1
NATE: My name's Nate.
I like baseball and I like Thai food,
a universal something of which
all Jewish men are expected,
though neither as much as I used to.
Thai food especially, the stuff...
the stuff turns me into Vesuvius.
I work for the public library
at Central Branch on Chestnut Street
but I used to live in Queens, New York.
I grew up in Queens,
lived most of my life there.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
I remember Tampa
The way she used to be
The places we would run to
The faces we would see
Yes, I remember Tampa
Those precious memories
A city rising on the move
A simple yet progressive groove
I remember Tampa
She remembers me
She remembers me
Walking through the park at night
Beneath the moss filled trees
Children running, riding bike
Foot loose and fancy free
I remember Tampa
Those sweet soft memories
The city that I call my home
A home from which I never roam
I remember Tampa, yeah
She remembers me
She remembers me
To preserve its history, yeah
Alright now, don't forget
Thursdays, seven PM on TBCN
Home of the Tampa Native Show
I'm a New Yorker by birth,
Austin college.
I'm a New Yorker by birth.
Austin, Texas for college.
Moved to LA two years ago.
It's been sufficient, fine.
Blah is the word for it, really.
Yeah that's a good word, blah.
The sound of vomiting.
Truth is the last two years
have been matrimonial bliss.
(SAD MUSIC)
You're a cute little fella, aren't you?
Oh, you're a girl.
I'm now spying on my wife.
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
NINA: No way Greg, not okay.
GREG: Seriously though hurry this up.
NINA: Stop tickling me.
GREG: Do that thing you like.
NINA: Not in public, are you crazy?
GREG: If not here,
then where, when, how, why
and with whom, with whom?
NINA: Inside, soon,
I promise you'll see me
because we are outside and with me.
You dummy... Use your melon for once.
GREG: You better open that door
and don't call me a dummy.
Don't ever call me a dummy.
NINA: I can't help it if you...
GREG: Just open it, Nina.
NINA: Will you just stop?
GREG: We'll have us a deal.
I'll use your melons
and toss me a fruit salad.
NINA: I'm on the
neighborhood committee.
GREG: Open that sesame for me.
NINA: Gross, that was unnecessary.
GREG: I thought you were into allusion.
NINA: You thought wrong.
Go to hell.
Home sweet home.
'Bout fucking time, I say.
Want to play policeman today?
Why do we always play games?
GREG: Jesus, you are no fun.
NINA: We play that game too often.
GREG: Which one, Jesus or policeman?
Stop it, stop!
Okay, fine, no games alright,
no dice, no cards, no losers.
Just winners.
Winners deserve comfort
in the VIP suite.
I'll even let you handcuff me.
You still got those cuffs right?
NINA: Hoping I can find a gag too.
GREG: That sounds hot,
you got one of those?
NINA: Especially for me.
GREG: Hey, I can be pretty adorable.
NINA: If the stars are all aligned.
Well I am your cosmic Casanova.
Usually you're a pain in my asteroid.
It's the adventure
that turns you on though,
not my good looks or my
rocket like thrusting.
Oh, back to pain in
the asteroid it seems.
Moving too fast for NASA to track you.
Houston, we are ready for touchdown.
(LAUGHING)
Nothing personal, lady, okay.
Just doing my job.
NINA: And you're absolutely certain
that a search is necessary officer?
My certainty is assured
with a money back guarantee
minus shipping and handling.
But I have nothing at all to hide.
I'm just a mild mannered lawyer.
I'd never get tied up in
the business you mentioned.
You just got to believe me, officer sir,
you just gotta.
That's what they all say, cram it.
I'm gonna need to inspect every crevice,
every nook and cranny.
At least that's what this here
official warrant has to say.
Unless you want to spend
breakfast with the judge.
Well I suppose if you insist,
inspect away.
(GIGGLING)
Believe me, ma'am,
the department appreciates
your cooperation.
(LAUGHING)
Oh hello.
(MOANING)
Greggie found gold.
(MOANING)
So how exactly may I be of service?
Books.
I need one,
that's what a library's for isn't it?
I see books all over.
Something specific in mind?
Existentialism, dystopian worlds,
perhaps tragic comedy?
Go lighter.
Lighter?
Are we talking marshmallows,
clouds, trampolines?
Poolside reading,
housewives discovering themselves
through, well, the pool guy.
I see.
Stuff to help me fall
asleep at night, you know?
Have anything in that genre?
Nothing too crass, obviously,
just the right amount
of crass if you have it.
Right.
Well, we have full volumes
on the Crimean War.
I think that'll help you fall asleep.
Were there Speedos back then?
Sorry, not that I'm aware of
but if you're looking for
something a little more cheerful,
exciting,
dare I say uplifting,
I recommend a fella named Franz.
Sounds like fun.
Anything of his involve bugs?
Was always fascinated as a girl.
But then again, aren't all young girls?
Exactly right.
Bugs, they love 'em.
Mind if I stick with
pirate biceps this go round?
I would actually, a great deal.
Well, then I won't be
sharing the blanket tonight.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
(MOANING)
(GIGGLING)
Alright, pop quiz time.
(LAUGHS)
What?
No, nothing.
Did I say something?
No.
Besides it's a free country,
you can say whatever you'd
like, wrong or right.
That is true, that is quite true.
Well shit, Greg, out with it.
Okay, alright, I'm just thinking here.
Have you ever been to Tampa before?
It is ultra classy there.
Let's not cripple the moment.
We were having such a nice
time together, weren't we?
I thought you agreed
not to do this anymore.
We were having a great time.
You always say that.
I'm married.
I say that a lot too.
Do you realize the opportunities
out there for people like us?
We could make millions like nothing, Nina,
we could be swimming in it.
I've got some solid connections.
I bet you do,
I bet you do.
So it's a no-brainer then?
Let's go.
We could leave tomorrow afternoon.
NINA: Tomorrow, for good?
Too soon?
How 'bout Thursday?
What about all my stuff?
You're stuck on a loop.
Let's go to Chicago,
Miami, Tampa, New Orleans.
It's a new city every week.
St. Louis is nice.
I like it here.
I like Los Angeles.
Nobody likes Los Angeles, Nina.
At least consider it, you know?
I mean, isn't it obvious
what I'm asking here?
I'm gonna keep talking here, Nina
'cause I...
You're the best there is
and we could do so great in Portland.
Oh shit, Greg, damn it.
GREG: What's the matter now?
NINA: It's 5:30.
Yeah so?
NINA: Come on, you know the drill.
Baked ham just for me?
NINA: Kitchen's closed.
How are you full again?
GREG: I just am.
GREG: All I need is five minutes.
NINA: Nuh-uh.
GREG: Six minutes?
NINA: No.
GREG: Seven minutes absolute max.
Stop it.
GREG: 10 minutes, tops.
Alright, request denied.
GREG: Hey, I'll scrub your
back with this loofah thing,
you'll like that.
You will like that a whole lot.
Plus, I need some help.
There's some areas I can't reach.
What you need is to rest that thing?
And time is marching on, as they say.
GREG: Who are they?
What?
GREG: As they say, who are they?
They are they.
Everyone is they.
Well they are assholes.
Hey, won't you get me some clean socks?
Greg.
I know, I know, you
hate me wearing his socks.
I give his footwear a new lease on life
and they bring me luck, you know?
I once wore those red
socks of his to a meeting.
I sold the client in like five minutes.
The guy looks at me and says,
"Hey pal, where'd you get
those fancy red socks?"
I nearly shit myself.
I said, "Oh I don't know,
"my mom gave 'em to me for my birthday."
Isn't your mother dead?
What?
No Nina, hell, just give
me the red socks, alright?
NINA: Alright.
(SIGHS)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(COUGHING)
Welcome back, my dear lady.
I hope your trip was
pleasant and bountiful.
What's with you and hot showers?
It's a sauna in here.
- Oops.
- Oops.
- Oops.
- Oops he says.
I'll look like a Picabia
when it's all said and done
because of your tiny oops.
First thing, there's
nothing tiny about my Picabia
and second thing, what are those?
Enough, they weren't there.
GREG: Seriously Nina?
They're socks, alright,
they can't just walk of on their own,
they need feet, they need.
I hate those clown socks.
They're itchy
and I still think you should
shower with me because
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Five minutes.
That's all you get.
If you catch it, I'm gonna reel it in.
Don't let it go, poke, poke, poke.
Stay with Gregalicous... Gregalicious
You're revolting.
Poke, poke, poke. Pinch, pinch, pinch.
NINA: Greg!
Greg!
GREG: Ohhh, I caught me a beauty.
(MOANING)
Well that was quick, good for you.
Sorry, five minutes.
Time's up?
We could do great in Seattle too.
Unbelievable.
GREG: Or Milwaukee.
What's for dinner?
A pacifier and some warm milk.
GREG: Says enough about you.
Nothing good, trust me.
Seriously though, what's for dinner?
NINA: I think Nate bought chicken.
(SAD MUSIC)
NATE: The big D,
the one thing I prefer to avoid
but it does happen, oh it does.
My parents gave up when I was 10.
Look how nicely I turned out.
GREG: Chicken again?
Why can't we go out?
Like Chinese or Korean
or, oh, I know Italian?
NINA: I'm not in the mood.
GREG: The place down
the block are is top notch.
Persist, good sir, and
you'll find a dull butter knife
performing your second circumcision.
Ooh, kosher food.
Never tried that, sounds yummy.
I don't care about yummy.
I care about cooking
whatever I have in the house.
My treat, even though I paid last time.
No, I paid last time.
Breath Nina, breath.
I want to have something ready
when he gets home from work.
The first person home cooks,
that's marriage 101.
It's always Nate this, Nate that.
We never get to finish our business.
We're always sneaking around.
He's such a nuisance
and I know you agree.
NINA: He's always
hungry when he gets home.
I think it's those ridiculous
breakfast bars he eats.
I don't care about his breakfast.
You said he might come home early.
That is not what I said.
Two to one he surprises you.
Greg, he never comes home early.
I'm the one who does that
and it's always to surprise him.
I know you know that.
In fact, I know you know
that I know you know that.
Huh?
Where's my meal, Nina?
Fine.
I can cook for you too
but it has to be something I already have.
I don't like that plan.
Maybe I'll go out on
my own like a dumb ass.
You said it, not me.
I really want veal parmageeana.
It's Parmesan, Parmesan.
I'll make pasta, how 'bout that?
Pasta's never enough.
Once I get my mind set on something,
it's all I want and believe in.
I've always been that way, always.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
No, no, no, no, don't you dare.
Now show me where it hurts baby.
You know I hate this game.
Oh suddenly you don't like games?
Come on, is it your heart?
Let's have a wittle wisten.
Now, Dr. Nina is in.
Nina.
Good Lord, I don't hear a single tick.
Oh that's right, you don't
have a heart, do you?
I saw your chart.
Well what is it then?
What could it be?
Hmm, I know, I figured it out.
You have?
Is it not happy?
Is it not working?
Nina, you don't know
how phenomenal Tampa is.
It's right beside the Gulf of Mexico,
it is gorgeous.
You're gorgeous,
you love gorgeous.
There's this hotel
with an incredible four
course brunch, four.
(MIMICKING GUNSHOT)
NINA: Shoes Greg, now, downstairs.
Or maybe you just really don't
Now I'm not saying I'm not an asshole
Just that you're one too
And you think that maybe this section
is where I'll find what I'm looking for?
NATE: Anything is possible.
We've been going in circles.
Well I certainly can't be blamed
for your constant changes
of heart now, can I?
First you want one type
of book, then another.
What is that supposed to mean?
Simply whatever you
need, I will find it.
Quite the confident librarian, huh?
I didn't know that was a
professional trait of your kind.
Is that offensive to say?
Confidence isn't necessary for our kind.
Everything, everything
before you is cataloged.
Kind of old fashioned,
libraries that is.
What made you get into
library sciences anyway?
What made you get into law?
I wanted to protect people.
Well, I wanted to protect books.
Back to this fellow again.
How did that get there?
You funny man.
What time are you coming home tonight?
You want Italian?
I'd prefer an answer first.
I have to get back.
That, that isn't an answer.
I wish I had one.
Grab something for me
and no more Kafka.
Life's too difficult
to be reading him 24/7.
I need a small break, just a tiny one.
I'm not you, my love.
Right.
How did you get here?
I cataloged every one of these.
GREG: I don't understand
why we can't just order pizza for dinner?
Already gave up on veal parmageeana?
Well you shot that down, didn't you?
You shoot everything down?
Look, forget Italian,
alright, forget Tampa.
Come with me to Toronto.
I don't have a license
to practice in Toronto.
I have a license to do
so here in California.
Same could be said of you.
GREG: We'll figure it out.
NINA: No.
It's not hard for me,
the real estate process.
You, you can consult for awhile,
a probational figure it out period.
It doesn't work that way.
How do you know?
I just do.
Fine, alright, I'll shut up.
In fact, I'll never speak
again, you want that?
I'll even pinky swear it.
Pinky swear?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
NATE: Brainless catdog, damn it.
What did you take?
What did you take, asshole?
I know where I'm not wanted.
NINA: Are you sure about that?
Dinner will be ready in 45
and I need you out by seven.
In all seriousness though,
what is with these socks?
Does he do kid's parties or what?
NINA: (laughs) He does not.
They're so itchy, I've told you that.
NINA: So take 'em off.
Everything's a complaint with you.
Must be a world record.
Do you want me to check up on that?
GREG: I'm not wearing the orange ones.
NINA: Did I say put
on the orange socks?
Can you please be quiet for two minutes?
Only if we order Chinese.
NINA: Oh my God, enough.
ANNOUNCER: I tell you, John,
there's a lot of ways to get
the game ball into the game
but this is unique, interesting.
We've seen it before and
you and I talked about it
when we watched it.
I'm just amazed at the
precision that they have.
They can land that parachute
right where they want.
Let's go down to the sidelines,
the third member of our
team tonight, Don Hacke.
Don?
That interesting, huh?
Hey, dinner's not ready yet.
You're losing.
We could come back.
It's just on mute for now.
Suddenly what, you're all business?
Suddenly you're not?
NINA: The camera, looks like
an ordinary point and shoot,
am I right?
They all look the same to me.
I will turn it off.
I'll assume that you understand.
Ho ho, that is so simple.
Came to me in the shower one night.
GREG: Man we could carry these around,
no issues or worries.
This is genius.
I try.
Seriously, you did a great job.
I appreciate that, thank you.
Now a disclaimer,
everything you read in here
is stored on this chip.
There are no backups for obvious reasons.
I will cut off your balls
if you lose this chip
and we shred after reading.
Are you with me?
Hello, Mr. Mayor.
What a douche.
I thought the same thing.
This is like a wet
dream within a wet dream.
Have you ever seen that movie?
I mean it is mind blowing.
We are gonna be fucking rich
with what I'm holding here.
So our contact's some low
level city planning guy, right?
Yeah, James Jones,
passed up for a promotion
after 12 years of work
and now he's a turncoat
though he prefers the term opportunist.
Don't we all?
We are seeds of progress.
MAYOR BANNON: Good morning. Hi, Patty...
You guys ready?
I've said it before
and I'll say it again today.
REPORTER: Mayor, Mr. Mayor?
REPORTER: Mayor Bannon?
You know I've said it many times before
and I'll asy it again today.
(REPORTERS CHATTERING)
You know, I've said it before
and I'll say it again today,
we are 100% dedicated to
keeping this site open
as a playground.
However, there is always
mitigating circumstances
that are completely
outside of our control.
We understand that the
site is a historic site.
And I assure you that I will
do everything in my power
to make sure that it stays open.
With that said...
- Mayor?
- Mr. Mayor?
KATE: Kate Jared, LA Gazette.
I didn't know progress
excited you that much.
You're a poet and a philosopher tonight.
I have been reading more.
Good.
Now that we're discussing
the poetics of seeds
and related proceedings,
maybe you have something
else to share with the class.
Me?
Yeah, you know, seeds become trees,
trees make paper and paper.
Well that can make many things.
For instance?
Newspaper, wrapping paper?
When discussing opportunity,
often the topic of
recompense is intimated.
Yeah but what seeds?
Focus.
Recompense, green paper,
former president "Bill" and
his friends Andrew, Ulysses
and Benjamin?
Oh right, right, right.
I thought you wanted to have another go
at the old "hide the sausage."
NINA: Maybe you need a lobotomy,
not a second circumcision
or maybe you need both.
You were being mysterious.
Normally when you're mysterious,
it means sex.
At least that's what
it means for me, babe.
How can you be ready again so soon?
I just am.
To be clear, we've talked about this,
about sincerity and gentleness.
I want to talk poetry
and science with you.
Okay fine, fine.
Recompense, poetry,
science, the second round.
He gives us the rest of the intel
once he gets this, right?
NINA: Easy huh?
It wasn't that easy
getting hold of this much
on short notice.
He better be good for it.
Hey, mind if I turn the sound back on?
Yes.
Time to celebrate then, I guess.
Another victory for Greg and Nina.
You know I always say
what a good team we are?
We should have a team name.
Grina or Nreg or something.
We work well together, it's true.
That is what I'm saying.
NINA: Look at what
we accomplished here.
I agree 100%.
It's all so extraordinary
and this Jones, he's no dummy.
How he ever found us, that
was pretty impressive.
God, smart men, they can do things to me.
Although, this information is
worth 10 times what he wants.
Maybe he's not too smart after all
but out with the old,
you know, he sees that,
that's the way of the world.
Sadly you knock down one
building, one country,
one world leader, whatever it is
all with the intention
of putting up another more profitable one,
it takes billions,
in this case, a few million to facilitate
but someone's gotta do it.
Well, to the grand opportunist, I guess.
There's one thing I don't understand
about Nate that is.
Be nice.
Aren't women usually librarians?
Then again, we are putting
him out of a job so...
NINA: I said be nice.
What?
I'm just noting our part
in balancing out the universe again.
Who needs libraries anyway?
Did you hear that?
NINA: I told you to stop
listening to your music so loud.
There was a noise.
Put that down.
That is a game used bat
he was given last summer.
Put it back.
A noise, Nina.
NINA: There was no noise
and none of the walls in
this house are padded, Greg,
stop it.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Why do you keep on mocking me?
Who's mocking who?
I recommend everyone get a brain
scan every couple of years.
I heard something.
The faint whisper of
schizophrenia maybe.
Enough, okay?
Everything is a joke with you.
We can't get busted Nina, you know that.
I know that, you know that
and I know that, you know?
NINA: Hey, relax.
No, you relax.
You're confusing
'cause first you're not
interested in business,
then you are
while the game's on
and then it's like you don't seem to care
how important it is if,
you don't care how serious
getting caught could be,
except you did, at least before,
with the chopping off
of my balls or whatever.
They have spies, Nina, you know this.
So can you be reasoned with or not?
Anything is possible.
Keep it up.
You make it too easy.
I am gonna take a look in this garage
and murder the shit
out of anyone hiding in there.
That okay with you?
You do that.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
NINA: Greg...
I hate football,
bunch of ball sacks chasing each other.
Oh hey look, touchdown, yayyy.
Who?
Your team, the guys in yellow.
Oh, we are going to the playoffs baby.
(GIGGLING)
NINA: You're crazy.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
NATE: So, what's this guy's name?
NINA: Oh, Greg something.
Greg something.
Don't worry about it.
You sure?
I can find it.
Why would I care, Greg something?
It's a nice name.
Sounds Eastern European
maybe, Estonian, Lithuanian.
I bet he's really some
macho stupid jackass
frat boy clown actually.
Ouch.
Some might consider me a
macho frat boy jackass clown.
If macho meant being able to carry
10 pound dusty books.
Multiple, multiple 10 pound dusty books,
thank you very much.
If this were reverse world
and by stupid jackass
they meant insane genius.
I think insane's a little harsh.
If frat boy type meant mensa.
Ouch.
Lady, bees are supposed
to have one stinger,
one and done, okay?
God I hate you.
The feeling is beyond mutual.
I hope you have a terrible day.
Oh words cannot describe how horrific
and catastrophic I hope your day is.
Are we still on for lunch?
Are you sure you need it?
Fuck you.
(LIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC)
ANNOUNCER: We're at halftime now
and it's been an interesting first half.
MAYOR BANNON: But that doesn't mean
we won't have to bulldoze it in the and.
But that doesn't mean we won't have to...
REPORTER: Mayor, Mr. Mayor?
But that doesn't mean we
won't have to bulldoze it
in the end.
That is a harsh reality.
Sometimes...
REPORTER: What about
the park Mr. Mayor?
But that doesn't mean we
won't have to bulldoze it
in the end.
That is the harsh reality.
Sometimes progress takes
precedent over sentimentality.
KATE: Kate Jared, LA Gazette.
What's sentimental about
protecting children's rights,
mayor?
REPORTER: Mr. Mayor?
Mayor, please?
Life goes on.
We have to move forward,
as a city, as a state, as a nation
and as a people united together as one.
REPORTER: Mayor!
KATE: Don't our kids have a right
to play in the open?
Unfortunately, that's
all the information
I have right now.
I ensure you we are working
very closely with city planning
to make sure that this gets resolved
in a timely and a very fair manner.
Thank you.
No questions today, guys, okay?
(LIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC)
Hey.
Why'd you turn the TV off?
Nothing interesting.
Well fine but what are you doing?
Suddenly you're a hard
boiled detective over here.
Did you find any fingerprints?
No, just been doing
some thinking lately.
Well gosh, that's certainly
something different.
About what, Detective Greg?
Our partnership isn't working out.
Really?
Since when exactly?
We can't keep going in circles, Nina.
Hey, it's okay.
No, it's not okay.
This is business, alright?
You spilled the beans, you blabbed.
You're a backstabbing,
bean spilling little...
Don't you say it.
Oh, you can discuss seeds
but I can't chat about beans?
It's all over the news, Nina,
me and you, you and me,
library, mayor scandal,
construction corruption,
you blabbed.
What?
No I didn't.
I didn't tell anybody, Greg.
What about that nerd of yours?
Why would I do that?
Liar. You're a liar.
I hate liars.
You told him.
I didn't tell him, honest.
Miss honesty and fidelity
2016 right over here.
Oh, I've got an idea,
why don't we ask, yeah,
let's ask this gentleman.
Hey, hey bro what's it feel like?
Greg.
You know where my nose was
when yours was jammed in your books?
Greg!
Jammed up where the sun don't shine.
Greg, enough!
What's gotten into you?
Why'd I trust you?
God only knows what's gonna happen.
Irreparably screwed.
To think how happy we
could've been in Tampa.
That's what this is about?
More or less.
I don't care what city you choose.
I will destroy it with
my hands brick by brick.
Go on, mention one more
city one more time.
Just say the first syllable
of the place and boom.
1812 Overture, Operation:
Defending Sanity,
do you read me?
Tampa's a beautiful place.
Tampa can suck my ass.
Tampa sucks nobody's ass, Nina.
(GROANING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Look what I found.
Where did you find that?
Hold on, Greg.
It has to be this way.
Just help me understand.
You jeopardized everything,
all of our hard work.
(LAUGHS)
I'm just shitting with you.
NATE: Nina!
(GUN BLASTING)
Nina!
Thanks for the book.
When did you get those done?
Oh, um, this afternoon.
How was your meeting?
Actually if it's not too much trouble,
I'd like to just eat in silence tonight.
Not feeling too well,
kind of tired.
NATE: Red's not your normal color.
You, stay there, be quiet.
You, also stay.
Right, pop quiz time.
Now be warned, Nate, I don't repeat myself
and I let things get really ugly.
Sometimes I even enjoy it when they do.
You must really love
looking in the mirror then.
Who hired you? The mayor?
What?
Who are you spying for?
NATE: This must be a joke.
I won't ask again.
You see, you see, Nina, I told you.
Fine, you got me,
yeah you got me... the
Mayor of the North Pole,
ever heard of him?
Jolly fellow, yeah,
he told me to keep an
eye on the two of you,
make sure you're gonna be naughty or good
or something to that effect.
I can't quite remember exactly what it was
you see 'cause I'm Jewish.
Stop it!
This is serious.
Why are you here?
I live here.
Why aren't you at work?
Why did you tie me up?
I don't know.
It seemed like the right idea at the time.
Just answer the question.
Untie me.
You answer the question first.
I felt sick.
Little heartburn.
He's lying, Nina.
We need to get rid of him.
This is ridiculous.
And please put that damn thing away.
You see?
You see, Nate?
I told you I didn't want
that thing in our house.
I told you it was bad.
I told you guns were bad
and you kept it in our fireplace,
our fucking fireplace?
Yeah.
If this helps, I finally agree with you.
Well whoopie, whoopie,
he agrees with me.
There's one for the record books, folks.
Whoopie, whoopie?
You ask me to agree with you so I agree,
now I'm in the doghouse for agreeing?
Could anybody believe this?
Could I?
Can you?
I...
That's not the point.
Greg, put it away.
Yeah, listen to the lady.
Hey, shut up.
Hey, you shut up.
- No you shut up.
- You shut up.
- No you shut up.
- You shut up.
No you shut up.
Just both of you shut the fuck up!
Greg, Nate is my husband.
We can trust him.
The hell you can.
I might not be spying for the mayor now
but I will to screw this
asshole the fuck over.
Nate!
GREG: See, see?
Shut up, Greg.
An explanation can fix this.
Nate, questions remain unanswered.
Right.
I didn't hear a thing, okay?
I didn't hear anything.
Holy shit, man, I feel
asleep in the garage.
You were asleep?
In the garage?
Yeah, it was dark, comfortable,
more than you could imagine.
I woke up, I see you guys
looking at the fireplace.
I swear, I didn't hear anything
you were doing or seeing.
I didn't hear anything
you were saying or doing,
nothing.
You don't think that I'm a psychic
out of one of those futuristic Philip K,
from a Philip K. Dick novel?
You think I'm psychic?
Am I psychic?
I'm tied up in a fucking
chair in my own house.
Am I psychic?
No, you're not.
I don't even know who you are.
He's nobody.
Trust me, he's a friend.
Greg, there are other ways,
kindness does the trick, bribery.
I am telling you he's nobody.
Hey, I am somebody.
We are all somebody.
Just give it a rest.
You say that so often.
Maybe I should just change
my name to that, you know?
Mr. Nobody, See-Through Guy,
The Invisible...
Man, yes excellent story, love it.
GREG AND NINA: Shut up!
Be reasonable.
No, reason, like
charity, is for suckers.
Greg, just...
No, you know what,
just leave me alone.
NINA: Oh God.
Wait here.
Yeah, I was kind of planning on it.
Might want to get him a bath toy.
There's some tissues over on,
ah, fuck it, he doesn't
have a man card anyway.
GREG: I came here for some privacy.
Not happening.
You're not on the toilet.
People shit their pants all the time.
But not you, right?
Why not me?
Because as nice as it might feel
in the beginning, Greg,
it quickly loses its warmth and appeal.
It requires more cleanup
than originally anticipated
and it just develops into
a stinky situation overall.
It's not okay to shit your pants ever.
I know that now.
And so should you.
Nina...
Never mind.
Forget it.
I'm sorry.
He has a right to be angry.
Fine, maybe so,
but he still knows too much.
He probably overheard everything we said
about the library and the mayor.
These people are dangerous, Nina,
they're crazy.
In this situation, he's dumber than you.
You think so?
Greg, no.
I don't understand.
I'm still married.
Greg...
Why not Nina, come on?
Because we just... an hour ago, twice,
and my husband is downstairs and how?
How is that even possible?
Ow, ow, ow!
Kind of blah actually.
Blah's a good word for it.
You know, the sound of vomiting.
The truth is I,
I've been in matrimonial
bliss for the last two years
and now I'm spying on my wife.
Bathroom now.
Why does he get to leave?
Zip it.
Honestly what does she see in him?
You are good looking, bro.
That dude's passable, maybe at a zoo.
Damn librarians... Snobby Little Bastards.
Books, books, books, I can read a book,
I can read a book for you.
Mr. Freaking Encyclopedia.
Probably takes dick pills.
I'm trying to clean.
Well, whoopie, whoopie,
that's a first for the record books folks,
first time ever.
Just stop adding to the mess.
Fine, do what you want.
That's it?
That's it?
There's no lecture?
You know, "Go to hell, Nate!"
or "Maybe you should grow up, Nate" or ah.
Hey, Nina, look at me,
we're supposed to have rules here.
You're supposed to fight back.
Hello?
Hey?
Hello.
No, that's where you're wrong.
That's where it all falls
apart for you right there.
There are no rules, never were.
Get back, I'll handle it.
What can I do?
Nina, tell me what to do?
Tell you what to do?
Tell you?
What do you want to hear Nate?
Do you desire instructions
on how to clean up
this massive life fucking disaster?
So do I.
I can't stand it when you get like this.
What'd I do, break a lampshade?
What'd I do, what did I do?
I broke a lamp, I broke a lamp.
You know, it is so typical of you
to not even want to help clean.
This is your mess too.
You vacuum, I do the
dishes, that's the deal.
Sure, fine, great, the deal.
Don't worry, I'll get it.
I have nightmares about
the dishes, nightmares.
I'm over there by the kitchen sink
covered in soap sud,
I've got these heavy yellow gloves.
Suddenly you fall in.
Full of grime
Into the sink
and somehow you shrink down
to some tiny dish size Nate mid fall
and you don't know how
it happens but it does.
That's right, I fall in,
I fall in, my foot gets
caught under a teacup handle,
I get pulled under the water
and I'm drowned because of your teacup.
Interesting, Nate.
There's just one problem with that.
In reality, I don't drink tea.
I hate it.
You drowned by your own teacup.
All hail Freud, I guess.
Oh the jokes come so
naturally to you, don't they?
See, see that?
Antisemite.
Yes, right.
That makes sense.
As if any of this makes sense.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
You broke more things than I did.
How convenient
now that humpty dumpty
isn't around to help us.
Oh, he did have a great fall
or was that you smashing
a lamp over his head?
Suddenly you're defending him?
You should've just had him shoot me.
Now we have to clean all this shit up
instead of just my brains.
I'm sorry, he tried to shoot you.
NATE: Oh well okay, in
that case all's forgiven.
(SIGHING)
So where'd you meet?
What?
You and your friend?
At work.
We met at work.
That is a lawyer, that?
No, he's a broker.
He sells the property
and I handle any legal
issues that might come up.
What?
That's...
"Greg Something"
That's Greg, Greg Greg.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
It's just a book, Nina.
Is it?
Just...
It is that Greg...
Are you gonna answer me?
I can explain later.
Are we really gonna sit here
and have dinner with this dummy of yours?
Just be nice.
He's self conscious.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Alright, get lost.
I came here for some privacy, Nate.
It's my home, asshole.
Alright fine, I'm leaving.
Finally, bye bye, Sayonara.
Sorry, what?
Never mind, you Greg doll.
(SAD MUSIC)
Told you we should've gone out to eat.
You know where they make great salads?
You better not say Tampa.
Nina's Kitchen.
It's a cute place.
I've been there a bunch
but I keep forgetting to tell the owner
how beautiful she is.
(SAD MUSIC)
ANNOUNCER: Now that's a new rule.
You get another one of
those and you're gone.
You're out of the game.
- Now, a 23 yard field goal.
- Off!
Turn it off, Greg.
It's a sickness, an actual addiction
that's annoying me.
Since when do you enjoy football Nate?
I don't.
But we have a guest today.
Okay, well I'll go wash my hands.
Again?
Paranoia, OCD, what else?
Well he interrupted me last time
and I was dusty and dirty hands and,
hey, I was right about him hiding.
What do you need permission now?
What, are you nine?
Just go wash your hands.
You heard him.
Great job cleaning in there, by the way.
I just wanted to share the fun.
I'm learning oodles and
oodles about you today.
Just oodles.
No kidding.
Yeah, you see I always knew
that you drank like a sailor.
I just had no idea that
you fight like a barbarian.
How many more secrets do you have?
Oodles.
GREG: Oh man, am I starving
but I think we've all had
enough fun for one day,
I should probably get going.
What?
No, no, please stay.
A friend of Nina's is a friend of mine.
Thanks Nate but it's fine.
- Oh, sorry.
- What the hell?
Sorry, I'm sorry.
Those are my favorite socks.
NINA: Go change them.
It's just bourbon, it'll dry off.
Go.
Hey, you okay?
I need to show you something.
Oh, it's professionally done.
Then it can't be him.
Who cares who it is?
If this gets out,
we'll spend the rest of our
lives in prison or worse.
And you know what I
mean by worse. I mean...
If you have a better
suspect let me know but
why couldn't you just let me leave?
Granted, yes, Nate would
want to save the library
by any and all low down
vicious means necessary
if he knew.
He doesn't.
At least he didn't.
He's a liability.
Hey you guys.
(SAD MUSIC)
What's wrong?
Nothing, nothing at all.
We were just admiring the
stonework.
Ah, he means our back splash.
Back splash.
You know, I never noticed how intricate
these little tiles really are.
Isn't it funny
how you sometimes never notice things?
I remember once a few years...
I noticed what appeared to be
new wallpaper in my mother's house.
Did I ever tell you this story?
Right out of The Twilight Zone.
So when I asked her about it,
she said it'd been there since
before they bought the house.
That was before I was born.
Crazy, am I right?
Hey.
I'm fine.
You've had enough.
- We're home it's safe.
- We all have, we all have.
Just let her drink, man.
She shouldn't have too much.
I'm fine.
I'm so super fine.
See what I mean?
See what I mean?
Okay.
Go on and drink yourself to death,
see if I care.
Drink it all,
drink it all.
I will see if you care, won't I?
No, no you won't because you'll be dead.
I bet you'd love that.
More quiet to read, that's for sure.
He loves to read, sure does, loves it,
loves, loves, loves it. More than me.
Why don't you eat the
bottle too while you're at it?
Great idea, Nate.
It is, it is a great idea.
- No, no.
- Yes.
Leave her alone.
Give it over.
Back off.
You have a problem.
Yes, yes, you, you're my problem.
Just give it to me,
give me the damn,
give it, give it over.
Nate, stop, Nate stop.
Guys, this is childish, seriously.
Don't tickle me.
Don't tickle me.
Just give it to me.
Okay.
Now, back to your story.
Your childhood story about wallpaper,
some Murakami maybe,
talking cats or delirious
sheep men involved.
I'm still on the edge of my seat.
Guys, could we talk
about something else?
Wallpaper's not really my thing.
What I was trying to say
was that my whole childhood
was surrounded by that wallpaper
but it wasn't until I
came home from college
that I noticed the pattern.
Somehow it just blended into
that whitish pinkish blur
that I always saw as the house walls.
It's funny, huh?
I guess we get so caught up in things,
we ignore what's right in front of us.
So please let me have some of that
so I can drink myself stupid
and forget what I have missed
or forgotten along the way.
It's not a toy, Greg.
GREG: You look nice.
I want to discuss the property
on Chestnut Street, Greg.
Cut the shit.
That monstrosity across
from the police station?
That old dinosaur?
If that's how you see it.
It's a little tricky.
May need some help on that one.
Lot of characters who can't catch on
to what I'm doing too early.
All of it completely legal of course.
At least, that's why you're here.
Thing is why do you want
to do something like this?
It's an historical building,
it's popular amongst everyone really.
You're looking to annoy
some people, aren't you?
Are you attached to it personally?
It's beautiful, it is.
The fact is I grew up around here,
I've spent a lot of time in that building.
But I'm not a child anymore.
I'm sure you can see that.
And once I get something
locked in this block of mine,
good or bad,
it's hard to let go of it.
It just stays lodged in there.
I should warn you though,
I can be a little difficult to deal with.
I've been told the same about myself.
Wait, stop, what am I doing?
Don't do this to me again, alright?
Hey, I told you, it gets easier.
It's just sex, alright?
It's not like I'm asking
you to run away with me.
We're just two friends
blowing off a little steam.
You, stop looking at me.
And you,
whatever.
Hey, quiet.
Hey, stop looking at me.
And you, hell if I believe
all the poet prosy shit
you've been nauseating us with
the past couple hours.
Who are you working for?
This is insane.
Shh, quiet.
I'm beginning to think the two of you
are working together.
Yeah, you're trying to set me up.
For what?
Just a word of advice for you,
jealousy's a major turnoff for the ladies.
Who's being jealous, me of you?
If the shoe fits, Cinderella.
Don't call me Cinderella.
You sure as hell ain't
Prince Ramiro, are you?
Yeah oh!
Oh wait, you don't know
who that is, do you?
Hey, hey, hey, I'm
not stupid, librarian.
Why is it always about you, Greg?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(MEN GRUNTING)
Guys!
Guys!
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(MEN GRUNTING)
Yeah just don't suffocate me
with the stench of your hairspray.
I'm gonna kill you.
I use the recommended amount.
(GUNFIRE BLASTING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
NINA: Nate!
Nate!
Damn it!
Why?
Why what?
Don't play games with me.
You need to pump your stomach immediately.
Pump my stomach?
This isn't funny.
He took pills.
I did?
I did.
You may die.
(LAUGHS) Me?
What?
Me die?
I'm not ready for that.
I have all of these books I have to read.
I haven't even read half of them.
This is crazy.
I want to be able to read
those books back to you.
I enjoy those moments
when I read them to you
and you enjoy when I'm
reading to you as well.
Wait a second, Nina, I didn't
take any fucking pills, Nina.
What?
I didn't take any pills.
Are you sure he's smarter than me?
You idiot.
What, what did I say?
Nate, we need to get him to a hospital.
I am fine.
I am so totally fine.
It's just a little chicken
soup for an angry soul.
You took my pills?
How many did you have?
All of 'em.
All of 'em?
All of them?
Every last one.
Every last one?
Every last pill, he had all my pills.
I can't believe this.
I'm not due for a refill
for another two weeks.
Dr. Yanklewitz is not gonna like this.
Do you understand how dangerous this is?
Greg, this is for your own good.
Now this is for your own good.
No!
(GRUNTING)
GREG: Hey, that's weird.
NINA: Nothing is weird, sit up, Greg.
Ow!
There's something under the couch
My sanity maybe.
No, no, no, no, there's
nothing under there.
You're imagining it,
it's definitely the pills.
Agreed.
You're probably hallucinating
for all we know.
You need medical attention.
Stop telling me what I need!
(SNIFFING)
I am bleeding again.
Extra tissue boxes are in the garage.
I know.
No, no, they're not in there.
No, they're not, they're
not in there, they're...
We need to get him to a hospital, Nate.
Stop screwing around, Greg,
get a tissue and then let's go.
Nate!
What are you gawking at?
Let's go.
Nate!
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
I'll tell you.
Matter of fact, I'll show you.
(SLOW MUSIC)
The sound of vomiting.
Precious little Nate
with his precious little house
and his precious little home cooked meals.
And his shitty little job
at the shitty little library.
And now I'm spying on my wife.
I'm even
sneaking around my own house.
I actually parked two blocks down
and one block over.
There's your real Nate right there.
Here, catch, have a breakfast bar.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Pop quiz time.
NINA: Oh God.
NATE: Honestly, why didn't one
of us just leave this house?
We could've reconvened at a
far less contentious time.
Why didn't I leave?
Yeah, I wish you would have.
Why didn't you say anything then?
And you...
Let her go, we'll talk it out.
We'll talk it out.
I can't look at her anyway,
she makes me sick.
Nate!
I hate her.
I hate you.
She probably hates me too, you know,
it's a hatey hate hate,
it's a circle of hate.
Hate circle we're living in.
Triangle.
What's that smart guy?
You know, three sides, me, her, you...
Husband, wife, and you...
Keep pushing, genius.
Push me and see what happens.
Oh don't cry, Nina.
I'll let him go, alright?
I'll walk out of here.
Make her stop, Nate.
NATE: She's had way to much,
wouldn't do any good.
Make her stop crying.
Trust me.
I can't.
If I could, I would.
He's right.
Will you just give me a moment, Greg?
Why do you always take his side?
Why am I even here?
You look so happy together.
We were.
So tired.
(GRUNTING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Is he... dead?
I don't know, Nate.
Well it looks like it.
Then he's probably dead.
We need to get free.
He literally poured his heart out.
Not now.
I just...
You just need to help get the knife
and then we can think these things out.
Yeah, poison, suicide, what
is this, Romeo and Juliet?
Why does he get to play Romeo?
I'm Romeo.
Novels, he's talking about novels.
Shakespeare wrote plays.
Really, really?
How fascinating.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Seriously?
(LAUGHING)
(GENTLE MUSIC)
That's a little weird.
Are you really trying to seduce me
while he's laying over there?
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Nate!
Nate!
Yep, I'm here.
NINA: How many times have I asked you
to replace a roll when it's done?
Roughly about 17 zillion
or so, give or take.
Could you bring me a roll now?
What's the magic password?
Bring me a roll before
I carve your eyes out
with our silver soup spoon set.
Alright!
How was that for nice?
(GENTLE MUSIC)
NATE: Pretty awful, actually.
(KETTLE HISSING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)