You know, I should've got
biscuits and gravy.
I mean, technically
it's just biscuit and gravy.
'Cause it's just one biscuit
cut in half, see?
No...
even if it is just one biscuit,
it's still biscuits and gravy.
You know, how like one pair
of pants still pants.
I mean, you might want to take it
with the Whataburger folks,
because they're selling it
as biscuit and gravy, see?
Yeah, that... that doesn't
make it right. I mean...
What would you call bacon and eggs
if you only got one egg?
- I would call it bacon and egg.
- No, you would not.
You would call it bacon and eggs.
Anybody would.
- Nobody would say, I'll have bacon and egg.
- They would if there was only one egg.
You know, goddamn,
the hell you wouldn't.
Here. You should read this.
You'd like it.
I don't know, I still haven't read
the book you gave me last week,
or the one from the week before that.
I mean, you know, I don't read like you do.
Shit, I don't know anybody
that reads like you.
Well, in college, everybody reads
like me, so you better get used to it.
Well, then I guess
I got a few weeks still.
And I bet they don't even read
like you either, even in college.
You know, besides, my mom sees
anymore books around the house,
she's going to have to really believe
I'm leaving. Just might kill her.
You know what, forget about those two.
Read this one, you'll like it.
- It happens right here.
- What, in a Whataburger?
No, jackass, in Texas.
Jim Johnson was a Texas boy. Well, I mean,
technically, he was born in Oklahoma,
but all this stuff happens
right here in Texas.
- You know what Jim Thompson said?
- What did he say?
He said, there are thirty-two ways to tell
a story, but there's only ever one plot.
- Yeah, what's that?
- That things are not what they seem.
Well, I will sure as shit
go along with that.
Things are most definitely
not what they seem.
- You know, not around here, anyhow.
- How's that?
Well, there's... there's you,
for example.
- I'm not what I seem?
- No, you're definitely not.
Because you go
and you put on your coveralls,
and you fix tractors all day.
But then you go home,
and you read all these books,
and you know things. Like how...
how there's thirty-two ways to tell
a story, but there's only one plot.
I didn't say that.
Jim Thomson said that.
No, yeah, I know, but you...
you know, you know it.
You know all kinds of other stuff, too.
What's my girl know?
- Hey.
- Hey, baby, how're you?
Oh, shit, biscuits and gravy.
I love this stuff.
You know, it's actually just called
biscuit and gravy, right?
What?
Hey, Sue was just telling me
about this guy, wrote this book here.
He said there was thirty-two ways
to tell a story.
- That right? I did not know that.
- Yeah.
Of course, I ain't the one
heading off to college like you two.
BJ, you should read this.
I think you'd like it.
Yeah, happens right here, in Texas.
Then what I need to read it for?
Shit, I already know every goddamn thing
- that happens in Texas.
- That's true.
- I just thought you'd like it, is all.
- I want to read it.
Okay.
You know, course we could sit here
and talk about books.
Or...
go over to Corpus, have the best goddamn
going away party we ever had.
I don't know, BJ.
Now, I haven't got the money for that.
And besides, me and you got to be
at Giff's tomorrow morning.
No, I don't have any money
to be going out either.
Now... I just might be able to do
a little something about that.
- Jesus Christ, where did you get that?
- I've been saving, man.
Ever since I found out that my best girl
and my best bud were leaving me.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
Come on, let's get the hell out of here.
Let's have some fun for once,
for God's sakes.
All right.
You have no idea
what I had to do to get this.
Oh, it's good.
- Yeah.
- Good whiskey.
Man, we need to get you laid.
Oh, no, that's... that's okay.
- Just wait right there.
- No, seriously, it's okay. Hey, BJ...
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you girls doing?
- Just fine, how are you?
Oh, I'm... I'm just
hanging out, you know.
Anyways, I just want you to know,
do you see my friend Bobby over there?
- Yes, I do. Hi.
- Hi, how are you doing?
Yeah, he's kind of cute, isn't he?
- He's cute.
- Yeah, yeah, he is.
I'll... you know, I'll give you $1,000
if you blow him.
Okay, fuck off.
Here's 1500...
and I get to watch.
Please, give me a break.
Okay...
but he has to wear a rubber.
Not unless he gets to take it off
right before he shoots.
I'm...
Nope, nope, hey, hey BJ,
I'm really sorry for my friend.
He's had a lot to drink. We should get him
out of here. You want to get out of here?
God damn, you're going
to get your dick sucked.
- I don't want to get my dick sucked.
- Yes, you do.
Every goddamn man
wants to get his dick sucked.
Okay, now listen, girls.
Listen, listen, it's all right.
Now... $2,000,
I think that's what's right in here.
Somewhere around there, 2,000, maybe
a little bit more, maybe a little bit less.
Not only will you swallow, but you'll...
- gargle for a half a minute...
- Okay, is this a joke?
BJ, that's enough. Leave them alone,
leave them alone, all right.
You've been hanging with Giff way too much.
Let's just get out of here, come on.
Well, man, then who else
do I have to hang out with?
All my friends are up and leaving me.
Ladies.
BJ.
- You just going to leave all this money?
- Yup.
Sorry about my friend, he's... like I said,
he's had a awful lot to drink.
It's okay.
Did you want to join us?
You guys want anything?
I think we're probably good.
You don't actually have to give me
a blow job or anything. That's okay.
- I wasn't going to, so it's all good.
- Oh, great, sweet then.
- It's Bobby, right?
- Bobby, yeah.
Nice to meet you, Bobby.
How much did you spend today?
Hey, fuck money.
It's all about the memories, right?
Right?
These are a couple weeks...
that's all we'll have...
right?
What's with you, man?
What do you mean?
How come you didn't want to get
your dick wet earlier?
BJ.
No reason. Just... tired.
- That's all.
- And I'm tired, too.
Why don't we hit the bed?
I'll tell you what, Bobby, I'm not buying it,
I'm not buying it for one second.
I think... I think there's
something else at play here.
Like what?
Like somebody else.
Somebody keeping that dick of yours
on a tight leash.
Come on.
Well, it's definitely somebody, man.
And whoever he is, I mean,
he must be really, really special, right?
Is that it? Man, you saving yourself
for a nice little college boy?
All right.
Why don't we get you dried off
and into bed?
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Okay.
Okay, let's go.
- Good night, Bobby.
- Yeah, good night.
- See you tomorrow.
- Good night, Bob.
How much did you spend today?
Do you know what my daddy's
last words were?
Bang.
More of a sound than a word.
And technically, he didn't say it,
but he did make it, with his gun.
- Told me that one before.
- Yeah, several times.
But even if you hadn't,
I would've heard it just as many times
from everybody else.
Is that why you're leaving?
Because the town's so small.
It's because of my stories.
Honey, are they getting on your nerves?
No.
It's not like that, I just...
It just makes me sad, that's all.
Makes me sad, too. That's the point.
BJ...
God, you got to get over it.
Hey, you got to get over all that junk
you keep stored up in that head of yours.
Move on.
I mean, you stay on a bus long enough,
and you're liable...
Miss your stop.
Yes.
I've told you that before.
Yeah, several times.
I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed.
Rise and shine, turpentine.
Hey, goddamn you,
hitting my goddamn balls.
Listen, motherfucker, drops your cocks,
and put on your socks, man.
- We're late for the fucking party.
- Hey!
Hey, seriously, get up man. We got to go.
Giff's going to be pissed as fuck, come on.
Lazy motherfucker, let's move.
Something I've been meaning to tell you,
something I didn't want to say
in front of Sue.
Yeah, what's that?
I didn't save up that money.
Where did you get it?
- I stole it from Giff.
- You what?
Yeah, walked right into his office.
Took it from his safe.
- Fuck you, that's bullshit.
- Swear it.
One night, he got so drunk.
He started talking about crazy shit,
tells me... his favorite number,
gives me a whole spiel about it.
Guess what it is?
69. I mean,
he fucking loves that number.
Says it's a symbol, says it represents
the best in human nature.
He even has a little saying about it.
69, I'll suck yours if you suck mine.
Yeah, it's kind of like
it's a golden rule.
Okay, so what the fuck's that have to do
with you breaking into his safe?
Well...
I figured it out. It's his pin number.
It's also his Powerball number, 696969.
Well, there's only five numbers, so...
the rest of it depends
on what he's feeling that day,
- but, most importantly, it's...
- The combo to his safe.
Yup.
It's gotta be the dumbest thing
I ever heard.
Yeah, kind of serves him right.
Can't believe you stole that money.
Just don't say anything, all right?
Hey, you boys are late.
You, come on, I need you.
What the fuck, Giff?
What the fuck, yourself.
I want some answers right now,
motherfucker.
You ask that bean burrito
where my fucking money is.
What? Your money?
My fucking money, my dinero.
I know that much spik speak, motherfucker.
Now, you fill in the rest.
You ask him where my fucking money is.
Okay, Giff, okay.
- Ernesto, Ernesto,
- Come on, come on.
Sabes... donde la...
No, seor.
- No, see, Giff, he has no idea where it is.
- Sure he does, sure he does.
My fucking money, my money,
in my office, in my safe,
where you fucking broke into,
motherfucker.
Now I want to know
where my fucking money is.
Wait, wait.
Ernesto... no tienes algo
de dinero para darle?
- Where's my fucking money, bitch?
- Wait!
- I could do this all day.
- Want me to do all fucking day?
That's enough!
I could do it all fucking day.
Is that what you want?
Where's my fucking money?
Where's my fucking money,
you son of a bitch.
Give me my fucking money.
I could do this all day, motherfucker.
Stop it!
He didn't take it.
He didn't take it, who the fuck did?
It's not like it got up
and walked out of here on it's own.
I did.
I took the money.
You took my money?
Yeah, I took it.
Why?
Why did you do that? He didn't take it.
Why? 'Cause he was supposed
to watch you.
He was supposed to keep you
from taking my money, and he didn't.
Plus, I wanted you to know
how serious I am.
You know how serious I am?
- Yes.
- Sure?
Okay, good. Where's my fucking money?
I don't have it.
Where is it?
I s... I spent it.
Wait a minute.
Okay, let me get this straight.
You blew 20 fucking grand
over the weekend?
- 20 grand?
- That's right hotshot, 20 fucking grand.
You know, that money you stole,
that wasn't mine.
It was my boss's.
But I covered it for you.
'cause that's just the kind of guy I am.
Oh, now, you know who my boss is?
I didn't know you had a boss, Giff.
Oh, yeah, I surely do. I surely do.
You see, a few years ago,
business wasn't so hot.
Almost as bad as it is today.
I had a third mortgage to cover, and...
well, there wasn't a bank in the world
that was going to cover my ass.
So I took out a loan.
Kind of the way you did.
The guy who loaned me
that money became my boss,
'cause I couldn't pay it back.
His name was Big Red.
You ever heard of him?
Sure you have,
everybody's heard of Big Red.
Big fucking Red!
I understand, Giff, but...
I don't have any money.
It's a good thing I know
where to get it then.
All right, here's the deal.
Now, you know about my boss right? Good.
What you probably can't imagine is...
I hate working for that motherfucker,
almost as much as you hate working for me.
And this weekend, while you were out...
spending all that money,
I was stuck alone, at home,
thinking. It's all I could do,
was think.
And the thinking I did.
Mostly, I was thinking about what to do
with el rigor muerto out there,
'cause I thought he had done it.
Then...
then I come up with something.
Something that was more than just...
me feeding his balls to his brother.
I came up with a plan.
Now, you may have noticed
that the first Sunday of every month
that red truck
comes into the cotton gin.
What you might not have noticed
is that they drop off cash,
whole lot of cash, Big Red's cash.
And then on the following Wednesday,
that truck returns to pick up said cash.
Why?
Big Red launders the money
through the cotton gin.
So you see,
what you're going to do is...
you're going to steal that money
before the next pick up.
- Wait, what?
- Just like what you done on Friday.
Just the load's going to be
a hell of a lot bigger.
Yes.
I was... going to scare
the quesadilla in to doing it.
But then this happened, and well,
you got half a chromosome on him, easy,
so that'll make things good for us.
Now, you...
did you help spend that money?
No, yes.
Did you help spend that money?
Well, I'll be damned.
That makes you an accessory.
And if you could spend that money,
you sure as shit could steal it...
- right?
- Yup, boss.
Who else?
Who else helped you?
Ain't no way you two tards
could spend that money on your own.
Had to be somebody else there
to help you. Who was it?
No, Giff, see, it was just us.
Children should be seen,
and not heard, motherfucker.
- Giff, I don't know what to tell you...
- Do you have any doubts
that I will blow your fucking brains
all over this office?
You have any fucking doubt?
It was... yes, Sue, okay.
Sue?
Good, old Sue.
Motherfucker.
Come on.
Sue is going to kill you.
I very much doubt
Sue's going to kill me.
On the other hand, man,
I'm not so sure about Giff.
Why the fuck did you have to open
your goddamn mouth?
He was beating him to death.
Well, you sure as shit stopped that
by getting him shot.
Jesus Christ.
Fuck it. Come on, help me with it.
I don't understand.
Hey, college boy, come on,
help me out with this shit.
It's like you said,
you stole Giff's money.
No need to point fingers. We've got to
move on. We're well passed the blame game.
Okay, abra-fucking-cadabra,
Giff's money went poof.
Now, we have to replace it.
Lucky for us, a man named Big Red happens
to launder money through the cotton gin.
So all we have to do is steal that money
before his truck comes to pick it up
on Wednesday. The end.
Thank you, Bobby. That much I got.
Now, what I didn't get,
and what I still don't get,
- is why the hell I have to steal it.
- It's all yours, partner.
Well...
because old Giff
has a logic all his own.
BJ, what the hell does that mean?
It means he found out
that you helped spend the money.
And according to the book of Giff,
that makes it your duty to help replace it.
And how the hell did he find that out?
And if we don't?
You don't want to go there, trust me.
Bobby's right. Let's just do it.
Now, how we going to do it?
That's the next question, right?
- We're going to need equipment.
- Equipment?
Yes, Sue, equipment. Now...
Borrowed... my sister's baby monitors.
We use them as walkies,
it'll give us the whole play by play on it.
BJ, baby monitors only work one way.
Really? No shit.
And... oh, yeah, my nephew's cap guns.
We'll pull plugs, paint them up right,
make them look real.
And for our faces,
we'll use these, you know.
Wait, are those your sister's too?
They sure as shit ain't mine.
Look, I'm not put anything on my face
that's been on her fat, veiny ass.
Let's just get back on track.
Now, we arrive at 6:00 in the am
on Wednesday,
hours before Big Red's men
show up for the pick up.
Head through the back of the gin,
mask and gloves on,
fake guns looking real.
Now there's no security, no one's doing
any rounds, so it shouldn't be any trouble.
Stick to the walls
and stick to the shadows,
you should be fine.
Now, there's video surveillance
of four cameras,
but... don't worry,
I helped put them in.
Once you get to the monitors,
just turn them off.
From there, we'll find a way
through the gin.
Head towards the main office,
there will be only one door.
Crack it open with the crowbar,
make it look like a break in.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What about the Wolfsons?
They'll recognize me,
they go to my church.
It'll be 6:00 am.
If they do show up, lucky for you,
you'll be wearing my sister's nylons.
And... I mean, you've got a gun.
- Oh, my God.
- Now you go to the next room.
- And you'll see a safe.
- Got it!
But that's not the one. The real safe
is in the back room, to the left.
- Bingo.
- How're we supposed to get in?
Here's the best part.
Norm Wolfson is so goddamn old,
he can't remember the combination.
So he wrote it down on an index card,
taped to the bottom of his desk.
Star, 33, 26, 15, pound.
You'll find two bags. Peek inside
and you shall find them packed...
with clean green.
If so, get the fuck out.
- And that's it?
- That's It.
What about the money?
Oh, yeah, we give it back to Giff,
we're good to go.
- This Wednesday?
- Yeah, three days from now, 6:00 am.
So, what do you say?
What is there to say?
That's the spirit. Now, I've got
to go get some walkie talkies.
You want to come with?
I'll pass, I'm all tuckered out.
How about you?
Nah, nah, you know, I should go home.
See my mom. Haven't seen her since Corpus.
Okey dokie.
Need a lift?
No, I'm all right, I'm going to walk it.
Well, whatever you say, hoss.
Hey, Bob, see you tomorrow.
- Yeah, see you.
- All right.
- Hey.
- Hi.
So what are we going to do?
I don't know.
I mean, I know what we should do.
We should call the police.
You don't think so?
No, I thought we should've.
I've been thinking it all day.
Then what now?
Now, I know we should.
So you'll do it?
- No.
- Why?
- No, Bobby don't. We can't do this.
- Why?
Because it'll kill him.
BJ, is that you?
Yeah, buddy, it's me.
- Go back to bed, okay?
- Okay.
- Said your prayers?
- Yes.
Good boy.
Hello, yeah.
Hey, Giff, it's... it's me.
Well, well, little Bobby Jones.
What can I do you for,
little Bobby Jones?
I just... need to talk to you, Sheriff.
You need to talk to me?
Yeah, that's right,
I need to talk to you.
Okay, well...
get to talking.
Okay, well...
- the thing is... what I need you to...
- Do you want to talk to me in my office?
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
- Just through there.
- Claire, buzz him in.
- Thank you.
Alright, I'll be in my office.
- Come on.
- Okay.
- Right in here.
- All right, thank you.
Bobby, here's the thing.
- You tell me you need to talk to me.
- That's right.
Yeah, well, see, that's a funny thing,
needs about what we need.
What do you mean?
Well, what I mean is, a lot of the time,
what we think we need,
it's not what we need at all.
You know what I'm saying?
No.
All right, take me, for example.
For the longest time,
I thought what I needed...
was this little 19-year-old
Mexican stripper I had on the side.
On the side of Mrs. Sheriff.
Man... I really thought I needed her.
I mean, like I was going
to bust if I didn't have her.
I mean, I really thought...
I believed I needed it.
The thing is, Bobby, I didn't.
What I needed was to not be paying
a shit ton of alimony to Mrs. Sheriff.
- You following me?
- Ye... yeah.
No, I'm... I'm sorry, I'm not sure.
I truly...
did not need to be paying
the alimony I'm paying now.
Alimony that has caused me all manner
of poor and compromising
decision making,
and questionable dealings.
I did not need to be chasing
that little Mexican tail.
I wanted to.
I didn't need to. I didn't need it.
Okay.
Okay, you're following me then.
Well, no...
No, I'm sorry,
I don't... I don't exactly.
I mean, I understand
that you got divorced.
I mean, that sucks.
I'm real sorry about that.
Okay, Bobby shit-for-brains,
I guess I'm just going to have to...
spell it out for you, ain't I?
Give you the short bus version.
I guess so.
The point is...
you come here saying
you need to talk to me.
That's right.
What I'm saying is that...
you might just be mistaken,
like I was.
Maybe...
you need to keep your promises.
Do what you say you're going to do...
for the people you say
you're going to do it for.
Are you following me?
You still need to talk to me?
Get in.
Oh, hey, Giff.
No, you know, I was
just going to walk it.
No, I could use the fresh air.
What you could use
is a ride in my truck.
I ain't going to ask you again.
You know, I've been spending
a lot of time with your boy, BJ.
And I'm thinking, what with you
and Sue going off to college,
that's he's feeling kind of left out.
I mean, I don't mean to get all...
psychological and all that stuff.
But, you know, the little bastard
never had a daddy.
I think somebody
with a Ph.D. and a goatee,
might say that I fill that void for him.
And when he looks at me
for guidance and what not,
and any... doesn't fucking matter.
The point is...
over the past year,
I've gotten to know him pretty good.
Nothing like you, you got
17 years on me and all that.
I think we can safely say
that you are a BJ expert.
You get that? BJ expert.
Yeah, well, what I was hoping that maybe
we could use your expertise here
to answer a hypothetical,
which really isn't a hypothetical.
It's more like a potential.
What do you think BJ would do if he ever
found out about you and his girl, Sue?
I'm not sure
what you're talking about, Giff.
Well, don't lie to me, son.
Ten to one, I sniff that metal digit
of yours, I'm going to get a whiff of Sue,
which, to be perfectly honest with you,
sounds pretty goddamn good about now.
But I digress and I repeat.
What do you think BJ would do
if he ever found out you were
wetting your finger with his girl, Sue?
Well, I... I wouldn't
want to know, Giff.
'Cause it ain't true.
Boy, you sure as shit like to gamble
for somebody with such a shit poker face.
That's okay, I like gambling too. Hey...
that's what they call commonality.
We share something.
If we wanted to, we could bond over it.
Sure.
You know...
You know,
I'm sort of getting the feeling that you're
on the fence about Wednesday.
I'm also getting the feeling that...
you might be deciding to share your
feelings with someone outside the circle,
about what's going on
inside said circle.
Look, Giff...
I haven't said a word.
Now, whatever you do this Wednesday,
I'm not going to tell anybody.
Okay, why would you?
I ain't going to be doing
anything Wednesday.
The doing is going to be done by you,
and BJ, and Sue, right?
You hear that?
Sounds like game time to me.
Bring in the mamacita.
Let the games begin!
Vamos, muchachos!
Wait!
Fuck you!
Well, with a mouth like that,
who needs an asshole?
Fuck you!
Yeah, well, that's not the game, dear.
Thank you for the offer, though.
Speaking of offers,
I like to call this one...
what's your price?
Rules of the game are very simple.
I make an offer, the contestant
can either accept it, or not.
If they do, they get paid.
If they don't, they don't.
Get it?
- Got it?
- Yeah.
Good. Contestant number one...
that's you, Sue.
$50, if you suck this bean
eater's burrito dry.
Fuck you!
No, no, no, baby,
I said that's not the game.
The game is...
$100, if you fuck him
till his pecker falls off.
No?
200?
3?
$400?
$400!
$400, going once,
going twice,
not sold to the fucking potty mouth
with the very, very bad manners.
You know, that's all right.
I kind of had a feeling
you wouldn't accept,
and I'm very glad you didn't disappoint.
Because, well...
round two is always so much
more fun than round one.
Contestant number two, Pedro.
400 bucks, if you drop trou
and fuck this bitch dry, right here.
Oh, yeah!
Vamos, muchachos!
No! No!
- Okay!
- Hold on, hold on, hold on...
Okay, what?
Okay, I'll do it.
You'll do what?
This Wednesday, I'll do it.
And that is how you play
"what is your price".
I guess we found out yours, didn't we?
Okay, so let me get this straight.
You got two days to get your shit together,
and if you don't follow through,
well, I'm going to do more to your
sweet pea than hollow out her honey hole.
You follow?
Get.
Same goes for you, baby.
Let's go, boys.
You okay?
You okay?
- How about you?
- Yeah.
You know, I...
I've been thinking.
Yeah?
About what?
I think we should take
the money and run.
Are you serious?
Yeah, don't give a goddamned
nickel to Giff.
Just, you know, grab the loot,
and never look back.
Bobby, if we do that,
all we'll ever do is look back.
Over our shoulders,
every step of the way,
until Giff, or Big Red,
or worse, catches up with us.
I'm just...
I'm just saying, is all.
I know.
And I'm just saying...
we're already leaving.
Let's not give this shit hole town
a reason not to let us go.
Let's just stick to the plan, okay?
So you're still going to make the call?
Yeah, soon as I get to work,
and get to a computer,
I'll find the number
and I'll make the call.
You still think you got it?
Rain falls on 32 men, right?
Okay, now get out of here.
You'll make me late for work.
Right.
Is there anyone listening today who doesn't
wish they could change their past?
Re-write their own life story?
- Hey, you.
- Hey, you, back.
Thinking about a phone call I got today.
Was it a man?
Not hardly. It was Ms. Betty.
- What did she want?
- To congratulate me and you.
For what?
Well, she heard you were
going away to college.
I told her she was mistaken.
We don't have any college boys
in this house, just cotton boys.
Yeah.
Yeah, you should be real proud of that.
Jesus Christ, BJ, what the fuck?
Wonder why I'm doing here?
Why I climbed through
your window unannounced?
We need to talk.
We need to talk?
We do, indeed.
What we need to talk about,
it's important.
How important?
Shit, man, I climbed through
your window unannounced important.
Is it bad?
Well, partner,
it ain't good.
Millers.
Hey, Sue, you've got a phone call.
Hello.
- Hey, they're moving it up.
- Moving what up?
- Tomorrow.
- To when?
- To midnight, tonight.
- Tonight?
- Did you tell him anything?
- Who?
- BJ, who do you think?
- No, tell him what?
- About us?
- What? Of course not.
- Why would I do that?
- I don't know, to beat me to it?
Bobby, are you serious?
You think I'd do that?
No.
Shit.
Okay, it's fine. Let's just...
this could be good, right? I mean,
we don't know, it might not be bad, right?
Can you hand me a towel, please?
Hot damn, you really read all this shit?
Is that a joke?
It's a question, don't get so defensive.
It's a stupid question.
Why else would I have them?
I don't know, decoration?
Okay, smarty pants,
what's this one about?
It's about a family curse,
a stolen emerald necklace,
an unidentified body found
in a squire's grave,
and a family tradition involving
a nine hour bell ringing ceremony
to kick off the new year.
It's over long, arguably unreadable,
but it's a well written sequence
involving redemption.
What about this one?
This? This is... well, maybe
not technically the best, but...
hands down my favorite
in the Nero Wolfe series.
It's about a chess master murdered
by poisonous hot chocolate.
But the twist is he's not
the real intended victim.
The real intended victim is the man
who is serving the hot chocolate,
a man by the name of Blounce something.
So he's arrested and charged with murder,
because all the evidence points to him,
which was the real
killer's plan all along.
So like the title, the murder
turns out to be a gambit.
I just realized.
What's that?
We're a lot alike, you and me.
Oh, come on.
I know you don't want
to admit it, but it's true.
Most people don't know who the fuck
they are or what the fuck they want.
- But not us?
- Not us.
I mean, some go to college
to figure this shit out.
Others, you know, travel.
Go backpacking to places where pot
and prostitution are legal,
all in the name of self discovery
or whatever the fuck you want to call it.
But not you,
not me.
We're the exceptions.
Though, you're going to college.
- To get the hell out of this place.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, to get out of here.
Partly, I don't... I don't
doubt that for a second.
I mean, you always were too good
for the rest of us.
But the real reason is...
'cause you know who you are,
what you want, how to get it.
I mean, you want to be a writer, right?
Write books and shit,
mysteries like these.
Come on, honey, don't act so shocked.
I remember.
I remember everything you ever told me,
every motherfucking word.
And I think about it a lot.
And maybe that's lame, but it's true.
You know what else is true?
I know who I am, what I want,
and how to get it.
You know who doesn't?
Bobby.
That's who.
Now...
don't get me wrong, he's smart,
book smart.
So he's going to college,
well, whoop-de-dee-fucking-doo.
Not me.
Whole reason why I'm not going
to college or going backpacking,
it's not because I ain't got the money
or the book smarts, because I don't.
But the real reason is...
just like you I know who I am,
what I want and how to get it.
And none of those things
are a part of the plan.
So what is part of the plan?
Wouldn't you like to know?
That's why I asked.
Hear about tonight?
No.
We're doing it at 12, midnight,
instead of tomorrow at six.
It's as far as I could push it.
How would've I have heard about that?
I don't know, thought you might have heard
from a little bird by the name of Bobby.
Maybe you two met up at the Whataburger,
had a little fun day.
Well, anyways, times may have changed,
- but the plans stay the same.
- Okay, tonight, I got it.
You should go.
What if I don't?
That's what I always liked
about you, Sue.
You always were a... a straight shooter.
Lately, I think it seems
that you've been hiding something.
I can't really
put my finger on it, but...
I'm sure they smell fishy.
- Hello.
- Hi, can I speak to Bobby, please?
- Bobby, goddamn phone.
- Coming.
- Hello.
- Hey, it's me.
Bobby?
Is everything okay?
- Hi, Bobby.
- Hey.
- Till seven, Bobby-rino.
- Till seven.
All right, I'm going to hang
back here as look out, okay?
- Wait, what?
- Shit, you want to deal with the cops?
Because if they show up,
and you're outside.
I mean, that's where
you're getting in to, hun.
Bob, if see anything
out of the ordinary,
- I'll let you know.
- Then what?
Look, just stick to the fucking plan.
Fuck it. Let's go.
Jesus.
This is fucked up.
- Monitor's down.
- What?
Hey, BJ, the monitor's down.
Why the fuck are the monitors down?
Hey, man, don't worry about it.
Just keep on moving, okay.
Coast is clear out here.
Okay.
Bobby, I don't...
I have a bad feeling about this.
Where the fuck's the crowbar?
Look over there.
Wait.
- Bobby?
- What?
- It's already open.
- What?
It's open.
Got it!
It's... 33, 26...
- Okay, hold on.
- 15.
Bobby, the safe's empty.
- What?
- It's fucking empty!
- What do you mean it's fucking empty?
- There's not a goddamn thing in here!
Fuck, Bobby, just turn on the lights.
Fuck.
I got it.
Holy shit.
- Mr. Wolfson?
- Oh, my God.
Okay, Sue, we got to go.
Sue, we got to go.
BJ.
BJ!
- BJ.
- BJ...
What the fuck?
You think that you're so fucking smart.
Both of you, I mean, you thought
you were going away together.
Well, guess what?
You are,
but... not to college and not together.
It was all part of the plan.
All of it.
Giff came up with it.
Right after...
I told him about you two.
After I told him what you've been
doing behind my back.
You know what? We fixed you,
we fixed you good.
We got you to take Big Red's loot
so we can take it from you,
and then, well... we'd bust you for it.
That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Yeah? Well...
you fell for it. Both of you.
Yup, and it looks like
we're not the only ones.
Now, what the fuck does that mean?
It means, BJ...
that if this was all part of your plan,
then you must've been the ones
to kill the Wolfsons, right?
What the fuck did you just say?
What the fuck is she talking about man?
Listen, man,
the Wolfsons...
are fucking dead, okay?
Fucking shot through the head, dead.
Bullshit!
Where did you put the money?
There is no fucking money.
Where'd you put the fucking money?
Is...
- What'd you fucking do with the money?
- Settle down there, BJ.
What the fuck?
It's in a safe place.
It's all right.
Hey, sweet pea.
Give me that, son.
Sorry, Giff, I didn't...
I didn't mean to take your gun.
- I didn't mean to.
- Now, it's all right.
I don't understand. They...
they said the Wolfsons are dead,
but I told them that was bullshit
because, you know, they exist, right?
There's no... there's no way
you'd kill somebody who exists, right?
Just fucking Mexicans, right?
Just fucking Mexicans.
I would... I would never
kill the Wolfsons.
But they did have do die,
there's no argument there.
They work for Big Red, you know,
loose ends and whatnot.
I dont... I don't understand.
Are they dead or they ain't dead?
Oh, they are as dead as disco.
Wait.
I mean, if you didn't kill them,
who the fuck did?
Well...
- you did.
- No, I didn't.
I didn't... I didn't fucking
kill nobody.
Yes, you did.
It was you too, sweet pea.
And you, Bobby.
Well, you were all in on it,
and then when I caught you
red handed, what'd you do?
You all put guns on me.
I mean, come the fuck on.
Wait, wait, Giff, look.
Not real, right? Not real.
Yeah, that's all right.
I'll put a real one
in your hand after I drop you.
FYI, it'll be the same piece
you used on the Wolfsons.
But I... I didn't.
Sure you did.
You did. And I caught you in the act.
Well, at least that's
what I'm going to tell...
whoever asks after I call the cops
to pick up whatever is left of you two.
Hell, I might even get
elected sheriff for this.
Replace that...
greedy sack of stupid
waiting for his 10%.
Where was I? Oh, yeah.
Wait, wait, wait!
Okay, I'm waiting.
Big Red...
I told him.
All right, I like games, honey,
but I don't have time...
No, no, no, it's not a game,
Giff, it's real.
- Oh, shit.
- I told him everything,
and he's coming here for you.
No, you didn't.
- I did.
- No, you didn't.
I mean...
how could you?
- I called him.
- Okay, see, right there.
That is the biggest pile of steaming
horse shit I have ever heard.
What do you mean you called him?
What did you do?
Look him up in the Yellow Pages,
under gangster?
- Or in the white pages, under Red?
- No.
I Nancy Drew-ed it, motherfucker.
When Big Red's men made the drop,
Bobby took down the plates.
When he told me what happened,
I got an idea.
Rain falls on 32 men.
I typed it in,
and just like that, I got a number.
And I called it.
And a man answered.
You know what I did?
I did what no one ever does.
I told the goddamn truth.
So he's coming here.
He's coming for you.
Armed to the teeth
with guns, and knives,
and whatever the medieval
fucked up bullshit he uses.
And that means you're fucked.
How do I know you ain't bluffing?
Because if I didn't call him,
then why the fuck did he you call you
and tell you he was coming early?
He did?
- Yes, he did.
- No, he didn't.
Now, you're bluffing.
I don't have to. Already did.
- That's how I know you're full of shit.
- No, Giff, it's not...
- Now you're going to die.
- No, no, no, I did call...
Run!
Wait! Wait!
Okay.
Hey, you know, Big Red never called.
Nobody called,
that was just a bunch of bullshit.
Yeah.
Hey, you know, the only reason
I even said he called...
the only reason I even moved it up,
was to make sure you fucktards
went through with it.
I have to admit,
I am a little bit impatient,
and I do like to change
the rules mid-game
because it just makes it
so much more exciting.
Like in Gladiator,
when they release those tigers
right in the middle of the fight.
Or in Rocky 2? Do you remember that one?
When the Southpaw learned
to fight with his right hand.
Apollo wasn't expecting that at all.
And what did that do?
It made for a better fight, didn't it?
Why?
Because Rocky changed the rules.
Just like I did to you,
motherfucker.
I hear you.
I hear you.
Oh, that was fun.
Bobby.
Now turn that frown upside down.
You are looking at this all wrong, son.
I mean, you shouldn't be pissing
your pants like you are right now.
No, you should be...
hell, you should be thanking me.
'Cause that's what I'm trying to do.
I am trying to...
I'm trying to save you
from a world of pain,
like a three legged horse,
I am putting you down, boy.
Take a look at her.
Go on, take a good long look at her.
She ain't going to stay with you.
You all leaving here
for bigger and better things.
That's exactly what
she's going to find, Bobby.
No more Bobby shit-for-brains.
She's going to get herself a city boy.
With all kinds of money, ambition,
hell, maybe he'll even
have a driver's license.
You know, I'm telling you, Bobby,
she was going to leave you,
and she wasn't even going to look back.
So...
it's not like I'm killing you,
more like I'm saving you.
Bobby.
Bobby, open your eyes.
Bobby, open your eyes now, okay?
I love you.
Now, now, Nancy Drew.
- Now, look at you.
- Yeah, look at me.
You used to have two boyfriends,
and now you ain't got none.
Fuck you!
Okay.
Very tempted, but... I can't feel
anything from the neck down,
at this moment in time.
You expecting someone...
baby?
Oh, shit.
Shit.
- You Sue?
- I am.
Big fucking Red.
Where's my money, Sue?
You have to take that up with this...
brokeback fucktard over here.
- Is that right?
- That's right.
The money wasn't in the safe.
That right, Giff?
Are you the... how did she put it...
the... fucktard that's got my money?
Who is this other fucktard?
That's Bobby.
Bobby?
I'm not a fucktard.
- I thought you were dead.
- I think... I think my ribs are broke.
My arm, maybe.
- Don't think I'm dead, though.
- Not yet, you're not.
Well, Sue, I suggest that you...
pick up your little friend here and...
the two you get the fuck
out of my cotton gin.
Now.
I'll be having a chat
with Old Giff here.
Just a word or two about the whereabouts
of my money. What do you say, Giff?
Where's my money?
In my butt.
Hey, Big Red...
did I ever tell you
that that is the dumbest...
most un-inspiring gangster name
I have ever heard in my life.
What did you do,
drive around in your big red car,
in your big truck and say, I'm Big Red?
Is that one of the 32 ways?
What do you mean?
To tell a story...
you said there were 32 ways.
I didn't say that, Jim Thomson did.
Left, right, left, right, left
Pack 'em up Charlie,
gonna leave this place
Turn our shoulders to the empty space
It don't matter if you're gone today
Long as everybody stay away
Rich is rich and poor is poor
And the money you had ain't good no more
Wait in a line, wait in a line
Hey, mister, can I buy a little time?
Everything you planted has gone to rot
No one around to pull the little you got
Four big wheels, American steel
Pour gasoline on the killing field
March them soldiers down that line
March them boys in straight time
Good four boys like feel on the fire
Bad news comin' down the AP wire
Taciturn til your fingers burn
What, if anything, did you earn?
Pain it tastes like a savage fire
The blood lust of the youth gone wild
Everything you planted has gone to rot
No one around to pull the little you got
Four big wheels, American steel
Pour gasoline on the killing field
Everybody's sick,
there's a fever going around
Set it on fire
and burn the whole thing down
Go somewhere, start a new town
Where nobody has to hear
that terrible sound
Everything you planted has gone to rot
No one around to pull the little you got
Four big wheels, American steel
Pourin' gasoline on the killing field
Pourin' gasoline on the killing field
Pourin' gasoline on the killing field