence is for the weak.
What did you say?
Sorry, Asterix, I lost control.
It's only human.
And at least
it didn't mess up your hair!
- You guys are crazy!
- No.
Come on, follow us.
With a little luck, We'll find a patrol.
There aren't many Romans left,
they're all in Britain...
Where'd he go?
I'm lucky to live in Lutetia.
But I needed a change of scenery
so I came to the country.
I think it'll help my songwriting.
I'm a bard.
Hey, you just gave me an idea!
Really?
I'll build ye a dolmen
Where love will reign
Where love is everything
And you'll be my queen...
How pretty!
That's because you inspired it.
Excuse me,
you're not here to court pretty girls
but to become a man.
Hey, morons,
a man isn't necessarily
a thick-headed brute.
A man can be someone sensitive
who can say "I love you",
who's not afraid to cry.
Oh, how true!
So if you'd kindly blow off, peasants.
No, let me.
I say. I believe I've found
the right place.
You've travelled far, British friend.
What can I offer you?
Wild boar? A beer?
A cup of hot water, please.
Is that all?
With a cloud of milk. Thank you.
Asterix, Obelix,
meet Jolitorax.
He's just arrived from Britain
to seek our help
against the Roman invader.
Hullo.
Please, shake me by the hand.
- Obelix!
- Obelix, behave!
- He said to shake him.
- He's a Brit. They talk different.
Are you ok?
Jolly good show.
What strength!
I suppose it's the magic potion?
Obelix fell in it as a baby.
Not again...
I
with that strength,
we'd easily beat the Romans, eh what!
- Why do you keep saying "what"?
- Say what's what?
I asked Panoramix
to prepare some magic potion.
That's a lot of potion.
That is why you and Obelix
will escort him.
It mustn't fall into enemy hands.
We're going to Britain!
There'll be brand new Romans.
And to be honest,
I won't miss your nephew.
Goudurix is coming with us.
With Idefix, there won't be room!
It's the opportunity
to perfect his education.
No...
Chief?
He said no.
He says you're too little.
It's too far and there's no room.
He'd rather we take that imbecile...
We'll be back soon.
We give them the barrel: hello, goodbye.
And that's it.
You won't miss much.
Yes, there'll be lots of Romans.
But you know,
Romans are like oysters,
too many make you sick.
Be good.
Watch over the house.
I'm counting on you.
I didn't join the legion for this.
I joined to serve Rome,
not arrest illegal alienus all clay long.
Caesar said: for the empire's stability,
migratory flows must be controlled.
And what does that mean?
It means, uh...
Look, orders are orders. Don't argue.
Caught red-handed!
What?
Gauls can go to the beach.
I smell illegal alienus.
Let's check their ID.
- Count me out.
- What?
It's a bum rap.
To each his own sense of duty.
It's your conscience.
Roman legion, border control!
Show me your papyrus.
Here.
- That's the old model.
- Oh yeah?
The new ones are stone.
Impossible to forge.
There're too many fakes.
What's in the barrel?
The problem with Romans
is that they're overeager.
Talking about me?
Jolitorax,
it's time you tested the potion.
What's that?
One second, please.
I may lack a sense of duty,
but when it comes to survival...
- Well?
- They're holding out.
BY Jupiter!
My sapiens has its limits!
You mean your patience?
No, my sapiens. Wisdom.
Don't you speak Latin?
I'm asking the Senate
for reinforcements.
Ave, Caesar!
A delegation of senators
is requesting an audience.
Extraordinary! I think of the Senate
and the Senate comes to me.
I'm popular with the gods!
Show them in
and prepare a little orgy.
They'll like that.
Ave,
honourable members of the Senate.
It is a privilege...
Ave, Caesar.
Senator Lucius Fouinus.
The Senate commissioned us
to audit your accounts.
To do what?
Audit your accounts. It's Latin.
It means...
I know what it means!
I've looked at your books.
They're not very clear.
Oh really?
For example...
This expense of 20,000 sesterces
for a round-trip journey
- Alexandria-Londinium -
by private galley.
Cleopatra came for the weekend.
Can't Cleopatra take a regular boat?
She is the Queen of Egypt.
Then why doesn't Egypt pay?
My men and I will examine this.
I hope no one will try to influence us.
I wouldn't dream of it.
The Senators' orgy is ready.
Should I call the girls?
What about our reinforcements?
Forgive me, O Great Caesar,
but I might have an idea.
I'm listening.
Why not use our secret funds
to hire mercenaries
to do our dirty work?
Supposing such "secret funds" existed...
Who do you have in mind?
The worst barbarians of all, Caesar.
The Normans.
A fearsome people from the North
where the snow never melts
and it's dark for six months.
These merciless warriors
who drink from their enemies' skulls
have one particularity...
they do not know fear!
What's your name?
Megacursus, O Noble Caesar,
to honour and serve you.
Well, Megacursus,
go find the Normans and hire them.
If you succeed in this mission,
you'll be a rich man.
And now let's enjoy that orgy.
- I despise waste.
- Me too?
No. You'll get an orgy-basket
for your trip.
Why did you
desert me
Why did you abandon me
Why did you ditch me...
I understand why.
Why is it all over
Why did you leave me...
You're giving me a headache.
- I'm expressing myself.
- I'll express a bashing!
Obelix, patience and psychology.
Goudurix, what do you want to be?
I want to be a bard.
But the old man wants me
to be a druid.
Druid is a fascinating profession.
Yeah right, 60 years of schooling.
No thanks.
What's a British hunk?
A tourist!
Don't take it personally.
It's because in Gaul
we say that the Brits are kind of...
I mean, you're not very...
What about you?
How do the Britons see us?
I say. We find you arrogant,
loudmouthed, lecherous,
cowardly, uncultivated...
and dirty.
Why did you forsake me...
Stop bleating like a lamb,
you'll never become a man.
What's a man in your book?
Two guys like you
who live together with a little dog?
I'll kill him.
We promised the chief
we'd bring him back safe and sound.
Calm down.
In Britain, two men living together
is quite common.
That's not the same thing.
I think there's
a little misunderstanding.
We don't live together,
we share lodgings.
It's more like we're roommates.
It's like co-workers
who have the same hours.
It's a question of practicality.
I never Would've left you
I never would've gone...
Bless you, Obelix.
It wasn't me.
Sorry.
I'm sorry to impose my presence on you
in your jolly-boat, noble travellers.
But I must reach Britain
and regular boat lines
don't like illegal alienus like me.
I say, he is original, eh what?
Don't worry,
when we land,
I'll depart and bother you no more.
You're no bother.
But why Britain, mister...?
Pindepis. My name is Pindepis.
I come from a poor,
distant land in the Ganges Valley.
They say you can get rich in Britain,
so I decided to try my luck.
What's that?
A plant from back home.
It grows all over.
I feel less lonely with it.
So please don't throw me overboard.
I can't swim!
I'm hungry.
Me too.
I say, I believe we have a message.
Your Majesty, a message from Jolitorax.
What does he say?
"Your Majesty, I have the pleasure
of informing you
"that the barrel
has reached British soil.
"Faithfully yours, Jolitorax."
Excellent news. Isn't it, dears?
Hey dudes, hiking isn't my thing.
- If you want to become a man...
- Drop it.
I say. A calm and peaceful spot
to have a bite to eat.
I hope they have wild boar.
JOLLY BOAR INN
Hullo.
Hullo.
Would you like supper?
Yes, rather.
We'd like four orders of boar.
Of course. Go sit over there.
Hullo.
Is that their boar?
Doesn't look jolly to me.
It's a British delicacy:
boiled boar with mint sauce.
Delicious.
Why does it smell like fish?
Because we always boil it
with cod liver.
Otherwise it would have no taste.
Poor beast.
Ave.
We're looking for Gauls
who disembarked illegally.
Ave. Last name, first name,
profession and place of residence.
But of course.
We're British merchants
on a business trip.
My name is Jolitorax,
and this is Asterax.
Hullo.
Obelax...
- Hello.
- No. "Hullo".
- Hello.
- One second. "Hullo".
No, "hullo".
It's a short "u".
Hullo.
That's it.
And my nephew... Pain-in-the-ax.
The poor boy is mute.
Soldiers! Search the inn!
Enjoy your meal, Britons.
I don't know
how you can eat that stuff...
You Britons.
Nothing to report, sir.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Have a good journey.
By Toutatis!
In the name of Rome,
surrender, Gauls!
Bravo! Good job blending in.
It's not my fault.
Wild boar with cod liver is inhuman.
You're right, it's not your fault.
It never has been
and probably never will.
Are you trying to be nice?
You know what?
Even when you're around, I feel lonely.
I'm intellectually undernourished.
Come on, we get on.
No. I put up with you.
I knock myself out
for a walking calamity, a curse,
a natural disaster named Obelix.
And what do I get?
Nothing.
I sacrifice myself for nothing.
So you see, I'm fed up.
Frankly,
"two guys who live together
with a little dog" isn't for me.
What've you got against Idefix?
I need to meet someone.
Who?
Who knows! But it'll never happen
with you clinging to me.
What's his problem?
He has to meet someone
but he doesn't know who.
So of course he's irritable.
Caesar was very clear,
if you wipe out
the village of British rebels,
he'll shower you with gold.
Gold only brings luxury
and luxury weakens men's spirits.
Is that what you want, Roman?
To weaken us?
Not on my life, Grossebaf.
Only fear could tempt us
to travel to this country.
Fear?
Even the weakest nations know fear.
But not us!
Not us!
Yet we've tried everything.
We've carried out experiments...
Well?
Still more pain than fear.
We've tried to instil it
in our infants...
Without' success.
Fear escapes us.
By Odin, we want to know it!
We want to know it!
But why?
He asks why...
Everyone knows
that fear gives you wings, Roman!
And my warriors and I dream of flying.
Like birds.
Then you're in luck.
Britons are the most fearful people
in the world.
They are?
Yes, of course.
Every time you ask them a question,
they answer:
"I'm afraid that..." or "I fear that..."
Then it's decided!
By Odin, We're sailing for Britain!
Gentlemen...
Welcome to Londinium.
The Romans are looking for us.
Let's hide the barrel.
Good idea. But where?
Use your heads. Where is the best place
to hide a tree? A forest.
So the best place to hide a barrel?
A forest?
A...?
A forest...
An inn!
With other barrels.
Excellent
I know just the place.
Cousin Jolitorax,
fearfully pleased to see you.
I say, me too, Relax.
But let's not get emotional.
I'm on a mission for the Queen.
I'll bid farewell to my wife
and I'm yours.
Not necessary. We only want
to hide this barrel with yours.
I see. Easy as pie.
We'll put it in the cellar.
Follow me.
One stout, please.
The energy in this town is amazing.
Excuse me?
The energy here is amazing.
You feel like anything's possible.
Yeah, maybe.
No, it's true. I'm from Lutetia.
It's dead in comparison.
It's stuck in a time warp.
- You're from Lutetia?
- Yeah.
Well, not far.
Barely a two-week walk.
People sure do like stout here.
- Next one's on me.
- No, thank you...
I insist.
I know what you're thinking.
"He's a Gaul, watch out,
they're all Womanizers."
Well not me. I'm no womanizer.
I'm just a guy who loves life.
Life's magical,
timeless moments, you see?
Here, getting to know each other.
I'm full of energy like this town.
I want to live, to laugh, to cry.
Yes, I'm a man who knows how to cry.
I'm not ashamed to say I cry.
I cry very often. Over nothing.
Do you like men who cry?
Not really.
How's everything?
ls the barrel safe?
- What?
- You've got some froth...
So, what do we do now?
Well,
I suppose we could pay
a surprise visit to Ophelia.
Who's Ophelia?
My fiancee.
There's still some...
I'd heard British chicks were dogs,
but she's hot.
Yes, she is pretty.
That black dress really suits her.
Jolitorax...
What a jolly surprise.
I'm frightfully happy too.
But no effusiveness.
I'm on a mission for the Queen.
Since I was in Londinium
I wanted you to meet...
Goudurix. Cool.
Okay you, calm down!
She's his fiancee. Show some respect.
- Forgive him, he's young.
- It's of no importance.
Asterix. At your service.
Pleased to meet you.
Very pleased.
- My friends are...
- Gauls.
We guessed as much.
By the accent?
No, by the smell.
Mother and Father are away,
but I insist you stay.
Miss Macintosh and I
shall prepare a meal for you.
The energy in this town is amazing.
Oh, really?
You really feel like
anything's possible here...
You could meet fabulous people,
exchange ideas,
fall in love,
have intense but brief adventures...
You know, all that.
I hear you and your friend
have a little dog.
You didn't bring it?
No.
What's this?
Illegal Gauls
with a secret weapon in a barrel?
Yes. We're arresting all Gaul residents.
Women and children too.
We'll burn their houses down.
- No. We need to find the barrel.
- But how?
Use your heads...
Where is the best place to hide a tree?
A forest!
So the best place
to hide a barrel would be...
An inn!
Search every cellar
of every inn in Londinium
and confiscate every barrel!
What about the tree?
Find that barrel!
I'll have you boiled
and served to the lions with mint sauce!
I don't think she likes me.
Who's that?
Miss Makichtok. She doesn't like me.
With her looks she shouldn't be picky.
It doesn't show much
that you and Ophelia are engaged.
I'd say it doesn't show at all.
That's because we Britons
are sticklers for proprieties.
A gentleman
must never, under any circumstance,
compromise his fiancee
by being too... how should I put it?
Overbearing.
Unescorted visits must be rare
and last only a fleeting moment.
And when was your last one?
Last year.
I see.
I say, when Ophelia
invited us to stay, I hesitated.
But I'm glad
I had the audacity to accept.
Would you have the audacity
to pass the salt?
Sorry.
You really like
Miss What's-Her-Face?
Then give her a present.
It always works.
That's a good idea.
I know...
In the name of Rome, open up!
Search the inn!
Legionaries!
There's a secret weapon
in one of these barrels.
To find it, we will apply
methodology and rigour.
You make a hole, you taste.
If anything tastes suspicious,
let us know.
Otherwise, mark the barrel
and move on to the next.
Is that clear?
On my command!
Action!
The rhododendrons
have come on nicely this year.
Oh, really?
The begonias too.
But not the sunflowers.
I'm terribly sorry to hear it.
That must've taken ages to make.
The Macintoshes have been working
on this tapestry for five generations.
I see.
When it's finished,
it will be my family's pride and joy.
The energy in this town
really is amazing...
Sorry.
Sorry to burst in on you.
The Romans seized
the barrel of magic potion!
If you want to find it,
it has "Relax" written on it.
Ave, Claudius Lapsus, let me taste.
No, it's my barrel.
It's not yours, it's everybody's.
Hey, you!
Come here.
- Do I knock him out?
- Yes, quietly.
Obelix, quietly!
I understood.
Very good.
You're a swell pal.
Come on, we've no time to lose.
I can drink this,
I didn't fall into it.
Over here.
Take them all. We'll sort them later.
Obelix, help us.
I don't believe it.
I just tasted a tiny bit.
Hardly at all.
Like the great Caesar said,
we are here to promote
the values of our grand civilisation.
But we will not succeed
if the natives perceive us as enemies.
The Britons are proud.
Treat them with courtesy.
Show them we are a great nation.
Here's an opportunity to demonstrate.
A jolly good day
and all that sort of thing,
British friends.
You see? If we don't,
we have a fat chance.
Who called me fat?
Who called me fat?
Who called me fat?
Obelix!
Goodness gracious.
An abandoned cart...
A pure stroke of luck for a cart thief!
Bravo, Obelix! Good job blending in.
Run, Jolitorax!
Sorry, Asterix, a gentleman never runs.
Excuse me, you didn't see a...
- You're a Gaul!
- Yes, but not from Lutetia.
What're you doing here?
Looking for a barrel.
Did you see...
I love Gauls!
You're so much more fun than Britons.
Thanks... Oh really?
You don't have a pigeonhole
where I could reach you?
It's one of the Gauls.
Pick him up!
Sir Jolitorax!
Something unspeakable has happened.
I say, calm down, Miss Macintosh.
It's frightful!
Miss Ophelia has disappeared.
Calm down, dear lady.
And worse yet, with Goudurix!
They wanted to take a stroll
on the beach.
Naturally, I flatly refused.
But that devil Goudurix
stole a cart and...
and the two of them ran off!
Very well. I shall handle this.
Which way did they go?
That way.
Oh, I'm awful.
No, no. You're doing great.
Why didn't you help them
search for the barrel of magic potion?
You're my magic potion.
How sweet of you.
It's not sweet, it's true.
Their potion has nothing to do
with strength.
Really?
Then what is strength about?
This...
That's not appropriate.
You Brits are so uptight.
Chicks are easier in Lutetia.
Really?
You bet! They know kissing
isn't about being appropriate.
It's about timing...
and this was the right time.
But if you don't want to...
Wait...
It's a Gaul kiss.
Come on, it's no big...
- Are those Britons?
- They're not very big.
Hiding behind me?
That's very cowardly.
I don't care.
We're looking for Caesar and his army.
Do you know where they are?
I don't want to die!
- Pull yourself together.
- I'm too afraid!
I say, you're the champion of fear!
Did you hear that, Yadutaf?
Catch him, Tetedepiaf,
before he flies away.
I'll bring him to camp.
Go to the nearest village,
ask for Caesar
and then kill everyone.
How do I find the village?
She'll take you.
- Then what do I do with her?
- You kill her too, stupid.
Oh yeah, right.
A jolly good day to you, foreign friend.
Wait. First, we must agree on the rules.
What rules?
Okay, no rules.
Thank you.
It was nothing.
I needed some exercise anyhow.
I hear you didn't go out alone.
The Normans kidnapped Goudurix!
I'm very worried.
Rightly so, my dear.
The odds are
he's been turned into melba toast.
How awful!
Yes, it is, eh what!
Well then, I suggest we go home.
Your insensibility
saddens me deeply.
I too have reason to feel sad.
But I do not offend you by blaming you.
So be it!
I strayed from the righteous path.
But how could I not?
You're as tedious
as a winter's day
and stiffer than Miss Macintosh.
It took you six months to address me,
one year to ask for my hand,
and we've barely exchanged
ten words since.
When might I hope for
a bit of company,
perhaps even some human warmth?
On my death bed?
My conduct has been
that of a British gentleman.
If this does not suit you,
then we were not meant for each other.
What're you doing here?
I was arrested during an ID check.
I'll be deported on the next caravan.
YOU!
Come with me.
Move it.
Excuse me,
may I have some water for my plant?
It needs it badly.
Doesn't need it anymore.
Why?
Why what?
Why are you always under my feet?
Hey, Jules, every tale
has a good guy and a bad guy.
And you're the bad guy?
No, you're the bad guy.
These are the adventures of Asterix,
not Caesar.
The adventures of Asterix!
See this? "The Gallic Wars."
The adventures of Julius Caesar,
by Julius Caesar, in six volumes.
That my friend, is History.
Sounds megalomaniac to me.
I don't think you fully realise
who I am.
My reign will have such impact
that in 2,000 years
people will say,
"We're in the year 2000 J.C."
- But what have you done?
- Me?
Yes, you with your smirk.
What's your claim to fame?
I don't claim much.
I just try to be a decent guy.
I wake up happy.
My pals and I help each other.
We laugh, we argue.
And every Sunday,
we eat a big wild boar together.
You've sold out.
No, I haven't.
In my village, I'm very respected.
- In your village?
- Yes.
That doesn't thrill me.
Listen, I have a proposal to make.
Come and work for me.
Your mind united with my power...
we'd make a smashing team.
Why would I do that?
Because I'm your father.
No...
You believed it! Yes, you did.
You fell for it!
Not at all.
Rubbish.
You're fighting the wrong battle.
Defending the oppressed
is wasted sentimentality.
It might flatter the ego,
but it's useless.
You barely save one race
and another massacres them.
You must be realistic and lucid.
There's no point.
Besides these Britons are odd.
They're playing Mr. Jolly now,
but at the first chance, they'll
declare war on you for 100 years!
Listen to me.
You give me the barrel,
I finish my invasion,
and we wipe out their civilisation.
No more hot water,
no more boiled meat.
And we make them talk normally.
Wouldn't that be a service to humanity?
Yes.
But no.
Take him away.
Torture him until he talks!
Enough! He wears me out.
- He's awake!
- The champion's awake!
The champion! The champion!
Chief, it's the champion.
Scare us.
- Excuse me?
- Scare us!
We travelled far to discover fear.
I demand that you teach us.
Fear? Fear is...
I don't know...
You tremble, you sweat,
your teeth chatter,
you get a stomach ache...
It's the flu! Fear is the flu!
How do you catch it?
I caught it kissing my cousin Epitafe.
For the last time, Norman,
I'm asking you...
Where did they take Goudurix?
My dear Ophelia,
I fear that isn't proper behaviour.
Mr. Tetedepiaf,
though your presence here was not
your choice, so to speak,
we shall do everything
to ensure you have a pleasant stay.
So please, if you have
any needs whatsoever, just ask us.
You-want-me-give-something-you?
Drink!
I'm afraid I didn't hear correctly.
I want drink! Give me!
So many mistakes in so few words!
Firstly, one does not "want" something,
one "hopes".
Or at best, one "wishes".
Secondly,
we Britons are very fussy
about forms of address.
Thirdly and last,
it is customary,
when expressing a request,
to add polite phrases.
I'm thirsty!
This time, very exceptionally,
I shall show flexibility
and give into your request.
It's hot!
By Odin,
you want to poison me, witch?
You, you... Untie me!
Untie me!
By Odin, untie me!
My dear Ophelia,
I believe Mr. Tetedepiaf
would greatly benefit
from a crash course in proper manners.
If several gentlemen are seated
and a lady enters the room,
the gentlemen must immediately
get to their feet
and wait for the lady
to invite them to sit.
Either verbally or with a gentle nod.
Like this.
If the lady wishes to sit down,
one of the gentlemen,
the first one to her left, of course,
must come and stand behind...
So, Gaul, where's the barrel?
Do you enjoy torturing people?
I mean, is it a job you'd recommend
to Young people?
I'm serious,
one rarely gets to meet you people.
And when you do,
it's usually all over.
Where's the barrel?
In your case, was it a vocation?
A passion that became a profession?
Or did a career counsellor orient you?
Because it's obviously not a sideline,
you do a fine job.
But then I thought,
if you didn't choose it, why continue?
Ok, ok!
I'll talk.
I feel like talking now.
I'm listening.
What if we decided to call it quits?
Why don't we preach
love and fraternity instead?
Too bad for you, Gaul.
Yes?
Who is it?
A jolly good day.
I thought you'd never get here!
Free me, I'm burning up.
What're you waiting for?
I'm thinking about what you said.
Each man for himself...
Obelix...
Maybe we should take a breather.
This isn't funny.
It's cruel of me
to bring up ancient history.
Let's go.
We'll leave Asterix alone...
You want an apology?
Ok! But not like this.
Why not?
It'll mean nothing.
I'll have done it under duress.
Free me,
and I'll apologise of my own accord.
It's crazy,
even their cranks turn the Wrong way!
What about your apology?
Goodbye, Pindepis.
Sorry about your plant.
I kept the leaves. I'm sure
they'll continue bringing me good luck.
Goodbye. And thanks again.
Where's the barrel?
Gone.
Then we'd be wise to split up.
I'll look for the barrel.
You, for Goudurix.
Goudurix? Why Goudurix?
You refuse to deliver your secret.
No, I swear...
We could cut him open to find his fear.
Yeah. Cut him open.
Cut him open! Cut him open!
Enough fun and games.
Wake him up and take him to the cliff.
I want to see a flight demonstration.
Perfect.
A cloud of milk
in your hot water, Mr. Tetedepiaf?
Thank you, a spot.
As you can see, Miss Macintosh
has transformed Mr. Tetedepiaf
into a perfect gentleman.
Unfortunately,
he still refuses to say
where Goudurix was taken.
Believe me when I say I'm sorry,
but a gentleman never betrays
his companions-in-arms.
We'll let him escape.
He'll lead us to his people.
Miss Macintosh,
could you come to the kitchen
with me for a minute?
Say, Obelix...
weren't we supposed to go
boar hunting in the forest?
No, Why?
Yes, I said to you,
"Let's go boar hunting in the forest."
Oh yes, of course!
Let's go to the forest!
There you go.
Yes, let's go boar hunting
in the forest!
That's what I said.
Ready to go?
Where?
What? I know it's for fake.
What do you want?
Excuse me for disturbing you,
but is that your cart?
What do you care?
It contained some barrels
that were stolen from me.
And?
And I believe their disappearance
is not news to you.
Are you insinuating
that I look like a thief?
Well...
Yes.
Are we going to the forest?
Ok, I'll take care of it.
Have a seat, Mr. Tetedepiaf.
I just wanted to know
if you intended to stay for supper?
Because if you did,
I shall need to do
some extra grocery shopping.
I would truly be delighted.
Unfortunately, I have another date.
I didn't quite get that.
It's simple. I hinted that
he was not expected for supper
and like a perfect gentleman,
he did not wish to abuse my hospitality
and so he left.
That's all.
That's all.
A jolly good day to you.
Likewise.
Oh no...
No!
No! I'll do anything you want!
I'll learn Norman! Eat seal!
Dye my hair blond!
Don't throw me!
Have mercy!
- What's "mercy"?
- Another of their inventions.
You fly down there, make a turn,
then land over there.
Don't worry about the itinerary.
It's all mapped out.
Ok, go.
No!
Look!
Tetedepiaf!
A jolly good day to you, Chief.
May this humble bouquet
touch your heart.
In any case,
I picked it with love.
We're not here
to taste the local specialties.
Where were you?
I was a guest in a fine home
where the hospitality
was irreproachable.
But no matter...
I'm unspeakably happy
to see you all again.
You're right, no sentimentality.
Okay, let's go...
He's been bewitched.
Bewitched!
No, you're mistaken.
I wasn't bewitched,
I was educated.
Educated?
Indeed. Educated.
BY Who?
By her...
She'll educate us too!
Like Tetedepiaf!
You there!
Come here so I can punish you!
What's happening to us?
- My body's trembling!
- I'm sweating!
I have a stomach ache!
That means we're afraid!
Follow me!
Now that we've mastered fear,
we'll fly away.
Hey you!
Get back here!
Savage! Brutish lout!
Moron!
You and your people
are backward beasts!
Savages, vandals, pigs!
What am I saying?
Bacon on legs
with cottage cheese brains!
And all that sort of thing.
I'm so hungry
I could eat my own stomach.
How would you digest it?
A new message from Jolitorax.
Thank God!
I hope he'll soon be here.
"I hope Her Majesty is well
and in good health.
"The weather here is mild
with scattered showers,
"but nothing worrying.
"Your faithful servant, Jolitorax."
Send a message to Jolitorax.
I want to know where that barrel is.
Mr. Obelix...
Yes?
Would you have the good grace
to forget what you saw and heard
by the cliff earlier?
You can count on me.
I'll be as mute as a dolmen.
Thank you, Mr. Obelix.
It would seem
that you are a gentleman after all.
That's not enough! I need four!
One, two, three and four!
The 8th Legion arrives in six days.
Too long!
Tell them to step up the pace.
The men haven't slept
under a roof in weeks.
So what? This is the country.
Camping's fun, no?
A message from Langelus:
"Build fortification."
No time!
Let me talk to him!
Hello, Langelus?
Hello?
Lang... It doesn't work.
It doesn't work!
I'll never understand women.
If you don't look, you don't find.
But you can't look too hard either.
So you have to look without looking
while pretending not to look.
That's over my head.
What do you say?
I think women...
No, shut up.
I like it better.
Well?
I think I know where the barrel is.
It was sold to an innkeeper
who sold it to the Camulodunum team.
The team of what?
A typically British sport
where two teams of 15 players
fight over a bladder.
Sounds like fun.
Camulodunum is playing today.
The barrel's sure to be there.
I'll get Obelix and we're off.
I challenge you to a duel.
You have no idea
what I've been through. So just...
Take that sword and fight, coward!
Are you nuts? That hurt!
What's going on?
I fear this is a private matter.
I think he's using psychology.
- What if something happens?
- We'll explain.
Well?
We'll explain it.
Does your cowardice know no limits?
It's not cowardice!
Please,
don't claim your honour is at stake.
You merely wish
to appease your jealousy.
I think she's got a point.
You are prompt to criticise me again.
And you persist in shirking your duty.
- What do you mean?
- Seems obvious to me.
You really are too stupid.
So be it! Kill him!
But if you do, you shall lose
all credibility in my eyes.
True courage is not
killing a young fool in a duel...
It's daring to look a woman in the eye
and tell her your feelings.
Women, women, women...
Weak and disappointing creatures.
She's right, it's important
to express your feelings.
Really?
Yeah. If you love her, tell her.
Let it all hang out, old man.
Ophelia?
I wanted to tell you
about my feelings.
Miss Macintosh.
Jolly nice day, eh what?
I feel totally empty.
I have no energy.
I've encountered obstacles in the past,
but usually,
the desire to conquer wins out.
This time, my batteries are dead.
This desire to conquer...
What does it evoke?
Power and glory. I won't lie to you.
Power?
Dominating others. Subjugating them.
And also, I like it when people
are indebted towards me.
For example, I enjoy granting pardons.
When a condemned man
is about to be executed,
I show up at the last minute
and pardon him.
I like that a lot.
Yes, I like that a lot.
It's very pleasant.
What are the rules?
It's simple.
Each team must carry the bladder
over the other team's goal line.
Almost anything's allowed,
except the use of weapons.
Unless there's a prior agreement.
The stadium is too big.
We need a man at every exit.
Hey, I'm the one who decides.
The stadium is too big.
We'll change tactics.
You, you and you...
watch the other exits.
You, go for reinforcements.
Excellent idea!
Look! What's he doing?
You're out!
That is not a gentleman.
This is great.
That's the magic potion
or some very good wine.
We've been through hard times.
But today,
unless the sky falls on our heads...
- What's that noise?
- What?
I said, what's that whistling?
Oh no...
I'm tired. I'm so tired.
Excuse me. This barrel is ours,
we'd like it back.
In the name of Rome!
I requisition that barrel.
Take the barrel and run.
It's my barrel.
Let go!
Let's go.
Halt!
In the name of Rome!
Halt!
- Give me the bladder.
- No, I want to score.
Take to the river!
Charge!
Catch them!
This is no good.
Pindepis?
- What're you doing here?
- The Romans recaptured me.
They forced me to join their army.
Take that off and come with us.
Ok, and now what?
We break the bad news to the Queen.
Let us waste no time.
Not me.
What do you mean "not me"?
I promised Miss Macintosh
I'd attend a hot water party
with her girlfriends.
- You're joking.
- No.
I promised.
And a gentleman honours his promises.
That's enough, Obelix.
I recall we're on a mission.
That's your duty!
You cannot understand the sentiments
that bind Miss Macintosh and me.
Oh, I see!
Sire has sentiments now, does he?
Sire has become a gentleman?
You know what I think?
You're pathetic.
Pathetic and grotesque.
Very well.
Obelix!
I'll take care of this.
Obelix... Wait!
I think he really is angry.
This looks like doomsday.
It would seem that the siege
has been trying, eh what?
We can't tell them
we have no magic potion!
Calm down, Goudurix.
Very funny.
They'll either commit suicide
or lynch us.
Gentlemen, I'm happy
you are amongst us at last.
I'm impatient to see the effects
of your famous magic potion.
In regard to the magic potion,
Your Majesty...
We brought back a large quantity
in a barrel...
which is currently...
at the bottom of the Thames.
But it doesn't matter, Your Majesty.
Oh really?
Oh really?
Oh really?
I have the ingredients to make enough
for the entire village.
What jolly good news.
You almost scared me.
If you would kindly have a large
cauldron of boiling water prepared...
I admit I do not understand.
We have to fake it.
Pindepis...
How much of your plant
do you have left?
This much.
I need it.
This is all I have.
I know.
So...
I hear you are endowed
with exceptional strength, Mr. Obelix.
I try to keep myself in shape,
nothing more.
Do YOU play a sport?
Our boys start sports very young.
It fortifies them.
More important,
it instils a sense of camaraderie.
Personally, I think that friendship
is by far the strongest bond
between two people.
What do you think, Mr. Obelix?
Our friend would like to know
whether you think that friendship
is the strongest bond
between two people?
Asterix...
Once again,
Roman discipline triumphs
over barbarian chaos.
The fanatical Gaul commando squad,
who underhandedly tried to rally
the British rebels,
has been wiped out.
And their so-called
secret weapon destroyed!
The time has come
to wipe out the terrorist village!
It's ready.
I say, it's far simpler than I thought.
Gentlemen, please...
Excellent
Very invigorating.
I'm already feeling the effects.
Might I have a cloud of milk
with my potion?
Attack formation!
Attack formation!
Forward... march!
Legions! Halt!
Ave, Roman.
Hey, I just wanted to play fair
as the Brits say...
We have the magic potion,
so you can still surrender.
I know him!
He's one of the invincible Gauls.
Yes, I'm afraid so.
What are they doing?
What are they doing!
Fall in!
Fall in!
- I thought they were dead!
- He's alive.
- His fat friend can't be far.
- Hush, he's super-sensitive.
If the Britons have the magic potion,
we're goners.
I think they're ripe. Ready?
I say. Your friend doesn't look well.
Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Something wrong?
I was thinking,
maybe I'll just wait for you here.
- Goudurix...
- They'll slaughter us!
Listen to me. What we gave them
wasn't magic potion, it was hope,
and that's all they have.
If we lose heart, so will they.
Is that what you want?
The time has come to become a man.
Afterwards, it'll be too late.
Stay in formation!
They'll slaughter us!
Close ranks!
Close ranks!
They don't have magic powers!
They're bluffing.
They don't have magic powers.
Close ranks! Attack!
They're bluffing!
What the...
What is that?
Obelix?
Obelix!
Wait.
One, you have no right
to decide what's good for me.
I want that to be very clear.
As for what you said,
that I'm a burden...
that you'd sacrificed everything...
Come on, Obelix...
I've thought about it.
It's not a sacrifice.
A sacrifice is when
you get nothing in return.
But you can't say that.
Because you know what you get?
You get a friend.
Obelix...
I'm ashamed about what happened.
Nothing happened.
Nothing happened.
I'm terribly sorry to interrupt...
But what do we do about them?
No!
I'm here!
That's that.
Let's wrap it up and go home.
My dear Gauls,
all Britain is grateful to you.
How cool. Thanks.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
But you owe your victory
to your courage alone.
It wasn't magic potion.
I guessed as much.
However, I tasted the concoction
and found it delicious.
What plant was it?
It's a plant that is widely used
in my country.
We call it "tea".
Well then, as of today,
I declare tea our national beverage.
Mr. Pindepis,
I wish to order 4,000 tons.
Thank you.
And you, Sir Jolitorax,
for your courage, for your valour,
and most importantly,
for promoting
the values of our great land,
I name you
Peer of the Realm.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
I would like, in turn,
to pay homage to the woman
who inspired me
throughout this long adventure...
Whose exceptional
and plentiful qualities
command my admiration
and my respect...
Whose radiant beauty
dazzles so brightly
that she could, all alone,
serve as a beacon
to ships lost in the fog...
Whose graceful figure
promises voluptuous delights...
and whose sensual lips
cry out for passionate embraces.
She who is my joy, my folly,
she who makes my head spin...
Ophelia, I waited far too long
to make this declaration,
I love you.
Nothing would make me happier...
Oh, shut up and kiss me!
I'm in for trouble.
Mr. Obelix!
Yes?
When a gentleman
abandons a lady, slap bang
in the midst of a social event,
humiliating the lady and inflicting
the mockery of her friends...
the affront is so great that he cannot
be considered a gentleman...
Unless,
of course,
Her Majesty's safety is at stake.
In that case, and in that case only,
he can, very exceptionally, be excused.
Thank you.
But...
I think that deep down, I'm a real Gaul.
And I a real Briton.
The time has come
for us to say farewell, Obelix.
And in the name of everything
we have shared,
I shall lay aside
the principles of my education
and allow myself to...
shake your hand.
It's...
In any case,
I'll never be the same again.
You'll see, Asterix,
you'll fall in love one clay too.
Ok, ok. I've made lots of contacts.
I'm so happy-
It's extraordinary.
The energy here is amazing,
don't you think?
Excuse me?
I said, the energy here is amazing.
Forgive me, O Caesar,
but for the end of the chapter
on the British campaign...
what should I write?
After several weeks of siege,
the Queen of the Britons
and her soldiers surrendered to Caesar,
who, showing magnanimity,
spared their lives
and sailed onto new conquests.
But...
What? ls something wrong?
No, no...
"The Adventures of Asterix..."
Now I've heard it all.