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Axe Murdering with Hackley (2016)
[crickets chirping]
[ominous music] [owl hooting] [film reel scratching] - [Dwight] It's over. - [Tobi] We did it, he's dead. - [Narrator] You thought it was over. [ominous music] You were wrong. Hackley, he moves like a shadow. [creepy breathing] [lightning rumbling] Never runs, never makes a sound. [bat whacking against body] Don't be scared, don't be frightened, be completely terrified. [woman screaming] [ax hacking flesh] [upbeat rap music] Hackley's reign of terror will never end. But those who do, it's time to make your voice heard - [Narrator] There's just no stopping Hackley. [ominous music] [flesh squelching] From the director of The Rancid Terror and Yell II, Hackley XVII: Blood Lines. Coming Fall, 1985. Hackley is back. [ominous music] [creepy breathing] [creepy breathing] - Oh shit! [ax whooshing] [man screaming] - Help! [ax hacking flesh] - Help, help me! - Run, run! [bones cracking] - Please, let me go! [women screaming] [footsteps pattering] [door banging open] [group screaming] [bones cracking] - Run! [man groaning] [man mumbling] [creepy breathing] [dramatic music] - Is he still back there? [ominous music] - [Girl] Yep. - I wanna get a selfie. - Are you serious? - [chuckling] Yeah, it's kinda fun. And, oh, there he is, - Stop. - He's kinda - Switch, come on. - Fine. Can we please stop? - Look, just don't take your eyes off of him and we'll be fine. - [Bobbie] How long have we been at this now? - [Hackley] 13 fucking hours. [ax hacking flesh] [blood spurting] I've never been so glad to kill somebody in my entire fucking life. [ax hacking flesh] [blood spurting] I'm definitely bringing this shit up with my manager. [birds chirping] [alarm beeping] [ax smashing alarm] [alarm sizzling] [suspenseful music] [upbeat music] [creepy breathing] [creepy breathing] [creepy breathing] [creepy breathing] My therapist thinks I've got too much pent-up anger and frustration. Well, I mean, what do you want me to do about it? That's what I'm seeing you for. And he's like, I don't know, you could write a journal. This is the 21st century, nobody does that anymore. What everybody does is they blog. Here I am. I hate my job. Now, don't get me wrong, I love what I do. I hate my bosses, my cubicle, and what's worse, the mountains of red tape I gotta go through. We are just bogged down with status report after status report. And then in-between the status reports, we gotta have a status meeting. You would think that once you've reached my level of seniority, that the only things I'd have to worry about are attack dogs, FBI's most wanted, guys like Donald Pleasance, but no. I have to write status reports. [upbeat music] - [El Matador] Status meeting! Hello all, we've got a lot to go over, ya hosers, so settle down. - [Hackley] My manager. [sighing] You know, his status meetings are apparently always so important, yet not important enough for him to get there on time. - [El Matador] Did everyone have a chance to look over the new rules that we passed out last week? There is some important stuff in here. Alright, well, since this is a status meeting, let's go around the room and get everybody's statuses. Rancid? - [Hackley] Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. He's, ah, he's dead. He's gonna be a little late. - [El Matador] Guys, if you're gonna be late, I'm gonna need you to send me an email. - [Hackley] Well, that's a little hard when you're dead and in a box six feet under the ground. You don't get real good reception. - [El Matador] Hyde, how's the thing you're working on going? - [Hackley] Yeah, well, hey, before you get started, I got a couple things I wanted to talk you about like this whole no running thing. - [El Matador] No, no, no, no, no, this is a status meeting. We do not talk about rule changes at a status meeting. - [Hackley] But they're stupid, we, we need to address these rules. - [El Matador] It's a status meeting. Now, what's your status? [Hackley sighing] - [Hackley] I spent half a day following these girls, and I can't actually kill 'em 'cause one of them was turned around looking at me, which is another one of your stupid rules. So I had a little trouble killing them in a timely fashion. - [El Matador] Obviously, I'm not very happy with your performance. We are going to have to put you on a performance improvement plan. - [Hackley] What? No, no, no, no, I've been here 30 years, alright? I'm in a company commercial. A PIP, me? - [El Matador] You're not getting fired. We're not mad at you. We just wanna help get ya back on track. - [Hackley] Have you even been in the field for 20 years? I mean, no, you don't even know what it's like out there, man. These rules, they don't work anymore. Nobody can kill effectively with this kind of limitation. - [El Matador] Rival, what's your status? - [Rival] I killed 17 people this week. Six stoners, three sluts, about a dozen total assholes. Also, I took out Kris Kringle, that drunken, mean-spirited mall Santa. Used to work for Killers Unlimited. - [El Matador] You got a Clash of the Titans kill? - [Rival] Yeah, I gutted him real good. You know, my bare hands just reached in there and pulled his intestines out, and wrapped 'em around the Christmas tree like tinsel. [El Matador chuckling] Alright. That mall will never be the same. - [El Matador] [laughing] Great work, and did you happen to have to break any company policies to get that done? - [Rival] No, I did not. - [El Matador] Hmm. - Lucky. - Well, Asparagus? - Ah, I, this week, um, got new hangers for my closet. - [El Matador] Well, great work. [chuckling] [Asparagus chuckling] - Okay, we've all gone over our statuses, right? We've taken care of that order of business. So do you think maybe now we can discuss and brainstorm some of these company policies? - [El Matador] This is a status meeting! - [Hackley] But we've got the conference meeting for another... Fine. - [El Matador] Great, so being the last status meeting of the month, it's time for [knuckles tapping] Employee of the Month! [chuckling] And I think it comes to no surprise that RKS's Employee of the Month, Rival! Congratulations. - Yay, Rival! [group clapping] Yeah! [El Matador clapping] Woo! - [El Matador] So, thank you all for attending. Hackley, please come see me when you have a moment, so we can talk about your performance improvement plan. Okay? Great work guys. [atmospheric music] - Ah, morning buddy. - [Hackley] Hey, Rancid, what you got there, a little resurrection goo or whatever? - You know it. - [Hackley] I don't why you use those wipes still, man. They changed the formula. It's like totally biodegradable now. In fact, it tastes like - Really? - pineapple. - Really? - [Hackley] Yeah, I just lick it off. - Hmm, really? - Make a pina coloda out of it. What? - That taste like semen. - [Hackley] Pretty good, huh? Dumb ass. - Asshole. So, how was the, ah, the meeting this morning, huh? - [Hackley] Yeah, just be glad you weren't there. That was the most boring-- - That's what I figured. - Yeah. - You know, I, ah, I got myself killed last night on purpose so I wouldn't have to go. - [Hackley] [clicking tongue] Good thinking. - [laughing] Mm-hmm. - I should have thought of that myself. - My office! Five minutes, Hackley. - Good morning, chief. - Put your mask on. [Rancid sighing] - [Rancid] Hold on, there we go. One sec, alright. I'm stuck, it's-- - Come on. Let's show a little professionalism. - [Rancid] Alright. - [El Matador] Professionalism. - [Rancid] What's his problem? - [Hackley] Yeah, I kinda got put on plan. Don't laugh. [Rancid laughing] What did I just say? - [Rancid] So what's El Jefe going to make you do for your performance improvement plan? - [Hackley] That I, I don't know. My boss, El Matodor. From Canada. Makes sense, doesn't it? You know, they say that those who can't, they teach. Well, those who can't and are also morons, ah, they get stuck in middle management. His whole life, he wanted to integrate his national heritage into his whole serial killer shtick. And right when he's about to unleash his new Canadian inspired costume, this other guy comes out with one that's almost exactly the same. He's got no time, he's running around at the last minute, and he goes with the Mexican theme. And after 30 years, he has never let it go. - [El Matador] What's the big deal with the hockey mask, anyway? I mean, that hoser, mongoloid retard isn't even from some place cold. He's from Mississippi. He's never even been to a hockey game. I'm from Saskatchewan. I've been wearing a hockey mask ever since I was born. It just really gets my goat, you know? - Yeah, goats. - So, you're on plan. And we're gonna lay out clear expectations and give you a task to get you off of plan. - What? This is stupid, man. This is asinine. - Don't get an attitude with me, eh, you're only in this situation because of your actions. And this task will help you get on track so that everybody's happy. - [Hackley] Alright, look, can just give me my, I don't know, Lassie Tasks, so I can get back to play, I mean to work. - [El Matador] Don't think I don't know what you mean by that, eh. You're gonna take these tasks seriously. - [Hackley] Lassie Tasks. We call them that because management tries to talk 'em up and make 'em look all heroic, but everybody knows he just a bitch. And all of that stuff that involves, you know, all of that workhorse stuff. Basically anything that has nothing to do with killing, that's not for us, that's for the new guys. - [El Matador] Hyde is going to kill a whole bunch of kids at a fat camp. We nee you to Molly Maid it and then you, no, no, no, no, not that one. - Being a Molly Maid. - Hackley was here and he killed all my friends. - Hack-- - There were bodies everywhere. - Listen, Hackley's been dead for weeks, okay. I think we're gonna have to take you into custody. - Can't you smell the Lysol? - Yeah, we're gonna go. [ominous music] - [El Matador] Rival needs someone to cue up his theme music. Ah, Schindler's List? - [Hackley] And then there's Schindler's Listing. It's where you put 'em on a live list and there's a die list. That task is actually not that, it's not that bad. Unless you're Schindler's Listing a Jewish guy. In which case you start thinking about Nazis, and you know, you kind of feel like a dick. Especially when you put 'em on the die list. - [El Matador] [chuckling] A blonde, a cut blonde girl. Danielle Peckham, sheriff's daughter. Check it out. - [Man] If our cast can't find a reason to kill you, you become a free agent. Who would you like to see pick up your contract? - You know, I'd be honored by any of those big companies. Would love to see Grizzle. I've been a big fan of his work for years. LK Limited had the kill rates to me before RKS, and they always kept stuff interesting, so it'd be an honor for any one of those. - [Hackley] Yeah, okay, look, I know the drill, but, um, I don't like the way we're doing things. I have to spend all this time casing the joint. We could just kill her. Can you imagine how ballsy that would look? We're not even worrying about whether or not she's a good girl, we just kill her. She's a good girl, you know what I'm saying? Think about the headline Man, it would be like, look, anyone could be a victim. - [El Matador] No. Hackley, that's dumb. We, we can't go off company handbook. We have these things for a reason. - [Hackley] No, we don't. Dude, the only reason that we have that handbook is because a bunch of suits sit around in some office somewhere, we don't even know where it is, and they like just sit to justify - no, look, this. - [Hackley] their existence. They just make a bunch of corporate pol-- - Whoa there, slow down. This policy is very important to me, so I want you to follow it. This happens to be integral and very important to the credibility of our organization. - [Hackley] Important? You made that policy, didn't you? That's yours. - [El Matador] It don't matter none who wrote it. Also, we've got an intern starting next week. I want you to take him under your wing, and when you're done with your Lassie, special tasks, show him the ropes. - [Hackley] Oh, no. - [El Matador] So, I've got your girl's address right here. Take it. Let me know if you have it. - Okay. - You're gonna need this address to find her. - So please-- - Photographic memory. Remember? - [El Matador] Call me if you have any questions. Adios. [Hackley sighing] - Hey, you busy? - No. So, what's your Lassie Task? - [Hackley] I'm, I'm Schindler's Listing this chick. - Oh. - Yeah, you wanna get some coffee and come along? - [Rancid] Yeah. [atmospheric guitar] - Oh, shit. Don't look. - [Rancid] Shit. - Hey, friends. - [Hackly] Hey, Asparagus. You ever have that one guy at your job, you know, you're not really sure what he does or how he even stays employed? Well, ours is Asparagus. I don't he's killed a single person. I think he's kinda like this special outreach or something, but they're not telling us. - Ah, can I, can I, ah, ask you a question? - [Hackley] Sure. - Thanks. [atmospheric guitar] - [Hackley] Your car or mine? - [Rancid] Ah, it's your assignment, you drive. Then, I take the bag of weed, and I shove it in his mouth and I ligth the whole damn thing on fire. Poof! [laughing] - [Hackley] Nice, I haven't done anything fun like that in years, man. Not since they put those proposed guideline, 13 rules into effect or whatever. More of that bullshit I'm talking about, man. [voice distorting on intercom] - [Hackley] What do you want? - [Rancid] Um, low fat latte. - [Hackley] Could I get a low fat latte and whatever, that thing right there on the menu. [voice distorting] Yeah, that thing. [voice distorting] You know they're gonna make you fill out 1048 form for that PG13, Mary Jane kill, right? - No. - Why not? Why not? I mean, they make me fill it out. How come I have to do this paperwork and you get off for free? - [Rancid] 'Cause me and El Bosso are cool like that. - [Hackley] Thank you. Whoa, ah? - [Rancid] Ah, dude, can you get some extra napkins? This guy in the back's getting crap all over me. - [Hackley] Yeah, yeah, can we get some extra napkins? [man gasping] Thank you much. - [Rancid] Thank you. Thank you. [atmospheric guitar] One, two, three, four [upbeat rock music] - [Hackley] So, how do you avoid doing all of that paperwork, man? - [Rancid] I get in good with the boss. It's like, you know, playing fantasy football late together, we go shoot pool from time to time. I gave him one of those cheerleaders from the old football massacre last year. - Oh, yeah? - He's not gonna fire me. It's like, we don't pay wages like any of the other companies in town. You know? - Mm-hmm. - [Rancid] So I take care of the big stuff, and he doesn't sweat the small stuff. - [Hackley] Why doesn't he do that shit with me, man? I mean, I've been at this company longer than anybody. I got 15 company records. - [Rancid] Because you're a dick to him. - [Hackley] 15, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a dick, okay. Technically you're right. But yeah, okay, I'm not gonna stop being a dick just to get out of paperwork. So who killed you last night? - [Rancid] Oh, this really hot chick. A chick so hot you'd be like, oh, there's no way she could keep guys out of her pants. But she does. - Man. - [Rancid] And I get taken out. - That sucks. - Better than fucking last month. This real like nerdy kid with all these nerdy stereotypes, you know, like glasses and shit. - Fair fight. - Suck my dick. I couldn't have taken that kid that one time since they cut off both of my arms, you know? - Mm-hmm. - But I just have to sit there and take it. - [Hackley] Yeah, I know what you mean, man. My worst one is this little eight year old kid, right. He's coming down the stairs and I'm gonna get ready to just let him kill me because of the rules, but I notice he has shaved all of his hair on his whole body. - Whole body? - Yeah, well, on his head at least. Maybe he didn't have hair anywhere else yet. - Sure. - But not just that, he was wearing these like tiny, little daisy duke looking shorts on his little chicken legs. He's, he's got the moxie, right? Like he's trying to act all tough. Where I'm almost pissed myself laughing was he tried to like run me through with his little, his little grubby hands on that little cutlass he had from a toy set, man. It wasn't even funny. I think it was Pirates of the Caribbean or something like that. - [Rancid] I never got that company policy. - [Hackley] Oh, yeah, that's, that's retarded. - [Rancid] Where is this chick, anyways? - [Hackley] Oh, you know, I'm sorry, I didn't call her and let her know that we were gonna be sitting here stalking her and casing her, you know, just in case we wanna cut her head off. [man gasping] Well, ah, actually, on that note man, be a little serious, I've been thinking about getting a new job. I'm just tired of all the bullshit around here. - [Rancid] You know there's bullshit everywhere, right? - [Hackley] Yeah, yeah, yeah, but at least it would be new bullshit, right? And so then you're in that, you know, you don't even know it's bullshit for a good several months, and so you're kinda sitting in that blissful ignorance where you don't even realize how much like sucks. - [Rancid] So what brought this on? - [Hackley] Ah, you, nothing, nothing, nothing at all. Want some coffee? - [Rancid] Rival got employee of the month again today. - [Hackley] How come they haven't given that to me once? [Rancid laughing] I mean, I've got 15 company records. - [Rancid] Same reason, you're a dick. - [Hackley] But I owned the 80's. And I owned the 90's, alright? And he just sits there with his, you now, stupid mask on, polishing his stupid trophies with a stupid name that doesn't even go with serial killer. I mean, Rival? Are you serious? What was he, was he like the guy in Karate Kid 2? - [Rancid] I think someone needs tacos. - [Hackley] [sighing] Yeah, fair enough. Fuel me through the day All the way until the night It's bad for my heart So why'd I ever start I don't now But you can get it anywhere Even Walmart It's great for a while As long as it would last Till my body started begging For some more real fast Give me more, give me more I gotta get my hit Gotta get another strip - [Hackley] I don't believe for one second that he can take a seven foot nine basketball player and kill him with a pump that you use to inflate a basketball. It's obviously bullshit. Oh, oh, that might be her. - [Rancid] What, what she's, ah, what she's doing? - [Hackley] It looks like laundry. Oh, shit. - What? What dude? - Really? Oh, man. - What's she doing? - Oh, yeah. - She's not in the shower, is she? - Mm-hmm. - [Rancid] She's in the fucking shower? Oh, goddammit, I can't. - No, no, no, no. - [Rancid] I can't just sit in this car while there's a hot - You can't. - girl in the shower. - Look, we cannot just go kill her. First, we have to case the joint as if we were going to kill her. - [Rancid] There is a hot girl in the shower. I can't not kill her. - [Hackley] I, I hear you. I understand, I mean, look, I'm wearing a mask too. I wanna go over there and cut her head off. It's a, it's a hot naked girl. I'm with you, man. - In the shower. - [Hackley] Yeah, but it's the bullshit. It's the bullshit I was talking about. Although, you wanna go kill some awkward World of Warcraft players? We can kill them. Some people ask me, where'd you get your costume? You know, it was one of those throwaway things that was just laying in my closet. I think my grandma gave me, I never really wore it. So I decided to do this focus group and they came up with the apron. I just kinda splashed blood on it, and, I don't know, it just kinda looked like I made brisket out of the Brady Bunch. We don't use real blood anymore. You probably didn't know this but blood, when it dries, it turns brown. With that blood, it would look like somebody just went and smeared a whole bunch of doo-doo on me. And not only does it look like poop. [ominous music] [cat meowing] [Joanie groaning] - [Scott] Yeah. - I love this. - Oh, yeah. You okay? - Ah, what's that smell? - [Scott] Don't worry about it. - It's really bad. - Is it me? I, I showered today. - No, it's, I don't even know where it's coming from. - [Man] Here, just take your mind off it. [cat meowing] [creepy breathing] - No, I can't. I, I can't lose - What? - my virginity this way. I can't. - What? - Scott, I, put me down now. - Joanie, Joanie? - Gross. - I don't smell anything. - [Hackley] That kinda bullshit can seriously cut into a man's productivity. [phone ringing] - Hello? Asparagus, how many times have we gone over this? Your life insurance policy does not cover you every time you die. Is that clear? - [Plague] I cannot seem to get anyone scared of me. Yeah, everyone's scared once you hack their legs off with garden shears, but with you, you just walk into a room and everyone runs screaming. - Yeah, uh-huh. - Me? I walk in, everyone just stares. What is it that you're doing that I'm not doing? Is there any like a thing? You got that ax thing. - [Hackley] Yeah, yeah, you know, um, you know these things, they just take time. I mean, look at me, I didn't become a legendary killer overnight, right? Maybe you just need a few big kills and, you know, you'll be just as scary as the rest of us. You know? - So you're saying I do need an ax? Or is it this outfit? I need a new outfit? - No, no, no, no. Please do not change anything about this outfit. This is, this is not the problem. Trust me. [upbeat music] It's just gonna take time to find your thing. - [Plague] Yeah, maybe you're right. - [El Matador] Oh, hey there. Hey, Hackley. [pencil clattering] [pencil clattering] [pencils clattering] [pencil clattering] Hmm, Hackley, hey, hey. - Oh. - [El Matador] Your new intern is here. - [Hackley] Hey, boss. - [El Matador] Ah, come on down Ah, we're right here. Ah, here, have a seat. Ah, right there. Okay. Now, Hackley, um, this is Mitre-Saw, Mitre-Saw, this is Hackley. Ah, you two get acquainted and you kids have fun. Okay? Okay. Woo. - Hey. - Hello. - [Hackley] Look, the first thing we're gonna need to do is, yeah, let's get you a mask. - No mask. - [Hackley] What do you mean, no mask? - I want my victims to look upon me and see frailty. A life past its prime. One to make them realize how much they're wasting theirs. - [Hackley] Okay, look, I see what you're trying to do. It's cute but we all wear masks. That's just, you know, basics. You see that guy back there? [atmospheric guitar] That's the kind of guy who doesn't wear a mask. Yeah. [sighing] Look, um, I gotta go do this thing, so I'm gonna be a while, but I tell you what, later you and I, we're gonna go out and I'm gonna show you the ropes. - Ow. - [Hackley] What do you mean, ow? - I'm ill. My disease has spread throughout leaving me weak. - [Hackley] Ew, what kind of disease? - Cancer. - Oh. - And diptheria. - Oh. - And consumption. - Wow. [hands rubbing on clothes] - And lupus sometimes when, whenever it gets cold. - [Hackley] Alright, I tell you what, you go ahead and get some sleep. Conserve your strength, if you die, go ahead and give me a call. Otherwise I will see you later. And, yeah. [upbeat music] I've been getting really, really angry lately. My therapist says I have what's called an impulse control problem. [atmospheric music] [customers chattering] Hey, that was tea. [creepy breathing] [body thudding in dumpster] [ominous music] [body thudding in dumpster] I have to remind my therapist, of course I have an impulse control problem, I'm a serial killer. - [El Matador] And that's why we've started asking survivors to fill out this survey, so that we can become better killers. [ominous music] [body thudding in dumpster] [birds chirping] [Mitre-Saw coughing] - [Hackley] So how exactly can you be an effective killer when you're all weak and cancery? - Staring death in the face has left me callous to laws and life itself. Combined with my superior intellect, I shall prove to be a menacing presence. - [Hackley] Look, I don't mean to be, you know, insensitive to your whole condition and everything, but I'm a little concerned about your ability to perform at this point. Can you even lift a chainsaw? - I think not in terms of such simple devices to inflict my damage. My instruments shall display a complexity to mirror my own inner-complexity. - [Hackley] So, a double chainsaw? That's our mark. Alright, we're almost up here. Here, take a look for yourself. Or not. Look, you just sit there, alright, and I'm gonna show you how a pro does it. A seasoned veteran in the house. [door beeping] [ominous music] [creepy breathing] [glass shattering] [woman screaming] [body thudding] [door beeping] Did you see that? I picked her up and then I bludgeoned her to death with here own egg beater. - It was flawed. She had not time to think. To grow. For redemption. - [Hackley] Yeah, of course not, man. We, we kill them. That's all we do. We're not therapists, okay? Are you even listening to me? - The world doesn't exist solely in shades of black and white, good and evil, as you see it. People live in varying shades of gray. - [Hackley] No, no, you don't understand. Look, we separate people into good guys and bad guys. Right? And then we kill the bad guys. - Go here. - [Hackley] Okay. Ah, well, we're done here so might as well. [upbeat rap music] Coming hot like spaghetti Sharp as a machete So you better get ready for us to rock steady Gotta mix it up and lay it down Gotta blast it real loud all over the town Gotta spread the word And of course spread the legs Beats Wise has arrived and he's brought the kegs - [Hackley] Where are we? - Look in that window. - [Hackley] Okay. Which one? Oh. Oh. What is that contraption you got him in? - It is a device of my own creation. That man, on the surface, is one of your good men. He's a teacher but in the remaining hours of his day, he escapes into a digital online world. Now, he must play a game to spare the rest of his life. - [Hackley] How did you even get him in that? That thing looks so heavy. - I didn't do it by myself. I had friends to help. - [Hackley] You can't do that. That's cheating. I wanna look away but I can't. Hey, hey, I think it's, ah, I think it's broken, man. It's not doing anything. - That device will rip him limb from limb, separate his sternum, and rip his ribcage apart. It will expose his whole insides for the world to see. - [Hackley] That's not even scary, that's just gross. - He was given an option. He can either accept his fate or he can choose. He may dip his hands in acid exposing a key. Both a literal key and a metaphorical key to his salvation. It has been surgically implanted into his hands and in order to save his life, he must sacrifice his hands and that other digital life that he leads. - [Hackley] [sighing] Okay, how long does he have? - Seven and a half hours. - [Hackley] Seven and a half hours? We've gotta sit her and wait seven and a half hours before he actually croaks? - But should he escape with his life, he will no longer take for granted that gift that he has been given. He will be reborn a more noble individual. - [Hackley] No, he will be reborn as a cripple, and that pretty much means he can't be an asshole because you can't call a cripple an asshole. I'm gonna have to go get him out of there or we're gonna get fired. Or something. [door beeping] [ominous music] [upbeat music] Man, that could have been bad, alright? I just saved both of our asses. - You have cheated him out of his lesson. - [Hackley] And you almost cheated me out of a paycheck, man. Come on. Although, it would be pretty fun to just up and kill him. - Maybe it was not he who was shackled. [upbeat music] - [Hackley] I know they're looking to fire me. I think they're just building up a case. Gathering information. That's why I got this little gem. With this, I'm gonna record all of the horrible workplace regulations, violations, and make it impossible for me to do an effective job. Or at the very least, I, you know, get a lot of Youtube hits from recording Plague. [ominous music] [creepy breathing] Oh, stupid. Stupid. [upbeat music] God. Hackley, you idiot. Goddamn [laughing] You wave. [laughing] - [El Matador] So, you waved at her? - [Hackley] It wasn't my best moment. [Rival laughing] - [El Matador] It looks like there's a few things that you and I need to discuss. - [Hackley] I still think that we need to have a conversation about those rules. I really think we need to scale 'em back, so that we can do our jobs and just let loose. - [El Matador] I may have just the thing for ya. Come by my office after this. So, how is our hombre Mitre-Saw doing? Are you learning the ropes okay? - The past three years, I've begun the process of unshackling those minds bound by their own sins and injustices. It is useless to teach them this lesson without pain and time. I've begun work on a man named Tobin. He has lived his life as a recluse. [dramatic electronic music] It was in Tobin's 14th year that he first disobeyed his father. This falling out set the tone of the relationship, and a pattern of disrespect was born. [dramatic electronic music] Now he sits confined by his own preconceptions. [head thudding against table] If he can break those ties in the next 14 hours, he will live and be better for it. - [El Matador] Okay, okay, Ah, is that all? So, everyone ready to get out there and get to work? Woo-hoo. Thank you. [atmospheric bass] - [Hackley] Ah, have I ever been in love? Yeah, of course. I'm a guy. I like girls. [atmospheric music] You know, I don't have the greatest dating life, but I do go out. I even tried the whole online dating thing. I don't know, no matter how good things seemed to go, work always seems to get in the way. It's hard to hold down a relationship when you're contractually obligated to kill all non-virgins. [creepy breathing] [ominous music] [ax hacking flesh] [blood spurting] Even if I find a girl who can't die, things still seem to go wrong. [atmospheric piano] [ominous music] [shears clicking] I'm cursed. [upbeat bass] - [Rancid] He left his computer unlocked. [upbeat music] Watch this. [electronic music ringtone] - [Hyde] Hey, Mom, what's up? No, it's not true, slow down. I haven't done that in years. Would you just calm down. Calm down, I'm gonna call you back. No, look, I'm gonna call you back. Okay, who the hell wrote an email to my mom saying that I was coming out of the closet? [Rancid laughing] - [Rancid] Oh, oh, shit man, hey, hey. This is a five dollar shirt, so just calm down. This is a five dollar shirt! [El Matador humming] [shotgun firing] - [El Matador] Hey, there, Hackley, how ya doing, big guy? - Ah, shit. - [El Matador] Hey, when you have a moment, could you come up to my office. I've got some, ah, some changes I'd like [Rancid groaning] to discuss with you. [Rancid groaning] - Changes? - Oh, yeah. See ya in a moment? [Rancid groaning] Keep up the good work. [upbeat music] Have a seat. - [Hackley] Um, what's up with this chair, dude? - I changed it. - Right. Anyway, hey boss, I'm actually glad you called me in here. So, I got this bullet list 'cause I've been trying to be more organized like we talked about. - [El Matador] Hold on a second. - Right. - Upper management is very disappointed with your recent snafus. - [Hackley] Those aren't my fault, man. We talked about that. - I'm not, I'm not here to point fingers, but they were your fault. - [Hackley] [sighing] So what, are you, ah, are you handing me my pink slip? - [El Matador] No, no, no, no, no, they're very aware about how important Hackley is to this organization. - [Hackley] That's right. 15 company records, don't forget that part. Even though I don't have all those trophies. - Sure, sure. - So, if, if, if, if you're not firing me, what am I doing here? - [El Matador] I put in a request and it's been improved, to bring in a consultant. - A what? - [El Matador] A consultant. Let me introduce you. - Great. - [El Matador] Adrian, send him in. Hackley, this is Michael Harbor. A reboot consultant. - [Hackley] Reboot? - [El Matador] Companies that have a stale product line, bring him in to update their products. To reboot it. - Hey, great to be here. Big fan. Listen, I know what you guys are thinking, people are always leery when somebody wants to come in and reboot an established commodity, believe me, I understand those concerns, but I wanna take those concerns and blow them up. Poof! We did amazing things for that retarded kid down in Texas. - [Hackley] Yeah, what about Fred and Jason? From what I understand, they basically lost all of their merchandising rights after you got done with 'em. - [El Matador] So how do we do it? Do we have to-- - No, no, no, we don't have to kill off Hackley. We totally wanna keep the iconic parts about him like the mask and ax and stuff. The parts we can market. We just need to change everything else and act like it's the same Hackley. [chuckling] - [El Matador] So, how do we do that? - Come on in, big guy. - [Hackley] What the hell is this? - Meet LeMarc. Hackley 2.0. Same iconic mask and ax. And then we change it up. Take away the apron. Cut the shirt in half, show off the abs. Hackley was always a bit squishy. No offense. We tighten that up. Show off the guns while the kids will be intimidated. And then we take his backstory. Whatever that was, I mean, nobody really cared about it anyway. We blow it up, poof! Make it today. LeMarc was a model gone crazy. He started killing kids who dressed poorly. It all ties together. - [El Matador] Clever. [laughing] - Now that LeMarc's a model, you don't need to hide his face. Show 'em. [upbeat electronic music] Scary by day, by night, you wanna go dancing with him. Girls won't know whether to pee their pants or take 'em off. [ominous music] [creepy breathing] [body banging in dumpster] [birds chirping] [ominous music] - [Rancid] Hey. - [Hackley] [chuckling] Oh, that's hilarious. You got turned into a doll again. - [Rancid] Puppet, be a a little PC You know, even though it kinda sucks. My scrawny legs. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get to work when you're a puppet? And I have to take the bus. Everybody looks at me. Kids, kids pet me. But I do get the junior fares, so, I mean, that's okay to save like a little bit of money. Still, not by this look. What are you, what are you working so hard on over there? - [Hackley] Well, I'm, ah, I'm trying to crack this chick that I've been casing but she's clean. I mean, I can't find a damn thing on her. [upbeat music] [Hackley sighing] - [Rancid] Somebody needs a margarita break. - [Hackley] Nah, I can't, man. I gotta do my community service at the high school. - [Rancid] Community outreach, yeah. They, they won't, they won't let me do that anymore. [ruler whacking against head] - Listen up. That attitude's gonna be the end of you. [woman screaming] Goddammit. Wrong kid. We're in here. - [Hackley] Are you aware that your cheerleaders are dressed like sluts? - Not my problem. Hackley, this is AJ. - Hackley? - Hey, how ya doin'? - Anyway, he's been having some behavioral issues. See if you can work some of your magic there. - [Hackley] Yeah, I'll do that. Didn't I kill you already? - This like Scared Straight? - [Hackley] Yeah, something like that. They call me in and I talk to good kids, maybe made a couple mistakes, done a bad thing or two, and maybe I get to you before you get on my list of bad kids. At which point I have to cut your head off. But I'm sure that won't be you. Anyway, ah, what can I do for you? - I'm having trouble at school. It's crazy and hectic. - Yeah. - I just had to blow off some steam. - I heard you, man. I can feel you on that one. My life's hectic as hell. Especially work. Man, I just feel so unfulfilled. It's like I'm being held down under the man. Under this corporate bureaucracy. Do you know the freedom, the beauty, when you pick up your ax and you make that perfect swing and, you know, it connects just right, slices right through and the head goes flying, making that [lips popping] sound? Yeah, you, I, yeah, probably not. Anyway, I had like four of those at my last job, man, and I didn't even feel a thing. And then there's this girl who, I think maybe she might be the one. Maybe she can help me fill this void inside of me. - You can't base your happiness off someone else. They won't be here for you when you need 'em. - [Hackley] Yeah, and anyway, yeah, she's, ah, she's really cool. I might have to kill her, but if I don't then maybe she and I can get together and I don't know, meet for sushi or coffee or, I don't know. Whatever you kids are doing these days. But anyway, yeah, this is not about me, AJ. I'm sorry, this about you. So help me help you. What's going on upstairs? - I got detention for having sex in school. [ominous music] - [Hackley] Did you say sex? [AJ breathing heavily] [creepy breathing] [atmospheric guitar] - [Rancid] No. No. [water spraying] No. [Asparagus gasping] No. [atmospheric guitar] - [Hackley] Like I was telling you earlier, we got our rules. Company policies. And they suck. We spend a lot of time putting people, good guys and bad guys, and we kill these guys over here. - Yes, an archaic system built upon a system of-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, look. Nobody wants to hear you drone on and on anymore, man, but with that said, I do like where you're going with that 50 Shades of Grey stuff. You know what I mean? - No, that's not what I'm-- - That's 50 Shades of Grey, the porn. You know what I mean. What are you writing? - Your lesson shall be about your hypocrisy about me droning on. - [Hackley] Anyway, look, just once, I wanna be able to walk into any one of these houses, just lop off the first chick's head that I see, and not even think once about whatever darkness lurks in her heart, all of that So I was thinking maybe you and I can get together, make a proof of concept about this all of this gray area stuff. - You have to be reborn with new eyes. - [Hackley] I have died and been reborn three times this week. - You need a lesson. Find your own truth. Re-emerge after sacrifice with new vision. Those are the rules. - [Hackley] Your rule book is the worst. It's like a mix of Alice in Wonderland and some kind of Taiwanese mechanical manual. Who gives you the right to just go around dismembering people in the name of therapy? - Because I know the guy from Princess Bride. [ominous music] Like we're good friends. [dramatic music] [body thudding in dumpster] - [Hackley] No, but it could have been the cancer that killed him. [upbeat rap music] Hey, do you remember when you chained your submissive to an apparatus and then spanked him to death? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I bet you didn't apply rule 17 then, did you? You're just being a hard ass with me. And took a big swig - [Hackley] [sighing] Okay, okay. She didn't mean beer, she meant me on the floor Rounding first base with my hand up her shirt When I seen a big ole dude seeking people to hurt His scary ass look He got down past His mask alone - [Hackley] Are you fucking serious? Get, get out of my way, get out. Give me this now. This is not funny. Look, stop laughing. It's not mine, it was the 80's. It was the, look. No one kills a party Like that big ole badass Hackley - Oh. - Oh. - [Hackley] That was not cool man. You know they made me do that. [Rival laughing] That's right, get out, disperse. - [Rival] So wack. He looked left and right for somebody to kill Had my chances to score But it went downhill I was doing alright So lie back while I throw some rhymes For a story we done heard about 47 times What's wrong with this dude Big as a truck, got a mask and ax and don't give a He's a bad ass mother He walks real slow - [Rancid] Hey. And has a great 'fro - [Rancid] Hey, buddy, hey, can we rap for a second? [laughing] I'm sorry. What, I had to give you shit about it, you know? Um, religious girls, off limits? - [Hackley] It kinda depends on the brand of the religion. I mean, I remember the day when if you just wanted to kill somebody, I mean, you didn't even need a reason. If they, they could have tripped and fallen and you could have cut their head off before they hit the ground. It was, it was a different, a different time. - [Rancid] Okay, but how 'bout this, right? What if like, what if she's a good kind of religion, but like I come around and I [whistling]. Have sex with her, hmm? [upbeat rap music] - [El Matador] Status meeting. I'm a really tough guy but I cried as I hid - [El Matador] Don't be late. [upbeat music] Oh, can, say can you see [humming] Hey, hey, hey, okay, so, um, how did, how did our little intern do? - [Hackley] Ah, yeah, yeah, I just got off the phone with HR, and I'm gonna be honest with ya, I don't think he's gonna work yet. - Kidding? - Yeah, he's not even scary. He doesn't even try to be scary. He's just depressing and gross. - [El Matador] Yes, Asparagus, you have something? - Yeah, I was gonna share my status. - [El Matador] Oh, sure big guy. Hey, so what's been going on this month? - So, ah, there's this pretty girl who works at a place with a bunch of animals. And, um, I started, ah, watching her. - Yeah? - And, ah, last night, um, I took a knife, I broke into the store, and I, I, I ate all the hamsters. All of them. And they were scurrying, you know, and I jammed 'em, I put 'em [mimicking choking]. And they got stuck. The teddy bear ones get stuck in your throat. One kind of crawled back out. Ah, [mimicking chocking], then this morning I, I pooped 'em out but one was missing. I think it's my soul. - [El Matador] So, that brings us to you, Rival. Um, I never thought I'd say this, but I am very disappointed in you. You didn't kill the black guy first. - What? - I'm talking with Rival right now. I don't wanna hear that any of you let the black guy live any longer than necessary, okay? - I ate the black hamster first. - [El Matador] Okay, now we're on to Employee of the Month. - [Hackley] No, no, no, no, no, no, hold on here now. Look, of all of the backwards and stupid rules. I cannot believe that you're going to promote this one. - [El Matador] It's been around for years. What's it to you? - [Hackley] I'm black, you idiot. - [El Matador] Really? - [Hackley] I have put up with far too much of this already and I refuse to take anymore of it. This whole thing is pure, concentrated stupidity. - [El Matador] Yeah. [clearing throat] Okay, without further ado, Employee of the Month goes to Asparagus. - Oh, oh! - For his, ah, his hamster genocide. - [laughing] I did it, I did. [crying] Thank you, thank you for believing in me when other people didn't believe. - Okay, okay. [Asparagus gasping] - Oh, and I got, I regurgitated one for you 'cause I know you, thank you. Thank you! - [El Matador] Oh, shit. Oh, do something with that. - Who wants to go to Bennigan's? [dramatic music] [box thudding in dumpster] [birds chirping] - [Hackley] It's been a good four months since I've come across a person that has even a modicum of common sense. And maybe it's just me. Maybe it's me. Maybe everyone else is with it, and I'm the one who's cracking up. But it feels like I've lost a grasp on anything and everything that held any interest for me. Oh, shit, it's her. Maybe she's it. I haven't been able to get her out of my mind. She's going to a comic book store. I don't know how anyone could ever think a pretty, smart girl like that could ever be a potential victim of ours. Maybe the feelings I've had for her, the inability to get her out of my mind is not a desire to kill but love. What's she doing? What is that? Ah, here she comes. Holy shit. She's got hentai manga porn. Oh, perv! She's a perv, I get to kill her. [atmospheric guitar] - Hello? Jesus? Jes? Oh, my god, there's two of me! The machine stole my soul! [body thudding on flour] - I did it. - Did what? - [Hackley] I figured her out, man. I figured out the girl. She's a perv and I'm talking big perv. Like freakie deakie, you know what I'm saying? She's ripe for the kill. - [El Matador] Well, what'd she do? - [Hackley] [chuckling] Well, have a look for yourself. - Hmm. - Mm-hmm. - Oh. - Yep. - [El Matador] I'm gonna need to keep this. You know, for company, ah, company reference. - Mm-hmm. Yeah, company reference, right, okay. - [El Matador] Oh, Hackley, this is a landmark kill for our company. Ah, I'll write you the press release. - [Hackley] I agree, and that's why I'm gonna do one of my special, trademark kills. Get this, I'm gonna wait until she gets out of the shower, right, and then-- - Whoa. You don't get to make the kill. - Why not? - This kill is very important to our organization and upper management - Oh, come on. - [El Matador] is disappointed with all your recent results. - [Hackley] Look, I've done all of the leg work. Why did you have me out there, sitting outside, casing the joint for hours? I spent so much time on this. I put my heart and soul into it. - I'm sorry. - Oh, god. So who, who are you gonna send? No, you. You are a jerk. A rude, rude, jerk. - [Rival] Not my fault you ain't cutting it around here anymore. - [Hackley] Now what kind of a sad, sorry, pathetic little man has to run to his boss to lobby to take someone's kill? - [Rival] I just did that to piss you off. - What? - What? I couldn't even care less. - Hey, leftovers in the break room. [upbeat music] - [Hackley] I'm just telling you, man, you better watch your back 'cause you so much as slip, and I'll be there. - [Rival] Not with this company you won't. - [Hackley] Now what's that suppose to mean? - [Rival] Man, you are on program. You have not hit your quota. I heard El Canadian the other day say that if you don't hit your quota this week, you're outta here. That's exactly it, that's. Show me a little, a little more sad though. Like, like cry for the camera. Like really, really-- - Is that mine? - And you know, so. Yeah, this is totally yours, I snagged it while you were stuffing your face in the break room. - Give me that. - [Rival] No, man this is gold. This is exactly what I was, exactly. No, hey. [Grizzle yodeling] - [Hackley] Hey, give me, no, no. Give me my blog. - Grizzle, Grizzle. - Give me my blog. - Back, right back. Right back. Right back, over here. [Grizzle yodeling] Come on, hey, what, what are you doing? - Really? [Grizzle yodeling] Goddamn horse. - [Rival] You know what? I want you to have that. Think about it tomorrow when I'm taking your girl. I'm done, I got stuff to do. Some of us around here are closers, you know? [ominous music] - Rough day? - Yeah, man. Rival, he's being a douche. - [Rancid] Gah. No, I'm sick of this. - He hurt my feelings, man. - No, this little pity party stuff, man? - [Hackley] No, he, he, took, he says he's gonna take Danielle. The girl I worked so hard to kill. She's mine. - So, so he said he's going to kill her tomorrow night, right? - Yeah, I guess. - And you need one more to kill to keep your job, right? - Mm. - Yeah, so you kill her tonight. - I can't man. - Ah. - Boss gave it to Rival. - [mimicking fart] I thought that you was the legendary Hackley, who holds the company record of 174 kills since 1980? - [Hackley] Well, it's a 196, but some of 'em were Mom's. - Okay, and, and, what happened when that, when that telekinetic tried to do battle with you, huh? - [Hackley] I pulled out her eye. It turns out that that's the source of her telekinetic power. - Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And when, and when, and when they shot you into orbit, what happens at the entire fucking space station, huh, guy? - [Hackley] On that one, I, I rerouted the power from life support into the engine. - Alright. Now that doesn't sound like someone who would let some sorry little suck ass do his last kill, does it? - I overloaded the dilithium chamber, no, you're right. - No! Now honestly, between you and me, guy, let me, you've been a real fucking pussy, okay? - Hey. - But you have. And you know why? Do you know why? Because you haven't had your signature kill in a long time. Now you get your ass out there. And you show this whole fucking company what a real badass can do, huh? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's right. Alright. - Yeah, you're right. - [Rancid] I know, okay. - Hit me again. - Yes. - Boom, yeah. - Alright. - Thanks man, I appreciate it. - Okay. - Exactly. - That's right. - Only, hmm, check this out. - Okay. - Yeah. - Is this the video? - That's the one. - Is it cued up? - Mm-hmm, it's good to go. - Alright, man awesome. Hey, yeah! - Don't do anything - Alright, now. - I wouldn't do. [shower curtain clacking] [water spraying] [ominous music] [creepy breathing] [creepy breathing] [dramatic music] [Danielle screaming] [body thudding on floor] Hey? hey? [Rancid grunting] [bluegrass music ringtone] - Hello? - Hey, it's me. You busy? - No, no, I, I can, I can talk. So, ah, so how did it go with the, the sheriff's daughter - Not good. - Oh, no. Don't, don't tell me she had a gun. You got shot again, didn't you? - No, she died. - Ah, well that's, that's kind of the point, and breaking into a house and, ah, and hitting her in the head with an ax. Now isn't it? - [Hackley] I didn't even do anything and she died. - Come again? - She got in the shower, I snuck in, caught a little side boob action, you know what I'm saying? - Oh, nice. - [Hackley] Anyway, I did my thing, snuck up behind her, I had the ax up and ready, she screams and then she just falls over. And she'd dead. I literally scared her to death. [water spraying] - Wow. - I know. - [Rancid] So what, was it like a heart attack or something? - [Hackley] How exactly am I supposed to diagnose that? I need some ideas on how to fix this. [dryer door clanking] What are you doing? - Okay, so, [dryer whirring] so I'm putting the wife's head in the dryer so that the husband will find it, right? But it's not thumping. It's too squishy. He's never going to hear it. - [Hackley] You didn't wash it first, did you? - [Rancid] It was too bloody. There was no way he was going to recognize it. What about one of these dryer sheets? - [Hackley] Ah, no, that won't help. - [Rancid] Well what should I do? - [Hackley] Can we concentrate on my real problem? I have no clue what to do. I have to get this kill or it's my ass for sure. - [Rancid] Hey, well maybe, you know it's, it's kind of cool. It's like, you know you, you scared her to death. Like that would look really good on a resume. - [Hackley] See, I thought of that, but how do I substantiate anything? I mean, I have to say that I scared her to death, and then it would come out she was like a diabetic and didn't take her insulin. And how would that look really? - [Rancid] You can just still hit her in the head with the ax, you know? - [Hackley] Oh, come on, you know it doesn't work like that. Everybody would find out. Can you imagine the newspaper headline? Hackley too scared to kill living people. Pussy. - [Rancid] Okay, how 'bout this? Why don't you then, um, I don't know, let's like, let's prop her against the wall and then you take a swing, you know? - [Hackley] Yeah, okay, alright, okay. Good idea, hold on, I'm gonna put the phone down. [upbeat piano music] [Hackley grunting] [Hackley grunting] I feel silly. - [Rancid] Oh really, well I'm the one feeding a disembodied head cookies so that it'll thump better. - [Hackley] This just pisses me off. One kill shy of quota. I'm gonna lose my job because of one stupid kill. Someone as hot as her, there's no way I would not get employee of the month for a proper kill. - Really, that hot, huh? [dryer door clanking] - [Hackley] You remember that waitress you did a few weeks ago? - Oh, best tits ever. [dryer whirring] [laughing] Those were some headlines. The things I did to her. [laughing] - [Hackley] Yeah, imagine her but better. - [Rancid] Don't tease me with her titties. - [Hackley] If you can come help me figure this out, you can see for yourself. - [Rancid] Sure, I'll be there in five. [ominous music] Hackley? [creepy breathing] [dramatic music] - [Hackley] Asshole. [ax hacking flesh] [blood spurting] [ominous music] [footsteps thudding] Hey, boss. - Hey, there, Hackley. [footsteps thudding] That's good. Hackley, this is Black Death from human resources. He's here to document everything that I'm about to say to ya. I'm afraid that due to your recent performance issues, we're gonna have to let ya go. - [Hackley] No, no. No, look, I made quota, and I killed Danielle, right? And then Rancid and that counts for double, so that's three. - [El Matador] The Rancid kill doesn't count. - [Hackley] What are you talking about? It's, it's in the manual. It clearly states if you kill any other major killer, it counts double. - [El Matador] Unless the other killer is from RKS or any of the subsidiaries. It's a new change to the Clash of the Titans rule. I told you there was some important stuff in here that I needed you to look at. And the Danielle kill? That doesn't count either. She doesn't have a scratch on her. The autopsy hasn't come back yet, but our company's not getting credit for the kill. It's a real shame, Hackley. - [Hackley] A real shame? [chuckling] A real shame? You're a real shame. - What? - I'm sick of you. - [El Matador] Why? What? That's not very nice of you to say. Hey, Hackley, I need your attention here. Hey, Hackley. This needs to be done right. The policy's very strict about it. I need to keep this legal. Look at me. - [Hackley] Why don't you make a policy that lets me kill this ass clown? - [Rival] I called the media. They can't wait to see the great Hackley get fired. [chuckling] - [Hackley] Yeah, you know what? Fuck you. - [El Matador] Hackley, this is very inappropriate. Hackley-- - Fuck you, too. - Well, hey now. [upbeat rap music] I'll be heading out now if you please. Then I thought, damn - [Hackley] You don't scare me. So up to the house - Hackley? - You watch yourself. I'm through with you, and I'm through with this whole place. - [El Matador] Wait a minute, Hackley. We're not done here. Hackley? He, he didn't let me finish. He didn't let me finish. Write that down. Please. Thank you. And all the dead sluts Even saw a mean girl - [El Matador] Have you had lunch? [dramatic piano] - [Hackley] Revenge. It's played so heavily into my origin. Before, revenge was just an ax to the face for some bitch who killed my sister. This is different. This is turning their world upside down This is humiliation. This is Sparta. Oh, god. I can't believe I said that. But I as I drove around, the weight of what just happened turned. I could do whatever, and I wanted to ax up a whole shit ton of people at RKS. I lost my resurrection rights when I got canned. So I needed to overcome that. And I thought of no better way to do that, then with their rules. [ominous music] Hey. It's me. I got a job for ya. You know any good T-shirt shops? [dramatic music] [creepy breathing] [creepy breathing] - Is it true that you got fired today? - They're in the basement. Come on. [group cheering] [footsteps tapping] [dramatic music] [sticks thudding on body] [ominous music] - [Hyde] Ah, no, no, not that rule. [bat thudding against body] [Hyde groaning] [woman grunting] [bones cracking] [dramatic music] [hammer clanking on floor] [upbeat music] [ominous music] [shears clicking] - [Plague] Oh, yeah, yeah, I found my thing. I found my thing, uh-huh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. [clippers hacking into flesh] [Plague groaning] [body thudding on floor] - Ah, man. - [Man] They're naked when the resurrect. - Oh, really? - Yeah. [Grizzle yodeling] [upbeat music] [tires screeching] [body thudding] [Grizzle yodeling] [dramatic music] [Rancid choking] [ominous music] - [Reporter] Anything to do with this? - [Hackley] I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go into this place, and I'm hack the [beeping] out of these mother [beeping]. And when I come back out, you and I are gonna go get tacos. Okay. [ominous music] [creepy breathing] [creepy breathing] [creepy breathing] [creepy breathing] [skull cracking] [Rival groaning] [blood spurting] [creepy breathing] [ominous music] [El Matador gasping] - [El Matador] [gasping] Hey, no, look, stop. You are not allowed to run. - [Hackley] Hmm, I don't work for you anymore. [El Matador gasping] [ominous music] [creepy breathing] [El Matador whimpering] [creepy breathing] [dramatic music] - [El Matador] Don't do it you hose beast. [yelping] [blood spurting] - [Woman] So, what can WD Venture Capitalists do for you? - [Hackley] Well, I'm actually looking to get out of the serial killing business. - That's a shame. - [Hackley] I've actually got an idea that I think will create steady revenue within six months. I call it Other People's Pizza. Oh, Other People's Pizza. Let's say that you're a pepperoni person. Your wife's a vegetarian. You could like go halfsies, but she might get some pepperoni on her side, or even worse, you might get some spinach on your side Nobody, nobody but a vegetarian would do that. What we do, is we bring you out a box with four mini pizzas. One could be pepperoni, one could be, you know, the vegetarian, one could be, ah, barbecue chicken. - Do you have any profit projections? - Ah, yeah, I do. It's right here. - Mm-hmm. - Oh. - Mm. - [Warren] This is impressive. - Yeah, but it's missing something. - Mm. - It's not capitalizing on our greatest asset. You. - [Hackley] Missing something. I'm afraid I'm not, ah-- - You. You're you. - [Hackley] Ah, yeah, I'm not. - I'm with Warren. I think we need to go a different direction. Hackley's Pizza. - Oh, yeah. - Blood Pizza. - Oh, Killer Pizza. - Nailed it. - [Hackley] No, no, no, no, I'm trying to get out of the whole killer thing. - What if we put a little plastic ax in the kid's meals? A real ax? - Of course. And a promo, every 10th customer gets killed. - Yes, yes, and yes. [dramatic music] [body thudding in dumpster] [birds chirping] [upbeat rap music] Now sit right back And I'll throw some rhymes For a story we done heard about 47 times You heard of this dude Big as a truck Got a mask and ax and don't give a He's a badass mother That walks real slow Keeps his head on a swivel And has a great 'fro Don't quite know what he's looking for exactly That don't matter when you run into Hackley It was a Friday night And I was looking alright Got to meet up with my girlie for a hell of a night We pulled up to the house I walked in Shouted to the crowd, let the party begin This party was dope with more than 15 kegs My eyes caught 50 ladies and 150 legs Having a good time like you know the dude does But a scary old noise went and killed my buzz Had a thought, I know I shouldn't employ But I went and checked it out Like a ghetto Hardy boy I didn't see nothing The coast was clear Plus my girlie bended over And I saw her rear I thought nothing of it And rejoined the shindig Grabbed us two more beers And took a big swig My chick looked at me Like she wanted some more But she didn't mean beer She wanted me on the floor Rounded first base with my hand up her shirt When I seen a big ole dude seeking people to hurt His scary ass look, he got down pat His mask alone made all the beer go flat He's a pretty bad party guest That doesn't ever speak Why's he even here I thought they killed that fool last week I was shaking in my boots And my voice was getting crackly No one kills a party like the big ole badass Hackley He looked left and right For somebody to kill And my chances to score quickly went downhill I was feeling alright Though it's safe in the back But he locked his eyes on me At the rear of the pack He stomped his way to the middle of the crowd Right by dudes looking scared And girlies yelling loud A determined dude walked right past the jocks Past the nerds, the druggies, and a girl in sexy socks I was confused, I had a thousand why's Then the facts hit me, the black guy always dies So I dropped my girlie And ran for the shed Ran a 4:2 40 yelling chivalry is dead Out in the yard I caught Hackley with my eye I yelled to the fool, no autographs, goodbye Turned my head and burned out like The Flash That lug couldn't catch me With my Carl Lewis dash But sure enough, I was wrong Turned my head around and ran into King Kong I shook my head, you gots to be kidding Raised up his ax for a damn good beatin' But you know Sugar Duke is smarter indeed I pointed and screamed, that chick's doing weed He turned his head, looking to kill Gotta go, Hack, you're acting ill Peace The same song A real tough guy But I cried as I hid, I ain't gonna lie He gave up on me as he looked for more prey This chick shouted, help us I said no way I'll be heading out now if you please Then I thought, damn, Where are my keys So up to the house for one more thrill And not get my kicks in some random blood spill I snuck back in to discover quite a sight Hack was over there killing my boy Dwight Ah, man Hacking and slashing And bashing the fool Damn, the gun, I have to clean that pool Saw the dead stoners and all the dead sluts Even saw a mean girl with a thousand cuts He slaughtered everybody with lots of flair I tripped over body parts everywhere I seein', oh that's gonna leave a scar Where the hell my keys Oh, there they are Huh-hah Thanks for the invite I had a fabulous time If Hackley comes again I'll regretfully decline But then cheers and rumble of joy And from the woods comes a virgin girl and boy They yelled, we killed him He ain't alive I said, he'll be back in Hackley Part Five [ominous music] [heart beating] |
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