1
Music: The Road Forward
Alan Hawkshaw
Music: The Blue Danube Waltz
Johann Strauss II
(inaudible)
Excuse me, I don't mean to intrude,
but aren't you Barbara Broadcast?
- Why yes, I am.
- See! I knew it all the time. I knew
it was her!
You look so much better in the picture
on the cover of your book than you...
- Would you mind autographing our copy?
- Certainly.
Would you make one to Morris Vincent,
and the other to Florence Dorothy Vincent?
- Okay.
- This is Florence Dorothy,
and I am Morris Vincent.
- It was really awful the way you were
deported.
- Yes, and for a victimless crime!
- Mmm. Were all your crimes victimless?
- No. Not all, thank goodness.
Well, it must be terrible not to be
able to return to your homeland!
Well, I was never that crazy
about Puerto Rico.
(laughs) Well, thank you!
(inaudible)
Excuse me! I don't mean to intrude,
but my brother's kind of shy
and, well, he's a big,
big fan of yours.
Would you mind giving him an autograph?
And a little head? Just a little,
he doesn't want to come or anything.
Why so shy?
You don't have anything
to be shy about.
(laughs nervously)
(laughs again)
Can I come in your mouth?
Mm-mm.
When will I be old enough to
come in a girl's mouth?
When you're old enough not to ask.
Why do you continue to hook when
you're such a successful author?
Well, I'll tell you. It beats writing
for a living.
Typing, you know, it breaks your nails.
- Do you type?
- I was a secretary!
- Really!?
- I enjoyed taking shorthand.
- Ooh. I prefer longhand.
Where did you get such nice teeth?
One night, I caught the tooth-fairy
under my pillow
and I gave him the best fuck of his life.
- Would you like another, sir?
- No thanks, just coffee.
Now, what else did I leave
out of the book?
Do you want to go on to the strange
people who worked for you?
Well, there was this slightly strange
one who liked to
hang out in front of bus terminals.
- Oh, do you mind? I'm expecting a
friend.
- Not at all.
- Can you do a number seventeen?
- Certainly.
Music: Tales from the Vienna Woods
Johann Strauss II
- Has your friend arrived yet?
- Um, no. Not yet.
- She does a wonderful cafe au lait.
- Hello!
- Oh, hello! Joyce, this is Roberta.
Roberta, this is Joyce. She used to
work for me.
- I ordered for you.
- Oh, I can't! That's my binge food.
- We were just talking about the one
who likes bus terminals. Do you
remember that one?
- Vaugely!
If you want to meet people,
particularly strangers to a city,
there's no better
place than a bus terminal.
What time do you get off work?
I would love to hear the end,
but I have to go.
It's going to be a very busy afternoon.
There was a really bloody mafia
picture on TV last night. Goodbye!
That chopped-liver cock's gorgeous! It
must have been done by the
sculptor Horowitz.
That couldn't be Horowitz's work.
Horowitz only works in Halvah.
Come on!
- Un, excuse me. I'm a friend of Tony's.
- Oh. Tony.
Yeah, he said I could make it with you
sometime.
On his account, of course.
- Oh, that's nice. Are you circumcized?
- Yes. Why?
I don't want you to think I'm not
interested in you as a person.
Music: Reflections on a Misty Morning
Brian Bennett
- Who are you?
- I'm Harvey, the wall-banger.
I believe the story is just beginning
to get interesting.
The way everyone was conning everyone,
I think she had the most honest
relationship. Beating off.
[Barbara] Sex is a subject that
appeals to all ages.
Everyone likes it.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Do you mind if I blow your waiter?
Not at all!
I don't know what on earth happened to mine.
In a Caucasian restaurant you really
have to keep track of your waiter.
- They all look alike!
- Do you want any help?
- Please!
(inaudible)
Music: Azure Blue
Simon Benson & Peter Cox
Would you like something to drink?
- No alcohol. A Shirley Temple.
- Surely!
Thy rod and thy staff,
they comfort me.
(sound of glass shattering)
- Could you excuse me a few minutes?
I'm expecting a very important call.
- Surely!
Please, have a waiter while you're waiting.
Or better still, give my compliments
to the chef.
Music: Reflections on a Misty Morning
Brian Bennett
(inaudible)
(inaudible)
(door buzzer sounds)
Music: Before Summer Ends
Keith Mansfield
- Everyone's waiting. What should I do?
- I'll be right along.
Go get 'em, tiger.
Music: Blue Danube Waltz
Johann Strauss II
Waiter! More coffee, please.
(laughs)
Music: Dossier
Alan Hawkshaw & Brian Bennett
Music: Big Haul
Brian Bennett
Music: The Double Take
Steve Gray
Music: Vienna Blood Waltz
Johann Strauss II
- Excuse me. Did the lady that I was
with leave any messages for me?
- Miss Broacast, yes. Your friend left this.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Music: Getaway
Alan Hawkshaw
Are you going to offer me
a sip of your joint?
What I usually offer people
is more expensive.
- Oh?
- It's never overpriced.
It's getting way past my head-time.
Music: Wallop
Brian Bennett
Music: You've Got What It Takes
Madeline Bell
Music: Glittering Mud
Steve Gray
Music: Flying High
Stefano Torossi
Music: The Big One
Alan Tew
Music: White Elephant Walk
Alan Tew
Hey! Hiya, Barbara! Is it still
a business doing pleasure with you?
I don't believe it! Hi!
I was just thinking about him.
- I felt it!
- What's your name again?
- Roberta.
- Curly, this is Roberta.
- It's very nice to meet you.
- Mmm. Very nice to meet you.
Did you get off well?
- I loved it!
- Good.
- She's real nice.
- Yeah. Real nice.
- Much nicer than that other bitch.
- What other bitch?
- We had a little PAP.
- PAP? What's that?
Protestant American Princess.
So we had this little PAP working for us,
and to set her straight we let Curly
at her to act out one of his fantasies.
Music: Dossier
Brian Bennett
Music: The Big One
Alan Tew
Music: Big Haul
Brian Bennett
- Where are we going to do this tomorrow?
- How about in the restaurant again, upstairs?
Yeah.
- Table please.
- Ah yes, we'll have your reservation
in about 5 minutes.
- Thank you very much. It's a real
pleasure.
- I'm famished."