1
(somber music)
(woman humming)
(door bell ringing)
[Child] Trick or treat.
[Woman] Hi.
Oh, you guys look so cute here.
Alright, for you as well.
Alright.
[Child] Happy Halloween.
[Woman] Okay kids,
Happy Halloween.
(woman chuckles)
(door creaking)
(knife slicing)
(dramatic music)
(woman panting)
No right.
You had no right to...
(woman mumbles)
(woman screams)
(knife slicing)
(woman crying)
[Woman] Baby Mark.
(woman crying)
(eerie music)
[Man] Fuck!
(knife slicing)
(children chattering)
(door creaking)
[Man] Honey, I'm home.
(girl spitting)
(somber tinkling music)
(birds chirping)
(moving to ominous music)
(school bell ringing)
[Principal] Happy
Halloween, students.
Masks will not be
permitted on campus today.
So, if you have a mask...
Tommy, mask, off!
[Principal] Please place
it inside your locker
and leave it there until
the end of the school day.
Thank you for your understanding
and cooperation, students.
And, have a blessed holiday.
Hey, Mama, what's your name?
My name is Mrs. Block
and I start teaching
here next week.
Why?
Because I'm a teacher
and it's my job.
No, I mean, why here?
Mrs. Block, Principal
Dale will see you now.
Thank you.
It was nice
meeting you, Tommy.
Call me.
[Secretary] God damn
it, Tommy, stop hitting
on every woman who walks
in here or I will end you.
(girls giggling)
So, how is small town life
treating you, Mrs. Block?
Well, I mean, there's
some adjustments for sure,
but, uh, it's nice.
[Principal Dale] Where
are you from originally,
Los Angeles, if
my memory serves?
Yes, my husband and I are
both native to Los Angeles.
And, you taught
middle school out there.
Yes, for about eight years.
(chuckles) Oh, that
must've been hell.
It's not as bad as you might
imagine or may have heard.
I'm sure, but I
have heard stories.
What kinda stories?
Oh, you know, troubled
youth stories, hooligans,
Los Angeles ne'er-do-wells.
I mean, there are
certainly some bad apples,
but I can assure you that is
not a California relegation.
(chuckles) Sure, sure.
But truthfully, this whole
world has gone to hell
in a hand basket and
not just Los Angeles.
We have to watch these kids
closer than ever before,
keep an eye out.
These kids, they're dangerous.
They're dangerous now.
I'm sure I'll do just fine.
Are you a God-fearing woman?
Are you asking me
if I'm religious?
I'm asking you if you
fear the good Lord on high.
I'm sorry, Principal
Dale, I'm struggling
to understand how that
question is relevant.
[Principal Dale] It's not.
Consider it a personal
inquiry on my behalf.
Okay, then I would say that
I am agnostic, if anything.
I don't subscribe to a
particular core belief system.
Oh, I see.
You're one of those
science people.
Well, never mind.
Look, Mrs. Block...
Call me Ella.
Mrs. Block.
Now, you may be used to
certain teaching methods
back where you're from
and I, and by I, I mean,
the board, respect that.
But, what you have to respect is
this is a very particular town
with a very particular
way of life,
way of belief, way of education.
If you can adapt to
that with an open mind,
you'll fit in just fine.
You come highly
recommended and frankly,
I thank the good
Lord that you're here
because we could certainly use
someone with your background.
I just don't wanna
have any issues.
There won't be any.
[Principal Dale]
Great, then I'm excited
to see you here come Monday.
Okay, see you Monday.
Oh, Mrs. Block,
Happy Halloween.
(somber music)
(birds chirping)
(phone vibrating)
(alarm chirping)
You set the alarm?
I don't wanna sleep all day.
[Robert] I thought you
had a meeting this morning.
I did.
I came back home and got in bed
just to sleep for half an hour.
Get up.
Honey, even God
took a day off work.
This moving is kicking my
ass six ways from Sunday
and I don't like it.
There's a veritable
boatload of boxes
crying to be unpacked.
We can't let their cries
go unheard for very long.
We don't wanna look like bums.
But, everyone think
we're bums, who?
Who's gonna think we're bums?
We don't know
anybody in this town.
Not for long, shiny
personalities such as ours
need other similar
auras to thrive.
Honey, I start work tonight,
Halloween Night,
at the hospital.
Brother needs to sleep.
Do you know how many candy
apple-related child injuries
I'm gonna have to deal with?
Makes me sad just
thinking about it.
[Ella] Fine, be a bum.
Okay, I will.
I'm going to do
some unpacking.
Coffee, stat.
[Ella] Yeah, yeah.
Why do we even
have this still?
It's a giant R.
[Ella] Coffee stat, my ass.
Coffee, coffee, no.
Da da da da da
Da da da da da
Honey, is that you?
No, it's not.
[Robert] Hey,
you wanna join me?
Sorry, too busy
for copulation.
[Robert] Come on, we gotta
break in the new place.
[Ella] There's a cup of
coffee for you on the tub.
(Robert grunts)
Hey, hey, if I use,
if I use curly shampoo
on my head, will it
make my hair curly?
God save me.
You're stressing yourself out.
[Ella] I'm not
stressing myself out.
You're worrying.
I'm not worrying.
We should hire day laborers.
You trust day
laborers with our stuff?
Racist.
No, it has nothing
to do with race.
[Robert] You know
what this house needs?
[Ella] Organization?
A pumpkin.
Why the hell do
we need a pumpkin?
It's Halloween.
Wow, is it?
Lady, you're oblivious.
Are you not aware of
your surroundings?
Forgive me.
Are you gonna rinse that?
Eventually.
I'm gonna head to the
supermarket we saw
on the way into town.
There's a supermarket
on the way into town?
Oblivious.
Robert, we just have so
much to do around here.
We don't need to waste
our time decorating.
I'm gonna cut you off there.
We totally can waste
time decorating.
It's the best part
of being an adult.
You get to pick and choose
when to be responsible.
And, plus, I'm not even
saying we whole hog it.
I'm simply suggesting
that we carve a silly face
into a pumpkin to
help center us.
I'm centered.
You're also a liar, not
a very convincing one,
but a liar nonetheless.
Fine, get your stupid pumpkin.
But, no candy.
I prefer not to have to
field a myriad of knocks
from expectant hungry
kids all night.
God, you're lame.
I have shit to do, understand?
I need keys.
[Ella] Pivot your head
a little to your right.
Really?
That's the first
thing you unpack.
Organization, that's
what this place needs.
Well, it also needs a pumpkin.
Have fun unpacking.
Thanks.
(Ella sighs)
Rinsing.
Accomplishment.
(bird chirping)
It's gonna be a long day.
(sighs)
(somber music)
(loud knocking)
Who is it?
[Mrs. Dekker] Woo hoo.
Hi, it's Mrs. Dekker.
I'm your neighbor next door.
I wanted to welcome you
to the neighborhood.
Weirdo.
Well, that's a bad idea,
if ever I've seen one.
What is?
Well, I didn't hear
you unlock the door,
which leads me to believe
that you didn't lock it.
Which is a very bad idea.
Sorry.
Oh no, don't be sorry to me.
Be sorry to your
future terrorized self.
(laughs)
I baked you a pie.
Oh, that's very kind of you.
It's got Halloween theme
and little bite-sized
goodies in it.
(giggles)
Thank you.
You are so welcome.
Uh, did you wanna come in?
Oh no, no, I've been
in that whole house
many, many times.
No snooping notions for
this old hag (laughs).
No, I just, I really just
wanted to welcome you
to the neighborhood and to
give you a little
word of warning.
Oh, if it's about
locking the door,
just consider that noted.
My husband just left.
No, it's a word of warning
about the neighborhood.
You see, you being new and
it's such a nice street.
It looks like it was ripped
out of a Rockwell painting,
but there is one bad apple.
His name is Samuel and
he is a sex offender.
I figured since you're
new that you didn't get
that whole door-to-door
admission of guilt thing.
Yeah.
[Ella] Yeah, no, thank
you for telling me.
Yeah, he worked over at the
elementary school on Madison.
And, you know where Madison is?
No, I can't say that I do.
It's right by here and well,
he was caught cavorting
with his students.
Yeah.
Kids, just children, really.
Well, thank you for the pie.
Oh yeah, yeah,
you're so welcome.
Um (chuckles).
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Oh, God damn it.
Hey, I'm back.
Hard at work I see.
(somber music)
Honey, I'm home.
Shit!
I'm beginning to
question your work ethic.
Can't hold your breath forever.
Fine, if that's how
you wanna play it.
Ass, turn it off.
You ruined my perfectly
relaxing bath.
[Robert] That
was my intention.
Ass.
You said that already.
I was taking a break.
From working oh so hard.
Yeah, I got a lot
of unpacking done.
Not, I saw one box in the
living room that was empty.
Did you check the kitchen?
No, should I have?
If you had checked the
kitchen, you presumptuous fool,
you would've seen the results
of the bulk of my labor.
And, I guess I'm just
supposed to take a report.
You're my husband.
You're supposed to take my
word on everything always.
Oh Christ, is that
what I signed up for,
blind suppositions
and constant nagging?
Constant nagging, my ass.
Get out!
No.
[Robert] But, I totally
(mumbles) the temperature buzz
with that water stunt.
Actually, it's
quite comfortable.
I think you should get in.
I should most definitely
not do as you are suggesting.
Because I got a trunk full of
pumpkins that need retrieving
then carving before I gotta
haul ass to the hospital.
Pumpkins not pumpkin,
meaning plural?
Plethora.
Oh God.
[Robert] I can't be trusted
when seasonally shopping.
What can I say, I
festive by nature.
Well, I've made a decision.
About what?
I think that you
must take a dip.
What?
No, no, no.
(Ella giggles)
Yes.
General etiquette lesson,
just putting this out there.
If you're going to dunk
someone in a tub of water
against their will, it is
just polite to have a towel
waiting for them.
A real towel, not a hand towel
the size of a
Muppet's loincloth.
You drew first blood.
My actions were
purely reactionary.
What the hell are these doing
in the dining room, anyway?
You gonna help me with
these pumpkins now?
Must I?
For better or worse.
This truly falls into
the latter category.
Depends how you look at it.
Where's the blow dryer
and my cardigan?
(school bell ringing)
You know these chairs
should have your names on 'em.
You're up here sitting
in 'em so much.
Your teacher asked you politely
to please remove the masks.
Politely.
Like a human being.
Principal Dale, I'm
gonna take my lunch now.
That's fine.
Just let me know
when you get back.
Okay.
Did you see what I did there?
That was being human.
(heart beating)
All right, you need
to remove your masks.
Give 'em to me.
I'll get 'em back to you
at the end of the day.
[Girl] No!
(tankard rattling)
(ominous music)
(Principal Dale moaning)
(Principal Dale crying)
Principal Dale.
(ominous music)
(receptionist screaming)
(birds chirping)
How much did all this cost?
Not much.
How much is not much?
Not much is not much.
Stop being a (mumbles).
I know not the
meaning of the word.
Come now, let's get
busy before I have to
rush off the hospital for a
night of charcoal feeding,
alcohol abusing college cretins.
Yeah.
[Ella] Jesus.
What's wrong?
(ominous music)
Wow.
Who the hell is that?
The resident pederast.
Are you kidding me?
No.
Our lovely neighbor, who I
assume is the resident busybody
informed me of his
presence while you were out
participating in
pumpkin palooza.
Why is he just
standing there like that?
I know not the minds
of sexual deviants.
Hey, be kind.
He may be reformed.
I'll go talk to him.
Hey there, buddy.
Uh, my name is Robert.
My wife, Ella, and I just
moved to the neighborhood.
(birds chirping)
Okay.
Hey, look I was just curious
why you were, you know,
standing here in
front of my house.
It's a free country.
I can stand here if I want.
Fair enough.
Anyway, hey could you
do me a neighborly solid
and you know, not
lecherously stand here?
It's creeping my wife out.
No problem.
I don't wanna creep anybody
out, not on Halloween.
There's enough
creepiness in the air.
Yeah.
Name's Samuel.
You can just call me
the resident pederast.
Everyone else seems to.
Well, that sure as shit took
the piss out of my Halloween.
What the hell happened?
You need to keep your
voice down from now on, okay?
[Ella] What do you mean?
I need to Clorox the
first layer of skin
off my palm, forgive me.
Are you mad at me?
He heard what you
called him, Ella.
What did I call him?
The resident pederast.
That's what he is.
Be that as it
may, he's creepy,
he lives across the street,
and he's got an
alleged rap sheet.
How the hell did he hear me?
I didn't scream it and I
think there's enough space
between our house and
where he's standing.
I don't know and I don't care.
All I'm saying is that
was super awkward,
in a super awkward, throat cut
in the middle of the night,
sort of way.
I beseech you.
Put on the guise of forward
thinking whenever that man
is within earshot.
(sighs)
Now, my palm burns.
I'm sorry.
I didn't think he could hear me.
But, forgive me offending
someone with that kind
of transgressive past
isn't gonna cause me
to lose any sleep at night.
And, that's not
what I care about.
Call him whatever you
want on a piece of paper
that'll end up in your
angry letter drawer,
but when a human being may
be able to audibly pick up
on your negative feelings,
I'm just saying be careful.
I don't want him
hating us, hating you,
and then acting on some
sort of nefarious impulses
he may be harboring.
Now, may I please carve
a God damn pumpkin?
Please.
(somber tinkling music)
[Man] Whoa.
(sighs)
(fabric tearing)
He's alive
He's alive!
All right, be
careful, psychopath.
I have created the
perfect jack-o'-lantern.
I'm so proud of you.
Hey, I worked hard for this.
Get off your ass and
come bask in the glory.
What the hell is
that abomination?
What, it's a
portrait of my grandpa.
Okay, there are so many
things wrong with this.
A, was your grandfather Hitler?
And, B, why would
you carve a portrait,
and I use the term
portrait very loosely,
into a pumpkin?
I have no idea how you
get Hitler from this.
Just look at his mustache,
and his Jew-hating eyes.
Those aren't Jew-hating eyes.
Those are kindly old man eyes.
Used to carve pumpkins
with my grandfather
when I was a kid.
That is adorable and the
perfect way to announce
our anti-Semitism
to the neighborhood.
All this work for nothing.
All right, I gotta go
ready for my shift.
Okay, but be cool about
what lights you turn on.
I don't want anyone stopping
by expecting any treats
of any sort.
[Robert] Yeah, yeah, lame-o.
(crickets chirping)
(eggs thudding)
(eggs thudding)
Shit.
(gasps)
What the fuck?
Jimmy.
What the fuck?
(light knocking)
[Girl] You can have it.
(woman screaming)
(dramatic music)
Stop.
Get away from me.
No!
(woman screaming)
(dramatic music)
Oh no!
No, don't.
(gun firing)
(crickets chirping)
(eerie music)
Lights.
Way to listen, husband of mine.
(light knocking)
Who is it?
[Girl] Trick or treat.
[Ella] Sorry, we
don't have any candy.
Maybe next year.
(ominous music)
(gentle piano music)
(light footsteps tapping)
(dramatic music)
Jesus!
Sorry (chuckles).
What the hell are
you doing out here?
Disappointing children,
that's what I'm doing.
Huh?
Somebody knocked on the door.
You left the light
on the stairs on.
It doubles as a homing beacon
for candy-seeking munchkins.
Well, what did
you expect me to do,
stumble blindly up the stairs,
trip and fall to my death.
Go back inside, scrubs,
it's cold out here.
Why don't you wear a cardigan?
Yeah, a cardigan.
(ominous music)
(door slamming)
(Samuel vocalizing)
Oh, my Life Alert.
Please don't fail me now.
(vocalizing)
Look at you.
Hello.
(ominous music)
(chuckles)
The perfect mate.
Smiley face, smiley
face, smiley face.
You missed me, didn't you?
Didn't you?
(chuckles)
(eerie music)
(vocalizing)
[Girl] Trick or treat.
Don't you know,
I'm not allowed
to celebrate Halloween anymore?
Not legally.
Ultra totalitarianism
at its finest.
(heavy pounding)
Yeah.
Who the hell is it?
[Girl] Fucking
cunt, open the door.
[Samuel] What the fuck.
[Girl] Open the door,
open the door let us in,
let us in, trick or treat.
(door slamming)
(Samuel sighs)
Trick or treat.
(door slamming)
I don't know who
the fuck you are,
but when I find you, I'm
gonna rip your fucking heart
out of your fucking chest.
Come on.
What the fuck?
(laughs)
Very funny.
I used to pull that fucking
shit when I was a kid.
But, the best trick
is when you take...
What, what the fuck?
[Girl] How 'bout a
little fire, Scarecrow?
You're a fucking psycho.
(ominous music)
(groans)
You're fucking hilarious.
Now, get the fuck
out of my house.
Or, on second thought,
maybe stick around
and maybe we can see
what's under this mask.
(ax slicing)
(dramatic music)
(Samuel groaning)
[Girl] Bend, bend.
Silly rabbit.
Tricks are for kids.
All right, lock all
the doors and windows
and all that jazz.
See, you in the morning.
You look pensive.
[Ella] I am pensive.
Why are you pensive?
I'm just a little
freaked out, Robert.
Why?
I don't know.
I'm going to be home
alone, in a new house,
in a new town, on Halloween
and you're going to work.
That's why I told you to
lock all the doors and windows.
[Ella] We live next
door to a pedophile.
Well, you're no
his type, obviously.
[Ella] Is that funny?
It's a little funny.
It's not funny at all.
Look, nothing is
going to happen, okay?
Today you were so mad at
me because I opened my mouth
and that nasty guy heard
me and now you're saying
everything is gonna be okay.
The hospital's a
couple miles away.
I have my phone on me and
if there's an emergency,
I can be home in
10 seconds flat.
Fine, but it's
not 10 seconds flat.
Fine, it's totally
10 seconds flat.
Fine.
Happy Halloween.
I hate you.
I love you, too.
(ominous music)
(hard knocking)
It's too late, shop's closed.
(heavy pounding)
There is no more candy.
Come back next year.
Little cretins.
(loud thudding)
(ominous music)
(boots thudding)
What the fuck are you
doing in my house?
Get the fuck outta my house.
(woman screaming)
(ax slicing)
(woman moaning)
You poor bastard.
Great night to have your first.
(yawning) You're telling me.
If I have to pump
anymore charcoal tonight,
I swear to God,
I'm gonna lose it.
(eerie music)
Is there any coffee
in this place?
Um, you know, I would
check in the break room
where coffee usually lives.
All right.
Yeah, yeah.
What's your name by the way.
Robert.
Macy.
Good luck.
Thanks.
(Macy sighs)
(ominous music)
(phone ringing)
Hey Mom.
[Mom] Happy Halloween, honey.
Yeah, Happy Halloween.
Where are you?
[Mom] Your father
and I are at a party.
So, you're smashed.
[Mom] I'm not smashed.
I am your mother.
I most assuredly do not...
You're my mother, so you
most assuredly are smashed.
[Mom] I resent that.
To what do I owe the honor
of this telephonic reach out?
[Mom] Just saying hi
and Happy Halloween.
Well, hi and Happy Halloween.
[Mom] Am I annoying you?
No, no you're not.
[Mom] You sound distant.
I'm just watching a
movie and unpacking.
[Mom] Oh, yeah?
How is that going?
Fantastic.
(loud knocking)
Can I call you later?
There's somebody at the door.
[Mom] Of course there is.
It's Halloween.
I know, but I'm not really
celebrating this year.
Can I call you back?
[Mom] Are you actually
gonna call me back?
Yes, bye.
(loud pounding)
Wow, God.
When I was a kid, I took a hint.
(loud pounding)
Fuck this.
Who is it?
[Girl] Trick or treat.
(ominous music)
Look, I don't have any candy.
I don't have treats of any kind.
No pennies, no rotten apples,
no razor blades, nothing.
Like, come back next year.
Sorry.
(slow knocking)
Did you not hear me?
(heavy knocking)
Go away.
(sighs)
[Robert] Hello, you've
reached Robert's cell.
Leave a message at the tone
or at the beep or whatever.
I'm, this is terrible.
Please leave a message.
Thanks for the effort.
(phone beeping)
Hi, it's me.
I know it's your
first day of work.
I understand that.
But, I'm scared.
If you could just do me a
favor and give me a call back
when you get a chance.
One of those calming, there's
nothing to be afraid of,
reassuring calls.
I could really use it.
I love you.
(sighs)
You're going crazy, Ella.
You're going crazy.
(ominous music)
You're going fucking crazy.
(sighs)
Is that it?
Is that all you got?
(alarm beeping)
(eerie music)
Hello.
Who's in here?
(panting)
(dramatic music)
(moving to ominous music)
(cell phone clattering)
(door creaking)
(knife slicing)
(Ella screaming)
(panting)
(ominous music)
(plate shattering)
(Ella screaming)
Fuck!
(plates shattering)
(Ella screaming)
Stop it!
(plates shattering)
(Ella screaming)
(Ella screaming)
(dramatic music)
(light knocking)
(Ella screaming)
Oh fuck!
Fuck!
(groaning)
(knife clattering)
(loud knocking)
(Ella screaming)
Who the fuck are you?
Why the fuck are you
doing this to me?
[Girls] Trick or
treat (giggling).
(Ella panting)
I can hear you breathing.
(door rattling)
(Ella screaming)
[Girls] Trick or
treat (giggling).
[Operator] Your emergency
call is now being dialed.
Please stand by.
(Samuel groaning)
[Doctor] Clear the area.
[Doctor] Clear the room.
[Doctor] Multiple stab wounds.
(Samuel groaning)
[Doctor] Hold on.
Get an IV started.
(Samuel coughing)
I gotta call my wife.
[Macy] Where are you going?
Come on, Ella, pick up.
Come on.
Clear your voicemail.
[Macy] Hey, what happened?
I'm sorry.
I know that guy.
Yeah, we all know that guy.
He lives across
the street from us.
He scared my wife and I
just got a message from her
saying she was scared.
Oh, she's scared
on Halloween night.
How surprising.
Look, I thought your
sarcasm was funny before,
and believe me, I'm the
reigning king of sarcasm,
but right now, it's not helping.
Look, did you see the
thing around his throat?
What?
[Macy] The thing that looks
like a garage door opener.
Yeah.
It's called Life Alert.
Geriatrics usually wear it.
If they fall and break a
hip, they can press a button
that alerts us to
come help them.
Sometimes people who get
themselves in a lot of trouble
wear them as well.
Like Samuel.
Trying to calm me down?
(sighing) I'm trying to
get you to think rationally.
The law of probability says
that, yes, your wife's scared.
She's home alone,
but she's not cut up
into a million pieces.
(sad music)
At home, shit like this
would happen all the time.
Thought moving here,
getting out of L.A.
would make it easier, but...
We lost a child.
We were so happy.
Freshly married,
freshly parents.
The most beautiful baby
girl you've ever seen.
She wasn't healthy.
We didn't know until one
morning she wasn't breathing.
She had passed in the night.
[Macy] What was her name?
Melissa.
Fuck it.
Can you talk to me for a second?
Are you there?
Oh God damn it.
If you're there
can you just knock?
(light knocking)
(somber music)
Okay, all right,
thank you for that.
What did I do to you?
Why are you doing this?
Can you just answer those
two questions, please?
Don't I deserve to know?
(ominous piano music)
Okay.
Well, if I'm going to die here,
which it seems
like I'm going to.
You're gonna kill
me, both of you.
If that's the case, can you
just answer me one question?
Not why you're here or
what did I do to you?
But, just another question?
[Girl] Okay.
How old are you?
How old are both of you?
[Girl] Five.
[Girl] Seven.
[Girl] 32.
[Girl] 56.
[Girl] 13.
[Girl] 46.
[Girl] 34.
[Girl] 600.
[Girl] 16.
[Girl] 40.
[Girl] 142.
[Girl] 147.
[Girl] 67.
[Girl] Two.
[Girl] 101.
[Girl] Four.
[Girl] 100.
[Girl] 100.
[Girl] 14.
[Girl] 14.
She was our world
for that short time.
My wife, Ella, it hit her hard.
I mean, it hit me hard,
but I didn't wanna
lose her, too.
You know that happens so often.
You lose a child and then
your marriage falls apart.
Better worse, in all honesty,
but I couldn't lose her,
I just couldn't.
Losing my daughter destroyed me,
but I had to be strong.
I have to be strong.
My wife, she's a teacher.
She loves kids.
She was so happy when
Melissa was born.
And, I mean, it was a
hellish labor process too.
But, she seemed to
revel in it, you know.
As if she could see
with, as if she could see
in her heart what was at
the end of the rainbow.
This perfect amalgamation
of her and I.
Our child.
I don't know how she does it.
She's got a job at the
local middle school.
She's jumping back
on the saddle.
I can't imagine
what that's like.
Being a mother for so
short a time and then
having to be around
kids five days a week.
I just don't know.
I like you, Robert.
I'm glad you're here.
And, I hate everyone.
(Robert chuckles)
I hate the doctors,
the nursing staff.
Actually, I hate
the entire town.
Everyone's just so boring.
[Robert] Yeah, can
tell that already.
Go be with your wife.
No, you're right,
it's probably nothing.
Go home to your wife.
I'll cover for you.
It's still Halloween.
It's far past
Halloween at this point.
Technicalities.
Happy Halloween.
Thank you.
(hatchet pounding)
(ominous music)
(moving to dramatic music)
(chanting music)
(Ella grunting)
(girls laughing)
(eerie music)
Honey, I'm home.
Ella.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh my God.
Ella!
(dramatic music)
(knife slicing)
(Robert screaming)
Where's my wife?
Where's my wife?
(ominous music)
(whippoorwill cooing)
(sad piano music)
(eerie music)
Just kill me.
That's what you want, right?
That's why you're doing this,
because I didn't
answer the door.
Because I didn't give
you a fucking treat.
And, so you kill my husband.
Just kill me.
Wait.
(dramatic music)
(sad piano music)
(Ella crying)
(ominous music)
Uh, I fucking hate Halloween.
I told you being a sexy
(mumbles) was a stupid idea.
I look ugly and fat.
Nothing good ever happens
on Halloween ever.
In fact, mostly bad things
happen on Halloween.
I'm so fat, I just
wanna eat chocolate.
But, I can't have any chocolate
because then I'll get fatter.
[Woman] Wait, you don't
know what happened here?
Here?
Like here, here?
She doesn't know.
Wait, something happened here.
And I assume whatever
the something is,
is something bad.
Something happened
here and neither of you
until this moment have
felt the need to tell me?
Well, count us as
shitty friends then.
But, is Halloween night, so I
guess we should tell you now.
That's great, tell her now.
[Pregnant Woman]
I hate you guys.
I would say stop if
you've heard this before,
but we've already
established that you haven't,
so I'm just gonna run my mouth.
Run it, run it,
run it, run it.
Okay, I get to
tell a ghost story.
I am so amped.
It was Halloween night.
(woman giggling)
What?
Shut up, I'm having fun.
You guys are
literally the worst.
Go on, I'll be a good girl.
Thank you cuz.
It was Halloween night.
[Woman] 15 years ago.
Was it?
Doesn't seem like that long ago.
It was forever ago.
Well, the first part was.
[Woman] The second
part was last year.
Guys.
Okay, okay.
It was Halloween night
and there was this woman.
She was knocked up
to hell and back.
Oh my God, like you!
There are no words for
how annoyed I'm getting.
Well, this pregnant bitch...
Why do you have to be so ugly?
Fine, pregnant broad.
Thank you.
This pregnant
broad, she was dating
this total piece of shit.
You guys remember
my cousin Trish?
Who doesn't know Trish?
Every throbbing cock
in town knows Trish.
Yeah, yeah.
Go on.
This Katy dude, my cousin
Trish, she knows him.
Well, knew him, for that matter.
He used to frequent
Barney's, that piece of shit
along the wall, pseudo
dive bar at the (mumbles).
And, this happened
when she sees the dude,
well he knocked her up.
But, this chick, well, he was
abusive, total piece of shit.
Verbal meets physical and
this grand perfect storm
of fuck you machismo.
Well she gets wise and
she leaves the dude.
But, she's already attached
to this burgeoning vermin
inside of her.
Like she's so excited.
She always wanted
to be a mother.
Forget the sperm sprayer who
put the two kids inside of her.
Wait, twins?
(ominous music)
You are the worst
storyteller ever.
Fuck and you.
What do you mean?
I am a great storyteller.
No you're not.
Spoiler alert, that
the kids are twins.
You might as well just
tell the audience...
Okay, guys, I'm kinda freaked
out by this whole thing.
Apparently something horrible
happened in the house
in which I dwell and
my two best friends
decided not to tell me
until I moved my ass in.
So, if you could finish the
rest of the story, please.
They were twins.
Are.
Who's ruining the
story now, bitch?
[Woman] Sorry, go on.
This skeezy dude, he's
spurned because she dropped
the mother fucker
like a bad habit.
Girl power.
Well, she started
dating another buck.
Nice guy.
But, still on the low proverbial
end of the higher class.
But, still a nice guy.
Well, this guy, man,
he can't take it,
her running around
with this new beau
while carrying his kids.
No!
No, sir.
And, one Halloween night.
15 years ago.
He snaps.
And, he stabs her in the belly
right here in this kitchen.
(ominous music)
Are you fucking kidding me?
He stabbed her seven times.
Six.
It was seven.
I promise you it was six.
I swear to you it was seven.
Google.
Okay, guys, please.
I'm kinda freaked out by
this whole thing right now.
I don't care if it was six
or seven or 12 or 30 times.
A pregnant woman, pregnant,
got stabbed in my kitchen?
[Both Friends] Yeah.
Okay, never mind you
worthless slags not telling me,
but shouldn't my landlord?
I mean, God, this is something
they're supposed to reveal
at some point, right?
[Woman] Well, yes and
no, but it just depends.
That's the end of the story.
She dies.
I bet.
But, the kids didn't.
14 years later, those two girls,
those twins of evil,
those bad apples
born out of violence,
they took to the streets,
one Halloween night years ago.
Lord knows why they
chose that year.
You're talking about now.
It was the same year
as you moved to town, no.
How did I not know about this?
They start going door to
door knocking arbitrarily.
No rhyme, no fucking reason.
But, if you weren't celebrating,
if you didn't have
your lights on, oh man,
did they have a treat for you.
Technically tricks really.
They killed a pedophile.
You know the one that
did the little draws kids
waiting to the area.
Oh, those poor little angels.
Good riddance to the
bad rubbish on that guy.
They kill a
trailer trash broad.
Some old chick.
But, the really sad one, was
this teacher gal's husband.
They kept her alive to deal with
all the pain and the misery.
Yeah, I see, I figured
you were aware of this.
This is some really
fucked up shit.
Those two brats,
they totally cut...
No!
No.
That's the best part.
This is my time.
Fine, go ahead then.
Those two little brats,
they carved into his chest
a fucking jack-o'-lantern.
I have to fucking
show you the pictures.
I think it's on run.com.
[Woman] Really?
I'll look it up.
Google it, bitch.
Guys, I don't wanna
hear this anymore.
I know that I said the
male entry was the best part.
But, really,
this, this is the best part.
Those two bad bitches,
they're still alive.
What?
(giggles) See, that's
the part I don't believe.
What, it's true.
They never found
the bodies, I swear.
Okay, ladies, I'm done.
It's time for bed.
We have had a blast.
I need to go to bed.
(woman mumbles)
Have a carrot.
Ow.
(crickets chirping)
(loud knocking)
(loud knocking)
(ominous music)
(loud knocking)
(loud knocking)
(loud knocking)
(loud thudding)
Okay, (mumbles).
It just wasn't.
I'm fine.
(loud knocking)
(mumbles)
(loud knocking)
(mumbles)
(loud knocking)
(door creaking)
And, it was fucking nothing.
(door creaking)
(eerie music)
(somber music)