[percussive music]
[music intensifies]
[distant siren blaring]
[male #1]
Your credit is based on
various factors,
and after reviewing
your history,
I'm sorry to say
you've been denied.
Denied?
You--you gotta
be shittin' us.
There's gotta be
some mistake.
I have a mortgage
that I pay on time.
- Yeah.
- I understand, Mr. Vega,
but like I said,
there's other factors.
You've opened up
another credit line,
which you're completely
maxed out on.
Look, Mr., uh,
Guillermo Gomez.
My friend Bernie, this--
this is his second liver surgery
in--in six months.
We have 10 prescriptions
that we have to fill
every two weeks.
[door opening forcefully]
Nobody move!
[screaming]
Listen up!
I want everybody
on the floor!
I want your palms
flat on the ground!
That means you too, old man!
God damn, Frank.
Man, why don't you watch
what you're doing, man?
I'm sorry, Bernie.
It was an accident!
[male #2]
Hey! What the hell
are you doing?
It cost me $190 to refill
this God damn prescription--
Oh, it cost you $190?
I want you to know that came out
of my disability check!
Oh, now you gonna hold that
over my head now?
I see how it works now.
It's tit for tat, huh?
No, no,
it's only tit for tat...
when tat actually
does something for tit.
You're one ungrateful asshole.
You know that?
Screw you!
Wrong move, asshole.
[dramatic music]
[grunting]
On the ground now!
[grunts]
[groaning]
Deez nuts!
[hip hop music]
[grunting]
[groaning]
[Bernie]
Deez nuts!
Using only a walker
and an autographed baseball,
two elderly men managed
to stop a robbery in progress.
[speaking Spanish]
So I hope the bank
ultimately gave you a loan.
Nope. But they gave us
somethin' else.
A God damn certificate
for a job well done.
[chuckling]
Isn't this some shit?
Look at me, man.
I'm prettier
than Denzel.
Shoot.
[cell phone buzzing]
[laughing]
[beeps]
[Bernie]
Who's that?
[sighs]
Rosaria.
She liking Arizona?
It's Florida. Uh--
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's--she's, uh--
She's doing
all right.
Sorry, man.
No, no, it's-it's--
You know, it's wonderful, man.
I'm really happy for her.
Rosaria's got
a really good job, and...
Julia's going to
a much better school.
I'm really happy for 'em.
[phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
- Hello?
- You cheatin' on me, Frank?
'Cause I'll be damned
if you the toughest man
to get in touch with.
Carmen, mi amor.
- What's happening?
- Oh, nothin' much.
Besides the fact that
I'm getting married!
[squeals]
- What?
- Yes!
His name is Geoffrey.
We met six weeks ago.
We fit together
like molasses and pie.
I've never connected with
someone like this before, Frank.
Oh, that's great.
I can't wait to meet him.
[Carmen]
Well, you're gonna get
your chance this weekend.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yup.
And you and Green Machine
are in my wedding party.
Pack your things, boys.
You comin' down to Baton Rouge.
[giggles]
[Frank]
That's wonderful, Carmen.
And we would love
to be there, but, uh--
you know what, right now
Bernie and I are going through
some financial difficulties--
Shut your pie hole, Franklin.
You're not gonna have to pay
for anything, cheap-ass.
Daddy's pickin' up the tab.
You know what, that's really
generous of your father, but--
But nothin', Vega.
I already emailed you
your flight arrangements. This
is a paid vacation for you boys.
So pack up
your damn fanny pack
and bring y'all asses
down here
before I fly out there
and drag you by your earlobes.
[line clicks]
[upbeat rock music]
[sighs]
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
This shit don't agree with me
one bit, man.
I told you,
fish on an airplane.
Man, they don't mix.
[groans]
Oh, shit.
[groaning]
I gotta hit
the bathroom.
[groaning]
[doorknob rattles]
Son of a bitch.
[toilet flushes]
Oh, yeah.
[mellow music]
Hey, little lady.
What you got for dessert?
[zipper zips]
[chuckling]
At this point in my life,
I just don't have time
for relationships.
But I do have time
for one-nighters though.
Are you open to one-nighters,
Bernie?
One-nighters,
two-nighters--
however long it takes.
[male #3]
Excuse me, sir,
but you're going to have
to return to your assigned seat.
This is my assigned seat.
[male #3]
Can I see your boarding pass,
please?
Come on, man.
Give me a break.
[chuckles]
- It's been a pleasure.
- Bye.
You cock-blocking son of a--
[pilot]
Ladies and gentlemen,
as we start
our descent into Baton Rouge,
local time is 3:00 PM,
and temperature is
a cool 65 degrees.
[male singer #1]
Hey
[funky music]
Oh
Mmm. Nothing like the smell
of the Deep South.
Mmm.
Is that us?
[Frank]
I don't think there's another
Vega/Pope in Louisiana.
Gentlemen, my name is Hung.
- May I take your bags, please?
- I got this, homie.
- I--I got this.
- Sir, I insist.
Shit, you can take mine.
[rap music]
After you, sir.
Boy, I could get used to this.
[laughing]
[rapper #1]
Pick the best out
soon as they enter my flow
I'm like the US super British
say, I'm still in the show
Like step in my lane, trust
every step that I'm taking
I'm headed right to the top
until I'm famous
My words are drawings
you stare at in amazement
You pray that I fall,
I'm sorry that I made it
Know what the state of bein'
not jaded feels like?
Where the perception matters
more than real life
Your dream car takes space
in my yard
Got investments in Mars,
like to shoot for the stars
- Look
- Oh, look at how we shine
- This is the life
- House on the hill
- This is the life
- Packin' no bills
- This is the life
- Uh-huh, uh-huh
- This is the life
- Look at how we shine
- This is the life
- House on the hill
- This is the life
- Packin' no bills
- This is the life
- Uh-huh, uh-huh
[rapper #1]
Yeah, picture this,
takin' off the whole summer
When bill collectors call
"You must have the wrong
number"
Shows overseas,
they got love for me
But best believe I'm touring
Belize just for me
Oh, I'm getting in my grind,
it's relentless
Forgetting how to use the
word "buzzard" in a sentence
They all tryin' to
fit in words by guessin'
I'm flyin' out
to unknown settings
Oh, look at how we shine
- This is the life
- House on the hill
- This is the life
- Packin' no bills
- This is the life
- Uh-huh, uh-huh
- This is the life
- Look at how we shine
- This is the life
- House on the hill
- This is the life
- Packin' no bills
- This is the life
- Uh-huh, uh-huh
[rapper #1]
Yeah, oh,
look at how we shine
- This is the life
- House on the hill
[reporter #1]
Forecast is cloudy
and windy today,
with gusts up to
40 miles per hour,
the temperature dropping
to 59 degrees this afternoon.
Ah. Yeah.
Oh, shit.
[reporter #1]
...with a high of 53.
With the winds
from the northwest...
- Oh, come on.
- ...it's currently 51 degrees.
[reporter #2]
With the Washington Monument
in the background,
the President has just arrived
off of his helicopter...
and is coming from Camp David
to spend time
with the gathering
on the White House lawn.
This is a regular appearance...
[dramatic music]
Oh, Christ!
Hey!
[Frank grunts]
Gimme the purse.
Fuck you!
Click it or ticket, asshole.
[male #4]
Take care of this shit.
[Frank]
Whoa, they grow them pretty big
here in Baton Rouge, huh?
[grunting]
All right now, big fella.
Son of a bitch.
Pow!
[growling]
Shit.
[growling]
Watch it.
[male #4]
Whoo.
I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.
[screaming]
[groans]
Ooh, my nose!
Oh, you busted my nose!
[crying]
[rock music]
- Here you go, darling.
- Oh, thank you.
You have a nice day.
Wow.
Carmen's parents live here?
- Yes, sir.
- Yeah.
Reminds me of
my vacation home.
[Carmen]
Oh!
Oh, oh!
All right, finally!
Now we can get
this party started! Oh!
- Oh.
- Oh!
Oh!
[kisses]
Damn, you look good, girl.
[giggling]
Now, you boys had your chance.
I'm a taken woman now, okay?
[laughing]
Come on in.
I wanna introduce you
to my mama and daddy, all right?
Damn, baby, if I knew
you had this much money,
I would've proposed to you
six months ago.
[all laugh]
Mama, Daddy, I want you
to meet Frank and Bernie.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Well, welcome,
gentlemen.
Thank you.
Pleasure to meet you.
And thank you for
bringing us out here.
Yeah, very generous of you.
- Ah, it's our pleasure.
- Ooh, Carmen.
You didn't tell me
how handsome they were.
[Daddy]
Hey, girl, take it easy.
[male #5]
Hey, guys.
Oh, my goodness!
Baby, what happened?
[male #5]
Oh, it was just
Kyle and his buddies.
Earl, do you see this?
[Earl]
Baby, just a little
innocent roughhousing.
Boys'll be boys.
He'll be just fine.
Son, let me introduce you
to your sister's friends
from California,
Bernie and Frank.
- What's up, guys?
- Sister?
[Carmen]
Yeah. He's my brother
from another mother.
Mama had that little
in vitro thing.
We think the egg and the sperm
got a little mixed up.
Felt all the same to me.
[Carmen]
Either way,
we love us some little Ronny.
[Earl]
Well, gentlemen, welcome. Now
let me show you to your room.
[Bernie]
My, oh, my, Earl.
This house must have
cost you a pretty penny.
Didn't cost me a dime.
Say what?
It's a family estate
passed down from generation
to generation.
It was given to
my great-great-granddaddy
post-Civil War...
as part of the agrarian reform
for black farmers.
Little did anybody know that
this house was sitting on
mineral reserves,
including oil,
which turned our family into
millionaires overnight.
Damn. Karma's a bitch,
Robert E. Lee.
[all laugh]
Ain't it the truth?
Hope you guys don't mind
sleepin' in the same room.
We got a lot of guests
stayin' over,
so the house is kinda full.
- Hey.
- Huh?
I didn't know
you were in the military.
Oh, yeah.
Spent some time in Nam
many, many years ago.
I don't even know
who that guy is anymore.
There we go.
Everything ought to be here,
but, fellas, if there's anything
else at all that you need,
please don't
hesitate to ask.
What time you sending up
the ladies?
[laughing]
After midnight.
Why so late?
[laughing]
Uh, fellas,
I just wanna say thank you
for watchin' over my little girl
while she was in LA.
It means a lot.
Carmen's a special girl.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
[cell phone buzzing]
Oh, now.
Oh, rehearsal dinner's
in less than an hour.
You guys got to get dressed.
Now I took the liberty
of hangin' up a couple suits
for you in the armoire.
I think we got
your right sizes.
One minute.
[hip hop music]
[rapper #2]
I just do what I do
See me, I just do what I do
Man, I just do what I do
Do you know about me?
I just do what I do
Let's do this.
[rapper #2]
See that?
Yeah, I just do what I do
See me,
I just do what I do
Yo, check,
let me flip this script
I feel privileged by all
who can witness this
Damn. They invited the entire
state of Louisiana.
Maybe they're just popular
or something. Whoo!
[female #1]
Gentlemen, can I tempt
your palate
to some of Louisiana's
finest mint juleps?
Don't mind if I do.
Wow, I've never seen a drink
with a plant growing out of it.
Well, that's not a plant, sir.
Those are mint sprigs.
Very refreshing.
Enjoy.
Mmm.
Mint sprigs.
Here's to.
[both chuckling]
[Carmen]
Straight outta the pages of GQ.
Damn! You boys look like
fine Southern gentlemen.
Hey, baby.
[laughing]
There you go.
Girl, I can't leave you
for two minutes
without someone hitting on you.
Oh, baby, I want you
to meet Frank and Bernie.
Boys, this is my Geoffrey.
Gentlemen, it's an honor
to finally meet you.
You must be Frank.
Pleasure.
And you must be Green Machine.
[Bernie]
Yeah. Nice to meet you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, sir.
You're getting yourself
a wonderful woman.
[Geoffrey]
Oh, I know.
I'm blessed.
Must've done something good
in a past life to deserve her.
Isn't he cute?
[light piano music]
[Earl]
Geoffrey!
- Looks like I'm being summoned.
- Mm-hm.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Sweetheart.
Nice guy.
No one has ever made me feel
the way he does,
and I've never been happier.
What happened to him?
If you don't mind me asking.
[Carmen]
He was in Afghanistan
on the front lines.
He took an IED for a buddy.
I'm sorry, Carmen.
[Carmen]
Nothing to be sorry about.
That man lives his life like
he's standin' seven feet tall.
[laughing]
[string music]
[clinking]
I wanna thank you all
for comin',
and now I'd like
to say a few words.
You know,
it's tough for a father
to watch his daughter
grow and...
then to give her away
to a stranger.
Wait a minute.
That's the speech from
her first wedding.
[all laugh]
Here it is.
It's tough for a father
to watch his daughter grow,
give her away
to some stranger,
get her back and then
give her away again.
[all laugh]
But it makes it easier when
you have a future son-in-law
like Geoffrey here. Mmm?
[applause]
Your mother and I wish you both
the very best.
[big band music]
[male #6]
Hear! Hear!
[whistles]
Okay, okay. A toast.
- A toast right now.
- Yeah.
Carmen and Geoffrey,
we wanna wish you all the best
in the world forever.
May you always have
happiness, love...
and you know what else--
you know that.
[scattered laughing]
Yeah.
[inaudible]
Mmm. Mmm.
Ahhh.
Ah, yeah.
[snoring]
[soft foreboding music]
[music darkens]
[snoring]
[men shouting]
[punches landing]
[Carmen crying]
[man groans]
Let her go!
Shut up, buddy!
Bernie!
[grunting]
Bernie!
[men shouting]
[dramatic music]
Bernie, for Christ's sakes,
help me!
[police scanner chatter]
[Bernie]
Hey, Frank!
Frank!
God damn, man!
How could you be sleeping
at a time like this?
Huh? Ow!
[groans]
Where's Carmen?
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
Somebody took her.
[chattering]
[Geoffrey]
I don't know.
Like I said,
we were sleeping
and they just barged in
and took her.
That's all I remember.
Jesus Christ,
shouldn't you all be out
looking for these bastards?
Okay, look, just calm down.
You need to understand this is
all part of the process.
I don't think you understand.
My fiance's been kidnapped!
[Earl]
Damn it, we told you.
We never heard a thing
until Frank started yellin'.
By the time we got out there,
they were gone.
I want my child.
I know, baby.
Can you give us
any type of description?
[sighs]
Well, I couldn't make out much
in the dark, but, uh...
they had ski masks and, uh,
there was a lot of 'em.
How many would you say?
Eight, ten, maybe more.
Come on, man,
how could you not know?
[Frank]
Oh, maybe because
it was pitch black,
and they all kept comin' at me,
and I didn't have any help,
Bernie!
So now you gonna blame me
for it, huh?
Okay, gentlemen.
Let's not bicker.
It's not gonna help us
get her back.
You are gonna find her?
I mean,
it's a pretty small town.
[male #7]
239,139 to be exact,
Mr. Vega.
Just a tad bit bigger
than Mayberry.
[male #8]
Okay, Chief, I think
we got everything here.
Follow up with, uh, Wigram on
them there surveillance cameras.
I'm on it.
Chief Broussard,
I don't want the next time
I see my daughter
to be on the side
of a milk carton.
You hear me?
Now, I don't care what it takes
or how much money
I got to spend.
You got to get her back,
and you got to get
my daughter back now.
Telephone call for you,
Mr. Morgan.
Hung, now is not the time.
He says he has Carmen.
Is he on hold?
Yes.
We got this thing tracked.
Take the call.
- Hello.
- Let's cut to the chase,
Mr. Morgan.
Five million
for your daughter.
You'll have 32 hours,
upon which I'll contact you
to reveal a designated
meeting location.
You mess up any of my
instructions and she's dead.
[line clicks]
[Earl]
I don't know.
It could be anyone.
You know, a black man with money
is not a recipe for popularity.
[Frank]
You know, whoever did this
really planned it out.
This was organized.
Anyone have it out for you
or been following you around
lately?
Of course.
I get people all the time
trying to get me to invest in
businesses or sell this house.
Man, I can't believe
this is happenin'.
This is my baby girl.
She's supposed to be
gettin' married on Sunday.
[engine starts]
Mmm.
[Mama]
Oh. We need your help.
This is a small town.
We don't get too many of these
types of crimes around here.
But I know you boys have
experience with this back in LA.
- Uh, not exactly--
- We need your help.
We need you to find Carmen
and bring her back home.
Mrs. Morgan, you have the-the--
The police are on this--
[Mama]
The police aren't going
to do anything.
They got their heads
so far up their asses
they can't see squat.
We need you two...
if there's any hope in me
gettin' my Carmen back.
[Ronny]
Guys!
Guys, look what I found
by the side gate.
[Frank]
Buford?
- Who names their kid Buford?
- Let me see.
[Frank]
Ronald found this on
the north side of the estate.
Now, how'd my people
overlook this?
Sloppiness really gives me
the mal au ventres.
We'll check into it.
Might be one of my boys.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Whoa--
You must have some idea
who's behind this.
Let me tell you something.
This ain't Los Angeles.
This here is Baton Rouge.
We don't go in for that
canaille vigilante crap
y'all be pullin' down there.
And if you even think about
gettin' involved in this case--
I hear you put even
one nose hair in this case--
I'm gonna lock y'all up for the
rest of y'all golden years.
You gentlemen enjoy
the rest of y'all afternoon.
[soft intense music]
[Bernie]
Let's go get
those son of a bitches.
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3]
When you hear that,
when you hear that
When you hear that,
when you hear that
When you hear that, flush 'em
out quick just like Drano
Keep doing your thing,
it's the same old, same old
Might blow the top off,
call it volcano
We in the bayous,
no Sandro Pedro
Shooting up these suckers
like they're duck hunters
No Toyotas
but they forerunners
Beat 'em, rabid fool,
now they all doublers
When it goes off, isn't that
how it started-da-da-da-da?
A daily combo
running like the capo too
Bam-bam-bam,
fire like charcoal
We soldiers
shoulder to shoulder
Pura balacera
till it's over
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3]
Duck and run for cover
I'm just gonna make this clear
right now.
- No running.
- What?
Now, I will do all
the ass-kicking you want,
but I'm not
chasin' after shit.
Such a bitch.
[train whistle blows]
We're not in LA anymore.
[rapper #4]
Yeah, yeah
Uh-huh
Whoo, whoo
That's what I'm talkin' about
right there
- This is how we roll
- This is how we roll
[male singer #2]
Take you
where you wanna go
[hip hop music]
[Bernie]
Whoo!
God damn kidney stone's
kickin' my ass again.
You're fallin' apart
piece by piece, chief.
Hey, good news,
I still got my penis.
[both laugh]
Hello there,
little lady.
[clears throat]
- Come on. Let's go in.
- Yeah.
[male singer #3]
Three miles back
in the swampy woods
I can still see his face
Blood-stained clothes,
covered in mud
Gotta get out of this place
Runnin' through the back
of the field
along the property line
Hiding in the reeds
by the church
just trying to calm my mind
[unintelligible] in the swamp
down in Crystal Springs
Last time I saw this many
white people in one place,
they set fire to a cross
on my dichondra.
Bernie, it's good for you
to get out of your comfort zone,
meet some people.
Ah, not these type
of people.
[male singer #3]
Not really sure why
[Bernie]
But then, Mama always said,
"Don't be so closed-minded."
[laughs]
[clattering]
[exclaiming]
[rock music]
Uh, hello,
ladies and gentlemen!
We just wanna
ask you...
one question.
Go ahead, Frank.
Oh, uh--yeah, we're looking
for a Mr. Buford.
Does anybody here
know his whereabouts?
[male #9]
I do.
[Frank]
Hey--
Hey, fellas. How ya doin'?
Looks like you're healing up
real nicely.
[Bernie]
Hell yeah.
Much better than y'all did
before we fucked y'all up.
[all laughing]
[dramatic music]
Ow!
Take a seat!
[male #10]
Die, asshole!
Ow! Ow!
[grunting]
Now...
you Q-tip-looking
motherfuckers!
I'm gon' ask you one more time!
Where's Buford?
[grunts]
[gunshot]
[howling]
I said no running.
[scattered moaning]
Hey. Hey.
Mr. Buford.
Pleasure to make
your acquaintance.
How'd you get in here
without your VIP card?
[whimpering]
Now, where's Carmen?
Fuck off!
Oh. Oh, okay. Fuck off.
[screams]
[intense music]
[Bernie]
Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Get the hell back.
[screaming continues]
[Buford]
I don't know, man!
I swear to God!
I ain't got access
to the inner circle, man.
Landry does. Landry knows!
Where can I find
this Mr. Landry?
[Buford]
Downtown, man.
Up the road.
It's on Seventh and Convention.
It's a big white loft,
top floor.
You can't fuckin' miss it.
I really wanna thank you
for your cooperation.
I mean it.
[Buford groaning]
[orchestral music]
Ronny.
What's up, buddy?
Hey. I was just actually
runnin' late--
No, hey, I understand.
You're a busy man.
Got places to go.
He's got deals to make.
I get it.
Listen, I was gonna ask you
a favor as a friend.
My car's in the shop,
so I'm gonna
borrow yours for
a couple weeks.
Cool with that?
My car?
This week,
we have family in--in town,
and--and I'm playing chauffeur.
Oh, yeah. No, hey.
I totally get it.
I get that.
Listen, either
you give me this car,
or I'll beat
the shit out of you.
It's your choice.
Hey.
You boys got somewhere
you gotta be?
Yeah.
We're all set.
Keep it moving.
[soft intense music]
[intense music]
Unless you gonna let my ass go,
I don't want shit from you.
Is that any way
to treat your host?
I done got you them nice white
shoes to keep your feet warm.
Look, you Duck Dynasty-
looking motherfucker,
if you think for one minute
you gonna get away
with this shit, you dead wrong.
All right then.
I'll keep it warm for you.
[somber music]
Those God damn old bastards.
They just came in
and roughed up Buford.
Pete. You mind taking that
someplace else?
Yeah, sure.
[Broussard]
What the fuck?
How in the hell Buford
let two old sons of bitches
rough him up?
[male #11]
I don't know.
He's a God damn mama's boy.
[Broussard]
I told y'all to follow them.
[funky music]
[elevator bell dings]
Man, why do all bad guys
got nice places?
Same reason they all got
beautiful women.
Boy, what you talking about?
They don't all have
beautiful women.
[soft music]
[chuckles]
Hey, little lady.
We're here to see Landry.
Is he around?
Landry doesn't
live here anymore,
so get lost.
Can you tell us
where we might find him?
Get your foot out of my door.
Come on, little girl.
No sense in you acting all--
[dramatic music]
[groaning]
I think she loosened a crown.
Wait. Now hold it.
There's no need for violence.
We just wanna talk.
Now--now--now--
now, look here, lady.
We're gentlemen.
We don't hit women--
Ow!
Now, all we wanna know
is where Landry is.
Fuck you!
- All right.
- Let go of me!
I can't breathe!
Not till you tell me
where Landry is.
[groaning]
Buckhead--
[gasping]
- Where is he?
- He works at Buckheads. It's--
It's a barbecue place
just outside of town.
He'll be there tomorrow morning.
Now get the fuck outta here!
So soon?
I thought we had
a beautiful connection.
Aside from your foot
in my kidney.
God damn. You see
any internal bleeding?
Damn.
[panting]
[soft music]
What's up, buddy?
So happy I ran into you
here, man.
- Listen, Kyle, I--
- Shh. Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Listen, I'm gonna need, like,
20 bucks or so for some snacks.
I, uh--I don't have that.
Oh, I think you do,
money ball.
No, not really.
I would--I would.
Hand it over...
before I beat you senseless.
[dramatic music]
Yeah. All right.
Why don't you get a job?
Who the hell are you?
[Bernie]
Friends of Ronald.
If I'm not mistaken,
they're hiring here.
[Kyle]
You've gotta be kidding me,
right?
You got your grandpa
in here to protect you?
Don't you two got some early
bird buffet to hit up?
- Kyle.
- Yeah, if I were you two,
I'd back the hell up
right now before I--
- Kyle!
- What?
[low voice]
It's the Bad Asses.
[Kyle]
What?
[male #12]
Bad Asses.
From the bank.
Oh, snap, it is.
Wow! Whoa, we are huge fans.
- Kyle.
- Dad.
- What's goin' on here?
- Hey, nothin'.
Just havin' a conversation
with Ronny
and the Bad Asses.
You know who these guys are,
right?
Yeah, we've met.
Gentlemen.
Mom wants us home
for dinner before 6:00,
so we gotta get a move on.
Okay.
We're all cool.
Good evening.
[soft intense music]
[Earl]
I appreciate what y'all did,
but I can't have you interfering
in my son's business.
I'm trying to steer him away
from violence and threats,
and instead use diplomacy
as a tool to confront conflict,
hmm?
How's that diplomacy
workin' out for you?
[Earl]
Just fine.
No offense, gentlemen,
but I am not a fan
of your tactics.
I think there's better ways
to solve problems.
Explain to me, Earl.
How do you go from
bein' in the Marines
to bein' a pacifist?
[Earl]
After you've seen
what I've seen,
you never wanna be involved
with violence again.
[wheelchair approaches]
- Geoffrey.
- Hey. How you doing?
Hey, son.
I can't believe
this is even happening.
Now, we got it covered, Geoff.
[Geoffrey]
I can't stop thinking about what
they're doing to her right now.
Calm down, son. Take it easy.
Why don't you try
to get some sleep?
You think I can sleep
at a time like this?
[clattering in distance]
[dog barking]
Hey, what was that?
[soft dramatic music]
Hey, you'll have to excuse me.
I think I just knocked over
one of Mr. Morgan's planters
on the way in.
For some reason,
he's got it out for you two.
You boys need to just
stay away from this case.
I have a problem stayin' away
from somethin'
I know nobody's
doin' anything about.
Who said nobody's doin' anything
about this case? Huh?
I can assure you we are doin'
everything we can,
and we'll get Carmen back.
[Bernie]
That's bullshit, man.
Excuse me?
People above you
are makin' a mockery
of your justice system.
Look, Mr. Vega,
I am all for
what you two are about.
But my advice is just
to leave this alone...
and let us do our job, okay?
[cell phone chimes, buzzing]
[soft orchestral music]
[knocking on door]
Can I talk to you
for a minute?
[Frank]
Sure. Come on in.
Sit down.
[exhales]
I just wanted to thank you
for helping me out.
It was nothin'.
They just needed
a little straightening out.
I want you to have this.
This was my father's.
He carried it around with him
during the war.
It's pure titanium.
This saved his life.
Look, you can even see
the bullet mark.
Ronald, it's beautiful,
but I can't keep this.
Please.
I want you to have it.
Thank you.
Can I...
ask you a question, Frank?
Yeah.
Did you always have it
in you to...
be a hero?
I don't know.
I'm just...
wondering if it's something
you just have...
or you don't.
You've got it in you.
You just gotta be true
to yourself...
and--and keep
doing the right thing.
[Bernie]
All right, now. Cut out
that Little House
on the Prairie shit
and get the hell to sleep.
Shit.
[soft electronic music]
[snoring]
[soft clicking sound]
[squishing]
[grunting]
[intense music]
[grunting]
I can't tell you how many times
she accidentally rubbed
her elbow against my nuts.
That's what they call good ol'
Southern hospitality.
[chuckles]
Okay, now.
[gasps]
I promise, if I get out of this,
I'm going to Jenny Craig.
Password. Password.
"Long beard."
"Moonshine."
You need a little bit more
black pepper in there,
and then you got something.
- Okay.
- What do we got here?
That's not bad. Needs a touch
more paprika in that rub though.
Thank you.
What the hell'd
you put in this, coullion?
Who the hell you calling
"coullion," coullion?
Who the hell is you?
Where's Carmen?
Hold on!
You didn't answer
my friend's question.
Where's Carmen?
"I married my cousin."
Damn!
[ringing]
[triumphant music]
Hello, 1988.
[grunting]
[intense music]
All right, cochons,
who gonna die first?
[grunting]
Aw, shit!
[Frank]
Come on. Come on, come on.
[grunting]
- Where is she?
- You go to hell!
[fax line squawking]
[male #13]
Jawn, you in there?
[banging]
[groans]
Okay. Now, where is she?
You go to hell, salope!
[Frank]
All right!
[sizzling]
[grunting]
[panting]
Okay, now where's Carmen?
- Fuck you!
- Okay.
[male #14]
No, no, no, no! No! No!
Okay! I'll tell you!
I'll tell you!
I'll tell you!
She's over at the compound
in Greenwell Springs!
You're gonna give me
the address and your car keys.
Just take 'em!
[groaning]
[male #15]
I'll check her room!
Do you mind, you Peeping Tom
motherfucker?
This here door wouldn't--
Just back that ass up
outta here.
[exhales]
[dramatic music]
Get me Harris.
[robotic female voice]
Please enter your destination.
[Bernie]
I guess fat guys with big beards
also have nice trucks.
[laughs]
I don't know
how to get back.
What?
I pressed in
the wrong address,
and I don't know how to
go back and delete it.
Try pressing "delete."
Where's "delete"?
[sighs]
On the keyboard.
[siren wailing]
There, no need.
We've got some help.
[wailing continues]
[PA speaker honking]
Whew.
Hey.
Thank goodness, fellas.
We had no idea
where we were going.
[male #16]
Freeze and put your hands
over your head!
Hold on a second.
What the hell's going on--
[male #16]
Shut your mouth
and put your hands in the air!
[foreboding music]
[thunder rumbling]
Well, well, well.
Fancy meeting you fellas
out here...
in the middle
of nowhere.
I gotta tell you,
it ain't the safest place
for out-of-towners like you.
You lowlife
son of a bitch.
[grunts]
Try.
[thunder rumbling]
[grunting]
[thunder cracking]
[thunder rumbling]
[grunting]
[Frank]
What happened?
Turns out they weren't willing
to help with directions.
[Broussard chuckling]
Well, rise and shine,
Mr. Vega.
Where you taking us?
It's a surprise.
But I can tell you
this much--
The view
is something special.
[laughing]
I been goin' on and on,
tryin' to get you boys
not to get involved,
but you wouldn't listen.
Now...
it's time
to pay the price.
Look, homie,
we're gonna give you
one last chance
to redeem yourself.
- Yeah.
- You let us go,
and we won't kill you
when this is all over.
[laughing]
What you been smokin', brah?
The jig is up.
Y'all lose.
You're never gonna
get away with it.
I'm the police chief.
I'm the shit around here.
[dramatic music]
Here we go, gentlemen.
I'm about to find y'all
a nice little piece
of private swampland
to drop y'all into.
I wish you two
a bon voyage.
[Broussard chuckling]
C'est la vie.
[soft dramatic music]
[clock ticking]
[ringing]
- Hello?
- Reynolds Oil Refinery.
East gate. 6:00.
Your wife brings the money.
Alone.
We see anyone else there,
your daughter dies.
Hey look,
now hang on one second.
Hello?
Hello!
[intense music]
Uh, excuse me.
I'm lookin'
for Chief Broussard.
He said he'd be back
in 20 minutes.
I'll wait.
[somber orchestral music]
[airplane taking off]
Any of you boys
wanna play canasta?
We--we could
use a third.
I don't know how the hell
we gon' get outta this.
It don't look like they're
passing out any parachutes.
Yeah--
[groaning]
[shouts]
Son of a bitch!
[groans loudly]
Bernie, you all right?
This is real bad!
He needs some help, man!
[groaning continues]
He had a liver transplant
and his body's rejecting it!
If we don't hold him down,
he'll choke on his tongue!
[groans]
[Bernie]
Son of a--
[Frank]
Come on now! We need some help!
[groaning continues]
[grunting]
[dramatic music]
[gunshots]
[explosion]
[grunting]
[grunting]
Night-night, homie.
Well, that's great.
You know how to fly
one of these things?
[Frank]
Come on. I've seen Top Gun
a hundred times.
We need to figure out
how we gonna land this baby.
See if there's an instruction
manual in the glove compartment.
Glove compartment?
Mexican, this ain't
your daddy's Eldorado! Shit!
You know what?
This looks like somethin'.
Hey, hey! Jesus Christ, Vega!
You just can't start
blindly pulling on shit!
[chuckling]
God damn!
[laughs]
My boy knows
how to fly a plane!
[chuckles]
Okay, now. I think we need
to slow it up a bit. Okay?
That's the part
I'm not too sure about.
[Bernie]
That shit ain't workin', man!
I'm trying everything!
[Bernie]
Try harder, man!
That shit ain't working!
[beeping]
[both shouting]
Slow down!
[shouting]
[thud]
Ah, ah, my back hurts, ah!
[rumbling]
[rumbling]
[explosion]
[explosion]
[explosion]
[explosion]
- Oh, crap!
- Oh, crap!
[explosion]
[rumbling]
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
[explosion]
[explosion]
No wonder your ass
is taking the bus.
You can't drive
anything worth shit!
[grinding]
[rumbling]
[grunting]
[explosion]
[grunting]
[rumbling]
Ah!
[grunting]
[rumbling]
[panting]
[chuckles]
Thank you for flying
Mexican Airlines.
[soft dark music]
No reception.
[Bernie]
Where the hell
you going?
I'm going to get help.
Out in the middle of nowhere?
We're probably 50 miles away
from anything, man.
I ain't walking.
- Well, then stay here.
- Oh, man, you kidding?
What about all these
damn gators and werewolves
and all that shit?
All right, hold on.
[sighs]
Bernie, look, I ain't
got time for this shit.
Now you're either
coming or staying.
But you can't have it
both ways.
[rustling]
What the hell is that?
[soft intense music]
[rock music]
[both laughing]
[motorcycle engine revving]
[dramatic music]
[horns honking]
Damn.
Don't matter if you're
in LA or Baton Rouge.
Everybody has
God damn rush hour traffic.
What the hell are we
supposed to do now?
Use the shoulder, homie.
Security's tighter
than the Ugandan Consulate.
How the hell
are we gon' get in?
Why you always gotta be
sweating everything?
We got this.
Yeah.
What the hell you boys
think you're doin'?
Uh, lost
a contact lens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's see.
Ah! Here it is.
[laughing]
Found it.
Oh, good.
You got that?
Uh-huh.
- Got it?
- Yeah.
I guess we'll be going.
Freeze, assholes.
I know you.
You're those
two old fuckers.
- Yeah.
- That's us.
[male #17]
Oh, shit!
Man, you old geezers
are bad ass!
- Thanks, man.
- Appreciate that.
[male #17]
Yeah. We all real big fans.
- All right.
- Unfortunately,
I'm still gonna
have to kill y'all.
[Frank]
Excuse me?
What?
You boys been trespassing.
Trespassing's grounds
for shooting.
[Frank]
Now look, there's no reason
to shoot two old guys.
Sorry, brahs.
Just doing my job.
[rifle cocks]
[groans]
Lights out, ho.
What about diplomacy, Earl?
Screw diplomacy.
Now let's go
get my daughter.
Any ideas?
That one.
[chuckling]
[soft intense music]
[loud clank]
How the hell we supposed
to know where she is?
Something tells me
we've found her.
Any suggestions?
Not one.
[gunshots]
[male #18]
Get down there!
[Earl]
Let's go.
Damn, Earl.
[gunshots]
[dramatic music]
Well, hell,
it's about damn time.
You know how he likes
to make an entrance.
[Carmen]
Daddy! What are you doin' here?
[Earl]
What do you think?
You okay?
Okay, now hey, we gotta
get outta here. Now!
You're gonna need this.
[cocks gun]
Let's go get
those motherfuckers.
[rapper #5]
In time of war
my front line
I'm in fatigues, let 'em know
that it's go time
Never fall back,
don't fall behind
Never be blind,
read between the lines
Never testify,
never suicide
Never dislike,
never show your cries
100 by here,
do it on the fly
We ain't perfect either,
but Lord knows we try
Take actions, reactions,
ain't no right
Gotta come out blazin'
in the heat of the night
Be ready for war
or be ready to fall
You best be careful
what you askin' for
When it rains, it pours,
kill the source at the core
Suited up in fatigues
'cause we ready for war
If you ain't ready for war
you won't be ready for more
You best be careful
what you asking for
When it rains, it pours,
kill the source at the core
Suited up in fatigues,
'cause I'm ready for war
And then the nation drawin'
forces like a congregation
Ain't no way you're holding
back to the day you make it
Always gotta try and prove
yourself, demonstration
Try to cut 'em up real quick
like a Haitian
Show no fear here when
it comes to complications
[gunfire]
Shit!
[gunfire]
[soft music]
[men groaning]
[Bernie]
Take that, bitches!
[chuckles]
[Geoffrey]
Very impressive.
[cocks gun]
Drop your weapons.
[dark music]
Drop your weapons!
[dramatic music]
Geoffrey, what the hell
are you doin'?
I know this is
all quite confusing.
But the truth
of the matter is,
the plan got derailed a bit
by your boys here.
Geoffrey, if this is
your way of eloping,
you should've came clean
before my daddy
started signing checks.
Can't get
a deposit back now.
I always loved
your sense of humor.
Hey!
Put the gun down.
I'm not going to hurt her...
unless somebody
tries to play hero.
Now, move into
the other room.
Now!
You too, lovey.
Off you go.
Who are you?
[dark music]
You had no intentions
of marrying her, did you?
It's not that she's not
a wonderful young lady.
And if the circumstances
were different, who knows?
But this is
a business opportunity
that my cousin and I
couldn't pass up.
Your cousin?
As in the police chief?
[Geoffrey]
Yes.
You would be correct,
Mr. Vega.
Pretty sharp you are.
Just leave my daughter with us.
I'll see that you
get your money.
Oh, I wish I could
take you up on it, Earl,
but for some reason
I don't believe you.
In addition,
we've got big plans for Carmen
to help us
get out of the country.
You son of a bitch!
Calm down, Earl.
We're gonna get you.
I highly doubt that,
Mr. Vega.
[grunting]
You see, this is the end
of the line for you lads.
[laughing]
With that, I must wish you
a heartfelt goodbye.
Lucas!
Come on, lovey.
Off we go, lovey.
[shattering]
[grunts]
Oh, shit.
[grunting]
[intense music]
[shattering]
[coughing]
Looks like we gon' have
some barbecue tonight.
I hope they like dark meat.
It's too tight.
They're too tight.
Come on, my man,
you gotta have somethin'
in that fanny pack of yours.
My hands are tied.
We're screwed, fellas.
No way out of this one.
[coughing continues]
"Hey, come on.
Let's go to Louisiana."
Yeah! "A little vacation,
get away from it all."
Oh, now it's all my fault?
[Bernie]
You bet your ass
it's your fault.
Can't you ever take
responsibility for anything?
[Bernie]
Yeah. If you hadn't pushed us
out here, I wouldn't have been--
[Earl]
Enough!
Can't a man even die in peace?
[coughing]
[somber music]
I'm sorry, man.
No.
[chuckles]
It was a good ride.
[chuckles]
- It was, huh?
- Yeah.
[coughing]
[wheezing]
[engine revving]
[explosion]
[dramatic music]
Hey, do you guys
need a lift?
It's Ronny!
What the hell?
Get in the truck!
Get in the truck!
[coughing continues]
Come on, go!
[dark music]
[explosion]
[dramatic music]
[Earl]
You saved our lives!
My white baby boy!
You saved our lives!
How did you know
we were here?
I didn't. I hid
in the back of the car.
[Earl]
And that gives us
exactly 22 minutes to make it
to that Reynolds Oil Refinery
before Mom makes the exchange.
- Twenty-two minutes?
- You got it.
[Ronny]
That place is 45 minutes away.
Then you better
step on it, kid.
[engine revving]
They're gonna have
a whole damn army with them.
We're gon' need
some help, man.
Ronald,
give me your cell phone.
[boat horn blowing]
[dark music]
[car approaching]
Geoffrey?
Hello, Lois.
I know this isn't
what you expected,
but if you'd
just hand over the money...
I'll get you Carmen.
[muffled screaming]
You scum-sucking pig.
Hand over the money.
You go screw yourself.
[laughing]
I admire your courage,
but it's not worth it.
Not giving you nothing
till you hand her over.
Suit yourself.
[gasps]
[horn honking]
[gasping]
[gunfire]
[dramatic music]
[groaning]
Let's kick some geriatric ass!
[grunting]
[Lois]
Oh! Earl!
Come on.
Get out of the car.
[Lois]
Earl!
Earl, are you all right?
Yeah.
You done real good, baby.
[Earl kisses Lois]
Whoo! Look at this!
Baby boy to the rescue!
Oh, I'm so happy to see you!
Ohh, ohh!
Damn cops are late
even in Louisiana.
[siren blaring]
Hands in the air!
Jesus Christ there,
Geoffrey.
[groaning]
How the hell you let this thing
get this far out of hand?
Son of a bitch.
I believe this
belongs to me.
Hey! Oww!
[Broussard]
Mr. Vega.
You done gone
and messed everything up.
And now...
everybody's gonna
have to die for it.
Starting with you.
[cocks gun]
You bad ass.
[Pete]
Freeze!
[guns cocking]
Drop it, Julius!
Oh, Pete.
Now, what you doin' here?
It's over.
Drop the gun!
[Broussard]
Boy, you done got yourself
into somethin'
way above y'all heads.
Now if I was you,
I'd go on,
go back home,
take your little boys
with you.
Put the gun down, Julius!
Put your hands
above your head! Now!
That's not gon' happen, boy!
Best step the hell off,
'cause I'm about to--
[gasping]
Get the fuck back.
Get the fuck back!
Hell no!
God damn!
[grunting, groaning]
[gunshot]
[groaning]
You shot my fanny pack!
[shouting, cheering]
[soft music]
- Frank! You okay?
- Yeah.
God damn! That fanny pack
saved your life! What?
[laughs]
[Frank]
It was Ronald's watch.
It take a lickin'
and keep on tickin'!
[laughing]
Damn, Green Machine!
Is that you or a lead pipe
in your pocket?
[groans]
Stay down, bitch.
[all laughing]
[mellow music]
Well, I guess
that's about it.
[Carmen]
Oh, come on, boys.
You sure you don't wanna
chill out here
a few more days?
We'll make it
worth your while.
Well, we'd love to, but Bernie's
got a doctor's appointment
first thing tomorrow morning.
[Carmen]
All right, then.
Bring it on in
for the sweet thang.
Oh, oh!
You have no idea how grateful
I am to both of you.
- Thank you so much.
- You're gonna be all right.
[Carmen]
Hell yeah. Who needs another man
when I have you two?
[all laughing]
[Lois]
You know, you boys
are welcome here any time.
[laughing]
[clears throat]
[Earl]
You got about five more minutes
before you hit the road.
Can I borrow you two a moment?
[Bernie]
Yeah. All right.
I'm deeply indebted
to both of you.
You brought my child back.
Words can never express
how much I appreciate that.
But you gave me
somethin' else.
For the first time
in 30 years, guys--
30 years--
I feel alive again.
And because of that,
I've found my true purpose.
I wanna bring justice
back to those places
that have been
completely drained of it,
and I wanna do it
with the two of you.
Think of it as
three old guys kickin' ass.
Sounds like a great idea,
Earl, but--
Yeah, yeah.
You know,
Bernie and I
have other
responsibilities.
Oh, Frank, I'm aware of that.
I know you got
your community center,
and of course Bernie's
got his liquor store.
I'm not asking you
to give that up.
Look, I wanna make it as easy
as possible for both you guys.
I will fund
the entire operation,
and I will put
the both of you on salary.
That way you won't have to worry
about paying your bills,
especially those medical bills.
You serious, man?
As a liver transplant.
So what do you say, guys?
[music intensifies]
You ready
to clean up this country?
[hip hop music]
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3]
Duck and run for cover
[laughing]
Oh, Bernie.
There is more to you
than meets the eye.
I must say, I'm intrigued.
As am I, Kate.
As am I.
- Mm.
- Mm.
[male #3]
Excuse me, sir, but you're
going to have to return
to your assigned seat.
[R&B music]
[laughing]
[male singer #4]
Ooh, I'm just
playin' the game
We all in here
tryin' to make it out
We tryin' to escape, but
these streets won't let us go
There's got to be
a better way now
I've got to go find out
'Cause I, 'cause I
can't keep playin'
These streets
won't let us grow
[rapper #6]
Gotta find a way, searching
for them better days
Even under pressure I'm ahead
of where to fade away
Shining like the lights
of Vegas up in Mandalay
All you got in this life
is your family
LA to Houston,
Philly to Brooklyn
Going back and forth
in this game like Ping-Pong
Big Tank boss,
I'll get 'em while I'm gooder
See more crack in the slums
than a plumber
Line us with the bread,
slick with the butter
But the streets is hotter
than an Arizona summer
Black, brown,
minority normally
But we just can't win
against authority
Unless we realize
we the majority
And we can change
that history
My story, your story,
many stories
Walk through hell
just to get to the glory
- Yeah
- Ooh
I'm just playin' the game
We all in here
tryin' to make it out
We tryin' to escape, but
these streets won't let us go
There's got to be
a better way now
I've got to go find out
'Cause I, 'cause I
can't keep playin'
These streets
won't let us grow
[rapper #6]
If I had wings
I would fly
Blowing cush in a mile
See the judge
but never testify
I was tryin' to make it out
the ghetto
Terrified from the world
So Hollywood Boulevard
It's the same everywhere
no matter who you are
All around the world
poverty strikes the poor
Rich stay rich,
gotta kill it at the core
Need I say more?
Dreams are cut short,
news will report
Son slayed on the porch
Drugs import
and then they export
The core buys more and
they rarely can afford it
Live check to check
and workin' 9:00 to 5:00
Struggle day in, day out,
no lie
Tryin' to do better,
Lord knows I try
Only way to make it
is if I supply
- Damn
- Ooh
I'm just playin' the game
We all in here
tryin' to make it out
We tryin' to escape, but
these streets won't let us go
There's got to be
a better way now
I've got to go find out
'Cause I, 'cause I
can't keep playin'
These streets
won't let us grow
Won't let us grow
[hip hop music]
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3]
When you hear that,
when you hear that
When you hear that,
when you hear that
- When you hear that
- Bang
Duck and run and hide, yeah
You better look for cover
Carry a lethal weapon
And I call it Danny Glover
Its favorite saying is
"blucka-blucka-blucka-blucka"
A bad mother--
no time for any suckas
Fly out from out of town,
oh, yeah, it's goin' down
Travel at the speed of sound,
can you hear me now?
We ain't in LA no more,
we up in Baton Rouge
These sucker fish, they ain't
got no Blue's Clues
Esperan este for real,
they ain't got suficiente
We armed to the teeth,
no importa lo que sientes
Automatic spray,
no fear in my face
All my soldiers yelling out
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3]
When you hear that,
when you hear that
When you hear that,
when you hear that
When you hear that, flush 'em
out quick just like Drano
Keep doing your thing,
it's the same old, same old
Might blow the top off,
call it volcano
We in the bayous,
no Sandro Pedro
Shooting up these suckers
like they duck hunters
No Toyotas
but they forerunners
Beat 'em, rabid fool,
now they all doublers
When it goes off, isn't that
how it started-da-da-da-da?
A daily combo
running like the capo too
Bam-bam-bam,
fire like charcoal
We soldiers
shoulder to shoulder
Pura balacera
till it's over
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
- When you hear that
- Bang-bang-bang
- Duck and run for cover
- Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3]
When you hear that,
when you hear that
When you hear that,
when you hear that
- When you hear that
- Bang