(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
NARRATOR :
1936, Jesse Owens.
1960, Cassius Clay.
And now in 1988,
the name on everyone's lips,
US table tennis champion,
Randy Daytona.
You've seen him
in Sports Illustrated, on
the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box.
You may even already own
his McDonald's
collector's glass.
NEWS REPORTER :
The golden boy
who iced Iceland in round one,
and checked off Czechoslovakia
in round two.
So why don't
we take a moment to meet
the real Randy Daytona?
Here he is showing us
his skills with
his lucky Def Leppard paddle
that's won him
over 200 amateur matches.
With him, as always, his coach
and father, Sergeant Pete
Daytona, of the US Marines.
Randy,
you're only 12 years old,
and already they're saying
that your name
will go down among those
of the greatest
Ping-Pong players
ever to take up the sport.
And right offhand,
I don't know
what those names are.
Randy,
the eyes of all America,
and indeed the entire world,
will be on you tonight.
(FANS CHEERING)
USA! USA! USA!
2.:45 am. The moment
you've all been waiting for.
The men's table tennis
semifinals.
Tiny balls, bouncing for gold.
(CROWD CHEERING)
USA! USA! USA!
Now, presenting
the United States of America,
Randy Daytona!
ANNOUNCER :
Here he is,
entering to his unofficial
theme song, Rock of Ages,
by the super group
Def Leppard.
I love you, Randy!
Hey, big guy,
I just want to make sure
you're ready.
Have you seen my dad?
No.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Where were you?
You think I'd miss this?
You didn't put money on this,
did you?
Dad, you promised.
Try not to think about it,
okay?
Now, presenting East Germany,
Karl Wolfschtagg!
Deutschland! Deutschland!
Deutschland! Deutschland!
May the best man win, huh?
I will destroy him!
Beat that Kraut!
ANNOUNCER :
Breathtaking intensity
surrounds the table
as Daytona and Manslaughter
fire away at each other.
Daytona's in the groove.
Both men distancing themselves
from the table now.
There's a high elevation lob.
Tremendous accuracy.
And a smash by Manslaughter.
And Randy Daytona
makes the save.
One more smash!
And now Daytona goes back.
Farther back!
Back!
And the crowd rises
in anticipation!
He stretches.
Look out!
Shit!
(EXCLAIMING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Randy? Randy? You okay?
Randy? Randy?
Randy Daytona,
unable to finish.
Match forfeit to East Germany.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(BOOING)
Randy?
I'm going to Disneyland!
(CROWD LAUGHING)
Come on, guys.
Can't we talk about this?
Mr. Feng does not
extend credit.
Gentlemen, time is money.
Chop-chop.
Jesus!
NEWS REPORTER :
Well, that's the way the
cookie crumbles here in Korea.
As Reno's golden boy
was humiliated
in the semifinals,
and if he lives to be 100,
he'll never live down
that Disneyland line.
If he returns to America,
a life of shame.
MAN : (SINGING)
Two tickets to paradise!
Won't you pack your bags?
We'll leave tonight
I got...
Two tickets to paradise!
I got...
Two tickets to paradise!
Let's go to heaven
Yeah! Thank you!
Take a bow, honey.
There she is!
All right,
let's keep the love going
for our very next act,
The Peppermill's
very own Ping-Pong wizard...
Randy Daytona!
Randy Daytona!
Come on, let's bring him out.
How's everybody feeling
this afternoon?
All right!
(CROWD CLAPPING)
I don't want to work.
I just want to bang
on these drums
all day long. Am I right?
Hey!
Thank you!
(FARTS)
Hey, a volunteer!
How you doing, buddy?
I was just going
for more Cheese 'n Mac.
Stop!
Thank you!
(GLASS BREAKING)
(SCREAMING)
We're in the biz
to bring the bewonderment
of live theater
to these people,
so they will stay
for the loosest slots
on The Strip.
Not to give them
a heart attack, Randy!
Sorry, Rick.
It will never happen again.
I know because you're fired.
Get your stink out
of my theater.
Sorry, Randy.
But some agent
was looking for you backstage.
Maybe he missed the show.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
(SIGHS IN DESPAIR)
Thank you, Bethany.
My name's Sarah.
Are you kidding me?
Uh-uh.
You've called me Bethany
for the past five years.
It's fine.
Mr. Daytona?
Yeah.
Ernie Rodriguez, FBI.
Oh, God! I didn't mean
to hurt that guy!
How could I know that
he had a bad heart?
That's not why I'm here.
Hey, actually, I thought
that was part of the show.
Till the paramedics showed up,
I was laughing my ass off.
Well, am I in
some kind of trouble or...
No.
I came to ask you
for your help.
The FBI needs you to take part
in a top-secret mission.
One that calls for a man
of your unique skills.
I'm not joking, man.
I'm FBI. I swear.
Come on, man.
You got a hidden camera
on you, right?
Cut it out.
You're not allowed to do that.
Fake gun and everything.
(GUN FIRING)
Now why don't you put on
some big boy pants
and we'll go for a ride.
(PROJECTOR SHUTTERING)
ERNIE:
The man with the umbrella
is our target.
I think you'll want
to help us catch him, Randy.
His name is Mr. Feng.
Mr. Feng?
That's the guy
that killed my father.
I know.
His face
has never been photographed.
This sketch is based
on the description
by a late agent of the ATF.
Wait a minute,
this guy looks like...
George Takei? Mr. Sulu?
I know. It's not, though.
We checked him out.
ERNIE:
We have reason to believe
he's about to make
some kind of a major shipment
into the US.
And what, man?
What do you want me
to do about it?
What you were born to do.
You see, Randy,
Feng is a Ping-Pong fanatic.
He played for the Chinese
when he was a kid.
Now every five years
he brings the best to him.
A high-stakes tournament,
at a secret location.
Invitation only.
His men go to tournaments
all over the world,
searching for
the best of the best.
You see that gold paddle?
That's the invitation.
You, Randy,
you're our ticket in.
I'm not a spy, man.
Look, you don't have
to do anything
but play Ping-Pong, man.
You go to a few tournaments
and do your stuff.
If you're as good
as you used to be,
I'm sure
you'll get an invitation.
Look, this year Feng's
invited a who's who
of the international
most wanted list.
Randy, something big's
going down.
Here's the thing.
You're bananas.
I do matinee shows.
I get introduced
by a cockatoo.
Mr. Daytona,
you're the only one
who can lead us to Feng.
I've been authorized
to offer you
anything in the government's
power if you help us out.
You don't get it, do you, man?
I don't compete anymore!
Okay?
Maybe I never should have.
(SIGHS WEARILY)
Caucasians.
Hey, Dad. I'm sorry
I haven't been around
in awhile.
And again, I'm sorry about
abbreviating your dates
on the headstone.
(SIGHS IN DESPAIR)
The numbers were, like,
apostrophes were free so...
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
(SIGHS IN DISBELIEF)
Excuse me?
Excuse me!
The new slide's
a little close, isn't it?
What are you gonna do?
They sold the air rights
to the cemetery.
They sold the air rights
to a cemetery?
It's a pretty okay
water slide, though.
It's called Eerie Canals.
I guess it's a theme
that it's haunted. Something.
Look out!
All right. I'm in.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS ADORINGLY)
I love that smell.
Good to be back
on the circuit again, huh?
I meant pancakes.
I love the smell of pancakes.
Okay, you're not here
to have fun.
All right? You're here to win.
Get your head in the game.
What, do you think Feng
is gonna have scouts here?
No, but you got to win here
to get to State.
You are gonna win, right?
I can take these punks.
All right, first up
we have Andy...
(STUTTERING)
Randy Daytona
versus our four-time
Western Conference Champion,
The Hammer.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
I don't know what the hell
he's talking about.
I'm still trying to figure out
if it's a dude or a chick.
(INHALING)
(EXHALING)
No mercy, Randy.
Have your grandma
pull the car around.
(BELL RINGING)
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
Can you dig it?
(LAUGHING)
(EXCLAIMNG IN CONCERN)
(EXCLAIMING DELIGHTEDLY)
(MOCKING)
Tastes good.
I told you I was rusty.
I haven't competed
in 19 years.
Why don't you cut me
some slack, man?
I need some time to warm up.
Time we don't have.
Feng's tournament's
in two weeks.
Man, I got to get you
in shape.
(AMBULANCE SIREN)
ERNIE:
We're here.
The world's greatest
Ping-Pong instructor
owns a takeout restaurant?
Don't hate.
The school's upstairs.
This guy's blind,
so let me do the talking.
Wong won't train just anybody.
And he never trains gweilo.
Who?
Gweilo.
It means "round eye."
Gringo. You, man.
He only takes
Chinese students.
Damn, bro.
Hey...
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
You okay, dude?
Get out!
Get out.
I don't teach gweilo.
How did you know that
we were gweilo?
Same way that I can tell
you are 30 years old.
Too old to start training.
(EXCLAIMING TRIUMPHANTLY)
Pudgy.
You are filled
with self-doubt.
(SNIFFING)
And you use Lady Speed Stick.
It was on sale.
Feng was my most gifted pupil.
He played table tennis
like the devil
in short shorts.
But he had expensive taste.
He began to steal and extort.
Turning my school
of table tennis
into a den of thieves.
And when I cast him out,
he joined the Triad.
He lured my brother Le Ping
in with him.
And when Le Ping tried
to go straight, he killed him.
Le Ping's daughter
was left fatherless.
If you help Randy and me
get to Feng's, we'll nail him.
I give you my word.
I will help you,
secret agent man.
You will start training
tomorrow, Randy.
Bring only your strength,
your honor
and a check for $300.
Hey, secret agent man.
I tell you something
right now, the truth.
Your boy will not pull it off.
We need a natural.
Something I can work with.
You know what I mean.
(SCREAMING)
Dude!
What?
What did I miss?
Well, if it isn't
the infamous Randy Daytona.
How was Disneyland?
Did you meet Dumbo?
Is it always this crowded?
Only when I'm not teaching.
WONG:
That's my niece,
Maggie Wong Mei Fei.
She brings her father,
Le Ping, great honor.
(PHONE RINGING)
Wong's Mu Shu Palace,
how can I help you?
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
WONG:
She will be the one
who will be giving you
hands-on training.
Gives "wax off"
a whole new meaning.
(GRUNTING)
Rule one, gweilo.
No touching my niece.
Understand?
Yeah, I understand.
(SIGHS IN PAIN)
(CROWD CLAPPING)
What?
Table jockey.
Let them work it out, man.
Let them work it out.
What does she weigh?
Like, 40 pounds?
Come on, man.
They're gonna kick your ass!
Who wants to... Oh.
(SCREAMING)
Maggie!
Your temper brings dishonor
to my Happy Mu Shu Palace.
You'll be sorry, Wong!
And teaching gweilo
is forbidden. You know that!
I'll tell the elders.
You will have
to face the Dragon.
Let me tell you
what you can tell the Dragon.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
(SCREAMING)
(THUDDING)
Now, gweilo, we begin.
Ping-Pong is not
the Macarena.
It takes patience.
She is like a fine,
well-aged prostitute.
It takes years
to learn her tricks.
(LAUGHING)
She is cruel.
Laughs at you
when you are naked.
(LAUGHING)
But you keep coming back
for more and more.
Why?
Because she is the
only prostitute I can afford.
(SIGHS RUEFULLY)
Gweilo, give me your paddle.
Here.
Now, for the time being,
you will practice with this.
(DERIDING)
What, are you crazy?
It's impossible, man.
Nobody can do that.
That was nice.
All right.
(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
Come on.
One more time.
Come on.
(BIRD CHIRPING)
Do I have to eat that?
To strengthen the body
and not the mind
is to build a temple
on shifting sand.
In my hand I hold a cricket.
What'd you do that for?
Don't take the cricket
from my hand.
Who the hell said,
"Take the cricket
from my hand"?
I just...
Put it back.
That is my lucky cricket.
Oh.
Well, he just...
He flew out of my hand, man.
You squished him?
No.
You squished lucky cricket?
No.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
Thanks a lot, kid!
So, Maggie,
what do you do
when you're not here?
So sorry,
don't speak English.
But didn't I hear
you speak English
on the phone yesterday?
No, you must be mistaken,
because I don't speak
any English.
I'm just trying
to get better acquainted.
I know what you're trying
to get, table jockey.
For as long as I can remember,
guys have been in here
with their hands all over me,
with your stupid come-ons.
"Give me a hand
with my balls, Maggie."
Let me guess.
You're not around girls much
or you probably wouldn't
play Ping-Pong, right?
Yeah, well,
I thought that your dad
played Ping-Pong.
Do not compare yourself
to my father.
My father was a great man.
I'm not. It's just a game.
It's not just a game!
It is a proud tradition
my family have devoted
their lives to!
You treat that tradition
like a joke.
Uncle says you have no honor.
I say you have no shot.
So turn off the charm,
table jockey.
(MOANING)
Oh, God.
WONG:
You need to build
wrist strength.
Eye-hand coordination.
Endurance.
(FLIES BUZZING)
Oh, come on!
You got me hitting balls
with spoons.
I'm swatting flies, now?
You not hit flies.
You hit bees.
What?
Come on!
(BEES BUZZING)
Oh, shit!
(SCREAMING)
Oh, shit!
(CRYING)
You are halfway
through your training.
Now comes the difficult part.
The backhand.
You must believe in yourself
when no one else does.
Like right now,
for instance.
What?
What do you mean
I hit the net?
Dad!
Freeze!
Hands on your head!
Oh, that's right, man.
I'm in Chinatown.
I'm sorry, man.
(GASPING)
Want to pop off
a couple of rounds?
Always makes me feel better.
Listen to me.
Are you a real,
fully-licensed FBI guy?
I'm serious, man.
I mean, why...
You know, why would
a real FBI guy
take on a mission like this?
Nobody else would
be caught dead
on Operation Ping-Pong.
All right, they don't expect
us to catch Feng.
They got 20 agents
working other angles, man.
I'm the backup plan.
Look, I joined the company
for action, man.
You know, car chases,
hang-gliding,
James Bond stuff.
Drinking martinis,
saving girls from danger.
I haven't gotten
to wear a tuxedo
since my goddaughter Martha's
quinceanera, man.
For the last five years,
I've been at a desk, typing.
I'm up to 70 words a minute.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Maggie, is that you?
Slow down.
Slow down in English.
(ALARM RINGING)
What happened?
"Teaching outsiders
is forbidden."
We've defied the elders,
now they're shutting us down.
They have
forbidden me to teach
in Chinatown, forever.
Well, don't worry.
The FBI's gonna find out
who did this.
We know who did it.
It is written right there.
No, no, no, no. No FBI.
We will settle this
in our own way.
Gweilo, only
you can restore our honor.
You must go to the elders.
You must face the Dragon.
Okay, well, time out.
We don't have time
for some ancient Chinese
pissing contest.
Feng's match is coming up.
And if we want Feng's scouts
to see Randy
win some trophies,
we got to get him out
to some tournaments.
Foolish secret agent man.
Real Ping-Pong
is not played for trophies.
It is played in the shadows,
in dark alleys and backrooms
for hard cash
and cheap, ugly women.
If gweilo beats the Dragon,
it will reach Feng's ears,
I assure you.
We're here.
The lair of the Dragon.
From here we go alone.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
Good luck, kid.
Thanks, man.
Randy, wait.
Yeah?
I want you to have this.
It belonged to my father.
Whoa.
Maggie, I can't take this.
He'd have wanted you
to have it.
Take it, you are ready.
It has defeated many enemies.
Good luck, Randy.
Thanks.
Come, gweilo.
The Dragon is the most
feared table tennis player
in all Chinatown.
Welcome to the underbelly
of Ping-Pong.
Where fortunes
are won and lost.
I'm exaggerating, of course,
but you get my point.
People bet on Ping-Pong here.
So you think you're good,
huh, gweilo?
Well, put money
where mouth is.
$4. No pay, no play.
Got change for $5?
That's all I got.
This guy doesn't seem
so tough to me.
That is not the Dragon.
That is the Dragon.
Gweilo,
remember, you suck
when you are nervous.
Thanks, Master.
First player
to lead by 3, wins.
Gweilo loses,
Wong and his descendants
are banished
from Chinatown forever.
And by extension,
all of Orange County.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
Dragon says,
"This serve, no can defend."
No one has hit it back
in five years of table tennis.
She say, "No fair.
She wasn't ready."
She say, "That wasn't real
no can defend serve.
"This next one,
this, no can defend."
"So watch out."
She say,
"Maybe we need
to take a break.
Get some fresh air. Cool off."
(PADDLE DROPS)
Yes!
I said, "Yes!"
That is right!
Am I right?
Just say, "Yes."
Fine!
Oh, jeez.
Come on, little kid.
Don't be so hard on yourself,
you know. You got mad skills.
I warn you guys,
I know tai chi.
(GRUNTING)
Here's your money.
(BLOWING NOSE)
Unfortunately,
it's covered in snot.
I knew you could do it, man!
He won, right?
What the hell?
Mr. Daytona.
Your balls have been tempered
in the fury of hell's Dragon.
Wow!
My master, Mr. Feng,
would be honored
to have you at his tournament.
Which way is the freeway?
I seem to have gotten
turned around.
Oh, yeah.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
I knew that.
Yeah.
Mr. Daytona, we'll see you
at the tournament.
What?
What am I missing?
Oh, we got the golden paddle.
As you can see, the paddle
contains a riddle in Chinese.
(READING IN CHINESE)
"On the longest day,
two hands reach
towards heaven.
"We enter the clouds."
Of course.
When both hands reach up
on what?
A clock. That's noon.
Longest day.
Wednesday, nine letters.
We enter the clouds,
that's got to be an airfield.
Yeah, but which airfield?
There are a dozen
in Orange County alone.
John Wayne Airport, maybe.
They got
a private hangar there
owned by a Japanese
corporation goes by
the name of Haiku Cargo.
Check this out.
On the longest day.
Yeah. It's 5-7-5.
That's a haiku.
That's impressive.
Yeah.
It's on the back of
the paddle here in English.
Noon, Wednesday,
John Wayne Airport.
Each player can bring
a coach, a doctor,
two carry-ons.
Goose, run them through
the hardware they'll need.
I have stripped
everything down for you.
This is your homing device,
this is the transmitter.
So you just plant it,
flip the switch
and backup's on its way.
Don't screw this up,
Rodriguez.
Do not signal
unless you have proof
of what Feng is up to.
We don't want theories.
We want him caught red-handed,
with hard evidence,
so we can put him away
for good.
Yes, sir.
So let me guess, fellows.
We're gonna stick this
in the heel of our shoe,
put it in
a tube of toothpaste,
something like that?
I think we'll have
to sneak this in
the old-fashioned way.
What's the old-fashioned way?
(GRUNTING)
God, slow down.
We should go alone from here.
Good luck, secret agent man.
Take care of Uncle, okay?
Uncle can take care
of himself.
Oh, man.
What's the stick for, man?
Come on.
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
Okay.
Never hug a man with
a million bucks worth of
hardware up his crack.
Sorry.
It's okay.
Go ahead and kiss her already!
So embarrass...
Come back, gweilo.
Bye.
(GROANING)
Nice plane.
Team Daytona.
This way, gentlemen.
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Where we going, Tijuana?
(BUS HONKING)
(GONGING)
It is with great honor
that I present your host.
The man
who sold the Dragon his fire,
stole it back,
and sold it again
to the Crips.
Give it up for Master Feng.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
How's my collar?
Man, we were
way off George Takei.
Okie-dokie artichokie.
First of all,
I know getting here
was the commute from hell.
I have to be a smidge
off the beaten track here.
Now, Ping-Pong,
or, as the Chinese say,
"Ping-Pong,"
sport of emperors
and bandits alike.
I have assembled today,
for your entertainment
pleasure,
the most talented
table tennis athletes
from around the globe.
Legends, every one.
We have last year's
North American champion
and holder
of the Canadian cup,
Mr. Freddy "Fingers" Wilson.
Represent.
Four-time Australian champion,
Mr. Wedge McDonald!
Cutie.
From Japan,
Mr. Yukito Nagasaki!
My personal odds-on favorite
from the '88 games,
possibly the greatest player
ever to emerge from the West.
He came out of retirement
to be here,
and it's an honor to have him.
He's back and he's bad,
the one and only
Karl Wolfschtagg!
Yeah!
So, we meet again.
The years have not been
kind to you.
I will not be either.
We have champions from
every continent so, please,
everyone, wear a nametag.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
And now, eat, drink, enjoy.
My goodness!
What a blast from the past!
If it isn't my old master.
Wong.
You old horn dog.
How's tricks?
I've waited many years
to meet you again,
face to face.
Oh, thank you.
Tell me, Randy, does he still
dress as if he shops
at Elton John's garage sale?
So, Randy Daytona.
The golden boy
who couldn't even bronze.
You're Wong's new protg.
Well, FYI,
Wong always said
I was his greatest pupil.
I said you could have
been great, but you never
finished your training.
As I recall,
you kicked me out.
But you did teach me
one thing, Master.
Promptness.
And you were 15 minutes late
to the banquet.
Soup got cold.
Oh, Feng!
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
Don't let it happen again.
Gentlemen. Athletes.
I bid you toodles.
(PLAYING MUSIC)
May I invite you to select
from one of Mr. Feng's
courtesans of pleasure.
Like sex slaves?
No.
No, I couldn't do that.
No, I couldn't. I couldn't.
No, no.
I got this girlfriend
back home.
I mean, she's not
my girlfriend. "Yet."
Mr. Feng has gone
to great lengths
to select the most
beautiful courtesans
from around the world.
They are fully versed
in both the sensual
and the erotic arts.
Well, I mean,
I don't want to be rude.
(GONGING)
What's up?
These are...
These are all...
These guys,
these are dudes.
They are fully prepared
to satisfy each and every one
of your desires.
Well, my desires
are pretty much
all satisfied up, right now.
So, I'm good.
You must choose one.
(SMIRKING)
Look, tell Feng
they are all so great...
Fine. I'll pick.
Gary.
Yo!
Feeling good?
Oh, yeah.
Hop to it.
The rest of you, get out.
That...
(STUTTERING)
Can I talk to you
for a second?
Sweet dreams, Mr. Daytona.
I got a huge day tomorrow.
Big day.
Can you...
No can do.
Look, if I don't spend
the night in here, it's...
Are you kidding me?
No, I'm not kidding.
If I had known
I'd end up as a sex slave,
I never would've gone
to that audition in Orlando.
I thought I was gonna be doing
cruise ship shows.
Next thing I know, boom.
Sex slave.
Always read
the fine print, amigo.
Hey, you want a brew?
I sure could use one.
Yeah.
Yeah. Cool.
Here you go, dude.
So... So.
Board game?
You want to play a board game?
Yes, play a board game.
Okay, cool.
Whoa, you got Boggle, huh?
That sounds like
a challenge to me.
Yeah, okay, sure.
All right.
Sounds like somebody's
getting lucky.
Oh, no, no, dude.
I want a rematch.
Best out of seven!
You can not defeat me.
I am the Boggle master.
Kick some ass out there.
Kick some ass, all right?
All right. Thanks, man.
Appreciate it.
Be careful. Okay?
All we did was play Boggle.
Hey, how you doing, Master?
Good morning.
Oh, gweilo.
Have you tried
these pleasure girls?
My girl, she really knows
how to handle a man.
Oh, boy!
What the hell is up
with these courtesans
of pleasure?
Master had a fantastic time
last night.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Did you find anything?
They got this place
locked down pretty tight,
but I'm gonna
snoop around today.
Okay.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
Huh?
He needs to go to bathroom.
Down the hall,
eighth door on the left.
The switch is on the right.
(GONGING)
Welcome to
my tournament of champions.
The tournament
is single elimination,
sudden death.
Let the games begin.
The game is to 11.
Must win by two.
(SHUFFLING)
The first competitors are...
Freddy "Fingers" Wilson.
Wonderful.
This is Freddy Fingers.
(SCREAMING)
(CROWD CLAPPING)
And...
Randy Daytona.
Hello, Feng's mansion!
How was Disneyland?
(CROWD LAUGHING)
Good luck, man.
Blow it out your ass, bitch.
(LAUGHING)
MAHOGANY:
Game point.
Randy Daytona is the victor.
Randy!
RANDY:
Give it up!
Can I hear a word?
Can I hear a double "huh-huh"?
FENG:
Randy.
Fantastique.
Wong always did have
an eye for talent.
Too bad they're not good
for anything else.
You killed him?
Well, duh.
What part of "sudden death"
didn't you understand?
Ow!
What's up?
Come, walk with me.
Randy, I have
a proposition for you.
I won't bite.
Not anywhere that will show.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Guess a guy like you has to
have a lot of security around
all the time, huh?
Oh, them.
They're just for show.
Nobody'd try anything in here.
Give me the thing.
This is the real security.
The whole place
is wired to blow.
I'd hate to have to relocate.
The place ain't much,
but it's homey.
Voila.
I don't usually
give strangers the full tour,
but I don't know. Randy...
(MOUTHING) I like you.
Go ahead.
After you.
Guns is my new business,
and business is booming.
These new polymer guns
go on sale Thursday.
They go right through
a metal detector.
Enough shop talk.
Let me show you
my pride and joy.
Snazzy.
Yeah.
It's my own private table.
Custom made.
You have to wear
these vests to play.
The batteries in them
store enough electricity
to kill 3.8 men.
Every time you miss,
the voltage doubles.
Two-nothing feels like
you just stuck a fork
in a toaster.
Nobody's ever made it
past three-zip.
This guy here,
five-time world champ.
Randy, let me cut through
the bullpoop.
I'd like you to come
and work for me as my
personal assistantlhanger-on.
Me?
Yeah.
Why?
Because I think
you'd make a wonderful
addition to the Triad.
Really? Me?
Of course not, no.
I want you 'cause
it would break Wong's heart.
Me, his old pupil,
luring his protg
to the dark side
is such a Kodak moment.
Do you have any idea
how hard it is
to get a panda these days?
Really hard.
Maybe he's dead. I'm not sure.
I'm not really sure
what they eat.
Oh, well.
Back to the old grindstone.
Oh, man.
(SCREAMING)
You're gonna come
to the Vishnu shrine
in the bamboo grove.
You're gonna go, lower hand
low five, lower hand low five,
upper hand high five.
And then you're in.
You got it?
What?
If the guns are there,
I'll set the beacon
and my guys will be here
before he scores another
point. All right? Relax.
Just hurry!
I blow you a fart.
How do you like that?
Randy Daytona
versus Yukito Nagasaki.
This one is for you, Daytona!
MAHOGANY:
Set and match.
Where's everybody at?
Coming up after the break,
the final round.
Randy Daytona
versus Karl Wolfschtagg.
(GONGING)
You are so close to defeat,
till it already reeks
of your cheap cologne.
The joke's on you, pretty boy.
It's not cologne,
it's Lady Speed Stick.
Thank you, Master.
(FIRECRACKERS BURSTING)
Listen to me. You said that
you were gonna get me out
of here, right?
They were supposed
to be here by now.
Look, don't worry, Randy.
I got a plan B.
You got a plan B?
Trust me.
Meet me in the john
in two minutes.
Welcome to Feng's bathroom.
Hey.
May I interest you
in an Altoid
or some Axe Body Spray?
Hey, these shoes
look like they need a shine?
Hi.
Hi.
Daytona.
I have said some cruel things
about you to my friends
here at the tournament.
I told them that the reason
that you hate me so much
is because I had sex
with your mother.
My mother died when I was two.
I hardly knew her.
Yeah, I know.
It's a horrible thing to say.
And yet these things
that I say,
over and over again,
I do not mean them.
'Cause, in truth,
you are the greatest player
I have ever seen.
Other than myself.
Practicing in front
of a mirror.
Which I do.
Every day.
In the nude.
I'm sorry for you
that your papa
is not here to see you.
I think he would
be very proud of you.
Yeah.
So proud of you
that he would probably bet
some money on you again.
I could use the cash. Ha-ha.
Tell your dead parents
I said, "What's up?"
(LAUGHING)
We're staying.
Win or lose,
I got to play him.
I can't keep running away
from that German fruit salad.
Now I am proud.
It is better to die
like a tiger
than to live like a pussy.
I'm gonna go tell Rodriguez.
Rodriguez?
Rodriguez?
Open! Eat it!
Eat it!
(MOANING IN PAIN)
How was I supposed to know
you were gonna
change your mind?
Silence. What's done is done.
Let's hope it works.
I hate you guys.
Mr. Feng,
there's been an accident.
Oh, no!
What have you...
I broke it.
Oh, my God!
Did that hurt?
Yes!
Oh, dear.
I have no choice.
I have to disqualify you.
I suppose
Karl is our champion.
Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
This is far from over,
Daytona!
AUDIENCE:
You suck!
Hey! Hey, come on.
That stings. Who said that?
Well, poop.
Randy, I was serious
about my offer, okay?
And e-mail me
when you make up your mind.
"Pradafan" is all one word.
I can't tell you
how disappointed I am.
(YELLING IN CHINESE)
I'm afraid your reputation
has preceded you,
Agent Rodriguez.
Are you still waiting
for your backup?
Bad guys have
homing beacons, too.
(SIGHING)
Competition will continue
as scheduled.
Hope you're a good southpaw.
MAHOGANY:
Three-point game.
To the death.
Come on.
(EXCLAIMING NERVOUSLY)
I'm cool, man. I'm cool.
Oops. Clumsy, clumsy hippos.
You should be more careful
with your racquet.
It's not like
I get these shoes for free.
Oh, wait. Yes, I do.
I do get them for free.
Time out.
Master, look.
It's your brother's paddle.
It's my winning paddle.
I mean, I don't know
what the hell
I'm gonna do now.
Gweilo!
Have I taught you nothing?
Game not in paddle.
Game in you.
You cannot change
what is past.
You must play for this man.
Here, use this paddle.
It belongs to the greatest
player I have ever known.
Thanks, Master.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Gunter, glieben,
glauchen, globen
All right
I got something to say
Yeah, it's better to burn out
Yeah, than fade away
All right
Gonna start a fire
Come on
Rise up, gather round
Rock this place to the ground
Burn it up, let's go for broke
Watch the night go up in smoke
Rock on, rock on
Drive me crazier
No serenade, no fire brigade
Just pyromania, come on
What do you want?
What do you want?
I want rock 'n' roll
Yes, I do
Long live rock 'n' roll
Oh, let's go,
let's strike a light
We're gonna blow like dynamite
(GUN FIRING)
There will be a slight change
in today's program
for the final match.
The part of Karl Wolfschtagg
will be played by...
Maggie!
Randy.
Maggie!
No, Randy, no.
You get to play her
to the death.
I thought this would be
much more interesting, huh?
You bastard.
What?
This is an outrage!
This is an outrage!
I demand retribution!
I did not come all this way...
Oh, great, blow dart, yeah?
Super.
(CROWD CLAPPING)
Master, you got to
help me out.
You got to give me
some advice, anything, please.
Sorry, gweilo, I'm out.
"Game not in paddle,
game in you,"
is usually my big finish.
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
Hey. Less talkie-talkie.
More Ping-Pong.
MAHOGANY:
Three-point game to the death.
Maggie, come on.
I'm not gonna play you, Randy.
It would be an honor for me
to give you my life.
MAHOGANY:
One-zero. Randy Daytona.
I don't know why
you couldn't just say
that you love me.
I...
MAHOGANY:
One-One.
That's not fair.
That wasn't fair.
Randy, I'm trying to sacrifice
my life for our love.
Stop being such a dick!
I'm not gonna let you lose,
Maggie.
Here we go.
This is not very honorable!
I love you, Maggie.
Boring. Kill them.
Kill them both.
We're missing
Antiques Roadshow.
No.
Oh, crap!
Get to cover! Come on!
You want to play rough?
Okay! Go! Go! Go!
Stop it! Are you insane?
These are not replicas!
Well, some of them are,
but they're
limited edition replicas.
Backup's right outside,
they just signaled.
I didn't sneak in
two of these for nothing.
This is the FBI.
Oh, my God!
What?
Wait a minute,
I forgot something, guys.
What?
Come here, baby.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Get to the dock!
He took my Uzi.
Get away from the door!
Sweet.
Well, that was awesome of me.
Dude, I totally knew
you'd rescue me!
Okay! All right! Okay!
All right! As a friend!
As a friend, I rescued you.
Oh, right. Yeah. Right.
Follow me!
This way. Up the stairs!
Oh, crap!
(SCREAMING)
So what? What?
What are you gonna do?
You gonna murder me
like you murdered my father?
You people sound
like a broken record.
"You killed my so-and-so
and you murdered
what's- his-face."
"I demand..."
Blah-blah-blah. Get over it.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Don't, don't, don't. Feng.
Listen, you kill me now,
we're never gonna know
who Wong's best pupil is.
WONG: For the record,
I think we all assume
that it is Randy.
You win, Wong.
Let's settle this,
once and for all.
This rescue sucks, dude.
I know.
Huh?
Not you, you're doing great.
Guys. Guys. Guys!
You, take
the self-destruct doohickey.
Just show it to the FBI.
Explain the house
is rigged to blow.
That will buy us time.
Ready, gweilo?
(ELECTRICITY HUMMING)
Any last words?
Yeah.
ELECTRONIC VOICE :
Self-destruct sequence
activated.
(ELECTRONIC VOICE
SPEAKING JAPANESE)
ELECTRONIC VOICE :
Five minutes to detonation
and counting.
It's your point, Feng.
I know. My serve, I think.
What the hell are you doing?
It's over, Feng.
The Ping-Pong table
doesn't know that.
If we stop playing,
it will kill us both.
You mean,
you can't turn it off?
God, that's so stupid!
Randy.
Get to the boat!
Okay, let's get out of here.
I'm gonna save the panda!
The panda's dead!
All right, FBI!
You are all under arrest!
FBI!
FBI!
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
Oh, shit!
That's my point, Feng.
But you missed the table!
I changed the rules a little.
I should have told you.
The way I play,
you could hit it off
anything you want.
One bounce, it counts.
My bad.
Son of a bitch!
Guys!
This guy looks really tough.
You take him.
ELECTRONIC VOICE :
Two minutes to detonation.
You should've taken my offer.
I would've given you anything.
Anything in the world!
I want my father back!
Lots of luck!
Come on, get up.
Come on, fast, fast, fast.
Heads down. Heads down.
Get your own boat, Pedro!
I call this one.
(SHRIEKING)
Guys! Guys!
Me, the money
and the Chinese broad
are taking off.
You see this pen?
This pen contains enough
cyanide to kill everyone
within 100-yard radius.
Do you think I'd come in here
without a backup plan?
I'm FBI, pendejo!
Now, here's
how it's gonna go down.
Hola. You like chorizo?
Let's get out of here.
He's gonna be really mad.
Randy!
Remember
what I told you, gweilo!
Feng only finished
one-half of his training.
Come on.
I believe it's my serve, Feng.
Big deal.
I never finished the training.
What's that mean?
I have no honor or something?
It means you have
no backhand.
Oh, shit!
ELECTRONIC VOICE :
Ten, nine, eight,
seven, six...
Jump!
... five, four, three,
two, one.
Dude, that was amazing!
I love you!
We are so proud of you!
Okay. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Seriously, stop it!
You ready, pussycat?
Say hello to my little friend!
Are you okay?
Let's go, pussycat,
one more time.
You got it?
Yeah.
Oh, no!
I heard that.
ERNIE:
Okay, no more games.
Let me help you with that,
Master.
There you go.
Hey, I wanted to thank you
for everything
that you've done for me.
So I got you
a little something.
It's really not necessary.
But Master will accept.
What is it?
Let me guess.
It's something small.
No, don't...
Cufflinks? It's a ring.
I love jewelry.
I can't guess. What is it?
It's a new lucky cricket.
Oh.
Was.
I shall carry it
with me always.
Yeah.
Don't bother.
He's pretty much dead.
No, no, no.
I will carry the box.
It will bring my spare change
great honor.
Okay, you do that.
You do that.
Hey, gweilo!
I just want to say
no hard feelings, huh?
Good luck
on the new school, gweilo.
Thanks, man.
(SPEAKING CHINESE)
Dragon say, "May Wong's
school of table tennis
last 1,000 years.
"Or at least until the lease
is up in August."
Oh, thanks.
It's nice.
Thank you very much.
You know, I think
we all learned
a valuable lesson.
Dragon say, "This is
not over yet, whitey!"
Walk it off, Randy.
A true Ping-Pong player
must always be aware
of his surroundings.
(THUDDING)
Master, are you all right?
WONG:
I am going to Disneyland.
Maybe we should
keep this closed.
There's a gate here.
There's a blind man
walking around.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Feng!
Shit!
I'm not leaving without you,
Ying-Ying!
Panda's totally fake.
Feng, not Fang.
Feng?
Feng.
I've been calling you Fang
this whole time.
F-E-N-G.
Feng?
All right.
Please.