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Bachelor in Paradise (1961)
When she sighs and her baby-blue
eyes embrace your face Lies, all lies What the lady wants Is your closet space. Bachelor in Paradise, be careful Bachelor in Paradise, beware. Lights down low Frankie's records And cocktails on the floor You should know It's the garden of Eden seen once more. Adam, come on, be smart Just take your fig leaf and depart And leave one bachelor less in Paradise. These days, as you may have noticed, many a motion picture opens, with a scene which rightly belongs somewhere in the middle of the story. But this time we have a novel. This picture opens where the story begins. Somewhere in the south of France. Pardonnez-moi, madame. Chapter seven: The French women. The mature French woman has elevated the physical act of kissing to artistic level unattained by any other society. Kissing an experienced French woman provides the average male with a sensation that compares favourably with... with a... Pardon? Pardonnez-moi, Mr. Niles. A transatlantic call for you, from your publisher? I'll take it up right there. Halo? Oh, Austin? I thought I never get you on the phone. I had you paged the all over France. Do you realise I've been up all night trying to get you? And all I could get from the operators is that you... you're out... or your line is engaged, whatever that is... It's noon over here, and I haven't even had any breakfast, yet. Dear lad, how are you? Oh, hard at work. I'm up to chapter seven, on How the French Live. How's it coming? Ah, fine. I'm two weeks ahead on the research and four months behind on a writing. I'm afraid you'll have to interrupt it, Adam. And fly back here on the next jet. What? Why? Because of the demands of the United States Government. Very large domestic organization. Oh yes. I used to get my mail from them. Is anything wrong? Wrong! You are in deep and serious difficulties, Adam. If to be euphemistic about it. I'll see you in Washington tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow? But I'm in the middle of the book. I just can't... You are in the middle of a tornado, Adam. And it's lively destroy you completely. Now climb on that next jet out of Paris, and don't speak to a soul. Mind you, no publicity. Yes, but Austin, it's not that... In fact, if anybody ask you, deny that you are A. J. Niles. Use an alias. Your mother's maiden name. Or was Niles Your mother's maiden name? Your innuendo is offensive! What innuendo? Uncle Sam has been calling you on for days! AEROPORT DE PARIS TREASURY DEPARTMEN BUREAU OF ENGRAVING AND PRINTING 629,470 dollars? That's according to our present calculations. It may be more. But it can't be more. I didn't earn that much. Even a government can't take over a hundred percent. Dear lad, they subpoenaed me, I had to give them the figures. Mr. Niles, you've been out of the country for fourteen years, you wrote dozen books which rose to total off 1 million, 214 thousands, 704 dollars, 63 cents. But what about my expenses? - We have no record of any expenses. I sent them all to my business manager, every month! I've explained all that to this gentleman, Adam. But matter of fact you are responsible for the actions of your business manager, Mr. Niles. Well doesn't anyone have any idea where he run of to? Vanish like a puff of smoke. I just can't believe that Herman Wappinger is dishonest. That man wears piping in his vest. In all the years, Mr. Niles, Mr. Wappinger has been handling your affairs, he never once had filed an income tax return for you. And we are most sympathetic Mr. Niles, but this is a clear case of fraud. All my life's earning is down the drain just because I was stupid enough to get Herman Wappinger my power of attorney. I'm not only a criminal, I'm also a popper. You haven't a dime, Adam. The department has attached everything, all your royalties as they come in. We had to, Mr. Niles. That's the law. Yeah, I know that law, it's called instant poverty. You might as well put me in jail, at least I'll be able to eat. That won't be necessary, under the circumstances. Mr. Palfrey has offered to put up a surety bond. Oh thanks, Austin. Then I'm free to leave? You're free to leave this office, but not this country. Thanks. Million... 214 thousands, 704 dollars and... 63 cents. Shoo! I'm an american citizen. They can't force me to stay in this country. Yes, they can, dear boy. Until you pay back those $624,000, or until Herman Wappinger's conscience forces him to materialize. Right now Herman is probably on a yacht with four beautiful gals. Livin' it up! I hope he's taking notes. In the meantime, what do I do? - You could go to work. I could go back to Cleveland, get my old job at a sports desk, $62.50 a week and free passes for the dog show. No. I have an idea for you. Your next book. What next book? I ain't finished researching my last one. Then you can start researching your next one immediately. "How the Americans Live." You're joking. - I'm not joking at all, old boy. A Niles-eye view of America might be absolutely sensational. It could be the biggest seller you had yet. And if it's anything like your others, half of the people of America will buy it, just to see what they've missed. Plus the other half will buy it to see what you've missed. You've got to do it, Adam! But how? How am I going to live? I'll subsidise you. Your rent, and 75 dollars a week. 75 dollars? Look, don't go over budget just to save a human life. 85, and not a penny more. You can eat oatmeal instead of caviar. Yeah, but it tastes terrible with champagne. I'll need a secretary. - One ugly secretary. One that can type, huh? One more thing... this is America. Not Europe. Our attitude towards our women is different. Sex hasn't gone out, has it? - No, of course not. I'd heard it'd been replaced by television. As long as you're here, no experiments with women. How am I gonna research without experiments? Strictly by observation, dear boy. If you get involved, no more allowance. I'm in trouble enough. I guess I could hide up at a place like bucks county. No good. Not typical. Nowadays, the average American lives in a planned community... a housing development. You mean one of those tract things where they tear down the old slums and put up new slums? Oh, they're more appealing than that. Take, for example, Paradise Village. Paradise Village? - Yeah! Sounds revolting. It's a modern community in the San Fernando Valley. Who lives there... horses? I don't hear, dear boy. Fortunes have been made in such community as Paradise Village. I've even invested a little myself. And with the population growth in California, it forms a cross-section of the entire country. I've arranged for a house for you there. Under an alias, of course. And you expect me to live there? - Mm-hmm. Well, I... better get my distemper shots. TRACT OFFICE PARADISE VILLAGE You better wait for me. My name is Adams. Jack Adams. Oh yes, Mr. Adams. We've been expecting you. My cab driver didn't know how to get to Paradise. He's an atheist. - Ha, ha! Come right this way. Mr. Adams is here. How do you do, Mr. Adams? I'm Rosemary Howard. You are? Well, what a pleasant surprise. Oh? What were you expecting? Well, frankly, nothing. Your house is all ready for you. Won't you sit down? Palfrey said that you weren't sure how long you'd be here, so I drew up a simple lease, month-to-month, if that's all right? That'll be fine. - It's a standard form. Don't you want wait, until you see the house first? It'll be adequate. - You're sure? It's the only one, isn't it? Oh yes, we don't rent in Paradise as a rule, but we hope you'll love it so much that you want to buy here. If you're selling, I'll buy. We've arranged for a rental car to be delivered to the house tomorrow, but I can take you over there now if you like. - I'd love. Let me pay off the cab and get my bags. Ahh! Mr. Adams, has arrived! Welcome to Paradise, Adams! Mr. Adams, this is Mr. Jynson... developer and president of the tract. Well, you're a friend of Austin Palfrey's, huh? It's a pleasure to have you aboard. You will find this truly is Paradise. Schools, churches, country club, playground, pool, shopping centre. As we say, a family can live a full and happy life in Paradise and never leave the village. But they're allowed to, aren't they? Oh, of course, they're allowed to, you and your family... I don't have a family. No family? Mr. Adams is a bachelor? Well, don't worry. It's not catching. I know, but a bachelor in Paradise... you'll be the only one. That sounds like fun. I better pay my cab driver. I'd hate to put him in a higher bracket. HOW THE FINNS LIVE Rosemary. Ginny. Does your mother know you're reading this trash? I'm eighteen. Rosemary, may I see you a minute, please? Would you show Mr. Adams to my car, please? Crazy. A latin student, huh? I'm not sure this is a good thing, not sure at all. He's a bachelor, and it's a family community. I'm a bachelor, too. I've lived here for quite some time... You're a woman. That's different. Why? I understand it takes a member of each sex. You're a special case. You're steering away from men... and I do wish you'd get over that, Rosemary. We were discussing Mr. Adams. When it comes to personal matters, I suggest you concern yourself more with your own domestic problems. I did not appreciate that remark. Well, I'm sorry, but if you weren't so suspicious of every Tom, Dick, and Harry, you and Dolores... - Never mind Dolores. Whose house did you get for Adams, huh? Mine. You rented him your house? - Mm-hmm. I moved in with old Mrs. Curtis. She needed someone to care for her, anyway. Why don't you think of yourself for a change? A girl like you could have... anything she wanted... if she just... If she be sweet and charming, or just obliging to a man? Just because you have one unhappy experience... Listen, one is all I needed. I'm strictly on my own, Tom, and I intend to stay that way. Now if you'll excuse me, Mr. Adams is waiting. You're much more attractive than my last cab driver, Miss Howard. Thank you, but it's Miss Howard. Miss? Don't they harvest the crops around here? Well, you're a bachelor. That's intentional... I mean, anytime... Oh, I know what you mean, but you may be even more amazed to learn that some women remain single intentionally. I as one confirmed bachelor to another, I think we'll hit it off. When I left, if a man wanted a house, he built one... that was that. You must have been away a long time. What's all that up there? That's Paradise Hills, a new development Mr. Jynson's started, but he had to stop work on it for a while. The minute I met him, I said to myself... Now here is a man with an arrested development. T. Jynson is a very intelligent businessman. What's holding up Paradise Hills? Well, it's a personal matter, but only temporary. You intend do your work in the valley or downtown? At home. Which reminds me, I'll need a secretary for some typing. Anybody in the neighbourhood? - Oh, I'm afraid not. I'll inquire around, but most women in Paradise have husbands and children. A lot of families get started that way. It would be pink. - That's not pink. That's california coral. Who thinks up all the names for colours in this country... Tennessee Williams? Just like that... no key? Oh, there is, but nobody has to lock a house in Paradise. Hey, it's very attractive. Even the termites seem to like it. That's pecky cypress, and it's quite the rage. It's very charming. What do you call this style... Early Disneyland? By sliding these open, you can bring the outdoors in. Bugs and all. This is your TV. And here's the bar. - Hmm. The last tenants must have been real drunks. There's not a drop left. There are two bedrooms, but only one is furnished. One is all a bachelor needs if he works it right. Sweet. Painter couldn't make up his mind, huh? What's this... a runway for the mice? If you're so disenchanted with the house Mr. Adams, I'll be happy to tear up the lease. Oh, no. Don't do that. It's not a bad little cracker box, at all. 100 Million Americans would love to live in this cracker box. That would make it crowded, wouldn't? There anything else I can show you? No, just let me stumble around for myself and enjoy the thrill of discovery. I suppose you have a kitchen, room closet... Oh, all the comforts. Even indoor plumbing. Good. I hate those long walks. Good afternoon, Mr. Adams. - Wait. My luggage? What was that? - The school bus. Sounds like one of the kids is driving. What do you say we break out of here tonight, and let me take you to dinner? Thank you, but I have a business appointment. Oh. What about tomorrow night? Lonely bachelors should stick together, don't you think? Definitely, and if I find one I think you'd like... I'll let you know, Mr. Adams. Good-bye. Bye. Hi. Who are you? I'm Mr. Adams. I'm moving in here. I'm Peter. I live down there. - Down where? I won't tell you. I'm not supposed to talk to strangers. Is he a stranger? - Sure. This is my sister... Mrs. MacIntyre. Mrs. MacIntyre? Well, ma'am, how do you do? How do I do what? It's just not my day for women. He sure is a stranger. Come on. Oh, for Pete's sake! Ohh! You scared me. Who are you? I'm Jack Adams. I don't know you come with the house? Are you friend of Rosemary? - Not yet. Then what are you doing in her house? This's Rosemary Howard's house? - Sure. Didn't you know? - No, but I wish I had. She's renting this place to me, but she didn't tell me that. Oh! Now that you mention it, she did say that. Hi. I'm Linda Delavane, your next-door neighbour. Hi! - I came in to grind my garbage. What's matter with your own garbage grinder? Oh, we don't have one. See, you get your choice of garbage disposer or dishwasher. So we choose a dishwasher, because the disposer was a little extra, and Larry didn't feel we ought to obligate ourselves too heavily. Larry? - My husband. Don't tell me you're married? Better be... I've got two children. Larry's a senior inertial control systems analyst... very important position. Yes, especially if you want your inertial control system analyzed. Yeah... - You're southern, aren't you? Savannah, Georgia! - Shoo! But I met Larry at school at Michigan, I was on scholarship. Basketball? Oh! Romance languages. I was going to teach, but we got married the day we graduated. Then Stevie came along, and then Dougie, and now I'm settled down here in Paradise Village as a hausfrau. You're a living soap opera. Don't you like it here? For the children it's marvellous, but there's so little cultural stimulation, and I'm sure the good Lord didn't intend for me to use my Phi Beta Kappa key to punch holes on top of a grated cheese can. What are you doing there? I'm trying to loosen this, so it'll start again. Rosemary showed me how to do it. She's terrible sweet person. When theirs gets stuck, she takes in garbage from the whole neighbourhood. Nice of her to find the location like this for me... right in the middle of things. How can I help you? Now, hold it firm and try to move it around. That's it! Sort of like stirring the fudge, isn't it? O.K. Hold it! You got it on high? - Wait! O.K. They get kind of vicious when they haven't been fed for a while, don't they? Yeah. Hello, men! - You broke my drum! ...you shouldn't leave it here lying, anyway. Let's turn this down! - Whew! David Douglas Delavane! Hey, who put your cage on? - Mommy did. He started eat a bottle of nail polish. He did? Are you little billy goat, you? Stevie, take his gloves off and let's get him mammy for dinner. Linda? I'm home! - I'm here, honey. Y... your birthday? - Hmm-mm. Our anniversary? - No. My birthday? - No, it's our new neighbour's idea, Mr. Adams. He rented Rosemary's house. - Yeah? He says a man likes to come home and see his wife in a pretty frock. All fresh, with her hair combed. - Know something? He's right. You'd like him. He's quite nice-looking, kind of cute, very mysterious. And speaks french. What's so mysterious about speaking french? You've got a husband and two sons to feed, baby. Let's eat! In a while, give me 10 minutes. - Ten minutes? I guess I just sort of lost track of time. Jack and I got to chatting. I was transported to all sorts of romantic places. Forgot all about dirty dishes and diapers. So that's the equation, is it? Mr. Adams equals mystery and romance. Mr. Delavane equals diapers and dishes. - Larry! Some stranger moves in, starts filling' my wife with a lot of talk about romantic places, and changing your clothes, and speaking french. I never did trust that language. Larry, don't be so sensitive. Are you jealous? - Me? Jealous? But there are some jealous husbands around here, and if your Mr. Adams starts transporting their wives, there's gonna be more trouble in Paradise than Eve started with that apple! Say, would you please send a cab to 22931 Katherina street? Right away. Thank you. BENNYS DRIVE IN Are you in a hurry, Miss Howard? Yes, I... have an appointment at eight o'clock, but I... Just bring me a hamburger and coffee to go, Thelma. - O.K. I can't tell you when I'll be free for the next call. I don't know how fast this nut eats. Roger! - Yeah. Well, guys and gals, if that didn't get you out of bed, you're dead. How the Americans Live, chapter one. The din dawns with the day. Throughout most of the civilized world, the new day is born in a silence so profound, one can imagine he hears the morning glory open its petals to greet the rising sun. Hour-conscious, minute-counting, time-saving America... is blasted from sleep by the explosive screams of the alarm clock radio, which may largely explain the frenetic pace that jangles the nation's nerves throughout the day. Timed to the split second, an entire community... prepares for the day in a seemingly well-regulated schedule that... first dispatches the adult males... into the aorta of the city's traffic system... those marvels of engineering called freeways... that have contributed so much to american progress. The next major movement of which the objective observer is aware... comes after an interval during which the adult females... have attended their basic household chores. They're emerge to run errands, walk dogs, stroll babies, borrow, lend, exchange, and discuss. And during the period from sunup till sundown, the typical american community is completely matriarchal, dominated entirely by females... a no man's land more foreboding than ancient Scythia, home of the Amazon. Hi, stranger. - Well, Mrs. McIntyre, why aren't you in school? I had to stay home today. My husband is sick. Oh, that's too bad. What's the matter? I think he's pregnant. Bye. Go this way, stranger. What you gonna buy, stranger? Lots of things. - Then you better get a wagon. Sissy, I thought I told you to wait in the car. I have to help the stranger. You're Mr. Adams, the new gentleman. I'm Bertha Pickering, Sissy's mother. I hope she isn't too much of a bother? Not at all. She can help if you don't object. Well, mind you behave now, Sissy. Pardon me. Aha! I was just about to call the auto club. I'll be in fresh vegetables. - Stranger, what will you buy? Well, let's start with coffee. Where's that? Down this way. Can I have one? Oh, sure. Be my guest. No. no. Not from the bottom. No... no. Can I have some for my husband? Yeah. But let me get it for you, honey. Floor man, accident on aisle 14. Big brother is watching you. He did it! Where do you get eggs? - From chickens! Eggs are this way. Yes, but you, you help the nice man put the cans together, huh? Here. That's for her husband. Are there any more small broilers? Sorry, ma'am. Not until the next delivery. Oh, dear. Allow me. - Thanks, just the same. But take it. I can't cook, anyway. Why'd you buy it? To practice on, but I can practice with eggs, if I ever find them. No, you take it, I'll find something else. I tell you what, we'll split it. - Split it? You can't split... - Quite simple! You take it home and cook it, and bring it over my place, and we'll share it. You're very generous, Mr. Adams. What's matter? Don't you think I'm worth half a chicken? Thank you. I haven't thought of you in terms of chickens. I haven't thought of you, period. Good day. Oh, wait... I... I want to apologize. For what? - For some of the things I said yesterday. Why didn't you tell me it was your house? I thought it would be less embarrassing. But I was wrong. I hope you'll forgive me. I'd hate to think I got off on the wrong foot. But don't you worry about, Mr. Adams. Ours is purely a business arrangement. You rented my house, not me. Are you sure you won't reconsider splitting this broiler with me tonight? Tomorrow night? Honestly Miss Howard, I am the safest man in California. I'm the most determined bachelor you'll ever meet. That's obvious, but it still doesn't make you any safer, you know. Come on! You don't think I'd ask a girl to come up to her own house to see her own etchings. Probably, if you thought you could get away with it. Pardon me. Oh, Miss Howard! Dear, you're just the one I need. Sign this petition to help safeguard the young people of Paradise Village, will you. What is this, Mrs. Brown? The village bookshop is selling dreadful books by A.J. Niles again. I want to make them take those nasty volumes... out of there before they corrupt our youth. And Mr. Jynson's already sign this. Have you ever read any of the book? Certainly not. Than how do you know that they're so nasty? Certain chapters in all of A.J. Niles books are nasty. Everyone knows that's what makes him so popular. But I can't see how the presence of a book can corrupt anyone. And besides, I feel that it's the parents' duty to censor their children's reading, not mine. I'm afraid I won't be able to sign your petition, Mrs. Brown. I'll sign that, Mrs. Brown. - Well, you're a good neighbour. - Yes. Mr. Adams, isn't it? - That's right. Don't think I don't admire your attitude, Miss Howard, but I feel a sense of obligation to the writer. Every attempt to suppress books just... helps push them up atop the bestseller list. So thanks you, Mrs. Brown. Behalf of A. J. Niles and the Bureau of Internal Revenue. Floor man, accident on aisle three. I see you found the eggs. I'm sorry! - My fault! That's all right. I hope you don't think I'm following you, but something's leaking. Leaking? - Yeah, from your car, all over the street. Oh yeah, here. This here. What is that? It looks like soap powder. In fact, it is soap powder. Well, that's all right. I have several boxes. Thank you. This is... Rosemary Howard's house. That's right. I'm leasing. Oh, I heard she rented it to a bachelor. Jack Adams. No wonder Tom was so upset when he heard you had moved in. Tom? - Tom Jynson. Oh yeah, the blow-hard who built this no man's land. I'm Mrs. Tom Jynson. Yeah, well... I'm sorry, I... you know - That's quite all right. Blow-hard's a good word for him. Here. Let me help. You get the others. I'll get the rest. Certainly neighbourly of you, Mrs. Jynson. Dolores. - Thank you, Dolores. Can I help you with something else? I mean, I love to do for a man, and Tom doesn't seem that need me that do for him this days. Oh! Is there something more I can do for you? In matter of fact, there is. - Oh, what? Show me how the washing machine works. Oh, that's nothing. I already put the laundry in. - You did? Well... you put the soap in this little trap door on top. Then you, um, you turn this dial. Is that all? - Mm-hmm. Simple. Why don't you go ahead and get things started, and I'll put the groceries away. O.K. I keep everything on the top shelf. Hey, don't put in too much soap. How much is too much? - Well, that's more than enough. Oh, gosh, yes. Now you close this, and you just, uh... well, you just turn this dial. I must have left some change in the pockets. The first cycle's the noisiest. Then it settles down to a roar. That's alright. Don't wear yourself out this way. You're too pretty for the kitchen. - Oh? Um, I'm not keeping you from anything urgent, am I? I was going to dust, but I can do that later. Am I holding you up? - As a matter of fact, you are. From my... cocktail hour. - Isn't it a little early? What else is there to do? - In alphabetical order? Um, there's something I might explain about Tom and me that... would put your mind very at ease, maybe. Can you make a really Dry Gibson? Five parts gin, and I think for a moment about the vermouth. See, we're... separated. We hardly ever see each other. Does that... put your mind very at ease? Just my conscience. My mind's having a ball. Well, we're... more than separated, really. We're about to be divorced. I... consider myself an unattached woman. Practically. If you know what I mean. - I'm terribly afraid I do. Whoop. Oh, excuse me. Here's a little hitchhiker. - Thank you. We have community property laws in this state, and he's finding out now that he can't treat me the way he treats me. Aren't you having one? - Little early for me. Early? It's April. Cheers. So, until he acts like a real husband should, I'm going to keep all that money tied up, and his P... excuse me, Paradise Hills can just sit there. You're the reason they stopped working on that? Me and my lawyers. He thinks he's so smart. Oh, he's made a fortune, but he's all business, that man. I found the loveliest house in Bel Air. I went into escrow, but would he sign it? Not Tom Jynson. He has to stay in Paradise where he can keep his finger on the pulse of things. That's a laugh. Is it? - Sure! He moves out to a swanky hotel and leaves me stuck in Paradise. Now, very really. Oh, thank you. But... a woman gets that lonely feeling. She wants somebody to admire her... and tell her how pretty she looks and things like that. Why don't you come over here where we can talk? You're coming in loud and clear. - Oh, come on! You're so sympathetic and understanding. You're a very easy woman to understand. Am i? - Uh-huh. May I ask you a... very personal question, Jack Adams? - Mm-hmm. Do you find me attractive as a woman? I think you're extremely attractive as a woman. Or anything. Tom doesn't find me attractive. He used to, but not anymore. That's the trouble with those real-estate men. Once they get you through escrow, they lose interest. I know that he find me attractive. Because he goes out with other women, one very other woman in particular... Rosemary. Rosemary Howard? They were together all the time. He used to leave me... night after night after night. It was always business, and it was always Rosemary. I'm, uh... a lonely woman, Jack. So very, very lonely. Yeah, I'm beginning to see what you mean. Have you ever thought of buying a parakeet? They say tropical fish are fun. I can't help it. I'm not made of stone, you know? Not unless they're doing some new things with it. I'm kind of lonely here myself. - You are? Aha! - I'm a marvellous cook! I'll make you a breakfast. I had breakfast. - Tomorrow's? It'll get cold. - Well, I'll come over and... heat it up. Oh, my gosh! I must have pushed the wrong dial! What'd you set it for, Niagara falls? We got to shut it off. - Aah! Ooh! Mommy, look. The house is throwing up. What's happening? - Wait here. Watch the kids. Yeah. C'mon. Oh, Jack, what's wrong? - The washing machine. Too much detergent. - Get back! When it switches to rinse, the whole town may go. Somebody should turn it off. - I'll phone for help. Oh, Jack. This is awful. First time I've seen a kitchen with a head on it. Oh God, it's getting higher. - Don't make any waves. Cant find... What's that? - Look for a lump with a tail on it. Aah! Linda! Linda! She'll be bubbled to death. Oh, Linda. Linda. Here! Take him. - Yes, I got him. I hope he doesn't shrink. He'll be a Chihuahua. Aah! Mad dog! - Mad house! Where's the fire? - No fire. What did you call us for? If I hollered "soap!" who'd come? Rosemary, when's the last time you stopped by your house? A week ago. Why? Did it look as if there was any dirty work going on? Dirty work? - You know. No, I don't know. But the house never looked cleaner. There is definitely something strange going on. Drive down Katherina street, and you'll see women... our ladies... wearing lipstick and dresses, during the day! And it's starting to spread throughout Paradise. Tom, exactly... what is Mrs. Brown telling you? All right... I'll tell you what she told me. She told me that your harmless Mr. Adams is entertaining women every afternoon in your house. Collectively or individually? But either way, I don't like it. It looks bad. Now I want you to find out what is going on there. Now just picture this scene for yourselves... your husband comes home, he walks in the house. He finds candles flickering and the dinner table set for two, soft, romantic music, a bottle of vintage wine chilled to exactly the right temperature, a faint, alluring scent of perfume. The setting is perfect. Then he discovers a woman he's never seen before... beautiful, seductive, exciting. What does you do? - I'll kill him! Ha, ha, ha! - No, no. The woman is you. Oh! I promise you it'll be an evening you'll always remember. You'll awaken passions you've never known before. I guarantee it'll work. But what about the children? Cooperate, just like the Europeans. Leland's too home tonight. Would you watch Janie for me? You take my three tomorrow. - O.K. Linda, I'll gladly take the boys tonight. That's the idea, girls. And tomorrow after noon, I want a report from all of you who try it tonight. Now, happy hunting and toujours l'amour. Hi, Rosemary. - Hi! You missed the most fascinating discussion. Yes, why haven't you joined our group? Well, I really haven't had time, Camille. I stopped by on business. See you. Bye-bye. - Bye. - It was wonderful, just wonderful. Well, won't you come in? - I'll only be a minute. What sort of a group have you formed, Mr. Adams? It's surely not A.A. One harmless Martini each just to loosen up. You care for one? - I tighten up with Martinis. I've stop by only to ask if you found a secretary yet? I thought you were gonna looking into that for me. Oh, come on, I heard you seem to be interviewing all the women in town, every afternoon. We're conducting a cultural exchange. Daily discussions of life, love, and the pursuit. Seem to have had a bracing effect on the community. There's a quite run on girdles lately. Oh, your friend Niles's books are all sold out. How do you know he's a friend of mine? Ten days ago, you signed that petition. Of course. Do you really know him? - Intimately. We worked on the same sports department, back in Cleveland. Is he as wicked as his books? Oh, it's a matter of opinion. I find him fascinating. I thought you'd like A.J. Niles. Splendid fellow. A bachelor, too, by the way. What's he look like? He's devilishly attractive. I don't think I've ever seen a picture of him. Most writers have their portraits on the backs of books. You know, smoking a pipe. He has be very careful about that. If his face became well-known, it'd be a handicap to his research. I'll tell you one thing. He'd be crazy about you. Oh? What makes you so sure? Your attitude. Your refreshingly realistic attitude. You don't have any of the natural female instinct to deprive a bachelor of his freedom. Mr. Adams... I just stopped by to tell you that I could get you a part-time secretary. - Really? You could have called that in. See how it works? Excuse me. Hello. Oh, hello. I'm not sure. Hold on. Are you busy tonight, Miss Howard? For dinner, I mean. - Yes. All right. Do you know nice place for we can have dinner for five dollars? My allowance is little late. Barbecue's fine. Where? The Pig Pit? If you say so. I'll pick you up around seven. O.K. You pick me up. Bye. I thought maybe the four of us can have dinner together. The four of us? - Yeah, me and my date, you and Tom Jynson. - Tom Juynson? He's a married man. Dolores Jynson's a married woman. But she's not your date? - Why not, they're practically divorced. I think the four of us together would be quite civilized. Could be... quite amusing. Thanks, Mr. Adams, but I'm not that desperate for amusement. Good-bye. The American woman, in her desperation... driven toward what she regards as equality with the American man, has somehow lost the art of romance. Now her love for the conveniences... the electric can opener, automatic TV... no wash... That could be stronger. Let me see... Memo...check the girls tomorrow to see how the experiment turned out. Camille, honey, I'm home! Well? Excuse me, madam. Must be in the wrong house. Leland Quinlaw! I did not lose the electric light money in the bridge game! Then turn them on. I don't want them on! I want candlelight and romance! I want the lights on! And what's with the violins? Who needs this? I want to see my kids, and I'm not going to eat dinner in the bedroom! Take off that ridiculous dress! This is no dance hall? Hey, baby. Come here! Larry! - I told you, I want to play on the couch! I want to play... - Larry, I've got to think. I'm not... You don't have to think for what I've got in mind, baby! Not to think, baby... You and your ideas, baby. You fracture me. Why don't we do this every night? You don't, um, miss the kids? What kids? Baby. - Hmm? Let's skip dinner. ..it's cold now anyway. - Yeah, but I'm not. Oh, c'est la vie! BARBECUE CHICKENS The ribs were delicious. You should have at least tasted them. Mm-hmm. Shrimp cocktail and five Gibsons... not a very well-balanced diet. I shouldn't have had the shrimp cocktail. Sure you won't have some coffee? I shouldn't have brought you here. Now, they don't have the most versatile wine cellar. Tom used to bring me here. Tom again. - That dirty rat! So you've been telling me for an hour. I'm convinced. He'd never just to take me to expensive places, the dirty cheapskate! If your mascara runs, you'll discolour your vodka. You better be careful. Excuse me. Miss Howard. - Has Tom been here already? Tom Jynson? No. Why should he... - Where's Dolores? Emergency face repair. Want you sit down? No, thank you. Fortunately, I overheard your conversation and knew where to find you. What happened? The house burn down? No, but Tom is really very angry. Mrs. Brown saw you and Dolores leaving together... We could have used her at Pearl Harbour. - So she probably called him. Now he's out scouting every restaurant in the area. He is bound to come here. - Why he's not hire a detective? He's talked about that. He's determined to get something on Dolores. - But why? To keep the alimony down, what else? Tom isn't a man. He's a business machine. It's Tom. Here comes old IBM now. Oh, hello, Tom. - Rosemary... I thought you stayed away from gibsons. Good evening Mr. Jynson, won't you join us? - No, thank you. I'm looking for Dolores. You going on your second honeymoon? You didn't tell me you were going to dinner with Mr. Adams. What I do outside the office is no one's business but my own. Unfortunately, we were only discussing Miss Howard's business. Oh yes, Mr. Adams is thinking of extending his lease. We may have to write up a new one. Well, from what I hear, you'd better add a morality clause. Takes a real dirty mind to believe everything Mrs. Brown says. Wanna wait a minute, Miss Howard. - Mission accomplished. Thanks, but I've been trying for weeks to get you to have dinner with me. I don't rush off, will you have a Gibson? - I hate Gibsons. Is there anything else you'd like? - Nothing, thanks. We're not allowed to drink on rescue missions. You're a real problem, you know. Any girl won't even split a chicken with me. Well, I'm not sorry for you, Mr. Adams. You certainly don't lack female companionship. I only want to maintain peace in Paradise. Jack Adams! The minute I leave the table! Honestly, you men are all alike! You can't trust any man! Excuse me, Miss Howard. Well, I'd better explain it to her. Waiter? Waiter? Oh, Jacques. C'etait merveilleux. Cela a developpe exactement comme vous l'avez predit. Merci. Votre mari, est-ce que ca lui a plu? Il en etait ebloui. Nous voulons le faire chaque semaine. Well, hello. Come on in, Miss Howard. Would you feel safer if I came out? Your discussion group will be here soon. There's safety in numbers. Not if the numbers are 38-22-34. Ooh! You flatter me. - What can I do for you, smart? Keep away from Dolores Jynsen. I don't attend to chase around, keeping you two out of trouble. Trouble? Miss Howard, I'm a big boy. I shave, and everything. If Tom had caught you with Dolores, you'd be in enough hot water to shave for a week. He'd have filed for divorce. I have a financial interest in Paradise Village, Mr. Adams. I don't want a scandal here. That reminds me, have you resumed work on Paradise hills? You know perfectly well we haven't. Why do you ask? You haven't found me a secretary yet. The work's piling up. How about maybe you help me part-time? - Me? Keep me out of trouble. Beside, you're the only one here I can trust. Why? 'Cause of the nature of my work. What Is the nature of your work? It's a... series of reports. Oh, government work? Yes, in matter of fact, I am working for the government. It occurred to me, until you resume Paradise Hills, maybe you can help me out a few hours each evening. Sorry. I don't like to work nights. - Wait... wait! Let's discuss this little more. - There's nothing to discuss. No, but I'd like to explain. Why can't we do it over dinner? I've discovered a little place that not only fits my budget... but where the food's fit for the angels and the drinks are fits for the gods. Call me later. Is he a bartender or a landscape architect? He's an artist. - Care for a scorpion's kiss? That's what they're called? And this is a bikini. - That's an odd name for it. A drink bikini? - That's because there's not much to it, but it hits the right spots. - Oh! I've had two and don't feel a thing. We'd better get you another one. Hey, innkeeper! Another brace of bikinis, please. Sorry, Sir. Only two to a customer. - Oh, come on. Sorry, ma'am. That's a very powerful drink. There's an old tahitian saying... Oka loko pama, kala tino kola oka! :) Oh. Just what did that old tahitian mean, by the way? Who knows? I'm from San Francisco. Loopholes everywhere. Your booth is ready, Mr. Adams. - Oh, thank you. Will you send over a couple scorpion's kisses, then. Thank you. Just make it the small scorpions. You all right? - I'm fine, but why are you leaning? Oh, that's better. Now, sit up straight. Oh. You know, this is really a very attractive restaurant. I'm surprised you haven't been here before? Well, the atmosphere is hardly conducive to business. Oh. Is that all you ever discuss at dinner... business? That's not what Dolores tells me. Oh, that's great. That's really great. Tom thinks every time he turns his back, she's out chasing every other man. Dolores loves Tom very much, and we can help them, you and I. There's just a breakdown in their communications. Ha, ha, ha, ha! What's so amusing? Oh... Tom thinks our Paradise bachelor is such a dangerous man... a Satyr running rampant in a harem. Now you turn out to be dear Abby in britches. Oh, I didn't know you were so talented. There are lot of things you don't know about me, Mr. Adams. I can sail a boat, upholster furniture, skin-dive for abalone, bake strudel, know the names of all 50 states, and their capitals, and I play a mean piano, among other things. Let me hear more about the other things. Come dance with kumina. - No, honey. You're one bikini late. I couldn't stay... No, I'd have to take a pill. I couldn't. No. It makes me seasick. I couldn't. No, I really... I know but... It is a strange Paradox that the American woman, who lives in a world where the bachelor and the spinster meet disapproval discrimination, and therefore to be satisfied "with nothing but marriage, finds so much discontent, restlessness, and boredom "in the marital state." Seeking relief from the burdens of domesticity, she exercise... Sorry, Jack. Would it be alright if Camille went red, instead of black? - But why red? Leland's crazy about Susan Hayward, and she's a redhead. He tells you he is crazy about Susan Howard, that so you won't know how he really feels about Lollobrigida. Oh? - See? Come on, I'll give you a hand. - Yeah. She exercises much imagination, frequently through group projects that will in someway stimulate her. Larry, is that you, honey? Well? Take it off. Take what off? - That hideous wig... take it off. All right. All right, it's not hideous. Only, take it off. - Oh, Larry. It isn't. It's not a wig. You mean you dyed it that colour? Yes. Just wasn't coming up to speed, that's all. Hey, where'd you learn electronics? It's simple mechanics. This isn't the first machine I've been cared. Now let's see if it will work. Well? You're doing this for the government? Well, they can hardly wait for it to come out. Sounds like something A. J. Niles might write. Look, I trust you. I can tell you the truth, Rosemary. I don't have a dime, and Mr. Palfrey came up with this idea. What idea? - A book like Niles's, only about America. While A. J. is in France, I came out here to do this one. Palfrey thinks is a mint in it. Where's the government come in? They're waiting for the mint. - Oh. Know something? This is better than A.J. Niles. Thank you. What did you do? - Take back to the office to transcribe it. I can't work here. - Why not? It's quiet here. We can concentrate. That's what I'm afraid of. Afraid? I'm a pussycat. From the gossip around here, you're a Tomcat. Me? You, of all people, know... Look, there's been enough talk. Why give them more fuel? Every husband in Katherina street is talking about you. You're sure you don't want them talking about you? They've already talked about me, and Dolores, and every other woman in the neighbourhood. Aristotle said the high-minded man is more interested in the truth than in what people believe. And are you so high-minded? I do think I've been behaving in most exemplary in manner. Do you realize I haven't even been kissed since I moved in here? No? I mean, no, I didn't realize. Some sort of a record, for me. Oh, Rosemary, I'm sorry. Alright, Linda. I was leaving, anyway. You were? Terrible gosh me the burst in this way, but it's an emergency. It's Larry. I don't' know what to do. What have you done to your hair? - You see? Larry's tone was positively menacing. He walked out on me. He says he's going to get drunk. Oh, that is in favor, you know. That might be an improvement. But I promised Donna to come over tonight. Go without him. - And Leave the boys? How can I? Larry promised to stay with them. Donna is my sister. I can't tell her Larry has walked out and let me. You know how families are. Why don't you stay with the boys? Yeah. Me... baby-sit? - You started it. Yes! So will you help me, Jack? You'll be an angel... The kids are asleep. There's nothing to do, really. If I go over there, you can stay here and work. Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with that. Oh, Jack. Mmm! You're a saint. There goes my record. What young parents without help did before there were baby-sitters is unclear. There's no evidence to... You're supposed to be asleep. I'm hungry. What can I get for you? - A sammich. A sammich. What kind of sammich? A pickle and peanut butter sammich. Pickle and peanut butter. Not interested in growing up, huh? See? You woke your kid brother up. No, I didn't. He woke hisself up. Shh. Well! Well, how long you in for, Stevie? I'm Stevie! He's Dougie! Oh, oh. Well, come on. Let me spring you. Come on, doll. Come on. You don't have to cry. You... Uh-oh. High tide. Aw! Oh, Larry. - Where's Adams? He's not here. - Don't kid me, Miss Howard. You women are all alike, ain't you? Stick up for him. What's he got, anyway? And where is he? As a matter of actual fact, Mr. Delavane, he is next door at your house performing a duty you have neglected. I catch you, and you try to wriggle out of it by accusing my wife of unbecoming conduct? I'm not accusing Linda... - Rosemary, can you... - So there you are! You just bad as he is... worse! Trying to make me suspect my poor little wife when it's you who've been hanky-pankying around... with this... This bachelor! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Well, he's drunk. But maybe he can change the kid's diapers. I doubt it. He's headed in the other direction. I don't blame him. Say, come on, help me, will you. I don't know anything about this stuff. Wait the minute. What makes you think I do? You're a woman. - Oh, gender's no license for knowledge. After some of the remarks you made about American spinsters on that tape... We can discuss that later. Next door is a waterlogged kid going down for the third time. Come on, help me. Does the board of health know about this place? What are you doing? - Fixing a sammich for Dougie. Where is he? - Under the table. Hey! Hey, come on out of there. W... what happened to your diaper? They slitched off. Yeah? - Here, let me take him. With this kid, Linda doesn't need a garbage grinder. Here we are. There. You go get some dry diapers. Aren't you supposed to powder him first? - No. You oil them first. Oil? This kid hasn't done a thousand miles yet. Here. You do it, and I'll get the dry diapers. Hold them. And I'll put Stevie in the other bedroom. Isn't that good? Is that refreshing? Here you are. Ahh! You're the sweetest smelling. That's all right, baby. Everything will be alright. If she wants to dye her hair, what's the big deal, anyway? What do you say we go tell her, ol' uncle John, O.K.? [ Johnny Walker, op. p.] Not enough oil. I couldn't find the diapers, but... What are you doing? Let's face it. I'm a lousy mother. Oh, go get another towel. I'll clean him up. Oh, Dougie. Ooh! Yeah, wait. Come on. Come on. Let's sit you up. Let's sit up. There. How about this one? Give me one... for here. Yeah. Well, I think that should do it. Well, come on. There, huh? He'll never get out of that unless he has friends on the outside. Mrs. Delavane! Mrs. Delavane! Aha! Aha what? - You are in my house. Of course I'm in your house. I'm... Miss Howard wasn't lying about you and Linda. Oh, stop it. - Butt em up. Oh, hold it, body. - Butt 'em up, I'm gonna knock your eyebrows off. I couldn't go two rounds with your breath. I won the first fall. Quiet, you two. The boys are trying to sleep. Oh! My wife isn't good enough for you, huh? You got to have another woman, too. Well, there's another one to put to bed. Yeah, but he's already oiled. Causing unrest and disharmony, apart from entertaining married and unmarried women in flagrant violation of all standards of decency and morality. The undersigned therefore demand that Paradise Village, incorporated, remove the above-named undesirable tenant immediately. And it's signed by every husband on Katherina street. But not one of their wives. Don't tell me he has gotten to you, too, Rosemary. You don't believe that rot! These gentlemen believe it. Aristotle said the high-minded man is more interested in the truth, than what people believe. Aristotle doesn't live in Paradise, and I am not going' to antagonize the people who do. Rosemary, I want Jack Adams out of your house. and I want him out fast. - No, Tom. I am not put him out, not for you or anybody. Are you disobeying me? This is not the marine corps, major Jynson. No. This is Paradise, and I am in command in here. You will do what I say, or you're through... fired. I'm sorry, Tom. Truly sorry! Well, come in. You're a little early. How would you like a full-time secretary? What, red-blooded American boy wouldn't? What happened? - I'm no longer an employee of Paradise Village, inc. You quit? - I did. I won't work for any man after he fires me. I admire your spirit, among other things. How'd that happened? A matter of business policy. We didn't agree. We don't always agree, either, you're the exactly a person I need. To help me with my research. What kind of research? - Don't worry, I'll push your desk against the wall. I couldn't chase you around it if I wanted to. Don't worry, I wouldn't be here. Just don't ask me to stay after working hours. Agreed? - Agreed, under protest. Let me see. You'll be my landlady and secretary. And I'll be your tenant and boss. A very involved relationship. If you raise my rent, I'll lower your salary. You lower my salary, I'll raise my voice. ..comes to the plate with a curve ball. First strike. 0 and 1. Ripley checking his signs. The big right-hander's ready again. Repley comes back to the plate. Palufski swings, gets a hold of it. Long drive to deep left-centre. Back goes Smitty, a-way back, and she is gone. It's a brand-new ball game... 3 and 3. Before the biggest crowd of the year... 75,000 here at the stadium... the Bears have come back for a run of the seventh to tie, 3 and 3. For Palufski, his 17th home run of the year and his 51st RBI. Now let's find out if Dillon's coming up. Jerry, is that Dillon comming up? - No, Billy. That's Monty Brice... Monty Brice, he is hitting .287 so far this season. Never mind Monty Brice. Take a note. Americans are so accustomed to being told everything, even at ball games, they bring their radios so the announcer can explain what they seen. And the fast ball swung off and fouled away. Our guess would be about 75,000 people here. I wonder what idiot caught that. They have the rest room in this stadion... They would have torn the roof off for sure on the home run by Palufski. They tell me 20 million American women have taken this up. Sure. To get rid of their aggressions. Yeah. Oh, yes. You know, those aren't pins. Those are 20 million American men. The cleaners returned your grey suit. I hung it in the closet. - Oh, thanks? And I got your shirts back. They're in second drawer. You don't have to do my shirts, Rosemary. The laundry... - The laundry puts a razor edge on the collars. I don't want my boss decapitated. Even if he has a spair. Hey, you worried about your boss or your tenant? Jack, please. Why not? It's time you acknowledge man and women are different, even in America. This arrangement about is difficult enough. Don't make it impossible. You're making it impossible. I want to make it very possible. A little cooperation, and it could be fun. No woman really wants to make love platonically, just for fun. Then I've met some great pretenders. I'm sure lot of women have fallen in love with you. If they have, they are wanted something more than... Well, merely an affair. - For instance? Oh, a home, security, permanence. You know, wise man once wrote... that a man wants to be a woman's first love, but women have a more subtle instinct. They want to be sure they're a man's last. Let's eat. Jack... - Hmm? Have you been a bachelor all your life? I was engaged once at the age of seven, what I thought were pangs of love turned out to be measles. Silly. Then there's still a chance that some poor girl may marry you? A rich girl have a better chance. Have you ever been in love? Never. Have you? Once... I thought. No. I take that back. I really was. - What makes you sure? What makes you sure you never were? I planned it that way. I had a very smart father... who prepared me for life in very early age splendid piece of advice. You care to share it? He said: "Be careful of what you put your heart and your money onto." Your father told you that? Right after my mom told it to him. Ha, ha, ha! That's funny. Hi. - Oh, hi. Where's Rosemary? - She's gone. It's after 6 o'clock. I wanted to talk you alone. I had to. It's about Larry. He hasn't said a word to me for days. Why? You've dyed your hair back, haven't you? But he's still suspicious. - Of me? You see, It's your reputation, Jack. Everybody thinks that... - Thinks what? That you're having affairs with all of us... me, Camille, Dolores, Rosemary! - Really? That should qualify me for the olympic team. Don't joke about it. They've written everything down. Good. We'll make an italian movie from it. They even sent in that petition. - What petition? To Tom Jynson, to have you evicted, only Rosemary wouldn't do it. Are you sure about this, Linda? - Positive. Leland Quinlaw and my Larry started it. All our husbands in the neighbour signed it... What's that? - Something's burning. It's the oven. My ready-mix cake. Ha, ha! - Hope Smoky the Bear doesn't hear about this. Jack! Jack? - Out here! What's so urgent? Sit down, Rosemary. I want to ask you something. Why couldn't you ask me on the phone? I want to see your face when you answer. Honey... I know this isn't the first time you've tried to protect me, and... I'm deeply touched, but you should have told me about the petition. What good would it have done? I could have spared you and everyone else out lot of trouble. How? - By moving out. Leaving Paradise? I should think you'd be glad to get rid of me. No. I mean, what about your book? I've got enough material for six books if I wanna use it. Oh, Jack, please. I just don't want to get hopelessly involved. You're a little late. You already are. So am I. Why don't you come with me? With you? Where? Anywhere. I need you, and you need me. We both lived alone long enough. What's the advantage? Tube toothpaste lasts twice as long. That's all you can say for it. There's just one problem, a matter of social convention. I can't very well ask you to marry me. We understand each other. Why complicate things? We can't. I can't, not this way. I found that out a long time ago. This is different, darling. We're both being completely honest with each other. Which means you don't want to ask me to marry you. I haven't the nerve. I'd be a real heel if I did. You know what you'd be getting for a husband? Just roughly. A man who's been a bachelor all his life, who wants his own way, a gypsy who's never had a permanent home since he was a kid in the pool room burned down. And wants to stay as free as a winds. A man who's not only dead broke, but in hock to the government. Is that the kind of man you want to marry? I don't know... I don't know if I want to marry anyone. Then it's a stand-off, isn't it? But I do know one thing. - I know. Pardon me. I'll kill whoever it is and be right back. Hello. Yes, operator. Speaking. Wait! Rosemary! Don't go! I... yeah? Who? Austin Palfrey, dear lad. Can you be at the L.A. airport by midnight? But why, what's... I've wired you a ticket for the midnight jet. You're to be in Washington first thing tomorrow. No, Rosemary. I haven't seen Jack since yesterday. But I did hear his phone ring. Was that you? Dougie, spit that out! What, Rosemary? No. His car's not here, either. Look, honey, I've got to run. Dougie's eating a a ball-point pen. Dougie! Jack? TURN ON Darling... that's you, Rosemary... I had to leave. Keep this machine to remember me by. I hope you'll be as lonesome and miserable without me... as I have been every evening when you left. There you are, Mr. Niles. Except for 1,000 dollars or so, it's all there. What's all there? Your money, dear lad. The cash, stocks, and bonds. You mean, you found Wappinger? Boarding a plane in Mexico City. Oh, that's great. Thank you gentlemen. That's wonderful. Course, you'll have to sign a complaint against him, Mr. Niles. No, I don't think I will. I'd have to stick around for his trial, be a witness and... there's something about courtrooms... I suppose you're anxious to back to France... finish your book. - No, I'm working on... something little more domestic right now. Of course... How the Americans Live! It's true. - Alright George, you can let the newsreel boys in now. I'm about to start the publicity rolling on Adams' next bestseller. As a matter of fact, I've been back in this country for some time... I've been in California, in a housing development in the San Fernando Valley. Course, I've have used an assumed name, but I've been doing a lot of research for my newest book. It's based on modern living in this country, and it's called... How the Americans Live! It is been a most stimulating and and fascinating experience... and frankly I've been amazed with some of my findings. Because I've found a strong, healthy group of hard-working men and women, who not only try to be kind and decent, but go to extremes to help each other. Aah! Rosemary. Why didn't you tell me you were coming back? I didn't know I was going to. But I just moved back in tonight. This is awful. It's not bad from here. You look quite alluring, and I'm proud of you for one thing. What? - You didn't pull the bedclothes up around your neck. No, no! Stay right where you are. No need to get up. It's after midnight. There's no one's here but us. - Oh, no, please. You're beautiful with your hair shook up like that. Don't spoil it. You're a picture. You don't go in bed with your face full of grease like a channel swimmer. You... got let me get up. - Rosemary. We didn't plan it this way either of us. It just meant to happen. I surely didn't mean this to happen. You're single, female, and in your right mind. - Exactly. If you think I am going to allow myself to become entangled with A. J. Niles... Oh, so that's it. Everyone knows who you are, Mr. Niles. All you-know-what broke loose here today. You didn't feel this way before I left. I'm the same man I was two days ago. The same deceitful liar. I had to lie, but not have to anymore. A shattering thing happened to me while I was away. For the first time in my life, I miss someone. I had to come back. Will you please leave me alone, and get out of here! At least now you know the truth. If you want the bedroom, you can have it. Your rent is still paid. - No, I'll stay there. I'll sleep on the couch, like the men always do in american movies. Ooh! Oh, darn him. Here. Well? - Well what? Aren't you going to brush your teeth? Oh... I forgot. You come in here just to remind me? No, I came in to tell you how despicable person you are. You might get an argument. I'm quite fond of me. You're the only one who is, but I'm grateful to you for one thing. Well, that's something? You brought me back to my senses. When I thought you'd gone for good, I was desolate. I was miserable because I lost my nerve... and ran out on you the other night. But now that you're back, I could see what a mistake it would have been. I'm not a woman to you. I'm a... guinea pig. That's all every female in Paradise is to you, A. J. Niles. A guinea pig. By the same token, I owe you a vote of thanks. In the gitty euphoria of recovering my loot and my identity, I seriously considered proposing to you. What a stupid blunder that would be, at my age, to change my whole way of life, give up my freedom, and everything. Thank you my dear, for snapping me back to reality. I'll be out of here and out your life first thing in the morning. Thank you. Who's that? - I don't know. Quick. In the bedroom. - But who is it? I don't know, it's too early for the milk. Just a minute. Hi. May I come in? No.- I heard your car drive up. I was so excited, Jack. Mr. Niles, I mean. I didn't think you were ever coming back here. - Well, I didn't... We knew you were somebody. You just had to be. I want you know, no matter what happens, we girls will stick up for you. - May not be enough, Linda. I'll take... ah... - What's that? What? - Jack! Back door. If that's Larry, he'll kill me. Quick hide in the bedroom. No! No, no. Second bedroom. Right there. I knew this house was too small. You got to come with me right away. - Where? What! To my house, before Leland finds out I'm here. You gotta talk to him for me. You gotta explain that nothing happened. You calm down, Camille. What you're talking about? Ever since Leland found out that you're A.J. Niles, he thinks you and I we're having... that we're carrying on some kind of a... Oh, please! You got to come clear my name. My whole marriage hangs in the balance. - Will you stop this drama! If I had to go that... - No! It's Leland! I knew I got to hide! Please! I got to hide! Here. Get right in there. Keep breathing. Oh, no! Adam J. Niles! Welcome to Grand hotel. Why didn't you tell me? We could have conducted the most marvellous experiments together! Look... put that coat back on! Where's your tape recorder? Let's get to work. But Dolores! - I want to be in your book! - You know that you can't... Ah! So Mrs. Brown was right! Wait a minute, Jynson. - I won't wait a second, you libertine. I'll see you in court... both of you! This... - Oooh! Linda! What are you doing in there? - I don't know. Come here. You're going to break your neck. Come on, hurry! Why are you out! - Aah! Shh! They're all coming. Over the wall. - Oh! Can you make it? Go on. WOLF IN PARADISE LOVE NEST LOTHARIO LAYS EGGS THREE HUSBANDS NAMES A.J. NILES LOS ANGELES COUNTY COURTHOUSE State, your name, address, and occupation, please. I'm T.W. Jynson, presently residing in the Palm Vista hotel. And I'm the developer of Paradise. Paradise? As I recall, the book of genesis... Paradise Village, Your Honour. It's a real-estate development. One of the finest housing developments in the broad and fertile valley... You will not use this courtroom for any advertising purposes, Mr. Jynson. Continue. Now Mr. Jynson, isn't it true that, most regrettably, you are compelled to seek this action against your wife after numerous instances of infidelity with one A.J. Niles... a man who is known to be... pardon me, Your Honour... a libertine and a seducer? - Absolutely. Objection! Your Honor, we intend to produce evidence to prove the statement that Mr. Niles is, if you'll pardon the expression, a libertine and a seducer. Order! Order in the court! Yes, I did say I wanted to be in his book. I wanted to be a whole new chapter. But in matter of fact, I wanted to be a whole new book. Mrs. Tom Cheapstake lives. Miserably. A.J. Niles filled my wife's head with sexy ideas. I married that woman because I liked her empty-headed. I knew there was something going on when I saw the way my wife was wrapping the garbage. Nobody wraps garbage like that unless there's some hanky-panky going on. The poor, dear man was always trying to help, like... when Camille wanted to dye her hair red, and Jack... Mr. Niles... told her that dyed red hair look so phoney... and... Oooh! Well... Your hair doesn't look like it's dyed, Your Honor. I mean... I mean, men can't always be right, can they? Your home is directly across the street from the house Mr. Niles is rented? - Right smack. I've just talked to New York. You making headlines. I've had to order a second printing of your book before it's even finished. From your observation, Mrs Brown, how would you describe Mr. Niles? Sex fiend, pure and simple. Objection! - Sustained. Mrs Brown, that's a very broad and condemning term. I don't know how else should describe him. He has only one thing on his mind. Have you ever read his books, madam judge? Yes, I have. I also read books from H.G. Wells, but I wouldn't describe him as an astronaut. Please, confine your testimony to factual observations. Very well, Your Honourees. Ever since that man moved in Rosemary's house... Stop trying to make implications, Mr. Backett. My relationship with Dolores Jynson was not experimental. Oh, then you actually did find her physically attractive? Certainly not. Did he have to say that? Well, that is, I didn't find her unattractive. I... What I mean is... Mr. Niles, when you've finished debating with yourself, will you please answer the question? I'm trying to, Your Honour. I did found her attractive, but that did not motivate my actions. Now, Mr. Niles, you herd Mr. Jynson testify that he saw Mrs. Jynson, clad only in a revealing negligee, nestled in your arms. Would you explain your motivation for that? You see, Your Honour, it isn't quite that simple. What I mean to say is... There were three other women in the house at the same time. Three? - I didn't plan that way. I don't go in for group therapy. It... was one of those hectic nights. I can well understand that. Your Honour, may I make one statement to clarify this whole situation? Clarification would most certainly be in order, Mr. Niles. Well Your Honour, there seems to be a public image of A.J. Niles as some sort of wandering Casanova, to whom the world is a private boudoir. In the past, there may have been some justification for this, but ever since I established residence at Paradise Village, I'm an entirely different man. The plain truth is... For the first time in my life, I've been in love... sincerely, deeply in love. And because of that, only one woman has meant anything at all to me. That woman is Rosemary Howard. Because of my feeling for her, I... couldn't have possibly indulged in any of the activities of which I've been accused. I returned from Washington for one reason, Your Honour... to marry Miss Howard. Unfortunately, she turned me down, but I was truly and still am... deeply in love, and I... hope to persuade her to change her mind and marry me. No further questions. Does counsel for the defence wish to cross-examine the witness? No questions, Your Honour. You may step down, Mr. Niles. Who is your next witness, Mr. Backett? I'd like to call Miss Rosemary Howard to the stand. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? Now yet you ruin everything. Now you're just another guy. And it's about time. Now, Miss Howard, were you formerly associated with Mr. Jynson in business? I was. Did you resign your position? No... I was fired. Will you tell the court why? Because I have refused to evict Mr. Niles from my house. Who demanded that eviction? There was a petition signed by a number of husbands in the neighbourhood. That would be exhibit A, Your Honour. Is this the document, Miss Howard? It appears to be, Your Honour. Now, Miss Howard, that petition... makes several allegations as to the conduct and character of Mr. Niles. Would you deny them now, under oath? Well, Miss Howard? May I make a statement, Your Honour? In the interest of clarification? Oh, yes. - Then by all means, Miss Howard. These three divorce cases... are based on a complete misunderstanding of Mr. Niles... and his motives and the motives of the wives. You tell them, Rosemary! Order in the court. Continue, Miss Howard. I know this because I worked very closely... with Mr. Niles... on his notes. I heard all the conversation... between the girls and Jack... I mean Mr. Niles... that night before Tom Jynson came bursting in. A.J. Niles only wanted to help. He understood their frustrations, their doubts, and their loneliness. She's right, Your Honour! Control yourselves! This is not a PTA meeting. Go on, Miss Howard. A woman left alone, even in Paradise, has to... rebuild her pride. I know Dolores and Tom are very much in love with each other, and Mr. Niles was aware of it, too. The others felt that their husbands were losing interest in them. But in all this time in Paradise Village, A.J. Niles only wanted to help, and this is his reward. Miss Howard... Mr. Niles is not on trial here. I know that, Your Honour, but he seems to be the central character. For as these men are guilty of failing to appreciate their wives. What's worse, you didn't trust them. The truth is, they're lucky to have women who care enough to try and win back their affection. As to Mr. A.J. Niles, I have only one thing to say. A few minutes ago, he stated... under oath, that his only objective was to marry me. And I meant it! Then I wish to state, under oath, that I have changed my mind, and I accept his proposal of marriage. You're hooked. You're through. No more experiments. Order in this court! Order! Order in this courtroom! Please! JUST MARRIED One of the most interesting aspects of the institution of marriage is a rather complex rite, colloquially referred to as the honeymoon. Historians have traced this romantic ritual back to the days of ancient... - Ha, ha, ha! Historians have traced this... Oh, those historians. - Ha, ha, ha! BACHELOR in PARADISE THE END transcribed: drdamjan |
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