That's all, Gibraltar.
You keep on eating between meals,|you'll ruin your figure.
And if you keep on fooling around|that gorilla...
he'll ruin your figure.
He's a snob. Come on.
Jeff, even though Gibraltar likes you...
I wish you wouldn't|take so many chances with him.
Julie, if that would make you|worry about me...
I'd move right into the cage.
It might seem a little cramped|after that house of yours in Newport.
Newport? Where have I heard that before?
I remember.|That's something in my dim, dark past.
- Are you sure it's past?|- Positive.
You like running a circus, don't you?
I like everything about it. But everything.
That's what you say now...
but the smell of sawdust|can get awfully monotonous after a while.
Young lady, that's no way|to talk to your boss.
a sensationally new modern feature:
that exciting personality...
Miss Julie Randall!
There's my cue.
Point killer.
Step up and take a bow
Don't be modest, don't be shy
Show that thoroughbred look in your eye
Step up with grace and pride
Take that oompah, oompah, oompah
In your stride
Each heart begins to beat in rhyme
Oompah-pah, oomph in three-quarter time
Maidens swoon and ladies pine
Wonderful, isn't she?
She's all right.
But whoever heard|of anyone singing with a horse act?
The audience likes it.
Be gallant
Take a bow
At this time,|presenting that muscular marvel...
the strongest man in the world:
Goliath the mighty!
And now the mighty Goliath...
will catch three 100-pound balls|shot from cannon.
I'll fix you!
Mr. Carter? Where's Mr. Carter?
Hello, Joe. What's new? Don't tell me now.
I got no time. I got to find Mr. Carter.
Hello, Nick. How's the wife?
Tell me later. I'm in a hurry.|I got to find Mr. Carter.
Hello, Sam, and that's all.
You see, Jeff, I'm in kind of a jam.
- Hey, Mr. Carter.|- Just a minute, Tony.
Something's come up.|I've got to have the $10,000 I loaned you.
But it isn't due until Saturday night.
That's right,|but unless you have it for me...
I'm afraid I'll have to take the circus over|to raise the money. I'm in an awful spot.
That won't be necessary, John.|I'll have your money for you tonight.
- You'll what?|- Hey, Mr. Carter.
Shut up. I'm talking. Did you say tonight?
Yes. With today's receipts,|I'll have enough to pay you off.
I'll give you your money|on the circus train tonight.
That's fine.
- lf you please, Mr. Carter.|- What is it?
- Can I have a month off next August?|- What for?
I just got word from my lawyer.|He got me a divorce.
And one month every year|I win the custody of my wife's parents.
Take it up with Mr. Wilson.
What's the matter, boss?|Carter making trouble for you?
He's doing the best he can.|But don't you worry about it, Tony.
You know what I say?
When you got business trouble,|best thing to do is get a lawyer.
Then you got more trouble,|but at least you have a lawyer.
- Thanks, Tony.|- You can count on me, boss.
I ain't got nothing,|but you can always have half.
Poor Jeff. He's in plenty trouble.
Trouble...
This will bring him pretty quick.
- It's a straight wire?|- I think I bent it a little.
- Let's see.|- What's the idea, reading my telegram?
- I've got to count the words, don't I?|- All right.
Ten words, 55 cents.
You got something a little cheaper?
We've got regular form telegrams|for congratulations. That's 25 cents.
That's fine. Send him:|"Congratulations. Just got a big case."
Sorry. Congratulatory messages|apply only to special occasions.
For example,|suppose somebody gets married.
- That's a quarter.|- It ain't worth it.
No. I mean, suppose your sister|had a baby. You'd send her a telegram.
What for? She'd know it.
Come on, please take my telegram.|Here's two bits.
That's right, Antonio.|Don't let anybody on except the crew.
I got a lot of money on the train tonight,|so be careful.
I watch like a hawk, boss.
Nobody gets on the train|unless he's got a badge.
You bet. Nobody gets on the train|unless they got the badge.
Miss Julie, she's in there.
Tony, you're a very valuable man.
Hello, Julie.|Coffee and doughnuts. A la carte.
Jeff, I'm terribly sorry to read...
- What kind of doughnuts do you want?|- The best.
You seem pretty chipper...
for a boy|that's just kissed a fortune goodbye.
It's been a tough struggle,|but the circus is finally showing a profit.
Tonight I'm paying Carter|the money I owe him.
Jeff, that's wonderful!
Now the show will be all yours again,|free and clear.
You turned me down before|because you said I had enough obligations.
Now the only thing|standing in the way of our marriage is you.
I don't know why|I let you keep stalling me.
I must be crazy. I ought to see a doctor.|Get me a doctor.
What's the matter? You ain't tasted it yet.
Jeff Wilson, any young man|as stubborn as you are...
should be taught a lesson.
And I guess it's up to me|to do the teaching.
When are we getting married?
When? Was I hearing things, Julie?|Did you really mean what you said?
- Every word of it, darling.|- We'll be married tonight.
We can't tonight. There isn't time.
We'll be married tomorrow.|Do you hear, Julie? Tomorrow.
Two blind loves
Two blind loves
Do we know what we're doing?
Two blind loves
Don't know what month it is
Or the time of day
Don't know if we're in Brooklyn
Or in Mandalay
I only know the sun started to shine
The day that I looked into your eyes
And you looked into mine
Two blind loves
Babes in the wood
We've got it, oh, so bad
But isn't it good?
We're on a bumpy road, it's true
But heaven is in view
For two blind loves
Two blind loves
Two blind loves
Do we know what we're doing?
Two blind loves
Don't know from appetite
Don't know fish from steak
Don't know if it's a doughnut
Or a wedding cake
I only know the sun started to shine
The day that I looked into your eyes
And you looked into mine
Two blind loves
Babes in the wood
We've got it, oh, so bad
But isn't it good?
We're on a bumpy road, it's true
But heaven is in view
For two blind loves
- Where's your badge?|- Here it is.
Okay, Professor, where's your...|Miss Julie, it's you.
All right to get on the train? I got a badge.
Sure, Jeff. Okay.
Hey, mister. $18.75.
1875. That's what I thought.
The 1940 models run much smoother.
You'll think I'm on a scavenger hunt,|but I'm looking for Antonio Ferrelli.
Mr. Loophole, I'm sure glad to see you.
Tony. You old war-horse.
I haven't seen you|since I stopped taking Scott's Emulsion.
You know, I was afraid|you wasn't going to get here in time.
There, see? Another minute|and you'd miss the train.
But now that you're here|everything will be all right.
This is a big case.|You gonna make lots of money.
- This is your lucky day.|- I'll say it is.
Don't know what the trouble is...
but I'll straighten it out in no time.|See you inside.
Would you hold that train still|while I try to mount it?
I'm sorry. Nobody gets on the train|unless they got the badge.
- Badge?|- The badge, yeah.
You mean my Lone Ranger badge.
Sorry, they took it back.|I stopped eating the cereal.
- Now let me see your badge.|- I just haven't.
You no got the badge?
Quiet. The engineer|may be eavesdropping.
The circus is certainly lucky|to have you for a watchdog...
you old badger, you.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the laundry to get ironed out.|I'm roughdry now.
Hey, come here. I got an idea.
You know my boss Jeff Wilson?|He owns the circus. He'll give you a badge.
Say, that's fast thinking. I'll see him.
He'll give me a badge.|I'll get on the train. Fine.
- Where is Mr. Wilson?|- He's on the train.
On the train?
It was awfully nice of you|floating this case my way.
It's nothing.
If you hadn't sent for me...
I'd probably be home now|in a nice warm bedroom...
in a comfortable bed, with a hot toddy.
- That's a drink.|- That's too bad.
If it was up to me,|I'd let you on the train like that.
But it's not up to me.
No, but it's up to my ankles.
Tadpole, you better get out of the water.|You're gonna get wet.
Nonsense. If I was any drier, I'd drown.
You better get out of the dampness,|my friend.
Sure, you're my friend.|My very best friend.
Punchy, where's your badge?
Okay.
Celia, where's your badge?
Okay.
I know what you think.|Even the seal's got the badge.
And just think, because orders is orders...
I can't let my best friend on the train.
All right, I take a chance.|I don't care if I lose my job.
I'm going to give you a badge.|I'm going to give you my badge.
But promise you no tell. You swear.
They'll never get anything out of me,|unless they use a pump.
Last chance. All aboard.
Aren't you going to wait for Noah?
Right this way.
Just a minute, brother.|Have you got a badge?
Of course. Naturally.
Don't you know no one gets on the train|unless he has a badge?
What are you, a wise guy?|That's last year's badge.
Get away!
"Quiet is requested|for the benefit of those who have retired."
Excuse me a minute, Julie.
I've got some business to attend to.|I'll be back in a minute.
You thought you had him|up against a wall, didn't you?
If he pays you off tonight, you're through.
Yeah? He hasn't paid me off yet.
Professor.
Let's go.
This Loophole, he's a smart lawyer.
Maybe he figure a way out|how to fire the strongman.
Then you be the strongman?
That's fine.
Lawyer, you dressed yet?
After a fashion. And a pretty old fashion.
And I wish I had an Old Fashioned.
Told you I'd give you some nice clothes.
- Takes a magician to get into this coat.|- That's who I took it from. A magician.
Don't split hairs. I'm sick|of the whole thing. I'm going home.
This is a big case. This is a big circus.|You're going to get a big fee.
- Fee?|- Sure.
You're not only thoroughly detestable,|but you're cute.
- Then we're friends again?|- After an Old Fashioned.
I'd like you to meet the boss.
Mr. Wilson, mighty glad|to make your acquaintance.
Always wanted to meet you, sir.
Think you're the greatest circus owner|since P. T. Barnum.
Isn't it a pity we never met before?
Loophole, that's not the boss.
- He isn't?|- No.
He should be. He's the executive type.
I'll thank you to keep a civil tongue|in your head, not in mine.
Where is the boss?
- Punchy. What're you doing?|- What're you doing there?
Say, either my coat is inhabited,|or I'm inhibited.
There he goes.
Don't worry. He'll come back.|He's a homing pigeon.
Fine. I'll keep a light burning in my pocket.|Where's the boss?
Come on, we find him.
Folks, I want you to meet my pal,|my best friend.
What's your name again?
- Loophole.|- Glad to know you.
It's your pleasure.|This meeting brings back memories.
Childhood days, lemonade, romance!
My life was wrapped around a circus.|Her name was Lydia.
I met her at the World's Fair in 1900,|marked down from $19.40.
She was the most glorious creature
Under the sun
Thais! Du Barry! Garbo!
Rolled into one
Lydia, Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
Lydia the tattooed lady
She has eyes that folks adore so
And a torso even more so
Lydia, Lydia, that encyclopedia
Lydia, the queen of tattoo
On her back is the Battle of Waterloo
Beside it The Wreck of the Hesperus, too
Waves the red, white, and blue
You can learn a lot from Lydia
She will show you the world
If you step up and tell her where
For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paris
Or Washington crossing the Delaware
Lydia, Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
Lydia the tattooed lady
When her muscles start relaxing
Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson
Lydia, oh, Lydia, that encyclopedia
Lydia, the queen of them all
For two bits she will do a mazurka in jazz
With a view of Niagara that nobody has
And on a clear day you can see Alcatraz
You can learn a lot from Lydia
Buffalo Bill with his lasso
Just a little classic by Mendel Picasso
Exploring the Amazon
Here's Godiva, but with her pajamas on
Here is Grover Whelan unveiling the Trylon
We have Treasure Island
Here's Nijinsky doing the rumba
Here's her Social Security Number
Lydia, Lydia, that encyclopedia
Lydia, the champ of them all
Clear off his feet
Made his heart skip a beat
In command of the fleet
For he went and married Lydia
I said Lydia
He said Lydia
I said Lydia
We said Lydia
You make a pretty good banker, Gibraltar.
- Jeff's in the next car with the gorilla.|- They should be happy together.
Jeff, are you here?
Boss, what's the matter?|What happened here?
Here, take the other side.|I'll take this side.
Come on. Put him down here on the trunk.
That's it.
- Somebody hit him.|- I'm all right.
- Who's this?|- I've got an alibi. I wasn't here.
It's lucky you were hit tonight.|He's a lawyer.
- Feeling better, Mr. Wilson?|- It's gone!
- What?|- It's been stolen. My $10,000.
$10,000? That man's hurt bad.|Stand back and give him air.
- You lose the $10,000?|- He didn't lose it. It was stolen.
I've got to get that money back quick!
Never mind the $10,000. You go to bed.
He's right for once.|Come on, let me help you.
I'll take you through here.
Go ahead, Jeff. We stay here.|We'll find the money.
Punchy. We got to find Jeff's money.
Look, we do like detectives.|We re-destruct the crime.
All right, now pay attention.
I'm Jeff. You're the crook.
No, it's just acting.|You know what I mean? Acting?
What do you call... Punchy, look out!
Punchy, that's no acting!
You're crazy.
We act out the case|like they do in the police station.
You've been in the police station?
Fifty cents. See, crime doesn't pay.
All right, look, Punchy. I come in.|You follow me.
I don't know you're there.
Now, I take out my money.
I count it. What happens?
Punchy, what's the matter for you?
All right, we change it.|This time you're Jeff. I'm the crook.
That's right.|This time I'm the crook. Punchy!
I'd better break this case|before you break my head.
All right, I solve this case myself.|You stand there. You watch me.
I'm Jeff. I take out my money.
I count it. Now, what happens?
You've got nothing|to worry about, Mr. Wilson.
With the thief on the train|and the legal eagle on the case...
the money is practically in your pocket.
Just keep an eye on your pocket.
- No, you don't.|- But I've got to...
There's no use talking, Jeff.
Money or no money,|you're not going to get up.
You don't understand.|If that thief gets away with that $10,000...
I lose everything.
Sorry, there's nothing|you can do about it now.
Get some sleep.|In the morning you'll feel a lot better.
- Yes, and a lot poorer.|- Does it matter?
- Did you get anything?|- Yes. A bump on the head.
- How can you tell?|- You know what I think?
The guy who hit Jeff on the head|and knocked him out didn't like him.
Don't let's jump to concussions.
Does anybody here look suspicious,|aside from you?
Mr. Carter, the manager.|He's been making trouble.
- Carter?|- But he no steal the money.
He's too smart for that.|You know who I think steal the money?
His friend Goliath. He's dumb.
The legal eagle is on his track.|If he's guilty, he'll have to prove it.
Patois.
You said you was on Goliath's track.
This is a detour.|I'll grill her until she's well done.
She must know something,|even if it isn't about the case.
She's innocent.|Now then, where's Goliath?
- In the next car.|- Where is he?
Here it is, but I ought to tell you...
Tell me nothing.|It's my job to get the facts.
This fellow will face the shrewd,|relentless grilling...
of the juggernaut of justice,|the Casanova of the courthouse...
the Blackstone of the barroom.
Now watch the eagle swoop down.
Who's there?
You'll find out, my fine-feathered felon.|Hors d'oeuvres.
Goliath? I'll get to the bottom of this.
- Well?|- Wrong room.
I'm Goliath. Who are you?
Me? Just a little nobody|who wears glasses.
I can hardly see a lick.
- Who is this guy?|- That's Mr. Loophole. He's a lawyer.
A lawyer. Isn't that silly?
I've been disbarred for years.|I can show you my canceled diploma.
Smart guy, huh?
How would you like|I should break you in two?
Could I file separate income taxes?
Just what do you want?
Frankly, Mr. Goliath,|when I see a wrong done...
I can't rest until it's righted, that's all.
So I brought Tony here to apologize,|that's what.
Tony, I want you to tell this lovable chap|that you're sorry.
All right, Mr. Goliath.
I'm sorry you knocked out Jeff Wilson|and stole his money.
This coat is haunted.
Maybe I'm Captain Flag.
He's as innocent as a newborn babe,|and much bigger.
That settles it.|Now we got to look for a new suspect.
- Yes, and a new lawyer.|- You're not going to quit.
As of now.
This guy Goliath, don't be afraid of him.|He's muscle-bound.
And I'm homeward-bound.
How are we going|to get back Jeff's $10,000?
It's very easy. Offer a reward of $15,000.
Hello.
- Did I frighten you, Mr. Loophole?|- No. Nothing ever frightens me.
I took rumba lessons by mail.
Every time I hear a whistle, I think|it's the postman with another lesson.
Jeff's asleep, so I came looking for you.|Has anything developed?
Everything's under control,|except my pulse.
Jeff is very grateful for what you're doing.
It's nothing at all.
You know, if you can straighten this out...
it would mean a great deal to both of us.
Both of you?
I get it. You and Jeff, Jeff and you.
Young love. A maid in distress.
Fear not, my lady.|A Loophole never deserts a sinking ship.
- Even if it's a train.|- Thank you.
I'll have this case straightened out|before sunrise...
before the rooster crows,|before this flower fades.
Here, my lady.
If we only had a clue.
I don't need the lawyer.|All we need is a clue.
What's the matter?|No, I no smoke this brand.
I got to find the clue.
What are you doing?
I know. You smoke the cigar,|you knock yourself out.
But that's no good.
I got to find the clue.|Where I find the clue?
Gibraltar? You crazy.|Gibraltar no smoke cigars.
I got to find the clue. Now, where I find...
There's a head|I'd like to have over my fireplace.
I got it.
A fractured skull, I trust.
- No. A clue.|- A clue?
Punchy find this cigar|right where Jeff was knocked out.
Great. Now, then,|who on this train smokes cigars?
Or heavy underwear?
I know. The strongman. Goliath.
Nonsense. It wouldn't be him.|His public wouldn't like it.
We got to think of somebody else.
Wait, I got it this time. The midget!
- A midget?|- Yeah.
- A small midget?|- The small midget.
- That's our man.|- You sure?
Can you prove that he smoked the cigar?
We'll compare smells. If they're alike,|this is the rope that'll hang him.
- Adieu!|- Adieu!
Punchy, stay outside.
Let Loophole do the talking,|and you keep quiet.
See that you remember that.
All we got for a clue is this cigar butt.
So I'll trap him into offering us|one of his cigars.
If his cigar matches this one,|he's unquestionably guilty.
- That's right.|- We mustn't let on what we're after.
- I won't say anything.|- Yes, but don't talk either.
- Shut up.|- Shut up.
What do you want?
Sure, we come in if you insist.
- Is this a friend of yours?|- I should say not. He's a lawyer.
Yeah?
Why? Do you want|to make anything out of it?
Try to bully me,|I'll lick you the best day you ever had.
- What brings you here?|- Nothing important.
We just want to trap you|into a confession.
Confession?
Nice work, Einstein.|That's what I call using strategy.
I know my stuff, huh?
It's kind of late to be visiting, isn't it?
We just happened to be passing|your house...
and we saw a firefly|burning in your window.
Did you lose this?
No, I didn't lose it. Where did you find it?
Never mind that.|Are these your teeth prints?
- Tony, I guess we're licked.|- I guess so, boss.
The man is undoubtedly innocent.|No hard feelings.
None at all. Let's shake on it.
By the way, I'm all out of smokes.
Do you happen|to have a spare cigar on you?
Here. I got one.
I got one for you, too, and for myself.
Thanks. Let me get you a light.
Why don't you trade your head in|on a bowling ball?
Don't you realize|I'm trying to get incriminating evidence?
Let's smoke these up quickly.
- Then I'll ask for one of his cigars.|- Here we are, boys.
No thanks. Bad luck. Three, I'm a midget.
That's a superstish.
Has anybody got a match?
I asked for a match, not a forest fire.
What's going on here, anyway?
By the way, do you happen to have|a spare cigar on you?
I think I got one. Here.
You're a big help, you are.
I'll clean up this case if you'll keep quiet.
Last time I saw that match,|there was apples growing on it.
You got the apples, too.
Hitting Jeff on the head|and stealing his money...
that ain't playing ball.
I bet your father spent...
the first year of your life|throwing rocks at the stork.
I know how to get rid of you.|Smoke one of your own cigars.
I don't think I got any more.
Good. What a break.|Now I'll make him confess.
By the way...
do you happen to have|a spare cigar on you?
Wait a minute. I find one.
It's the last one I got, but you can have it.
I couldn't think of taking your last cigar.
Go ahead, it's all right.
I've carried many a torch,|but never on such a large scale.
Do you realize|if Jeff had been hit a little harder...
the charge would have been murder.|Pronounced murder?
Yes, murder.
How would you like to go to Sing Sing|and get the high chair?
You better not lay a hand on me.|You ain't the law.
You're right.|We haven't got anything on you.
Anyone can make a mistake.|No hard feelings.
- No, not at all.|- Let's shake on it.
Let's smoke on it.
Heck, I seem to be all out of cigars.
You don't happen to have a spare cheroot|on you, do you?
I find one more. Are you lucky.
I thought this cigar was in my other suit.
I wish you were in your other suit|and it was being pressed.
- No, mangled.|- I just remember. This is my other suit.
You know, these cigars are imported.|They're hard to get.
I haven't had any trouble getting them,|not with that plantation under your vest.
Boss, you're not getting any evidence.
No, but I'm getting tobacco heart.
You better tell the truth,|half the truth, and nothing but the truth.
I told you to eat corn flakes for breakfast,|not the goldenrod.
Are you guys trying to wreck my house?
Wait till the finance company|sees this furniture.
Are you gonna get it.
You fellows got no right coming here,|raising such a rumpus.
I don't raise no rumpus.
I'm gonna sue you.
If you need a good lawyer,|I'm your man. Cheever Loophole.
Hold it.
It's all right.
I stand in the rain, and he sneezes.
They can't be mine.
That's definite. They're not mine.
- Go away.|- What? Go out from under your life?
Get away.
Playing piggyback. At my age.
You're the prettiest millstone|I ever had around my neck.
You fool.
We'll be very happy together,|if my back holds out.
Put me down.
Mr. Loophole, have you met|Peerless Pauline?
No. How do you do?
- Put me down, you fool.|- Reluctantly.
All right, let her go.
Careful, you're talking|of the woman I love.
Carter loves her, too. She's his girl.
I just thought of something.
Maybe Carter knows something|about the stolen money...
and if Pauline's his girl,|maybe she knows something, too.
If she doesn't, it'll be fun teaching her.
Legal eagle.
Here it is, babe. The whole $10,000.
Why don't you quit that|while I'm talking to you?
I got to break in these new shoes.|I nearly fell today.
Break them in some other time.
Take care of this money.
I think that lawyer suspects me,|and I don't want to have it on me.
There he is. I bet he's up to something.
Go on, get out of here. I'll handle him.
Be careful,|and find out if he knows anything.
It's me, or it's I. At any rate, it's one of us.
- Come in.|- Pauline.
Are you home?
What do you want?
If this is a spirit reading...
I'd like something good in the fourth|at Belmont.
- Hello, brown eyes.|- Hello, brown...
Say, you're up early today, aren't you?
You're like a beautiful chandelier.|I'd like to be around when you get lit up.
What brings you here?
Lots of reasons. 10,000 reasons.
What are you doing?
Don't mind me.|I'm just a talent scout for Alcatraz.
Let me phrase it more delicately.
Where were you when Jeff got bopped|on the conk and clipped for his roll, babe?
Why, Mr. Loophole,|surely you don't think that l...
Egad, no.
Anyone who looks at you|can see that you're not hiding anything.
You're a lawyer, aren't you?
- They tell me you're a great lawyer.|- Who does? Not my clients.
Certainly not the ones|that were hung last week.
- Have you solved your case?|- What case?
Whatever case you're working on.
Let's not sit here and talk about little me.|Let's talk about little you.
Have you deposited $10,000|in the bank lately?
Whatever made you say that?
You know what the French say:|"Cherchez la femme." Find the footprints.
- Peanut brittle?|- No, thanks.
- There's no point in my staying here.|- Don't go, please.
Perhaps you'll think I'm forward...
but last night when I first saw you...
And slammed the door on my face.
...I realized that you're the man|I've been dreaming of.
What do you eat before you go to bed?
I've waited so long|to find someone like you.
Someone like me?|I'm not good enough for you?
Don't say that. I'm not good enough.
You ought to know. But I really have to go.
Don't go. No, please.
- I can't stay.|- No, stay.
- I'd love to stay, but...|- Yes, please. Really.
Your father wasn't by any chance|an octopus, was he?
No, I really have to go.
- Don't go, please.|- I'll be right back.
I'm back.
So sorry you have to go.
The thing I like about you|is money doesn't go to your head.
I hope you solve the case|you're working on.
It's out of my hands.|It's been a private investigation...
but right now I could use|the long arm of the law.
Law?
But you don't have to go right now,|do you?
There's nothing to keep me here|that I can see from this angle.
But we hardly know each other.
I can be very entertaining if I want to be.
There must be some way|of getting the money...
without getting in trouble|with the Hays Office.
Will you walk on your hands?
Silly boy, of course not.
All right, forget about it.|Will you walk on the ceiling?
And when I'm on the ceiling,|you'll run out and call...
You'll run away.
That's the farthest thought from my mind,|so help me the law of gravity.
All right, I'll walk on the ceiling|if you will, too.
No, thanks. I'll sit this one out.
I'm just an old groundhog.|I shouldn't even be out until February.
But it's so easy.
The bottom of the shoe creates a suction|that holds you up on the ceiling.
No, I'd rather not.|I have an agreement with the houseflies.
The flies don't practice law,|and I don't walk on the ceiling.
You'll love it.
Come on, Cheever.
Are you sure we're not being too hasty?|After all, I am just a boy.
- You're a trouper, an aerial star.|- You could be, too.
You're tall, you're strong.
You're nearsighted.
Hurry, Cheever.
You're not fooling, now?|You will walk on the ceiling?
Only with you.
Don't look, now. No peeky-weeky.
I'll bet you're laughing at me inside.
And to think I might have roamed|the whole world over and never found you.
Ready, darling?
I know I'm going to hate myself for this|in the morning.
- Why, you look like a million.|- I'll settle for $10,000.
- Suppose you go first.|- Why?
In case you fall, I'll be here to pick it up.
No. Let's go up together.
If that's your best offer,|but I'm not making a nickel on it.
Once you do this you'll never forget it.
The last time I stood on a ceiling|was at a lodge meeting.
The chairman had the floor.
How am I doing here?
Careful, Cheever.
You don't want to reach over|and hold this thing?
Come on. Lift your body|and clamp your foot on the ceiling.
A very good morning to you, Mrs. Murphy.
- Help.|- There. I knew you'd like it.
Say, I like this.
I never thought|we'd be hanging around together.
I can't tell you how much|I appreciate this. Shake.
I see.
Pauline, let's never lose|this thrilling moment.
Think of it.|You and I, heels over head in love.
- Do you rumba?|- No.
Come on. Let's dance.
Pennies from heaven.
Pauline, help me down.
Pauline, let me have that wallet.
Pauline, I'm stuck up... Let me down.
Pauline, how do I get down out of here?|Pauline, quick. Help.
Get me down, Pauline.
Help me down.
Get me off the ceiling.
Help. I'm stuck up...
- Julie?|- Come in.
- Hi there, Mr. Wilson.|- Telegram for you.
Thanks. Excuse me.
It's nothing important.
Julie, why don't you take that job?
What job?
With the Miracle Shows.|I heard they made you an offer.
That. I'm turning that down.
Maybe you better take it.
It looks as if the Wilson Wonder Circus|is gonna have to do without Wilson.
I might not be the best boss in the world...
but I don't think you'll like working|for Carter.
I don't intend to work for Carter.|I'm leaving when you leave.
But where will you go to?
Where you go.
- Don't you want me to, Jeff?|- Sure.
This isn't easy for me.
I've made plenty of mistakes, I guess.|But I don't want to make another.
You once said that we belong|to different worlds.
You're right. You're a success.
When I leave here I won't even have a job.
Things will work out for you.|I know they will.
Until they do, until I can pay the bills...
I'm not going to drag you to any preacher.
You're pretty heavy...
but suppose I drag you?
I don't think I'd enjoy life|as Mr. Julie Randall.
You better wire Miracle Shows|you're going to take that job.
I guess Emily Post was right.
A girl should never propose to a man.
You're some lawyer. You come here|to help Jeff and Julie, and what happened?
Come, come, you know as well as I do.|And you know better.
- We've got to think.|- We tried that.
Let's review the case.
One Jeff Wilson owes $10,000.
Or let's put it another way:|$10,000 is owed by one Jeff Wilson.
It's a clear case|of Jeff Wilson owing $10,000.
- Which he ain't got.|- Brilliant deduction.
If only that Mrs. Dukesbury|would help him out.
- Mrs. Dukesbury?|- Yeah. She's Jeff's aunt.
The rich Mrs. Dukesbury?|Page 1 of the social register?
The Newport branch|of the United States Mint?
That money is Jeff's aunt?
I usually say aunt, but I'm showing off|on account of the monkeys.
But she wouldn't lend Jeff the money.
Wait, I got an idea.
You go to Newport|and ask Mr. Dukesbury for the money.
Fine.
I mean, if he's alive you could ask him.|But he's dead.
He's dead, eh?|Then why don't you ask him?
Mrs. Dukesbury,|America's wealthiest widow...
and yours truly, who could certainly|use the money for Jeff.
Don't tell this to Jeff,|but his troubles are over.
Goodbye, Mr. Chimps.
Let him go. We solve this case myself.
Punchy, I'm going to my tent|where I can think.
You come over later and wake me up.
Well, shut my mouth and freeze my face.
That man don't belong to no human race.
Got a hoca-hoca-pocus|and a fiddle-dee-dee...
that can charm a lion or a chimpanzee.
Well, button my lip and send me quick.
That man's got a voodoo in that stick.
When he voodoo raki-sakis|he can hypnotize an elf.
That man must be Swingali himself.
Zoom zoom go the cymbals
And boom boom go the drums
When that man comes
The kids from the alley
They rally round Swingali
He waves that Toscaninian hand
And zoom zoom go the cymbals
And soon Swingali sways
to thousands of trumpets
Sounding their A 's
Tell me, is he man or maestro?
When he's in command
Give that man a hand
Yeah, man
They swing us soft and low
Play it loud and corny
Oh, glory hallelujah!
Rhythm races through ya
When he rolls his evil eye
He can boogie-boo ya
Louder now, yeah
When we got Swingali?
Hey, look me in the eye
Concentrate
Relax
Swing it
And hypnotize the moon
Make it a blue
Moon
Make it a blue
Moon
Swing low, sweet chariot
Hello, Teresa.|This is Suzanna, Suzanna Dukesbury.
You are coming tomorrow night,|aren't you?
Splendid. Yes. Just as the invitation read.
I'm bringing Jardinet|and his famous symphony orchestra...
all the way from Paris, just to play for us.
And I've invited only the 400 of Newport.
No outsiders.
Here, what is this?
It's English tweed. Wears like iron.
Now, then,|where's old Lady Dukesbury's room?
I beg your pardon.
Mrs. Dukesbury cannot be disturbed|by anyone.
I don't want to be disturbed either.
- You can't go up there. Who are you?|- Who am I? Mr. Dukesbury.
But I understood|Mr. Dukesbury passed away.
Just a typographical error.|Passed out. What a brawl that was.
Here I am, after the brawl is over.
- I'll inform Mrs. Dukesbury you're here.|- Never mind. I'll tell her myself.
What's her room number?|Never mind. I'll find it.
I've been in bigger hotels than this,|and with better-looking clerks.
What in the world...
What is the meaning of this?
Keep your sheet on.|I'm looking for Mrs. Dukesbury.
I am Mrs. Dukesbury.
Snookums!
Gracious. I don't know you.
You mean you've forgotten?
I know. You have forgotten.|Those June nights on the Riviera...
when we sat|underneath the shimmering skies...
moonlight-bathing in the Mediterranean.|We were young, gay, reckless.
The night I drank champagne|from your slipper.
Two quarts. It would have held more,|but you were wearing innersoles.
- Hildegard.|- My name is Suzanna.
Let's not quibble.
It's enough that you've killed something|fine and beautiful.
Suzanna. Won't you fly with me?
'cause the Sheriff's after me
Get out of this room|or I'll scream for the servants!
Let the servants know.|Let the whole world know about us.
You must leave my room.
We must have regard|for certain conventions.
One guy isn't enough.|She's got to have a convention.
Suzanna, at last we're alone.
Couldn't the two of us be...|How shall I say it?
A man and a woman? There. I said it.
Suzanna, if you only knew|how much I need you.
Not because you have millions.|I don't need millions.
I'll tell you how much I need.
Have you got a pencil?|I left my typewriter in my other pants.
- That's Whitcomb. What will I do?|- I'll cool him off.
No, you mustn't.|This is so embarrassing. Oh, dear.
What, succotash? What's eating you?
I beg your pardon, but M. La Fontaine|of the concert bureau...
has phoned to say|that all arrangements are complete.
- The maestro will be here on time.|- That's fine.
Here's a dime. Get yourself a clean shirt.
- He's gonna get himself a clean shirt.|- This is an outrage.
I'll say it is. That Whitcomb is a fine butler.
I phoned five hours ago|and he gives you the message now.
Why, you're not M. La Fontaine?
What do you mean,|I'm not M. La Fontaine?
Do I go around saying|you're not M. La Fontaine?
It must be wonderful to be associated...
- with such a great artist as Jardinet.|- It is a pushover.
- Did you say Jardinet?|- Why, of course.
Be sure when the "Normandie"|docks tomorrow in New York...
Jardinet and his entire orchestra|come directly here.
This bedroom will be awfully crowded.
Say, Suzie, hiring a world-famous guy|like what's-his-name...
that will run into money.
I realize that. I didn't expect him|to play at my party for nothing.
You'll get your check tomorrow night|as agreed.
Tell me, suppose through|some strange quirk of fate...
that Jardinet couldn't get here?
Would you be interested|in any other form of entertainment?
Say some novel surprises|wrapped in sawdust?
Why, it's unthinkable.|Jardinet must get here.
After all, $7,500 for one night's|entertainment is a lot of money.
$7,500 is a pretty penny,|but my client needs $10,000...
for reasons that should be|pretty obvious by now.
I hate to bring up money matters|in a bedroom, but...
But what?
Just write me out a check for $10,000...
and everybody will be happy,|including the gorilla...
and I do mean you.
But we agreed on $7,500.
But you do not know|about the rate of exchange.
You see, in "la belle France..."
$7,500 is over 150,000 francs...
while in this country, $7,500...
is, well, $7,500.
That is fluctuation.
Very well.|Anything to make the party a success.
This will be the most successful|surprise party you have ever given.
But it's not a surprise party.
What will you bet?
By this time tomorrow,|you'll be in Chicago.
Then what?
It's really a swell break for you, Julie.
The Miracle Shows have a fine outfit.
They're gonna be crazy about you.
What are you gonna do, Jeff?
I'll have plenty to do.
Six days a week I'll think about you.
On Sunday I'll look for a job.
Fine chance you'll have of finding a job|on Sunday.
That's just the point.
No job on Sunday, so I'll have|six more days to think about you.
When Sunday comes around,|no job, I'll have six more days.
Do we know what we're doing?
Two blind loves
Don't know what month it is
Or the time of day
Don't know if we're in Brooklyn
Or in Mandalay
I only know
The sun started to shine
The day that I looked into your eyes
And you looked into mine
Two blind loves
Babes in the wood
We've got it, oh, so bad
But isn't it good?
We're on a bumpy road, it's true
But heaven is in view
For two blind loves
Are you sleeping?
With all this trouble,|with Jeff losing the circus tomorrow...
how can you fall asleep?
You count sheep?
How many sheep do you have to count|before you fall asleep?
One? You're an insomaniac.
You know,|we look every place for the money...
but there's one place we don't look.|That's Goliath's room.
Wait. You run away, too, like the lawyer?|You're a coward.
No, you're not a regular coward.
You're a brave coward.
Tell me, how does Goliath sleep?
With his eyes closed? That's news.
What I mean is, does he sleep good?
Like a top. I gets wise.
That's fine. Now, we got work to do.
Get your clothes. Come on.
This is Goliath's room. Keep quiet.
He's asleep like a baby.
Now we got to look for the money.|It's better we work in the dark.
We got to work fast.|I look over there. You look over there.
If anything happens, we meet right here.
That's fine. Go ahead.
Quick, hide.
We got to find the money in a hurry.|Maybe he's sleeping on it.
All right. I look in the pillow.|You look under the blanket. Go on.
You no find it? It's not in here either.
Santa Claus,|it looks like a white Christmas.
If he wakes up, I pity us.
Here, hold that. Hold it. I got an idea.
This will make Goliath sleep.
What you do? Wake up.
Wake up, Punchy.
Punchy, wake up.
See? I sing a lullaby, and you wake up.|That's fine.
Maybe the money's in the mattress.
Punchy, what are you doing?
Punchy, get down.
- Porter.|- Yes?
Help!
Come on.
Let's get out of here. Come on, Punchy.
Yeah. So long.
Is there a Jeff Wilson on the train?
I'm Jeff Wilson. Why?
Long-distance been trying to get you|all along the line.
- Long-distance?|- Yeah.
You can use this telephone, young man.|Ask for the Newport operator.
Hello, Jeffrey. This is the legal eagle.
I'm calling from Dukesbury Manor.
Never mind what I'm doing here.|I've got a great scheme.
Listen.
- How much?|- $10,000.
She thinks she's getting Jardinet|and his orchestra.
But I have a sneaking suspicion|Jardinet's not going to show up.
- lf we can only get away with it.|- Certainly.
You play the circus|right on your aunt's front lawn.
Be very quiet|while you're setting the tents up.
And keep the elephants|out of the flowerbed.
You take care of that end...
I'll get the circus there by tomorrow night|if it's the last thing I do.
Oh, boy.
Operator.
Get me the steamship "Normandie."|Where is it? It's in the water.
Why, I can't believe it.
But I tell you,|the man's name is not Jardinet.
His real name is D.T. O'Connor.
There must be some mistake.
Are you sure?
It's the biggest dope ring in years,|and Jardinet is the head dope.
Keep him in the brig|until I can dig up some more dope.
This is operator 77 B signing off.|That is all.
It's always those three top buttons.
I'll make it. I used to be a riveter|on the Golden Gate Bridge.
- There you are.|- Thank you.
Now then, tell me,|how do you like the bandstand?
I had it built especially for Jardinet.|Will he like it?
If he ever sees it.
Yes, Whitcomb.
Pardon me, madam...
but here are the seating arrangements|for your final approval.
No, Whitcomb.|Judge Chanock will sit on my left hand...
and you will sit on my right hand.
How will you eat? Through a tube?
376, 377, 378, 379, 380, 381...
382, 383, 384, 385, 386, 387...
388, 389, 390...
91, 92, 93, 94, 95...
96, 97...
398, 399, 400.
They all showed up.|Looks like no second helpings.
Ladies and gentlemen...
on behalf of our gracious, charming,|and lovely hostess...
I say to you:
Good evening, friends.
- And now, let's lap up the vittles.|"- Monsieur," control yourself.
Find Mr. Loophole.|Tell him we'll be ready in five minutes.
Sure, Jeff. Five minutes.
- M. La Fontaine?|- What is it, my little smorgasbord?
It's 5 minutes of 10:00,|and they're not here yet.
It takes time.|You know how elephants are.
- Elephants?|- Who said anything about elephants?
Give me that.|You've had quite enough of this.
Elephants. At your age.
And since Mrs. Dukesbury|and her checkbook...
are entirely responsible|for this magnificent shindig...
I suggest we give the kid a great big hand.
I'm sure Marie Antoinette|would like to say a few boring words.
Can I quote you on that?
Relax. Your entertainment|is practically ready.
Go on. Get in there and fight.
- Oh, dear.|- You should cut out starches.
Please hurry.
Say, have you got a slow leak?
Now, if no one cares for more coffee,|we'll all be going.
I'll have another cup of coffee.
Don't leave me, Suzanna.|Can't you see that I love you?
There. You dragged it out of me.|I love you, all of you.
I love you feverishly.|Have you got a thermometer on you?
Not here, "monsieur."
I can't help it. It's just the animal in me.
Do you get it? I don't care what you do,|as long as the show don't go on.
Now get going. Come on.
- So Carter has friends. You better beat it.|- Says you.
Thanks, Punchy. Just in time.
Stop that.
Help! Police!
Get him, Punchy. Attaboy.
I bet Carter's behind this.|Let's find him. Go on.
So it's you.
I'll fix you.
Haven't you had enough coffee?|My guests are waiting.
Yes, I think I've had enough.
Very well, then. We'll all be going.
I think I'll have another cup of coffee.|It's awfully good, isn't it?
Don't worry.|The entertainment is right on tap.
Are you sure? Where is Jardinet?
I knew there was something|I wanted to tell you.
- He isn't coming.|- What?
I am Jardinet.
I cross the ocean. I am called a dope ring.
I race on a train.|When I get here, what do I find?
Animals.
Mrs. Dukesbury's friends are my friends.|I'll take care of him.
- M. La Fontaine, please be careful.|- Animals, indeed.
This is the most incredible thing|that has ever happened.
You're all upset. Why don't you|go back to Paris and lie down?
Jardinet's symphony|never has been so humiliated.
I have a notion not to play.
That's an excellent notion.|Come on. I'll put you on the bus.
But I have given my word. I will play.|Yes, I will play.
You'll play, but on the bandstand,|down on the water.
On the water? But my audience.
Don't worry. You start playing,|they'll come down in spite of it.
- Mrs. Dukesbury's idea.|- Crazy Americans.
We're ready, boss.
Take this bearded symphony|to the bandstand...
- and see that he gets a good sendoff.|- Okay, boss.
I know you'll all be thrilled.|Jardinet's opening number...
will be Beethoven's somber|and spiritual first movement...
of his second concerto,|album three, opus four...
And number five on the hit parade.
Oh, goodness.
Open it.
She's all right. It's just the excitement.
Hurry, folks.|The fastest feet get the best seat.
See that man-eating elephant.
See the cannon|that shoots a human being.
- Now?|- Now.
You monster.|You're responsible for this disgrace.
That's gratitude for you.
Most men get their sweethearts|one engagement ring.
- I got you three rings.|- A circus. I'll be a laughingstock.
I see it all now.
My nephew did this to humiliate me.
He did you a favor.|I was afraid Jardinet wouldn't get here...
so I wired Jeff to come and help us.
And there he is. Doing rather well,|don't you think?
Step up and take a bow
Don't be modest, don't be shy
Show that thoroughbred look in your eye
Step up with grace and pride
Take that oompah, oompah, oompah-pah
In your stride
My heart began to beat in rhyme
Oompah-pah, oomp in three-quarter time
You charmed me like that Lorelei
When you waltzed by
You took my heart
And now here's to love
Take a bow
They liked the dinner you gave.|They'll eat this up, sawdust and all.
- But how about Jardinet?|- Probably on his way back to Paris.
Mrs. Dukesbury, speech!
See? You're a sensation.
I guess you're licked.
I don't pay off until this show is over...
and this show ain't over yet.
And now, kiddies,|if you'll all pull up your chairs...
Suzie would like to mumble|a little doubletalk in Esperanto.
Here you are, sugar.
My few dear friends, I'm thrilled...
- He might kill somebody.|- That's his business.
- I'm stopping the show.|- I don't want no part of this.
Get me out of this cannon!
Keep calm, folks. It's all part of the show.
Get me out of this cannon.
Please!
We're offering a $5-prize, folks,|for anyone who can pick out the ape.
Change your partners.
Help! He's got me!
I hope he's got|two pair of pants with that suit.
Let me up there, you fool!
Somebody do something!
There they go.
It's a great race|as they go into the back stretch.
Gibraltar leads,|but Carter and Punchy are hanging on.
Will Gibraltar make it?
They're in the home stretch.|Gibraltar still leads.
Carter is second by a trapeze.|Punchy's third by a heel.
Get me out of this cannon!
Don't worry, Mrs. Dukesbury. I'll save you.
It looks like a driving finish.|And there goes Seabiscuit.
Oh, my goodness. Help me.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Dukesbury.|I didn't know it was loaded.
Here I come, Mrs. Dukesbury.
I save you again.
Swing your lady.
Get ready now.|When I grab your ankles, you let go.
Let go, I say.
Do you hear me?
Bring in the cage. Help me with the net.|Come on.
My dress!
Is there an insurance agent in the house?
Help! Somebody save me!
Help!
Calling Tarzan.
Jump! It's all right. Come on, jump.
Do you think that they could hold me?|Oh, dear.
Here I go!
Here goes.
Call him off! Get him away!
Look. The money.
Is it all there?