[Women moaning]
[Cartoony bouncing sounds]
[Tearing sound]
Oh my God, I think he's going bald.
[Women screaming]
[All screaming]
I'm 20 years old, and
I'm losing all of my hair.
Every day, it thins more and more.
My best friend Max says
no one can even notice,
but I know that's not true.
If I was rich, I could
get a hair transplant
or one of those serious
Hollywood hairpieces.
But I'm not rich.
I'm bald.
Come on Growpecia, I've
waited the six months.
Start working.
I used to get all the girlies.
Now I barely get kitty cat once a month.
I tried stopping my hair loss.
Nothing works.
This doesn't work either.
I need the brush Jack Nicholson
used in Anger Management.
That thing was incredible.
Come to think of it, Jack
Nicholson is incredible.
I'm gonna have to wear a hat every day
for the rest of my life.
Print my paper, smoke my ten paper,
get to class.
People will notice you
wore those pants last week.
Good morning, little buddy.
Hey, is this... is this
new this thing your doing,
'cause it's working.
Will you get out of
here with that stuff?
You're gonna stink up my clothes.
My shuttle's leaving in five minutes.
Now, did you finish your paper?
It's not due today.
[Laughs]
You wore those pants last week.
Well, hello, the B.
You coming to class today?
We got four hecklers for Psych.
The B will be there.
Motherfucker.
Ooh, I wish I'd slept
in here last night.
Shh.
Looking good, ladies.
Looking good.
Max, I'm gonna kick your ass.
When'd you make these?
Last night.
What time?
I don't know, like, 3:30.
Why, do you like them?
They're exceptional.
Ladies, I really think
this is your best work.
I can't believe you're saying that.
When we made it, we were
practically passing out.
I always told you,
a true artist works best at night.
You guys are gonna be huge.
Trust me.
Wait, have you come up with
your new internet idea yet?
Cynthia and I really need
money for our clothing line.
I'm working on it.
What's taking you so long?
Oh, don't worry.
See, the subconscious part of my brain
has been working overtime
the last three weeks,
so any minute now, my idea is gonna pop.
Everyone says you're a genius.
Why aren't you making any money, genius?
Oh, I will.
See, every man just
needs one great idea, one.
It's on the way.
Hmm.
Well, when you come up
with it, we want to help.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
Shouldn't be a problem.
Ladies, it's the good
things that happen slowly.
It's the great things
that happen all at once.
Shuttle's leaving, two minutes.
I kind of like him.
I know.
I slept with him once.
Really?
And how was he?
Incredible.
The best male sex I've ever had.
[Laughs]
Oh.
Unhand that dweeb.
Look at him; he's nothing.
Everybody, those guys are probably gay.
[Extremely loud belching]
Now, you get to class, little buddy.
Go save the world.
[Indistinct whispering]
Look at his bald head.
Got no hair.
[Laughter]
I've got more hair on my balls.
Hey, pal.
Got no hair.
Let's make this quick.
Hello, operator?
Yes, I'm trying to buy some security.
Yes, I'm very insecure.
Oh, you have some in stock.
Great.
No, no, no, I'll take it now.
Is everybody ready?
Is y'all motherfuckers ready?
Y'all gladiators?
We're gonna turn the heat up
in this motherfucker today!
Whoo!
Those are some big ass titties!
Little thirsty.
I want to take the morning after pill
before I go out at night.
That way, I'll be ahead of the game.
Mm-hmm.
What the fuck?
Make sure you ain't got no bomb
or nothing in this... bend over.
Is cum fattening?
I hope Coach partners
me up with Justin.
I just want to rub up all against him.
Good thing I told the coach.
Turn it up.
Sit your ass down.
I wonder if anyone knows I've
been with seven guys this week?
I think I have a problem.
God, that girl's
giving herself a bad name.
She's blown, like, seven
guys in the last week.
But more importantly,
if I fail this class,
then I'll be kicked out of school.
Someone's looking at my bald spot.
Yo, Max.
Yo, fuckin' Andy.
What up, B?
Hey, made a new film.
We're gonna watch it tonight.
Man, you know I love
this snuff film shit.
Morning, everyone.
I have your papers with me,
and I'll be handing them
out at the end of class.
How'd we do?
Did anyone pass?
Did anyone fail?
Is my brother gay?
You all did moderately well.
Who had the highest grade?
Who had the lowest grade?
Make a meal out of a blowjob.
Silence!
[Flatulent sound]
- I'll eat your ass!
- Let me see your balls.
- A whore!
- I'll suck your dick, man.
I promise you, you will
be ejected from my class
and expelled from the school.
Fuck you!
[Belches loudly]
I do have talent, and
Max appreciates it.
I'm bald and out of school.
I officially have nothing to live for.
Not true.
For five grand, you can
fuck a retired porn star.
I've seen the website.
It's real.
I don't think you're listening to me.
I'm kicked out of school,
and I have no money.
You know, maybe taking
some time off school
would be good for you.
Lat time I took a break,
I met Shirtless Cynthia.
Now my life is perfect.
Maybe if you spent less time
organizing the destruction of the class
and spent more time doing your homework,
you wouldn't be in this situation.
Baby, you are so cute.
Come here.
I wonder if they fist each other?
Hey, hey, Drew, huh?
Wake the fuck up, huh, buddy?
I'm awake.
I was just thinking
about something important.
What? Lesbian duos?
No.
I was thinking about what
I'm gonna tell my parents.
Ah, fuck those clowns.
Man, those niggas don't know you.
Yeah, thanks the B.
But that's not gonna help me right now.
Hey, guys.
What's up, O. B?
You're late.
What's wrong with Andy?
Oh, he just got kicked out of school,
and he's broke.
So what's up with
your big internet idea?
Soon.
Soon.
Come into this love, buddy.
I'm going bald, O.B.
So?
I had my first heart attack
while playing with myself.
Life's embarrassing.
That's not so bad.
My mom and her bridge club found me.
Woodsy.
What?
You don't have to worry
about your fucked up hair loss.
Man, they got this Japanese
nigga scientist, man.
This motherfucker figured out a way
to make hair grow on your head
by using dead hair from your anus.
That doesn't help me.
Well, it should.
Ah, fuck it.
I'm a great guy with a lot to offer.
If a girl doesn't want to be with me
just because I have a few less
strands of hair on my head,
who needs her?
Oh, Woodsy.
You like her?
Yes.
And call me Andrew.
Would you have sex with her?
Of course I would.
I, Andrew Wood.
That's my nigga.
Motherfuckin' nigga.
What the fuck?
Hold up!
Where you going in such a hurry?
Please don't look at my hairline.
Please don't look at my hairline.
It's over.
She saw my bald spot.
I'm going to my physics class.
Physics.
You're studying to be an astronaut.
No.
Do you even know what physics is?
Oh, yeah, physics.
Physics is the study of matter, and...
Let's see how long it takes
for him to look at my breasts.
Those things are huge.
I need to suck 'em or at
least tit bang 'em a little.
Girl, if you knew
what I could do to you.
Hello?
My head's up here.
Oh.
Sorry, I was...
Maybe you should ask what my name is.
What's your name?
My name's Caroline.
Thanks for asking.
But I have to head to class,
so I'll see you around, Andrew Wood.
How did you know what my name was?
Devon told me.
Devon.
He was my ultra homosexual friend.
From the moment this boy was born,
all he could think about
was cocks and fashion.
He had helped me before,
and surely he would help me again.
Where would I be without Devon?
Good old, ultra homosexual Devon.
[Knocks on door]
- Who is it?
- It's me.
I need your help with something.
Andy pants, Andy pants,
who is it this time?
Oh, and you brought Max with you.
How's it going, butterball?
Good, Devon.
I'm always good.
Ooh.
You ladies hear about the perverted jock
on the wrestling team?
No, what happened?
Well, apparently...
a player was kicked off the team
for rubbing up against
the other wrestlers.
[Laughter]
See, during their last practice,
he rubbed his manhood...
so hard up against the
other wrestler's back,
that it bruised him.
My only complaint, that
no one sent him to me.
You'd suck him sideways,
wouldn't you, faggot?
I can't believe you just thought that.
This is the 21st century.
Grow up and apologize.
I'm sorry, Devon.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry, why?
Why are you sorry?
Why don't you sit down, Dev?
I can't.
Jesse pounded me so hard last night,
it hurts when I sit.
Now, why do you let him do that?
It's not classy.
I know.
I mean, he's just such
a typical man that way,
trying to prove how strong
he is by banging me up.
It really hurts now.
So, Andrew, why were
you apologizing before?
I was thinking hateful,
terrible thoughts,
and I feel ashamed.
Oh, it was nothing.
I am sorry to hear
about your bum, though.
Oh, don't you worry about it.
It will heal.
[Laughs]
So.
[Gasps]
Hoo!
- You okay?
So what kind of girl do you want?
You want blonde,
brunette, Asian fantasy?
Ooh, ebony queen.
No, no, no, no, this girl knows me.
She said you told her my name.
Well, you're gonna have to give me
a little more info than that, sweetie.
She's got dark hair,
young face,
and classic teardrop titties.
How big?
Weak C.
C?
No, flip back to the B section.
C sounds too big.
Do no such thing.
I got a good look at 'em, saw the cup.
A weak C.
How could you know that?
You only saw her for a second.
Is this the girl?
- Yes.
- Weak C.
Told you.
Wow.
How many girls you got in this book?
It's incredible.
- 1,200.
Amazing.
Thank you.
Okay, her name is Caroline Goldman.
Okay, she's had four boyfriends,
two serious and two flings,
and I think she wants
to make you number three.
Whoa, for a fling
or to be her boyfriend?
Don't know, beats the shit out of me.
How do you know this?
Well, we were talking
about you and Max.
I just only didn't say
anything because, you know,
figured she wasn't your type.
So do you want her phone
number or IM contacto?
Why was she asking about Max?
Honey, we were watching
one of his blooper videos,
and she asked.
Well, how do you know
she likes me and not him?
Because, baby cakes, she
said your pic looked cute.
Who's a pretty?
Well, then, yeah, yeah,
give me her contact info.
Okay.
You know, I love watching you work.
What?
What's wrong with me
having this baby on my list?
Nothing's wrong with it,
but I don't want you yelling at her
when you think she's
staring at your bald spot.
That only happened twice,
and both times the bitches
were staring right at my crown.
Easy, ladies.
Loud noises upset me.
- Sorry, Devon.
- Sorry, Devon.
It's all right.
However, there is
something you can do for me.
What do you need?
I want that sweet wrestler's name.
I want to know where he's at.
Consider it done.
I'll find it tonight on messenger.
Yes, go!
Go and find me... find me my lost boy.
Holy shit.
Who is that?
- Come on.
I still need to find out a
way for us to make some money.
The only way I'm gonna
get back into school
is to pay off the dean,
and I mean pay him off so hard
that he even fixes my transcript.
First I want to say good-bye
to my friend Devon here,
a true, true ladies man.
I respect you.
- Thank you.
See you ladies later, and don't forget:
Everyone's gay; it's all mental.
Free your mind.
Shake it, shake it, shake it.
[Knocks on door]
Come in.
What's wrong, brittlely bones?
I need money.
Max, I can't live like this anymore.
I think I'm gonna have to move home.
Can't have that.
What am I gonna do?
I don't have next month's rent,
and pretty soon, I won't have
enough money for Growpecia.
Does that stuff really work?
Yes.
It just takes time.
What do you need money for?
So that I can buy
my way back into school
and hopefully one day
get a hair transplant.
You would do that, huh?
You would let a doctor
cut open your head
and transfer the hairs?
Not just any doctor.
I want the guy who did
Matthew McConaughey.
- He's going bald?
- And Jude Law.
And that's my point.
No one can tell.
I'm running out of time, Max.
People are laughing
at me everywhere I go,
and... and the ones who don't
laugh look away in shame.
My days are numbered.
Help me.
Please help me, Max.
Give me an hour.
One hour.
I feel an idea a-brewing.
What do I do until then?
Go.
Go to Caroline's.
You place an investigation on her tilly.
Go.
When you come back in
we're gonna be in business.
Go.
[Screams]
Oh, my.
Eww.
He's disgusting.
I never want to go to your house.
Thank you, Max.
How's my hair?
My favorite is still
the boombastic bloopers.
Maybe 'cause it's got
the word boombastic in it,
and I loved to get boomed
in my ass with a dick.
You really love cock, man.
Oh, you know it.
Well, you'll be happy to hear
I have the perverted
wrestler's information for you.
Turns out he's in our Psych class.
Oh, gimme.
His name is Joey Powers,
and from what I hear,
he's practically ready
to bust out of the closet.
Oh, well, if he
needs any help, honey,
I'll break that closet
door off with my throat.
Ride 'em, cowgirl.
Where's he at?
Sixth floor.
You're lying.
No.
Andrew, I need you to
help me fix my computer.
Can you come to my room?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure, I can fix it.
I could also eat your ass.
You hear me?
I will eat your ass.
I will eat it!
Is this bitch working for bin Laden?
Sorry about my room.
I'm in the nuclear development program,
and I love history.
Did you know that Albert
Einstein was Jewish?
- Really?
- Yeah, isn't that funny?
Yeah, Jews are hysterical.
Oh, shit, she might be one of
the few people who hates Jews.
Yeah, my mother is Jewish,
and when I was little,
she used to tell me all these stories
about the great Albert Einstein.
I bet she did.
Houston, this is Andrew Wood.
Come in, please, over.
This is Houston. Go ahead, Andrew.
Yeah, I need clearance for a fly out.
What's your equipment, son?
- I got a half
- Jewish pussy ready for takeoff, over.
Proceed with caution
and make sure not to
promise her anything, over.
Thanks, Houston.
Houston?
What are you talking about?
Oh.
Uh, nothing.
You do that a lot.
What?
I don't know what they call it.
You just kind of wander
off into your thoughts.
That's because I'm going
bald, and I have no confidence.
In another six months,
I'll be as bald as
Bruce Willis or Jude Law.
But then again, Jude's hairline
and general thickness has
improved over the years.
Maybe he had a hair transplant.
This is why I have to go to Hollywood.
- Hello, Andrew?
- Yes.
You're really weird.
But I like you.
You look like Ross...
from Friends.
And Ross is sexy.
Stay focused.
If you want head,
you're gonna have to eat her out first.
Oh, Lord, you are too good to me.
From now on, I'm gonna
do everything in my power
to be a better person.
Bikity.
What?
You are so beautiful.
[Also Sprach Zarathustra plays]
And those are the biggest
bikity tits I've ever seen.
Please don't smell bad.
Please don't smell bad.
If it tastes like trout, get out.
If it tastes like
chicken, keep on lickin'.
Blast off.
Houston, we have ignition.
It tastes like chicken.
Thank you, Lord.
I'm gonna eat this one for you.
Abigail.
What's wrong, O. B?
I just can't take it anymore.
Uh... oh, not again.
You sit down.
You sit down.
We're about to smoke a bucket of weed.
You should have seen it, Max.
They were laughing at me.
They were making fun of me.
Someone even threw something at me, man.
Where were you?
Chicken Shack.
Damn it.
Why do people have to be so cold?
One guy yelled out, "Hey, Lardo.
"You're a real fat pig, aren't you?
You fat pig."
But I'll kill him.
I'll become the bulk, and
I'll kill their ass, man.
You take this out on Mr. Bong.
# Yes, I'm lonely #
# Oh, so lonely #
# If I could only #
# Ride the pony #
# Find a woman #
# I'll start doing the Jamaican jerk #
You think this is
all right with my heart?
Don't be ridiculous.
You got the heart of an elephant.
You hit this 50 times, fast.
# My friends are all laughing #
# My love life is a joke #
# I forget all my problems #
# And take another toke #
# Romance ain't no worry #
# When you're getting high #
# So I ain't in no hurry #
# My hand will get me by #
# Yes, I'm lonely #
[coughs]
Oh, that's delicious.
Do you have any sodas?
That is a luxury
I cannot afford, O.B.
Max.
We have a question.
Ladies.
I think you just saved
Andrew Wood's life.
Will you give me a second?
- Fine with us.
O.B.
One day when I make my money,
me and you are gonna open
up a restaurant of our own.
And what are we gonna call that?
The Ultimate Biscuit.
Yeah.
And when people meet
there, they're gonna say,
"Dude, meet me at the
fuckin' Ulti Bisc."
We'll only serve gigantic portions,
and only the most gigantic people
will be allowed to work there.
God, a place where I
could eat in freedom, right?
This sounds wonderful, man.
The walls will be decorated
with posters of obese people
enjoying life through feast.
And the centerpiece is gonna be
an all-you-can-eat bar
of cake, pie, ice cream...
- Pudding.
- And milk shakes.
And it won't be a bar, no.
This will be an island.
Your words are like
chocolate poetry to me.
When will they be so?
Soon, my portly friend, soon.
Ladies, once upon a time,
you said you wanted to be a
part of my internet business.
- Mm-hmm.
- Does that offer still stand?
- Yeah.
- Why?
Well, it's gonna require
you to take off your clothes.
And why would I do that?
Not just you.
Shirtless Cynthia too.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about the future.
You can open up a
hundred fashion companies
if you listen to me.
All I need are your bodies, your trust,
and your phone tree of hot women.
Well, how many do you need?
Well, how many can you bring?
[Coughs]
We start tomorrow.
is something every
man should experience,
and if not that, they
should at least see it.
People.
This is gonna be a celebration,
a celebration of the human body.
What can I do to help, Max?
You're gonna be head
of security with the B.
Oh, the B rules.
Give me your dad's credit card.
Hmm?
The fuck is going on here?
Max, where are you?
In the basement.
Come on down, little buddy.
Hi.
What's this?
This is your new business.
Welcome to the big time, little buddy.
What is it?
Have a seat.
Have a drink.
I want to explain something to you.
For years now, I have watched
men get rich off the internet
while I just stood idly by.
Well, all that's gonna change, Woodsy,
because me and you,
we're going into the adult
entertainment industry.
Go on.
This equipment you see before you
will be used to service lonely men,
and in some cases, women too.
How?
Look around you,
Woodsy, what do you see?
I don't know, lingerie and dildos.
See, it might not
be the stock market,
but I guarantee you,
this will make money.
All we got to do is put girls
in front of these cameras,
and the money will
circulate around the world
and into our bank accounts.
You know what my
parents are gonna do to me
if they found out?
In the words of the
B, fuck those clowns.
You said you needed to make some money.
Well, this operation
is gonna make you money.
If some guy logs on and sees
some girl playing with a dildo,
bam,
that is $1,000 into our bank account.
Max, you're wasting your time.
No one's gonna spend $1,000
to see a girl do that.
You're right.
They pay $2,000.
I did my research, Woodsy,
before I bought the equipment.
The 10,000 other websites
that offer live stripping
charge up to $2,500.
And most of them don't
even have clear cameras.
I got us the clearest
cameras in the biz.
Would you stop doing that?
Each camera you see before you
offers 8.5 megapixels of pussy.
In laymen terms, that
is clear-cut images
of tits, ass, dildos, and hair pie.
And what happens when we get caught?
Get caught?
Not even illegal.
It might be a little bit wrong,
but Heather and Shirtless
Cynthia are on their way over
with a truckload of women,
and our only responsibility
is to watch 'em get naked and pay 'em.
Sign right there.
Well, what's this?
This is your personal contract.
What does it say?
It says you, Andrew Wood, are a CEO.
I always wanted to be a CEO.
Now's your chance.
Sign.
Now, you get some sleep, Mr. President,
'cause tomorrow's gonna be a long day
of watching girls
take their clothes off.
It's called the recruitment process.
Maybe I was crazy for trusting him,
or maybe I wasn't.
Thanks.
It's just like Morgan Freeman once said.
Get busy living or get busy dying.
I choose the first one.
[Coughs]
[Screams]
So what makes you think
you'd feel comfortable
getting undressed for other people?
I do it all the time anyway.
And I like to discipline too.
You're hired.
Next.
Do you have any problems
working with large objects?
Oh, not at all.
I brought along my punisher with me.
[Together] Whoa.
Do you want to see me swallow this
or shall I hide it in my huckleberry?
[Together] Ooh.
You're hired.
Next.
I'll suck the roof off your dick.
- Hired.
- Next.
Well, I'm a virgin,
and I think this is the
perfect way to lose it.
You're hired.
Cocks!
You're hired. Next.
Yes!
I like to ride big,
hard,
strong, wet bulls,
but longer than eight seconds.
You're hired.
Next.
I can break-dance on a cucumber.
Interesting.
You can put a piece of coal in my ass
and pound it into a diamond.
You must be a millionaire.
You're hired.
I once had 13 orgasms.
Hired.
Yay!
I'll suck your dickses.
I don't think I
rented enough computers.
Were we supposed to
have this many applicants?
How many do we have?
At this rate, we can go for 24 hours.
I thought I was gonna get stuck
with some boring job for years.
Now I'm actually excited
for a new tomorrow.
[Awkward cheering]
[Upbeat rock music]
Everything is going perfect.
I paid my way back into
school, paid my debts,
and Caroline is actually
telling people I'm her boyfriend.
I even have an
appointment with the doctor
who did Matthew
McConaughey's hair transplant.
That's right, Matthew McConaughey,
hair transplant.
Mine's this summer,
and I can barely wait.
Cat box, that was a clever name.
Max came up with it for the website.
He said it had a double meaning.
It was probably because
things were going so well
that Max had to go and screw it all up.
For the rest of my life,
I will never be able to face my mother.
Prepare the great hall,
full staff meeting tonight,
cameramen, performers, hackers, anyone,
anyone who's ever worked for us.
Yes.
I better get a business suit.
Tomorrow, I could be a billionaire.
Good evening.
Friends, I want to thank all
of you for coming tonight,
but first, actually, I
want to thank Orville.
He catered tonight's party.
Food's delicious.
Way to go, buddy.
The B rules.
[Cheers and applause]
So I bet you're wondering
why I called this meeting
and organized this party,
but first I'd love to tell you
how much I appreciate
all your hard work.
And congratulate yourselves,
because we made this money
legitimately and on our own.
[Cheers and applause]
Soon, soon.
Soon we will, believe me.
But first, I really want to tell you
I owe all my success to
the people in this room.
So if any of you feel uncomfortable
with the proposal I'm about to make,
feel free to walk, no questions asked.
[Indistinct whispering]
People, people, calm down.
You haven't heard my proposal yet.
About two hours ago,
I received an email from
our top foreign client.
Behind this sheet is a picture
of what he wants us to do.
[Gasps]
That's disgusting.
Calm down, people...
'cause this is how much you're
gonna get paid, pretty much.
[Flatulent sound]
Any questions?
So I guess from your silence...
you're not interested, right?
- Of course.
- No.
Forget the party.
Let's do it tonight.
For that much money, I'd
stick a bathtub up my ass.
Okay.
People, we'll start tomorrow, 9:00 A.M.
Full cast and crew.
Now it's a party, people.
[Cheers and applause]
I swear, this girl has
the throat of a walrus.
[Dog whimpers]
What the fuck?
Bitch!
It is now time for class.
Swallow this serenity tea
so you may have strength
throughout your day.
Thanks, Hiroshi.
Are you guys cool rolling
joints for the rest of the day?
Professor noticed you were gone.
Really? What'd he say?
Nothing major.
Just, "Where's the bald kid?"
Did I miss anything?
You're asking the wrong guy.
Today I will be
continuing our discussion
on what it means to show the truth.
Political parties and
tree huggers believe
our language needs to evolve
in order for us, you and I, to evolve.
Are they right?
Is this so?
I really resent the
fact that you just labeled
major activists tree huggers.
Trees are living beings.
Hmm.
Miss James, is it?
Let me ask you a question?
Exactly how much marijuana do you smoke?
'Nuff, guy, 'nuff.
Silence yourself!
I teach this class to offer
my students valuable lessons.
If you are too stoned
to learn from them,
I might have to kill you.
What?
Kill you with...
some extra homework.
[Laughs]
What?
Damn funny!
[Laughs]
Which brings me to today's lesson.
Is the truth racist,
or is it simply stating the facts?
You're final assignment
for the school year
will be to construct a 5,000-word essay
based on the following statement.
"Open your lips.
"Widen your throat.
Jamaican black dick makes
the white girl choke."
[All gasp]
"Open your lips.
"Widen your throat.
Jamaican black dick makes
the white girl choke."
Fact...
or racism?
[Chuckles]
Yes.
Your job is to analyze this statement
and decide whether or not you believe,
yes, this statement is true,
or no, the statement is false.
# Ooh ooh #
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh #
This assignment is worth
Ooh?
And I need 16 references,
and no, I am not a reference.
Any questions?
I love you, sir.
Hmm.
Mr. Wood, I'm glad to see
that you're back in class.
I believe that your
finances are back in order.
Yes, sir, they certainly are.
I also booked an appointment
with the same doctor
who did Matthew
McConaughey's hair transplant.
That's right, hair
transplant McConaughey.
You're very weird, Mr. Wood.
Now that I've given you your assignment,
you can all leave my classroom.
Now!
I'm gonna swing by
Devon's after Anthro,
you gonna come?
- I can't.
- Why?
Because I'm bald, Max.
No, you're not.
[Chuckles]
[Knocks on door]
Come in.
Oh, hello.
If it isn't my two little
sweet tootsie babies.
What can I do you for?
Do you still have both
copies of Home Alone,
I mean, Homo Abone?
Yes, why?
I need to borrow 'em.
Okay, I'll get 'em for you.
Such a weirdo request for you.
I thought you were only
into those Stanley Kubrick
and Oliver Stone movies.
You always got to make
time for the classics.
Speaking of classics,
we both just saw your movie,
and it was fantastical.
It really is something, sweetheart.
You should be proud of yourself.
Oh, stop, guys.
Now, you didn't find it too,
you know, offensive and gross?
Oh, well, other
than your crude ending.
You scared the cum out
of me with that big finish.
Thanks for the videos.
I'm gonna go to class.
- All right, see you, ladies.
- Wait, hold on a second.
Do you know why Caroline
hasn't called me back lately?
Boy, are you in trouble.
Caroline found about your little,
or should I say huge,
business operation.
To say the least, she isn't happy.
Ungrateful ho.
How does she think I pay for
all our dinners and movies?
Well, will you tell her I'm sorry
and to have her please call me?
Just go by her room after class,
and I'll make sure she talks to you.
Thanks, Dev.
It's like I always say,
if you want to get laid
in the 21st century,
make sure you have at
least one gay friend.
They're never too busy
to help you meet someone,
and they're never too shy
to help you work things out.
In the end, gays are some
pretty awesome people.
Make sure you bring back that movie,
because you know how
much I love to beat off
to that shower scene
where Macaulay Culkin
puts on the aftershave
and burns his face.
[Singing operatically]
You lied to me.
You told me you made your money
selling stuff off the internet.
And that's true.
I sell quality entertainment.
Did she buy that?
Bullshit.
You didn't tell me because
you didn't want me to know.
I just... I didn't want
you to break up with me.
Most of the time, I think I love you.
I can't believe I just said that.
I love you too, Andrew.
But if you lie to me
again, I will curb your ass.
That means we're still together.
And once I get my hair transplant,
she'll never get mad at me again.
[Snaps fingers]
Hello? Are you listening to me?
I won't lie to you again.
You can count on it.
Good.
How much money did you make, anyway?
Enough to buy the school.
There must be a lot of
desperate guys out there.
You have no idea.
And we call them preferred customers.
And then it happened.
Without any warning at all,
the commercial came on.
Oh, my God, that's the
girl from my astronomy class.
Cat box.
And that's the girl
from the cafeteria.
Andrew, what is going on?
[Gasps]
Yeah, uh-huh.
Oh, my God, he's gonna be murdered.
Just get me his
address, do you hear me?
Yes, of course I'll find it.
I'll find it. I'll call you right back.
I want that son of a bitch
who did this to my daughter.
I'm gonna fuckin' kill him!
Gah!
Jesus, honey.
We've already discussed it.
I think he's gonna die.
Yeah, they're coming after him.
Oh, one second. Stop it.
Oh, my God.
Charlotte.
Alan.
Stop that. Stop that right now.
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, sweet mother of Moses, look at this!
Yeah, uh... huh, I know.
He's gonna die.
Yeah, I can just... oh, one second.
My baby girl, what are you doing?
Don't do... how do they do that?
Oh, my God, look at...
Charlotte.
Ooh, wow.
Charlotte!
Joey, Joey, look at...
And then finishes off a blue whale.
Fuck it.
Just answer the question.
Did you make that tape?
Not exactly.
Well, did you or didn't you?
This is it.
You're history.
Listen to me.
I love you.
Maybe one day, I'll even marry you,
but now can you find it in
your heart to forgive me?
[Cell phone rings]
It's Max.
This might be an emergency.
Hello?
Yeah, yeah, I saw it.
You need to come home right away.
Devon's on the other line,
and apparently there's
a bunch of angry parents
on the way over here
to teach us a lesson.
Well, how the hell did they find out?
Saw the commercial,
asked their daughters.
Makes sense.
All right, I'll be right there.
Some parents are coming
up to kill me and Max.
I really have to go home.
Well, serves you right.
And now for the
question I'm afraid to ask.
Will you ever have anal sex with me?
What?
I mean...
do you still want to be my friend?
Yes.
But only if you say you love me again.
That sounded kind of nice.
Really?
You're not mad at me?
At first I was, but
now I'm kind of proud.
You've got to be joking.
No, I mean, you set up a
business and made your fortune
before your 21st birthday.
Not the most socially
acceptable way of making money,
but it works.
We just couldn't ever tell the children.
[Laughs]
That means we're gonna
have sex without a condom.
Will you marry me, Caroline?
If you're still alive, we'll talk.
Oh, I will be.
Max always has a plan
for this kind of stuff.
He's a genius, you know.
Really?
Than what am I?
Oh, my God, I want
to hit those so badly.
I said that out loud.
I really do love you!
Oh, Andrew.
Now, I knew something
like this was gonna happen,
so I designed us a
blueprint a la Home Alone...
Homo Abone.
So that's why you wanted
those movies from Devon.
Exactly.
When those angry parents get here,
they're gonna have to fight
through a house of mazes
and horrors so grotesque
only a sick son of a bitch
like John Hughes would think it's funny.
How many people are coming?
Altogether, six, more or less.
Who are they?
Three angry fathers and their wives.
I'll kill those slits!
I love slits.
Then calm down, the B,
because if all goes as planned,
you're not gonna have to do that.
Well, what's the plan, Max?
For the next 12 hours,
we are gonna turn this
house into a death trap.
Now, I have studied
the Home Alone series
as much as one person possibly can.
Here is what I've come up with.
Each one of you will be assigned
a certain area in the house.
Now, since we're pulling
out all the stops,
feel free to use your business
credit cards to their limit,
because money is no longer an issue.
You just get everything on those lists.
What if they don't come?
Oh, believe me, they're gonna come.
Devon said they'll be here tomorrow
no later than 7:30 P.M.,
which gives us enough time
to wire this house head
to toe full of surprises.
I'm taking the backyard.
I'm adding fucked up night vision
to the motherfuckin' paintball gun.
That is wonderful, the
B, and let me just say,
you have always been very creative.
Fuck yeah!
Motherfuckin' nig...
[record scratch]
Where am I gonna get
You leave that to me.
You just get the 50 cases of rum
and the industrial-sized
bottle of crazy glue.
Now, is everybody clear about
what their responsibilities are?
Wait.
Before we go...
I just want to say I love you, Max.
You always know how to make my life fun.
Are you sure we need
all these explosives?
Of course we do.
We're American.
Hmm, let's go, sweetheart.
I'll give you a hummer in our Hummer.
Sounds good to me.
Gun Mart, here comes the B.
I'll come with you.
Thank you, Max.
You've given a bald man a second chance.
Come on, Andy, you don't
care about that anymore.
Now, you take off your
helmet, and you show your glow.
Bald on three.
Everyone.
One, two, three.
[Together] Bald!
How much longer till we get there?
Five minutes.
I... I need to pull over.
I just want to check the map, all right?
You big baby.
Just turn the light on
in front of you and look.
I get my hands on this
kid, I'm gonna kill him.
I send my daughter for an education,
she sends me back a sex
video of her dance humpin'.
All right, listen.
When we get there, everybody
follow me, all right?
I got the best sense of direction.
He's telling the truth.
He once got us out of a snowstorm.
You couldn't see two
feet in front of you.
Not my Alan, right, honey?
You would've pulled over to the side
and cried till it stopped snowing.
You think your words
can hurt me, right?
You know they do.
I'm so excited.
When are they gonna be here?
- Any minute now.
They're fuckin' dead.
What if some of them
are allergic to ecstasy?
They won't be.
Maybe we're taking this too far.
I can't believe I just said that.
Was I really becoming my father?
Andy, snap out of it.
No time for your Wonder
Years crap right now.
Are you having second thoughts?
No, I just wanted to
say something responsible.
Good, 'cause we're about to take
bad behavior to a whole new level.
Mm.
All right.
Here we are.
All right, let's get
the fuck out of here.
Everybody follow me.
This kid is dead.
Hold!
Hold!
Hold!
Hold!
Nigga!
[Gunfire]
Motherfuckers!
Elise!
Ah!
Hey!
Bruce!
No!
Cut it out!
Jesus!
Cut it out.
Wait a minute, we're parents!
It's time to end this motherfucker.
My motherfuckin' mega hand grenade.
Ninjas, vanish!
Holy Bezos!
Save your asses!
[Explosion]
Keep coming.
Keep coming.
All right, everybody stay close.
I know it's dark in here, but trust me,
I know where I'm going.
I think it's a stairwell.
I can't see anything.
Oh, my God, he's gonna kill us!
Help!
Relax!
It's... it's not gas.
[Sniffs]
It's...
Marijuana smoke.
No.
Not ma... I'm allergic.
We got to get out.
- You are not allergic.
You are a pussy, do you hear me?
A pussy!
A pussy!
This is good shit.
I can't fight it.
I'm getting fuckin' high.
Fuckin' high.
Just hold your breath.
Bruce, it's everywhere.
I am so fuckin' stoned.
Why are we here again?
What?
You don't remember?
We're here to kill that kid,
that fucked up kid.
Why?
I don't remember.
But I know it's bad.
[Chuckles]
Oh, yeah, he did those sex
videos with our daughters.
Oh, yeah.
He had your daughter humpin' a piano.
[Laughter]
Well, their daughter was
break-dancing on a cucumber.
Not my Charlotte.
My Charlotte's not flexible enough!
Oh, come on.
We got to get out of this room.
I'm so thirsty, you guys.
Hey.
Hey, you guys, the door's opening.
Com on, let's get out. Let's escape.
Ooh, blinking lights.
Let's go. Let's go.
Yeah, let's take a break.
[Upbeat dance music]
The colors...
they're moving.
I love a laser show.
Let's have something
to drink, everybody.
Are you sure the water's clean?
[Laughs]
Oh, I don't care what's inside.
I'm so fuckin' thirsty.
[Coughs] It's fine.
It's a little strong.
This isn't water.
This is old-fashioned hooch.
So drink your hooch.
Isn't it weird
the way fathers who have
families and children
all of a sudden think they're gay?
What's up with that?
Sounds weird to me.
Yeah, that's fucked up.
Makes sense to me.
That's 'cause you're fuckin' sick.
[Laughter]
[Record scratch]
Whoa.
"Please put on your face
masks and body armor."
Why?
Just fuckin' do it.
Fuck!
Don't be such an asshole.
Go with the flow, bro.
- Alan.
- That's right, bitch!
I'm crazy.
I'm crazy now.
Let's go!
[All screaming]
Bruce!
Bruce!
Bruce, come on, Bruce, you big jokester.
I can't.
Just kill that kid.
Baby, come to me.
I'm too young to be a widow.
Yes, that's it! That's it!
All right, all right, all right!
Attaboy! Let's go!
Bruce, I'm coming to get you!
No one else!
Fuck this!
Fuck this!
Fuck this!
Here I come!
[All shouting at once]
Come on, Bruce!
You can do it, Bruce!
You can do it!
[All grunting]
Good evening.
Please, take a seat.
[Groans]
Hiroshi.
Tea.
Oh, good God.
Brucie.
[Laughter]
He's so handsome.
Let me start by saying I
respect why you guys are here.
If a guy paid my daughter
to take of his clothes,
I'd want him dead too.
But I did no such thing.
Your daughters exercised
their own free will
and decided to make some extra money.
And now your daughters
are all millionaires.
None of them have to ever work again
or marry someone just
to get out of the house.
Now, you know how that happens.
Two people meet.
They get married, and in the end,
it was only so they
didn't have to go home
or so they could drive a fabulous car
like a BMW 750 or a Range Rover.
Now, do you want your daughters
spending the rest of their lives
giving out deep throat sessions
just so they can have a car
of their choice fully loaded?
No.
I think your daughters
are better than that,
and I think you're better than that too.
And for this, you want to harm me.
Why?
Before you answer that,
please finish your tea.
What's in it?
Herbs and placebos.
The two should complement
your current state.
You said millions.
How many millions?
Enough to buy 20 cruise ships.
Wow.
Each.
If that's not enough,
please...
observe.
You got a fuckin'
shark in your backyard.
His name's Cody.
Like I said, millions.
You know, some of the girls even
opened up their own businesses.
- Really?
- What kind?
Well, the two girls
who live downstairs
opened up their own fashion company,
which is soon gonna be listed
on the New York Stock Exchange.
So I ask you once again,
what are you mad at?
It certainly shouldn't be me.
I hear you.
You think you could put me on the...
internet?
Do you think they'd
give us any money?
I don't know.
I'd have to talk to them.
Which ones are your daughters?
Charlotte Stearn.
Of course.
Yeah.
I see.
Codename is the Barnyard,
aka the Cucumber Kid.
[Snickering]
I'd be happy to ask her for you.
Now, if you have any other
questions or concerns,
now would be the time.
How did all this happen?
Well, my friend Andy
needed some money for school
and a hair transplant.
This just seemed to work.
Amazing.
Now, I've enjoyed
speaking with all of you,
but if you'll excuse me,
I've got to put the
finishing touches on my movie.
Now, feel free to stay,
or you can leave too.
I love...
options.
Either's fine with me.
I think I'll, um...
stay.
I'm a little too high to get in the...
[giggles]
Car.
Very well.
Hiroshi will show you to your rooms,
and thanks for coming.
Can I go down on you?
I love tongue... I mean,
tongues... infinitely.
What do you look like nude?
Looks like the wolf
got into the chicken coop.
It takes four white
bitches to suck this dick.
I'm 20 years old, and I'm going bald.
Only now I just don't care.
Larry David, Danny
DeVito, Sean Connery, Moby,
Tony Soprano, Homer Simpson,
all great bald men.
I now wish to join their ranks.
Get busy living
or get busy dying.
That's god damn right.
Andrew?
Oh, my God.
What did you do?
Good morning, and welcome
to the EW market report.
Right now, we are about to
witness stock market history.
Two college girls are about to go public
and ring the opening bell.
Their company, Max Woods,
has reached a record
$262 million in sales
and will open at an even $75 a share.
But the interesting thing is that
these girls didn't even...
even need the money.
They were already internet millionaires.
Although questions surround
how they raised their money,
for now, let's just enjoy
another fashion company
entering an already saturated market.
[Knocks on door]
- Today's the big day.
- I know.
Be there no later
than 11:00, little buddy.
I know.
[Laughs]
[Steady rock music]
# I have no desire #
# To lament of my pain #
# Or to feed the fire #
# Of a passion burning red #
# And I wonder #
# Wonder #
# Can she read between the lines #
# And I wonder #
# Wonder #
# Can she ever be mine #
Has it started yet?
- Not yet.
- Good.
It's right this way.
Nice tits, girly.
That's a nice piece of ass too.
# Draped across her shoulders #
# And I wonder #
# Wonder #
# Would she stay with me tonight #
# And I wonder #
# Wonder #
# What I'd give to make her mine #
Fuck me.
[Sobbing]
[All laughing]
[Cheers and applause]
That's my story.
It might not be the best
life lesson one can learn,
but it sure was a good time.
If you're wondering
about my hair transplant,
the answer is, yes.
I cancelled my appointment
with Matthew McConaughey's
hair transplant doctor
and no longer wish to cut open my head
in the name of confidence and security.
A wise man once said,
"the less hair I have,
the more head I get."
Thanks for listening,
and stay strong, my balding brothers.
We always have each other,
even if it's just to compare hairlines.
# I don't want to talk about it #
# Leave well enough alone #
# This subject causes me pain #
# Don't act like you don't notice #
Don't be embarrassed.
What the fuck?
Come on, Woodsy, it's the big time.
[Making siren noises]
Oh, I forgot about you.
Here you go, baby.
[Laughing]
Hello.
This'll be a celebration
of the human body.
How can I help?
[Retches]
This shit is disgusting.
[Laughter]
I'll suck the roof off your dick.
I hate it when you
make me say this, man.
All right, let's hear it. This is it.
Go, "Jack Latner rules."
Okay.
And go.
Jack Latner rules.
Jack Latner rules.
Now, one time, the B rules.
The B rules.
Say, "Hell, I rule."
Hell, I rule.
Now, just go, "Whoo."
I love the B.
I'll suck the roof off your dick.
If I was Macaulay Culkin right now,
where would I be?
Where's Michael Jackson's dick?
- Bong, bong.
- Squishy, squishy.
Okay now, D, D, look
not happy, like, yeah.
What is it?
I'll suck your dixies?
No, your dickses,
as if it were D-I-C-K-S
and then have an apostrophe and an S.
Aren't boobs great?
I love 'em.
[Giggles]
Oh, I bet he loves milk.
Fuck yeah, nigga.
Motherfucker!
Fuckin' dawg, nigga.
Yeah.
Come on, Rachel, sit
down now, very slowly.
Onto Andrew.
What do you mean?
Sit down now.
Lean back.
- I can't really lean...
- Put your bum on his chest.
It is.
Oh, can you go any lower?
I mean...
Four seconds, then sit
all the way down, okay?
And we won't have to do it again.
Wait till... I'll tell you when.
Are your eyes clean?
Yes.
Back up.
Look here, you got to start here.
No, you take him.
Oh.
I said I'd share.
Don't you want me to share?
No, he's all yours.
I don't want him.
I think he's lactose intolerant.
[Growling]
Your wish...
is my command.
# Ooh ooh #
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh #
I'll suck the roof off your dick.
Oh, God.
All right, cut,
that's good, we got it.
# Sisters #
# Doin' it for themselves #
Mike, stop looking at my ass.
[Shrieking]
Those are some big ass titties!
Yo.
My function.
Cha, cha, cha.
Yo.
We was only yelling 'cause
you was laughing, dawg.
Come on, G money, just want
to learn in peace, word.
Yo, fuck that.
This is the B class.
Whatever the B says, goes.
This is speech class, motherfucker.
That means it's all
right to make a statement.
Suck this dick,
fuck your brother in the ass,
and eat your grandma's greasy goochie.
This is Psychology, yo.
Whatever, white
boy, shut the fuck up.
You are so beautiful.
Those are the biggest
bikity tits I've ever seen.
Cut.
Cut, cut.
# And the rest will follow #
Did you just ash my ass?
I am so abused, I can't stand it.
What?
Keep going.
Be sexual.
Wha... ah?
Am I...
going to...
[laughs]
Chris, zoom in on that.
Pretend gay.
Two minutes isn't enough, though.
Doot, doot.
Oh, that's perfect, cut.
Whoo!
Good, now, look, 'cause
it's starting to go bad.
Cut.
Oh.
Oh, pillow fight.
They got... they're trying
to take my pants off, B.
[Laughter]
Come on, ladies, you
know I'm packin', come on.
- We got it, man.
- Cut.
I need a sandwich
for that, but all right.
Pooh!
# I want to put a dick in my mouth #
# Joey be the inspiration #
# He slams his balls to
the back of my throat #
# I think I need a tonsil operation #
# When you love somebody #
# Just like Joey Powers #
# When you love somebody #
# Just like Joey Powers #
Okay, now lower the mic.
Lower the mic, open your mouth.
# When you lo... #
I am so abused, I can't stand it.
Bob it in there.
- Wha...
- Keep going.