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Badass Monster Killer (2015)
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(FUNKY MUSIC) Standing in the ally of Camaroville waitin' for my woman with those dollar bills (SCREAMS) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Hey Freddy. Shit. Baby, don't ever sneak up on a brother like that. I almost just shot your fuckin' face off. Do you even realize you almost just got your fucking face shot off? Take it easy Freddy. Oh, now good, you got it. It's a whole lot of freaky shit going down these days, okay. That's what I'm talking about. Shit, you lucky that a motherfucker like me looking out for your ass. If it wasn't for me, you'd still be down there doing the hoochie coochie on Mooch Street, for top ramen money. Fucker. Now don't think I won't send your motherfuckin' ass back there too, shit. Where the rest of it? Shit Freddy, you say that every night. Seriously. No matter how much fucking money I hand you, you still say it's not enough. That's because you aught to be making more money. Fuck you Freddy. I mean it. I been hustling for you for almost nine months. It's time you start showing me some respect. Respect, hmm? Showing you some respect. Start showing you a little bit of motherfuckin' respect. Maybe you right. And maybe we need to have a little talk about supply and demand. See the way it works is you supply the pussy, and I demand the money. Understand me? I'm tired of having the same old bullshit talk with you. Fuck around here with my time. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Ah shit. Uncle Poon. Don't ever sneak up on a brother like that man. Freddy. You know I always liked you. I always try to look after you. Yeah, well you know we always been tight and shit, right. Yeah, that's right Freddy. That's why it breaks my heart to see you fuck it up so badly. What you, what you talkin' 'bout Uncle Poon? I'm talking about Freddy, is that if you keep selling your girls on my side of the street, I'm gonna snatch 'em up. And I'm gonna keep them. Yeah, you and what army? You know what army. Aw shit man. Don't tell me them insane motherfuckers done got your ass too. Insane motherfuckers that popped Daddy Rolling Stone. (GUN SHOTS) Shit. (DEMONIC GASPING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) You all going to have to do better than that Freddy. Bullshit. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) Freeze motherfucker. (GROWLING) (GUN SHOT) (GUN SHOTS) What is that thing? Take it easy baby. I got everything under control. Nine millimeter silver bullets. Marinated in just the right kind of voodoo. But... Listen up momma, cause I'm only gonna say this once, I work for a very top secret branch of the government that exist to do battle with supernatural, diabolical occult forces that most people don't even know exist. But? Now you if you're with that maybe later on me and you can get it together, but right now, I got business. (FUNKY MUSIC) (GROWLING) (GUN SHOTS) (GASPING) (FUNKY MUSIC) Jimmy Chevelle is Gonna lay it on you NARRATOR: Most cats don't even realize there a serious cosmic struggle going on right under their noses. Unspeakable motherfuckin' evil that lurks on the threshold of reality, waiting for any opportunity to enslave mankind. I'm Jimmy Chevelle, and I carry a badge for the Department of Supernatural Security. It's my job to kick evil's ass. Nice. Mind if I put on some music? Whatever turns you on baby. (FUNKY MUSIC) Necronomicon Blues. (FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC) It was like someone was pulling the tail of a cat that was gargling a poison milkshake. Yeah, that crazy jazz ain't everybody's bag. But some of the more far out tracks are guaranteed to exercise and vaporize certain dangerous creatures from beyond the void. Jimmy, I just wanted you to know that well, I'm really glad that you're out there, you know doing battle against diabolical, supernatural occult forces that most people don't even know exist. (FUNKY MUSIC) You know what you have to do Now you have to do it I observed the alleged suspect as he shape shifted into some kind of hideous motherfuckin' creature, like a cross between a prehistoric saber toothed werepossum and James Brown on PCP. And then it tried to waste this seriously foxy chick, and when I say seriously foxy, I mean fucking seriously foxy. This chick had it all together. I'm talking fine ass, titties, and a little bit of extra booty, like you know I like. What the fuck is this? Dammit Chevelle, I thought I told you to stop using god damned swear words in your fucking report. The shape shifting son of a bitch had this on. Damn. Don't worry Chief, I'm on the case. (FUNKY MUSIC) Gentlemen, we stand on the edge of a solid gold future. Beyond the dark abyss of reality, in the frozen obscene wastes between space and time, there is a gate. And behind this gate lurks Mighty Cthulhu, and his glorious elder brethren, eternally waiting to be unleashed once more upon this unworthy world. Indeed, that is not dead which can eternal lie, and a given strange eons, even death may die. Can you dig it? Well can you dig it baby? (FUNKY MUSIC) What the fuck do you fools think you're doing? (FUNKY MUSIC) I hear you been asking a lot of people a lot of questions Jimmy. Yeah, so. So. You got anything you want to ask me? I can think of a couple things. Such as? Such as are you still dealing black market guns? Next question. What do you know about this? Nothing. See I don't buy that. You've always been the most smart and together happening fox in this whole town. I said I don't know nothing about that Jimmy. You sure the Maldonado family isn't mixed up in this shit? Fuck no. We ain't got nothing do to with that phony supernatural jackass. Alright, look, about a month ago, this freaky dude rolls into town and talking some jive ass hocus pocus shit. At first it was just a joke, but this guy, shit, Jimmy, this dude, he's like a cross between, between Vincent Price and Jim Jones. This is bad Jimmy, real bad. (FUNKY MUSIC) It's real bad Jimmy JIMMY: You're damn right it was bad, it was end of the fucking world kind of bad. And it was about to get worse. It's about to get real, real, real, Real bad In this world There is evil And it's coming to rip out your spine But there's a line In the darkness That killing monsters Is how you will shine (FUNKY MUSIC) His name is Jimmy Chevelle And he's coming for you If you're an evil monster There ain't nothin' you can do Jimmy Chevelle, good to see you my man. What do you know about that? I don't know shit about that shit. Sure you do. Don't with that baby. Says who? Says me. (SCREAMS) What do you know about this shit ugly? That's for me to know and you to find out. You're gonna find out about my fist in your face if you don't start talkin' motherfucker. Why don't you make me. (FUNKY MUSIC) (CRYING) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) Freeze motherfucker. Oh, oh god. What the shit is that thing? Don't worry baby, I got everything under control. To turn your back on evil Is a price you cannot afford When you've thrown your shoes at people Who can pull out your spinal chord (SCREAMS) Now listen up mamma cause I'm only gonna lay this on you once, I work for a very top secret branch of the government that exists to do battle with supernatural, diabolical occult forces that most people don't even know exist. Now if you're cool with that, maybe later on you and me can get it together, but right now, I got business. (FUNKY MUSIC) (SCREAMS) We are gathered here tonight as instruments of a cruel and beautiful fight for we alone have dared to seek a terrible truth the truth of madness, the truth of chaos, the truth of cosmic horror, that drivels and drools greedily at the bareth threshold of reality Ah hell yeah. We taking control of all the pussy in Camaroville, and we about to take control of all the drugs, we control all the pussy and the drugs, nobody can stop us. Yeah man, yeah. But what about Jimmy Chevelle boss? Motherfucker ganked Uncle Poon and Big Len. Yeah, and I loved Big Lenny like a brother, although I can honesty go either way with Poon, you know what I'm saying, he's a nice guy... Zip it pinhead. I'm sure that boss has got a plan. Indeed. I've already put in a call to Danny Tcho Tcho, and he's prepared to unleash the Shoggoth. Gentlemen, I assure you Jimmy Chevelle is a dead man. Jimmy is a dead man (FUNKY MELANCHOLY MUSIC) I got a bad feeling about this. Shit baby you always say that. Come on, we face some diabolical supernatural occult bullshit like this before, and we always kick it's ass. What's wrong Jimmy? Yeah, you seem a little uptight baby. You damn right I'm uptight. Somewhere out there there is a diabolical supernatural cult, I got to figure out some way to stop it. Don't worry Jimmy, I'm sure you'll think of something. Damn straight baby, those diabolical supernatural occult forces don't stand a chance. (KNOCK ON THE DOOR) Be cool foxes. Shoot it's fucking face off, Jimmy. Someone order a pizza? My bad. I thought you were somebody else. What's the damage? Say hello to my stinky friend. (MANIACAL LAUGH) What the fuck is wrong with you bringing a motherfucking Shoggoth to my pad? (FUNKY MUSIC) The jazz baby, the crazy jazz is the only way to stop it's protoplasmic action. Now you're gonna get it Jimmy Chevelle. Mr. Stinky's gonna devour your sweet chocolate soul. Side one, track two. No. Where do you think you're going baby? Get your fucking hands off of me. Yeah back off jack off. Oh, I hate this song. (FUNKY JAZZ MUSIC) It sounds like someone's pulling the tail of a cat that it's gurgling a poisonous milkshake. No, Mr. Stinky, no. No Mr. Stinky, no. Listen up chump, you're gonna tell me what I want to know, who put you up to this bullshit? I ain't saying nothing. (FUNKY MUSIC) Start talking. Start dying. Oh, you're gonna fucking cut me huh? You cutting me? You gonna stab this guy? (CRYING) Go on. Go on, motherfucker stab me. (CRYING) They made me do it, Jimmy, they made me dress up like a pizza delivery guy and deliver a pizza that's really a Shoggoth sent here to assassinate you man. I'm gonna ask you one more time, who put you up to this diabolical bullshit? They'll kill me man, worse than kill me, I'm sworn to silence about this. So go ahead do your worst Chevelle, because there's nothing that you can do that would be worse than what the Knights of Chaos would do to me if they found out that I told you it was them that. Oh shit. Goddamn it. Not only did Danny Tcho Tcho fail to waste Jimmy Chevelle, he spilled his no good snitch ass guts about this whole operation. Very well. Gentlemen it appears this situation calls for a rather desperate measure. I'm afraid we're gonna have to call in a favor from our Fungoid friends from Ayugof. Geeze boss, do we have to? Seems those fuckers are weird man. They even freak me out and I'm a stone cold super freak. No, it's fine... (FUNKY DANCE MUSIC) After defeating the Shogoff and interrogating the evil pizza delivery guy, I realized I hand in fact uncovered indisputable and undeniable evidence and proof that a diabolical evil ass cult is operating in Camaroville. And if they are not stopped soon, the whole city is going to be totally funked. Look Jimmy, I appreciate that you didn't use any swear words in your report, but shit, man do you realize what the fuck this means? What it means is that these evil ass diabolical cultists are the same evil ass diabolical cultists that wasted my partner five years ago. It also means that you're off of the case as of now. Sorry Jimmy, but you're just too close to it. Yeah, well so what if I am? So you're off of the case. Look Chief, I swore that if I ever got my hands on those rat salad sandwich eating motherfuckers I would make them pay. (EVIL LAUGHTER) Jimmy. Jimmy. (SCREAMS) If I ever catch you rat salad sandwich eating motherfuckers, I'll make you pay. So if you want to toss me off the case, then go right ahead, but I'm gonna go after them myself, and there's nothing you can do to stop me, so just stay out of my way baby. The Knights of Chaos Came back to enslave us JIMMY: That's right, the Knights of Chaos were back, and these motherfuckers were the worst of the worst. They worship the so called Great Old Ones, who were super fuckin' powerful alien beings that came down from the stars millions years of ago. Down from the stars And this cult of degenerate sons of bitches believed that when the stars were right, these great old ones would rise up and enslave, I can't believe this motherfucker... You've been enslaved by the jungle juice baby What the fuck do you think you're doing fool? Easy baby, I'm just a little drunk on the funk. What does it look like I'm doing here baby? Looks like you doing is getting vomit on my ride sucker. Be cool baby, be cool. (FUNKY MUSIC) Don't you know this neighborhood can be real dangerous for the fuzz. Is that right? When are you gonna quit working for the man Jimmy? When you gonna quit doing crime? Get out of here. I had a dream last night Jimmy. I dreamed that me and you it was on a regular kind of date. We were at the movies, you know eating popcorn and stuff. The weird thing is, in this movie, the spirit of James Brown was rising from the grave to deliver vengeance and rath upon the unfunky. That's some heavy shit babe. I gotta cut. Be careful out there Jimmy. (FUNKY MUSIC) It says right here in the Necronomicon that the elder sign is a five pointed star with the flaming eye at it's center. Check this out. Is that a clue? It's like an upside down elder sign. Okay, no matter what Jimmy you got to make sure that these diabolical cult forces never ever, ever get their hands on the Necronomicon. Your damn right. Those elder sons of bitches are up to some serious shit. What are we gonna do Jimmy? I can think of a couple things. (SCREAMS) What the fuck is a matter with you? Huh? I'm in there trying to come up with a plan of how to keep the Earth from being enslaved by fucked up creatures from beyond and shit. How's a brother supposed to concentrate with you out here screaming like a bitch? (SCREAMING) Don't make me beat your ass. I'm afraid that it is your ass that is about to get beat, Jimmy Chevelle. Fuckin' A right. Do you even know what we're gonna do to you? No, of course you don't because you're puny human intellect can't wrap itself around our supreme interstellar evil. (EVIL LAUGHS) Take it easy baby. I got everything under control. I don't think you realize what you're up against. These things are... Listen up momma cause I'm only gonna say this once, I work for a very top secret branch of the government that exists to do battle with supernatural, diabolical occult forces that most people don't even know exist. Now if you're cool with that, maybe later on you and me can get it together, but right now, I got business. You two bug ugly chumps ready for your ass whoopin? That's pretty tough talk for an inferior being that I'm about to make my bitch. That's right fool, we're going to extract your brain from your scull and place it in a glass sculpture at Sportcena, and ship it back across the cold abyss of space to our world. The mothership connection motherfucker. Yeah, and then we are going to experiment on your mind. (EVIL LAUGHTER) Experiment on this motherfucker. (GUN SHOT) (GUN SHOTS) Silly human, it's useless to struggle. Oh shit. (GUN SHOTS) The Necronomicon. At last, all the forbidden knowledge of the bad era is mine. The obscene cosmic secrets of time and space revealed then stripped naked for my very eyes. Naked before my eyes What's happening Jimmy You thinkin' bout the past Promise me, that if anything happens to me that you'll take care of my baby. Ain't shit gonna happen to you. Ain't shit gonna happen to you. Ain't shit gonna happen to you. (FUNKY MUSIC) Oh yeah Hey there foxy lady you're looking to purchase, score some illegal narcotics? Yeah, you know, dope. Are you squares for reals? Yeah baby, and we're definitely, totally not the fuzz. Yeah, yeah. We're not the fuzz We're not the fuzz We're not the fuzz We're not the fuzz We're not the fuzz After rescuing another stone cold fox from the evil clutches of the evil cult. I took her back to my pad to meet my other stone cold foxes. We made sweet, sweet love and then I began training them to be my own personal super foxy kung fu strike force. Solid. God dammit Chevelle, I thought I fucking told you to stay away from this God damned case. And I told you Chief, I couldn't do that. Alright Jimmy, we'll play it your way for now. Right on. Hey Chief, I'm gonna need some more silver bullets. Damn it Chevelle, do you have any idea how much silver bullets cost. Probably less than gold bullets. Very funny Chevelle, very funny. But for your information, they cost a lot of fucking money, a lot. You shot that last dude nine times, nine fucking times. I'm gonna need three, maybe four more clips. Look, I can put in a requisition request but it's gonna take a few days. Damn it Chief, I don't have a few days. I think you're gonna like this. Looks like an ordinary asthma inhaler, but it fires a blast of lethal face melting gas. What about this? Looks like a normal phone. And it functions like a normal phone too, and it's packed with enough explosives to take out half a city block. Blammo. All you got to do is enter a six digit code, 36, 24, I can dig it Chief. And this is my favorite. A standard department issued mag light, but watch. Right on. Hold on. This could be a clue. This Jimmy Chevelle? I'm the guy who is all about the shit you've been asking all over town. Loose lips on a dirty little snitch alright I'll keep talking. Alright, come to the old and smoke cannery. Come alone and don't keep me waiting, cause I got a lot to say. (FUNKY MUSIC) Freeze motherfucker. Easy there, I'm the guy that phoned you. You know, on the phone. That's right. I know all about the shit you been asking all over town about. I know a lot of shit about a lot of shit. Dig it. It all started the night Daddy Rolling Stone died. Now as everybody knows, Daddy Rolling Stone was a deadly serious stone cold mack of legendary status. And I was his bodyguard, personal assistant, and righteous right hand motherfuck. Gentlemen, I'm sure you're wondering why I called you here this evening. Shit yeah we're wondering, we're hella wondering, man. Shut the fuck up. You are here because you control the major sources of prostitution in east Camaroville. And from now on, you'll be working for me. Like hell I will. The fuck make think you just roll up in town and take over my shit? I'm glad you asked. You see we've spent the last five years waiting for the moment when the stars would be right. And also completely renovating and redecorating our lair. And now, the moment of our unholy destiny is at the threshold. Check it out. Check it out Oh yeah baby Soon, her transformation will be complete. Soon, her destiny will be fulfilled. Soon, she will be born again as the bride of Cthulhu. Born again Bride of Cthulhu Is that right? Well I don't make deals with devil worshiping motherfuckers. And I sure don't make deals with devil worshiping motherfuckers that's crazy motherfuckers. Even if I did make deals with devil worshiping motherfuckers that's crazy motherfuckers, I wouldn't fuck with your ass. You motherfuckers creep me the fuck out. (GUN SHOTS) (LAUGHTER) It seems we have an opportunity available. How would you feel about being in charge of our prostitution operations on the east side? Yeah, yeah (LAUGHS) Far out man. Yeah, let's get down to business. First there is a small matter of your initiation. Maybe I can dig, you want me to prove my loyalty and shit, yeah, you want me to go out and shank some motherfucker, maybe maybe. The initiation rites of the esoteric Knights of Chaos have been passed down in secrecy through the centuries. Right on man, yeah, whatever you, just, what do I got to do? You are to disrobe and recline in a casket, and then at the stroke of midnight, the rest of us gather and spill our seed on you. You want me to get buck ass naked in a fucking coffin while you guys jack off on me? You know what I just realized I got some very serious pimping business to attend to, so, I gotta go. That's when I hauled ass out of there and I been on the run ever since. Man I been hounded by unstoppable, diabolical forces that want to jack off on me. And nothing can stop them Jimmy. Nothing can stop them. Sounds like you got a serious problem. You don't understand man, the whole city's got a serious problem. Man these perverts already see is who holds the ball of poonanny in this town, and after tonight, they gonna control the goddamned dope market too. Nice story. I wonder how much of it is true. Who the fuck? You been following me? Who are you? What the hell are you doing here huh? Why the fuck you been following me, huh? Huh, why the fuck you following me? You better start giving me some answers bitch, or I will... Oh god. How do you like that answer? Or that one? Maybe you were wondering about this. Now, got any more questions for me, bitch? No, I think I'm good on questions. Man you're lucky she didn't cut you. (LOUD GROWLING) What the shit was that? Oh man, probably some of them unstoppable, diabolical forces that have been hounding me. Don't let them jack off on me Jimmy. Well, well, well, what do we have here? The fuzz, the snitch, and the Maldonado bitch. Looks like I'm gonna take care of three problems at once. Get out of here you creepy fuck. What if I don't want to? (LOUD ALIEN MOANING) Is that the sound of what I think that's the sound of? That's right Jon, that's the motherfuckin hound of the motherfuckin Tinelos. (SCREAMS) (GROWLING) (GUN SHOTS) (YELLS) (SCREAMS) (GARGLED CRIES) (WHIMPERS) (ALIEN MOANS) Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy. Jimmy, oh god. Got to stop them man. Oh shit man, like a unstoppable, unspeakable, demon goddesses is gonna devour the souls of every motherfucker in Camaroville. You got to stop them, Jimmy. And Jimmy, thanks man. Thanks for not letting them jack off on me. (FUNKY CONSPICUOUS MUSIC) You got the stuff? Yeah we got the stuff. Where's the bread? Yeah. 50 large. Five keys, uncut black lotus opium. Freeze motherfuckers! Whoa there, take it easy homie. Yeah, be chill dog. Yeah, super chill. (MACHINE GUN FIRE) (GUN SHOTS) Shit baby, why you got to be so cold blooded? I'm getting real tired of your stupid face amigo. I'm not your amigo chump. Who you calling chump fool? I'm calling you a chump, chump. And after I kick your chump ass, I'm gonna put a stop to your whole chump ass cult. How you like the sound of that? Chump. (GUN SHOT) (LAUGHTER) Well I don't know but how you like the sound of this hesse? Oh smooth song. Oh it sounds good right. Oh I hate this new hip hop music. Turn it up. Uh oh, you in trouble now. Shit baby, that ain't no normal beat. That's some backwards chanting, monster summoning bullshit. What? (YELLS) (GUN SHOTS) Whoa, whoa, whoa amigo. Check it out. The girl in the leather, watch as she's getting fucked up now. How you like that. You like that shit? (GUN SHOTS) (GUN SHOTS) (SCREAMS) (GUN SHOTS) Get your fuckin hands where I can see them and don't make any sudden moves. Yeah. Whoa, easy now. You don't know who you're dealing with. I work for a very top secret branch of the government that exists to do battle with supernatural, diabolical occult forces that most people don't even know exist. So do we. Dammit Jimmy. Do you even care how badly you fucked up? Do you realize that Detectives Riggs and Manatucci have been involved in an ongoing, undercover investigation for the last nine months. I didn't want to have to do this but you've given me no choice Jimmy. Give me your badge and gun. Hold it there Chief. We need him on this case. Five years ago, you and your partner stamped out this cult of degenerate psychopaths dedicated to the great old ones who lived ages before mankind. That's right. Why don't you tell me something I don't already know. Like I don't know, why are you two dealing black lotus opium to dangerous cultists? Because smart guy, we were undercover. Duh. Well thanks for clearing that up. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some real work to do. Agent Chevelle, you've dealt with these fuckers before, you have first hand experience of what we're dealing with. We need you man. Yeah. I'm sorry, I don't work with chumps. God dammit Chevelle, you play ball here or you're out of the fucking game. You know what Chief, I told you I was gonna do things my way, the Jimmy Chevelle way. So just stay out of my way baby. Jimmy quit the police Gonna do things his way (DEMONIC CHANTING) Freeze motherfuckers! Well, we've been anticipating your arrival. Yeah, well I hope you've been anticipating this stone cold ass beating I'm about to lay down on you sucker. (GUN SHOTS) (LAUGHTER) You my friend are a fleeting annoyance will be brushed aside and forgotten. However you my dear are another matter entirely. Indeed your destiny... As I was saying, your destiny is much more interesting. And it begins with a baptism in the Eldredge flames of mass. (SCREAMS) Jimmy. Jimmy, help me. Help me Jimmy. (EVIL LAUGH) Help me Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy I can feel it, it's eating my soul. (SCREAMS) What's your next move Jimmy What's it gonna be JIMMY: I wasn't sure what my next move was gonna be. But I had a feeling it was gonna involve a super foxy chick with access to an ass load of black market firearms and explosives. But look, it's really simple, you either have my guns or you don't have my fucking guns, comprende? You want me, we should go over there? What do you think genius? Just the chick I was looking for. What say you and me get down to business. And when I say business, what I really mean is pleasure. Don't jive me sucker. We both know that you and I can't get together as long as I'm a criminal and you're a cop. I ain't a cop no more, cause I quit being a cop. Right on. I was wondering when you was gonna wise up. I need a favor baby. Gentlemen, as you know, we have taken control of the major sources of marijuana coming into Camaroville. And with just a few grains of this black lotus opium, that ordinary reefer is transformed into a potent psychotropic that not only effects the central nervous system, it permanently alters brain function. I call this powerful new blend the Necronomichronic. Necronomichronic baby And even now it is being distributed throughout the city where it will not only speed the metamorphosis of the masses, but prepare them to be enslaved by the great old ones. Can you dig it? Well, can you dig it? Yeah, sure boss, but does this Necronomichronic still get you high like regular weed? Oh I should say so. It will get you high Like regular weed will Nobody fucking move, you're all under arrest. That's right mister, your days of trying to enslave the Earth are over. Yeah, we're bringing your crumby asses to justice. Oh yes, the forces of justice. How good of you to join us. Indeed this saves me the trouble of having to send for you. You want me to stab her now boss? Not yet. She can still be of further use. Gonna turn that woman The chief of police, Into a dope smoker To make her work for me You evil son of a bitch, you ain't gonna turn me into a goddamned dope smoker. Oh, I'm afraid I must insist. (EVIL LAUGHTER) Far out. Hi daddy. What the hell are you doing bring a cop in here? This is my night off sweetheart. And you know damn well on daddy's night off he likes to enjoy some amateur strippers and not be hassled by the fuzz. But daddy he's not a cop anymore. That's right. I'm not a cop no more. Cause I quit being a cop. Please daddy. Alright, alright, alright, let's hear what he has to say. Dig it. We both know that there's some diabolical, occult basters out there that have taken over Camaroville. Now sooner or later, you're either gonna be forced to join up with these guys, or get out of business. Maybe, just maybe. What's your point? My point is I can deal with them, but I need some help. So just speaking hypothetically, if I was gonna give you a little help, what are you looking for? I'm thinking maybe 200 pounds of plastic explosives will do the trick. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, we can do that. Why don't you come around early tomorrow morning, we'll make it happen. I need this shit tonight. Alright, alright. Grouch, take Taco Donnie on my car, go get the shit and bring it back. No, no, no, that won't work. Why not boss? Because we took a fucking cab here genius. Listen, listen, why don't you and Taco Donnie take his car and go get the shit and bring it back. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Neither one of these clowns is driving my car. I'll drive. No. No way. No way. I don't want the fuzz, or the ex fuzz to know where my stash is. And I'm not letting those idiots drive my car. So we're gonna have to figure something else out here, okay. I have an idea. This is some pretty fucked up shit, you know that right. I don't see what the big deal is. Everything is going to be fine. Oh it better be. You be super fuckin' careful you hear me. Don't worry. And don't be fuckin' with my radio. Right here baby. (SCREAMS) Look out boss. (LAUGHTER) (SCREAMS) Do something. Get out of my way you son of a bitch. (SCREAMS) Take 'em out boy, acid shooting titties. Who would have figured. Drop the weapon Chevelle. Fuck you Chief. You're not the chief of me no more. (GUN SHOTS) The old ones were, the old ones are, and the old ones shall be. We who speed their return shall be blessed with divine madness, while the rest of you shall be as dancing whores existing only to amuse your masters. Amuse? I'm gonna be real fucking amusing. (FUNKY MUSIC) Shit. How 'bout that? Was that amusing enough for you. You're too late. When the great old ones get back, you are gonna be sorry Jimmy. Shut up. Give me back my badge you headless bitch. And so once again we meet Jimmy Chevelle. Once again you dare stand in the way of my unholy destiny. And once again, you will fail. The stars are right. The time is now. Nothing can stop us. (SCREAMS) You thought I died in the fire. But you were wrong. I was reborn. No. No. We're supposed to do battle against supernatural, diabolical occult forces that most people don't even know exist. We were wrong. Humanity is nothing but an insignificant speck in the eyes of the great old ones. We were partners. And we can be again Jimmy. But. Join us Jimmy. No. I got to keep doing battle against supernatural diabolical occult forces most people don't even know exist. (EVIL LAUGHTER) Jimmy Your ex is evil You shouldn't get with those kinds of people The old ones were, the old ones are, and the old ones shall be. Not in places we know, but between them. The walk serene and primal undimensioned, and to us unseen. (EVIL LAUGHTER) Behold the bride of Cthulhu. Freeze motherfuckers. Solid. Take it easy baby. We got everything under control. That's right we're a foxy strike force of deadly foxes dedicated to doing battle with supernatural diabolical occult forces that most people don't even know exist. And if you're cool with that, then maybe later we could get together. Right now, we got business. (GUN SHOTS) (GUN SHOTS) (EVIL LAUGHTER) Just try and hold it off. I got something that will stop it for good. You cannot stop my unstoppable, unholy destiny Jimmy Chevelle. See that's where you're wrong sucker. Cause I got enough explosives in here to level a city block. And now your soul will feed the insatiable appetite of the bride of Cthulhu. (SCREAMS) I'd like to stick around baby, but I don't dig getting blown up into a million and fuck pieces. 36, 24, (PHONE RINGS) That's right, that's what you get when you fuck with Jimmy Chevelle. You get your diabolical ass blown the fuck up. PHONE: We are sorry, the six digit code you entered has too much booty, please try again. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (ROARS) (SCREAMS) (ROARS) We gotta get the fuck out of here baby. What we gotta do is stop that monster bitch. You crazy baby, that is one unstoppable, undefeatable juggernaut of unholy destruction. I have about 250 pounds of plastic explosives packed in the trunk of your car, and the back seat is full of napalm canisters. (SCREAMS) You think you gonna make a slave of the world, I'll see you in hell first. (MONSTER SCREAMS) What the hell is it Jimmy? It's one of the great old ones, an ancient extraterrestrial abomination from beyond space and time. Terrible herald of infinite madness and unimaginable horror, a sanity shattering bringer of limitless gibbering Cyclopean chaos. Shit baby, that's the Bride of Cthulhu and I just kicked it's ass. When I'm in the jungle he is my best friend Shaggy Elephant Shaggy Elephant When I need someone, I know that I can depend on Shaggy Elephant Shaggy Elephant When you're feeling down climb on his back and ride around Shaggy Elephant Shaggy Elephant When you're in a funk he'll stomp his feet and wave his trunk Because he's Shaggy Elephant Shaggy Elephant Shaggy I love you Shaggy Elephant I love you Shaggy Elephant I love you baby Come on Shaggy Elephant you came around Movin' to a grove and it shook the ground Now we can't stop movin' to that sound Thank Shaggy Elephant For showin' us how to get down. Shaggy Elephant you came around Movin' to a grove and it shook the ground Now we can't stop movin' to that sound Thank you Shaggy Elephant For showin' us how to get down |
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