What's up, kids?
It's one week before Christmas.
I have Shitbird sleeping there...
...and I got my homeboys on standby
for a big snowball fight.
I had to order up the snow
from the Poconos...
...because it just hasn't snowed yet.
So let's get this Christmas
started off right...
...and I'm gonna go wake up Missy.
She's already awake.
[MISSY CHUCKLES]
- Yo, help me.
- Do what?
I'm gonna dump all this snow on Shitbird
and then I got some flour too.
You dump the flour, I do the snow.
- Let's go.
- Where did you get snow...? Bam.
MISSY [WHISPERING]:
What do you want me to do?
[WHISPERING]
This is a horrible way to wake up.
MISSY:
When do you want me to dump it?
Say, "Dump."
[GRUNTING]
BAM [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Wake up, Shitbird.
SHITBIRDZ:
Where the hell did you get snow from?
BAM:
I ordered snow from the Poconos.
Geronimo, Shitbird. Oh!
Hanna, don't think you're safe.
SETH:
I thought you like it?
- Oh, bitch.
SETH: Bam, Bam.
MISSY: Ow!
ALL: Ohh!
That hit me so fucking hard.
I'm not playing anymore.
I'm sorry, Missy.
I wish it wasn't funny.
Just go do something
and get out of here so I can clean.
How about liquid lunch
at the Thirsty Camel?
HANNA:
Hell, yeah.
Come up, say goodbye to me first.
HANNA: Who, me?
MISSY: No, not you.
- My husband.
BAM: Yes, ma'am.
Ew, ew.
The big party is in a week...
...and you're creating
so much more problems for me.
- Ape's coming over.
- I know, but Ape's not our maid.
Yeah, but she can't stand
to see things like this.
Yeah, but I'll look like a jerk
if I hide up here while she cleans.
I have to do it too.
- Just give me a kiss.
- Teamwork. Teamwork. Teamwork.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
All right. I'll be going.
- Later, babe.
MISSY: Bye, babe.
BAM: Let's try to slide down this thing.
MISSY: Be careful, Bam.
[YELLS]
BAM:
Whoo!
[MOUTHING "WHAT IS ROCK?"]
BAM:
What can she possibly get now?
- Yeah, Joe.
FRANTZ: That's true.
- She does have everything.
- I gave her a sweet-ass engagement ring...
...then a sweet-ass wedding ring
and then a post-wedding ring too.
She has the Range Rover,
the Lambo, the purple one.
- What else can I get her?
JESSE: Bring her Santa.
- I know where he lives.
- You do?
- He lives in Lapland, Finland. It's a fact.
FRANTZ: Well, Santa Claus, actually...
The mythos of Santa Claus, if you will,
is embodied in every culture...
- Jesus Christ.
...in the entire world.
No, really. And in it is encapsulated...
[ALL LAUGHING]
BAM: Nobody wants to hear
your Santa Claus jibber-jabber.
- He lives in Finland, okay?
- I thought he was at the North Pole.
That's what everybody thinks.
Finnish people get mad. Everybody
thinks Santa's from the North Pole.
They're like, "He lives in Finland."
Rovaniemi, Lapland.
- You deserved that, by the way.
FRANTZ: Thanks.
- With your Santa Claus jibber-jabber.
- I was trying to help you out.
I'm helping myself because I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go to Finland.
FRANTZ:
Go to Finland and bring back Santa Claus?
I'm gonna capture Santa.
Maybe I can make some calls
to some Finnish rockers...
...and find out exactly where Santa lives.
- That's awesome. Yeah.
BAM: You like that?
It's a pain in the ass to get to,
but maybe... You know what?
Starting to sound like a good idea.
- Could be done.
- Well, Christmas is one week away.
If we power it out,
we can probably get it done in five days...
...make it back by Christmas Eve,
have a party.
I don't see why we wouldn't.
HANNA: Missy already has everything.
- Dude. There's Novak.
Piece of shit.
[ALL LAUGHING]
HANNA:
What looks more shitty, him or the car?
SETH:
They're equally lousy.
Yo.
Look at this group that's going nowhere.
Nice Maserati out there.
Hey, that, dude? I just scored that thing
for 400 bucks, man.
- Four hundred bucks?
- First car I've ever owned in my life.
Did you do paperwork
or did you buy it flat out?
- I bought it.
- You're an idiot. I bet it's a stolen car.
No, it's got keys.
- So what?
NOVAK: What do you mean?
I got to take the minging-ass
shit you've seen in a while.
We have a cameraman to prove
he's gonna shit.
- Follow him in.
NOVAK: You'll smell it from here.
BAM: Yo, yo, do you have
the spray-paint can? Let's go tag his car.
[GRO ANS]
[SIGHS]
It's like pushing a baby out.
Let's go.
BAM: When does he not deserve it?
- Yo.
- Where's our brew-ha-ha?
- Coming.
Oh, Jesus.
[ALL LAUGHING]
My Louis Vuittons don't have
too much traction on the bottom.
What are you doing in town?
Spreading holiday spirit?
Fuck spreading holiday spirit. I'm trying
to spread one of these waitresses' legs.
Yo, you know what happened to Frantz?
- I can only imagine.
- I went like this:
- And then I just pushed him back.
NOVAK: Ow!
Ow!
I got you a gift. A pre-Christmas gift.
It's your gr... It's your grocery list.
NOVAK:
Heh! It really is. It is too.
Life partner. I appreciate that.
Thank you.
I'm gonna put it in my car
so it doesn't get fucked up.
NOVAK: What the fuck?
BAM: There goes some spray-paint cans.
NOVAK:
Who the fuck's in charge of this?
Maserati, yeah.
BAM: I don't know why you're so worried.
It's just spray paint.
I mean, you could have
a kicked windshield in.
Dude, this is the first...
I mean, this is the first thing
that made my mother proud.
My mother said,
"You're moving up in this world."
She calls this
"moving up in the world"?
Yo, Seth, where's that gift box?
NOVAK: You got me a gift?
BAM: Yeah.
Is this a real gift
or is this one of these charades?
You'll see.
Yeah.
BAM: Let's get you in this thing.
- What are you...? No.
- My picture. No.
HANNA: It'll go in with you.
NOVAK:
I know. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I can't fit in here.
BAM: We'll make you fit.
NOVAK:
You're messing my Louis Vuittons up.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Get me out. I want out.
HANNA: Oh, shit. Grab him.
Grab him, grab him!
JESSE:
Look. Look at his ass crack.
HANNA:
Come on.
- Don't go.
FRANTZ: Come on. Novak.
- It's Christmas.
- Yeah, shove it up your ass.
BAM:
It's just falling apart.
Don't hit the Hummer, dude.
Look at that thing.
[WINDOW SHATTERS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
BAM:
Oh! Look at that thing.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
I bet you he's going to another bar.
If we just comb West Chester,
we'll be good to go.
- I'll make phone calls too.
- All right.
- Let's do it.
- Let's go.
- He's at another bar.
HANNA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
BAM:
Which one are we doing?
I don't know.
Which one looks Christmas-y, Fanna?
What's the Christmas-iest tree?
BAM:
That one? That looks good.
HANNA: Nice.
BAM: Or that one?
- Yeah.
BAM: Oh, my God.
The big...? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why not?
We need to lug it to Duffers somehow.
- Possible?
- We can do that.
- We can do it? Sweet.
- Yup.
Well, let's get cutting.
[CHAIN SAW BUZZING]
There's nothing good
that can come out of this.
Merry Christmas.
Whoa!
Oh, shit.
[BAM YELLS]
[BAM CRYING]
HANNA:
Aww. You all right?
Santa'd be proud.
That's why I'm gonna find his ass.
HANNA:
Yeah.
We are officially rocking and rolling.
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
We just broke into Novak's car,
pushed it in neutral to this open spot.
He's still in there drinking
and has no clue what's going on right now.
Oh, yes.
Where is that scumbag?
NOVAK:
Ow!
[CROWD YELLS]
BAM:
You think you can run from us?
Well, you can't.
BAM [SINGING]: Five zany bars
Four dirty needles
Three smokes left
Two bags of bug
And I lost Bam's brand-new watch
- Let's go. What's up, Kerry?
- Ow, man.
- When did you get into town?
GETZ: Just tonight.
BAM: Why are you with this scumbag?
NOVAK: While you talk to Kerry...
...I got hot sauce burning my eye.
- Why are you with Kerry?
- He's my friend.
- He's normal.
He doesn't bang me in the head
with things like that.
Come check out your car.
We did something to it.
Is it...? Did you fix it?
Merry Christmas, bub.
NOVAK: Don't tell me what I think
will happen will happen.
BAM:
Hector, get them. Yeah.
Hector, I'll send you back to Mexico
if you drop that.
BAM & HANNA:
Here we go.
[ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING]
- That's your car.
- Your car!
SETH: All right, Novak.
BAM: You're not done yet, bub.
NOVAK: What?
- More Christmas shit to do with you.
NOVAK: Why do I even come here?
Come... I'm... Aah!
Ow!
I can't see.
HANNA: You don't need to see.
NOVAK: Come on, man. That's my... Ow!
Come on. Ow! Don't forget my jeans.
BAM: Hey, Novak, you coming to Finland?
NOVAK: Send me anywhere but near Bam.
BAM:
And we're off.
Ape and Missy are gonna be real pleased
to see this cat.
[BAM IMITATES BUZZER]
BAM: Yo, baby.
MISSY: Hi, baby.
BAM:
I got a surprise. A Christmas present.
MISSY: You did?
BAM: A early Christmas present.
- What is it?
- Well, open it.
[NOVAK FARTS]
It says, "Don't open till Christmas."
Did my present just fart?
I don't know.
Roll it down this hill and find out.
MISSY:
Are you gonna break it?
- Wait.
NOVAK: Ow! Ow!
APRIL: What's in the box?
BAM: Oh, man.
JESSE: I think we have to return it.
It's broken.
Seriously, what's in the box?
- Oh, my God.
NOVAK: Merry Christmas.
MISSY:
Are you kidding me?
NOVAK: I haven't seen...
Come here, give me a hug.
MISSY: Oh, you're dirty.
- Is this a holiday ding-ding show?
NOVAK: Can I have a hug?
- No, I'm not getting...
NOVAK: Give me one.
- I am not getting near your private parts.
NOVAK: Come on.
- Phil, Phil.
You gotta be kidding me.
- Ape.
- No, I don't want a ding-ding hug.
I don't want one, seriously.
- It's a Christmas gift.
NOVAK: Got you.
- Get off me. Yech!
BAM: We got big plans for this Christmas.
Big plans?
[NOVAK FARTS]
NOVAK:
Those plans.
You are classless.
This is just a pre-gift.
I have a week to get my main gift.
Believe me, I'm gonna get it,
but I have to go to Finland first.
- Why are you going?
BAM: I have to go to the Arctic Circle...
...for the best Christmas present ever.
- Arctic Circle?
What can you get in Finland
that you can't get at King of Prussia?
FRANTZ:
Ooh.
Well, it's a big, big, big surprise.
How about that?
We're having a party in a week.
Like, we have the whole family
coming over tomorrow to decorate.
- Well, I'll help and then...
- I guess we'll do all the work, as usual.
Who says I'm not doing work?
I'm going to the fucking Arctic Circle.
You will thank me when I'm back.
- Will I?
- Yes.
- Are you serious?
- Serious as shit water.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Where's Novak? He's got to sleep
in the Tree Top Casino tonight.
And I don't want any more shit
out of you.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[WHISPERS]
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Oh, my God, what is that?
[ALL LAUGHING]
- Oh, my God.
BAM: Rise and shine, handsome.
Hey, I could hardly call this handsome.
- Who's the girl?
- Pretty hot, isn't she?
BAM: I'll say.
- Tell them your name.
- Tell them your name.
- Mandy.
- Her name is Mandy.
- Well, get dressed. Let's do some skating.
[FARTS]
BAM:
Say, can you put those on, please?
MAND Y:
Oh, man.
- Ew. What is he wearing? Ew!
FRANTZ: Ew.
BAM:
Coming over.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Oh, man.
- Money shot.
NOVAK: I need a shower. Ow!
[BAM LAUGHING]
NOVAK:
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Oh, man.
Now that I've skated and shit,
I need clothes and a shower and warmth.
All right, well,
Seth can help you out with that.
BAM: Not on the ramp.
FRANTZ: You can't go in the house like that.
Get him.
BAM:
You in the Christmas spirit?
I feel Hanukkah.
You know, I'm Jewish.
It takes me a little longer.
I'm thinking about going
to the Arctic Circle tomorrow.
- You are?
- You wanna go?
Yeah, I'll go.
- Jimmy, hey. What's going on?
- How you doing? What's up?
What's going on, Mark?
I haven't seen you in a while, Jimm...
BAM: How you been?
NOVAK: Look, he's moving up in the world.
You got him chauffeuring
you around. Look.
BAM: What do you want for Christmas?
- Your wife.
- And he's not lying either.
JIMMY: That is honesty.
NOVAK: That's the dead truth.
- Can you help us get this tree?
You wanna head this up, Bagger?
I'm thinking about going to Finland
to capture Santa.
- What do you think about that?
- That's great. He lives at the North Pole.
Why does everybody think that?
Santa does not live at the North Pole.
- He does.
- He lives in Lapland, Finland...
...in a town called Rovaniemi. Arctic Circle.
- No, he lives at the North Pole.
- Did Jesus tell you that?
- Jimmy, it's fake.
- Jesus? Oh.
- No, Santa does not live at the North Pole.
- Where does he live?
- Finland.
JIMMY: You're going to Finland?
- I'm thinking about barging it.
But I heard it's a serious hike.
Wasting your time.
Santa lives at the North Pole.
- Wanna make a bet? I'll prove you wrong.
- Sure.
I'll go to Santa's house,
bring him back to West Chester.
How about that?
The best part: I'm going with him
to get all the Finland pussy there is.
There's only Vikings in Finland.
You're probably gonna suck their dicks.
You're gay and I'll prove it.
- How are you gonna prove it?
- How are you proving it?
I guarantee you, I get more action
in Finland than you will get here...
...even with the rock star Jimmy Pop.
Okay, you're on.
You're making two bets?
We have to prove Bagger wrong.
We should make the bets higher stake.
What's the stakes?
- I don't know. What do you think?
- What could you bet for?
JESSE:
Let's ask Shitbird what the stakes are.
BAM: What's up, Shitbird?
JIMMY: Shitbird!
NOVAK:
Just in time.
We have a bet made with the Bagger.
We have two bets.
That Santa does not live at the North Pole,
he lives in Finland, and I'm gonna prove it.
That's one.
Then he made a bet with Bagger saying
he's gonna get more puss in Finland...
...than he'll get in West Chester.
- I got Bagger's back on this one.
- All right, but what are the stakes?
WOMAN: A sexy robot?
We could get a sexy robot?
Can you hump the robot?
JIMMY: Do whatever you want to the robot.
BAM: Hump the sexy robot if you win?
- Yeah.
- Make love to it whenever you want.
- Now, there's another bet, which is:
- I'm gonna find Santa Claus.
Our stakes are...
- Hmm. They got to be high stakes.
NOVAK: Real.
JESSE:
A ride in the Lambo?
Just like that movie where the guy pays
to be with the guy's wife.
NOVAK: Oh, yeah.
MARK: Yeah, yeah.
- Indecent Proposal.
- Indecent Proposal. A great movie.
If I don't bring Santa Claus back
from Finland...
...then you get to have a date
with Missy.
- Okay. You're on.
- You're on.
You're a fucking idiot,
because you're going down.
Everybody...
...keep this a secret from Missy, please.
Let's get this tree.
NOVAK: Where do you want
the tree to go, Bagger?
Up your ass, Novak.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Christmas is five days away.
I'm going to Finland tomorrow
to capture Santa...
...and I'm bringing Novak, Frantz, Fanna,
Jess, Chad I. Ginsburg...
...and we're gonna rock 'n' roll.
Whoa!
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
Merry Christmas, motherfucker.
Bam's going down.
BAM:
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck.
MISSY: Stop.
- Fuck.
- Please stop.
It's 6:38 in the asshole morning
and my passport is nowhere to be found.
And it's not lost, it's misplaced.
All right. I really gotta go.
Because if I wanna make a flight from JFK...
...and I wanna make a pit stop
in Philadelphia...
...then I have to leave at 6:44
in the morning...
...when the flight doesn't leave
till 8 at night.
on the way to Philly.
This blows.
For my passport. Rad.
Fourth passport.
Finland-bound now.
Fuck it. Ha-ha!
[MOUTHING "WRAP YOUR
TROUBLE IN DREAMS"]
We are at JFK Airport. Got my passport.
We are officially ready to rock.
Finland-bound, here we go.
Too fucking cold in Finland
during Christmas.
I know we're supposed to go
to the Arctic Circle...
...but we have a tour bus
and I just found out that HIM...
...is 10 blocks away
and we have to go there...
...and barge in on their rehearsal studio
and find out proper directions.
All that I know is that Novak
has a bet to win.
NOVAK: Get off me.
- We're missing prime-time new HIM songs.
NOVAK: All right, but I'm not missing
Hanna's ass in my face.
[IMITATES BUZZER]
BAM:
You know what we're doing in Finland?
We're going to the Arctic Circle
to capture Santa Claus...
...take him back to Pennsylvania.
How much of a mission is that?
VALO: I wouldn't do it.
BAM: Well, what's the best way?
He used to be close to Rovaniemi.
If I asked you to draw a map from Helsinki
to Rovaniemi, can you do that?
Vaguely.
BAM: Fanna.
- What's up?
Ville has to draw the map on your belly
so we can get there.
Because I am not gonna be lost
in the Arctic Circle.
VALO: How big do you need it?
BAM: Titties to bellybutton.
VALO:
That's Helsinki.
- You go that way.
BAM: We have to go that far?
Can you bend down a little bit?
Like the...
HANNA: Like this?
MIZZY: Yeah.
- Now it's not so far.
BAM: It's not so far.
VALO:
So that's approximately where Santa is.
- You're... You're sweating a little.
- Your sweaty-ass belly is ruining the marker.
VALO: So that's Rovaniemi.
That's where we are now. Here.
That looks good to go.
Before we go on our mission,
serenade me with "Dead Lovers Lane."
[SINGING "DEAD LO VERS LANE"]
[GASPING]
- Hey.
- Hi.
APRIL: Gonna tell me
he found the passport, right?
MISSY: Of course not.
He had to go get a new one.
APRIL: You're joking.
MISSY: I'm not joking.
Ready to jump into gingerbread land?
APRIL: Oh, yeah. I'm ready.
SETH: I mean, this thing is big.
- Okay.
SETH: It's in the middle of the barn.
- It's 8 feet.
- Eight feet? No, no, no. I said 8 inches.
- Do you know how big 8 foot by 8 foot is?
- Yes.
Oh, gosh. Everything...
Even Christmas is on crack.
There is no way we can bake
enough of these...
...for a 8-foot wide, 16-foot high...
SETH: To make two.
I'm gonna help you,
but I have to call these skaters.
And I have to figure out which band
I can get. If I can get any band.
- I seriously can't be abandoned. I can't.
- I'm not gonna abandon you. I will...
Hello?
Hi, Kerry.
[WHISPERS]
I'll be right back.
Alrighty. I'll be down in the barn
if you need me.
Wait, I need you.
I'll be down there.
Call me if anything comes up.
APRIL: This great big monstrosity mansion
is not gonna make itself.
I hear you.
Hanna.
We start this mission tomorrow.
And this is unacceptable.
When we're trekking up a mountain, I'm not
gonna let your sweaty belly wash this off.
Get that tattooed.
We are not gonna be in the middle
of the Arctic Circle...
- Tattoo.
NOVAK: Let's do it. Let's get to work.
We gotta find our way.
- This doesn't say shit.
HANNA: I am not tattooing anything.
Shush, fat boy. Ville Valo.
- Huh!
- Where are you?
Corona Bar?
Well, that's two blocks away.
Can you have him bring
his tattoo equipment?
Thank you, sweetheart.
- You're going down.
- Yeah.
HANNA: Try a piece of paper.
- You'll lose it.
Anything that you get right here
is gonna be better than what it is now.
- Hundred percent true.
JESSE: Cover it up.
- I just wrote this.
- It's already... It's just dripping off.
This is pure bell shit.
- Oh, shit.
SETH: Shitbird.
SHITBIRDZ: What's up, Seth?
- What are you doing?
Making a "beeramid" tree.
I got stuff.
I need a hand down in the barn.
Yeah, but I got to do this first.
This is important.
And how big are you making it?
Pretty big. We got Jimmy Pop coming
with Bagger. And he's bringing more beer.
SETH: I can help you.
SHITBIRDZ: May as well.
- Got a foundation to build.
SETH: Gotta get done.
SHITBIRDZ: We got to drink a lot of beer.
Because it'll help Bagger.
To win this bet,
he's gotta be confident, bold and drunk.
SETH: He's always pretty confident.
- Well, then, drunk.
He's got the gift of gab,
he's a great dancer.
I heard he's got a big dick.
Shitbird! It's Jimmy Pop
and Mark the Bagger. Beeramid!
- Hey, guys.
- Yo, what's up?
What are you doing?
MISSY:
Put that beer down and give me a hug.
Real slow-like, see.
APRIL:
So who called you? Mr. Shitbirdz?
JIMMY: Shitbirdz called and said,
"Come over and build the beeramid."
- What's a beeramid?
MARK: What do you think?
I guess it looks like a Christmas tree,
but it's made with beer cans.
Stop staring at her.
We're here to build the beeramid.
Wanna make gingerbread
instead of the beer Christmas tree?
No.
[VALO SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
VALO:
Hey, brother.
I'd go for it. You gotta go for it.
Especially a guy with your weight, yeah.
That's what we've all been saying
for the last hour.
He wants me to tell you
that you're a sex machine.
So I did.
I didn't wanna tell you that.
Hanna, a sex machine? Look at this.
Take it for the team for once.
- Hanna.
- What?
Let me buy you a Jameson,
and we'll go upstairs to Torni...
...the highest point of Helsinki.
You can look at the whole nice view
and then you can get a tattoo by Juho.
A Jameson?
The night keeps getting better and better
because I have Jesse and Pirkka.
Skateboarders from Finland.
And Fanna's getting shit-bag wasted
up at the bar.
Getting ready for this tattoo.
Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah.
This is the only way to find Santa.
Now, calm the fuck down.
Lift your head up.
Where's your Christmas spirit?
Take it like a man.
Yeah. Dude, the spirit's great,
but I don't think this is a good idea.
- Okay.
VALO: Yes.
[HANNA SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Helsinki.
Hanna, Russia called
and they say:
"Shut the fuck up."
Why are you so pretty and alone?
I'm with a group of... A bunch of dipshits
out there working on tattoos...
...and I have a serious wager going on.
And I'm sitting here with four...
[WOMEN SPEAKING IN FINNISH]
[HANNA SCREAMING]
[VALO SINGING IN FINNISH]
[HANNA GRO ANING]
You are fucking hot to trot.
I'm gonna have to take you
off the track, babe. We're flying...
Where are you flying...?
[WOMEN SPEAKING IN FINNISH]
NOVAK:
I don't know what you...
[VALO SINGING IN FINNISH]
[GRO ANING]
[SPEAKS IN FINNISH]
Oh, there's Rovaniemi.
But what about Kasamialta?
Oh, no, no, no. I don't need more.
I don't need more.
Can you...? Can you put Ruisrock
over there by Turku?
JUHO: Yeah.
- Ruisrock. Whoo!
Oh, no, no. No! No.
[JUHO SPEAKS IN FINNISH]
I don't know Finnish.
You want a shot of Jameson?
[WHIMPERS]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
A little bit... Okay, I'll take all that.
[HANNA YELLS]
Sweet, Mark the Bagger's
in West Chester sexing it up.
I'm on the top of the building in Helsinki
with four broads and I can't get anything?
WOMEN:
No.
I wanna take you to heaven...
...and heaven isn't up there,
it's downstairs in 212.
So who's willing to come?
WOMEN:
No.
- Show him where Estonia is.
- All right.
BAM:
Estonia is right here.
[HANNA SCREAMING]
That had to hurt. That had to hurt.
- Juho.
JUHO: Yeah?
I really appreciate this
because now we're gonna get...
...to where we need to go.
BAM: That's the Arctic Circle.
JUHO: Yeah.
BAM: Oh, Ruisrock's right here, dude.
JUHO: Yeah.
BAM:
Estonia. Estonia.
How am I gonna explain that
to anybody?
BAM:
Don't.
BAM: Yeah.
FRANTZ: It's beautiful.
BAM: You saved Christmas
and you made Finland and us proud.
You have to make those tattoos
convincing, son.
Hey.
FRANTZ:
Yeah, Hanna, that's...
Well, we're off to Tampere tomorrow
for our mission...
...but thanks for everything.
VALO:
Good look to you, man.
Hanna, you have the map
to Santa's house.
You're a trouper.
Thank you for getting me through that.
SHITBIRDZ & JIMMY:
Beeramid.
Yeah.
- Beeramid.
- Beeramid.
SHITBIRDZ:
Beer.
[RATTLING AND CRASHING]
[JIMMY GRO ANS]
What the hell was that?
Yo!
Matt.
[JIMMY AND SHITBIRDZ LAUGHING]
Beeramid.
Beeramid.
When is he leaving?
[ALL SHOUTING]
- Tell him to shut up.
JIMMY: Beeramid.
APRIL: You guys have got to go.
- Hey.
Shut up!
Oh, yeah, we're at the Helsinki train station
and our tour bus is out there...
...but we found out the train is quicker...
...so we are right here, right now,
and we're heading up to here...
...to go see Hanoi Rocks
and get some more info on Santa Claus.
But as of now?
[HANNA GRUNTS]
You had four hot-ass girls...
...and you didn't even get anything.
What happened?
Because they speak Finnish.
I don't understand what they're saying.
They speak perfectly good English.
But they talk personal
in between each other.
And four girls talking personal
and I don't know what they're saying?
It wasn't good what they were saying,
or they would've said it in American.
- Why...?
- Bagger is balls deep now.
BAM: The Bagger's deep dick
at the West Chester University...
...and you're pussyless on a train.
NOVAK: You... I've had...
- Going more north...
...where there's less people.
I've had one night, one chance.
Like, what am I...
...Houdini
that makes it happen immediately?
Yo! Yo! Yo!
Yo!
Are you looking for Santa?
- Santa, yeah.
- What up?
CHAD:
Yeah.
Well, thank God you guys showed up
because all we have is this lousy-ass map.
JUKKA:
You know, this map actually pictures...
It's like a Finnish lady,
and that's the pussy right here.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Are you guys down
for this whole Rovaniemi mission?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, we're gonna help you guys out.
As a Christmas present,
we got something for you guys.
I don't know how you'll like this,
but I got some Santa cock on me.
What is that?
It is a bull cock.
Look at that.
Look at the tip of it.
JARPPl: That's a traditional
Finnish Christmas meal.
We gotta give you guys
a nice Christmas meal.
That is fucking minging.
NOVAK: What kind of eye is that?
What's it from?
JUKKA: It's a reindeer eye.
- All right, hotshot.
CHAD: Oh, my God.
- Put it in your mouth.
- Come on, you're wasting it.
CHAD: Good one.
BAM: Eat the fucking thing.
JESSE: All right, now. Look at this.
BAM:
Pay them dues.
[ALL LAUGHING AND GRO ANING]
JUKKA: Yeah.
BAM: Oh, my God.
- Novak just ate that.
NOVAK: Now, what's in this box?
Oh, my... Get that away.
HANNA: It's a reindeer cock.
- Dude, look at Frantz inspect...
Ew!
- Oh, dude, I'm gonna reek all day.
FRANTZ: Oh, God.
BAM: Man, and I wanted to smell good
for Andy McCoy.
[ALL LAUGHING]
NOVAK:
Why?
Hey, now I understand
why I was so sick of...
JUKKA:
Hey, hey, no fighting.
Oh, no. This is the sickest cockfight
I've ever been to.
- Oh, no.
JUKKA: Oh, no.
CHAD:
Oh, no. He's eating cock.
FRANTZ: You better win the bet.
NOVAK: I will.
- You better with the bet.
- I swear.
FRANTZ:
You better win the bet.
NOVAK:
Stop it. Stop.
Dude, I really don't like this now. DeVito.
DeVito.
I'm begging you, Frantz.
No, don't, please. Don't.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Did Novak just get raped...
...by a dead reindeer dick?
HANNA: Oh, my God.
Isn't this the best Christmas ever?
- Hey, Novak.
NOVAK: What?
Welcome to Finland.
I ate an eyeball which is just making me
sick thinking it's in my stomach.
I'm instigating so bad right now.
Novak, if you had any self-respect,
you'd get Frantz back so bad for this.
I ate a fucking eyeball.
Get that...
Dude, I'm telling you, I cannot take it.
No one got it worse than me,
you fucking...
- You're pissing me off.
FRANTZ: We did. I got my asshole...
- Why are you spitting on me?
- Because you're making me mad.
Ow! Fuck.
We just arrived at Tampere
and now what do we have to do?
- We got plenty of surprises on the road.
NOVAK: Your surprises suck.
When you ate some Pringles,
did it feel better?
No, because I feel like
I'm feeding the eyeball.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Okay, what'll make you feel better?
NOVAK: Novak's five-step program
of feeling better...
...about these people
who I've been with for two minutes...
...and cannot wait
to fucking get away from:
First, a shower to get the smell off.
Two, new clothes.
Third, a little lap on the town.
Fourth, I get pussy with the new gear I have
because I'm gonna look so fucking hot.
And what's number five?
Hanoi motherfucking Rocks.
BAM: You may or may not know who
Andy McCoy is, but he's the official man.
He's the ultimate rock 'n' roll gypsy.
His band, Hanoi Rocks,
is playing acoustic tonight.
Michael Monroe,
we're putting this mission on hold.
This is a must.
BAM:
Oh, yeah, basically. Fuck, yeah.
You got a new set of clothes.
- I'm feeling 20 times better.
- Actually, Santa Claus is a busy man.
He won't wait.
So we gotta keep moving.
But if we're in Tampere
and Hanoi Rocks is playing...
...I don't see why
we wouldn't go visit them.
And plus, he must have advice
about Santa Claus.
I mean, he's been living in Finland
for ages and he's 50, rocker.
That's your excuse to hang out
with another rock star for another night.
I wanna find Santa. I wanna win this bet.
- Yeah.
- You wanna win this bet?
Hey, babe.
- This is Novak, here.
- Hello.
He's gotta win this bet.
DeVITO: How old are you guys?
- Sixteen.
- Don't kiss her.
NOVAK: All right. Yeah.
DeVITO: Sorry.
- Jesus.
Okay, but if you wanna meet God,
you have to kiss me.
- You? Yeah. That's okay.
- Yes.
Bagger, you're going down.
- Now, God, meet her.
- Okay, can I get a photo? Thank you.
Now let's go get Santa.
We're in Tampere right now...
...and I just got a call on my phone
from Andy McCoy...
...and he said to meet him at his hotel
before the show, so...
And I definitely have to introduce him
with Novak...
...because they have a lot in common.
That is true.
You're looking rocking, dude.
Hey, hey, hey.
[SPEAKS IN FINNISH]
McCO Y:
Weren't you banned from the U.S.
For 10 years?
You have to play in an hour, you know.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Andy promised to rock us
all the way to Lapland.
[SINGING "G YPSY BOOTS"]
JUKKA:
Right here is Tampere.
We're going the right direction.
- We still got plenty to go.
JESSE: Look how far that is.
We gotta keep moving.
[CROWD CHEERING]
How far is the hike?
BAM:
Nine hours by foot? That's one full day.
McCO Y:
Andy McCoy says that we need
to go by foot and it takes nine hours...
- Roughly.
...so that's what we're going to do.
Hanoi Rocks, acoustic for the first time.
Tampere, Finland.
Fuck, yes.
Now we gotta go.
I'm serious this time.
We're going to find Santa.
Andy McCoy just gave me
the best advice in the world...
...and that's hiking nine hours...
...and I can't remember the rest.
I think he said take a left
at the mountain of God.
[SINGING IN FINNISH]
- We're done with this shit.
- Andy McCoy.
Andy McCoy,
we're going to look for Santa.
- Andy McCoy.
- We're gonna drink.
Get the fuck out of here.
- Get out of here.
- Santa Claus, represent.
- Yeah.
- How far did we drive?
Like six hours.
- Six hours?
- We're not even close.
- Let's take a look at where we're at.
NOVAK: I gotta shit my ass off.
Have you shit that eyeball out yet?
[NOVAK LAUGHING AND GRUNTING]
HANNA: That's the eyeball.
BAM: That's the eyeball.
- That's the eyeball. Ew! Ew!
JESSE: That's the eyeball.
JUKKA:
The eyeball. You got rid of it.
BAM:
That's the only thing in there.
NOVAK:
Oh, God.
The only thing that came out
was the eyeball.
That's not even considered shit. That's a
pure eyeball with a bit of shit around it.
BAM:
Ew! It's stuck to my shoe.
You feel that gross right now,
I swallowed...
...and dealt with it for a day.
BAM: Look at it.
That is minging.
NOVAK:
I can't believe it stayed whole.
I thought it would disintegrate
in my body.
BAM:
That's a stunt that's never been done.
We gotta get going. Here.
That's where we'll find Santa.
Four hours, then we gotta hike the nine
hours that Andy McCoy talked about.
BAM:
Jiminy Christmas, I need some thermals.
Goddamn, I did not realize
how far the Arctic Circle is.
And then we have a nine-hour trek
to look forward to.
I don't care if they're minging,
do something.
- Find me a girl.
- Take whatever you can get at this point.
FRANTZ: Bro, right there.
- A pregnant one.
And a son.
And her husband's in the driver's seat.
- Yeah, see? Strikeout number 12.
BAM: That's so mucked up.
JIMMY:
So, um, you checking out girls and stuff?
- Yeah.
- Because my goal...
- Right there in the white.
...before Novak gets back is...
- Again.
- Yeah!
- Yeah, back to back. Back to back.
- There we go.
Would you pay attention?
We're trying to...
- Back to back.
- Do you want puck or fuck?
- Focus.
- It's happening.
- Listen, dude.
- Yeah.
We're trying to hook you up
with buttered zero...
...and Shitbirdz and I got a plan.
Right behind us
are some very pretty girls.
Do you girls like Tony Danza?
Wanna come back to my place, watch
a whole series of Who's the Boss? on DVD?
And I like... I watch Saved by the Bell...
...and all those other guys.
JIMMY: Full House.
Full House, yeah.
NOVAK: Wait, wait, wait. We can't
leave yet. Has anyone seen my iPod?
We stopped at that hamburger joint
last night and I put it in the bag.
Why the fuck would you put your iPod
in a hamburger wrapper?
Because that's all I had to carry it in.
I sat it right on the middle of the table...
...a clean table like...
- Like this?
- Yeah.
- Well, that's considered trash.
NOVAK: That's... And we're going
farther away. I'm losing my iPod.
- Farther and...
- I'm digging through a trash bag right now.
What the hell?
- Yo. Yo.
- What?
HANNA: You got it?
- That's it.
- That's my iPod.
- Why would you put it in this?
NOVAK:
Wait, yeah.
- It's a hamburger bag.
- And look.
I bought a card for my girlfriend
at the truck stop last night.
I'm writing a love note to Mandy.
[IMITATES NOVAK]
Mandy, I just shit out an eyeball. I love you.
BAM:
Is this bus really stuck?
JUKKA:
No. It just can't continue anymore.
It's too small, the road is.
Can't we just make a U-turn in this bus?
- No, no, it's stuck. We gotta go.
- Do you really wanna not do this?
We've made it this far.
We've never been closer to Santa
in our lives.
You are right about that.
He did bring me
my first Michael Jackson jacket.
Me too.
- I had one too. Mine was red.
- Oh, threesomes. Yeah.
- So we're officially above the Arctic Circle?
- Actually, to be honest...
- Are we really, though, seriously?
...we're lost.
BAM: Dude, it's too late to hike forward now.
We have to sleep on the tour bus tonight.
Which way is north?
JARPPl: That way.
- How do you know that?
I can smell it.
Do you have a compass?
Suppose you think north is slightly
this way, but it's really that way.
- What happens if...?
- In this section.
- We've been here before.
NOVAK: Since you've shown up...
...nothing but trouble's happened.
Why should we trust you?
All right, well, we made it this far,
so why not?
Let's just go where these idiots
say the right way is.
All right, this one's for Andy McCoy.
JUKKA:
Yo, should we take left or right?
Dude, that's the shit I'm talking about.
They don't know shit about shit.
- Are you winging this?
- We take right.
- I know. I was just...
- You're just saying that.
HANNA: I smell bullshit.
BAM: We have to win.
There's no way I'm letting the Bagger
go on a date with my wife.
APRIL:
What's that thing?
SETH:
It's the frame for the gingerbread house.
- I wasn't kidding.
- How big is this party gonna be? Like...
- Big.
MISSY: People back there...
...people lining the walls.
Skate jam going on here.
Band there.
I'm going to get his present today.
You come with me.
- What are we doing?
- I'm gonna get him a tour bus.
- Whoa.
- What?
Because he needs one.
- Know anything about buses?
- I don't know anything...
...but I asked Jimmy to come help me.
SELENA: Jimmy Pop?
MISSY: Yeah.
- He knows tour buses.
MISSY: Right.
JUKKA:
Yo, so here's the dogsleds.
We got the huskies ready.
We're gonna start hauling ass.
Finally, Novak.
- Yes.
JUKKA: Win the bet.
[BOTH SPEAKING IN FINNISH]
JESSE: Has anyone taken into consideration
how to get back?
You're thinking way ahead.
Let's worry about getting there,
then about getting back.
[BARKING]
[SHOUTING AND WHOOPING]
[INAUDIBLE]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN:
What's going on?
I'm looking to buy some kind of RV...
...or tour bus,
something like that for my husband.
- Any idea what you're looking for in a bus?
- I spend a lot of time on buses...
...and I know we want something
that Bam can make poopies on.
It's funny with Bam-Bam,
Indian food makes him...
- It's splatter poopies.
- Sweet.
Pizza, he tends to have
these tiny rabbit poopies...
...but it doesn't matter what kind.
We need a poopy bus.
[DOG WHIMPERING]
Jukka.
Yo, these dogs are worked.
JUKKA: Yeah.
- This one's all bit up.
Look how tired all the dogs are.
JUKKA: They're dying.
BAM: They can't take it.
JUKKA: Well, think about them dragging
Hanna's fat ass all over the place.
We gotta find a new way.
- Yeah.
- We gotta get some engines.
Whoo!
Cheers.
Aah!
JUKKA:
Look at this.
Novak. Now, this is time
to stop bitching.
Did the Bagger get any pussy yet?
MISSY:
Uh, I don't believe so.
All right, well, Novak frenched
one girl in Tampere and that's it.
He's gonna wind up humping a grandma.
So why are you trekking
to the Arctic Circle for my present?
Because I'm 28 years old
and it's time to have a proper Christmas...
...and I'll leave it at that.
Huh. Well, just get your little butt home
in time for this party. I need you.
Well, I'll be home in probably
two to three days.
Okay.
And I'll have proper gifts for everyone.
I'll have a nice surprise
for you too, babe.
Love you, baby.
I love you too, baby.
- All right, here we go.
- Bye.
- Perfect.
JESSE: Oh, yeah.
Now, that's how you light a fire.
What did Missy say?
Is Bagger getting laid?
Barry?
JESSE: Who's Barry?
- Who the fuck is Barry?
JUKKA:
You got a side bet going on?
NOVAK: Is Bagger getting laid or what?
- He's still trying, which is good.
FRANTZ:
And better than you.
- Keep shoving your head up Hanna's ass.
- Hopefully...
SHITBIRDZ: Ready?
- You into it?
- Yeah.
- We can't lose with that mustache, bro.
- Yeah, exactly.
- You know, if you don't...
If that doesn't smell like tuna fish by the
end of the night, something went wrong.
JIMMY: I don't know if you saw this yet.
There's a girl over there.
Go up and say, "I love that pink shirt.
Did you get that in Paris?"
Say you're a lot...
You know Bam Margera.
JIMMY:
"I know Bam, I know Bam, I know Bam."
Good evening, ladies.
My name is Mark.
I love that pink outfit.
Did you get it in Paris?
- Have you ever been to Paris?
- Do...? Have you ever been to Paris?
Do you...? Do you live here often?
I know Bam Margera.
Have you ever been to New York City?
Yeah. Have you?
Yes, it's nice there.
- I know.
- Yup.
- Are you a fashion model?
- No.
Oh. You look like you... You look like one.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, it's... You know.
A pretty girl like you,
I'm sure you could model down a runway.
Say, "Yo, I don't have
a Lamborghini...
...but if you wanna
drive the Lambor-weenie..."
No, I won't say that.
- Try that.
- They'll laugh.
I don't have a Lamborghini...
...but would you like
to ride my Lambor-weenie?
Could I have your panties?
Have fun with Valhalla, Novak,
because Mark the Bagger is getting...
...West Chester breast-ises.
- That's right.
JESSE: Let him sleep.
BAM: Flannel Frantz.
JUKKA: Yoo-hoo.
JARPPl: Yoo-hoo.
JUKKA:
Yoo-hoo, Frantz. Wake up.
BAM: See if he's awake.
See if Frantz is faking it or not.
[FARTS]
[NOVAK GRO ANS]
NOVAK: Dude, he's dead asleep,
and I just ripped the biggest fart in his face.
NOVAK: We're really not hurting him,
we're helping him.
BAM: Oh, man.
JESSE: He's gonna wanna fight all of us.
HANNA: Yeah, he'll flip out, dude.
He loves that hair.
NOVAK: Hurry up, quick, faster.
HANNA: Oh, my God.
NOVAK: Dude, that's 10 years' worth
of hard growing.
It wasn't me, ladies and gentlemen.
Look at Novak with Joe Frantz's hair.
NOVAK:
Frantz, get up.
FRANTZ:
NOVAK: Get up. It's time to go.
JUKKA: We gotta keep walking.
FRANTZ:
Did you do some...?
Did you, like, shit on me?
NOVAK: No, I just farted in your face.
No big deal.
BAM:
Do you like Novak's wig?
Did you guys shit and piss on me?
Fuck.
Why are you staring at me?
BAM:
We found a wig in the woods.
JARPPl: You might have one of those
rare Arctic Circle diseases.
No, no, no.
Is that my hair?
JARPPl: I've never heard that said
to another person.
[FRANTZ GRUNTS]
[NOVAK LAUGHING]
JUKKA:
Woo-hoo!
NOVAK: You dipshit.
Now you look like shit and you're on fire.
BAM: Yeah, you put out the fire.
Now we're gonna freeze.
SHITBIRDZ:
How about:
- "Can't talk with your mouth full?"
- Can't talk with your mouth full?
JIMMY: Check it out,
"Do you want a Sex on the Beach?"
- Have any Sex on the Beach?
- Have Sex on the Beach?
JIMMY: You want some?
- Do you want some?
JIMMY: Ask her what her name... Ask her.
- What's your name, hottie?
- Say it again.
- Can I smell your heinie hole?
Come on, yo.
Dude, don't even worry.
You can stand under my umbrella.
Come on, let's do this.
Get under the umbrella.
All right, let's do this.
There's no umbrella.
- There's nowhere to go except the teepee.
JUKKA: Don't just sit around, do something.
NOVAK:
We just sit around and freeze?
NOVAK:
It's your fault we're cold now.
We could be in a nice,
warm bar right now.
NOVAK:
It was your idea to find Santa.
I thought it was a good idea
at the time.
[SPEAKING IN FINNISH]
[DUDESONS SCREAMING]
BAM:
You're on fire, man.
That sucked.
I'm going to the teepee
and I'm going to bed...
...and I don't care about anything else.
JUKKA: Are you feeling still cold?
BAM: I don't care.
There's a reason for everything...
...and this reason
is waking everybody up real fast...
...because if I tap everybody awake...
...they're all gonna be angry
and miserable all day long.
So I'm gonna do this nice and quick.
[WHISPERS]
Yo. Yo.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
This will wake everybody up real fast.
[ALL SCREAMING]
HANNA: What are you doing?
NOVAK: Hey!
JARPPl:
Stop.
We're awake.
BAM:
I knew you'd wake up.
HANNA:
That sucked.
I got snow in my ass crack.
JESSE: You got snow on your balls.
- Everybody's awake.
JUKKA: Where is Novak?
- You bailed out early.
NOVAK: I'm awake. I'm awake.
- Pull his pants down.
NOVAK: I was the first one awake.
How are you saying I'm not awake?
Sorry, Novak.
Let's make him into a snowman.
JUKKA: Okay, hey, Novak.
JARPPl: Your ass is cleaned up.
BAM:
Come on, Snowvak.
NOVAK:
Where...? Now which way are we going?
We go that way.
- How do you know it's that way?
- I'm telling you it's that way.
- What time will we get to Santa's?
- Couple hours.
JARPPl: Some hours.
- A couple hours.
There's never a straight answer.
Let's just walk.
Let's go, because they're lying
about everything they say.
JARPPl: We don't lie.
NOVAK: Yeah.
JIMMY: Something smells good.
SHITBIRDZ: Yeah. What is it?
Oh, yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey.
JIMMY: Oh, no.
- What's up, Phil?
- Are you out of your minds?
- What?
- Ape's in the laundry room.
- She'll freak out if you're eating this.
- You got any milk?
No, just don't let her see you eating it
because she'll scream.
JIMMY: Good.
- It is good.
PHIL: How could they not be eating it?
It's crazy.
Like, she'll get pissed the hell off
and shit.
She's gonna be pissed.
APRIL: Please don't let me forget
I put those towels in the drier.
- Ape, I tried...
APRIL: What?
- What's this?
- Why are you eating that?
- Look at the mess they made.
- You had some.
- I did not.
APRIL: What were you thinking?
Phil said we could have some.
- You said they could have some?
- I look up, they're eating.
Just finish the pieces you got and go.
- Are you finishing that one over there?
- What one?
That right there
tells me that we're close.
And this is exactly what Andy McCoy
was warning us about.
This long, long trek by foot.
This is actually the fun part.
Let's take a helicopter.
Yeah, so now we're gonna take
a helicopter so we can check out our route.
Because if we go in any wrong direction,
we're F'd.
All right, who's in?
Jesse? Fanna? Jukka? Let's go.
- No, you stay here, play with your eggs.
JARPPl: Why not me?
Where the fuck is Santa?
We have found Santa's house
and it is far.
But we do know that it's thataway.
And we're gonna have to walk by foot.
Like how Andy says.
Because Andy McCoy is always right.
- He is a wise man.
- Here's the toughest part.
BAM:
My body's shutting down.
- Lf I die here, the mission isn't complete.
HANNA: Bam, look.
- What?
HANNA: Look in front of us.
- Holy shit.
- What is that?
- Are those reindeer?
- Yeah.
- Does that not mean that we're close?
HANNA: Can we use those?
JESSE: Whose are those?
BAM: Reindeer.
NOVAK: They're Santa's.
JUKKA: That's Rudolph.
How do we work these things?
Doesn't matter. Anything's better
than walking as far as we've walked.
- I don't care if he runs me into a tree.
- Yeah.
Yo, I think he has a look on you.
He knows.
- About the eye.
NOVAK: He's eyeing me down, literally.
- Dude, take me to Santa's house. Let's go.
NOVAK: Yeah, let's just get out of here now.
[BOTH SPEAKING IN FINNISH]
JUKKA:
Oh, yeah. Woo-hoo!
BAM: We're here.
JUKKA: Now we're going.
NOVAK:
Next time, let's go to the bathroom before...
JESSE:
I'm hydroplaning.
[ALL SHOUTING]
BAM:
Oh, yeah.
JARPPl:
Oh, mine fell.
[ALL SHOUTING]
JUKKA:
Happy?
ALL:
Yeah.
[CHEERING]
HANNA:
Yeah.
BAM: Yeah, all right.
NOVAK: Yes.
JUKKA:
Yeah.
NOVAK:
High-five. Yes.
We're at Santa's.
HANNA: Yeah, motherfucker.
NOVAK: God.
FRANTZ: Yeah. I don't care about how cold
my feet are anymore.
JARPPl: Hey, fuck all you guys.
It wasn't that hard.
JESSE: What's he eating?
JUKKA: Hey, we made it.
This is the first time you guys
actually kept your word.
Bam, man, that was a long trip.
I hope Santa's not a fucking asshole.
I need hot chocolate with booze in it.
JARPPl: Hey, ladies and gentlemen,
let me introduce: Santa Claus.
BAM: Yeah.
FRANTZ: Yeah. Whoo!
NOVAK:
This is the first time...
This is the first time
you guys did the right move.
JUKKA: Yeah.
NOVAK: You got us here.
BAM: Well, my bet is won.
It's all up to you now, Novak.
NOVAK:
Oh, yeah.
BAM: Yeah.
- Holy shit.
HANNA:
Hey, look there.
BAM: This is it, guys.
HANNA: This is the real deal.
BAM: This is a real bell.
NOVAK: Yeah.
You guys really did get us
to Santa Claus' hut.
- Hut?
- Hut?
JUKKA: This is a castle.
BAM: This is Santa's lair.
JUKKA: Yoo-hoo, Santa Claus.
- He's gotta be back here somewhere.
JUKKA: Yeah.
BAM: Just follow the trail.
NOVAK: Where is he hiding?
It's all dark and shit.
BAM:
Chad, what do you want for Christmas?
What are you gonna ask Santa for?
- World peace.
- World peace?
That's what everybody wants, right?
JARPPl:
I want a new thumb to Jarppi.
Yeah. That's a good wish.
BAM: A new...
HANNA: A new tummy?
BAM:
No, a new thumb.
I would like to have a new thumb
so I won't have to do this.
JUKKA:
I love this.
BAM:
Frantz, what do you want?
Give me something nice and surprise me.
We were talking about a robot
before we left.
I'm pretty Ionely, haven't had a girlfriend
in six months. Here you go.
Jess?
- "Grand Theft Auto IV."
BAM: Someone kill him.
- Fanna, what do you want?
- Somebody to get rid of Jess.
- What's your wish?
- To fucking bang his wife out.
- How? You don't know what she looks like.
- I don't care.
"What do you want for Christmas?"
Is the question.
I want a football.
- Is this it?
HANNA: This is it.
BAM: All right, boys.
NOVAK: He... Santa is behind this door?
All right, boys.
CHAD: I'm kind of nervous.
- Santa Claus is behind this door.
JUKKA:
This is it.
Yeah.
NOVAK: Should we knock, be polite?
FRANTZ: I can't wait.
CHAD: I can't handle the anticipation.
- What do you do?
- How do you get in?
FRANTZ: Call out for his wife.
JARPPl: You have to know the secret knock.
NOVAK: What's the secret knock?
FRANTZ:
What's the secret knock?
Open the fucking door.
JUKKA: Yoo-hoo!
NOVAK: Are you...? So are you?
HANNA: You gotta pull.
NOVAK: Ooh.
- What's...? Is he in here?
BAM: Listen.
JUKKA: Get in, guys.
JESSE: Wow.
This is where you sit on his lap.
- And ask for presents.
NOVAK: Fuck.
- Where the hell is he?
- Well, where is he?
BAM:
Maybe he's taking a shit.
Santa!
NOVAK:
This is where he sits. Look at that seat.
What the hell is that?
- "Bahamas or bust!"
NOVAK: Are you kidding me?
MAN [ON RECORDING]: Ho, ho, ho.
Sorry, kids. After Santa hands out presents...
... he's off to the Bahamas.
Come back next year.
What a fat dick.
[DUDESONS SPEAKING IN FINNISH]
[HANNA SCREAMS]
BAM: This is fucked.
JARPPl: We did our best.
JUKKA: Sorry, guys.
We got you here, but we can't...
Bagger will never believe us.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
All right, let's go back to Helsinki,
drink ourselves into a coma...
JESSE:
I need a drink so bad.
- Wind up in an alley.
Oh, my God.
I don't even feel like
taking those dogsleds and shit.
We don't need to.
I am not riding this dick train.
I'm not riding the reindeer again.
Dude, we have to get home...
...we're missing Christmas.
- We'll take a bullet train.
JESSE: A what?
- A bullet train?
Why didn't we take that here?
Because you can't take advice
from Andy McCoy and not do it.
HANNA: Oh, God.
- We wanted to make it into an adventure.
Wait. Are you just trying to tell me
that we're gonna go home empty-handed...
...without Santa Claus...
...and the Bagger's gonna be going out
with your wife, wife, wife.
[FRANTZ GRUNTING]
NOVAK:
What was that for?
Because this whole mission is a failure.
Let's go back to Helsinki.
Bullet train.
Hey, fuck you, Santa.
I definitely lost my bet,
but Novak won his...
...and now I'm gonna drink my misery
in Helsinki.
Misery? Speak for yourself.
CHAD:
You know, Bam-Bam's...
...just frigging drinking away his sorrows
and we couldn't bring Santa back.
Dude, he is bumming down there.
Look at him.
What's Bagger gonna think?
Embarrassing.
Does that make him win two bets?
- No.
HANNA: Man.
BAM:
But Novak's hooking up right now, so...
We gotta figure this out. This is our last
night that we can work on this.
Gotta make it happen tonight.
There's no chance
you can't close a deal in Bam's house.
We got a plan: Lamborghini...
...Castle Bam, your weenie.
- Yeah.
JIMMY: All right.
Throw me that jacket.
- Yeah, Bam's jacket?
- Yeah, let me see that.
SHITBIRDZ:
Yeah, there you go.
Oh, yeah.
- I got an idea.
- All right.
- What are you drinking?
- Beer.
- We need a beer for my friend here.
- Nice to see you.
How's it going?
This is my buddy Novak.
NOVAK:
Hey, how you doing, man?
- Jonne. Nice to meet you.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Long time no see.
NOVAK: That's great. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Come here.
BAM:
And then we got there, he's on vacation.
Now I'm back in Helsinki
and I'm getting shitfaced.
JESSE:
Cheers to that.
Now I have to come up
with a second plan.
I can't come home empty-handed.
- Wouldn't that suck?
- Maybe if you dye my beard white.
Let's get shit-bag wasted.
Bagger, with him dressed like that,
this is definitely gonna work.
[IMITATING BAM]
How'd you get so messed up?
Phil and Ape ain't gonna care none.
Let's get you laid.
We got the Lamborghini,
we got the place you can take them.
JIMMY [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
We got an overweight Bam Margera.
We got Bam Margera.
We cannot lose. All right. Those girls.
- Let's do this.
- Yeah.
JIMMY: This is Mark the Bagger, our friend.
- What's up?
- Hi.
- Hey, man.
It's gonna break your heart.
- A girl like you, living in Philadelphia...
- Eyes.
Like you in Philadelphia...
JIMMY:
You keep looking... Keep your chin up.
Stop that.
Where do you live in Philadelphia?
- Where in Philadelphia do you live?
- The ghetto.
- Awesome.
- True story.
NOVAK: Holy shit.
JUSSl: Andy in the house.
Andy in the house.
NOVAK:
Go pay his cab.
JESSE: What did he say?
- Go pay my cab.
- You hear that?
- It's so Andy.
There they are.
- Hey.
- No, no, not The Dudesons.
- You guys still whining about the Lapland?
JARPPl: Yeah.
- I knew you guys liked it.
- I'm still bummed about the reindeer cocks.
And then when I got there,
he was on vacation in the Bahamas.
- Goddamn, so...
- I took your advice.
Yeah, well...
JUKKA:
Hey, yo, yo. Hey, look at that beard.
Hey, let's take that dude from there
because he looks like Santa.
He looks exactly like Santa.
- Nobody knows what Santa looks like.
- Wait. Why don't we take him...
...send him over there?
Throw him at the end of the bar,
see if they even notice.
They'll fall for it.
A random dude from the bar?
HANNA: I think it's a good idea.
JUKKA: Drink your shots. All right.
JESSE:
Aah!
Let me call Bagger
and see what he's up to.
Please do.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
WOMAN 1: Yes?
JIMMY: All right, ready?
WOMAN 1:
Much better.
- We gotta keep going.
WOMAN 2: Wait.
- Hello?
- Yo, Bagger.
Hello?
- Bagger. Bagger.
- Hello?
Hello?
- What do I do?
- Bagger?
- Hello.
- Bagger. What are you doing?
Yeah, Novak.
What are you doing now?
Um, dancing with about 10 hot chicks.
What are you doing?
- Yeah, right.
- I'm gonna have 10...
...Sunday night.
I'm gonna win this bet, so...
- ... I'm going back to Bam's, motherfucker.
- Hold on.
Millionaire, what are you gonna do
about this?
You lose.
Talk to you later, punk-ass. Bye.
They call me the big daddy.
Bam, you better make a call.
- He cannot get any action.
- I'm on your side.
- It's done.
- So do it.
JIMMY: Ain't nothing get clam
like knowing Bam.
The temperature of this is higher
than your IQ. I'm ready to do this.
- Ah, yeah.
WOMAN: No.
SHITBIRDZ: Come on in, everybody.
JIMMY: Oh, yeah.
SHITBIRDZ:
Don't take them off.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Over here.
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Over here. I need a new beer.
Yoo-hoo! Over here.
Yoo-hoo! I need a new beer.
BAM: Baltimore.
- Guys, dude, what about him?
- Check him out.
McCO Y: What? What?
Andy, check him out.
What do you think about him?
This guy... He's perfect.
BAM: He's drunk.
- He's drunk, yes.
So what, he's drunk?
BAM:
I can't take a drunk Finn...
...back to Pennsylvania.
- Why not?
- Look at him.
- Imagine you go without Santa.
- Talk to him.
McCO Y: You talk to him.
- Talk to him.
- Talk to him.
- You talk to him.
- Okay. Say:
"Come back to Pennsylvania
to come to my Christmas."
- I never met the dude before, okay?
- Do it.
McCO Y: Okay.
- Here he goes.
So, sir...
Mark the Bagger...
...did I not tell you we would get
some buttered zero back in the hot tub?
You came through in the clutch, even if
you had to dress up like Bam Margera.
WOMAN: Are you having a good time?
- Oh, yeah.
SHITBIRDZ:
Dude, are you rock hard or what?
Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah.
SHITBIRDZ: Does your dick
feel like Donald Trump right now?
Fuck, yeah.
- You look cute with your hair wet.
- Thanks.
Fuck, yeah. Hell, yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, shit. What the fuck is this?
- Move over girls, these boys are ours.
- Uh-oh.
MAN: We have to get in,
just to warm up a bit.
JIMMY:
Did you invite them?
- Did you invite them?
- No.
Did you invite them? No, no, no.
I came here to hang out with chicks,
not make a Wham! Video.
- Guys, we're gonna get out.
JIMMY: No, no, no.
MAN: We got them...
- Those are totally fake.
No, wait, come back here.
Frankie Goes to West Chester?
- What the fuck happened?
MARK: What the hell happened, Jimmy?
You know it's bullshit.
Jimmy. Shitbirdz.
[McCO Y SPEAKS IN FINNISH]
McCO Y:
Novak. Andy got Santa to come back.
Hey, we just found Santa Claus.
HANNA:
Santa!
- Here's to Santa and Christmas. Cheers.
- All right.
- All right.
- Rock 'n' roll.
Oh, yeah. Fuck, yeah.
I was wrong.
Santa's not a fucking asshole.
NOVAK:
Yeah, Santa.
We just won this bet.
We got Santa Claus right here,
thanks to Andy McCoy.
What do you have to say for yourself?
This is a microphone.
The microphone looks good. I'll drink it.
JUSSl:
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Novak just won like a motherfucker.
Bagger, I'm gonna have a threesome...
...with Maria and Ella, Ella, Ella.
[NOVAK & BAM SINGING]
Are you gonna keep me warm?
- All night long?
WOMAN: Yeah.
NOVAK:
Oh, Christ. I am in heaven.
That wound up with two girls.
Whoa.
What the fuck? It's closed.
I'm in knee-deep poontang.
Get down.
Yeah.
- Hey, guys.
MISSY: Hey.
PHIL: Welcome.
APRIL: Have fun?
- Welcome.
- What's up?
Phil, come here, man.
- Phil...
- Oh, hi.
- Jesse.
BAM: We brought Santa, we found him.
I brought back the real Santa Claus.
MISSY: Is this the real Santa?
JESSE: Indeed it is.
MISSY: Hey, Santa.
SANTA: Hi.
APRIL:
He's really the real, real one?
I've been a very, very good girl.
Andy McCoy made us trek through
the goddamn Arctic Circle...
...by foot, dogsleds, snowmobile...
APRIL: Oh, my gosh.
...helicopter and reindeer,
but we're back and we have Santa.
- I've gotta hug the real Santa.
NOVAK: The real Santa, right here.
I invited all your favorite skaters here.
Yeah, we're having a party.
MISSY: I have a bunch more surprises.
This is just the beginning.
- What happened to your hair?
- You had a son...
...20-some years ago, and he did this.
I made it. How are you?
This is the real Santa from Finland.
[BOTH SPEAK IN FINNISH]
- That's howdy, right?
- Hello.
Okay. Are you gonna get a tattoo?
- Oh. Been there, done that.
BAM: Santa has a tattoo.
There's a swallow. That's awesome.
A piece of history right there.
- Hi.
- Hi. I didn't know you were coming here.
Seth, I did not bring Santa all the way
from the Arctic Circle...
...to not get pulled in properly by a sled.
Four thousand miles
and we finally made it.
NOVAK: Yes.
- I'm riled up.
NOVAK: Party.
- There's a surprise inside.
But before we go in,
I have something else for you.
Turn around.
Everybody, make a little space.
NOVAK:
This sounds, like, hot.
[HORN BLARING]
[ALL CHEERING]
NOVAK: Missy came in white-hot for you
this time.
That's the best goddamn present
I've ever seen.
- Get him. Merry Christmas.
JIMMY: Merry Christmas.
- Jimmy.
- What's up, bro?
- What ha...? What is this?
- This is yours.
Well, Jimmy's driving.
MISSY: I know. He helped me.
- I'm presenting it.
- You picked it out?
- He helped me.
- We hung out while you were gone.
- We did.
- What kind of hanging out?
- Right?
- High-five.
- You like it?
I didn't see inside, but it looks pretty
fucking awesome from the outside.
But I do know one thing...
...you lost the bet.
- Yeah, I sure did.
BAM: He had threesomes...
Well, everything was going perfect
until you guys sent two...
...fruits or something our way.
I don't even know what those were.
- I don't know what they were.
- You won the sexy robot.
Sexy robot. I can have threesomes
with my girlfriend and the robot now.
I told you Santa's not from the North Pole,
he's from Finland and I have him right there.
- Bagger, this is the real Santa Claus.
- How you doing?
[SPEAKS IN FINNISH]
I brought home Santa Claus,
Novak won the bet. You, no Missy.
MARK: Oh, well.
- What do you mean, no Missy?
- What?
- What...?
NOVAK: You didn't...?
- You made a bet with me as the prize?
BAM: That's what he wanted.
- You didn't tell your wife?
Well, it... You know.
- I knew that Novak would win.
- Life partner.
Thanks for pimping me out.
He doesn't know about the Jimmy Pop quiz
we took earlier, though.
The barn is your second part
of your present.
My first favorite
is the fact that Chris Cole is here.
Nick Dompierre and Kerry Getz
and who else is in there?
Wait till you see.
[ALL CHEERING]
Riled up.
- You need to call a doctor.
- Because we're about to get sick.
[SINGING "STEP DOWN"]
SINGER:
Merry Christmas.
[CROWD GRO ANS]
[CHEERING]
BAM:
Fuck, yeah. Thanks for coming out.
Thanks, everyone, for coming out.
Best Christmas ever.
This one goes out to Santa...
...the real motherfucking Santa
from Rovaniemi.
And by the way,
where the fuck is Santa?
Did he leave you already?
He's sick of your ass.
BAM:
Where the fuck is Santa?
I told you I'd get you a gift.
- You always lie to me. Why say...?
- I am not lying. Seth?
- Bullshit.
- While we were in Finland...
...he was doing some nice work
with your vehicle.
The one that I've bought
with every dollar...
...I've ever saved in my life?
- Right.
This better be like a Lamborghini
or a Murcilago or something.
- Close to it.
- It's a super car.
And it's all yours.
BAM:
Let's see what you did.
- All right.
- That's bullshit, man.
I spent all my money on this car
and you do this to it?
- It's your car.
- It's not that bad.
It's not that bad? Look at it.
I think you need a drink.
And I get a new car tomorrow?
BAM: I'll hold the umbrella over your head
the whole day.
- You'll be my assistant today?
- Yes.
Because I'm sorry.
And then, what's the next gift?
A real car?
No, a sexy robot.
I don't need a robot to bang out.
I got a hot-ass broad waiting for me.
Where do you wanna go?
I'll be your chauffeur.
I wanna go to Italy.
When?
The next movie.
Jiminy Christmas.
- Where's Santa?
- You better give...
Give me a present that's right,
for Christ's sake.
Sick of this, man.
If he don't want it, I'll take it.
It's yours.
You got the matching bandanna.
- Merry Christmas, Chad.
CHAD: Thanks, Seth.
By the way,
Santa's not a fucking asshole.
SETH: He smells differently
than I thought he would.
Don't tell anybody, but he's just a random
drunk we found at a Finnish bar.
Where is the real Santa?
[SNORING]
Merry Christmas, babe.
Taste it.
Gifts from the real Santa.
- This is to Bam.
PHIL: Says you guys.
Osama Bin Laden
with a Van Halen T-shirt.
FRANTZ: That's awesome.
HANNA: It's Early...
- It's Early American non-arrowheads.
BAM: What?
FRANTZ: That's awesome.
PHIL: That's museum-ish.
APRIL:
That would be rocks out of the yard.
Yeah, yeah, that present sucks.
- Oh, man, all right.
APRIL: Nice.
PHIL:
Yeah.
It's got the birdie and all.
[ALL CHEERING]
- Frantz.
- What's it, a mid-life crisis shirt?
It's what I always wanted.
NOVAK:
I knew it was another mid-life crisis shirt.
Kurt Cobain's rolling over in his grave
if he saw you now.
- Who's next?
BAM: We have another one.
NOVAK:
Ooh. Damn.
Dude.
CHAD:
Three.
Yeah, there you go.
FRANTZ: What could this be?
CHAD: Oh, yeah.
APRIL: Wow.
HANNA: Man, you look so cool.
BAM: Go like this with your hair.
CHAD: Yeah.
What about...? What about me?
- This is for you.
- No.
I'm guessing it's a hockey stick.
I mean, a hockey stick... I guess
it's the thought that pisses me off.
APRIL: Whoa!
BAM: Yeah!
Oh, wait, I almost forgot.
APRIL:
What is it?
FRANTZ: A passport?
- You jerk.
- You had it the whole fucking time?
- You ruined my car.
- Payback's a bitch.
- Do you know how hard...
...I looked for that thing?
APRIL: Oh, my God.
I had to go to fucking Philadelphia
at 6 in the morning.
I bought a car. You ruined it
not even an hour after I bought it.
Yeah, but I almost didn't get
to go to Finland, asshole.
- This is for you.
- What a jerk.
FRANTZ:
Oh, man.
What a jerk.
You're even a jerk at Christmas.
Well, now that this is all over,
Novak, it's time to go back to Baltimore.
NOVAK: No, come on,
we went through enough of this shit. Ow!
FRANTZ:
Now...
NOVAK: The joke is over.
BAM: No, it ain't.
- I'm shipping you back to Baltimore.
NOVAK: I want out. Come on. Ow, ow, ow!