MERLIN: It is now five minutes before 9..00
on the day before Christmas.
As has been my custom for the past 22 years,
I address you today.
I wish to offer you my thanks
for your loyalty and cooperation
during the past year.
I needn't add that
my son joins me in my sentiments.
So, from the bottom of our hearts,
we wish you the very merriest,
merriest of Christmases
and the happiest of New Years.
All right, everybody, dismissed.
Christmas card.
-You get one?
-Uh-uh.
Don't be jealous.
Gee, it's not gonna be easy
getting a job after Christmas.
It wasn't easy before Christmas.
I wonder if they'd give me a pension.
I worked here for three weeks.
Look, honey,
maybe you ought to go back home, huh?
There's nobody there anymore.
-Haven't you anyone in New York?
-No, I haven't.
Mary, is it hard for a girl to get in the Navy?
FREDDlE: Quack, quack, quack, quack.
Good morning, girls.
Hey, no kidding,
what are you getting me for Christmas?
You wouldn't drink it.
She's crazy for me.
Hey, Polly, I saw you hoofing
at the employees' ball.
Babe, you're really solid.
-Think so?
-Yeah.
And just to prove it to you,
I'm gonna take you dancing tonight.
No. I don't feel like it.
Not even for 50 bucks?
You mean,
you're going to give me 50 bucks?
Yeah, in a way. Come here.
Now, listen. There's a dancing contest
tonight at the Pink Slipper.
The orchestra leader's one of the judges
and he's my best pal.
So we win second prize,
50 bucks and we split it up the middle.
(BELL BUZZlNG)
Uh-oh, here they come.
Well, what do you say?
You just made a deal.
-Okay, I'll pick you up at 7.:00.
-7.:00.
After supper.
(QUACKlNG)
WOMAN: Where are you
going for lunch, Mamie?
(HORN BLARlNG)
Just a minute.
Don't you dare.
Don't you dare leave your baby here.
Oh, I'm not the mother.
There isn't any mother.
They'll take good care of it here.
It's such a wonderful baby.
(BABY CRYlNG)
Won't you come in?
Take your finger out of your mouth.
Take your finger out of your mouth.
You must be hungry.
They'll give you something to eat here.
-How do you do?
-Hello.
Come on, darling,
you mustn't eat your fingers.
Your name, please.
Polly Parrish.
Are you employed anywhere?
I'm at Merlin's.
You're so cute.
Oh, just a minute.
This isn't my baby.
I found it on the doorstep outside.
No, really.
An old lady left it on the doorstep
and I was afraid it might roll off,
-so the best thing for me to do was to...
-My dear young lady,
we're only here to help you.
We're your friends.
I wasn't leaving it.
I was just picking it up.
A great many mothers
say that babies aren't theirs,
but we've discovered from experience
that the wisest cause
is to make a clean breast of the whole thing.
Well, now, look. This is ridiculous.
This is not my baby,
whether you believe it or not.
(BABY CRYlNG)
Heaven's sake.
(BABY CRYlNG)
Just a minute, Miss Parrish.
Listen, when I want a family,
I'll get married and do it right.
-Pathetic.
-Yes, yes.
Well, anyway,
we know that she works at Merlin's
and they're a very charitable family.
-I'll go over right after lunch.
-That's right.
-Good morning, Mr Merlin.
-Good morning.
Good morning, Mr Merlin.
Good afternoon.
Good morning, Mr Merlin.
Good morning, Dad.
Good afternoon.
You're so interested in politics, you should
investigate the police force in Scarsdale.
And why?
Well, any motorcycle cop who can afford
to turn down a hundred-dollar bribe
must be in some crooked racket.
Don't you think so?
-Did you sleep in jail?
-No.
No, I didn't sleep at all.
I had to wait for the court to open.
David, you can't keep up
at the pace you're going.
You'll crack up.
Out every night with women and things.
-And things?
-Well, you know what I mean.
All I need is a shower.
Everybody sleeps too much.
-You take Edison...
-You take me.
I was young once like you.
Lived like you. Looked like you.
Then, suddenly overnight, I look like this.
Dad, you look great to me, I can't wait.
David, will you go to bed early tonight?
-9:00.
-What?
10:00.
All right, I'll wait up for you.
-Miss Dyer, would you...
-Mr Merlin, l...
This gentleman is from
the Atkins Foundling Home.
Oh, the charity discount is taken care of
by Mr Hennessy now.
It's the first office down the hall.
Oh, well, I hadn't come about the discount,
thank you,
but on a rather personal matter.
-Well, won't you come inside?
-Thank you.
What can I do for you?
Well, an employee of yours, a young woman,
left a baby with us today.
-Oh, I see.
-Yes.
And I discovered on calling
your personnel department
that she was discharged
as of the close of business today.
And I believe that is why
she has abandoned her baby son.
Mr Merlin,
give her back her job.
-Well, it's not my department...
-Mr Merlin,
if you had seen this mother,
denying the parenthood of her own child,
it would've touched your heart.
-Yes, would you mind stepping in here?
-Not at all.
It was pitiful, Mr Merlin, to see the child...
(TOY DUCKS QUACKlNG)
In the past year, we have had 537 such cases.
-DAVlD: 537?
-Yes.
Good afternoon.
Won't you sit down, Mrs...
-Miss Parrish.
-Oh, Miss Parrish.
Thank you.
Miss Parrish, did you receive a card
saying you were discharged
as of the close of business today?
Yes, sir.
That was a mistake.
Will you please forgive us?
It'll never happen again.
That job is yours
for just as long as you want to keep it.
What do you say, Miss Parrish?
Thank you...
Thank you very much.
And you are to be raised $5 a week
as of last week.
Is that satisfactory?
What do you say, Miss Parrish?
Thank you.
But merely getting your job back
and an increase,
that is not your real Christmas present.
-No?
-Oh, no, no.
Your Christmas present is probably
the greatest gift
that any woman could possibly have.
So true.
I almost envy you.
I do envy you.
Really?
You fortunate girl,
to have an employer like Mr Merlin.
And when you go home tonight...
you'll get your Christmas present.
Tonight?
-Tonight.
-Tonight.
Now, Miss Parrish,
you may return to your department.
Thank you.
And now I want to wish you,
and yours,
a very, very Merry Christmas.
-Thank you.
-DAVlD: Good day.
Good day.
Thank you.
And the same to you.
Nice-looking girl like that.
It's a funny world.
I can just see the look
on that girl's face tonight.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Who is it?
Something from Mr Merlin.
Your Christmas present
from John B Merlin & Son.
And what do you say, Miss Parrish?
I'll tell you what I say.
You can just take that baby out of here,
and this minute.
Do you realise what you are saying?
I certainly do.
That's not my baby
and you can just take it back
to the Foundling Home where it belongs.
Do you understand that Mr Merlin
gave you back your job
so you could raise your child
in security and comfort?
And you are choosing instead
to let it be raised as an orphan?
That's not my baby!
I am not its mother!
Come, Mrs Wilkins.
That baby'll be back at the Foundling Home
before you get there, even.
I wouldn't try that if I were you.
And it's no use
your trying to leave it elsewhere,
because it will only come back to us,
and we have its footprints.
I am not going to inform Mr Merlin
of your attitude.
Well, I am.
(BABY CRYlNG)
How do you like that?
Well, listen, kid, this is nothing personal.
I mean, it's...
I just don't know anything about babies,
and then...
You're so little.
Hey, hey, take your finger out of your mouth.
You want your teeth to grow crooked?
Come on, come on, take them out.
Take it out of your mouth.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Who is it?
It's Freddie, a well-dressed man.
Oh...
Oh, just a minute.
Oh...
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
I'll only be a minute.
FREDDlE: Hi, sugar.
Oh, hello, Fred.
I'm afraid I won't be able
to go out with you tonight, 'cause, uh...
I sort of feel
like I'm going to have a headache.
Oh, now, wait a second.
Babe, you can't do that to the chief.
Stand up the old maestro?
Why, everything's all set.
My brother let me have his car,
it's champing at the curb right this minute.
Well, I'm sorry, Fred.
I won't be able to go with you.
A little something's come up.
Oh, now you just listen to the old doctor.
I've got everything fixed.
I told you that one of the judges
is my best pal?
Well, I talked to him on the phone
only a few minutes ago and he's...
(BABY CRYlNG)
I talked to him on the phone
only a minute ago
and he said it was all set.
(SHOUTlNG) You talked to him
on the phone?
-Well, what did he say?
-Well, he said that everything was all fixed.
(BABY CRYlNG)
Do you hear a baby crying?
Who, me?
Oh, a baby. Oh, yeah, a baby lives next door.
It keeps me awake almost every night.
Oh, that's tough.
Well, now, look.
It ain't gonna do us any harm
to go out of our way a little bit
to make 25 bucks a piece, is it?
I mean, it'll only take us...
Well, what did it do? Crawl through the wall?
Oh, don't be silly.
Is it...Is it yours?
No, it's not mine.
Well, where'd it come from?
I got it for Christmas.
This Christmas or last Christmas?
Look, I don't know what you're thinking,
but you're all wrong.
Hey, if you've got a headache
or you think you're gonna have one,
you know, we can call this whole thing off.
You said you brought a car, didn't you?
-Yeah.
-That's fine.
M-E...
M-E-R. M-E-R.
70, East 64th Street. Come on, let's go.
Come on, baby.
Hey.
You aren't taking that along.
I have an errand to do
and it's right on the way.
-Come on.
-Wait a minute!
-Come on!
-Oh...
POLLY: I'll just be a minute.
Goodbye, baby. You certainly are cute.
Is Mr Merlin in? The son. I'd like to see him.
Merlin.
Would you tell me in reference to what?
I can't take care of this baby.
After all, it's his responsibility
and he has influence.
He got me into this, he can get me out.
-I'm sorry, madam...
-Oh, no, you don't. You're gonna let me in.
You surely don't propose
to leave that baby here?
Mr David wouldn't know what to do with it.
You can just tell him Miss Parrish left it here
and then he'll have to use his influence
in getting the baby into that home.
-Goodbye, baby.
-Oh! Please, Miss Parrish. Please.
Just tell him what I said.
Thank you very much. I'm in a hurry.
Mr Merlin!
-Mr David!
-What is it?
A young lady left this for you, sir.
What do you mean, she left it?
What did she say?
Well, she said her name
was Miss Parrish, sir.
-Oh!
-And would you use your influence
to get it into a home, sir.
That girl must be out of her mind.
Where did she go?
She's in that car, sir.
-Well, come on, come on.
-No, be careful, sir.
It's a baby, you know, sir.
DAVlD: Hey!
-Hey!
-Hey!
-I have my eye on them, sir.
-Well, don't lose them.
No, sir.
-Funny thing.
-What?
Well, you thought
you were gonna have a headache
and now I got one.
So I'll just drop you by your place
and then we can make it
some other night, huh?
-What do you say?
-No, no, you don't.
-You're just scared.
-Sure I'm scared.
You think I want to run around
with some gal that's friendly with the boss?
-Don't be silly.
-I got a job to think about.
-That baby was left with me by mistake.
-Oh, now, look.
And he's the only one
who can straighten it out.
I don't want to be seen with anybody
that even knows him.
We'll for $25 you can take a chance
he won't be dancing at the Pink Slipper.
Stop, sir.
They went in there.
-Where?
-There, sir.
(SWlNG MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Well, how do you find anybody in here?
What's the colour of your wife's dress, mate?
Maybe we can help you to find her.
I don't need any help.
Troublemaker. Keep an eye on him.
-There she is, sir.
-Where?
There, sir. Number 28.
Come on, give all of the old personality.
You know...
So that's the modern generation for you.
Twentieth-century motherhood.
Throws her baby in somebody else's house
and runs out to do that.
I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
Here take this.
Take it and wait for me.
Hold it, bud. Where's your partner?
I just want to talk to somebody. I just gotta...
You gotta wait till the contest is over.
How long is that gonna be?
-About an hour.
-An hour?
Listen, bud, if you want to get on,
why don't you grab yourself
one of our hostesses?
Would you mind entering this thing with me?
I could be convinced.
My partner.
Give it everything you got, kid.
But now warm up slow.
Dish it out, handsome, I can take it.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Hey, hey, wait a minute, will you?
Hey, where are we going?
Look, this is a dancing contest.
Will you wait a minute?
WOMAN: Hey, look, wait, will you? Hey!
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, this is a dancing contest,
not a free-for-all.
Sorry, better luck next time.
-Hey, look, kid, we're out.
-You're not dancing...
-You're very kind. I've got...
-The judge's decision is final.
-Get off the floor now. Come on.
-No. Oh, oh...
Wow, was he corny.
What's going on?
Come here, you!
Holy mackerel!
What's the matter?
I can't get Merlin out of my mind.
I thought I just saw him.
You're crazy.
BOUNCER: Get him out.
Good night.
If you'll please.
(BABY CRYlNG)
Call up Hennessy
and find out where that girl lives.
Very good, sir.
Well, Polly,
I'm sorry it didn't work out like I figured.
It wasn't your fault.
No, it's just one of those tough breaks.
I guess maybe we tried too hard.
Yeah, I guess so.
I certainly could've used that money.
So could l.
Imagine winning first prize.
Of all the tough breaks.
(BABY CRYlNG)
POLLY: Good night.
Well, how about asking a fellow in
for a little drink?
I haven't any liquor here.
FREDDlE: Oh, come on, have a heart.
POLLY: No, really, I haven't.
Well, how about asking a fellow in
for a little smoke?
I haven't any cigarettes, either.
Well, who's asking you for cigarettes?
I got a whole pocketful of them.
I just ain't got a match, that's all.
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm awfully tired
-and I have to get up...
-You don't have to get up in the morning.
-Come on, just a minute.
-Well, I'm just a little tired,
-and I think it would be better...
-Only a few minutes.
FREDDlE: Just one little matcheroo.
-No. No.
-Oh, come on!
Hello, Mr Merlin.
Well, I just came in for a little smoke
or something, l...
(STAMMERlNG) We've been out dancing.
Well, l...
I guess I'd better go. Good night.
How did you get in here, Mr Merlin?
Your landlady was kind enough to let me...
(BABY COOlNG)
Let us in out of the cold.
I've been here three hours.
I'm sorry, l...
I've been here three hours, Miss Parrish,
waiting to ask you just one question.
What could possibly go on
in that peculiar brain of yours
that lets you jump around a dance floor
like an idiot,
10 minutes after you've left your child
in a strange house,
with strange people who,
for all you know, might strangle it?
-Are you through?
-No.
I've seen some low things in my time,
but a mother
who has just abandoned her child, going...
That will stand alone in my memory
as something revolting.
Just one minute, Mr Merlin.
Are you interested in knowing
what I'm gonna do?
Would it interest you to know
that I am not the mother of that child?
And that, to me, is the lowest thing of all,
that you can deny that baby
when it cries as it leaves your arms.
Those are experienced people.
They know a real mother when they see one.
I'm gonna fire you. In fact, you are fired.
But that's nothing.
-I'm not the mother of that child.
-Fine, you're not the mother.
But as you go from place to place,
looking for employment,
you will discover that no department store
in the Merchants of America Association
will hire you. I'll see to that.
But that's nothing.
Any employer will ask you
for a character reference
and in my wildest imagination,
I cannot conceive of anybody
whose character
is less deserving of a reference than yours.
I'll explain your character!
Well, that's persecution.
I'll say it is. And eventually you'll come
and you'll beg for your job back.
And then you'll realise
what it is to have security
and a chance to bring up your child yourself.
You danced. Now pay the fiddler man.
You have an obligation to that child. Fulfil it.
Good night.
Well, have you decided
to ask for your job back,
or are you going to starve for a while first?
I'd like my job back.
Well, that's better.
I'm really not as bad as you think.
Why did you do it?
I had to.
There was nobody I could turn to.
Well, isn't there some legal way
to make the father support the baby?
I don't want to have anything to do with him.
Oh, I see.
He used to beat me.
No.
See that?
-Coffee pot.
-Oh, you poor kid.
-lt all started...
-Yes, well, I must go now
and you ought to get some sleep, I think.
Don't worry anymore.
The store is behind you.
-Thank you, Mr Merlin.
-Oh, that's all right.
-Good night.
-Good night.
Well, thanks for the job anyway.
This can't go on very long, you know.
Yeah.
Well, what am I gonna do with you?
Hmm?
Have you got any suggestions?
(lMlTATlNG THE BABY)
Well, I'll think it over.
I suppose in the meantime
you'll want to get undressed.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Who is it?
Could I come in a minute?
Oh, I'm...a little tired
and I'm getting ready to go to bed.
You don't have to hide that baby from me.
I know all about it.
Just like you, it looks.
You really think so?
The man I let up here with the baby,
he told me all about you.
Why did you want
to leave this baby someplace, huh?
You thought I wouldn't let you
keep a baby here maybe.
What kind of landlady do you think I am?
Well, thank you, Mrs Weiss.
I help you to take care of this baby.
I have downstairs a baby carriage
and a crib and anything you need.
Fancy.
What a wonderful baby. What's the name?
Joan.
John.
John.
That's a nice name, John.
Yeah.
John.
(TOY DUCKS QUACKlNG)
Good morning, Polly.
Good morning.
Don't talk too loud, you'll wake me up.
Why? What's the matter?
Ain't you getting any sleep lately?
Not for two nights.
How long can a person go without sleep?
Now, look, Polly.
You can trust me, you know.
I'm the kind of a guy that's strictly...
Couldn't get nothing out of me
with wild horses.
Huh?
How about you
putting in a good word for me with...
You know.
What's the matter with you?
Nothing.
Look, the assistant floorwalker job
is open right here in this department.
You know, with the little carnation here?
Now, one word from you to...
And I can stop pushing
this silly wagon around.
-Take that truck out of the aisle, Miller.
-Yes, sir.
-Keep those ducks in motion, Miss Parrish.
-Yes, sir.
Will you be coming upstairs, sir?
No, I'm just going to walk around.
I'll see you in a few minutes.
Good morning.
Good morning.
How are you?
I can hear you, but I can't see you so good.
I haven't been asleep for two nights.
Why not?
The baby's been crying.
Well, why don't you have it sleep
on its stomach?
I read that someplace.
That's how they like to sleep.
And do you know how to get a baby
to sleep on its stomach?
You turn it on its stomach
and then you go to bed,
and the baby turns over and starts to cry,
and then you get up
and turn the baby on its stomach
and go back to bed.
And then the baby starts to cry,
and then you get up
and turn the baby on its stomach
and pretty soon it's 9:00
and you're winding a duck.
Don't any mothers sleep?
I'm beginning to think they don't.
Well, there can't be very much to it.
After all, everybody here was a baby once
and they all got through it all right.
Thanks. I'll think of that.
Oh, that's just a pose that all mothers put on
that it's so difficult to raise a child.
I thought through that
when I was six years old.
Good luck.
Good morning, Mr Merlin.
Well, good morning,
good morning, Hargraves.
Quite an honour,
having you visit our department.
Oh, it all seems to be running like clockwork.
Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.
-Good day.
-Good day, Mr Merlin.
Here we are again.
Great fellow. Chip off the old block.
Yes, he is.
-This is the matter of your new assistant.
-Oh, yes.
Frederick Miller is entitled to promotion
by seniority.
Unless you have some personal objection.
No, he'll do as well as anyone. Thank you.
Oh, Miller.
-Yes, sir?
-For you.
Gee.
Tomorrow morning when you arrive,
you'll find some carnations in this vase.
-Take one.
-Yes, sir.
-A small one.
-Oh, of course.
Good luck.
-Thank you, sir.
-Okay.
Okay.
We have this little guy. He quacks, too.
He's all...
Babe.
That's what I call service.
Oh, this one quacks.
See the little duck?
Isn't he a cute little duck?
Now watch it. Now watch.
There we go.
Look at the duck.
Come on, open this mouth wide.
Isn't that good?
Isn't that good?
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Come in.
Hello.
Hello.
I was going through the book department
today and I found this book.
The Scientific Care of Infants
by Dr Joseph Eagleman.
It's the greatest thing I ever read.
I couldn't put it down.
Everything you need is right in there.
Oh, hey, hey, hey. Come on.
Now, wait a minute.
How do you know you're doing that right?
Doing what right?
Feeding it.
Well, there's nothing
very scientific about this.
You just put the food in the baby's mouth
and it swallows it.
From there on he's on his own.
That's what you think.
We'll just look into that.
Here we are.
Feeding, feeding...
Here we are.
"After the food is prepared,
the mother will, A, get a spoon."
Wonderful. How did he ever think of that?
Oh, please, don't be so smart.
Just do as he says. Get a spoon.
A spoon.
"B,
"take a spoonful of the food
and place upon a piece of gauze."
-Piece of gauze?
-What for?
Please, just do as he says.
Quite possible that a man
with 20 years' experience
might know what he's talking about.
Piece of gauze.
Next.
"Gently rub into the navel."
What?
"Gently rub into the navel."
(COOlNG)
Well, that's ridiculous.
No, it isn't.
It's probably to get the child's stomach
accustomed to the temperature of the food.
I think it's very logical.
I've never heard of such a thing.
And in future, all children
are going to be brought up like this.
Scientifically.
Well?
Here, let me look at this.
I read very well. I've been doing it for years.
I read a little, too.
"Take a spoonful of food
"and place on a piece of gauze,
and gently rub into the..."
You read very well.
Well, I don't care what it says.
I don't believe it.
Oh, please.
Don't tell me you know more about it
than the man with 20 years' experience
and a printed book on the subject.
Well, I'm certainly not going to
rub any oatmeal into this baby's navel.
Who does this...Yes.
Who does this Dr Eagleman or Eaglefoot,
whatever his name is,
think he is, with such...
Oh. What do you know about that?
"To relieve gas on child's stomach,
"take a spoonful of warm oil and
"place on a piece of gauze
and gently rub into the navel."
-I think it's very funny.
-lt certainly is.
I suppose if it had said,
"Hang baby by neck,"
you'd have thought it very scientific.
I'll feed the baby my own way.
Come on, darling.
Hello. Open your mouth, come on.
Just because you get
a couple of pages stuck together,
there's no reason
to condemn the whole book.
Defective duck.
Couldn't be that you wound it too tight?
No, I wound it quite normally.
That was made for a child to wind.
Well, that's pretty silly.
Do you think a child that size
is gonna wind up a thing like this?
It's inferior merchandise, that's all.
Where'd you get it?
John B Merlin & Son.
Well, it doesn't matter, it's still inferior.
Just get it exchanged tomorrow.
Ha ha.
What is the "ha ha" for?
Oh, nothing, just ha ha.
What is wrong
with our exchange department?
They don't exchange anything.
Oh, they only exchanged $50,000 worth
of goods last year, that's all.
-Just get the thing exchanged.
-Never mind, I'll just buy a new one.
Then I'll get it exchanged for you.
Certainly.
You probably could get it exchanged.
For a grand piano or something.
Well, I've got a Chamber of Commerce
thing tonight, so I'll...
go now.
And I'll leave this with you for the...
I'll take this back.
Good night.
Thanks for everything.
-Good night.
-Good night.
Oh, Mr Merlin.
It's been laundered.
(WHlSTLlNG)
Pick that up.
Don't lean on the counter.
All right. Break it up, break it up.
No gossiping.
Here, straighten up this counter.
Put those things away.
How do you expect to get anyplace?
(TOY DUCK QUACKlNG)
Hello, Mr Merlin.
I never would have recognised you.
Why the disguise?
I'm gonna show you that I can get this duck
exchanged without anybody knowing me.
Fine.
Would you mind stepping over
to the exchange department with me?
No at all. Mary, would you look after these?
This gentleman
wants to exchange something.
Ha ha.
I'll show you. I'll have this duck exchanged
in exactly one minute, and courteously.
We'll see.
-I have a duck here I want to...
-You'll have to get in line.
Fifty-eight, fifty-nine, sixty. One more.
Well, I had to get in line, didn't l?
Have this signed by the section manager
and bring it back here.
Oh, all right.
-I have a duck here I want to exchange.
-Certainly, sir.
What seems to be the trouble with it?
It's broken.
I can see that.
But how did it happen to break?
Well, I had it...
What difference does it make?
I must know where to place
the responsibility.
Well, just place the responsibility
on the duck and give me a new one.
Very well, sir.
May I see the sales slip?
Have you got the sales slip?
-I threw it away.
-You should have kept it.
-I threw it away.
-You should have kept it.
How did I know
the duck was going to break?
How did I know
the duck was going to break?
It's printed clearly on the back of the slip
that it must be kept for 30 days.
I can't keep a sales slip for everything I buy.
I can't keep a sales slip for everything I buy.
-The house would be full of them.
-House'd be full of them.
-(SCOFFlNG) It's silly.
-(SCOFFlNG) It's silly.
I'm sorry, sir,
I don't make the rules for the store.
They're made by the executive office.
Well, I don't care anything
about the executive offices.
(POUNDlNG)
I want a new duck.
Well, you're not going to get it by shouting.
I should say not. Or any other way. Ha ha.
That's what you think.
I'm exchanging this for a new duck and
you can straighten it out any way you like.
Oh, well, can I help you, sir?
(DUCKS QUACKlNG)
Listen, wait a minute.
MARY: Hey.
Hey, look. Wait a minute. Now, wait a minute.
Hey. You can't take that.
Hey, Mac!
Shoplifter! Shoplifter!
Oh, no, you don't. I saw you steal that duck.
You can't get away with that.
Mr Merlin!
Excuse me, Mr Merlin.
It's all right, folks. It's nothing at all.
I'll help you there, sir.
All right. Now, leave me alone.
Gee, Mr Merlin, I didn't know it was you.
I thought it was a customer.
-A customer?
-Yes, sir.
It's lucky for you it was me.
A customer would sue the store.
How long have you had this job?
-Well, you know.
-I know what?
You know, since yesterday.
And what did you do before that?
I was a stock clerk.
Then I have a little secret to tell you.
You're still a stock clerk.
I'm terribly sorry, Mr Merlin.
It was all a mistake.
You've disgraced the toy department.
MARY: Hey, you. Come on.
Come on. Break it up.
What are you sitting there for?
How do you ever expect to get anyplace?
Oh, shut up.
They can't do this to me.
I know where the body's buried.
Well, if you do,
why don't you crawl in with it?
You'll see.
Hello, Louise.
What time do you want me to pick you up?
Why, David,
are you under the impression
that we have a date tonight?
Impression?
-Are you kidding, Louise?
-Why, no, David.
The last thing you said to me,
ten days ago, was that you'd call.
Well, I got in rather a mess.
I'm terribly sorry, David, but I'm afraid
you'll just have to go stag tonight.
Oh, don't worry about me. I'll get someone.
It's New Year's Eve, David. And it's after 8:00.
You'll never get anyone at this hour.
Anyone presentable.
-I'll be all right.
-I'll see you later, then.
Yes, both of you.
-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.
Well, who can I call?
It's New Year's Eve, sir. It's after 8:00.
Yes, I know. I know.
There'd hardly be a young lady
available, sir, on such short notice.
MAN: (ON TV) Take it away, Times Square.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
(CROWD CHEERlNG ON TV)
Who is it?
(MUFFLED TALKlNG)
MAN:...surrounded by thousands of persons
waiting to usher in the new year...
Just a minute.
Listen to that crowd.
(CROWD CHEERlNG WlLDLY)
(SWlTCHES OFF TV)
Your duck, madam.
I had it exchanged for you
with no trouble at all.
I certainly didn't expect to see you tonight.
Well, I didn't expect to be here,
but I was taking my shower
and it occurred to me
you might be having kind of a dull evening.
So, come on. Get dressed.
We're going to a swell party.
Stood up, huh?
Hmm?
You were stood up.
No, l...
Yes, l...
I promised to call her back and I forgot.
I'd love to go with you,
but I can't leave the baby alone.
Oh, the baby. You don't have
to devote your whole life to the baby.
You told me to.
Yes, but this is New Year's Eve.
Get somebody...
Get the landlady to take care of it.
Oh, there's one more thing.
Oh, what?
Well, you and your...
And me and my... What I've got.
We'd make half of a lovely couple.
I'll take care of the clothes.
You go and fix it with the landlady.
-Go on. Run. Hurry.
-She's probably busy... What will I do?
-Turn on the charm. Give it everything.
-I know, but...
Hurry up.
(DOOR SHUTTlNG)
Four and a half.
-Let's see now. You got stockings?
-I got stockings, all right.
-Handkerchief?
-Yep. I got the handkerchief.
-Purse?
-Yep. That's here.
-Well, come on. Hurry up.
-Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
-Got gloves? Shoes?
-Yeah, I got gloves.
-Well, you got the shoes.
-That's right.
-Say, what coat did he say to get her?
-The mink one.
Well, there's a mink coat on that model there.
Well, maybe that's it. Let's see.
Think that's all right?
Good evening, Mr Merlin.
-Your party is right over there.
-Oh, yes.
Oh, don't leave me.
Oh, I won't know how to talk to these people.
Just say no to the men.
The girls probably won't talk to you anyway.
-This way, please.
-Thank you.
-No, I mean it.
-Come on.
But I haven't anything in common with them.
I won't know what to say.
I'll take care of that.
Suits me fine.
These boys are half-man and half-wolf.
If you know what I mean.
Yes, I know what you mean.
That tall one's cute.
He's the worst of the lot. He's all wolf.
-Hello, David.
-How are you?
Am I glad to see you.
-Hey.
-Huh?
-Her name's not David. That's me.
-Oh.
-Who is that?
-MAN: I don't know.
-Oh, come on, come on. Introduce her.
-All in good time. Just relax.
(ALL GREETlNG)
Hello, I'm sorry we're late.
Look, there's no point in my introducing
this young lady to you.
She's the daughter
of a Swedish manufacturer.
Just come over.
And she doesn't speak one word of English.
(SPEAKlNG FAKE SWEDlSH)
(REPLYlNG lN FAKE SWEDlSH)
Say, where did you ever learn
to speak Swedish?
Oh, I had a two-week holiday in Sweden
last year.
It's a very simple language.
(SPEAKlNG FAKE SWEDlSH)
(REPLlES lN FAKE SWEDlSH)
She just said the funniest thing.
She's very witty.
What did she say, David?
It's not very good in English.
It's just the way she said it.
How do you say "dance" in Swedish, Dave?
-Robo.
-Robo.
Robo, madame?
Shmorgen.
She's from the north.
(UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(WALTZ MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(BlG BAND MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Thank you very much.
(CRACKERS POPPlNG)
Say "thank you" in Swedish, will you, Dave?
(SPEAKlNG FAKE SWEDlSH)
Oh!
(SPEAKlNG FAKE SWEDlSH)
What'd she say, Dave?
She says, "You're welcome,
and you could use some dancing lessons."
Hey. I'm hungry.
Well, let's get out of here.
I'll get you something to eat.
-I like it here.
-Then we'll stay.
-But I'm hungry.
-Then we'll go.
All right.
WOMAN: Leaving?
Yes, we have some other stops to make, so...
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG DlSAPPOlNTEDLY)
Vijurna, happy new year.
(lN FORElGN ACCENT) Happy...
new...
-Year.
-Year.
-Good for you.
-Good girl.
-Happy new year to you, too.
-Bye. Happy new year.
-Bye.
-Bye.
Bye, David.
(PARTY HORN BLOWlNG)
-Are you leaving?
-Yes, Louise, we have another stop to make.
Well, how do you like her?
She's not bad for a fill-in.
Personally, I'd just as soon go stag.
(CHUCKLES SARCASTlCALLY)
You could, too, with those shoulders.
(DAVlD LAUGHlNG)
Happy new year!
Oh, shut up.
(LAUGHlNG HYSTERlCALLY)
(ALL SlNGlNG AND CHEERlNG)
-They're a little ahead of time, aren't they?
-(LAUGHlNG) I'm afraid so.
(CLOCK CHlMlNG)
(CROWD CHEERlNG WlLDLY)
(lNAUDlBLE)
(CROWD SlNGlNG AULD LANG SYNE)
(BOTH SPEAKlNG)
-I really had a wonderful evening.
-Oh, so have l.
-Never had a better one.
-Thank you.
Oh, your coat.
You know, I better give it back to you.
I'm afraid to keep it over Sunday.
Nothing can happen. You just wear it
and bring it to the store when you come in.
All right.
Thank you.
-Good night.
-Good night.
Say.
It's just 12:00.
-Huh?
-ln Chicago.
Happy new year in Chicago.
Same to you.
You wouldn't wanna stay up and see
the new year in Los Angeles, would you?
Oh, it's a little late.
-Good night.
-You know what we ought to do tomorrow?
-What?
-Go for a long drive in the country.
That would be wonderful.
It might be a little too cold for the baby,
don't you think?
Oh.
Yes, the baby.
But we'll be in the park
just around the corner, all day tomorrow,
if you wanna see it.
I'll try and make it but I've got other things
to do, you know, this time of year.
-Oh, yes. Oh, I understand.
-Yeah.
-Good night.
-Good night.
And schmorgen again
for a very nice evening.
-Oh, he's awake.
-Oh.
(GURGLlNG)
Yes, you want... Hmm?
You wanted to see if I got home all right?
Oh, he's the best baby I ever saw.
He never even cried once.
My Jerome,
he used to cry all the time.
Thank you very much, Mrs Weiss.
I'm sorry, I didn't know I was going to be
out so late.
Oh, that's nothing.
What else have I got to do?
-Good night.
-Good night.
Good night.
Hey, you wanna know a secret?
You promise you won't tell?
I think he likes me.
Yeah.
But I'm afraid he doesn't like you
very well, though.
(WHlMPERlNG)
Oh, don't get upset about it.
Don't get upset about it because...
nobody could come between you and me.
'Cause... 'Cause you're my fella.
Yes, you are my fella.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, you can't eat my hand.
No, you can't eat my hand.
Yes, I know.
Good night, baby dear.
Happy new year.
(CHURCH BELLS CHlMlNG)
Hey, mister. You John B Merlin?
-To you, yes.
-Here.
All right. Cop this, will ya?
That'll teach you to monkey with me.
What is it, Dad? A mash note?
Nothing.
I'll see you later, Dad.
I'm gonna take a little walk.
You are, eh?
Well, I don't mind a little walk, myself.
I think I'll go along with you.
No. Whoa. Oh, I wouldn't bother, Dad.
I'm gonna walk pretty fast. I don't think
you'll be able to keep up with me.
Yes. It is a little difficult to keep up with you.
I'll see you at lunch.
-Follow him.
-Beg your pardon, sir?
Follow my son and keep out of sight.
Yes, sir.
Allow me, madam.
Oh, hello.
Thank you.
-Oh, excuse me.
-Thank you.
You're welcome.
-Go right ahead.
-No, no. Go ahead, please.
-Oh, well. Thank you.
-Not at all.
Oh, isn't he cute.
There we are.
Uh, pardon me.
-Allow me.
-Oh, I see. Thank you.
How old is he?
Seven months.
Really?
Junior's only six months old and they seem
about the same size, don't they?
POLLY: Oh, I don't know.
Our doctor says that Junior
is a perfect physical specimen.
I find if the baby gets gas on his stomach
that the best thing is to take some warm oil
on a piece of gauze,
-and rub it into his navel.
-Mmm-hmm.
Don't let the pages get stuck together.
(COUGHlNG NERVOUSLY)
Does he stand up yet by himself?
-No, he doesn't.
-He doesn't?
Junior does.
And their baby is a month older.
But I wouldn't be too discouraged
if I were you, dear.
After all, some babies
are more backward than others,
but they can outgrow it.
Does Junior talk?
At six months?
Of course not.
Well, they're not supposed to talk at that age.
This one talks.
I can't imagine it. At seven months?
He's been talking for a month.
Well, it's a little difficult to believe,
but, of course, if you say so...
Doesn't he talk, dear?
Didn't he talk last night?
Certainly he talks. And very well, too.
Why, he can recite the first line
from Gunga Din.
Come, Oliver.
Of course,
you didn't have to make it ridiculous.
I just asked you to say he could talk.
Well, you've come a long way from the girl
who wouldn't even admit it was her child.
Now you think it's quite a baby.
You get used to it.
You get used to anything
if it's around long enough.
It's a very unusual baby.
Oh, really, it is.
(GURGLlNG)
Oh, very unusual.
But I guess it's just hereditary.
Oh, yes, of course.
Well, it is nice to know that he could grow up
to be the world's finest piano player.
Could grow up to be
the world's finest coffeepot thrower.
POLLY: Now, that was unnecessary.
After all, you don't know the circumstances.
-Maybe I was...
-Let's not discuss it.
It's nothing to do with me.
It's not my business to...
Dad.
-What are you doing here?
-Oh, just strolling about.
This is Miss... My father, Miss Parrish.
-How do you do?
-How do you do?
And who is this?
Oh, that's Miss Parrish's little boy.
Boy.
Would you mind, if I was very careful...
Would you let me just hold him for a minute?
Why, of course.
Come on, darling.
Come on. Come on.
There it is.
(QUAVERlNG) I'd know that chin anywhere.
What's his name?
John.
John.
Thanks for that, anyway.
Is there something I can do?
You've done it.
I wouldn't keep the baby out much longer.
I think it's getting chilly.
Come on, darling.
Dad, you're acting rather strange.
Do you feel all right?
I'll discuss this matter with you at home.
Goodbye, Miss Parrish.
Goodbye.
Holy mackerel!
Dad, wait. Dad!
Hello, Dad.
-Now, you listen to me...
-I want to explain something.
-Let me explain it my way.
-I'll do the talking.
For years I've been waiting, waiting,
and for what?
The dream of my life. A grandson.
And now you want to deny me
this happiness. Why didn't you...
Excuse me, sir.
So this is the modern generation.
So this is the 20th century.
Marriage was good enough
for your father and mother, bless her.
-And it's good enough for you, son.
-Dad, I never said...
Pardon me, sir.
You're going to marry that girl.
You're gonna bring my grandson
into this house.
-Now, I'm gonna tell you something.
-Now, don't start that with me.
You know my temper.
Remember what I did to Governor Mead.
You haven't any grandson.
The least you can do is not to deny it.
I saw him with my own eyes.
I saw you with that girl.
-That's not my baby.
-Don't be a catcher.
Besides, I have other information.
A letter from... From a friend.
But if I hadn't it,
if I hadn't seen you with that girl,
if I saw that baby on a desert island by itself,
I'd know it was my grandson.
Why, he looks exactly like me.
Oh, Dad, for heaven's sake.
You're jumping to conclusions.
-Now, I'm gonna tell you something...
-My mind's made up.
Nobody's playing around
with my grandchild.
I'm going to take him.
I'll get him if I have to go
to the Supreme Court.
Will you listen, before your blood pressure
goes through the roof...
Never mind my blood pressure.
You don't know me in a fight.
Oh, you're the stubbornest man I ever met
in my whole life.
I'm going to prove to you
that it's not my child.
I know what's the matter with you.
You're crazy,
that's what's the matter with you.
You're unbalanced. You've been working
too hard and your mind's cracked under it.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
You've been burning the candle
at both ends.
Yes, and in the middle, too.
What you need is...
(DOOR SLAMMlNG)
...more sleep.
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Come in.
That must have been funny.
I know what your father thought.
He thought Johnnie was your...
This is no laughing matter.
Do you know what he's gonna do?
-No.
-He's gonna take that baby away from you.
-Well, I'd like to see him.
-You don't know my father.
He'll send for lawyers and investigators
and things. He'll get the baby away.
He can't do that. It belongs to me.
You've got to stop him.
All right. Well, get ahold of this piano player.
That'll be a big help.
Well, I can't do that.
But you'll just have to
when half a dozen lawyers come round here
questioning your fitness to raise the baby.
Look, take me to your father.
Let me talk to him.
-I can convince him.
-He won't believe you either.
He's out of his mind.
He even wants me to marry you.
He wants to set me up with a ready-made
family just so he can have a grandson.
I tell you, this is serious.
Yes.
That would be serious, wouldn't it?
Oh, no. I didn't mean that.
That's all right.
-I didn't mean to sound like...
-lt doesn't make any difference.
But you'd better tell your father
to leave Johnnie and me alone.
Oh, I'll do what I can. I wish I could explain...
Why don't you go?
Now.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Come in.
Mrs Weiss,
would you come and help me pack?
I'm going away.
Away? Where?
Oh, I don't know. Any place. They're...
They're trying to take the baby away.
-Who is?
-Who? That fellow who just went out?
His father.
Is that the papa of the baby?
No. No, but his father thinks he is.
That's ridiculous.
I don't pretend to be an attorney,
but I know your rights.
And I say his father can't get the baby.
I know, but I don't want
a lot of people around asking questions.
Polly.
Why don't you get the real papa
to go and see his father?
I can't.
-I wish I could.
-Yeah, that would be the solution.
Jerome.
This is your chance to do a good deed.
Mama.
Come in.
I've had a hard time finding you.
Oh, Mr Merlin, I didn't mean to cause
nobody any trouble, now.
-Do you know who's the father of that baby?
-Huh?
Polly's baby. Who is the father?
Well, I don't know anything, Mr Merlin.
Nothing at all.
Oh, you don't know, huh?
Would you like to be
an assistant floorwalker again?
Would l!
They'll show.
We have Mr Wharton
on the telephone, now, sir.
Oh, good, good.
And there are two people to see you, sir.
A Mr and Mrs Weiss.
Weiss?
Weiss? I don't know any Weiss.
Tell them to write a letter.
Hello, Wharton? Where are you?
Lake Placid?
Well, what are you doing there?
Skiing.
I'm not paying you $50,000 a year
to go skiing.
You ski back to New York right away
or I'll get another lawyer so quickly
it'll make your head swim.
Skiing at a time like this.
They say it's about a baby, sir.
A baby? Well, show them in. Show them in.
Very good, sir.
This way, please.
-Won't you sit down?
-Thank you.
Mr and Mrs Weiss?
I thought you were Miss Parrish.
Well, that's the name I use at the store.
We've been married for two years.
(STUTTERlNG) Yeah, two years.
Your son just called and there seems to be
some misunderstanding about our baby.
Your baby.
So there's no need to send anybody to
investigate. It would just be a waste of time.
Maybe this will convince you.
Here is the father of that baby.
Go on. Go ahead.
Mr Merlin, um,
your son came over to our flat and said that
you have some wrong impression
about my son.
Well, my son is my son and nobody else's.
I've never heard of such a thing.
I see.
Do you know who that is?
-Who?
-JOHN: That.
That's the father she brought here.
You two seem to have slipped up someplace.
You've got one too many.
So you finally showed up, huh?
I couldn't come any sooner.
Pretty cute, wasn't it,
running out on her like that?
-Like what?
-You're not gonna try to keep this up.
Do you know what this is?
-A coffeepot.
-You ought to recognise it.
Oh, David!
How do you like that, you piano player?
-How dare you hit a poor, defenceless man!
-Oh, go on, stick up for him.
You might as well cut all this out.
It doesn't convince me.
And I'm not through with you, young man.
I'm gonna prosecute you.
I don't know what for,
but I'm gonna prosecute you for something.
Mr Merlin, I'll tell the truth,
and I know what I'm talking about.
Your son put me up to this,
and he's the father.
Dad, this is the truth.
-He's the father.
-Wait a minute.
I'm not the father.
I don't care who the father is.
I'm the grandfather.
-You're not the father?
-No, I'm only the landlady's son.
I didn't wanna do this.
JOHN: And I'm gonna prosecute you, too,
young man.
Polly.
Polly.
-Well, she's gone.
-Gone!
-She'll take the baby.
-Wait a minute, I'll get the car.
MRS WElSS: Oh, here's your mother coming.
Oh, my dear.
-ls he ready?
-Yes.
-Here.
-I've left the rest of my things up there.
I'll let you know where I am.
MRS WElSS: But where
will you sleep tonight?
Oh, I'll be all right,
just so they don't find me.
And, Polly, take care of the...
Go on in my room, quick.
-Do you suppose they'll see me?
-Oh, no, no, go ahead.
Go ahead. Be quiet.
Go into my bedroom.
Where's Miss Parrish?
Miss Parrish, she don't live here anymore.
She moved.
-She moved?
-Yes, she moved.
Don't you believe me?
Go on upstairs and see it for yourself.
-Go on upstairs.
-Come on.
-Everything is all right. Just keep quiet.
-All right.
Those tactics may be all right
for Governor Mead,
but this is no way to treat a girl
with a child in her arms.
Madam, I want the truth out of you.
You're concealing that girl's whereabouts.
Whereabouts?
What is a "whereabout"?
Where are you hiding her?
(MRS WElSS LAUGHlNG)
(BABY CRYlNG)
You went upstairs to look at in her room,
didn't you?
-Dad, I'll handle this.
-Let's see what you can do.
Mrs Weiss, we'd very much appreciate it
if you could give us any hint
as to where she went.
MRS WElSS: I hardly know her myself.
She just lived here a few weeks,
and I never ask anybody any questions.
DAVlD: She must have left some forwarding
address. Now, please, Mrs Weiss.
MRS WElSS: I don't know anything about it.
DAVlD: You don't seem to realise
we want to help her. We're friends of hers.
Can't you understand that?
MRS WElSS: Oh, believe me,
I should drop dead.
I could swear on anything. I can swear...
(DUCK QUACKlNG)
You've got that girl here.
Oh, Dad,
you're just making a fool of yourself.
Look, she did mention an aunt
out West somewhere...
(QUACKlNG)
You're not going to take this baby.
I've stood enough.
-I don't care what you say.
-Please listen.
I'm not trying to take your baby away.
You see, I started out thinking
that I only wanted to help you.
And then a while ago,
when I thought you'd gone away,
I realised I was in love with you.
So, will you please marry me? Hmm?
What about the ready-made family?
Of all the families, you and Johnnie...
Ha! I knew it.
Dad, I have something to confess.
I am the father of that baby.
Those are the first true words
you've spoken today.
Come on, Johnnie. We're going home.
I've got a surprise for you.
We're gonna be married tonight.
And you still think
I'm the mother of that baby?
Of course.
POLLY: Ha ha.